In its simplest terms, divorce means separation. You’re splitting up. You’re breaking up. The two of you have made a decision to disconnect, detach and distance yourself from each other. But what about the relationships you have formed with other people because of your marriage? What happens if you don’t want to sever those ties? In other words, when it comes to divorce, what do you do if your in-laws dump you?
I’m not trying to be funny by saying this, but often times, if you can’t stand your in-laws, your divorce suddenly has a plus side. Think about it. You never, ever have to go out for lunch or brunch or dinner with them ever again! But, what if you actually like your soon-to-be ex’s family and friends, and they basically tell you to lose their number?
When I got divorced, my ex-husband’s entire family stopped communicating with me. I seriously have not spoken a word to any of them, other than an occasional “hi” in passing at one of my children’s sporting events.
At the beginning, when we first got separated, I kept waiting for a phone call.
“We’re really sorry this is happening,” I thought they’d call and say. Or, “Is there anything we can do?” Or even, “We don’t want to get involved, but we just want to let you know we are thinking of you during this difficult time.” Nothing. I realize now just how naïve I was.
I was the bad one, in their eyes. I was the enemy. I was ending my marriage to their son, their blood. I was the witch. The devil.
The things is, I don’t expect anyone’s in-laws to side with the non-blood relative, and I don’t expect them to be best friends with him or her. But, in my case, when I was married, my ex’s family was really nice to me, so to go from feeling like part of their family to being completely dismissed without a word was very hard, and it deeply hurt me.
It made me wonder, is an in-law’s love all an act? Is it conditional love? When you get married, are your in-laws just taking you in as one of their own because of your marriage license?
I actually know a person who told his family that he forbid them to speak with his ex, and they obeyed. Someone else I know was told by her ex-sisters-in-law that she was prohibited from attending her ex-mother-in-law’s funeral, even though the ex and her ex-mother-in-law were still really close, and the woman would have wanted her there. There is also a guy I know whose ex-mother-in-law will not even attend her own grandchildren’s birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to look at her ex-son-in-law. She’s so selfish that she’d rather miss the party (and hurt the kids) than show up and just be polite, regardless of her hostile feelings.
I think the families and friends of someone getting divorced need to be open minded, and think with their hearts, versus instinctively jumping to the conclusion that the person who is divorcing their loved one is evil and deserves to be dumped. No one knows what went on in a divorcing couple’s home. Even if it’s your very best friend, or your son, or your sister, you really don’t know. What you know is what that person told you. You have one side.
That said, being upset with the soon-to-be ex, and having feelings of hatred or blame or anger is acceptable and very understandable. But just for a second, remember that you took your soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law or son-in-law or daughter-in-law into your family. So, now that it’s over, do you truly want that person out of your life? Does he or she mean nothing to you?
What parents and siblings of divorced people should ask themselves is, “If I loved this person while my son or daughter or brother or sister was married to him or her, then don’t I love them still? Don’t I care what happens to them in the future? Or do I want to just dump them, take my loss and move on?”
So much depends on the circumstances, and each divorce is entirely different. If my best friend was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her, I would hate him, and I would not want to stay in touch. If, on the other hand, my best friend and her husband of 25 years were divorcing because they grew apart and wanted to go their separate ways, that’s a different story.
There are boundaries, of course. I have a friend whose sister is having drinks with and getting together with her ex-brother-in-law. I think this is unacceptable behavior and tells a lot about the sister’s character. In other words, it’s NOT okay. But, it IS okay to send a birthday card, or call someone if they are ill.
Not all divorcees get dumped by their in-laws. I have a really good friend who is very close with her ex-sister-in-law. They do things together all the time. I know a guy who just drove his ex-sister-in-law and her new husband to the airport for their honeymoon.
In closing, here’s my advice. If you get divorced, expect NOTHING from your in-laws. Then, you’ll never be disappointed or hurt. Let them come to you (or not come to you) thereby showing you their true colors. I think it’s okay to reach out one time, and maybe say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out, maybe tell them how much you care about them (if you do, that is) and how much you hope you can remain close. And then, you have to be done. You have to move on and accept the loss, just as you are accepting the loss of your husband or wife.
And the last thing is, if you run into them and they don’t say hi, make sure you say it. Smile and be friendly and kind. If they are rude, so what? No one ever went wrong with kindness.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/did-your-inlaws-dump-you-_b_3372060.html
You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.
Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.
One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.
So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again.
This pause to question whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.
Your struggle with how to be in a relationship again could quite simply be a fear of the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:
- You’re exactly the same person you were.
- Your new love interest is just like your ex.
Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.
And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.
Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)
So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.
Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!
Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.
Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.
So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.
Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/417-how-to-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart
Living apart for a while could ultimately keep you together for longer.
There are three main reasons why couples separate—as a step in the divorce
process; to gain perspective on the marriage; and the one I will focus on in this post, to enhance the marriage.
I am a big believer in the therapeutic value of a separation to strengthen the marriage if it's done in the right way for the right reasons, and if there are clear agreements from the start.
This separation can be done at any time and, indeed, is being done by more and more couples. Yet we still think something is "wrong" if couples live apart, and we usually see separation as something used mostly by couples that have reached the breaking point. They have usually tried various other interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track and are now at a place where there's nothing left to do but split up, physically separate, and, ultimately, divorce.
Rather than a means to an end, however, separation can be a helpful tool to stay together. This seems counterintuitive when a marriage is in trouble and relations are fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse slipping away from us, we should merge more, get as close as we can, and do more 'to make the marriage work."
The thought of creating distance at such a time instills a great deal of fear of losing control of your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially challenging if the bond between the two of you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But employed carefully and skillfully (and usually with some type of professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
Guidelines for an Enhancement Separation
Here are some thoughts on how to go about creating your own Enhancement Separation.
Get Third-Party Support. While some couples can do this on their own, I highly recommend seeking out some type of neutral third party to help facilitate this process. It can get tricky, especially if this is being done while there is currently some tension or problems between spouses. This can be a therapist, clergy, mediator, or lawyer.
Set Clear and Reasonable Expectations. Ground rules are a must to maintain a sense of trust between the parties. If one person expects to communicate every day but the other doesn't, this could cause hurt feelings. Knowing what to expect avoids this type of situation.
Know Your Goal. Don't assume that you both have the same goal. You both really need to agree that your intention in living apart is to enhance your marriage. Again, if one spouse thinks the separation is a step in the divorce process but the other thinks it's a temporary "time-out," this can cause a major rift in the trust between the two. Having the same goal in this exercise is particularly important in making it a successful exercise.
Maintain Regular Communication. Having no contact at all for an extended period of time may actually begin to hurt the marital connection. Instead of an "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality, it may end up being, "Out of sight, out of mind."
The average length of an Enhancement Separation is about six months, but some couples have enjoyed it so much, they continue it indefinitely.
Who Should NOT embark on an Enhancement Separation
There are some people for whom this tool will not work. It is crucial that each spouse is honest with themselves and honest with each other about why they are doing this exercise: If you or your spouse is trying to make the splitting up process gentler and easier, this is NOT the tool to use. If you don't intend to stay with your partner, the worst thing you can do is pretend to be interested in working things out.
If you are confused about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage, it's important to state that up front. It's far harder on your spouse's heart if you've led him or her to believe that you will be coming back fully committed to the marriage once the separation is over, only to find out later that you wanted to leave the whole time.
Those who have had repeated breaches in trust, or those who have a hard time trusting, should not try an Enhancement Separation. This exercise requires a great deal of maturity and it can raise more anxiety than it's worth for those who are dishonest or insecure.
An Enhancement Separation can be tapered specifically to your needs and your situation and can be implemented or rescinded at any time.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/can-temporary-separation-make-relationship-stronger
The breakup may be painful, but most kids adjust well over time
Many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce every year feel as if their worlds are falling apart. Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce.
Yet parents who split have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or, later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.
Rapid Recovery
Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer.
Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well.
Researchers have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict during and after a divorce are associated with poorer adjustment in children. The effects of conflict before the separation, however, may be the reverse in some cases. In a 1985 study Hetherington and her associates reported that some children who are exposed to high levels of marital discord prior to divorce adjust better than children who experience low levels. Apparently when marital conflict is muted, children are often unprepared when told about the upcoming divorce. They are surprised, perhaps even terrified, by the news. In addition, children from high-discord families may experience the divorce as a welcome relief from their parents' fighting.
Taken together, the findings suggest that only a small percentage of young people experience divorce-related problems. Even here the causes of these lingering difficulties remain uncertain. Some troubles may arise from conflict between Mom and Dad associated with the divorce. The stress of the situation can also cause the quality of parenting to suffer. Divorce frequently contributes to depression, anxiety or substance abuse in one or both parents and may bring about difficulties in balancing work and child rearing. These problems can impair a parent's ability to offer children stability and love when they are most in need.
Grown-up Concerns
The experience of divorce can also create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or adulthood. In 2000 in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein, then at the University of California, Berkeley, and her colleagues present detailed case studies suggesting that most adults who were children of divorce experience serious problems such as depression and relationship issues.
Yet scientific research does not support the view that problems in adulthood are prevalent; it instead demonstrates that most children of divorce become well-adjusted adults. For example, in a 2002 book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Hetherington and her co-author, journalist John Kelly, describe a 25-year study in which Hetherington followed children of divorce and children of parents who stayed together. She found that 25 percent of the adults whose parents had divorced experienced serious social, emotional or psychological troubles compared with 10 percent of those whose parents remained together. These findings suggest that only 15 percent of adult children of divorce experience problems over and above those from stable families. No one knows whether this difference is caused by the divorce itself or by variables, such as poorer parenting, that often accompany a marriage's dissolution.[break]
In a review article in 2003, psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance, people whose parents split when they were young experience more difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with adults from sustained marriages. On all other measures, differences between the two groups were small.
Bouncing Back
Even though children of divorce generally do well, a number of factors can reduce the problems they might experience. Children fare better if parents can limit conflict associated with the divorce process or minimize the child's exposure to it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is doing poorly. In the latter situation, the maladjusted parent should seek professional help or consider limiting his or her time with the child. Parents can also support their children during this difficult time by talking to them clearly about the divorce and its implications and answering their questions fully.
Other, more general facets of good parenting can also buffer against divorce-related difficulties in children. Parents should provide warmth and emotional support, and they should closely monitor their children's activities. They should also deliver discipline that is neither overly permissive nor overly strict. Other factors contributing to children's adjustment include post divorce economic stability and social support from peers and other adults, such as teachers.
In addition, certain characteristics of the child can influence his or her resilience. Children with an easygoing temperament tend to fare better. Coping styles also make a difference. For example, children who are good problem solvers and who seek social support are more resilient than those who rely on distraction and avoidance.
The good news is that although divorce is hard and often extremely painful for children, long-term harm is not inevitable. Most children bounce back and get through this difficult situation with few if any battle scars.
Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/
Though divorce is a difficult process, it can also be immensely freeing. For some, the logical next step will be to start dating again. For others, the very idea may seem terrifying or impossible. It is a complicated issue especially if you have kids, but it is still possible and can be fun. To help in making this possible, it is important to let emotions settle in your household and find ways to talk to your kids about it.
Seeking a new relationship
It is very important to understand that the process of seeking a new relationship after divorce is different for everyone. Some might be ready to date right away while for others it might take years before they feel ready to even contemplate the thought of it. Just because it happened one way for a friend doesn’t mean it will for you. Pay attention to your own emotions, and ask yourself why you want to start dating again. If you are trying to fill the hole left by your spouse, dating right now won’t be a healthy option. You need to be healthy by yourself before you can be healthy with another person in your life.
Here what you need to do before starting a new relationship after divorce:
1) Be ready emotionally
To make sure that seeking a new relationship after divorce is a good experience, make sure that you are emotionally ready to handle this responsibility.
You don’t want to be grieving over the loss of your old relationship while you are trying to foster a new one. Don’t be afraid to be picky as you look for someone new to date. You owe it to yourself and your children to make sure that it is someone who will treat you well and give you what you really need. If you are feeling a bit unsure about actually getting back into the dating game, try just making new friends first. Making friends can be fun, and if you find someone you like more than a friend, you will already have a friendship to help make your relationship stronger.
2) Pay attention to your kids
If you have children, you need to pay a lot of attention to their feelings and needs as you begin seeing a new partner.
Your kids have their very own grieving process to go through after their parents split up, and you need to respect that. Just because your kids don’t like the idea of you dating doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it ever again, but you should give them adequate time to get used to the new way that things work. Children often see a new partner as attempting to replace their other parent, and some of them may still hope that you will get back together with their other parent. Make sure that you children understand that things are final, and give them time to process it. As you move forward, listen to their feelings, and express your own.
As far as what you should tell your children about your dating life depends on how old they are. A younger child doesn’t need to know that you are dating until you are more serious about it while a teenager should be given more details because they are sure to notice that something is going on. No matter your children’s age, it is best not to bring your new partner around until you are very sure of them. A divorce is disorienting to children, and they need stability. If you are to break up with your new partner whom your children have grown fond of, this can be almost as painful as when you split with their other parent.
Your children probably won’t respond enthusiastically the first time that they meet your new partner. They may express anger and frustration in different forms like acting out in front of your new partner or even giving you the silent treatment. Give them time to adjust, and don’t try to force them into situations they are uncomfortable with that involve your new partner. You can require them to be respectful to your new partner, but you can’t require them to like your new partner.
3) Be honest and direct with communication
Honesty and openness are the fuel for trust; be direct while communicating with your partner. Be open about your expectations, what you wish from this relationship or share any other concerns that you may have. It is important to establish this right at the beginning of the relationship as it paves the way for a solid relationship. Remember, openness and honesty is the lifeblood of any relationship.
While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.
On another note, here are 3 things to completely avoid during the dating process:
1) Thinking all men/women are like your ex
Trusting a new person takes time, especially after you’ve been hurt by your ex. Yet, if you hold on to that distrust, you will destroy your chance of finding someone new. Learn to look at the new man/woman as an individual. Notice how different, kind, attentive they are towards you. Appreciate them for their unique qualities. If you still face trust issues, you could consider professional counseling or other methods such as the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which involves tapping on acupressure points. Be conscious of your issues and don’t be afraid to seek help.
2) Holding on to baggage
This one’s hard but not impossible. After all, we are what our experiences make us. But holding onto baggage never helped anyone. If only, it hinders our own progress and often makes us bitter about various things. Learn ways that will help you release the baggage; have an internal dialogue with yourself about what’s holding you back. Also, realize your own past errors in your marriage, take accountability and learn from them.
3) Saying no to plans
After thinking about everything, you’ve finally reached a place where you want to date. You may be doing so hesitatingly or may have your own apprehensions, which is normal, but be open to new possibilities. If nothing, you may just find a new friend. Remember every date does have to culminate into a relationship. You want to tread carefully, consider deeply before making any commitment. However, do stay open to new ideas.
While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.
Mark Radcliffe considers it an honor to date a divorced woman. Here’s why.
A female friend of mine got divorced recently, and confessed to me how much she dreaded now having the “divorced” label hanging over her head as she re-entered the dating pool, like some modern day version of the scarlet letter. That she, too, had failed to make it work, and men would recoil from her in disgust, running for the nearest 20-something as soon as possible.
But I for one, think being divorced can actually be a stamp of awesomeness to we men willing to look past the stigma. I think this experience actually means you’re a cut above your never-been-married friends. And here’s why:
1. You’ve experienced loss, and rebounded from it. You have courage, resilience, strength. That’s an attractive trait to men looking for a worthy partner.
2. Hey at least you dared to get married! You took a swing at love, rather than just playing it safe on the sidelines. You placed a bet in the lottery of life, and while it didn’t work out, you can dust yourself up and try again. Hell, even George Clooney couldn’t make his first marriage work.
3. You know it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong. And are maybe more willing to wait for the right guy than jump into something just to have a body next to you. You don’t feel “incomplete” if you’re not in a relationship, and are maybe becoming a better person each day that you’re on your own.
4. You now know (if you didn’t before) that love takes work. That it doesn’t just magically take care of itself, and float along in a some happy, pink cloud surrounded by unicorns and cotton candy. You know that both parties have to commit to supporting each other and making compromises on a daily basis. This, too, means you’ll have a more realistic and mature approach to your future relationships.
5. You had the balls (irony intended) to walk away from something that wasn’t working. You stood up and said, “No, I won’t stay in something that’s a lie.” And that means you have standards. Principles. And me, I like a woman who takes a stand. And isn’t afraid to face some public scorn in the process. Where others see “scandal,” I see strength.
6. Maybe you’ve recognized that you’ve made a mistake–either in your own actions, or simply by marrying someone else who was making a lot of mistakes. And that’s incredibly valuable for your future partners in life, because you’re clearly humble enough to accept criticism and question yourself.
7. You probably now have a deep knowledge of what sexually satisfies you (and what doesn’t). And that’s rare for women and men. And your future relationships will benefit significantly from that.
8. Maybe you were the one who walked away, and now know what “Mr. Wrong” looks like, so you’ll better able to spot “Mr. Right.” Your bullshit detector is now iron-clad, and you realize you don’t always have to “stand by your man.” Because a lot of guys don’t deserve to be stood by. You’ll be less likely to fall for bullshit more able to identify a true heart.
9. Or maybe you yourself realize you weren’t such a peach, yourself. That you have things to work on in your character, personality or attitude. But that willingness to accept fault is also incredibly attractive to the right guy. You’ve recognized you’re not perfect? Congrats, most of us never get there. We’ve got shit to work on, too. It’s nice to have some company.
10. You know what it’s like to watch love slip away, and you’re more able to keep it from happening again, to have the tough conversations that need to happen. Hell, maybe you can help us prevent us from losing our way, too, if we drift.
11. Because you look wonderful when you walk down the street alone, unafraid, cool and confident. When you sit at the bar with no one next to you, it doesn’t bother you a bit. You kind of even seem to be enjoying it. Which makes us want to be next to you all the more.
12. So you’ve got a few scars. They make you more interesting. You’ve suffered pain and loss, so you value joy and happiness more than those who’ve never lost it. You’ve experienced a wider range of emotion in life, and have a deeper appreciation for the highs & lows.
If you’re worried about the future, please don’t. Believe that your best years are ahead of you. Because there are those of us who find you all the more appealing for the battles you’ve won & lost. Who find you much more interesting and inspiring for having a few kinks in your armor and some stories to tell.
And maybe you’ll find one of us wanting to be by your side sooner than you think.
But, maybe you’ll be just fine without us.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/14-reasons-why-divorced-women-rock-gmp/
Even though it can feel like some kind of bad joke to be thrown back into the dating world after going through a divorce, we have to remind ourselves that we know what we are doing.
“What do you like to do for fun?” he asked as we sat side by side at a local bar, craft beer in front of us. This seemingly harmless question made me freeze.
The last time I was single, my pink Razor-phone was cool and social media didn’t exist. Now, freshly divorced and back out there, I was discovering that dating today meant mastering swiping and liking and selfies. It also meant having answers to hard questions like who I was apart from the life I had just spent years creating.
It was almost enough to make me miss being married.
Almost.
After a while, though, I realized that being divorced was actually a dating advantage. I hadn’t failed at a relationship; I wasn’t damaged goods. Yes, I hadn’t dated in over a decade, but I did have a hands-on education about what it took to be a good partner and about what I wanted in a relationship (and what I didn’t).
I knew what it was like to be in a relationship while navigating sick children and work schedules and the mortgage and job loss. And I knew that conversations about emptying the dishwasher and squeezing the toothpaste were never actually conversations about dishes or dental hygiene.
Understanding that made this phase of life far less intimidating. I was not a beginner, after all. Did I have to spend time exploring who I was now that I was single? Absolutely. But I also knew more than I did the last time I dated and this experience was going to lead me to create an even better relationship. Admittedly, I learned this the hard way.
But these lessons have now become the roadmap that I’ll follow to get to a new destination.
Your time together is valuable.
As any parent knows, making time for yourself can be difficult. When you’re married, you also have to navigate the added challenge of making time for your relationship. This is an area where many of us may have struggled when we were married. In the daily chaos of raising children and taking care of a house and working, time for ourselves and time as a couple is sometimes sacrificed to “get it all done”. This can have a devastating impact.
Now, as a divorced parent, if I am making time for another person, it’s because I’ve chosen to do it. Gone are the days of being a 22-year-old, single girl in a studio apartment with time to spare. On weekends when my children are with their father, I could be working, catching up on the laundry or tackling my never-ending “To Do” list – all things that make life as a working mom much easier. If I decide to spend some time with someone I’m seeing instead, it’s deliberate. I’m making the time for it. And I’m assuming that the person I am out with is making room for me, too.
Ultimately, this is a good thing. A relationship that starts with both people appreciating the sacrifices each of them has made to spend time together is one in which someone is less likely to feel undervalued. It’s also one in which both people understand that sometimes they have to put time together above the myriad of other tasks that ask for their attention each day. And that’s the kind relationship that’s more likely to last.
What you want matters, too.
I like to make people happy. Often times, that means I’m likely to put someone else’s needs or wants before my own. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I like to think that making people feel cared for is something that I do well. But in a successful relationship, there needs to be a balance between putting other people first and between putting your needs first.
I struggled with this while I was married and I think it’s common for mothers, especially, to do this. We often put ourselves last. There comes a point, though, where not being able to ask for what you want can have a negative impact. This is how resentment can build in relationships and how seemingly small issues become big issues.
So, now, when I someone asks me if I want to stay in and order pizza or go out for sushi, I know that it’s important to pick the sushi if I need a night out. Because it’s not about the sushi; it’s about making sure my needs matter, too, right from the start. And I’ll hope that he’ll respect me when I speak up, just like I would respect him if he did.
Good relationships are built on the needs of both partners being important.
This doesn’t mean never putting the person you’re dating first; it means finding a balance between both of your needs. Because in a relationship, if you always try to make the other person happy, no one will be.
Be vulnerable.
Being vulnerable does not come easily to me, but vulnerability is what allows us to form lasting connections to one another, so it’s important to try. When we don’t let others see us in our weaker moments, it can negatively affect the bond we share. Researcher Brene Brown has spent years exploring the importance of being vulnerable. “Vulnerability is not winning or losing,” she says in her book Rising Strong. “It’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” And it is one of the keys to lasting intimacy.
I admit it’s not easy for me to text someone first or be the one to suggest getting together. And leaning on someone I’m dating during more significant moments like when there’s a death in the family or when I’m experiencing a challenging moment at work is even more uncomfortable for me. This is the case for many of us, post-divorce.
Vulnerability can feel like a weakness, but we have to remind ourselves that it’s actually the place where our relationships grow stronger.
If you want others to be there for you, you have to give them the chance to show up. This doesn’t mean constantly sharing our life story with every guy we meet or becoming an emotional drain on others. But it does mean putting ourselves out there a bit more and being willing to let others really see us.
Now, while I’m dating, I’m trying my best to be more open, to have more courage and to take risks with my heart. It’s not easy, but I know that it’s essential to build the kind of relationship I want.
When people tell you what they want, believe them.
I dated my ex-husband for seven years before we were married. He kept saying he wasn’t ready and I kept waiting. (I know.) And in doing this, I overlooked things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve often found myself wondering if this is where it all actually began to fall apart.
I won’t make that mistake twice.
If someone I’m seeing says he doesn’t want a relationship or that he isn’t interested in dating a person with children or that he wants to be able to travel spontaneously, I listen. I don’t try to change his mind. I don’t get mad. I am grateful because it takes courage to tell someone what you want when you are dating. And knowing that a relationship isn’t important to someone else allows me to make different choices about my own life and what I choose to prioritize. Now, I know that when someone tells me what he wants, he means it. Because successful relationships happen when both people are in the same place.
Pay attention to the small things.
Like many women, I adore getting flowers, but having been married, I know that even smaller gestures can say more. Flowers are great. They are easy. They are beautiful. They can smooth over a multitude of issues. They are social media-ready (#blessed). And when you first start dating someone, especially after having gone through some tough times, they can be impressive.
But you know what is just as impressive? When someone goes out of his way to remember how I take my coffee. When he keeps Half n Half in his fridge, even though he drinks his coffee black, just because he knows I like it. Or when he turns up the thermostat to 65 and turns down the always-on television, without being asked, simply because he knows both make me more comfortable.
And this isn’t one-sided. I’ll leave the tomatoes out of the salad, or send a quick picture that I know will make him smile. Small gestures and small talk are the things that keep us connected to each other. This is why “How was your day?” is such an important question to ask the people we care about. Sometimes when a marriage ends, the first sign can be when we stop doing the little things; it’s when the small talk stops. So, this time around, I’ll look for a man who buys me Half n Half and flowers.
Even though it can feel like some kind of bad joke to be thrown back into the dating world after going through a divorce, we have to remind ourselves that we know what we are doing. We are not beginners. We have grown and changed and learned so much. And if we put this into practice, we can create the life and the relationships we want.
I was reminded of this recently as I was talking with a friend at a party. She, too, had been divorced but was now remarried.
“Marriage is even better the second time around,” she said. “Really.”
And I know why.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/dating-2/5-things-my-marriage-taught-me-about-dating-after-divorce-cmtt/
Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?
Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.
If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.
It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.
If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.
Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:
1. Denial of The Problem:
This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.
Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating.
2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:
You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.
It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either.
Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.
3. Feelings of Rejection:
It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.
Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated.
Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery
Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.
If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520
Is it unrealistic to think we can divorce and co-parent happily?
When Fran Drescher's new sitcom, Happily Divorced, debuted earlier this summer, I started noticing snippets and diatribes tisk-tisking Hollywood for sugarcoating the end of traditional marriages.
In her New York Times Magazine article, "The Divorce Delusion," Heather Havrilesky argues that the new cheery outlook on separation does audiences a disservice. "Stories of divorced couples peacefully co-parenting and becoming wonderful lifelong friends contribute to this expectation that, if we're not emotionally overachieving with a person who usually feels more like a mortal enemy than a soulmate, that means we're petty, unenlightened thugs of the lowest order," she says.
I'm usually the first to complain about Hollywood's unrealistic depictions of family life, but in a world where I still hear feminists talking about "failed marriages" and "broken homes" versus "intact families"--as if there is something intrinsically wrong with non-nuclear set-ups, well, I think there's something refreshing about the new sugarcoat.
The happy divorce might not be everyone's experience, but it's no delusion.
Conventional wisdom tells us we'll only be happier after a divorce if the marriage itself was a war zone. So I was surprised the other day to hear a friend admit that she'd (happily) left a spouse of 20 years simply because "I don't want to be married."
Wow, I thought. You can still do that?
She described her husband as good and supportive, but "we lacked a certain emotional and sexual connection."
Researchers warn us against walking out on married life without a dang good reason. A recent German study found that the level of life satisfaction among divorced adults didn't recover to pre-divorce levels even six years after the divorce. (Although this could be a better argument for never getting married in the first place.)
And a 2003 American study found that unhappily married folks were no happier after their divorce.
But many women beg to differ. And happiness studies aren't about averages--they're about exceptions. How do some of us manage move on gracefully? What makes some of us resilient? And how can the rest of us cultivate that resilience?
The reasons for a divorce can certainly soften the emotional blow. If one partner is gay, for example, as is the premise of Happily Divorced, well, "that's a get out of jail free card," says Candace Walsh, editor of the anthology Ask Me About My Divorce: Women Open up About Moving On.
But even when no one's coming out of the closet, she says, "the idea that you're unhappier after divorce is outdated, old-paradigm thinking. In my experience, staying in a marriage that my ex and I both agreed had all its best moments behind it was epically depressing. I and many of the women in my book talk about this immense sense of lightness and liberation which came with ending their marriages and starting fresh."
Contributor Samantha Waltz agrees. "I was much happier after my divorce," she says. "My husband had been very controlling and I literally felt like I'd been let out of prison. Colors were brighter, sounds sharper. My depression lifted. He was extremely critical of the children as well, and their self-confidence visibly grew when they no longer lived with him. My ex has worked hard to rebuild his relationship with them and be more accepting of them. That wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in the marriage."
That's not to say the transition is easy.
"I was in a difficult marriage, full of counseling and struggle, so in a way, my divorce was a relief just by virtue of being something different," says blogger Kristin Tennant. "But that doesn't mean I was immediately happy. There's a lot of destruction that has to take place before any reconstruction can begin, and that takes time and work."
Happily Divorced, it turns out, is based on Fran Drescher's real-life relationship with her gay ex. So maybe in real life the couple didn't continue living together, and maybe they went through a long period of anger and estrangement before they started sharing advice about boyfriends. But Drescher insists the two really are soulmates again--just a new kind of soulmates.
As Candace's father told her when she was in the midst of her own divorce: "The year after my divorce from your mother was the unhappiest year of my life. But the years that came after that have been the happiest years of my life."
The key to bouncing back?
"Move on," Candace says. "If you stay in the energy of the marriage or the divorce, you'll be less happy than if you allow it to get on with the next chapter of your life in a conscious, optimistic way. How? Seek out new experiences that will lead to new adventures. And make sure to prioritize therapy, exercise, and lots of good venting sessions with safe people who have gone through the same thing."
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-and-happiness/201107/the-happy-divorce-0
“The truth about marriage is that divorce is getting less common,” New York Times writer Tara Parker-Pope says in her newly released book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage” (Dutton, 2010). For a variety of reasons, “divorce rates have dropped sharply since peaking in the late 1970s,” she observes.
Parker-Pope frequently reports on current marriage research in the Times. Her book says that in recent years she has “interviewed dozens of the world’s top marriage and relationship researchers, and pored over hundreds of published research studies,” exploring “what science has taught us about lasting relationships and the complexities of courtship, love and marriage.”
Inflated divorce statistics can be harmful, Parker-Pope suggests. She is concerned that misleading statistics have “trained a generation to be ambivalent about marriage and divorce.” People are left asking, “If half of all married couples are getting divorced, what’s the big deal?”
Parker-Pope cautions that incorrectly understanding current divorce statistics may result in many people believing that “marriage is more fragile than it really is.” Believing that more people are destined to divorce than is the case could lead some couples simply to give up when problems occur in their marriages, she fears.
The “grim statistic” that 50 percent of marriages are destined to end in divorce has been repeated for years, “but that bleak prognosis doesn’t apply to most couples getting married today or even most of those who married in the last few decades,” according to Parker-Pope. The problem, she adds, lies at least partly in how divorce rates tend to be calculated.
Her book holds that “because so many variables in the marriage-and-divorce equation are changing, a simple calculation comparing marriages and divorces in a given year ends up distorting the result and suggesting that the divorce rate is higher than it really is.”
One factor in the overall divorce-rate picture is that couples today tend to marry at an older age than was the case in 1970, for example. Studies indicate that the “risk for divorce drops significantly when couples wait to wed until after the age of twenty-five,” Parker-Pope writes. She says an added benefit of marrying at a later age may be that “many of the weakest relationships are ending before a couple ever heads to the altar.”
It is true that couples married in the 1970s divorce at high rates, according to Parker-Pope. Then couples typically married “in their late teens and early twenties,” she states; statistics show that the 30-year divorce rate among these couples “is about 47 percent.”
But Parker-Pope finds that “people married in the 1980s and 1990s are getting divorced at lower rates than their counterparts married in the 1970s.” In fact, she says it appears that marital stability is “improving each decade.”
So, for Parker-Pope, today “the good news” is that “far more people are succeeding at marriage than failing.” She says research suggests that “far more than half of married couples today stay married.”
Nonetheless, she points out that “a sizable minority of marriages will eventually fail.” She notes, as well, that fewer people today marry at all.
The writer cautions that current statistics on divorce do not mean that marriage has become easy. Actually, Parker-Pope finds that contemporary couples “have far higher expectations of marriage than did earlier generations.” Social shifts have “raised the bar” for marriage in terms of the emotional fulfillment that is sought, the partnership and fairness that is desired, and the strong sense many spouses have that they ought to remain soul mates.
Source: http://www.foryourmarriage.org/the-truth-about-divorce-statistics/
Modern divorce is not about who was the meanest or who slept where. It's about the money. Both spouse's income and assets are -- or should be -- on the table. But couples don't always know a lot about each other's finances, or where to look. They might not even realize how much less they're worth, due to the squeeze on incomes and the housing depression.
Divorce rates fall during hard times because couples can't afford the split. But for people quitting anyway, the struggle ramps up. Here are 10 tips for getting the most out of a diminished marital pot:
1. Follow the money. If you don't know much about your spouse's finances, or aren't sure that everything is on the table, snoop. Any financial documents can be a clue to income or property: Online bank and investment accounts, life and homeowners insurance policies, payroll and retirement-plan statements, financial statements filed when you took out a mortgage, a copy of the will or trust, credit card statements, and tax returns (if you don't have copies of them, you can get joint federal returns for the past five years by filing Form 4506-T).
Assuming that you know your spouse's Social Security number, you can also get his or her credit report free online, at AnnualCreditReport.com. Unexpected debts or charge accounts might show up.
2. Dig into your spouse's business. Wholly owned businesses are notorious for shielding income from the IRS or from a spouse. Tax returns might not present a full picture of what the company actually earns. If a lot of money is at stake, hire a forensic accountant -- your divorce lawyer will know one. The accountant will press for documents that show more fully where all the business assets are and how much cash is floating around.
3. Protect your flanks. You'll need personal money to tide yourself over during the months it takes to reach a settlement. If your spouse hit you with the split by surprise, he or she is probably prepared, so you're at a disadvantage. Holding some money separately makes sense in any relationship. So do separate credit cards. Freeze an open, joint home-equity line and joint credit cards immediately, so your ex-to-be won't be tempted to run up extra debt. In "good" divorces, the freeze should occur by mutual agreement. In bad divorces, one spouse could be left without credit or access to cash.
4. Nail down any money you brought to the marriage. You can normally take inheritances and any pre-marital personal savings away with you, even in a community property state, as long as it stayed in your separate name. If you mixed it into the general pot of assets acquired after the marriage, however, it will probably have to be divided when you separate, in amounts depending on state law. You might get a larger settlement if you can show that your money financed the family business or your ex's professional education.
5. Go after the pension and retirement accounts. Individual Retirement Accounts, 401(k)s, and company pensions all have to be divided, although not necessarily in half. If you each have plans, both of them are up for grabs.
You can split an IRA with a written agreement, but you need a court-ordered Qualified Domestic Relations Order, or QDRO, to win part of a company plan. The QDRO should say what you'll get, when you'll get it, and how the value will be figured. The company has to approve the wording, to be sure that it follows all the plan rules. Otherwise you won't be paid, no matter what the divorce agreement says.
You'll need an expert to check the value of a traditional pension. If you can get only a future payout from the plan, you might want to trade it for more cash or property now. If your spouse has stock options, an excess benefits plan, or any other type of deferred compensation, negotiate for a piece of this, too.
6. Don't expect permanent alimony. A spouse with low or no income might get alimony, but awards are often not enough to support your current standard of living and are often for a limited time period. Judges expect dependent spouses who can do so to go out and get a job
Homemakers -- male or female -- sometimes think they'll do better coming into court looking "poor," says family law attorney Linda Ravdin of the Bethesda, Maryland, law firm, Pasternak & Fidis. All that does, she says, is to leave your ex free to argue that your potential earning power is, say, $80,000 -- and what does a judge know about it? You should get a better settlement if you can show that you've applied for jobs and will probably earn much less.
7. Fight for health benefits, when you don't have your own group plan.If your spouse carried the family coverage, you can usually stay in that plan, at your expense (or your ex's expense, depending on the agreement), for up to three years. Don't let these benefits (called COBRA benefits) slip away. You have to apply within 60 days of your legal separation or divorce.
8. Get tax advice right from the start, if there's a lot of money at stake.You'll want to know what any proposed settlement is worth after tax. There are lots of tricks. For example, say that the child lives with the wife, who takes the child to day care so that she can work. The husband might pay her an amount equal to the day-care cost in the form of temporary alimony. That way, he can deduct the payments on his tax return. The alimony is taxable income to the wife, but she can offset it by taking the child-care tax credit on her return.
9. Get financial planning advice right from the start. How much will you need to support yourself? Can you cover the cost of the house, if you take it as part of the settlement, or should it be sold and the proceeds divided? Is your spouse proposing to give you the risky investments while he or she keeps the safer ones? A good planner will help you think through these issues during the negotiation. One source of advice: The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts.
10. Put $$$ in your pocket by avoiding a battle with your spouse. In hard times, divorcing couples struggle for every dime. But the more you fight, the more of those dimes vanish in lawyer's fees. If there are no children and few assets, you can usually do the divorce yourselves, even if you're only speaking by email. Otherwise, try to reach a preliminary agreement before a lawyer comes into the picture. Consider a divorce mediation professional, or a collaborative divorce where couples and their lawyers agree in advance to bargain instead of going to court. For more information, check the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals or Divorcenet.com.
Divorce, unlike marriage, lasts until death you do part. It's important to get the agreement right.
Source: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/10-steps-to-avoid-losing-your-shirt-in-a-divorce/
Getting along with the in-laws is never easy but it could be the secret to a long and happy marriage, according to new research.
Husbands who enjoy a good relationship with their in-laws have a 20 per cent higher chance of avoiding divorce, an American study has found.
However, the opposite is true for women. Wives who get on well with their in-laws are 20 per cent more likely to split up.
According to researchers at the University of Michigan, women who enjoy the company of their in-laws may become too involved with their husband's family, to the point where wives believe their in-laws are meddling.
Men do not share the same worries, which could explain the discrepancy between husbands and wives.
Dr Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor who led the study, said it's a positive aspect of a relationship if men get on well with their in-laws because "these ties connect the husband to the wife".
However, women do not view relationships with in-laws in the same way, she said.
"Because relationships are so important to women, their identity as a wife and mother is central to their being," she said.
"They interpret what their in-laws say and do as interference into their identity as a spouse and parent."
She added that wives should be wary of sharing details of their marriages so that boundaries are kept in place.
The study at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research examined 373 same-race couples over a period of 26 years, beginning in 1986.
All the couples were aged between 25 and 37 and had been married for a year or less when the study began. Dr Orbuch has followed them throughout their years of marriage.
Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/in-law-relationships-and-divorce-2012-11?IR=T
Divorce is such an ugly word in the English language.
It has so many negative connotations.
And we’re constantly reminded of our marital status no matter where we go.
Go to the doctor and they’ll ask you the marital status.
Online, they’ll ask you your marital status. Single, married, widowed or divorced. Well, to me it’s either single or married. It’s nobody’s concern or business whether you’re widowed or divorced or separated.
All it does is reveal how you’re going to be judged.
Judged by people you speak with and literally judged by yourself.
I’ve been coaching people for almost 20 years now, and when a divorced person comes to me, they’ll always tell me how their marriage failed.
Well, their marriage did not fail. It wasn’t a failure. They actually tried to work and have a marriage, and that is not a failure. That’s an amazing, beautiful lesson that they had and shared with another person.
You had to bring that person into your life to learn more about yourself to understand the lessons that you needed to learn to make the changes that you needed to make in yourself to grow as a person. So, it’s just another step in the evolution of you as a human being living through the experiences of your life.
And that’s the first step in a successful divorce -
Recognize the beautiful lessons that were learned.
Embrace those lessons. Only after those lessons are fully embraced will you actually have a healthier relationship. The people who decide not to embrace the lessons continue to talk negatively about their divorce.
They go on to the next relationship that will repeat the same lessons again until they finally figure out that you need to really look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that you may or may not have caused in that relationship.
Now, for people who share children with somebody: children are not possessions.
They’re not negotiating tools or chips so you can get more child support or money out of an ex.
Children are beautiful souls who came into this world because two people brought them into it.
I have single mothers tell me, “I carried her or I carried him. Their father doesn’t deserve them.””I brought them into this world.”
And that’s a very narcissistic approach to parenting.
It’s all about them and not about the children that they brought into this world. Because it takes a mother and a father to equally raise the beautiful loving boys and girls into amazing men and women.
Depriving your child time with the opposite sex parent is basically sending your child down a rocky road to therapy and screwed up relationships.
When a child cannot have access or a substantial amount of time with their father and/or mother due to another parents’ control issues over the kids, it is basically just setting them up for future relationship issues when they get older.
When a child gets old enough, they will rebel and see the truth, and see how they were blocked karmically and energetically from spending time with their parents.
I’m seeing it with a lot of clients right now. Their mothers have controlled their kids. And now their teenage daughters are lashing out, literally having sex in the bathroom of school, and doing other things that are detrimental to the development of the child once they get into adulthood.
When a child can’t have a relationship with both parents, whether it’s a boy or girl, it’s going to lead to issues with their relationships in the future.
How do I know that? It happened to me.
It’s happened to the majority of clients I have counseled over the last 20 years.
But there’s a percentage of mothers and fathers out there who block their kids from spending equal time with the other parent. They do it based out of their own fears and insecurities.
They truly believe that they should not give up their child at all.
They believe that the other parent can’t do as good a job as them, but really what it comes down to is they’ve got major issues, separation anxiety and things they have not resolved in their childhood. So, they’re holding on to the one thing that they can control: their child.
Basically, not allowing the child to really have all the beautiful things that they truly need in their life.
These parents will always put themselves first.
And always claim they’re the best parents in the world because they don’t really want to look in the mirror.
The beauty of divorce is that it took two people to bring a kid into this world.
It took two people to create this magical being.
And it takes two people respect it, to bring this child up. So, for those of you who are controlling a child, blocking another parent from spending time with a child, maybe you should look really deep into your own issues and how this playing out in your life with your children and your ex.
Because you’re setting your kids up for future relationship failures, and I’ve seen it thousands of times.
You’re setting yourself up for a kid that’s going to rebel because eventually, all the control and all the dominating things you’re doing now is not going to work anymore when the kid gets older.
And they’re going to see the other parent because all they’ve done is just be about love and wanting to be with them with no control.They’re going to run right into the arms of that one.
I’ve seen it with many of my clients. So the key to a successful, happy divorce is what? It’s a means of working together, not control.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-secret-to-a-successful-and-happy-divorce_us_593316bee4b0649fff2119b3
