January Break-Ups: How to Cope With the Early Stages of a Break-Up or Divorce

There are numerous research studies out this month that show that January is the boom month for relationship break-ups. Apparently if you are married there is a one in five chance that you have considered breaking up this month.

For some it has been planned for January as they could not face breaking up before the festive period which is traditionally a time for families. I have already seen a spike in enquiries for my help, advice and support from people who have had the break-up thrust upon them by their ex and are trying to come to terms with what it all means and what happens next.

Having been through both a divorce and also total heartbreak after a two year relationship I am no stranger to how to deal with the ups and downs of breaking-up. I combine my own personal experience with 17 years of coaching and now help people all around the world to cope with the end of their relationships.

So what is the cold hard truth about what happens in the early days of separation? Is it really that bad? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it all doom and gloom. Just what can you expect over the next few weeks and months?

Well in the early days there is the denial and the grief that comes with losing someone close to you. You have been used to them being there to talk to and lean on and suddenly you find yourself facing life without them. It can feel extremely lonely and the change can be scary. Whilst the experience is an emotional one it can manifest itself as what feels like a real physical, and at times quite exquisite, pain.

However this phase will pass as you learn to replace the gap in your life with a different way of thinking. It is up to you to make the decision to take control back of your life and get back to being happy again. It may seem like an uphill struggle from where you are standing now but I assure you if you take little steps each day using my techniques you will get there sooner than you think.

You see even if you loved them more than anything and are looking back at all the wonderful parts of your relationship the truth is clear: they were not the right partner for you.
If they were they would still be with you and you would be happy and feel secure and loved in your relationship. So it is time to remove the rose tinted glasses and start to focus your mind on the less positive things about your relationship. Don’t get carried away romanticising about the past - it’s time to get a grip if you want to move forward quickly.

You may find it difficult when you find yourself doing things that you used to do together. A good way to relieve some of that pressure is to make some changes and do things differently. Simple things can make a big difference such as shopping in a different supermarket or driving a different way to work. It may be living in the same house on your own now is tricky for you so move the furniture around and put up new photos around the house. Start wearing a new colour or try out a different look.

Remember a break-up is not just the end of your relationship - it is also the start of a new phase in your life. Whilst there will be some highs and lows to deal with you also have the chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be. I work with my clients on writing a Bucket List of things that they can now do in their lives that they never thought they would be able to. Try it! Dream big and remember anything goes from travelling to Barbados, writing a book or even sex with someone new! It will help to get you excited about the future.

Take some time to work out what you want your new phase of life to look like and think about the areas you would like to change or improve on. Schedule in some fun too - you may not feel like laughing right now but laughter is a great medicine and even short bursts will boost your mood so plan in some things you enjoy doing.

I have released a brand new app this month called “7 Steps to a Better Break-Up”and it is free to download from App Store or Google Player. It talks you through how to cope with your break-up and how to keep moving forward and speed up your recovery process. If you take the time to work through the exercises you will end up with your personalised Action Plan which will help you to keep positive and maintain momentum with feeling better and creating a compelling future for yourself.

Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good upbeat friends and family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you even if it seems a long way off right now. Sadly there is no magic wand to take away all the pain immediately however there are things you can do to help feel better right now. By using my techniques and strategies you can speed up your recovery and start to see a brighter future for yourself becoming a reality.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/coping-with-break-ups_b_6442692.html

Column: Shared Parenting is what's best for children

Jason McLean, an attorney with Gjesdahl Law in Fargo, penned a letter in Sunday's Forum regarding HB 1392, the shared parenting bill.

The bill reflects social science evidence, which finds that children's best interests are served when each fit, able and willing parent is involved at least 35 percent of the time with the children. The scientists who publish these outcomes stake their professional reputations on factual interpretation of research data.

The bill states the divorce/child custody process will begin with a presumption of 35-50 percent time with each parent, reflective of the best child outcome research. It's important to understand a presumption does not mean shared parenting is a requirement. The bill attends to situations in which this isn't in the children's best interests, as is written in current law.

McLean takes exception to the word presumption in the bill. Presumption, as defined in Webster's New World College Dictionary: "Law the inference that a fact exists, based on the proved existence of other facts." Seems like using scientific evidence, the children's benefits of spending at least 35 percent of the time with each parent, is a pretty good reference for "other facts."

Having recently witnessed the current divorce process, it is nearly perfectly designed to generate and encourage conflict between divorcing parents, and inflict emotional and financial harm to the parents. In this divorce case, once the process accomplished what it was designed to do, and attorneys and the parental investigator were finished, the two parents now co-parent very well, respectfully and courteously, with the children's best interests above all else. They do so despite the process, not because of it.

This bill changes the divorce focus to the children. In most cases, both parents are fit, able and willing. Divorcing couples will be directed away from battle, and encouraged to understand that each parent should be involved with the children. Attorneys, parental investigators and courts will be guided in the same direction. The incentive to initiate the divorce process with fault-finding and finger-pointing will be redirected to focusing on cooperative parenting. The emotional and financial costs of most divorces will be reduced.

Just as did McLean, I, too, would like to leave readers with two sets of numbers: 15-0 and 71-21. The House Judiciary Committee, having heard the for and against arguments for the bill, including McLean's against argument, recommended "Do Pass" 15-0. The full House of Representatives voted 71-21 to pass the bill. The members of these bodies understood this bill is for the children and the parents. Please lend support and inform your senator you understand that children fare best when both parents are involved.

Source: http://www.inforum.com/opinion/4226908-column-shared-parenting-whats-best-children

Lessons I Have Learned Post Divorce

Today I am reflecting on some of the lessons I have learned during and post divorce.

Happiness is a choice

This may seem obvious to some of you, but when you are caught up in a continual cycle of drama you may not be able to see that removing yourself from a negative situation is your choice. I have learned to remove myself from negative people and negative situations that don’t have a positive impact on my life. In nearly all situations I ask myself “does this make me happy?” or “do I feel good about this?” if the answer is “No” then it’s not something I pursue. You can use the ‘joy or annoy’ method! Bin the things, situations and people that annoy, keep the ones that bring you joy.

Forgiveness is required to move forward

Right now this may seem impossible for you and admittedly I still find it hard to fully forgive my ex and his (now) wife for turning my world upside-down and putting me in a very difficult situation. Not only did their actions affect me emotionally and mentally, being coerced in to bankruptcy and denied rights to an equal divorce has continued to affect my life and financial situation for nearly 5 years.

However, I am reminded of the quote “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“ ~ Buddha. I must accept that I will never receive an apology for what they put me through and that by holding on to resentment, the only person getting hurt is me!

The UK legal system is flawed

Maybe I didn’t select the right representation or maybe I was just a small fish in a big pond. If my solicitor had told me right from the start that I would get nothing from my ex due to my bankruptcy then I NEVER would have pursued him to pay my mum back what she was owed from the house. If I had known that he would come after my business/livelihood and that legally he was entitled to, I would have taken steps to protect it and myself. All in all it was a costly and emotionally damaging exercise where he kept everything and my mum only received a fraction of what she was due. I received nothing and still owe my dad for the cost of the divorce. If I could turn back the clock, my choice of solicitor and route to divorce would be completely different. My advice would be; do some research, select the right route to divorce for you and if going down the route of using a solicitor, choose someone you feel comfortable with.

Psychopaths exist outside of the movies

I have dated a psychopath, post divorce, and believe I may also have married one. I believe no decent human being would act in a malicious manner to intentionally hurt a vulnerable person.

It’s ok to ask for help

I fought for ages about seeking professional help. My defense was “I’m fine!”. On reflection, the early days of the split were when I needed help the most, over 4 years on I believe that this lack of professional help in the early stages has impacted on how I deal with my emotions now. Go get help and don’t be embarrassed about it!

Stress is a choice, depression is not

I choose to be self-employed, therefore I can choose whether to be stressed about work, deadlines or life in general. It is in my power to keep stress at a minimum level. For years I thought I thrived in stressful situations, procrastinating on projects and leaving it to the last minute to meet the deadline as working under pressure produced the best results... or so I thought! Having tried to lose weight for over 4 years and consistently putting it on, I am beginning to understand (and be educated on) the impact of stress on the body. Having been diagnosed with depression and ignoring this diagnosis I am now bigger than I have ever been, EVEN THOUGH I eat well and have 3 personal training sessions a week and complete my step goal each day. I have drastically changed some habits to reduce my stress levels and I am working on others. I may just have to succumb to the idea that all though mentally I feel ‘fine’, my body is telling me that I am depressed.

Acceptance is key

In order to move forward you must accept what has happened and learn to find peace with it. Some people may say ‘things happen for a reason’. I used to HATE it when people threw this cliché at me, but now I find myself saying it to others in times of emotional turmoil. I have accepted the role I played in the end of my marriage and have accepted that in order to have a happy life I must follow my own advice and forgive those who have caused me hurt.

Money isn’t everything

Going through bankruptcy alone and living off a small wage was a lesson I would never have wanted to learn in a million years! I was a high flyer in marketing, loved shopping and home-making... But shit happens and I dealt with it, day by day. I am still tarnished with the ‘bankruptcy brush’ as I can’t get a mortgage or write a cheque or get a credit card, but it has taught me that the important thing in life is not how much money is in the bank but how much love there is around you. My family, friends, pets and my home are among the MOST important things to me and I am truly grateful to have them in my life.

Choose your friends wisely

I learned very early on after my split that there are some friends who will be there no matter what, they’ll give you the truth even if it hurts because they care - hold on to them and don’t let them go, and there are some friends who stick around because they a) feel guilty b) are nosey c) love drama & gossip - avoid these at all costs! Delete them from social media, no need to be nasty or cause further drama, just be aware of who in your life makes a positive impact and who doesn’t.

Finally - Embrace change and all the lessons life throws at you!

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-hall1/lessons-i-have-learned-po_b_14705708.html

Is Divorce a Career Killer for Mums?

Well, you’ve heard it said once and many times over - divorce is like a death.

So many losses are involved including the future you had once dreamed off. You life’s direction takes a turn that you didn’t plan for and you really don’t know what lies ahead.
You get to see that there are indeed life events that are capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attacks are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years on and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

Her “new” appearance was easily noticeable to us parents because Mrs Blake-Harrington, let’s call her that, was always very presentably dressed with an air of collectedness and coolness about her.

It turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (both under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left. 

Mrs Blake-Harrington, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents who lived outside London...never to return.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

My own divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated albeit in the same profession - child therapy. I had two children and no family around to help. 

I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one full-time job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them and this reflected back on the successes they achieved post-divorce.

However, and I hope they don’t mind me saying this, these successes were short lived as after a while, they both were burned out having not taken time off to deal with such huge life events. Today they are both working in different fields.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself. I had to do something. I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing and editing entirely on the topic of divorce and separation.

I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer? Will it be yours? It certainly was mine for a while there, but not anymore.

During divorce, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them. You day to day life is affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off. Do ask for help, take it and accept it when it is offered. Ok, that’s more than one but they hey.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly and make better decisions and judgments as to which way to go next. This is no time to be a warrior woman.

Grieve if you need to but don’t stay there forever.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.
It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/divorce-women-careers_b_6592282.html

10 Empowering Tips For Re-Entering The Workforce After Divorce

What distinguishes a divorced mom from any other applicant as she re-enters the workforce is that she is either in the midst of crisis or in the wake of a crisis. In the quest to find a job or clients and customers for herself, she will compete with people who are feeling settled and happy or, perhaps, wide-eyed 20-somethings newly out of college and grad school. She will compete against women who do not have the responsibilities of caring for children. She will compete against men.



In terms of preparing myself as I joined the ranks of competitors in the depths of the recession, I read many articles that dealt with resumes, cover letters, and interviews. And these were full of suggestions not without value. I would recommend reading all you can. However, I got most bogged down in the part that involved me, as an individual, reimagining my future as my world completely dissolved.

This step of envisioning where you want to go and who you want to be, takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength that is lost on those who are not in the wake of, emotional trauma.

To find that internal footing from which to launch yourself, try the following 10 tips to boost your sense of empowerment when re-entering the workforce after divorce:

1. Be “unrealistic!”: 

As your new life unfolds, there may be numerous opportunities to crashland in "reality." However, I would say to try to allow for opening up wide to the potential of your future as you explore your options. Do your best to prevent hemming yourself in by "realism." We must be philosophers and question What is reality anyway? People around you may say things like, "Oh, don't expect to go back at your old salary." They may grimace and frown and say, "At your age you will bump into agism." People say all kinds of depressing things that would seem to hem us in and hold us down as they project their fears onto us. Try to have your imaginary shield up for this kind of thing and don't create an artificial box for yourself and think you are somehow limited before you even begin. Try to allow for infinite possibility, and even happiness, in your new work life.

2. Be a legend in your own mind: 

Because you are "starting over again," there is a wonderful opportunity to completely change your career direction. Just because you were a project manager before having kids doesn't mean you have to be one now. Are there any latent dreams you've had about becoming a milliner and running a cottage industry online somewhere like Etsy? Have you always wanted to sing? Again, as in Tip 1, try not to limit yourself too quickly (if at all) by brushing aside any dearly held dreams. Sure, you may have to get the proverbial day job until you launch something else, however this is a golden time in your life to reinvent yourself. Write down a list of all the jobs you saw yourself doing when you were a child. Write down the jobs that other women have that, when you ponder them, make you just a tad jealous or create a sense of longing. What does your heart long for in terms of your professional world?

3. Be Wonder Woman: 

So much of what we end up doing in the outer world begins with a series of thoughts we have. If our inner dialogue is fearful and cautious, we might accept sub-par job offers thinking that we have to grab the first thing even if it isn't right for us. Even if you are the most passive woman on the planet, picture yourself not only as confident and proactive but with several super powers to boot. Have fun with it.

4. Cast your net wide: 

College applicants are told to apply to three tiers of choices: their "reach" schools, their 2nd choice schools and their fall-back schools. Think of your job search in a similar way. Even if you don't get the advertised position, the HR person might pull your resume for a different opportunity.

5. Take aim like Artemis: 

In addition to being a superhero, imagine you are a powerful woman in mythology who goes after what she wants. Imagine a job as a bright red apple and you drawing back your golden arrow. Focus on what you want. Know what excites you and makes your heart say YES!and then take aim.

6. Have a multi-pronged strategy: 

Yes, you should look at job listings and send resumes. However, try other approaches as well. Walk into a business and talk to the people there. Invite a manager to have coffee with you for an informational interview. Go to job fairs. Be creative.

7. Don't fret over your resume: 

Heresy, right? Of course you must have a resume. However, odds are your resume won't be the thing that gets you the interview or the job. If working on your resume is the bogeyman that prevents you from moving forward with your job search, begin by setting up a Linkedin account at Linkedin.com. You don't have to complete it to have a presence on Linkedin. Just get your name and a brief description of your industry and past job experience so you can begin to build your contacts base.

8. Believe in your technical skills: 

Try not to confuse your comfort level with your true ability. When the job description says, "Must be Microsoft Word proficient," it does not mean you have to be a Word genius. It just means you need to have worked on Word. Are you comfortable with computers? Maybe not. But that does not mean you should limit yourself from applying to a perfectly good job. Many community colleges have cheap or free classes on basic skills for computers.

9. Network like a mother: 

This is most likely how you will find a job. Use Linkedin. Use your friends. Use your family. Use professional associations. This is how it is done. Connections. Use your superpowers to gain courage and start the power lunches.

10. Have vision: 

Picture what you WANT your new life to look like in 5-10 years and hold tight to that vision. Finding a job--or settling on a career path--may take longer than expected and, at times, feel frustrating. It is important to draw upon your inner resources and who you really are--or who you can be--when life isn't cooperating yet. Know what you really want the outcome to be deep in your heart. The road may be long, but you CAN get there.

Source: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/10-empowering-tips-for-reentering-the-workforce-after-divorce

6 Things Every Divorced Parent Should Put On Their "Stop-Doing" List

Dear Kids,

I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.

You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.

Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.

1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.

There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.

I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.

The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.

You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.

Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.

Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.

2. I will stop ignoring myself.

A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.

The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.

I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.

However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.

While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.

I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.

3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.

I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.

And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.

So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.

4. I will stop keeping score.

Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.

As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.

I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.

I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.

I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.

5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.

When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.

Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.

When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”

6. I will stop making negative comparisons.

There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.

I’m sorry for that.

When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.

Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.

From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.

I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.

Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.

Love you always,

Your Parent

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D

6 Things That Keep You From Moving on After Divorce

You say that you want to move on, putting the divorce behind you and getting on with your life. You claim that you want to feel better, to stop crying and start living. Perhaps you even announce that you’re over your ex and that you’re ready to start looking for someone new.

Yet that desired progress isn’t happening.

The life you envision isn’t unfolding and instead, you find yourself stuck. Anchored in the muck and mire of the divorce. Not a member of your old life, yet not yet fully living in your new one.

It’s easy to make excuses for why you can’t seem to move on. You’re angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to be written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anaemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.
But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it’s easier to say, “I can’t move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)” rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.
So, here is your metaphorical slap across the face. This is the advice you’ve needed to hear, but your friends and family are too nice to say it. But I’m not your friend. I’m someone who has been there, done that and now makes the T-shirts. I’m okay with making you a little angry if it helps to make you better.

I’m also not going to tell you to “get over it.” I find that phrase insulting and shortsighted, only uttered by people who have never felt a certain depth of pain or who prefer to bury it rather than address it. But even though there are some things you don’t just “get over,” you don’t have to let them hold you back.

If you’re having trouble moving on, you’re probably doing at least one of these things wrong.

Forgiveness

My response to people encouraging me to forgive was one of indignation. How could I be expected to forgive? He deserved all of the wrath I could send his way and then some. How dare someone tell me I should let that go?

But they were right. By refusing to forgive, I wasn’t hurting him. I was hurting me. I was allowing myself to be a prisoner to his actions and allowing them to dictate my feelings. Forgiving him was a gift of peace to myself.
Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. It acknowledges the wrongs and then wraps them in compassion and acceptance. Forgiveness is an inside job, quietly accepting the apology you never received.

Forgiveness is a difficult road. But you’re worth it.

Grasping

When we lose everything, it is human nature to grasp onto whatever remains. And, often in the case of divorce, what is left is the pain. And so we hold onto that pain, claim it. Own it. Defend it. Even feed it.

That pain can become our identity. I remember how I would receive care and kindness when I was hurting, yet would be comparatively ignored when I was not. It’s tempting to stay in pain, to allow others to continuously nurture our wounded hearts.

But is that really what you want? To be the hurt one? The weak one? To be so determined to lay claim to your pain that you do allow anything or anyone else in? Releasing that pain is strangely scary. It’s willingly loosening your grip on your past and trusting that you’ll land safely.

Let go. It’s worth it.

Associations

Do you have triggers that are like a time warp to the past, pulling you back to moments of agony and anxiety? I do. In fact, I would say this has been my greatest challenge — learning to respond from the present and not from the past.

Even though some healing is passive, slowly softening with the passage of time, triggers are often more resistant. They take repeated attention and deliberate action to remediate. Triggers and associations are not inevitable; you can retrain your brain.
It takes work. But you’re worth it.

Replication

One of the most difficult parts of divorce is that at the same time you’re mourning your past and present, you’re also grieving the loss of the future you thought you would have. Maybe you’re lucky and you’re life is relatively untouched. Or, maybe you’re like me and you were left with only the clothes on your back.

Regardless of your situation, it is important to not try to recreate what you had. You’ll fail. My situation was unusual in that I never spent time in a decaying marriage. So, after he left, I stated I wanted to same thing again (well, without the bigamy and hidden life!). Only there were two problems with that. First, I would always be disappointed because no person and no relationship would exactly fill the shoes left behind from the first. Secondly, I was no longer the same person and so my desires and needs had shifted.
Just because something is different, does not mean that it is worse. Rather than fight against change, learn to be grateful for the hidden gifts within.

Just because your future isn’t the one you wanted, doesn’t mean you can’t make it beautiful.

Dream it. And then do it. You’re worth it.

Isolation

This is more of a problem for us introverts, but anyone can fall sway to the call of isolation after divorce. We’re wounded and often ashamed, wanting to hide our vulnerabilities from the rest of the world. Our self-esteem may have taken a blow and further rejection is too scary to risk.
It seems safer to tuck away from prying eyes until the new skin has formed over the exposed rawness. Safer in the short run, perhaps, but deadly in long term. When you isolate yourself, you lose out on the important perspective provided by others. Your social anxieties grow, making future connections even more difficult. And perhaps worst of all, you give up on the support that others can offer.
It’s scary to put yourself out there, to risk being hurt or rejected. But connection with others is what life is all about. You’re too special to hide.

Take the chance on opening up to others. It’s worth it.

Self Care

This is often the biggest struggle for single parents. You may now bear the sole burden of your children’s well-being and so you push your own care to the side. You know that your oxygen mask comes first but no parent can watch his or her child suffer while standing by.

But part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach your children how to take care of themselves. If all they see is you sacrificing yourself for others, they will emulate that in their own relationships. It is okay to be both a parent and a person; they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Furthermore, in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to be the best person you can be. And that means taking care of yourself and your needs. Make your diet, your exercise, your sleep and your social time a priority.

You’re worth it.

You can move on. The bindings holding you back are the excuses kicked up by your own mind. And they only keep you bound if you let them. Moving on doesn’t happen when the calendar cycles to a certain date or when a certain event transpires.

Moving on occurs when you take the responsibility to make it happen.

Just because there are some things you don’t simply “get over,” it doesn’t mean you have to let them hold you back.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/6-things-that-keep-you-from-moving-on_b_5155943.html

What Makes for Successful Co-Parenting After Divorce?

Ten key principles that enable the children to flourish

Whenever parents seek advice about helping their children adjust to the fallout of divorce, they are, more often then not, instructed about what not to do rather than provided with useful ideas about how to behave in a positive manner to the benefit of their children. They are typically told: “Don’t put your children in the middle of conflict between you and your ex”; or, “Don’t badmouth the other parent.” Although such advice has its place, it nevertheless assumes a deficit perspective in relation to divorcing parents, and overlooks parents’ good faith efforts and capacity to do the best for their children, given a little support. Many such prescriptions also fall short in regard to offering concrete, practical steps that parents can take to enable their children to not only cope with the divorce, but flourish in its aftermath.

The following principles are offered in the spirit that parents have the strengths, capacities and abilities to help children through the difficult transitions attendant to divorce, and will be able do the best for their children with concrete, practical support. It is the responsibility of service providers and support networks to support parents in their quest to address their children’s needs during and after divorce. What we expect of others, they endeavor to provide: if we expect divorcing parents to be responsible and act in their children’s best interests, and provide the supports to enable them to do so, they will act accordingly; if we expect them to fail, they will fail.

Although there is no “typical divorce” and no “magic formula” for ensuring positive child and family outcomes, and every child and family are unique, there are some general principles for successful co-parenting that apply to most, if not all, divorcing families:

1. Be there for your children, both physically and emotionally. Quantity of time matters; quality relationships are not possible without sufficient routine time to develop and sustain those relationships. But although quantity of parental time is necessary for successful child outcomes, it is not sufficient: children also need their parents to be emotionally present, engaged and attuned, taking an interest in all aspects of their lives and actively involved in their day-to-day routines.

2. Talk with your children about the divorce. Above all, children need to know that they will not be abandoned, physically or emotionally, by either of their parents. Reassure them by first of all creating a safe environment for the discussion, and a safe way to express their feelings of shock and confusion, self-blame, fear, grief and sadness, anger, or guilt. Recognize that divorce is a long-term process for children, not a one-time event, and be prepared to have several such talks. If possible, talk with your children together as parents, reassuring them that you will cooperate in the future.

3. Let children be children. Don’t involve children in adult problems; rather, maintain continuity in their existing routines and relationships, and shelter them from the struggles that are properly the responsibility of their parents.

4. Support the other parent’s role and relationship with your children. The idea is to maximize and optimize the time that your children can spend with each of their parents. It is extremely difficult for parents to be at their best when having to parent under duress, and when having to deal with a co-parent who is less than supportive of their role and relationship with their children. You can support each other as parents by keeping to the co-parenting schedule, remaining flexible in accommodating each other wherever possible, and moving from a place of conflict and antagonism toward that of cooperationas parents. A big part of this is to separate your previous hostilities as a couple from your ongoing co-parenting responsibilities.

5. Speak about and act in a respectful manner toward the other parent, especially in front of your children. Conveying an attitude of respect toward your co-parent is vital to children’s well-being, and shielding children from conflict is essential. There are few things more damaging to a child than witnessing conflict between parents, and ongoing conflict cuts to the heart of a child’s well-being, as a children see themselves as essentially half their mother and half their father. Keep this at the forefront of all interactions between you and the other parent in front of the child.

6. Wherever possible, maintain open communication channels with the other parent. Open and regular communication is the key to cooperative parenting. If this is not possible, then phone calls, emails, or stockpiling concerns to be discussed at periodic “co-parenting meetings,” with or without a third party present, are good alternatives. If you are unable to communicate without resorting to conflict and recriminations, a parallel parenting plan in which co-parenting arrangements are spelled out in a detailed agreed-upon schedule, is another effective option.

7. Maintain your child’s community of support. Essential to children is the security of maintaining existing relationships and routines with extended family members, friends, school and other activities. This adds to children’s sense of stability, continuity, and predictability in their lives.

8. Educate yourself about children’s needs, co-parenting options, and community resources. Shared parenting offers parents an almost infinite variety of co-parenting scheduling possibilities commensurate with children’s ages and stages of development, and can be tailor-made to children’s and families’ unique circumstances. There are a variety of web-, print-, and community-based resources (including divorce education programs) for parents to access.

9. Seek out formal and informal sources of co-parenting support. Family members, friends and informal support networks are vital in helping parents work through difficult feelings, including anger management, and the multiple challenges and transitions attendant to divorce. More formal sources of support also span a wide array: therapeutic family mediation focused on the development and implementation of co-parenting plans, divorce coaching and parenting coordination in high conflict situations.

10. Maintain your own health and well-being as a priority. Taking care of yourself is essential not only for your own but your children’s well-being. Your children depend on you, and you owe it to them to prioritize your own physical, emotional and mental health. For parents struggling in the face of systemic barriers to co-parenting: never, never give up.

Above all, it is critical to keep in mind that the two most important factors in children’s successful adjustment to the consequences of divorce are the maintenance of a meaningful routine relationship with each of their parents, and to be shielded from ongoing parental conflict. The challenge for parents is to develop and maintain a co-parenting relationship that ensures that both of these essential needs are met. The challenge for both professional service providers and informal support networks is to support (and not undermine) parents in the fulfillment of their responsibilities in regard to these needs of children in particular.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201411/what-makes-successful-co-parenting-after-divorce

Grandparents Affected by Adult Child Divorce

Responding to the trauma of grandparental alienation.

The importance of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives is a subject now being studied widely and thoroughly. Although researchers point to a wide heterogeneity of grand-parenting roles, for many children and their grandparents, the grandparent-grandchild attachment bond is an important component of their self-identities and a significant factor in their everyday lives. For many kids, this bond is a critical ingredient to their optimal development. The salience of the grandparent-grandchild attachment does not diminish during and after divorce; indeed, grandparents often play a vital role in helping grandchildren adjust to the consequences of parental divorce, providing a sanctuary for the emotional needs of their grandchildren at a time when parents, faced by the multiple losses and transitions attendant to divorce, may be less emotionally available and responsive to their children.

One of the lesser-mentioned advantages of co-parenting after divorce is that it can strengthen children's relationships with both sets of grandparents. One subgroup of grandparents, however, those whose adult children have been affected by parental alienation, are highly at risk of having their relationship with their grandchildren drastically altered if not completely severed. Although prevalent in North American society, such “grand-parental alienation” is rarely a source of professional discussion or concern, even among those who study or practice in the realm of parental alienation. For grandparents and children alike, where the previous relationship involved a good deal of emotional investment and healthy attachment, its loss may eventuate a grief process containing all the major elements of bereavement or trauma which is likely to have profound consequences.       

What are the responsibilities of divorce professionals in regard to the post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationship? Many have suggested that family mediators and post-divorce family practitioners need to expand their definition of the post-divorce family system, widening their target system of intervention from the nuclear to the extended post-divorce family. Family mediators and practitioners may also strive to engage both sets of grandparents, adopting an inter-generational model of practice with the post-divorce family. Such a model assumes that given the opportunity to participate in the divorce and post-divorce therapeutic process, grandparents are more likely to become important resources in both in the therapeutic endeavor and as supports to children adjusting to the consequences of their parents’ divorce. Grandparent involvement needs to be reframed in a positive manner, particularly in those cases where residential parents view grandparent contact as a threat to their new post-divorce identity.

The new roles and relationships that need to be negotiated in the extended post-divorce family should also extend to grandparents and extended family members.  This entails the recognition that grandparents are in a unique developmental stage with tasks that need to be addressed in conjunction with learning the new post divorce family rules. The therapist must assess the position of the grandparent in the family constellation both before the divorce and in light of the changes required in the post divorce family system. As well, factors such as the health status and age of the grandparents must be considered as they may limit the type and quantity of involvement with grandchildren. Grandparents and grandchildren must be given the right of self-determination in deciding how involved they wish to be with each other and other family members.

Family practitioners and mediators need to ensure that they provide assistance in helping grandparents negotiate their new roles as well as assisting them in regard to their ongoing relationship with their grandchildren. Excluding grandparents from mediation and post-divorce therapy may in fact exacerbate or even create intergenerational conflict. Family practitioners need to assist the entire kin system to develop new family guidelines as they learn to cope with the impact of divorce and subsequent impact on intergenerational relationships.

Family practitioner attitudes toward the involvement of grandparents vis-a-vis post-divorce family issues should be carefully examined, particularly in light of children’s needs and interests. It is only when mental health professionals begin to address the needs and advocate on behalf of the involvement of grandparents in divorce and post-divorce practice that we should begin to see increasing numbers of grandparents initiating requests for help. To date, the alienated grandparent population has remained largely invisible to post-divorce family practitioners and mediators.

An overriding concern of many grandparents today is that of access to their grandchildren. How can we begin to address their concerns? One approach is to empower grandparents in relation to access to their grandchildren. This can be done not only by therapeutic means but also by educating parents regarding the salience of grandparents to the child's emotional well-being during and after divorce. When adult children are divorcing it is imperative that the family be encouraged to seek out mediators who are sensitive to the needs of the extended post-divorce family system.

Family practitioners, mediators, and legal professionals are in a position to have considerable impact on post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationships. By embracing the concept of the extended post-divorce family system and adopting a multi-generational approach in post-divorce work, these groups will serve to empower those grandparents whose relationship with their grandchildren is vital to both parties. As we recognize the salience of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives, both before and after divorce, the necessity of actively advocating on behalf of the grandparent population at the point of family divorce, particularly those grandparents who are most at risk of alienation, is critical.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201703/grandparents-affected-adult-child-divorce

Toxic Relationships

Sometimes you can see a toxic relationship heading your way like a bullet train and at other times they creep up on you so slowly you are unaware you are in one until it’s nearly impossible to get out. Most of us have experienced – or are currently in – one or more toxic relationships. We question how they can be avoided and maybe even if we are the toxic person. We may also ponder why, after experiencing past negative toxic relationships before, we continue to draw them into our lives, or why we are continually vulnerable to their lure by Mr. or Ms. Toxic Agent.

The many faces of toxic relationships

Toxic relationships have many faces; they pop up in both our personal (parent-child, siblings, friendships) and occupational (supervisor-employee, coworkers) lives. You know the type – you lend a family member money, or a co-worker your car; or you care for their children while they go on vacation hoping they will one day return the favor. Unfortunately the toxic person doesn’t pay you back, returns your car damaged with no offer to repair it and asks you to watch their children again next vacation without ever offering to watch yours. It doesn’t happen once, it happens repeatedly in different forms. You feel hurt, taken advantage of and angry – at the offender and yourself. Bottom line is: you are consistently being brought down. You feel “used.”


Past negative time perspective and the toxic relationship
The tendency to unconsciously seek out toxic relationships frequently starts with past negative experiences when we are children and might carry on throughout our lives. They can become so deeply ingrained in the way we think and feel that we don’t realize we are steeped in toxicity until—or hopefully when- someone else points it out. The toxic person in our lives (and maybe it’s us), is generally concerned about themselves and their needs; the relationship is classic codependent. The worse form is when that other is your partner or mate, supposedly there forever!

How so?

Generally in a toxic relationship you don’t bring up how you feel; maybe you don’t want the person to be angry because they hold some sort of power over you, or you are holding on to the dream that one day they will wake up, realize their transgressions and make good. And if you do mention their offense, it’s likely to be a backhanded use of passive-aggressive behavior that only you recognize—so it is ineffectual in changing anything for the better. In a follow up column we’ll delve into passive aggressive behavior and time perspectives. But for purposes of this column, we’ll use the following examples of weenie retaliation in toxic relationships:

What you say: “Wish I had the money to fill in the blank, but I don’t.” (present-centered)

What you meant: “Because you never paid me back that money I lent you!” (past negative)


What you say: “Know of a good auto insurance company because my insurance premium just went up.” (present-centered)

What you meant: “Because you crashed my car and wouldn’t own up to it!” (past negative)


What you say: “We can’t go on that couples retreat because we can’t find a babysitter.” (future negative)

What you meant: “We watched your kids for two weeks but you won’t even offer to watch ours for two days!” (past negative/future negative)

Again, unfortunately, you wish they would pick up on the faux pas but they act like they don’t know what you are talking about. Here are examples of what you might have said to help correct the situation:

“Hey, I think it’s a good idea for us to set up a plan for you to pay back that money I lent you; unless you have it now.”

“How are you planning on paying for the damage to my car?”

“We are wondering if you could watch our kids for a couple of days so we can go on a couples’ retreat. We’d really appreciate it.”

You will open a dialogue to a possible resolution. And if not, you’ll know for sure where you stand in the relationship and make future positive plans to move on.

Five signs you’re in a toxic relationship

In our research for this column, we discovered that author Yvette Bowlin  distilled the myriad indicators of toxic relationships into the following five signs:

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right– The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.

2. Everything is about them and never about you – You have feelings too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person – Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
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4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person – You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change – Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good.

Five steps to end a toxic relationship

So how do we get out of toxic relationships? We’ve pared down Borchard’s steps to ending toxic relationships and put our time perspective spin on them:

1. Step out of denial (review past negative behaviors) - Are you energized or drained after spending time with X? Do you want to spend time with X or do you feel like you have to? Do you feel sorry for X? Do you go to X looking for a response that you never get? Do you come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Are you giving way more to the relationship than X? Do you even like X?

2. Identify the perks (discover how you feel in the present) - All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a (toxic) comfort level?

3. Fill the hole (practice selected present hedonism) - Find alternative sources of peace and wholeness - nourish yourself. In other words, do things that make you feel better and in ways so that you don’t have to rely on others. For instance, revisit that project you put on the back burner, learn meditation or yoga, call friends, and remind yourself that you won’t feel this way (sad, angry, upset) forever.

4. Surround yourself with positive people (be pro-social) – Hopefully these folks are working on their boundaries as hard as you are; they aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. Be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

5. Heal the shame (replace past negative with a bright future positive) – Work toward healing the part of yourself that may be attracting toxic relationships. This may mean exploring past toxic relationships, forgiving yourself for the part you played and realizing that you deserve the right kind of love and attention in order to create a brighter future for yourself.

Let go of the negative past and give love permission to enter your life

Let go of toxic relationships – the past negative people - and experiences and focus on the good things – the past positive experiences; makes plans for a brighter future, and live a fulfilling and more meaningful present.

We leave you with one of our favorite quotes:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”
by Maya Angelou.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201308/toxic-relationships