A happier life after divorce

I'll never forget the loan specialist who congratulated me on my divorce.

I was getting a cashier's check from her to bring to the closing on my townhouse, and she asked why I was selling.

"Moving to the suburbs?" she inquired cheerfully.

Nope, I told her. Getting divorced.

"Congratulations!"

That was a first. From friends and acquaintances I had heard plenty of, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" And, "I had no idea!" And, "How are the kids holding up?" I had not one single time been congratulated.

I told her as much.

"It usually means a better life is ahead," she assured me.

She was right, of course. But you rarely hear that. Or read that. Or find an expert who will tell you that.

Divorce is messy and painful and expensive and not to be glorified nor entered into lightly. But it can also be the beginning of a more tranquil, authentic, happier — indeed, better — life.

And that's worth telling people.

"The gifts of divorce may take some time to reveal themselves, but there are gifts," says psychotherapist Abby Rodman, author of "Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce" (Lulu). "One day you wake up and it hits you that you no longer have to manage an unhappy marriage. You no longer have to manage your spouse's unhappiness. That clears the way for more of your own happiness."

Reclaiming priorities

Rodman, who surveyed hundreds of women about their divorces for her book, said very often divorcees rediscover passions they shelved, friends they ignored and talents they allowed to atrophy. This goes for men too, of course.

"A bad marriage corrupts your entire existence," she said. "Once you've extracted yourself from that, you have the opportunity to think about the things in your marriage that didn't work for you. We all make sacrifices in marriage — and we should. But did you make really big ones that you can now revisit? Do you want to go back to school or become a writer or go to church every Sunday? Things maybe your ex-spouse wasn't supportive of? In some ways it's an opportunity for reinvention."

Maryjane Fahey, co-author of "Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over a Breakup and Your Ex in Record Time!" (Sellers Publishing), said it took becoming single for her to focus her energy on her own work.

"My ex, whom I loved deeply, was a brilliant man," Fahey said. "But he didn't live up to his potential as an artist and a writer and I was constantly on him, pushing him. When he dumped me I realized I needed to become the person I was telling him to become. And that's exactly what I've done."

Fahey, who runs her own design and branding firm, included the following quote, credited to author Joseph Campbell, in her book: "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
"I moved my life goal from being a good wife to saying, 'Hey, what about those projects I've been sitting on?'" she said. "Now that I don't have a man to push, I can push myself. And that's been a really beautiful ride for me."

Creating your next act

A clear-eyed focus on what you want your post-divorce life to look like can help you through the toughest parts of the breakup process, says family attorney Angie Hallier, author of "The Wiser Divorce: Positive Strategies for Your Next Best Life" (Megeve Press).

"It is so important for people to start planning what they want their after-divorce life to look like as they go through the divorce and to make every decision during their divorce through the lens of how it will impact their next life," Hallier said. "This includes being very clear about what their budget will look like, but also focusing on things that will change for the good that cannot be measured — the lack of conflict, the lack of emotional intimacy, pursuing dreams and activities that were set aside during the marriage.

"Creating a vision for your new life is actually easier than staying in a soul-killing marriage," she said. "And your attorney should help you create this vision."

Wise, clear-headed counsel can also help you prioritize your kids' needs, if you're a parent.

"Every part of (your kids') lives will be disrupted to a greater or lesser degree by this decision to change the only life they've known," Hallier writes in her book. "This isn't a reason not to divorce, if divorce is the only way to create a happy, healthy future for yourself and your children. … This is simply a call for you to place your children's needs first in your thoughts, your words and your actions throughout the process. If you can do this, your children will come through divorce in a better place than they were in during a miserable marriage."

Keeping it positive

An eye toward the happier future can also keep you from getting bogged down in revenge fantasies and other toxic energy expenditures.

"Accept who your ex-spouse is and isn't and move forward without wanting revenge and without anger," Hallier said. "Get rid of the notion that this divorce will somehow vindicate you as the one in the right. Certainly there are emotions that have to be dealt with, but if you focus these negative energies on the process of divorce you lose this golden opportunity to reshape your life for the better."

That will likely mean setting aside some old habits and, equally important, embracing some new ones.

"To anyone divorcing, I would tell her or him, 'Dig a little deeper and engage yourself in activities you never thought you'd do,'" Fahey said. "Maybe do a little meditation. Maybe go on a trip on your own. Start to feel your power and the beauty of taking care of yourself inside and out and embrace the wonderful, happy, fabulous, sexy things that can happen when you're alone."

And keep in mind that you're not all that alone.

"There are all kinds of groups and clubs and travel organizations that cater to people who are single or divorced," Rodman said. "We've moved away from the old paradigm to a culture in which nearly 50 percent of people are divorced, and society at large has had to make room for that."

Happiness, after all, can take up a lot of space.

Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0113-life-after-divorce-20150106-story.html

Divorce And Kids: 5 Ways Divorce Benefits Kids

Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids — sometimes it’s excellent for kids. Here are five ways that your children can benefit from your divorce:

1. When Mommy and Daddy are happier as individuals, their kids will be too. When there’s ugliness between the couple, no one’s happy. Once the halves of the couple move on and find their grounding, each one as an individual has the opportunity to be happier than ever. When children have a happy mom and dad, they’ll do much better.

2. When the tension dissolves out of the house, kids will be more relaxed. Children are like barometers. You can measure the level of tension in the air by their behavior. Once the split happens and the nasty intensity in the environment fades, watch how the children’s behavior follows.

3. When you model that you deserve to be in a satisfying and supportive relationship, you model something wonderful to your kids. If you stay in a bad relationship “for the kids,” don’t fool yourself that the kids will really benefit. Although there will be certainly be an adjustment when you divorce, the end result is positive. You’re showing your children not to settle for an unhealthy marriage.

4. With shared custody, kids have the opportunity to experience each parent as a full and competent parent. Usually when both parents are together, one of them takes on most of the nurturing and/or logistical planning. After a divorce, the children can have each parent completely focusing on them with the time they have together. They can also see each parent fully taking care of home business.

5. There’s the potential for your kids to either witness you being happy on your own or finding a better partner, both of which are a good thing. Whether or not you decide to pair up with another mate, your kids can benefit by watching your joyful independence or new positive relationship. Either way, your children will benefit. 

So, if you were thinking this article would be about the horrors your children will experience if you divorce, at this point you’re either hugely disappointed or greatly relieved. What’s most important to remember is your newfound single life after divorce is what you make it — and your children’s attitude and well-being will follow suit.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/18/divorce-and-kids-5-ways-d_n_1519485.html

Divorce: Whose Problem Is It?

The enormity of divorce scares me to the core every time. Every time I meet someone who is lonely after divorce, or speaks about the effects of divorce or even see it on a soap opera, the challenges divorce presents shocks every time.

Divorce is not something that just affects the separating couple. It is just as likely to hit the extended family to outside friends who have no choice but watch the drama unfold.
The problem is divorce is on the increase and the ever-changing family structures see the effects forever unfolding.

As a child of divorced parents, I see the effects on a daily basis. I find it difficult to trust new people, which is one of the reasons why I have never been in a relationship. My nan is always worrying about our family after my parents’ traumatic divorce. My mum and dad regularly comment on the divorce. My sister has been known to break into tears randomly thinking about the divorce.

It’s been four years down the line and I am forever asking myself when will it end? Will the consequences still be felt ten years down the line? Will future generations feel it?
I’m trying to move on from the point of my parents’ divorce and open up the debate of the effects of divorce. My parents’ divorce happened as it happened. Yes, it was awful. Yes, it could have been less traumatic. Yes, it maybe didn’t have to have happen.

But it made me who I am today. I don’t think I would be half as resilient, adaptable, feisty, blunt and adventurous if it wasn’t for my parents’ divorce. Everything can change in a heartbeat.

I have been asked in various contexts what advice I would give to young adults whose parents’ are separating. My advice is simple; It’s not your fault. For a while during my parents’ divorce, I pretended to ignore it was happening. I don’t think I’ve ever been as exhausted as I was during my parents’ divorce. Living between two friends’ houses, working 16 hours a week, studying for four A Levels, having parental responsibility for my younger sister, being woken up with abusive messages the night before my A Level exams, I’m surprised I didn’t combust. But having all these various responsibilities was the way I dealt with my parents’ divorce. We all have our own coping mechanisms and you need to find the one that suits you. There will be moments when the grief cuts you anew and with time, it will become less so.

My work with Voices in the Middle is attempting to show there can be positives to divorce. Families can be happier, stable and focused when there is divorce.

The more we can do to ease the pain of divorce, the less we can save having to treat for depression and other problems. Only last year, one newspaper stated ‘the stress of divorce can triple risk children getting diabetes‘. If this is even partly true and you weigh up the associated costs of diabetes, you can start to understand the enormity of divorce.

That’s why I will be working with Voices in the Middle to establish a voice for children when their parents’ separate. We should all be doing far more to eradicate the effects of divorce, even if we haven’t personally be affected by it. For our friends, our future generations and ourselves.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/emily-beatrice-morris/divorce_b_11900372.html

The impact of divorce on children: Tamara D. Afifi at TEDxUCSB

A big concern for many will be the impact of divorce on our kids. Some interesting thoughts here.

How Expressing Gratitude Might Change Your Brain

A lot of so-called “positive psychology” can seem a bit flaky, especially if you’re the sort of person disinclined to respond well to an admonition to “look on the bright side.” But positive psychologists have published some interesting findings, and one of the more robust ones is that feeling grateful is very good for you. Time and again, studies have shown that performing simple gratitude exercises, like keeping a gratitude diary or writing letters of thanks, can bring a range of benefits, such as feelings of increased well-being and reduced depression, that often linger well after the exercises are finished.

Now a brain-scanning study in NeuroImage brings us a little closer to understanding why these exercises have these effects. The results suggest that even months after a simple, short gratitude writing task, people’s brains are still wired to feel extra thankful. The implication is that gratitude tasks work, at least in part, because they have a self-perpetuating nature: The more you practice gratitude, the more attuned you are to it and the more you can enjoy its psychological benefits.

The Indiana University researchers, led by Prathik Kini, recruited 43 people who were undertaking counseling sessions as a treatment for their anxiety or depression. Twenty-two of them were assigned to a gratitude intervention; for the first three sessions of their weekly counseling, this group spent 20 minutes writing a letter in which they expressed their gratitude to the recipient, an hour in total (whether they chose to send these letters was up to them). The other participants acted as a control group, so they simply attended their counseling as usual without performing the gratitude task.

Three months after their counseling was over, all of the participants completed a “Pay It Forward” gratitude task in a brain scanner. Each was “given” various amounts of money by imaginary benefactors whose names and photos appeared onscreen to add to the realism of the task. The researchers told the participants that each benefactor said that if the participant wanted to express their gratitude for the monetary gift, they’d appreciate it if the participant gave some or all of the donation to a named third party (again, identified by photo and name), or a named charity. The participants knew this was all an exercise, but were all told that one of the transactions, chosen later at random, would actually occur — that is, they’d actually receive the cash amount offered to them by one of the benefactors minus the amount they chose to pass on (and the money they opted to pass on really would go to charity).

The researchers found that, on average, the more money a participant gave away, and the stronger the feelings of gratitude they reported feeling, the more activity they exhibited in a range of brain areas in the frontal, parietal, and occipital regions. Interestingly, these neural-activity patterns appeared somewhat distinct from those that usually appear when brain-scan subjects complete tasks associated with emotions like empathy or thinking about other people’s points of view, which is consistent with the idea that gratitude is a unique emotion.

Most exciting, though, is the finding that the participants who’d completed the gratitude task months earlier not only reported feeling more gratefulness two weeks after the task than members of the control group, but also, months later, showed more gratitude-related brain activity in the scanner. The researchers described these “profound” and “long-lasting” neural effects as “particularly noteworthy,” and they highlighted that one of the main regions that showed this increased sensitivity — the “pregenual anterior cingulate,” which is known to be involved in predicting the effects of one’s own actions on other people — overlaps with a key brain region identified in the only previous study on the neurological footprint of gratitude.

This result suggests that the more practice you give your brain at feeling and expressing gratitude, the more it adapts to this mind-set — you could even think of your brain as having a sort of gratitude “muscle” that can be exercised and strengthened (not so different from various other qualities that can be cultivated through practice, of course). If this is right, the more of an effort you make to feel gratitude one day, the more the feeling will come to you spontaneously in the future. It also potentially helps explain another established finding, that gratitude can spiral: The more thankful we feel, the more likely we are to act pro-socially toward others, causing themto feel grateful and setting up a beautiful virtuous cascade.

However, let’s not allow the warm glow of all this gratitude to melt our critical faculties. It’s important to realize this result is incredibly preliminary. For one thing, as the researchers openly acknowledge, they didn’t conduct a baseline brain scan of the participants before they started the Pay It Forward game, so it’s possible, though unlikely given that participants were randomly assigned to the gratitude and control groups, that the participants who performed the gratitude task simply had more neural sensitivity to gratitude already, not because they performed the gratitude task. Another thing: Members of the control group didn’t perform a comparison writing task, so we can’t know for sure that it was the act of writing a letter of thanks, as opposed to any kind of writing exercise, that led to increased neural sensitivity to gratitude.

Still, neurological investigations into gratitude are in their early days, and this research certainly gives us some intriguing clues as to how and why gratitude exercises are beneficial. For that we can be, well, grateful.

Source: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/01/how-expressing-gratitude-change-your-brain.html

A happier life after divorce

I'll never forget the loan specialist who congratulated me on my divorce.

I was getting a cashier's check from her to bring to the closing on my townhouse, and she asked why I was selling.

"Moving to the suburbs?" she inquired cheerfully
.
Nope, I told her. Getting divorced.

"Congratulations!"

That was a first. From friends and acquaintances I had heard plenty of, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" And, "I had no idea!" And, "How are the kids holding up?" I had not one single time been congratulated.

I told her as much.

"It usually means a better life is ahead," she assured me.

She was right, of course. But you rarely hear that. Or read that. Or find an expert who will tell you that.

Divorce is messy and painful and expensive and not to be glorified nor entered into lightly. But it can also be the beginning of a more tranquil, authentic, happier — indeed, better — life.

And that's worth telling people.

"The gifts of divorce may take some time to reveal themselves, but there are gifts," says psychotherapist Abby Rodman, author of "Without This Ring: A Woman's Guide to Successfully Living Through and Beyond Midlife Divorce" (Lulu). "One day you wake up and it hits you that you no longer have to manage an unhappy marriage. You no longer have to manage your spouse's unhappiness. That clears the way for more of your own happiness."

Reclaiming priorities

Rodman, who surveyed hundreds of women about their divorces for her book, said very often divorcees rediscover passions they shelved, friends they ignored and talents they allowed to atrophy. This goes for men too, of course.

"A bad marriage corrupts your entire existence," she said. "Once you've extracted yourself from that, you have the opportunity to think about the things in your marriage that didn't work for you. We all make sacrifices in marriage — and we should. But did you make really big ones that you can now revisit? Do you want to go back to school or become a writer or go to church every Sunday? Things maybe your ex-spouse wasn't supportive of? In some ways it's an opportunity for reinvention."

Maryjane Fahey, co-author of "Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over a Breakup and Your Ex in Record Time!" (Sellers Publishing), said it took becoming single for her to focus her energy on her own work.

"My ex, whom I loved deeply, was a brilliant man," Fahey said. "But he didn't live up to his potential as an artist and a writer and I was constantly on him, pushing him. When he dumped me I realized I needed to become the person I was telling him to become. And that's exactly what I've done."

Fahey, who runs her own design and branding firm, included the following quote, credited to author Joseph Campbell, in her book: "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
"I moved my life goal from being a good wife to saying, 'Hey, what about those projects I've been sitting on?'" she said. "Now that I don't have a man to push, I can push myself. And that's been a really beautiful ride for me."

Creating your next act

A clear-eyed focus on what you want your post-divorce life to look like can help you through the toughest parts of the breakup process, says family attorney Angie Hallier, author of "The Wiser Divorce: Positive Strategies for Your Next Best Life" (Megeve Press).

"It is so important for people to start planning what they want their after-divorce life to look like as they go through the divorce and to make every decision during their divorce through the lens of how it will impact their next life," Hallier said. "This includes being very clear about what their budget will look like, but also focusing on things that will change for the good that cannot be measured — the lack of conflict, the lack of emotional intimacy, pursuing dreams and activities that were set aside during the marriage.

"Creating a vision for your new life is actually easier than staying in a soul-killing marriage," she said. "And your attorney should help you create this vision."

Wise, clear-headed counsel can also help you prioritize your kids' needs, if you're a parent.

"Every part of (your kids') lives will be disrupted to a greater or lesser degree by this decision to change the only life they've known," Hallier writes in her book. "This isn't a reason not to divorce, if divorce is the only way to create a happy, healthy future for yourself and your children. … This is simply a call for you to place your children's needs first in your thoughts, your words and your actions throughout the process. If you can do this, your children will come through divorce in a better place than they were in during a miserable marriage."

Keeping it positive

An eye toward the happier future can also keep you from getting bogged down in revenge fantasies and other toxic energy expenditures.

"Accept who your ex-spouse is and isn't and move forward without wanting revenge and without anger," Hallier said. "Get rid of the notion that this divorce will somehow vindicate you as the one in the right. Certainly there are emotions that have to be dealt with, but if you focus these negative energies on the process of divorce you lose this golden opportunity to reshape your life for the better."

That will likely mean setting aside some old habits and, equally important, embracing some new ones.

"To anyone divorcing, I would tell her or him, 'Dig a little deeper and engage yourself in activities you never thought you'd do,'" Fahey said. "Maybe do a little meditation. Maybe go on a trip on your own. Start to feel your power and the beauty of taking care of yourself inside and out and embrace the wonderful, happy, fabulous, sexy things that can happen when you're alone."

And keep in mind that you're not all that alone.

"There are all kinds of groups and clubs and travel organizations that cater to people who are single or divorced," Rodman said. "We've moved away from the old paradigm to a culture in which nearly 50 percent of people are divorced, and society at large has had to make room for that."

Happiness, after all, can take up a lot of space.

Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0113-life-after-divorce-20150106-story.html

How to Be Happy in a World of Turmoil

How many times have you thought to yourself the following: If only I had more money, if only I had someone to love, if only I had a better job, if only I felt better.

If only I had that one thing I am missing, I would be happy.

Truth be told, following that reasoning you will never attain real happiness.

Actually, the opposite effect would occur. Instead, you will keep hitting your head against an imaginary line of “wanting more” and suffer throughout the process.

If your basis for finding happiness is possession, whether monetary or emotional, the equation is doomed to fail.

Happiness is not based on what we posses, quite the opposite, happiness is seeing the light in the dark, the good in the bad, and the blessings hidden within the adversity.

All in all, this crazy maze of ups and downs, victories and defeats (aka lessons) are all part of this complex yet fascinating thing we call LIFE.

The key in all of this is to expect for good things to happen despite your current situation. By focusing on your blessings, you allow your mind to operate from a place of thankfulness.

It is then, by letting your mind to “just be,” that the greatest ideas come alive. If you operate from a place of abundance instead a place of scarcity, you allow your creative juices to flow and open the door to better things to appear.

If you are constantly facing rejection, find the strength and hope to keep going. If you do so, you’ll be stepping closer to achieving success and getting closer to achieving your goals.

At a young age, Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a reporter because “she was unfit for television.” Years later, by keeping the flame of hope alive, Oprah became the host of her own program, “The Oprah Winfrey Show” which aired 25 sessions before launching her own television network, The Oprah Winfrey Network.

I am convinced that HOPE is a combination of being persistent, optimistic, and faithful that better days are ahead.

If you keep that simple virtue within the core of your being, it allows your mind to think clearly, it allows you to reflect on the good things of life, and as a result, you allow your mind to operate from a place of creativity and joy, where new ideas and projects can be created.
Everyday that we are able to get out of bed, that we are able to breath, and our heart is beating, is a new opportunity for us to take on the world and hope that the days ahead will continue to get better... And trust me, they will.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jose-aristimuno/how-to-be-happy-find-hope_b_7139954.html

The danger of living on countdown

Most kids I know are counting down the days between to Christmas with a fervour driven from the expectation of new toys, treats and tech that they’ll receive come December 25th. It’s not just the kids either; most adults can tell you how many days of work they’ve got left before a few days of festive R&R.

It seems timely then to reflect on a tendency that many of us have year-round, living our lives counting down, marking the time between now and some point in the future when we can do what we really want; 3 hours until lunch. 4 days until the weekend. 2 weeks until our birthday. 4 months until the family vacation. 2 more years until I can leave this job for something better. You know what I’m getting at.

It’s great to have things to look forward to and anticipate but the danger of this mind-set is that we condition ourselves to another of the scourges of life; believing that now is not good enough and that things will be better at some point in the future. This is more than just a lack of mindfulness that most of us suffer, or a lack of appreciation of the power of now, of being where (and when) we are. It reflects inherent dissatisfaction that many of us have become conditioned to thinking when we consider where we are right now.

There is nothing wrong in looking forwards and I’m a big advocate of focussing on the future rather than the past. We can’t change what has gone; only learn from it and move onwards, hoping for better or indeed for more of the same. Considering our higher values, visualising what we want and guiding our actions towards their achievement are inherently part of assisting ourselves to grow, develop and achieve. If we don’t know where we want to get to, how can we possibly plan how we’ll get there? I’m certainly not advocating living a life without forethought, planning or anticipation.

The danger comes when we cease to appreciate the value of what we have now, right now, here in this moment; a danger that we live in a constant state of putting off our satisfaction to some point in the future when notionally things will be better and life will be more palatable than they are at present. I’m not advocating a life spent in the pursuit of instant-gratification, taking and doing whatever we want without consideration of the consequence. I amsuggesting mindfully appreciating what we have in this moment and seeking the enjoyment or at least appreciation of that.

I remember vividly my early days as a parent. The inherent joy was suffused with inevitable sleepless nights, worry and physical and mental challenge from being tasked with keeping our exceedingly demanding new-born alive and happy. I recall (thankfully with rose-tinted hindsight) the nights spent changing, feeding, winding and pacing around the house, attempting to soothe a crying baby; during those long nights when it seemed like everyone else in the world was enjoying a deep and restful sleep, I comforted myself that it wouldn’t be this way for long. I yearned for the day when a new-born starts to settle, and an uninterrupted 6 hours of sleep wouldn’t seem like an outrageous impossibility.

With the passing of time, the challenges of pacifying a new-born baby were replaced with other equally challenging phases; teething, toddling, the terrible twos, endless colds and bugs, and a myriad of other tests that mark the passing of the early years. In each of these periods I found myself comforted by thoughts that it wouldn’t be this way forever but with hindsight I remember most, if not all phases in the lives of my kids with fondness and wistfulness, not a sense of relief at their passing.

It seems to me that in parenting and in many other aspects of life I’ve been guilty of always looking to the future as the point at which things will be easier and more fulfilling and rewarding rather than keeping myself present in the now and enjoying every aspect of the moment. That the rewards have come and that I can look back fondly on even the most testing events of the past is fortunate for certain, but I can’t help but wonder what happiness I missed out on along the way merely because I was so fixated on what was to come.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a child, I vividly remember counting down the days to the weekend, the number of sleeps until a family holiday and in adolescence, the number of shifts left at work until the summer break or how many semesters before graduation. In the early years of my career I was permanently fixated on the next role, the promotion that would finally endow me with the authority (and pay-check) that I desired, and the material possessions that would eventually be mine. I have been way too guilty in the past of taking my eye off the here and now in favour of considering the shinier and happier future, and it’s one of the many traits I hope not to pass on to my kids.

When the going gets tough it’s a natural tendency to remind ourselves or those around us sharing the period of challenge that things won’t always be this way, and inevitably that can be a source of comfort. Perhaps an alternative means of tackling these challenges would be to mindfully acknowledge and accept the way that things are and to consider what the lessons are we can take from what we’re currently experiencing, or even, dare I suggest it, to enjoy the feeling of taking on the challenges?

This is of course easier said than done at times. In the midst of a busy period at work or in the run up to exams or assignment deadlines at school or college it can be hard to see anything very positive about the now; rather, we focus on that point in the future when it will all be over. Perhaps though in this moment if we can elevate ourselves to see things from a slightly greater altitude, we may just take off the pressure. If we can acknowledge that we are undoubtedly in the midst of stress, challenge and even emotional, psychological or intellectual hardship, we may also be simultaneously proving to ourselves and others just how much we can handle and the circumstances within which we can thrive. Such realisations can be a great source of happiness, comfort and empowerment.

Such realisations may only dawn on us in reflection, once the time of challenge has passed and we have weathered the storm. It is this tendency that often gives us the rose-tinted hindsight that most enjoy. The lessons we can take from times of difficulty and the opportunities we have for growth in the aftermath will undoubtedly be heightened if we can not only get through them as quickly as possible, but actually be mindful of the challenges at the time and to learn and grow as we go rather than waiting until some point in the future.

It isn’t necessarily intuitive to be mindful and present as we contemplate the challenges of the now, but if we can get better at recognising quicker that we didn’t just get through challenging times, but that we thrived, grew and owned the moment then that is a huge positive step.

In mastering this skill, we can then enjoy both the big things that are forthcoming such as Christmas, but also the little things too. More joy sounds good to me!

Toby

7 Thoughtful Ways to Stress Less

Let go a little to be happier and live better.

How many of you want to grow old faster? What, no takers?!

Well, did you know you accelerate your aging when you regularly experience stress or anxiety? Seriously, if you’re too tired or too wired, take note of the seven strategies here to help you stress a little less:

1. Give up the daily guilt.

Let’s get some perspective. Too many of us waste time feeling guilty that our life is out of balance, but you’ll never feel balanced as long as you have goals and dreams. Why? There’s always way too much to do, to learn, to accomplish.

If you’re like me and have passion for your work, it’s easy to lose yourself in your tasks and projects since they bring you joy. At a certain point, however, I have to consciously ditch work to spend time with friends and family (minus my phone).

Quit thinking you need to “touch” everything each day and look at how “balanced” your life is over a period of time, not a specific day of the week. Take this one step farther and realize that it’s about being balanced over your lifetime. It all evens out.

2. Realize good is good enough.

Any other recovering perfectionists out there? Stop wasting time creating the “perfect” proposal, letter or marketing brochure, seeking the ideal gift for your nephew, the best comforter for your bedroom, or the supremely clean house. Stop at 80 percent and move on to the next task. Otherwise, hours of your life are wasted and nobody notices the difference but you. Get over yourself and take a step closer to acceptance.

3. Snooze, or lose.

Yeah, I can hear you stress puppies already: “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” But the point is you will be dead sooner as a result. Exhaustion is not a badge of honor. Without sleep, you are worthless to yourself and those around you.

Staying up even one hour later to finish a task or watch Grey’s Anatomy costs you more than your health. Try irritability, trouble retaining information, minor illness, poor judgment, increased mistakes and even weight gain. A Harvard Business Review study of 975 global managers determined that 45 percent of high-earning managers are too pooped to even speak to their spouse or partner after work. This is your wake-up call to get your ZZZ’s.

4. Scale back on drive time.

When choosing a new doctor, dentist, hairdresser, whatever, find one as close to home as possible. Bonus: with gas so expensive, think of the savings! The same holds true when finding activities for any family members—stay local. Sure the ideal preschool, soccer club or SAT study group may be a longer commute, but add up all the drive time in advance and ask if it’s really worth it before committing to rush-hour jams and early alarm clocks.

Still determined? Set up carpools and recognize you don’t have to be at every activity. Sure it’s fun to participate, but your child will not turn into a serial killer if you miss a few games or performances.

5. Say no to others so you can say yes to you.

Are you turning down distractions disguised as opportunities? Are you being asked to join social sites that are leaving you no time to network with the people under your roof? Are you still knocking yourself out to host the annual Labor Day party when all you see is the labor ahead?

It’s not selfish to say no to others when the intent is to clear some space to say yes to you. Life does go on even if you aren’t involved in every activity, party or event. Look at it this way: Being missed makes you more interesting and appreciated when you do show up.

6. Power off.

The quickest way to gain downtime is to turn off the phone, TV and computer and enjoy the lack of distractions. I’ve spoken to people who feel anxious when their DVR is overloaded with recordings and they don’t have the time to watch their shows. C’mon, do you really need to know who’s getting kicked off the island or what has-been star can dance?

Some people say TV relaxes them, but I believe it’s more of a habit than a way to lower stress. TV just numbs you, and when the show’s over, your pressures resurface. Same with the computer. Sure, it’s great to connect with old friends on Facebook, but do you really need to know what someone ate for dinner?

Rather than screen sucking, grab that unopened book from your shelf, call a good friend or grab a cup of your favorite beverage and reflect on your day.

7. Embrace the messiness.

Having been raised by not one but two neat freaks, my old mantra was: There is a place for everything and everything belongs in its place. When I was single, the television remote stayed in the same spot, my pillows were strategically placed, and the countertops were void of dishes.

Now that I share my life with a family, the opposite is true. My new mantra: A clean house doesn’t define you; it confines you. Even with twice-monthly help, my house is usually messy—not dirty, but messy… big difference and one I’m learning to live with if I want to have a life outside of cleaning.

Embrace the messiness. It comes with the territory and means you’re leading a busy,fulfilling life—not a Stepford existence.

And if all else fails, remember you’re too blessed to be stressed! It’s impossible to feel stress and be grateful at the same time. When you’re on overwhelm, simply take a deep breath and count your blessings—works every time.

Source: http://www.success.com/article/7-thoughtful-ways-to-stress-less

How Gratitude Can Change Your Life

“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

– Meister Eckhart

Gratitude means thankfulness, counting your blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present. In addition, behavioral and psychological research has shown the surprising life improvements that can stem from the practice of gratitude. Giving thanks makes people happier and more resilient, it strengthens relationships, it improves health, and it reduces stress.

RESEARCH SHOWS GRATITUDE HEIGHTENS QUALITY OF LIFE

Two psychologists, Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, and Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis, wrote an article about an experiment they conducted on gratitude and its impact on well-being. The study split several hundred people into three different groups and all of the participants were asked to keep daily diaries. The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day without being told specifically to write about either good or bad things; the second group was told to record their unpleasant experiences; and the last group was instructed to make a daily list of things for which they were grateful. The results of the study indicated that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism, and energy. In addition, those in the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, were more likely to help others, exercised more regularly, and made greater progress toward achieving personal goals.

Dr. Emmons – who has been studying gratitude for almost ten years and is considered by many to be the world’s leading authority on gratitude – is author of the book, “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier”. The information in this book is based on research involving thousands of people conducted by a number of different researchers around the world. One of the things these studies show is that practicing gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25%. This is significant, among other things, because just as there’s a certain weight that feels natural to your body and which your body strives to maintain, your basic level of happiness is set at a predetermined point. If something bad happens to you during the day, your happiness can drop momentarily, but then it returns to its natural set-point. Likewise, if something positive happens to you, your level of happiness rises, and then it returns once again to your “happiness set-point”. A practice of gratitude raises your “happiness set-point” so you can remain at a higher level of happiness regardless of outside circumstances.

In addition, Dr. Emmons’ research shows that those who practice gratitude tend to be more creative, bounce back more quickly from adversity, have a stronger immune system, and have stronger social relationships than those who don’t practice gratitude. He further points out that “To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.”

NOTICE AND APPRECIATE EACH DAY’S GIFTS

People tend to take for granted the good that is already present in their lives. There’s a gratitude exercise that instructs that you should imagine losing some of the things that you take for granted, such as your home, your ability to see or hear, your ability to walk, or anything that currently gives you comfort. Then imagine getting each of these things back, one by one, and consider how grateful you would be for each and every one. In addition, you need to start finding joy in the small things instead of holding out for big achievements—such as getting the promotion, having a comfortable nest egg saved up, getting married, having the baby, and so on–before allowing yourself to feel gratitude and joy.

Another way to use giving thanks to appreciate life more fully is to use gratitude to help you put things in their proper perspective. When things don’t go your way, remember that every difficulty carries within it the seeds of an equal or greater benefit. In the face of adversity ask yourself: “What’s good about this?”, “What can I learn from this?”, and “How can I benefit from this?”

THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO PRACTICE GRATITUDE

A common method to develop the practice of gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal, a concept that was made famous by Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book “Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude”. This exercise basically consists of writing down every day a list of three to ten things for which you are grateful; you can do this first thing in the morning or before going to bed at night. Another exercise you can try is to write a gratitude letter to a person who has exerted a positive influence in your life but whom you have not properly thanked. Some experts suggest that you set up a meeting with this person and read the letter to them face to face.

Last year millions of people took the challenge proposed by Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister, to go 21 days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. To help condition the participants to stop complaining, they each wore a purple No-Complaint wristband. Several authors in the self-improvement genre have suggested that people do something similar to help condition themselves to be constantly aware of the things in life that they’re grateful for.

A variation of the wristband concept is to create a gratitude charm bracelet, with either one meaningful charm or different charms representing the things you’re most grateful for. For example, you could have a charm shaped like a heart to symbolize your significant other, figurines to represent different family members, an apple to represent health, a dollar sign to symbolize abundance, a charm that represents your current profession or a future career, and maybe a charm that makes you laugh to represent humor and joy.

CONCLUSION

Once you become oriented toward looking for things to be grateful for, you will find that you begin to appreciate simple pleasures and things that you previously took for granted. Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good even in unpleasant situations. Today, start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful; in this way, you’ll be on your way toward becoming a master of gratitude.

Source: http://www.thechangeblog.com/gratitude/