Good dads -- the real game changer | Dr. Meg Meeker | TEDxTraverseCity

Not directly related to divorce, but certainly an indirect endorsement of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids... in praise of Dads!

I'm Divorcing: 5 Tips for Coordinating Family Vacations With Your Ex

With summer just around the corner, many families are looking forward to annual family vacations. A lot of effort and money goes into vacation planning. For divorcing or divorced parents, the possibility of a former spouse interfering with a planned vacation becomes yet another logistic to consider. Here are five tips for pleasant vacation planning.

Before you sign the custody agreement:

1. Set out clear holiday and vacation rules

People often spend months negotiating a fair child custody agreement, and some even resort to court-ordered custody agreements. Such custody orders typically include vacation and holiday time for both parents. But unless holiday and vacation rules are laid out clearly, planning a getaway with the kids can become a point of contention.

2. Clarify which weeks belong to each parent

Sometimes, like during spring break or Labor Day weekend, both parents may want to travel with the kids at the same time. Avoid this type of conflict by spelling out in a court order which weeks each party gets to spend with the kids. If you can’t sort out exact timing during the divorce, then at a minimum, include a provision in the custody order whereby one party gets its choice of vacation weeks in even years and the other party gets its choice in odd years.

3. Don’t agree to restricted travel

Parties can also agree, or a court may order, to restrict the right to travel with children beyond a certain mileage radius, outside a particular geographical area or outside the country. Some parents agree to these restrictions rather than fight them, but this is shortsighted.

Even if a party has no immediate plans to travel a significant distance, and even if both parties are unconcerned about the other party traveling long distances with the children, they need to consider that, in the future, traveling a greater distance may become important. At that point, they will not want to go back to court to modify an order to allow unrestricted travel.

When planning a vacation

4. Sign and notarize a travel consent form

Many people do not realize that the non-traveling parent can prevent the traveling parent from leaving the country with the children, dashing all hopes of that exotic Caribbean vacation. In order for children to be taken out of the country, not only do they need valid passports, but both custodial parties need to provide authorization. This often requires signing a parental consent form in the presence of a notary.

5. Require detailed travel and contact information

When traveling with children, even domestically, it’s helpful if the custody order stipulates that the traveling party must provide full information in advance of travel. This includes specific travel documentation, such as flight numbers, arrival times, departure times, hotel information and a contact number where the children can be reached for regular communication or in case of emergency.

Whatever the vacation provisions, remember that kids enjoy travel time with their parents. Preventing the children from enjoying this time in order to exact revenge on a former spouse by making life difficult for them will only hurt the kids in the end.

Source: https://www.parentmap.com/article/divorce-coparenting-family-vacation-ex

You have the power over your mind... Control what you can and accept what you can't!

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength." 

- Marcus Aurelius


A few thoughts on how to manage the mind and focus on what we can control while accepting the things we cannot. Master the mind, and the rest will follow!


Access further insight, information, encouragement and support for helping you to Thrive after Divorce or separation at:


divorcedlifestyledesign.com


facebook.com/divorcedlifestyledesigner

Surviving Divorce: David Sbarra at TEDxTucson 2012

Really like the metaphor for forks in the road as decision points in life post-divorce.

10 ways to cope with adversity

Sometimes life throws a challenge or problem at you that seems insurmountable. Here's how to clear a path in the jungle of adversity to give you space to move on. By Sharon Marshall.

1. Take baby steps

Break down complex situations into smaller, more manageable tasks, says journalist Laurence Gonzales, who frequently finds himself having to cope with adverse situations. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! The smaller the steps you take in a difficult situation, the better." By employing this simple strategy - like doing a practical task like housework in a stressful situation - you allay your anxiety, restore organised thinking and get your brain back on track to help plot your next move.

2. Deny denial

Gonzales says, "One of the first stages of grief and other forms of adversity is usually denial. We refuse to accept that bad things are happening to us." Sandy Miller, whose brother was arrested wrongly, says her immediate reaction was one of denial. "My first reaction was to keep it quiet and not tell anybody. As the case dragged on,I realised it would hit the press at some stage anyway," says Sandy. "Allowing others to know helped me to cope with the reality of the situation, and face the consequences rationally." The quicker you accept the reality, the better your chances of moving on.

3. Bounce back

The biggest lesson for life coach Jana Beutler Holland, after working in a juvenile court, was learning what makes people resilient. "Just as there are some children from great families who mess up, there are, too, many children who come from dysfunction and despair, who somehow make it, and somehow survive amazingly well - despite poverty, affliction, criminal families, lack of education, and a lack of social or moral values or role models." The answer, she discovered, lay chiefly in love, support and opportunity for growth. "Those who have an internal locus of control, a sense of purpose and support structures learn to be resilient and go with the punches," says Jana. Now is the time to draw on your internal strength.

4. Don't panic

"As a young child, I was thrown into a pool by one of my brother's older friends. Though I have been afraid of water all my life, the one memory that sticks with me from that experience is that I intuited that I would drown if I panicked," says Carl McDonald, now 70. Resisting panic is also the first lesson that survival course instructors teach. Trauma counsellor John Dokes explains: "Whether it's a natural disaster, civil unrest or something more minor, the bottom line is that panic can lead to death. In the pool situation, by remaining calm and relaxing your muscles, you can actually gradually bring your head above water. Once you are calm, you are much more likely to resolve the situation ina positive manner."

5. Surrender, but don't give up

Pessimistic though it may sound, imagining the worst possible outcome allows you to relax and accept it. "In a survival or terminal illness situation, many learn to accept that they may die. Once they do, they find a sense of peace about it," says psychologist Jana Lund. "They stop trying to control things they have no power over and focus on those actions they can take. It sounds almost contradictory, but by accepting your limitations, you diffuse the emotions that can work against you."

6. Be pro-active

When her uncle's left hand was amputated after being injured in an accident with a log splitter, inspirational writer Deanna Mascle learnt a valuable lesson, "It was devastating to those who love him and certainly no one would have blamed my uncle for becoming depressed and grieving." However, instead of choosing that path, says Mascle, her uncle focused on what he could do, rather than on what he couldn't. "And if he discovers something that he can't do one-handed then he puts his considerable problem-solving abilities to work on a solution. He isn't simply reacting to a tragic accident, but proactively seeking solutions."

7. Get support

There is no need to do it alone. Ask for help. While diet, health and scientific research may come up with interesting theories of longevity, one common factor amongst survivors of adversity tends to be their connection to other people, says Mascle, regardless of religion or ethnic background.

8. Ditch the past

In a nutshell, victimhood is caused by being a prisoner of your past, says Rohini Singh, author of The Only Way Out is Within (Hay House). "You feel betrayed and let down by circumstances, people, and perhaps life itself. Energetically, you're wounded and bleeding. Obviously, you'll feel joyless and drained. Burdened with it and expecting it to repeat itself, you'll allow the very people or circumstances ‘cheating' you to continue to repeatedly ‘abuse' you," she says. By giving up blaming and complaining, you take charge of your life, assume responsibility for your state of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being and give up the burden of manipulating all the circumstances and situations you face, says Singh.

9. Be practical

When crisis strikes, everyday life seems inconsequential and insignificant in the face of the disaster, but it is often those little routine measures which keep the fabric of normality in place. For Joan Didion, author of A Year of Magical Thinking (Fourth Estate), in which she describes her reaction to the sudden loss of her husband, the solution was food. "When someone dies, I was taught growing up in California, you bake… You drop [the baked goods] by the house. You go to the funeral. If the family is Catholic you also go to the rosary, but you do not wait or keen or in any other way demand the attention of the family. I will not forget the instinctive wisdom of the friend who, every day for the first few weeks, brought me a quart container of scallion-and-ginger congee from Chinatown. Congee I could eat. Congee was all I could eat."

10. Laugh last

Using the example of a man ensnared by a bear trap, self-help writer Jon Glassett expounds the following theory: "The greatest weapon against adversity is laughter. No matter how serious the situation, you can - with time and proper training - wield laughter as you might a sword or chainsaw. Reach down into the depths of your bowels and muster a laugh so intense - so disturbingly hysterical - that immediately the situation takes on an entirely different tenor." In fact, adds Glassett, experts in this technique have managed to generate enough leverage using ‘crazy laugh' that bear traps will actually spring open and leg wounds will spontaneously heal.

Source: http://gulfnews.com/life-style/general/10-ways-to-cope-with-adversity-1.685281

It doesn't get easier; the challenges just get bigger

When we're working towards a challenging goal, or dealing with adversity and striving to improve our situation, we can focus on a goal to help direct our efforts. However, the reality is that those goals and target points tend to become mere points through which we end up passing as we move on to bigger and better things. You can read a recent article I wrote on this very subject at http://bit.ly/2JapY2O In this video I share the thinking behind this process, and how I've seen it exhibited in various aspects of life from career, to fitness, to relationships and beyond. If you have any comments or feedback on this episode you can reach out by email on toby@divorcedlifestyledesign.com If you'd like to receive the occasional message from me containing thoughts, information or inspiration related to living a better life after divorce, you can join my mailing list at the following link: bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive Thanks and have a great day! Toby

22 Suggestions On How To Keep a Positive Attitude When Moving On After Divorce

When rebuilding and moving on after divorce, it’s all about attitude, baby!.

Divorce is one of those life events that force huge changes in your life whether you like it or not. Moving on after divorce, no matter how strong a person you are, is challenging. Experience tells us that divorce knocks the wind out of your sails—regardless of who’s at fault or what the circumstances are.

I’m doing great again. Nope, actually, I’m better than great. But truthfully, I didn’t think I would ever get here again.

Many of you probably are feeling that way right now. I’m writing to give you hope that things will turn out not only okay but better than okay. OK? You will get unstuck and move on to a great life!

First, this important announcement: There is no Emotional Rescue Squad coming to save you from all this new crap. Yeah, I know, it’s a bummer. You’re alone in your own head every day with a range of emotions—anger, relief, humiliation, depression, and fear. You’re confused and overwhelmed at the same moment. Sometimes this goes on for years.

You might feel like a failure and unattractive like you’ve lost the most valuable years of your life. Just for fun, let’s also throw in your new lack of confidence, getting easily annoyed, occasionally spewing venom, suppressed anger, emotional and physical exhaustion and a fairly incomprehensible aerial view of your life’s choices. Everyone else life seems to have their life together, while you don’t.

You also probably have a lot of new things to worry about ranging from money to work, child care and custodial arrangements, not to mention trying to figure out who the hell you are and what, or who you want in your life going forward.

Strap on your “attitude” darlin’ cause your seriously gonna need it for this phase of rebuilding your life after divorce.

I truly believe “attitude” is everything and combined with a sense of humor, you will be armed for even the worst of days. I will warn you that this formula isn’t foolproof and it doesn’t work every day. But it sure works on most days as you move on from your old life to a brand new and better one!

Below Are 21 Suggestions on How to Keep Your Attitude Adjusted and Move on After Divorce

1. First off, make no mistake, it’s “you” against “you” every day. So you get to decide who wins. The dark you or the bright you.
2. Keep in mind that you paralyze yourself by focusing on the things you don’t have and can’t do. Rather, focus on what you do have, and can do.
3. Forgive yourself: Try not to beat yourself up—life can do that for you.
4. Learn to create little victories for yourself and build on them. Shoot for one little thing each day that can show progress in a particular area of your life.
5. Don’t be afraid to ask for help: Women give too much and are too proud to ask for help. No one can read your mind.
6. This new life is a work in progress, so you will need to learn patience. Masterpieces take time to create!
7. You have a responsibility to your children to do everything in your power to keep their relationship with both parents warm, loving and civil, if possible. For better or worse, their lives were changed without their consent.
8. Make yourself a deal that you will work on understanding yourself before trying to find a new partner. You now have permission slips to have temporary adult relationships to soothe your soul, but don’t introduce romantic partners to your kids unless it’s serious.
9. Dig deep and find the courage to be proactive. No one’s stopping by to check on you each day; they have their own problems.
10. Learn to let your perfectionism go: Each time you feel the pressure to get too many things done in a day, ask yourself which things really don’t matter and let them go. It’s freeing.
11. Friends will take sides and this will hurt, but those who are true will be there to listen and will be there forever.
12. If you’re a single working parent do everything in your power to make sure you find the best caretakers for your children. You will derive peace of mind when this is in place.
13. You will be alone at family functions with or without your kids—get used to it.
14. You will be dropping off your kids with their own suitcase and feel like crap. Then you will be all alone. You’ll either hate it or love it. Learn to use this time selfishly; it’s important and legal for you to have pleasure in your life.
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16. Find work that engages you and continues to build on your marketable skills. This will not only keep your mind stimulated, but it will help you toward earning more money—you’ll need it.
17. Search for inspiration and feed your soul and mind with upbeat information.
18. Make a list “Things To Do Before I Die” with all your dreams and aspirations, and fun things you’d like to do. And then start doing them and checking them off!
19. You will learn to sleep alone but also to come and go as you please on your own schedule.
20. It’s important for you to stay healthy! Exercise raises serotonin in your brain and helps fight depression.
21. Force yourself to stay involved with people and socialize for business and pleasure.
22. When you think you don’t have the strength, dig deeper. You’ll be amazed at what you never knew was inside of you.

Also, remember you’re not alone. There are many others living your lifestyle who understand and are there for you.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/22-suggestions-on-how-to-keep-a-positive-attitude-when-moving-on-after-divorce-cmtt/

6 Ways to Become More Positive Today

Perspective is destiny. Here's how to improve yours.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu

Each of us has a set of messages that play over and over in our minds. This internal dialogue, or personal commentary, influences our words, actions, habits, relationships and ultimately, in the words of Lao Tzu, the destiny of our lives.

Too often the pattern of self-talk we’ve developed is negative. This internal seed of negativity causes a dark ripple that extends to all corners of our daily lives. We walk around with a dark cloud hovering close-by, and view all glasses as half-empty. Our conversations always revert to all that is wrong with the world, and we’re constantly expecting the worst.

This negative approach to life can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Concepts such as the law of attraction, “you reap what you sow,” and “birds of a feather flock together,” speak to the magnetic power of our thoughts. Many studies confirm the correlation between positive thinking and success.

So how can we begin to brighten our view of the world, and infuse more positivity into our thought patterns? Although quite simple, these six steps can make a profound impact on your approach to life, and ultimately create a more positive outcome.

1. Practice Gratitude.
One of the quickest ways to shift your focus away from negativity, judgment, and disappointment is to list the things in your life for which you are grateful. Be grateful to be gainfully employed, to sleep in a bed each night, for the sun that comes up each morning, for the waiter who greets you with a smile, for the people that love and care for you, and for a body that lets you experience life each day. Practicing gratefulness can cause almost an immediate shift in your perspective. Keeping a daily gratitude journal, even digitally, can help remind you to keep life’s blessings at the forefront of your mind. Another strategy is to have a gratitude partner—someone who can support you in your journey to positive thinking. Each day, text, email or tell each other three things for which you are grateful. Think of this person as your accountability partner for your path to healthy thinking.

2. Two Steps Forward.
Initially, it might be hard to stop the negative flow of thoughts. This shift takes time. Be patient with yourself, and first just try to observe your thought patterns. See if you can catch yourself judging others, focusing on failures, complaining about work, or criticizing yourself or your body. When you observe these thoughts, take a moment to counter each negative thought with two positive observations or gratitudes. Think of it as taking two steps forward after your one step back.

3. Positive Posture.
The mind and the body have an intrinsic connection—each has a profound impact on the other. If you are struggling to move your mind into a more positive perspective, try moving your body there first. Try standing up straight, shoulders back, chin held high, stretching your arms out as wide as they can go. Feel powerful. Feel positive. Carrying yourself with “positive posture” will encourage your mind to feel more positive as well.

4. Smile.
Another way for your body to “trick” your mind into being more positive is through smiling. The simple act of smiling, even if you don’t necessarily have anything to smile about, can instantly change the way you feel internally. Whether you are sitting at your desk, driving in your car, or walking down the street, smile. You will be amazed how your mind reacts. Even better, try smiling at a co-worker or stranger you pass in the hallway or on the sidewalk. Did they smile back?

5. Ditch the Crabs.
If you put a crab in a bucket, it will easily climb out. But if you put a second crab in the bucket, neither of them will escape. Once one starts to escape, the other will pull it back down into the bucket. In other words, surround yourself with positive people. It's hard to maintain a positive perspective if you are constantly pulled down by the negativity of friends, family, or co-workers. If you get trapped in a negative conversation, gracefully try to change the subject to something more positive. However, if you are surrounded by a bucketful of negative crabs, it may be time to reevaluate your circle of friends in an effort to be surrounded by uplifting individuals.

6. Do Something Kind.
It’s easy to get absorbed by our own world of misfortune and to forget about the people around us. Stepping outside of your daily routine to help someone else can provide amazing perspective and fill you with positivity. Strive to do one nice thing for someone else each day. Call a family member or friend in need of a kind word, compliment a stranger, go out of your way to help a co-worker complete a task, or join the thousands of caffeinated people “paying it forward” in the Starbucks line.

Life is not always easy, and sometimes we get handed a bushel of lemons. However, it is our own perspective that ultimately determines if we will drudge through life puckered and sour, or skip along with a glass of sweet lemonade.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201409/6-ways-become-more-positive-today

All we need is just a little patience

In recent videos I've been discussing the many traits and characteristics that I believe will assist us both as we work through times of adversity and challenge, but also as we strive to achieve significant goals; amongst the most significant of these, is patience.

Inspired by one of my recent blog posts (http://bit.ly/2Eh9ZgS) this video explores why I think patience is an essential skill or trait to employ in all aspects of life, and how I believe its effects can be manifested in our lives.

If you have any comments or feedback on this episode you can reach out by email on toby@kintsugilife.co

If you'd like to receive the occasional message from me containing thoughts, information or inspiration related to living a better life after divorce, you can join my mailing list at the following link:

http://bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive

You can also subscribe to my free podcast, Kintsugi Life at:

http://bit.ly/kintsugi-life

Thanks and have a great day!

Toby