7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.

Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return.

We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship.

If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.

1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free.

If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.

2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship.

In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship.

3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues.

Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce.

4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense.

In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen.

5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire.

You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give  you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one.

6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape.

Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah.  Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.

7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship.

Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time.

And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.

Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person?

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-healthy-post-divorce-relationship-jmac/

How to Move Forward if You’re Getting Divorced But Are Still in Love

Your husband has asked for a divorce and you are blindsided. There have been moments of unhappiness in your marriage, sure, but nothing that you thought would ever make him leave you. You married for life, and never imagined that you would be signing paperwork to put an end to your time as a married couple.

And…you still love him.

He may have betrayed you with another. He may have fallen out of love with you and feels that there is no possibility of rekindling those loving feelings. He may be having a midlife crisis. In any case, his decision is final and there is no going back. You are left to heal your heart, a heart that still is connected to this man, despite him no longer loving you.
What are some ways that you can heal?

Acknowledge that this is happening

It would be a mistake to pretend that “everything is fine” or try to put on a happy face so that those around you think that you are handling this life change like the competent, strong woman you have always been. There is no need to be a hero during this tumultuous time. If you don’t show your friends and family that you are suffering, they can’t offer to help you shoulder the pain. Let it out. Be honest. Tell them you are shattered, you love your partner, and you need them to be there for you as you navigate this significant life event.
Find a support group

There are plenty of community groups where people going through a divorce can connect, talk, cry, and share their stories. It is helpful to hear that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Make sure the support group is guided by an experienced counselor so that the meetings do not devolve into a series of complaints without any sort of solution-oriented advice provided.

Banish negative self-talk

Telling yourself “I’m an idiot for still loving him after what he did to me!” is not helpful, nor true. You are not an idiot. You are a loving, generous woman whose core is made up of love and understanding. There is nothing shameful about feeling love for someone who has been your life partner for many years, even if that person made the decision to end the relationship.

Give yourself time to heal

It is important to recognize that healing from a divorce, especially a divorce that you did not initiate, will take the time it takes. Keep in mind that you will, eventually, bounce back. Your grief will have its own calendar, with good days, bad days, and days where you feel you aren’t making any progress at all. But trust in the process: those little cracks you see on the horizon? There is light coming in through them. And one day you will wake up and realize that you will have gone hours, days, weeks without dwelling on your ex-husband and what he did.

When you are ready, rid your home of reminders of him

This will help in “casting off” your feelings of love. Remake your home to your own tastes. Have you always wanted a living room done in pastels and wicker furnishings? Do it! Make your home over to reflect you, and sell or give away anything that triggers those wistful thoughts of “how it was when the husband was here.”

Involve yourself in a new and challenging hobby

This is a proven way to feel better about yourself, and help you build new friendships with people who did not know you as part of a couple. Check local resources to see what is on offer. Have you always wanted to learn French? There are sure to be adult education classes at your local community college. What about a sculpture or painting workshop? You will not only keep busy but come home with something lovely that you have created! Joining a gym or a running club is a good way to work off any negative thoughts occupying your head; exercise provides the same mood-lifting benefits as taking anti-depressants.

Online dating can be a positive experience

Just flirting online with a wide range of potential dates can make you feel desired and wanted again, which, if you’ve been indulging in negative self-talk (“Of course he left me. I’m unattractive and boring”) can be a great lift to your self-confidence. If, after communicating online, you feel like meeting up with one or more of these men, make sure you do so in a public place (such as a busy coffee shop) and that you’ve left the details of the meeting with a friend.

The pain you are feeling can be used to create a better version of yourself

Take the sadness and use it to motivate you to get in shape, swap out some wardrobe items that should have been thrown away years ago, review and update your professional resume, change jobs…put this energy into living your best life.

Find the perfect balance of alone-time and friend-time

You don’t want to self-isolate too much, but you do want to carve out some time to be alone. If you were married for a long time, you may have forgotten what it was like to be on your own. You may find it uncomfortable at first. But reframe these moments: you are not lonely, you are practicing self-care. In order to love again, it is essential for you to learn to be fine with being alone. This will allow you to open up to another man (and it will happen!) from a place of stability, and not desperation.

It is normal to feel a sense of loss and sadness when the man you were in love with decides that he is no longer in love with you. But remember that you have now joined a large community of fellow-travelers who have survived, and ultimately thrived, in their post-divorce lives. Give it time, be gentle with yourself, and hold tight to the knowledge that you will fall in love again.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-move-forward-if-youre-getting-divorced-but-are-still-in-love/

7 Tips for Replacing Bad Habits with Positive Habits

How to create a happy life by implementing "The Slight Edge" philosophy

Whether it’s smoking cigarettes, being late, drinking soft drinks, blaming others or biting our nails, we all have personal and professional bad habits that we would like to break. As much as we despise our bad habits, it can be challenging to make these habits things of the past. So, what is the solution? I have found the best way to erase a bad habit is to replace it with a positive habit.

First, think of our habits as a cycle. A habit is something you do without thinking. And, there are two kinds of habits: Those that serve you and those that do not serve you. Brushing your teeth is a habit that serves you; biting your nails is one that doesn’t. Thinking things through for yourself serves you; blindly accepting everything you read online or hear through the gossip grapevine doesn’t serve you. Be aware of your philosophy, which creates your attitude, which creates your actions, which creates your results, which create your life. A positive philosophy turns into a positive attitude, which turns into positive actions, which turns into positive results, which turns into a positive lifestyle. The small decisions are easy, and when you add them up, they can have an enormous effect on your life. This cycle is hard to maintain, but I go into more depth in my book, The Slight Edge. 

The cycle to create positive habits can be accomplished through these seven powerful actions:

1. Show up. 

If you’ll just commit to showing up, that’s half the battle right there. By simply showing up you can rise above half of the population in any circumstance.

2. Show up consistently. 

Keep showing up when others fade out. According to Woody Allen, 80 percent of success is showing up. That’s a philosophy I subscribe to wholeheartedly -- but I would add two words: 80 percent of success is showing up every day. As essential as it is to show up, it is consistency that greatly multiplies its power. Showing up consistently is where the magic happens.

3. Cultivate a positive outlook. 

See the glass as overflowing. There are days when I wake up and I’m in a funk. I might not even know why, but life feels heavy and depressing, and I just don’t want to get out of the funk. When this happens, the first thing I do is take inventory of my blessings. According to positive psychologists, a habit of gratitude is one of the most common traits in consistently happier people. 

4. Be committed for the long haul. 

You’ve probably seen those weight loss and workout programs that promise to change your life and create “a better you” in 90 days. I’m not saying that you don’t get results, but here is the problem with a 90-day program: It doesn’t give you enough time to build up a new belief level in yourself that you can continue once the 90 days are over. Instead, think of farmers. They know they have to wait a full season to reap their harvests. In our post-industrial world, where so much of everyday life is accessible through the click of a mouse, it’s easier than ever to forget that.

5. Cultivate a burning desire backed by faith, not hoping or wishing, but knowing. 

A burning desire backed by faith simply means deeply, passionately wanting to get somewhere and knowing -- not hoping, not wishing, but knowing -- you’re going to get there. In other words, there has to be congruence between your desire and your faith.

6. Be willing to pay the price. 

Whatever the dream or goal, there is a price you’ll need to pay. Sometimes that means giving something up. It may be something as simple as giving up a type of junk food you’re attached to, for the sake of your health, or something as subtle as giving up your right to be right, or your habit of exerting control over conversations for the sake of a relationship.

7. Do the things you’ve committed to doing, even when no one else is watching.

I have found the best way to erase a bad habit is to replace it with a positive mental or physical habit. So, the next time you find yourself wanting to partake in that same bad habit remember you can change your negative habit into a positive one and the result will be a happier life for you and those around you.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/283178

How to Actually Make the Law Of Attraction Work For You

The Law of Attraction is based on the principle that all matter is made up of pure energy, which is in a constant state of vibration and spin.

The LOA implies that thoughts and emotions are also energy, each having a unique energy signature. Every energetic frequency is in a constant state of attraction or repulsion with all others. With the recent emergence of quantum mechanics, this notion has been largely supported at a micro level.

The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like,” and we are in a constant state of creating our reality through the energy we emit in the form of thoughts and emotion. We continuously interact with the fabric of reality (or quantum field), through thought and emotional energy, and whatever we focus on is likely to manifest. We are each creators of our own reality, and what we put out is what we will attract.

3 Things You Need to Know First

1. A key factor missing from the LOA is that we are creating on both a conscious and subconscious level. This accounts for the seeming contradiction between “opposites attract” and the major principle of LOA, “like attracts like.” 

We are still attracting the part of the whole that has been splintered and repressed into the subconscious mind. Basically, the actively repressed traits within ourselves are still charged, and this suppressed energy is also a point of attraction. Until we acknowledge and integrate it, it will still play a role in the creation of our external reality.

2. Our belief systems alter our manifestation process. If you want to manifest $10,000 in one week, but your underlying beliefs are largely identified with a state of lack, you will only manifest more lack.

This is because Law of Attraction works with both thought and emotion, and if you try to think your way into something that you don’t believe, your emotional reaction will support your unconscious beliefs more than your conscious thoughts. 

If you try to affirm, “I will be abundant,” but don’t believe it, those beliefs will surface via an emotional response that insinuates the opposite feeling. At that point, you are literally putting the gas and the breaks on at the same time, making manifestation very difficult.

One great tip to overcome this, as stated by Abraham Hicks, is to “start general, and then get specific” with your manifestation process. Start with what you can believe, and continue to expand as you see evidence of your manifestations taking place. This allows your thoughts and emotions to be in resonance rather than dissonance.

3. We are always manifesting according to our highest values. Renowned behavioral development specialist Dr. DeMartini (who was also featured in The Secret) discovered that we all have an inherent set of values that is largely governing our behavior. DeMartini is quoted as saying, “All of our actions are strategies to align with our values as efficiently as possible,” along with, “all of our positive and negative emotions are feedback as to whether or not we are living in our highest values.” Essentially, the things we value the most filter our perception at a subconscious level. They are governing the way that we manifest, and the reasons we do.

This is why, for example, someone might set a new year’s resolution to lose weight and never achieve their goal. If one of their highest values is social connection, their unconscious will perceive that taking the time to exercise and eat right actually conflicts with the time they would rather be spending at social events with others.

The trick, then, is to change your perception by tying in how exercise and diet actually support your high value on social connection. For example, you might feel more confident meeting new people when you are healthy and strong. Or you can approach it from the other end by tying your value into your goal. In this case, you could try to engage your value of social connection by going to the gym or to nutrition classes with your close friends.

What You Need to Know During Active Manifestation

These are some useful tips if you are meditating on your vision, or practicing visualization.

Clear your mind. To speed up the process of manifestation, presence and focus are key. If your attention is scattered, your manifestation will be too. Write down on paper whatever is bothering you, and vow to leave it outside of your visualization. This will help you stay present.

Open your heart for the process. Connect with the feeling of gratitude as you begin. This can be done by writing a short gratitude list, or by thinking of people/events that you are truly grateful for.

According to the HeartMath Institute, “The heart generates an electromagnetic field roughly 60 times greater in amplitude than brainwaves do.” This field is measured by an electrocardiogram (ECG), and brainwaves were measured using an electroencephalogram (EEG) during these findings. The heart is a major point of attraction. 

Be clear. The law of attraction is described as a law. This means it responds to everything, without exception. If you are mixed in your emotions or vision, it will slow the process. The clearer and more detailed you are, the faster your vision will come to life.

Engage your senses. Did you know that the brain can’t actually tell the difference between experience and visualization? This is why visualization is so useful for athletes. This principle applies directly to the LOA. What do you see, hear, smell, touch, and feel when you have arrived at your vision? Feel each sense distinctly, and don’t be afraid to sit with each one individually.

Engage emotion. This is how to charge your vision. Emotions are the driving force behind manifestation.

Align your intention with your values. Tie what you want to manifest into your highest values. More simply put, make sure you can see how your goals support the things that matter most to you in life. This will help you manifest congruently from both the conscious and subconscious mind.

Don’t be desperate. Try to imagine that you are gently requesting. If you are being needy or desperate in your request, you are coming directly from an emotional space of lack. The emotional feeling of lack will counteract your thought-energy, and you are more likely to stagnate.

What You Need to Know After

Take action. Taking action will create momentum, while also building evidence towards creating the belief that your manifestation is unfolding.

Act as if it has already happened. “I AM” is a creative, powerful phrase. If you conduct your behavior as the person you have already become, you are more energetically aligned with your goal.

Be aware of your internal dialogue. Remember, you are in a constant state of attracting or repulsing what it is that you want to achieve. Your internal dialogue is always creating a point of attraction, along with the emotional reactions it produces. Be congruent!

Allow! You must fully release your vision in order for it to manifest. If you are too attached to it, your need for control can actually stunt the process. Faith and belief in the process are key. It can be helpful to think in terms of being at a restaurant. Once you’ve placed your order, you have to give it time to be cooked up and served to you!

We are all creators, and we all deserve to live an inspired life. The Law of Attraction is a beautiful tool that enables us to consciously put our creative powers to use! In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.”

Source: http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/06/26/how-to-actually-make-the-law-of-attraction-work-for-you/