How Emotionally Strong People Avoid Giving in to Anxiety and Stress (It’s Fascinating)

You don’t always have to accept reality.

Remember those old Road Runner cartoons where Wile E. Coyote would accidentally run off a cliff? And he’d spend a few seconds suspended in mid-air, tentatively dabbing the nothingness beneath with his toe, as if to reassure himself that the ground was still below him?

As viewers, we all know that the second Wile looks down and confirms the reality of his situation, he’s going to plummet to his doom.

Human beings do the same thing all the time. We get ourselves into harrowing situations, we surround ourselves in stress and anxious emotions, but we find ways to delay in the inevitable — we force ourselves to NOT look down — so we can spend a few more seconds walking on air before the universe reminds us that gravity does, in fact, exist.

THAT is the power of denial.

And denial’s unique ability to help people stop themselves from falling into an abyss might actually be a good thing, according to Dr. Holly Parker in her new book, When Reality Bites: How Denial Helps and What to Do When It Hurts.

That’s right. Despite what you’ve heard, denial is not all bad.

When you think about it, denial is a huge part of the human experience.

In fact, it might just be the most human part of our experience, because it’s something that only people do.

You won’t ever see a dog pretending it’s not hungry when there’s a steak in front of it, or a cat acting like it doesn’t want to come inside when it’s raining. Denying what’s really going on around us seems to be something that’s singular to human beings.

People can get creative in their attempts to pretend that the truth that’s right in front of them isn’t true — and some people are really, really good at it. You could even say that a few people are experts on the art of “evading the unwanted.”

But are those people happier because of it?

Well, as I learned during my eye-opening read of When Reality Bites, they might be.

Here’s how denial can actually make us healthier and happier…

In her book, Parker talks about everyday experiences with denial that we’re all familiar with. Ignoring the bills piling up until they’re late? Yep. Feeling sad but never making an attempt to change anything? Check! Denying that you’re not feeling well until your body throws in the towel? We’ve all been there.

According to When Reality Bites, denial allows us to “dial” our awareness up or down to where we need to be emotionally in those everyday moments.

This presents humans with a unique opportunity — the option to take a step back mentally and deal with the issue later on in our own time, because there are times in life where we simply “can’t even.” And there are times when we need to deal with anxiety on our own terms.

Denial is a key factor in our ability to take on the world around us — it’s like an emotional filter — and it’s actually pretty cool, because denial can protect us from what we can’t handle in the moment.

For example, we’ve all seen movies where the main character is taken from their ordinary world and finds themselves thrust into Oz, Narnia, or some other fantastic landscape. Often, the first reaction of these characters is to deny their new reality. “Ah, this has to be a dream.”

Denial allows them to stave off the panic of dealing with witches, dragons, and talking animals long enough to let them slowly acclimate to their new surroundings without flooding their brains with anxiety and horror.

It might be frustrating for the viewers at home, because WE know that’s a real witch, but, for the person dealing with the adversity, having that buffer zone of denial allows them to navigate their scary new reality rather than just shutting down completely.


In When Reality Bites, Parker explains that this behavior is normal and that human beings use denial as a tool to deal with both bad and good things.

We’ve already discussed the bad — denial keeps us from realizing that we’ve fallen off a cliff, that bills are due, or that we’re not in Kansas anymore. But denial can also make good things feel even better.

Delayed gratification is a form of denial. That’s when human beings avoid learning the truth about something — what it looks like, how it feels — to delay its pleasure from eventually ending.

We separate soon-to-be spouses on their wedding day, so they won’t see each other until they walk down the aisle. We refuse to hear spoilers about that show we’re dying to watch.

We wait to learn the gender of a baby until they’re born to make their birth even more dramatic.

Denial can not only protect us from painful truths until we’re ready to deal with them, but it can also make good things last longer.

Denial can, in good times and bad, make us feel like possibilities are endless. That the world is a little more magical than it might really be or that we have more doors open to us than we’d ever imagined.

And, whether that’s true or not, denial can provide us with the emotional support we need to prevent ourselves from lapsing into despair and get us back on our feet, searching for new ways to move forward — even if there actually isn’t a cliff below us anymore.

I started reading When Reality Bites completely skeptical that denial could be a healthy emotion, but I’m a total convert now. Sometimes we all need to ignore what reality is telling us and forge ahead on our own paths, for better or worse. If you’re not sure about the redemptive power of denial, pick up a copy of When Reality Bites and see for yourself.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-fascinating-way-emotionally-strong-people-avoid-anxiety-stress-dg/

Is a ‘Fun Time Parent’ Taking All The Fun Out Of Your Parenting?

The line between having an enjoyable time with one parent versus “Disneyland parenting” is when fun tends to surpass reason, good judgment, and even in some ways the best interest of the kids.

Differences between parent’s homes are inevitable after divorce. Parents involved in custody arrangements often complain about the fact that parenting methods and home environments are vastly different from one another. Obviously differences in lifestyle and opinions about all aspects of life contribute to why couples divorce in the first place, so divorce just opens the door for each party to live life and parent as they see fit.
One common trend is that one home is more structured (scheduled routines, chores, specific expectations, and so on) while the other may be more loose (no or few rules and little structure).

Kids hate being told what to do, being made to do chores, and facing consequences. Who does like those things? The fact is that kids secretly (often unknowingly) thrive on routine and at least some structure. It’s healthy for them to learn cause and effect from their actions, responsibility, and how to care for themselves.

So, no surprise that parents who run a tighter ship get ticked off when everything they work so hard to instill in their children goes right out the window when they go to their other parent’s home, then they have to struggle to reintegrate into the structured environment when they return.

I’ll admit it, I have uttered the words “fun time dad (or mom, referring to my husband’s ex).” It’s like a big rock in my shoe that I can’t shake loose when I work so hard with my kids to do their homework, brush their hair, and help out around the house only to visit “playtime parent” and everything seems to go to hell!

This brings me to a favorite insult of many co-parents- often custodial parents or the ones who have more time with the kids: “Disneyland Dad (or mom- they exist too!).”

I hear the “Disneyland” label thrown around quite a bit to describe a parent who is about nothing but a good time for the duration of their time with the kids. This could refer to a major slip in manners, hygiene, and structure, or it may simply refer to the fact that when the kids are with that parent it’s nothing but waterparks, candy, and non-stop good times.
There’s nothing wrong with fun. Who doesn’t like vacations, tasty food, and entertaining activities? Sign me up!

The line between having an enjoyable time with one parent versus “Disneyland parenting” is when fun tends to surpass reason, good judgment, and even in some ways the best interest of the kids.

As previously stated, I have scoffed at my “fun time ex” on more than one occasion because it seemed incredible that every time he had the kids they could go out to eat, see every movie released, and come away riding a tidal wave of “daddy’s great euphoria”, meanwhile I had to be the mean parent by enforcing school requirements and sometimes sitting around for a boring weekend because I didn’t have money to do fun things because my ex was way overdue in paying me his share of the kid’s expenses (we have no child support orders, we are each ordered to pay half of everything)!

It’s easy to paint the town red and have a great time when not paying one’s fair share, and the fact that major gold stars are earned from the kids for being so fun and not cracking down on yucky stuff like taking a bath or going to bed at 8 is even more frustrating!
So, before we gather a mob to hunt down all the “fun time moms” and “playtime dads”, let’s examine why a parent engages in Disneyland parenting.

As said before, it is often, though not always the case, that the parent who does so may have less time with the children. So, if you have a minimum of time to connect, make an impact, and make your time really special, what are you going to do? Are you going to make the kids spend the weekend at “Camp Cinderella” and clean toilets, weed all the flower beds, and scrub the floors? Probably not! Now, if the kids lived with you the majority of the time, there’s no escaping the clutches of occasional boredom, responsibility, getting in trouble now and then, and many of the other really stinky things about life.

I guarantee you that if I only had my kids one weekend of the month or in tiny spurts throughout the school year and two weeks of the summer, I would want to make every moment of our time together feel like 100 moments, and I could want to fill every second with love, fun, excitement, and incredible memories! I would want them to smile every time they thought of me and look forward to seeing me next. I would want to give them the world in a weekend if that’s all I had!

As it is, I have my children 50% of the time, one week at-a-time, and I still try to pack in as many happy times as I can, knowing that I miss so much of their lives! No, I am not the “fun time mom.” I am often the meanie mom. My kids know that when they’re at my house they will be expected to make their bed, tidy up their room, complete chores, act with respect, use manners, and so on. But, they also know that after all the “have to’s” are completed, I do my best to provide them with fun.

I admit that when I shop for Christmas and birthdays I do so with their happiness and satisfaction in mind. It warmed my heart when my daughter squealed with delight when she got a bike for Christmas- something that I bought for her to play and have fun with at my house! I want them to associate my house with fun, love, and plenty of good memories.
Does it make me a Disneyland mom if I construct my and my children’s lives so that they have fun and enjoy being at mom’s house? If it does, call me guilty! And, if this is what makes any parent a Disneyland parent, I can’t blame them one bit!

The key here is to strike a balance. Kids need fun, but they also need stability and parents who are parents, not buddies.

No one wants to spend their precious moments with their children grounding them, making them do boring chores, and certainly not looking forward to coming back. I miss my kids when they’re away with their dad, and I have them 50% of the time. I can only imagine how torn up I would be if I only saw them a few times per month-or year!

I won’t criticize another parent for simply wanting their visitation time with their kids to be as meaningful as possible, but there’s also a difference between being a mom or dad versus the entertainment director on a cruise ship. Surely we don’t get mad at “fun time” parents because they deliver fun…so ask yourself, is it because “normal” goes on vacation for a bit, or could it even be jealousy because they get by without the “mean” that comes with responsibility?


Source: https://goodmenproject.com/families/is-a-fun-time-parent-taking-all-the-fun-out-of-your-parenting-dg/

Positive Outcomes of Divorce

Imagine that you’re preparing your husband’s favorite meal. He walks through the door at dinnertime and you greet him. Suddenly, and without any provocation at all, his mood changes. It’s as if a dark cloud has come over the room. Your mind starts racing back, you wonder what did you say, what did you do? This scenario plays out over and over again in some marriages and can diminish self-esteem, wear down emotional resource, and kill your soul.

Or maybe you’ve hit a wall in your marriage. You’ve been here several times before with your spouse, and you both feel at wits’ end. When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is “out.”

It is at this moment, when you decide to change your life, to advocate yourself and your children, that a visit to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted.

Positive Outcome of Divorce #1: Self-Reflection and Self-Healing

With professional guidance you can discover what affected your choice of a mate and assure yourself that you will never make that mistake again. This self-reflection and self-healing is one of the most positive outcomes of divorce. By doing inner work, you can recognize and acknowledge your own patterns that led you to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Then, if you can integrate back into your psyche those early patterns from your family of origin, you can redeem them and never have to repeat them again.

At this time of greatest trauma, your defenses are cracked open, and for the first time in a long time you are your natural self. This is the undefended healthy core of your existence, and it is from this place of your natural resource that you can heal, renew and experience rebirth. By experiencing your authentic self, you will automatically build your self-esteem, depression will lift, and you are able to move into a happier and healthier lifestyle.

When you first fall in love, you may project onto the beloved your ideal: the best of who you are, those rose-colored glasses of your imagination. This is what we call a projection. However, by suppressing who you really are — by going along to get along — you are using up vital energy just to hold down your feelings.

You will still be compelled to move towards those old patterns that worked for you within your original family. However, because you are now conscious and aware, you will see red flags everywhere, and you have the opportunity, therefore, to override those impulses that compel you to move towards the wrong relationship and as a result make room for the right one. In essence, you’re changing a habit, and as you grow and break your old habits, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience a different relationship with a new spouse. It’s important to remember that we are different with different people.

This is restoration, how you bring yourself back to your full potential — the you that you were meant to be. A healthy partner is the one who carries the positive characteristics of our opposite sex parent, and that’s when second marriages can become fulfilling and mutual. Even your physical health can be restored.

Positive Outcome #2: Better Health

Now we know that telomeres, the little rings around your chromosomes that fall off as you age, also fall off when you are stressed. Miraculously, they can be restored through healthy lifestyle changes. Therefore, by releasing yourself from an unhealthy partnership, you not only can become healthier mentally and physically, but also add years to your life through happiness.

Positive Outcome #3: Self-Confidence and Empowerment

The first feeling you experience at the onset of divorce can be fear of the unknown. However, by moving into your fullest capacity, the real you, as I describe above, this will automatically rebuild your self-esteem, your sense of self, your capacity for intimacy, your creative energy and allow you to take back the power you surrendered in a poor relationship. In my work as a researcher, educator and human behavior expert, I’ve witnessed that poor marriages are often based on possessiveness, lack of intimacy, need for space and distance and need for control.

Positive Outcome #4: Giving Your Children the Gift of Modeling Healthy Relationships

Finally, as difficult as the process of divorce can be on your children, it also allows them to watch you make human mistakes — and then grow from them. As you do your inner work and regain your true self, your children are watching, and they can learn the importance of valuing yourself. They also have the opportunity to learn how to properly behave and react should they find themselves in a similar situation down the road. And finally in the future, you can model, for your children, a true and healthy marriage.

The best relationships come out of strength, not weakness. When you are whole and know yourself, you will meet someone with whom you can be mutual. This is a marriage born of strength, not of lack. Once the negative and critical patterns of poor partnerships are released, you can expand into the undefended you. By rediscovering yourself, that inner you that you were before marriage, following your own rhythm of sleeping, being, staying home and going out, you act on your own behalf and by so doing find your own authority is empowered. This returns a sense of control, allowing you to grieve the past and embrace the future.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/positive-outcomes-of-divo_b_4768426.html

Motivational Tips: Life Tips after Divorce

Mental Health: 10 Tips to Get your Life in Order and Regain Control after the Divorce

I sometimes have restless nights where I can’t seem to get my mind off everything I’m faced with. Often I’m thinking about my next move in this world. How about you? When your marriage ends, thiscan happena lot. Divorce, and coping with it, has a way of mkaing your mind wander in these directions.

After such a night not too long ago I went for a walk along the Grand Traverse Bay (one of my favorite spots) to shake off my grogginess and fretfulness. Walking east, the morning light cast an amber haze on gentle ripples easing their way to shore. I spied two sandpipers flitting in the sand, and a few sea gulls feasting on something that had washed up on the beach. A couple of minutes later, from behind the large breakwater surrounding the marina, came a powerboat disrupting the baby ripples, forcing more aggressive waves toward me.

I made it over to the space next to the harbor house and looked north to the water’s edge, continuing the conversations in my head from the middle of the night, as well as trying to figure out what on earth I was going to write about for this column when I got back to my computer.Just as I started to head for home I caught sight of a mama duck and her babies making their way to the beach. Ten baby ducklings, all in a row. I said to myself, “They seem to know where they’re going and they’re doing it with purpose and precision. Why can’t I seem to get it together like that?”

Then I wondered: What would be the ten things I’d need to do more of to get me closer to my dreams and a more settled life? After pondering it for a short while I came up with the following list, in no particular order (and all subject to change) that I intend to work on:

10 TIPS FOR LIFE 

1. Get healthy, and lose weight, so I’ll look and feel better about myself.

2. Clean out my closets, literally and figuratively. This applies to anything or anyone weighing me down.

3. Tackle those things I tend to procrastinate over, taking them one step at a time so as to not feel so overwhelmed.

4. Stop feeling the need to take care of EVERYONE all of the time, and start caring more about my own needs.

5. Spend more time doing what I truly love to do (which is almost always tied to our purpose in life).

6. Take the time to learn something new every day.

7. Find something to be grateful for every single day.

8. Work on my relationships, especially the ones I find the most difficult (gee, where do I start?).

9. Catch myself every time I use negative self-talk, and think more positively.

10. Meditate.

When the issues of divorce are surrounding us, it’s really easy for everything to feel like one big jumbled mess. Taking the time to create a list of things we find important to our well-being (both inner and outer), and then actually acting on them, can help us feel more in control, more together. What 10 ducks are you going to compile?

Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/motivational-tips-life-tips-after-divorce/

How To Take Advantage of Opportunities in Your Life

Opportunity. We all love that word. It is a word that inspires hope, as well as something we can wish upon to make our lives better. It is a single event that will smash into us, enlighten us, and take us away on its fluffy-feathered wings where we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the case for most of us.

What real opportunities are

Real opportunities are like the sales people that knock on our door, or call us while we eat dinner at night. We don’t want to open the door because we are irritated, we think we know how it is going to pan out, or we are too scared to say ‘no’ when they ask us a question. Real opportunities are the ones that we don’t immediately see. They come by at the most unexpected, mostly inopportune, times. We are so obsessed with other distractions or our own opinions that we normally miss the majority of opportunity that falls across our path.When we do see opportunities, we treat them the same way as we treat the inappropriate sales people – with disdain and a bad attitude. Our attitude when opportunity presents itself determines whether that opportunity will make our lives better. 

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

How many times have you been offered a new job, to go out on a date, or even to go skydiving? How many times have you said no? Probably more times than you have said yes.

Spark an idea

All of these occurrences are opportunities. The opportunity to experience something new, something different, something more. You would never ask someone else out on a date, or go skydiving by yourself – ok, maybe you would, but it wouldn’t be as soon, unexpected, or awesome.

Wouldn’t you like to experience more, earn more money, or simply be happier? We all want that, but aren’t necessarily ready to take the risks by ourselves. Sometimes we haven’t even thought about doing something until someone or something prompts us.

That prompt initiates the spark of an idea in our heads where it eventually barrels through into our forethought like an avalanche. Sometimes it can take months to gather the courage to go for it, sometimes it is only a matter of seconds.

Take a chance

We need to become yes-people (almost). Say yes when you perceive these prompts. Say yes to new life. Say yes to experience. Don’t say yes to everything, though, saying yes to every opportunity will burn you out completely. Trust your gut, it will take you down the path that is right for you.

Taking opportunities can be scary, some of them definitely are. To achieve anything in life, we need to take a chance. The beauty of taking chances, is that anything can happen. You might fall, get hurt, or be embarrassed, but what if you could experience something that is completely mind-blowing and changes your life forever.

Stop and Think

The next time someone offers for you to go out for a social event, a job offer, or a free ticket to Europe – stop and think. Your usual answer is ‘no’, but what if this time you say ’yes’. This time, go forth with the intention to learn, to experience, to enjoy.

“I’d rather have a life of ‘oh wells’ than ‘what ifs’.” – Unknown

Know vs wonder

When I think back over the chances I have taken when opportunity presented itself, I am content in the knowledge that I know what it feels like to live in both a city centre and a suburb; I know what it means to ask someone’s hand in marriage; and I know how to handle high-pressure situations at the office.

I am happy I took those opportunities rather than forever wondering what it would be like to live in the city, or whether she would say ‘yes’ to me, or wonder if I have what it takes to handle pressure.

By taking opportunities you can change your wondering to knowing. You can feel at ease knowing that you at least tried, knowing that you at least took the chance at the opportunity – not knowing what the outcome may be.

“Not trying is the only true failure.” – Unknown

Source: https://motivationgrid.com/take-advantage-opportunities-life/

24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never EVER Believe!

The biggest lies you've heard about divorce recovery... debunked!

Maybe "lies" is a bit strong; maybe the words "myths" or "stories" work better. Regardless, there is a lot of pervasive misinformation (and bad advice) about divorce out there. So I'm here to help debunk it—because divorce is hard enough without accidently making it even harder.

I've seen so many people suffer needlessly when trying to recover from their divorce as a result of believing these untruths; if you're starting over again, don't let these lies influence you.

I also suffered from divorce recovery lies when I divorced. I believed the notion that all divorces are basically the same AND that I'd get over my divorce more quickly if I didn't think about it or allow myself to feel much anger about it.

I believed that if I started dating, it meant I must be over my divorce. I didn't understand that those were such false misconceptions. But I learned—the hard way. I don't want that to happen to you. There is no one way divorce "should" go. So here are the most false ideas about divorce out there. Don't let these "lies" limit you, your healing, or your truth:

1. All divorces are basically the same. Divorces are all different. Laws vary depending on where you live. Your marriage was not like anyone else's marriage because you and your ex-spouse are two unique individuals. Your divorce will be just as unique as you are.
There might be similarities between your divorce and someone else's that you can use to help with your divorce recovery, but it won't be the same.

2. It takes one year for every four years of marriage to get over your divorce. False.
From my experience as a divorce coach, everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to recover from their divorce. Some people who stayed married for years find it fairly easy to get through their divorce recovery, and others never do.

What I believe is that it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest in yourself and moving on with your life, as to how quickly you'll start to feel better again.

3. Everyone going through divorce has the same emotions in the same order. This is just so wrong. There are similarities to the emotions that people experience when dealing with divorce recovery, but everyone experiences them in a different order, in different intensities, and for different durations.

4. The pain of divorce decreases linearly over time. For most people, the pain of divorce is more cyclical than linear. At first the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly, but over time they tend to decrease in intensity and variety. Flare-ups occur at any time after they've decreased.

5. Once you think you're over your divorce, it never comes up again.As I mentioned in the discussion about the previous lie, the painful emotions of divorce can flare up after you think the worst is over. The times when people might see a flare up are at the holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, but not everyone does.

6. Your family members will always help you as you go through divorce. As much as I wish this wasn't a lie, it is. It's not so much a lie because you can't count on your family, but because most families don't know how to help you get through divorce ... unless you're getting through it exactly as they expect you to.

So, although most people can count on their families for help, they won't always provide the exact help you need and want, when you need and want it.

7. It's not OK to feel sorry for yourself. Now, I'm not advocating becoming a puddle of self-pity, but it's OK to feel bad for yourself when you're going through a divorce. The hopes, dreams, and expectations you had when you got married won't come true.

Most people experience grief when that happens. It's OK for you to feel some sadness for yourself; however, if that's the only thing you're feeling, you might want to reach out to someone and get more support to heal.

8. You'll get over your divorce quicker if you just avoid thinking about it. Stuffing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce is not the best answer. When I did this, I wound up with health problems, including anorexia and anxiety attacks. So, at least in my case, trying to ignore what was going on actually made things worse.

9. You should feel really angry at your ex. Most people feel anger at their ex at some point during their divorce, but it's not a requirement. There are examples of people who get divorced and actually gain the ability to communicate with each other.
I have some neighbors who are recently divorced; they went through a period of intense anger, but now communicate better than in the marriage.

10. Everyone gets depressed when they go through divorce. Most people experience sadness (sometimes intense sadness) when they get divorced, but sadness is not synonymous with depression.

11. If you haven't been married for very long, you should get over it quicker than someone who remained married for many years. There really are no rules about how long it takes you to get over divorce. I know of one woman whose husband asked for a divorce after nine months of marriage. Devastated, it took her about a year to get over the grief.

I know of another woman married for about a year and got divorced, but she was over it within a couple of months. I also know of people married for 10+ years who were over their divorce before the decree finalized.

12. There's a reason there's no divorce ritual/celebration or marriage funeral—they aren't needed. Despite the fact that for every two marriages in the US this year there will be approximately one divorce, divorce is still looked at as a process that isn't something to celebrate or recognize. Maybe we consider it too personal.

For many people, having public recognition of the fact that the marriage is over is extremely helpful in putting an end to the marriage and a beginning to a newly single life.

13. The intensity and length of your anger, depression, and loneliness are directly proportional to how invested you were in your marriage.Bull. The intensity and length of your emotions is directly proportional to your ability to accept and work through them.

14. There is something wrong with you if you feel like part of you died when your marriage ended. It's pretty common to feel like part of you died when your marriage ends. The part of you that was the spouse in your marriage is no more, and it's OK to grieve the loss of that role.

15. Every divorce attorney only has their client's best interests at heart.How I wish this wasn't a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Just like in any profession, there are good ones and not so good ones. Having an attorney who truly does have your best interests at heart can make your divorce recovery that much easier, as you're not as stressed about the legalities of your divorce.

16. You attorney is also going to help you recover from your divorce.As caring and supportive as your attorney might be, they probably aren't the best-equipped to help you recover from your divorce. However, they probably have a great referral or two for you to get the help you deserve.

17. Everyone takes anti-depressants when they get divorced. This is like when we were teenagers and told our parents that everyone else was doing it, so we needed to do it, too. It's just not true that everyone needs anti-depressants when they get divorced.
In my opinion, we've normalized depression and are ready to take a pill for a "quick fix," instead of really exploring what's going on.

18. Your ex is the reason your marriage failed. Even if your ex behaved in a way that necessitated your divorce, you still played some small role in the failure of the marriage. Even if that role was only agreeing to the marriage, the faster you come to terms with your part in the end of the marriage, the faster you'll be able to recover from your divorce.

19. You should feel really sad when you get divorced. You might feel sad, you might feel relieved, you might feel angry, OR you might feel some other emotion. There's no rule that says the only emotion you should feel during divorce is sadness.

20. You don't need any time to adjust to your newly single life; you should continue doing everything you were doing before just fine. The truth is that for most people, getting divorced is stressful. Any added stress makes doing what you've always done much more difficult. So please, be gentle with yourself when you're going through divorce and allow extra time to take care of YOU.

21. You should start dating right away. Not everyone feels ready to date when they get divorced. There's no reason that you must start dating right away. Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to date.

22. The sooner you get into another relationship, the faster you'll get over your divorce. This works for a few people, but most people need to have a little bit of time to get to know themselves again before jumping into a new relationship.

23. Getting divorced means you are a failure. Getting divorced only means that your marriage didn't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you as a person.

24. Your friends will always support you. This is another one I wish wasn't on this list of lies. Your friends will support you to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, for some, they might not have any ability to support you. The thing to remember is that they're behaving in ways that make the most sense to them, not necessarily in ways that make the most sense to you.

Be honest, how many of lies on this list do you believe? If you're like most people I work with, you probably believe most of them. Heck, I believed most of them when I got divorced.
So, here's your functional divorce assignment:

Which of the lies were you surprised to see on the list? Most of us don't realize that what we, and those around us, believe about divorce isn't true.

What beliefs do you have about divorce that you now wonder are lies?It's common for lists like the one above to trigger other thoughts about what other lies it should include. Here's your chance to explore some of your beliefs about divorce and decide if you still want to believe them or not.

How has reading this article changed your thoughts about your divorce recovery? When I share these fallacies about divorce with my clients, their first response is denial that they believe any of the lies. Then, when we dig a bit deeper, they recognize they might have bought into one or two of them. Once they make that discovery, we're able to directly address some of the obstacles they've had, and they're able to get through the remainder of their divorce recovery much quicker.

Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-karen-finn/lies-about-divorce-recovery

Starting a New Relationship Post-Divorce

Though divorce is a difficult process, it can also be immensely freeing. For some, the logical next step will be to start dating again. For others, the very idea may seem terrifying or impossible. It is a complicated issue especially if you have kids, but it is still possible and can be fun. To help in making this possible, it is important to let emotions settle in your household and find ways to talk to your kids about it.

Seeking a new relationship

It is very important to understand that the process of seeking a new relationship after divorce is different for everyone. Some might be ready to date right away while for others it might take years before they feel ready to even contemplate the thought of it. Just because it happened one way for a friend doesn’t mean it will for you. Pay attention to your own emotions, and ask yourself why you want to start dating again. If you are trying to fill the hole left by your spouse, dating right now won’t be a healthy option. You need to be healthy by yourself before you can be healthy with another person in your life.

Here what you need to do before starting a new relationship after divorce:

1) Be ready emotionally

To make sure that seeking a new relationship after divorce is a good experience, make sure that you are emotionally ready to handle this responsibility.

You don’t want to be grieving over the loss of your old relationship while you are trying to foster a new one. Don’t be afraid to be picky as you look for someone new to date. You owe it to yourself and your children to make sure that it is someone who will treat you well and give you what you really need. If you are feeling a bit unsure about actually getting back into the dating game, try just making new friends first. Making friends can be fun, and if you find someone you like more than a friend, you will already have a friendship to help make your relationship stronger.

2) Pay attention to your kids

If you have children, you need to pay a lot of attention to their feelings and needs as you begin seeing a new partner.

Your kids have their very own grieving process to go through after their parents split up, and you need to respect that. Just because your kids don’t like the idea of you dating doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it ever again, but you should give them adequate time to get used to the new way that things work. Children often see a new partner as attempting to replace their other parent, and some of them may still hope that you will get back together with their other parent. Make sure that you children understand that things are final, and give them time to process it. As you move forward, listen to their feelings, and express your own.

As far as what you should tell your children about your dating life depends on how old they are. A younger child doesn’t need to know that you are dating until you are more serious about it while a teenager should be given more details because they are sure to notice that something is going on. No matter your children’s age, it is best not to bring your new partner around until you are very sure of them. A divorce is disorienting to children, and they need stability. If you are to break up with your new partner whom your children have grown fond of, this can be almost as painful as when you split with their other parent.

Your children probably won’t respond enthusiastically the first time that they meet your new partner. They may express anger and frustration in different forms like acting out in front of your new partner or even giving you the silent treatment. Give them time to adjust, and don’t try to force them into situations they are uncomfortable with that involve your new partner. You can require them to be respectful to your new partner, but you can’t require them to like your new partner.

3) Be honest and direct with communication

Honesty and openness are the fuel for trust; be direct while communicating with your partner. Be open about your expectations, what you wish from this relationship or share any other concerns that you may have. It is important to establish this right at the beginning of the relationship as it paves the way for a solid relationship. Remember, openness and honesty is the lifeblood of any relationship.

While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.

On another note, here are 3 things to completely avoid during the dating process:

1) Thinking all men/women are like your ex

Trusting a new person takes time, especially after you’ve been hurt by your ex. Yet, if you hold on to that distrust, you will destroy your chance of finding someone new. Learn to look at the new man/woman as an individual. Notice how different, kind, attentive they are towards you. Appreciate them for their unique qualities. If you still face trust issues, you could consider professional counseling or other methods such as the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which involves tapping on acupressure points. Be conscious of your issues and don’t be afraid to seek help.

2) Holding on to baggage

This one’s hard but not impossible. After all, we are what our experiences make us. But holding onto baggage never helped anyone. If only, it hinders our own progress and often makes us bitter about various things. Learn ways that will help you release the baggage; have an internal dialogue with yourself about what’s holding you back. Also, realize your own past errors in your marriage, take accountability and learn from them.

3) Saying no to plans

After thinking about everything, you’ve finally reached a place where you want to date. You may be doing so hesitatingly or may have your own apprehensions, which is normal, but be open to new possibilities. If nothing, you may just find a new friend. Remember every date does have to culminate into a relationship. You want to tread carefully, consider deeply before making any commitment. However, do stay open to new ideas.

While starting a new relationship after divorce is often a very sensitive process, you can still enjoy yourself. Make sure that you aren’t moving on because people expect you to or because you think you should be. Rather, do it you want to and you’re ready to. Don’t rush your new relationship, and all the while, make sure to take care of yourself. If you have children, keep them in mind and give them time to become accustomed to this new person in your life. Remember that this is your choice and your life, make sure that you are ready, and make it a good experience.

Source: http://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/starting-a-new-relationship-post-divorce/

12 Reasons Why Divorced Women Rock

Mark Radcliffe considers it an honor to date a divorced woman. Here’s why.

A female friend of mine got divorced recently, and confessed to me how much she dreaded now having the “divorced” label hanging over her head as she re-entered the dating pool, like some modern day version of the scarlet letter. That she, too, had failed to make it work, and men would recoil from her in disgust, running for the nearest 20-something as soon as possible.

But I for one, think being divorced can actually be a stamp of awesomeness to we men willing to look past the stigma. I think this experience actually means you’re a cut above your never-been-married friends. And here’s why:

1. You’ve experienced loss, and rebounded from it. You have courage, resilience, strength. That’s an attractive trait to men looking for a worthy partner.

2. Hey at least you dared to get married! You took a swing at love, rather than just playing it safe on the sidelines. You placed a bet in the lottery of life, and while it didn’t work out, you can dust yourself up and try again. Hell, even George Clooney couldn’t make his first marriage work.

3. You know it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong. And are maybe more willing to wait for the right guy than jump into something just to have a body next to you. You don’t feel “incomplete” if you’re not in a relationship, and are maybe becoming a better person each day that you’re on your own.

4. You now know (if you didn’t before) that love takes work. That it doesn’t just magically take care of itself, and float along in a some happy, pink cloud surrounded by unicorns and cotton candy. You know that both parties have to commit to supporting each other and making compromises on a daily basis. This, too, means you’ll have a more realistic and mature approach to your future relationships.

5. You had the balls (irony intended) to walk away from something that wasn’t working. You stood up and said, “No, I won’t stay in something that’s a lie.” And that means you have standards. Principles. And me, I like a woman who takes a stand. And isn’t afraid to face some public scorn in the process. Where others see “scandal,” I see strength.

6. Maybe you’ve recognized that you’ve made a mistake–either in your own actions, or simply by marrying someone else who was making a lot of mistakes. And that’s incredibly valuable for your future partners in life, because you’re clearly humble enough to accept criticism and question yourself.

7. You probably now have a deep knowledge of what sexually satisfies you (and what doesn’t). And that’s rare for women and men. And your future relationships will benefit significantly from that.

8. Maybe you were the one who walked away, and now know what “Mr. Wrong” looks like, so you’ll better able to spot “Mr. Right.” Your bullshit detector is now iron-clad, and you realize you don’t always have to “stand by your man.” Because a lot of guys don’t deserve to be stood by. You’ll be less likely to fall for bullshit more able to identify a true heart.

9. Or maybe you yourself realize you weren’t such a peach, yourself. That you have things to work on in your character, personality or attitude. But that willingness to accept fault is also incredibly attractive to the right guy. You’ve recognized you’re not perfect? Congrats, most of us never get there. We’ve got shit to work on, too. It’s nice to have some company.

10. You know what it’s like to watch love slip away, and you’re more able to keep it from happening again, to have the tough conversations that need to happen. Hell, maybe you can help us prevent us from losing our way, too, if we drift.

11. Because you look wonderful when you walk down the street alone, unafraid, cool and confident. When you sit at the bar with no one next to you, it doesn’t bother you a bit. You kind of even seem to be enjoying it. Which makes us want to be next to you all the more.

12. So you’ve got a few scars. They make you more interesting. You’ve suffered pain and loss, so you value joy and happiness more than those who’ve never lost it. You’ve experienced a wider range of emotion in life, and have a deeper appreciation for the highs & lows.

If you’re worried about the future, please don’t. Believe that your best years are ahead of you. Because there are those of us who find you all the more appealing for the battles you’ve won & lost. Who find you much more interesting and inspiring for having a few kinks in your armor and some stories to tell.

And maybe you’ll find one of us wanting to be by your side sooner than you think.

But, maybe you’ll be just fine without us. 

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/14-reasons-why-divorced-women-rock-gmp/

The Happy Divorce

Is it unrealistic to think we can divorce and co-parent happily?

When Fran Drescher's new sitcom, Happily Divorced, debuted earlier this summer, I started noticing snippets and diatribes tisk-tisking Hollywood for sugarcoating the end of traditional marriages.

In her New York Times Magazine article, "The Divorce Delusion," Heather Havrilesky argues that the new cheery outlook on separation does audiences a disservice. "Stories of divorced couples peacefully co-parenting and becoming wonderful lifelong friends contribute to this expectation that, if we're not emotionally overachieving with a person who usually feels more like a mortal enemy than a soulmate, that means we're petty, unenlightened thugs of the lowest order," she says.

I'm usually the first to complain about Hollywood's unrealistic depictions of family life, but in a world where I still hear feminists talking about "failed marriages" and "broken homes" versus "intact families"--as if there is something intrinsically wrong with non-nuclear set-ups, well, I think there's something refreshing about the new sugarcoat.

The happy divorce might not be everyone's experience, but it's no delusion.

Conventional wisdom tells us we'll only be happier after a divorce if the marriage itself was a war zone. So I was surprised the other day to hear a friend admit that she'd (happily) left a spouse of 20 years simply because "I don't want to be married."

Wow, I thought. You can still do that?

She described her husband as good and supportive, but "we lacked a certain emotional and sexual connection."

Researchers warn us against walking out on married life without a dang good reason. A recent German study found that the level of life satisfaction among divorced adults didn't recover to pre-divorce levels even six years after the divorce. (Although this could be a better argument for never getting married in the first place.)

And a 2003 American study found that unhappily married folks were no happier after their divorce.

But many women beg to differ. And happiness studies aren't about averages--they're about exceptions. How do some of us manage move on gracefully? What makes some of us resilient? And how can the rest of us cultivate that resilience?

The reasons for a divorce can certainly soften the emotional blow. If one partner is gay, for example, as is the premise of Happily Divorced, well, "that's a get out of jail free card," says Candace Walsh, editor of the anthology Ask Me About My Divorce: Women Open up About Moving On.

But even when no one's coming out of the closet, she says, "the idea that you're unhappier after divorce is outdated, old-paradigm thinking. In my experience, staying in a marriage that my ex and I both agreed had all its best moments behind it was epically depressing. I and many of the women in my book talk about this immense sense of lightness and liberation which came with ending their marriages and starting fresh."

Contributor Samantha Waltz agrees. "I was much happier after my divorce," she says. "My husband had been very controlling and I literally felt like I'd been let out of prison. Colors were brighter, sounds sharper. My depression lifted. He was extremely critical of the children as well, and their self-confidence visibly grew when they no longer lived with him. My ex has worked hard to rebuild his relationship with them and be more accepting of them. That wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in the marriage."

That's not to say the transition is easy.

"I was in a difficult marriage, full of counseling and struggle, so in a way, my divorce was a relief just by virtue of being something different," says blogger Kristin Tennant. "But that doesn't mean I was immediately happy. There's a lot of destruction that has to take place before any reconstruction can begin, and that takes time and work."

Happily Divorced, it turns out, is based on Fran Drescher's real-life relationship with her gay ex. So maybe in real life the couple didn't continue living together, and maybe they went through a long period of anger and estrangement before they started sharing advice about boyfriends. But Drescher insists the two really are soulmates again--just a new kind of soulmates.

As Candace's father told her when she was in the midst of her own divorce: "The year after my divorce from your mother was the unhappiest year of my life. But the years that came after that have been the happiest years of my life."

The key to bouncing back?

"Move on," Candace says. "If you stay in the energy of the marriage or the divorce, you'll be less happy than if you allow it to get on with the next chapter of your life in a conscious, optimistic way. How? Seek out new experiences that will lead to new adventures. And make sure to prioritize therapy, exercise, and lots of good venting sessions with safe people who have gone through the same thing."

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-and-happiness/201107/the-happy-divorce-0

Expectation, Disappointment, and Sadness

Disappointment can be profound.

In a previous blog I wrote about the concept of "sad love." But the emotion of sadness can be felt in many other situations as well, and it is particularly profound in the experience of disappointment.

First, let's consider sadness in general. When sadness is triggered, a heavy emptiness or longing is felt because your brain's appraisal system has determined that you have experienced a lasting loss. You may want to have someone or something that is unattainable or to bring back what was lost, even if what caused your sadness has to do with finally recognizing something that you had subsequently denied. Sadness is a painful emotion of disconnection from someone or something that you value or had wanted to value. It differs qualitatively and temporally from grief, which may have a greater impact on your perception of the world and is longer lasting.

Sadness helps you to remember, rather than forget, what it is or was that you desired. It promotes personal reflection following a loss that is important to you, and turns your attention inward in a way that can promote resignation and acceptance (Lazarus, 1991). Thus, the emotion of sadness attempts to assist you by giving you an opportunity to consider the impact of your loss and the necessity of revising your objectives and strategies for the future. One study found that sadness tends to decrease one's confidence in first impressions (Schwartz, 1990). Another found that the experience of sadness leads one to struggle with the painful, existential question of "Who am I?" (Henretty, Levitt, & Mathews, 2008). If sadness can help you to remember and accept reality, achieve insight that can realign your goals, alert you to be cautious before making decisions, and create an opportunity for you to observe yourself, then perhaps its adaptive purpose is evident: like all emotions, sadness, in spite of how it makes you feel, is simply trying to protect you.

Disappointment is a profound way in which sadness is experienced. People seem to do whatever they can to avoid recognizing that they are disappointed and will twist their thinking every which way to not recognize a true disappointment. You may be disappointed in a parent, your child, your spouse, a lover, an employer or job, an event, or in yourself. In any case, disappointment is the experience of sadness involving unfulfilled hopes or expectations. When you consider what might have been, in contrast to what exists in the present, you may experience disappointment.

In my psychotherapy practice I have found that people avoid disappointment far more than many other emotional experiences. Disappointment comes with finality--the recognition that you don't have, didn't get, or will never achieve whatever it is that you wanted. You might experience being angry with a parent, spouse, relative, employer, or friend, and that is far easier to feel than your disappointment in the relationship. Disappointment forces you to admit that you did not get what you wished to have, and it is actually easier for you to protest with anger than it is to encounter your sadness about the course of events. In an obstinate way, anger will allow you to continue idealizing what could have been while consciously denigrating it, and you will hang onto it only because it's what you needed at the time. Disappointment accepts reality.

There is one more aspect of the sadness triggered with disappointment that is worthy of mention. Usually it is assumed that people who value happiness are able to hold on to positive feelings and may be resilient, if not immune, to the negative effects of disappointing experiences. But this may not always be the case, according to the findings of a recent study. Under certain circumstances, valuing happiness may be self-defeating and result in disappointment, depending upon how people evaluate their progress toward that goal (Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, & Savino, 2011). The researchers found that valuing happiness can set people up for disappointment, especially if they compare themselves to an ideal. So perhaps the way in which to foster resilience is to construct realistic appraisals of what you need, avoid idealizing what could be, and come to terms with what you have.
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For more information regarding my books about emotions: http://www.marylamia.com

This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

References

Henretty, J., Levitt, H. & Mathews, S. (2008). Clients' experiences of moments of sadness in psychotherapy: A grounded theory analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 18(3), 243-255.
Lazarus, R.S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York, NY, US: Oxford University
Press.

Mauss, I.B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C.L., & Savino, N.S. (2011) Can seeking happiness make people happy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 11(4), 808-815.
Schwarz, N. (1990). Feelings as information: Informational and motivational functions of affective states. In E.T. Higgins & R.M. Sorrentino (Eds.), Handbook of motivation and cognition: Foundations of social behavior: Vol. II (pp. 527-561). New York: Guilford Press.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201111/expectation-sadness-and-disappointment

Yes, You Can Raise Happy Children After Divorce

What kids really need to thrive

When we first started talking about splitting up, our child was the main reason I told myself I couldn’t do it. While I believed he'd be fine, I also suspected he’d be more fine if I were in a happy, intact marriage. Sure, research shows that the vast majority of kids of divorce show no lasting negative effects on their grades or social skills, life satisfaction or self-esteem. But what about those tiny, subtle shocks that don’t register on a study? Wasn’t a marginal marriage a better choice, really, than no marriage at all?

Well, no. For one thing, staying in my marriage was no longer an option. Secondly, the more I began talking to researchers, clinicians, divorced parents and adult children of divorce, the more it became apparent that I could raise a happy, healthy child in a variety of scenarios—including not being married to his dad.

It seems hard to believe. Intuitively, we just know that children should be raised by two married parents living together. Preferably with a floppy dog lounging by the fireplace, one or two siblings, and organic herbs springing from a kitchen window garden. But an avalanche of studies over the past 40 years shows that this isn’t what they need.

Research shows that about 80-percent of children of divorce adapt well and see no lasting negative effects on their grades, social adjustment, or mental health. These findings arrive from a variety of sources, including a 20-year study done by psychologist Constance Ahrons, published as the book We’re Still Family. Development psychologist Mavis Hetherington’s work following 2,500 children of divorce also showed about 80-percent of the kids doing well, as did a 2012 meta-survey analyzing about a thousand studies on childhood adjustment done over the last four decades, conducted by child development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb.

Michael Lamb’s meta-study, “Mothers, Fathers, Families, and Circumstances: Factors Affecting Children's Adjustment(link is external),” sums up the features of a supportive childhood:

• Children do well when they have good relationships with both parents or primary caregivers, adults who basically get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.
• Children benefit from emotionally stable parents—adults who are recuperated enough, in the case of divorce, to focus on the basic job of parenting, including establishing stability, exercising fair discipline, providing love and being emotionally responsive. But those parents need not be married or living in the same house.
• Children need adequate resources such as food, safe housing, and social support. But they don’t need a mansion with every toy available, and those resources can be provided by parents who are not married or living in the same house.

What Lamb’s exhaustive overview and the work of dozens of other scholars shows is that marriage isn’t what matters so much to a child’s wellbeing, but rather a loving relationship with parents who aren’t embroiled in conflict, and a decent home life. All families have good times and bad, and children face any number of disappointments as they grow. Divorce is a subset of parenting, not some freakish, outlier experience.

“The mere fact that the majority of children raised in single-parent or divorced families are well-adjusted undercuts the argument that children 'need' to be raised in traditional families. These process factors, rather than family structure, affect adjustment in both traditional and non-traditional families,” said Lamb.

For my own divorce, I came up with these Five Principles for Positive Co-Parenting:
Because we know that high conflict between the parents is one of the most damaging experiences for children, we can foster cooperation with our co-parent, and work to squash conflict.

1. Because we know that children benefit from stability, we can focus on establishing new routines that work in our newly structured lives.
2. Without a spouse around to blame for, well, everything, we can let divorce challenge us to be a better, more focused parent and to bring our personal strengths to our child-rearing. We also can look for ways that the very characteristics of our ex that annoyed us in marriage (“He’s such a neat freak!” or “All she cares about is hiking!”) may benefit our children; how great to have one parent who likes the outdoors.
3. We can create positive moments for our children that have nothing to do with the state of their parents' love life. We can foster engagement in outside activities and with other supportive adults.
4. Because we understand that being emotionally present for our children rests on our own recuperation, we can prioritize taking care of the care-givers, ourselves.

I often think about Elizabeth, a twenty-something from a tiny Texas town whose parents divorced when she was two. As a child, she and her mother lived with her grandparents, while her dad moved to a cattle ranch nearby. Her mother worked hard to develop and maintain a wide circle of family friends, and her parents remain cordial to this day. Rather than feeling isolated, the divorce wound up broadening her sense of support. “I felt more loved than I think I would have had they stayed married,” Elizabeth told me.

Parenting while divorced may require some new education, some extra attention paid to your own mental and physical state, and to your children’s. But neither my child, nor yours, are lifelong victims because their parents didn't stay married. We have a great deal of control over the home life and the quality of the relationships we create.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce