There’s an old saying in my day job (as an IT project manager since you ask): “Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance” You may have heard versions of it before. The beauty of the “5 P’s” is that it conveys a simple message with some pleasing alliteration along the way. In essence, it’s possible to avoid poor performance of any task or activity by ensuring enough thought is put into the preparation (see also planning and prioritisation as valid substitutes). What strikes me increasingly these days, both at work and at home as a parent is that we would all do well to not only embrace this saying to accentuate the positive and productive activities in our lives but also to eradicate the negatives; the delaying tactics, the resistances that we put up that at times hinder us in achieving even the most insignificant things. I’m proposing an alternative version: “Procrastination Prevents Progress”
Perhaps it’s not as catchy but it’s equally applicable in my opinion. Planning or preparing for an activity isn’t the be-all and end-all but you’ve got to at least get on and do something in the first instance if you want to move forward with anything, right? It seems these days that we are all too keen to procrastinate, over-evaluate, consider and re-consider something before we get on and do it. Sometimes it’s simply too easy to get distracted rather than just getting on with the task at hand. Maybe that’s a result of there being too many distractions open to us in this world of instant information, rapid gratification and fear that we might be missing out on something else if we commit our attentions to one task. Maybe we are genuinely fearful of the job on the list. The reality though is there really is no way we can achieve things without the simple act of getting organised, grabbing the metaphorical bull by the horns and getting on with it. Below I have outlined 5 typical examples of procrastination and delaying tactics that I see time and again at work and at home, many of which I’m guilty of myself. For each of these I’ve also outlined a means of handling them, whether that’s Father to Child, Boss to Employee, Wife to Husband or from self to self; sometimes you just need to have a word with yourself, right? My philosophy is that it’s never enough just to acknowledge and lament a problem if you’re not willing to do something to try and resolve it, so here we go! 1) Doing what we want to do rather than what we have to do – The best example of this is the age-old debate we parents have with our kids: homework versus TV. The source of the distraction is inconsequential but the substance of the argument remains. We have to accept that life for most of us is a process of having to do the things expected of us first before we indulge ourselves in the things we’d like to do. We have to go to work in the morning to earn a living before we can come home and enjoy our family-time and pursue our hobbies. Whilst at work we can get on and tackle the tasks we know are going to be time-consuming, complex and potentially unpleasant and leave the routine and administrative matters for later in the day or flip the scheduling of these around. The beauty of the former is that we get the tough stuff done while our energy levels are still high. Adopting the same model at home we can encourage our kids to get the homework done before the weekend so they are able to relax and enjoy their free time or it can be left hanging over them until the last possible minute when the only option is a rushed or half-hearted effort done reluctantly that won’t give the best results. The choice is really all ours, and the suggested remediation is to force a value-judgment that encourages the choice to be made considering the balance of life, and not just defaulting to the path of least resistance to instant gratification. 2) Putting off the tricky tasks until last – There are theories abound of task-list management and how we should prioritise things. It’s often tempting to put off the tricky, unpalatable tasks or those we simply don’t feel like doing until later either in favour of doing the easy ‘quick-wins’ or simply doing nothing at all. The danger with this is two-fold. First, we risk convincing ourselves that we’re being productive or genuinely achieving things by knocking off the little tasks, and further justifying our procrastination over the big stuff. Second, we avoid reality that more significant and difficult tasks are likely to be of higher value and make a greater impact to our lives and hence warrant their status and significance on our task list. The knack here is to ensure that the task list is only made up of genuinely important things that are aligned to our higher values (whether these are truly linked to delivering the benefits of a project at work, or to achieving our target grades at school). We also need to be clear on what is required of us so that we can then tackle the tasks to completion, tick them off the list and forget about them. I suggest you get ruthless, trim your list down to the truly significant activities rather than padding it with things that you know you can start ticking them off quickly; the progress might be slower on a task-by-task basis but the effects will be profound in your life as each task provides genuine value once complete. Cut out the ‘busy-work’. 3) Allowing ourselves to be distracted (usually by our smartphones) – When we are able to gain real-time insight into goings-on around us whether the Instagram photos of a friend’s dinner plate, or a breaking news article about the latest celebrity divorce, we invite distraction and procrastination into our lives. We convince ourselves that the risk of somehow being out of touch with the outside world outweighs the risk of not doing what we have to in a timely and efficient way. In most cases it’s actually just a means of convincing ourselves we have a valid reason to stay in touch with the world around us, or just an outright excuse. In the days before computers landed on most office desks I presume that distraction came in the form of conversations and visitors to your desk side or the ringing of the telephone. When computers were solely interfaces to operational systems it was likely that the situation remained largely the same. However, once email and Internet access proliferated a world of information and further distraction and interruption opened up to us. Now, in the age of the smartphone we have every bit of information in the world and live communication channels with our nearest and dearest open to us at all times of the day and night. These are truly times of unprecedented change and with two iPhone-toting teenage daughters whose embracing of social media has been committed and wholehearted I can see that the lasting effects of this change will be significant to their development and to that of the world at large. It is certainly not just kids who’ve allowed this source of distraction into their lives and I can bear witness to many a Chief Financial Officer or Managing Director of large, publically quoted companies who I’ve observed sneaking a cursory look at Facebook or Twitter in the midst of significant meetings and discussions. It may have followed a check of their mobile work email app when their attention has wandered from the conversation at hand, but it is undeniable that the smartphone and the information it gives us access to is here to stay as the distracting force of our time. The only advice I can offer in this regard is to be mindful of your use, be honest about how much you allow yourself to be distracted and stop kidding yourself that Twitter is any kind of essential business aid. Put the phone down and get on with the job at hand. Lead your kids by example, don’t lecture them in misty-eyed fashion over a simpler time then go back to looking at memes on Facebook.
4) Fear of missing out on something better – A by-product of the smartphone-enhanced world and the social networks within it is that we are constantly tormented with updates on the activities and lives of others. These are of course always 10% more exciting, stimulating or fun than ours; their holidays are to more exotic locations, they are doing more exciting things than us with friends whose company we want to be enjoying, and they are getting more out of life while we are sat here trying to complete an overdue report or defrost the freezer. The nature of social media, online dating and any other kind of site that exists to connect people, is that users engage others in the ‘good stuff’ that’s going on in their lives and open up jealousy and fear of missing out in those who engage with them. In online dating, the availability of what is essentially a catalogue of sexy people who are all out to advertise themselves and attract a mate, convinces the single person that there is a wealth of potential matches out there and their task it is to weed out the best that they can; is it any wonder that people are becoming more likely to remain single in life as they fail to commit, believing that the best-of-the-best is just around the corner? Again the most effective course of action to counter this is to cut yourself off from the source of torment, or more realistically to know that you are probably as culpable as anyone else of participating in this same process. Pacify yourself that everyone else has to allocate time to the things they must do, as well as that they want to. Take satisfaction that once you’ve got your value-adding tasks done, you can share pictures of you cat/child/dinner/car with impunity, or swipe-left on a few potential dates. 5) Questioning the inherent value in a task (or asking ourselves “What’s the point?”) – There’s a rather corrosive belief held by many people, that these days every task, activity or moment in our lives should be endowed with significance or meaning. If the task is not instantly gratifying, then somehow it’s not worthy of us? This is the biggie and one that I’ll write on separately at some point soon. The significance here though is in the emerging sense of entitlement that seems to be factored into virtually every person’s mind these days regarding one or more aspects of their life, which underpins procrastination when we view tasks as beneath us, menial or just plain boring. We all believe we inherently deserve the best, whether that’s the best-paid, most interesting job, the finest food and wines known to man, or the dream holiday to the far-flung destinations (whether we can afford them or not). I’m not disputing our right to strive for excellence, but I’m offended by the notion that it should come with zero effort or commitment on our part. In work, employees baulk, complain and even strike at the notion of basically having to do their jobs if they disagree with the terms, conditions or even just the nature of the work. The UK public sector particularly is rife with people who pale at the thought that they may have to do more than the bare-minimum 35 hours per week and who know that with zero visible symptoms they can receive long-term sick pay for staying home and watching TV. I say this flippantly but also with experience, having worked for 4 long years in local government; it’s part of the reason I now work freelance in financial services; mercenary, certainly but I know where I am when most people are employed under the same terms and operate under the assumption if they don’t deliver they will be replaced following 2 weeks notice. Maybe this is the repressed Victorian Mill Owner in me, coming out in my views on employee-relations.
In our private lives, everyone can now access every material possession they wish (within reason); luxury cars can be leased for no money down, Satellite TV is considered a necessity alongside sanitation and electricity and you’re considered a luddite if your iPhone is more than one version older than the most recent model. We are all products of the world in which we live and I’m not crusading for fundamental changes in the way we all engage with modern society and the trappings of it. What I advocate though is that we all need to complete activities (“work” in shorthand) that generally contributes to achieving things in life, both to earn a living and be a contributing member of society. Not everything is endowed with a higher purpose or value; we all need to roll up our sleeves and clean a toilet now and again and to view such things as beneath us or believe that we have some underlying reason to put off a task as not worthy of us is, frankly, laughable. I use extreme examples here but the simple message is if you’re questioning a task as warranting your attention, if it needs doing, for goodness sake just crack-on and get it done. Hopefully you’ll find something that you can apply in the above. It seems obvious to say that the basic lesson of the piece is ‘Don’t Procrastinate’, but that is the fundamental point. In keeping with point 5 above, sometimes we need a bit of tough love. We may spend our time and mind-space trying to concoct reasons why we want to avoid a task, or delay it until later. The simple fact is that assuming you are required to do something either because it is expected of you in work, or you’ve added it to your personal task list as it presumably aligns with your higher value goals, then by definition you are going to have to do it at some point to achieve your personal goals (to keep your job or achieve the beneficial value in these examples). The more you put it off, the harder it will be to tackle. Stop considering there is a good reason for delaying tactics, put aside the sources of distraction and get it done.
Then revel in the glory, smug self-satisfaction and tell your friends about it on Facebook. Toby
Everyone fails in life, and failure can be a crushing experience. The only thing that separates successful people from the rest is how they respond after they fail. When facing obstacles, you have to decide if you’re going to let them be the excuse for your failure or if you’re going to make them the story behind your success.
“There is no failure. Only feedback.” -Robert Allen When you adopt the right attitude, failure is a great teacher. Failure interrupts your routine and gives you an opportunity to explore new solutions, but only if you have the right attitude. Psychologist Albert Bandura conducted a study that showed just how great a role our attitudes play in the face of failure. In the study, two groups of people were asked to complete an identical management task. The first group was told that the purpose of the task was to measure their management abilities. The other group was told that the skills required to complete the task were improvable and that the task was merely an opportunity to practice and improve. The trick was that the researchers made the task so difficult that all participants were bound to fail, and fail they did. The first group—feeling like failures because their skills weren’t up to snuff—made little or no improvement when they were given opportunities to repeat the task. The second group, however, saw each failure as a learning opportunity, and they performed at progressively higher levels each time they attempted the task. The second group even rated themselves as more confident than the first group. Just like the participants in Bandura’s study, we can either view our failures as reflections of our abilities or as opportunities for growth. The next time you catch yourself wallowing in the self-pity that often accompanies failure, focus on what you can control: your attitude. Some of the best lessons in life are also the toughest to accept and to adopt the right attitude toward. These are the lessons that challenge your flexibility and willingness to learn. When we don’t embrace them soon enough, the lessons we learn turn out to be harsh ones. 1. The first step is always the hardest. When you want to achieve something important, that first step is inevitably going to be daunting, even frightening. When you dare to make that first move, anxiety and fear dissipate in the name of action. People that dive headfirst into taking that brutal first step aren’t any stronger than the rest of us; they’ve simply learned that it yields great results. They know that the pain of getting started is inevitable and that procrastination only prolongs their suffering. 2. Good things take time. Success, above all, requires time and effort. Author Malcolm Gladwell suggested that mastery of anything requires 10,000 hours of tireless focus. Many successful people would agree. Consider Henry Ford, whose first two automobile businesses failed before he started Ford at the age of 45, or author Harry Bernstein, who dedicated his entire life to writing before he finally landed a best-seller at the age of 96. When you finally do succeed, you realize that the journey was the best part of it. 3. Being busy does not equal being productive. Look at everyone around you. They all seem so busy, running from meeting to meeting and firing off e-mails. Yet how many of them are really producing, really succeeding at a high level? Success doesn’t come from movement and activity; it comes from focus—from ensuring that your time is used efficiently and productively. You get the same number of hours in the day as everyone else, so use yours wisely. After all, you’re the product of your output not your effort. Make certain your efforts are dedicated to tasks that get results. 4. You will always have less control than you want. There are too many extenuating circumstances in life to control every outcome. You can, however, control how you react to things that are out of your control. Your reaction is what transforms a mistake into a learning experience and ensures that a victory doesn’t send your ego through the roof. You can’t win every battle, but with the right attitude, you can win the war. 5. You’re only as good as those you associate with. You should strive to surround yourself with people who inspire you, people who make you want to be better. And you probably do. But what about the people who drag you down? Why do you allow them to be part of your life? Anyone who makes you feel worthless, anxious, or uninspired is wasting your time and, quite possibly, making you more like them. Life is too short to associate with people like this. Cut them loose. 6. Your biggest problems are mental. Almost all our problems occur because we time travel: we go to the past and regret things we’ve done, or we go to the future and feel anxious about events that haven’t even happened. It’s all too easy to slip into the past or jet into the future. When you do, you lose sight of the one thing that you can actually control—the present.
7. Your self-worth must come from within. When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from comparing yourself with others, you are no longer the master of your own destiny. When you feel good about something that you’ve done, don’t allow anyone’s opinions or accomplishments to take that away from you. While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself with others and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re never as good or bad as they say you are. 8. Not everyone will support you. In fact, most people won’t. Some people will inundate you with negativity, passive aggression, anger, or jealousy, but none of this matters, because, as Dr. Seuss said, “Those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.” We can’t possibly get support from everyone, and we definitely can’t spend our time and energy trying to win over the people who don’t support us. Letting go of the opinions of people who don’t matter frees up time and energy for the people and things that do. 9. Perfection doesn’t exist. Don’t seek perfection as your target. It doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you should have done differently, instead of moving forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and what you’ll accomplish in the future. 10. Fear is the number one source of regret. When all is said and done, you will lament the chances you didn’t take far more than you will your failures. Don’t be afraid to take risks. I often hear people say, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to you? Will it kill you?” Yet, death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you—the worst thing that can happen to you is allowing yourself to die inside while you’re still alive.
It was never in your life plan, certainly never predicted in your high school yearbook. And yet, here you are. You’ve gone through a soul-sucking life experience and are suffering from the collateral consequences. Uncertainty, fear and disbelief rule the day. You keep waiting to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream.
The problem is that wishing, wanting and waiting don’t help. Whether you’re still in the midst of the storm or idling in the aftermath, the truth is that you have to reach down and make the decision that although you may have had no control over what happened to you, you do have control over how you respond and move forward. These six tips will help start you on that journey:
1. Don’t Compare Your Blooper Reel to Other’s Highlight Reel
At times it may seem like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Social media exacerbates this perception because people tend to show only their green patch of lawn and not their backyard full of weeds! Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see someone’s perfect vacation pictures captioned: “Don’t know how we’re really going to pay for this; We’re up to our ears in debt! The kids got carsick and puked in the rental car, and Jack and I haven’t had sex for weeks! Wish you were here!” The grass isn’t always greener. Everyone has something in life they wish they could undo, redo or erase. They just don’t post it on Facebook.
2. Realize That Sometimes You Have No Control Over What Happens to You
Like the saying goes, life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. I truly believe that things happen for you rather than to you to nudge you into growth. When something unexpected happens, ask yourself “What’s the lesson here?”
3. Surrender to Your Situation
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving in; it simply means you stop fighting the fact that the situation happened. Accept the fact that it occurred, that it sucks, and that yes, it probably was unfair and undeserved. When you continually try to fight against a situation, it’s like trying to swim against a rip current. You can fight it and end up exhausted and pulled out to sea, or you can accept that it is done, swim parallel to it and overcome it. You cannot change what has already occurred but you can change how you respond to it. This is the tipping point to taking your power back.
4. Understand That Your Coping Mechanisms May Be Holding You Hostage
It is natural to feel disbelief, anger and sadness, and to want to blame others for what you are going through. These coping mechanisms are designed to help you deal with the situation at hand. They are also a defense mechanism, a way to push back on the reality of the situation. The problem is, when you get stuck defending, denying, and blaming, you form an endless loop of negative thoughts that won’t stop spinning in your head. The part of your brain that is controlling the loop is your ego. When you learn to harness your ego, you can transform the way you think and move past these self-destructive thoughts.
5. Harness Your Ego
Your ego is part of your consciousness, and it competes with your higher self, or spirit, for control of your thoughts. Your ego is fear-based and your higher self is love-based. The two cannot coexist because the higher self simply does not recognize fear. Think of the ego as the darkness and the higher self as the light switch; once the light goes on darkness cannot exist. The ego thrives on fear and separation in order to control your thoughts. It causes you to think you need to be better because you’re not good enough or are lacking in some way. The egoic brain creates this fear of inferiority and you react by putting others down as a way to raise your sense of self-worth up. You can recognize your ego at work when you are critical or judgmental of others, when you take on the role of victim, or when you blame others rather than looking inward. When you feel self-important, when you feel the need to be right, and when anger, jealousy, and self-importance take center stage, that’s your ego, and it isn’t helping you. It creates a false sense of self. Once you are aware that your ego is talking, you have begun the process of winning the mind chatter war in your head. Your awareness helps you realize that you no longer have to react to the fear it is creating. Your thoughts are not you but are of the ego. Remember that your ego and your higher self cannot co-exist; When you recognize the ego it has to take a back seat to your higher self. You then can move above these thoughts and shift your perspective from negative thoughts to ones that serve you positively.
6. Create Calm and Gratitude
The ego loves for you to focus on your past, on what you lost. What if you shift the way you look at your situation and focus on what you gained as a result? What did you learn as a result of the trial? Are you more compassionate, less judgmental? Is your house calmer or cleaner? Did you start taking better care of yourself emotionally or physically? Are you finally putting yourself first? Focusing on what you are grateful for instead of what you lost is a mindset that creates a calmer, happier you. And that is something to be grateful for! Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-holloway/6-ways-to-overcome-a-soul-crushing-life-challenge_b_7157082.html
It pleases me when I learn something new about myself. It’s not just the wonderment that an old-dog can indeed learn new tricks, but also shock (bordering on dismay) that I didn’t already know it all.
Whether reflecting upon how I’ve been tackling a problem, only to see a completely different way of doing it that immediately seems obvious, or looking back and realizing that I could have handled something a lot better, the net effect is usually much the same; I can’t believe that I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’ve been pondering lately the best way of tackling a couple of ongoing challenges in my life, namely how to get the best out of my co-workers (both those above and beneath me in the corporate food-chain) and how best to get my kids to do what I want and expect from them; in both cases I’m largely precluded from considering sanctions, bribery or coercion as options and so I’m left wondering how best to achieve my goal through more subtle means. I’ve not yet got all the answers, but verging on 20 years into my career, and in my 18th year as a parent I’m starting to build up a useful play-book of techniques. First, a little context. In my working life I’m far from your typical ‘manager’ and I’ve deliberately chosen a career path that aligns most closely with my being a goal and delivery focussed individual. When I’m not writing, I mostly work as a freelance IT Project Manager and have long since given up the desire to climb to levels of seniority in that field. Give me a challenge and a problem to solve and I’m in my element. What job title I’m given or how many people work beneath me is completely irrelevant and outside of my interest. Since stepping onto the first rung of the career ladder I’ve occasionally tried and largely failed to carve out a niche as an out-and-out people-manager since I’m just no good at taking on the challenges of personnel management and have no desire to engage in the politics and general ass-kissing that seem to be a necessity to escape beyond middle-management. I’d sooner work with and organise people to whom I can give the professional courtesy of assuming they are competent, capable and reasonably committed to the job in hand rather than having to concern myself with matters of pastoral care or ‘HR’. Give me a person with the right skills and I’ll happily co-ordinate and guide their actions to achieve the greater-good; just don’t ask me to conduct a career appraisal for them or to help them settle their personal or professional grievances. I’m completely at one with my motivation towards work, and in myself since I know that my core values are aligned to setting measurable and meaningful goals and then motivating myself (and others) towards their achievement. This holds in my life outside work too. In my personal life, I’m part-time single parent to two teenage daughters who I’ve raised 50% of the time with their mother, my ex-wife for over 11 years. I’m also step-father to two younger kids that my second wife brought into our marriage, from her first. As such, there’s a fair amount of stakeholder management in my personal life too.
What has struck me more and more as the years have gone by is just how many parallels exist between the two roles, and how much learning I can apply from one role to the other. It extends in both directions too and not just in how being a project manager has helped me as a parent, but also vice-versa.
When I refer to ‘they’, ‘them’ or ‘their’ in the two examples below I’m referencing my kids at home or my co-workers at work. Co-workers also applies equally to those who I manage in delivery of my projects and the senior managers that I report to. The two key similarities are as follows:
1) They just want to be heard and acknowledged – There are few settings within which we spend so much of our lives in as the workplace and for many it can be a crushingly anonymous place where the many drones servicing the greater needs of the hive feel like their efforts are lost and unappreciated. I often experience instances where those both above and beneath me in the supposed hierarchy bringing problems, challenges or items of risk that if not averted will knock things off course. My natural reaction as a goal-oriented and solution-focussed person is to leap into action and to try and solve the issues presented at face-value. Only in the last few years with growing self-awareness and a deeper appreciation for human behaviour (in myself and others) have I recognised that seldom does what I hear really represent the whole story. In my experience the issue that is brought to me may be a symptom of a wider issue or a general concern that the person with the worries has used as a means of voicing their dissatisfaction. Often-times, it won’t even be something that they needs to be changed or solved but rather that they are just using it as an opportunity to get their voices heard. Many times they don’t even want it to be solved but simply crave recognition from you, the acknowledgement of their existence. Others feel it is their role (whether explicitly or implicitly) to be a source of stretch and challenge as you make your way through working life. As such, they are mainly serving the needs of their ego. The preferred reaction I’ve learned then is always first and foremost to hear the challenge and to demonstrate that you have taken it on-board and are taking it seriously. This may be closely followed by efforts to investigate and resolve, but it doesn’t always require that. For my kids I’m often in exactly the same position. I’m fortunate to have nurtured a bond where my kids feel comfortable in bringing their stuff to me, and whereby they can respectfully and maturely communicate their dissatisfactions without resorting to the stereotypical ‘I hate you’ mode of teenage communication (most of the time). That doesn’t mean that things are always as they seem on the surface. Sometimes they just want a bit of attention, and for kids (and co-workers at times) any attention is good attention. In the midst of the noise of our day-to-day lives, with the many and varied challenges of work and family life to balance we can become oblivious to those things right in front of us and which we say we value the most. Kids have their own similar battles and alongside school work, their hobbies, dreams and aspirations, they need to carve out their niche in the modern world of social networks and instant gratification. Often they too feel the need to throw on the emergency brake and to feel like they’ve been brought to the forefront of our minds for a few minutes so that they don’t have to compete with all the other things going on in our lives. When my daughter complains of a stomach-ache, the underlying concern may not be a medical issue which has me instantly reaching for the medical-kit to remedy, but rather nervousness about an impending test at school or a challenging sports game that is coming up. When one of them has a temper-tantrum and attempts to act-up or to get a reaction out of me by making provocative statements it is often not driven out of a lack of care or consideration but because she has had an argument with a friend or misses her mother. Sometimes it’s just hormones throwing her off balance, clouding her ability to deal with a simple day-to-day event. The challenge then is in both taking things at face-value but in remaining open-minded enough to consider other angles, other sides of the same coin. Often I find I’ve done my bit merely by opening my ears and demonstrating that I’ve heard what they have to say; that I’ve listened to and acknowledged them above all the other noise in life. 2) They want to please me but also crave praise and recognition for their efforts – When asked at work by a team member what it is that I expect of or need from them my answer is often that I simply want them to do their best and make me look good. I apply the same logic towards my bosses and my role in their world. If each person spent their time trying to do the best for themselves and for the person who was in some way responsible for them, then I contend that the whole system would function a lot better and more consistently than it does. If I’m driven to do the best job I can in whatever role I’m playing in a given moment, then the knock-on effects of it will be positive for those around me. The flip-side of that action, the counter-balance if you like is in the recognition of those efforts which we all crave in life from those to whom we are accountable. This is the feedback on our having delivered value, the validation of our efforts and the sense of gratitude that we feel from those we have served in some way. At work there’s the reward and feedback of remuneration, and being paid for a job well done, but as theories of organisational behaviour show us, pay and rations alone do not motivate. It is the kindly words, favourable conditions and positive feedback along with the opportunity to grow and feel valued that give rise to the illusive trait of employee satisfaction and which get the best out of us at work. With my kids, I may feel like I’m doing my bit by giving them a comfortable home, keeping them fed and clothed and buying them the occasional gift to demonstrate my love and care for them. It is the kindly words however that make the most difference, the feelings of love and pride I express to them on a regular basis, the lunchbox notes I send to offer them mid-day encouragement and just the act of ‘showing up’ for them throughout their lives that have grown and nurtured the bond I enjoy with them. Pay and rations come to be relied upon in our personal relationships too, but it is the gratitude and recognition we show for others and their efforts that let them know that we aren’t simply taking them for granted.
Putting it in action
I most certainly don’t have all the answers on this topic (or any other); I’m a student of life just as much as we all are and I’m grateful for the fact that I’m continually learning new things and reaching new insights about myself and how I interact with others. What I have realised though is that it’s not simply a case of having diverse and separate roles in life that I need to master but rather that many of the roles (parent, worker, friend, husband) rely on many of the same traits, skills and techniques if I’m to perform them to my desired standard. To labour under the misapprehension that we should be one person at work and another entirely at home fails to acknowledge the point that we can all only really be the unique people that we are in each and every role. We have our DNA, we have our in-built programming and we have the lessons we’ve learned to apply throughout our lives in each and every role. We can grow and we can adapt but we cannot bend ourselves into something that we are not and nor should we. Take the skills and experience that you have, innately and within you and exploit those in each role you fulfil. Be true to yourself and mindful of who you are and how you act. I contend that more often than not you’ll find that the many resources you have in one area of life (that you may consider to be your sweet-spot) can in fact be brought to bear in other areas of your life too if you open your mind to what you know and what you can learn in each role. Toby
Here are some thoughts on how to respond when our plans get knocked off track by others or when we 'self-sabotage'; This video discusses the need to make sure that we strive to 'Win Every Play' and that if something goes wrong, we accept, learn and get back on track.
"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" - Mike Tyson
Ensure that when your plans and intentions go wrong, you get back on track as quickly as you can.
A few days ago I finished reading Lab Girl by scientist and University of Hawaii at Manoa professor Hope Jahren. While the book is a memoir about her childhood being a professor’s daughter, how she has coped with being a female scientist in a male dominated profession, and touches briefly on her manic depression, what was most poignant for me was the way she handled setbacks.
Repeatedly in her early career, Jahren’s grant proposals were denied or didn’t produce the funding she needed. She was not accepted at conferences by her peers in ways she would have preferred. Her life did not go as she had hoped or planned.
Dig In Your Heels
But instead of curling into the fetal position and giving up when being dealt a blow—as can be the natural feelings during times of setback—Jahren dug her heels of her boots in harder and pressed on, out to prove to herself and to the world that she could be a scientist of value. (And only she knows if she desired to be on Time’s 100 Most Influential People list this year).
Stop and Reflect
In an article for TechRepublic, attorney Calvin Sun writes, to stop and reflect when something negative happens. Mull over what happened, why it happened, and how you feel about it. Sun recommends determining what you can learn from the event by asking what a disinterested observer would notice or learn or done differently. (Sometimes we are too emotionally close to it to see what we can learn.) Determining what can be learned from the situation is one way to acknowledge the experience’s positive side or benefit. Henry Ford said, “Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.”
Vent If You Must
But if you need to express your disappointment, frustration, anger, or whatever, talk to your best friend or write a letter that you never send. In an Inc. article about how Abraham Lincoln handled setbacks, Ilan Mochari writes, “If you’re angry about an outcome, give yourself an outlet for venting.”
Look to the Future
Once you are done venting and figuring out the benefits of what happened, then look to the future. Just because something didn’t happen once, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. In Raise Rules for Women: How to Make More Money at Work, my co-author Laura C. Browne and I write that just because you’re told “no” to a raise right now does not mean that the possibility of a raise is not in your future. Wait a bit. Then ask again. Or as Jahren writes in chapter three of her book, “A seed knows how to wait....A seed is alive while it waits.” She then compares an acorn to a 300-year-old tree saying that neither is growing. They are just waiting. That’s where we and the seed and the tree differ, while we wait, we have opportunity to grow. And that growth can help us reach our next milestone, overcome possible future setbacks, and launch us into our future selves. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jill-l-ferguson/healthy-ways-to-handle-se_b_10051668.html
The quote above is one of my favourites, yet I’ve no idea to which genius I should attribute it. Some lunchtime web-searching has failed to yield the originator of the phrase; whilst I was unclear on the exact meaning, I’m unsurprised to learn that inexorable means ‘impossible to stop or prevent’ and so seems apt as an opener for this piece. Time marches on regardless of what we do, and we are powerless to stop or influence it. All we have is our own interpretation of it and our own perception of what time means to us. With the birth of a new year I’ve been reflecting on the past and planning for the future, and below I summarise for you now a few key lessons that I treat as absolute and undeniable truths about time.
Time passes more quickly as you get older (even when you don’t want it to)
I recall hearing this one from my grandparents generation on many occasions as a child, and I’m sure it’s been offered to me often by my parents too when I’ve been guilty of wishing my life away. Many of us tend to look beyond where we are now in a bid to bring forth an event or a time in the future where we perceive that things will be in some way better; more enjoyable, less stressful or more fun. As I approach what is presumably fairly-labelled ‘middle-age’ with my 41st birthday looming I can confirm that the weeks, months and years truly do seem to be flying-by and with ever-increasing speed as I get older. It now seems that before the Christmas decorations have had a chance to gather dust in the attic, the evenings suddenly seem to be getting lighter, my hay-fever and pollen allergies kick in, and summer is looming. Just as I’m getting accustomed to wearing shorts every day, the leaves start falling from the trees and soon after, supermarkets start arranging flamboyant displays of tinsel, discounted brandy and mince-pies at the entrance; within a blink of the eye another Christmas is upon us. Significant events in the lives of my kids seem to occur with growing velocity too and with the transition of daughter number 1 into high school still a raw and recent memory, she’s now learning to drive a car and only 18 months off either University or entering into the world as a fully-fledged tax-paying adult. “How can this be?” I ask myself and yet I know the answer; my predecessors had it right all along. Each day seems to take just as long as it ever did, but the weeks and months pass by in a blur. I’m not yet willing to put this down to a failing memory and speculate instead that the many events that accompany raising kids, pursuing a career, seeking happiness, and supporting a family make time seem to pass by quicker and quicker. We simply haven’t the capacity to be mindful enough to acknowledge every part of every event of every day. Maybe I’m wrong and in any case the explanation is pretty academic; the fact is that time feels like it passes-by quicker and whilst I’m not prone to worrying about accelerating towards the final destination of life, it’s certainly a sobering thought. The opposite can also be true if you choose to look at time at a more granular level. When we’re willing the hands on the clock to speed up, the opposite happens. Putting aside the physical realities that you cannot influence the passing of time, it feels like the more I wish for time to pass by faster (usually when I’ve lost sight of the need to maximise the value and benefit I take from every waking minute), the usual outcome is that it will seem to slow down. What I’ve learned (from a relatively early age thanks in no small part to parents who wouldn’t tolerate hearing that I was bored, and who would be all too happy to find me a useful means of passing the time if I couldn’t do so for myself) is that it is far easier to distract oneself from the tedium by engaging in something useful, interesting or diverting rather than merely watching the metaphorical paint-dry. When every second counts, it’s important that you don’t waste it by just counting the seconds.
Time is a healer (and an enabler for learning)
I’ve learned over time that no matter how difficult things may seem, it is always good (if nigh on impossible in the moment) to remember that in the future things won’t seem so bad. With the passing of time, almost everything can be seen through rose-tinted glasses. When looking back at events with the benefit of time, we usually see things with greater clarity than we could ever have mustered in the moment. Periods of great challenge, sadness and upset can be understood better, analysed more effectively and with greater clarity of thought and less-raw emotion, often allowing positive lessons extracted from the events. At the very least it helps us to process things a bit better. No matter how hard things may seem right now, how little you may believe that you have a chance of coming out of the other side of it smiling (or even breathing), history has a useful means of reminding you that you will do, and furthermore you will marvel at the resilience you have continually demonstrated in the face of adversity. It is only through being able to look back on things too, both in the immediate aftermath and also at later intervals that you can extract all the lessons from them, and this applies both to the positives as well as the negatives. I can remember many occasions when I’ve treated something as a victory, congratulated myself for a job well-done or for a decision I was convinced was well-made only later to wonder whether I had done the right thing, or if I could have handled it better. Similarly, with the passing of failed relationships it has sometimes taken me years to understand and acknowledge key learnings about myself or how I handled things since at the time all I could see was a need to extract myself from an undesirable situation, and feel relief when I got out. No matter what happens in life, whether good or bad, the passing of time will continue to yield valuable lessons and insight, without being clouded by emotions that may be present in the moment. Once you realize and embrace this, it becomes a massive source of comfort, benefit and value.
Everything takes more time than you think it will (or want it to)
I pride myself on striving to be productive and make use of every waking moment to achieve things and deliver against the (meticulous) plans I tend to make for all but the most routine of tasks. Having returned to work from 2 week’s vacation over Christmas, I’ve been fortunate to enjoy some quality time with the family and friends and have overindulged to the extent that I was fearful of stepping on the bathroom scales (with due-cause as it turned out). During that time I’ve completed a house-move, visited friends and relatives around the country and crammed in a number of days of quality ‘me-time’ as well. Whilst I’m glad to have done all these things and view each of them as positive activities and experiences in their own right, I’ve marvelled on several occasions that it’s never, ever possible to get as much done in one 24 hour period as I think it will be. Consider the house move; I had three days allocated to this over the holidays, one ‘assisted’ by the kids, one with my brother in law to do the heavy-lifting and finally one on my own to box-up the final few bits and pieces, dump a healthy van-load of junk at the municipal tip, and to clean my rental-home in hopeful-anticipation of receiving my full damage deposit back from the landlord. In each instance I started the day with a clear mental plan detailing how I intended the day to unfold; a list of tasks that would be completed, with an expectation of finishing quicker than planned. Quite why I carried this expectation is a mystery since in reality the converse couldn’t be truer. My reality is that no matter how rigorous I may be in planning a task, more often than not there will be things that emerge to complicate. More likely I will simply have underestimated how long it would really take either based on optimism or naivety. The same has also been true when planning how much I could cram into a day of leisure; a day when I hoped to take a hike through the local countryside, take a nap, do some writing and clean my car ended up being dominated by the walk at the expense of the other things. This was no bad thing and I enjoyed the time immensely. I wonder though how much more I might have enjoyed it if in the back of my mind I didn’t have a little voice reminding me of all the other things that I had planned and which were going to be missed? In my professional life I see repeatedly that projects usually, if not always take longer than planned to complete. This isn’t merely an indicator of professional incompetence or serial-optimism but rather a reality of life; no matter how much we may plan, forecast and anticipate delays, the reality is usually that a job done properly will take longer than planned. We specialise in Agile delivery (a methodology that is designed to deliver quick results at regular intervals) and yet even this structured approach can be subject to delaying factors, more often than not seeing delays, or at least less delivered on time than was originally planned. This law doesn’t seem to just apply at a task level either; it pervades virtually every aspect of my life. Building a career, improving my golf-swing, writing books, recovering from divorce, falling in love and finding my life-partner (and understanding what this really means), seeing returns on my investments, developing my business, gaining maturity as a parent, developing insight into how my kids think, becoming more proficient and competent professionally, improving my physical fitness, learning how to relate-to and influence different types of people, learning how to roast a turkey, becoming proficient with a power-drill, building an understanding of what dietary habits work for me; each of these diverse examples has taken me time to do, and far more time than I had ever expected or hoped they would at the outset. I was always an impatient child and I see now that this trait has not completely gone away in adulthood. If it had, I wouldn’t still be finding myself running out of time when trying to complete a task, or leaving work having accomplished a fraction of what I planned to over my morning coffee. What has changed as I’ve aged is that I believe I’ve become more realistic, more laissez-faire and more patient as a whole. I’m as optimistic as I ever was about what could be achieved but I now temper this with realism as to how long I am prepared to give a task before I see results. These days I still aim for the ultimate goal, but I’m also prepared to accept that it will take time and with the benefit of the aforementioned hindsight I can expect and enjoy lots of mini-goals along the way. That is surely the blessing of growing older, and certainly one thing that I’m incredibly grateful for in realising with the passing of time; in the past I would have taken it as a failing and something that I sought to correct (or complain about) if I didn’t get what I wanted, when I wanted it. Nowadays, I acknowledge the fact that along the way there have been, or will be micro-achievements that I can celebrate and the major-achievements will follow provided I’m patient and grateful for what has already gone by. My challenge now is in making sure I remember this when another deadline slips, and secondly, to instil this in my kids when they expect tomorrow’s results today. Toby Hazlewood - Divorced Lifestyle Design
A Judge has recently ruled in the case of Tracey Wright that she should go out and get herself a job rather than rely on her ex-husband to provide maintenance for her to live on. This has caused huge ripples as there is now expected to be a huge rush to the courts to renegotiate divorce settlements. Spouses can no longer rely on full financial support from their ex partners once their children reach age seven.
I think this has to be looked at from different angles as there are clearly two sides to this argument. It is worth bearing in mind as well that it also works both ways as it has become more common for husband to stay at home and the wife to be the bread winner.
Side 1: The married couple made a decision together that one of them would go out to work and the other would raise the children. Obviously there was never any intention to get divorced at this early stage of family life so it seemed like a sound decision in the best interests of the whole family. In this instance let’s assume it is the wife who decides to give up her career and look after the kids whilst the husband continues his career. The support at home enables him to grow and develop his career whilst his home life is being taken care of. So his earning potential increases over the years as does his skill set and potential value in the market place.
If further down the line they find themselves getting divorced and their youngest child is over seven years of age then the wife may well now be told to get herself a job as she cannot rely on the financial support of her husband. In this case the woman is at a huge disadvantage to create or maintain her lifestyle with her own career should she have to rely on her own earnings alone. She has been out of the work place for a minimum of seven years and her skill set will need updating. She will also be competing for jobs with others who have not taken a long break from the workplace. Even at seven years old a child would ideally have his mother around for bedtime and homework. So finding a job that can fit around children, childcare and skill set is not easy. It is an even more bitter sweet pill to swallow if the husband ended the marriage and the wife had no choice. Side 2: When a marriage ends and the couple decide to go their separate ways then why should the main bread winner be saddled with the financial responsibility of their ex? Isn’t it only fair that they step up and contribute to their lifestyle if they are getting a divorce? After all they are going their separate ways. Of course there are many who would hate to take a penny from their ex. As one of my Facebook followers wrote on my page recently: “I would rather eat glass than be dependent on my ex for anything” Realistically most couples have no choice but for both parties to go out and earn a living as there is not enough money to make it viable for one of them to stay at home with the kids. For them there is no option but to work. There are also many who do not give up their job when they have the kids. If they never sacrificed their place in the workplace or their personal financial independence then they may well think it is time for women to “stop milking their men” as Sarah Vine wrote in the Daily Mail this week. How to use this to your benefit:In my opinion after a divorce it is a helpful part of the healing and moving on process to start earning your own money. It helps you to identify who you are again and can work wonders for your confidence and self-esteem. It can also help you to meet new people and create a whole new future for yourself that you never dreamed of. The job doesn’t need to be scary or difficult - it could be something that fits around your children and that you really enjoy. You can always start small and work up to longer hours or something more challenging. So whether it is court ordered or not - getting a job is a great idea to help you rebuild your life and find happiness again. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/get-a-job-ruling_b_6767286.html
I am sure you realize this — there are going to be times in your life when the chips are down. You may lose a job, have health issues or suffer through a divorce or the loss of a loved one. Here is something interesting to think about — have you ever noticed that some people seem very resilient and they just somehow bounce back? Those people, when the chips are down still seem motivated and don’t give up? This is the big question — how do you stay motivated when the chips are down?
Here are some ways to stay motivated even when the chips are down or when the chips are crushed. 1. Take a “this too shall pass” perspective — Four years ago, I lost my wife tragically and suddenly. I still remember — even in the middle of the darkest days I would think — “I know I am suffering now but someday, I will be happy again.” Today I am very happy and married to an amazing woman. Think about this — that times may be tough now, but think about the fact that this time will pass and someday it won’t be as hard. I promise it is true and it was true for me. 2. Surround yourself with supportive loving people — When the chips are down — you need people who will root for you, give you encouragement, and support you emotionally and socially. People who will hold you up until you can stand on your own again. People who are upbeat, enthusiastic and optimistic. Great friends who will not judge you — but will make you feel better and help you believe in yourself and help you think that you can dig out of the hole you are in now. You need people you can talk to who will listen and let you vent. 3. Keep moving forward — One way of getting motivated when the chips are down is to take action. Ask yourself, what can you do to move forward? Even a small step is a step that can help. What actions can you take today? If you lose your job, and today you go on six job sites to register and post your resume, it is taking a small step to being employed again. When you are moving forward, you feel like you are making progress and that lightens your heart and increases your feeling of hope. Moving forward has a healing power for your life. As Martin Luther King once said “If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.” 4. What should you avoid — When the chips are down, you should make a conscious effort to avoid anything negative. Do not watch negative news on TV, don’t watch sad or depressing movies or documentaries. Don’t read anything sad. Make absolutely sure you don’t associate or tolerate being around any negative mean or toxic people. I call these people ESVs (Energy Sucking Vampires) As I blogged about on The Huffington Post in my post “The 9 Secrets of Happy People” — you need to avoid negative or toxic people. They will drag you down with them into the abyss. You need to be brought up, not down. 5. Be aware of and adjust your negative self-talk — When the chips are down it is easy to fall in the trap of constant negative self-talk. When you get divorced and you say to yourself “I am divorced because I am not attractive enough/smart enough/good enough” that is participating in negative self-talk. Decide to take any negative and turn it around and make it a positive. “Yes I am divorced but I learned a lot from that and I have a lot to offer the right person.” Another way of monitoring your self-talk is to write down your feelings in a journal. This helps you evaluate your real feelings. 6. Write down new goals — Adversity can be terrible, but it can also give us an opportunity to take a step back and reinvent ourselves and our lives. You can build a new life. Take some time and write down brand new life goals. That’s right — in every area of your life — financially, physically, mentally, spiritually, career, family life — you decide on the areas. These goals will get you excited and help you shift your life in a different direction. As Gail Goodwin once said “Adversity can be turned to opportunity simply be adjusting our perception and our attitude.” 7. Have some fun — Okay, the chips are down so how is it you are supposed to have fun? Well that is the reason why you should try to schedule some fun. Go out to dinner with a friend. Get some people together and go for a hike, sign up for a volley ball league, go learn something new. Yes that is right — schedule some fun into your life and when you do — the chips may still be down in some areas of your life but your spirits will be lifted. You may not know this but your mind believes what you tell it. Tell it “we are going to have some fun today.” 8. Step up to the positive buffet — Take a look on Amazon, or your local library or your kindle and download and read some positive books or audio. There are millions of books on positive thinking, motivation, and overcoming adversity. Step up to the buffet and start partaking of positive thoughts and ideas. When you are feeding your brain with new and positive ideas, you will feel more motivated and upbeat. So take some time, make a list and decide what you can do today to apply some of these ideas to get and stay motivated. As Vince Lombardi once said “the greatest accomplishment is not never falling, but rising again after you fall.” Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shawn-doyle/8-ways-to-stay-motivated-_b_9455570.html
This video discusses the need to keep ourselves focussed on today and on doing what we can in the moment to get the results we desire. Too often we get caught up in what happened yesterday, and this ruins our mindset for the now and for the future. Keep focussed on today and what you can do now to thrive!
