How Solo Single Moms Can Raise Confident, Healthy Sons

The notion that any dad is better than no dad is nonsense.

Parenting solo is a tough challenge, no doubt.

However, psychologists agree that boys do not require constant male guidance to grow up confident and healthy. In fact, a dad living at home who is a poor role model typically does more harm than good. If a biological dad is unfailingly neglectful, physically or emotionally abusive or just plain unloving, his son is most likely better off without his dad’s influence.

So what can a single mother raising a boy alone do to ensure her son gets what he needs? For starters, trust that your beliefs and actions will guide you toward success.

Here are some other tips to keep in mind:

Adjust your attitude, if necessary. Strive to resolve your issues about men and relationships, especially if you became a single mom under excruciating circumstances – like if your son’s father left without warning or explanation. When you look at your son and see his biological dad’s face, it’s OK to get a little emotional. After all, if your ex gave you anything of value, you’re looking at him. Tell your son early and often how much you love him no matter how you feel about his biological dad.

Banish any “man of the house” notions about your son. Your goal is to guide your son toward manhood. Right now, however, your son cannot assume responsibility for things adult men are supposed to do. Your son is not your confidant, knight in shining armor or rescuer. Correct privately and quickly any adult who asks your son if he’s taking good care of Mommy or wrongly confers “man of the house” responsibilities on him.

Your son’s only job right now is to be a kid.

Set limits early. Sons of single moms are not at greater risk for getting into serious trouble as adults. Don’t believe the dire predictions you may hear. Believe in yourself as a strong and confident parent.

Focus on your son and his needs. As parents, our only realistic option is to control our own behavior.

Boys do act differently than girls. Dealing effectively with bursts of typical boy behavior, such as pushing and shoving on the playground, are simply a part of your everyday parenting responsibilities.

Teach your son your values. But let him express these values uniquely. Point out positive qualities in men you see on a day-to-day basis. Emphasize the importance of treating others with kindness, as well as being helpful and considerate. Discuss examples of bullying in age-appropriate ways. Point out why such behaviors are contrary to your family values and simply wrong.

Make it clear what’s appropriate behavior in your home. Of course, hitting, punching and kicking are against family rules. Discuss alternatives to unwanted behavior so that your son can make more appropriate choices next time. These will not be one-time conversations.

Spanking may work for the moment, but it sends the powerful message that acting out your feelings is acceptable, if you’re the one in charge.

Stress using words rather than actions to convey feelings. Model this behavior by using words to describe your own feelings, rather than slamming the car door or stomping angrily around the house. Make sure your son understands that it’s not OK to shut people out. Let your son cry openly with no discouragement or judgment.

Keep talking. As your son grows older, challenges increase because adolescent boys fear revealing their confusion and vulnerability. Our culture still admires “real men” who fear weakness and strive to solve problems on their own. This is why solo single moms – who don’t have another parent to partner with in raising kids – are often advised to leave their sons alone or let them shoot some hoops. We’re assured that he’ll be fine and urged not to hover.

Resist the impulse to shrug your shoulders and walk away. This is exactly the time to let your son know that you’re always available for conversation. Talking openly – sharing kid-friendly details - about what goes on in your own life makes your son more inclined to say what’s on his mind rather than silently sulk.

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-03-21/how-solo-single-moms-can-raise-confident-healthy-sons

The First Step To Empowering Yourself After Divorce From A Narcissist

Divorce from a narcissist will keep you miserable, sleepless, panic-stricken, and crazy until you develop this crucial mindset:

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is a mindfulness principle. It means you accept reality, as painful as reality is at this moment. Your reality is that the narcissist in your life is fundamentally incapable of giving you what you need. Expecting otherwise will just cause you more suffering: not only is the narcissist psychically beating you up, but you are also beating your head against the wall.

If you’re divorcing or divorced from a narcissist, you may be unpleasantly surprised that your life feels more unmanageable than it did when you were married. Your ex has turned into a terrorist: he (or she) alleges that you’re an unfit parent; threatens litigation to get you to back down; tries to turn your kids against you; tries to get full custody (he may not even want it, but getting it would be the ultimate revenge); and creates all kinds of drama in an attempt to prevent you from getting what you thought divorce would bring you: the ability to move on with your life.

Does Radical Acceptance Mean I Give Up?

Yes and no. Yes, it means you give up the struggle to make reality different. No, it means you take back your power, which is the opposite of giving up. You may feel that your narcissist ex has you trapped, but you have much more freedom than you think. When you adopt a Radical Acceptance mindset, you will learn to:

1. Stop defending yourself.

2. Stop trying to get your ex to see your point-of-view.

3. Stop expecting your ex to compromise or mediate (mediation generally fails because narcissists lack empathy, reciprocity, and flexibility, all traits required for a successful mediation).

4. Stop expecting your ex to respect your boundaries, the court order, and your children’s right to have a healthy relationship with you.

5. Stop expecting your ex to act in the best interest of your children.

6. Stop expecting your ex to take even a smidgen of accountability for anything other than what goes right with the children.

7. Stop expecting your ex to “get over it.”

Once you stop expecting your narcissist ex to suddenly morph into a reasonable person, you will probably feel relieved. You will no longer waste energy trying to will reality to be different. You can then shift your intention to the positive things you can do.


1. Continue to set boundaries (even if your ex ignores them). Your ex doesn’t get to run your house. You don’t even need to let him in your house (this may require revising your court order, but it’s worth it). Explain to your ex that your kids will not be taking his calls during dinner time (hide the phones if you need to). Wait a day before responding to incendiary texts and emails. Parent your children the way you think is best, despite what your ex tells you to do.

2. Develop a policy for electronic communication. Counter cyber-bullying by limiting your ex’s access to you. Unless it’s an emergency, there is no need to respond to every histrionic email and text. Once a day should be sufficient. When you do reply, don’t hit “send” right away. Wait for your blood pressure to return to normal and then draft a brief response that focuses on facts and logistics. When you feel the urge to defend yourself or lash out in retaliation, disengage. Why are you getting riled up by someone who is, at least in relation to you, crazy?

3. Take regular divorce vacations. Implement a no-divorce zone in your life. Don’t do anything divorce-related — including texting or emailing your ex — after a certain time, say, 9 p.m. This will help you get a good night’s sleep. Don’t talk about your divorce 24/7 with your friends, especially if you want to keep them. When you catch yourself arguing with your ex in your head, first acknowledge that you’re ruminating, and then shift your focus to something that has nothing to do with him (or her).

4. Nurture your healthy relationships. It’s common to feel depressed and anxious when divorcing a narcissist. But don’t let these feelings consume you and cause you to isolate. The best antidote to depression is to stay connected to people who care about you. Good friends make you feel good about yourself, which will help put your ex’s opinion of you in perspective.

5. Practice self-care. Take whatever healthy steps you can to sleep and eat. Go to therapy. Take medication if you need to. Exercise. Eat small meals. If you get paid vacation and sick time at work, use it. Do something creative, which will shift your focus from Divorce Gloom to things that are life-affirming.

6. Have a sense of humor. It’s hard to get through life without a sense of humor. Read or watch something that makes you laugh. Hang out with friends who crack you up. Having a sense of humor won’t change your ex, but it will help you disengage from his antics.

7. Focus on what’s going well. No matter how bad things seem, there are people out there who have it worse. Keep a gratitude journal and write down one thing everyday that you’re grateful for. Writing down little things — a hot shower, ten fingers and ten toes, a comfortable bed — can be surprisingly powerful because you will begin to realize how much you have going for you, and how much you’ve been taking for granted.

Few of us, if any, dwell in Radical Acceptance 100% of the time. Cultivating that mindset is a daily practice. But over time, this mindset will give you what your ex never can: serenity, personal power, and the ability to enjoy life as it is today.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-first-step-to-empowering-yourself-after-divorce_us_5908bc1de4b05279d4edc01c

Help for Dealing With a High-Conflict Custody Dispute

How to respond when your ex provokes you

When you’re dealing with a high-conflict custody dispute, it’s important to remain level-headed and stand your ground. Here are some tips for coping when your ex repeatedly tries to antagonize you over your custody arrangement:

Practice self-awareness. You can’t change how the other person behaves, but you can change the way you respond or contribute to the situation. Especially if you’re dealing with an extremely high-conflict personality who’s manipulative or accustomed to getting his or her own way, focusing on what you know to be true about yourself and the situation will help you stay grounded.

Write it all down. Start keeping a journal where you can document not only your interactions with your ex, but also your own feelings. In particular, you’ll want to look for patterns that can help you create routines for dealing with the situation. And remember, your goal isn’t to change your ex’s behavior -- because you don’t have any control over that. What you want to do—and can do—is identify small changes that will make the situation easier for your children and yourself.

Surround yourself with positive influences. Think about who you listen to most. Is it your best friend? A family member? Make an intentional effort to surround yourself with positive people who will help you be more assertive without unnecessarily making you more upset or adding drama.

Set boundaries with your ex. Put limits on when you’ll answer the phone, text, and meet to discuss the situation. For example, let your ex know that you’re available until 8 p.m. to talk on the phone or text, but that your phone will be set to silent after that. And when you need to discuss custody and other issues in person, make a point of meeting in a public place where you feel comfortable.

Compromise when appropriate. You don’t want to become a doormat or for one voluntary compromise to suggest that your ex can have his or her way all the time. However, it can be extremely effective to proactively offer up a compromise that is important to your ex but doesn’t cost you more than you’re willing to give up. When possible, try to be as flexible with you ex as you’d like him or her to be with you.

Work with a lawyer you trust. Don’t attempt to navigate a bitter custody battle on your own. Hire an attorney who knows the child custody laws in your state and has experience practicing family law. If money is an issue, contact your state Bar Association for referrals to pro-bono legal services and legal clinics in your area.

Develop a written parenting plan. Put your agreements down on paper so that you have something to refer to when either of you asks for changes or claims that the custody arrangement isn’t being followed. Some states require a parenting plan, but even if your state doesn’t, a clearly written parenting plan will make it more difficult for your ex to manipulate the situation or claim that you’re not following the plan you both agreed to. Be sure to include details like transportation, when each visit will start and end, and how you plan to handle school holidays, as well.

Most parents will see improvement with the steps outlined above. However, if you’re experiencing a particularly high-conflict custody dispute with an individual who’s become aggressive or unstable, it may be safer to back off. The following recommendations are for situations where safety may be compromised by continuing to use rational communication methods:

Seek counseling. Particularly if you’re trying to co-parent with a narcissistpersonality, you should consider speaking with a professional. This will give you a safe place to unload all that you’re dealing with while also providing strategies for coping and remaining differentiated from any drama your ex is attempting to stir up.

Minimize contact. If your ex frequently lashes out at you, take steps to minimize contact with him or her. While I don’t recommend zero contact, unless safety is an issue, it can helpful to limit contact to conversations that are absolutely necessary.

Stay on topic. Avoid venturing off into topics that could worsen the conflict between you. For example, don’t bring up old arguments that aren’t likely be resolved and don’t allow yourself to react when your ex tries to stir up trouble with accusations or inflammatory words.

Consider a restraining order. This is only recommended in situations where your safety or your children’s safety is at risk. Never exaggerate circumstances in an effort to secure a restraining order, as this will only work against you. To get a restraining order, contact your local police station or—in an emergency—call 911.

Finally, remember that the purpose of every communication with your ex is to facilitate his or her ongoing relationship with your children—a relationship that your kids have a right to experience. To the extent that you can, try to put your differences behind you and work toward developing a more healthy co-parenting relationship. And remember, your co-parenting relationship is still developing; with help, it won't always be as difficult as it is today.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/help-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-custody-dispute-2998162

5 Ways To Handle Your Hostile Ex

Some people don’t ever get over their divorce. It doesn’t matter if they wind up with the house, all your money, a hot new partner, and your entire social circle. Ultimately, those tangibles don’t matter because they don’t get to the root of the problem: shame.

For most people, divorce causes shame, which often manifests in anger. Well-adjusted people eventually get over being angry because they take accountability for their part in the demise of the marriage. They stop focusing on the past and become grateful for opportunities in the present. They get sick of being angry and move on.

But this doesn’t happen for perpetually hostile exes. High-conflict personalities can’t tolerate knowing something in their life didn’t work out. This sense of failure triggers shame, and their only means of defending against that awful feeling is to blame you for everything: the failed marriage, issues with the kids, problems with communication, their poor health, etc. They will blame you even if they were the one who initiated the divorce.

Because they don’t really want to get along with you (that would require accountability and personal growth), they perpetuate a high-conflict interactional style that fuels seemingly endless litigation, custody battles, and unnecessary co-parenting drama.

Does this sound familiar? If so, you need to accept that your ex will never get over being angry at you because you serve a purpose: to be the receptacle for their shame. Now that you know you’ll always be a target, how do you keep out of the line of fire?

1. Develop an effective communication strategy. Hostile exes love to use electronic communication to criticize, attack, and threaten. Just seeing their name come in on an email is enough to trigger your gag reflex. Knee-jerk reactions to respond in kind, or fire back a lengthy self-defense are understandable, but will inflame the conflict. You must develop a strategy to deflect the hostility and limit their access to you. Don’t respond to electronic communication more than once day. If possible, wait 24 hours before writing back. Don’t hit “send” before you thoroughly read over what you’ve written. Delete anything that smacks of sarcasm or anger. Imagine you’re a reporter laying out the facts: stick to logistics and keep your feelings out if it.

2. Acknowledge your ex’s experience. We all want to feel heard, but high-conflict personalities are particularly sensitive to feeling ignored or misunderstood. Your first response to any communication from your ex must be to acknowledge their experience — even if you think it’s ridiculous. For instance: “It sounds like you’re worried that Ezra isn’t getting enough sleep at my house, I understand why that’s a concern.” Once you mirror their feelings and needs, then you can move on to your calm response: “Ezra’s well-being is a priority for me as well and I can assure you I’m getting him to bed at an appropriate time.” Remember: the issue isn’t Ezra’s bedtime. The issue is your ex’s need to be heard. Your validating, measured response is much more likely to defuse the conflict than arguing your point-of-view.

3. Keep firm boundaries. If you were the Pleaser during your marriage, you must learn to assert yourself effectively. Waffling or being passive-aggressive will make your ex more angry because he or she will feel that you’re playing games or behaving in ways that are confusing. Practice setting and keeping limits: “I understand that you miss the kids; I miss them on the weekends they’re with you, so I know what that feels like. Nevertheless, this is my weekend with them so please drop them off at the designated time and place.” Refer to the court order if necessary. If you don’t have a court order, then get one! Verbal agreements mean nothing to high-conflict exes and won’t hold up in court.

4. Keep kids out of the middle. Raising children with a hostile ex is one of the most difficult byproducts of divorce. But you must develop strategies to prevent your children from being used as artillery. If your kids tell you about the crappy things your ex says about you, many of which are lies, do not fire off an email setting your ex straight. Remember: your job is to disengage from the conflict. Tell your kids you understand that Dad is angry. Acknowledge that it must be upsetting to hear their parents aren’t getting along. Advise them to come to you directly with questions and concerns about you instead of trying to get their dad to do it for them. Also try to stay calm when you talk to them about your ex; otherwise, they will go back and report that you seemed angry, which will fuel more fire.

5. Develop coping skills. Being a human target is traumatic. If you’re irritable, anxious, exhausted, perhaps medicating with Oreos and red wine, it’s time to develop positive coping skills! Therapy, journaling, making art, physical exercise, and mindfulness meditation are great ways to tolerate challenging feelings and build internal resources. If you’re feeling ragged, you may be interacting with your ex in a way that inadvertently aggravates her — for example, hostile body language, an emotionally charged tone of voice, or snarky emails. When you feel more empowered, your voice and body language will shift and you will be better able to deal with your difficult ex.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/5-ways-to-handle-your-hostile-ex_us_58865e64e4b0111ea60b98f6

Letting go of ex's family may be harder than divorce

I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.

"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me of my ex-husband, whom she still adores.

Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation anytime soon. We're in a great — but still divorced — spot.

Still, she asks. And I'm hardly an exception.

A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to members of the other's family. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while still keeping the peace?

Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to recognize the situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, it's easier today than it was in earlier generations.

"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the ebook on mediation, "A Clearer Path — The Divorce Consultants' Complete Guide to Divorce." "But today, my kids — who are products of divorce — find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that (it's) OK for everybody to get along."

Perry said that unless there was a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and/or his or her family can be very beneficial — especially if children are involved.

"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today, it's about finding new ways of communicating."

And these days, it's easier than ever to find new ways.

Technology makes it simple to stay in touch, from an emotional or geographic distance, especially if being together in person is too emotional, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of "How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know" (HarperOne).

Here are additional tips from the experts on navigating post-divorce relationships:

Create a schedule. Connecting with "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates defuses potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.

Perry, who is also an integrated life coach, has worked with many couples to establish a schedule, either with a mediator or through a counselor, to address time spent with former in-laws.

"I had a couple set things up in mediation and it avoided so many problems," Perry said. "They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit."

Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be senstitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as his or her parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoying to highly exasperating. If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.

"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while and she would call him and invite him to things all the time and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently — there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me and it's OK to include him from time to time but I need to be sure that it's something I'm confortable with.'

"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them too."

Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.

"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex but it would really bother me if you ... called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."

Ask your former in-laws how they'd like to move forward. "Sometimes you're closer to your ex's family than you are to your own so letting go of that daily contact might be tough," Kaiser said. "Some can handle it while others need a clean break because it's painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex's family and say, 'Are you wiling to have a relationship with me even though I'm not married to your son or daughter? I still consider you to be family and want to be in your life.'"

But be prepared to accept that your former in-laws aren't ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.

"It's hard (not to take this personally) and it's completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry," she said. "This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it's important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, and let them know that you're hoping they will change their mind."

Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren't clinging to an ex's family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?

"For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had," Kaiser said. "A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don't take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It's important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected."

The benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.

"I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much," Perry said. "She didn't have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can't handle how much the ex-wife is in his family's life. So while it's nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance."

Technology to the rescue. "Traditionally, the old-school way was (that) all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative," Kaiser said. "Nowadays, there's email, and texting. You can be in peripheral touch in a way that you couldn't before we had cellphones and email."

Social media is another option. "With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures but it's not intrusive or hurtful," Kaiser said. "The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else's feelings."

Know where to find help. Kaiser said finding the right emotional support can help during those tough times.

"When you're feeling particularly vulnerable, sad or angry, you want to go lean on a support system filled with those who are your people. They're on your team. Whether it's your immediate family, a therapist or a close friend, they will tell you all the things you need to hear."

Perry also suggests the following sites: http://www.2houses.com/en, http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/, http://www.bothparents.com/wordpress/.

"These are great online co-parenting tools that help people organize their scheduling and finances after they are divorced — and it works whether the couple is talking or not," Perry said.

Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0722-divorce-inlaws-20140720-story.html