Last week a woman said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. It had occurred within the context of a conversation we were having about the death of my husband last year when she asked me how I was coping. I explained that I was getting back on my feet. It was then she said,
“You’re lucky; death is so much easier than divorce.”
Had I heard her correctly? She went onto explain, saying that before she’d divorced her husband she had often wished him dead because all her troubles would have disappeared overnight.
I’ve often heard people in unhappy marriages discuss how much easier it would be if the other person died rather than going through a breakup. I must say that when I was in a miserable relationship, I once had that thought, and, as fleeting as it was, the shame of it stayed with me long after the relationship had ended.
In the cold light of day, death would seem to instantly resolve many problems: not having to make the decision to leave, not having to risk breaking up the family, or threatening the security of the family home or finances, no on-going power struggle with the ex, no co-parenting problems, no loss of self-esteem or friends, and no legal battles.
Divorce, on the other hand, seems to be more complicated as it can create a sense of failure for not making the marriage work. You can experience guilt, even, as a result of feelings of not trying ‘hard enough’. Having to continually communicate with your ex can cause issues to arise, especially if there are children involved.
If the divorce is particularly acrimonious, one of the hardest things to endure is the inner conflict of wanting to be a good single parent and be nice to the ex in front of the kids versus wanting to scream at him/her for ruining your life!
Interestingly, a study from the University College Dublin in 2004 revealed thatchildren suffer more from the effects of a divorce than the death of a parent. It stated that the children of divorced parents were more likely to suffer from depression, have poor social skills, and do worse at school compared to children who experienced parental bereavement. Does it also challenge the view that a child would be better off with divorced parents than to be raised in a ‘bad marriage’?
Having experienced both divorce and death as a partner, and a mother, I can report several correlations.
In both cases, the grief centrally revolves around the loss of your future life. It’s natural to assume that you’ll be with your partner forever and you feather that dream by building a fantastical life about how the two of you are going to drive your campervan into the sunset and live on the Islands of Dreams.
The loss of those fantasies- for that’s what they are- creates an ocean of grief that nothing and no one can fill. The only remedy is to bawl your eyes out while saying goodbye.
The main difference that I’ve found between going through a divorce, or bereavement, is the way that people treat you. Someone going through divorce can be regarded as an emotional wreck, and other people may stay away for fear of being embroiled in the breakup drama.
Once the divorce is complete, friends often take sides, potentially leading to an even more painful loss of the friendship group that you previously turned to in your time of need.
Conversely, grieving the death of a spouse seems to solicit a different responselike friends offering a shoulder to cry on, placing a thoughtful lasagne on the doorstep and gently encouraging the bereaved to step back out into normal life again.
The two are extreme by comparison yet, for me, the feelings of grief were as intense in both divorce and bereavement.
One obvious difference is that divorce is a choice and death is not. I have shared many evenings with friends while they debate whether or not they should leave their spouse. Some of their debates have raged on for years! Making a decision to leave a marriage when children, family structure and finances are intuitively sewn up together is often a painful and drawn-out process.
Of course, with death the decision is made for you.
If I could return to that conversation with that woman (me) who was so unhappy in her relationship, I would encourage her to leave it - pronto. What is the point in continuing with something that brings you heartache, or perhaps more truthfully, makes you think that death would bring a solution to the problem?
Having the had the experience of being in a marriage with someone that I truly loved and then having to watch them die, I can honestly say that I do feel fortunatefor having been left with the happy memories of a joyous life spent together.
The pain of the loss of someone whom I loved and who I know loved me who I spent many happy years with does, to me, seem preferable than the pain of being moored in the bitterness, agony, and disillusionment of not being able to have made a - once loving - relationship work out.
It’s easier, for me, at least, to grieve someone that I loved who is now gone, than it is, perhaps, to grieve the living when love has gone.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/alexandra-massey/is-death-easier-than-divo_b_12728742.html
Think nothing could be more stressful than going through divorce? Try dating after a split, which can be a major source of anxiety for recently-separated singles. Navigating the dating scene after divorce does involve getting out of your comfort zone — but it doesn’t have to be stressful, if you’re able to embrace a healthy mindset and follow a few basic dating rules.
“People expect, especially later in life, that dating is going to be the same as it was in their early 20s when they first were dating -– and it’s not at all,” matchmaker and dating coach Kimberly Seltzer tells the Huffington Post. “The pool is different, and people have life experiences and stress to contend with. The first thing to change is your mindset.”
Even though things have changed — both in your relationships and out in the dating world — meeting new people doesn’t have to be an anxiety-inducing process. Scroll through the list below for a 10-step guide to getting back in the saddle with less stress post-split.
1. Get In Touch With Yourself First.
Before you even think about going on your first date post-split, make sure to get back on track with yourself and adjust to your new single lifestyle. Seltzer recommends focusing on exploring new interests, cultivating a healthy lifestyle and renewing your image with a wardrobe update.
“The first step is getting back to basics and figuring out what your passions are, and also feeding your spirit and getting really solid with yourself,” Seltzer says. “It can be overwhelming, so really focus on you first before you get back into the dating pool.”
2. Find Some Single Friends.
Finding a group of single friends is the next step, says Seltzer (she adds, “If you don’t have ‘em, get ‘em!”). Going out and having a good time with friends can be a great way to both boost your confidence, adapt to your new single lifestyle and meet people. You never know who will catch your eye at a bar, coffee shop or play — and if you see someone who interests you, don’t be afraid to say hello (see rule #3).
If most of your friends are married and you’re having a hard time meeting like-minded singles, Seltzer recommends joining groups or clubs based on your interests or attending networking events.
3. Don’t Rush.
If you’re still experiencing anger towards your former spouse and haven’t moved past constant thoughts of your marriage, you may not be ready to start dating yet.
According to Marni Battista, relationship coach and founder of Dating with Dignity, you’ll know that you’re ready when you can talk about your ex without having to put him or her down.
4. Get Online (And Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help).
The new technology of dating can be very stressful, Battista tells the Huffington Post. “Texting, sexting, chatting, Skyping, instant messaging, dating sites...All of that can really stress someone out and they can get overwhelmed and they may not do it correctly, which reinforces many of their fears or beliefs that dating is hard.”
While you shouldn’t feel overwhelming by the changing role of technology in the dating scene, it may still help to educate yourself on new developments so that you can text and date online with confidence. These days, the stigma of online dating has all but vanished — so don’t be shy about turning to others for their wisdom when you’re struggling with that “about me” section.
“Spend some time doing a little research,” advises Battista. “Become educated with information. Seek out your friends and ask for help.”
5. Don’t Get Down On Yourself When Things Don’t Work Out.
Dating always comes with the possibility that things won’t work out the way you hoped. But by viewing dating as practice, you can minimize stress and anxiety around encounters that may not have gone as you’d hoped.
“Try to have a mindset that it’s just going to be fun, and that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your Prince Charming,” says Seltzer.
6. Fake It ‘Til You Make It.
Although you don’t want to dive into the dating pool until you’re ready, if it’s been a year and you’re still afraid to go on that first date, it might be time to adopt the old “fake it ‘til you make it” strategy to boost your dating confidence. There is scientific evidence that suggests pretending to be confident can actually make you more confident. In a recent Huffington Post article about how acting in love helps you stay in love, Dr. Craig Malkin discussed the benefits of this technique. The lesson is simple, Malkin writes: “First we act; then we feel.”
7. Don’t Dish On The Details Too Early.
You want your date to see you for all the things that make you who you are — not just as someone who’s recently gone through a tough divorce.
“Save the story of your past for when you have a connection,” says Battista. “Then they can put you in context with who you are now, not to just try to paint that picture against the backdrop of your divorce.”
8. Make Time To De-Stress Before A First Date.
First dates are nerve-racking for everyone — not just recent divorcees. But you can keep the jitters at bay (and make sure not to come across as too nervous) by taking a little time while you’re prepping to get yourself relaxed and centered.
“Take a moment to get calm and take a few deep breaths and envision you going on this date and having a great time,” says Battista. “Spend even 60 seconds imagining the date being what you want it to be, rather than what you’re afraid of.”
9. Don’t Be Afraid To Take Risks.
Dating can bring out our worst fears of the unknown, causing us to hold back and avoid taking risks when it comes to our love lives. Once you’ve gotten back on your feet and have established a single life that you love, then you can turn your focus to dating again.
“Ask yourself if you like your life the way it is now –- are you looking for a person to add to it, or to fill in the gaps? You [should be] dating from a place of opportunity rather than a fear,” says Battista.
To get past your fear of putting yourself out there, try to look at dating as an opportunity for self-discovery, rather than just a way to get a new love interest. This way, you’ll be focusing first on your own needs, which will make for a less stressful dating experience — and will help you to find someone who truly meets your needs and contributes positively to your life.
10. Don’t Take Dating Too Seriously.
Although it may be hard to think of dating as fun when you’re just getting started, that’s exactly what it should be. Look at your dating experiences as testing the waters, rather than a race to a new relationship — it will take the pressure off and help you simply enjoy the process.
“For the first three to six months, look at dating as an opportunity to practice. If you fail it doesn’t matter,” says Battista. “Go into it saying that the result is not a reflection of your lovability. Just use it as a practice ground.”
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/19/dating-after-divorce_n_2884946.html
There are numerous research studies out this month that show that January is the boom month for relationship break-ups. Apparently if you are married there is a one in five chance that you have considered breaking up this month.
For some it has been planned for January as they could not face breaking up before the festive period which is traditionally a time for families. I have already seen a spike in enquiries for my help, advice and support from people who have had the break-up thrust upon them by their ex and are trying to come to terms with what it all means and what happens next.
Having been through both a divorce and also total heartbreak after a two year relationship I am no stranger to how to deal with the ups and downs of breaking-up. I combine my own personal experience with 17 years of coaching and now help people all around the world to cope with the end of their relationships.
So what is the cold hard truth about what happens in the early days of separation? Is it really that bad? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it all doom and gloom. Just what can you expect over the next few weeks and months?
Well in the early days there is the denial and the grief that comes with losing someone close to you. You have been used to them being there to talk to and lean on and suddenly you find yourself facing life without them. It can feel extremely lonely and the change can be scary. Whilst the experience is an emotional one it can manifest itself as what feels like a real physical, and at times quite exquisite, pain.
However this phase will pass as you learn to replace the gap in your life with a different way of thinking. It is up to you to make the decision to take control back of your life and get back to being happy again. It may seem like an uphill struggle from where you are standing now but I assure you if you take little steps each day using my techniques you will get there sooner than you think.
You see even if you loved them more than anything and are looking back at all the wonderful parts of your relationship the truth is clear: they were not the right partner for you.
If they were they would still be with you and you would be happy and feel secure and loved in your relationship. So it is time to remove the rose tinted glasses and start to focus your mind on the less positive things about your relationship. Don’t get carried away romanticising about the past - it’s time to get a grip if you want to move forward quickly.
You may find it difficult when you find yourself doing things that you used to do together. A good way to relieve some of that pressure is to make some changes and do things differently. Simple things can make a big difference such as shopping in a different supermarket or driving a different way to work. It may be living in the same house on your own now is tricky for you so move the furniture around and put up new photos around the house. Start wearing a new colour or try out a different look.
Remember a break-up is not just the end of your relationship - it is also the start of a new phase in your life. Whilst there will be some highs and lows to deal with you also have the chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be. I work with my clients on writing a Bucket List of things that they can now do in their lives that they never thought they would be able to. Try it! Dream big and remember anything goes from travelling to Barbados, writing a book or even sex with someone new! It will help to get you excited about the future.
Take some time to work out what you want your new phase of life to look like and think about the areas you would like to change or improve on. Schedule in some fun too - you may not feel like laughing right now but laughter is a great medicine and even short bursts will boost your mood so plan in some things you enjoy doing.
I have released a brand new app this month called “7 Steps to a Better Break-Up”and it is free to download from App Store or Google Player. It talks you through how to cope with your break-up and how to keep moving forward and speed up your recovery process. If you take the time to work through the exercises you will end up with your personalised Action Plan which will help you to keep positive and maintain momentum with feeling better and creating a compelling future for yourself.
Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good upbeat friends and family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you even if it seems a long way off right now. Sadly there is no magic wand to take away all the pain immediately however there are things you can do to help feel better right now. By using my techniques and strategies you can speed up your recovery and start to see a brighter future for yourself becoming a reality.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/coping-with-break-ups_b_6442692.html
As Dr Phil once put it, “There’s no reality, only perception” something that has been shown to be true in so many eye witness experiments.
When Princess Diana was going through her divorce and her settlement was made public (I believe it was in the millions of pounds) there was a radio discussion going on and people were calling in lamenting that the settlement was too much and saying that she needs to get a grip on reality.
But one caller came through whose words stuck with me. He asked “whose reality are we talking about here? Hers or yours?”
When I was going through my first divorce, there was one particular incident that was quite unpleasant. I was greatly affected by it as was my ex-husband.
When I went to see my then therapist the next week and related to her what had happened, she said to me, “This is a divorce. And you are both at war.”
She went on to explain that people will always behave very, very differently when they feel cornered. They will lash out in one way or the other be it physically, verbally or otherwise.
Those were the words that helped “detach” from the divorce process and really look at it for what it was. A difficult procedure that had to be endured and completed. This way of looking at it helped me feel less “personally attacked” whenever anything went wrong. It was not about me. It was all about the situation and the circumstances that called for the occurrences.
Things is, when I changed the way I looked at my divorce process, things got a little easier to bear which in turn made me more focused on the issues at hand.
His angry outbursts and name calling were “part of the process”. He was not aiming them at me as Soila, he was aiming them at the person who was at the other end, so it could have been me, Jane, Josephine or Sylvia he was just doing what he felt he needed to do for himself. I just happened to be the one on the receiving end.
Change the way you look at your divorce and things might just be that little bit easier to cope with.
Divorce is war - well the majority of them are and that is why an amicable divorce is always considered a rarity.
Divorce is a “break-up” of a once wonderful relationship. But if you think about it, most likely than not, this is not your first break-up. It’s a bigger and badder one that will drain you off every ounce of energy but just like your previous break-up, you survived and you will survive this one too - if you choose to.
Divorce brings out the worst in people - just as in war. So if you were your your ex-partner, same situation and same DNA, you would be behaving just as he/she is.
Most importantly, the divorce you’re going through doesn’t have to define you for the rest of your life or at any time at all. Just as being laid off work doesn’t define who you are.
I look at divorce as part of life’s journey. You find yourself in it. It’s hard, scary and can cause deep hurt. But you can go through it, survive it and truly grow from that whole experience.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/divorce-perception-and-reality_b_5560894.html
Having separate homes may not qualify as ‘bird’s nest custody’. But by building a whole new relationship with your ex, the spirit of nesting can help maintain a healthy environment for your children
Ten years ago, roughly nine months into our divorce, my ex and I started to build a relationship. The immediate aftermath of our split had been a sour blend of quiet and hurt. We tried to make politeness our default position, and it occasionally held. What kept us connected was our boys, then six and nine. They cut through whatever anger sat between us. We held to that one point of agreement: change the boys’ lives as little as possible. After children have seen their lives inverted, that all sounds a bit feeble, but it was a seed.
Their mother retained primary custody. The boys lived with her in the only house in New York they had known, a loft in lower Manhattan. Before moving back to my childhood neighborhood in Brooklyn, I spent two years in an apartment close to Ground Zero, then a generally inactive construction site. In 2006, it was just a way to live near the boys’ home and school. The ghosts were quiet and my kids liked the hotel restaurant next to my building.
When a central home is maintained, and parents cycle through it while the kids stay put, it’s called “bird’s nest custody” or “nesting”. We were improvising, with the help of therapists, and didn’t know what nesting was, even if we mimicked it. We maintained two separate homes, so our arrangement didn’t qualify, though we kept the boys’ concerns central. Our interactions with each other in the first year were the least generous. But a second rule went into effect early: no badmouthing the other parent, whatever the topic. And we were lucky – we liked and respected each other, beneath the turbulence. That’s where we had started. So the irregular interactions led to a committed decision to not be ugly, even when that seemed impossible. There was enough doubt and hurt for all four of us – anything to clean the air helped. It was a way of being both selfish and considerate.
Even when there wasn’t much of it, talking was a boon. When living together, decisions can be made by default, without negotiation. Sightlines become assumed statements: “There she goes with the morning drop-off. I guess she’s OK with it.” But when you live in two places, and children aren’t old enough to travel alone, every movement has to be discussed. Who will take whom where and when? Can you take Friday night, because Thursday I need to do something for work? Generosity encouraged reciprocity. The marriage cynic would say: “Well, sure. You had to get along because you can’t engage in the silent warfare of marriages.” But of course you can fight, if one parent doesn’t care about seeing the kids. That wasn’t the case, and a cold war never came. We had no choice but to talk.
Whatever else may vex me about cellphones, beginning with my own dependence on them, they allowed a reliable line to my kids. In the past 10 years, we’ve rarely gone a day without talking or texting, even when one of them had a Soviet-style flip phone that could only burp four words a minute.
Not everything clicked smoothly into place. Talking involved just as many unpleasant standoffs as reasonable compromises. “You’re letting them see what? And do what? And miss what school event?” But the distance between households in two different boroughs meant disagreements needed to end quickly. We couldn’t pretend the proximity of a shared house was some simulacrum of “dealing with it”. If we didn’t table a problem, we wouldn’t know how the other parent felt, or what we were supposed to be doing, empirically, minute by minute.
Parents make decisions that are as constant as the subjects are varied. They can involve, but are not limited to, middle schools; high schools; unexpected silences from a normally chatty boy; punishments for ambitious, unauthorized parties; whether or not 48 Hours is a comedy; the choice of a party restaurant really far uptown, way the hell away from Brooklyn; and other traditional life events.
I had no control over the most useful development. Two years into our divorce, my ex reunited with her college boyfriend. (Facebook is not entirely evil.) They became permanent partners, both wearing engagement rings to this day. “Marriage ruins everything,” they said, so suspended in love they remain, without any help from the state. Her partner became a third parent to my boys. It is hard to accept that he’s seen them more than I have in the past eight years. It would be harder to accept someone into our family who wasn’t willing to talk through whatever came up, and continues to come up.
Which is not to say the ache overwhelms the memories. For every breakfast I’ve been absent from, there is a trip to Junior’s Restaurant just for cornbread and coleslaw. For every Broadway play missed, there’s a duet of two fools twisting to the Fearless Four on dishtowels.
Right now, all three are driving back to New York with my youngest son, now 16, after visiting a few colleges in New England. Not being there does not get easier for me. Debriefing helps.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/14/nesting-divorce-parents-children-custody
“Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other.”
After separating or divorcing from their partners, many celebrity moms and dads keep in mind one important thing: the happiness of their kids.
In magazine interviews and television appearances, the co-parents of Hollywood have made it clear that the experience isn’t always simple and easy, but have also stressed that it is possible to remain a loving family after a separation or divorce.
Here are 12 quotes from celebrity moms and dads about co-parenting.
1 Drew Barrymore on co-parenting with Will Kopelman
“It really is about the tone you set. And you can talk until you’re blue in the face, but kids watch what you do every single day of your life, all day long, and that behavior and that example and that love and community and honesty is just, I think, what’s making everything feel safe for my kids and that’s really the intention I had as a parent.”
During a 2017 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”
2 Kate Hudson on co-parenting with Matt Bellamy
“If Matt and I had a great relationship, we would still be together, but we chose to move on because we had different visions of how we wanted to live our lives. That doesn’t mean, though, that we can’t rebuild something that would be the best thing for the kids.”
In a 2015 interview with Allure
3 Jennifer Lopez on co-parenting with Marc Anthony
“Marc and I are very good friends, we’re very supportive. I feel it’s my responsibility as a mom when their dad is not there to let them know that their dad loves them very much because that’s the doubt that they have when he’s not around or they haven’t seen him. That’s my job to do that the same way it’s his job when he’s with them to say, ‘Mommy is working and she loves you.’”
During a 2014 appearance on “HuffPost Live”
4 Sienna Miller on co-parenting with Tom Sturridge
“[We] do bedtime every day. We felt like as much togetherness as possible would be ideal, and fortunately we really love each other and are best friends, and so that works.”
In a 2017 interview with Allure
5 Taye Diggs on co-parenting with Idina Menzel
“As people can imagine, it gets rough at times just because we’re not in the same city, but we still love each other and what’s most important is we love our son. That stabilizes us. I’m thankful for him.”
In a 2015 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”
6 Idina Menzel on co-parenting with Taye Diggs
“[Our son] comes first and you have to get past your own egos and you never talk bad about each other.”
In a 2016 interview with People
7 Angela Kinsey on co-parenting with Warren Lieberstein
“I’m really fortunate because my ex and I are very good friends and I talk to him every day. Our daughter is growing up seeing two people who care about each other. We may not be a traditional family on paper but we are a family and I tell her that families come in all shapes and sizes, but [a family is] love and I see her really flourishing because she sees two people treating each other with respect.”
During a 2013 appearance on “HuffPost Live”
8 Amber Rose on co-parenting with Wiz Khalifa
“I have pictures up of me and Wiz in [our son’s] room so he can always come in and see us being happy together. We try to have family days with him, even though we’re not together. Kids want to see their parents together and if you can’t be together in a relationship, you’ve got to come together as friends for your baby.”
In a 2017 interview with People
9 Miranda Kerr on co-parenting with Orlando Bloom
“We decided as a family it was the right decision for Flynn, so Orlando and I both relocated and we live five minutes from each other ... Everything revolves around my son and his welfare.”
In a 2015 interview with HELLO! Fashion Monthly
10 Nick Cannon on co-parenting with Mariah Carey
“We make the kids the number one priority, for them to see their parents together and for everybody to get along and have a great time.”
During a 2015 appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”
11 Gwyneth Paltrow on co-parenting with Chris Martin
“I think, unfortunately, even though we couldn’t stay in a romantic relationship, our values are very much around the importance of family and the importance of those relationships and I’m lucky that we’re aligned in that way. And it’s been hard, and you know, we’ve gone through really difficult times with it, but we’ve always said these children are our priority.”
During a 2015 appearance at the BlogHer15: Experts Among Us conference
12 Ryan Phillippe on co-parenting with Reese Witherspoon
“You have to get to that point as a divorced parent, as any parent, where you’re not putting yourself first. You want the kids’ experience to be its own and not like, ‘Well, I need to have my time!’ We have been very good about that.”
In a 2016 interview with “Entertainment Tonight”
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/quotes-from-celebrity-moms-and-dads-about-co-parenting_us_59384a54e4b0c5a35c9b5f02
Divorce. It’s a word right up there with death and taxes when it comes to conjuring up feelings up misery, pain, heartache, and stress. While more than 90% of Americans will marry by the age of fifty, according to the American Psychological Association, at least 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. As one of those statistics, I can confirm the experience of those who have gone through it — divorce sucks.
But divorce need not be viewed solely as an ending, but also as the start of a new beginning. After all, change is synonymous with opportunity. Still, divorce is one of the most challenging things you may be faced with in life. Make no mistake, divorce is a trauma, and the body and mind will need time and attention to heal. With that in mind, here are six tips for making the best of it in terms of staying healthy during and after a divorce.
1. Stay Sharp and Lean into the Pain
The one piece of advice I received more than anything in the months following my divorce was to “go have fun.” To me that sounded like I should party a lot and play the field. But I also received another piece of advice from someone who helped me through my divorce, which countered the “have fun” mantra. “You must lean into the pain,” she said. It sounded like something my boxing coach would say, so I took her up on it.
Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t heed the “have fun” advice from my friends. Instead, I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol for a year following my divorce. Thankfully, alcohol wasn’t a factor in my failed marriage, but still I recognized that alcohol is a depressant, a dulling agent, and an escape, so I chose to abstain. What divorcees need more than anything is to face trauma, not avoid it. It’s tempting to dull and mask pain. But as bad as pain is in any manifestation (physical, mental, or emotional), there is only one way through it — meeting it head on.
2. Remember to Eat, and Eat Well
In stressful scenarios, people tend to do one of two things — they gain weight or they lose weight. You might think losing weight sounds good, but neither of these scenarios is good for you. Stress manifested in the body is a bad thing. Stress causes sickness and wreaks havoc on our lives.
Food, like exercise, is one of the critical nourishing agents in the body. But eating during a really stressful time is easier said than done. When your heart is broken sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is eating. Smoothies and juicing are great way to get your body lots of micronutrients and nourishment without the chore of having to muscle down food when you aren’t hungry. Try a blend of unsweetened nut milk, spinach, avocado, natural protein powder, and a cup of fruit.
3. Find a Mind-Body Practice That Works for You
I worked extensively with a counselor, or “spiritual advisor,” following my divorce. Part of that process was exploring different chakras and energy systems in the body, and delving into the connection between emotional and physical pain.
Another part of my mind-body practice during my divorce was training in the martial arts.One rainy Saturday shortly after my divorce, I went through a muay Thai testing and literally got the crap beat out of me. It was both grueling and cathartic. In a metaphorical way, it was comforting to know I could take the hits, get knocked down, and get back up.
Understandably, getting hit or rolling around on mats might not be your thing, so the martial arts are certainly not for everyone. Other great options for mind-body connectedness are yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer, and even simply deep abdominal breathing.
4. Find a Release for Your Rage
Suppressed rage has been linked to everything from lower back pain to mass shootings. But in our politically correct culture, hitting things is not okay. Yet, we as humans are hard wired to be aggressive beings. Regardless of your opinion on whether humans should ever hit anything or anyone, one thing is for certain — rage needs a release. I know I’m not alone in this thought based on a recent news story I saw on the popularity of “rage rooms” where people pay to go in to padded rooms armed with baseball bats and destroy old computers, etc.
Again, activities like martial arts and boxing enable you to let out some aggressive anger while connecting to the internal art of finding breath and awareness. Even if it’s just putting boxing gloves on to hit a heavy bag or locking yourself in a room and screaming for a few minutes, you must find a way to release your rage — or it will come back to bite you and will inhibit your healing process.
5. Recover and Rest Well
I am a member at a sports recovery lounge where I sit in hot tubs, compression boots, and the sauna next to the likes of professional and competitive athletes. Those athletes continuously suffer physical traumas of every sort from micro muscle tears to significant physical injury. The thing about physical injury is that it has mental ramifications and vice versa. So during a time of emotional trauma, it’s important to help your body recover, as well.
In addition to the treatments you might find at a recovery lounge, other effective modalities include massage, acupuncture, and reiki. Of course, another element to recovering well is literally resting. Without question, sleep is essential for both physical and emotional recovery.
A word of caution: Be aware if you’re sleeping too much. While lack of sleep is linked to sickness and depression, so is too much sleep.
6. Exercise Frequently, But with Balance
Exercise is always listed near or at the top of the list when it comes to stress relief. But there can be too much of a good thing. Over exercising can become a literal manifestation of “running away” from your trauma. Nonetheless, exercising regularly post-divorce is critical.
Again, think of your body symbolically. That is, when you are brokenhearted and physically stressed, what your body most needs is nourishment and to get strong again.
Think about hiring a trainer to push you to get stronger both literally and figuratively. Flexibility is also a must, so consider options like yoga and Pilates. Ultimately, exercise will help you to manage stress, sleep better, feel better, and even look better.
Your Healing Is a Balance and a Process
In the end, managing your way through a divorce is a balancing act. The blend and balance of healing your body, mind, and heart is part of the journey. Exercising is good, but watch for too much. Eating right is important, so make sure you get enough but not too much.
Community and social support is vital, but so is your mindfulness and alone time.
A divorce is hard, but it, like any other trauma, can make you stronger and more resilient if you have the right game plan and the willingness to face it head on.
Source: https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/
Today I am reflecting on some of the lessons I have learned during and post divorce.
Happiness is a choice
This may seem obvious to some of you, but when you are caught up in a continual cycle of drama you may not be able to see that removing yourself from a negative situation is your choice. I have learned to remove myself from negative people and negative situations that don’t have a positive impact on my life. In nearly all situations I ask myself “does this make me happy?” or “do I feel good about this?” if the answer is “No” then it’s not something I pursue. You can use the ‘joy or annoy’ method! Bin the things, situations and people that annoy, keep the ones that bring you joy.
Forgiveness is required to move forward
Right now this may seem impossible for you and admittedly I still find it hard to fully forgive my ex and his (now) wife for turning my world upside-down and putting me in a very difficult situation. Not only did their actions affect me emotionally and mentally, being coerced in to bankruptcy and denied rights to an equal divorce has continued to affect my life and financial situation for nearly 5 years.
However, I am reminded of the quote “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“ ~ Buddha. I must accept that I will never receive an apology for what they put me through and that by holding on to resentment, the only person getting hurt is me!
The UK legal system is flawed
Maybe I didn’t select the right representation or maybe I was just a small fish in a big pond. If my solicitor had told me right from the start that I would get nothing from my ex due to my bankruptcy then I NEVER would have pursued him to pay my mum back what she was owed from the house. If I had known that he would come after my business/livelihood and that legally he was entitled to, I would have taken steps to protect it and myself. All in all it was a costly and emotionally damaging exercise where he kept everything and my mum only received a fraction of what she was due. I received nothing and still owe my dad for the cost of the divorce. If I could turn back the clock, my choice of solicitor and route to divorce would be completely different. My advice would be; do some research, select the right route to divorce for you and if going down the route of using a solicitor, choose someone you feel comfortable with.
Psychopaths exist outside of the movies
I have dated a psychopath, post divorce, and believe I may also have married one. I believe no decent human being would act in a malicious manner to intentionally hurt a vulnerable person.
It’s ok to ask for help
I fought for ages about seeking professional help. My defense was “I’m fine!”. On reflection, the early days of the split were when I needed help the most, over 4 years on I believe that this lack of professional help in the early stages has impacted on how I deal with my emotions now. Go get help and don’t be embarrassed about it!
Stress is a choice, depression is not
I choose to be self-employed, therefore I can choose whether to be stressed about work, deadlines or life in general. It is in my power to keep stress at a minimum level. For years I thought I thrived in stressful situations, procrastinating on projects and leaving it to the last minute to meet the deadline as working under pressure produced the best results... or so I thought! Having tried to lose weight for over 4 years and consistently putting it on, I am beginning to understand (and be educated on) the impact of stress on the body. Having been diagnosed with depression and ignoring this diagnosis I am now bigger than I have ever been, EVEN THOUGH I eat well and have 3 personal training sessions a week and complete my step goal each day. I have drastically changed some habits to reduce my stress levels and I am working on others. I may just have to succumb to the idea that all though mentally I feel ‘fine’, my body is telling me that I am depressed.
Acceptance is key
In order to move forward you must accept what has happened and learn to find peace with it. Some people may say ‘things happen for a reason’. I used to HATE it when people threw this cliché at me, but now I find myself saying it to others in times of emotional turmoil. I have accepted the role I played in the end of my marriage and have accepted that in order to have a happy life I must follow my own advice and forgive those who have caused me hurt.
Money isn’t everything
Going through bankruptcy alone and living off a small wage was a lesson I would never have wanted to learn in a million years! I was a high flyer in marketing, loved shopping and home-making... But shit happens and I dealt with it, day by day. I am still tarnished with the ‘bankruptcy brush’ as I can’t get a mortgage or write a cheque or get a credit card, but it has taught me that the important thing in life is not how much money is in the bank but how much love there is around you. My family, friends, pets and my home are among the MOST important things to me and I am truly grateful to have them in my life.
Choose your friends wisely
I learned very early on after my split that there are some friends who will be there no matter what, they’ll give you the truth even if it hurts because they care - hold on to them and don’t let them go, and there are some friends who stick around because they a) feel guilty b) are nosey c) love drama & gossip - avoid these at all costs! Delete them from social media, no need to be nasty or cause further drama, just be aware of who in your life makes a positive impact and who doesn’t.
Finally - Embrace change and all the lessons life throws at you!
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-hall1/lessons-i-have-learned-po_b_14705708.html
Well, you’ve heard it said once and many times over - divorce is like a death.
So many losses are involved including the future you had once dreamed off. You life’s direction takes a turn that you didn’t plan for and you really don’t know what lies ahead.
You get to see that there are indeed life events that are capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.
Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attacks are all names of avenues, street and roads.
Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”
20 years on and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.
Her “new” appearance was easily noticeable to us parents because Mrs Blake-Harrington, let’s call her that, was always very presentably dressed with an air of collectedness and coolness about her.
It turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (both under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.
Mrs Blake-Harrington, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents who lived outside London...never to return.
So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?
My own divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated albeit in the same profession - child therapy. I had two children and no family around to help.
I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one full-time job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.
In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them and this reflected back on the successes they achieved post-divorce.
However, and I hope they don’t mind me saying this, these successes were short lived as after a while, they both were burned out having not taken time off to deal with such huge life events. Today they are both working in different fields.
I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:
“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”
So did my two divorces kill my career?
That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.
Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself. I had to do something. I just couldn’t stay there.
I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing and editing entirely on the topic of divorce and separation.
I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.
So is divorce a career killer? Will it be yours? It certainly was mine for a while there, but not anymore.
During divorce, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them. You day to day life is affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.
The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off. Do ask for help, take it and accept it when it is offered. Ok, that’s more than one but they hey.
Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly and make better decisions and judgments as to which way to go next. This is no time to be a warrior woman.
Grieve if you need to but don’t stay there forever.
Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.
It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.
But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/divorce-women-careers_b_6592282.html
I'll never forget the loan specialist who congratulated me on my divorce.
I was getting a cashier's check from her to bring to the closing on my townhouse, and she asked why I was selling.
"Moving to the suburbs?" she inquired cheerfully
.
Nope, I told her. Getting divorced.
"Congratulations!"
That was a first. From friends and acquaintances I had heard plenty of, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" And, "I had no idea!" And, "How are the kids holding up?" I had not one single time been congratulated.
I told her as much.
"It usually means a better life is ahead," she assured me.
She was right, of course. But you rarely hear that. Or read that. Or find an expert who will tell you that.
Divorce is messy and painful and expensive and not to be glorified nor entered into lightly. But it can also be the beginning of a more tranquil, authentic, happier — indeed, better — life.
And that's worth telling people.
"The gifts of divorce may take some time to reveal themselves, but there are gifts," says psychotherapist Abby Rodman, author of "Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce" (Lulu). "One day you wake up and it hits you that you no longer have to manage an unhappy marriage. You no longer have to manage your spouse's unhappiness. That clears the way for more of your own happiness."
Reclaiming priorities
Rodman, who surveyed hundreds of women about their divorces for her book, said very often divorcees rediscover passions they shelved, friends they ignored and talents they allowed to atrophy. This goes for men too, of course.
"A bad marriage corrupts your entire existence," she said. "Once you've extracted yourself from that, you have the opportunity to think about the things in your marriage that didn't work for you. We all make sacrifices in marriage — and we should. But did you make really big ones that you can now revisit? Do you want to go back to school or become a writer or go to church every Sunday? Things maybe your ex-spouse wasn't supportive of? In some ways it's an opportunity for reinvention."
Maryjane Fahey, co-author of "Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over a Breakup and Your Ex in Record Time!" (Sellers Publishing), said it took becoming single for her to focus her energy on her own work.
"My ex, whom I loved deeply, was a brilliant man," Fahey said. "But he didn't live up to his potential as an artist and a writer and I was constantly on him, pushing him. When he dumped me I realized I needed to become the person I was telling him to become. And that's exactly what I've done."
Fahey, who runs her own design and branding firm, included the following quote, credited to author Joseph Campbell, in her book: "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
"I moved my life goal from being a good wife to saying, 'Hey, what about those projects I've been sitting on?'" she said. "Now that I don't have a man to push, I can push myself. And that's been a really beautiful ride for me."
Creating your next act
A clear-eyed focus on what you want your post-divorce life to look like can help you through the toughest parts of the breakup process, says family attorney Angie Hallier, author of "The Wiser Divorce: Positive Strategies for Your Next Best Life" (Megeve Press).
"It is so important for people to start planning what they want their after-divorce life to look like as they go through the divorce and to make every decision during their divorce through the lens of how it will impact their next life," Hallier said. "This includes being very clear about what their budget will look like, but also focusing on things that will change for the good that cannot be measured — the lack of conflict, the lack of emotional intimacy, pursuing dreams and activities that were set aside during the marriage.
"Creating a vision for your new life is actually easier than staying in a soul-killing marriage," she said. "And your attorney should help you create this vision."
Wise, clear-headed counsel can also help you prioritize your kids' needs, if you're a parent.
"Every part of (your kids') lives will be disrupted to a greater or lesser degree by this decision to change the only life they've known," Hallier writes in her book. "This isn't a reason not to divorce, if divorce is the only way to create a happy, healthy future for yourself and your children. … This is simply a call for you to place your children's needs first in your thoughts, your words and your actions throughout the process. If you can do this, your children will come through divorce in a better place than they were in during a miserable marriage."
Keeping it positive
An eye toward the happier future can also keep you from getting bogged down in revenge fantasies and other toxic energy expenditures.
"Accept who your ex-spouse is and isn't and move forward without wanting revenge and without anger," Hallier said. "Get rid of the notion that this divorce will somehow vindicate you as the one in the right. Certainly there are emotions that have to be dealt with, but if you focus these negative energies on the process of divorce you lose this golden opportunity to reshape your life for the better."
That will likely mean setting aside some old habits and, equally important, embracing some new ones.
"To anyone divorcing, I would tell her or him, 'Dig a little deeper and engage yourself in activities you never thought you'd do,'" Fahey said. "Maybe do a little meditation. Maybe go on a trip on your own. Start to feel your power and the beauty of taking care of yourself inside and out and embrace the wonderful, happy, fabulous, sexy things that can happen when you're alone."
And keep in mind that you're not all that alone.
"There are all kinds of groups and clubs and travel organizations that cater to people who are single or divorced," Rodman said. "We've moved away from the old paradigm to a culture in which nearly 50 percent of people are divorced, and society at large has had to make room for that."
Happiness, after all, can take up a lot of space.
Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0113-life-after-divorce-20150106-story.html
A few thoughts on children going through a divorce.
Children usually feel a lot of pain and emotional conflict during and after divorce. Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it. The article below gives excellent insight into divorce from a child's perspective.
The Effects of Divorce on Children:
Dr. Deb Huntley, professor of psychology at Argosy University/Twin Cities says, "No matter what age a child is, he or she will have more difficulty adjusting to divorce if there is continued conflict between parents.
Other factors that add to this difficulty include, loss of contact with a competent, non-custodial parent; financial stress; a change of address; loss of continuity in school and home routines; psychological problems in the custodial or, non-custodial parent; and blurred boundaries between the parent and child.”
Going Through Divorce: From Your Child's Perspective
- Don't put me in the middle. If you need to talk to each other, please do it yourself. Don't give me notes to carry to my other parent. Don't keep secrets about me from my other parent. Don't put me in the position of having to answer questions I don't have answers to just because you don't like my other parent.
- Don’t make me take sides. You may not have a husband/wife anymore, but I still have a mom/dad. When possible, tell me something positive about my parent. And, don't expect me to hide how I feel about my other parent. I love both my parents, if you are an adult, you won't find that idea threatening. If you do, get help because I don't want to be harmed by your immaturity and anger.
- Unless there is are problems with domestic abuse, allow me to have access to both parents. Take this into account when you are deciding where to live. I want to see my other parent as often as possible. If it weren't for the divorce, I'd be seeing them every day. Don't let your divorce damage my relationship with my other parent.
- The better you are able to coparent with each other, the better I will be able to cope with the divorce. I don't want to hear you fight or see you exchange dirty looks. I don't want to have the police at my house just because you two can't get along. I'm more important than your anger at each other so, grow up and put me first.
- Ask me how I am doing and what I need. Even though you are going through your own loss, I need help talking about the divorce and how I am feeling. I need it is hard on you to get a divorce, guess what, it is hard on me too and I'm not the one who wanted a divorce. Think about that, I'm hurting over something I didn't want in the first place. Make sure you help me work through my pain.
- Try to keep everything else in my life the same. It is stressful enough to lose a parent to divorce, but even tougher to move to a different school, a new neighborhood, and a new home. The more things I have to change, the more emotional pain I feel. Keep me in mind when you are making major decisions about your divorce.
- Remember that I am your child. Although you have gone through a divorce, my role is not to replace your spouse or be a friend. Continue to treat me as your child. I don't want to hear about your problems. I don't want to worry about how you are doing. I want you to take care of me because it isn't my job to take care of you.
- If you need to talk to somebody about what you are going through, find a friend or a therapist. It is too much for me to carry your burden as well. If you don't like my Mom's new boyfriend, I don't need to know. If you don't like the way Dad parents when I'm with him, talk to Dad about it, not me. I'm not your sounding board!
- No matter what my age is, this is still a loss for me. I may show my grief in many different ways, including anger, depression, anxiety, or acting-out behavior. Please get me help if I am having difficulty.
- I long for continuity, routine, and tradition. Although our family has changed, keep as many traditions and routines the same as possible. I want to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins on both sides of the family. I want time with both my parents and their families during the holidays. You are my parents, it's your job to make sure these things happen.
We've all heard how resilient children are and how quickly they bounce back after a divorce. I'm sure you've also heard that if a parent is happy the children will be happy also. Well, that isn't always the situation so, it pays to not project your own beliefs about the divorce onto your children. Give them a voice, view them as autonomous beings with their own take on the situation and work with them based on their feelings.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/going-through-a-divorce-a-childs-perspective-1103247
