7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.

Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return.

We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship.

If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.

1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free.

If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.

2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship.

In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship.

3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues.

Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce.

4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense.

In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen.

5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire.

You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give  you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one.

6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape.

Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah.  Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.

7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship.

Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time.

And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.

Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person?

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-healthy-post-divorce-relationship-jmac/

How To Start Dating After Divorce

Going through a divorce is one of the most painful, stressful experiences that you will ever have. Much like grieving the loss of a loved one, getting a divorce can often feel like a death, as it severs not on a relationship, but family connections and the love that you once thought would last forever. And while the process is stressful (and expensive), once the paperwork is officially signed, you're challenged with the task of building your life again. From figuring out how you'll spend your solo time to making new life goals for yourself, who you become post-divorce is often a better version of who you were in an unhappy marriage.

After some time has passed, you might even start to consider dating again, only to quickly realize that it's not quite how it used to be. "For many, the hardest part of dating post-divorce is understanding the current way of dating. For someone who hasn't dated in over 20 years, the times have changed and so has societal norms. This can be very stressful for someone back on the dating scene. However, it's a good opportunity to have conversations with friends who are also dating and learn new ideas or approaches to dating," sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST says.

If you find yourself interested in getting back into the game and putting yourself out there, let these relationship experts share their helpful insights to give you a fighting chance of moving on and truly finding love again. Perhaps even a love that will really last a lifetime:

How Long Should You Wait?

You probably won't be scheduling a Tinder date for the evening your divorce papers were finalized. And depending on how intense or exhausting, emotionally and physically, your divorce was, it may be several months until you're in the mood to meet a new person. It's OK to give yourself as much time as you need because you not only want to be ready to welcome a new person into your life, but you want to also heal from those deep wounds caused by your divorce.

"There is no specific rule with dating and divorcing. Dating is not only a way to find a partner or future spouse but is also a way for men to connect with women or create a social group. In my practice, I do encourage all clients to take time off from serious dating or jumping into a new relationship immediately after ending a marriage and allow time for them to focus on self-growth including how they want their next relationship to be different than the last or any former relationships," Geter says. "On the other hand, I also encourage men to be social with others, which may include casual dating. I do encourage men to be upfront with dating partners about their relationship status and their intentions for the present moment."

Signs You're Ready

As much as you might be craving affection in the immediate aftermath of the divorce, now's not a great time to start dating. No one wants to go on a date with a guy who spontaneously cries on a first date, one who drinks too much or one that talks endlessly about his ex-wife. When you're finally inching toward being ready to date, you'll start to shift both your mentality and your expectations, paving the way for you to be a good date to a prospective partner. Here, relationship experts share the subtle signs that you're ready to mingle:

You're Actually Interested In Dating

If your relationship ended because she cheated or you slowly started falling out of love with one another, the period after a divorce is often one that's marked with extreme sadness. And when you're feeling down? You probably aren't even thinking about dating and you likely don't notice other attractive women who express an interest in you. But when you've moved on? The world will light up in color again, and it could feel a lot like spring.

"One sign a man is ready for serious dating post divorce is showing interest in women and dating. For some, a divorce can be a loss and trigger grief or short term depression. Part of depression is the loss of interest in pleasurable activities including dating or socializing. Therefore, when the depression or grief subsides, interest in activities or socializing will return. This may be a great opportunity to move from casual dating into more serious dating if that is the man's prerogative," Geter shares.

You Have A Good Attitude

Way back before you were married, can you think of any of the bad dates that you went on? While some were lackluster because you weren't attracted to your date, others were negative experiences because the girl was just no-fun to be around. When you're trying to determine if you're prepared to get back out there, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., relationship expert and author says to take a look in the mirror and consider what type of date you'd be for a new woman. If you're going to be cranky and upset the whole time, that's no way to begin a new relationship. But if you're curious and light hearted? That's recipe for a great first date. "A man is ready to date again when he has a good attitude about dating. When he's ready to have some fun and get out there and meet new people and be open. Dating with a bad attitude will only result in bad dates," she shares.

You've Processed Your Relationship

There's never just one person to blame for the end of a marriage, and for some, that can be a tough pill to swallow. Since relationship are push-and-pull, ebb-and-flow, yes-and-no, it's important to digest what happened in your previous marriage and truly process every feeling you have. A healthy place to do this is in therapy, where an expert can help you navigate your emotions, overcome anger and let go of resentment and pain.

"A man may be ready for dating when he has gained insight into patterns in previous relationships, and he can talk about these patterns including how they contributed to the dissolution of the relationship. Blaming someone else for negative situations is much easier than taking responsibility for how our actions impacted the situation," Geter explains. "When a male client can discuss how his behaviors impacted the marriage and show empathy toward the ex-spouse and relationship, this is a good sign he can approach new relationships in a different manner and understand reasons the prior relationships ended."

How To Get Started

So now that you've done the tough work to prepare yourself to meet someone new... where do you meet her? Looking out into the vastness of the dating pool, carrying your baggage in tow can be super-daunting. And while it might be difficult at first, remember that you've got this."Getting back in the dating scene can be difficult if the man was in a long-term marriage, because dating has probably changed quite a bit since he was single. It can be intimidating all of the new technology, dating sites and how to ask someone out again," Michael says. "But with time, it'll get easier — and even fun!"

Here's where to begin your search for a new love:

Give Online Dating A Shot

Though you probably don't want to download every online dating appimaginable, signing up for an online dating membership is a low-key way to dip your toe into dating. "Online dating can be tricky but it certainly is an avenue where you can meet people as well as make new friends. Find a dating site that is right for you and try it out one at a time and see how it goes," Michael says. With this type of dating, you don't want to set your expectations too high because you'll likely have to weed out several duds before finding someone who could be your match. You also want to be mindful of not chatting endlessly, but actually going out on dates, too.

AskMen Recommends: If you're not sure where to get started when it comes to online dating (depending on how long your marriage lasted, it might not even have existed last time you were on the market), AskMen's Online Dating Hub is a great place to figure out which sites or apps are most likely to help you find what you're looking for.

If you're just looking for the most popular sites to get the most bang for your buck, consider options like Match.com and Zoosk — or XMatch and FriendFinder-X if you're looking for a sexy fling more than a relationship.

Join An Activity Group

If your ex-wife was never into running and wouldn't go out on a Saturday morning with you to exercise, consider this: now you can meet someone who will. Or, if it bothered you that your ex-wife wasn't interested in traveling, you can be rest assured that you can find another woman who will collect passport stamps with you. The only hurdle in your way is getting out there and finding people who share your same interests. "A great way is to join a meetup group and go hiking or an activity he enjoys doing. This will get him out of the house and he can meet new people and that can lead to dating slowly. Join a club or group meeting and get involved in something that moves you inspires you and you have fun doing and meet people that way," Michael says.

Get Help From Friends

Now that you're available, tell people! One of the best ways to meet a partner is through a recommendation. "A way to ease into dating, is to let your friends know you're back on the dating scene and interested in meeting single women. Ask them to introduce you at parties or social gatherings where it may be more comfortable than a blind date. If you and the woman don't hit it off, then there are other people to hang out with instead of having to sit through the rest of an uncomfortable date," Geter says.

Source: https://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/46_dating_tips.html

8 Things You Need To Know About Dating After Divorce

More than 2 million Americans called their marriage quits last year. The bad news? That's a lot of divorce. The good news? If you're newly single, that's a lot of potential people to date. But first things first: Here's what to expect when you're navigating the singles scene once again.

Only you know when you're ready to date again.

"You'll have a chorus of people telling you it's time, but you need to follow your gut feelings," says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, an assistant clinical professor of psychology at Northwestern University. Her test: Close your eyes and imagine yourself dating. If you feel curious or excited, then you're probably ready. If you're terrified or sad, you need to give it some more time. Been a few years since the divorce papers were final? "Then you might benefit from some counseling sessions to see what's holding you back—for example, a lot of women feel overly self-conscience about their appearance," she says. (Make this your best year ever! Try the New Year, New You Rodale Challenge today.)

Online dating is the norm now.

Nope, it's not just something that the kids are doing—online dating is particularly common among divorcees. "Online dating used to be a weird thing, but it's standard now. Pretty much everyone who wants to date after divorce does it," says Patrick Markey, PhD, a professor of psychology at Villanova who is recently divorced himself. He suggests figuring out what online dating service you're most comfortable with—Tinder's based largely on first impressions from photos; Match.com and Eharmony.com generally attract 40+ daters looking for more serious relationships, and Okcupid.com is somewhere in between the two.

His profile might not be honest.

"About 20% of the men I've considered dating weren't who they said they were; they lied about their job or even current relationships," says Tiffany Beverlin, a divorcee who founded DreamsRecycled.com, a website that helps you sell items from your marriage. She checks the social media profiles (especially LinkedIn) of potential dates, and also does a web search before agreeing to meet. By the same token, make sure your online profile is genuine—and keep it short, using bullet points if possible.

Coffee or cocktails is a better first date than dinner.

"Dinner is too much of a time commitment, because you might not hit it off," says Mary Stuart Deibel, a senior matchmaker at Three Day Rule, a personalized service backed by Match.com. Another reason drinks are a better bet? Since most men tend to insist on picking up the tab, it's not so expensive that you'll feel guilty letting him pay if you don't want to see him again, says Deibel. (Just don't start binge drinking if it's not going well.)

Have an exit strategy in place before the date begins, knowing if you do feel a spark you can always schedule a second date. "It could be something as mundane as 'I have a car appointment at 10:30 so I need to leave by 10,' " says Stan Tatkin, PsyD, author of Wired for Dating. It's also smart to meet at a public place and let at least one of your friends know where you'll be.

Talk of the ex is off-limits—at least for the first time out.

It's tempting to go there, especially if you're both divorced. But the topic tends to be a downer, so try to find other common ground. "Instead of the usual, 'Tell me about yourself,' which is so broad, come up with some questions in advance to ask on the first date," suggests Washington, DC–based psychologist Venessa Perry. A few ideas: When's the last time you laughed hysterically? What books have you read multiple times? What's on your bucket list? "I try to keep the conversation light-hearted," says Michelle Roberts of Atlanta, who was married for 19 years before she called it quits. "I talk about entertainment, my job, and my kids, because I need to know someone that I'm in a relationship with is OK with the fact that I have three of them."

The kids shouldn't meet most of your dates.

Unless you've been in a committed relationship for 6 months (and these signs point to it lasting), don't introduce your kids to your date because they may get anxious or even attached, says Beverlin. If you have joint custody, schedule dates for times when your kids are with your ex, or find a sitter.

It's OK if sparks don't fly.

"Chemistry doesn't reveal itself for a while," says Solomon. So don't dis a date you enjoy being around because there weren't sparks on the first outing...or even the fourth. "It's hard not being able to know where the relationship will lead, but trust that it's unfolding and give it time."

Be mature about it.

The practice of blowing off texts and calls from people you're not interested in having a relationship with is becoming increasingly common, says Tatkin. While it's absolutely fine not to want a second or third date, be mature enough to say so rather than just disappear.

Source: https://www.prevention.com/sex/8-tips-for-dating-after-divorce

How To Be In A Relationship After Divorce Broke Your Heart

You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.

Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.

One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.

So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again.

This pause to question whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.

Your struggle with how to be in a relationship again could quite simply be a fear of the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:

1. You’re exactly the same person you were.
2. Your new love interest is just like your ex.

Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.

And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.

Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)

So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.

Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!

Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.

Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.

So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/417-how-to-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart

7 Dating Considerations for Divorced Individuals with Kids

Looking for a new mate as a divorced person with children is tricky - especially if your children are important to you, which hopefully they are. Why is it tricky? Because it takes time and experience before you can know if someone is mate-worthy. At the same time, it’s not recommended to introduce your new friend to your kids until you think the relationship is serious enough to warrant that. 

It’s also important for your kids and your new prospective partner to like each other or feel some inkling of rapport. If they have bad chemistry right from the start, it makes everything harder when it comes to creating a successful step family. 

If you introduce a new person too early, you run the risk of your kids having to meet multiple dates – which could feel weird for your kids. If you introduce too late and you are thoroughly smitten to the point of being invested, and the vibe is bad with the kids (in either direction), it will be tempting to minimize the potential problems brewing. 

So, you see, it can be tricky.

Kids don’t choose divorce: their parents do. Although some of you may not feel that you’ve chosen your situation, you must admit that you chose and created it more than your children did. Most of the time, kids don’t choose to have a stepparent. If you choose wisely, however, they may be grateful to you in the future for doing so.

Getting separated or divorced is generally a sad, destabilizing time for most people. Finding yourself alone and not being used to it, or longing for the intimacy that was lacking in your marriage, can tempt you into settling into a new relationship prematurely. When you have children, it’s very important to take your time and thoughtfully choose your next partner.
Some people recommend writing a list of all the things that you’re looking for in a mate, which is a good idea. But don’t stop there: after you write a list of the qualities that you want in your next partner, write a list of the qualities that this ideal person would be looking for in their next partner. And then, cultivate those qualities in yourself.

Here are seven qualities and things to look for in someone who is going to be a stepparent to your kids:

1. They understand that by marrying you, they are also making a lifelong commitment to be kind and supportive with your children – as much as the relationship will allow.
2. They have a cooperative and collaborative attitude toward your ex and kids. For example, it’s best if there is sensitivity with the kids around not speaking badly of their other parent in front of them. 
3. They focus on developing their own positive, independent relationship with your children. 
4. They are willing to take a backseat to you as the disciplinarian. They accept that while you will collaborate behind the scenes, as the biological parent, you will be making the final decisions.
5. They understand and accept that it will be a challenging road at times. Along this road, the children are likely to experience conflicting loyalties and be slow, if ever, to warm up to your new partner.
6. They are committed to personal growth and to working on the marriage – even when the going gets tough. The last thing your kids need is to go through another divorce.
7.  They have plenty of room and desire in their heart to love you and your children.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/dating-considerations-for-divorced-individuals-with-kids

Dating After Divorce: 10 Rules For A Stress-Free Love Life Post-Split

Think nothing could be more stressful than going through divorce? Try dating after a split, which can be a major source of anxiety for recently-separated singles. Navigating the dating scene after divorce does involve getting out of your comfort zone — but it doesn’t have to be stressful, if you’re able to embrace a healthy mindset and follow a few basic dating rules.

“People expect, especially later in life, that dating is going to be the same as it was in their early 20s when they first were dating -– and it’s not at all,” matchmaker and dating coach Kimberly Seltzer tells the Huffington Post. “The pool is different, and people have life experiences and stress to contend with. The first thing to change is your mindset.”

Even though things have changed — both in your relationships and out in the dating world — meeting new people doesn’t have to be an anxiety-inducing process. Scroll through the list below for a 10-step guide to getting back in the saddle with less stress post-split.

1. Get In Touch With Yourself First.

Before you even think about going on your first date post-split, make sure to get back on track with yourself and adjust to your new single lifestyle. Seltzer recommends focusing on exploring new interests, cultivating a healthy lifestyle and renewing your image with a wardrobe update.

“The first step is getting back to basics and figuring out what your passions are, and also feeding your spirit and getting really solid with yourself,” Seltzer says. “It can be overwhelming, so really focus on you first before you get back into the dating pool.”

2. Find Some Single Friends.

Finding a group of single friends is the next step, says Seltzer (she adds, “If you don’t have ‘em, get ‘em!”). Going out and having a good time with friends can be a great way to both boost your confidence, adapt to your new single lifestyle and meet people. You never know who will catch your eye at a bar, coffee shop or play — and if you see someone who interests you, don’t be afraid to say hello (see rule #3).

If most of your friends are married and you’re having a hard time meeting like-minded singles, Seltzer recommends joining groups or clubs based on your interests or attending networking events.

3. Don’t Rush.

If you’re still experiencing anger towards your former spouse and haven’t moved past constant thoughts of your marriage, you may not be ready to start dating yet.

According to Marni Battista, relationship coach and founder of Dating with Dignity, you’ll know that you’re ready when you can talk about your ex without having to put him or her down.

4. Get Online (And Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help).

The new technology of dating can be very stressful, Battista tells the Huffington Post. “Texting, sexting, chatting, Skyping, instant messaging, dating sites...All of that can really stress someone out and they can get overwhelmed and they may not do it correctly, which reinforces many of their fears or beliefs that dating is hard.”

While you shouldn’t feel overwhelming by the changing role of technology in the dating scene, it may still help to educate yourself on new developments so that you can text and date online with confidence. These days, the stigma of online dating has all but vanished — so don’t be shy about turning to others for their wisdom when you’re struggling with that “about me” section.

“Spend some time doing a little research,” advises Battista. “Become educated with information. Seek out your friends and ask for help.”

5. Don’t Get Down On Yourself When Things Don’t Work Out.

Dating always comes with the possibility that things won’t work out the way you hoped. But by viewing dating as practice, you can minimize stress and anxiety around encounters that may not have gone as you’d hoped.

“Try to have a mindset that it’s just going to be fun, and that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your Prince Charming,” says Seltzer.

6. Fake It ‘Til You Make It.

Although you don’t want to dive into the dating pool until you’re ready, if it’s been a year and you’re still afraid to go on that first date, it might be time to adopt the old “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy to boost your dating confidence. There is scientific evidence that suggests pretending to be confident can actually make you more confident. In a recent Huffington Post article about how acting in love helps you stay in love, Dr. Craig Malkin discussed the benefits of this technique. The lesson is simple, Malkin writes: “First we act; then we feel.”

7. Don’t Dish On The Details Too Early.

You want your date to see you for all the things that make you who you are — not just as someone who’s recently gone through a tough divorce.

“Save the story of your past for when you have a connection,” says Battista. “Then they can put you in context with who you are now, not to just try to paint that picture against the backdrop of your divorce.”

8. Make Time To De-Stress Before A First Date.

First dates are nerve-racking for everyone — not just recent divorcees. But you can keep the jitters at bay (and make sure not to come across as too nervous) by taking a little time while you’re prepping to get yourself relaxed and centered.

“Take a moment to get calm and take a few deep breaths and envision you going on this date and having a great time,” says Battista. “Spend even 60 seconds imagining the date being what you want it to be, rather than what you’re afraid of.”

9. Don’t Be Afraid To Take Risks.

Dating can bring out our worst fears of the unknown, causing us to hold back and avoid taking risks when it comes to our love lives. Once you’ve gotten back on your feet and have established a single life that you love, then you can turn your focus to dating again.

“Ask yourself if you like your life the way it is now –- are you looking for a person to add to it, or to fill in the gaps? You [should be] dating from a place of opportunity rather than a fear,” says Battista.

To get past your fear of putting yourself out there, try to look at dating as an opportunity for self-discovery, rather than just a way to get a new love interest. This way, you’ll be focusing first on your own needs, which will make for a less stressful dating experience — and will help you to find someone who truly meets your needs and contributes positively to your life.

10. Don’t Take Dating Too Seriously.
Although it may be hard to think of dating as fun when you’re just getting started, that’s exactly what it should be. Look at your dating experiences as testing the waters, rather than a race to a new relationship — it will take the pressure off and help you simply enjoy the process.

“For the first three to six months, look at dating as an opportunity to practice. If you fail it doesn’t matter,” says Battista. “Go into it saying that the result is not a reflection of your lovability. Just use it as a practice ground.”



Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/19/dating-after-divorce_n_2884946.html

What are the legal implications of dating during and after divorce?

Not surprisingly, new relationships are often forged between one spouse and a third party while the spouse is still married to their husband or wife. Even more often, divorced parties seek out and begin new relationships after their divorce has been brought to judgment. Most people believe that there are no legal implications to beginning those relationships, and most often they are right. However, sometimes there may be negative or even positive legal implications stemming from those new relationships.

When spouses begin outside relationships during marriage, the bulk of possible negative legal implications arise.  While 33 states currently provide (and recommend) divorce based on irreconcilable differences, the remainder of the states, and some of the states that also allow no-fault divorce, permit parties to file for divorce based on fault. One of the legal grounds for a fault-based divorce is adultery. The implications that could arise and the legal effect of an adultery claim in a particular divorce case will vary under each state’s law. In some states, criminal implications could arise when a spouse has been found to have committed adultery, although the prosecution of such crimes appears to have gone by the wayside in the past decades. As one example, if a court finds that one spouse has committed adultery and allows a divorce on those grounds, usually the legal implication extends to the issues of spousal support (alimony) and the division of assets and debts wherein the court would allow more or less alimony and assign property differently as if there were no adultery.

The primary legal significance of a person dating before or after marriage, however, arises when children are involved.  When child custody and visitation is an issue during a divorce case, or even during post judgment proceedings, the presence of a new person in the mix can be important both negatively and positively.  In every state, a divorce court is charged with ensuring that the best interest of the children is the focus, and child custody and visitation orders are based on this premise. If a parent brings a new dating relationship to the presence of the children to quickly, it could negatively impact the children because they may believe that the other parent is being replaced. Family Court judges are cognizant of the fact that many people want to move on with their lives, but they balance that right with the children’s best interests.  It is often most appropriate for a parent beginning a new relationship to introduce that person to the children slowly over a period of time.

There can be severely negative impacts for a parent that begins dating a person with a questionable history, including a criminal past. The mere possibility of a person with a criminal history spending time with children is grounds for the court to significantly limit the dating parent’s custody of the children. Conversely, in some cases a state court family law judge may consider the presence of a new person as having a positive impact on the children. For example, if a divorced father begins dating a woman who is a pediatric nurse, the inclination may be for the judge to view that in a positive light due to the possible benefits to the children. However, keep in mind that there are a significant number of cases that unwaveringly conclude that a “two-parent” household cannot be preferred over a one parent household when a judge is determining child custody and visitation orders. These rules and holdings vary state-by-state.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/what-are-the-legal-implications-of-dating-during-and-after-divorce

Afraid of Divorce? 15 Reasons Not To Be

Are you afraid of getting divorced? I understand. Society places so much value on staying married. There is pressure there.

Some of that pressure is good, it keeps people from taking marriage too lightly. (Except for Kim Kardashian. )

However, there are those on the other end of the spectrum who need to get divorced but don’t, because they are too scared. I understand that side too.

Divorce is stressful. Facing the unknown and facing fears head-on is tough. However, there are upsides to divorce.

As a relationship therapist with 20+ years experience, I have gone through this with many clients and friends. Here are some benefits and upsides to divorce that I have seen and learned:

1. Divorce pain is temporary. It will pass. Staying married in an unhealthy relationship will last longer than the temporary pain of a divorce. Sometimes it is good to pull the old bandage off so that you can heal and move on with your life.

2. Just because society tells you that something is “bad” doesn’t mean it is. After all, caffeine was considered dangerous at one time. Now they are saying if you drink enough of it, you won’t get cancer. Slaves used to be considered okay. The list of societally endorsed mistakes is long.

3. The same people judging you negatively for getting a divorce are probably part of the Miserable & Married crowd. There are plenty of those. Happy, contented and healthy people don’t go around judging and condemning other people.

4. Forever is a long freaking time. The people who made these marriage rules only lived into their twenties. Then they conveniently died of the Black Plague or something worse. Remember this.

BTW: I love the scene on Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry is supposed to renew his vows. He stands up there and starts coughing and wigging out when he has to say “into eternity.” His argument is “Eternity???!” Isn’t a lifetime enough? LOL.

5. People change and grow, they want different things. That is the reality of life. This is normal, okay and expected.

6. If you squash yourself, squash your needs, and keep down who you really are, you will suffer from depression, stress and anxiety or develop stress related medical problems. Staying miserable due to fear will allow fear to grow in you. This fear will make you feel more dependent and more scared about leaving. If your relationship is severely unhealthy, you will be even more afraid to leave. A total mind f***!

7. What about the kids? Kids will suffer more if you stay miserable in your marriage. This can lead to them feeling fearful of leaving their own marriages if they are unhealthy or dysfunctional. Do you want that for them? Use your love for their care as motivation.

8. No matter how difficult a divorce gets, you always have choices. It is easy to forget this. No matter how miserable your ex tries to make you, you will have choices. In addition, you will have supportive friends, wine, your therapist, girlfriends, various 12-step programs, and your Higher Power.

9. It takes courage to face the unknown. Get support and rely on your Higher Power to see you through. This is good practice of learning where and how to let go.

10. What about the kids again? It is very difficult to maintain integrity when things get nasty. As long as you are doing that, and holding your kids’ needs first, it will be okay. Read the Good Karma Divorce by M. Lowrance and get them as much support as possible. They will get through it.

11. Some fathers actually show up and provide active interaction with kids after a divorce. I have had a ton of friends with spouses who never interacted with the kids or participated in the kids’ lives until they got divorced. Post divorce, the parent has to actually drive to the house, pick up the kids, and talk to them. This can be a wonderful shift for children who are used to dad just slinking off to his man cave.

12. After they say it out loud and put the divorce into play, most people are relieved to be done with that constant fighting and tension they had felt. They they can finally B-R-E-A-T-H-E.Ahhh …. Let your lawyer fight it out instead of you. It is a huge relief for many after the hardest parts are finalised.

13. If you are the unlucky winner of a spouse that has left you, I am so sorry. You will need to grieve. Know that the world has something so much better waiting for you. Please try to trust this and carry hope. I have seen it happen over and over so if you don’t believe me, trust that I may be right.

14. If you guys change your mind, you can always get married again. I have a client whose parents got divorced and then remarried 20 years later. This time, they are happy. Everything happens in the time and manner it is supposed to.

15. Last but not least, now you can be like a kid in a candy store in the sex department. Tinder, Match.com, Farmers Only. There is a lot of hot sex going on out there with people who are newly divorced. Wahoo!

I am certainly not endorsing divorce. It is best if a couple gets professional treatment before taking this step. It is important to take the time to consider the impact of such a decision long term.

In addition, as a couples counselor, I am proud to say that there have been many couples who have walked through my door thinking they may have to get divorced but then they didn’t. However, staying together isn’t always the best option for every couple and family. We don’t always have all the information we need to make good decisions when we walk down that aisle.

“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t,” really isn’t the best philosophy for joy and richness. Don’t ever let fear be your primary motivation. Let joy, hope, faith, and courage carry you along…

Source: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychology-women/2015/02/afraid-of-divorce-15-reasons-not-to-be/

6 Tips to Help You Adjust to Being Single Again After Divorce

When someone loses a spouse through death or divorce, that loss can be devastating. A period of mourning follows, even in the case of divorce, because of not fulfilling the dreams they had for the relationship. However, there comes a time when life has to begin again, and many singles feel lost in making this transition part of a couple to being single again.
Below are 6 tips to consider when adjusting to being single again.

1. Get to know yourself.

When a couple has been together for a while, the choices they make on where to have dinner, how to decorate their home, their personal choice in clothing, or other decisions are usually made together. After a divorce, each person may not know his or her own likes and dislikes. Take some time to try new things.

Learn your favorite foods, what hobbies you enjoy, where you like to go for dining or entertainment. This can be a time of experimentation and discovery and can be enjoyable. You will find that many of the things you've always done may not have been your own personal choice. And you will also find that many of the things you liked doing before marriage are open to you again since your divorce.

2. Give yourself time.

Therapists recommend a minimum of one year after a divorce to get grounded as a person and avoid rebound relationships. A year is only a guideline.

Some people may need longer in order to feel they have gotten themselves grounded. Be patient with yourself and don't rush things. Rebound relationships are not fair to either party. Build a new relationship with yourself and don't allow fear of being single and alone drive you into unhealthy love relationships.

3. Join some groups or clubs that interest you.

Many newly single people join a divorce recovery group and that is the first interaction they have with others as a single person. It can be helpful to find a group you can be a part of, whether it's a writer's group, bird watching, book club, or whatever you like. Getting out there and getting involved will help you move forward in your life.

Nothing makes it easier to find like-minded people and fun groups than social media. If there is nothing in your area you are interested, search Facebook for open or private groups to join. You will find everything on Facebook for Quilting groups to Nascar groups.

4. Make new friends and develop a support system.

Some of your married friends may not feel comfortable socializing with a single person, especially if they are also friends with your spouse. You may find you have more in common with other singles, so seek out people that have common interests. This may be the time to strengthen relationships with your biological family and a good therapist. Having someone to talk to during this transition can make it much easier to cope.

5. Have fun.

Life is different as a single but that doesn't mean it can't be fun and fulfilling.

More and more people today choose to remain single, and thoroughly enjoy the single lifestyle. They list advantages such as not having to ask someone how to spend their money, eating whenever they feel like it and not on someone else's schedule, and not having to share a bathroom! Think of the good things that being single has done for you. Take time to enjoy yourself and laugh often. Laughter really is good medicine.

6. When you feel you are ready to date, take it slow and easy.

Single people often complain that dating has changed and they don't know the new rules. The only rules are to do what feels comfortable for you. You don't have to conform for anyone. Be yourself and be true to yourself.

Tip:
By easing through the transition from being half of a couple to being single, you give yourself time to make a life that is happy and fulfilling.

Be patient with yourself and you just might find you like being single!

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-adjust-to-being-single-again-after-divorce-1103020

5 Post-Divorce Dating Tips for Dads

If you approach dating thoughtfully after your divorce and consider your children’s needs, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor fantasies that you will reconcile with your ex-spouse. This might make it a challenge for them to accept someone you are dating into their lives.

As a result, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether your new romantic relationship is casual or might be permanent. Ask yourself: Is my new partner a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry and compatibility with someone, but they might not be well suited to join your family.

The number one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce your partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. Next, the setting and length of an introduction is crucial to success. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.

Additionally, keep in mind the age of your children when introducing them to a new love interest, because younger children (under age 10) may feel confused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most young children find their parents' courtship behaviors confusing and strange.

While adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, they may still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Ahrons also found that teenagers may find open affection between their parent and a partner troubling – so go easy on physical contact in front of them.

Do you want your children to model their dating behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself and your kids to build new relationships sensibly.

5 Tips for Introducing Your New Partner to Your Children

1. Remember that your needs for intimacy may conflict with your children’s needs.
Just because you are smitten with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interest – especially during the first few years after the divorce.

2. Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce.
Children need time to adjust to their parents' split, and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. Introducing a new love interest too soon may delay or damage this process. You owe it to your kids to take it slow!

3. Consider your children’s emotional needs.
Introducing your new lover to your kids can increase stress in the house and take energy away from your kids' ability to grieve the losses associated with your divorce.

4. Have fun dating when your kids are with their other parent, friends, or family members.
If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may create ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don’t work out. Inform your kids that you are going out with friends, which is enough information.

5. Set an example for responsible parenting and dating.
Keep in mind that your children look to you as a model for healthy adult romantic relationships, so proceed with caution.

If you’ve been dating someone for a while (at least 3-4 months) and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a restaurant or neutral spot for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.

Be sure not to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away. If you have shared custody, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with their other parent. Having your new partner spend the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent.

It’s important to assure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. The following story of Tom illustrates a blogger who didn’t have his eyes wide open and was blindsided by blending his kids with his girlfriend too soon.

Tom, a 45-year-old newly divorced dad, described his new partner Kendra as sexy, fun, and the complete opposite of his ex-wife Shana. They had been dating for a little over two months and she was head over heels in love with him. He had just asked her to move in with him and decided to call me for coaching because his teenage daughter, Abby, complained bitterly when he told her.

As Tom spoke, he was eager to share: “Kendra’s just so different from Shana, and I can really be myself with her. She has two daughters and is a great mom. I figure my daughter will like her because she’s a lot of fun to be around.”

During our second discussion, I asked Tom to make a list of any disadvantages of introducing Kendra to Abby too soon. When Tom and I spoke a week later, he was feeling distraught and disappointed that a meeting between Kendra and Abby was a disaster. In fact, Tom was questioning if he was ready for an instant family and wished he hadn’t rushed into introducing his daughter to his new girlfriend.

Tom’s situation illuminates the importance of dating thoughtfully after divorce. You can enjoy dating and support your children at the same time. It’s crucial to consider the amount of time since your divorce and delay introducing your kids to new partners who you are dating casually.

In closing, post-divorce dating can be enjoyable if you approach it attentively. Keeping your children’s needs in mind will help you preserve your bond with your kids and promote their resilience while you make a smooth transition into the next phase of your life.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/post-divorce-dating-tips-for-dads

Love Again: 6 Real-Life Tips for Dating After Divorce

Infidelity, separation, divorce—they can tear you apart. You might doubt whether you can fall in love again. In hopes it’ll help you, I’ll share what I learned after my marriage fell apart. Though I’m not a relationship expert, experience can be the best teacher. I had been married for 32 years and was hurt to the marrow of my bones when my husband left me. How in the world would I ever have another relationship? I knew I wanted one, but the daunting task of finding the right person scared me to death. Here are five things that worked for me when I began dating after divorce:

1. Get out in the dating world again when you’re ready.

How do you know you’re ready? If you’re still feeling extremely hurt (crying in the grocery store) or angry (throwing your laptop across the room), or otherwise not through your grieving process, you’re not ready. But if you feel like you’re moving on, you’ve regained your independence, you are happy by yourself… then take the leap.

Even if you don’t date, at least get out socially – go to a concert, sporting event, art exhibit, whatever interests you. Enjoy yourself and increase your chances of meeting someone with like interests. Going alone will give you a sense of confidence, but if you’re the kind of person who can’t go solo, then recruit some friends to go with you. I bravely made myself attend a poetry reading alone when my husband and I were separated. I even took off my wedding ring, though I felt naked. Guess what? I ended up sitting with a couple of people who’d been in a class with me, and I also met new poet friends. It made me feel good about myself again – knowing I didn’t have to be part of a couple. In fact, I am still part of that poetry community.

At one point, I looked around an online dating site. My heart was actually beating hard with the possibilities, like a teenager wondering who’d take me to the prom. I saw a few profiles of interesting men. But then I freaked out, not able to imagine actually going on a date. That told me I wasn’t ready. A year or so later, after I had lived alone and knew I was fine by myself, I started dating someone I’d met through friends. I was ready; I wasn’t needy or on the rebound. I’ll admit: Dating after being married for 32 years was weird. It was fun, too, because I was ready.

2. Catch yourself when you're comparing.

You’re naturally going to compare your new man or woman to your ex. You’ll want to run away from anyone with the same characteristics that contributed to your marriage falling apart. You’ll feel drawn to aspects of the new person’s personality that are refreshingly different from the ex, even though in the long run, those things might be negatives. For example, if your ex was shy, you might be attracted to someone who is the life of the party. But being with that person all the time might be exhausting.

For me, being with a man who was totally accepting of me—metaphoric warts and all—was a new experience, and I learned that's what I wanted. I also wanted a happy man, in contrast to my restless ex who always saw the grass as greener on the other side.

Yes, you’ll be doing a lot of weighing of pros and cons. A spreadsheet won’t reveal the answer. You must use both your heart and your head. Try to look at the whole picture: How does this new person make you feel? How might he or she fit into your life? Will it be a total disruption (maybe one that’s needed) or will the new relationship slide right into the natural course of your life? On paper, my guy wasn’t Mr. Perfect, but he was the sweetest, most genuine man I’d ever met. Don’t expect perfection – it doesn’t exist. Take your time to really get to know this new person (see number 4). Even if you’re almost 60, like I was, you have a lifetime. And I’m going to guess dating someone later in life is a little easier than when you’re in your 30s or 40s. Sure, the older candidates have more baggage (as you do), but they have learned a lot too and tend not to play games with your affections.

3. Listen to your friends… but...

Yes, your friends will be a good set of eyes for seeing things from the outside, but they cannot know the intimacies of your relationship. Only you can decide who is right for you. However, if all your friends are concerned that you’re making a bad choice, pay attention. They might see warning signs that you can’t see. Some of my friends were concerned that I fell in love again too quickly. But for me, it worked.

4. Go slowly without fear.

A new relationship is exciting and scary. It’s scary partially because it requires an investment in time to get to know someone. (When do you invest time or cut bait before it’s too late?) It’s scary, too, because the initial excitement will not last. That doesn’t mean the relationship won’t be good, but the crazy, romantic, infatuated, falling-in-love part doesn’t last – reality sets in. The reality might be fine or it might be a rude awakening. Since you can’t predict the future, the only thing you can do is proceed with wise caution and courage. Fear will paralyze you. Do as the old saying says: “Take it one step at a time.”

5. Throw out old models and create something new.

You might just want to date and not narrow it down to one relationship. That’s okay too. One of them might turn into a permanent thing, or not – whatever. As my mother told me once, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Allowing a relationship to develop in its natural course is always better than forcing things too soon. I have a friend who had been divorced twice when she met her Mr. Right. They’ve now been together for years but don’t live together. There are no rules when it comes to creating the relationship that works for both of you.

6. Keep a journal.

If you’ve read my posts before, you know I encourage journaling or otherwise writing down your thoughts and feelings. It helps you get them out of your mixed-up head and into the light where they can begin to make sense or be tossed away as nonsense. Here’s a poem I wrote when I was just starting to think about dating again. It kind of proves you can have a sense of humor even when life seems as scary as getting on a plane when the flight right before it crashed. The poem is in my book, Untying the Knot.

Mating Instincts

I’m not ready to jump
on the find-a-man bandwagon.
Haven’t had to since 25—
when (it’s said) my instincts chose
a mate whose genes mixed
with mine for the best offspring.
Yep, got a check-plus, gold star there.
What might I want at 56?
Rather than a handsome face,
long legs, high IQ, maybe
it’s wisdom, longevity,
no adult son
still at home addicted
to Star Trek reruns.
But some men my age look like
how I remember Grandpa
(usually dozing in his chair):
wisps of yellow-white hair, scalp
spotted, Basset jowls, ear lobes
to his collar bones.
I can still smell the Old Spice…
Yet coupling instincts run strong.
With a mind of their own,
my eyes scan the left hand
of every man,
even those least likely—
my mother’s greasy-haired,
stressed-out gastroenterologist;
the 40-ish guy in red pants
pressing the elevator button;
the sewer repairman who,
at first heart-stopping glance,
looks like the one
whose midlife crisis caused mine.
-- Karen Paul Holmes

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/love-6-real-life-tips-for-dating-after-divorce