When Parents Divorce

"Mommy and daddy are getting a divorce."

To children, those fateful words can mean a range of things, depending on their age. A baby or toddler won't understand them at all but may pick up on your somber tone and be confused or frightened by it; an older child may worry that she'll wind up like a friend at school who sees her dad only rarely, or that she'll have to move to a smaller house and share a bedroom with her little sister.

While it's just about impossible to put a positive spin on such a negative event, there's a lot parents can do to ease the difficult transition from intact family to divided one. Target your initial broaching of the topic to your child's age (if you have kids of widely differing ages, you might consider talking to each of them separately). And then be prepared to have your child come back with more questions as the years pass and she comes to understand the situation more fully. Some guidelines for talking to kids of various ages when a marriage splits apart.

Babies

While you may think that infants are too young to be affected by divorce, they're surprisingly intuitive. Even a 6-week-old can sense that his routine has been altered —he no longer sees both parents daily, he's suddenly eating at a different time or sleeping in a new room. Schedule changes can be particularly anxiety-provoking for babies. "They need structure and continuity to feel safe and to trust that all is right with the world," says M. Gary Neuman, author of Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way.

It's least disruptive to keep an infant at home and have the noncustodial parent visit frequently for short periods—an hour a day, for example, or two hours three times a week. "For the first three months of my son's life, I had his dad come to my house whenever he wanted to see the baby," says a mom in Chagrin Falls, OH, who split from her child's father before giving birth. If the baby must move back and forth between households, try to maintain the same naptime, feeding schedule and bedtime rituals in each place. While you needn't re-create the nursery down to the Pooh Bear nightlight, purchasing two sets of identical sheets or bumpers can make an infant feel more at ease. Always make sure any favorite blankie or stuffed animal travels from house to house.

An infant can sense if you're depressed or angry and may also interpret hostility, sadness or withdrawal as a reflection of your feelings for him. This can erode his sense of security and confidence, so it's crucial to deal with your own personal demons. "See a counselor, a rabbi, a minister; join a divorce support group; lean on your friends," advises Neuman. Be extra demonstrative with your baby, both physically and emotionally—you can't hug him too many times a day.

Then be prepared for some fallout: Babies whose parents are going through a divorce may cry more often and sleep less soundly than those living in intact households. This is a natural reaction to stress and should subside within a couple of months, after they've adjusted to the new routine. They may also experience more severe separation anxiety (which typically crops up at 8 or 9 months). "When something is taken away from you, in this case a parent, it's natural to want to hold on tight to what you have left," says Arnold Stolberg, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, in Richmond. Until his anxiety eases, every time you leave your child with his other parent, be sure to reassure him that you're coming back. While he may not understand the words, he'll pick up on your soothing tone. The good news about splitting up while your child is a baby is that, all other things being equal, he may ultimately suffer fewer adverse effects from a divorce than an older child, since he won't remember his parents ever having been together.

Toddlers

A toddler isn't old enough to understand abstract concepts like "marriage" and "divorce," so you'll need to keep things concrete when broaching the subject. A simple statement, such as "Mommy and Daddy make each other sad and are going to live in different places, but you make us very happy" will do. At this age, a child's main concern is how the breakup will affect her routine, so explain the situation as specifically as possible. "Mommy will live here in this house, and Daddy will live at Grandpa's house" is easier for a toddler to grasp than "Daddy is moving to Arizona." And don't forget to reassure your child that no matter where everyone lives, you and your former spouse will still be her mommy and daddy and will love her as much as always. "When my husband and I divorced, he moved to Oregon for a year. I wanted him to have a close relationship with our daughter, who was eighteen months at the time, so I made sure to talk about him frequently and to tell her how much he loves her," says one Chicago mom.

Just because toddlers can't always verbalize their emotions doesn't mean they aren't feeling them. They may become sad and withdrawn or act out their anxiety by hitting or biting. If you sense your child's upset, try to give voice to her feelings: "You look sad. I wonder if it's been tough for you not to see Daddy all the time" or "How do you feel about moving to a new house? That can be difficult."

If aggression becomes a problem, explain that it's okay to be upset that Mommy or Daddy has moved out but that it's not okay to hit. Then try to redirect the anger by encouraging your child to say "I'm mad" or to scribble an "angry" picture or pound a play hammer.
As with infants, it's wise to allow your child to have frequent visits with the noncustodial parent. Every day for an hour and a half is ideal, but two or three visits a week may be more practical. Again, young kids may have a difficult time warming up to the noncustodial parent if they're out of touch for more than a few days. If your toddler balks at going to your former spouse's house, talk about the fun she'll have there.

Preschoolers

Between the ages of 3 and 5, kids are magical thinkers. Their feelings and actions are so powerful, they may fear that Mommy or Daddy left because of something they said or did. "One four-year-old girl I counseled was certain that her parents wouldn't have divorced if she and her brothers hadn't argued so much," says Neuman. This kind of guilt not only prompts kids to feel bad about themselves, but it may also make them anxious about the future, he says. "If they can cause their family to break up, what other horrible things might they do?" Reassure your child that the divorce wasn't his fault, that it happened simply because Mommy and Daddy are too sad together.

Preschoolers often worry that the custodial parent will move away too, leaving them to fend for themselves. They may try to act like superkids—eating all their vegetables, putting their toys away, going to bed cheerfully—figuring that you'll be more likely to stick around if they don't make waves. When Susan Rapaport and her husband split up four years ago, her son, Joseph, who was 5 at the time, would get excessively upset whenever anyone reprimanded him. "So anytime I had to call him on something, I made sure to add, 'I want you with me always, and I'm never going to leave you,'" says the Chevy Chase, MD, mother of three.
Similarly, preschoolers may become overly fearful when you go to work or even run a quick errand, assuming that you're gone for good. Before leaving, be as specific as possible about when you're coming back: "I'll be home in time to feed you dinner" is more reassuring than "I'll see you later."

Kids this age may also react to a divorce by regressing. Because their coping skills aren't well developed, they may use baby talk, demand a pacifier or need to cuddle a beloved blankie in order to comfort themselves during stressful times. If this occurs, help your child put words to the situation and be sure to shower him with extra love and attention. Let him know that his feelings matter and that he can depend on you to be there for him, says Neuman. Once things settle down and he adjusts to the divorce, his babyish behavior should disappear within two or three months.

Grade-Schoolers

Older kids are going to have many of the same concerns as younger ones. While you can use more sophisticated language with them, your general message about the breakup should be simple and straightforward: "Mom and Dad weren't happy together, but we love you all the same and always will."

Like younger kids, school-age children may blame themselves for the split (although they may not admit it), but for a different reason. "It's less threatening for them to think that they somehow caused the divorce than to think that they have no control over bad things that happen," says Stolberg. So be sure to reiterate—as often as necessary—that Mom or Dad didn't leave because of anything they said or did.

Because older children have mastered the concept of time, it's easier to explain to them how the divorce will affect their routine. One approach: Buy a calendar and draw a blue star on the days they'll be with Dad and a yellow one on the days they'll stay with Mom. "If children know in advance where they will be sleeping, they feel more in control," says Stolberg.
Older kids hate to stand out from the crowd, so they may worry that the divorce makes them different. To help them feel less isolated, point out other people—from rock stars to neighbors—who are divorced or whose parents have split. Then ask if there are specific issues that are bothering them—and do your best to remedy the situation.

Instead of expressing their anxiety at home, some grade-schoolers act out at school—fighting with friends, disrupting the classroom. Or they internalize their distress and suddenly develop chronic headaches or stomachaches. Let your child's teachers, babysitters and coaches know what's going on in her life, and keep in close contact with them to monitor how she's coping.

If you notice that your child is having a tough time, try to get her to open up. Ann Croll of Rye, NY, whose daughter was 6 when she and her husband separated, broaches touchy topics when she and her daughter are on short rides in the car. "She knows, say, that after the next turn we have only half a block to go before we get to school, and she can stop thinking about it."

No matter how old your children are, it's crucial to avoid trashing your ex in front of them. A child sees herself as an extension of her parents. So if you criticize a child's dad, in her eyes you're criticizing her too, says Stolberg. Denigrating your former spouse also makes it impossible for your child to love him without feeling as if she's betraying you. It's emotionally vital for kids to have a good relationship with both of their parents—whether or not they live under the same roof.

Children of Divorce: Do they grow up happy?

Divorce can deeply trouble kids, triggering a range of reactions from anger and depression to behavioral problems at school. But what's the long-range prognosis? Are they doomed to carry lifelong emotional baggage? Not necessarily, according to the recent book For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,by E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., and John Kelly. Hetherington looked at more than 1,400 families, some for as long as 24 years (roughly half of whom were divorced). Within six years, 75 to 80 percent of kids whose parents had split were as happy and well adjusted as those from intact families. "The other twenty percent developed some kind of psychological, emotional or academic problem, compared to ten percent of the nondivorced group," she says.

divorce's downside

A less optimistic picture was presented by Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., in The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In interviews with 59 divorced families over 25 years, she found that almost all grew up with fears about being able to sustain a happy relationship. Eventually—often with therapy or the help of a supportive spouse—most were able to compensate. "But growing into adulthood was definitely much harder for them," she says.

Many experts consider Hetherington's work to be more scientifically valid because she included a control group from the start (Wallerstein added hers later), had a larger sample size and conducted objective personality assessments. "Dr. Wallerstein's study is very insightful and useful in learning what happens after difficult divorces," says Andrew Cherlin, Ph.D., professor of sociology at Johns Hopkins University. "But the families she interviewed were more dysfunctional than the average divorcing family." On the other hand, says Norval Glenn, Ph.D., professor of sociology at the University of Texas in Austin, Wallerstein's in-depth interviews may have uncovered pain and anguish that Hetherington's standardized tests wouldn't have detected.

the bottom line

There's no doubt that children from broken homes are twice as likely to grow up and have marriages that end in divorce. But most experts agree that divorce itself isn't necessarily a negative sentence for children. Parents who remain loving (but firm) and consistent throughout their divorce will dramatically increase their odds of raising happy, well-adjusted kids.

Source: http://www.parenting.com/article/when-parents-divorce

How to Transition Your Kids Back to School as Co-Parents

When you’re divorced, a new school year for your kids means a lot of communication with your ex, and that may, in a word, suck. But as one mother who’s been there writes, there’s a cardinal rule of parenthood and that is: It’s hard and not really about you.

Get out those Trapper Keepers and sharpen your No. 2 pencils—it’s Back-to-SchoolWeek! Going far beyond the classroom, Lifehacker is bringing you genius tricks and ideas on how to start routines, brush up on old skills or learn something new this fall.

Your children need a community of adults who are on their team, helping them learn and grow and thrive. The transition back to school is an important time to set up systems and routines, lay out expectations for every member of the family, and establish a sense of predictability.

While every situation will look different, here are some ways to make back-to-school transitions smoother as co-parents.

Prep the Teachers

To minimize confusion and uncomfortable remarks, inform your children’s teachers of their family situation, ideally before the first day of school. Provide an overview of their routines—who’ll be dropping them off and picking them up on which days, and where they’ll be staying each night. Giving teachers this information up front not only provides them with some context for any emotional issues that may come up, but it also allows them to plan ahead. Perhaps they’ll proceed with more sensitivity when it comes to those “My Family” projects that can sometimes be painful for kids of divorce.

Set Your Own Boundaries

You and your ex should should aim to stand as a united front as co-parents, but only you know what you can handle. Ask for what you need. Many teachers are happy to schedule two separate parent-teacher conferences if a joint meeting would be too uncomfortable.

After writer Erin Silver got divorced, she felt “stumped and upset” when her children’s school asked her to send in a family photo. On HuffPost, she shared her thoughts and the solution that worked for her.

Should I send in an old family photo from when my ex-husband and I were married? Should I send in two separate photos, one of the kids with their dad and his partner, and one of the kids and me with mine? I ended up doing what felt most comfortable and natural for me: I sent in one of my boys with their dad and one of the boys with me. I worried my son would be upset to have two photos while everyone else in his class had one family photo, but he was actually happy to have everyone in his family represented.

Sync Up Your Routines

While no two homes are the same, you and your ex can establish some basic morning and after-school routines so your kids’ lives have a predictable rhythm. Homework, meals and bedtime are the three big areas to discuss. Decide on your rules: No playing outside until after homework is done? Everyone sits together and eats at the dinner table? No TV on weeknights? If you can set up pretty similar guidelines at both houses, your kids will know what’s expected and will be less likely to try to bargain by using the claim, “At Dad’s, we do this ...”

Share a Calendar

For both parents, you need one online calendar to share info about science project deadlines, volleyball practice, and when the money is due for school pictures. Google Calendar works well for this.

Older kids can view the shared calendar, but younger children will need something more tactile. This customizable custody calendar from Mighty + Bright (pictured above) lets kids see which parent they’ll be with on each day of the week. The simple visual aid helps put the child’s life in context, letting them know what’s coming next and reducing their anxiety.

Use Technology to Keep Everything Together

Co-parenting-focused apps such as 2houses, Alimentor and Our Family Wizard help you track expenses (for everything from back-to-school supplies to health insurance), manage court dates, organize medical records, switch weekends on the calendar, and more.

While it all may seem overwhelming at first, these back-to-school transitions will become easier over the years as you and your co-parent find routines that work for everyone.

Source: https://offspring.lifehacker.com/how-to-transition-your-kids-back-to-school-as-co-parent-1814076770

Logistical Nightmares: How To Take Some Of The Challenge Out Of Co-Parenting

The key to peaceful co-parenting post-divorce lies in keeping the focus on what is best for the kids. Karen McMahon shows us how.

Many challenges of co-parenting post-divorce are universal whether you have an amicable divorce or not. Other more unique challenges are faced by those emerging from a contentious divorce and custody battle.

The key to peaceful co-parenting post-divorce lies in keeping the focus on what is best for the kids. In this article I address both the logistics and emotions of co-parenting with a person you were unable to stay married to.

On the logistical front, there are a number of issues that if addressed and agreed to upfront allow for a significantly more peaceful co-parenting experience:

1. Mutual Respect: Each parent respects the other parent in words and actions; NEVER use the children as a liaison to communicate with the other parent.
2. Education Agreement: Children will attend school on time, well-rested, fed and prepared for their day. They will have a time and place to study and complete their homework – with parent’s guidance if necessary. Textbooks, musical equipment, etc. are at the appropriate house for homework. Parents agree on how they will manage teacher conferences, school events, etc.
3. Shared Information: Each parent is well informed when the other is taking the children on vacation, away for the weekend, out of town/the country. Vacations with the children involve appropriate notice, sharing details location and contact information in case of emergency.
4. Health Care: Ensure doctor and dentist appointments are kept, information is shared and difficult decisions about medication and procedures are made in the best interest of the children.
5. Rules and Consequences: An agreement to enforce similar rules and consequences regardless of whose house the children are at.
6. Extracurricular Activities: Commitment to the children being prepared and on time for practices, games, recitals, concerts, etc; ensuring equipment is at the right house; both parents are aware of the schedule, location, contact information.
7. Social: Each parent has names and numbers of the children’s friends for playdates, invitations for birthday parties, etc.

Minimizing the Chaos

Married parents can get overwhelmed with all the dates, times, locations, activities, responsibilities and commitments of today’s busy children. Living in separate households can turn overwhelm into chaos.

I cannot tell you how many times in the early years of my divorce we were running late for soccer practice only to find out that my daughter’s cleats and shin guards were at daddy’s or worse, in daddy’s car and he wasn’t home!! Chaos ensued…tensions rose, we all got upset, accusations were flung back and forth…all over a soccer practice.

The same can happen with a textbook at the wrong house the night before a big test. Or the perfect pair of shoes or sweater for her cute outfit is at mommy’s house and no one scheduled in the mad rush across town before school starts…a tough way to begin the day.

One of the most amazing tools that saved my sanity was using an online scheduling program that enabled me to post our shared parenting schedule, the names and phone numbers of pediatricians, friends, coaches, etc. Our Family Wizard offers a one stop location for all the details of co-parenting. You can use one platform to communicate with your ex about changes in schedule, the cost of shared expenses, need for assistance in driving the kids to this weekend’s activities, etc. All without the need for dozens of phone calls back and forth.

Having Two…When Possible

The second aha for me and my ex was that while we only lived 10 blocks away, we were constantly driving to the other’s house before school, practice or tests. We realized the need and value in having DOUBLES…certain items in both households.

EQUIPMENT…having two sets of equipment (when affordable) makes life much easier. When that is not possible, having a special bag that is always packed and by the front door ready to go to mommy’s or daddy’s house keeps everyone calmer – and is great practice for the kids to learn to be organized and prepared (have your kids do it at an early age!!)

TEXTBOOKS…many schools deal are all to used to dealing with children from divorced families and will provide you with a textbook for each home. For those that cannot, creating a system ie. a packing list can reduce stress dramatically.

Note: Parenting children with special needs creates an even greater stress on both households. It’s not just the children, but the parents as well that need support and tool and there are amazing resources available for you.

All this being said, if you are in or emerging from a contentious divorce, many of these cooperative co-parenting strategies may seem like an impossibility. If communication with your ex often results in criticism, accusation, blame, and bitterness, make sure to read Co-parenting: Take Off Your Armor And Put Down Your Sword.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/logistical-nightmares-how-to-take-some-of-the-challenge-out-of-co-parenting-dg/

The Stigma of Divorce

I smile as I write this as past words and comments by well-meaning friends, colleagues and acquaintances flash around in my head.

The story goes way back, when I went through my first divorce. I was only 27/28 having married at 21 and people would wonder out loud, what would become of me as a young divorcee with a child. At first these comments didn’t mean a thing to me as all I wanted at the time was out no matter what.

But by the time I realised that my second marriage was not working and that I actually had to leave to be happy, those same words of a few years before came rushing back.

This time round I was afraid, I was embarrassed and left my marriage knowing that I was now “that woman that my parents used to talk about,” you know the one who has two children from two different marriages.

If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that going through my second divorce was not a big deal, that I was strong and just got on with it. And on the surface that was very true but deep within me, I was damaged and ashamed, emotions I would cover by making fun of myself each time the topic of divorce and marriage came up.

I thought I was doing well covering my darkness until one day, after making yet another joke, a very dear friend of mine, Emma, simply looked at me and said, “You’re really going to have to get over that.”

Those few words were the ones that shook me back to myself. I began looking at why I was doing what I was doing to me and why I was carrying this whole baggage of shame and guilt around because I had two “failed” marriages.

I took it upon myself to see and understand why this had happened and accept that, no matter what my ex-husbands had done or not done, I was 100% responsible for finding myself where I was.

I began to realise that those comments made those many years ago had actually not washed over me at all but they had instead made their way deep down and taken refuge in my heart and mind.

I saw how people reacted when they got to know about my divorces and would ask, “so now what?” And the look of pity, horror and shock when after working through my pain and hurt, I would admit that yes, I would get married again.

The stigma of divorce is alive and well despite the fact that divorce is such a common occurrence that the question, “Are your parents still together,” has become as common as, 
“How are your parents?”

I don’t know why this is. I don’t know why divorce still ends up defining who you are while in reality it’s a journey, an experience you have been through - it’s not you, it’s something that happened. Just like being laid off is something that you once went through at some point in your life. It was painful, it was devastating but you moved on and got yourself another job, hopefully an even better one.

All I know is that this fear of being part of the “failed marriages” party has kept many a people in pretty terrible dyads. It has seen children grow up to ask their parents, “Why didn’t you just leave?” while others have shrunk to nothingness because they don’t want to be seen ticking the “divorced” box.

Speaking of which, I now find myself wondering why one of the options on some forms is “divorced”. If you’re divorced doesn’t that just make you single again?

Today, when someone says to me, “You’re twice divorced! WOW!” I smile and say, “Yes, I am and thank goodness for that!”

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/the-stigma-of-divorce_1_b_5840576.html

Consensus Statement on the Implementation of Co-Parenting

Conclusions of the Second International Conference on Shared Parenting

The Second International Conference on Shared Parenting, organized by the International Council on Shared Parenting (ICSP), has recently concluded. Following the Council's successful first conference on bridging the gap between empirical evidence and socio-legal practice, the aim of the second conference was to identify best practices for the legislative and psycho-social implementation of shared parenting. This was the second international gathering of scholars, practitioners and NGO representatives specializing in the field of co-parenting, with over twenty countries represented.  

As with the first conference, a consensus was reached on a number of important issues.  The conclusions of ICSP's second conference are intended to serve as a guide for family lawmakers, policymakers, and practitioners around the globe with respect to the implementation of co-parenting in law, policy and practice.

The conference arrived at the following areas of consensus:

1. As shared parenting has been recognized by the research community, as well as by legal and mental health practitioners, as a viable post-divorce parenting arrangement that is optimal to child development and well-being, there is consensus that both the legal and psycho-social implementation of shared parenting as a presumption should proceed without delay, with the full sanction and support of professional bodies and associations.

2. As shared parenting encompasses both shared parental authority (decision-making) and shared parental responsibility for the day-to-day upbringing and welfare of children, between fathers and mothers, in keeping with children's age and stage of development, there is consensus that the legal implementation of shared parenting, including both the assumption of shared responsibilities and presumption of shared rights in regard to the parenting of children by fathers and mothers who are living together or apart, be enshrined in law.

3. As shared parenting is recognized as the most effective means for both reducing high parental conflict and preventing first-time family violence, there is consensus that legal and psycho-social implementation of shared parenting as a presumption should proceed with the goal of reducing parental conflict after divorce. There is further consensus that legal and psycho-social implementation of shared parenting as a presumption be encouraged for high conflict families in particular, with the full sanction and support of professional bodies and associations.

4. There is a consensus that the above apply to the majority of children and families, but not to situations of substantiated family violence and child abuse. In such cases, a rebuttable presumption against shared parenting should apply. There is a consensus that the priority for further research on shared parenting should focus on the intersection of child custody and family violence, including child maltreatment in all its forms. There is further consensus that a priority for both the scientific and the legal and mental health practice communities should be the development of legal statutes and practice guidelines with respect to safety measures in cases of established family violence.

5. As there is mounting evidence that shared parenting can both prevent parental alienation, and is a potential remedy for existing situations of parental alienation in separated families, there is consensus that further exploration of the viability of a legal presumption of shared parenting in situations of parental alienation be undertaken.

6. As therapeutic and mediation services are vital to the success of shared parenting arrangements, there is a consensus that an accessible network of family relationship centres that offer family mediation and other relevant support services are critical components of any effort toward legislative and psychosocial implementation of shared parenting. We call on governments to establish such networks as a necessary adjunct to the establishment of a legal presumption of shared parenting.

7. We call on member states to fully adopt the Council of Europe Resolution of 2 October 2015. In particular, we call on member states to adopt the following provisions:

5.5. Introduce into their laws the principle of shared residence following a separation.

5.9. Encourage and develop mediation within the framework of judicial proceedings in family cases involving children.

These seven consensus statements reflect the most recent findings and conclusions of divorce researchers, child and family practitioners, and civil society organizations concerned with matters related to co-parenting after divorce, from around the globe. As indicated in the last consensus statement, they also complement the recent (2015) Council of Europe Parliamentary Assembly Resolution on Equal and Shared Parental Responsibility, passed by an overwhelming vote of 46 to 2, which called on member states to introduce into their laws the principle of shared residence following a separation. The Council of Europe Resolution is considered groundbreaking and reflects a significant paradigm shift globally in the acceptance of shared parenting as necessary to ensuring that the best interests of children of separated and divorced families are addressed.

The delegates to the Second International Conference on Shared Parenting agreed that the time has come for both family law legislators and family practitioners to take responsibility to act and implement shared parenting on a broader global scale.

The third conference of the ICSP is scheduled for late May/early June, 2017, in Boston.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201604/consensus-statement-the-implementation-co-parenting

Should Step-Relationships Be Maintained After Divorce?

What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.

Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.

Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.

One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.

Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/step-relationships-after-divorce-1022127

The 18 Best Things You Can Do For Your Kids After Divorce

Raising your kids after divorce isn’t easy. You constantly worry about how the split will affect them in the long run — and let’s face it, interacting with your ex in the name of co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park.

Still, if you strive to put your kids first, divorce can absolutely be an opportunity to be a better parent than you were before your marriage ended. Last week, we asked our Twitter and Facebook followers to share with us what they believe is the best thing you can do for your kids after divorce.

See 18 of our favorite responses below.

1. “Don’t talk badly about the other parent. Modeling good behavior by getting along with your ex is really critical to the kids’ stability.

2. “Be consistent in everything you do. Be dependable, reliable and make them laugh. Often.”

3. “Remember this: Genetically, your kids are 50 percent your ex. Every negative thing you say about him or her, you’re saying about the kids, too.”

4. “Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate way.”

5. “This is a good time to be a smotherer. Smother them with love and support and remind them that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that ultimately, it will be for the best.”

6. “Get a therapist for the kids during the divorce, not after. We did so and my kids really benefitted from having someone removed from the situation to talk to about their feelings. She encouraged them to open up and helped us sidestep a lot of serious issues.”

7. “Act like adults.”

8. “Understand that some situations don’t lend themselves to co-parenting. Consider alternatives like parallel parenting. Just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean that your spouse has changed.”

9. “Allow your kids equal time with both parents. They deserve it.”

10. “Don’t blindly follow advice from books on post-divorce parenting. The best way to comfort your kids is to go off what you’re sensing from them, not what some self-help author told you to do.”

11. “Be empathetic about the grief they are experiencing. Encourage them to talk and don’t judge their feelings.”

12. “Put their needs first, even before your own. Everything you do should be done in their best interest and nothing you do should be done without asking how your choices will affect them.”

13. “Try your hardest to co-parent. Be there for your ex so you two can support your kids as a team. It’s no longer about the adults so put any animosity aside and do what is in the best interest of your children.”

14. “Realize how futile it is to trash-talk your ex sooner rather than later. The kids will determine the merits and minuses of each parent on their own.”

15. “If you’re allowing the kids to choose who they live with, don’t make them feel guilty about their choice.”

16. “Keep in mind: They’re the innocent victims in the situation. Treat them accordingly.”

17. “Never use your kids as a weapon, a go-between or a spy against your ex. And never talk negatively about the other parent near them or anywhere they can hear or see it (hint hint: Facebook).”

18. “Love your kids more than you hate your ex.“

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/02/17/parenting-after-divorce-advice_n_6679462.html

Divorce may weaken kids' immunity

More and more children come from 'broken homes', and a divorce can raise a child's risk of catching colds in adulthood.

Even though parents do what they can to shield their children against the trauma of divorce, kids often feel as if their world is falling apart.

According to a Health24 article, marital problems can create serious instability in the family and feelings of insecurity in the child.

Adding to the problem of instability in South Africa, fewer people are getting married than 10 years ago, female divorcées are getting older and men are more likely to remarry multiple times.

An unfriendly divorce can raise a child's risk of catching colds in adulthood, a new study suggests.

Poor health and chronic illness

"Early life stressful experiences do something to our physiology and inflammatory processes that increase risk for poorer health and chronic illness," explained researcher Michael Murphy of Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh.

The results were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

"This work is a step forward in our understanding of how family stress during childhood may influence a child's susceptibility to disease 20–40 years later," Murphy said in a university news release. He's a psychology postdoctoral research associate.

Common cold virus

The study found that children whose parents separate and don't speak are at increased risk for colds as adults.

Previous research has shown that adults who experience the split of parents during childhood are at increased risk for poorer health. The authors of this new study believe their work may help explain why that's so.

The study included more than 200 healthy adults exposed to a common cold virus. Those whose parents lived apart and didn't talk to each other during the participant's childhood were more than three times more likely to develop a cold than those whose parents remained together.

No cause-and-effect relationship

While the study only found an association and not a cause-and-effect link, one reason suggested by the researchers for the increased risk of a cold was heightened inflammation in response to viral infection.

Meanwhile, the researchers found that adults whose parents separated during childhood but remained in contact were not at increased risk of catching a cold.

"Our results target the immune system as an important carrier of the long-term negative impact of early family conflict," said Sheldon Cohen, a professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon.

"They also suggest that all divorces are not equal," Cohen said.

Continued communication between parents and support system for the children buffers the harmful effects that separation has on the health of the children, he added.

Source: http://www.health24.com/Parenting/Child/News/divorce-may-weaken-kids-immunity-20170606

6 Tips to Avoid Hurt Feelings When Your Friends Divorce

You just got the news that your friends, that couple you’ve known for years, are getting a divorce.

Maybe you’re surprised. Maybe you can’t believe they stuck it out this long.

No matter the circumstances, you’re wondering what happens next. What are you supposed to do? And what about the friendship? Should you try to stay close with both? Do you have to make a choice of one over the other?

You’ve never (or rarely) been through this before, and are understandably concerned. You really don’t want to do or say the wrong thing, and would feel awful about hurting anyone’s feelings.

Having split with my ex almost five years ago, I’ve endured a few uncomfortable encounters. There was nothing intentional — I’m absolutely convinced those friends (or former friends) weren’t trying to hurt me. But the fact is, they either hadn’t prepared, weren’t thinking, or couldn’t see the world from my perspective.

So, drawing on some personal experience and a couple of informed assumptions, here are six tips for still-married people who don’t want to hurt their recently divorced friends:

• Communicate with your own spouse about how you’re handling the newly-split couple. Several months after separating, I chatted with a husband at a school event. As we parted, he heartily called out, “Hey, see you at our house in a couple weeks,” referring to an annual party they threw. “No, actually you won’t,” I replied. “I wasn’t invited.” Yes, the very definition of “Awk...ward!” Whether you pick sides after a divorce or stay neutral, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page.
• If you go back to neutral after making a pick, you need to explain. There was a wife who made a point of declaring I was in and my ex was out, going into great detail about why I’d “won.” I would have understood if the couple had remained neutral, but frankly it felt pretty good. Until soon thereafter I saw that my ex was back in. What had changed? Had she pulled off a last second comeback? I don’t know, because the wife never said a word. Having been jerked around, I bailed, gladly ceding the “win” to my ex.
• It’s okay to acknowledge to the “loser” that a choice was made. I wasn’t invited to a milestone event thrown by a former couple-friend; no surprise, the friendship was really through the wives. Not long after, at another gathering, the husband approached and started to explain about their event. I cut him off almost immediately. I said it’s okay, I understand, there are no hard feelings, and I really appreciate you saying something. I’d much rather he do that than ignore me, or pretend there’d been no event. And if a “loser” spouse reacts angrily, you just proved that you made the right choice.
• Be really careful of anything involving the divorced couple’s children. An online invitation came out for an event. Among the guests, I was listed individually. And right below me was a line with my ex-wife, her new husband, and our son. Our 21-year-old son, who could have been listed individually like his contemporaries, or with me. But no, he was included with his mom and the new guy, as if he was their child, not hers and mine. Yes, it seems trivial — to a married person, whose family is intact. But to a divorced person whose family isn’t intact, it felt like a kick in the stomach.
• If one party in the divorce has been wronged, or it’s plainly obvious that there was abuse, infidelity, financial malfeasance, etc., then that wronged spouse is going to see neutrality as acceptance of the ex’s actions. And that spouse will consider any embrace of the bad actor a statement that you don’t care about the hurt he or she endured. You may think it’s not your place to judge, that you should mind your own business, and that neutrality is best for all concerned. And you’re eminently entitled to those feelings. But to the injured party, the choice of neutral equals choosing the guilty spouse, and you will either lose the relationship with the innocent one, or damage it significantly.
• If you stay social media connected with both, be aware when posting something about one. For instance, if you go out with the husband and his new girlfriend, then post a shot of the four of you, arms around each other, big smiles on your faces, in front of the hottest spot in town, captioned “Best time ever with Bob and (New Babe)! They rock!!!” then Bob’s ex is going to feel a lot like I did reading that online invite.

It’s very difficult to see your friends divorce, and then deal with the aftermath. What had been a couple is now two individuals — individuals who are in the midst of a really rotten time, whose emotions are raw, and who are easily hurt. But by taking a moment to think the situation through, by being honest, and by practicing some empathy, much of the awkwardness and unintentional pain can be avoided.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/barry-gold/6-tips-to-avoid-hurt-feelings-when-your-friends-divorce_b_8068252.html

The Psychological Impact of Divorce on Adult Children

I recently viewed the 2013 comedy, “A.C.O.D,” starring Adam Scott, Clark Duke, Richard Jenkins, and Catherine O’Hara. “A.C.O.D” showcases a serious storyline in a comedic light, while addressing the psychological impact divorce can have on adult children. While I can’t speak to such an experience firsthand, I was intrigued by the subject matter. Even though they’re no longer kids, adult children may still carry the weight of divorce and unresolved childhood issues on their shoulders.

Maybe such effects manifest in their romantic relationships. They may be wary of long-term commitment. Maybe they encounter heightened stress when they’re sifting through their parents’ leftover anger and resentment, still feeling as if they have to choose sides.

Jenny Kutner’s 2015 article, featured on Mic.com, relays the perspective of the ACOD.
“Unlike a child, who is usually an innocent bystander during the end of their parents’ relationship, ACODs are, more often than not, active participants; they’re placed in the awkward position of having to provide emotional support for one or both of their parents.”
Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime, advocates that regardless of age, a child of divorce will always be considered a child of divorce and sensitivities need to align accordingly.

“Your children are still your children, even if they are 30 years old,” Emory stated in the article. “Information should be shared only on a ‘need to know basis,’ and children of any age don’t need to know much. It isn’t a child’s job to help the family heal. It’s a parent’s job.”
While it’s natural to presume that adults are more equipped to handle the aftermath of divorce, it doesn’t necessarily diminish their challenges.

In a 2013 interview with Redeye, Adam Scott shares his thoughts on divorce’s influence in today’s society, particularly noting how divorce will affect children as they continue to age.
“A lot of us grew up with divorce, and so I see people making much more measured decisions about marriage and children and stuff like that, just because we’ve seen how the generation before us got started a lot earlier with marriage, family and all of that. Just because culturally it was the norm. They saw it backfire for some people, so I think the difference behaviorally and culturally is people are waiting a lot longer now.”

And if ACODs are struggling with familial loss, if they are lugging heavy baggage from divorce, it’s not a total lost cause. By fostering a greater sense of understanding and awareness, confrontation can occur. If need be, those pertinent emotional struggles can be conquered, whether it’s on their own or with the guidance of a professional.

“A.C.O.D” ignites a dialogue, one that isn’t as prevalent when it comes to discussions regarding divorce. Adult children of divorce face their own set of obstacles; however, they of course have the ability to confront and transcend its impact.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/07/the-psychological-impact-of-divorce-on-adult-children/

Co-parenting with an Asshole – Or Someone Who Does Things Much Differently Than You

Without question, one of the biggest hurdles in a divorce is how to deal with shared custody.

In many post-dissolution relationships, custody disputes are the gifts that just keep giving. And it’s not so much about physical custody or shared time, but, rather, the issues incident to legal custody: your children’s health, welfare, academics and the general topics that are sometimes tough to deal with, even when the parents are on the same page and under the same roof.

When parents split up, there are often shifts in thinking, with regard to many of the tacit agreements made during marriage. Your ex-wife’s agreement to immunize in the normal course falls by the wayside, when one of the members of her women’s group warns that vaccination equals autism. Your ex-husband’s agreement to raise the kids Jewish and get on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah track becomes a pipe dream. Decisions regarding which school your children will attend, in which extracurricular activities they will participate, whether or not they will go to sleep away summer camp, be allowed to use a cell phone, receive allowance or even pierce their ears, all become major debates that can open whole new channels of hatred between you and your co-parent.

As I have written in past articles, and told many a client and friend: pick your battles.
Although, it is true that there are few things more soul crushing than making it through a week of potty training, only to have your 2 ½ year old returned to you after a weekend in diapers.

I have a friend who tried to discipline her 15 year-old daughter by taking away her cell phone for a month, after my friend discovered a second, and far more salacious, Instagram account that her daughter had opened. Three days into the punishment, the teen arrived home from a weekend at Dad’s with a new phone, new number, new Instagram account(s). WTF?!

Why can’t parents get on the same page when it comes to raising their children? In some cases, it’s an intentionally passive aggressive (or massive aggressive) move to curry favor with the children and become the most loved parent. Sometimes, it’s a simple lack of consideration (the same kind of behavior that you loved so much when you were a couple). Or maybe it’s laziness about discipline and boundary setting. Whatever the reason, you cannot, in most instances, go running back to court for every infraction. Even if you could, many of the issues co-parents face are not enforceable by a court. (For better or worse, there are no pacifier police who will intervene after you have painstakingly weaned your toddler from the paci, and your ex pops one in his mouth because, during her custodial time, “He wouldn’t go to sleep without it and then….it looks so cute and seems to make him happy when he has it – what’s another couple of months?”)

Big-ticket items, however, like religion, academics and medical (the immunization debate goes on despite the laws enacted in many states that ALL children must be vaccinated in order to attend public and private schools) are within the Family Court’s jurisdiction to determine. But this is a costly endeavor. Not to mention, long after the gavel has banged, you are left to deal with a bitter parent who refuses to participate in church events, notwithstanding the court’s decision that your kids continue to attend Catholic school.

My office often advises parents to work with a co-parenting counselor who can help resolve difficult issues without the need for court intervention. Better communication tools, compromise and input from a neutral third party are all beneficial, in certain situations.
Many jurisdictions also give parties the ability to stipulate or agree to let the Court appoint a Special Master or Parenting Plan Coordinator, who has the discretion to make binding decisions on limited issues surrounding custody.

But really, this article is about the every day coping you do with someone who has equal power, but completely different ideologies about the most important beings in your universe.

A few things to keep in mind:

First, plenty of people were raised with only one good parent, and they turned out fine. Actually, some of the most accomplished people I know had little or no parental guidance. (I grew up in the 80’s.) Be the best parent YOU can be to your kids. Don’t spend so much time worrying about what is or isn’t going on over there.
Next, take the high road – no shit talking about your co-parent. Remember, the way your kids see it is that you bad-mouthing their other parent is you bad-mouthing a part of them. They can’t help that you chose someone with whom to share their DNA.

And hold strong. Be consistent. Set boundaries.

Kids crave consistency (even if they don’t know it), and psychologists tell us that boundaries make kids feel safe. Yeah, you will be the bad guy, the mean mom or uncool dad. But they will get it. They may already get it. While you may feel unappreciated for your efforts, believe me, your kids know. On some, perhaps even subconscious, level, they recognize. There is no need to shove it in their faces.

I have a friend from college, Molly. At her mom’s 60th, she made a toast. It was taken from an essay she wrote in college called, “Mom, I Always Knew.” It harkened back to when she was a kid. Her parents had split up, and she and her sister would spend Wednesdays and alternate weekends with their dad. He would let them wear make-up, stay up as late as they wanted, talking on their princess phone and watching TV in their room. He never made them cook or help clean up because they mostly went out to eat, and he had a housekeeper who came three days a week. At Molly’s mom’s house, there was only one phone line, and there was no TV in Molly’s room. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV on school nights. There were chores and a curfew and lots of yelling and eye rolling and door slamming. But Molly’s essay, and the toast she later shared with her mother and her 60th birthday party guests, spoke of the strength and sense of safety her “mean mom” imparted, simply by being the stronger parent: the parent who said no; the parent who made decisions and stuck to them, even when it wasn’t easy or popular; the parent who often cried herself to sleep because she was certain that her daughters hated her, loved their dad more and would ultimately love whomever he ended up with and want that person to be their mom. But, as Molly’s essay pointed out, she and her sister always knew her to be the stronger parent. Even if they didn’t show it at the time, they respected her for her resoluteness. Yes, they thoroughly manipulated and took advantage of their father’s laissez-faire parenting, but they knew who had the strength and power in their world – who made it all happen. Their mom was their rock, their safe place, and when they became parents, they wanted to be just like her.

Stay healthy. Try not to allow toxicity to infect your custodial time or your parenting experience. Roll with the punches, as much as is reasonably possible, and see whether you can turn negative experiences into opportunities to teach your child something valuable. If you sign up and pay for piano lessons, and your ex continuously fails (or refuses) to facilitate practice or to take your child to those lessons on his/her days, learn from the experience. When scheduling the next activity, see whether the class or instructor can be flexible and offer alternate weeks, so you can go on your days only and not have to depend on anyone else. At a certain point, your kids will be of an age where they can take some responsibility for their commitments. But for now, ask your kids, “Do you want to take piano?” If the answer is “Yes,” then make certain they understand the commitment involved with practicing and attending lessons.

My friend Cyrus’ ex was angry, and she co-parented with a vengeance. Despite that it made her son uncomfortable, she generally “forgot” to pack his pajamas or special blanket, when it was Cyrus’ custodial time. At the outset, Cyrus would get frustrated, text his ex about what an asshole she was and let her behavior set the course for his precious time with their son. Eventually, Cyrus figured out how to replicate the special blanket, stocked up on PJ’s and anything else necessary for peaceful overnights. Most importantly, he taught his son, at a relatively early age, how to go through and make a list of anything and everything he wanted to pack to bring to his dad’s house. Now, his 18-year-old has gone off to university a super well-adjusted college student who is organized, responsible and makes a mean checklist.

The definition of co (as in co-parenting) is “together, mutually in common.” Cooperation, compromise, co-exist, communication all start with co, and each lends itself to a successful co-parenting relationship. Navigating the obstacle course of parenting can be exhausting – particularly when your co-parent is not much of a co. But as they say, parenting is the best job you will ever have. If you cannot adjust and adapt to the daily trials and tribulations, you are short-changing your child and yourself. Remind yourself why you procreated with your ex in the first place and try to see the good in her/him – even when it’s tough. Then, think about how happy you are that your interactions with this person are limited to those that involve your offspring. Do your best to get through them with grace and strength of character.

You got this.

Source: https://blog.itsovereasy.com/co-parenting-asshole-someone-things-much-differently/

Help! My Spouse Just Asked for a Divorce

Here's how not to blow your chances of getting things back on track

Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants to leave you. (By the way, it’s never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save the marriage … even therapy. However, what if it your spouse says “I’m done?”

As the saying goes – it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing.

Top 10 Things You SHOULD NOT Do If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:

1. Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
2. Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
3. Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
4. Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
5. Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
6. Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
7. Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
8. Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
9. Do not say "I Love You." Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or "pushy."
10. Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!

Here Are the Top 10 Things You SHOULD DO If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:

1. Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful. Muster up the best attitude you can.
2. Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
3. Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
4. Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
5. Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
6. Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
7. Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
8. Do allow your spouse come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
9. Do not engage in arguments. Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this. You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation...then do it!)
10. Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor (with experience with couples). Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.

It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.

Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent with these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place. What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing from your spouse?

It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. You need to essentially change first. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.

Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain.

Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/help-spouse-asked-for-a-divorce-4047516

5 tips for celebrating the holidays with a blended family

Managing the holidays post-divorce is no easy feat. 'Tis the season for tricky schedules and heightened emotions. Here's how to cope.


I love Christmas. Yup, I’m one of those people: belting out schlocky tunes in the car, searching for the perfect ceiling-scraper of a tree, bawling my way through It’s a Wonderful Life. But the emotional and logistical strain wrapped up with the holidays at our house — courtesy of my husband’s four kids from two exes, in addition to our own two little ones — can bring out the Scrooge in me.

There was the time my husband’s then-five-year-old son called to tell us excitedly about the Pokémon toy Santa had delivered — the exact same one waiting for him under our tree. Or the year a tipsy ex-number-one called in the middle of our Christmas Eve party to shout that there was no way she was driving downtown to pick up the kids the next day. You get the picture.

Even for the most happily married couples, the holidays can be fraught with conflict and compromise. It can be exponentially more complicated for the approximately 776,000 Canadian parents who are divorced or separated and raising kids without a new partner. Then there are the blended families — almost 13 percent of Canada’s 3.7 million two-parent families are stepfamilies, like mine. Negotiating how to share the kids is never easy, but this is a time of year when it can be hardest to let go. “Christmas is a tough time because there is a lot of tradition and ritual around how the holidays are managed,” says Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce, a book she was inspired to write after her own acrimonious split. “But you have to share it. That’s how you have to look at effective co-parenting.”

Here’s how to ensure your festive season is filled with merriment—not resentment — this year.

1. Make a plan

If you haven’t set a holiday schedule by the time you read this, do it now. “You don’t want the kids to have any angst about what they’re going to be doing at Christmas,” says Moskovitch, who also founded a divorce coaching service. Sit down with your ex and bring a calendar (and, if necessary, a neutral third party, like a professional mediator or trusted mutual friend) to figure out exactly how you’re going to divvy up the holiday break, right down to whether the kids are being picked up or dropped off, at what time, and the things they’ll need to pack. “It can be fluid and change, but it gets rid of any miscommunication,” says Moskovitch.

Trevor Pereira and his ex-wife made their Christmas schedule part of the separation agreement they drew up seven years ago. In even years, he has their two kids for Christmas Eve and morning, then hands them off at noon. In odd years, he picks them up from their mom’s house, still in their pyjamas, and takes them home for brunch and more presents. (To help avoid the aforementioned Pokémon scenario, Pereira and his ex go over the kids’ wish lists together each year to decide who’s going to buy what and how much they’ll spend.) “It’s sad either way,” admits Pereira, an IT specialist from Brantford, Ont. “Either you don’t have them in the morning or you don’t have them in the evening. But at least we both still see them on Christmas Day.”

Luckily for Pereira and his ex, they live in the same town. For co-parents who live in different cities, or even different provinces, it’s not so simple. If you have to kiss your kids goodbye for the entire holiday, says Moskovitch, “make sure you can call and talk to them. They’ll want to know you’re OK.”

2. Focus on the kids

Eileen Ailon, a psychologist and mediator in Calgary, specializes in helping high-conflict couples resolve parenting and custody issues. To keep her clients focused on what’s best for the kids, she sometimes places a picture of the little ones on the table during a session and asks: “What do you think they would really enjoy? What would work for them?”
That can be as simple as letting the kids call mom on Christmas eve or attend a special holiday event with Dad. For mom Maureen Palmer, the answer was more extreme. When she and her husband split up, their daughters, then aged 15 and 10, stayed behind in Edmonton with their dad while palmer took a job as a TV producer in Vancouver. She’d do homework with them every night over the phone and fly back to Alberta for four or five days twice a month (a schedule she kept up for a decade).

“Christmas was very, very big in our family,” she says, and her girls weren’t ready to let that go. So for two weeks every Christmas, she would camp out in her ex-husband’s basement—once even with her boyfriend in tow. “I sort of took over and did Christmas the same way we did when we were married,” says palmer, who went on to make the documentary How to Divorce and Not Wreck the Kids. It wasn’t easy being a guest in her former home, and her need to impose her version of “order” on her ex’s household created tension. “But Christmas morning was so kid-centred, and we both enjoyed their joy so much, that how we felt about each other barely registered,” says Palmer. “We didn’t want them to feel any of the tension kids who are pulled between two households feel.”

While you should always keep the kids’ preferences in mind, Ailon cautions parents against giving them too much input into how they spend the holidays. Kids don’t want the burden of choice “because they know it’s going to make one of the parents really unhappy,” she says. “They’ll tell each parent whatever they feel he or she wants to hear. For most children, that’s a nightmare.” What most kids crave is a predictable schedule that both parents seem happy with, even if that means putting on a brave face. Practise emotional restraint, maturity and leadership. “The most important thing is to continue to be loving parents, and to keep the conflict away from the kids,” says Ailon.

3. Create new traditions

Your holiday celebrations may have changed post-divorce, but it doesn’t mean they can’t continue to be magical. My husband’s first three children were five, three and one when they came to live with him full-time after the split. He didn’t have a ton of money, but he wanted to give them something new and special. Stockings belonged at their mom’s house (either on Christmas morning or afternoon, depending on the year). At their dad’s, a new tradition was born: The kids would tear apart the tree before present time, searching for their very own magic wand, which, when waved, would make packages from Santa appear in front of them. (I’ll never forget the first time I watched this ritual—how adorably frazzled he got trying to place the right gift in front of the right kid before they opened their eyes.) Though his children are grown now —the eldest is 25—come Christmas morning, the four of them still hunker down with their little sister and brother and wave their wands in the air, eyes shut tight.

Building new rituals is an important part of moving on—for you and your kids, says Moskovitch. “Regroup and think about how you want to celebrate the holidays together. Your kids’ traditions are changing, too, so get them happy with what you’re creating.” And though it will be painful, be prepared to let go of some of the activities you used to do before the divorce. In the early years after Moskovitch’s split, when her children were with their dad for the Jewish high holidays, “I’d sit at home saying, ‘Oh, they’re not doing this or that—they’re not celebrating the way I want them to,” she says. “But you can only control what happens when they’re in your environment. Don’t make them feel bad that they missed out on something when they come home.”

And no matter how sad or angry you are, never badmouth your ex in front of the kids. Save the rants for someone with no vested interest in your personal situation, like a therapist or support group. Similarly, Palmer recommends pinpointing what she calls your “negative advocate”—the well-meaning friend or family member who is constantly reminding you of what a jerk your ex is—and asking them to bite their tongue. “Your people love you and they want to be in your corner, but you don’t want to have those conversations,” says Palmer. “They just feed the animosity.”

4. Stay busy

If you’re going to be on your own for the holidays, be prepared. “Plan for it. Don’t think, ‘I’ll be OK,’” advises Pereira. “Because when you’re sitting there, watching those movies you’d typically watch with the kids, it hits you.” On his first childless Christmas Eve, Pereira was grateful to celeberate with other family and friends. These days, he indulges in a quiet evening at home: “I treat myself to something I love to eat and take some effort to pair wines.” Then he watches a favourite Christmas movie before climbing into bed early. Another tactic is to venture out: Volunteer at a homeless shelter, go on a trip or do something special for yourself.

5. Stay hopeful

As a kid, Precious Chong knew the meaning of “amicable divorce.” She spent holidays with her mom, dad, her dad’s first wife, and his older daughters. But Chong’s own split, when her son, Jack, was still a baby, was anything but amicable. Never in a million years did she think she and her ex would get to a good place.

Fast-forward six years, and Chong considers her ex, his new partner and their baby daughter part of the family. She now blogs about her co-parenting adventures and is circumspect about the situation. “My ex and I have a more meaningful relationship now that we’re not together than when were married,” she says.

Though they share Jack 50/50 and have regular family dinners together in Toronto, Christmas is still tricky. They’re supposed to alternate years, but Chong usually takes Jack, now seven, to visit her folks in Vancouver for two weeks over the holidays. “My parents are losing out on spending time with Jack, and my ex understands that,” she says. Sometimes she wishes they could just celebrate Christmas with Jack’s dad and his new family, “and no one would have to sacrifice anything.”

It isn’t perfect—no family is. Chong and her ex still squabble, and emotions can run high. (She was a wreck when Jack’s dad had a new baby, and cried when Jack gave his stepmom a nicer present for Mothers’ Day than he gave her.) But for parents bracing for their first holidays post divorce, Chong’s story is a hopeful one. “It sucks, it really sucks,” she says, describing those difficult early days. “Remember that just because things are hard now, it doesn’t mean it has to be that way forever.”

Somehow, I don’t think we’ll be clinking glasses with either of my husband’s exes this Christmas; that would take a Scrooge-sized miracle. But since having my own kids—and trying to imagine how hard it would be to spend the season without them—I’ve learned to be a bit more patient. Though maybe you should check back in after New Year’s.

Source: https://www.todaysparent.com/family/blended-families-celebrating-the-holidays/