Good dads -- the real game changer | Dr. Meg Meeker | TEDxTraverseCity

Not directly related to divorce, but certainly an indirect endorsement of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids... in praise of Dads!

How to TRULY be in a Relationship After Divorce Broke Your Heart

You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.

Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.

One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.

So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again. You wonder if it’s possible to find love after divorce.

Questioning whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.

You struggle with how to be in a relationship again. Maybe you simply fear the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:

You’re exactly the same person you were.

Your new love interest is just like your ex.

Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.

And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.

Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)

So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.

Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!

Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.

Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.

So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-truly-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart-wcz/

How To Move On After A Divorce

Don't Get Stuck In A Rut - Here's How To Move On After A Divorce

After sweating your way through proposal planning, asking (what felt like) the most important question of your life, committing your life to another person and building a life together, it can seem surreal when the ‘D’ word comes up in conversation. Even scarier? When divorce becomes the reality of your relationship, ending the marriage and the union that you had hoped would last the rest of your life. Between the financial, emotional and physical impact a divorce has on your wellbeing, health and happiness, considering a future that is full of joy might seem far-fetched and impossible.

While there's no point in sugarcoating it and say it’ll be easy to move on after a divorce, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a touchdown to still be made at the other end of the field. The hard, sad truth is that an estimated 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, meaning that you are definitely not the first person to have to move past a heartache and you certainly won’t be the last.

Here, relationship experts give you their best advice on how to mend your spirit and begin the long road of recovery that hopefully will lead you to an even better romantic match in the years to come:

1. Let Yourself Feel It

Relationship expert, psychologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., says that of all the traumatic experiences a person can go through, getting a divorce is among the most difficult. Not only are you experiencing the great divide of your assets — from your home and your bank accounts to any investments and in some cases, children — but you are also mourning the loss of a partner. Even if your ex was unfaithful to you or in the end, turned out to be more vicious, cold, cruel or vengeful than you could have ever imagined possible; at one time in your life, you thought they were the best person on Earth and letting go of that imagine? Well, it is hard.

And depending on how much time you both spent in negotiations with your respective lawyers and how intense and heated your break-up proceedings went, you may feel exhausted by the time everything is officially signed on the dotted line. “If the couple can mediate on their own then it will still feel like a death of a relationship but without the added trauma of court. Court prolongs the pain and suffering for both parties,” Michael says.
Though leaning in to the discomfort of heartbreak is never an easy task — especially when it is not just letting go of a relationship but a marriage — allowing yourself to truly, fully experience your emotions will ensure that you are not delaying the moving on process. If you ignore those waves of anxiety and depressions, frustration and anger, and pretend like everything's just fine, then you aren’t actually learning from your divorce. If you really struggle with accepting emotions, as many men do, psychologist recommend seeking therapy post-divorce, so a professional can guide you through the tough-to-navigate land of singleness that you haven’t been part of in years, if not, decades. From talk therapy methods where you are asked questions that help you understand your feelings to discovering coping mechanisms that are personal and practical to you, a therapist can identify your road to moving on, without you having to pretend for one minute that you are perfect A-OK, when frankly, you are sad. (And hey, for good reason.)

2. Take Your Time

Want to know, to the calendar date and to the hour, when you're 100%, totally, completely ready to go on your first date post-divorce? As comforting and encouraging as that would be, the time that it takes to be ready to put yourself back into that sea of eligibility will greatly depend on how your marriage ended and how you’ve handled the time afterwards.
As psychologist and love and marriage expert, Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC explains, “The time to move on after a divorce varies from person to person. For many people, the relationship was long over before the divorce was final. For some couples, the divorce was a long and bitter process that left them in bad shape. Depending on where you stood at the end of it all can dramatically change the time you need before meeting new people again.”
No matter if your friends are elbowing you into the bar scene and trying to introduce you to single, attractive women, or your parents are worried about your happiness and just want to see you ‘settled and fulfilled’ — the only person’s opinion that matters is your own. Instead of giving into the pressures or beginning to doubt your attractiveness or date-ability, give yourself a break and take the emotions as they come. Dr. Martinez says that it is much better to wait longer than you thought you’d need before jumping right back into dating post-divorce without taking care of your mental health first and foremost. Only when you are a healed, healthy person can you truly give your best self to the next partner that you decide to take a chance on. After all, ending one relationship only to rush into another one would be a dangerous gamble, given that you haven’t stopped, inhaled and figured out what you really want, and more importantly, what you need, post-divorce.

3. Get Active

Did your father ever tell you as a young teenager when puppy love got the best of you, that the best way to move on is to meet someone else? His words of wisdom might ring loud-and-clear for you right now, but before you move on to another relationship, Dr. Martinez says focusing on other interests, especially physically-active ones, can be a smart way to release your depression and anxiety that your divorce created. When you first go through the court proceedings, the moving details and the emotional windfall, you might feel uninspired to do much of anything, so building up your stamina and your health is a smart way to get the process of moving on started.

“The physical impact of getting a divorce can often go hand-in-hand with sadness and depression. You may not be exercising, you might not be eating in a healthy manner, and you may not be taking care of yourself in the way you normally would,” she explains. “There is a part of you that thinks ‘why bother,’ but the truth of the matter is that all of these activities are only going to help you build their emotional, and physical, health, during a very trying time.”

By joining pickup basketball games or joining a recreational football team, you might also meet other male divorcees that can relate to where you are in your life and help give you advice on what has helped them to move forward. Also, as you see your body continually get stronger and build endurance, you’ll build self-confidence both in your appearance and yourself.

4. Don't Compare Yourself To Your Ex

Post-divorce, it is a good idea to remove your connections to your former partner, especially if you are tied via every social media account, giving you an hour-by-hour update to what’s they're doing and worse, who they might be seeing. Even if you mutually agreed that your marriage had an end-date, accepting that they're getting back into the dating scene and moving on faster than you can be a tough pill to swallow. that is why Dr. Martinez says to remove all temptation of keeping tabs on her and instead, focus on your own road to recovery and love, without making your ex a factor.

This is also important for another big reason: forgiveness. As Dr. Martinez says, if you are constantly in contact with her (or stalking her Instagram) then you do not allow for the space and the disconnect to process your relationship and your divorce. And without forgiving your ex (and yourself, too), you can’t be ready to truly move on in an healthy, impactful way. “You are really only ready to let go and move on when you have fully let go of the previous relationship and you harbor no resentment or ill will. When you have fully closed that chapter and are looking forward to moving on with your life, then you are ready to approach a new possible companionship,” she says.

So you might be ready to grab drinks after work with a new person, but you might not be equipped to commit right away. Dr. Martinez says this just fine — as long as you are honest with yourself and with your matches. “The most important question you should ask yourself is ‘Am I ready to date?’ — and in what capacity,” she says. “Any stage and any answer is fine, just be honest with yourself, and with the person you are considering dating.”

Source: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-move-on-after-a-divorce.html

When Hardship Hits: Ask Not, ‘Why Me ?!’ Ask, ‘Why Not Me?!’

“The sooner you say ‘Yes, it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it,’ the sooner you can get on with your own life.”
— E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News

We all accept, in principal, that life is hard and that “sh*t happens.” We just don’t want it to happen to us. When it does, we protest indignantly, “Why me?!” We harbor an unexamined presumption that misfortune should somehow bypass us. We should be encased in our own individualized iron domes to deflect incoming life assaults.

But why the heck not us? We all agree, in the abstract, that a life devoid of struggle is a life devoid of growth. An old Arabian proverb states: “All sunshine makes the desert.” Think of the people you respect and admire the most in your life: Haven’t they had tough times and life blows to overcome?

The question is not how to avoid life assaults but how to receive them when they hit. The answer lies in how we choose to think about these hardships, because how we think about life events determines how we feel about them, which, in turn, determines how adaptively we cope with them. Only in this way can we control the impact of life’s uncontrollable assaults. Can we accept life’s upheavals and soldier through them (which is not to say to masochistically welcome them!), or must we expend precious energies protesting them as unfair?

One of my dear friends, a source of constant inspiration to me, suffered three profound losses in a single year: her son who was in a grisly factory accident, her beloved dog who was hit by a car, and her husband who dropped dead of a heart attack. She was remarkably courageous in the way she accepted these losses. She was, of course, beset by shocked grief at first, but then proceeded to mourn and honor their lost lives without bitter protest. With gratitude, she spoke of the happiness they each brought into her life; with tender amusement, she recalled their idiosyncrasies. And with robust open-heartedness, she goes on growing and living her life.

In contrast, a patient whom I’ll call “Ellen,” was pathologically locked for two years in mourning the death of her husband. Daily, she railed against God for robbing her of his companionship. She grew embittered and calcified, refusing to grow into the hole he left behind by doing for herself what her husband had always done, e.g., arranging their social life, paying bills, servicing the car. She had seized up like a rusted hinge, immovable in her refusal to accept and adapt to her life’s upheaval. What emerged was that even more powerful than her grief in losing her husband was her fear of having to learn self-reliance after decades of living life as a “we” instead of a “me.” Her pathological mourning and helplessness kept other family members fulfilling the role vacated by her husband — but at the cost of her own growth and her family’s equanimity.

Paradoxically, there is strength and wisdom in submitting to harsh realities. The fact is, we are more productive when we direct all our energies to embracing rather than resisting “what is.” Why? Because when we protest, we squander precious energy needed for coping, like driving with one foot on the brake. When we relax, release and open fully to the realities confronting us, we can be far more creatively resourceful than when we recoil from “what is” with clenched fearfulness. 

We can choose to think flexibly and adaptively, rather than rigidly and maladaptively, by redefining painful life blows as opportunities to evolve. Suffering is what grows the soul. Suffering is the “rock-tumbler” of life, within which the nuggets of our battered selves get polished into our highest and best selves.

“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.
The gem cannot be polished without friction.” — Danish proverb

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-rasmussen/overcoming-hardship_b_2294349.html

Time Management Tips For Real Divorce Recovery

Life is crazy enough without having to deal with divorce recovery. Learn how to make it easier.

When I got divorced in 2002, I thought that after the decree was signed by the judge everything would be better. I'd somehow magically be over all of the pain, fear, anger and disorganization that seemed to have overtaken my life. But, as you've probably guessed, the divorce decree wasn’t quite the magic wand I was hoping for.

It took me more than a year to really get myself feeling good again. There were just so many changes in my life and I didn't have a great way for absorbing all them, given the demands of a life I was already dealing with. I wound up procrastinating instead of doing things. My house was a wreck. I hardly had any food in the kitchen, but that didn't matter because I didn't eat much. My health was deteriorating. I was hardly sleeping. I think I was running on adrenaline, caffeine, sugar and not much else. Bottom line: I was exhausted and falling behind on everything.

I found my way out of the mess divorce created in my life, but it wasn't a simple task. I had to decide what was really important to me. I had to change the way I did things. And I had to change the way I thought about things.

It wasn't until I found my way out of the mess that I was able to look back at where I'd been and realized that there's a big piece of divorce that no one talks about. Real divorce recovery requires that you change how you live your life, that you examine your priorities, and that you do things you might never have done before or you become comfortable with letting some things go. This piece of divorce recovery that no one talks about is what I call The Functional Divorce because how you function and simply just are in the world changes when you get divorced.

One of the most important pieces of The Functional Divorce is developing a time management system that works for you. Yes, time management. When you're going through divorce it's so easy to lose track of time to the rollercoaster ride of unpredictable emotions — shock, denial, grief, anger, loneliness, etc. Heck, the emotional ride is exhausting, but in the midst of all of this turmoil there are certain things that must be done. You've got to continue working, caring for the kids, caring for the pets, caring for your aging parents, and caring for your home to name just a few. On top of all that you've got to deal with the legal process of divorce which is probably unfamiliar to you AND you've got to figure out how to do all of the things that your former spouse used to do. You might now need to deal with car repairs, keeping up with the kids' schedules, making meals, finding a new place to live, selling your home, moving… Your life was full before the divorce and now you've got even more stuff heaped on your overflowing plate of responsibilities and which just adds to your overall sense of exhaustion.

By carefully managing your time, you’ll be able to more easily navigate all the tasks and emotions of divorce, and more quickly achieve real divorce recovery — which means you’ll be able to get on to living the best of your life sooner.

Yes, it's simple to say that time management is one of the necessities of real divorce recovery. But adding one more task, to figure out time management, probably doesn't seem to be exactly what you need right now. So, to help you develop your system, here are the top 5 time management tips for real divorce recovery that I used for myself, and that I teach my clients.

Time management tip #1: Make friends with your timer. One of the realities of divorce is the need to do things you don't want to do, or even feel energetic enough to start. This is where using a timer is one of the best time management tips I can give you. Make an agreement with yourself that you can handle anything for just 15 minutes (or 10 or even 5 if that's all you can handle). Set your timer and then laser focus on getting that one task done. The task can be anything: putting together information your attorney has asked for. It can be allowing yourself to cry. It can even be researching where to buy tires or putting together a grocery list. Giving yourself the gift of this time to focus on just one task at a time is one of the most effective ways to get through your functional divorce and experience real divorce recovery.

Besides getting things done, there are other benefits to using your timer. Setting a timer eliminates the need for you to watch the clock which will allow you to focus completely on your task. As soon as the timer rings, you can then choose to continue working on the task or stop and congratulate yourself for moving things forward. As you make better friends with your timer, an amazing thing starts to happen. You'll start to feel a sense of accomplishment. When you feel better about what you’re getting done, you'll actually start to feel better about yourself too! How's that for a reason to make friends with your timer?

Time management tip #2: It's oh-so-easy to spend time doing things that may not be the most important things to get done. So prioritizing what needs to be done is the second of my best time management tips. One of the ways I'll often teach this tip is by asking people to think about each task on two different scales. The first scale is Urgent vs. Not Urgent. To determine the urgency of a task you can ask yourself questions like: What is the deadline for this task? Is life or limb at risk? The second scale is Important vs. Not Important. To determine the importance of a task you can ask yourself questions like: What impact will completing this task have 10 years from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 year from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 month from now? What impact will completing this task have 1 week from now? What impact will completing this task have one 1 day from now. What impact will completing this task have 1 hour from now?

The key to this method of prioritization is to focus on the tasks that rank highest on both the urgent and important scales first. Using this method for prioritizing all of your tasks might seem daunting at first, but it might also be a great thing to share with your new friend the timer!

Time management tip #3: Just because a task has both a high urgency and is greatly important doesn't necessarily mean that you're the one who should be doing it. The third of my time management tips is Do, Delegate or Dump. If you're the only person that can do the task, then you're stuck with it. It's time to roll up your sleeves, set your timer and get it done. Generally speaking, if the task is something that you can ask someone to do and have confidence that they’ll do it at least 80 percent as effectively as you can do it, or it's something that you just don't have the expertise for, then it's a great candidate for delegating. Some of the tasks that make perfect sense to delegate are drafting your divorce decree, changing the tires on your car, making the kids' beds, and cleaning the house. If the task is something that is lower priority and is both non-urgent and not very important, then it's probably a task that can be dumped and not given another thought.

Time management tip #4: For the tasks that still need to be done either by you or someone else, it's important to be clear about exactly what the task is and expectations. That's why the fourth of my time management tips is to define the details.

Have you ever agreed to do something, completed it to the best of your ability and then been told you've done it all wrong? Or worse, you've counted on someone to do something for you and the result isn’t anything like what you expected? I've been in both of these situations more than once and neither one feels good. What I've learned is that the best way to prevent things like this from happening is to define the details of the task as completely as you can. This is true even for tasks that you assign to yourself because there's a difference between obsessively perfect and perfect for this particular circumstance.

Time management tip #5: This tip could actually be the most important, but I've saved it for last because it often requires tips 1, 2 and 3 to do it well. The fifth of my time management tips is to schedule time every day to take care of you. Although it may not seem to be urgent at first, I assure you that taking care of you is both highly urgent and highly important. Divorce is stressful, demanding and exhausting for most people. In order to get through it and make sure you're functioning at your best, you must take care of you.

Taking care of you doesn’t have to take a lot of time. It can be as little as five minutes (this is where tip #1 comes in handy) where you are just focused on nurturing you. You might take a walk, you might dance to your favorite song, or you just might lock yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes of alone time. Whatever you choose to do, the goal is to take care of yourself so you feel energized enough to get back to the rest of your task list.

My top 5 time management tips for real divorce recovery are just the starting point. They're tips you can test and adapt to work best for you because time management truly is one of the keys to successfully recover from your divorce and get on to living the best of your life.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

• Download a time app for your phone. Using a timer is one of the time management tips that I still use today. I find that it allows me to completely focus on one task without having a nagging fear that I might work on it too long. Or, for those tasks that I just don't really want to do — like doing my bookkeeping — I know that there is a defined stopping point. I’ll bet you’ll like getting to know your timer too!
• Set your timer for 15 minutes and make a list of everything you need to get done along with any due dates. I think you just might be surprised at how much less overwhelmed you will feel once you get all of your tasks written down. The pressure of needing to remember everything is gone and we both know how difficult it can be to remember things when you're already feeling overwhelmed by the divorce.
• Tomorrow, take your list back out, set your timer again for 15 minutes and prioritize your task list. I suggest waiting until tomorrow just in case you had to push really hard to complete the list in the first place. If creating your list wasn't a HUGE task for you to get done, go ahead and prioritize your list now.
• When you're ready, it's time to determine which tasks to do, to delegate and to dump. Again, setting the timer can be extremely helpful in getting this division of the tasks done.
• For the highest priority to do and to delegate tasks, define the details. Doing this will help you figure out how much time to devote to each task and to get a realistic estimate to complete the tasks.
• Take a break and take care of you. I find that one of the best ways to celebrate completing any task is to celebrate. What better celebration than to celebrate you and nurture yourself for a little bit.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/179-time-management-tips-for-real-divorce-recovery

You CAN Be Happy After Divorce (If You Don’t Do These 13 Things)

The key to dealing with divorce is to recognize when you've stumbled and catch yourself before it can happen again.
Happiness doesn’t come without risk.
Devastating. For everyone whose spouse has decided to divorce them, that’s the best description of the experience.

It’s not a place you ever thought you’d be. But here you are – your marriage has failed. You feel like a failure, unlovable, and depressed. These feelings are real and you must acknowledge them, but try not to wallow in them. If you let these emotions rule your world, it will only make you miserable.

The trouble is that these miserable feelings are insidious. They show up in sneaky, unexpected ways. And before you know it, you succumb to undermining thoughts and behaviors. However, you don’t have to stay stuck in the misery.

It’s time to stop:

Feeling sorry for yourself
Say it with me, “no more pity parties!” I get that things aren’t exactly going as you had planned, but to wallow in the hardship and unfairness of it all will not help you cope with your divorce. Instead, be thankful for the good things in your life (yes, there is still good) and begin thinking about your future. Think about how good your life will be a year from now.

Giving away your power
This is a sneaky one because it involves the way we naturally speak. Anytime you say something like “you drive me crazy!” or “you make me so angry,” you’re giving your power away. You aren’t taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make in your life when you alter your speech!

Avoiding change
No matter how you look at it, divorce is all about change. You choose to stay stuck and miserable if you avoid change. The better option is to choose how you will manage the changes you face. Eventually, you may even embrace the changes because you know how to make your life better and better.

Focusing on things you can’t control
This one takes some effort. No matter how much you are hurt by what your ex is or isn’t doing, the more time you spend worrying, complaining or hoping for them to change the more miserable you’re going to feel. You need to put that energy into making your life and situation better because the only person you can control is you.

Worrying about pleasing everyone else
People get hurt in divorce. Unfulfilled dreams and expectations cause anguish. There’s no way you can please everyone with how things turn out. The best you can do is take care of adhering to your values and make the best choices you can. You’re the one that has to live with the consequences of your decisions, not anyone else, so do what’s right for you (and your kids).

Being afraid of taking risks
The end of your marriage propels you into unfamiliar territory. The only way you’re going to find your way back to feeling normal and happy again is to take a few risks. You don’t have to take wild and crazy risks. Calculated ones are just fine.

Dwelling on the past
Now, this is a biggie because it’s confusing – to grieve over what was is a necessary part of healing from divorce but to focus only on the losses and not allow yourself to see the beauty of the present and the potential of the future doesn’t work. Try to have hope that in the future, you’ll most quickly find your way through the pain of your divorce.

Repeating your mistakes
If there’s one thing that’s most helpful in dealing with your divorce, it’s to learn what you need to and make the necessary changes so you won’t find yourself in the same situation again. Spend some time fixing your picker and learning what makes a relationship work before you get into your next one.

Resenting your ex
Don’t make the mistake of spending your time, talents, and energy being resentful of your ex’s ability to move on without you. Take all that effort and put it to use making your life better and you will see a positive change!

Giving up
You’ll probably have a strong need to hide as you work through your divorce. It’s OK for a little while, but not forever. You still have lots of life to live (no matter what your age is).

Fearing “alone time”
Being alone after divorce is gut-wrenching. You may have been alone at times during your marriage, but this is different. Being OK with being alone with your thoughts is one of the hallmarks of successfully dealing with your divorce.

Feeling your ex owes your something
No matter how much you’re suffering or how much you really want to understand why your ex chose to divorce you, they don’t owe you anything besides what your divorce settlement details. Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s true. The sooner you come to terms with this, the faster you’ll be able to move on from the end of your marriage.

Expecting immediate results
Unfortunately, dealing with divorce is a process. There’s no magic wand or fairy godmother who will magically make things all better for you. You will make it past your divorce. Be patient with your progress as you work through everything along the way to feeling normal and happy again.

It’s so easy to fall prey to these 13 thoughts and behaviors before you even realize you’ve done it because they’re just how we naturally are. But the key to dealing with divorce is to recognize when you’ve stumbled and catch yourself before it can happen again.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/332241-cmtt/

Parenting would be so much easier if my husband and I got divorced

“I think we should get a divorce,” I said, as I thought about what it would be like to sit for more than 30 seconds without listening to a mini-tyrant shouting demands.

“What?” my husband replied, while wrestling a shirt onto our son. Confusion, possibly laced with irritation, settled in the wrinkles near the middle of his forehead.

“A divorce. It would guarantee a break for both of us at least every other weekend. Or more. Think about it.”

“You’re crazy.”

Maybe, but I wasn’t entirely joking. My divorced friends have more time to themselves now than they ever did while married. They have a contractual, court-ordered decree that guarantees them four days (or more) every month without children … or a spouse. It sounds like some sort of Tahitian getaway. Where do I sign up?

I love my kids, but raising two spirited children under the age of 5 leaves very little downtime. I’m on my feet the second they open their eyes and for the 15 hours that follow. Grappling matches over everything from who owns a broken Dory toy to who gets the sliver of crust from my turkey sandwich are hourly occurrences.

Divorce would give me at least a day or two to sleep in, clear my head and recover from the parenting marathon I run most days. There would no objections or surprises, because I’d have an official paper that states: “It’s your turn. I’m off this weekend.”

Even when my husband and I are both home, it’s exhausting. They say it takes a village, but at our house, it takes a tag team jacked up on Red Bull and 12 shots of espresso. Even those wear off before the kids wear down, and at 7 p.m. — the period we call “the storm before the calm” — both kids catch a second wind and turn the marathon into a sprint. We put on happy faces, but at that point, we’re both running on fumes.

My husband doesn’t work a typical 40-hour schedule. It’s not unusual for him to leave at 7:30 a.m. and arrive home well after the kids have gone to bed. In many ways, I’m like a single parent. On the days he is home, there’s life to catch up on: yard work, bills, grocery shopping, excursions with the kids. We don’t have time for ourselves, together or alone.
We also don’t have family nearby who can bail us out or fill in on the occasional date night. Given that our kids are a handful, we don’t trust a random babysitter. If they push us to the brink of throwing on some sneakers and taking off like Forrest Gump, imagine someone who is not bonded by blood, or love, watching them for a few hours. The risk is not worth the reward.

Our options are limited, and divorce seems to have some benefits. And I’m not being silly or selfish.

According to a study published in the journal Demography, happiness has a scientific correlation with being a parent. The study revealed that before having kids and during pregnancy, people were pretty darn happy. After? Not so much. Parenthood surpassed other major life events, such as divorce and unemployment, in causing drops on the happiness scale. Maybe if more parents had a chance to catch their breath, the real smiles would return. I can vouch for that.

Research also shows that divorce is not all that devastating for most children. Sure, it comes with some consequences and a huge adjustment period, but overall, kids bounce back. A 20-year study conducted by psychologist Constance Ahrons, and published in her book “We’re Still Family,” showed that about 80 percent of children of divorce adapt well and have no lasting negative effects on their grades, social lives or mental health.
Child-development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb analyzed thousands of studies conducted over the past four decades. He concluded that children do well when their parents or caregivers get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.

So where does that leave parents, like me, who are in desperate need of a break? Ending the marriage could be the answer. Debunking the long-standing belief that divorce does not make people happier, a recent study suggests that while it can be difficult, it’s well worth it for some individuals.

While I’m desperate for a little me time, I don’t think I’m one of those people. Despite feeling somewhat envious of happy divorcées, I’m committed to my husband and children. I don’t need a divorce; I need a break. And there are better ways to get some time alone. (If only the bedroom closet offered room service.)

A few days ago, my husband asked, “Were you serious about getting a divorce?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders as the kids spun around my feet.

While I’ve toyed with the idea of the every-other-weekend divorce vacation, I’m married for the long haul. I owe it to myself, my husband and the kids. But on the off chance that I decide to don sneakers and long, rogue chin hairs, I won’t be trekking across the country. If I run away, I’m heading for Tahiti.

Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/03/02/parenting-would-be-so-much-easier-if-my-husband-and-i-got-divorced/?utm_term=.5cae95711b3d

How To Deal With The Awful Stuff People Say When You’re Getting Divorced

You can’t control what people say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.

You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.

And sometimes you’re lucky, and people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.

Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:

“Just get over your divorce already!” – a helping professional, a friend, and a family member

“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” – a friend

“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” – a friend AND a family member

“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” – a parent

“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” – a friend

What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is WHO is saying it.

It’s your family. It’s your friends. And it can even be the helping professional you’ve turned to for help.

So on top of the dismantling of your marriage, all the legalities of getting divorced, needing to redefine your relationship with your ex, learning how to co-parent, helping your kids deal with the divorce, and everything else that you’ve got to do to rebuild your life after divorce, you’ve also got to deal with the betrayal of these people you thought you could turn to.

This is exactly when you start to wonder who you can still trust.

Getting divorced is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever experience. And yet it can also be one of the most important turning points in your life.

If you know how to deal with the BS that others throw in your direction, you’ll come out of your divorce stronger than ever. And the strength you build now will make your post-divorce life amazing.

So how do you deal with the shit? You keep a few important points in mind.

If they’ve never been divorced, don’t expect them to have anything important to say to you about yours.

Most people who have never been divorced only have TV, magazines and the movies as reference for what getting divorced is like. They have ZERO idea of how long it takes to get over a divorce or how painful it is. So don’t let them take up any of your precious emotional energy or thought with their opinions because they’re ignorant when it comes to divorce.

Just as you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to help you figure out what all the red spots are on your child’s chest, don’t expect your family, friends or maybe even your therapist, clergy or other helping professional who’s never been divorced to be capable of providing helpful opinions about your situation.

Most people are chicken shits.

They aren’t able to have the honest conversations you need right now because it would make them feel uncomfortable.

People will project their limitations and life experience on you.

We all see the world through our own eyes and very few of us can truly step into another person’s shoes to see life through their eyes. The result is that most people will ASSume (yes, I do mean this to imply that they’re making as ass of themselves) that what’s true for them is true for you too.

They may be weak and uninformed, but that doesn’t mean you are. In fact, it takes an incredibly strong and determined person to get through divorce – a person just like you.
Just because you now understand why they’re saying the BS, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

You definitely shouldn’t just accept what they have to say.

One way you can turn their stupidity around is to use it to build a stronger sense of self. And the way you do that is by becoming completely aware of what you’re feeling as a result of their insensitivity.

Then name those feelings. You can either call the emotions what they are, or something more creative, like George, Ringo, Paul and John. Whatever works for you.

Once you know what the emotions are and can name them, you’ll be able to choose how you experience them – because you’re not simply feeling them any more.

This power of choice is incredible.

You might choose to continue experiencing the emotions as you have been, or you might choose to experience something else entirely. It’s by deliberately choosing your experience that you strengthen your sense of self.

You can best deal with other people’s fear of being honest be being honest yourself.
Tell them exactly what you think and feel. You don’t need to attack them, but articulating exactly how what they’re saying impacts you will make you feel much more powerful, and you’ll no longer be a victim of their words.

When people tell you that you can’t do something, you can use their negativity as fuel to prove them wrong. You know what you’re really capable of. They don’t. They may be weak, but that definitely doesn’t mean that you are.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we could take back.

The problem is that when other people are way too human when you’re getting divorced, it hurts worse than it might at other times, because you’re already battling a whole lot.
By keeping these ideas in mind, you’ll emerge from the chaos and uncertainty of your divorce a stronger and more confident person – because you’ll have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU can trust YOU.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-deal-with-the-sht-people-say-when-youre-getting-divorced-wcz/

The 7 Lessons Life Will Teach You

An education is an esteemed commodity in our society. Rightfully so, school will teach you the history of humankind, make you a master of your field, and qualify you for work in the real world. Without a proper education, one often finds their success impeded and opportunities lacking.

But the education that school can offer fails in comparison with the knowledge that lifeforces upon us. Purposefully, life ushers us into battles that nearly destroy us... merely to fortify our strength. It knocks us down more times than we can count, if only to demonstrate our resilience to stand back up. It bends us to our breaking point to foster inner endurance and flexibility. My father used to say, “The star that fights the most shines the most.” Reminiscent of his words is the ageless truth that we must face our challenges to shine with the bold light of our authentic being. We will struggle, yes, but it is through our struggles that we will radiate ever more brilliantly.

Indeed, we will meet inevitable roadblocks as we stride along our journey. Like the multiple subjects taught in a classroom, life will instill in us seven central keys of knowledge. To pass these seven tests is to evolve from one phase of being to the next, to be promoted to a higher proverbial grade. Reflect on my seven lessons and understand how they uniquely apply to your life to conquer your challenges:

1. The lesson of give and take.

Nothing is taken from you without compensation. This means that your losses will always be atoned in one form or another. Appreciation follows loss. After all, we don’t know what we have until it’s gone, right? But also subsequent to loss is gain through different means. All you have to do is search for the window that is open once a door has closed.

2. The lesson of time and patience.

Time can be our best friend or our biggest enemy. In periods of pain, time seems to trickle by. But when we are content, hours fly by like seconds. Timing is everything, and everything in time. The interconnectedness of time and patience becomes evident when we are suffering: we want something to happen right now. Yet time drives us to develop patience, a virtue that can shift our mindset and truly bring time on our side.

3. The lesson of pain and fear.

These two emotions do not exempt anyone from their harsh lesson. They also don’t play favorites. It may be under different guises and at different intervals, but we all experience fear and pain. Pain is not to be avoided. We must work with our pain — study it, comprehend it and embrace it. Yet fear is to be avoided by all means. What we fear we draw to life, and in this way we unknowingly choose to manifest our fears instead of our possibilities. Do not be afraid to experience pain. Embrace its purpose and meaning as necessary to cultivating self-awareness. But do abandon the accompanying fear with no remorse.

4. The lesson of life purpose.

We all have a life purpose but many of us either haven’t discovered it or haven’t enacted our true calling. When we act on our talents, inherent abilities and natural likings, we notice that success comes more easily. In this way we also attach love to what we do. Then, we no longer regard work as a job but as a calling. This lesson reminds us that we have a real reason to be here that must satisfy both our life purpose and provide financial security. Integrate your vocation into what you do, whether it’s as a full-time or part-time job, volunteer work or even as a hobby you practice each day.

5. The lesson of relationships.

Relationships are our link to the outside world. More complexly, they are a reflection of our innermost issues, desires and shortcomings. In a most ironic way, relationships both play on and supplement what we lack. Your partner is meant to be the missing piece to you, but he or she will also force you to work on the pieces missing inside. By meeting the challenge of relationships, we can enjoy healthy, loving connections with those around us and, most importantly, with ourselves. We can transform ourselves by resolving the personal problems we see playing out in our relationships. Begin by acknowledging the recurring issues you experience with others, then work within.

6. The lesson of stability and change.

Stability and change must fluctuate in a fair balance. We cannot constantly endure periods of change yet stability emerges from these unpleasant shifts. Never an easy task, we are nudged out of our comfort zone by unexpected change. The key to coping with change is understanding that your comfort zone is not a set of outside circumstances but a golden place within you. Know also that change in itself is transitory, temporary, and only leads to new solid ground.

7. The lesson of progress.

The sum of all lessons, the lesson of progress teaches us that — simply put — life goes on. We may emerge hurt from our trials, but our scars act as tough, resistant guards against future damage. Progress is made when we learn from prior mistakes and exercise new actions that yield different results. If we act differently than we have in the past, genuine progress can be made. And the direction in which we progress is based solely on our decisions.

Far superior to a formal education, life is our greatest teacher, sending us down winding paths to help us gain a profound awareness of our potential. We may be tested, but by recognizing the truth of our tests and applying necessary wisdom, we can triumph over every one of life’s challenges.

To overcoming your challenges,
Dr. Carmen Harra

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/life-lessons_b_4565405.html

5 Negative Ways of Thinking You Need to Stop Today

Whether you’re an entrepreneur, freelancer, in management or climbing up the corporate ladder, by being negative, your worst enemy becomes yourself. Yes, you might have some “enemies” in your life as well, like the rude saleswoman who told you that dress you were trying on looked too young for you. However, it's up to you to deal with those snide comments by not playing them over and over in your head.

Sadly, most people say worse things about themselves, to themselves, than they would ever say about a friend or even a stranger. It's good to pay attention to your interior dialogue so you know when you're feeling negatively, then you can take the steps to fix it. The good news is that you’re in total control of changing how you talk to yourself. Here are some of the most vicious things we do to ourselves, why we do it, and how to stop:

1. Convincing yourself you are worse than you are.

Whether it’s fat, stupid, lazy or any other negative word, it's best to just avoid that line of thinking. First of all, those words turn what should be a verb into a noun. A person, by nature, cannot be fat. Using the “I am” to precursor any negative self-talk makes it that much worse, it makes a person own it, and it reinforces it. Try balancing it with “I feel” and “but” such as “I feel like I’m carrying more weight than is healthy, but I’m also strong.” Then make a plan of action to change if necessary.

2. Deciding you can't do something before you even try.

There are certainly things most people probably can’t do, like become Miss America if they're in their 30s, married and have three kids (they have rules, after all). However, for the most part “I can’t” is really a way of saying “This is hard” or “I feel overwhelmed.” While having a bucket list is fantastic for some, there are many reasons that it’s not a good idea. If you think you can’t do something, try asking yourself first if you really want to do it.

3. Thinking everyone has a life better than you.

Whether it’s getting their PhD, getting married, having kids, traveling or getting promotions, success of others doesn’t take away from your achievements. Everyone has highs and lows. Everyone desires different things and puts various values on different “achievements.” There’s guaranteed to be someone who’s envious of your life (and probably quite a few people). Avoid comparing your life to others and focus on the value of your own journey.

4. Believing you don't have time to reach your goals.

Everyone gets just as many hours in the day as Beyonce. In fact, time is the one equalizer: Everyone has the same amount in a day, and nobody knows when their days will run out. As such, it’s not an excuse not to do what you want to do (but it’s often used as an excuse to not do what you don’t want to do). While Life Hacker gives tips on making it feel like you have more time, the reality is that it’s still the same time, just better spent.

5. Making impossible bargains with yourself.

There are all kinds of bargains and deals we make with ourselves. Sometimes they make sense. For example, “When I save six months’ worth of income by August of this year, I’ll file the license for by business.” That’s smart planning with a feasible goal and end date in mind. However, something like “When I lose 50 pounds, I’ll find true love” is your mantra, it’s time to re-think your goals, what’s important, and your dreams.

How much of your self-talk is helping you, and how much is getting in your own way? Listen closely, and you’ll be surprised by how much sabotage may be happening.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/242941

The 5 Best Ways to Build Resiliency

Why do some people bounce back from adversity and misfortune? Why do others fall apart? Find out which character strengths make all the difference — and how you can develop them yourself.

Victoria Ruvolo was driving home from a niece’s piano recital one wintery evening in 2004 when a large object smashed through her windshield, hitting with such force that it broke every bone in her face. The object turned out to be a frozen turkey. The thrower: a teenage boy named Ryan Cushing, out for a joyride with friends in a stolen car. Ruvolo’s passenger managed to grab the steering wheel, push Ruvolo’s foot off the gas pedal and steer them onto the shoulder. After being rushed to the hospital, Ruvolo remained in an induced coma for two weeks.

When it was safe to operate, the doctors began painstakingly putting Ruvolo back together. The then-44-year-old office manager from Long Island was left with three titanium plates in her left cheek, one plate in her right cheek, and a screen holding her left eye in place. Her family was told that she might have permanent brain damage and was unlikely to be capable of living on her own.

But that wasn’t a prediction Ruvolo was ready to accept. She had survived tragedies before. Two of her brothers died in separate incidents when she was a teenager. At age 35 she miscarried a much-longed-for child. Somehow, she had found the strength to come through those losses, and she was determined that she would make it through this one, too.
With a devastated face, and a questionable future ahead of her, Ruvolo had plenty of good reasons to sink into anger and depression. But she didn’t. Instead, even as she was still undergoing a series of reconstructive surgeries, she told herself, “This moping isn’t going to get me anywhere.” And she turned her focus to learning more about Ryan Cushing, the boy responsible for her ordeal. What could she learn about him that would help her understand the accident?

Ruvolo discovered that Cushing was in the midst of his own turmoil: His father had just left his mother for another woman. He had serious vision problems that left him unable to play sports or drive a car. Months later, when Ruvolo went to the troubled boy’s sentencing, she mystified many by working with the district attorney’s office to encourage a lenient sentence.
“I just couldn’t see how locking him up for 25 years was really going to help him,” says Ruvolo. The judge agreed, and Cushing was sentenced to six months in jail and five years of probation. Ruvolo’s empathy toward Cushing wasn’t the only surprising post-incident event: Contrary to her grim prognosis, she was back at work within eight months, living on her own, and speaking regularly to at-risk youths about ways to improve their lives.
Looking back, Ruvolo realizes she showed similar resiliency after her brothers’ deaths and her miscarriage. But where does this kind of resiliency come from? And why don’t more of us have it? That is a question that has kept researchers busy for decades. Why is it, they’ve wondered, that some people seem to bounce back from traumas with relative ease — even thriving after negative events — while others crack and crumble?

The answers are compelling. In his best-selling book, The Resiliency Advantage (Berrett-Koehler, 2005), the late Al Siebert, PhD, writes that “highly resilient people are flexible, adapt to new circumstances quickly, and thrive in constant change. Most important, they expect to bounce back and feel confident that they will. They have a knack for creating good luck out of circumstances that many others see as bad luck.”

Siebert also notes that resilient people are adept at seeing things from another person’s point of view — just as Ruvolo was able to do with Cushing. When we empathize with others, we feel less alone and less entrenched in pain. As a result, we recover faster.

Psychologists agree that some people seem to be born with more resilience than others. But they also assert that it’s possible for all of us to cultivate more of it. One key is adjusting how we think about adversity.

A long-term study of 99 Harvard men showed that the way people view negative life events (as fixed and unchangeable vs. temporary and subject to influence) predicted their physical health five — and even 35 — years later. But a boost to physical health isn’t this mindset’s only upside. Darcy Smith, PhD, a clinical social worker in Manhattan, explains: “Resilience refers to our capacity to deal with discomfort and adversity, but it’s not just a reactive skill set. The same characteristics that make us resilient are traits that enrich our lives.”
Want to bolster your own inherent resilience? Here, according to top researchers, are the five most powerful ways to go about it.

NO. 1: PUMP UP YOUR POSITIVITY

“In our research program, we found that the daily repertoire of emotions of people who are highly resilient is remarkably different from those who are not,” says Barbara Fredrickson, PhD, the author of Positivity (Crown Archetype, 2009).

Resilient people are characterized by an ability to experience both negative and positive emotions even in difficult or painful situations, she says. They mourn losses and endure frustrations, but they also find redeeming potential or value in most challenges.

When not-so-resilient people face difficulties, Fredrickson notes, all of their emotions turn negative. If things are good, they feel good, but if things are bad, they feel horrid.

Resilient people, on the other hand, tend to find some silver lining in even the worst of circumstances. While they certainly see and acknowledge the bad, Fredrickson says, “they’ll find a way to also see the good. They’ll say, ‘Well at least I didn’t havethis other problem.’”
She notes that this is different than succumbing to Pollyanna-ish denial. “The resilient person isn’t papering over the negative emotions, but instead letting them sit side by side with other feelings. So at the same time they’re feeling ‘I’m sad about that,’ they’re also prone to thinking, ‘but I’m grateful about this.’”

But what if this sort of well-balanced emotional response doesn’t come naturally to you? You can change that, says Fredrickson. But it will mean challenging your reflexive thoughts, and your self-talk.

“Thinking patterns trigger emotional patterns,” she explains. “So to change emotional patterns, sometimes what we need to do is curtail our negative thinking and stoke our positive thinking.

“Say you find yourself ruminating on negative thoughts,” she says. “For instance:I’ll never succeed in my career. Ask yourself, ‘What’s the evidence that I’ll never succeed?’ You might say, ‘Well, there’s this history of success and this history of failure.’ How does that add up to never? It’s a matter of getting really literal about the kinds of blanket statements we have in our self-talk.”

Because of built-in survival mechanisms, our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones. But in reality, we experience positive events with much greater frequency. One key to building resiliency, says Fredrickson, lies in noticing and appreciating those positive experiences whenever and wherever they occur.
“What matters most is your positivity ratio,” she says. That ratio is a product of how you characterize the balance of positive and negative experiences in your daily life. Fredrickson’s research suggests that, at minimum, we need a 3-to-1 ratio of positive to negative experiences not just to build resilience, but also to thrive, be optimally productive and enjoy our lives.

“This means that for every heart-wrenching negative emotional experience you endure, you have to experience at least three heartfelt positive emotional experiences that uplift you. Three to one appears to be the tipping point, predicting whether people languish or flourish.

NO 2: LIVE TO LEARN

The more you can leverage challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve, the more resilient you are likely to be. “Pain comes to all of us in life,” says David Sabine, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Wichita Falls, Texas. “What I see resilient people do is immediately look at the problem and say, ‘What’s the solution to that? What is this trying to teach me?’ Looking at pain as an opportunity to learn and problem-solve — and building the confidence and the habit of moving toward the pain instead of running from it — goes a long way in terms of building resiliency.”

Nancy Gruskin is an excellent example. In the spring of 2009, her husband, Stuart, was crossing a one-way, Midtown Manhattan street when he was struck by a bicyclist riding the wrong way. Stuart sustained a serious head injury in the accident. Three days later, he died. He was just 50 years old and the father of then-12-year-old twins.

For weeks Gruskin remained in an emotional fog, and understandably so. After a newspaper story was published about her experience, she received a flood of calls, emails and letters from people who’d been in similar, though less severe, situations. Hearing their stories ignited Gruskin to learn more about the issue. Diving into it gave her a sense of purpose and helped transform her pain. Eventually, it even empowered her to affect broad positive change: She partnered with Hunter College and started a foundation bearing her husband’s name that’s dedicated to developing safety awareness for pedestrians in urban areas. As a result of their hard work, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg signed a law into effect last February that requires the city to collect and keep data about bicycle-pedestrian accidents.

One strategy for cultivating a learner mindset is to use “question thinking,” a method of problem solving developed by psychotherapist and executive coach Marilee Adams, PhD. Question thinking encourages people to approach challenges and situations with “Learner Questions” — neutral, nonjudgmental questions such as “What is useful here?” or “What are my available choices?” — as opposed to “Judger Questions” like “What’s wrong?” or “Who’s to blame?”

Learner questions are empowering, and they promote more expansive thinking and acceptance. They also improve how you relate to others, and creating meaningful connections with others is yet another essential component of resilience. (For more on question thinking, read “Lines of Inquiry.”)

NO. 3: OPEN YOUR HEART

Being of service to others is a powerful way of stoking resilience. “In studies, researchers found that serotonin [the neurotransmitter associated with feelings of happiness and well-being] is used more efficiently by people who have just engaged in an act of kindness,” says Sabine.

Acts of kindness, and the serotonin boosts that accompany them, have a cumulative effect. “Once you’ve added these things to your life in a consistent way, the benefits become exponential, so that in times of difficulty you’ve got this well of resiliency to draw upon,” says Sabine.

Acts of kindness can be formally organized, like regularly volunteering in a soup kitchen. Or, Sabine says, they can be “as simple as getting out there and finding people to smile at or speak an encouraging word to.”

It’s worth noting, though, that receiving and appreciating kindness from others may be just as important as offering it up, because gratitude turns out to be an important part of resiliency, according to clinical social worker Darcy Smith.
When adversity strikes, gratitude for the things that are going right in your life helps put tragedy in perspective. “I often recommend that people start a 30-day gratitude journal,” she says. “Or get a few of your friends together and start a gratitude blog. I did that about a year ago. Every day we each blog about three things we’re grateful for.”

Another strategy for building gratitude comes from Fredrickson. Called “un-adapting,” it involves consciously drawing attention to the positive things in your life that you may have started taking for granted.

“Our emotions typically respond to dramatic changes, but a lot of good things — a roof over your head, the ability to feed your children, a career you enjoy — are stable. As a result, they fade into the background. So what you can do is deliberately draw your attention to them.”

She cites a study in which researchers asked married couples to “un-adapt” by thinking of how they might not have met (if one had decided not to go to the grocery store that day or had turned down the blind date, for example). “Then the researchers compared the couples who imagined not meeting to a group of couples who instead were asked to tell the story of how they did meet,” continues Fredrickson. “Later, when quizzed about their satisfaction in the marriage, the people who thought about how they might not have met reported more satisfaction. Without un-adapting, the couples might have thought, ‘Well of course we met, we were destined to be together,’ which is a recipe for taking each other for granted.”
According to Fredrickson, when you take stock of how things might have beenotherwise, instead of just how they are, you’re using strategic positive thinking to increase gratitude, which then builds resiliency.

NO. 4: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Good health — and a regular routine of healthy habits — are foundational to both mental and emotional resilience.

Just prior to the accident that crushed the bones in her face, Ruvolo had lost 60 excess pounds and substantially improved her fitness. “I was in the best physical condition I could possibly be in. I was all muscle,” she says. After she healed, doctors told Ruvolo that her excellent physical condition had certainly played a role in her almost-miraculous recuperation.

Daily habits count: When you’re caught up on sleep, eating well and keeping stress levels low, you’ll be less fragile and less likely to fall into unhealthy patterns following a serious setback or tragedy.

But our physical resilience also depends heavily on our baseline mental and emotional well-being. And one of the best ways to nurture that, says Carol Orsborn, PhD, author of The Art of Resilience: 100 Paths to Wisdom and Strength in an Uncertain World (Three Rivers Press, 1997), is to take regular mental breaks: “It could be something as formal as a regular meditation practice,” she says, “or it could simply be letting yourself daydream.”

Research shows that our brains are surprisingly active in moments when we appear to be doing little. PET and MRI images of the brain “at rest” show that, in fact, there is significant activity in the brain regions associated with decision-making, memories and the processing of emotionally significant events.

When active, this “default network,” uses up to 30 percent more caloric energy than other parts of the brain. Researchers surmise that energy is being used to process all the experiences and information we’ve taken in, and to develop new synaptic connections. In turn, those synaptic networks improve our ability to solve and respond to problems.
Mental breaks and relaxation also help keep stress chemicals at bay, reducing the likelihood of feeling, or becoming, overwhelmed and reactive.
Two other key self-care factors that help nurture resilience: Spending time outdoors and surrounding yourself with people you enjoy.

Research suggests that spending just 20 minutes outside in nice weather leads to “more expansive and open thinking,” writes Fredrickson — a pro-resiliency mindset. Other studies have shown that time in nature helps combat anxiety and depression, improves immunity, and lowers levels of inflammatory chemicals in the body.
A similarly convincing body of research shows that strong social connections increase our resilience in the face of illness. One 2006 study of nearly 3,000 nurses with breast cancer found that those with 10 or more friends were four times more likely to survive the disease than the nurses without close friends.

NO. 5: HANG ON TO HUMOR

There’s a reason that the late Norman Cousins relied on Marx Brothers comedies as a primary treatment for his debilitating illness. It’s the same reason that some version of “gallows humor” and “comic relief” have probably been with us since the beginning of time: Laughing in the face of adversity can be profoundly pain relieving, for both the body and mind.

“Playful humor enhances survival for many reasons,” writes resiliency authority Al Siebert in The Survivor Personality (Perigee Books, 2010). For one thing, he notes, “Laughing reduces tension to more moderate levels.” And psychologically, choosing levity can be incredibly empowering. “Playing with a situation makes a person more powerful than sheer determination [does],” Siebert explains. “The person who toys with the situation creates an inner feeling of ‘This is my plaything; I am bigger than it . . . I won’t let it scare me.’”

Ruvolo credits a sense of humor with helping her rebound as well. And she thanks her mother for that: “My mom was big on laughter,” Ruvolo says. “She always said that you have to keep laughing. My mother lost two sons, and yes, she had a few problems, but she always laughed and she always told jokes. I truly believe that helps you to understand and to get through.”

Case in point: Ruvolo speaks once a month to troubled teens in a conflict resolution program. Toward the end of each session, she makes a joke about the frozen turkey that came through her windshield on a winter’s night and nearly killed her. “I tell the kids that now for the rest of my life I have to be known as the Turkey Lady. Thank God it was a turkey, and not a ham, because I would have been known as Miss Piggy.”

Source: https://experiencelife.com/article/the-5-best-ways-to-build-resiliency/