Are We Too Stable? Conflict Role Modeling After Divorce

One of the issues with divorce parenting is the question of relationship role modelling. How will children learn what a good relationship looks like if they never see one? How will they learn how to treat someone in a marriage? More specifially—how will they learn to deal with conflict? This is a sensitive issue for me, because I blame conflict avoidance in large part for the demise of my marriage to my children’s father. I have learned that in order to keep a relationship healthy, you can’t let things simmer below the surface for years.

I don’t know how valid of a concern this is, since children are actually in relationships already—just not romantic ones. In fact, I think the sibling relationship is a pretty good foundation for learning how to treat people you live with, but even if kids don’t have siblings, they have parents, teachers, and friends. But since most if not all divorced parents have guilt and anxiety about parenting—and they tell me non-divorced parents also have guilt and anxiety about parenting as well—I thought it was a nice subject to obsess about for an afternoon.

My kids and I have been cohabitating with my SigO for several years now. He and I present (I think anyway) a stable relationship role model for the children. But is it too stable? The nature of shared parenting allows us to do all our fighting when the kids aren’t home, or at least when they are sound asleep. The boys have never seen us fight. Oh sure, they have witnessed a clipped sentence followed by, “We’ll talk about that later,” on one or two occasions, but by-and-large we present as a happy couple that never argues. Which is a lie.

The current parenting trend is one that discourages arguing in general. We expect our precious little darlings to talk it out and never raise their voices to each other, which is all well and good in a utopia, but not actually how I operate in my own life.

Sometimes I get mad at my SigO. Sometimes I use a harsh tone of voice. Sometimes I am completely irrational and refuse to back down and it is only after an hour of arguing with him that I can finally see my own part in the problem. OK, full disclosure, sometimes it is a few days before I am ready to compromise. And I don’t think this is that unusual.

For example, yesterday my SigO cleaned the whole house and put the dish soap under the sink. I put the dish soap back on the counter when I washed dishes and left it there, because dish soap belongs on the counter. He came in the kitchen and put it back under the sink. We had words about the ideal location for dish soap, and they weren’t all philosophical.

I think a lot of stupid arguments aren’t actually stupid, they are just about the wrong things. We fight over things like dish soap when we really are mad about who cleans the most, or who makes the bigger mess. In this instance, my SigO is definitely a far more thorough house cleaner than I am, and I provide the things that make the most mess—children and pets. But I am the one who cleans most often, and therefore feel like I get to decide where the dish soap resides, since I use it most of the time. But of course this whole spat (and its resolution) happened out of sight of the children. By the time they came home from Daddy’s everything was smooth and easy again.

I don’t want to fight with my SigO in front of the children. I don’t want to argue with anyone in front of the children. So how are my kids going to learn that it is OK to fight, sometimes necessary to fight (particularly if they live with someone who hides the dish soap) and that there are acceptable ways to argue and ways that cross the line? I spent several hours of a road trip contemplating my failure as a parent for not role-modeling conflict resolution, before I came to an important realisation:

In less than two years my eldest will become a teenager. This will naturally present all the angst and strife we will need! I am sure we can all look forward to several years of arguments around the dinner table and in the hallway at midnight. I’ll relax, and keep our grownup strife out of their view for just a little while longer.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/are-we-too-stable-conflict-role-modeling-after-divorce_us_5930254ee4b017b267ee0099

5 Suggestions for Navigating a Contentious Divorce

Any divorce is difficult, even when the split is amicable. After all, divorce is a major transition, and change is tough. When your divorce is contentious, not surprisingly, things are harder. A lot harder.

“People are often caught off guard by the enormity of the divorce experience,” said Krysta Dancy, MA, MFT, a therapist who specializes in working with couples and families in Roseville, Calif.

If your marriage was contentious, you probably see your divorce as a relief, so you might feel blindsided when your stress skyrockets. You might feel utterly exhausted, anxious, depressed and unfocused, Dancy said.

You might start second guessing yourself. You might question your ability to make good decisions for you and your family, said Amy Broz, a marriage and family therapist intern who works with high-conflict couples. This may stem from being in an abusive marriage. “Often, the reason my clients are going through a contentious divorce to begin with is because they have been [physically, verbally or emotionally] abused in some form or another.”

You might not even feel like yourself, Dancy said. You might feel out of control, Broz said. You might be “worried and afraid, uncertain of what the future holds.”

How do you stay sane when it feels like you’re swept up in a tornado? Below, Dancy and Broz shared five suggestions.

Create a “divorce-free zone.”

You might feel like you need to be available around the clock to deal with your divorce. Or you might feel like you need to be perpetually prepared for the latest battle. “Often, people are afraid to leave arguments unanswered because they fear their ex will score some big moral victory,” Dancy said.

Plus, thanks to technology, you’re probably bombarded with texts and emails throughout the day (and night). Many of Dancy’s clients get emails or texts first thing in the morning, during their work day and when they’re out with friends.

Constant communication means you’re constantly on high alert. Which “allows the divorce to consume your life,” Dancy said. No wonder you’re stressed out and anxious.

This is where good boundaries come in. Because as Dancy said, “You are getting divorced to have less of this person’s influence in your life, remember? [T]he more involved you are in the conflict, the more you are still in a relationship with your ex.”

She shared these examples: A “divorce-free zone” might mean setting specific hours for dealing with your divorce—a time when you’re mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the necessary tasks. It also might mean turning off your phone and muting notifications.

Identify your goals—and use them to guide your actions.

What are your goals for your divorce? What are your desired outcomes? Dancy suggested creating a list of goals and priorities—and disregarding any irrelevant drama. For instance, your priorities or desired outcomes might be: “a workable pickup/drop-off schedule for a child, a desire to see the divorce end quickly and inexpensively, or [her favorite] an emphasis on restoring peace and boundaries in your life.”

The next time a conflict arises, ask yourself: Does it “increase or decrease my chances of achieving my ultimate goal?” This way, you: a) don’t get dragged into a trivial fight (and surround yourself with more chaos); and b) save your energy for what’s really important.

Asking the above question helps you “see outside of the anger or contention of the immediate, and make sure you are still heading in the direction you most want.”

Find moments of calm.

Find practices that help you calm down and unwind anytime, anywhere. For instance, Broz’s clients like the progressive muscle relaxation exercises from the Calm app for reducing anxiety and depression. You might search for meditation videos on YouTube, which you can watch before bed. You might listen to these self-compassionate guided meditations. Or you might start attending a weekly yoga class.

Figure out which type of communication you prefer.

How you communicate is another vital boundary you can set. For instance, you might “move communication to email so that you can be mentally prepared before approaching it, and…have the chance to proofread before sending,” Dancy said.

You also might stop texting with your ex. “It is often a source of conflict and contentious communication, running through late nights and ruining beautiful moments.”

Treat your ex like a challenging colleague.

With a challenging colleague, “you have to work together, but you don’t have to get personal,” Dancy said. Which means you respond to requests and concerns in a clear, professional manner, and disregard the rest, she said.

What does this look like? For instance, along with their text about picking up the kids, your ex includes a dig or two. Instead of getting sucked into yet another argument, you only respond to the part about pick-up arrangements, Dancy said.

And remember that it’s OK to seek support, which all of us need from time to time, whatever we’re going through. Especially a difficult divorce. “It can be highly beneficial for individuals to seek out a qualified therapist to help them navigate the murky, uncharted territory of a contentious divorce,” Broz said. Because your well-being is important. And whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to prioritize your health.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/05/5-suggestions-for-navigating-a-contentious-divorce/

Reducing Divorce Anxiety through Journaling

Find Relief from Divorce Anxiety with Journaling

Nothing rouses the anxiety monster like divorce. You’ll do anything to run away from it. Drugs? Exercise? Meditation? Here’s my secret weapon to combat divorce anxiety: journaling.

Journaling? No kidding. It’s a surefire way to kill the demons of doubt. It’s what kept me sane last week during a cross country move where I had left old friends, old loves, old familiar places, picked up sticks in California and started all over again in the Midwest. I was terrified. Was I too old to make this move? Can I make new friends? What if my business doesn’t translate to the new environment? Journaling for the last three years helped remember see why I was leaving. It showed me that I was a lot stronger than I even realized. It reassured me that the hardest part was starting – and that the rest would fall into place. It swept away much of my anxiety. I relaxed a little more.

Here’s why journaling is so critical to dashing the anxiety demons during divorce recovery.
Your brain is struggling to keep up with your new emerging identity. As it searches for answers, you experience emotional ups and downs that feel foreign and frightening. One thing is for sure: The rollercoaster of emotions in divorce happens so fast that you’re left with little time to remember if you’ve felt this way in the past. Each day seems to be a new experience. New thoughts, new memories, new coping skills, new situations. You find yourself crying out, “I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve never felt like this before."
Anxiety is high. You try yoga, meditation, more exercise, and endless “processing” conversations with friends. None of them seem to help. Off to the doc you go. Valium, Ativan, Xanax, or Klonopin to the rescue! You’d rather not take these drugs, but they seem to be the only antidote that works for your spiking anxiety.

Prescription Drugs Don't Have to Be the Answer to Your Divorce Anxiety

Before you wash down those pills, consider a better alternative: daily journal entries. As I’ve worked with clients going through divorce over the years, I’ve seen that as little as 10 minutes every day (preferably first thing in the morning), keeps life balance and decreases anxiety - without the litany of anti-anxiety drugs.

Don’t be intimidated by the term “journaling.”It simply means dumping your thoughts out of your brain and unto the written page. (By the way, writing by hand seems to be slightly more effective than typing on a computer, but use whichever method works best for you.)
You don’t have to write much. With only one or two short paragraphs a day, you’ll be recording your fears as well as solutions for handling crises. You’ll be documenting patterns and coping mechanisms that worked for you (or didn’t work) over time. Then, days, months, weeks, or years later you can return to your notes and see that you’re stronger than you realized – and that you’ve faced similar situations and worked through them in the past. Your anxiety will start to drop. It’s soothing and comforting to be your own cheerleader and witness your own successful actions. You’ll find yourself saying, “I did this before. I can do it again!”

Why Does Journaling Help With Divorce Anxiety?

Here why journaling during the divorce process is vital to your recovery. With such a great return for such little effort, there’s no excuse for waiting. Start today.

1. Your brain believes everything you tell it. Writing reinforces it. Repetition makes it stronger. When you write out these positive actions you’ve taken: resolutions you’ve made, decisions for letting go, mental reconstruction of your spousal history – to understand how you got to this place, you get a double bang for your buck in your brain. The initial thinking and writing digs a big commitment pattern in your brain. Re-discovering and re-reading it in a former similar entry cements it. A note of caution: your brain doesn’t discern positive from negative thoughts or actions. Yes, dump the negative stuff on the paper as well, but give more shelf space to bigger, self-confidence building thoughts and processes.
2. Your brain craves routine and rewards you for the effort by relaxing. Central command above your shoulders (your brain) is scanning the horizon for recognizable repeated daily actions in your life. (Again, red flag: it doesn’t take preference over good or bad habits, which is why destructive habits are so tough to crack.) During divorce, routine can easily turn to chaos. You can reverse that by journaling first thing in the morning or at the same time every day. After several days, your brain will be thrilled to have one event it can count on, and you’ll be looking forward to it. You’ll relax during journal time. It’s one small, predictable event that you can count on. Less anxiety and more sanity.
3. You’ll see patterns and ideas that you want to revisit and repeat, as well as those that you can finally let go. Journaling lets you see the paths you want to travel again, and those with “Danger! Do not retrace these steps!” You can make the conscious choice to work with the actions that helped you, and avoid the trap of disastrous choices you made previously.
4. Journal writing is like having your own internal therapist. Like working with a good therapist, you leave the session with less anxiety, but you don’t have to pay for it.Your self-confidence begins to rise as you move forward with life choices based on what’s best for you, from your own experience. You understand the ebb and flow of patterns from reading your own observations of your life.
5. One tip when you have nothing to say: We all have days when words escape us. Experts tell us to simply write the word writing over and over again. Thoughts may come, or not, It doesn’t matter. There'll be other prolific days to make up for it. The point is that you’re reassuring your brain that this new habit will continue, no matter what.

Let’s face it. Divorce is hard, no matter how amicable or destructive yours might be. During the divorce process, it’s normal to vacillate through emotions – one day you’re high on your newfound freedom, the next day you’re low on your loneliness, and the next day you’re re-examining your life with your ex - trying to make sense of your break-up. You feel disconnected. Journaling can help reduce the divorce anxiety without drugs – or at the very least, help you take less drugs.

Learning to be your own best friend during divorce and strengthening your self-determination is critical to faster healing. Invest a few minutes a day journaling, and soon you’ll be able to read your old entries and say, “Oh, right! I remember how I did that." You’ll catapult yourself to a new place of strength.

Stop by any drug store or office supply and grab a lined notebook. Start journaling tomorrow morning. Over the next week, watch your anxiety decrease along with the valium doses. Stand ready for clearer thinking and new found self-determination.

Journaling is your new weapon for conquering divorce-induced anxiety!

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/reducing-divorce-anxiety-through-journaling

Going Through a Divorce: A Child's Perspective

A few thoughts on children going through a divorce.

Children usually feel a lot of pain and emotional conflict during and after divorce. Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it. The article below gives excellent insight into divorce from a child's perspective.

The Effects of Divorce on Children:

Dr. Deb Huntley, professor of psychology at Argosy University/Twin Cities says, "No matter what age a child is, he or she will have more difficulty adjusting to divorce if there is continued conflict between parents.

Other factors that add to this difficulty include, loss of contact with a competent, non-custodial parent; financial stress; a change of address; loss of continuity in school and home routines; psychological problems in the custodial or, non-custodial parent; and blurred boundaries between the parent and child.”

Going Through Divorce: From Your Child's Perspective

• Don't put me in the middle. If you need to talk to each other, please do it yourself. Don't give me notes to carry to my other parent. Don't keep secrets about me from my other parent. Don't put me in the position of having to answer questions I don't have answers to just because you don't like my other parent.
• Don’t make me take sides. You may not have a husband/wife anymore, but I still have a mom/dad. When possible, tell me something positive about my parent. And, don't expect me to hide how I feel about my other parent. I love both my parents, if you are an adult, you won't find that idea threatening. If you do, get help because I don't want to be harmed by your immaturity and anger.
• Unless there is are problems with domestic abuse, allow me to have access to both parents. Take this into account when you are deciding where to live. I want to see my other parent as often as possible. If it weren't for the divorce, I'd be seeing them every day. Don't let your divorce damage my relationship with my other parent.
• The better you are able to coparent with each other, the better I will be able to cope with the divorce. I don't want to hear you fight or see you exchange dirty looks. I don't want to have the police at my house just because you two can't get along. I'm more important than your anger at each other so, grow up and put me first.
• Ask me how I am doing and what I need. Even though you are going through your own loss, I need help talking about the divorce and how I am feeling. I need it is hard on you to get a divorce, guess what, it is hard on me too and I'm not the one who wanted a divorce. Think about that, I'm hurting over something I didn't want in the first place. Make sure you help me work through my pain.
• Try to keep everything else in my life the same. It is stressful enough to lose a parent to divorce, but even tougher to move to a different school, a new neighborhood, and a new home. The more things I have to change, the more emotional pain I feel. Keep me in mind when you are making major decisions about your divorce.
• Remember that I am your child. Although you have gone through a divorce, my role is not to replace your spouse or be a friend. Continue to treat me as your child. I don't want to hear about your problems. I don't want to worry about how you are doing. I want you to take care of me because it isn't my job to take care of you.
• If you need to talk to somebody about what you are going through, find a friend or a therapist. It is too much for me to carry your burden as well. If you don't like my Mom's new boyfriend, I don't need to know. If you don't like the way Dad parents when I'm with him, talk to Dad about it, not me. I'm not your sounding board!
• No matter what my age is, this is still a loss for me. I may show my grief in many different ways, including anger, depression, anxiety, or acting-out behavior. Please get me help if I am having difficulty.
• I long for continuity, routine, and tradition. Although our family has changed, keep as many traditions and routines the same as possible. I want to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins on both sides of the family. I want time with both my parents and their families during the holidays. You are my parents, it's your job to make sure these things happen.

We've all heard how resilient children are and how quickly they bounce back after a divorce. I'm sure you've also heard that if a parent is happy the children will be happy also. Well, that isn't always the situation so, it pays to not project your own beliefs about the divorce onto your children. Give them a voice, view them as autonomous beings with their own take on the situation and work with them based on their feelings.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/going-through-a-divorce-a-childs-perspective-1103247

Psychological Effects of Divorce on Women

Understanding the psychological effects of divorce can help one move forward after the end of a marriage. Many of the feelings after a divorce are perfectly natural as one may experience confusion and uncertainty about the future. Similarly, learning how these feelings may affect one's ability to connect with other family members, such as children, is important, as well.

Feeling Guilty

The psychological effects of divorce on women are far-reaching, but one of the most basic emotions is guilt. This can be true if the woman initiated the divorce or not. Women in both situations may feel at fault for not working hard enough to make the marriage work, explains life coach Cindy Holbrook on her website for divorced women. If the woman initiated divorce, she may feel a sense of guilt for the demise of the marriage. This is especially true if there are children involved as women may feel as though they are responsible for breaking up a family and causing emotional trauma.

Experiencing Depression

The end of a marriage is devastating to both parties. Women, especially, may feel saddened by the sudden loss of their marriage. Their dreams for the future may be wrapped up in their marriage, and now that hope for the future appears to be gone. Increased responsibility combined with the realization that the life they envisioned no longer exists correlates with the fact that women are more likely to suffer from depression three years after a divorce, suggests Rocky Mountain Family Council.

Feeling Anxious

After a divorce, one may experience a great deal of anxiety. The future is uncertain and therefore, so is one's security. Women may experience more stress as they may have solely or mostly relied on their husbands for financial support. Trying to figure out how to support themselves, and often times a family, may prove to be difficult. Despite this, there are many things one can do to lessen anxiety including eating healthy, meditating and exercising.

Positive Effects

Some of the effects of divorce can affect women's lives positively. There are many factors that influence this, but many women report feeling a sense of relief especially if the relationship was particularly stressful towards the end. Mediator Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran explains that women may have a greater support system than men. Because of this, when they experience setbacks, they are likely to turn to them for comfort and guidance and move through the issues. Finally, women may be more likely to expand their personal and professional roles, suggests Corcoran. In the past, they may have limited themselves by focusing solely on their duties as wives and mothers. Now, they may seek out new careers, volunteer opportunities and social networking that will increase their esteem.

Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/103381-psychological-effects-divorce-women/

Divorce Anxiety: 11 Top Fears and How to Overcome Them

Divorce anxiety is painfully real. When you’re considering a divorce, the rollercoaster ride of emotions you experience can leave you feeling confused, exhausted and paralysed with fear. I remember realising that my marriage was coming to an end. I would start to ponder various situations, re-live various experiences to try and retrieve something positive. Only to become lost in an emotional quagmire of what ifs and maybes, regrets, disappointments and feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of the chain of events that would follow those few words: “I can’t stay married to you any longer”.

When divorce is the only option

While I was stuck in the mire of fear and anxiety, I found comfort in the fact that I wasn’t the first wife about to leave her husband and become a single mum. I wouldn’t be the last either. I tried to reframe my divorce anxiety and look at my impending divorce as an experience that would make me grow as an individual. An opportunity to live life on my own terms, regain the sense of freedom that I had lost and live with the set of values dear to me. I considered the divorce a learning experience as well as a lifeline. I was beginning to feel my mental and physical health drain away from me. So, when the day arrived for me to take the plunge and admit my feelings to my husband, I was left with little choice.

“Adrian Mole’s father was so angry that so many people got divorced nowadays. HE had been unhappily married for 30 years, why should everybody else get away?” Sue Townsend

Divorce anxiety and fear

Divorce anxiety and fear are two of the major emotions you are likely to experience when going through a divorce, even when it’s you that’s driving the divorce. The prospect of change can be anxiety-provoking and when considering a divorce, change is affected on every important aspect of your life: your children, your home, your finances, your in-laws, your own family, your mutual friends, possibly even down to who gets the pets. Only to be further underlined by the prospect of dating again, the fear of being alone, the fear of being socially side-lined, the fear of managing financially. The fear of wondering if you can actually do it.

“A heart can stop beating for a while, one can still live.” Suzanne Finnamore, Split: A Memoir of Divorce

Optimism or pessimism?

Divorce represents the end of a union. It’s important to remember that we always have a choice as to how we allow something to affect us. While you may feel hemmed in by your negative emotions, remember that divorce does not need to be a terrible experience. Viewed positively, divorce anxiety can be reframed into a freeing experience. Divorce can be empowering. Divorce can offer you both new beginnings. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road ahead as you are both navigating an emotional path which can leave you feeling vulnerable and raw as well as defensive and afraid. Yet there are also positives you can focus on to help you make your way forward.

Divorce anxiety is debilitating. Below are 11 of the main problems associated with divorce and strategies to help you overcome them.

1. Divorce anxiety about your children

If you have young children, you will both need to remain fair and objective about how you are going to help them cope with your split. Avoid arguing in front of them. If your partner won’t back down and insists on arguing in front of the children, be the one who turns around and walks away. Try and diffuse the situation as much as possible. If your partner becomes violent towards you, you need to involve the police. The safety of you and your children is of paramount importance. It is not their fault that your marriage is coming to an end and they will need to be shielded from the negativity of the divorce.

Avoid belittling your partner

Your children will need two sensible and stable parents who they can trust to look after them correctly. Don’t say negative things about the other parent in front of them. It might make you feel better, but it will hurt the children and what’s more, it’s not fair. Despite your misgivings about your partner, they love both of you. When you talk negatively about each other in front of them, by extension, young children will perceive you as speaking negatively about them too. So just don’t do it. It’s not necessary and you will only end up hurting them. When you do need to sound off about your partner, do it to a trusted friend who will maintain your confidentiality.

Put children’s needs above your own

Make sure to consider the children’s needs above your own. Young children will not be ready to suddenly spend long periods of their time apart from their main caregiver. Just because you are their father or mother doesn’t give you “the moral right” to have them when you want. They need to be willing too. Give them the time they need to adjust at their own speed. If it takes two or three years until they are happy to spend a weekend away from their main caregiver, allow them that time. Until then, make the time that you do spend with them extra special and fun. You’ll soon have them wanting to sleep over and spend more time with you.

When they feel safe and secure, it will come naturally. Most importantly, you don’t want to be the parent that the children remember negatively when they’re old enough to make their own decisions and have their own opinions. Ultimately, forcing your will upon them when they’re not ready for it will back-fire on you.

Strategies to cope with their loss

If you’re finding that you are missing them terribly, consider writing a diary about your dreams and plans for them. You could create a journal that you could present to them on their 18th birthday or other milestone. Get creative. Find old photos of you and them. Photograph trips that you make together and keep a record of cinema tickets, theatre tickets and any other reference you have of things you’ve done with your children. Write poems about them. Include letters and notes they have written to you. Press flowers that remind you of them.

It won’t replace their absence in your life, but it will help you come to terms with not “living” with them anymore and will give you a project to work upon. What’s more it’s about the best present you could ever gift to anyone. It will have your love all over it and will be a testament to your deep affection of them.

Get to know your emotions

Make sure you rely on trusted friends who can help you overcome your divorce anxiety surrounding your children. Share your concerns and fears. Talking will help you to work out exactly what aspect of not seeing your children as regularly as you did while you were married is hurting you the most.

Jealousy

When I ask my clients this question, sometimes they feel jealous that the main caregiver is spending more time with the children than them. Jealousy is an emotion that only serves to hurt you further. If jealousy is an aspect of your divorce that is causing you problems, consider getting professional help to overcome it.

“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.” Shannon L. Alder – 300 Questions To Ask Your Parents

Anger

Anger is another common emotion associated with divorce. Negative emotions such as anger will eat away at your energy. That you are no longer in control of aspects of your life hurts. Anger can be because your partner is forcing you down a road you don’t want to travel. You feel angry having to financially support someone who is hurting you so much. Remember that you are ever only in control of yourself. No matter how hard you try to control other people, all you will do is waste your energy. Remember also, that alimony / maintenance payments are put into effect because generally one half of the marriage has foregone a successful career to enable the other party to be the main breadwinner.

Oftentimes we don’t realise how angry we feel, we just have a sense of frustrated fizzing brewing beneath the surface. Again, talking to a trusted friend or experienced therapist will help you decipher your angry feelings and give you specific strategies to help you overcome them.


“When you stop resisting, you encourage delightfully unexpected surprises into your life.” Kate Hartley

Myth busting

Consider also, that staying together for the sake of the children is a myth. Children aren’t stupid. Even if you don’t argue in front of your children, they will pick up on the energy between you. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that your unloving and possibly disrespectful relationship towards each other is normal? It could lead them to repeat the behaviour they’ve grown up witnessing. If you don’t love each other, go your separate ways.
Children are far happier when they know you are happy too. Children are also extremely resilient. Let them talk and air their emotions when they need to. Create space for them to work their way through the divorce. When they feel their emotions are respected and valued, it will give them a sense of security.

Where possible maintain family routines to help your children feel more secure. If you know of friends going through a similar situation, try and meet up so that your and their children can get to know each other. Knowing they are not alone can go a long way to reducing their divorce anxiety and making them feel more normal.

2. Will you lose your home?

Divorce often means having to sell the marital home so that monies can be shared out proportionately. If you’re very lucky, you may be able to stay in the marital home with the children which will mean less upheaval for all of you, but this is rare. Divorce will mean some level of sacrifice. Ultimately, is staying in the marital home crucial to your mental health? Probably not. While we may love our marital home and have fond memories attached to it, if finances dictate, it will need to be sold. Don’t let divorce anxiety keep you stuck wanting something you simply can’t have. Start working out what you can afford to buy or rent and see it as a new adventure. You gain nothing by wallowing in self-pity and wishing that things could be different. Divorce is a time of new action and fresh beginnings.

3. Where will you live?

Work out where you need to look for a new home. If you are a parent, you will need to consider proximity to the children’s school. Also if the children are young and the non-resident parent is involved in their lives, you will need to consider how close to each other you are going to live so that the children can see you both regularly. If your support network lives at the other end of the country, you will need to work out how you can help facilitate contact with the non-resident parent, possibly by hiring a chaperone to accompany your children on long trips, or agreeing for the non-resident parent an extra night with the children to allow for long distance travel.

Moving abroad

While the non-resident parent cannot dictate where you live geographically, if you plan to move the children out of the country, you will most likely need the agreement of a judge to do so. The court will weigh up the reasons why you need to move out of the country against the importance for the children to have on-going contact with the non-resident parent. Bear in mind that contact with the non-resident parent carries a lot of weight.

If you really plan on emigrating, you may have to delay your plans until the children are old enough to have their own opinion about it and be willing to make the move. In the UK, children are considered to have a legal voice at the age of 10 and over. In the US it varies between States. In California, it is age 14 and above. Under the age of 14 it is up to the judge to decide.

4. How will I manage financially?

Divorce generally entails financial hardship. Financial concerns tend to rank at the top of all divorce anxiety issues. If you know divorce is imminent there are a few things you can do to soften the financial blow:

Bank accounts

If your bank accounts are shared, put an alert on any transaction over £500 / $500 just in case your partner tries to shift money around without your knowledge.

If possible, before you split up, close all joint bank accounts. You don’t want an angry partner running up bills that you may also be liable to repay. If you can’t come to an agreement about your bank accounts, consider asking your bank to freeze the accounts temporarily. Then once the divorce is finalised the court will decide who should be liable to pay off the debt. If your partner refuses to pay the debt, it won’t affect your own credit score and is no longer your problem.

Go through your bank statements, no matter how scary a job this might be. Once you know what your monthly outgoings are, you’ll be able to plan ahead knowing what income you need to bring in every month. You will need this information for when you complete Form E of your divorce papers. If you end up in court, the judge will need to know what your monthly requirements are.

Financial planning

If you don’t understand your partner’s financial dealings, consider hiring a forensic accountant who will clarify what investments are where and how much they are worth.
Start saving to help cover you for a few months post-divorce to help to keep you going.
Work out what you owe and what you own. You will need to know the value of all your assets and liabilities. Start gathering proof of income – yours and your partners.

If you don’t own your own credit card, get yourself one but use it wisely. If you’ve always shared a credit card with your partner, you will need to start to build up your own good credit score. Having a good credit score will make it easier for you to take out loans, sign up for monthly payment plans etc. Start making a few purchases a month and make sure you pay off the balance every month.

Learn to be thrifty. Give up the non-essential stuff and focus on saving whatever you can. You don’t need to commit yourself to a life of continued thrift and simplicity, but financial wastage isn’t going to help you. Learning how to be thrifty is extremely freeing too. We surround ourselves with so much junk and unnecessary clutter. Use your divorce as an exercise to pare down some of your belongings. Go minimal for a while and see how relaxing and refreshing it can be.

Confide in friends and family. You don’t need to tell everyone about your marital difficulties, but by having a few trusted allies on board, if your boat starts to sink, you can reach out for financial or emotional support. Trust me, you’ll need a friendly smile every now and again.

5. Losing your in-laws

Despite the old jokes about mother-in-laws, some of them totally rock. Divorce is a difficult time for your in-laws. They may feel very affectionately about you too and of course, if you have children, they are still grandparents to those children and have a right to be involved in your children’s lives.

If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, be respectful of their relationship with your partner. They will need space to be able to support their offspring. Now is not the time to be garnering their favour. With time, the dust will settle and if you’ve enjoyed a stable and positive relationship with them in the past, it’s likely that will continue once the divorce proceedings have come to an end.

6. Your parents and your ex

Remember that your parents may also have formed a bond of love and trust with your soon-to-be ex. Be clear and fair with your parents when conversing with them about your divorce. It’s important that they are there to support you emotionally, and possibly financially, while you sort yourself out. Your parents will suffer their own divorce anxiety about you. Allow them the space to come to terms with your break up in their own time. If they want to remain in touch with your ex-partner, allow it. You can’t prevent it in any case. It doesn’t mean they love you any less.

7. Trusted friends

Sometimes, we just need a bolt-hole where we know we’re welcome at any time of the night and day. It’s a strange phenomenon, but when you get divorced you may find that some of your friends distancing themselves from you. I’m not sure if it’s because you no longer fit comfortably at the dinner-party table as you’re just a singleton, or whether they have some innate fear that you’re going to run off with their spouse.

Whatever the reasons, don’t be surprised if you find this happening to you. Try not to take it personally. It says a lot more about them than it does about you. Instead, focus on the friends who are offering you support and allow them to help you. Divorce can be a lonely old time and there will be moments when having a trusting, smiling face, a warmly delivered hug and a shared bowl of soup can help you to see the silver lining of the emotional chaos you find yourself caught up in.

8. Who gets the pets

As an animal lover, I couldn’t possibly consider being without my beloved pets. Sometimes we may bring our own pet into the marriage and it’s a logical decision to take that pet with you when you divorce. However, when you buy pets jointly, you need to sit down and work out sensibly, who can give the pet the best home and love. Pets need company, dogs especially. What’s more, this may also affect the pet that was brought into the marriage by one partner, but has been cared for by the other half. Whoever ends up being the main caregiver for the children should probably assume the ongoing care of the pet(s) too.

The children will also need to have regular contact with their furry friends. Don’t underestimate the affection a child holds for a pet. They may grieve the pet more than the parent, so beware of forcing their separation from their beloved animals.

9. Costs of divorce vs costs to your health

There is no doubt that divorce is expensive, so is selling and moving home. But what’s the cost to your health if you stay stuck in a bad marriage? What negative impact is your failing relationship having on your children? Do you want them to grow up thinking your unloving relationship is normal of married life? Even when children recognise dysfunctional behaviour, because it’s what they’ve grown used to, they will often go on to repeat similar patterns themselves. Do you want that kind of a future for your own offspring?

10. Communication is key

If I can offer one word of advice it’s to try and remain friends to each other. At the very least, communicate with each other. It may be difficult at times, especially when one or both of you is hurting and you are being forced to deal with contentious issues like children, finance and support. Get good legal advice, but beware that there are many legals out there who like to stoke the flames of acrimony, so choose wisely. If you have children, choose a lawyer who specialises in family law. He or she will make sure the children’s best interests are served and will help you to make the right decisions.

If communication breaks down in the early stages, consider hiring a mediator who will be able to act as a third party. A mediator helps you work together to reach an agreement and can save you a lot of money if you can agree on the framework of your divorce. Once you’ve agreed on your framework, have your own legal representative check it over.

“Communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life. Without it … it dies.” Tony Gaskins

11. Self-care

Divorce anxiety has the knack of draining our energy and leaving us feeling lacklustre, overwhelmed and desperate. Make sure you prioritise your own health, both emotional and physical. In good health, you will be preparing yourself in the best way possible to successfully manage the coming months. You don’t want to regret the decisions you make because they will impact a large proportion of your future life. Let friends support you. Eat well, avoid drinking too much alcohol and try and prioritise good sleep. You’ll need your brain functioning as well as possible and a well fed, hydrated and rested brain will serve you much better than the frazzled alternative.

Importantly, take regular exercise – not only will it make you feel better about yourself and help you sleep more deeply, it is one of the best stress-busters known to man. Furthermore, get out in nature every day for a minimum of 20 minutes. Get the sun on your face and if the weather is bad, dress appropriately and blow the cobwebs away. Being outside has myriad health benefits and will help to support you during the difficult times ahead.

Lastly, have faith in the process. Eventually all the stress and decision-making will be over. Divorce anxiety will be a thing of the past. You will be able to wake up with a sense of freedom, empowerment and know that you have taken the necessary action to start to live life on your own terms.

If you’re considering divorce, what’s stopping you making that decision? What are the major challenges you are facing through your divorce? Do you have special ways of coping with them?


“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Lao Tzu – Tao Te Ching

Source: http://www.flourishtherapy.co.uk/divorce-anxiety-11-top-fears-and-how-to-overcome-them/

5 Common Causes of Divorce Anxiety and How to Cope With Them

Some changes are exciting and invigorating while others are viewed as overwhelmingly negative – and divorce is one of them. Here are simple tips on how to find calm when experiencing divorce anxiety.

Divorce Anxiety: Common Triggers and Coping Mechanisms

“No one likes change” may be a popular saying but it’s also reductive. We all know that certain changes – a new job, a new home etc. – can be incredibly exciting and invigorating. Some changes, though, are viewed as overwhelmingly negative – and divorce is one of them.

Because of this, it’s understandable that, whilst a marriage is in the process of being dissolved, those affected find themselves feeling anxious from time to time. Here, in my experience, are the five most common causes of divorce anxiety along with some simple tips on how to calm your nerves in the face of these triggers.

1. New Living Arrangements

We’re social creatures by nature so the thought of living alone, leaving the family home, finding a new home, being “home alone” with your kids, etc. regularly creates divorce anxiety.

In my experience, though, it is not really living with their spouse that people will miss but the idealized, imagined version of living with a partner that so many of us have that never really matches up to the reality.

Should such thoughts enter your mind, remember the times that living with your spouse was infuriating. It also helps to think of the friends and family living nearby and remembering that, when you feel lonely, there are always people you can rely on who are just a phone call away.

2. Making New Friends

Human beings are naturally sociable and crave the company of others. With our friendship circle often defined by our marriages, though, it’s fair to assume that some of these relationships will crumble and that we’ll need to go through the lengthy and frustrating process of creating a new friendship circle as a result.

Firstly, you’re probably going to find that some of your existing friends don’t want to take sides and want to maintain a relationship with both you and your spouse. Secondly, remember that you’ve been making new friends throughout the course of your entire life. Consider trying a new hobby or leisure activity or restarting an old one; as long as these get you out of the house, you’ll significantly increase the likelihood of meeting new people who share at least one common interest with you.

3. Increased Costs

When you can split the cost of living with someone, it’s cheaper to live. It’s straightforward and flawless logic and, yes, you’re going to be stretched financially, but think for a moment – is this going to be the first time you have ever struggled with money?

We’ve all had times where we’ve needed to tighten our belts or take on extra work to find the cash to pay our bills. Remember this when divorce anxiety over cash flow has its claws in you; remind yourself that you got through these tough times and you’ll get through this one, too.

If you’re feeling particularly anxious, sit down, review your monthly expenses, and work out where you can make savings relatively easily. Once you’ve done this, you’ll feel far more prepared and significantly less worried.

4. Co-Parenting

Sharing parental responsibility with your former spouse requires patience, compromise, and pragmatism. The need to consistently maintain a civil relationship with someone you may no longer like or, in the worse-case scenario, even actively dislike would make anyone concerned and, yes, it’ll require effort – but I’m certain you already possess all the motivation you need.

No sacrifices are easier to make than those we make for our children. Remaining respectful when you disagree on how to approach a particular problem or you’re trying to rearrange who’ll be having the kids and when is going to be testing but, as you’ll be doing it for your children, you’ll find a way to make it work.

If your ex is very high-conflict or has a personality disorder (such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder), you may need professional help to make co-parenting work and to protect yourself against parental alienation.

5. Dating after Divorce

You may think that starting a new relationship would be the last thing on someone’s mind when they’re in the midst of a divorce. Surprisingly, though – and perhaps due to the inherent desire for affection that we all possess – the thought of trying to meet someone new is a palpable cause for concern amongst those whose marriages are coming to an end.

In this instance, our advice is cliched but with good reason: romantic relationships cannot be forced and, tempting though it may be to try to force the issue, they must be left to occur organically. For this reason, all we can preach in this instance is patience. If the anxiety brought about by the need for companionship becomes too much, seek solace amongst your friends and loved ones.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/common-causes-of-divorce-anxiety-how-to-cope/

Reduce the Stress of a Divorce

No matter how frustrated you may have become with your partner, the decision to divorce never is an easy one. Strong emotions often arise on both sides. But there are healthy ways to cope.

Making the Decision

The decision legally to end a relationship sets off a long and difficult process. Even without complicated legal and financial issues, the upheaval is often enormous, affecting children, grandparents, friends and the extended family. The chances are that some of the family members involved will experience a drop in their standard of living. All will face an emotional challenge.

So before deciding to divorce, make sure you have done all you can to improve your relationship. Are you certain that there is no alternative, such as separation? Think about talking it over with a marriage and family therapist or getting other expert advice and help. A consultation with a lawyer can provide an idea of the likely legal and financial outcomes. Often lawyers will provide free initial consultations. Look in the Yellow Pages under “attorneys” for those who specifically handle divorces, as lawyers often specialise.

Coping with the Stress of Divorce

Separation and divorce are two of the most painful life events there are. They can lead you to question everything in your life, including your own identity and your ability to cope by yourself. Divorce highlights your fears and sensitivities, so old wounds from the past might resurface. You will need to recover your self-esteem, which will take time.

Below are some coping techniques to help you take care of yourself and others.

• Consider joining a support group, and going through mediation. It can lead to better communication and fewer confrontations with your ex-partner.
• Rather than withdrawing socially, surround yourself with friends. Remember how important they are in providing support, perspective and practical help.
• Learn how to balance giving and receiving. You don’t have to be perfect.
• Don’t beat yourself up over what you should have done. Stop the negative self-talk and guilt. You can’t change the past, so try to learn the lessons the present offers, then focus on a positive future.
• Set aside time just for yourself to help you find balance.
• Don’t worry about what other people might think.
• Declutter your environment. If something is too painful to look at or is useless to you now that you’re alone, throw it out.
• Determine what most needs doing and in what order. Then break up the tasks into smaller steps that can be done in several shorter periods of time. That way larger tasks seem more manageable and you are more likely to get them done.
• If you have been a stay-at-home mom and out of the workforce for some time, you probably will need to go back to school for training in a marketable skill. Bringing home your own money is satisfying and creates independence. It also sets a positive example for your children.
• Work toward forgiveness and moving on. Don’t deny your anger, but don’t let it drain your energy by getting stuck in resentment.
• Don’t be scared of going out on your own and opening up to new people.

Divorce and Money Issues

In addition to the difficulties of ending a relationship, you also will have to deal with finances. This can be particularly tricky if there is an atmosphere of mistrust because of the break-up. Many divorces actually are caused my money issues.

If your partner used to deal with all the financial matters, make it a priority to learn how to budget and manage your finances. Get advice on the financial decisions you need to make, especially if you are selling your house. Ask for help from your lawyer or an organization which supports those going through a divorce.

Most couples agree on a financial settlement without going to court, but even so, a typical divorce settlement can take over a year to finalize. Deciding on child maintenance payments can be especially difficult. Make a list of all your assets and debts, close joint accounts as soon as possible, and get advice on how your pension, savings and investments will be affected.

Divorce’s Effect on Children

While most adapt well, some children will suffer significant adjustment problems. They will at the very least be anxious about their relationships within the family and about the disruption in their own lives. A lot depends on how you handle it — you can make an enormous difference in how well they cope.

Below are some ways to reduce divorce’s emotional impact on children.

• Give them as much reassurance as possible. Keep telling them that they are not responsible for the break-up.
• Talk over what is happening in an age-appropriate way.
• Be open to their questions and encourage them to talk about their feelings, but don’t force them to talk.
• Encourage them to maintain their relationship with the other parent. Don’t criticize the other parent, demand exclusive loyalty, or use them to hurt your ex-partner.
• Avoid looking to your children for support or guidance. Ask friends or a therapist instead.
• Maintain normal household routines as far as possible.
• Look for signs of distress: increasingly clingy behavior, tantrums, fear of separation, anxiety at bedtime, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, headaches or stomachaches, increased aggression or perfectionism.
• If you observe these symptoms, let the child know that you understand they are upset and it’s OK to talk about it to you or another trusted adult. Help them express themselves as best they can and seek professional help if signs of distress continue.
• To reduce conflict around holidays, keep expectations realistic, including expectations of yourself. Don’t make younger children decide which parent to spend the holiday with; this will cause enormous distress. Parents should not try to outdo each other, or make up for problems, with presents or other indulgences.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/reduce-the-stress-of-a-divorce/

How to Handle Anxiety and Fear During Divorce

There are two very difficult emotions that almost everyone going through a divorce experiences for a long time: Anxiety and fear. If you think about it, it makes sense. The unknown can be scary and stressful, especially when it comes to children, finances, living alone, the divorce process itself, maintaining a relationship with your ex, and dating.

There are many ways to soothe anxiety and fear. Some people go on medication. While I am not personally a fan, I think in some cases, seeking medical help and taking a pill is necessary, very beneficial and nothing to be ashamed of. People also cope with anxiety and fear by exercising, making lifestyle changes, going to therapy, implementing faith in their lives, and something I’m going to address below—training the mind to re-think.

Here are 9 things you might be thinking during your divorce which could be causing anxiety and fear, and 9 ways to train your mind to re-think them:

1. Life feels like it’s two steps forward, four steps back. Hard work, dedication and consistency will ultimately move me ahead, making the steps backward not even noticeable at some point.

2. I’m scared. Fear is created in my own mind. I have the power to recognize that and to use it to drive me, motivate me, and energize me to achieve great things.

3. My financial picture seems bleak. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, heat, medical care, even a bed to sleep in. That’s not bleak.

4. I hope my divorce doesn’t affect my children in a negative way. I have the power to raise my children as I see fit. I’m a great mom (or dad), I show them love, I have open communication with them and I am doing everything in my power to help them during this difficult time. The rest is uncontrollable and therefore is a waste of negative energy to think about.

5. When it comes to dating after divorce, relationships can be complicated with kids and ex’s, and loving again takes vulnerability and courage, which I don’t know if I have. Romantic love at any age is beautiful and fun and sexy and breathtaking. Vulnerability is healthy and makes the relationship better. Whether he loves me or not is out of my control. All I can do is be me and be proud of who I am.

6. Dealing with my ex can be so difficult. Enough whining. My relationship with my ex is something I will have to maintain in a healthy way for a long, long time. I must learn to live with it and take the emotion out of it. In other words, nothing good comes from bringing up the past. And, I will never stop taking the high road. It will never be the wrong decision, no matter how he (or she) acts towards me.

7. It’s hard to be a single mom (or dad). I feel alone sometimes. Would I rather be in my former bad marriage? Also, I am not alone if I have children, a good family and/or friends, and people who love me. Plus, 50% of the population is divorced making 50 percent of them single parents, just like me.

8. Why is my ex in a relationship and I’m still single? This isn’t a competition. Let him or her live their life. I need to focus on mine. Do I want to be in a relationship? If so, how can I make that happen? Am I happy? If not, what’s it going to take to make me happy? Better figure it out soon.

9. Getting older isn’t easy. Really? You’re playing that card? Am I healthy? I need to do what it takes to get to my healthiest potential. Health should be my number one priority. What’s it going to take?

I have one last suggestion for dealing with fear and anxiety during divorce. Go to the gym. There is something about that place, as if it has some kind of a vacuum that sucks in everything that is bugging you.

I’m not saying that working out solves your problems, but rather that engaging in physical activity, lifting weights and challenging your body takes your mind to the core of what you are doing at that moment—working hard, and it makes everything in life seem so much more manageable and solvable.

I find that if I walk in there all doom and gloom, I always walk out refreshed, my mind open to all these creative avenues that are going to help solve my problems, along with a feeling of accomplishment and self-worth. It happens to me time and time again. I’ll go so far as to say going to the gym is like taking a happy pill.

Remember that you aren’t alone in experiencing fear and anxiety during divorce, and even after. It’s part of life. The key in managing it is focusing that energy on the things you have, the positives, and the aspects that are going to shape your bright future. And when you start thinking that way, good things begin to happen!

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/how-to-handle-anxiety-and_b_8332536.html

Why the Pain of Divorce Is Hard to Get Over

Your pain is almost unbearable but, you will get over it.

To understand the emotional pain experienced during a divorce, it might help to discuss the two types of emotional pain, according to some psychologists. There is “clean pain” and “dirty pain.”

Clean pain, is the pain that comes with living life in general. The loss of a loved one, having a serious illness, being in an abusive relationship and so forth. We all, at some time or another experience this kind of pain.

Dirty pain, is pathological pain and comes from what we tell ourselves about situations we find ourselves in. For example, negative thinking about oneself or, harsh judgments from others and a negative view of the world and experiences will cause us to experience “dirty pain.”

Both clean and dirty pain are experienced during a divorce, which is one reason the pain of divorce is hard to move past. It is common during a divorce to feel the pain of loss and the pain of pathological thinking about that loss. In other words, we experience both necessary pain and unnecessary pain during a divorce.

Regardless of whether you are the one who wanted a divorce or, the one who was left behind, there is emotional pain and healing to be expected. Perhaps if we look at where the feelings of sadness and negative emotions come from it will be easier to understand why the healing process can take longer than expected for some who divorce.

Where Does The Pain of Divorce Come From?

1. You’ve lost someone you once loved or maybe still love. There is a grieving process much like one would experience if they lost a loved one to death. It isn’t unusual to blame yourself for the end of the marriage or, blame your ex-spouse.
For those who didn’t want a divorce, there will be periods of anger at everything and everyone.

You may withdraw from friends and support and isolate yourself in an attempt for self-protection. Your ex is someone you were once intimately attached to; give yourself time to adjust to that loss.

2. You’ve lost dreams for the future. In a marriage, we live in the present and the future. There are constant thoughts of where we, as a couple will be 5, 10 or 20 years down the road. With divorce, any future the two of you had planned is gone; you have to start from scratch and learn to build a future for one after a divorce.

It is easy for newly divorced individuals to get stuck in the present or the past, ruminating over what went wrong and how they are feeling, “right now” instead of looking forward. Is it any wonder that some find it hard to get past the pain of having to let go of the future and start over again?

3. You’ve lost an intact family. If we have children we all work hard at having the “perfect” family. A lot of time and emotional energy goes into maintaining a great intact family. A lot of emotional pain goes into letting go of the idea that we didn’t have a “perfect” family.
When a family falls apart we are made more aware of the work and energy that will go into building a new and different family with a new partner.

We have to not only take into consideration our own pain and fears we have to focus on doing what is in the best interest of our children who’ve suffered the greatest loss of all.

4. You feel as if you have failed. Most of us don’t live in constant denial and are able to take responsibility for the role we played in the demise of our marriage. Admitting to ourselves that we made mistakes can leave us feeling vulnerable and riddled with guilt.
Even as commonplace as divorce is in today’s society there is still a certain amount of shame and embarrassment attached to the idea that we were not able to keep our marriage together. Facing others in our social circle, church or family can bring up negative emotions that also take time to heal. It is a matter of adjusting, going from being part of a couple to single again after a divorce.

And, that being OK within and without.

The above is a short list. It, by no means, covers all the bases. Pain is relative and each divorce situation is unique. You will suffer losses that are exclusive to your marriage and your recovery. The secret to recovering and moving on after divorce is to become self-aware and honest with yourself.

Divorce may mean freedom but with that freedom comes loss, and there must be a willingness to take the necessary time to heal.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-the-pain-of-divorce-is-hard-to-get-over-1102713

How Do I Help a Stressed Friend Or Loved One?

It’s difficult when we feel the heavy weight of anxiety bearing down on us, but watching a loved one deal with it can be just as hard. In fact, one of the most common questions we hear from our meQuilibrum community is, “How do I help my partner/child/sibling/parent/friend who’s really stressed?” So we decided to dedicate this week’s Cup of Calm to providing concrete ways you can help a loved one in distress return to a place of calm and capability.

April is Stress Awareness Month, which is all about increasing public awareness of both the causes and cures for our modern stress epidemic. In that spirit, we’ve put together a list of meQuilibrium’s top tips for soothing anxiety in others, from our Chief Science Officer Dr. Andrew Shatté.

It’s common to feel frustrated or powerless. The key? Counterbalancing the physical symptoms of anxiety and helping to put the issue in perspective. Here are five actionable ways to do just that:

1. Help them reconnect with the present. When someone you love is in the throes of anxiety, your first instinct might be to urge them to “calm down” or to “just relax.” But this may not be possible, because anxiety has a physical component that you can’t always “think” your way out of. “Anxiety is triggered when we perceive a threat, and that perception, accurate or not, causes a release of adrenaline,” says Shatté. “It activates the sympathetic nervous system, an age-old way to get us to flee from danger. We sweat, and we even get dry mouth as a way to preserve moisture. Any activity that requires blood or energy shuts down, so we get cold feet and tingling fingers.” These sensations are real, so don’t invalidate them. Instead, help your loved one reconnect with the present moment. You can do this by asking them to close their eyes and notice their body or what’s going on around them: the feeling of their feet touching the ground, the weight of their hands in their lap, the quiet hum of an air conditioner or heater.

2. Get them moving. Next, help them begin to calm down their body. Encourage them to take a deep breath, which reduces anxiety—breathing deeply activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which balances out the sympathetic nervous system and works to calm us down. Ask them to take 5 to 10 deep breaths, or try walking them through a breathing exercise. Offer them a drink of water, which eases an upset stomach and dry mouth. Then, get active. When Shatté’s kids feel nervous, he takes them on a walk, “because anxiety has that motivational piece of wanting to run away,” he says. “Behaviorally, walking forward is the exact opposite. Moving toward something shows you have nothing to fear.”

3. Help them get perspective. Imagine you’re standing in a dark, unfamiliar room. Fearful of what could be lurking in the shadows, you stumble around, blindly searching for the exit. Not very pleasant, right? Now imagine you’re in the same room, but someone switches on the light. There may be obstacles in your way, but you can see the exit—and your path becomes clear. This is a good analogy for anxious thinking. When anxious thoughts are rattling around in our mind, it’s easy to get lost or overwhelmed. Simply naming our worries can bring some much-needed clarity. Turn on the light for your loved one by asking them to clearly verbalize what they fear. The trick is to get those thoughts out of their head and into the light, so they become less scary—and less believable.

4. Ask “then what?” Once you understand their fears, walk them through worst-case scenarios. Maybe your spouse is worried about a stressful meeting with a boss. Ask, “And then what?” They might be afraid of being criticized. “And then what?” They may be afraid of getting fired, losing their income, and ending up on the street. Walking them through these steps illustrates how remote our worst fears often are. For example, the chances of one high pressure meeting ending in your home being repossessed is unlikely, to say the least. “When people are anxious, they often go well beyond the evidence in front of them—they go from layoffs to a dumpster,” Shatté says. Verbalizing worst-case scenario fears helps to neutralize them.

5. Bring positivity into the balance. It’s human nature to spend more time and energy on the negative events in our life than we do the positive—but this keeps us stuck in survival mode. In order to truly thrive, we have to mindfully bring more positivity into our lives. So, once your loved one has found a place of calm, help them shift their thinking to the positive. Have them list three things they are grateful for—there is no wrong answer, and nothing is too small to qualify. Bonus points for writing it down. To help prevent future anxiety, encourage your loved one to make it a habit—beyond reducing stress, the scientifically-proven benefits of this practice range from better sleep to improved self-esteem.

By helping a loved one cope with anxiety, you’re helping them to guard against it. Coping isn’t easy, but by offering your support, you can ensure that your loved one doesn’t have to tackle it alone.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-do-i-help-a-stressed-friend-or-loved-one_us_58ee2f89e4b0ea028d568e88?utm_hp_ref=stress