Don't let yourself off, keep on going!

As we work towards a goal or through a period of challenge, and when faced with a difficult task, when we feel tired and in need of a rest, or sometimes just when we're controlled by fear, it can be tempting to take a break, to let ourselves off, to be 'kind' to ourselves.

At times like these, it's all the more important to keep on going, to take the difficult decision, confront the unpleasant task and to have the awkward conversation. 

Through continued action, relentlessly committing to the goal and taking step-by-step eventually we'll achieve our goals and get to where we want and deserve to be.

I wish you a happy, fulfilled and successful 2018 as you work through your divorce and forwards to your new and better life. I'm right there with you, pressing ever forwards and onwards!

Single Fathers Who Support Their Children Without Any Reservations

SAN ANGELO,TX- Raising children as a single parent is never easy. It takes a motivated individual who can lead a household with the day-to-day duties of parenting, while also providing financial support through a full-time job.

According to a 2016 U.S.Census report, single mothers generally represent the majority of single parents. The report shows that out of 12 million single parent families in 2016, about 80 percent were single mothers (9,781,000 families), while single fathers represented 17 percent (2,033,000 families). Though single mothers represent the majority of single-parenting households, it’s important to account for single fathers who also run a household.


LIVE! spoke with two single fathers to get a better understanding of the challenges they face. Both parents preferred to remain anonymous for the sake of their children and families; therefore, LIVE! has changed their names for the purpose of the article.

In the first case, Bob provides for multiple children in his household. After divorcing from his wife, he saw his kids on alternating weekends.

His weekend began by picking up the kids from the mother’s house, and then going grocery shopping to buy all the necessities, including snacks, fruit and meals for the weekend. All of the preparation to maintain a clean house, on top of other duties, would have to be finished through the week with a full-time work schedule.

“I cooked all the time for [the kids],” Bob said. “We would eat and then I would get them prepped for the day; it’s something you just have to do.”


He noted that after the first two years of alternating weekend custody with his ex-wife, he received full custody of the children. After winning custody, Bob's children became a priority to him and he had to find a job that would give him flexible work hours. Thankfully, Bob soon found a job where he could decide his own hours, which allowed him to spend more time with his kids.

“I made sure to have a job were the employer understood my circumstances,” he explained. “If my kids were sick or needed anything, I knew I had their support with putting them first.”

Bob expressed how fortunate he was to find employers like this, as they were hard to find.
However, work can still be unpredictable. If Bob couldn’t get off work, he explained that he still had family members who could be available to help him with any immediate obligations.
“I was thankful to have help from my family during those stressful times,” he said.


Overall, having multiple children in one house can be financially straining. Bob explained that while transitioning into a single-parent household, he had to cut back on some luxuries to account for the new financial responsibility. Bob even had to trade in his pickup truck for a more economically reasonable car.

”You have to budget everything, from food, utilities to clothing,” he said.


Despite the hardships the kids had to endure during their parents' divorce, Bob mentioned the relationship with his kids is strong. Of course, "at the back of [my kids'] minds, they wanted us to get back together," Bob said, as "they miss their mother, but they also knew [the divorce] was for the best."

For Bob, he will do anything to help protect and support his kids.


"Every morning, I wake up and worry about my children," Bob said. "I can't give up; I keep going to make sure they are happy."

The second dad, James, is a father to a daughter whom he only sees on the weekends currently because of his job and school work. While he works on providing for his daughter financially and works to secure a future for them by getting a college education, his family helps care for his daughter. James' parents help him by getting his daughter to school during the work week and watching over her. James expressed his gratitude, saying, “Everyone involved is looking after her, and that takes a weight off my mind."

As James only has weekends together with his daughter, he actively seeks to be a part of her life. James constantly tells himself he works for her benefit. The time he spends away from her is challenging; however, he knows that in the end, the hardships will pay off.


“If I take care of myself financially, then I know she will be taken care of as well,” James said.


Motivating him through life's most challenging moments is the the love and support from his daughter. James is separated from his daughter’s mother, but knowing his child is looked after while he's away makes the transition easier. He said his daughter understands he is busy during the week, and it make the time they have together all the more special.

“I’m a phone call away, and I’m always ready to leave if she ever needs me,” James noted.
He said one key distinction in the relationship of father and daughter is wanting to be a role model.

“You want to be seen as their hero,” James said.
At the end of the week, he knows providing for her is a responsibility that he upholds without any doubt.

“I’ve been fortunate enough to provide for her with everything that she needs,” James added.


As a single dad who works throughout the week and is in the midst of pursuing a college education, many people have questioned his choices; however, he feels that, in the long run, his aspirations for a Ph.D. will open up more opportunities for his daughter.


“I’ve been able to network with people in my career, and this has also helped me grow as a person,” James said. “I believe these experiences have made me a better parent.”
Instead of working a job with limited opportunities to excel, James wanted to pursue a career he was passionate about.

“I don’t want to look back and think that I could have done more for her,” James said. “I want to do the best for my daughter.”

Source: http://sanangelolive.com/news/san-angelo/2017-03-22/single-fathers-who-support-their-children-without-any-reservations

10 Empowering Tips For Re-Entering The Workforce After Divorce

What distinguishes a divorced mom from any other applicant as she re-enters the workforce is that she is either in the midst of crisis or in the wake of a crisis. In the quest to find a job or clients and customers for herself, she will compete with people who are feeling settled and happy or, perhaps, wide-eyed 20-somethings newly out of college and grad school. She will compete against women who do not have the responsibilities of caring for children. She will compete against men.



In terms of preparing myself as I joined the ranks of competitors in the depths of the recession, I read many articles that dealt with resumes, cover letters, and interviews. And these were full of suggestions not without value. I would recommend reading all you can. However, I got most bogged down in the part that involved me, as an individual, reimagining my future as my world completely dissolved.

This step of envisioning where you want to go and who you want to be, takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength that is lost on those who are not in the wake of, emotional trauma.

To find that internal footing from which to launch yourself, try the following 10 tips to boost your sense of empowerment when re-entering the workforce after divorce:

1. Be “unrealistic!”: 

As your new life unfolds, there may be numerous opportunities to crashland in "reality." However, I would say to try to allow for opening up wide to the potential of your future as you explore your options. Do your best to prevent hemming yourself in by "realism." We must be philosophers and question What is reality anyway? People around you may say things like, "Oh, don't expect to go back at your old salary." They may grimace and frown and say, "At your age you will bump into agism." People say all kinds of depressing things that would seem to hem us in and hold us down as they project their fears onto us. Try to have your imaginary shield up for this kind of thing and don't create an artificial box for yourself and think you are somehow limited before you even begin. Try to allow for infinite possibility, and even happiness, in your new work life.

2. Be a legend in your own mind: 

Because you are "starting over again," there is a wonderful opportunity to completely change your career direction. Just because you were a project manager before having kids doesn't mean you have to be one now. Are there any latent dreams you've had about becoming a milliner and running a cottage industry online somewhere like Etsy? Have you always wanted to sing? Again, as in Tip 1, try not to limit yourself too quickly (if at all) by brushing aside any dearly held dreams. Sure, you may have to get the proverbial day job until you launch something else, however this is a golden time in your life to reinvent yourself. Write down a list of all the jobs you saw yourself doing when you were a child. Write down the jobs that other women have that, when you ponder them, make you just a tad jealous or create a sense of longing. What does your heart long for in terms of your professional world?

3. Be Wonder Woman: 

So much of what we end up doing in the outer world begins with a series of thoughts we have. If our inner dialogue is fearful and cautious, we might accept sub-par job offers thinking that we have to grab the first thing even if it isn't right for us. Even if you are the most passive woman on the planet, picture yourself not only as confident and proactive but with several super powers to boot. Have fun with it.

4. Cast your net wide: 

College applicants are told to apply to three tiers of choices: their "reach" schools, their 2nd choice schools and their fall-back schools. Think of your job search in a similar way. Even if you don't get the advertised position, the HR person might pull your resume for a different opportunity.

5. Take aim like Artemis: 

In addition to being a superhero, imagine you are a powerful woman in mythology who goes after what she wants. Imagine a job as a bright red apple and you drawing back your golden arrow. Focus on what you want. Know what excites you and makes your heart say YES!and then take aim.

6. Have a multi-pronged strategy: 

Yes, you should look at job listings and send resumes. However, try other approaches as well. Walk into a business and talk to the people there. Invite a manager to have coffee with you for an informational interview. Go to job fairs. Be creative.

7. Don't fret over your resume: 

Heresy, right? Of course you must have a resume. However, odds are your resume won't be the thing that gets you the interview or the job. If working on your resume is the bogeyman that prevents you from moving forward with your job search, begin by setting up a Linkedin account at Linkedin.com. You don't have to complete it to have a presence on Linkedin. Just get your name and a brief description of your industry and past job experience so you can begin to build your contacts base.

8. Believe in your technical skills: 

Try not to confuse your comfort level with your true ability. When the job description says, "Must be Microsoft Word proficient," it does not mean you have to be a Word genius. It just means you need to have worked on Word. Are you comfortable with computers? Maybe not. But that does not mean you should limit yourself from applying to a perfectly good job. Many community colleges have cheap or free classes on basic skills for computers.

9. Network like a mother: 

This is most likely how you will find a job. Use Linkedin. Use your friends. Use your family. Use professional associations. This is how it is done. Connections. Use your superpowers to gain courage and start the power lunches.

10. Have vision: 

Picture what you WANT your new life to look like in 5-10 years and hold tight to that vision. Finding a job--or settling on a career path--may take longer than expected and, at times, feel frustrating. It is important to draw upon your inner resources and who you really are--or who you can be--when life isn't cooperating yet. Know what you really want the outcome to be deep in your heart. The road may be long, but you CAN get there.

Source: http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/10-empowering-tips-for-reentering-the-workforce-after-divorce

6 Things Every Divorced Parent Should Put On Their "Stop-Doing" List

Dear Kids,

I’ve been thinking about how life has changed for you. There are so many things about our divorce that I wish I could fix or make less painful for you but I can’t. I hate that.

You may not know this but I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I should be or could be doing to make things better for you. What I’ve realized is that sometimes what you stop doing is just as important as what you are doing.

Here are a few things I’m going to put on my “stop-doing” list.

1. I will stop avoiding the “hard “conversations.

There’s some tough stuff regarding the divorce that you and I should probably be talking about. Truth is, I worry about making things worse for you. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t know how to answer your questions? So instead of saying something, I end up saying nothing.

I know that my silence may leave you wondering if it’s okay to talk about it.
When you’ve been brave enough to speak up, there have been times when I’ve put you off or tried to casually change the subject.

The parent in me wants to protect you, to make the hurt and upset stop. The rational part of me knows I can’t and that keeping you in the dark isn't helping either.

You should feel like it’s okay to talk and ask questions. Avoiding the subject is my problem, not yours.

Moving forward, I'm going to do my best to change that. I will work on talking about the elephant in the room and speaking the hard truth.

Deep down I know you are wiser and stronger than I think. You are resilient beyond words. I have every faith that you can get through the this and will use what happened in our family to grow into a better person.

2. I will stop ignoring myself.

A lot of times I feel stuck but don’t reach out for help. I’ve convinced myself if I just dig deep and keep my head down, I can get through this on my own.

The problem is it doesn’t always work. There are times when I feel exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed and sometimes even resentful of our situation. I know when this happens I can’t be the parent you need me to be. So, I try harder. This usually leads to me feeling really guilty and beating myself up for not being a better parent.

I often pay more attention to putting out fires and checking off to-do lists than whether I’m eating, sleeping or getting a break once in a while.

However, I realize that if I don’t make it, you won’t either.

While I may not always know where to turn, I will commit to finding some support. Whether it’s a trusted friend to help me sort things out, reading a book or finding a professional who can offer some insight, I will take that first step. I will make time to see a movie just for me, hang out with friends or go for a run.

I promise to do a better job of taking care of myself. Not only will it allow me be a better parent, but maybe it will help you set the bar a little higher for yourself someday.

3. I will stop expecting my truth to be your reality.

I hope you know I want you to be able to love both of your parents. You should never have to pick sides, worry about being fair or feel caught in the middle of our problems.
I realize what I see and feel about your other parent isn’t your truth, it’s mine.

And yet, sometimes feelings and memories from the past get the best of me. I forget that we can be two good people who didn’t make a good couple. That we will always be the only Mom and Dad you will ever have.

So I am going to try harder to separate my feelings about our marriage from your needs. To be more supportive of your relationship with your other parent and your home with them.
I will do my best to see what you see and stay focused on how important both of your parents are to you.

4. I will stop keeping score.

Sharing time with you is really hard. I resent not always being the parent who gets to see the first time you ride a bike, score a goal, win the science fair or go to the prom. I want to be there for all of it and it sucks that I can’t.

As a result, I can get really focused on having “my time” with you and keeping things fair. I forget that what feels fair to me, may not feel so great for you.

I know that when I get caught up in keeping score, you do too. Even though you don’t talk about it, I know there are times when you worry about keeping things the same between us. That’s not a burden I want you to bear.

I will do my best to be flexible instead of dividing up the minutes and hours of your life. Even though sharing isn’t easy, I will find ways to share those special moments with your other parent.

I will work harder to create memories with you that will last a lifetime and remind myself that "when" something happens isn’t nearly as important as "what" happens.

5. I will stop sweating the small stuff.

When your other parent and I hit a bump in the road or don’t agree, I can dig my heels in with the best of them. I can get over-focused on being right and close minded. When I’m in “my way or the highway” mode, I have a difficult time seeing beyond what’s right in front of me and taking in the big picture.

Truth is, most things don’t matter as much as we think. When you take a step back, most of the problems we lose sleep over are actually quite small.

When things go pear-shaped, I’ll try to give myself some perspective by asking “What difference will this make one month from now? How about six months or a year?”

6. I will stop making negative comparisons.

There are times when I see glimpses of your other parent in you and not always in a good way. When your room is a mess, I know I’ve slipped up and said “You’re just like your Dad.” When you talk smack about a rule you don’t like, I might have said, “You’re as stubborn as your Mom,” or worse.

I’m sorry for that.

When parents get divorced, it’s like you have blinders on. It’s easy to get caught up in all the negative, petty stuff you don’t like about each other. But that’s not fair to you. I know you think of yourself as half mom and half dad, which is the way it should be.

Everyone (including parents) has things that are really great about them and some things that are not so great.

From now on, I’ll do my best to steer clear of zeroing in on the not so great and put more energy into reminding you of the wonderful ways you are like both of us.

I imagine there are other areas of my co-parenting I could improve on. What I want you to know is I am committed to doing what I can to give you the childhood you deserve. You mean everything to me. I always want the love I have for you to be greater than any need I have to be right, proud or in control.

Being your parent is one of the most important jobs I’ve ever had. I hope when you look back on all of this, I’ll have done some things to make you proud.

Love you always,

Your Parent

Source: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/6-things-every-divorced-parent-should-put-stop-doing-list-mcghee?trk=v-feed&lipi=urn%3Ali%3Apage%3Ad_flagship3_profile_view_base_recent_activity_details_all%3BQ6%2F30MH1Rjd5UVTk6QpiSA%3D%3D

10 things I wish I'd known before getting divorced

As a divorce mediator for many years, I thought I was more prepared than anyone for what lay ahead as I faced my own divorce. Well, I was wrong! Here are some of the things no one told me, which I learned from going through it — and coming out on the other side.

1. Even if you are the one who wants to get divorced, you may often feel sad, loss, fear, anxiety.

Whether or not you initiated the split, one is often unprepared for just how big of a life transition divorce really is. It's a time that not only includes the loss of a marriage, but often also includes the loss of other relationships in your life (your ex’s family, certain friends, and less time with your children, for example). In the process of letting go of your past married life, you will need to begin to create your new life, which often brings tremendous personal growth. However, until you get there, you will likely feel a great amount of fear and anxiety of the unknown. It takes work, but you will find happiness at the other end!

2. Just because you are divorced, all of your problems don’t just disappear. You still need to deal with your ex — particularly if there are children involved.

I so often hear from others who are divorced, “Ugh, I cant stand him!” or “She is driving me crazy!” and I always respond with “That’s why you are no longer married to him/her!” Remember that the bad behaviors you lived with don’t just disappear when you get divorced — the buttons they used to press when you were married may still get triggered, and sometimes even more so after you split. Do your best to let it go and not let it get to you anymore. Easier said then done; it takes practice.

3. Once the divorce papers are signed, now the real work begins. You need to heal from the emotional turmoil of a bad marriage and learn to be happy alone before you can enter a new relationship.

Creating two new homes after divorce with the same resources is one of the first big challenges one may need to make. You may need to go back to work, which can be a huge challenge if you have been home with your kids for so many years.

Your self-esteem will likely need a boost after working so hard at a relationship that ultimately failed. I have found it to be so important to take time to figure out who I am again, apart from being someone’s wife: What are my interests and what kind of partner will really make me happy? Finding these answers takes time, and it can be a fun and interesting journey along the way if you let it be.

4. Your kids may not tell you how they feel, though it may come out through their behaviors.

It is so important to watch your kids' actions and behaviors (life if they start to sleep in your bed, fight with each other, or show signs of depression) and not just go by what they say or don’t say. I so often hear “my kids are doing great” but then when I probe a little further, I find out a very different story. Talk to your kids about what they are thinking and feeling continuously — I have been divorced for five years, and my kids are still sad, have questions and wish their parents were still together. Keep communication going.

5. Don’t rush through the process, as tempting as that is. Everyone needs time to adjust and make good, clear decisions that you can live with for many years to come.

During the divorce process there are so many difficult decisions that need to be made, and these should not be made swiftly or without a lot of time to think and process. If you rush, many of these decisions will be fueled by emotions rather than careful consideration. Try and always put your children's best interests first and you will be ahead of the game.

6. You may lose some friends — the ones you thought would be there for you may not be, and vice versa.

This was rather surprising to me: Some people actually think divorce can be contagious! And maybe it is? We all know that there are many unhappily married people out there who are frightened (and I don’t blame them one bit) to get divorced. These people often do not want you around their spouses, giving them any ideas or courage to take that step.

And then there will be the friends, sometimes even the ones you weren’t so close to in the past, that come forward and are tremendously supportive. The largest complaint I hear from divorced people is that their married friends no longer invite them out anymore. So it's important to create new friends — single friends and married friends that are comfortable including you in their plans.

7. Let go of your anger and resentment toward your spouse — this can only hurt you and your children and no good can come from it!

This is so important! Holding on to your anger about what was or what happened in the past will only hurt you physically and emotionally. This doesn’t mean you condone your ex’s behavior, it simply means you need to let go of it. If you feel stuck, seek help — a therapist, a divorce advisor, or a divorce support group.

8. Holidays are so hard, especially in the first few years. Start new traditions and make sure you are not alone.

This is definitely one of the hardest parts for me about being divorced. Holidays to me are about being with family and those you love the most. So each holiday where my ex has my kids, I make sure I do something special that makes me happy and I don’t stay home and sulk. I do continue to spend those holidays with my family and sometimes try and see my kids at some point during that day.

9. Spare your children from bad-mouthing your spouse no matter what: This can actually crush their self-esteem.

As tempting as it may be, bad-mouthing your ex to your children is a big no-no! Children want — and have the right — to love both parents. Saying bad things about the other parent will come back to bite you, as your kids will likely resent you for it (if not now, later).

10. Don’t rush to start dating again!

Our children are not ready to see us with someone new, and you need time to figure out who you are and who would make you happy. Take at least a year off to work on yourself and focus on your children. Trust me, you need time alone to figure out who you are again. Until you know that, you are likely to make bad choices and may even choose a partner just like the one you just divorced! Kids too need time to heal and are likely to reject your new partner if they aren’t ready.

Source: 

The Science of Positive Thinking: How Positive Thoughts Build Your Skills, Boost Your Health, and Improve Your Work

Positive thinking sounds useful on the surface. (Most of us would prefer to be positive rather than negative.) But “positive thinking” is also a soft and fluffy term that is easy to dismiss. In the real world, it rarely carries the same weight as words like “work ethic” or “persistence.”
But those views may be changing.

Research is beginning to reveal that positive thinking is about much more than just being happy or displaying an upbeat attitude. Positive thoughts can actually create real value in your life and help you build skills that last much longer than a smile.

The impact of positive thinking on your work, your health, and your life is being studied by people who are much smarter than me. One of these people is Barbara Fredrickson.
Fredrickson is a positive psychology researcher at the University of North Carolina, and she published a landmark paper that provides surprising insights about positive thinking and its impact on your skills. Her work is among the most referenced and cited in her field, and it is surprisingly useful in everyday life.

Let’s talk about Fredrickson’s discovery and what it means for you...

What Negative Thoughts Do to Your Brain

Play along with me for a moment.

Let’s say that you’re walking through the forest and suddenly a tiger steps onto the path ahead of you. When this happens, your brain registers a negative emotion — in this case, fear.

Researchers have long known that negative emotions program your brain to do a specific action. When that tiger crosses your path, for example, you run. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. You are focused entirely on the tiger, the fear it creates, and how you can get away from it.

In other words, negative emotions narrow your mind and focus your thoughts. At that same moment, you might have the option to climb a tree, pick up a leaf, or grab a stick — but your brain ignores all of those options because they seem irrelevant when a tiger is standing in front of you.

This is a useful instinct if you’re trying to save life and limb, but in our modern society we don’t have to worry about stumbling across tigers in the wilderness. The problem is that your brain is still programmed to respond to negative emotions in the same way — by shutting off the outside world and limiting the options you see around you.

For example, when you’re in a fight with someone, your anger and emotion might consume you to the point where you can’t think about anything else. Or, when you are stressed out about everything you have to get done today, you may find it hard to actual start anything because you’re paralyzed by how long your to-do list has become. Or, if you feel bad about not exercising or not eating healthy, all you think about is how little willpower you have, how you’re lazy, and how you don’t have any motivation.

In each case, your brain closes off from the outside world and focuses on the negative emotions of fear, anger, and stress — just like it did with the tiger. Negative emotions prevent your brain from seeing the other options and choices that surround you. It’s your survival instinct.

Now, let’s compare this to what positive emotions do to your brain. This is where Barbara Fredrickson returns to the story.

What Positive Thoughts Do to Your Brain

Fredrickson tested the impact of positive emotions on the brain by setting up a little experiment. During this experiment, she divided her research subjects into five groups and showed each group different film clips.

The first two groups were shown clips that created positive emotions. Group 1 saw images that created feelings of joy. Group 2 saw images that created feelings of contentment.
Group 3 was the control group. They saw images that were neutral and produced no significant emotion.

The last two groups were shown clips that created negative emotions. Group 4 saw images that created feelings of fear. Group 5 saw images that created feelings of anger.
Afterward, each participant was asked to imagine themselves in a situation where similar feelings would arise and to write down what they would do. Each participant was handed a piece of paper with 20 blank lines that started with the phrase, “I would like to...”
Participants who saw images of fear and anger wrote down the fewest responses. Meanwhile, the participants who saw images of joy and contentment, wrote down a significantly higher number of actions that they would take, even when compared to the neutral group.

In other words, when you are experiencing positive emotions like joy, contentment, and love, you will see more possibilities in your life. These findings were among the first that suggested positive emotions broaden your sense of possibility and open your mind up to more options.

But that was just the beginning. The really interesting impact of positive thinking happens later...

How Positive Thinking Builds Your Skill Set

The benefits of positive emotions don’t stop after a few minutes of good feelings subside. In fact, the biggest benefit that positive emotions provide is an enhanced ability to build skills and develop resources for use later in life.

Let’s consider a real-world example.

A child who runs around outside, swinging on branches and playing with friends, develops the ability to move athletically (physical skills), the ability to play with others and communicate with a team (social skills), and the ability to explore and examine the world around them (creative skills). In this way, the positive emotions of play and joy prompt the child to build skills that are useful and valuable in everyday life.

These skills last much longer than the emotions that initiated them. Years later, that foundation of athletic movement might develop into a scholarship as a college athlete or the communication skills may blossom into a job offer as a business manager. The happiness that promoted the exploration and creation of new skills has long since ended, but the skills themselves live on.

Fredrickson refers to this as the “broaden and build” theory because positive emotions broaden your sense of possibilities and open your mind, which in turn allows you to build new skills and resources that can provide value in other areas of your life.
As we discussed earlier, negative emotions do the opposite. Why? Because building skills for future use is irrelevant when there is immediate threat or danger (like the tiger on the path).

All of this research begs the most important question of all: If positive thinking is so useful for developing valuable skills and appreciating the big picture of life, how do you actually get yourself to be positive?

How to Increase Positive Thinking in Your Life

What you can do to increase positive emotions and take advantage of the “broaden and build” theory in your life?

Well, anything that sparks feelings of joy, contentment, and love will do the trick. You probably know what things work well for you. Maybe it’s playing the guitar. Maybe it’s spending time with a certain person. Maybe it’s carving tiny wooden lawn gnomes.
That said, here are three ideas for you to consider...

1. Meditation — Recent research by Fredrickson and her colleagues has revealed that people who meditate daily display more positive emotions that those who do not. As expected, people who meditated also built valuable long-term skills. For example, three months after the experiment was over, the people who meditated daily continued to display increased mindfulness, purpose in life, social support, and decreased illness symptoms.
Note: If you’re looking for an easy way to start meditation, here is a 10-minute guided meditation that was recently sent to me. Just close your eyes, breathe, and follow along.

2. Writing — This study, published in the Journal of Research in Personality, examined a group of 90 undergraduate students who were split into two groups. The first group wrote about an intensely positive experience each day for three consecutive days. The second group wrote about a control topic.

Three months later, the students who wrote about positive experiences had better mood levels, fewer visits to the health center, and experienced fewer illnesses. (This blew me away. Better health after just three days of writing about positive things!)

Note: I used to be very erratic in my writing, but now I publish a new blog every Monday and Thursday. I’ve written more about my writing process and how you can stick to your goals in this blog and this blog.

3. Play — Schedule time to play into your life. We schedule meetings, conference calls, weekly events, and other responsibilities into our daily calendars... why not schedule time to play?

When was the last time you blocked out an hour on your calendar just to explore and experiment? When was the last time you intentionally carved out time to have fun? You can’t tell me that being happy is less important than your Wednesday meeting, and yet, we act like it is because we never give it a time and space to live on our calendars.

Give yourself permission to smile and enjoy the benefits of positive emotion. Schedule time for play and adventure so that you can experience contentment and joy, and explore and build new skills.

Happiness vs. Success (Which Comes First?)

There’s no doubt that happiness is the result of achievement. Winning a championship, landing a better job, finding someone you love — these things will bring joy and contentment to your life. But so often, we wrongly assume that this means happiness always follows success.

How often have you thought, “If I just get ___, then I’ll be set.”

Or, “Once I achieve ___, I’ll be satisfied.”

I know I’m guilty of putting off happiness until I achieve some arbitrary goal. But as Fredrickson’s “broaden and build” theory proves, happiness is essential to building the skills that allow for success.

In other words, happiness is both the precursor to success and the result of it.
In fact, researchers have often noticed a compounding effect or an “upward spiral” that occurs with happy people. They are happy, so they develop new skills, those skills lead to new success, which results in more happiness, and the process repeats itself.

Where to Go From Here

Positive thinking isn’t just a soft and fluffy feel-good term. Yes, it’s great to simply “be happy,” but those moments of happiness are also critical for opening your mind to explore and build the skills that become so valuable in other areas of your life.

Finding ways to build happiness and positive emotions into your life — whether it is through meditation, writing, playing a pickup basketball game, or anything else — provides more than just a momentary decrease in stress and a few smiles.

Periods of positive emotion and unhindered exploration are when you see the possibilities for how your past experiences fit into your future life, when you begin to develop skills that blossom into useful talents later on, and when you spark the urge for further exploration and adventure.

To put it simply: Seek joy, play often, and pursue adventure. Your brain will do the rest.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-clear/positive-thinking_b_3512202.html

Get a Job Ruling

A Judge has recently ruled in the case of Tracey Wright that she should go out and get herself a job rather than rely on her ex-husband to provide maintenance for her to live on. This has caused huge ripples as there is now expected to be a huge rush to the courts to renegotiate divorce settlements. Spouses can no longer rely on full financial support from their ex partners once their children reach age seven.

I think this has to be looked at from different angles as there are clearly two sides to this argument. It is worth bearing in mind as well that it also works both ways as it has become more common for husband to stay at home and the wife to be the bread winner.


Side 1: The married couple made a decision together that one of them would go out to work and the other would raise the children. Obviously there was never any intention to get divorced at this early stage of family life so it seemed like a sound decision in the best interests of the whole family.

In this instance let’s assume it is the wife who decides to give up her career and look after the kids whilst the husband continues his career. The support at home enables him to grow and develop his career whilst his home life is being taken care of. So his earning potential increases over the years as does his skill set and potential value in the market place.


If further down the line they find themselves getting divorced and their youngest child is over seven years of age then the wife may well now be told to get herself a job as she cannot rely on the financial support of her husband. In this case the woman is at a huge disadvantage to create or maintain her lifestyle with her own career should she have to rely on her own earnings alone. She has been out of the work place for a minimum of seven years and her skill set will need updating. She will also be competing for jobs with others who have not taken a long break from the workplace.

Even at seven years old a child would ideally have his mother around for bedtime and homework. So finding a job that can fit around children, childcare and skill set is not easy.
It is an even more bitter sweet pill to swallow if the husband ended the marriage and the wife had no choice.

Side 2: When a marriage ends and the couple decide to go their separate ways then why should the main bread winner be saddled with the financial responsibility of their ex? Isn’t it only fair that they step up and contribute to their lifestyle if they are getting a divorce? After all they are going their separate ways.

Of course there are many who would hate to take a penny from their ex. As one of my Facebook followers wrote on my page recently: “I would rather eat glass than be dependent on my ex for anything”

Realistically most couples have no choice but for both parties to go out and earn a living as there is not enough money to make it viable for one of them to stay at home with the kids. For them there is no option but to work.

There are also many who do not give up their job when they have the kids. If they never sacrificed their place in the workplace or their personal financial independence then they may well think it is time for women to “stop milking their men” as Sarah Vine wrote in the Daily Mail this week.

How to use this to your benefit:In my opinion after a divorce it is a helpful part of the healing and moving on process to start earning your own money. It helps you to identify who you are again and can work wonders for your confidence and self-esteem. It can also help you to meet new people and create a whole new future for yourself that you never dreamed of.
The job doesn’t need to be scary or difficult - it could be something that fits around your children and that you really enjoy. You can always start small and work up to longer hours or something more challenging.

So whether it is court ordered or not - getting a job is a great idea to help you rebuild your life and find happiness again.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/get-a-job-ruling_b_6767286.html