How to Grieve After Divorce

Grief is a tricky thing. We understand the process during the death of a loved one but forget its role during divorce.

Not allowing yourself to grieve during divorce means not giving yourself the chance to heal. And not giving yourself the chance to heal means not giving yourself the chance to move on with your life. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Divorce is like death. It is okay to mourn your loss. It is completely normal to feel like your world has crashed into a million pieces and that you will never recover from divorce. When you think about it, you’re actually reeling from multiple deaths during divorce, which makes it really hard to move on if you do not grieve:

• Death of your marriage.
• Death of the life you thought you knew.
• Death of your own identity as a partner and a member of a team.

That is a lot of loss to handle. Remember, you don’t have to just swallow your pain and act tough. Be okay with the fact that you went through something awful and traumatic that rocked the world and the life you though you knew. Unless you’re made of stone, you will feel like you have been hit by a freight train.

It is okay to be angry, in denial, scared, sometimes all within 10 minutes of each other. The trick comes in being kind enough in making peace with this loss, but motivated enough not to let it hold you prisoner, especially when there are so many beautiful things in this world, just waiting for you to discover them.


Turning that grief into insight
It is possible to process grief in a healthy manner. Remember to ask yourself powerful introspective questions that will help you move on. Some of these may include:

• What emotions can I not get my head around that seem to be ruining my life right now?
• How will I mindfully manage these emotions so they do not hold me prisoner?
• I cannot change the past. Moving forward, what steps will I take to ensure that I will heal?

Learning from your own mistakes but not blaming yourself
The things we learn are only as valuable as our willingness and ability to put them into context, determine how we would handle the situation differently, and then make a proactive plan to handle things differently in the future. This approach takes much self-awareness but without it, it may be very hard to heal. Some questions to ask yourself on the road to healing may include:

• What are some of the things that I blame myself for?
• What are some of the regrets that you still harbor?
• How can you change those feelings into something positive moving forward?

Getting support and holding yourself accountable
Regardless of whether the papers were signed years ago and you are still wondering how to make sense of it, or you are knee-deep in divorce drama right now, one of the strongest things you can do is reach out for support and remember that you do not have to grieve alone.

As a way of ensuring that you will reach out to someone, make the following pledges to yourself:

• By the end of today, I will…
• By the end of the week, I will…
• By the end of the month, I will…

These accountability pledges can be as simple or as detailed as you want. The point is to set that intention to reach out for support and follow up on it.

Healing from divorce is a process. But if you remember to show yourself compassion, the journey to the next chapter of your life is possible.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/06/08/how-to-grieve-after-divorce/

How Long Does "Typical" Divorce Recovery Take?

If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong

One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?

My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.

I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.

In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below.
*(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.)

While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side.

Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery

1. Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone
2. Don't talk about your grief/feelings
3. Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power)
4. Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away
5. Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together
6. Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry
7. Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions
8. Don't accept your new reality and move on
9. Don't trust that things will work out
10. Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors

Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery

1. Ask for help & let help in
2. Talk about your grief with others
3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
4. Face each obstacle as it arises
5. Let others know when you're not feeling well
6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
8. Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!)
9. Have trust/faith that things will work out
10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process

While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."

I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take

Going Through a Divorce: A Child's Perspective

A few thoughts on children going through a divorce.

Children usually feel a lot of pain and emotional conflict during and after divorce. Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it. The article below gives excellent insight into divorce from a child's perspective.

The Effects of Divorce on Children:

Dr. Deb Huntley, professor of psychology at Argosy University/Twin Cities says, "No matter what age a child is, he or she will have more difficulty adjusting to divorce if there is continued conflict between parents.

Other factors that add to this difficulty include, loss of contact with a competent, non-custodial parent; financial stress; a change of address; loss of continuity in school and home routines; psychological problems in the custodial or, non-custodial parent; and blurred boundaries between the parent and child.”

Going Through Divorce: From Your Child's Perspective

• Don't put me in the middle. If you need to talk to each other, please do it yourself. Don't give me notes to carry to my other parent. Don't keep secrets about me from my other parent. Don't put me in the position of having to answer questions I don't have answers to just because you don't like my other parent.
• Don’t make me take sides. You may not have a husband/wife anymore, but I still have a mom/dad. When possible, tell me something positive about my parent. And, don't expect me to hide how I feel about my other parent. I love both my parents, if you are an adult, you won't find that idea threatening. If you do, get help because I don't want to be harmed by your immaturity and anger.
• Unless there is are problems with domestic abuse, allow me to have access to both parents. Take this into account when you are deciding where to live. I want to see my other parent as often as possible. If it weren't for the divorce, I'd be seeing them every day. Don't let your divorce damage my relationship with my other parent.
• The better you are able to coparent with each other, the better I will be able to cope with the divorce. I don't want to hear you fight or see you exchange dirty looks. I don't want to have the police at my house just because you two can't get along. I'm more important than your anger at each other so, grow up and put me first.
• Ask me how I am doing and what I need. Even though you are going through your own loss, I need help talking about the divorce and how I am feeling. I need it is hard on you to get a divorce, guess what, it is hard on me too and I'm not the one who wanted a divorce. Think about that, I'm hurting over something I didn't want in the first place. Make sure you help me work through my pain.
• Try to keep everything else in my life the same. It is stressful enough to lose a parent to divorce, but even tougher to move to a different school, a new neighborhood, and a new home. The more things I have to change, the more emotional pain I feel. Keep me in mind when you are making major decisions about your divorce.
• Remember that I am your child. Although you have gone through a divorce, my role is not to replace your spouse or be a friend. Continue to treat me as your child. I don't want to hear about your problems. I don't want to worry about how you are doing. I want you to take care of me because it isn't my job to take care of you.
• If you need to talk to somebody about what you are going through, find a friend or a therapist. It is too much for me to carry your burden as well. If you don't like my Mom's new boyfriend, I don't need to know. If you don't like the way Dad parents when I'm with him, talk to Dad about it, not me. I'm not your sounding board!
• No matter what my age is, this is still a loss for me. I may show my grief in many different ways, including anger, depression, anxiety, or acting-out behavior. Please get me help if I am having difficulty.
• I long for continuity, routine, and tradition. Although our family has changed, keep as many traditions and routines the same as possible. I want to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins on both sides of the family. I want time with both my parents and their families during the holidays. You are my parents, it's your job to make sure these things happen.

We've all heard how resilient children are and how quickly they bounce back after a divorce. I'm sure you've also heard that if a parent is happy the children will be happy also. Well, that isn't always the situation so, it pays to not project your own beliefs about the divorce onto your children. Give them a voice, view them as autonomous beings with their own take on the situation and work with them based on their feelings.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/going-through-a-divorce-a-childs-perspective-1103247

6 Emotional Stages to Keep in Mind During and After Divorce

Grief for a separated partner is normal and you will get through it

Everyone will react differently to divorce. The vulnerable will endure emotional stages similar to grieving the death of a loved one. It is better to be armed with expectations of the separation process; at least this way, the worst feelings will not have the upper hand when they begin to manifest.

Just like with grief of any kind it is common to move back and forth between the stages. You may find some of the stages easier to navigate than others.

The thing to remember is that you will eventually find hope and healing.

Why Do People Grieve After a Divorce?

Why grieve the loss of your marriage? There are three reasons you may enter the grieving process during and after your divorce.

You're still in love or can't let go. Loving someone means you were attached to that person being part of your daily life. Losing a spouse via divorce is equal to losing a spouse to death.
You relied on your spouse. Your spouse, for years, was someone you could count on. You both gave and received many things from each other and your relationship. Due to divorce, you are losing both the physical and emotional aspects of the relationship you had with your spouse and came to depend on. Sexual intimacy will come to an end as will their emotional support.

Lifestyle changes. You shared a home and family together. You had plans together and dreams of the future. Whether the relationship was stable or not, divorce means giving up the lifestyle you had (or hoped for) with your spouse and adjusting to dramatic changes in your life.

6 Emotional Stages of Divorce

1. Denial: You find it hard to believe this is happening to you. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home. You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You are convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems. Denial is a powerful coping tool some use to keep from facing the reality of their situation. 
2. Shock: You feel panic, rage, and numbness. You may feel like you are going crazy. You swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It seems impossible to cope with these feelings. Fear is common when considering a life alone; you may wonder how you are going to survive after your divorce. Many feelings and questions seem impossible to shake, but the most important thing is to remember that they are temporary.
3. Rollercoaster: Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat. You can’t seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you try to break down what has happened in order to understand your pain and make it go away. This can lead to many destructive thoughts, from how things could have gone differently to placing the blame entirely on yourself.
4. Bargaining: You still hold onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself and if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being. The left behind spouse—the one who didn't want a divorce—is likely to linger in this stage longer than the spouse who chose to divorce.
5. Letting go: During this stage, you realize that the marriage is over, and that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex-spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You begin to feel a sense of liberation and hope for the future.
6. Acceptance: The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you, and you begin to feel as if you can have a fulfilling life. You make plans and follow through with them. You open up to the idea of finding new interests. You no longer dwell on the past, but are emotionally prepared for the future. This is a period of growth where you discover that you have strengths and talents to build on and you are able to go forward in spite of your fear. Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/common-emotional-stages-of-divorce-1102715

5 Crappy Things You Need To Feel (If You Want To Get Over Your Divorce)

You're grieving! Cut yourself some slack.

We always hear about the five stages of grief a person goes through when a loved one passes away. But, did you know that you will also go through these five stages of grief after a divorce?

When you go through a divorce it's like a death of love. Even if you're the one who initiated the divorce, you will still grieve. This is because you are not only mourning the loss of your marriage, you are also grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams — the belief of what you thought your life was going to look like.

I want to emphasize that each person will go through the stages of grief differently and there is no set length of time. The ultimate goal is to get to the fifth stage: acceptance.

Some experts agree that it takes one year for every ten years of marriage to get over it. That's quite a long time; a lot can happen in a year. However, it may take you more or less time depending upon several factors, including who initiated the divorce, how happy you were in the marriage, and your own personal state of confidence and well-being.

During the grieving process, you will often feel particular emotional effects of divorce as well.

A review of the five stages of grief as they relate to divorce:

1. You just can't seem to accept that it's really over.

Believe it or not, the denial stage often begins during the marriage. It may be hard to believe or accept the fact that your marriage is over. You hold on to a sliver of hope that things can be different — that things will change. You believe that the two of you will be able to spark that magic that once occurred in your relationship.

Denial is normal. It's a way to help you grasp the fact of what's happening without overwhelming emotions. It's a way for you to hide from the facts in order to deal with the pain.

Other forms of denial include not believing they want out of the marriage, not believing that they are in love with another, or finding it difficult to believe that this is really happening to you. After all, you never thought you would find yourself in this situation.

2. Everything about your ex makes you angry.

During and after your divorce, you may experience anger directed in a variety of ways depending on the situation that ultimately led to the divorce.

For example, you may be angry at your ex for cheating. You could be angry at his boss for making him work long hours. You could be angry about her using alcohol or drugs or for not caring enough to make things work. You may be angry at yourself for not seeing the writing on the wall, for putting up with their crap for as long as you did, or for not showing them the love and respect that they craved.

Anger also occurs because of the way he treats the kids. You are angry that he doesn't call the kids, visit them, or seem to care about them. You're angry that she doesn't pay child support on time or that she left you in a financial mess. Whatever the reason, you're gonna feel it.

3. You find yourself thinking "If only..." often.

Bargaining is so much more than trying to figure out ways to win them back. The bargaining stage is where you find yourself thinking, "If only..." "I could have..." "I should have..." and "What if?"

In essence, you are attempting to change the past or the current reality through your thoughts. In a way, bargaining is trying to rationalize what happened. You think, "If only I had seen it coming," "If only I had tried harder," or, "If only I had forced them to go to counseling." You are trying to fix what has already happened.

Bargaining may also come in the form of revenge toward your ex, and possibly his or her new lover. You hope that your ex will get what is coming. You may be thinking, "I want them to be as miserable as I am," or "I wish they would just get run over by a bus." This is also normal.

4. You just want to bury yourself under the covers for months.

Odds are you, you're gonna go through depression, not eating, exercising, or sleeping properly. The nights are filled with restless sleep and dreams of what might have been, as well as nightmares that you will wind up a bag lady alone on the streets.

During the depression stage, you may feel a deep sadness over the loss of your marriage. You may be hurt that your vows did not mean as much to your spouse as they did to you. You may cry over the fact that he was not the person you thought he was. You shed tons of tears for your children.

While in a depressed state, you may play victim by labeling your ex as a narcissist, sociopath, or compulsive liar in order to get through the pain.

You may find yourself depressed over the fact that you lost your home and have to move in with family or friends, or that you need to find a new job to support yourself. The mere thought that you are totally on your own may scare the heck out of you. This overwhelming fear may revert you back to any of the other stages of grief.

5. Finally, you are ready to build a new life for yourself.

Acceptance comes when you fully accept the fact that your marriage, as well as your hopes and dreams for the future together, are over. It is at this point that you are ready to build a new life for yourself. Acceptance is letting go of the past.

Even after accepting the divorce, you may still find yourself dealing with anger, blame, or guilt. However, your emotions get less intense as time goes on. For the most part, you feel indifference for who your ex is and what they are doing. You have separated your personal life from theirs. If you have children together, you learn to co-parent without rehashing old hurts.

You are like the foundation of a house. It can withstand fire as well as the most severe of storms. You built your marriage on top of this foundation. The marriage crumbled, the walls came falling down, and you grieved. When you sweep away the debris, you are left with a beautiful, strong foundation to build your new life on.

Source: https://www.yourtango.com/experts/cindy-holbrook/5-stages-grief-during-divorce

How to Know if You’re Stuck in Your Grief Post-Divorce

Are you stuck or right where you should be?

When was the last time you thought about life with your ex? Last week? Yesterday? Two minutes ago?

A month ago, a man named Joseph called me to tell me that he was four years post divorce, but he felt like he was stuck in his recovery. Not a day went by when he didn’t think about his wife—how much he missed her, how sad he was that she left him, and how lost he was in the world. He realized that the feelings he has now are only mildly less intense than those he had when her leaving was fresh.

It’s normal and healthy to relive both good and bad moments in time when you were married. It’s an unavoidable part of the grief process. But there will come a day when, if you aren’t moving forward, the very same thoughts and feelings will be deemed unhealthy.
Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. If we don’t bounce back, that means the healing is stalled and it’s important to get a handle on why you might be stuck.

How long your emotional recovery takes depends on a number of factors such as whether you saw the split coming, whether it was your choice, whether you were left for another, whether you have kids, whether you are self-supporting, whether you’re getting adequate help and whether you have the right resources and information around you, to name a few.

There is a way out, but most people need some kind of help to get there. I can say this with confidence after 15 years of doing this work. I’ve seen who gets beyond the divorce and I see who gets stuck (and why).

Seven Tools for Getting on the Other Side of Your Divorce Grief

Those who get on the other side take advantage of a combination of at least three of the following seven tools:

1. They read books to help them sort out their experience and their feelings/reaction to the experience.

2. They have a strong support network that will go the distance with them (often friends and family are available for a couple of months but then you may feel like you’re a downer all the time or that you’re burdening them (or they stop taking or returning your calls!).

3. They journal.

4. They seek professional help.

5. They join a support group.

6. They allow themselves to be where they are and they don’t try to rush through the grief process or pretend to be further along than they are.

7. They want to feel better (this one may seem obvious but it's crucial to getting better!).

This week, one of my group members, Sally (not her real name), announced that, after 2 1/2 years, she feels she’s FINALLY getting past the divorce being her entire story. It was when she realized she had a “normal” weekend that she became aware that she was in the new chapter of her life—not waiting and wishing for it any longer!

Because she’s been dealing with a narcissistic ex (one of the most difficult kinds of exes!), she has had to work hard on finding ways to minimize the impact of his cruel and often unpredictable treatment. She knows she will never get it right 100% of the time, but what’s so good is that she knows that it’s not about her (and the best part of her healing is that she now knows it never was about her!). She’s free to move on. And wow, does it feel great.

Along with participating in one of my groups, Sally was in individual therapy, she read lots of books on the subject and she was a big journal writer (there’s actually exciting new neuroscience showing the benefits of journaling* so, while it may seem passive, it’s actually moving the pain out of your brain!) She definitely wanted to feel better right from the start but she couldn't imagine how she'd ever get there.

Joseph, on the other hand, assumed that time would heal his wounds and he was too proud to reach out for any kind of help. He didn't speak to anyone, didn't read anything (except maybe on-line tid bits once in a while), and he felt like such a loser that he didn't think he even deserved to feel better. As a result, he became stuck in his grief.

But it’s never too late to reach out and I’m confident that Joseph will find his way through the process.

Here are some books I suggest you read on healing and, if you’re interested, please contact me to join the 4-week Stronger Day by Day teleseries. There’s more information below:

READING LIST:

Stronger Day by Day, Susan Pease Gadoua
Beyond Divorce, Jeannine Lee
Splitting, Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/contemplating-divorce/201505/how-know-if-you-re-stuck-in-your-grief-post-divorce

7 Steps To Stay Positive After A Divorce

When a relationship ends you don’t just divorce a partner, you divorce a life. The life together and future plans you built around the relationship are ending. You also enter a lengthy, and potentially draining, legal process. It can feel like you’re starting a marathon run without any prior training.

How can you stay resilient through this challenging process?

1. Get physically healthy.

If you do not have an exercise routine, now is the time to start. Try walking, joining a gym, or taking community classes. Anything that gets you moving helps you feel better about yourself, and improves your health when you need it the most.

2. Stay organized.

Divorce is a confusing and overwhelming process. Keeping all your records and personal documents well-organized goes a long way in giving you some sense of control. A notebook by your bedside can be a great resource when those burning questions about the legal process or financial matters pop into your head in the middle of the night. Jotting down questions to research in the morning can help you get back to sleep. A file box to keep legal documents can help you maintain organization and a sense of keeping “it” separate from your daily routine.

3. Have a plan to manage your emotions.

Divorce is painful, scary, and sometimes a lonely process. Resist the urge to do something when emotions overwhelm you. Get off Facebook or other social media. Don’t let sleepless, 3am emotions turn into communications that you will regret. Try shutting off your phone, and putting your computer away at night. Again, have a notebook by your bed to write out a long rant if needed. If you cannot keep yourself from writing an email, draft it, do not send it, until you have reviewed it in the morning.

4. Stabilize your life as much as you can.

Don’t move if you can avoid it. If necessary, consider taking a temporary apartment in your neighborhood (especially if you have children). Don’t change jobs, make extravagant purchases, or start new romantic relationships. You need your energy to focus and move forward with your life.

5. Grieve.

Anger will eventually be replaced by a need to mourn what has ended. Whether or not you wanted a divorce does not matter. When a life you had planned is over, give yourself time to grieve and let go so your future can open up. Forgive yourself if necessary be kind to yourself always.

6. Explore what is important to you now.

Are there interests you put aside when you got married or started a family? Get curious about what has meaning for you now. Take classes, read about new things, and create a “Wish Board” full of pictures to inspire a new beginning. Focus on your future.

7. Get support along the way.

An attorney can handle the legal issues. Other professionals, like a counselor or knowledgeable finance expert can help your understand the issues, many times more affordable than an attorney. Friends and family may or may not understand what you are going through, but unbiased support is critical. Find a Divorce Coach who can help you stay organized, future focused, and resilient through the process.

Following these seven steps will empower you, educate you and remove much of the fear and uncertainty that lies ahead. Remember this: When relationships end and nothing is certain, everything becomes possible.

Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11280/7-steps-to-stay-positive-after-a-divorce.html

Creating Your New Life After Divorce: 10 Tips for Starting Over

Your divorce is over. You’ve separated your finances and divided the furniture. You are officially done with lawyers and judges and the whole divorce system. You know that it’s time to let go of the past and start your new life after divorce. But at this point, you have no idea how!

The Usual Advice About Starting a New Life After Divorce

When most people think of starting over after divorce what they’re really thinking about is: dating! While dating is certainly a part of life after divorce, it’s not ALL there is to think about. You’ve also got the less sexy, more practical stuff to figure out.

You’ve got to learn how to change the storm windows, balance the checkbook, and cook for the kids. You’ve got to do all of the things that your spouse used to do. What’s more, you’ve got to learn to do all of those things alone.

That part sucks the most.

Plus, you may still not be feeling like you’re on top of your game.

Your divorce may have left you drained – financially and emotionally. You may feel broken and bullied, or possibly betrayed. What’s more, it may feel like you’re light years away from “getting over it,” even though that’s exactly what your friends tell you that you should do.

It’s as if everyone thinks that there’s some magic switch in your brain that you can just flip to become instantly happy and whole.

If only it were that easy.

10 Tips for Creating Your New Life After Divorce

Like it or not, there is no “magic formula” for getting over your divorce. There is no “average amount of time” it takes to put your divorce behind you and start creating your new life after divorce.

Every person is different.

Yet, there are things that you can do to make your healing after divorce easier – and faster. Here are 10 tips you can try when you’re building your new life after divorce.

1. Grieve.

Getting a divorce is the second most stressful life transition you can make. (The first is surviving the death of your spouse.) It makes sense then that most people experience divorce as a loss. In a very real sense, divorce is the “death” of your marriage. If you want to get over that death in a healthy way, you have to let yourself grieve.

Yet what most people don’t realize is that a divorce is way more than just the death of your marriage.

It’s also the death of your dream of “happily ever after.” It’s the death of your intact, nuclear family. It’s the death of your role as husband or wife. In many ways, it’s the death of your very identity – who you thought you were in the world.

If you don’t give yourself time to grieve all of these “deaths,” you will never be able to let go and move on. Without meaning to, you will hold on to your anger and resentment. Instead of creating a bright new future, you’ll find yourself clinging to the tarnished and distant past.

If you do nothing else to build your new life after divorce – grieve. Everything else grows out of that.

2. Remember Who You Are.

Lots of people lose themselves in their marriage. They’re so busy focusing on “we” that they lose sight of “me.” Their identity becomes completely merged into their role as husband, wife, father or mother. That’s totally understandable. In order to make a solid couple, you’ve got to compromise bits of yourself.

The problem is that when you get divorced, your identity as a couple disappears. Suddenly, there is no more “we.” But, after you’ve been married for years (or decades!) you may feel like there’s no longer a “me” either!

Re-establishing your identity as a separate individual takes time. It also takes a lot of soul-searching. It’s not as if you can open a book entitled, “Me … Before Marriage.” You have to work to dig up the pieces of you that you may have left behind. You also have to decide which pieces of “the old you” you want to resurrect, and which pieces are better left in the past.

How do you do that? The best way to start is by looking inside.

You need to spend time thinking about the things that you used to love to do before you were married. Think about things you wanted to do while you were married, but couldn’t do because they weren’t practical, or because your spouse wouldn’t have approved. Try doing those things now. See how you feel. Keep doing what feels right. Let go of what feels wrong.

3. Decide Who You Want to Be.

Remembering who you are is a great first step in rebuilding your identity and your life. But if all you do is remember who you WERE in the past you lose the opportunity to create an even better you in the future.

When you’re going through a major life transition, like divorce, you get to wipe the slate clean and start all over again. You get to DECIDE who you want to be, and what you want your future to look like. If that sounds simple and naïve, consider this.

Every person who has ever lost a pound on a diet started by deciding they wanted to lose weight. Everyone who has ever created a business, or started a new relationship, or learned to compete in any activity, did so by first deciding that that is what they wanted to do.
There is power in your decisions. But to use that power, you have to actually make decisions.

No matter what you do, life goes on. If you don’t take the time to consciously create the life you want, then you end up getting whatever kind of life you get. Life doesn’t stop just because you haven’t decided what you want. That’s why making a decision now, when you’re at this point in your life, is so important.

4. Hang on to Your Therapist.

Just because your divorce is over, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready to take on the world alone! Keeping your therapist by your side, at least for a little while longer, can make your transition into your new life after divorce much smoother.

Remember, once your divorce is final, you officially start your “year of firsts” – your first set of holidays alone, your first single parent experiences, your first time checking the box on the form that says “Divorced.” While not all of those “firsts” may be a big deal to you, some of them may trigger emotions that surprise you.

Your therapist can also help you work through any lingering negativity from your divorce. S/he can help you deal with any stifled anger, unresolved resentment, and feelings of hurt and betrayal that you may still be grappling with.

Finally, your therapist (or coach!) can also help you deal with your relationship with your ex. While you may think that won’t be necessary, if you have kids – it’s necessary!

Therapists and coaches are uniquely qualified to teach you the communication skills that will make co-parenting with your ex easier. As a bonus, if your kids have problems adjusting to their new family situation, your therapist can be an amazing resource. S/he can help you understand what may be going on with your kids. S/he can also refer you to a good child psychologist if you need it.

5. Learn to Rely on Yourself.

When you’re part of a couple, it’s normal to divide responsibilities between you and your spouse. You can get a whole lot more done if you’re responsible for certain daily chores and your spouse is responsible for others.

It’s definitely more efficient for you and your spouse to do different things when you’re married. The problem is, once you get divorced, you often have to become a jack-of-all-trades. Either that, or you have to be willing to pay someone else to do what your spouse used to do for you.

Since money is usually tight after you get a divorce, most people find themselves having to learn to do all kinds of things that they never thought they would have to do. Believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing.

There are few things in life that are more empowering than being able to say, “I did it myself!” Being reasonably self-sufficient gives you a tremendous amount of control over your life.

You don’t need to spend money hiring someone to do things for you. You also don’t need to hang around and wait for the person you hired to show up, or to do the job well. You can do what needs to be done yourself AND feel confident and accomplished in the process.

6. Consciously Cultivate New Friendships.

You lose a lot of friends when you get divorced.

Couples that you and your ex used to hang out with now avoid you like you’ve just contracted a highly contagious case of MERSA. Friends you’ve had for years take sides with your ex. Neighbors keep their distance as if getting a divorce was some sort of social disease that they’re afraid they’ll catch too.

Losing all those friends – on top of losing your spouse! – can make you feel isolated and lonely. That’s why getting out and making new friends now is so important.

If you haven’t got the faintest idea how to make new friends, start small. Go to lunch with a co-worker. Join a health club or a Meet Up group and start talking to people. Volunteer to work at a church or a charity. Once you get used to it, you’ll find there are a million ways to meet new people.

Of course, if your divorce has left you feeling rather anti-social, that’s okay too. It’s perfectly fine to hibernate for a while. But if your divorce has been over for months (or years!) then it may be time for you to force yourself to come out of your cave!

7. Release, Rearrange and Redecorate.

Whether we think about it or not, our homes have a huge impact on how we feel. Our surroundings directly affect our mood.

Unfortunately, when you’re going through a divorce, you’re not always in control of your surroundings. They’re also generally one of the last things you have time to worry about. But, once your divorce is behind you, focusing on your environment can be a quick, easy way to dramatically improve the way you feel.

If you got the house in your divorce, chances are that it is still full of all kinds of things that remind you of your ex. Even if you didn’t get the house, chances are you still have all kinds of “stuff” that brings back memories. If those things make you feel good, awesome! Keep them. If not, then now may be the time to do a little household purge.

While you’re throwing out what you no longer want or need, you may also want to think about redecorating in a more major way. Believe it or not, this doesn’t have to be expensive.

A fresh coat of paint in a new color can totally change the way a room feels. Re-arranging the furniture can make your house look and feel completely different. Not only will changing your environment change the way you feel, but it’s also a symbolic outward sign that you’ve started a new life.

8. Tie Up Your Loose Ends.

Just because the judge pronounced you divorced, that doesn’t mean that you’re done with your divorce paperwork! (Sorry!)

If you and your spouse have any joint accounts, or are co-signors on each other’s credit cards, now is the time to separate those things. If you need to formally divide your retirement accounts – do it now!

It doesn’t matter that dealing with all this legal stuff is the LAST thing you want to do. Not dividing your assets or debts immediately after divorce can create a legal and financial disaster later. Plus, putting off dealing with all your “loose ends” only makes you dread dealing with them more. (It also makes it less likely your loose ends will ever get tied up!)

Now is also the time to re-do your will and change the beneficiary on your life insurance policy. Notify your employee benefits department of your divorce. If you need to get your own health insurance after divorce, make sure you do that right away. Health insurance companies have strict deadlines. If you miss the coverage deadline, you may end up going without decent health insurance for months until the next open enrollment period comes around.

Finally, if you have kids, you may want to set up a joint “kids’ calendar” with your ex. This could be a simple Google Calendar. Or you can use special co-parenting software. Setting up a joint calendar will help you and your ex keep your kids’ lives running as smoothly as possible after your divorce.

9. Create a Bucket List.

When you’re married, you have to compromise. You put aside your dreams of going to exotic places where your ex doesn’t want to go. You don’t do things you’d love to do if you know your ex would hate doing them.

Now is the time to dust off your dreams and create a “bucket list” of things you’d love to do and places you want to go.

Not everything on your list needs to be expensive or unusual. If you’ve always dreamed of planting a garden in your backyard, or getting a dog, that’s fine. It’s YOUR bucket list. What matters is that the things you put on that list matter to you.

That’s not to say that you’ll be able to do everything on your bucket list as soon as the ink is dry on your divorce decree. But that’s not what matters anyway.

The point of making a bucket list is not to DO everything on the list at once. The point of making a bucket list is to let yourself dream about what you want. Creating those dreams is the first step in making them real.

10. Forgive.

This is, by far, the hardest part of building your new life after divorce. It’s also the most important.

If the thought of forgiving your ex still makes your blood boil, go back to tip number 4 and talk to your therapist. (Sorry, but you’ve still got some work to do!)

The truth is the anger and resentment you carry against your ex doesn’t hurt your ex. It hurts you. It makes you unhappy and upset. If you hang on to it for too long you become bitter. Meanwhile, your ex can live his/her life in whatever way s/he wants while your anger eats you alive. (True, you can go out of your way to create drama for your ex. But, that ups the level of drama in your life – and in your kids’ lives – even more!)

Your ex isn’t the only one you have to forgive though. Step by step you need to work through your anger against your ex’s lawyer, the court system, the judge, your ex’s “sweetie” and all the friends you lost in your divorce. Most of all, you need to forgive yourself.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re human. Humans aren’t perfect. They make mistakes. You probably did too. It’s okay. Resenting yourself, or constantly feeling like you are a failure, or a helpless victim, or a bad person, is counter-productive. Those feelings stand in your way. Until you let them go they will keep you from moving forward with your life.

Creating the Life of Your Dreams

Divorce may not have been what you wanted for your life. It plucks you out of your comfort zone and shakes you to your core. It turns your world upside down and threatens everything you hold dear.

Yet, even the worst divorce can have a silver lining. But, you have to look for it. To start, you have to want to look for it. You have to be willing to let go of the pain and the drama. It’s hard. But, if you do, in time you may find that the worst experience of your life also brought with it the greatest opportunities to create the happiness you crave.

Source: https://karencovy.com/your-new-life-after-divorce/

What to Do About Deep Loneliness Post-Divorce

Three tools to push through the pain and get on the other side.

Melissa has been incredibly lonely since her husband moved out last December.

She called me after reading my newsletter talking about a retreat I was hosting. She told me she was thrilled to see an opportunity to meet other women in transition. Melissa was now in the middle of her divorce and realized that she was still feeling very lonely.

After her split, it seemed like her friends mysteriously fell away and she found it hard to meet new people. This is something I hear a lot from the divorced population. Even today, well into the 21st Century. As far as our culture has come with accepting divorce as a reality, the social stigma is still alive and well. Couples or married individuals don't necessarily want to hang out with single or divorced folks.

For Melissa, this was definitely unexpected fallout from her breakup and it added an extra layer of pain and loss to an already painful situation.

Being a take-charge kind of person, Melissa attempted to remedy the social situation. She joined a gym, a book club and she even got a part-time job but none of these activities produced any lasting friendships.Everyone was either married (and didn't want to hang out with a single woman), much younger than she, or too busy. Another issue for Melissa is that she was longing for deep, meaningful relationships where she could talk about the pain of her marriage ending as well as the challenge of starting life over at the age of 48. Her friends and family were very supportive to her for a couple of months but since March, they've all but stopped returning her calls.

It is this sense of isolation and marginalization that propelled me to start running groups back in 2000 and to hold more regular retreats. I have found these outlets to be not only magical ways to help participants find a way out of the marginalization, but it can be a powerful springboard into the next chapter of their lives.

There are three important tools I've learned over the years that can help anyone get through divorce better and come out of that isolation.

1. Grieve until your grief is over — Grief sucks. That's why most people want to be done with the emotional roller coaster far before the process is over. But the more you fight it, the more you actually prolong it. (And, by the way, getting into a new relationship will, at best, postpone your grief. You really can't escape it).

Be with your grief and it will actually pass quicker.

2. Don't stay stuck in the past longer than your grief needs you to— Although you must feel the sadness and perhaps even anger as part of your grief, there's a point at which you will want to look at the road ahead rather than continuing to look in the rear view mirror. You have a right to all of your feelings but if you see everything through a divorce lens for years afterward, you won't go on to enjoy life.

There is life—even fabulous life—beyond divorce.

Keep moving.

3. Ask for help — This is one of the more important things you can do to get past your pain and heartache.

Those who reach out for help always land on their feet whereas those who try to go it alone, end up suffering much more and don't do nearly as well. Over the years, I've watched many great people connect with other great people in my groups or workshops and go on to form close friendships. Some even find movie partners or travel companions.

Connecting with others in a similar place has brought these divorcees

out of their isolation and into mainstream life again. Spending a weekend with other women who were wanting to stay positive and take control of their destiny is the perfect remedy for people like Melissa.

Find a new community.

This last tool is particularly important.

When any of us goes through a difficult transition, we feel like this will be our reality forever. Yet, people get divorced every day and many, if not most, come out okay on the other side.

How well you do depends in part on your circumstances. There are definitely some scenarios that are tougher than others to reconcile, such as being left by your spouse for someone else (or worse, being left by your spouse for your best friend) versus splitting by mutual agreement.

But it also depends on how you handle yourself and the situation. Using these three tools will help you get on the other side of the pain faster and better.
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In her TED talk, Brene Brown says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." This connection requires vulnerability at a time when you may be feeling most rejected, raw and most in need of protection. Push through your fears (if you can) and reach out.

There are more groups today than ever before but, unfortunately, not all of them provide deep connection among members. Drop-in groups or informational divorce classes just don't offer the same intimacy as the closed groups (those where members commit and return each session) where people can share more vulnerably and honestly.

It is through this deep and vulnerable sharing that healing can occur. Staying at home and trying to ignore the sadness or grief will only postpone it. The pain will lay in wait until your defenses are down (often when you are tired or sick or stressed) and then, any and all unexpressed emotion will take over.

The good news is that, by dealing head on with your emotions, this is preventable. Follow the tools of: 1. Allowing the grief to be there; 2. Moving on when the grief has been expressed, and; 3. Finding a new community.

Those who, like Melissa, reach out from their pain in order to get through this tough time, look back and see how doing the opposite of what they were inclined to do (stay safe at home in front of the TV) brought the desired healing. It is available to anyone who wants it.

Wishing you the strength to push through the pain as well as healing through the fear, sadness and loneliness.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201706/what-do-about-deep-loneliness-post-divorce

Seven Ways to Thrive After Divorce

How to Enjoy Life After Divorce

Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well.

After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life.

It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you.

Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Magnificence
Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference
During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) Learn to let go
Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go!

4) Lighten-up
Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up!

Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.
So how do we live in the present?

If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you.

To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes You Truly Happy?
What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass!

Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own.

When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?
Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.

To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy.

A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion.

If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy?

One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly.

7) Be True To Yourself
During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I?

It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry!

If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun!

In summary:
Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step.

To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone?

Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine?

- Will I always feel this lonely?
- I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life.
- I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life!
- How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis?
- Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life?
If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce

The Emotional Fallout of Divorce and the 5 Stages of Relationship Grief

Andrew Lawes knows how you can hit bottom after a divorce. But he’s here to tell you how to survive.

I remember when I found out my marriage was over. It sent me into a downward spiral; a drink-and-drug-fueled period of bad memories and even worse situations. I didn’t care—the pain inside me was too raw, too visceral to cope with. Blacking out and forgetting was better than dealing with the crushing reality that the woman I loved no longer shared the same emotions.

Maybe you are experiencing this situation right now. Maybe you are also struggling to cope with the fallout of divorce, and are engaging in some questionable activities. Maybe, like me, your days have become about existing, rather than living. You don’t know when the pain will end. All you want is for it to go away.

There is no timescale for how long it takes a broken heart to heal. Sometimes it can take days; other break-ups can take months or even years to overcome. There is no secret cure; all you can do is continue living.

As a man, my mentality is the same as most other men: there’s a problem; how can I fix it? How can I save this relationship? The truth is that, most likely, you can’t. Nobody walks away from a marriage without an awful lot of thought. When the conclusion they have come to is that it is over, there is very little you can do.

The Kübler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief can be applied to the end of a relationship. Although nobody has passed away, you still need to grieve. The death of a relationship; the ending of a future you had planned out; in many ways, it is harder to handle than death. At least there is finality to death. With heartbreak, there is no finality. There is no clean break. You can’t help but wonder “what if…?”

The five stages of the Kübler-Ross model are: Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression and Acceptance. Each of them apply to the end of a relationship equally as much as the grieving process:

Denial – “This isn’t happening” “Don’t be silly, it’s just a row. You’ll feel different in the morning”

Anger – “Why are you doing this to us?” “What have I ever done that’s so bad?”

Bargaining – “I can change” “Please, let’s work through this”

Depression – “It’s all my fault” “I don’t blame them for leaving”

Acceptance – “It was over; it has been for a while, I just couldn’t see it”

All of the above are phrases I’ve used during the period after a break-up, and I suspect I am not alone in that. I have used them to highlight how the Kübler-Ross model of grief relates to the end of a relationship too. Now, it isn’t as clean-cut as I’ve perhaps made it appear. You may get to the Bargaining stage and then slip back to Denial. Depression and Anger often overlap; especially in men, who generally display signs of depression differently to women. Indeed, the first four stages can be a nightmare to work through, and there will be times when you feel you will never get past it.

You will.

When you reach the stage of Acceptance, that is the moment you will start to live again. The thing is, you can’t wait around for the acceptance of the situation to come—that isn’t how it works. Acceptance isn’t a moment when you suddenly become fine with what’s happened, and waiting for that moment makes it much more unlikely to come.

What you need to do is focus on yourself. Look at the aspects of your own life that you are unhappy with. Maybe you feel like you have let yourself go physically. Maybe you feel like your life has become mundane and routine. These are all things that you have the power to change, so do it! Sign up to a gym; take up jogging, work on your physique. If your life has become boring, make more time for the things you enjoy, and take up new hobbies. Become the man you’ve always wanted to be, and you’ll find that acceptance of the divorce comes so much quicker.

It is important to reflect on why the marriage ended. In the immediate aftermath, people always tend to blame the other party, but there is always fault on both sides. If you can begin to understand why the relationship failed, then it will leave you in good stead for the future. Hard as it may be to believe right now, one day, you will love again. When that day comes, be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Learn from the mistakes of relationships past.

You may think you can’t get through this time, but you will. Sometimes, good things have to fall apart so better things can fall into place. Focus on yourself, and improving your life, and I promise you will be happy again.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-emotional-fallout-of-divorce-and-the-5-stages-of-relationship-grief/

How Long Does "Typical" Divorce Recovery Take?

If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong

One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?

My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.

I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.

In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below.

*(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.)

While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side.

Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery

1. Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone
2. Don't talk about your grief/feelings
3. Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power)
4. Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away
5. Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together
6. Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry
7. Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions
8. Don't accept your new reality and move on
9. Don't trust that things will work out
10. Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors

Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery

1. Ask for help & let help in
2. Talk about your grief with others
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3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
4. Face each obstacle as it arises
5. Let others know when you're not feeling well
6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
8. Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!)
9. Have trust/faith that things will work out
10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process

While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."

I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take