Showing posts with label Mindset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mindset. Show all posts
Monday, 19 October 2020
Get past the fear and take action
Some thoughts on how our fears whether founded or unfounded can hold us back from achieving our goals or taking actions to achieve our goals.
What fears are holding you back from your intention to thrive?
Friday, 9 October 2020
Confronting one of my fears and moving forward with action!
Taking some of my own advice from my last video message, I thought I'd better confront one of my own minor fears and get back on the bike after a winter off; fear of failure (thanks to the lost fitness) and fear of success (if it went well I'd have to do it more regularly!) were both at play! Fortunately all was well in the end!
Hope you're having a great weekend!
Wednesday, 7 October 2020
10 Rules To Reinventing Yourself
Oprah’s newest book titled “What I Know For Sure” got me to asking myself what do I really know? After these past two really challenging years one thing I really know about is picking yourself up and starting over after things fall apart. I just turned 49 (amazing all by itself!). More amazing is that even now, I am, once again, reinventing my life and career.
This has been such a difficult time but also one of such huge growth that I feel compelled to share it. I know I am not alone in facing abrupt reinvention and I hope my own journey can be helpful to others SO... here are my Top Ten Rules to Strong Self-Reinvention.
But, despite the terror and exhaustion, I knew that in order to find a way out I had to go in, deep. The first step to breaking through the breakdown is taking a deep, honest look into ourselves at our patterns, the parts of us that need to improve AND the parts of us we know are good.
In the midst of my brokenness I saw how tormented I’d been by my feelings of unworthiness. I was horrified and embarrassed to realize how much that “not-enoughness” had driven a deep desire to be recognized and validated by others. This was wildly painful and embarrassing to face but as soon as I did I started growing again, and loving myself more. As I got to know myself better I started more truly believing in my own value.
In reinvention it’s important to examine the circumstances, feelings and reactions and stay on the alert for those Eureka! moments when a whole new realization pops into consciousness. It’s often in our most tortured moments we learn the really powerful truths that can transform and free us.
Other times the call for reinvention is more subtle. Things aren’t catastrophic but you know they aren’t what they should or could be. In some ways this is even harder because you have to throw yourself out of the nest! You have to overcome the human tendency to stay in the comfort zone even when it’s uncomfortable. Everything we do is a choice. Deciding to do nothing is a choice!
A couple of months into my unasked for life-changing mess I told my counselor about my Dirty Bathrobe days and, to my great surprise, she said, “Well, given what you’re going through as long as it’s only a day or so and not three or four and every week, it’s probably pretty healthy!”
When facing extremely challenging, life-changing phases in our lives we need to be gentle with ourselves and make some room every now and then to lay down the burden and take a break from the battle.
It is critical to find your motivation, your catalyst, the thing you hook into to pull out of the despair. And this is NEVER something outside yourself even though it might look like it.
For me, this came in the form of my beloved dog, who after two days of laying next to my prone, zoned body would become restless and I knew she needed exercise. Or the cat pestered me for food. Or my fiancé really needed to talk. Sometimes it was that I just didn’t want to treat myself unhealthfully for one more moment. It was love that got me off the couch. Love for the dog, the cat, John and even for myself.
So go ahead and give yourself a break, wallow a bit, but for god’s sake don’t lie around until you get bedsores or can’t find a Lifetime movie you haven’t seen!
When my recent ordeal exploded it triggered so much pain from past traumas that I found myself literally flinching from old memories. I knew I was going to need professional help to cope with the attacks and my own frantic, stabbing feelings. I began working with a therapist, who luckily, was trained in Eye Movement Deprogramming and Reprocessing (EMDR). This turned out to be life-transforming. I am now absolutely certain that had I not leaned into therapy so early in the crisis I would have had a much harder time surviving it, let alone thriving on the other side.
Professional counseling can be especially valuable if your need for reinvention involves shame. Growing scientific evidence suggests that shame is one the most painful and destructive emotions. Guilt is believing that you have done something bad; shame is believing that you are bad. Shame means feeling worthless, rejected, cast out.
The professional counselling and deep dive inner work not only helped me survive the onslaught, but it actually empowered me to reach a place where I feel more enough than I ever have in my entire life. This feeling is SO WORTH the vulnerability of baring your soul to a trained stranger!
The main thing that helped me weather the loss was realizing that even through I may not HAVE those things anymore, I still WAS everything I had been before my fall from grace. Every talent, every skill, every bit of professional and personal experience was still in me.
The same is true of everyone. You can lose things, positions, jobs, titles, homes, lovers. But no matter the loss you still are what you are and all your talents and experiences are right there ready to help you open up the next phase of your reinvented life.
At first I was resentful and terrified and my ego stung. I felt like I’d been demoted in life in general! I really had to scramble just to pay the bills. But I moved forward, took some risks, STRETCHED! I got a paid gig as a writer. I took on some research work. I started teaching personal development courses. I also started volunteering for causes I loved but had been too busy for. And, guess what? I LOVED it!
I realized that by fighting so hard to hold onto my old familiar view of myself I was actually limiting my full identity. Not only was I everything I had been before but I was also a professional writer, a wildlife healer and a great dog-fence builder! By clinging to the old image of myself, I was masking my bigger, fuller, more creative bad ass Self with a capital S!
You can either believe you’ve been lessened by the loss of the old, familiar way of things, or you can find fabulous aspects of a fuller, richer, more multi-faceted YOU.
To reinvent strong you have to shed the people who undermine you. Don’t chase after the ones who flee. You can never lose a true friend and abandoners aren’t worth your effort.
And don’t spend time with those who tear down your dreams or judge you unworthy. It is easy enough to fall into the trap of doing that ourselves — we don’t need reinforcements!
Instead be very intentional, spending time with people who are positive, moving forward and genuinely want good for you. Sometimes these are the old, dear friends that stick. Other times they’re new friends that appear at just the right moment — don’t overlook or undervalue either of these precious gifts. And do not, for one more second, spend your precious time and energy on people who don’t believe in you and want you to be your very best!
And remember, cutting someone loose today doesn’t mean they’re out of your life forever — sometimes it just needs a big break. I “divorced” my biological family for years and now we are coming back together more healthfully and lovingly than I ever would have believed.
It was incredibly good for me. Watching a dog run and play freely for the first time in their lives in a fence that I had helped build I knew I’d done something valuable that day. Their canine joy and forgiving natures were infectious. And, being part of the community of fellow volunteers helped overcome my sense of isolation.
Giving to someone else is one of the very best ways to feel valuable and abundant because it proves you have enough to spare, you have something of value.
Whatever spiritual path you choose be sure to include gratitude. It is essential not to let the challenges blind you to goodness and abundance you already have. We attract what we focus on. What we appreciate appreciates! And there is nothing better for keeping a hopeful positive outlook than practicing gratitude.
Connecting to our spiritual aspects is essential to shaping a strong self-reinvention. These times of turmoil can break us down but they also hold the promise of breaking us open into deeper, richer more beautiful lives. Getting in touch with spirit, with our true inner selves is key to seizing that awesome gift.
To Wrap Up: Make no mistake, successful self-reinvention isn’t for wimps! But it is absolutely essential to living your fullest life. Here’s to empowering your inner Phoenix Rising and becoming the next awesome version of YOU!
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cylvia-hayes/ten-rules-to-reinventing-_b_11763942.html
This has been such a difficult time but also one of such huge growth that I feel compelled to share it. I know I am not alone in facing abrupt reinvention and I hope my own journey can be helpful to others SO... here are my Top Ten Rules to Strong Self-Reinvention.
1) Look for Deeper Meaning in the Mess
Two years ago when my life blew up, again, in spectacular fashion, I was freaked out, angry and absolutely terrified. I was scared to death that maybe I really was so flawed, so deeply fucked up, I was beyond repair and would never be able to achieve a sound, solid career and life.But, despite the terror and exhaustion, I knew that in order to find a way out I had to go in, deep. The first step to breaking through the breakdown is taking a deep, honest look into ourselves at our patterns, the parts of us that need to improve AND the parts of us we know are good.
In the midst of my brokenness I saw how tormented I’d been by my feelings of unworthiness. I was horrified and embarrassed to realize how much that “not-enoughness” had driven a deep desire to be recognized and validated by others. This was wildly painful and embarrassing to face but as soon as I did I started growing again, and loving myself more. As I got to know myself better I started more truly believing in my own value.
In reinvention it’s important to examine the circumstances, feelings and reactions and stay on the alert for those Eureka! moments when a whole new realization pops into consciousness. It’s often in our most tortured moments we learn the really powerful truths that can transform and free us.
2) Make Conscious Choices
Sometimes life blows up and we have no other option but to reinvent. The choices then aren’t if you’re going to do something differently, they’re what and how you’re going to do it. For me, I just made the choice that I wasn’t going to allow my attackers to defeat me. That not only meant figuring out a way to get my career back on the rails. It also meant not allowing myself to harden, to succumb to the depression or the hate. It meant working very intentionally on my inner self and on forgiveness.Other times the call for reinvention is more subtle. Things aren’t catastrophic but you know they aren’t what they should or could be. In some ways this is even harder because you have to throw yourself out of the nest! You have to overcome the human tendency to stay in the comfort zone even when it’s uncomfortable. Everything we do is a choice. Deciding to do nothing is a choice!
3) Allow Yourself to Wallow in It — Have a Dirty Bathrobe Day
At the beginning of my ordeal I tried everything to fight back against the destruction seizing my life. I fought and flailed to keep my career moving. But at times the sheer weight, fear and hurt took me under. Then I would lie on the couch in my increasingly dirty bathrobe, binge-watch TV ALL DAY and drink too much beer at night. At first, I felt terribly guilty but as time went on I relaxed into these occasional escape days.A couple of months into my unasked for life-changing mess I told my counselor about my Dirty Bathrobe days and, to my great surprise, she said, “Well, given what you’re going through as long as it’s only a day or so and not three or four and every week, it’s probably pretty healthy!”
When facing extremely challenging, life-changing phases in our lives we need to be gentle with ourselves and make some room every now and then to lay down the burden and take a break from the battle.
4) But Don’t Wallow Long — Get Your Butt Off the Couch!
The reason I was able to begin to relax into the Dirty Bathrobe Days was that I never stayed for very long. After one or two days of god only knows how many episodes of Game of Thrones, Heartland, Orange is the Next Black and countless Lifetime movies I would always pull myself up, reengage, get back to taking better care of myself and start moving forward again. I got to where I could really enjoy a wallow day here and there because I knew I could trust myself even in the midst of awful circumstances to drag my butt up off that couch!It is critical to find your motivation, your catalyst, the thing you hook into to pull out of the despair. And this is NEVER something outside yourself even though it might look like it.
For me, this came in the form of my beloved dog, who after two days of laying next to my prone, zoned body would become restless and I knew she needed exercise. Or the cat pestered me for food. Or my fiancé really needed to talk. Sometimes it was that I just didn’t want to treat myself unhealthfully for one more moment. It was love that got me off the couch. Love for the dog, the cat, John and even for myself.
So go ahead and give yourself a break, wallow a bit, but for god’s sake don’t lie around until you get bedsores or can’t find a Lifetime movie you haven’t seen!
5) Get Professional Help
If you can’t pull out of your version of the Dirty Bathrobe Day get professional help immediately. And, even if you can, get help! I am a big believer. The old stigma has it all wrong. It’s not the really fucked up, crazy people who go to mental health therapists; it’s the people who are sane enough and brave enough to realize they are in deep.When my recent ordeal exploded it triggered so much pain from past traumas that I found myself literally flinching from old memories. I knew I was going to need professional help to cope with the attacks and my own frantic, stabbing feelings. I began working with a therapist, who luckily, was trained in Eye Movement Deprogramming and Reprocessing (EMDR). This turned out to be life-transforming. I am now absolutely certain that had I not leaned into therapy so early in the crisis I would have had a much harder time surviving it, let alone thriving on the other side.
Professional counseling can be especially valuable if your need for reinvention involves shame. Growing scientific evidence suggests that shame is one the most painful and destructive emotions. Guilt is believing that you have done something bad; shame is believing that you are bad. Shame means feeling worthless, rejected, cast out.
The professional counselling and deep dive inner work not only helped me survive the onslaught, but it actually empowered me to reach a place where I feel more enough than I ever have in my entire life. This feeling is SO WORTH the vulnerability of baring your soul to a trained stranger!
6) Remember You Still Are Even if You Don’t Still Have
In what seemed like a blink of an eye I lost my title, all my current clients, every single one of my active work projects, the home I had lived in for four years and, at least in some circles, my reputation. The sense of loss was devastating and, because I had always based so much of my self-worth on my work and doings, I felt utterly cast adrift and valueless.The main thing that helped me weather the loss was realizing that even through I may not HAVE those things anymore, I still WAS everything I had been before my fall from grace. Every talent, every skill, every bit of professional and personal experience was still in me.
The same is true of everyone. You can lose things, positions, jobs, titles, homes, lovers. But no matter the loss you still are what you are and all your talents and experiences are right there ready to help you open up the next phase of your reinvented life.
7) Imagine that Maybe You Are So Much More Than You Thought — STRETCH!
Because of the circumstances that led to the unasked for pause in my career my usual work channels were closed to me for over a year. This was so horribly painful. Who was I if I wasn’t a consultant, an advocate, if I wasn’t working on the issues I’d dedicated my life to?At first I was resentful and terrified and my ego stung. I felt like I’d been demoted in life in general! I really had to scramble just to pay the bills. But I moved forward, took some risks, STRETCHED! I got a paid gig as a writer. I took on some research work. I started teaching personal development courses. I also started volunteering for causes I loved but had been too busy for. And, guess what? I LOVED it!
I realized that by fighting so hard to hold onto my old familiar view of myself I was actually limiting my full identity. Not only was I everything I had been before but I was also a professional writer, a wildlife healer and a great dog-fence builder! By clinging to the old image of myself, I was masking my bigger, fuller, more creative bad ass Self with a capital S!
You can either believe you’ve been lessened by the loss of the old, familiar way of things, or you can find fabulous aspects of a fuller, richer, more multi-faceted YOU.
8) Kiss People Off and Make New Friends
Sometimes one of the hardest things about self-reinvention is the need to cut loose the people around us. There is a reason the old cliché about learning who your true friends are has been around for so long. It really is in our darkest hours we learn who is truly there for us and who isn’t. I was staggered with the pain of abandonment by so many I considered friends and the terrible sense of isolation.To reinvent strong you have to shed the people who undermine you. Don’t chase after the ones who flee. You can never lose a true friend and abandoners aren’t worth your effort.
And don’t spend time with those who tear down your dreams or judge you unworthy. It is easy enough to fall into the trap of doing that ourselves — we don’t need reinforcements!
Instead be very intentional, spending time with people who are positive, moving forward and genuinely want good for you. Sometimes these are the old, dear friends that stick. Other times they’re new friends that appear at just the right moment — don’t overlook or undervalue either of these precious gifts. And do not, for one more second, spend your precious time and energy on people who don’t believe in you and want you to be your very best!
And remember, cutting someone loose today doesn’t mean they’re out of your life forever — sometimes it just needs a big break. I “divorced” my biological family for years and now we are coming back together more healthfully and lovingly than I ever would have believed.
9) Keep Giving
When I finally let it sink in that it would be months before I could resume my career my self-value plummeted. Some part of me knew that I needed to find a way to feel like I was making a positive contribution. That’s when I started volunteering for causes I cared about. I joined a volunteer organization that builds fences for dogs who were living their lives on the end of a chain.It was incredibly good for me. Watching a dog run and play freely for the first time in their lives in a fence that I had helped build I knew I’d done something valuable that day. Their canine joy and forgiving natures were infectious. And, being part of the community of fellow volunteers helped overcome my sense of isolation.
Giving to someone else is one of the very best ways to feel valuable and abundant because it proves you have enough to spare, you have something of value.
10) Develop/ Deepen a Spiritual Practice (I don’t mean religion!)
I am beyond grateful that I already had an established practice of meditation, journaling and spiritual connection before my big mess slammed into my life. However, what I was going through was so intense I knew I needed more. For a while every book I read was on the subject of spiritual growth in difficult times. Feeling a bit like the Prodigal Daughter I reconnected with the Unity church I hadn’t attended in ten years! I started working with a Course in Miracles. Not only have these steps helped me cope with the trauma, they’ve opened whole new vistas, opportunities and friendships.Whatever spiritual path you choose be sure to include gratitude. It is essential not to let the challenges blind you to goodness and abundance you already have. We attract what we focus on. What we appreciate appreciates! And there is nothing better for keeping a hopeful positive outlook than practicing gratitude.
Connecting to our spiritual aspects is essential to shaping a strong self-reinvention. These times of turmoil can break us down but they also hold the promise of breaking us open into deeper, richer more beautiful lives. Getting in touch with spirit, with our true inner selves is key to seizing that awesome gift.
To Wrap Up: Make no mistake, successful self-reinvention isn’t for wimps! But it is absolutely essential to living your fullest life. Here’s to empowering your inner Phoenix Rising and becoming the next awesome version of YOU!
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cylvia-hayes/ten-rules-to-reinventing-_b_11763942.html
Wednesday, 30 September 2020
5 Ways Criticism and Rejection Builds Your Capacity to Succeed
No matter who you are, when you have a dream and are committed to achieving it you will face critics and experience many rejections. You will face people who have the outright desire to take you from your path. Many people, who may be in power, will use their position to push down ideas that are not in line with their own, or ideas they do not understand or value. Just as deterimental are the “caring concerned” who, in trying to protect you from your unrealistic dreams, keep you from them.
The greatest obstacle to success is your fear and belief in what a critic says. Instead of running or quitting, make the emotionally strong choice to move forward, in spite of perceived setbacks, understanding that sometimes it is only your opinion that matters. In that way, you will receive five powerful gifts from the people and situations that don't wish you well, at all.
Pursuing a dream is emotional strength training. The more motivated you are to make a difference and change the world, the more you rise in your success. The more you want to create and lead, the more rejection and criticism will show up on your path in an effort to derail you.
This is an opportunity to develop the skills, strategies and resolve to continue forward. In this way, your naysayers become your greatest motivators. They fuel your desire to show them just how wrong they are about who you are and where you are going.
When in doubt, remind yourself that naysayers belittle others in an effort to stop feeling so little themselves.
Negative people lurk around every corner. The reality is that things aren’t going to be fair on your way to the top. Accept that. Because you will interact with a fair number of these people, you have the opportunity to develop unbeatable self-control.
Critics love to get under your skin and push you off balance. It gives them a sense of power. Therefore, use these people and experiences as exposure therapy until, eventually, rejection and criticism has little to no power over you. By weathering exposure to the negativity of others you develop control of your emotional reactions to their efforts to set you back.
Each rejection leads you closer to that “yes” you are seeking. Each “no” feels like another step back but is really bringing you one step closer to realization of your dream.
Refocused energy is the most creative energy. You have the opportunity to refine, repurpose and perfect what is already in place. Rejection, if you allow it, can fuel your deep desire to succeed. To be successful you must compete, compete, compete.
Each time you take a risk you become emotionally stronger. Each loss provides the information your pursuit needs to determine what new direction to take. Risk takes courage and courage can only be developed by doing courageous things. Giving up takes zero effort, getting up takes resilience.
Most of the happiness derived from success is not monetary but the confidence you build along the way as you risk, fall, try again, risk and then succeed.
There will be all kinds of people who want to shrink your ideas or steal them. Others will want to use you for your idea or simply tell you your idea is worth nothing. Pay attention to who you listen to. Be smart about who you choose to pitch your ideas to. Pay attention to your gut instincts. Protect your ideas and only share them with those whom you respect. Do your research and work with like-minded innovators.
With deep belief you can remain hard working and quiet because your success will do the talking.
There is nothing unrealistic about a dream that is in complete alignment with your purpose. If what you are doing ignites your passion, inspires you to plan and persevere, then you will, without a doubt, achieve what you have set out to achieve. Any person with a deep conviction and commitment to success will succeed. Therefore, the only opinion about your dream that really counts is yours. The negative commentary of others merely reflects their limitations, not yours.
Success is built upon your own determination, not managed by anyone else’s opinion. This is why success is never a straight shot to the top. None of us would be nearly as successful as we are without the gifts of the naysayers, the tough rejections or the harsh criticisms. It all depends upon what you choose do with it. To be a standout success you must learn to control your emotional reactions and turn all of the criticisms and rejections to serve as your greatest advantage. Most importantly, see the value in it all and be thankful all along the way.
Success, at the end of the day, is your greatest revenge. Be sure you are the last one standing.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247634
The greatest obstacle to success is your fear and belief in what a critic says. Instead of running or quitting, make the emotionally strong choice to move forward, in spite of perceived setbacks, understanding that sometimes it is only your opinion that matters. In that way, you will receive five powerful gifts from the people and situations that don't wish you well, at all.
1. Emotional strength.
The pursuit of success nearly guarantees the more you seek to fulfill your purpose, the more obstacles you will face. As you come across naysayers you must learn to not integrate their fears into your own belief system and decision making.Pursuing a dream is emotional strength training. The more motivated you are to make a difference and change the world, the more you rise in your success. The more you want to create and lead, the more rejection and criticism will show up on your path in an effort to derail you.
This is an opportunity to develop the skills, strategies and resolve to continue forward. In this way, your naysayers become your greatest motivators. They fuel your desire to show them just how wrong they are about who you are and where you are going.
When in doubt, remind yourself that naysayers belittle others in an effort to stop feeling so little themselves.
2. Self-control.
Receiving criticism and rejection is common when your pursuit is doing important things in the world. Force yourself to become conscious of the rude, ill-informed and unkind people who emerge to tarnish your shine. With an awareness of them you gain more control over your emotional reactions to them.Negative people lurk around every corner. The reality is that things aren’t going to be fair on your way to the top. Accept that. Because you will interact with a fair number of these people, you have the opportunity to develop unbeatable self-control.
Critics love to get under your skin and push you off balance. It gives them a sense of power. Therefore, use these people and experiences as exposure therapy until, eventually, rejection and criticism has little to no power over you. By weathering exposure to the negativity of others you develop control of your emotional reactions to their efforts to set you back.
2. Refocus.
Learn to say “next” to every “no.” Rejection it is not the end of the world, nor does your idea merit being discarding. Look for gifts in the feedback that comes with rejection. Accept what can be successfully applied to refine and make your idea better. Then, move on.Each rejection leads you closer to that “yes” you are seeking. Each “no” feels like another step back but is really bringing you one step closer to realization of your dream.
Refocused energy is the most creative energy. You have the opportunity to refine, repurpose and perfect what is already in place. Rejection, if you allow it, can fuel your deep desire to succeed. To be successful you must compete, compete, compete.
3. Fearlessness.
Success is all about risk. Each time you put yourself and your idea out into the world you risk rejection and criticism, so do not be shocked or dismayed when it happens. Success is about getting knocked down, learning resilience, getting back up and risking again.Each time you take a risk you become emotionally stronger. Each loss provides the information your pursuit needs to determine what new direction to take. Risk takes courage and courage can only be developed by doing courageous things. Giving up takes zero effort, getting up takes resilience.
Most of the happiness derived from success is not monetary but the confidence you build along the way as you risk, fall, try again, risk and then succeed.
4. Unwavering belief in your purpose.
When you believe deeply in what you are doing, what you are creating and what your ideas stand for, you develop the resilience to withstand all rejection and criticism. There is nothing more profoundly necessary for true success then a deep and unwavering belief in your purpose.There will be all kinds of people who want to shrink your ideas or steal them. Others will want to use you for your idea or simply tell you your idea is worth nothing. Pay attention to who you listen to. Be smart about who you choose to pitch your ideas to. Pay attention to your gut instincts. Protect your ideas and only share them with those whom you respect. Do your research and work with like-minded innovators.
With deep belief you can remain hard working and quiet because your success will do the talking.
5. Unflinching in the face of challenges.
What kind of true success can really come without real effort, real labor, real heartache and real sweat? Success does not come to the weak. No journey is devoid of self-doubt or setbacks. Success is a matter of standing up to your challenge. It is a matter of commitment and not giving up. It is about getting up and suiting up, even when things look bleak. It is having the complete resolve to pursue your higher purpose.There is nothing unrealistic about a dream that is in complete alignment with your purpose. If what you are doing ignites your passion, inspires you to plan and persevere, then you will, without a doubt, achieve what you have set out to achieve. Any person with a deep conviction and commitment to success will succeed. Therefore, the only opinion about your dream that really counts is yours. The negative commentary of others merely reflects their limitations, not yours.
Success is built upon your own determination, not managed by anyone else’s opinion. This is why success is never a straight shot to the top. None of us would be nearly as successful as we are without the gifts of the naysayers, the tough rejections or the harsh criticisms. It all depends upon what you choose do with it. To be a standout success you must learn to control your emotional reactions and turn all of the criticisms and rejections to serve as your greatest advantage. Most importantly, see the value in it all and be thankful all along the way.
Success, at the end of the day, is your greatest revenge. Be sure you are the last one standing.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247634
Friday, 18 September 2020
When Parents Divorce
"Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce."
To children, those fateful words can mean a range of things, depending on their age. A baby or toddler won't understand them at all but may pick up on your somber tone and be confused or frightened by it; an older child may worry that she'll wind up like a friend at school who sees her dad only rarely, or that she'll have to move to a smaller house and share a bedroom with her little sister.
While it's just about impossible to put a positive spin on such a negative event, there's a lot parents can do to ease the difficult transition from intact family to divided one. Target your initial broaching of the topic to your child's age (if you have kids of widely differing ages, you might consider talking to each of them separately). And then be prepared to have your child come back with more questions as the years pass and she comes to understand the situation more fully. Some guidelines for talking to kids of various ages when a marriage splits apart.
It's least disruptive to keep an infant at home and have the noncustodial parent visit frequently for short periods—an hour a day, for example, or two hours three times a week. "For the first three months of my son's life, I had his dad come to my house whenever he wanted to see the baby," says a mom in Chagrin Falls, OH, who split from her child's father before giving birth. If the baby must move back and forth between households, try to maintain the same naptime, feeding schedule and bedtime rituals in each place. While you needn't re-create the nursery down to the Pooh Bear nightlight, purchasing two sets of identical sheets or bumpers can make an infant feel more at ease. Always make sure any favorite blankie or stuffed animal travels from house to house.
An infant can sense if you're depressed or angry and may also interpret hostility, sadness or withdrawal as a reflection of your feelings for him. This can erode his sense of security and confidence, so it's crucial to deal with your own personal demons. "See a counselor, a rabbi, a minister; join a divorce support group; lean on your friends," advises Neuman. Be extra demonstrative with your baby, both physically and emotionally—you can't hug him too many times a day.
Then be prepared for some fallout: Babies whose parents are going through a divorce may cry more often and sleep less soundly than those living in intact households. This is a natural reaction to stress and should subside within a couple of months, after they've adjusted to the new routine. They may also experience more severe separation anxiety (which typically crops up at 8 or 9 months). "When something is taken away from you, in this case a parent, it's natural to want to hold on tight to what you have left," says Arnold Stolberg, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, in Richmond. Until his anxiety eases, every time you leave your child with his other parent, be sure to reassure him that you're coming back. While he may not understand the words, he'll pick up on your soothing tone. The good news about splitting up while your child is a baby is that, all other things being equal, he may ultimately suffer fewer adverse effects from a divorce than an older child, since he won't remember his parents ever having been together.
Just because toddlers can't always verbalize their emotions doesn't mean they aren't feeling them. They may become sad and withdrawn or act out their anxiety by hitting or biting. If you sense your child's upset, try to give voice to her feelings: "You look sad. I wonder if it's been tough for you not to see Daddy all the time" or "How do you feel about moving to a new house? That can be difficult."
If aggression becomes a problem, explain that it's okay to be upset that Mommy or Daddy has moved out but that it's not okay to hit. Then try to redirect the anger by encouraging your child to say "I'm mad" or to scribble an "angry" picture or pound a play hammer.
As with infants, it's wise to allow your child to have frequent visits with the noncustodial parent. Every day for an hour and a half is ideal, but two or three visits a week may be more practical. Again, young kids may have a difficult time warming up to the noncustodial parent if they're out of touch for more than a few days. If your toddler balks at going to your former spouse's house, talk about the fun she'll have there.
Preschoolers often worry that the custodial parent will move away too, leaving them to fend for themselves. They may try to act like superkids—eating all their vegetables, putting their toys away, going to bed cheerfully—figuring that you'll be more likely to stick around if they don't make waves. When Susan Rapaport and her husband split up four years ago, her son, Joseph, who was 5 at the time, would get excessively upset whenever anyone reprimanded him. "So anytime I had to call him on something, I made sure to add, 'I want you with me always, and I'm never going to leave you,'" says the Chevy Chase, MD, mother of three.
Similarly, preschoolers may become overly fearful when you go to work or even run a quick errand, assuming that you're gone for good. Before leaving, be as specific as possible about when you're coming back: "I'll be home in time to feed you dinner" is more reassuring than "I'll see you later."
Kids this age may also react to a divorce by regressing. Because their coping skills aren't well developed, they may use baby talk, demand a pacifier or need to cuddle a beloved blankie in order to comfort themselves during stressful times. If this occurs, help your child put words to the situation and be sure to shower him with extra love and attention. Let him know that his feelings matter and that he can depend on you to be there for him, says Neuman. Once things settle down and he adjusts to the divorce, his babyish behavior should disappear within two or three months.
Like younger kids, school-age children may blame themselves for the split (although they may not admit it), but for a different reason. "It's less threatening for them to think that they somehow caused the divorce than to think that they have no control over bad things that happen," says Stolberg. So be sure to reiterate—as often as necessary—that Mom or Dad didn't leave because of anything they said or did.
Because older children have mastered the concept of time, it's easier to explain to them how the divorce will affect their routine. One approach: Buy a calendar and draw a blue star on the days they'll be with Dad and a yellow one on the days they'll stay with Mom. "If children know in advance where they will be sleeping, they feel more in control," says Stolberg.
Older kids hate to stand out from the crowd, so they may worry that the divorce makes them different. To help them feel less isolated, point out other people—from rock stars to neighbors—who are divorced or whose parents have split. Then ask if there are specific issues that are bothering them—and do your best to remedy the situation.
Instead of expressing their anxiety at home, some grade-schoolers act out at school—fighting with friends, disrupting the classroom. Or they internalize their distress and suddenly develop chronic headaches or stomachaches. Let your child's teachers, babysitters and coaches know what's going on in her life, and keep in close contact with them to monitor how she's coping.
If you notice that your child is having a tough time, try to get her to open up. Ann Croll of Rye, NY, whose daughter was 6 when she and her husband separated, broaches touchy topics when she and her daughter are on short rides in the car. "She knows, say, that after the next turn we have only half a block to go before we get to school, and she can stop thinking about it."
No matter how old your children are, it's crucial to avoid trashing your ex in front of them. A child sees herself as an extension of her parents. So if you criticize a child's dad, in her eyes you're criticizing her too, says Stolberg. Denigrating your former spouse also makes it impossible for your child to love him without feeling as if she's betraying you. It's emotionally vital for kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents—whether or not they live under the same roof.
Divorce can deeply trouble kids, triggering a range of reactions from anger and depression to behavioral problems at school. But what's the long-range prognosis? Are they doomed to carry lifelong emotional baggage? Not necessarily, according to the recent book For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,by E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., and John Kelly. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, some for as long as 24 years (roughly half of whom were divorced). Within six years, 75 to 80 percent of kids whose parents had split were as happy and well adjusted as those from intact families. "The other twenty percent developed some kind of psychological, emotional or academic problem, compared to ten percent of the nondivorced group," she says.
Many experts consider Hetherington's work to be more scientifically valid because she included a control group from the start (Wallerstein added hers later), had a larger sample size and conducted objective personality assessments. "Dr. Wallerstein's study is very insightful and useful in learning what happens after difficult divorces," says Andrew Cherlin, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. "But the families she interviewed were more dysfunctional than the average divorcing family." On the other hand, says Norval Glenn, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Texas in Austin, Wallerstein's in-depth interviews may have uncovered pain and anguish that Hetherington's standardized tests wouldn't have detected.
Source: http://www.parenting.com/article/when-parents-divorce
To children, those fateful words can mean a range of things, depending on their age. A baby or toddler won't understand them at all but may pick up on your somber tone and be confused or frightened by it; an older child may worry that she'll wind up like a friend at school who sees her dad only rarely, or that she'll have to move to a smaller house and share a bedroom with her little sister.
While it's just about impossible to put a positive spin on such a negative event, there's a lot parents can do to ease the difficult transition from intact family to divided one. Target your initial broaching of the topic to your child's age (if you have kids of widely differing ages, you might consider talking to each of them separately). And then be prepared to have your child come back with more questions as the years pass and she comes to understand the situation more fully. Some guidelines for talking to kids of various ages when a marriage splits apart.
Babies
While you may think that infants are too young to be affected by divorce, they're surprisingly intuitive. Even a 6-week-old can sense that his routine has been altered —he no longer sees both parents daily, he's suddenly eating at a different time or sleeping in a new room. Schedule changes can be particularly anxiety-provoking for babies. "They need structure and continuity to feel safe and to trust that all is right with the world," says M. Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way.It's least disruptive to keep an infant at home and have the noncustodial parent visit frequently for short periods—an hour a day, for example, or two hours three times a week. "For the first three months of my son's life, I had his dad come to my house whenever he wanted to see the baby," says a mom in Chagrin Falls, OH, who split from her child's father before giving birth. If the baby must move back and forth between households, try to maintain the same naptime, feeding schedule and bedtime rituals in each place. While you needn't re-create the nursery down to the Pooh Bear nightlight, purchasing two sets of identical sheets or bumpers can make an infant feel more at ease. Always make sure any favorite blankie or stuffed animal travels from house to house.
An infant can sense if you're depressed or angry and may also interpret hostility, sadness or withdrawal as a reflection of your feelings for him. This can erode his sense of security and confidence, so it's crucial to deal with your own personal demons. "See a counselor, a rabbi, a minister; join a divorce support group; lean on your friends," advises Neuman. Be extra demonstrative with your baby, both physically and emotionally—you can't hug him too many times a day.
Then be prepared for some fallout: Babies whose parents are going through a divorce may cry more often and sleep less soundly than those living in intact households. This is a natural reaction to stress and should subside within a couple of months, after they've adjusted to the new routine. They may also experience more severe separation anxiety (which typically crops up at 8 or 9 months). "When something is taken away from you, in this case a parent, it's natural to want to hold on tight to what you have left," says Arnold Stolberg, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, in Richmond. Until his anxiety eases, every time you leave your child with his other parent, be sure to reassure him that you're coming back. While he may not understand the words, he'll pick up on your soothing tone. The good news about splitting up while your child is a baby is that, all other things being equal, he may ultimately suffer fewer adverse effects from a divorce than an older child, since he won't remember his parents ever having been together.
Toddlers
A toddler isn't old enough to understand abstract concepts like "marriage" and "divorce," so you'll need to keep things concrete when broaching the subject. A simple statement, such as "Mommy and Daddy make each other sad and are going to live in different places, but you make us very happy" will do. At this age, a child's main concern is how the breakup will affect her routine, so explain the situation as specifically as possible. "Mommy will live here in this house, and Daddy will live at Grandpa's house" is easier for a toddler to grasp than "Daddy is moving to Arizona." And don't forget to reassure your child that no matter where everyone lives, you and your former spouse will still be her mommy and daddy and will love her as much as always. "When my husband and I divorced, he moved to Oregon for a year. I wanted him to have a close relationship with our daughter, who was eighteen months at the time, so I made sure to talk about him frequently and to tell her how much he loves her," says one Chicago mom.Just because toddlers can't always verbalize their emotions doesn't mean they aren't feeling them. They may become sad and withdrawn or act out their anxiety by hitting or biting. If you sense your child's upset, try to give voice to her feelings: "You look sad. I wonder if it's been tough for you not to see Daddy all the time" or "How do you feel about moving to a new house? That can be difficult."
If aggression becomes a problem, explain that it's okay to be upset that Mommy or Daddy has moved out but that it's not okay to hit. Then try to redirect the anger by encouraging your child to say "I'm mad" or to scribble an "angry" picture or pound a play hammer.
As with infants, it's wise to allow your child to have frequent visits with the noncustodial parent. Every day for an hour and a half is ideal, but two or three visits a week may be more practical. Again, young kids may have a difficult time warming up to the noncustodial parent if they're out of touch for more than a few days. If your toddler balks at going to your former spouse's house, talk about the fun she'll have there.
Preschoolers
Between the ages of 3 and 5, kids are magical thinkers. Their feelings and actions are so powerful, they may fear that Mommy or Daddy left because of something they said or did. "One four-year-old girl I counseled was certain that her parents wouldn't have divorced if she and her brothers hadn't argued so much," says Neuman. This kind of guilt not only prompts kids to feel bad about themselves, but it may also make them anxious about the future, he says. "If they can cause their family to break up, what other horrible things might they do?" Reassure your child that the divorce wasn't his fault, that it happened simply because Mommy and Daddy are too sad together.Preschoolers often worry that the custodial parent will move away too, leaving them to fend for themselves. They may try to act like superkids—eating all their vegetables, putting their toys away, going to bed cheerfully—figuring that you'll be more likely to stick around if they don't make waves. When Susan Rapaport and her husband split up four years ago, her son, Joseph, who was 5 at the time, would get excessively upset whenever anyone reprimanded him. "So anytime I had to call him on something, I made sure to add, 'I want you with me always, and I'm never going to leave you,'" says the Chevy Chase, MD, mother of three.
Similarly, preschoolers may become overly fearful when you go to work or even run a quick errand, assuming that you're gone for good. Before leaving, be as specific as possible about when you're coming back: "I'll be home in time to feed you dinner" is more reassuring than "I'll see you later."
Kids this age may also react to a divorce by regressing. Because their coping skills aren't well developed, they may use baby talk, demand a pacifier or need to cuddle a beloved blankie in order to comfort themselves during stressful times. If this occurs, help your child put words to the situation and be sure to shower him with extra love and attention. Let him know that his feelings matter and that he can depend on you to be there for him, says Neuman. Once things settle down and he adjusts to the divorce, his babyish behavior should disappear within two or three months.
Grade-Schoolers
Older kids are going to have many of the same concerns as younger ones. While you can use more sophisticated language with them, your general message about the breakup should be simple and straightforward: "Mom and Dad weren't happy together, but we love you all the same and always will."Like younger kids, school-age children may blame themselves for the split (although they may not admit it), but for a different reason. "It's less threatening for them to think that they somehow caused the divorce than to think that they have no control over bad things that happen," says Stolberg. So be sure to reiterate—as often as necessary—that Mom or Dad didn't leave because of anything they said or did.
Because older children have mastered the concept of time, it's easier to explain to them how the divorce will affect their routine. One approach: Buy a calendar and draw a blue star on the days they'll be with Dad and a yellow one on the days they'll stay with Mom. "If children know in advance where they will be sleeping, they feel more in control," says Stolberg.
Older kids hate to stand out from the crowd, so they may worry that the divorce makes them different. To help them feel less isolated, point out other people—from rock stars to neighbors—who are divorced or whose parents have split. Then ask if there are specific issues that are bothering them—and do your best to remedy the situation.
Instead of expressing their anxiety at home, some grade-schoolers act out at school—fighting with friends, disrupting the classroom. Or they internalize their distress and suddenly develop chronic headaches or stomachaches. Let your child's teachers, babysitters and coaches know what's going on in her life, and keep in close contact with them to monitor how she's coping.
If you notice that your child is having a tough time, try to get her to open up. Ann Croll of Rye, NY, whose daughter was 6 when she and her husband separated, broaches touchy topics when she and her daughter are on short rides in the car. "She knows, say, that after the next turn we have only half a block to go before we get to school, and she can stop thinking about it."
No matter how old your children are, it's crucial to avoid trashing your ex in front of them. A child sees herself as an extension of her parents. So if you criticize a child's dad, in her eyes you're criticizing her too, says Stolberg. Denigrating your former spouse also makes it impossible for your child to love him without feeling as if she's betraying you. It's emotionally vital for kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents—whether or not they live under the same roof.
Children of Divorce: Do they grow up happy?
Divorce can deeply trouble kids, triggering a range of reactions from anger and depression to behavioral problems at school. But what's the long-range prognosis? Are they doomed to carry lifelong emotional baggage? Not necessarily, according to the recent book For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,by E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., and John Kelly. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, some for as long as 24 years (roughly half of whom were divorced). Within six years, 75 to 80 percent of kids whose parents had split were as happy and well adjusted as those from intact families. "The other twenty percent developed some kind of psychological, emotional or academic problem, compared to ten percent of the nondivorced group," she says.
divorce's downside
A less optimistic picture was presented by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In interviews with 59 divorced families over 25 years, she found that almost all grew up with fears about being able to sustain a happy relationship. Eventually—often with therapy or the help of a supportive spouse—most were able to compensate. "But growing into adulthood was definitely much harder for them," she says.Many experts consider Hetherington's work to be more scientifically valid because she included a control group from the start (Wallerstein added hers later), had a larger sample size and conducted objective personality assessments. "Dr. Wallerstein's study is very insightful and useful in learning what happens after difficult divorces," says Andrew Cherlin, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. "But the families she interviewed were more dysfunctional than the average divorcing family." On the other hand, says Norval Glenn, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Texas in Austin, Wallerstein's in-depth interviews may have uncovered pain and anguish that Hetherington's standardized tests wouldn't have detected.
the bottom line
There's no doubt that children from broken homes are twice as likely to grow up and have marriages that end in divorce. But most experts agree that divorce itself isn't necessarily a negative sentence for children. Parents who remain loving (but firm) and consistent throughout their divorce will dramatically increase their odds of raising happy, well-adjusted kids.Source: http://www.parenting.com/article/when-parents-divorce
Wednesday, 16 September 2020
Can I Divorce a Spouse Who Has a Mental Illness?
The quick answer is that legally you can, of course, end a marriage when a spouse is mentally ill. But the real question is if you can give yourself permission ethically and morally to do so.
This question raises several issues. The most important one may be the definition of mental illness. It is very normal for divorce to elicit strong feelings, often negative ones—and for these feelings to change from sadness to anger, guilt, or shame. It is often typical for divorcing partners to label each other as “bi-polar” as they observe these mercurial feelings. And while rapidly shifting feelings may be one of the symptoms of bi-polar disorder, an accurate diagnosis includes several other important symptoms and can only be made by a mental health professional.
The same is true for the broad category of personality disorders—it is tempting to label a spouse as a “narcissist” if, as is typical during a divorce, they engage in self-centered thinking or behaving. Similarly with borderline personality disorder, characterized by unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, which is also common during the divorce process. But a true personality disorder involves an enduring pattern of behavior, not provoked by a traumatic event such as divorce. So be careful with mental illness labels and try to leave the diagnosis to the professionals.
But what about situations where there is a real diagnosis of mental illness, whether it be depression, psychoses, or even schizophrenia? These are usually very serious conditions, which greatly affect a person’s ability to function in a relationship or in their job. Living with such a spouse can be very difficult, demanding, and unsatisfying.
Seeking Treatment
One of the most important factors is the spouse’s commitment to start and follow through with appropriate treatment, which often involves medication. Sometimes patients resist this—particularly with bi-polar disorder. They may balk at medication, which moderates their “highs” (manic states which may be pleasurable) as well as the “lows” (depressive states). Without medication, the bi-polar condition will probably not improve and may get worse over time, and the same may be true for depression. Psychotropic drugs can greatly improve these conditions, and even very serious disorders such as schizophrenia may improve dramatically with appropriate medication (which can also have negative side effects such as weight gain).Another promising treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy, where negative thinking is addressed and modified and can lead to significant positive behavioral changes. So, if your spouse is willing to help him or herself with appropriate treatment, they and your relationship may improve to the point that you want to stay in the marriage
.
Learning to Cope
Another option is to consider joint therapy, where both of you participate in learning about and how to handle issues that mental illness presents in the marriage and how to improve the relationship for both of you. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is a nationwide group offering education and support for individuals and families dealing with mental illness, and can be a great benefit as well.So, of course, the decision is yours whether or not to continue in a relationship with a partner who has mental illness. But I think if you are supportive of your partner as they seek treatment, and educate yourself about their prognosis, you will make a decision that you can accept without suffering needless guilt or personal recrimination.
Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/can-i-divorce-a-spouse-who-has-a-mental-illness
Friday, 11 September 2020
Staying Focussed and Dealing with Overwhelm
In this video I share my thoughts on how to deal with overwhelm and how to maintain focus when working through divorce (and in life!)
Thanks and I welcome your feedback and comments here or in YouTube!
Monday, 7 September 2020
Do You Have an Impossible Ex?
Has your ex turned your divorce into a minefield?
Recently, I wrote an article about the Malignant Divorce. These are cases that spin out of control in dark and often dangerous ways. Over the next few months I'll continue this conversation, because even when a divorce is not particularly toxic, there are still moments in most divorces when you still have to protect yourself. And if you are in the midst of a Malignant Divorce, forewarned is forearmed. This post offers a direct follow up to the first tip that was referenced in the article. In simple words: if you're trapped in a malignant situation, you must come to terms with the kind of person your ex spouse has become. And if you don't, you're in trouble.
The Intelligent Divorce book series promotes a rational approach to dissolving a family even though feelings are charged. We are not looking for perfect behavior here. Parents under the stress of money worries, legal concerns, stories of betrayal, and uncertainty about the future are going to make mistakes—even big mistakes. But there is so much at stake for their children, that it is worth stepping back and trying to divorce in as intelligent a way as possible. I am not arguing for the easy divorce, just a more intelligent one.
For the record (and, if it's not obvious), intelligent does not mean stupid. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to hang tough, not be particularly friendly and set good limits. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to recognize that you are dealing with a spouse who is out to hurt you or your children. And, there are cases when all your communication must be done through attorneys because a moment on the phone or in person is just too loaded. A Malignant Divorce is instigated when one party simply wants to win at all costs. In these cases, intelligence is using all of your wits just to survive.
Here is the first point (of seven) that I made in the original overview of The Malignant Divorce.
You are dealing with an ex-spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy.
When getting a divorce you must be aware of whom you are dealing with. This may not be as easy as it appears; after all you were living with him for a number of years and may perceive his behavior as normal—or at least tolerable, when it is anything but.
More fundamentally, your ex-husband or ex-wife may not be quite the same person he or she was during the marriage. It is called regression, and it is not a good thing.
The stress of divorce, which includes the instinct of self preservation, can make your ex (or you, for that matter) function at a more primitive and therefore, less healthy manner.The Intelligent Divorce; Taking Care of Yourself outlines ten common Character Traps that people fall into when regressed. For those professionals reading this piece, I use the concept of a Character Trap, instead of the more diagnostic term, Personality Disorder, because these primitive, and sometimes, dangerous regressions are often time limited to the years surrounding the divorce. Unlike Personality Disorders which have a strong degree of permanence, Character Traps describes a phenomena of stress induced dysfunction that is often less obvious beforehand or years later.
Character Traps are a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a Character Trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an unambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person.
If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making.
You will give him the benefit of the doubt (which in normal cases builds trust) and he exploits it. She says something bad about you to the kids, and you let it pass (which in normal cases may just be an isolated incident) and she sees herself as vindicated by your silence. That is why it is so important to wake up and realize with whom you may be dealing.
Regressed people often "know" that they are right, and therefore have a powerful moral authority to do as they please. This is a dangerous recipe for abuse that can range from financial manipulation, to parental alienation (from mild to severe), to kidnapping or even, rarely—murder.
Today, we'll go over the Character Traps (your ex can have more than one) that can set off a Malignant Divorce:
The Victim: This Character Trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She believes that she lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you've done (This Character Trap only applies when it is a distortion of the truth—note that it can be adaptive if an ex-spouse is truly dangerous). Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic. I have seen terrible things done in the name of victimhood. If you are dealing with any Character Trap therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story.
The Control Freak: He was probably always controlling during your marriage, and because of regression, he has become far worse. In these cases, the control freak is really very anxious, but manages it by planning everything so that he cannot lose. He may set you up and then document your "incompetence", bringing copious notes to court to prove how capable he is and how irresponsible you are (for an example, turn to Alfred Hitchcock's Gaslight). The control freak can easily hide your mutual monies, because many are good businessmen who have control of the accounts. The control freak is unambivelent in his wish to win, and the more capable they are, the more work you will have in protecting yourself. Since you were married to him for a number of years, you may also be intimidated by the power of his relentless assault to your very legitimacy. Once again, therapy is mandatory.
The Narcissist: This Character Trap carries the same name as the personality disorder. The narcissist is completely self-centered and self-serving. In this case, your husband probably had some narcissistic tendencies before the divorce. Some warning signs include: a need for admiration, a need to be right, a need to be seen by the community as a great guy, and a need to criticize you privately for not meeting his standards. In addition, he's probably a charismatic and successful guy (maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place) who casually uses his charisma to get what he wants—often at the expense of other people. Now, your ex has regressed into a more severe form of narcissism. With the divorce, he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community. And, need I say it? An excellent therapist can help.
The Avenger: This character trap is very dangerous and can be a natural extension of the victim, the control freak or the narcissist—if taken to an extreme. The avenger doesn't just want to win, she wants you to lose. She will not be satisfied until you are hurting. Many roads lead to Rome and many paths lead to the avenger. Melanie Klein, the great British psychoanalyst wrote about this psychology when she talked about envy, which she defined as "the pleasure one gets in destroying the good that another person has." There is a sense of urgency with an avenger. In a divorce, most people have a moment when they may consider some kind of revenge. It is normal to want to hurt a person that hurt you. But the vast majority of people see that there are two sides to most stories, and furthermore they just want to move on with their lives, if for no other reason than to give their children a brighter future. The avenger sees revenge as an end in itself. In my experience, when the avenger is combined with the victim Character Trap, such people can lose touch with reality. She will stop at nothing to make sure that you cannot be happy. At its worse, the kids literally become pawns in an evil game. In recent years, the politically charged label of parental alienation has been buttressed by research supporting that this insidious dynamic is probably a real phenomenon. Parental alienation is an attempt to deprive you of your children through a form of brainwashing. And what about kidnapping or murder? The avenger may really think, "If I can't have them, he sure won't." Or, "If I don't keep them from him, no one will." If you think that you are dealing with an ex-spouse who has these tendencies, then you will need a good attorney, a great therapist, and a familiarly with how to constructively use the police and the legal system.
Forewarned is forearmed; and that is the intelligent approach to a Malignant Divorce. Years from now, your ex may be surprisingly easy to deal with. Time sometimes heals, as long as not too much damage has been done along the way.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201111/do-you-have-impossible-ex
Recently, I wrote an article about the Malignant Divorce. These are cases that spin out of control in dark and often dangerous ways. Over the next few months I'll continue this conversation, because even when a divorce is not particularly toxic, there are still moments in most divorces when you still have to protect yourself. And if you are in the midst of a Malignant Divorce, forewarned is forearmed. This post offers a direct follow up to the first tip that was referenced in the article. In simple words: if you're trapped in a malignant situation, you must come to terms with the kind of person your ex spouse has become. And if you don't, you're in trouble.
The Intelligent Divorce book series promotes a rational approach to dissolving a family even though feelings are charged. We are not looking for perfect behavior here. Parents under the stress of money worries, legal concerns, stories of betrayal, and uncertainty about the future are going to make mistakes—even big mistakes. But there is so much at stake for their children, that it is worth stepping back and trying to divorce in as intelligent a way as possible. I am not arguing for the easy divorce, just a more intelligent one.
For the record (and, if it's not obvious), intelligent does not mean stupid. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to hang tough, not be particularly friendly and set good limits. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to recognize that you are dealing with a spouse who is out to hurt you or your children. And, there are cases when all your communication must be done through attorneys because a moment on the phone or in person is just too loaded. A Malignant Divorce is instigated when one party simply wants to win at all costs. In these cases, intelligence is using all of your wits just to survive.
Here is the first point (of seven) that I made in the original overview of The Malignant Divorce.
You are dealing with an ex-spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy.
When getting a divorce you must be aware of whom you are dealing with. This may not be as easy as it appears; after all you were living with him for a number of years and may perceive his behavior as normal—or at least tolerable, when it is anything but.
More fundamentally, your ex-husband or ex-wife may not be quite the same person he or she was during the marriage. It is called regression, and it is not a good thing.
The stress of divorce, which includes the instinct of self preservation, can make your ex (or you, for that matter) function at a more primitive and therefore, less healthy manner.The Intelligent Divorce; Taking Care of Yourself outlines ten common Character Traps that people fall into when regressed. For those professionals reading this piece, I use the concept of a Character Trap, instead of the more diagnostic term, Personality Disorder, because these primitive, and sometimes, dangerous regressions are often time limited to the years surrounding the divorce. Unlike Personality Disorders which have a strong degree of permanence, Character Traps describes a phenomena of stress induced dysfunction that is often less obvious beforehand or years later.
Character Traps are a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a Character Trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an unambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person.
If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making.
You will give him the benefit of the doubt (which in normal cases builds trust) and he exploits it. She says something bad about you to the kids, and you let it pass (which in normal cases may just be an isolated incident) and she sees herself as vindicated by your silence. That is why it is so important to wake up and realize with whom you may be dealing.
Regressed people often "know" that they are right, and therefore have a powerful moral authority to do as they please. This is a dangerous recipe for abuse that can range from financial manipulation, to parental alienation (from mild to severe), to kidnapping or even, rarely—murder.
Today, we'll go over the Character Traps (your ex can have more than one) that can set off a Malignant Divorce:
The Victim: This Character Trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She believes that she lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you've done (This Character Trap only applies when it is a distortion of the truth—note that it can be adaptive if an ex-spouse is truly dangerous). Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic. I have seen terrible things done in the name of victimhood. If you are dealing with any Character Trap therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story.
The Control Freak: He was probably always controlling during your marriage, and because of regression, he has become far worse. In these cases, the control freak is really very anxious, but manages it by planning everything so that he cannot lose. He may set you up and then document your "incompetence", bringing copious notes to court to prove how capable he is and how irresponsible you are (for an example, turn to Alfred Hitchcock's Gaslight). The control freak can easily hide your mutual monies, because many are good businessmen who have control of the accounts. The control freak is unambivelent in his wish to win, and the more capable they are, the more work you will have in protecting yourself. Since you were married to him for a number of years, you may also be intimidated by the power of his relentless assault to your very legitimacy. Once again, therapy is mandatory.
The Narcissist: This Character Trap carries the same name as the personality disorder. The narcissist is completely self-centered and self-serving. In this case, your husband probably had some narcissistic tendencies before the divorce. Some warning signs include: a need for admiration, a need to be right, a need to be seen by the community as a great guy, and a need to criticize you privately for not meeting his standards. In addition, he's probably a charismatic and successful guy (maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place) who casually uses his charisma to get what he wants—often at the expense of other people. Now, your ex has regressed into a more severe form of narcissism. With the divorce, he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community. And, need I say it? An excellent therapist can help.
The Avenger: This character trap is very dangerous and can be a natural extension of the victim, the control freak or the narcissist—if taken to an extreme. The avenger doesn't just want to win, she wants you to lose. She will not be satisfied until you are hurting. Many roads lead to Rome and many paths lead to the avenger. Melanie Klein, the great British psychoanalyst wrote about this psychology when she talked about envy, which she defined as "the pleasure one gets in destroying the good that another person has." There is a sense of urgency with an avenger. In a divorce, most people have a moment when they may consider some kind of revenge. It is normal to want to hurt a person that hurt you. But the vast majority of people see that there are two sides to most stories, and furthermore they just want to move on with their lives, if for no other reason than to give their children a brighter future. The avenger sees revenge as an end in itself. In my experience, when the avenger is combined with the victim Character Trap, such people can lose touch with reality. She will stop at nothing to make sure that you cannot be happy. At its worse, the kids literally become pawns in an evil game. In recent years, the politically charged label of parental alienation has been buttressed by research supporting that this insidious dynamic is probably a real phenomenon. Parental alienation is an attempt to deprive you of your children through a form of brainwashing. And what about kidnapping or murder? The avenger may really think, "If I can't have them, he sure won't." Or, "If I don't keep them from him, no one will." If you think that you are dealing with an ex-spouse who has these tendencies, then you will need a good attorney, a great therapist, and a familiarly with how to constructively use the police and the legal system.
Forewarned is forearmed; and that is the intelligent approach to a Malignant Divorce. Years from now, your ex may be surprisingly easy to deal with. Time sometimes heals, as long as not too much damage has been done along the way.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201111/do-you-have-impossible-ex
Friday, 4 September 2020
Finding your One Reason - Dealing with times of trauma and upset
Following on from the tragic terrorist bombing in Manchester this week, this video considers how finding the one-thing that motivates or underpins your actions can help you when going through times of trauma, difficulty or upset.
Tuesday, 1 September 2020
How to Transition Your Kids Back to School as Co-Parents
When you’re divorced, a new school year for your kids means a lot of communication with your ex, and that may, in a word, suck. But as one mother who’s been there writes, there’s a cardinal rule of parenthood and that is: It’s hard and not really about you.
Get out those Trapper Keepers and sharpen your No. 2 pencils—it’s Back-to-SchoolWeek! Going far beyond the classroom, Lifehacker is bringing you genius tricks and ideas on how to start routines, brush up on old skills or learn something new this fall.
Your children need a community of adults who are on their team, helping them learn and grow and thrive. The transition back to school is an important time to set up systems and routines, lay out expectations for every member of the family, and establish a sense of predictability.
While every situation will look different, here are some ways to make back-to-school transitions smoother as co-parents.
Prep the Teachers
To minimize confusion and uncomfortable remarks, inform your children’s teachers of their family situation, ideally before the first day of school. Provide an overview of their routines—who’ll be dropping them off and picking them up on which days, and where they’ll be staying each night. Giving teachers this information up front not only provides them with some context for any emotional issues that may come up, but it also allows them to plan ahead. Perhaps they’ll proceed with more sensitivity when it comes to those “My Family” projects that can sometimes be painful for kids of divorce.Set Your Own Boundaries
You and your ex should should aim to stand as a united front as co-parents, but only you know what you can handle. Ask for what you need. Many teachers are happy to schedule two separate parent-teacher conferences if a joint meeting would be too uncomfortable.After writer Erin Silver got divorced, she felt “stumped and upset” when her children’s school asked her to send in a family photo. On HuffPost, she shared her thoughts and the solution that worked for her.
Should I send in an old family photo from when my ex-husband and I were married? Should I send in two separate photos, one of the kids with their dad and his partner, and one of the kids and me with mine? I ended up doing what felt most comfortable and natural for me: I sent in one of my boys with their dad and one of the boys with me. I worried my son would be upset to have two photos while everyone else in his class had one family photo, but he was actually happy to have everyone in his family represented.
Sync Up Your Routines
While no two homes are the same, you and your ex can establish some basic morning and after-school routines so your kids’ lives have a predictable rhythm. Homework, meals and bedtime are the three big areas to discuss. Decide on your rules: No playing outside until after homework is done? Everyone sits together and eats at the dinner table? No TV on weeknights? If you can set up pretty similar guidelines at both houses, your kids will know what’s expected and will be less likely to try to bargain by using the claim, “At Dad’s, we do this ...”Share a Calendar
For both parents, you need one online calendar to share info about science project deadlines, volleyball practice, and when the money is due for school pictures. Google Calendar works well for this.Older kids can view the shared calendar, but younger children will need something more tactile. This customizable custody calendar from Mighty + Bright (pictured above) lets kids see which parent they’ll be with on each day of the week. The simple visual aid helps put the child’s life in context, letting them know what’s coming next and reducing their anxiety.
Use Technology to Keep Everything Together
Co-parenting-focused apps such as 2houses, Alimentor and Our Family Wizard help you track expenses (for everything from back-to-school supplies to health insurance), manage court dates, organize medical records, switch weekends on the calendar, and more.While it all may seem overwhelming at first, these back-to-school transitions will become easier over the years as you and your co-parent find routines that work for everyone.
Source: https://offspring.lifehacker.com/how-to-transition-your-kids-back-to-school-as-co-parent-1814076770
Monday, 24 August 2020
Goals and Mindset for Thriving after Divorce
Setting ourselves goals and adopting the mindset of thriving, not just surviving.
Setting goals for our future is massively important, as long as the goals are also backed up with a plan for action to make those goals a reality!
What goals do you have?
Find more videos like this one over at the Divorced Lifestyle Design YouTube Channel!
Wednesday, 12 August 2020
You Have The Power To Choose Your Attitude
In these moments when you want to lose your cool, it’s worth asking: What’s to be gained?
We’ve all had those moments of losing our cool. Often it happens in the car, when someone cuts us off and we lash out either vocally or demonstrably, venting our frustration into the vacuum. And sometimes it happens in a more public fashion. I witnessed two of these episodes recently, both in airports (another place that seems to send many of us over the edge).
In the first incident, a couple was late for their connecting flight, so late that the gate had already closed and the plane was in the process of pushing back. It was a small airport, and the rest of us watched as the woman banged on the door repeatedly, demanding that someone on the other side open it, and then both she and her partner turned on the gate agent, screaming at him and demanding to know why the plane had left without them. It was both fascinating and uncomfortable to watch, especially as their toddler wandered around the airport, happy and oblivious to his parents’ distress.
In the second incident, we were on one of the buses that takes you from the gate to your plane at Reagan National in D.C. It’s a silly experience, but necessary, and anyone who gets onto the bus early knows that there will be a period of waiting for the stragglers. As we all waited a man let loose to no one in particular (but apparently directed at his family) about what a stupid process it was, and how incompetent the people driving the bus were, and so forth, in a louder and louder voice. By the time we got to the plane, another, unrelated woman had joined in, complaining loudly for all to hear.
We’ve all been there. And yes there are places – in the car, in an airport – that tend to bring out the particular worst in all of us. But it’s worth asking ourselves in these moments,what’s to be gained? The couple in the first scenario did not berate themselves onto the plane, and frankly, who would want them there? The two individuals in the second scenario did not get us to the plane any faster, but they sure did irritate all of their fellow passengers.
Our attitude is a choice. We have no control over the attitudes and behaviors of others. Despite what we might tell ourselves, we can’t make other people better friends, partners, or colleagues. Banging on the door of the gate isn’t going to make the plane come back. And, most likely, yelling at the gate agent and calling him names isn’t going to get you better service.
The positive psychology researcher Shawn Achor tells us that 90% of our long-term happiness is predicted not by the world around us, but by how our brain processes the world around us. In other words, if we choose to see the world as out to get us, then that is how we will experience it. But of course, the flip-side of that is also true: if we choose to see the world as a generally positive, supportive place, then that is how we will experience it.
That doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen. But it does take some of the perceived negative intent out of those things when they do. Maybe the person who just cut us off is late getting to the hospital to see a sick loved one, and not just a jerk. Maybe the gate agent is just doing his job, and not conspiring against us.
This has real implications for our work relationships, as well. While it would be lovely to think that we are surrounded by hard-working, supportive colleagues who always have our best interests at heart, we know that’s not always the case. Sometimes people let us down at work, and it has consequences for our ability to do our jobs well. Sometimes people aren’t good at their jobs, or don’t treat us the way we would like to be treated.
This has real implications for our work relationships, as well. While it would be lovely to think that we are surrounded by hard-working, supportive colleagues who always have our best interests at heart, we know that’s not always the case. Sometimes people let us down at work, and it has consequences for our ability to do our jobs well. Sometimes people aren’t good at their jobs, or don’t treat us the way we would like to be treated.
It bears repeating: you have zero ability to “fix” them, to change their behaviors or theirattitudes. All that you can do is choose how you will react. So in these moments, before your inclination is to lash out at them, take a deep breath and think about:
- What’s causing these feelings? I find that often when I get the most irritated in the car is when I’m running late somewhere, which is, of course, not the fault of all of the people around me. Is the root cause this other person’s actions or my own?
- What will my reaction get me? Is the momentary satisfaction of blasting another person worth the potential long-term impacts on our relationship? Will it get me the results that I am looking for?
- What do I not know about this situation? Is there a reason that this other person is behaving in this way? Are there some questions that I can ask to find out more?
- Who’s watching me? Who is going to learn from this moment, and what will they learn about appropriate behavior and about me?
A recent study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology found that venting and complaining at work actually increases the impact of negative experiences. This doesn’t mean one should be a Pollyanna about work and life, refusing to see that anything can possibly be wrong. It does mean that we can all benefit from choosing our attitudes, in work, in life, and especially when the stakes seem particularly high.
Friday, 31 July 2020
You have the power over your mind... Control what you can and accept what you can't!
"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength."
- Marcus Aurelius
A few thoughts on how to manage the mind and focus on what we can control while accepting the things we cannot. Master the mind, and the rest will follow!
Access further insight, information, encouragement and support for helping you to Thrive after Divorce or separation at:
divorcedlifestyledesign.com
facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner
Saturday, 30 May 2020
Self, Self Reliance and Selfishness
"Self-reliance is the best defence against the pressures of the moment"
-Carl Von Clausewitz
We all bear a right and a responsibility at times to ensure that we put ourselves first; we need to take care of ourselves, serve ourselves and ensure our own needs are met for daily existence and growth if we're going to be able to serve and meet the needs of others.
As we work through times of challenge, it's essential that we ensure that we're being selfish when needed to give ourselves and our lives the oxygen we need both metaphorically and literally. If we can't breathe, we're unable to help others.
Give yourself the support you need, put yourself first occasionally!
-Carl Von Clausewitz
We all bear a right and a responsibility at times to ensure that we put ourselves first; we need to take care of ourselves, serve ourselves and ensure our own needs are met for daily existence and growth if we're going to be able to serve and meet the needs of others.
As we work through times of challenge, it's essential that we ensure that we're being selfish when needed to give ourselves and our lives the oxygen we need both metaphorically and literally. If we can't breathe, we're unable to help others.
Give yourself the support you need, put yourself first occasionally!
Wednesday, 27 May 2020
Tricky issues with co-parenting after divorce
Co-parenting — or shared parenting — is usually the best way to deal with custody of your children after divorce, but it isn’t always easy. We spoke with a few moms who are actively co-parenting with their ex-husbands to find out where the trouble lies, and how to best deal with it for the sake of your kids.
Shared parenting requires cooperation
Co-parenting — or shared parenting — is usually the best way to deal with custody of your children after divorce, but it isn’t always easy.Nobody heads down the aisle with the intention of getting a divorce. Yet we constantly hear that about half of all marriages will eventually end in divorce. When a marriage ends, whatever the reason, there are bound to be hurt feelings and bitterness. If you have children, can you work past these feelings and come together for the sake of the kids? We spoke with a few moms who say you can.
Your feelings? Don’t share
Divorce is intended to sever ties between two people who no longer love each other. “Very rarely is a divorce amicable,” shares Dr. Fran Walfish, Psy.D., who is a child and family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent. “Each partner in the marriage has their own individual complaints about the other including infidelity, control, lack of communication and so forth.” She says that many couples direct their grievances toward battles regarding money and the children, which benefits no one. “My advice to all parents who are co-parenting with joint custody after divorce is to set aside their anger, disappointment, hurt and rage,” she adds. “Those feelings are for you to deal with in a therapy office and with your supportive friends and family.”Patsy Shelton is a teacher and mother of two boys. “No marriage ends easily,” she says. “There were tears and anger and blame when my marriage ended, but we were both able to see our roles in its ending.” Both Patsy and her ex-husband shared the desire to protect their boys from the pain they felt. “It's not about our history anymore — that's why we got a divorce! We are free to let all of that go. Now we are friends who look to the future and what it holds, not for us, but for our sons,” she adds.
Joint custody means working together
“We've worked hard to make sure our kids see us together, through occasional meals together, birthday parties, sports and school events,” shares Tracy Jensen, writer and mother of two. “It reassures them that although we don't live together, we're still working together to make sure they're OK — and that it's OK for them to love both of their parents.” Changing your relationship to meet the needs of your kids takes patience and a lot of work, on both sides. “It doesn't mean that anger and hurt don't exist,” adds Jensen. “It means that the needs of our kids are more important.”While you shouldn’t expect your ex to suddenly become the father he never was, you can appreciate the differences that he brings to your children’s lives and roll with them. “Let your ex develop his own parenting style,” advises Jensen. “He's never going to do it the same way that you do, and that's OK. Kids benefit from a different perspective. Take the opportunity to enjoy what your kids learn from him.”
Make it easier
Many divorced parents wind up trying to make things harder for the other parent, whether subconsciously or on purpose. When you choose a difficult path, it only hurts the kids. “Make it easy for your ex to spend time with your kids,” says Jensen. ”I see a number of friends enveloped in this battle, where time with the kids becomes such a weapon. I have always told the kids' dad if he wants extra time with them, to simply ask.”By having a regular, consistent routine — that also has room for flexibility — your kids will feel that their lives are more stable. “The boys stay three days with me and then three days with their father,” shares Shelton, “but if I need him to keep the boys, he does! And if he needs me to keep them, I do!” The give-and-take is what makes this feel more like a partnership than a battle. “In the best interests of your children, be friendly, kind and respectful to your ex in front of the kids,” shares Dr. Walfish. “Swallow your pride for your children's sake and never fight in front of the kids. That includes no hostile grimaces or remarks, no sarcasm and no unbearable silences you could cut with a knife,” she adds. “You will make your kids' lives easier and they will be more resilient.”
Tips for successful co-parenting after divorce
Dan Clifford is a partner in the family law practice at the law firm Weber Gallagher. He sees firsthand how struggles with divorce affect the children. He offers us five tips for success with co-parenting.Parents should always keep the lines of communication open for the benefit of the children. I suggest email as the preferred communication device, but remember to keep all messages short, informational and limited to something pertaining to the children’s medical/educational issues, and/or a detail pertaining to an upcoming custody exchange. Remember, every email could be used as a possible exhibit in a future custody dispute.
Avoid long, accusatory, rambling emails that relive past history, point fingers and force the other party to shut down (and remind them of why you are no longer living under the same roof). If the email is more than two or three lines, it’s too long. If you need to vent, send the longer email you’d really like to send to your best friend, instead.
Consider using one of the custody calendar computer programs available to record special family events, school, extracurricular activities and doctor appointments to eliminate the phrases, “You didn’t tell me,” “You didn’t remind me” and “I didn’t know” from the vocabulary of the parent who fails to show up at an important event.
Always provide a united front to the important people in your child’s life — teachers, tutors, coaches and parents of your child’s close friends. It should never be about you proving to that third party that you are the “better” parent.
Consider providing a gift for the child to present to the other parent for important events like birthdays, Christmas, Father’s/Mother’s Day, etc. While you may no longer like the other parent, it’s a simple gesture of kindness that your child will likely remember forever.
By doing your best to work with your former spouse, you are providing your children with a family safety net — and showing them that they really matter to both of you.
Source: http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1009699/tips-for-co-parenting-after-divorce
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