Happily Ever, After We Split

MY husband and I started talking divorce at my friend Sara’s wedding. It was May in the Hamptons. Standing before the crashing Atlantic in her strapless gown, my friend looked vulnerable yet serene, as if she knew this man would always hold back the tide. Sara’s bridegroom read his vows, shivering a little as he promised to always listen, to make her goals his goals, to constantly improve his mind to remain interesting to her.

I sat on a folding chair, huddled under my husband’s suit jacket, looking from the marrying couple to the man I had married. We didn’t write our own vows, but if we had, my husband wouldn’t have made those promises.

I wasn’t really comparing my marriage to my friends’ wedding. A wedding is the cherry atop the dreamy early days. Marriage combined with work and parenthood can be a romance-eroding machine, especially if you have a rambunctious toddler who climbs every refrigerator, parking meter and child-safety gate he sees.

I was comparing the gap between what my husband and I want from marriage and the compatibility of my friends’ expectations. Because having a shared vision for marriage does matter.

After the ceremony, I slumped against one of the dunes along the shore. My husband sat down next to me. “You know,” I said, kicking off my sandals and staring toward the distant sun. “What are we doing? Why are we still doing this?”

He gazed toward the water. He wasn’t expecting me to suggest divorce during our romantic wedding weekend, but he wasn’t shocked, either.

We had been discussing our incompatibilities for years. We met at a book party in 2000 and were immediately attracted to each other and to certain aspects of each other’s personality. But while I yearn for a deeply united, soul-mate-style connection, he wants something looser, more independent, less enmeshed.

This difference created friction almost immediately; still, we wanted our romance to last. We took a Calvinist approach to our union, as if “hard work” could yield a better match. Or he did. I was probably channeling the sculptor Rodin. As if by constantly chipping away at each other, we would reveal an edifice of perfect love. Other times, I felt we were erecting a scaffolding of a life — beautiful home, nice parties — and hoping the snug interior would fill itself in.

My husband is a good person: hard-working, committed to social justice. But I’ve come to a startling truth about myself: I might be happier with a less ambitious partner, someone less focused on his career and curing the ills of the world and more focused on me, actually, and the piddling details of our family life.

We rose from the sand and shuffled to the reception. The next day, driving around the North Fork, my husband said: “I met a guy last night with a great custody arrangement. He takes his daughter to school and plays with her afterward until the mom gets home. It made me feel hopeful.”

I looked at him, driving responsibly, hands at 10 and 2, as always. I felt hopeful, too. I want my husband in my life, and certainly in our son’s. But I did not see why this meant we had to remain married.

I’ve always had an optimistic view of divorce. My parents divorced amicably when I was 5, and I remained close to both. My father now lives jovially with his third ex-wife, who has become his roommate. My sister recently completed her second divorce and seems happier than ever. I know this may sound as if my family doesn’t respect marriage, but we care about it deeply: we keep breaking up mediocre ones in pursuit of a better match.

My mother and stepfather just divorced after 35 years. While not my mother’s choice, even this painful split has an upside. My mother and father, simultaneously single for the first time since 1972, began e-mailing each other. There was talk of taking a family vacation: my mother, father, sister and me, and all our kids. The last time we took a family vacation I was 4, and I was thrilled about this proposed reunion.

In November, when my husband and I finally announced our decision to split, I assumed my friends would bring Champagne and chocolates. “Finally,” they would say to themselves. “They’ve been frustrated for years.”

Instead, I got pushback. “Are you sure you want to do this?” a friend asked. “Maybe you’re just unhappy in your career.”

A therapist friend said, “I have a number of attractive friends your age who are single and have been unable to meet someone new.”

“This may be the last party you two throw,” a friend sniffled at what was, in fact, the last party we threw.

Why were my friends so reluctant to let my marriage go? Because they like my husband and care about me. But also because not many people in our circle are divorced. In fact, I live among one of the nation’s least-divorcing demographics: for educated couples in the Northeast who married after age 35, the divorce rate is often cited at around 7 percent. And even though divorce has changed in the last 20 years — improved, as has so much in our private lives — negative assumptions persist.

Of course, there are vicious divorces. It’s hard to dismantle a shared life. Fear and anxiety can exacerbate anger, especially if guilt or shame clouds your thinking. Also, now that you’re cutting free, those irritating habits you’ve been ignoring can rear up with years of accumulated frustration.

It takes real work to hold the nuances in your head, to remain kind and considerate, to remember why you married in the first place and still push forward to separate. As a culture, we understand that a good marriage takes work. Why not work equally hard to have a good divorce? To paraphrase the 17th-century poet John Milton in his treatise supporting divorce, a key purpose of marriage is joyful companionship; a fraught union violates the point.

The negative feedback began to unnerve me. Were they right? Was I being overly optimistic, trading a subpar match for no one? Would I end up alone, snuggling up with my parti poodle, Paco?

My soon-to-be-ex turned out to be one of the few people who shared my vision of a better, more connected future — with different partners. “If we get divorced, it’s going to be awful for two years,” he said. “Better to get those two years out of the way sooner rather than later.”

This coolheaded stoicism, often squelching in marriage, felt reassuring and uplifting when contemplating divorce. He wanted us to focus on the good parts of our marriage and consider it a success that had run its term.

“No one else seems to see it that way,” I said.

“This is really between you and me,” my future ex insisted. “It’s not really their business.”
I’ve longed for that us-against-the-world unity for years. In our separation, he is finally expressing it.

In January, we sat on the squashy couch under our front window, legs tucked under a soft orange blanket from our former country house, and reaffirmed our commitment to split, at least on a trial basis. We refined the details — who would watch our son when, how we would talk about it at parties. While we never saw marriage the same way, we have nearly identical views of a positive, empowering divorce. Gazing at my future ex, I thought: I’m going to wind up loving him more during our divorce.

He moved to an apartment around the corner in March, and many of my longstanding frustrations disappeared. I need a lot less from a future ex, and he is far more able to give it. If he is not going to be my husband, he is not “required” (by me) to pay attention to every single thing I say. If he is just a friend, who cares that he won’t try Zumba?

PEOPLE insist it will get harder, that we’re still in the “honeymoon” stage of separation. Certainly other partners and new priorities will complicate things. Still, I’m committed to upholding my end of our ideal divorce.

Meanwhile, my own long-divorced parents have started spending time together. They went to Mexico for a week. We have taken three family trips. They disagree on politics and how to be a grandparent, but they’re careful of each other’s foibles, solicitous. Their gentleness is a model of how I would like to be in my next relationship, which I hope is a marriage that lasts forever.

But if it doesn’t, that’s O.K. I think we need more flexibility in our view of intimate relationships. You might be married and live in separate apartments. You might be divorced and never speak again. Or you might be divorced and civil. Be divorced and remain friends. Be divorced and discover a new closeness in 30 years.

Now that my parents have reconnected, my vision of the Good Divorce extends “till death do us part.” I’m optimistic about my future with my future ex. Divorce, I now think, is no more fixed a state than marriage.

Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/03/fashion/happily-ever-after-divorce.html

Bend, Not Break: 9 Powerful Traits of Resilient People

The noun resilience stems from the Latin resiliens “to rebound, recoil.” As a character trait, resilience is a person’s mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness or depression.

For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball. Like millions, I have had my share of adversity. Growing up in Bangladesh, I have seen war, famine, and inhumane poverty. As an entrepreneur, technologist, and author, I have faced many professional and personal failures and rejections. I had to learn the art of resiliency to survive and then thrive.

Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking. They possess a set of powerful traits. I’ve shared some of these traits separately in my previous posts; in this article, I wanted to bring them all together.

They Protect Their Soul

Dusting ourselves off every time we fall requires disciplining our inner energy and drive to protect our soul.

1. They Control Their Destiny.

It is difficult to understand how you can control your destiny when the very nature of adversity takes away your control. Destiny results from “intention” — our spiritual will, something that drives us to do what seems impossible.

Laurence Gonzales, author of SURVIVING SURVIVAL: The Art and Science of Resilience, in an article writes:

Julian Rotter, a professor of psychology at the University of Connecticut, developed the concept of what he calls “locus of control.” Some people, he says, view themselves as essentially in control of the good and bad things they experience — i.e., they have an internal locus of control.
This internal locus allows us to create options and scenarios based on instinct, the situation, and foresight. It allows us to create alternative plans in anticipation or in the midst of adversity.

2. They Accept Their Battle.

As humans, our instincts are to fight bitterly against adversity. The most resilient among us will often find a way to fight it by embracing it.

On my desk is a copy of “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Very few have talked about embracing adversity like him. A professor at Carnegie Mellon and a husband and father of three, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only a few months to live. He gave his Last Lecture on Sept. 18, 2007. His story, and particularly this final lecture, are a powerful reminder of the strength of the human spirit.

It’s not about how to achieve your dreams, it’s about how to lead your life ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. — Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Randy decided to accept his situation and live out the days he had remaining by making a difference. He died on July 25, 2008, and now he lives on not only through his family but also through the millions he inspired. I am certainly one of them.

If you haven’t seen the “Last Lecture“ or read the book, then you must.

Once we accept our situation and let go of the outcome, it allows us to adapt and even thrive in the face of adversity.

3. They Use Adversity As Their Compass.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. — Helen Keller
Sometimes, if we pay close attention, we see that adversity can come into our life to guide us to our true destiny. It certainly did for Helen Keller.

Helen Keller fell ill, lost her sight, her hearing and fell mute while she was a child. Today, her name is known around the world as a symbol of courage, strength and determination in the face of overwhelming odds. Through the tutelage of her teacher, Ms. Annie Sullivan, and other great supporters, she used her adversity to find her vision, her voice, and a calling for herself that led to great benefits to others.

They Learn to Suffer Well

Adversity inherently invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. Accepting and growing through our pain is part of our personal growth. This is hardly easy. Like any other skill, learning to suffer well requires conscious practice and learning.

4. They Practice Patience. 

The realization of the power of patience was most obvious to me during my visit to the Toshogu Shrine in Nikko, Japan. There, I stood in front of a famous Japanese calligraphy, a quote by Tokugawa Ieyasu, founder of the Tokugawa shogunate which ruled Japan for over 250 years until 1868.

It says: “The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.”

Over time, I have found that the practice of patience begins with:

Compassion — The Dalai Lama says, “a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” It is perhaps one of the hardest things to practice, yet there’s no substitute for compassion.

Gratitude — When life turns upside down, staying in an attitude of genuine thankfulness helps us realize what we have.

5. They Let Go. 

Fear is a protective emotion signaling danger and helps us to prepare for and cope with it. Fear perhaps is the key fundamental emotion that holds us back — fear of failure, losing people, success, the unknown, and fear of moving forward or making a change. Emotional pain is another key factor that often holds us back. Although others can cause pain for us, our pain can also be caused by our own actions, including our inability to achieve a desired aspiration.

The physical reaction to fear and pain is called the “fight or flight” response. Letting go is the inner action that stops resisting fear and pain, allowing us to restore our ability to see clearly. Letting go comes from having a “nonjudgmental” outlook toward life and people. It allows us to forgive others and ourselves equally for mistakes and incompatibility. We must be willing to let go of fear, pain, anger, and people. It is the ability to let go that drives a constant process of change — it is what makes us flexible and adaptable. This is hardly easy, takes a conscious effort, and is something I know I struggle with every day.

6. They Live in the Moment. 

Being truly in the moment allows us to escape from adversity and conserve our inner energy. Living in the moment doesn’t mean we don’t care about the past or future. It means that when we make a choice to do something, we focus on solely doing it, rather than letting our mind wander into the future (or the past).

It’s been said that the only two jobs of a Zen monk are sitting zazen (meditation) and sweeping. Cleaning is one of the most important daily rituals of a Zen monk. They sweep or rake, and they try to do nothing else in that moment. The next time you’re doing housework, try concentrating on the housework — on the dust, the motion, the sensation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as boring chores, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness — something I ritualistically try to do at least once or twice a week. Sounds simple — but it’s actually pretty hard.

They Lead From Within

Despite our darkest moments, it is our duty to stay connected to our core intention. Resilient people reach their highest potential by taking risks that are consistent with their ethos and purpose. They lead themselves by constantly standing on an uncomfortable ledge.

7. They Develop Flexibility.

Lao Tzu said, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: What is soft is strong.”

Our ability to effectively survive, thrive and lead comes from flexibly riding out our ups and downs. An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having the faith, resilience and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.

8. They Find the Right Traveling Partners. 

The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. It’s not only whom we surround ourselves with that matters, but also how we interact with them that make the difference. It is important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. While we cannot always avoid them, at a minimum we can choose to not allow them to weaken us. And sometimes the right companion shows up through chance encounters.

In life’s journey there are many encounters. Some are planned; some are by accident; and some by divine intervention. I have had many amazing “Chance Encounters,” where it seems the universe rallied to come to my aid when I needed the help most. They have occurred when least expected — and many of the people I’ve encountered have become friends and family. And whenever those encounters initially left me with a “negative” experience, they turned out to be much-needed lessons for me.

9. They Take the Next Step Forward. 

The ability to visualize our dreams creates a mindset that makes our ambitions possible. Understanding exactly what we want is the foundation for our success. But executing that success requires taking the next step, every day, no matter how hard it may be.
Author Joseph Marshall III shares Native American wisdom on taking the step in his book Keep Going.

It means letting the tears flow through the grief; it means to keep looking for the answer though the darkness of despair is all around. Each step takes you closer to the top of the hill, closer to the light of the next sunrise, and the promise of a new day.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/faisal-hoque/bend-not-break-9-powerful_b_4719513.html

You Have The Power To Choose Your Attitude

In these moments when you want to lose your cool, it’s worth asking: What’s to be gained?

We’ve all had those moments of losing our cool. Often it happens in the car, when someone cuts us off and we lash out either vocally or demonstrably, venting our frustration into the vacuum. And sometimes it happens in a more public fashion. I witnessed two of these episodes recently, both in airports (another place that seems to send many of us over the edge).

In the first incident, a couple was late for their connecting flight, so late that the gate had already closed and the plane was in the process of pushing back. It was a small airport, and the rest of us watched as the woman banged on the door repeatedly, demanding that someone on the other side open it, and then both she and her partner turned on the gate agent, screaming at him and demanding to know why the plane had left without them. It was both fascinating and uncomfortable to watch, especially as their toddler wandered around the airport, happy and oblivious to his parents’ distress.

In the second incident, we were on one of the buses that takes you from the gate to your plane at Reagan National in D.C. It’s a silly experience, but necessary, and anyone who gets onto the bus early knows that there will be a period of waiting for the stragglers. As we all waited a man let loose to no one in particular (but apparently directed at his family) about what a stupid process it was, and how incompetent the people driving the bus were, and so forth, in a louder and louder voice. By the time we got to the plane, another, unrelated woman had joined in, complaining loudly for all to hear.

We’ve all been there. And yes there are places – in the car, in an airport – that tend to bring out the particular worst in all of us. But it’s worth asking ourselves in these moments,what’s to be gained? The couple in the first scenario did not berate themselves onto the plane, and frankly, who would want them there? The two individuals in the second scenario did not get us to the plane any faster, but they sure did irritate all of their fellow passengers.

Our attitude is a choice. We have no control over the attitudes and behaviors of others. Despite what we might tell ourselves, we can’t make other people better friends, partners, or colleagues. Banging on the door of the gate isn’t going to make the plane come back. And, most likely, yelling at the gate agent and calling him names isn’t going to get you better service.

The positive psychology researcher Shawn Achor tells us that 90% of our long-term happiness is predicted not by the world around us, but by how our brain processes the world around us. In other words, if we choose to see the world as out to get us, then that is how we will experience it. But of course, the flip-side of that is also true: if we choose to see the world as a generally positive, supportive place, then that is how we will experience it.

That doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen. But it does take some of the perceived negative intent out of those things when they do. Maybe the person who just cut us off is late getting to the hospital to see a sick loved one, and not just a jerk. Maybe the gate agent is just doing his job, and not conspiring against us.

This has real implications for our work relationships, as well. While it would be lovely to think that we are surrounded by hard-working, supportive colleagues who always have our best interests at heart, we know that’s not always the case. Sometimes people let us down at work, and it has consequences for our ability to do our jobs well. Sometimes people aren’t good at their jobs, or don’t treat us the way we would like to be treated.

It bears repeating: you have zero ability to “fix” them, to change their behaviors or theirattitudes. All that you can do is choose how you will react. So in these moments, before your inclination is to lash out at them, take a deep breath and think about:

• What’s causing these feelings? I find that often when I get the most irritated in the car is when I’m running late somewhere, which is, of course, not the fault of all of the people around me. Is the root cause this other person’s actions or my own?
• What will my reaction get me? Is the momentary satisfaction of blasting another person worth the potential long-term impacts on our relationship? Will it get me the results that I am looking for?
• What do I not know about this situation? Is there a reason that this other person is behaving in this way? Are there some questions that I can ask to find out more?
• Who’s watching me? Who is going to learn from this moment, and what will they learn about appropriate behavior and about me?

A recent study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology found that venting and complaining at work actually increases the impact of negative experiences. This doesn’t mean one should be a Pollyanna about work and life, refusing to see that anything can possibly be wrong. It does mean that we can all benefit from choosing our attitudes, in work, in life, and especially when the stakes seem particularly high.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/choose-your-attitude_us_58f2441de4b0156697224fbf?utm_hp_ref=stress

Highly Optimistic People Do These 10 Things

We all know a person or two who always see the sunny side of life. These people are happy, outgoing, vivacious, energetic, and full of spunk and spirit. They look for the positive in every situation. They have a clear head and an open heart. Their glass is always half-full, maybe even, overflowing. Their lives revolve around the good things that they do, the good thoughts that they think, and the good things that they choose to see.

An increasing number of scientific studies and independent research has shown that optimistic people have better mental and physical health. Optimistic people tend to live longer, overcome difficulties faster, manage stress better, have lower rates of depression, and focus more on their true purpose in life. Overall, the studies behind the benefits of being optimistic prove that it pays great dividends to develop a positive outlook on life.

The world would be so grateful if it had more optimistic people in it. So, let’s start developing some habits that will move us in that direction:

Smile often.

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself and your life on the inside. It also helps to attract more positive people to you. Wear a smile like a badge of honor. When we smile, we create the type of environment we want to live in and work in. Smiling releases tension and frustration, it helps us to think about tough situations differently, and it loosens up our face so other people will feel comfortable around us. On the other hand, frowning or looking sad all the time, attracts negative energy and negative people to us. It makes difficult situations more difficult and our lives harder to manage.

Be thankful.

Appreciate the good things and good people that come into your life. Express your appreciation with words and deeds. If you’re not grateful for what you have in life, you will not get more. At the same time, we should also be grateful for the bad things in life, and even for the difficult people that come into our lives. These things are given to us to make us stronger, wiser, brighter, and better people. Be thankful for the good and the bad in every situation because all of it helps guide us to live brilliant lives. That’s the whole point of being optimistic.

Laugh a lot.

The Bible got it right: “Laughter is like medicine.” Some things in life are serious, and those things should be taken seriously. But some things are just down right funny. Some things are so stupid that they’re funny. Some of the things we do, the mistakes we make, the mindless behavior, is funny. Learn to open up and laugh. Have a ball laughing at yourself, at other people (seriously, some people are funny), at silly things, at serious things. Come on, don’t be stuck up and take everything so seriously. Don’t take yourself seriously either. You can get through the tough times of life much easier if you learn to laugh. Life is like a cake. The serious stuff is on the inside, but it’s covered over in icing so you can’t see it.

Take responsibility.

So often, people blame their past, their family, their environment, and even third parties who don’t know them, such as the government, for their problems. Blaming people for what you alone can change will only make you sadder and depressed. People who take responsibility for the choices that they make, by default, live happier lives. When you accept who you are and realize that what you do is under no one else’s control but yours, you will begin to see optimism rise in your life. You are in control of you. No one can block your sunshine or hinder you from success unless you let them.

Listen.

When we truly listen to other people, we are saying by our behavior that we are confident and secure within ourselves to be open to what other people have to say. We don’t know everything. When we open our minds and ears, we allow more knowledge and wisdom to come in and resonate with us instead of blocking out the good ideas and thoughts of others. When we know what we know and at the same time are willing to listen to what other people know, we attract more of the good stuff that we desire in life. Not only should we listen to positive people, but we should listen to God, to our conscience, and to the often silent cry of those who are poor, desperate, and without hope.

Show kindness.

Those who have a bright outlook on life are better equipped to handle the not so fortunate situations of other people. They can often bring a positive view to a negative situation and show the person going through it a different way out. Optimistic people see what can be done when other people don’t and can’t see it. These people shine a candle for others. They light the path so that others can follow in it. They step out, take a little child’s hand in theirs and help to make that child’s life better. They fight for those who are weak and they dream for those who can’t or won’t dream for themselves.

Forgive.

Okay, sure, forgiveness is easier said than done. But unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person who needs to be forgiven. People are not perfect; they disappoint, they make mistakes, they say things that they shouldn’t, and do things that they know will hurt. But you can never move forward if you’re always holding grudges against people who hurt you in the past. Let stuff go. Cancel out the debt of hurt and pain. Bad experiences and hurtful people do not define us. Forgive. Even if they don’t ask for it, forgive them anyway. 
Optimistic people don’t let past hurts hinder their present progress. Forgiveness always leads to freedom.

Do your thing.

Positive people are insanely in love with what they do. They know who they are, they know what their gifts and talents are, and they are crazily happy to wake up and make things happen. Their purpose is the fuel that propels them forward to climb higher and to do bigger and better things in life. They are undeterred by roadblocks and setbacks. They see every day as an exciting challenge. They live in the moment and are passionate about the possibilities of greatness that lie within them. At the same time, positive people are able to encourage and appreciate the gifts and talents of others. They are not envious or jealous of the success of other people. Why? They don’t have time to because they are too busy being successful themselves.

Think positively.

When we think of a hospital, we often think of all the people who are sick or dying, the needles that must be inserted, the blood that must be drawn, the skin that must be grafted, the leg that must be amputated, the heart that must be replaced, and the kidney that must be transplanted. Sure, all of these things and more must be done. But rarely do we think about the baby that is being delivered, the organ being donated, the brain tumor that has been removed, the cancer that has been caught early, the medicine that has done its job, and the lives that are being saved. See, when we start to visualize the good things that come from bad situations, we open up our minds to see the wonderful things waiting to be seen. The sun continues to shine even when it’s raining. There is always a rainbow waiting to burst forth after the rain. Optimistic people always see the good, the positive, the sunshine, the rainbow. If we think we can, we can. It takes more energy to worry about what can’t be done then it does to work on what can be done. Positive thinking people don’t live in Pollyanna land, but they do realistically see the world and life in a forward manner. They are able to deal with the tough stuff and at the same time attract more of the good stuff to their lives. Life is not left up to chance, it is left up to our choices. We often hear people say, “It is what it is.” Really? No. It is what you make it.

Be inspiring.

You can’t live your life to yourself. That’s selfish. Live openly. Let other people be inspired by what you do. Be a person who creates things for other people to enjoy. Few people write books, but millions read them. Few people sing songs, but millions listen to them. Few people know how to give good advice, but millions follow them. The world needs inspiring people, creative people, awesome people. Be one of them.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniella-whyte/highly-optimistic-people-_b_9803338.html

Don't let yourself off, keep on going!

As we work towards a goal or through a period of challenge, and when faced with a difficult task, when we feel tired and in need of a rest, or sometimes just when we're controlled by fear, it can be tempting to take a break, to let ourselves off, to be 'kind' to ourselves.

At times like these, it's all the more important to keep on going, to take the difficult decision, confront the unpleasant task and to have the awkward conversation. 

Through continued action, relentlessly committing to the goal and taking step-by-step eventually we'll achieve our goals and get to where we want and deserve to be.

I wish you a happy, fulfilled and successful 2018 as you work through your divorce and forwards to your new and better life. I'm right there with you, pressing ever forwards and onwards!

When things are going well - Keep on going!

Even in times of adversity, like working through divorce, there are times when things are actually going pretty well! At times like these it's important not to let your own fears or limiting beliefs convince you that this is just luck, or that it's temporary.

It's also important not to allow others to take this away from you; they may want to prepare you for the fact that things could take a turn for the worse, or they might be acting out of jealousy or a sub-conscious desire to see you fail.

Don't listen to them (or to yourself)! When things are going well, enjoy it, celebrate it and feel grateful for it! 

When things are going well, capitalise on it, double-down on it... work harder and expect even more! 

The future is yours to control and influence!

Divorce Your Divorce

While everyone hopes for a quick divorce settlement, it can drag on and take over your time, mind and emotions. It’s up to you to “divorce your divorce.” It’s inevitable for it to go on, but you can’t let it take over your life. If you have children, you can’t be in a bad mood around them. If you are working, you can’t act upset or depressed at the office. When the divorce affects your daily life, you have to do your best to keep it in the correct prospective. It may sound difficult to do, but when you set your mind to it you will be pleased at how much better you will feel. By not letting your divorce take over your life, you can move forward more quickly.

The divorce will eventually be completed and if you don’t live your life during the divorce process, you will look back and be mad at yourself. So how do you live your life during a divorce? Here are seven ways to help you divorce your divorce and enjoy summer.

Visit a Juice Bar
How do you keep yourself healthy during this trying time? One of the best ways is juicing. Go to a local juice bar and order something refreshing. You may meet someone at the juice bar who is single and is interested in health.

Exercise More
Try something new like kickboxing or tai-chi. It will help you get in shape as well as lessen any frustration or aggression you may be feeling about your soon-to-be-ex.

Take a Class
This is a great way to get your mind off of your divorce. A friend of mine took a cooking class and there was a great deal of interaction with the other students. She made friends and they had dinner parties once the class ended.

Make a Plan
Try to make plans to get together with friends. Go out and do something fun and get your mind off of the divorce! Pick a place where they do things that are fun and make you feel happy,

Talk to a Therapist
If you feel you need to speak with someone about your divorce to help you deal with it, then you should. There are many good therapists who can offer advice during the divorce process. This way, you won’t be constantly speaking to friends and family about your issues.

Buy New Towels
This might sound minor, but it has a lot of meaning. Pick up some new towels for your bathroom in your favorite color. It will help begin to revitalize your home and make it feel like your own place.

Go to Outdoor Concerts:
Summer is the season for outdoor concerts. There is nothing more relaxing than spreading a blanket on a lawn and listening to your favorite kind of music. You are also sure to make new friends there.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lois-tarter/divorce-your-divorce_b_3350114.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce-advice

Be Strong: How to Deal With Pain and Hardships in Your Life

Every now and then life throws us in the deep end and tells us to swim. We find ourselves in overwhelming situations that we don’t know how to deal with. It might be the death of a loved one, a personal illness or a case of serious depression. In this post I want to give you a few ways to deal with the pain and hardships that you will encounter in your life. I hope it will inspire you just a little bit.

The inevitability of hardships
The first thing I want to talk about is the fact that pain and hardships are inevitable. No one can escape them. Every single one of us, at some point in our life, will experience pain, suffering and hardships of some form or another.

My goal in saying this is not to depress you. Rather my goal is to inspire you. How is this inspiring you might ask? Well it is simple. Being aware of the fact that you WILL experience suffering is a cause for hope because, unlike many other people, you now have a chance to prepare for it. And people who prepare are never as badly affected as those who don’t.

Suffering, pain and hardships are inevitable. Make sure your preparation for them is also just as inevitable. This is the most important step.
How to deal with pain and hardships in your life

The tips that I am about to give you come from two places, my own personal experience and the experiences of history’s greatest meditation masters. Sometimes it is better to hear some pithy and real tips as opposed to some dry and theoretical ones. I will try, therefore, to keep these as practical as possible.

If you have any other tips to add please leave a comment. The comments are often the best part of this blog and I know that they help a lot of people out there.

Realize that it is your hardships that make you better
Picture this. You are in the center of the Indian desert. You are just out of high school; young, naive and egotistical. You are on a bit of a spiritual journey but at the same time looking for adventure. And then after just arriving in a place miles from anywhere you wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, convulsing and shaking. You are days from a hospital and you are really sick. Things start to look bleak.

That is the situation I found myself in on my first trip to India. I had eaten some poisonous food and for the next three days I lay in bed sick as a dog. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing seemed to help. I started to get quite frightened as I knew I was too sick to travel and there were no doctors around. But then something amazing happened, I was paid a visit by a very lovely Tibetan Lama. He came into my room and said one thing and one thing only. I have never ever forgotten it as it had such a profound impact on my life. He said:

“I am not interested in how much money you have or what family you belong to. I am interested in how you deal with hardships. That is the only thing that matters. That defines your future.”

It is the truest thing anyone has ever said to me about suffering and hardships. It is the hardships that define your character. Everyone is charming and lovely when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming but hardly anyone is compassionate, patient and loving when they are sick, ill or under pressure. How you deal with hardships determines your character.

If you want to learn to deal with pain and hardship you need to realize that you have an amazing opportunity to grow as a person. You can prove to yourself that you are strong. You can show yourself that you have strength of character and will-power. The amazing thing about hardships and pain is that they present you with a rare opportunity to grow into a strong and decent human being.

Realize that pain and hardships won’t last
There is a great truth in this universe that applies to everything. There is no corner of the world that it does not touch, no depth of the ocean that it does not find, no planet in space that it cannot reach. That truth applies to everyone and everything. That truth is impermanence. Nothing lasts.

We have heard it all before. What goes up must come down. What comes together must eventually part. What is composite will soon break. What is accumulated will one day be dispersed. Everything in our universe is impermanent. Nothing can escape it.

As depressing as this sounds it also has an upside. The next time you are going through some pain or hardships you can remind yourself that it won’t last. You can look at everything in history and feel secure in knowing that, no matter how bad things seem now, the problems won’t last forever. What a wonderful thing! Like all things, suffering is also impermanent.

Realize that you are not alone
There is something very powerful about knowing that other people are going through what you are going through. Realizing that you are not alone is an extremely good way to deal with pain and hardships.

Let’s take the example of someone with severe depression. Depression can make you feel pretty alone. In fact, 90% of the time depression makes you feel so isolated and self-orientated that you don’t have a thought about other people for long stretches of time. I was a bit like this in my teen years.

But when you open up to the fact that you are not alone you get a boost of some really powerfulstrength. You get a sense of community, of friendship, of companionship – even if you haven’t met anyone else with the condition. Just knowing that there are other people out there like you can really make you feel good.

The next step in this idea is to realize that thousands of other people have gone through what you are going through and come out the other end. They have made it through and won. They haven’t died, lost hope or given up. They have faced the very same thing as you (whatever it is) and they have come out the other end. Never forget this.

Source: https://www.thedailymind.com/how-to/be-strong-how-to-deal-with-pain-and-hardships-in-your-life/

Every Day Can Be A Starting Point: Make a New Beginning

Every day of your life is a new beginning, not just the first day of the year.

You can make Daily Resolutions, not just New Year Resolutions. Any day is suitable for making them.

Regard every day as the beginning of your new, better, and happier life. Start every day of the year with feelings of happiness and with the anticipation that great and wonderful things are going to happen.

Regardless of your circumstances, begin every day of the year with a smile, hope and expectations. You are not cheating yourself, because this attitude, if you persevere with it, would make you a more positive and happy person.

Every day, restate your goals and your decisions for your new, happy and successful life. At the same time, be open to new ideas and opportunities, and for ways to achieve your goals.
If you look at each day as new beginning, you will feel happier, more energetic and more motivated.

Often, people make New Year Resolutions, but either do nothing to carry them out, or start and then quit. This creates feelings of frustration, unhappiness and failure.

You don’t have just one opportunity to carry out a decision or achieve a goal. If you failed to carry them out, you don’t need to wait for the beginning of the next year. You can make a new resolution every day, and you can start again every day, if you failed in your first, second or even third attempt.

There are no limitations on making new decisions and forming new goals, and there are no limitations on when to begin doing new things. Every day is suitable for making a resolution and a new beginning.

Every day is a new beginning and the start of your new life.
The question is whether you carry through what you decided and promised. This is most important. What’s the use of making decisions and promises, but not following them through?

Do you make New Year Resolutions?

If you do, do you try to carry them out?

If you begin to carry them out, do you persevere until you accomplish them?

It is simple and easy to make New Year Resolutions, or any other decision at any other time of the year. Often, they are made in response to some emotion. However, people quite soon, lose the motivation and enthusiasm, and continue living the same kind of life, without doing anything to improve them.

This is why you need to make resolutions and repeat them every day. It is not enough to state them just once, when the New Year begins. It would be a good idea to write them down on a clean sheet of paper, on the screen of your computer, or on your smartphone, so you can see them, read them, and think about them every day.

You need to repeat your resolutions every day, with belief and faith, and be willing to do whatever it needs to accomplish them, not just repeat the words with your lips. You need to keep expecting success, happiness and health, no matter in what circumstances you live.

This attitude would trigger your subconscious mind to help you and to motivate you.

You might wish there was some kind of magic to carry out your decisions, promises and goals. There is, and it is made of motivation, persistence, willpower and self-discipline. These are the powers that would change your life and make them interesting, happy and fulfilling.

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.”
– Oprah Winfrey

“Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.”
– Marsha Petrie Sue

Source: https://www.successconsciousness.com/blog/goal-setting/every-day-is-a-new-beginning-and-the-start-of-your-new-life/

Resilience: Saying Yes to Life

Maintaining mental health in the face of adversity

Fall seven times, stand up eight. Japanese proverb

The word resilience conjures up many images: a child getting back on her bike after taking a tumble; an Olympian crossing the finish line with a broken leg; an elderly couple flourishing with hope and kindness, despite a lifetime of unthinkable traumas. To the naked eye, resilience involves courage and perseverance. Maybe even some luck. But science paints a picture that is all but straightforward. According to Professor Raffael Kalisch from the German Resilience Center at the University of Mainz, resilience is not a fixed personality trait that one is born with. Nor can it be captured neatly in a brain scan. Rather, it is an outcome of a dynamic process of adaptation. While a lot remains to be discovered about the processes that set in motion our resilience mechanisms, researchers like Kalisch are shedding light on how humans maintain their mental health in the face of adversity. Training resilience, it appears, has a lot to do with self-efficacy (our confidence in our abilities to handle challenges), appraisal style (the way we evaluate situations and events in our lives), and our general attitude towards life.

Here is Dr. Kalisch on resilience.

Stress affects our psychology and biology

“There are many findings indicating that people undergo changes while they are exposed to stress. We don't stay the same - not only psychologically, but also on a molecular level. Sometimes those stress responses are adaptive, and sometimes they are maladaptive. For example, there was a study on US soldiers before and after war deployment. Those who developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after the war showed enhanced expression of genes related to inflammation. But those who didn't develop PTSD, in other words, the resilient ones, had switched on gene networks related to wound-healing. It’s not that resilient people are simply inherently strong or insensitive to stress and thus stay the same after stress. Rather, resilience is a sign of a successful adaptation.”

Resilience can be trained

“While we need to know much more about the processes to really understand the mechanisms of acquiring resilience, you can learn to habitually appraise things from different, more optimistic perspectives. That is, you can learn to avoid overestimating the probability of negative outcomes. You can learn self-efficacy, which means you can appraise challenging situations as challenging - but not as a threat, because you know you can do something about them. Safety learning or extinction learning, for example, is also very important. If you have learned that something is dangerous, you begin to associate those stimuli with your traumatization (e.g. fireworks that sound like war noise). But when you are no longer in that situation, you learn that those stimuli don't predict danger anymore (fireworks are just fireworks). You start to extinguish your fears by learning that the stimuli are now safe. In other words, you exchange negative appraisals by more positive ones. This helps prevent the development of PTSD. This is also what we do in behavioral therapy when working with patients with PTSD. If you are good in identifying periods of safety in your life when you don't have to be stressed, you can avoid wasting your resources and use this time for replenishing them and building your relationships.”

Fine-tune your stress responses

“You need stress responses. They are necessary because they help you survive. But they need to be optimally regulated. If you experience too many unnecessary stress reactions, then your likelihood of getting a stress-related disorder is relatively high. Fine-tune your stress responses to an optimal level. Safety learning and extinction are ways to regulate stress responses, because you restrict your stress responses to those stimuli that are actually predictive of threat. If a stimulus no longer predicts threat, there is no point in being stressed.”

It’s what you make of a situation

“Let’s think about how the stress reaction comes about. You have a stimulus that may or may not be threatening. On the other end, you have the stress response. In between those two events, there is a gap where you can interpret things. It’s always what your mind makes of a situation, not the situation itself. One key to optimal stress responding is in how you appraise situations. For an optimal stress response, try turning down your overly negative appraisals where you overestimate the threat or catastrophize about the negative impact of the stress response itself.”

Be realistic and optimistic

“You need experiences with overcoming challenges to develop a realistic and a mildly optimistic (not negative) appraisal style, i.e. a positive appraisal style. That’s when after going through difficulties, you realize that things turned out a little better than you might have presumed. If, in addition, you have a generally positive outlook in life, a “say-yes-to-life” attitude, going out there and making experiences is probably the best recipe for protection against future hardships.”

One way to learn resilience?

“Live! Experience life. Develop courage and your own perspective, not necessarily following the prescribed ways of your culture, social environment or your past. If you go through life thinking there is no hope, and that things and humans are bad, then that would be difficult. But if you are open-minded, positive and curious, then you can develop your own resilience strategies.”

Look for meaning

“We humans are always in search of meaning. That’s what gives us motivation and something to live for. Meaning transcends us and our own lives. If you have a positive perspective and see meaning in life, then you can view many things that distress others in a positive light. In this way, meaning is like a defense, because it can help you create positive appraisals and to produce stress responses that are optimal.”

Write your own self-help book

“Resilience is something extremely individual. It’s fascinating to talk to people who have gone through very difficult times and have remained positive and mentally healthy. They often did not have a therapist, yet somehow, by themselves, they figured out coping strategies that worked for them. They stayed open to influences from other people, literature and philosophy. Then at the right moment, an idea or an inspiration came into their life, helping them to switch to a new perspective. I think an effective way to develop your own strategies, habits and style of resilience – even more than reading self-help books – is adapting a positive philosophy and going through life with courage and creativity.”

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/between-cultures/201707/resilience-saying-yes-life

5 Negative Ways of Thinking You Need to Stop Today

Whether you’re an entrepreneur, freelancer, in management or climbing up the corporate ladder, by being negative, your worst enemy becomes yourself. Yes, you might have some “enemies” in your life as well, like the rude saleswoman who told you that dress you were trying on looked too young for you. However, it's up to you to deal with those snide comments by not playing them over and over in your head.

Sadly, most people say worse things about themselves, to themselves, than they would ever say about a friend or even a stranger. It's good to pay attention to your interior dialogue so you know when you're feeling negatively, then you can take the steps to fix it. The good news is that you’re in total control of changing how you talk to yourself. Here are some of the most vicious things we do to ourselves, why we do it, and how to stop:

1. Convincing yourself you are worse than you are.

Whether it’s fat, stupid, lazy or any other negative word, it's best to just avoid that line of thinking. First of all, those words turn what should be a verb into a noun. A person, by nature, cannot be fat. Using the “I am” to precursor any negative self-talk makes it that much worse, it makes a person own it, and it reinforces it. Try balancing it with “I feel” and “but” such as “I feel like I’m carrying more weight than is healthy, but I’m also strong.” Then make a plan of action to change if necessary.

2. Deciding you can't do something before you even try.

There are certainly things most people probably can’t do, like become Miss America if they're in their 30s, married and have three kids (they have rules, after all). However, for the most part “I can’t” is really a way of saying “This is hard” or “I feel overwhelmed.” While having a bucket list is fantastic for some, there are many reasons that it’s not a good idea. If you think you can’t do something, try asking yourself first if you really want to do it.

3. Thinking everyone has a life better than you.

Whether it’s getting their PhD, getting married, having kids, traveling or getting promotions, success of others doesn’t take away from your achievements. Everyone has highs and lows. Everyone desires different things and puts various values on different “achievements.” There’s guaranteed to be someone who’s envious of your life (and probably quite a few people). Avoid comparing your life to others and focus on the value of your own journey.

4. Believing you don't have time to reach your goals.

Everyone gets just as many hours in the day as Beyonce. In fact, time is the one equalizer: Everyone has the same amount in a day, and nobody knows when their days will run out. As such, it’s not an excuse not to do what you want to do (but it’s often used as an excuse to not do what you don’t want to do). While Life Hacker gives tips on making it feel like you have more time, the reality is that it’s still the same time, just better spent.

5. Making impossible bargains with yourself.

There are all kinds of bargains and deals we make with ourselves. Sometimes they make sense. For example, “When I save six months’ worth of income by August of this year, I’ll file the license for by business.” That’s smart planning with a feasible goal and end date in mind. However, something like “When I lose 50 pounds, I’ll find true love” is your mantra, it’s time to re-think your goals, what’s important, and your dreams.

How much of your self-talk is helping you, and how much is getting in your own way? Listen closely, and you’ll be surprised by how much sabotage may be happening.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/242941

Why I’m Proud To Be Divorced

Whether it’s meeting new people, spending time with extended family during the holidays, or just having a conversation with my hairdresser, I usually mention my first marriage and subsequent divorce 11 years ago at one point or another.

Why?

Well, I’m not ashamed of it, that’s why. And it just happened to be one of the greatest lessons of my life.

I wear my mistakes like badges. I write about them fervently because time is of the essence. I’m only here on this earth for a limited time and the experiences I’ve lived through have a right to be passed on.

There’s almost always a lesson that I’m learning, even 11 years after my divorce, that’s relevant or useful to other people who I come across in my travels.

It’s not that I can’t let go of the relationship itself - because I have - and I’m actually joyful that the marriage ended after many difficult years. It’s what I took away from the experience that I can’t help but bring up time and time again.

Even today, I am absorbing the total effect that the experience of “failing” at marriage had on me. And on the surface, I did fail — miserably. But it wasn’t for a lack of trying. I gave that relationship my heart and soul and — ultimately — my peace of mind.

I was married at 24 and divorced by 27. Add three years of living together prior to marriage and that’s six years of slugging away at a relationship that was plainly doomed from the start. But I’m not going to hide in the shadows of divorce shame.

I’ve blogged about the experiences of my first marriage, including domestic abuse and drug addiction. At the end of the day, the lessons I learned about myself, the depth of my strength, and my vulnerabilities are absolutely priceless.

I’m proud and excited to talk to other people — especially younger women — about what happened in my first marriage and how I dealt with life after the divorce. Knowing that my prior naivety and suffering can be an “aha moment” for someone who may be in a relationship that’s not working — or even an abusive relationship — is 100% totally and completely worth it.

I often say that I don’t subscribe to regret. What I mean by that is that even though there are things that happened to me or mistakes I made that I’d rather forget, I can’t repress them. Those memories will come back around no matter what, so why not be proactive and turn those difficult experiences into a valuable life lesson that someone else can gain knowledge from?

I’ve said that I love my mistakes. I adore them as if they are my children. But they make me angry sometimes. They remind me of unfortunate choices I made and heartache that once tore me apart. But I’m still going to carry them with me, caring for them and nurturing them until that misery becomes a smile either for myself or someone else.

Everything I am today I owe to my younger, brasher, uninformed, hopeful, kind, and impulsive self. She made me who I am today, sitting here writing about it. She existed and her mistakes existed. I’m not going to erase everything she was just because divorce is — to most people — a failure.

I can say that the younger version of myself tried her hand at love, gave it her all, loved unconditionally, and when all was said and done, she broke through as substantially a stronger mold than she was before.

In my second marriage today, I’m going through experiences that I’ll be able to draw upon several years from now. It’s not so much that hindsight is 20/20 but it’s more like hindsight gives more meaning to past experiences that seemed to be senseless or confusing at the time. Sometimes the painful lessons we learn in the past end up being valuable tools for the future.

Horrible mistakes and experiences are definitely regrettable but that doesn’t mean you have to live a life of regret on a daily basis. Own those mistakes. Make them work for you now.
It’s time.

Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-im-proud-to-be-divorced_b_13359346

The Power of Optimism

Whether you’re determined to achieve a tiny goal or to change your entire life, believing that you can is the first, most important step.

It’s a bit of timeless wisdom perhaps best immortalized by the Star Wars character Yoda, who bestowed it upon a young Luke Skywalker — and by extension, the rest of us: “Do or do not,” Yoda said. “There is no try.”

That message triggered something extraordinary in Luke, of course, empowering him to harness “the Force” and master his own internal resources. But I think many of us have yet to realize how relevant and evergreen the lesson is in our own lives.

Yoda’s quirky syntax notwithstanding, the message here is clear: Our ability to achieve a particular goal hinges mightily on our belief that we can, and on our determination that we will. You either decide to do something and immediately begin doing it, or you don’t.

We love saying that “we’ll try,” as a way of implying that we’re agreeing to work on something. But I think that, far too often, that’s a cop out. “Try” is a state of effort without complete intention and commitment — and so it generally turns out to be little more than a way station on the road to failure.

In my experience, if you’re hopelessly or halfheartedly trying — expending your energy without a powerful sense of connection to a positive outcome — you might as well not try at all.

So why do many of us continue to be stubbornly attached to toiling away in the “try” state? I suspect that part of it is fear of the unknown. We know what it’s like where we are, even if it’s painful and frustrating. We don’t really know what life is going to be like out beyond our next meaningful achievement.

Frankly, it can feel a whole lot safer and more familiar on this side of our excuses for why what we most want in life can’t possibly happen.

I remember a young employee I had years ago. He desperately wanted a shot at success, and he was a hard worker. I coached him and encouraged him. I kept giving him opportunities to grow. But every time he got a shot at a really important endeavor, he put all of his attention on worrying about whether or not he’d be able to pull it off — rather than envisioning his success and focusing on how he’d go about achieving it.

“I’m trying,” he’d say. And there was no doubt that this guy took his efforts seriously. But he stressed about every bad indicator, and saw the shadow of his own self-doubt lurking around every corner. He advertised his worst fears rather than articulating his most inspiring hopes. It diminished his confidence and energy, and scattered his attention. It also pulled down the people around him.

Eventually, this young man moved on to a different job. I hope he achieved something great, but unless he experienced some kind of break-through in his outlook, I suspect he’s still stuck in neutral.

People tend to think that when they are successful, they will feel confident, but I really think it works the other way around. The people who absolutely believe they can do something are the ones who commit themselves so fully that they ultimately can’t help but succeed.
Do confidence and optimism guarantee success in all things? Of course not. But I would argue that they are essential ingredients. It works like this: If you know you will win, you might win. If you think you might win, you will lose.

That said, success is a little like sourdough: If you’re starting from scratch, you’ll need a bit of a colonizing bacterial culture to get the desired reaction started. So if you’ve been struggling to make any meaningful progress on a goal for a long time, or if you are lacking confidence that you’ll ever get there, it’s important to create some “starter successes” that help you amplify your belief that you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Start with one very doable, immediate goal — something you can do today (self-care fundamentals like drinking an extra glass of water, eating some fresh vegetables or getting some activity can be a good place to start). And then, with single-minded focus and complete commitment — right away, so you can’t forget or get distracted — go do it.
Chalk up that success, feel it, and then set another, slightly bigger goal. Continue exercising your success muscles this way, knocking out doable goals daily for a couple of weeks, and soon your entire life will feel different. You will feel different.

Keep in mind that both the feeling of winning and the feeling of losing are totally contagious. Success or failure that begins in one area of your life tends to naturally spill over into other areas. So don’t make the mistake of tolerating a sense of hopeless, halfhearted “try-ing” in any part of your world.

Instead, take Yoda’s advice and simply decide to “do.” You’ll be amazed at the results. And, like Luke, you’ll discover that the Force was with you all along.

Source: https://experiencelife.com/article/the-power-of-optimism/