”Mom, are most divorced people like you and Dad, or do they usually hate each other?”
My son Caden and I are driving to a movie, just the two of us. Somehow, the other five children in our blended family are otherwise occupied, and we’ve ended up alone on a rare mother-son date. We’re both delighted - Caden for the one-on-one attention and me for the opportunity to hear what’s on his heart.
“I don’t know,” I say. “What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people hate each other.”
Caden keeps talking, cheerfully telling me about other kids in his middle school who act as their parents’ referees, message-relayers and peacemakers. He tells me about adults fighting on phone calls, kids anxious about custody exchanges, and friends who worry they’re clinically depressed. He’s in the seventh grade.
“Why don’t you and dad fight like that?”
I get this question often, though not from my children. Usually I get it from adults, looking for the magic reason my ex-husband Billy and I are friendly. Perhaps we had an easy divorce? No? There must be something unique about us, something that sets us apart from other divorced couples. The implication is that we are much too friendly to be a “real” divorced couple.
The truth is, there isn’t anything different about Billy’s and my circumstances. Our divorce was painful. We each hurt and blamed the other for our pain. We felt alone and rejected and as though we had failed life’s most important task - forming a family.
I tell Caden the truth. “Dad and I don’t fight because we decided early in our separation to make our divorce one wound.”
I can tell by the side-eye look he shoots me that he doesn’t understand, so I continue. Tween boys aren’t likely to ask additional probing questions, after all, and I want him to understand this.
“When we decided to end our marriage, we knew it would hurt the three of you. We knew it would be very hard for all of us. We also knew that we could hurt you once, and then each move on to finding our own happiness separately, or hurt you lots of times. Some parents hurt each other and their kids lots of times by staying together when their partnership doesn’t serve them anymore. Some parents keep hurting their families after they separate by fighting on every topic that comes up - time spent at each house, clothing, vacations.”
He’s listening.
I continue, telling him for the first time that Billy and I didn’t speak for months after we separated. He doesn’t remember that. I tell him, briefly, about the arguments we had when he and his brother and sister had fallen asleep. I share that even then, Billy and I agreed on one thing: the divorce would be the one big painful hurt we caused our children. We were united as a team on that goal, made in therapy as our marriage dissolved. Even when we were on opposite ends of seemingly every spectrum, we agreed on that topic.
“Dad and I still sometimes disagree. We’re different people. You know better than anyone, because you live with both of us. Our styles are different. We like to do different things. We discipline you differently. Dad interacts with Stephanie differently than I interact with Gabe. But we agree on the most important thing: you. We agree to coparent because it is what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I love you too much to ever hate each other.”
I remind him that hating his dad would mean I hated half of his heart. Filling my head and heart with anger about Billy would cloud the happy memories I have of our marriage, and the beginning of my adventures in motherhood. Choosing hatred instead of love would color the start my children’s story.
I’m human, of course. I don’t have only happy memories of our time together. I often disagree with my ex, even when I put the kids first and appear as a united team. I am confident he feels the same way: I can sometimes still catch the edge in his tone when he thinks I’m pushing too hard on something. Our history is messy, filled with hurt and anger. We’re divorced, after all. We chose not to continue hand-in-hand.
But we chose to coparent. We chose, each of us independently and even when we seemingly couldn’t agree on the color of the sky, to keep working as a team. Even when it got messy and complicated and seemed impossible, we kept trying. We looked at the three people we love most and let that love unite us. Our team goal is the same as any other family’s: keeping our children safe and whole.
Billy and I didn’t fail at forming a family when we divorced. Our commitment to our parenting partnership and our children’s childhood means we are forever united. We chose the path that kept our children healthiest and happiest in the long run, and we chose it together. In that way, we are like so many parents who remain married. Our choice to coparent peacefully binds us together.
Coparenting peacefully may seem like a lofty goal. You may not be in that place today. Your partner may seem miles away. I understand; Billy and weren’t always there. But coparenting peacefully is possible. Even for the couples who hurt the most. Even for couples who are miles apart. Start small. Love your babies and start today.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/do-you-love-your-kid-more-than-you-hate-your-ex_us_58fe01fde4b0f02c3870ec7f
Dear Kids,
I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.
You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.
Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.
1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.
There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.
I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.
The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.
You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.
Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.
Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.
2. I will stop ignoring myself.
A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.
The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.
I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.
However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.
While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.
I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.
3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.
I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.
And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.
So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.
4. I will stop keeping score.
Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.
As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.
I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.
I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.
I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.
5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.
When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.
Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.
When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”
6. I will stop making negative comparisons.
There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.
I’m sorry for that.
When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.
Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.
From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.
I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.
Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.
Love you always,
Your Parent
Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D
Even the greatest leaders lack self-confidence at certain times. Self-confidence is not a static quality; rather, it’s a mindset that takes effort to maintain when the going gets rough. It must be learned, practiced and mastered just like any other skill. But once you master it, you will be changed for the better.
Here are six effective ways to promote your own self-confidence.
1. Act the part.
Your body language can instantly demonstrate self-assuredness, or it can scream insecurity. Present yourself in a way that says you are ready to master or take command of any situation. If you look confident and act the part you aspire to reach, you’ll not only feel in control, people will have much more confidence in you as well.
Hold your head high, sit up straight, gently bring your shoulders back to align your spine and look directly at the other person when interacting. Avoid a limp handshake and maintain good eye contact while someone is speaking to you.
2. Dress the part.
When you look better, you feel better. If you choose clothing and accessories that fit you well, suit your industry and lifestyle, and make you feel good, this will automatically increase your self-esteem. Look like the part you want to play, or in other words, suit up for success. Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine in your accessories. Bold jewelry or a colorful tie can be a focal point and a good conversation starter.
3. Speak assertively.
The next time you listen to your favorite speaker, be mindful of the way he or she delivers a speech. A great speaker speaks confidently, in a steady, rhythmic tone. Instead of the “ums” and “ahs” that interrupt flow, they use pauses to emphasize ideas.
Adopt an assertive, but not aggressive, way of speaking that indicates your self-confidence. You will feel your self-esteem begin to rise. To be taken seriously, avoid high-pitched, nervous chatter or twittering giggles in your speech. People will listen to you more attentively when they see the leader radiate from within you.
4. Think and act positively.
Positive energy leads to positive outcomes, so set your mind to the can-do side of any situation, avoiding the negative self-talk that can make you feel less confident. Smile, laugh and surround yourself with happy, positive people. You’ll feel better and the people with whom you work will enjoy your company.
Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of the high points of your day and your accomplishments. You will develop more peace and confidence when you are in a grateful state of mind.
5. Take action.
There’s more to being confident than just how you look. You must act the part. Walk up to a stranger at a networking event, or accept a project you’d normally reject. Practice being self-confident and soon it will become second nature.
Inaction breeds doubt and fear, while action breeds confidence and courage. As an exercise, jot down your strengths and weaknesses. Most people will tell you to work on your weaknesses, but use what you've got and capitalize on your strengths instead. Once you put more energy into your positive traits, your confidence will start to shine through.
6. Be prepared.
Remember the five P’s: Prior planning prevents poor performance. The more prepared you are, the more confident you’ll feel about your expertise and competency. Preparation will help you avoid getting tripped up by life’s unexpected glitches.
Learn everything you can about your industry, your subject matter, your goals and what drives you towards success. Before you start a task, first imagine how you want to feel once you’ve completed it. Don’t try to accomplish too much at once. Break complex tasks up into small, bite-size, manageable pieces.
As U.S. Army General Creighton Williams Abrams Jr. once said, “When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.” If you have patience and perseverance, you are only steps away from a more confident you.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247353
Divorce is like Opposite Day, so you're going to need to hold on tight and make some promises to help keep yourself grounded and on the right path!
If you’re going through a divorce, prepared to get stuck for a bit in Opposite Day. Not the 1993 Bill Murray hit Groundhog Day. Opposite Day.
On Opposite Day what’s up is now down, happy is sad, wet is dry, and basically nothing is logical.
You won’t be able to make much sense of your emotions, always make the wisest decisions, or be able to comprehend why half of the things going on are allowed to occur. It’s madness!
Fortunately, the hands of time finally get the jolt they need to allow time to advance on its natural course, leaving Opposite Day as a strange part of the past that you’ll be glad to farewell to.
Although you may not be fully in control of the events surrounding your own personal Opposite Day, it’s important to make (and keep) promises to yourself to see you through to the end of the divorce finish line. You may have your own to add or replace from those on this list, but here’s a few important promises to get you started:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s Opposite Day, right? So, the small stuff feels like the big stuff, and the big stuff may not be recognized for what it is. The pearl of wisdom here is not to let it grab a hold of you, control you, and make you go insane! You will have plenty of big things to address during divorce, so you may just have to let the smaller things slide, or at least not affect you as much!
Stay true to yourself. Just because the world feels like it’s upside down doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your values and sense of self. Ever heard the saying “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do?” Well, what I would do and what you might do are two different things. Just don’t do anything you’ll regret later.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Divorce is a tunnel along the way to your future. In other words, it’s dark and closed in, but it’s temporary. If preserving your sanity and relationship with your children are most important to you, for instance, then make those your priority. So much else may feel like it’s spinning around out of control around you, but you can keep your eyes fixed on one or two most important things, can’t you?
Think long term. Again, divorce isn’t your destination, it’s just the ugly part of the voyage on the way to where you’re headed. So, where is it that you’re headed, anyways? Even if you don’t have specifics nailed down, it’s important to have some goals- even dreams- to shoot for and begin to mentally invest in making them happen. Otherwise, you’ll just get stuck in the ugly part of your voyage.
Make something positive out of the mayhem. If you have to lose and suffer, then you should be able to get some sort of parting gift, right? The best gift you could ever receive is a whole and healthy YOU! So, promise yourself to make something beautiful out of this ugliness. If nothing else, dedicate some time to getting to know who you are now, assess the mistakes you have made and how you can grow, and make peace with what has happened.
Become a role model. No pressure here. No one’s asking you to inspire a generation of others; but, if you have kids, you already have a built-in audience. Show them the way to overcome challenges and succeed against diversity. Be a champion for standing up for your rights, achieving your dreams, and making things happen. If nothing else, you may score at being your own best role model!
Fall in love. The first person you need to flirt with, woo, and fall in love with is looking right back at you in the mirror. Build yourself up from the floor up. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, and make yourself more of a priority, especially if you have been sitting in the backseat of love and attention for a while. Then, and only then open yourself up to the possibility of loving another. This is not about being selfish so much as it is survival and preparing yourself for someone worthy of you!
Don’t lean on vices to get you through. Divorce and the end of a long and serious relationship hurts! No wonder so many turn to drugs, alcohol, emotional eating, retail therapy, and other feel good behaviors to drive the ugly feelings away. Always ask yourself “who’s in control here?” Are you spending on frivolity but not paying the bills? Binging on ice cream rather than facing our problems, or looking for your solutions in the bottom of a bottle? If so, the bad news is that your problems aren’t going anywhere or getting any better, instead they are waiting (perhaps growing) while you drown I denial!
Don’t let a bad day become your permanent state of mind. Of course, divorce lasts longer than a day; however, in the course of a lifetime, this time is a mere blink of an eye. Unfortunately, some tend to allow the emotion and pure ugliness of divorce to taint their personality and perspective from that point on. As I always say: “be better, not bitter!”
What will you vow to yourself as you embark upon this new phase of your life? What will you do to keep your attitude in check and to take care of yourself to ensure that you land safely on the other side?
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/9-promises-to-make-yourself-to-see-you-through-divorce-dg/
After the divorce, you may find you have mixed emotions about your ex-spouse. While you may know that the divorce was for the best, you may find that some days you hate your ex-spouse, and, surprisingly, other days you miss him/her.
You may wonder why you feel any fondness for someone you are divorcing. It is perfectly normal, and most divorced people report these mixed emotions. So how do you cope with these changing emotions?
Here are 8 Ways to Deal With Mixed Emotions About Your Ex After Divorce:
1. Emotions are not good or bad. They just ARE. When a couple divorces, the bad times they shared may be a recent memory, but there are times when each person feels vulnerable, lonely, or scared of the changes taking place. At these times, you may think of the good times. (Hopefully, they were not all bad!) Allow yourself these trips down memory lane. Don’t try to push down your emotions, but allow yourself to feel all the emotional stages of divorce. Expect that you will have your ups and downs.
2. Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about such change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back because it is easier than facing the fact that you now have to rebuild your life. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce.
Don’t let fear overtake your judgment.
3. Make lists. It helps to make a list of the reasons you divorced, and the differences you had. Also, make a list of the good parts of your former relationship. Many newly divorced people are so focused on the bad that they grow resentful and hold such a grudge against their ex - spouse, it is hard to move on with their lives.
Everyone has some good traits and some bad.
4. Don’t blame. It’s easy to make your ex the villain, but in order to be successful in your own life and future relationships, you need to take time to look at your part in the failure of the relationship. Only one person does not hold most marriages together, and they don’t end because of one person either. So, deal with the anger you feel in a constructive way.
5. Get support. Sometimes you may need a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Don’t shy away from seeking support and validation from friends and relatives. If you feel the need, get into therapy to help you sort through your shifting emotions and the resulting stress.
6. Take care of yourself. Riding this roller coaster of emotions is taxing, so make sure you develop good self – care habits during this time. Get plenty of rest, avoid stress as much as possible, put non-essential things on the back burner for now, and eat a healthy diet. Self-care during and after a divorce is a requirement if you want to maintain your health.
7. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Most people say when they went through a divorce, it was on their mind every waking moment of their day. Take some time to do something you enjoy, something that will “recharge your batteries.” This could include spending time with friends or spending quiet time alone with a good book.
Let your mind concentrate on something other than the divorce when you are feeling overwhelmed.
8. Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Journaling is very helpful for most people undergoing a major life change. If journaling is not for you, then maybe you need a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. It is helpful to have a professional you can share your innermost feelings with, and never have to see again when therapy is completed.
Divorce brings about changes, and you may feel like it’s hard to feel centered. By following these tips, you can cope with these changes in a positive way and be better able to make a new life for yourself.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-deal-with-mixed-emotions-after-divorce-1103125
