Most mornings as I leave the Y after my swim and shower, I cross paths with a coterie of toddlers entering with their caregivers for a kid-oriented activity. I can’t resist saying hello, requesting a high-five, and wishing them a fun time. I leave the Y grinning from ear to ear, uplifted not just by my own workout but even more so by my interaction with these darling representatives of the next generation.
What a great way to start the day!
When I told a fellow swimmer about this experience and mentioned that I was writing a column on the health benefits of positive emotions, she asked, “What do you do about people who are always negative?” She was referring to her parents, whose chronic negativity seems to drag everyone down and make family visits extremely unpleasant.
I lived for half a century with a man who suffered from periodic bouts of depression, so I understand how challenging negativism can be. I wish I had known years ago about the work Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina, has done on fostering positive emotions, in particular her theory that accumulating “micro-moments of positivity,” like my daily interaction with children, can, over time, result in greater overall well-being.
The research that Dr. Fredrickson and others have done demonstrates that the extent to which we can generate positive emotions from even everyday activities can determine who flourishes and who doesn’t. More than a sudden bonanza of good fortune, repeated brief moments of positive feelings can provide a buffer against stress and depression and foster both physical and mental health, their studies show.
This is not to say that one must always be positive to be healthy and happy. Clearly, there are times and situations that naturally result in negative feelings in the most upbeat of individuals. Worry, sadness, anger and other such “downers” have their place in any normal life. But chronically viewing the glass as half-empty is detrimental both mentally and physically and inhibits one’s ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable stresses.
Negative feelings activate a region of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved in processing fear and anxiety and other emotions. Dr. Richard J. Davidson, a neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin — Madison, has shown that people in whom the amygdala recovers slowly from a threat are at greater risk for a variety of health problems than those in whom it recovers quickly.
Both he and Dr. Fredrickson and their colleagues have demonstrated that the brain is “plastic,” or capable of generating new cells and pathways, and it is possible to train the circuitry in the brain to promote more positive responses. That is, a person can learn to be more positive by practicing certain skills that foster positivity.
For example, Dr. Fredrickson’s team found that six weeks of training in a form of meditation focused on compassion and kindness resulted in an increase in positive emotions and social connectedness and improved function of one of the main nerves that helps to control heart rate. The result is a more variable heart rate that, she said in an interview, is associated with objective health benefits like better control of blood glucose, less inflammation and faster recovery from a heart attack.
Dr. Davidson’s team showed that as little as two weeks’ training in compassion and kindness meditation generated changes in brain circuitry linked to an increase in positive social behaviors like generosity.
“The results suggest that taking time to learn the skills to self-generate positive emotions can help us become healthier, more social, more resilient versions of ourselves,” Dr. Fredrickson reported in the National Institutes of Health monthly newsletter in 2015.
In other words, Dr. Davidson said, “well-being can be considered a life skill. If you practice, you can actually get better at it.” By learning and regularly practicing skills that promote positive emotions, you can become a happier and healthier person. Thus, there is hope for people like my friend’s parents should they choose to take steps to develop and reinforce positivity.
In her newest book, “Love 2.0,” Dr. Fredrickson reports that “shared positivity — having two people caught up in the same emotion — may have even a greater impact on health than something positive experienced by oneself.” Consider watching a funny play or movie or TV show with a friend of similar tastes, or sharing good news, a joke or amusing incidents with others. Dr. Fredrickson also teaches “loving-kindness meditation” focused on directing good-hearted wishes to others. This can result in people “feeling more in tune with other people at the end of the day,” she said.
Activities Dr. Fredrickson and others endorse to foster positive emotions include:
Do good things for other people. In addition to making others happier, this enhances your own positive feelings. It can be something as simple as helping someone carry heavy packages or providing directions for a stranger.
Appreciate the world around you. It could be a bird, a tree, a beautiful sunrise or sunset or even an article of clothing someone is wearing. I met a man recently who was reveling in the architectural details of the 19th-century houses in my neighbourhood.
Develop and bolster relationships. Building strong social connections with friends or family members enhances feelings of self-worth and, long-term studies have shown, is associated with better health and a longer life.
Establish goals that can be accomplished. Perhaps you want to improve your tennis or read more books. But be realistic; a goal that is impractical or too challenging can create unnecessary stress.
Learn something new. It can be a sport, a language, an instrument or a game that instills a sense of achievement, self-confidence and resilience. But here, too, be realistic about how long this may take and be sure you have the time needed.
Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all. Rather than imperfections and failures, focus on your positive attributes and achievements. The loveliest people I know have none of the external features of loveliness but shine with the internal beauty of caring, compassion and consideration of others.
Practice resilience. Rather than let loss, stress, failure or trauma overwhelm you, use them as learning experiences and steppingstones to a better future. Remember the expression: When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
Practice mindfulness. Ruminating on past problems or future difficulties drains mental resources and steals attention from current pleasures. Let go of things you can’t control and focus on the here-and-now. Consider taking a course in insight meditation.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/03/well/live/turning-negative-thinkers-into-positive-ones.html
Whether you’re an entrepreneur, freelancer, in management or climbing up the corporate ladder, by being negative, your worst enemy becomes yourself. Yes, you might have some “enemies” in your life as well, like the rude saleswoman who told you that dress you were trying on looked too young for you. However, it's up to you to deal with those snide comments by not playing them over and over in your head.
Sadly, most people say worse things about themselves, to themselves, than they would ever say about a friend or even a stranger. It's good to pay attention to your interior dialogue so you know when you're feeling negatively, then you can take the steps to fix it. The good news is that you’re in total control of changing how you talk to yourself. Here are some of the most vicious things we do to ourselves, why we do it, and how to stop:
1. Convincing yourself you are worse than you are.
Whether it’s fat, stupid, lazy or any other negative word, it's best to just avoid that line of thinking. First of all, those words turn what should be a verb into a noun. A person, by nature, cannot be fat. Using the “I am” to precursor any negative self-talk makes it that much worse, it makes a person own it, and it reinforces it. Try balancing it with “I feel” and “but” such as “I feel like I’m carrying more weight than is healthy, but I’m also strong.” Then make a plan of action to change if necessary.
2. Deciding you can't do something before you even try.
There are certainly things most people probably can’t do, like become Miss America if they're in their 30s, married and have three kids (they have rules, after all). However, for the most part “I can’t” is really a way of saying “This is hard” or “I feel overwhelmed.” While having a bucket list is fantastic for some, there are many reasons that it’s not a good idea. If you think you can’t do something, try asking yourself first if you really want to do it.
3. Thinking everyone has a life better than you.
Whether it’s getting their PhD, getting married, having kids, traveling or getting promotions, success of others doesn’t take away from your achievements. Everyone has highs and lows. Everyone desires different things and puts various values on different “achievements.” There’s guaranteed to be someone who’s envious of your life (and probably quite a few people). Avoid comparing your life to others and focus on the value of your own journey.
4. Believing you don't have time to reach your goals.
Everyone gets just as many hours in the day as Beyonce. In fact, time is the one equalizer: Everyone has the same amount in a day, and nobody knows when their days will run out. As such, it’s not an excuse not to do what you want to do (but it’s often used as an excuse to not do what you don’t want to do). While Life Hacker gives tips on making it feel like you have more time, the reality is that it’s still the same time, just better spent.
5. Making impossible bargains with yourself.
There are all kinds of bargains and deals we make with ourselves. Sometimes they make sense. For example, “When I save six months’ worth of income by August of this year, I’ll file the license for by business.” That’s smart planning with a feasible goal and end date in mind. However, something like “When I lose 50 pounds, I’ll find true love” is your mantra, it’s time to re-think your goals, what’s important, and your dreams.
How much of your self-talk is helping you, and how much is getting in your own way? Listen closely, and you’ll be surprised by how much sabotage may be happening.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/242941
Dear Kids,
I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.
You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.
Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.
1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.
There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.
I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.
The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.
You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.
Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.
Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.
2. I will stop ignoring myself.
A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.
The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.
I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.
However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.
While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.
I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.
3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.
I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.
And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.
So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.
4. I will stop keeping score.
Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.
As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.
I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.
I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.
I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.
5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.
When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.
Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.
When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”
6. I will stop making negative comparisons.
There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.
I’m sorry for that.
When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.
Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.
From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.
I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.
Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.
Love you always,
Your Parent
Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D
Help! My Ex Is Manipulating My Children.
Dealing with divorce is never easy. In fact it is probably amongst the most stressful and grueling experiences one can go through. When we get married we start off with a tremendous amount of hope and expectation. Intellectually we know it will take work but it is truly impossible to really know what kind of work it will take until we are already down the path of the marriage. I believe the reason it is difficult to get an idea of what the work of marriage will look like is because I believe it is individual to each marriage and the specific issues which exist between the partners.
Whatever the issues are which end the marriage being divorced can often be harder than it ever was being married, especially if you share children. When divorced couples share children there is no ending to the relationship which makes moving on difficult because the children bind us together for our lives. We not only have to deal with our ex but we have to often deal solely with all the aspects of them that we tried to divorce. This can be the most frustrating aspect to cope with. Here we have divorced this person to get away from their negative traits and we seem to deal more with them post-divorce then we did married.
This is where the children often become the victims because control (especially for the spouse who was left) becomes the big issue in these circumstances. When this happens so often does parent alienation syndrome. If children start distancing from the other parent we can be sure parent alienation is occurring. There is nothing more debilitating emotionally then when our spouse manipulates the children against the other. The loss of one’s children to manipulation is maddening and very difficult to recover from because the children are not old enough or mature enough to really see what is happening.
When our ex is manipulating our children it can be the hardest thing to let go of. There is no greater pain then watching our children being poisoned. We often feel powerless and heart broken. The only cure for this is time. In time children always come to see the bigger picture. When these circumstances occur, which sadly is more often than not, it can feel impossible to keep any balance in our lives or in the lives of the children because there is so much manipulation being inflicted upon them that they cannot see or understand.
When this type of situation is happening there is only one recourse. We have to stay focused on the love we can give our children when we have our time with them. We have to stay focused on our individual lives and make them so strong that we have fulfillment individually which will make us a happier more emotionally available parent. When we have control in our own world it gives the children the space to feel their own emotions and go through their own experience of the manipulation. In scaling back and focusing on our own lives this will not only start to bring stability back into our world but it will also begin to slowly bring stability into the world of the children when they are on our custodial time.
If an amicable relationship cannot be had regardless of our efforts with our ex-spouse then learn how to treat that person as a business. This relationship should be minimized to talking only about the children and their needs. This is not an easy thing to master especially when you are aware the children are being manipulated and decisions regarding the children are being made without our full agreement or consent. We have to keep in mind that there is no way to control our ex’s or what they covertly do to the children emotionally. The only thing that can heal that wound will be time. See, the truth is like the cream in coffee it will eventually raise to the surface.
Ten steps to take to make the relationship with your ex a business:
1.) Only communicate the necessary information to your ex regarding the children
2.) Get wages garnished to eliminate money games.
3.) Communicate only through writing so you have a line of documentation if necessary to review with your legal team. If your ex responds to your communication with attack, re-read what you sent and see if you communicated all the necessary information and if so, do not respond to the attack. Be cordial but say very little when in person with your ex.
4.) Become aware of covert tactics and manipulations by your ex. Educate yourself so you can see them so you can avoid getting sucked in.
5.) Repsect the custodial schedule. Minimize asking favors from the ex like switching weekends as this will be held against you in the future. Also respect your ex's time when he/she does not have the children.
6.) If your children have athletic practices on your ex’s custodial times do not attend them. Attend practices on your time and attend all games.
7.) Remember that the children love you both and deserve for you to both love them rather than barter and fight over them. If one partner stops the fighting the other will soon have nothing left to fight with and things will calm down.
8.) Refrain from telling your ex how to parent. Let the children experience your ex in the truth of who they are. Manipulation can be hard for the children to see so just be patient…time will heal this
9). Focus on yourself and making your life happy. You have paid your dues.
10.) Stay out of manipulating offers of friendship by your ex when friendship means that you do whatever your ex wants so they won’t manipulate your children. This is extortion not friendship.
These steps will help to clean up the power struggle which often occurs when people divorce. There is a lot of grief adjusting and loss when our nuclear family falls apart and many of us get caught up in being more commintted to our ex’s in fear or in hate than we were ever committed to them in love and this makes the divorce even harder than the marriage. We can only be committed to fearing or hating someone until we decide it is not worth the energy and time. If we have divorced we need to remember why we made this decision. The decision was made in the thoughts of getting our lives back to happy and we did it for the health of our children. Stay with that mindset. We made this decision to make our lives more at peace and more open for love. No matter who our ex is or how difficult they are to deal with it is up to us how much of this we will tolerate or not.
After a divorce it is our time to focus on loving ourselves. Giving ourselves the love we were in drought of in the marriage. We have to find the places, out of the marriage, where we can see freedom. We have to be creative and enter into new adventures. When we have our kids we need to make the world about them with love and discipline, and when they are with our ex we need to let them be with our ex. When we have our alone time we need to take advantage of this time to focus on ourselves by setting some goals and taking the steps to achieve the happiness we chose to find in making the decision to divorce. It is a new time in our lives and a time for us to celebrate and find love again. It is not a time for us to waste all kinds of energy in trying to either control our ex or spending too much time defending ourselves to our ex. If this is happening then we are not free yet. If the manipulation by our ex has given us the feeling that we have lost our children we need to find people who we can love and trust to share our grief with. Find a good therapist and legal team. Be assured that with time children always see the truth.
Advice: Focus on the best interest of your children and focus on the best interest of you. If your children ask you questions answer them honestly. It is in no one’s best interest to stay committed to negativity. Let go. Let go of the need to control, let go of the need to defend and let go of the need to fight. Start to make a list of all the things you would like do and achieve as a single person and make steps each day to reclaim your identity and your life.
When you stop allowing your ex to engage you in drama, you finally sever the last bit of commitment between the two of you. It is a real lesson in humility to do this but it is the one thing that will set you free. At the end of the day we have to let each soul walk its path. The only path you have to focus on is your path. Whether you like your ex as a person or not you will always have to respect that to your children that is their other parent. Not always an easy pill to swallow but those are the facts. When your children see that you accept this it takes pressure off of them to not have to take sides or to feel as if they are somehow flawed and defective if they still love their other parent. Guilt is one of the most covertly manipulative tools used on children.
We all have lessons to learn from the relationships we have, and what we have to trust for our children is that they were meant to have the exact parents that they do or else things would be different. There will be many learning opportunities provided to the children through your ex that they could not get from any other person good or bad. They are meant to have these lessons and so try and back off and trust that. If they come to you in pain be there to understand and comfort them and this will build deep bonds between you and your children based in understanding by experience.
For now, focus on renewal and rebirth. Separate all your emotions from your ex and let them go to be whoever it is they are. If they choose to stay connected to you through their own hate (whether overtly or covertly) then so be it. That is their waste of life and energy and you do not have to engage. Focus on you. Add love to your life. Eat right, laugh, go out with friends, love your new romantic interest if you have one, exercise, sleep well and love your children. That is what life is all about.
Little Life Message: When we take good care of ourselves and our emotions we teach and model our children to the same.
Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/ph-d-sherrie-campbell/ten-steps-deal-impossible-ex
When the heck is the divorce fighting going to end? My friend John is 11 years separated from his ex and at least 7 years divorced and they’re still at it. Like cats and dogs.
They had one of those text fights the other day. You know, the kind where you send a text and get one back that’s a little nasty. So then you reply with a bit of edge only to get one back that’s just as sharp. Before you know it, about a dozen texts fly back and forth with each of you trying to be more clever and biting than the other.
And what did it get you? High blood pressure, a couple of grey hairs and a few seconds off your life.
Why are they still angry at each other? Didn’t they get divorced so that they could be apart from each other for good?
Well, they have children together. Like it or not, they still have to deal with one another for many more years.
So many people falsely believe that once they divorce, somehow all their problems will go away. In some cases, the divorce fighting become worse.
When married, if you have a difference of opinion you work it out one-way or the other. At best you’ll compromise. At worst you’ll fight until someone gives in but either way, you figure it out.
When divorced, a difference of opinion can land you back in court if you don’t have a solid conflict resolution plan in place. This sort of plan is best hashed out during your divorce to help resolve future disputes.
Like so many divorced people with kids between them I too have had so many of these encounters that I’m starting to lose track. It isn’t easy. At this rate, I’ll probably lose about eight minutes off my life!
So what’s the answer? How do you stop the fighting?
Although John and his ex do have a conflict resolution plan written into their divorce agreement, it still is costly.
Theirs says that if they cannot come to an agreement concerning an issue, they go to a mediator for up to three sessions. If an agreement still cannot be reached, they must go to family court.
John is a regular working guy and neither he nor his ex can really afford to go this route every time they disagree so they usually just keep fighting
.
Well, John desperately needed a change from the madness so I suggested he call a truce.
Look, the divorce fighting is eating away at you. I can see how stressed out you are so why don’t you try treating each other as you would any stranger you met at a cocktail party or even on the street? Maybe if you are at least polite and respectful to one another, the fighting may lessen and your problems may be easier to handle.
Seems reasonable, right?
We all know how to smile, say please and thank you. We all know how to wish each other a nice day. So why does that everyday common courtesy so often go out the window with our exes? Is it because the emotions are still raw, even years later? Is it because we know exactly which buttons to press?
So John and his ex agreed to treat each other as they would any stranger on the street. Believe it or not, this would be a huge step up for them. I mean they were both really sick of the constant mean divorce fighting.
They agreed to a truce and since they were now officially on ‘better terms’, she immediately asked him for a few favors.
Had he made a mistake? When would the take, take, take attitude end?
Well, he did just say that he would try this truce out and someone has to take the first step so he fulfilled those favors in the hopes of a new and more peaceful future.
I have to admit I felt a bit used. I mean the words about calling a truce were barely out of my mouth and she asked for three favors! Well, I was the one who wanted this and I did say I would try so... whatever.
I saw him about a week or so later and asked how it was going. John said,
I have to tell you that without a doubt I definitely felt a lot less stress almost immediately. Seriously. It used to be that I would totally tense up and my breathing would literally restrict at a mere email from my ex. I’m not kidding, my chest would constrict because I knew any message from her was likely the start of another fight! Now I feel like I can breathe again.
The fortunate timing of school’s end helped their plan along.
The truce had been declared mid June and they were now faced with the wide-open promise of summer.
The kids were in camp and the fighting was soon a distant memory. There was little to no reason to communicate with each other for the entire length of the summer so he felt pretty good about how well their decision had been going.
What a great summer!
Then school started again...
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/al-corona/divorce-fighting-does-it-_b_12400778.html?utm_hp_ref=life-after-divorce
Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child
Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass).
The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life.
Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.
Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”
The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.
In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.
Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.
UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary.
Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself.
Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about.
“The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.”
Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.
In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act.
Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child.
From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”.
The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.
Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour.
A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide.
If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.
In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said.
Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.
“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.”
Case study – Robert (not his real name)
“I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.
“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.
“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.”
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
Winston Churchill
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Maria Robinson
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
Anais Nin
One of the most common questions people ask me via email is how to become more of an optimist.
So this week I’d simply like to share three habits that can help you to get started with that. I use these myself just about every day to stay optimistic in pretty much any situation.
It may sometimes take a while before I find an optimistic thread of thought but these three habits usually help me to do it.
1. Ask yourself questions that let you see the optimistic viewpoint.
When I’m in what seems like a negative situation my most common way of making something better out of that is to ask myself questions that promote optimism and helps me to find solutions.
Questions like:
- What is one thing that is positive or good about this situation?
- What is one thing I can learn from this situation?
- What is one opportunity within this situation?
These questions are not something that I can always use right away. Sometimes I need some time to process and accept the feelings and thoughts that arise.
But after a bit of time, when those thoughts and feelings have mostly passed, I ask myself one or more of these questions.
2. Get optimistic support from the world around you.
One of the most important factors if you want to be able to stay optimistic are the influences around you. Optimism is – just like enthusiasm – contagious.
So find ways to create an environment that supports you.
- The people in your life. Try to spend more time with optimistic people and less time with people who seem to always be negative about things. Positive people will support you, add upbeat energy and can help you to find a constructive change in perspective when you have a situation that is bringing you down and when you are just making a mountain out of a molehill.
- The information you let into your mind. One of the simplest things you can do to create and support your own optimism is simply to regularly read blogs and books and listen to or watch recordings created by optimistic people.
3. Start your day in an optimism creating way.
The way you start your day often sets the tone for the rest of it.
A stress-free morning leads to less stress and better focus during your day.
A work out early in your day leads to more energy throughout the day.
And optimism while you are eating your cereal or traveling to work or school can help you to stay positive and constructive as you go through the ups and downs of your day.
Three practical ways to get this good start is to:
- Read or watch something optimistic or funny for 10-20 minutes during your morning.
- Have an uplifting conversation over breakfast or early in your day.
- Listen to a motivating audiobook or podcast as you ride the bus, your bicycle or while you’re walking somewhere.
Source: https://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-become-an-optimist/
How to turn away from the dark side.
I have always been a bit of a pessimist. I generally expected the worst and and didn’t trust it when something good happened. In my early twenties I met two people who changed my life, both of whom were optimists. These people wore rose-colored glasses, saw hope and promise in every situation, and seemed to generally feel happy. Given my negative nature, I immediately saw the flaws in this approach to life: they will be disappointed and hurt frequently and they will overlook their own mistakes. But in time, I grew to respect them and envy their sunny and positive approach towards life. I wished I could be like that but I didn’t know how to become that way.
It took a lot of work and required almost constant vigilance on my part. I would quickly find fault in something and then need to search for the good aspects of a situation to negate my own negativity. I often had to ask myself what they would do or say in the situation—how they could possibly make lemonade out of the rotten lemons that were all that I saw. It felt wrong and stupidly positive sometimes to find the good in a situation when I saw only the dark and negative side of it. But with time, I noticed that it became second nature to see both the good and the bad in a situation and I was surprised by how freeing it was.
I was also surprised by how much I needed to be able to see both my own good and bad characteristics—how important it was for me to be able to recognize that there are things that I am good at rather than to excuse those things as being “just luck” or something that “anyone could do.” Even now, as I type those words, they cause a certain amount of anxiety for me—to say that I am good at something for fear or disappointing myself or others, but it also feels strangely exhilarating. I also realized that others need to hear positive feedback and the importance of balancing the good with the bad when giving students feedback, when helping someone through a tough time, or when trying to make sense of the bad things that have happened in life.
Don’t get me wrong, at times I still dip down into pessimism and find it hard to dig my way out. I have not entirely changed my “dark side” and it still rears its ugly head at times. But more often than not, I can see hope in difficult situations and if all else fails, comfort myself with the idea that things usually work out in the end even if they haven’t gone the way that I planned them to. The most surprising thing is that although I clung to my negativity for dear life and thought that it provided protection, I find that I need protection less than I thought that I did and that the optimism somehow “fits” better than negativity did.
So how does one become an optimist? We always say that an old dog can’t learn new tricks, but clearly that saying was coined by a pessimist!
1) Notice your negativity. Listen to what you say and how negative it is. Track your thoughts on a daily basis and notice the negative assumptions and conclusions that you draw. Identification of your negativity is essential to change.
2) When find yourself saying something negative, think of something positive to say even if it doesn’t “ring true” to you at the moment. If you are habitually negative, seeing the sunny side is going to feel false and Pollyannaish at first. That is okay. You can’t expect to change overnight.
3) If you identify a negative thought, write it down. Next to it, draw a column for the evidence supporting that thought. Then draw a column for the evidence that argues against the thought. You will be great at identifying evidence supporting the negative thought and struggle with the evidence against the negative thought but with practice this will come easier.
4) Search for positive aspects of situations. Your team lost the Superbowl this year, but at least you got to watch the game with your friends and had some delicious food. You lost your job but this gives you the opportunity to find a better job and you wouldn’t have taken that opportunity otherwise. Most situations can be seen in both a positive and negative light. You just have to find the positive one and keep reminding yourself of it in order to eventually believe it.
5) Think of someone you know who has a positive outlook on life and ask yourself what that person would do or think in particular situations. Then try to think that way too. This is a way of using others’ optimism to internalize it and make it a part of you.
6) Give others positive feedback. Even if someone has done something poorly, there has to be some aspect of it that is good. If you can find this, your view of the product will be more positive and the other person may feel encouraged to continue.
7) Give yourself positive feedback and notice when you discount it by saying that “anyone could have done this,” “it really wasn’t anything special,” “it’s only because I got lucky/worked hard.” These are excuses that you use to push off the positive feedback, usually because pessimists feel uncomfortable with good things and often fear disappointing others by acknowledging their own strengths. Deal with the anxiety and just say thank you if someone (including yourself) gives you positive feedback.
8) Identify the purpose of the pessimism. Does it provide protection against disappointment? Does it help you not to get hurt? Do you think that it helps you to plan for possible challenges? We often think that pessimism and worry are helpful but this is not true and we would handle the disappointment, hurt, and challenges even better if we were not bogged down by anxiety and negativity. Run some experiments to see whether the negativity is truly serving its purpose? Do you never get disappointed or hurt? Are you always prepared for challenges? If the answer to these questions is “no” that means that the negativity and worry are not working for you. It does not mean that you need to become more negative or worry more. Trust me on this one.
9) Take the risk of being positive and see how it feels. Try it on like you would try on a new pair of shoes. And just like new shoes, it may need some breaking in to really fit. But with time, optimism will start to fit like a glove.
10) Practice, practice, practice. It has taken me years of work on this and I still sometimes dip into pessimism. It took you a long time to learn negativity and will take you a long time to learn optimism.
With time and practice, you will notice that you can teach an old dog new tricks and that the old dog may become a little less anxious, depressed, and grouchy and a bit more warm and sunny over time. And who doesn’t like a happy dog?
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-worry-mom/201204/becoming-optimist
The space of time sandwiched between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can bring unique anguish for people whose children have become alienated from them through a high conflict divorce.
Parental alienation happens when a child becomes enmeshed with one parent, strongly allying himself or herself with that parent, and rejects the other parent without legitimate justification. These children are encouraged by one parent, the favored parent or alienating parent, to unjustly reject the other parent, the targeted parent. The children can fall prey to the alienating parent’s tactics as a means of escaping the conflict.
According to psychiatrist Dr. William Bernet, professor emeritus of Vanderbilt University and a researcher into the phenomenon, “Almost every mental health professional who works with children of divorced parents acknowledges that PA—as we define it—affects thousands of families and causes enormous pain and hardship.” (Parental Alienation, AACAP News, Sept 2013, pp. 255-256.)
Bernet and other researchers refer to eight criteria for diagnosing parental alienation, including a campaign of denigration against the targeted parent, the child’s lack of ambivalence, frivolous rationalizations for the child’s criticisms against the target parent, reflexive support of the alienating parent against the target parent, the child’s lack of guilt over exploitation and mistreatment of the target parent, borrowed scenarios, and the spread of the child’s animosity toward the target parent’s extended family or friends.
These criteria sound academic but their effect is exquisitely awful in the most human and primal way. The child basically constructs an alternate reality where the parent is some kind of monster. There’s no longer any sense of the parent as a human being with the ordinary nuances of the gray scale, or as a good-enough parent; the parent’s actions and statements are twisted, distorted, and massaged to “prove” that the parent is unworthy of contact.
Children will adamantly maintain that they themselves have compiled their list of rationalizations for the parentectomy in progress. This is called the independent thinker phenomenon.
For a parent who would willingly give his or her heart or liver to a beloved child who needs it, it’s a nightmarish turn of events. The pain is surreal, and it’s frequently heightened both by outright viciousness on the child’s part and by the child’s complete lack of remorse about the way he or she has treated the targeted parent. The child feels entitled to demonize the targeted parent and justified in doing so, and therefore entitled to behave with extreme nastiness toward the parent.
Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, one of Bernet’s research colleagues, writes about seventeen primary strategies used by the alienating parent to foster conflict and psychological distance between the child and the targeted parent.
These include poisonous messages to the child about the targeted parent in which he or she is portrayed as unloving, unsafe, and unavailable, such as, “your mother is a rage monster who shames you”; erasing and replacing the targeted parent in the heart and mind of the child, “you can trust mommy, she doesn’t judge and malign you like daddy does”; encouraging the child to betray the targeted parent’s trust, “how bad was daddy this weekend?”; and undermining the authority of the targeted parent, “your mom’s rules don’t apply, you don’t have to listen to your mother, do whatever you want.”
The targeted parent can feel bewildered when witnessing the alienating parent’s strategies, because the distance itself is so unthinkable. It doesn’t feel real in the context of a history of a normal loving relationship with a son or daughter. It’s shocking and heart-rending when those toxic tactics succeed. “Alienation occurs when one parent gives the child permission to break the other parent’s heart,” Baker notes.
Older children can be particularly eloquent and cutting in their reasons for rejecting a parent while simultaneously insisting that the parent has rejected them. A parent trying with the greatest love to effect rapprochement can find older children completely recalcitrant.
“They must choose between the pain of self-inflicted alienation and torture on the one hand and the hard work of life: working it out with people with whom you should work it out. Free will. It is their choice,” said one psychiatrist. But do they even know they have a choice, after having basically been brainwashed to despise a parent?
In an extensive program of research, Baker has found that children exposed to the 17 primary parental alienation strategies and those who become alienated suffer in the long run, as do their parents. “To turn a child against a parent is to turn a child against himself,” she says.
Some groups oppose the concept. Some advocates of victims of domestic violence and child abuse claim that there is no such thing, that children reject a parent only when the parent has been abusive. Dr. Richard Gardner, a psychiatrist who formulated a specific theory of parental alienation syndrome, was roundly criticized. To this day, parental alienation per se has not been incorporated into the DSM-5.
Fortunately, thanks to the efforts of Bernet, Baker, and colleagues, the spirit of parental alienation recently made its way into the DSM, even if the exact term “parental alienation” has not. There are now diagnoses that reflect the mental illness of this terrible phenomenon, in particular parent-child relational problem and child affected by parental relationship distress.
Of child affected by parental relationship distress, Bernet writes, “It is an important new diagnosis used ‘when the focus of clinical attention is the negative effects of parental discord (eg, high levels of conflict, distress, or disparagement) on a child in the family, including effects on the child’s mental or other physical disorders.’”
To study this sad phenomenon and to educate the public, Bernet founded the Parental Alienation Study Group (PASG). PASG is an international, not-for-profit corporation with about 220 members – mostly mental health and legal professionals – from 32 countries. PASG members are also interested in developing and promoting research on the causes, evaluation, and treatment of parental alienation.
For a targeted parent, it can help to know that there is support. In addition to the PASG website, there are several books, some good ones written by Baker herself. There are therapists and coaches who can offer compassionate support and strategies for responding to the alienating tactics without becoming engulfed in anger or despair.
Alienation can last for many aching years but reconciliation is a possibility. There’s no making up the lost time, but the parent sometimes is found again.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/traci-l-slatton/lost-parents-when-high-co_b_7400462.html
Depression can be debilitating and is very different from just feeling unhappy. Usually, there is a reason for unhappiness such as being rejected or not getting the job you wanted. Depression is a pervasive feeling. It’s almost as if you are in a black tunnel with no light. Hope disappears and the things you used to find enjoyable become a chore. Even winning the lottery would not snap someone out of depression and it is never a good idea to tell someone who is depressed to sort themselves out and pull themselves together.
Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple, but there are ways to alleviate the symptoms of depression.
1. Practice Mindfulness
A depressed mind tends to mull over all that is wrong and worries unnecessarily about all the negative possibilities that may emerge in the future. This negative thought cycle reinforces misery and is not helpful in managing to overcome depression. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and is a skill that needs to be practiced. More often than not, our brains are full of thoughts and focusing on the present moment seems unnatural for our minds. Practice on engaging your senses in the moment. Focus on touch, taste, sight, sound and smell. Engaging the senses leaves less time for worry.
2. Listen to Upbeat Music
I have always thought of music as food for the soul. An upbeat tune can change an atmosphere instantly and create a more positive vibe. Listening to upbeat, happy music alters brain chemistry and can improve your mood.
3. Use Touch
Science shows that touch therapies can help some people overcome depression, lower the stress hormone cortisol and increase the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Therapies to consider include acupuncture, acupressure, massage, reiki and reflexology.
4. Include Omega 3 Fatty Acids in Your Diet
Research has shown that depressed people often lack a fatty acid known as EPA. Participants in a 2002 study featured in the Archives of General Psychiatry took just a gram of fish oil each day and noticed a 50-percent decrease in symptoms such as anxiety, sleep disorders, unexplained feelings of sadness, suicidal thoughts, and decreased sex drive. Omega-3 fatty acids can also lower cholesterol and improve cardiovascular health. Get omega-3s through walnuts, flaxseed and oily fish like salmon or tuna.
5. Stop the Negative Self Talk
Depressed people tend to see the world in a negative way. When things go wrong they blame themselves and when they go right, they put it down to luck. Depression reinforces self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Monitor your inner negative talk and make allowances for this type of thinking by reminding yourself that your thinking is that of a depressed person, not a healthy functioning person. Don’t take your thoughts seriously when you are feeling low. Acknowledge the thoughts but this doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Keep perspective.
6. Bide Your Time
Accept that your mental state is not entirely balanced. During depression, we tend to see the negatives in everything and find it harder to be balanced about what is going on. Gently remind yourself that you are tuned into the ‘negativity channel’ and don’t listen to your thinking. It is definitely distorted when you are depressed. This idea alone can provide some comfort when the world appears bleak. It won’t last forever. Remind yourself that change is constant and that you won’t always feel this way. Be patient and do your best to look after yourself in the meantime. Eat well and get a decent amount of sleep. Say to yourself “This shall pass”.
7. Distract Yourself
If possible, do your best to distract yourself from over thinking. Your thoughts are your enemy when depression sets in. Play with a pet or go for a walk. Read a book if you are able to concentrate or finish a puzzle. Do anything that takes your mind off your fears and worries. Keeping busy is an effective way to overcome depression.
8. Use More Light
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is known for causing low mood over the winter months when there is less sunlight. Invest in a sunlamp – a 300 watt bulb within three feet for 20 minutes three times a day can help. SAD symptoms can include problems sleeping, anxiety, depression, irritability, fatigue, apathy and loss of libido and using light can help to overcome depression and these other symptoms.
9. Try Cognitive Therapy
Cognitive therapy can be extremely useful in counteracting depression and is based on the principle that certain ways of thinking can trigger certain health problems, such as depression. The counselor helps you to understand your current thought patterns and identify any harmful or false ideas and thoughts that you have that can trigger depression or make it worse. The aim is to change your ways of thinking to avoid these ideas as well as help your thought patterns to be more realistic and helpful.
10. Write in a Journal
A journal can work in two ways. Use it to write down fears and worries. Sometimes, having an outlet in this way can be soothing and ease your mind. Another good way to use a journal (I prefer this way) is to write at least five things down every day that you are grateful for. This forces us to think more positively and can help to remind us that things are never that bad. In a gratitude journal, you can write about anything that happened in the day that made you feel appreciative. A stranger smiling at you, the sun shining..anything positive will do!
11. Connect with Friends
This can be one of the hardest things to do when feeling depressed but it is one of the most rewarding activities. Force yourself to go out. Isolating oneself from others may seem a good idea but put a limit on it and then get out there again. This can have a huge positive effect on your mood.
12. Get Enough Sleep
Sleep and mood are closely connected. Inadequate sleep can cause irritability and stress, while healthy sleep can enhance well-being. Studies have shown that even partial sleep deprivation has a significant effect on mood.Take steps to ensure adequate sleep will this will lead to improved mood and well-being. The quality of your sleep directly affects the quality of your waking life, including your mental sharpness, productivity, emotional balance, creativity, physical vitality, and even your weight. No other activity delivers so many benefits with so little effort so aim for between 7.5 and 9 hours sleep per night.
13. Forgive Others
When we hold a grudge, we are the ones that feel the anger. The person whom we are angry with is probably merrily going about their business completely oblivious to your feelings. Don’t allow others to have this power over you. They have may have caused you grief in the past, try not to allow that grief to continue – it only affects you, not them. Find a way to forgive – they are not worthy of your time. Lighten the emotional load and you will improve your mood and help you to overcome depression.
14. Exercise
Regular exercise has benefits for helping to overcome depression. Exercise releases endorphins which improve natural immunity and improve mood. Besides lifting your mood, regular exercise offers other health benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, protecting against heart disease, cancer and boosting self-esteem. Experts advise getting half an hour to an hour of moderate exercise, such as brisk walking at least three to four times per week.
15. Don’t give up
Depression can make you want to hide away from the world and disappear. It’s okay to take some time out but give yourself a time limit and then do something productive to improve your mood. Depression can be well managed (I know this from personal experience) and there can be a wonderful life beyond depression. Hang in there and keep the faith.
Although the above suggestions can be effective, depression that perseveres should be investigated further and seeing a Doctor to chat over any symptoms is a step in the right direction.
Source: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/fifteen-simple-ways-overcome-depression-and-sadness.html
