7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.

Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return.

We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship.

If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.

1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free.

If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.

2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship.

In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship.

3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues.

Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce.

4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense.

In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen.

5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire.

You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give  you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one.

6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape.

Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah.  Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.

7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship.

Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time.

And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.

Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person?

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-healthy-post-divorce-relationship-jmac/

Turning Negative Thinkers Into Positive Ones

Most mornings as I leave the Y after my swim and shower, I cross paths with a coterie of toddlers entering with their caregivers for a kid-oriented activity. I can’t resist saying hello, requesting a high-five, and wishing them a fun time. I leave the Y grinning from ear to ear, uplifted not just by my own workout but even more so by my interaction with these darling representatives of the next generation.

What a great way to start the day!

When I told a fellow swimmer about this experience and mentioned that I was writing a column on the health benefits of positive emotions, she asked, “What do you do about people who are always negative?” She was referring to her parents, whose chronic negativity seems to drag everyone down and make family visits extremely unpleasant.

I lived for half a century with a man who suffered from periodic bouts of depression, so I understand how challenging negativism can be. I wish I had known years ago about the work Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina, has done on fostering positive emotions, in particular her theory that accumulating “micro-moments of positivity,” like my daily interaction with children, can, over time, result in greater overall well-being.

The research that Dr. Fredrickson and others have done demonstrates that the extent to which we can generate positive emotions from even everyday activities can determine who flourishes and who doesn’t. More than a sudden bonanza of good fortune, repeated brief moments of positive feelings can provide a buffer against stress and depression and foster both physical and mental health, their studies show.

This is not to say that one must always be positive to be healthy and happy. Clearly, there are times and situations that naturally result in negative feelings in the most upbeat of individuals. Worry, sadness, anger and other such “downers” have their place in any normal life. But chronically viewing the glass as half-empty is detrimental both mentally and physically and inhibits one’s ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable stresses.

Negative feelings activate a region of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved in processing fear and anxiety and other emotions. Dr. Richard J. Davidson, a neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin — Madison, has shown that people in whom the amygdala recovers slowly from a threat are at greater risk for a variety of health problems than those in whom it recovers quickly.

Both he and Dr. Fredrickson and their colleagues have demonstrated that the brain is “plastic,” or capable of generating new cells and pathways, and it is possible to train the circuitry in the brain to promote more positive responses. That is, a person can learn to be more positive by practicing certain skills that foster positivity.

For example, Dr. Fredrickson’s team found that six weeks of training in a form of meditation focused on compassion and kindness resulted in an increase in positive emotions and social connectedness and improved function of one of the main nerves that helps to control heart rate. The result is a more variable heart rate that, she said in an interview, is associated with objective health benefits like better control of blood glucose, less inflammation and faster recovery from a heart attack.

Dr. Davidson’s team showed that as little as two weeks’ training in compassion and kindness meditation generated changes in brain circuitry linked to an increase in positive social behaviors like generosity.

“The results suggest that taking time to learn the skills to self-generate positive emotions can help us become healthier, more social, more resilient versions of ourselves,” Dr. Fredrickson reported in the National Institutes of Health monthly newsletter in 2015.

In other words, Dr. Davidson said, “well-being can be considered a life skill. If you practice, you can actually get better at it.” By learning and regularly practicing skills that promote positive emotions, you can become a happier and healthier person. Thus, there is hope for people like my friend’s parents should they choose to take steps to develop and reinforce positivity.

In her newest book, “Love 2.0,” Dr. Fredrickson reports that “shared positivity — having two people caught up in the same emotion — may have even a greater impact on health than something positive experienced by oneself.” Consider watching a funny play or movie or TV show with a friend of similar tastes, or sharing good news, a joke or amusing incidents with others. Dr. Fredrickson also teaches “loving-kindness meditation” focused on directing good-hearted wishes to others. This can result in people “feeling more in tune with other people at the end of the day,” she said.

Activities Dr. Fredrickson and others endorse to foster positive emotions include:
Do good things for other people. In addition to making others happier, this enhances your own positive feelings. It can be something as simple as helping someone carry heavy packages or providing directions for a stranger.

Appreciate the world around you. It could be a bird, a tree, a beautiful sunrise or sunset or even an article of clothing someone is wearing. I met a man recently who was reveling in the architectural details of the 19th-century houses in my neighbourhood.

Develop and bolster relationships. Building strong social connections with friends or family members enhances feelings of self-worth and, long-term studies have shown, is associated with better health and a longer life.

Establish goals that can be accomplished. Perhaps you want to improve your tennis or read more books. But be realistic; a goal that is impractical or too challenging can create unnecessary stress.

Learn something new. It can be a sport, a language, an instrument or a game that instills a sense of achievement, self-confidence and resilience. But here, too, be realistic about how long this may take and be sure you have the time needed.

Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all. Rather than imperfections and failures, focus on your positive attributes and achievements. The loveliest people I know have none of the external features of loveliness but shine with the internal beauty of caring, compassion and consideration of others.

Practice resilience. Rather than let loss, stress, failure or trauma overwhelm you, use them as learning experiences and steppingstones to a better future. Remember the expression: When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Practice mindfulness. Ruminating on past problems or future difficulties drains mental resources and steals attention from current pleasures. Let go of things you can’t control and focus on the here-and-now. Consider taking a course in insight meditation.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/03/well/live/turning-negative-thinkers-into-positive-ones.html

Extension course teaches parents to cooperate in divorce

Divorce can be one of the most traumatic events in a child's life. A course taught through Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service is working to help reduce that trauma to Oklahoma's children by teaching parents to better communicate and cooperate after divorce.

Lesa Rauh, Garfield County extension educator for family and consumer sciences, said the extension designed the "Co-Parenting for Resilience" curriculum more than 20 years ago. 

Enrollment in the program statewide has increased since 2014, when a state law went into effect requiring divorcing couples with minor children to attend a parenting education class.
Garfield County was one of the first counties in the state to offer the program, Rauh said, and it is offered once per month.

Rauh said each class begins with sharing statistics on how divorce affects children.
"It's one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a child, and it can take five years for a child to recover from that trauma," Rauh said.

She said children often exhibit emotional outbursts, changes in behavior patterns, regression in development and can carry depressive symptoms into adulthood, all as a result of emotional trauma experienced during their parents' divorce.

"Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school, to get involved with drugs and alcohol, and to get in trouble," Rauh said. "We want to break those statistics and we think co-parenting can do that."

After educating parents on the damage divorce can do to their kids, Rauh said the program moves into helping parents plan for ways to effectively communicate in the child's best interest after divorce.

"We help them design arrangements to agree in a non-confrontational manner, to put aside past differences and hurts for the good of the children," Rauh said.

She said a lot of the challenge for newly divorced parents is to simply communicate with each other without forcing the children to carry information back and forth between parents.
"Often in a divorce situation what gets put in the middle is the children and their possessions," Rauh said. "We encourage them to use technology to communicate, rather than passing messages through the children."

Setting aside the emotions that attend divorce can be difficult. Rauh said many couples find it easier to maintain objectivity when they can step back and look at co-parenting in a new light: as a business.

"We like to tell parents it costs about $250,000 to get a child from birth to age 18," Rauh said, adding that figure is about how much it costs to purchase a fast food franchise.

"What would it look like if you went into business with a partner and bought a franchise?" Rauh said. "How would you work with your partner? Would you argue and get into conflict with them, or would you use professional communications and manners to work with your partner for the good of your business?"

She said many parents are better able to plan for co-parenting in divorce if they can set aside the hurt feelings from a lost marriage, and think instead of their ex-spouse as a "business partner in the business of raising a child."

Like any good business, effective co-parenting requires a solid plan.

"If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there," Rauh said. "We want co-parents to create a roadmap and a vision for where they want their kids in the future."

Many divorced couples end up with inflexible guidelines that don't meet their needs, simply because they didn't plan ahead for how they would manage child visitation, exchanges of property and how to share holidays.

"We want them to work out the details and go to the judge and say, 'This is what's going to work for our family,'" Rauh said, "because if they don’t have a plan the judge is going to make one for them."

Rauh said most parents aren't receptive to the training when they first arrive, especially since it's a court-mandated class. But, she said, surveys taken at the beginning and end of the class, and again six months afterward, show parents' perceptions of the co-parenting curriculum shift significantly.

"What we find is the majority of the parents who come in are really emotional, they’re hurt and they just want to get this over with," Rauh said. "But, they leave feeling like 'I’m going to be a better parent,' and they have hope for the future of their family."

"Everyone seems to walk away with some nugget of truth, some inspiration they can use with their parenting skills," Rauh said.

According to survey results provided by Rauh, 96 percent of participants in the class report they "learned new ways to be an effective parent during and after divorce," and 21 percent answered that they "increased their confidence and ability to parent."

Rauh said the co-parenting class is open to all parents; you don't need to be going through divorce or a paternity or custody proceeding in order to attend the class.

Anyone who wants to sign up for the class can do so at the extension office, 316 E. Oxford. Attendees must register at least three days prior to the desired class.

More information on the class is available at coparenting.okstate.edu.

"We want to teach parents to work together now, and to put aside past hurts and tensions," Rauh said. "The best reason for the class is the children. If we can make a difference in one child's life with co-parenting, it's worthwhile."


Source: http://www.enidnews.com/oklahoma/news/extension-course-teaches-parents-to-cooperate-in-divorce/article_f4abb897-2216-5099-a717-fc9fe53c5335.html

Moving from ignorance to enlightenment

I've been trying to work out how any process of personal growth and improvement, or recovery from times of adversity can be mapped out into phases. When we're on a personal journey it's often discouraging to feel overwhelmed and not know where you are and how far you have yet to go. That's how I've felt lately.
In this video I've outlined the phases that I believe I've been passing through from Ignorance, through to Enlightenment and everywhere in-between. My thinking on this has also been prompted by reading the amazing book '12 Rules for Life' by Jordan B. Peterson. If you feel inclined I can't recommend it highly enough. You can find a copy at https://amzn.to/2u6QHUU If you'd like to receive the occasional message from me containing thoughts, information or inspiration related to living a better life after divorce, you can join my mailing list at the following link: http://bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive Thanks and have a great day!

10 Rules for a Successful Second Marriage

While many couples see remarriage as a second chance at happiness, the statistics tell a different story. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is over 60% compared to around 50% for first marriages.

Why are second marriages more likely to fail?

One explanation is the formation of blended families, which can cause loyalty issues with stepchildren and rivalries between co-parents, but there are many other difficulties and stresses that come with remarrying. A foundation of trust and intimacy is vital to beating the odds.

Everyone Has Baggage

When people get remarried, they often bring unhealthy relationship patterns and trust issues from their first marriage that can sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes this baggage can cause couples to rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.
For instance, if you were betrayed by your former spouse, you may be overly suspicious and lack confidence in your new partner.

Here’s how Kayla put it: “We’ve only been married for a few years,” she paused, “But I’m already questioning Jake when he’s late from work – full of mistrust and accusations.” It became clear that Kayla was having difficulty trusting Jake due to her ex-husband’s affair.

Be Vulnerable

It makes sense that a fear of vulnerability can be a real dilemma in a second marriage, yet not expressing our innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes can actually put a relationship more at risk because we lose out on the trust and intimacy that vulnerability offers.

Being vulnerable with your partner can make you feel exposed, but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship. In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Given this definition, the act of loving someone and allowing them to love you may be the ultimate risk. Dr. John Gottman writes in What Makes Love Last? that “life tends to go better for those who have the courage to trust others.”

Create Realistic Expectations

Accept that there are inevitable ups and downs in remarried life. New love is a wonderful feeling, but it doesn’t make up for the pain of divorce, nor does it automatically restore the family to its former status. According to stepfamily expert Maggie Scarf, “On the contrary, remarriage will present [couples] with a number of unanticipated design issues such as loyalty binds, the breakdown of parenting tasks, and the uniting of disparate family cultures.”


A key issue for remarried couples to address is interpersonal communication. This is especially true when it comes to finances, how to discipline children and stepchildren, personality conflicts in the newly created family, and rivalries between family members.


Below are ten powerful rules I’ve learned from working with remarried couples and in my own second marriage.

1. Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance

Author Kyle Benson says, “When you can, express what you cherish about your partner. The idea is to catch your partner doing something right and say ‘thanks for doing that. I noticed you unloaded the dishwasher and I really appreciate it.’”

2. Practice being vulnerable in small steps

Build confidence in being more open with your partner. Discussing minor issues like schedules and meals is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters like disciplining kids or managing finances.

3. Create time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner

Ask for what you need in an assertive, non-aggressive way and be willing to see each other’s side of the story. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman encourages us to respond to our partner’s “bids” for attention, affection, and support. This can be something minor like “please make the salad” or as significant as accompanying our partner on a trip to visit an ill parent.

4. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings

Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings, especially if it’s an important issue, rather than stonewalling and shutting down. In Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner posits that a good fight can clear the air. She writes that “it’s nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it.”

5. Prepare for conflict

Understand that conflict doesn’t mean the end of your marriage. Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples discovered that conflict is inevitable in all relationships and 69% of problems in a marriage go unresolved. Despite this, conflict can be managed successfully and the marriage can thrive! Stephanie Manes, LCSW advises us to take a short break if we feel overwhelmed or flooded as a way to restore positive communication with our partner.

6. Communicate effectively

Accept responsibility for your role in a disagreement. Listen to your partner’s requests and ask for clarification on issues that are unclear. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful, such as “I felt hurt when you purchased the car without discussing it with me.”

7. Embrace your role as a stepparent

The role of the stepparent is one of an adult friend, mentor, and supporter rather than a disciplinarian. Learn new strategies and share your ideas with your partner. There’s no such thing as instant love. When stepparents feel unappreciated or disrespected by their stepchildren, they will have difficulty bonding with them – causing stress for the stepfamily.

8. Attune to your partner

Eye contact and body posture demonstrate your intention to listen and compromise. Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional attunement while relaxing together can help you stay connected despite your differences. This means “turning toward” one another and showing empathy rather than “turning away.” His 40 years of research showed that happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of interactions during conflict – meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.

9. Establish an open-ended dialogue

Don’t make threats or issue ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later. Money is one of the most common things remarried couples argue about and full disclosure about finances is key to the success of the remarriage so resentment doesn’t build up.

10. Practice forgiveness

Accept that we all have flaws. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you, but it will allow you to move on and remember you are on the same team.


The best way to beat the odds and make your second marriage succeed is to create a culture of appreciation and respect in your home. It’s also crucial to risk being vulnerable with your partner so that you can build trust and intimacy. Determination, respect, acceptance, positive communication, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way in making sure your second marriage lasts a lifetime.

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/

10 Reasons Marriage Is Better The Second Time Around

Divorce can be so emotionally taxing, it's enough to make you want to swear off marriage for the rest of your life.

But don't go pledging yourself to a life of eternal singlehood just yet. We asked 10 remarried folks for their best pitch for remarriage. The points they brought up will give even the most marriage-averse divorcés second thoughts.


1. You're not looking for someone to complete you.

"Gosh, what isn't better about marriage the second time?! I'm older, wiser, more confident and no longer need someone to 'complete me.' The first time I thought, 'If we were meant to be together, it wouldn't be so hard.' Now I know that it takes work, sacrifice, perseverance and a major sense of humor. My husband is my friend, a great dad and stepdad and 'the the best husband I ever had' as I jokingly like to remind him.

Be yourself while looking for love again. So many women change themselves into the woman they think a guy wants them to be. Be you and you'll find the right person." -Lisa Miller, divorced after five years, remarried for 15 years.

2. You know damn well that you can't change your spouse.

"My second marriage is infinitely better because I am not looking to change my spouse (and there are no illusions that he could change me). It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where I know who I am, he knows who he is, we accept and love each other for who we are –- faults and all.

My advice is simply to be open. Opening yourself up to dating, relationships, love and marriage again can be scary, but don’t let someone amazing pass you by out of fear." -Kim Graham-Pfeffer, divorced after six years, remarried for two years.

3. Authenticity and honesty come a little more naturally.

"When my first marriage became irreversibly damaged, it broke something inside of each of us. It inspired months, (years, really) of self-reflection and soul searching. It made me hold up a mirror to my actions and the way I process and react to situations. It made me better. If I hadn't had the disastrous first marriage, there's no way I'd be as patient, sympathetic, motivated or as level-headed as I am now in my second marriage. It's my most deep and honest relationship. That transparency has encouraged my current husband be honest about his needs as well.

If you're hesitant to remarry, I get it. You feel foolish and embarrassed because you already took a huge leap of faith and it fell through. But take a lot of time to recuperate. Heal. Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration." -Amanda Sweeting,divorced after two years, remarried for less than a year.

4. Marriage #1 has changed you for the better.


"My wife and I are both the people we want to be this time around. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside.

If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's. Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance." -Rob Walker, divorced after 14 years, remarried for five years.

5. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all.

"My husband and I have both been married before. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things. But we also know what works and what makes it better. We have grown. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be.

Don’t lace your new promises with old regrets. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. But there’s so much to gain, too." -Nicole Jankowski, divorced after 12 years, remarried for two years.

6. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom.

"In the aftermath of my divorce, I had the opportunity to look very carefully at the man I chose the first time and how I had changed since I had met him ten years prior. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again. I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson.

Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: 'I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful. I will not be bitter. And I will love again.' I wrote a careful description of the man I wanted in my life and a few months later, I met Will. He's everything I wanted and once I figured out what it was, exactly, that I wanted, he came along." -Kristin Shaw, divorced after four years, remarried for 8 years.

7. You realize that marriage is a choice you have to make every single day.

"A second marriage is an eyes-wide-open experience; you know what kinds of work are involved and say 'yes' anyway. Plus, you endured a worst-case scenario and not just survived, but thrived! A second marriage means you’ve let go of the ’perfect spouse’ ideal, embraced your imperfections and found the unique ‘must haves’ you need in a life partner.

Remember that marriage is a choice, and if you decide to give it another go, be all in. When I put my wedding rings on each morning I consciously choose my spouse. I commit to our relationship. I acknowledge that being married means I forgive past and future transgressions, and I opt to trust. My thrice-divorced mother offers this sage advice too: 'You don’t have to marry everyone you love.'" -Penney Berryman, divorced after six years, remarried for five months after a five-year courtship.

8. You know what you want.

"You know what you're looking for and what you can live without because of your first marriage. When I I met my second wife I was so much more confident about myself and my needs.

Divorce teaches you that you can be content by yourself and that it's not worth going forward with something if you're hesitant. I never thought I would marry again or have any more kids, but I met my current wife and fell madly in love with her. There is nothing I am hesitant about anymore, except being away from her for too long!"-Matt Robertson, divorced after 10 years, remarried for just over a year.

9. You've taken ownership of what you did wrong the first time around.

"Nobody goes into their first marriages thinking they’re going to get divorced. But it happens. So if you are brave enough to try again, marriage is only better the second time around if you learn from your earlier mistakes. Both partners are older and, hopefully, wiser. And both know what they need from each other and what to do to make the relationship work.

After I got divorced, I still believed in love and in the institution of marriage. I just wasn’t in any hurry to experience it again. I dated a bit before I started dating my husband. We were together for three years before we got married. And even with taking that time, it was a little bumpy for the first couple of years. Not between us but with the process of blending our families. But really, it’s a goodthing to be a little hesitant and to not rush in to getting remarried, especially if there are kids involved." -Jennifer Cullen, divorced after seven years, remarried for eight years.

10. You're incredibly picky -- and that's a good thing.

"I entered into my 30s divorced, with a young son and determined to do better. I dated some men but no one felt right and I wouldn't just let anyone into my son's life. Eventually, two years after my divorce, I met the man I would marry. I often say that had he not come along, I'd still be single today. I look at the men I know, married and unmarried, and not one appeals to me as a spouse. I was lucky to find my very best match. My biggest complaints is that he doesn't wipe counters, he's a packrat and he's often late. But guess what? He's also wonderful father to my son and our child together. He's considerate, kind and puts my happiness above his own.

Learn how to be live without a partner and figure what you need from your next-time partner in that time. Marriage is better the second time around. I'd like to take credit for having impeccable standards and being picky, but I was lucky my current husband walked into my life. I've been happy most of the days since he showed up." -Chris Doell, divorced after nine years, remarried for 10 years.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/second-marriages-are-better-_n_6865506

Divorcing With Dignity Summit - June 2017 - Have you Registered?

Get registered for FREE on the Divorcing With Dignity Summit, starting June 10th 2017 and hear me and 20 other speakers being interviewed on how to build your ideal life after divorce.


Register at http://bit.ly/DWDthazlewood to claim your free place!


I'll see you in there!

The Law of Attraction: 30 Ways You Can Attract What You Dream Of

The law of attraction is a very insightful law by which to live. In other words, your ability to become intuitive will skyrocket if you attract what you want in life, especially what you dream of. Do you dream of traveling the world? Do you dream of writing a book? Do you dream of opening up your very own coffee shop?   

Everyone has unique dreams that differ from one another, but whatever that dream may be, it's completely possible. Spread your wings. Search for your purpose and freedom in this life. Most importantly, be as real as they come. 

Demonstrate to others that life isn't all that tough if we come to understand how lucky we are to be alive in this beautiful world, where miracles take place every day. All it takes is grasping on to our fullest potential to do what we love, holding it closely and never letting it go. 

Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can't do something themselves, they're gonna tell you that you can't do it. You want something, go get it. Period.

– Will Smith, “Pursuit of Happiness” 

Here are 30 tips to help you attract what you truly dream of in life: 

1. Be positive. Walk around with the most positive attitude possible, so positive people don't know what to think. When you speak, do it with good intentions. Attract positive thoughts no matter what you're going through. The more positivity you have in your life, the less negativity exists. 

2. Be grateful; appreciate everything. There's nothing in this world we shouldn't be grateful for. Be grateful for your family. Be grateful for your friends. Be grateful for a home. Be grateful for food to eat. Be grateful for adventure. Some people aren't fortunate enough to have any of these things. Some of us start with absolutely nothing. Don't take anything for granted. 

3. Believe in your own dreams. Attract what you dream of because once your dreams come true, life turns into an endless miracle. Anything and everything you need or want is out there. Just believe you, without question, have what it takes. 

4. Follow your intuition. You are the only one who has control over what goes on in your mind. If something feels so right, it's probably something you should do. If you have urges, listen to them carefully. In a sense, be willing to let your intuition guide you. 

5. Follow your heart with courage. The law of attraction has everything to do with following your heart. Even if following your heart leads to heartache, meet heartache with courage. Courage gives you strength. Don't let the influence of others bring you down. Surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed and don't forget to support them during their journeys, as well. 

6. Listen to your gut instinct. We've always been told our gut instinct is usually right. Whether it's right or wrong, our gut can usually sense something is a little wobbly. Pay attention to this feeling and be mindful of it. There are very greedy people in this world, which is why it's important to always be on our toes. 

7. Give to others and help others. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. We've all heard this statement, haven't we? Attract to yourself the way you want to be treated by equally treating others with kindness. It creates a world filled with virtuous karma. 

8. Travel to be inspired on a whole new level. Traveling is hands-down one of my top and most important priorities in life. Every time I travel, I am immensely exposed to a whole different part of the world I previously knew nothing about. When we see new places, we gain new perspectives and new perspectives are always a wonderful addition to the way we live our lives. 

9. Make time to do what YOU enjoy. The law of attraction suggests we attract what we want. Do you want more time to do what you enjoy most? If so, make that time because there's plenty of it. Don't make excuses. Time is just an idea with numbers and a clock ticking. 

10. No buts. No what ifs. No can'ts. No won'ts. Nothing is “too hard” to accomplish. 

11. Be real with everyone. Let's be real: Nobody likes fake personalities. If you can't be real, it will be extremely difficult to attract real. To be real is to be honest; to be real is to be kind, and to be real is to admit to your failures. 

12. Practice what you preach; don't be a hypocrite. Show others that if you can do something, anyone can. If you want to practice putting good into the world, then you must preach about putting good into the world. 

13. Realize your imagination is very powerful. Imagine your dreams coming true. The law of attraction is all about imagining what you want and turning it into a reality. If you're always thinking about your dreams or imagining them, you will work that much harder for them. 

14. Be passionate about what interests you. Be enthusiastic to learn about what you've always been interested in. If you're truly passionate about something, you will take the time to learn about it. 

15. Conquer your failures. If you fail, rinse, wash, repeat. Always attract success and happiness. 

16. Realize worry, stress and fear don't matter. None of us like to worry, to be stressed out or to be terribly afraid of something. If we focus on eliminating worry, stress and fear, our lives will begin to grow happier. Embrace the unknown with wide-open arms and a heart waiting to be filled with adventure. 

17. Recognize everything happens for a reason. Attract your ability to succeed, no matter what happens. Life is very mysterious, in a beautiful way. 

18. Be honest; lies are worthless. If you attract the truth by always telling the truth, you will never have anything to hide. If you're ashamed of something, admit to it. Never throw anyone under the bus, and more importantly, don't ever blame someone else for your wrong doings. Right your wrongs and own your mistakes. 

19. Live as if every day is a miracle. Live like your dreams are coming true every single day. Live as if there won't be a tomorrow. Miracles will begin to unfold all around you. 

There are two ways you can live: as if nothing is a miracle or as if everything is a miracle. 
– Albert Einstein 

20. Be open-minded. In order to attract what you want, you have to possess an open mind. Having an open mind gives you the ability to obtain multiple perspectives. 

21. Don't let school get in the way of your education. One of my favorite professors used to say this all the time. In other words, school isn't the only place you receive education; you also learn from experiences. 

22. Learn from EVERYONE. Not only do we learn from our experiences, it's also important to realize we can learn something from everyone. We all have something to learn or teach one another. This is pure evidence for why we are ALL capable of anything. 

23. See the best in people. If we see the best in others, they will most likely see the best in us, hence the law of attraction. Start out by giving someone the benefit of the doubt. If he or she ends up disappointing you, cross that bridge when you get to it. 

24. Believe in abundance and freedom. Along with freedom comes abundance. By achieving freedom, I don't mean having all the money in the world to do whatever you please. Set yourself free and help others to be set free by simply appreciating life and the abundance it brings. 

25. Focus on your needs vs. wants. Attract what you need and your wants will begin to prosper. If we don't dial in on our needs first, we won't be able to understand the importance of them. Our needs are needs. The wants will come along when they're meant to. 

26. Don't get caught up in the idea that money buys happiness. Money buys material things. Money can't buy passion or love. Money can't buy ambition or success. Money can't buy dreams or purpose or meaning to life. If all I had was a penny left in my pocket and someone needed it, I would give it up in a heartbeat. 

27. Remember, there's always room to improve. Nobody is perfect in this world. You may not be born as a prodigy or born with the talent you wish you could have, but if you practice, you learn. Why not gain the knowledge about everything that interests you and then improve on what matters most? 

28. Don't give up. Ever. Never. Period. 

29. Be patient. Patience is a virtue. I always dream about achieving my goals in the fast lane, but sometimes, it doesn't work out that way. We just have to go with the flow. 

30. Inspire others; motivate them. Aspire to inspire. With your ambition and enthusiasm, motivate others. Show others that life is all about the adventure and the journey. Through our imagination is how our dreams spiral out of control and into control. Once they're in control, seize each and every day as if it were your last. Captivate what you dream of and don't ever settle for less.

Source: http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/law-attraction-30-ways-can-attract-dream/929761/

7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round

It’s that time of year where many people begin thinking about everything they have to be thankful for. Although it’s nice to count your blessings on Thanksgiving, being thankful throughout the year could have tremendous benefits on your quality of life.

In fact, gratitude may be one of the most overlooked tools that we all have access to every day. Cultivating gratitude doesn’t cost any money and it certainly doesn’t take much time, but the benefits are enormous. Research reveals gratitude can have these seven benefits:

1. Gratitude opens the door to more relationships. Not only does saying “thank you” constitute good manners, but showing appreciation can help you win new friends, according to a 2104 study published in Emotion. The study found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to seek an ongoing relationship. So whether you thank a stranger for holding the door or you send a quick thank-you note to that co-worker who helped you with a project, acknowledging other people’s contributions can lead to new opportunities.

2. Gratitude improves physical health. Grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and they report feeling healthier than other people, according to a 2012 study published in Personality and Individual Differences. Not surprisingly, grateful people are also more likely to take care of their health.  They exercise more often and are more likely to attend regular check-ups with their doctors, which is likely to contribute to further longevity.

3. Gratitude improves psychological health. Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, ranging from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D., a leading gratitude researcher, has conducted multiple studies on the link between gratitude and well-being. His research confirms that gratitude effectively increases happiness and reduces depression.

4. Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kind, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Study participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to retaliate against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to seek revenge.

5. Grateful people sleep better. Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before bed, and you may sleep better and longer.

6. Gratitude improves self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that gratitude increased athlete’s self-esteem, which is an essential component to optimal performance. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs – which is a major factor in reduced self-esteem- grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.

7. Gratitude increases mental strength. For years, research has shown gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma.  A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War Veterans with higher levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11.  Recognizing all you have to be thankful for – even during the worst times of your life – fosters resilience.

We all have the ability and opportunity to cultivate gratitude. Simply take a few moments to focus on all that you have – rather than complain about all the things you think you deserve.  Developing an “attitude of gratitude” is one of the simplest ways to improve your satisfaction with life.

Source: http://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#2b1d22506800