7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.

Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return.

We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship.

If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.

1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free.

If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.

2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship.

In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship.

3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues.

Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce.

4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense.

In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen.

5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire.

You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give  you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one.

6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape.

Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah.  Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.

7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship.

Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time.

And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.

Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person?

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-healthy-post-divorce-relationship-jmac/

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

Really like the metaphor for forks in the road as decision points in life post-divorce.

Reducing Divorce Anxiety through Journaling

Find Relief from Divorce Anxiety with Journaling

Nothing rouses the anxiety monster like divorce. You’ll do anything to run away from it. Drugs? Exercise? Meditation? Here’s my secret weapon to combat divorce anxiety: journaling.

Journaling? No kidding. It’s a surefire way to kill the demons of doubt. It’s what kept me sane last week during a cross country move where I had left old friends, old loves, old familiar places, picked up sticks in California and started all over again in the Midwest. I was terrified. Was I too old to make this move? Can I make new friends? What if my business doesn’t translate to the new environment? Journaling for the last three years helped remember see why I was leaving. It showed me that I was a lot stronger than I even realized. It reassured me that the hardest part was starting – and that the rest would fall into place. It swept away much of my anxiety. I relaxed a little more.

Here’s why journaling is so critical to dashing the anxiety demons during divorce recovery.
Your brain is struggling to keep up with your new emerging identity. As it searches for answers, you experience emotional ups and downs that feel foreign and frightening. One thing is for sure: The rollercoaster of emotions in divorce happens so fast that you’re left with little time to remember if you’ve felt this way in the past. Each day seems to be a new experience. New thoughts, new memories, new coping skills, new situations. You find yourself crying out, “I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never felt like this before."
Anxiety is high. You try yoga, meditation, more exercise, and endless “processing” conversations with friends. None of them seem to help. Off to the doc you go. Valium, Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin to the rescue! You’d rather not take these drugs, but they seem to be the only antidote that works for your spiking anxiety.

Prescription Drugs Don't Have to Be the Answer to Your Divorce Anxiety

Before you wash down those pills, consider a better alternative: daily journal entries. As I’ve worked with clients going through divorce over the years, I’ve seen that as little as 10 minutes every day (preferably first thing in the morning), keeps life balance and decreases anxiety - without the litany of anti-anxiety drugs.

Don’t be intimidated by the term “journaling.”It simply means dumping your thoughts out of your brain and unto the written page. (By the way, writing by hand seems to be slightly more effective than typing on a computer, but use whichever method works best for you.)
You don’t have to write much. With only one or two short paragraphs a day, you’ll be recording your fears as well as solutions for handling crises. You’ll be documenting patterns and coping mechanisms that worked for you (or didn’t work) over time. Then, days, months, weeks, or years later you can return to your notes and see that you’re stronger than you realized – and that you’ve faced similar situations and worked through them in the past. Your anxiety will start to drop. It’s soothing and comforting to be your own cheerleader and witness your own successful actions. You’ll find yourself saying, “I did this before. I can do it again!”

Why Does Journaling Help With Divorce Anxiety?

Here why journaling during the divorce process is vital to your recovery. With such a great return for such little effort, there’s no excuse for waiting. Start today.

1. Your brain believes everything you tell it. Writing reinforces it. Repetition makes it stronger. When you write out these positive actions you’ve taken: resolutions you’ve made, decisions for letting go, mental reconstruction of your spousal history – to understand how you got to this place, you get a double bang for your buck in your brain. The initial thinking and writing digs a big commitment pattern in your brain. Re-discovering and re-reading it in a former similar entry cements it. A note of caution: your brain doesn’t discern positive from negative thoughts or actions. Yes, dump the negative stuff on the paper as well, but give more shelf space to bigger, self-confidence building thoughts and processes.
2. Your brain craves routine and rewards you for the effort by relaxing. Central command above your shoulders (your brain) is scanning the horizon for recognizable repeated daily actions in your life. (Again, red flag: it doesn’t take preference over good or bad habits, which is why destructive habits are so tough to crack.) During divorce, routine can easily turn to chaos. You can reverse that by journaling first thing in the morning or at the same time every day. After several days, your brain will be thrilled to have one event it can count on, and you’ll be looking forward to it. You’ll relax during journal time. It’s one small, predictable event that you can count on. Less anxiety and more sanity.
3. You’ll see patterns and ideas that you want to revisit and repeat, as well as those that you can finally let go. Journaling lets you see the paths you want to travel again, and those with “Danger! Do not retrace these steps!” You can make the conscious choice to work with the actions that helped you, and avoid the trap of disastrous choices you made previously.
4. Journal writing is like having your own internal therapist. Like working with a good therapist, you leave the session with less anxiety, but you don’t have to pay for it.Your self-confidence begins to rise as you move forward with life choices based on what’s best for you, from your own experience. You understand the ebb and flow of patterns from reading your own observations of your life.
5. One tip when you have nothing to say: We all have days when words escape us. Experts tell us to simply write the word writing over and over again. Thoughts may come, or not, It doesn’t matter. There'll be other prolific days to make up for it. The point is that you’re reassuring your brain that this new habit will continue, no matter what.

Let’s face it. Divorce is hard, no matter how amicable or destructive yours might be. During the divorce process, it’s normal to vacillate through emotions – one day you’re high on your newfound freedom, the next day you’re low on your loneliness, and the next day you’re re-examining your life with your ex - trying to make sense of your break-up. You feel disconnected. Journaling can help reduce the divorce anxiety without drugs – or at the very least, help you take less drugs.

Learning to be your own best friend during divorce and strengthening your self-determination is critical to faster healing. Invest a few minutes a day journaling, and soon you’ll be able to read your old entries and say, “Oh, right! I remember how I did that." You’ll catapult yourself to a new place of strength.

Stop by any drug store or office supply and grab a lined notebook. Start journaling tomorrow morning. Over the next week, watch your anxiety decrease along with the valium doses. Stand ready for clearer thinking and new found self-determination.

Journaling is your new weapon for conquering divorce-induced anxiety!

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/reducing-divorce-anxiety-through-journaling

The First Step To Empowering Yourself After Divorce From A Narcissist

Divorce from a narcissist will keep you miserable, sleepless, panic-stricken, and crazy until you develop this crucial mindset:

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is a mindfulness principle. It means you accept reality, as painful as reality is at this moment. Your reality is that the narcissist in your life is fundamentally incapable of giving you what you need. Expecting otherwise will just cause you more suffering: not only is the narcissist psychically beating you up, but you are also beating your head against the wall.

If you’re divorcing or divorced from a narcissist, you may be unpleasantly surprised that your life feels more unmanageable than it did when you were married. Your ex has turned into a terrorist: he (or she) alleges that you’re an unfit parent; threatens litigation to get you to back down; tries to turn your kids against you; tries to get full custody (he may not even want it, but getting it would be the ultimate revenge); and creates all kinds of drama in an attempt to prevent you from getting what you thought divorce would bring you: the ability to move on with your life.

Does Radical Acceptance Mean I Give Up?

Yes and no. Yes, it means you give up the struggle to make reality different. No, it means you take back your power, which is the opposite of giving up. You may feel that your narcissist ex has you trapped, but you have much more freedom than you think. When you adopt a Radical Acceptance mindset, you will learn to:

1. Stop defending yourself.

2. Stop trying to get your ex to see your point-of-view.

3. Stop expecting your ex to compromise or mediate (mediation generally fails because narcissists lack empathy, reciprocity, and flexibility, all traits required for a successful mediation).

4. Stop expecting your ex to respect your boundaries, the court order, and your children’s right to have a healthy relationship with you.

5. Stop expecting your ex to act in the best interest of your children.

6. Stop expecting your ex to take even a smidgen of accountability for anything other than what goes right with the children.

7. Stop expecting your ex to “get over it.”

Once you stop expecting your narcissist ex to suddenly morph into a reasonable person, you will probably feel relieved. You will no longer waste energy trying to will reality to be different. You can then shift your intention to the positive things you can do.


1. Continue to set boundaries (even if your ex ignores them). Your ex doesn’t get to run your house. You don’t even need to let him in your house (this may require revising your court order, but it’s worth it). Explain to your ex that your kids will not be taking his calls during dinner time (hide the phones if you need to). Wait a day before responding to incendiary texts and emails. Parent your children the way you think is best, despite what your ex tells you to do.

2. Develop a policy for electronic communication. Counter cyber-bullying by limiting your ex’s access to you. Unless it’s an emergency, there is no need to respond to every histrionic email and text. Once a day should be sufficient. When you do reply, don’t hit “send” right away. Wait for your blood pressure to return to normal and then draft a brief response that focuses on facts and logistics. When you feel the urge to defend yourself or lash out in retaliation, disengage. Why are you getting riled up by someone who is, at least in relation to you, crazy?

3. Take regular divorce vacations. Implement a no-divorce zone in your life. Don’t do anything divorce-related — including texting or emailing your ex — after a certain time, say, 9 p.m. This will help you get a good night’s sleep. Don’t talk about your divorce 24/7 with your friends, especially if you want to keep them. When you catch yourself arguing with your ex in your head, first acknowledge that you’re ruminating, and then shift your focus to something that has nothing to do with him (or her).

4. Nurture your healthy relationships. It’s common to feel depressed and anxious when divorcing a narcissist. But don’t let these feelings consume you and cause you to isolate. The best antidote to depression is to stay connected to people who care about you. Good friends make you feel good about yourself, which will help put your ex’s opinion of you in perspective.

5. Practice self-care. Take whatever healthy steps you can to sleep and eat. Go to therapy. Take medication if you need to. Exercise. Eat small meals. If you get paid vacation and sick time at work, use it. Do something creative, which will shift your focus from Divorce Gloom to things that are life-affirming.

6. Have a sense of humor. It’s hard to get through life without a sense of humor. Read or watch something that makes you laugh. Hang out with friends who crack you up. Having a sense of humor won’t change your ex, but it will help you disengage from his antics.

7. Focus on what’s going well. No matter how bad things seem, there are people out there who have it worse. Keep a gratitude journal and write down one thing everyday that you’re grateful for. Writing down little things — a hot shower, ten fingers and ten toes, a comfortable bed — can be surprisingly powerful because you will begin to realize how much you have going for you, and how much you’ve been taking for granted.

Few of us, if any, dwell in Radical Acceptance 100% of the time. Cultivating that mindset is a daily practice. But over time, this mindset will give you what your ex never can: serenity, personal power, and the ability to enjoy life as it is today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-first-step-to-empowering-yourself-after-divorce_us_5908bc1de4b05279d4edc01c

Positive Outcomes of Divorce

Imagine that you’re preparing your husband’s favorite meal. He walks through the door at dinnertime and you greet him. Suddenly, and without any provocation at all, his mood changes. It’s as if a dark cloud has come over the room. Your mind starts racing back, you wonder what did you say, what did you do? This scenario plays out over and over again in some marriages and can diminish self-esteem, wear down emotional resource, and kill your soul.

Or maybe you’ve hit a wall in your marriage. You’ve been here several times before with your spouse, and you both feel at wits’ end. When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is “out.”

It is at this moment, when you decide to change your life, to advocate yourself and your children, that a visit to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted.

Positive Outcome of Divorce #1: Self-Reflection and Self-Healing

With professional guidance you can discover what affected your choice of a mate and assure yourself that you will never make that mistake again. This self-reflection and self-healing is one of the most positive outcomes of divorce. By doing inner work, you can recognize and acknowledge your own patterns that led you to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Then, if you can integrate back into your psyche those early patterns from your family of origin, you can redeem them and never have to repeat them again.

At this time of greatest trauma, your defenses are cracked open, and for the first time in a long time you are your natural self. This is the undefended healthy core of your existence, and it is from this place of your natural resource that you can heal, renew and experience rebirth. By experiencing your authentic self, you will automatically build your self-esteem, depression will lift, and you are able to move into a happier and healthier lifestyle.

When you first fall in love, you may project onto the beloved your ideal: the best of who you are, those rose-colored glasses of your imagination. This is what we call a projection. However, by suppressing who you really are — by going along to get along — you are using up vital energy just to hold down your feelings.

You will still be compelled to move towards those old patterns that worked for you within your original family. However, because you are now conscious and aware, you will see red flags everywhere, and you have the opportunity, therefore, to override those impulses that compel you to move towards the wrong relationship and as a result make room for the right one. In essence, you’re changing a habit, and as you grow and break your old habits, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience a different relationship with a new spouse. It’s important to remember that we are different with different people.

This is restoration, how you bring yourself back to your full potential — the you that you were meant to be. A healthy partner is the one who carries the positive characteristics of our opposite sex parent, and that’s when second marriages can become fulfilling and mutual. Even your physical health can be restored.

Positive Outcome #2: Better Health

Now we know that telomeres, the little rings around your chromosomes that fall off as you age, also fall off when you are stressed. Miraculously, they can be restored through healthy lifestyle changes. Therefore, by releasing yourself from an unhealthy partnership, you not only can become healthier mentally and physically, but also add years to your life through happiness.

Positive Outcome #3: Self-Confidence and Empowerment

The first feeling you experience at the onset of divorce can be fear of the unknown. However, by moving into your fullest capacity, the real you, as I describe above, this will automatically rebuild your self-esteem, your sense of self, your capacity for intimacy, your creative energy and allow you to take back the power you surrendered in a poor relationship. In my work as a researcher, educator and human behavior expert, I’ve witnessed that poor marriages are often based on possessiveness, lack of intimacy, need for space and distance and need for control.

Positive Outcome #4: Giving Your Children the Gift of Modeling Healthy Relationships

Finally, as difficult as the process of divorce can be on your children, it also allows them to watch you make human mistakes — and then grow from them. As you do your inner work and regain your true self, your children are watching, and they can learn the importance of valuing yourself. They also have the opportunity to learn how to properly behave and react should they find themselves in a similar situation down the road. And finally in the future, you can model, for your children, a true and healthy marriage.

The best relationships come out of strength, not weakness. When you are whole and know yourself, you will meet someone with whom you can be mutual. This is a marriage born of strength, not of lack. Once the negative and critical patterns of poor partnerships are released, you can expand into the undefended you. By rediscovering yourself, that inner you that you were before marriage, following your own rhythm of sleeping, being, staying home and going out, you act on your own behalf and by so doing find your own authority is empowered. This returns a sense of control, allowing you to grieve the past and embrace the future.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/positive-outcomes-of-divo_b_4768426.html

Divorce And Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids

Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids — sometimes it’s excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:

1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.

2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.

3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.

4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.

5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit. 

So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/divorce-and-kids-5-ways-d_n_1519485.html

6 Things Every Divorced Parent Should Put On Their "Stop-Doing" List

Dear Kids,

I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.

You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.

Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.

1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.

There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.

I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.

The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.

You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.

Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.

Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.

2. I will stop ignoring myself.

A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.

The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.

I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.

However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.

While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.

I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.

3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.

I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.

And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.

So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.

4. I will stop keeping score.

Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.

As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.

I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.

I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.

I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.

5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.

When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.

Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.

When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”

6. I will stop making negative comparisons.

There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.

I’m sorry for that.

When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.

Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.

From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.

I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.

Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.

Love you always,

Your Parent

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D

Starting a New Relationship Post-Divorce

Though divorce is a difficult process, it can also be immensely freeing. For some, the logical next step will be to start dating again. For others, the very idea may seem terrifying or impossible. It is a complicated issue especially if you have kids, but it is still possible and can be fun. To help in making this possible, it is important to let emotions settle in your household and find ways to talk to your kids about it.

Seeking a new relationship

It is very important to understand that the process of seeking a new relationship after divorce is different for everyone. Some might be ready to date right away while for others it might take years before they feel ready to even contemplate the thought of it. Just because it happened one way for a friend doesn’t mean it will for you. Pay attention to your own emotions, and ask yourself why you want to start dating again. If you are trying to fill the hole left by your spouse, dating right now won’t be a healthy option. You need to be healthy by yourself before you can be healthy with another person in your life.

Here what you need to do before starting a new relationship after divorce:

1) Be ready emotionally

To make sure that seeking a new relationship after divorce is a good experience, make sure that you are emotionally ready to handle this responsibility.

You don’t want to be grieving over the loss of your old relationship while you are trying to foster a new one. Don’t be afraid to be picky as you look for someone new to date. You owe it to yourself and your children to make sure that it is someone who will treat you well and give you what you really need. If you are feeling a bit unsure about actually getting back into the dating game, try just making new friends first. Making friends can be fun, and if you find someone you like more than a friend, you will already have a friendship to help make your relationship stronger.

2) Pay attention to your kids

If you have children, you need to pay a lot of attention to their feelings and needs as you begin seeing a new partner.

Your kids have their very own grieving process to go through after their parents split up, and you need to respect that. Just because your kids don’t like the idea of you dating doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it ever again, but you should give them adequate time to get used to the new way that things work. Children often see a new partner as attempting to replace their other parent, and some of them may still hope that you will get back together with their other parent. Make sure that you children understand that things are final, and give them time to process it. As you move forward, listen to their feelings, and express your own.

As far as what you should tell your children about your dating life depends on how old they are. A younger child doesn’t need to know that you are dating until you are more serious about it while a teenager should be given more details because they are sure to notice that something is going on. No matter your children’s age, it is best not to bring your new partner around until you are very sure of them. A divorce is disorienting to children, and they need stability. If you are to break up with your new partner whom your children have grown fond of, this can be almost as painful as when you split with their other parent.

Your children probably won’t respond enthusiastically the first time that they meet your new partner. They may express anger and frustration in different forms like acting out in front of your new partner or even giving you the silent treatment. Give them time to adjust, and don’t try to force them into situations they are uncomfortable with that involve your new partner. You can require them to be respectful to your new partner, but you can’t require them to like your new partner.

3) Be honest and direct with communication

Honesty and openness are the fuel for trust; be direct while communicating with your partner. Be open about your expectations, what you wish from this relationship or share any other concerns that you may have. It is important to establish this right at the beginning of the relationship as it paves the way for a solid relationship. Remember, openness and honesty is the lifeblood of any relationship.

While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.

On another note, here are 3 things to completely avoid during the dating process:

1) Thinking all men/women are like your ex

Trusting a new person takes time, especially after you’ve been hurt by your ex. Yet, if you hold on to that distrust, you will destroy your chance of finding someone new. Learn to look at the new man/woman as an individual. Notice how different, kind, attentive they are towards you. Appreciate them for their unique qualities. If you still face trust issues, you could consider professional counseling or other methods such as the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which involves tapping on acupressure points. Be conscious of your issues and don’t be afraid to seek help.

2) Holding on to baggage

This one’s hard but not impossible. After all, we are what our experiences make us. But holding onto baggage never helped anyone. If only, it hinders our own progress and often makes us bitter about various things. Learn ways that will help you release the baggage; have an internal dialogue with yourself about what’s holding you back. Also, realize your own past errors in your marriage, take accountability and learn from them.

3) Saying no to plans

After thinking about everything, you’ve finally reached a place where you want to date. You may be doing so hesitatingly or may have your own apprehensions, which is normal, but be open to new possibilities. If nothing, you may just find a new friend. Remember every date does have to culminate into a relationship. You want to tread carefully, consider deeply before making any commitment. However, do stay open to new ideas.

While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.

Source: http://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/starting-a-new-relationship-post-divorce/

Anger Management: Why Let Go of Anger Towards Your Ex

Nine times out of 10 my clients come to me because they are angry and hurt at their ex because they feel betrayed by him or because in their mind he has done something wrong.
Whatever the situation is, it’s really important to let go of the bitterness, as the only person it really hurts is you. Below is a list of reasons why it is indeed bad to be bitter and why it’s important to let go.

1) Stops you from loving you

When we feel that someone has betrayed us there is a belief that states that “I would never have done that” or “I am not like that.” In truth we are everything and your ex is just a mirror of you. What you judge in him will usually be an indication that you judge that very thing within yourself and believe you are not.

Being this way will only keep your love of yourself at arms length and will stop you from making peace with yourself. This of course will give him the power and destroy your confidence. Why would you want to do that to yourself?
Instead, when you go into the habit of blaming him - change the statements that start with ‘he is so’ or ‘you are’ to ‘we are’ and see if you can find at least five examples where you are that way and find the benefits for each one.

2) Will lead to a toxic body

Holding onto any negative emotions takes more energy than letting them go. People who hold onto anger will usually find that they have less energy than those who don’t because negative emotions tend to have a more dense frequency.
Imagine for a moment that each factor that is causing you the bitterness is a big rock. Do you think you might feel weighed down if you keep on piling on the rocks? Of course you will.

Carrying these emotions on an ongoing basis will weaken and build up toxins in your body as it releases adrenalin - which suppresses the immune system, impairs digestion, uses up vital vitamins and minerals, causes pain and stiffness, makes your body acidic which results in inflammation all of which will help towards keeping you feeling worse.
Instead, find a way to purge your emotions by hitting a pillow, going outside and screaming your lungs out.

3) Will prolong your suffering

If you are still living in the past and focusing on what your ex has done to you, you wont be living in the present, which will guarantee depression and sadness. Living in the present is where you will experience happiness, as it is here that the suffering stops.

Suffering is only caused by your mind attaching itself to the story that you have created for yourself. If you keep holding onto the bitterness, the story will ensue and so will your obsessing. An event is just an event until you give meaning and energy to it.
Instead, change your story and the meaning you have given to the event. Give it a positive meaning so that you can shorten your suffering.

4) Will be more difficult to attract a new relationship into your life

If you are still holding onto the bitterness of the past you will either carry this bitterness will make it more difficult to attract a new relationship because the bitterness and attachment to your ex tends to the block the energy of receiving someone new into your life.

Holding onto the past, is like buying new clothes and not being able to fit them in your closet because all your old clothes take up all the room. The only way of to fit the new clothes in the wardrobe is to clear out the old. The same is true for letting in a new relationship.
Instead let go and make way for the new.

5) Increase the chances of ruining the next relationship

Without healing the wounds or dealing with the anger of the past, you will be more likely to take the anger and bitterness into the next relationship, if you do manage to attract a new one to you.

Again, being present in the relationship you find yourself in, will be challenging as you will want to vent to your partner, and living like this can be very tiring for them. Speaking from experience, I believe that the stress of an ex who was still bitter towards his ex, was one of the major reasons why our relationship died.

It will also make it more challenging to receive the love from your new partner, because you are still protecting yourself from the past. This once again, can be very tiring not only for your new partner but also for you.

In short it’s important to let go of the bitterness if you wish to find peace instead.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/marina-pearson/anger-management-why-let-go-of-anger-towards-your-ex_b_3312995.html

The 5 Benefits of Being Optimistic

When running a business, as we all know, there will be difficult days, hard times and stressful periods. Although it’s not easy to spot the silver linings, having a positive attitude can help us push through rough patches.

Here are a few benefits optimism and positivity can bring, even in the face of adversity:

1. See failure as a new start.

Failure is not the end, in fact it is often the beginning of something great. When things are good, we coast along without making any quantum leaps. When things go bad, our world gets shaken up, which requires us to grow, see new things and start afresh.
Optimism allows us to learn from failures, pick up the pieces and move on to something greater. The greatest business ideas, and times in life, can be born from failure.

2. Be expansive.

Pessimism makes us contract and shy away from new or adventurous things. It causes us to fixate on the negative possibilities and be trapped by fear of failure.

Optimism, however, opens us up to new ideas, new experiences and new possibilities. It frees us up to consider new options and change our businesses, and lives, for the better. It helps us look to the future and create expansive, evolving realities.

3. Get healthy.

Dwelling on negativity isn’t healthy. Not only are optimists generally happier and less stressed, but also they tend to have healthier hearts.

In a study of more than 5,100 adults, researchers from the University of Illinois found that those who were the most optimistic were 76 percent more likely to have health scores in an ideal range. In addition, optimists had significantly better blood sugar and cholesterol levels, exercised more, and had healthier body mass indexes, and were less likely to smoke than pessimists.

Focusing on the positive, instead of the negative, improves mental well-being, which can motivate individuals to take better care of their bodies, as well.

4. Spread good vibes.

Optimism is contagious. Having an upbeat attitude can inspire everyone around us. A survey conducted by Gallup found that only 35 percent of U.S. managers are engaged in their jobs. This lack of engagement and its impact on employees costs the U.S. an estimated $77 billion to $96 billion each year.

Attitude is everything. Optimistic leaders can help motivate and engage their employees. A positive team will be driven to accomplish goals and work together to move things forward.

5. It is the best choice.

There is no better alternative to optimism. Pessimism doesn’t achieve much, and doesn’t have any benefits over optimism. Being optimistic obviously doesn’t mean seeing rainbows 24-7. Everything won’t always be great. But optimism helps us see new opportunities, learn from different situations, and keep moving.

In life, movement and growth is essential, which optimism helps us achieve.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/246204

7 Steps To Stay Positive After A Divorce

When a relationship ends you don’t just divorce a partner, you divorce a life. The life together and future plans you built around the relationship are ending. You also enter a lengthy, and potentially draining, legal process. It can feel like you’re starting a marathon run without any prior training.

How can you stay resilient through this challenging process?

1. Get physically healthy.

If you do not have an exercise routine, now is the time to start. Try walking, joining a gym, or taking community classes. Anything that gets you moving helps you feel better about yourself, and improves your health when you need it the most.

2. Stay organized.

Divorce is a confusing and overwhelming process. Keeping all your records and personal documents well-organized goes a long way in giving you some sense of control. A notebook by your bedside can be a great resource when those burning questions about the legal process or financial matters pop into your head in the middle of the night. Jotting down questions to research in the morning can help you get back to sleep. A file box to keep legal documents can help you maintain organization and a sense of keeping “it” separate from your daily routine.

3. Have a plan to manage your emotions.

Divorce is painful, scary, and sometimes a lonely process. Resist the urge to do something when emotions overwhelm you. Get off Facebook or other social media. Don’t let sleepless, 3am emotions turn into communications that you will regret. Try shutting off your phone, and putting your computer away at night. Again, have a notebook by your bed to write out a long rant if needed. If you cannot keep yourself from writing an email, draft it, do not send it, until you have reviewed it in the morning.

4. Stabilize your life as much as you can.

Don’t move if you can avoid it. If necessary, consider taking a temporary apartment in your neighborhood (especially if you have children). Don’t change jobs, make extravagant purchases, or start new romantic relationships. You need your energy to focus and move forward with your life.

5. Grieve.

Anger will eventually be replaced by a need to mourn what has ended. Whether or not you wanted a divorce does not matter. When a life you had planned is over, give yourself time to grieve and let go so your future can open up. Forgive yourself if necessary be kind to yourself always.

6. Explore what is important to you now.

Are there interests you put aside when you got married or started a family? Get curious about what has meaning for you now. Take classes, read about new things, and create a “Wish Board” full of pictures to inspire a new beginning. Focus on your future.

7. Get support along the way.

An attorney can handle the legal issues. Other professionals, like a counselor or knowledgeable finance expert can help your understand the issues, many times more affordable than an attorney. Friends and family may or may not understand what you are going through, but unbiased support is critical. Find a Divorce Coach who can help you stay organized, future focused, and resilient through the process.

Following these seven steps will empower you, educate you and remove much of the fear and uncertainty that lies ahead. Remember this: When relationships end and nothing is certain, everything becomes possible.

Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11280/7-steps-to-stay-positive-after-a-divorce.html

Dating after Divorce

Supportive friends, healthy self-esteem, and a little patience are some of the keys to get back into the dating scene.

The rate of divorce in America remains high, leaving many adult men and women alone, available and wondering how to maneuver on the playing field. After years of being in a relationship, putting yourself back in the singles market can be a daunting endeavor. Here, David A. Anderson, Ph.D., offers advice gleaned from his own research and that of other experts to help you get back into dating mode.

After 19 years of waking up next to the same person, Yolanda*, a marketing consultant, suddenly found herself greeting mornings alone. Recently divorced, she was overwhelmed by the mere thought of dating again. Yolanda's self-esteem was so damaged by her tumultuous breakup that she worried about her ability to start a new relationship, not to mention her rusty dating skills. And the pool of single men looked more like a droplet compared with the ocean available to her during her younger years. 

Yolanda may have felt alone on the playing field, but she was far from it. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, approximately nine in 10 people will marry, but about one half of first marriages end in divorce. The number of women living alone has doubled to 14.6 million, and the number has nearly tripled for men, jumping from 3.5 million to 10.3 million.

With so many single adults out there, one might guess that there's also a lot of dating going on. Instead, it seems that the older we get, the less we date. In one study conducted at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research, social psychologist Jerald G. Bachman, Ph.D., found that nearly 50 percent of 18-year-olds go out at least once a week, compared with only approximately 25 percent of 32-year-olds.

While it's true that some people simply choose not to date, others want to but don't know how to go about it or can't overcome their negative self-thoughts. So how can those who are struggling with these obstacles successfully and healthfully re-enter the dating arena? First, it's important to set appropriate personal standards. In particular, will you play hard to get or be an easy catch? I call the manifestation of these standards one's "social price." The more you have to offer in a relationship, the more you can expect in return, thus increasing your appropriate social price. Factors that help determine your social price include your ability to bring desirable traits such as inner strength, kindness, intelligence, and affection to a relationship.

Working with Shigeyuyki Hamori, an economist at Kobe University in Japan, I researched methods for estimating the qualities and contributions of marriage prospects. We hypothesized that singles seeking relationships assess unseen qualities in others based on social price as it is reflected in actions, body language, and verbal communication. We concluded that those exhibiting self-confident assertions of dating standards are perceived as holding relatively more promise as marriage partners. Conversely, those who appear insecure and desperate, call a love interest excessively or engage in sexual activity too soon, send signals that they hold inferior unseen traits.

So just as we tend to assume that expensive cars are better than similar, cheaper ones, we may also conclude that those demonstrating high social prices have unobserved qualities superior to those with lower social prices. But be wary: Overselling also occurs. For instance, individuals with a substantial income but little else to offer may exaggerate their social price. And as with any type of price misrepresentation, true quality eventually surfaces. In the dating market, this can translate into a broken relationship.

At the core, inaccurate social pricing is a by-product of low self-esteem and other negative self-emotions. "Fear absolutely devastates some people," says clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a former radio-talk-show host and author of The Art of Living Single. "It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or of traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left."
Others rebound or get involved in another relationship too soon. Their desperation usually stems from sadness, guilt, anger or anxiety about being alone. "You get this feeling that you're in the worst possible situation in your life," Broder explains. "Then you may do what you later consider desperate: a one-night stand, calling the ex or ignoring intuitive warnings and jumping into a bad relationship you would never choose if you weren't feeling reckless."
Fortunately, it is possible to avoid these and other pitfalls when seeking out a new partner. If you're ready to get back in the saddle again, here are five key tips to help you on your way.

1) Develop A (New) Support Group
It's natural to turn to old friends for support. They know and care about you, and they typically have your best interests in mind. But more often it's new friends who will better help you adjust to your new life. That's because friends shared with your ex often unwittingly take sides, and either alliance can prove a hindrance when introducing someone new into your life. Old friends may lack the proper interest or compassion, and they may even be jealous of your newfound freedom.

"My divorce split our extended families and friends," says Yolanda of her and her ex-husband. "But my new friends had a fresh perspective that helped my self-esteem. Those who were single had confidence that was contagious; that really helped me when I started going out again as a single person. And sometimes they offered good advice."

Do use discretion when listening to others' words of wisdom, advises Broder. "Solutions that worked for a friend may be a disaster for you. If you don't want advice, be assertive and let people know that advice giving is off-limits unless it's requested."

For the most part, however, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery process. "Facing things alone can take a toll on you," says Broder. "Friends can help you see that dating doesn't have to be so serious."

2) Assess Your Self-Worth
People with low self-esteem tend to create relationships with others who evaluate them negatively, suggests one study on self-concept done by William B. Swann Jr., Ph.D., a University of Texas psychology professor. If you're suffering from a negative self-image, it's vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept.

Begin by making a list of your positive qualities, then hang it in your home where you'll see it regularly, suggest Bruce Fisher, Ed.D., Robert Alberti, Ph.D., and Virginia M. Satir, M.A., in their book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you to work on clearing up any discrepancies between your self-image and the real you. Broder also recommends making a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you'd like to incorporate into your thinking system. Read aloud these new self-concepts often, regardless of how you're feeling, to help solidify them in your mind.

For Yolanda, a brief relationship five years after her divorce made her realize she had to adjust her mind-set. "I felt ashamed about all of the times I'd say yes when my answer was really no," she says now. "The consequences were painful, but I didn't believe I could completely change the pattern. Then I took the advice you hear about in 12-step programs and turned it over to God—my higher power. Moving forward and forgiving myself became easier."

People who feel victimized after a breakup may do well to develop a bold—or even defiant—attitude. Psychologists at the University of Washington and Canada's University of Waterloo recently found that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood. "When you feel defiant you become excited, confident, and ready to take action," says Broder. "You take care of yourself, making it pretty clear that you are not going to be ruined by divorce. It's a very healthy thing to do."

3) Plan Activities
You won't find a new mate—or even a new friend—while sitting on the couch, your television on, curtains drawn. Consider your post-relationship time as an opportunity to do the things you couldn't do while you were with your ex. Create a list of 20 activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, then give the list a second look. "Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they cannot do if they're not in a relationship," says Broder. "Be active; don't feel like your whole life is on hold."

Today's singles are finding luck—and love—in nonconventional ways. After her 17-year relationship ended, Lili*, a writer, re-entered the dating arena by joining a telephone dating service. Instead of meeting men for dinner, she invited them for daytime walks in a well-populated park. "They weren't dates; they were interviews," says Lili, who admits that taking the first step was difficult. "If I liked them, we went for coffee." Laura*, a financial adviser, also missed companionship after her 24-year marriage dissolved. "I don't sit with problems for very long," she says. "I knew what I wanted and went after it." Laura joined an online dating service and eventually met her soon-to-be second husband.

Joseph Walther, Ph.D., an associate professor of communication, language, and literature at Troy, New York's Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, found that people who use Internet dating services such as Match.com may achieve more beginning-stage emotional intimacy than they do in face-to-face situations. Single surfers don't have to worry about common first-impression concerns such as bad-hair days and wrinkled clothes, Walther points out. Plus, they don't see body-language cues such as shrugging and smirking that can create barriers in communication. Currently, cyber researchers believe that as much as 33 percent of friendships formed online eventually advance to face-to-face meetings.

4) Curb Unhealthy Cravings
When we are in emotional pain, our feelings often don't coincide with our intellect and instead manifest themselves as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually plague people who have zero tolerance for a single lifestyle and want to jump into a new relationship as soon as their breakup is final. Also susceptible are individuals with low self-evaluation who are convinced they can't make it alone. Fortunately, while such cravings may feel overwhelming and unavoidable, Broder asserts that they don't have to be.

Take Julie*, a middle-aged student in Southern California whose need for immediate passion led her to make decisions despite intuitively knowing they were unwise. "I kept going out with men who did not have the potential for a long-term relationship," she confesses. "One had problems with his ex-wife, another wouldn't marry outside of his religion. After getting hurt many times, I finally decided to be more careful when choosing men. I'm still prone to my old behavior, but I'm more apt to say no to men who are a poor match for me."

To short-circuit cravings, Broder suggests doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unwanted tendencies and ask that he or she invite you out when you fall into bad habits. And consider keeping a journal of the things that successfully distract you from your urges, such as renting a funny movie or going for a long walk, that you can turn to the next time cravings crop up.

5) Prepare for Pitfalls
Certain times of the year—holidays, anniversaries and birthdays, for instance—are harder to navigate than others because they are loaded with expectations and memories. After a separation or divorce, social configurations change, making feelings of loss and loneliness more intense. Perfectionists tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to Broder. High expectations lead them to dwell on favorite memories of their past and compare them with current situations.

Garrett*, an optometrist in his 40s, remembers that his first Christmas alone was a tough one. "Weeks prior to the holidays were extremely difficult because the traditions were highly disrupted," he says. "Not being in my own home and not having a closeness with someone was difficult, and I felt very much afraid of not finding someone again."

To cope, Garrett stuck close to his family. "You stitch together the connections that you have," he says. "It was piecemeal and patchwork, but it was critical for me. I also looked for other ways to divert my attention. I organized a staff party, participated in a musical and cooked at other people's homes."

Garrett got it right, according to Sally Karioth, Ph.D., R.N., an associate nursing professor at Florida State University and an expert on stress, grief, and trauma. Karioth points again to planning as the key to reducing stress and meeting new people. Don't be afraid to ask for help organizing new activities, and break tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed. Broder also suggests avoiding holiday comparisons and focusing instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones. "You'll get through, and then you won't fear it anymore," says Broder. "It may not be the best of your life, but it may not be the horror you thought it would be."

Ultimately, the best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. For some, getting into the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential. For others, simply trying something new or even uncomfortable works. You know yourself best, so trust your inner wisdom. If you are ready to find new love, take heart: More than 40 percent of weddings in America are remarriages. But don't feel obligated to rush into another marriage, either—the U.S. Census Bureau reports that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Now that you're single it's perfectly acceptable to remain so if that's what you prefer. As Broder says, "What you do with your life now is up to you."

*Names have been changed.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200301/dating-after-divorce