Logistical Nightmares: How To Take Some Of The Challenge Out Of Co-Parenting

The key to peaceful co-parenting post-divorce lies in keeping the focus on what is best for the kids. Karen McMahon shows us how.

Many challenges of co-parenting post-divorce are universal whether you have an amicable divorce or not. Other more unique challenges are faced by those emerging from a contentious divorce and custody battle.

The key to peaceful co-parenting post-divorce lies in keeping the focus on what is best for the kids. In this article I address both the logistics and emotions of co-parenting with a person you were unable to stay married to.

On the logistical front, there are a number of issues that if addressed and agreed to upfront allow for a significantly more peaceful co-parenting experience:

1. Mutual Respect: Each parent respects the other parent in words and actions; NEVER use the children as a liaison to communicate with the other parent.
2. Education Agreement: Children will attend school on time, well-rested, fed and prepared for their day. They will have a time and place to study and complete their homework – with parent’s guidance if necessary. Textbooks, musical equipment, etc. are at the appropriate house for homework. Parents agree on how they will manage teacher conferences, school events, etc.
3. Shared Information: Each parent is well informed when the other is taking the children on vacation, away for the weekend, out of town/the country. Vacations with the children involve appropriate notice, sharing details location and contact information in case of emergency.
4. Health Care: Ensure doctor and dentist appointments are kept, information is shared and difficult decisions about medication and procedures are made in the best interest of the children.
5. Rules and Consequences: An agreement to enforce similar rules and consequences regardless of whose house the children are at.
6. Extracurricular Activities: Commitment to the children being prepared and on time for practices, games, recitals, concerts, etc; ensuring equipment is at the right house; both parents are aware of the schedule, location, contact information.
7. Social: Each parent has names and numbers of the children’s friends for playdates, invitations for birthday parties, etc.

Minimizing the Chaos

Married parents can get overwhelmed with all the dates, times, locations, activities, responsibilities and commitments of today’s busy children. Living in separate households can turn overwhelm into chaos.

I cannot tell you how many times in the early years of my divorce we were running late for soccer practice only to find out that my daughter’s cleats and shin guards were at daddy’s or worse, in daddy’s car and he wasn’t home!! Chaos ensued…tensions rose, we all got upset, accusations were flung back and forth…all over a soccer practice.

The same can happen with a textbook at the wrong house the night before a big test. Or the perfect pair of shoes or sweater for her cute outfit is at mommy’s house and no one scheduled in the mad rush across town before school starts…a tough way to begin the day.

One of the most amazing tools that saved my sanity was using an online scheduling program that enabled me to post our shared parenting schedule, the names and phone numbers of pediatricians, friends, coaches, etc. Our Family Wizard offers a one stop location for all the details of co-parenting. You can use one platform to communicate with your ex about changes in schedule, the cost of shared expenses, need for assistance in driving the kids to this weekend’s activities, etc. All without the need for dozens of phone calls back and forth.

Having Two…When Possible

The second aha for me and my ex was that while we only lived 10 blocks away, we were constantly driving to the other’s house before school, practice or tests. We realized the need and value in having DOUBLES…certain items in both households.

EQUIPMENT…having two sets of equipment (when affordable) makes life much easier. When that is not possible, having a special bag that is always packed and by the front door ready to go to mommy’s or daddy’s house keeps everyone calmer – and is great practice for the kids to learn to be organized and prepared (have your kids do it at an early age!!)

TEXTBOOKS…many schools deal are all to used to dealing with children from divorced families and will provide you with a textbook for each home. For those that cannot, creating a system ie. a packing list can reduce stress dramatically.

Note: Parenting children with special needs creates an even greater stress on both households. It’s not just the children, but the parents as well that need support and tool and there are amazing resources available for you.

All this being said, if you are in or emerging from a contentious divorce, many of these cooperative co-parenting strategies may seem like an impossibility. If communication with your ex often results in criticism, accusation, blame, and bitterness, make sure to read Co-parenting: Take Off Your Armor And Put Down Your Sword.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/logistical-nightmares-how-to-take-some-of-the-challenge-out-of-co-parenting-dg/

Co-parenting with an Asshole – Or Someone Who Does Things Much Differently Than You

Without question, one of the biggest hurdles in a divorce is how to deal with shared custody.

In many post-dissolution relationships, custody disputes are the gifts that just keep giving. And it’s not so much about physical custody or shared time, but, rather, the issues incident to legal custody: your children’s health, welfare, academics and the general topics that are sometimes tough to deal with, even when the parents are on the same page and under the same roof.

When parents split up, there are often shifts in thinking, with regard to many of the tacit agreements made during marriage. Your ex-wife’s agreement to immunize in the normal course falls by the wayside, when one of the members of her women’s group warns that vaccination equals autism. Your ex-husband’s agreement to raise the kids Jewish and get on the Bar/Bat Mitzvah track becomes a pipe dream. Decisions regarding which school your children will attend, in which extracurricular activities they will participate, whether or not they will go to sleep away summer camp, be allowed to use a cell phone, receive allowance or even pierce their ears, all become major debates that can open whole new channels of hatred between you and your co-parent.

As I have written in past articles, and told many a client and friend: pick your battles.
Although, it is true that there are few things more soul crushing than making it through a week of potty training, only to have your 2 ½ year old returned to you after a weekend in diapers.

I have a friend who tried to discipline her 15 year-old daughter by taking away her cell phone for a month, after my friend discovered a second, and far more salacious, Instagram account that her daughter had opened. Three days into the punishment, the teen arrived home from a weekend at Dad’s with a new phone, new number, new Instagram account(s). WTF?!

Why can’t parents get on the same page when it comes to raising their children? In some cases, it’s an intentionally passive aggressive (or massive aggressive) move to curry favor with the children and become the most loved parent. Sometimes, it’s a simple lack of consideration (the same kind of behavior that you loved so much when you were a couple). Or maybe it’s laziness about discipline and boundary setting. Whatever the reason, you cannot, in most instances, go running back to court for every infraction. Even if you could, many of the issues co-parents face are not enforceable by a court. (For better or worse, there are no pacifier police who will intervene after you have painstakingly weaned your toddler from the paci, and your ex pops one in his mouth because, during her custodial time, “He wouldn’t go to sleep without it and then….it looks so cute and seems to make him happy when he has it – what’s another couple of months?”)

Big-ticket items, however, like religion, academics and medical (the immunization debate goes on despite the laws enacted in many states that ALL children must be vaccinated in order to attend public and private schools) are within the Family Court’s jurisdiction to determine. But this is a costly endeavor. Not to mention, long after the gavel has banged, you are left to deal with a bitter parent who refuses to participate in church events, notwithstanding the court’s decision that your kids continue to attend Catholic school.

My office often advises parents to work with a co-parenting counselor who can help resolve difficult issues without the need for court intervention. Better communication tools, compromise and input from a neutral third party are all beneficial, in certain situations.
Many jurisdictions also give parties the ability to stipulate or agree to let the Court appoint a Special Master or Parenting Plan Coordinator, who has the discretion to make binding decisions on limited issues surrounding custody.

But really, this article is about the every day coping you do with someone who has equal power, but completely different ideologies about the most important beings in your universe.

A few things to keep in mind:

First, plenty of people were raised with only one good parent, and they turned out fine. Actually, some of the most accomplished people I know had little or no parental guidance. (I grew up in the 80’s.) Be the best parent YOU can be to your kids. Don’t spend so much time worrying about what is or isn’t going on over there.
Next, take the high road – no shit talking about your co-parent. Remember, the way your kids see it is that you bad-mouthing their other parent is you bad-mouthing a part of them. They can’t help that you chose someone with whom to share their DNA.

And hold strong. Be consistent. Set boundaries.

Kids crave consistency (even if they don’t know it), and psychologists tell us that boundaries make kids feel safe. Yeah, you will be the bad guy, the mean mom or uncool dad. But they will get it. They may already get it. While you may feel unappreciated for your efforts, believe me, your kids know. On some, perhaps even subconscious, level, they recognize. There is no need to shove it in their faces.

I have a friend from college, Molly. At her mom’s 60th, she made a toast. It was taken from an essay she wrote in college called, “Mom, I Always Knew.” It harkened back to when she was a kid. Her parents had split up, and she and her sister would spend Wednesdays and alternate weekends with their dad. He would let them wear make-up, stay up as late as they wanted, talking on their princess phone and watching TV in their room. He never made them cook or help clean up because they mostly went out to eat, and he had a housekeeper who came three days a week. At Molly’s mom’s house, there was only one phone line, and there was no TV in Molly’s room. She wasn’t allowed to watch TV on school nights. There were chores and a curfew and lots of yelling and eye rolling and door slamming. But Molly’s essay, and the toast she later shared with her mother and her 60th birthday party guests, spoke of the strength and sense of safety her “mean mom” imparted, simply by being the stronger parent: the parent who said no; the parent who made decisions and stuck to them, even when it wasn’t easy or popular; the parent who often cried herself to sleep because she was certain that her daughters hated her, loved their dad more and would ultimately love whomever he ended up with and want that person to be their mom. But, as Molly’s essay pointed out, she and her sister always knew her to be the stronger parent. Even if they didn’t show it at the time, they respected her for her resoluteness. Yes, they thoroughly manipulated and took advantage of their father’s laissez-faire parenting, but they knew who had the strength and power in their world – who made it all happen. Their mom was their rock, their safe place, and when they became parents, they wanted to be just like her.

Stay healthy. Try not to allow toxicity to infect your custodial time or your parenting experience. Roll with the punches, as much as is reasonably possible, and see whether you can turn negative experiences into opportunities to teach your child something valuable. If you sign up and pay for piano lessons, and your ex continuously fails (or refuses) to facilitate practice or to take your child to those lessons on his/her days, learn from the experience. When scheduling the next activity, see whether the class or instructor can be flexible and offer alternate weeks, so you can go on your days only and not have to depend on anyone else. At a certain point, your kids will be of an age where they can take some responsibility for their commitments. But for now, ask your kids, “Do you want to take piano?” If the answer is “Yes,” then make certain they understand the commitment involved with practicing and attending lessons.

My friend Cyrus’ ex was angry, and she co-parented with a vengeance. Despite that it made her son uncomfortable, she generally “forgot” to pack his pajamas or special blanket, when it was Cyrus’ custodial time. At the outset, Cyrus would get frustrated, text his ex about what an asshole she was and let her behavior set the course for his precious time with their son. Eventually, Cyrus figured out how to replicate the special blanket, stocked up on PJ’s and anything else necessary for peaceful overnights. Most importantly, he taught his son, at a relatively early age, how to go through and make a list of anything and everything he wanted to pack to bring to his dad’s house. Now, his 18-year-old has gone off to university a super well-adjusted college student who is organized, responsible and makes a mean checklist.

The definition of co (as in co-parenting) is “together, mutually in common.” Cooperation, compromise, co-exist, communication all start with co, and each lends itself to a successful co-parenting relationship. Navigating the obstacle course of parenting can be exhausting – particularly when your co-parent is not much of a co. But as they say, parenting is the best job you will ever have. If you cannot adjust and adapt to the daily trials and tribulations, you are short-changing your child and yourself. Remind yourself why you procreated with your ex in the first place and try to see the good in her/him – even when it’s tough. Then, think about how happy you are that your interactions with this person are limited to those that involve your offspring. Do your best to get through them with grace and strength of character.

You got this.

Source: https://blog.itsovereasy.com/co-parenting-asshole-someone-things-much-differently/

Single Fathers Who Support Their Children Without Any Reservations

SAN ANGELO,TX- Raising children as a single parent is never easy. It takes a motivated individual who can lead a household with the day-to-day duties of parenting, while also providing financial support through a full-time job.

According to a 2016 U.S.Census report, single mothers generally represent the majority of single parents. The report shows that out of 12 million single parent families in 2016, about 80 percent were single mothers (9,781,000 families), while single fathers represented 17 percent (2,033,000 families). Though single mothers represent the majority of single-parenting households, it’s important to account for single fathers who also run a household.


LIVE! spoke with two single fathers to get a better understanding of the challenges they face. Both parents preferred to remain anonymous for the sake of their children and families; therefore, LIVE! has changed their names for the purpose of the article.

In the first case, Bob provides for multiple children in his household. After divorcing from his wife, he saw his kids on alternating weekends.

His weekend began by picking up the kids from the mother’s house, and then going grocery shopping to buy all the necessities, including snacks, fruit and meals for the weekend. All of the preparation to maintain a clean house, on top of other duties, would have to be finished through the week with a full-time work schedule.

“I cooked all the time for [the kids],” Bob said. “We would eat and then I would get them prepped for the day; it’s something you just have to do.”


He noted that after the first two years of alternating weekend custody with his ex-wife, he received full custody of the children. After winning custody, Bob's children became a priority to him and he had to find a job that would give him flexible work hours. Thankfully, Bob soon found a job where he could decide his own hours, which allowed him to spend more time with his kids.

“I made sure to have a job were the employer understood my circumstances,” he explained. “If my kids were sick or needed anything, I knew I had their support with putting them first.”

Bob expressed how fortunate he was to find employers like this, as they were hard to find.
However, work can still be unpredictable. If Bob couldn’t get off work, he explained that he still had family members who could be available to help him with any immediate obligations.
“I was thankful to have help from my family during those stressful times,” he said.


Overall, having multiple children in one house can be financially straining. Bob explained that while transitioning into a single-parent household, he had to cut back on some luxuries to account for the new financial responsibility. Bob even had to trade in his pickup truck for a more economically reasonable car.

”You have to budget everything, from food, utilities to clothing,” he said.


Despite the hardships the kids had to endure during their parents' divorce, Bob mentioned the relationship with his kids is strong. Of course, "at the back of [my kids'] minds, they wanted us to get back together," Bob said, as "they miss their mother, but they also knew [the divorce] was for the best."

For Bob, he will do anything to help protect and support his kids.


"Every morning, I wake up and worry about my children," Bob said. "I can't give up; I keep going to make sure they are happy."

The second dad, James, is a father to a daughter whom he only sees on the weekends currently because of his job and school work. While he works on providing for his daughter financially and works to secure a future for them by getting a college education, his family helps care for his daughter. James' parents help him by getting his daughter to school during the work week and watching over her. James expressed his gratitude, saying, “Everyone involved is looking after her, and that takes a weight off my mind."

As James only has weekends together with his daughter, he actively seeks to be a part of her life. James constantly tells himself he works for her benefit. The time he spends away from her is challenging; however, he knows that in the end, the hardships will pay off.


“If I take care of myself financially, then I know she will be taken care of as well,” James said.


Motivating him through life's most challenging moments is the the love and support from his daughter. James is separated from his daughter’s mother, but knowing his child is looked after while he's away makes the transition easier. He said his daughter understands he is busy during the week, and it make the time they have together all the more special.

“I’m a phone call away, and I’m always ready to leave if she ever needs me,” James noted.
He said one key distinction in the relationship of father and daughter is wanting to be a role model.

“You want to be seen as their hero,” James said.
At the end of the week, he knows providing for her is a responsibility that he upholds without any doubt.

“I’ve been fortunate enough to provide for her with everything that she needs,” James added.


As a single dad who works throughout the week and is in the midst of pursuing a college education, many people have questioned his choices; however, he feels that, in the long run, his aspirations for a Ph.D. will open up more opportunities for his daughter.


“I’ve been able to network with people in my career, and this has also helped me grow as a person,” James said. “I believe these experiences have made me a better parent.”
Instead of working a job with limited opportunities to excel, James wanted to pursue a career he was passionate about.

“I don’t want to look back and think that I could have done more for her,” James said. “I want to do the best for my daughter.”

Source: http://sanangelolive.com/news/san-angelo/2017-03-22/single-fathers-who-support-their-children-without-any-reservations

My first Christmas… without my children

How I have planned a different kind of Christmas, post-marriage breakup, apart from my young sons

When I finally agreed to let my soon-to-be-ex husband have our children this Christmas, my next decision was not to stay home. Somehow it's more depressing to attempt the familiar Christmas minus the main players than to overhaul the whole thing. Very kindly, several friends invited me. My friend India seemed like the best fit because, like me, she is deranged about Christmas, always going the whole hog and then some – I didn't want to make Christmas low-key and gloomy just because I'm getting divorced. And she has a big, messy, loving family that is by no means without its divorces, separations and step-parents. It seemed the only way I could face Christmas without my own family and not feel like the tragic spinster aunt for whom everyone feels a bit sorry (I cannot bear pity, and Christmas has brought out the dreaded head tilt in even the most well-intentioned loved ones).

I'll be Skyping my children throughout Christmas, but I am tearfully sad not to be able to pour the sherry for Santa (and later drink it), be there when bulging stockings are discovered, try again in vain to sell sprouts as an idea, pull crackers then use sticky tape to make the paper crowns small enough to stay on their little heads, and cuddle up in front of Wallace & Gromit. Being away from one's children at Christmas feels very wrong and it never occurred to me that I might one day experience it. My parents, despite separating when I was tiny, always spent Christmas Day together and it's only now that I realise the gesture (not without its behind-the-scenes tensions, I expect) was meaningful to me. I hope one day to achieve the same. I'd like our boys to remember Christmas as a family occasion, not a splintered gathering spread over 250 miles.

But for this year at least, our kids will celebrate two Christmases, that modern ritual disingenuously and guiltily sold to children as a treat, when in fact it's often the only tolerable way for separated parents to cope. I sat my children down in November and asked if they'd like to spend Christmas Day with Granny, Grandad and Daddy; and celebrate another on New Year's Eve with me. After I assured them that Father Christmas had been given both addresses, they agreed almost too readily. They seem to realise that two whole days instead of a fragmented and forced one is a better deal.

But even when celebrating apart, it's vital that parents remain a team. It's important not to engage in one-upmanship when it comes to presents, say. I can see how easily it might happen, but that way madness lies. As the mother (a single one with a drastically reduced cashflow, at that), I'm more likely to be the annoying one who gives much-needed new slippers and pants, while my ex would instinctively be the superstar who buys them touchscreen tablets. So if boring and underwhelming gifts must be bought, then we're in it together. Everything not from Father Christmas will be tagged from both of us, whether it's a toothbrush or an action figure.

There's no denying that the practicalities of Christmas are less fun post-separation. I can't get the decorations down because the loft has no ladder (my husband used to risk a broken neck in a feat of acrobatics). Instead, I hurriedly bought a pile of cheap supermarket decorations and decorated the tree alone, as though it were just another chore rather than a meaningful family ritual. The next day, our children's Christmas concert – always a soggy-necked display of intense love and pride – wasn't shared by my husband, and I felt sad and guilty to be there alone. At home, I keep staring at the flatpack box containing table football and fooling myself that successful assembly is achievable, despite the fact that just holding an Allen key has historically caused something akin to a breakdown in me. Perhaps most trickily, the financial cost of Christmas is obscene – even when exercising restraint – and post-separation, with a terrifyingly expensive divorce looming, I've had to budget very carefully, buying a couple of presents a week over several months.

But even for me, bereft of my family, the arrangement is not without some perks. I haven't had to buy gifts for my in-laws (it's an unfair state of affairs that when a woman marries, she is instantly assumed to be responsible for all birthdays and celebrations on both sides of the family), and any presents under the tree will be opened Hughes-style in the afternoon, not the morning as my ex's family insisted. Most cheeringly, I will get to see my new partner even though, a few Christmases ago, another relationship seemed an impossibility. He's an important reminder that Christmas doesn't end with the end of a marriage, it just changes. And if, like me, you truly love the festive season, you'll have an unwavering belief that the best gifts are always yet to come.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/21/christmas-without-children-post-divorce

How divorced parents can help their children survive the holidays

I have yet to meet a parent who isn’t a little stressed when it comes to managing the demands of seasonal events and holiday schedules. Usually this time of year is filled with special school programs, holiday parties, gift exchanges, children’s plays or special celebrations such as Kwanzaa, Chanukah, Christmas, New Years and Boxing Day. Unfortunately, when you are parenting children out of two homes, stress levels can easily reach an all-time high between you and your ex during the holiday season.

You may also discover this time of year stirs up lots of different feelings for your children. If this is their first Christmas following your separation or divorce, keep in mind the loss of the family may hit them very hard. While you can’t take away the pain your children feel, how you spend the first holiday after a separation or divorce can really impact children’s perception about family change.

Too often parents get caught up in issues like who is buying what or dividing up the holidays. One of the best things you can do for your kids is use this time to rebuild a sense of family. Kids need to know that life will go on and they’re going to be okay. While your child’s perceived loss of ‘family’ may hit them very hard during this time of year there are ways you can help your children manage the experience in a healthy way.

To keep things in perspective, stress in check and children’s needs at the top of your holiday list, here are some “sanity saving” tips.

Keep your emotions in check

This holiday season your children will be taking their cues from you. Keep in mind, holidays won’t be hard just for your children; they may also be hard for you. Make sure you are paying attention to your feelings and needs this holiday season. Take stock of where you might need a little extra support and create a plan for taking care of those needs.
Remember silence isn’t always golden

Be sure you talk with your children and let them know what the holiday will look like for your family this year. While it may seem like an obvious thing to do, have a discussion about what will be different and what will stay the same. It can also helpful to discuss with kids what’s most important to them this holiday season but also what will be hardest parts. Although it’s incredibly difficult to see your children struggle, avoiding the conversation often makes things harder for kids.

Focus on creating meaning not madness

This year, focus on what matters most and avoid pushing yourself into holiday overdrive. Find ways to slow down, cut back on obligations and place quality time with your children at the top of your holiday to do list. While Aunt Edna may not be happy you missed her holiday party, it’s not the end of the world. Focus your energy on strengthening relationships with your children and helping them feel reassured that life will go on.

Let less stress be your guide

Lots of parents facing their first Christmas after a separation or divorce wonder if they should spend special holiday events together for their children. While it’s great when both parents can participate in special occasions, it’s only a good thing when parents can manage the event well and keep it tension free. Regardless of what you do this season, do your best to minimize potential conflicts and let your children’s needs guide your holiday planning.

Different doesn’t have to be devastating.

While routines are important some times adopting an “out with the old” philosophy isn’t a bad idea. Instead of putting you or your children in a situation where you’re just going through the motions, consider a different approach. Ask yourself, which holiday traditions are worth hanging on to and where there might be room for change. Remember you don’t have to re-shape the whole holiday. Rather think about doing one thing different that you and your children can enjoy together. (i.e. like going bowling Christmas day, spending the day in your pajamas, eating pancakes for dinner one night or volunteering time to help someone less fortunate)

While these tips offer a good head start on the holidays it is by no means exhaustive. What other sanity saving tips or suggestions do you have for getting through the holiday season?

Source: http://www.divorceandchildren.com/how-divorced-parents-can-help-their-children-survive-the-holidays/

Column: Shared Parenting is what's best for children

Jason McLean, an attorney with Gjesdahl Law in Fargo, penned a letter in Sunday's Forum regarding HB 1392, the shared parenting bill.

The bill reflects social science evidence, which finds that children's best interests are served when each fit, able and willing parent is involved at least 35 percent of the time with the children. The scientists who publish these outcomes stake their professional reputations on factual interpretation of research data.

The bill states the divorce/child custody process will begin with a presumption of 35-50 percent time with each parent, reflective of the best child outcome research. It's important to understand a presumption does not mean shared parenting is a requirement. The bill attends to situations in which this isn't in the children's best interests, as is written in current law.

McLean takes exception to the word presumption in the bill. Presumption, as defined in Webster's New World College Dictionary: "Law the inference that a fact exists, based on the proved existence of other facts." Seems like using scientific evidence, the children's benefits of spending at least 35 percent of the time with each parent, is a pretty good reference for "other facts."

Having recently witnessed the current divorce process, it is nearly perfectly designed to generate and encourage conflict between divorcing parents, and inflict emotional and financial harm to the parents. In this divorce case, once the process accomplished what it was designed to do, and attorneys and the parental investigator were finished, the two parents now co-parent very well, respectfully and courteously, with the children's best interests above all else. They do so despite the process, not because of it.

This bill changes the divorce focus to the children. In most cases, both parents are fit, able and willing. Divorcing couples will be directed away from battle, and encouraged to understand that each parent should be involved with the children. Attorneys, parental investigators and courts will be guided in the same direction. The incentive to initiate the divorce process with fault-finding and finger-pointing will be redirected to focusing on cooperative parenting. The emotional and financial costs of most divorces will be reduced.

Just as did McLean, I, too, would like to leave readers with two sets of numbers: 15-0 and 71-21. The House Judiciary Committee, having heard the for and against arguments for the bill, including McLean's against argument, recommended "Do Pass" 15-0. The full House of Representatives voted 71-21 to pass the bill. The members of these bodies understood this bill is for the children and the parents. Please lend support and inform your senator you understand that children fare best when both parents are involved.

Source: http://www.inforum.com/opinion/4226908-column-shared-parenting-whats-best-children

What to Say About an Absent Dad

"Dad questions" come suddenly and at unlikely moments.

Unfortunately, there are no magic answers to your kids' questions because the circumstances that lead to solo mothering differ widely.

For some moms, solo motherhood was a deliberate life choice. Such moms may have used reproductive technology or simply planned their pregnancies with a cooperative partner. Other women become solo moms by chance. What began as a shocking surprise evolves into a welcome and life-changing event. Divorced moms often cope with dads who are only inconsistently present or entirely absent in their kids' lives. Other divorced dads rush into another relationship and create "new" families that sadly – and predictably – don't include the kids from a previous marriage. Exclusive relationships sometimes break up leaving the mom unexpectedly and disproportionately responsible for raising the kids.

If you feel angry or upset just anticipating these questions, make addressing your own emotional needs a priority.

Begin by writing down exactly what fuels your anger or brings tears to your eyes. Express your disappointments, regrets and sadness over how your expectations were never met. To add a healing and ritualistic touch, consider shredding or burning what you've written. If you decide to keep what you've written, take care your kids don't inadvertently stumble upon your private writings. If you chose to vent your feelings online, that's your personal choice.

No matter what path you choose, it's challenging to express and sort out painful feelings. If you feel overwhelmed or increasingly upset, seek help through a support group or from a mental health professional. Taking these brave steps forward will ensure you'll be ready to answer your kids' inevitable questions about their dad.

Here's what you need to know to get ready:

Know what to expect. Most kids begin asking Dad questions around the age of 4 or 5. Before that, kids believe all families are just like theirs. Kids at this age begin to notice different types of families at day care and at neighborhood or extended family gatherings. Of course, media influence kids' perceptions, too.

Begin the conversation by talking about what makes your family unique. Build on your kids' observations by talking up the unique advantages and positive qualities of different family types. Celebrating differences in other families sets the stage for your talks about your own unique family. Instill in your kids respect for the life choices other people make.

Keep your conversations age-appropriate. Stick to basic facts. Keep your explanations simple. Your kids are unlikely to understand what commitment, trust or intimacy mean. Reveal more information slowly as your kids mature. Avoid changing the subject when their questions persist or are posed at inopportune times. Kids often ask the same questions repeatedly. It's fine to say you simply don't know or to turn the question around and ask your kids what they think might be the answer. Above all, listen patiently to encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.

Don't lie. Lying never works. When kids eventually discover the truth, the loss of a present and loving dad will be compounded by their loss of trust in you.

Strive to remain positive. Keeping your message positive will be incredibly demanding, especially if their dad is neglectful or routinely dodges his responsibilities. Kids who have been neglected or abandoned will express rage, hurt and anger. Comfort them as only a mother can. Resist the urge to say things which may be factually true, but terribly hurtful to your kids.

Think long term. Staying positive to protect your kids requires all the strength and maturity you can muster. Look for opportunities to say positive and truthful things about their dad. Keep in mind that everything you say about Dad becomes part of how your kids view themselves. So, when you take the high road, your kids gain added measures of happiness and confidence. Think of harsh words about their dad as sharp arrows. Protect your kids from such wounding words just as you would protect them from physical danger.

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-06-29/what-to-say-about-an-absent-dad

Children Without Fathers Are Likelier to Be Stressed

When a father is not physically present in a child’s life — due to death, divorce, incarceration or another reason — the child is more likely to have shorter telomeres, a part of human DNA that’s linked to stress and disease.

In the groundbreaking new study, researchers from the University of Princeton found that, at age 9, children who were in a fatherless situation had telomeres that were 14 percent shorter on average than other children whose fathers were not absent.

Telomeres, which mark the end point of a chromosome, “are thought to reflect cell aging and overall health,” report the researchers. The main job of telomeres is to protect DNA after a cell divides. Other studies have implicated shortened telomeres with heart disease and cancer.

To gain their findings, the Princeton researchers analyzed a group of about 5,000 children whose health and social status have been under observation for more than a dozen years. While they found that the absence of a father was linked to shorter telomeres no matter the cause, the most significant impact appears to occur in situations where the father has died. In that case, telomere length was 16 percent shorter on average.

The researchers surmise that financial hardship and emotional duress may be contributing to the children’s stress marks in their DNA.

“The father is being removed from the life of the child and that is plausibly associated with an increase in stress, for both economic and emotional reasons,” said Notterman, a senior research scholar and lecturer with the rank of professor of Molecular Biology.

The researchers discovered that the biggest adverse impact occurred among boys who lost their fathers before the age of 5. Overall, the impact on boys appears to be of a larger magnitude than on girls.

The study holds wide implications for public policy, notes Notterman.

“The fact that there is an actual measurable biological outcome that is related to the absence of a father makes more credible the urgency of public policy efforts to maintain contact between children and fathers,” he said.

Such social policy, such as high incarceration rates, would inevitably come into scope given the short-term negative impact that an absent father has on a child.

“The importance of these findings for research on the social sources of health — and health disparities — in the United States can hardly be overstated,” said Christopher Wildeman, an associate professor of Policy Analysis and Management in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University and the co-director of the National Data Archive on Child Abuse and Neglect.

“By showing that three causes of paternal absence decrease telomere length, a core biological indicator of health, the authors are able to provide insight into a direct biological channel through which paternal absence could affect the health of their children,” Wildeman added.

Notterman also hopes that the study gives public policy experts more insight into challenging and complex life situations faced by many children throughout the United States.

“We all know that resources are limited and are becoming more limited,” Notterman said. “But by understanding that a social and familial phenomenon — the loss of a father — has biological effects which are plausibly linked with the future well-being of a child, we now have a rationale for prioritizing resource allocations to the children who are most vulnerable.”

Source: https://vitalupdates.com/children-without-fathers-likelier-stressed/

Divorce And Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids

Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids — sometimes it’s excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:

1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.

2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.

3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.

4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.

5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit. 

So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/divorce-and-kids-5-ways-d_n_1519485.html

Developing Co-Parenting Plans

The organisation of cooperative parenting schedules.

A co-parenting plan is a written document that outlines how parents will raise their children after separation or divorce. Developed with the best interests of children in mind, a co-parenting plan details how much time children will spend time with each parent, scheduling details, how major and minor decisions about children will be made, exchanges of information and ongoing communicate about the children, children’s extra-curricular activities, and how parental disputes will be resolved. A written plan will help all family members to know what is expected of them and will be a valuable reference as time passes and family circumstances change.

There are numerous formats and templates for developing a co-parenting plan, but the key to successful co-parenting is to focus on the needs of the children, particularly their need to maintain routine relationships with each parent and to be shielded from ongoing parental conflict. There is no one “best” co-parenting plan that families should adopt and follow, as much depends on the unique circumstances and specific needs of family members. Some of the key issues that have to be addressed when putting together a parenting plan include the ages of the children and their developmental needs, the children’s school schedules and extracurricular activities, the parents’ work schedules, scheduling for holidays and summer vacations, the distance of the parents’ homes from each other, and any special needs of the children (such as disabilities or health concerns). Most often, it is best for a parenting plan to be as specific as possible. For example, with both routine weekly/monthly schedules, as well as specific holiday schedules, the exact times for pickup and return of the children, as well as where the exchange will take place (at a parent’s home or in a neutral location, for instance), need to be spelled out in detail. Of course, if parents are able to accommodate each other comfortably, they may not need to follow the parenting plan to the letter, but in the majority of cases, where there is some degree of friction, specificity is important.

In my own practice, I focus parent on five main dimensions of co-parenting, three time dimensions and two aspects of decision-making.  These will constitute the heart of the final parenting plan. Time dimensions include (1) overnight stays (how many will there be with each parent?); (2) routine time (the actual time the child and parent spend together in the daily routines of caretaking and parenting); and (3) activity time (time spent together in recreational and special activities). Difficulties are likely to arise if one parent has little activity time but the main responsibility for routine time, or vice-versa, or if all overnights are with only one parent.  It is also important to separate out the school year, holidays, and special days and observances for each of these time dimensions. Parental decision-making includes (1) daily decisions made in the course of daily child-rearing; and (2) major decisions (including schooling, religious affiliation and training, and major medical decisions). Again, a plan in which one parent has power to make major decisions without any responsibility for day-to-day decisions can be highly problematic.

How best to begin the process of formulating a co-parenting plan? One possibility is for each of the parents to draft a proposal with respect to the five dimensions of post-divorce parenting, and then come together to compare the lists and begin to negotiate. Another option is to have each parent work through a time survey—for example, outlining what a typical week would look like when the child is living with them, and then come together in mediation to compare their lists.  This kind of exercise helps parents consider what will be involved in parenting as separate entities, think about their strengths and deficiencies as caretakers, and identify the skills they will need to be able to carry through their co-parenting plan.

While parenting plans take many forms, it is important to include the following five clauses in the written agreement:

(1) A general statement to begin the agreement: The parents will cooperatively share the parenting of the children, with co-parenting defined as having two core elements:  shared responsibility for important decision-making as well as the daily routine parenting of the children, and parental cooperation with respect to same.  This includes respect for one another's parenting style and authority; that is, parents agree to say or do nothing that will harm the relationship of the other parent with their children.  A helpful clause to include in this section is, "The parents agree to foster love and affection between their children and the other parent."

(2) Sharing of parental responsibilities: The parents agree to confer on all important matters affecting the welfare of the children, including education, health, and religious upbringing.  They agree that each will have access to medical and school records. There should also be a clause saying that day-to-day decisions are the responsibility of the parent with whom the child is living.

(3) The specifics of the actual time-sharing and residential arrangement: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(4) Details regarding holidays and special days and observances: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(5) The agreement time period, and amendments to the agreement: End with a clause indicating the length of the agreement, and that the plan will be reexamined at a later fixed time, or from time to time.  If no revisions are deemed necessary after the agreed time period, the agreement is automatically renewable.  A clause specifying the manner in which parents will settle disputed issues in the future, with an emphasis on cooperation and a return to mediation if necessary, is also essential.

Explicit guidelines for co- parenting can be developed at the time the co-parenting plan is drafted.  These may include: respect the other's parenting rules; avoid criticizing the other parent, directly or indirectly;  avoid placing a child in the middle of an argument or using a child as a messenger;  stick to the time-sharing schedule and keep promises, but also be flexible in a way that meets the children's and the other parent's needs (try to accommodate the other parent's request for changes, but the other parent should remember that even small changes to the schedule that occur with little forewarning can cause major problems);  make transitions as comfortable as possible for the child (be positive about the child's stay with the other parent;  be courteous with the other parent;  once the child settles back in, let her talk freely about the other parent or the other home);  and respect each other's privacy (keep contacts and communications restricted to set times, and to child-related matters).

While the co-parenting plan should usually be highly structured at the beginning, over time, flexibility, creativity, and compromise should be encouraged.  Changes to the plan over time are inevitable; parenting arrangements will require reevaluation and change over time, based on children's changing developmental needs and the parents' own changing circumstances.

Contingency planning sets the stage for needed future changes.  Potential obstacles and areas of conflict regarding parenting can be anticipated; issues such as changing job demands, relocation, and how to deal with children's changing developmental needs need to be discussed.  Remarriage or cohabitation and stepfamily formation may affect co-parenting in a significant way, as the problem of mistrust often reemerges when new members join the family

Once a co-parenting plan has been negotiated and drafted, it should be implemented for a specified trial period, anywhere between 6-12 months.  At the end of the trial period, the plan is reviewed and made permanent, modified, or abandoned.  It is important to know that the plan you initially negotiate is not irrevocable.

Establishing a routine and an environment conducive to children's adaptation to the new co-parenting arrangement are critical tasks for both parents.  Children are generally anxious to know the specifics of their new routine, and the predictability of a clear schedule facilitates adaptation.  They also prefer to develop a sense of "belonging" in both of  their parents’ homes, and will adapt more easily if they have a place of their own in each house, which they have helped in creating.  Other important considerations include deciding on children's items that need to be duplicated (toothbrushes, nightclothes, school supplies, diapers and baby supplies for infants), those that are divided between the two homes (shoes and clothing apportioned in measure with how much time is spent in each residence, toys, books), and those that will go back and forth between the two homes (cherished toys,  bicycles, musical instruments).

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201510/developing-co-parenting-plans

5 Positive Lessons Children Learn From Divorce

Many parents worry their divorce will negatively effect their children. However, one psychologist says divorce can have a positive impact on kids.

Your parents, a best friend, perhaps even yourself—most Canadians have had some experience with divorce. In 2008, Statistics Canada estimated that 41 percent of Canadian marriages would end in divorce before their 30th wedding anniversaries.

Despite this forecast, the actual number of divorces in Canada declined between 2007 and 2008—the most recent years studied by Statistics Canada—but the heartbreak that accompanies a divorce is still very real for many Canadian children. Thankfully, not all kids grow up to carry scars from their parents' split. Here are five positive life lessons children can learn following a divorce.

1. They become resilient and adaptable

For Gabrielle Domingues, a Toronto media specialist and married mother of two, her parents' divorce taught her how to roll with life's changes. "Divorce made me more adaptable to varying lifestyle situations," she says. "My dad lived in a different city for years, so I was more attuned to having more than one resting place with different people and things. That's a useful skill to have."

Dr. Lisa Ferrari, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, says Gabrielle's hunch is bang on. "A natural byproduct of going through divorce is that you are required to be more adaptive," she says. "You're in a situation where you have to develop coping strategies to deal with physical and psychological space transitions."

Often, children of divorce grow up having to develop coping strategies that their non-divorce counterparts wouldn't encounter until years later, if at all. "Having to overcome these obstacles and having to deal with change makes some children of divorce more resilient in life," says Dr. Ferrari.

2. They become more self-sufficient

Tara Richmond, a married mother to a six-year-old son and a marketing and media consultant in Collingwood, ON, found that her parents' divorce made her more confident in her own abilities. "Having a mother working full time after my parents' split taught me how to be more self-sufficient," she says. "I went home after school by myself and often started dinner. At age 11, I was doing laundry, and small grocery shops. I really relished my time alone at home. I got to know myself."

The new economic challenges that come with having a single-parent income often result in the child becoming more responsible for household chores. "It's logical that divorce offspring would view themselves as more self-sufficient, and see this strength as a positive outcome of their parents' divorce," says Dr. Ferrari.

3. They develop an increased sense of empathy toward others

A change in the family unit can make some children more sympathetic to the problems of others. "I think I am more accepting of people, their situations and circumstances," says Tara. "My parents were the first of my friends or family to get a divorce. It was 1980, so there was still a stigma."

Dr. Ferrari says that she sees this caring trait in the kids of divorce who frequent her practice. "When their peers have family problems, it's very relatable for them," she says. "I find that they can be quite empathetic."

4. The idea of marriage isn't taken for granted

"Coming from divorced parents, I have a heightened understanding to the stakes [in marriage], which hopefully makes me a more conscientious spouse," says Gabrielle. I feel a certain pride that my marriage is strong and happy when my parents' wasn't, like I'm succeeding where they didn't."

"I'm not surprised that's something Gabrielle's proud of," says Dr. Ferrari. "Even at a young age, kids want to create something different after they've experienced the hurt that comes from the separation of their parents. They say that they're going to do this better than their parents, or not do it at all. Gabrielle's doing it, and she's changing her history."

5. They learn more through quality time spent with each parent

Not all kids of divorce spend less time with their parents. "I got to know my parents on a different level by spending so much time with them individually," says Tara. "I think my relationship with each of them became closer and we learned a lot about each other."
Like Tara, the kids in Dr. Ferrari's practice often mention this plus. "The biggest positive I hear from the kids and see first hand is that they spend more time with dad, especially if their family structure was more traditional [pre-divorce]," she says. "When the parents move into a shared role, the kids find they get more time with their fathers."

While it's more common for a child, or adult, to recount negatives from their parents' divorce, Dr. Ferrari says that the legal community is adopting changes that suit the children's best interests. Hopefully, these adjustments will facilitate more positive outcomes. "We're moving towards alternate dispute resolution processes such as mediation, so parents can go through divorce without involving court," she says. "Engaging in co-parenting therapy lets mom and dad commit to parenting the kids the same way, despite no longer being married to one another. These changes are positive for kids."

Source: http://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/5-positive-lessons-children-learn-from-divorce

8 financial tips for men getting a divorce

In TV shows and movies, the typical divorce narrative is to portray women as celebrated victims. Meanwhile, men are depicted as silent sufferers who feel resentment, anger, depression and fear over lingering financial issues, relationship turmoil and worries over breaking up their families.

Off camera, the truth is that men don't always have the tools — or the support — to deal with these very real concerns.

"Divorce is difficult for everyone involved, but it can be especially challenging for men who don't typically express their feelings," says David Blaylock, a LearnVest Planning Services certified financial planner™. "They want to keep their divorces private — and that's not a good policy. You want a support system in place, just like any other major life change."

Sure, the old adage is true: Time heals all wounds. But good advice helps too. The more men know about what to expect when they're dissolving their marriages, the easier the process can be. So we consulted Bari Zell Weinberger, a matrimonial attorney at Weinberger Law Group, as well as Blaylock, for the key dos and don'ts of what men need to know about the financial side of divorce.

1. Do know the numbers

For an average divorce, Weinberger says you should expect to pay about no less than $20,000, which includes lawyers and experts, real estate costs to divvy up shared marital property, finding a second place for you to live, as well as financial advice and therapy for you or your children.

That said, the cost of a divorce can still vary — and widely.

For instance, says Weinberger, the price can increase exponentially if your divorce requires niche experts, like a forensic accountant or a co-parenting counselor. Other pricey scenarios: You need to get your business evaluated (your ex is entitled to equitable distribution if you launched the business during the marriage, and even if you started your business before you were married, a spouse may be entitled to part of the increase in the business's value), you have high net worth and need a best-interest evaluation or you're facing a hotly contested custody battle with your soon-to-be ex. All of these situations could bump the price of your divorce up to the $50,000 to $100,000 range, and in some cases much more, Weinberger estimates.

However, adds Weinberger, if a man comes to her office with a straightforward divorce — where all the terms have already been decided, and communication is open between the partners — then the cost could be as low as $3,500. In fact, if you have a particularly simple situation, with no minor children or unusual financial circumstances, a divorce can run less than $500, with filing fees, Blaylock adds.

According to Weinberger, one other crucial element that men — and women — who are parents should think about if they're embroiled in extreme litigation: The more money you spend on your divorce, the less money you have to give your kids. "You're taking your children's [college] education savings," she says, "and you're kissing one semester goodbye."

2. Don't be too proud to pay alimony…

Alimony offers monetary help to the spouse who was supported financially during the marriage — especially if one parent left the workforce to focus on the family for a long period of time. Spouses usually provide alimony in one of three different ways, depending on state laws: As a lump sum, in regular payments, or in another predetermined arrangement — say, if you cut a check to a third party to pay an ex's mortgage. (It's also important to note that alimony is separate from child support.)

But the impact of alimony isn't just financial — there's also a psychological component. Men may feel that a former spouse doesn't deserve to receive "free" income based on their hard work. Weinberger notes that many of her clients are resistant to paying because no one — man or woman — wants to have to write out a check to an ex.

Weinberger's advice? "While no one wants to pay alimony, if we're working out a global package, then it could make sense from a tax perspective," she explains, adding that alimony is tax-deductible. (Just be sure to file a separate tax return using a 1040 form.)

3. …And don't be too proud to collect alimony

If a woman is making more than her spouse or if the father is a stay-at-home parent while the mother works, then the ex-husband could be entitled to receive alimony. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 56 percent of divorce lawyers have seen an increase in mothers paying child support, and 47 percent have seen more women paying alimony, as well.

But being an alimony recipient can sometimes bring about feelings of insecurity, notes Weinberger. "I have men who say, 'How is the community going to look at me?'" she says. "I tell them that they're entitled. If they're a stay-at-home dad or there is a large discrepancy in income, they should receive it."

4. Do create a post-divorce life budget

When a man going through a divorce comes to David for financial planning advice, he sits him down to talk logistics. "We try to make a budget for his new life," Blaylock says. According to Blaylock, men typically think about the money that they'll have to pay upfront for divorce-related expenses — the actual divorce, child support, alimony — but forget that everyday expenses are going to change once they're newly single.

For example, if you have joint custody, you'll need things like clothes and toys so your kids can live comfortably in your house. Some co-parenting experts say that many kids who split the week between moms and dads actually prefer to have all of the items they need at each house, so they don't lose anything in the transfer.

5. Do divide things equally

A half-half split is easier said than done — just because you're getting divorced doesn't mean that you won't still feel tremendous attachment to your ex. Because of this, says Blaylock, many men (and women) cave to lopsided agreements — and this is often the case with men who are used to taking care of a spouse financially.

"A lot of men want to continue that role, even though they no longer have that obligation," says Blaylock. "I just had a best friend go through this issue. He gave her everything, much to his financial detriment." Dividing your property — furniture, artwork, camping gear, music equipment — should be done in a way so that you don't end up with resentments or regrets. 

It's O.K. not to let your ex have it all.

6. Do look into alternative child support solutions

Typically, child support covers basic necessities — food, clothing, shelter. Depending on how you arrange your settlement, it may also include uninsured medical expenses, educational fees, child care, transportation, travel, entertainment, college and extracurricular activities. Many arguments can erupt between ex-spouses over managing these costs.

"Children are expensive," says Weinberger. And, unfortunately, all of those expenses may be tough, if not impossible, to itemize. "It's never going to work out that Dad is going to feel secure that the child support is going to be applied directly to the child," she explains. "I have so many dads who want everything identified with invoices, slips and statements. And they're not going to get them."

That's why Weinberger advises her clients to come up with what she calls "hybrid" solutions. For instance, if you can pay a service provider directly, like a child-care provider, then you can avoid fighting over the money. One father I know, Weinberg recalls, even prepaid medical providers, as well as contributed to the mother's share of their 529 plan.

7. Do set up a cellular plan

For children who are old enough, buy them a cell phone that's designated for the sole purpose of contacting you. Call it the "Dad Phone," and ask your ex to leave it in a spot where your child can always find it. Adding an additional line to your plan should be relatively inexpensive, though the cost will vary depending on your provider and whether or not you opt for a pricier smart phone.

8. Don't make impulsive financial decisions

"Divorce is more like death than you can ever imagine," says Blaylock. "It's O.K. to be emotional. It's O.K. to be hurt. It's O.K. to grieve." This is precisely why Blaylock urges men to treat their divorces with a sense of gravity — and not make any major financial decisions for six to 12 months. Don't switch jobs. Don't move to a new city. "Hold status quo in your life," he says, "as you deal with this adjustment."

Source: http://theweek.com/articles/459477/8-financial-tips-men-getting-divorce