Here’s how to protect your money when your marriage is falling apart.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't the only people getting a divorce. Plenty of Americans go through the process each year of dissolving their marriages, splitting their assets and making custodial arrangements for their children. While every divorce situation is unique, separating spouses should do the following 10 things to up their odds of coming out of the proceedings on financially stable ground.
Take stock of your marital assets, but don't move them. Ideally, both spouses should already have a firm grasp of account balances and the value of joint assets. But if not, now is the time to review old bank statements and inventory safe deposit boxes to ensure your spouse hasn't been trying to move money or hide assets from you.
However, resist the urge to make significant withdrawals or large purchases prior or during divorce proceedings. "Judges go crazy over that," says Steve Azoury, a financial planner and owner of Azoury Financial in Troy, Michigan. "They think you're trying to hide money."
Prepare for a new career ASAP. As soon as people know they are getting a divorce, they should think about how they will support themselves in the years after. "If you're not employed, this is a time to boost your career or even start one," says Allen Gibson, a chartered divorce financial analyst with Gibson Private Wealth Advisors in Dallas. He says a common mistake people make is waiting until a divorce is finalized before beginning their job hunt. By that point, they may have squandered precious months, or even years, which could have been spent polishing skills or networking with others.
Stay put for the time being. While moving out immediately may seem like a logical decision during a separation, Azoury cautions against it. "Don't move out of the house before consulting with an attorney," he says. "[Your spouse] could say you've abandoned the family."
Don't get emotional about your home or other items. Too often, people give up valuable assets or other rights in order to keep the family home, says Kira Gould, a certified divorce coach and a certified real estate divorce specialist. While it may seem traumatic to sell the house, it is often for the best. "When we finally manage to wrestle them from their house, they're happier," Gould says.
Other spouses may become emotionally invested in keeping certain items simply out of a desire to one-up their soon-to-be ex. "People are really blinded by the power of the win," says Carrie Rollings Meynet, a real estate agent at the real estate firm Gibson International. As a result, they may spend extra on legal fees or give up more valuable assets in order to keep something of lesser value.
Think about the tax implications. Next to a house, a retirement fund may be the most valuable asset a person owns, but Gibson says couples shouldn't expect to simply cash out and split the proceeds. "If it's not done properly, a person could pay a penalty," Gibson says. "Plus, there's taxes." Spouses should consider the tax consequences of trading one asset for another during the divorce proceedings. "The house on the lake is a tax-free benefit while the 401(k) is taxable," Azoury says.
Check for legal obstacles. Even if a couple agrees to split a 401(k) plan, it may not be possible. A judicial order known as a qualified domestic relations order, otherwise called a QDRO, is needed. However, even if granted, the order can only be fulfilled if the 401(k) plan administrator allows it. "The law of the plan is the law of the land," Gibson says.
Consider all insurance options. Divorces commonly require one spouse to pay child support or maintain health insurance for dependents. But if that person should be unable to work in the future, both of those financial safety nets could disappear. To avoid that from happening, spouses may want to consider requiring disability insurance or other coverage as part of the divorce settlement. "Make sure any document is binding even if a death occurs," Azoury says.
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Get your own team of professionals. Divorce can be messy, expensive and emotionally wrenching, so it's best not to go it alone. "See a therapist beforehand so you can clearly go into the situation," Azoury says. "I have one client who was so emotionally distraught that she used [her husband's] lawyer. He took advantage of her." In addition to a therapist and a lawyer, bringing in a financial planner can also be helpful. In all cases, look for someone experienced in divorce cases. "Better to find people with specialty knowledge than jacks of all trades," Gibson says.
Do your own legwork. Paying a divorce attorney can quickly deplete a bank account, but people can save money by coming to meetings with all the pertinent information. Bring Social Security numbers, tax records and other documents rather than having an attorney research that information at a hefty price tag. "The attorney will be glad to overcharge you," Gibson says about looking up records you could find for free.
Be realistic about your future financial needs. Even the most amicable divorce means a significant life change for both spouses. "In divorce, reality changes for everyone," Gould says. Azoury suggests people plan to live on half their previous household income, but maintain about 70 percent of the expenses. That may seem like a tall order, but one that can be met with proper planning.
Not every divorce is as high-profile as the Pitt-Jolie split, but you don't have to be rich or famous to walk out of a divorce on financially stable ground.
Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2016-09-29/10-ways-to-prevent-a-divorce-from-ruining-your-finances
You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.
Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.
One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.
So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again.
This pause to question whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.
Your struggle with how to be in a relationship again could quite simply be a fear of the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:
- You’re exactly the same person you were.
- Your new love interest is just like your ex.
Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.
And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.
Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)
So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.
Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!
Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.
Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.
So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.
Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/417-how-to-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart
If you approach dating thoughtfully after your divorce and consider your children’s needs, it will pay off in the long run. Your kids may feel a mixed bag of emotions about you dating and even harbor fantasies that you will reconcile with your ex-spouse. This might make it a challenge for them to accept someone you are dating into their lives.
As a result, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether your new romantic relationship is casual or might be permanent. Ask yourself: Is my new partner a good fit for my family? After all, you might have great chemistry and compatibility with someone, but they might not be well suited to join your family.
The number one thing to keep in mind when deciding when to introduce your partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. Next, the setting and length of an introduction is crucial to success. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.
Additionally, keep in mind the age of your children when introducing them to a new love interest, because younger children (under age 10) may feel confused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most young children find their parents' courtship behaviors confusing and strange.
While adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, they may still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Ahrons also found that teenagers may find open affection between their parent and a partner troubling – so go easy on physical contact in front of them.
Do you want your children to model their dating behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself and your kids to build new relationships sensibly.
5 Tips for Introducing Your New Partner to Your Children
1. Remember that your needs for intimacy may conflict with your children’s needs.
Just because you are smitten with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interest – especially during the first few years after the divorce.
2. Timing is essential to healthy family adjustment after divorce.
Children need time to adjust to their parents' split, and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions. Introducing a new love interest too soon may delay or damage this process. You owe it to your kids to take it slow!
3. Consider your children’s emotional needs.
Introducing your new lover to your kids can increase stress in the house and take energy away from your kids' ability to grieve the losses associated with your divorce.
4. Have fun dating when your kids are with their other parent, friends, or family members.
If you introduce your children to someone who you are dating casually, this may create ambivalence for them about intimacy if things don’t work out. Inform your kids that you are going out with friends, which is enough information.
5. Set an example for responsible parenting and dating.
Keep in mind that your children look to you as a model for healthy adult romantic relationships, so proceed with caution.
If you’ve been dating someone for a while (at least 3-4 months) and feel relatively confident that you are heading toward commitment, talk to your children and explain that you are dating someone who you care about and that you’d like to introduce to them. Ask them if they have any questions. Keep the first meeting short and low key. Going to a restaurant or neutral spot for the first meeting is best. Ask your kids where they’d like to go and don’t invite your partner’s children to join you on the first few visits.
Be sure not to plan an overnight with your new love interest in your home right away. If you have shared custody, it should be easy to spend an overnight with them when your children are with their other parent. Having your new partner spend the night should only be an option once you are fairly sure that your relationship is permanent.
It’s important to assure your kids that your partner will not replace their other parent or change your relationship with them. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. The following story of Tom illustrates a blogger who didn’t have his eyes wide open and was blindsided by blending his kids with his girlfriend too soon.
Tom, a 45-year-old newly divorced dad, described his new partner Kendra as sexy, fun, and the complete opposite of his ex-wife Shana. They had been dating for a little over two months and she was head over heels in love with him. He had just asked her to move in with him and decided to call me for coaching because his teenage daughter, Abby, complained bitterly when he told her.
As Tom spoke, he was eager to share: “Kendra’s just so different from Shana, and I can really be myself with her. She has two daughters and is a great mom. I figure my daughter will like her because she’s a lot of fun to be around.”
During our second discussion, I asked Tom to make a list of any disadvantages of introducing Kendra to Abby too soon. When Tom and I spoke a week later, he was feeling distraught and disappointed that a meeting between Kendra and Abby was a disaster. In fact, Tom was questioning if he was ready for an instant family and wished he hadn’t rushed into introducing his daughter to his new girlfriend.
Tom’s situation illuminates the importance of dating thoughtfully after divorce. You can enjoy dating and support your children at the same time. It’s crucial to consider the amount of time since your divorce and delay introducing your kids to new partners who you are dating casually.
In closing, post-divorce dating can be enjoyable if you approach it attentively. Keeping your children’s needs in mind will help you preserve your bond with your kids and promote their resilience while you make a smooth transition into the next phase of your life.
Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/post-divorce-dating-tips-for-dads
Infidelity, separation, divorce—they can tear you apart. You might doubt whether you can fall in love again. In hopes it’ll help you, I’ll share what I learned after my marriage fell apart. Though I’m not a relationship expert, experience can be the best teacher. I had been married for 32 years and was hurt to the marrow of my bones when my husband left me. How in the world would I ever have another relationship? I knew I wanted one, but the daunting task of finding the right person scared me to death. Here are five things that worked for me when I began dating after divorce:
1. Get out in the dating world again when you’re ready.
How do you know you’re ready? If you’re still feeling extremely hurt (crying in the grocery store) or angry (throwing your laptop across the room), or otherwise not through your grieving process, you’re not ready. But if you feel like you’re moving on, you’ve regained your independence, you are happy by yourself… then take the leap.
Even if you don’t date, at least get out socially – go to a concert, sporting event, art exhibit, whatever interests you. Enjoy yourself and increase your chances of meeting someone with like interests. Going alone will give you a sense of confidence, but if you’re the kind of person who can’t go solo, then recruit some friends to go with you. I bravely made myself attend a poetry reading alone when my husband and I were separated. I even took off my wedding ring, though I felt naked. Guess what? I ended up sitting with a couple of people who’d been in a class with me, and I also met new poet friends. It made me feel good about myself again – knowing I didn’t have to be part of a couple. In fact, I am still part of that poetry community.
At one point, I looked around an online dating site. My heart was actually beating hard with the possibilities, like a teenager wondering who’d take me to the prom. I saw a few profiles of interesting men. But then I freaked out, not able to imagine actually going on a date. That told me I wasn’t ready. A year or so later, after I had lived alone and knew I was fine by myself, I started dating someone I’d met through friends. I was ready; I wasn’t needy or on the rebound. I’ll admit: Dating after being married for 32 years was weird. It was fun, too, because I was ready.
2. Catch yourself when you're comparing.
You’re naturally going to compare your new man or woman to your ex. You’ll want to run away from anyone with the same characteristics that contributed to your marriage falling apart. You’ll feel drawn to aspects of the new person’s personality that are refreshingly different from the ex, even though in the long run, those things might be negatives. For example, if your ex was shy, you might be attracted to someone who is the life of the party. But being with that person all the time might be exhausting.
For me, being with a man who was totally accepting of me—metaphoric warts and all—was a new experience, and I learned that's what I wanted. I also wanted a happy man, in contrast to my restless ex who always saw the grass as greener on the other side.
Yes, you’ll be doing a lot of weighing of pros and cons. A spreadsheet won’t reveal the answer. You must use both your heart and your head. Try to look at the whole picture: How does this new person make you feel? How might he or she fit into your life? Will it be a total disruption (maybe one that’s needed) or will the new relationship slide right into the natural course of your life? On paper, my guy wasn’t Mr. Perfect, but he was the sweetest, most genuine man I’d ever met. Don’t expect perfection – it doesn’t exist. Take your time to really get to know this new person (see number 4). Even if you’re almost 60, like I was, you have a lifetime. And I’m going to guess dating someone later in life is a little easier than when you’re in your 30s or 40s. Sure, the older candidates have more baggage (as you do), but they have learned a lot too and tend not to play games with your affections.
3. Listen to your friends… but...
Yes, your friends will be a good set of eyes for seeing things from the outside, but they cannot know the intimacies of your relationship. Only you can decide who is right for you. However, if all your friends are concerned that you’re making a bad choice, pay attention. They might see warning signs that you can’t see. Some of my friends were concerned that I fell in love again too quickly. But for me, it worked.
4. Go slowly without fear.
A new relationship is exciting and scary. It’s scary partially because it requires an investment in time to get to know someone. (When do you invest time or cut bait before it’s too late?) It’s scary, too, because the initial excitement will not last. That doesn’t mean the relationship won’t be good, but the crazy, romantic, infatuated, falling-in-love part doesn’t last – reality sets in. The reality might be fine or it might be a rude awakening. Since you can’t predict the future, the only thing you can do is proceed with wise caution and courage. Fear will paralyze you. Do as the old saying says: “Take it one step at a time.”
5. Throw out old models and create something new.
You might just want to date and not narrow it down to one relationship. That’s okay too. One of them might turn into a permanent thing, or not – whatever. As my mother told me once, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Allowing a relationship to develop in its natural course is always better than forcing things too soon. I have a friend who had been divorced twice when she met her Mr. Right. They’ve now been together for years but don’t live together. There are no rules when it comes to creating the relationship that works for both of you.
6. Keep a journal.
If you’ve read my posts before, you know I encourage journaling or otherwise writing down your thoughts and feelings. It helps you get them out of your mixed-up head and into the light where they can begin to make sense or be tossed away as nonsense. Here’s a poem I wrote when I was just starting to think about dating again. It kind of proves you can have a sense of humor even when life seems as scary as getting on a plane when the flight right before it crashed. The poem is in my book, Untying the Knot.
Mating Instincts
I’m not ready to jump
on the find-a-man bandwagon.
Haven’t had to since 25—
when (it’s said) my instincts chose
a mate whose genes mixed
with mine for the best offspring.
Yep, got a check-plus, gold star there.
What might I want at 56?
Rather than a handsome face,
long legs, high IQ, maybe
it’s wisdom, longevity,
no adult son
still at home addicted
to Star Trek reruns.
But some men my age look like
how I remember Grandpa
(usually dozing in his chair):
wisps of yellow-white hair, scalp
spotted, Basset jowls, ear lobes
to his collar bones.
I can still smell the Old Spice…
Yet coupling instincts run strong.
With a mind of their own,
my eyes scan the left hand
of every man,
even those least likely—
my mother’s greasy-haired,
stressed-out gastroenterologist;
the 40-ish guy in red pants
pressing the elevator button;
the sewer repairman who,
at first heart-stopping glance,
looks like the one
whose midlife crisis caused mine.
-- Karen Paul Holmes
Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/love-6-real-life-tips-for-dating-after-divorce
Sometimes life throws a challenge or problem at you that seems insurmountable. Here's how to clear a path in the jungle of adversity to give you space to move on. By Sharon Marshall.
1. Take baby steps
Break down complex situations into smaller, more manageable tasks, says journalist Laurence Gonzales, who frequently finds himself having to cope with adverse situations. "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! The smaller the steps you take in a difficult situation, the better." By employing this simple strategy - like doing a practical task like housework in a stressful situation - you allay your anxiety, restore organised thinking and get your brain back on track to help plot your next move.
2. Deny denial
Gonzales says, "One of the first stages of grief and other forms of adversity is usually denial. We refuse to accept that bad things are happening to us." Sandy Miller, whose brother was arrested wrongly, says her immediate reaction was one of denial. "My first reaction was to keep it quiet and not tell anybody. As the case dragged on,I realised it would hit the press at some stage anyway," says Sandy. "Allowing others to know helped me to cope with the reality of the situation, and face the consequences rationally." The quicker you accept the reality, the better your chances of moving on.
3. Bounce back
The biggest lesson for life coach Jana Beutler Holland, after working in a juvenile court, was learning what makes people resilient. "Just as there are some children from great families who mess up, there are, too, many children who come from dysfunction and despair, who somehow make it, and somehow survive amazingly well - despite poverty, affliction, criminal families, lack of education, and a lack of social or moral values or role models." The answer, she discovered, lay chiefly in love, support and opportunity for growth. "Those who have an internal locus of control, a sense of purpose and support structures learn to be resilient and go with the punches," says Jana. Now is the time to draw on your internal strength.
4. Don't panic
"As a young child, I was thrown into a pool by one of my brother's older friends. Though I have been afraid of water all my life, the one memory that sticks with me from that experience is that I intuited that I would drown if I panicked," says Carl McDonald, now 70. Resisting panic is also the first lesson that survival course instructors teach. Trauma counsellor John Dokes explains: "Whether it's a natural disaster, civil unrest or something more minor, the bottom line is that panic can lead to death. In the pool situation, by remaining calm and relaxing your muscles, you can actually gradually bring your head above water. Once you are calm, you are much more likely to resolve the situation ina positive manner."
5. Surrender, but don't give up
Pessimistic though it may sound, imagining the worst possible outcome allows you to relax and accept it. "In a survival or terminal illness situation, many learn to accept that they may die. Once they do, they find a sense of peace about it," says psychologist Jana Lund. "They stop trying to control things they have no power over and focus on those actions they can take. It sounds almost contradictory, but by accepting your limitations, you diffuse the emotions that can work against you."
6. Be pro-active
When her uncle's left hand was amputated after being injured in an accident with a log splitter, inspirational writer Deanna Mascle learnt a valuable lesson, "It was devastating to those who love him and certainly no one would have blamed my uncle for becoming depressed and grieving." However, instead of choosing that path, says Mascle, her uncle focused on what he could do, rather than on what he couldn't. "And if he discovers something that he can't do one-handed then he puts his considerable problem-solving abilities to work on a solution. He isn't simply reacting to a tragic accident, but proactively seeking solutions."
7. Get support
There is no need to do it alone. Ask for help. While diet, health and scientific research may come up with interesting theories of longevity, one common factor amongst survivors of adversity tends to be their connection to other people, says Mascle, regardless of religion or ethnic background.
8. Ditch the past
In a nutshell, victimhood is caused by being a prisoner of your past, says Rohini Singh, author of The Only Way Out is Within (Hay House). "You feel betrayed and let down by circumstances, people, and perhaps life itself. Energetically, you're wounded and bleeding. Obviously, you'll feel joyless and drained. Burdened with it and expecting it to repeat itself, you'll allow the very people or circumstances ‘cheating' you to continue to repeatedly ‘abuse' you," she says. By giving up blaming and complaining, you take charge of your life, assume responsibility for your state of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being and give up the burden of manipulating all the circumstances and situations you face, says Singh.
9. Be practical
When crisis strikes, everyday life seems inconsequential and insignificant in the face of the disaster, but it is often those little routine measures which keep the fabric of normality in place. For Joan Didion, author of A Year of Magical Thinking (Fourth Estate), in which she describes her reaction to the sudden loss of her husband, the solution was food. "When someone dies, I was taught growing up in California, you bake… You drop [the baked goods] by the house. You go to the funeral. If the family is Catholic you also go to the rosary, but you do not wait or keen or in any other way demand the attention of the family. I will not forget the instinctive wisdom of the friend who, every day for the first few weeks, brought me a quart container of scallion-and-ginger congee from Chinatown. Congee I could eat. Congee was all I could eat."
10. Laugh last
Using the example of a man ensnared by a bear trap, self-help writer Jon Glassett expounds the following theory: "The greatest weapon against adversity is laughter. No matter how serious the situation, you can - with time and proper training - wield laughter as you might a sword or chainsaw. Reach down into the depths of your bowels and muster a laugh so intense - so disturbingly hysterical - that immediately the situation takes on an entirely different tenor." In fact, adds Glassett, experts in this technique have managed to generate enough leverage using ‘crazy laugh' that bear traps will actually spring open and leg wounds will spontaneously heal.
Source: http://gulfnews.com/life-style/general/10-ways-to-cope-with-adversity-1.685281
Working as a financial planner for the past 13 years, I have learned that financial freedom often means many different things to different people.
For some, it means having no debt. For others, it means being able to live comfortably off the income generated by a nest egg.
For a new client of mine—recently divorced and facing the task of managing her finances for the first time in a decade—it means taking control. After years of deferring financial responsibilities to her now-ex-husband, financial independence is at the top of her list.
Let’s examine her step-by-step journey towards financial freedom. It’s a process that could easily apply to others who find themselves in a similar position:
1. Start Today.
No more procrastinating and no more excuses. By starting sooner rather than later, my client is able to take advantage of time and compound returns — a powerful combination for building wealth. This first step is sometimes the most difficult to take. It requires making a personal commitment to take action, but once it’s done the rest can come together more easily.
2. List Your Goals.
My client and I discussed her three top goals: (1) preparing for her retirement, (2) paying off the mortgage on her house, and (3) creating a substantial travel fund that will allow her to see the world. We ranked each of her goals in the context of her needs, wants and wishes. Identifying goals helps an individual better understand how realistic they are, and what is needed to achieve them.
3. Have a Plan.
Next, we created a formal, written financial plan that includes each of her stated objectives and an investing program, based on her income, specific to achieving each goal. After all, a goal without a plan is just a wish.
4. Automate Savings.
It’s important to pay yourself first when you save. One of the easiest ways to do this is through an automated program that helps you to save and invest consistently during both good times and bad. For my client, we set up automated withdrawals from her checking account to be directed into her investment accounts immediately following paydays, thereby minimizing the behavioral barriers and inertia often associated with manually monitoring a budget.
5. Focus on What Can Be Controlled.
Don’t get caught up in the hype of the moment or what the financial cable news programs are reporting each day. That's a recipe for making emotional, reactionary decisions. Instead of worrying about all the things outside of her control, my client decided to focus on her goals and the plan we created to help her get there.
6. Invest in Yourself.
My client saw this new chapter in her life as the perfect opportunity to invest in herself. After delaying her own education for years, she enrolled in evening courses at a local university to improve her skills, her career prospects and, ultimately, her earning potential and future savings. One of the positive outcomes of this step is that it can build up greater self-esteem and confidence. In fact, attending her first class “was such an empowering experience," my client told me.
7. Live Within Your Means.
As my client’s living situation and routines were changing drastically, so were her expenses. We took the opportunity to review and manage her budget so that her monthly expenses remained below her take-home pay. With lingering legal fees, credit cards, education expenses, and a mortgage, paying off debt requires spending less than you earn. While this was quite a lifestyle shock at first, creating responsible new spending habits and accepting how to live within her means was a priority.
8. Manage Risk.
An emergency fund that offers accessible cash reserves along with sufficient insurance coverage can protect you and your loved ones against loss or an unexpected event. For my client’s specific situation, we determined that maintaining a cash reserve to cover six months of expenses in a conservative investment account would offer her the cushion she needed for peace of mind.
9. Monitor Your Portfolio.
Given her divorce, my client’s investment portfolio and overall asset allocation needed to be updated. Other major events that could trigger review and adjustment of a financial plan include getting married, switching jobs, buying a home, dealing with a health crisis, and entering retirement. Together, we committed to regularly reviewing and updating my client’s portfolio to keep it aligned with her objectives, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
10. Get a Fresh Perspective.
Find ways to recharge your batteries. My client, for example, plans to take a monthlong trip overseas and use that break to think about what matters most. After all, that’s what financial freedom is all about.
Source: http://time.com/money/4041567/steps-financial-recovery-divorce-tips/
Divorce is like Opposite Day, so you're going to need to hold on tight and make some promises to help keep yourself grounded and on the right path!
If you’re going through a divorce, prepared to get stuck for a bit in Opposite Day. Not the 1993 Bill Murray hit Groundhog Day. Opposite Day.
On Opposite Day what’s up is now down, happy is sad, wet is dry, and basically nothing is logical.
You won’t be able to make much sense of your emotions, always make the wisest decisions, or be able to comprehend why half of the things going on are allowed to occur. It’s madness!
Fortunately, the hands of time finally get the jolt they need to allow time to advance on its natural course, leaving Opposite Day as a strange part of the past that you’ll be glad to farewell to.
Although you may not be fully in control of the events surrounding your own personal Opposite Day, it’s important to make (and keep) promises to yourself to see you through to the end of the divorce finish line. You may have your own to add or replace from those on this list, but here’s a few important promises to get you started:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s Opposite Day, right? So, the small stuff feels like the big stuff, and the big stuff may not be recognized for what it is. The pearl of wisdom here is not to let it grab a hold of you, control you, and make you go insane! You will have plenty of big things to address during divorce, so you may just have to let the smaller things slide, or at least not affect you as much!
Stay true to yourself. Just because the world feels like it’s upside down doesn’t mean that you have to abandon your values and sense of self. Ever heard the saying “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do?” Well, what I would do and what you might do are two different things. Just don’t do anything you’ll regret later.
Keep your eyes on the prize. Divorce is a tunnel along the way to your future. In other words, it’s dark and closed in, but it’s temporary. If preserving your sanity and relationship with your children are most important to you, for instance, then make those your priority. So much else may feel like it’s spinning around out of control around you, but you can keep your eyes fixed on one or two most important things, can’t you?
Think long term. Again, divorce isn’t your destination, it’s just the ugly part of the voyage on the way to where you’re headed. So, where is it that you’re headed, anyways? Even if you don’t have specifics nailed down, it’s important to have some goals- even dreams- to shoot for and begin to mentally invest in making them happen. Otherwise, you’ll just get stuck in the ugly part of your voyage.
Make something positive out of the mayhem. If you have to lose and suffer, then you should be able to get some sort of parting gift, right? The best gift you could ever receive is a whole and healthy YOU! So, promise yourself to make something beautiful out of this ugliness. If nothing else, dedicate some time to getting to know who you are now, assess the mistakes you have made and how you can grow, and make peace with what has happened.
Become a role model. No pressure here. No one’s asking you to inspire a generation of others; but, if you have kids, you already have a built-in audience. Show them the way to overcome challenges and succeed against diversity. Be a champion for standing up for your rights, achieving your dreams, and making things happen. If nothing else, you may score at being your own best role model!
Fall in love. The first person you need to flirt with, woo, and fall in love with is looking right back at you in the mirror. Build yourself up from the floor up. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, and make yourself more of a priority, especially if you have been sitting in the backseat of love and attention for a while. Then, and only then open yourself up to the possibility of loving another. This is not about being selfish so much as it is survival and preparing yourself for someone worthy of you!
Don’t lean on vices to get you through. Divorce and the end of a long and serious relationship hurts! No wonder so many turn to drugs, alcohol, emotional eating, retail therapy, and other feel good behaviors to drive the ugly feelings away. Always ask yourself “who’s in control here?” Are you spending on frivolity but not paying the bills? Binging on ice cream rather than facing our problems, or looking for your solutions in the bottom of a bottle? If so, the bad news is that your problems aren’t going anywhere or getting any better, instead they are waiting (perhaps growing) while you drown I denial!
Don’t let a bad day become your permanent state of mind. Of course, divorce lasts longer than a day; however, in the course of a lifetime, this time is a mere blink of an eye. Unfortunately, some tend to allow the emotion and pure ugliness of divorce to taint their personality and perspective from that point on. As I always say: “be better, not bitter!”
What will you vow to yourself as you embark upon this new phase of your life? What will you do to keep your attitude in check and to take care of yourself to ensure that you land safely on the other side?
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/9-promises-to-make-yourself-to-see-you-through-divorce-dg/
Nine times out of 10 my clients come to me because they are angry and hurt at their ex because they feel betrayed by him or because in their mind he has done something wrong.
Whatever the situation is, it’s really important to let go of the bitterness, as the only person it really hurts is you. Below is a list of reasons why it is indeed bad to be bitter and why it’s important to let go.
1) Stops you from loving you
When we feel that someone has betrayed us there is a belief that states that “I would never have done that” or “I am not like that.” In truth we are everything and your ex is just a mirror of you. What you judge in him will usually be an indication that you judge that very thing within yourself and believe you are not.
Being this way will only keep your love of yourself at arms length and will stop you from making peace with yourself. This of course will give him the power and destroy your confidence. Why would you want to do that to yourself?
Instead, when you go into the habit of blaming him - change the statements that start with ‘he is so’ or ‘you are’ to ‘we are’ and see if you can find at least five examples where you are that way and find the benefits for each one.
2) Will lead to a toxic body
Holding onto any negative emotions takes more energy than letting them go. People who hold onto anger will usually find that they have less energy than those who don’t because negative emotions tend to have a more dense frequency.
Imagine for a moment that each factor that is causing you the bitterness is a big rock. Do you think you might feel weighed down if you keep on piling on the rocks? Of course you will.
Carrying these emotions on an ongoing basis will weaken and build up toxins in your body as it releases adrenalin - which suppresses the immune system, impairs digestion, uses up vital vitamins and minerals, causes pain and stiffness, makes your body acidic which results in inflammation all of which will help towards keeping you feeling worse.
Instead, find a way to purge your emotions by hitting a pillow, going outside and screaming your lungs out.
3) Will prolong your suffering
If you are still living in the past and focusing on what your ex has done to you, you wont be living in the present, which will guarantee depression and sadness. Living in the present is where you will experience happiness, as it is here that the suffering stops.
Suffering is only caused by your mind attaching itself to the story that you have created for yourself. If you keep holding onto the bitterness, the story will ensue and so will your obsessing. An event is just an event until you give meaning and energy to it.
Instead, change your story and the meaning you have given to the event. Give it a positive meaning so that you can shorten your suffering.
4) Will be more difficult to attract a new relationship into your life
If you are still holding onto the bitterness of the past you will either carry this bitterness will make it more difficult to attract a new relationship because the bitterness and attachment to your ex tends to the block the energy of receiving someone new into your life.
Holding onto the past, is like buying new clothes and not being able to fit them in your closet because all your old clothes take up all the room. The only way of to fit the new clothes in the wardrobe is to clear out the old. The same is true for letting in a new relationship.
Instead let go and make way for the new.
5) Increase the chances of ruining the next relationship
Without healing the wounds or dealing with the anger of the past, you will be more likely to take the anger and bitterness into the next relationship, if you do manage to attract a new one to you.
Again, being present in the relationship you find yourself in, will be challenging as you will want to vent to your partner, and living like this can be very tiring for them. Speaking from experience, I believe that the stress of an ex who was still bitter towards his ex, was one of the major reasons why our relationship died.
It will also make it more challenging to receive the love from your new partner, because you are still protecting yourself from the past. This once again, can be very tiring not only for your new partner but also for you.
In short it’s important to let go of the bitterness if you wish to find peace instead.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/marina-pearson/anger-management-why-let-go-of-anger-towards-your-ex_b_3312995.html
Divorce has a more positive impact on women.
Women Are Happier After Divorce For Many Reasons, These 9 Specifically
A study by Kingston University meant to analyze the negative impact of trauma on men and women came up with some surprising findings about divorce and women.
In the study, researchers surveyed 10,000 people in the U.K. between the ages of sixteen and sixty. In the survey participants were asked to rate their happiness before and after their divorce.
During a 20 year period, researchers found that women were happier and more satisfied with their lives after divorce.
"In the study we took into account the fact that divorce can sometimes have a negative financial impact on women, but despite that it still makes them much happier than men," Professor Yannis Georgellis, Director of the Center for Research in Employment, Skills and Society (CRESS) at Kingston Business School, said.
So, what it is about women that help them move on to a more fulfilling life after divorce? Why do women handle divorce better than men? I’m sure that some argue that it is because more women file for divorce than men, that women are happier because they are getting what they want.
That argument only holds water if you delve into the many reasons women file for divorce. There are many reasons women file for a divorce and not all of those reasons have anything to do with falling out of love or no longer being happy in the marriage.
4 reasons a woman may file for divorce:
1. She has been abandoned and left with no recourse but to file for a divorce and pursue child support via the family court system. Something that isn't taken into consideration when we read statistics about the fact that more divorces are filed by women is the reason they file for divorce.
In most situations, women file for divorce when they've been backed into a corner and feel they have no other option.
2. Her husband suffers a midlife crisis and endangers her financial security, emotional security and behaves in a manner that is destructive to her and her future welfare.
3. Her husband is abusive and she has no recourse when protecting herself other than to file for a divorce and put distance between herself and the abuser.
4. Her husband has an extra-marital affair, moves out of the marital home, in with the other woman and leaves her responsible for financial maintenance of the home and family.
The reason for the divorce is not a factor in how well a woman will heal and move on with her life once she is divorced. Divorce can be a hard choice to make but once it is made a woman has choices she can make. She can give into the trauma of the divorce or rebuild her life and get on with the business of living. Most choose to get on the with business of living.
9 reasons women are happier after divorce:
1. Women are more likely than men to seek help for the emotional trauma caused by divorced from a therapist family member or, friend. Men keep it close to the vest when dealing with emotional upheaval.
Not reaching out for support prolongs their suffering and the time it takes to heal.
2. Women are more likely than men to surround themselves with a positive support system such as friends and family.
3. Women have different emotional coping strategies. While men look outward when seeking comfort from emotional pain, women look inward. They take an internal inventory of the role they played in the demise of the marriage, they work at getting their emotional “ducks in a row” and letting go of the past so they can focus on the future.
4. Women are less likely to turn to alcohol, drugs, new relationships and casual sex to distract them from the trauma of divorce.
5. Women are more likely to seek out new experiences after divorce, experiences that enrich their lives and give them a sense of hope for the future.
6. Women are more likely to prioritize their needs. They will put an effort into staying physically healthy during the trauma of divorce. They will have more focus on eating properly and working out in an effort to stave off illness and depression.
7. Women are no stronger emotionally than men. They do however use different coping skills than men when dealing with emotional trauma and, based on the study, those skills make it possible for women to move on and be happier than men after divorce.
8. Women have a strong sense of perseverance. Giving up is always the easy way out. Resilient people demonstrate the ability to stick to things and get them done. It's women who do the lion's share of childcare after divorce, they work outside the home while, at the same time having to keep the home together. Women are more likely to take on, happily the challenges of single motherhood and relish in that role.
9. Women are more likely to be comfortable in their own skin. They are more comfortable with the idea of going it alone, choosing a course of action they believe in and moving forward. Most women don’t mind spending time with themselves and have an understanding of the importance of healing after their divorce before jumping into a new relationship. Their lack of suffering from loneliness after divorce allows them to explore enjoyable activities either alone or in the company of friends. They don’t go out immediately looking for a replacement unit for the husband they just divorced.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-women-are-happier-after-divorce-1103045
I’m a child of divorce. Have you read the studies about me? Did you hear somewhere that I had difficulties in math class and/or severe emotional problems? Do you assume my teenage self ran away from home, used drugs and got pregnant?
You’d be wrong on all accounts. Except, of course, for the stat I didn’t mention above... the one about my higher risk of divorce. I am a child of divorce who has been divorced. But I don’t blame my divorced parents for that one. In fact, I’m rather grateful.
I was thirteen when my parents separated. At that point in my life, I was just becoming aware of love and romance, and for a time I was a little angry at my mom and dad for giving up on something so wonderful.
I’ll never give up like they did, I thought to myself. I’ll never get divorced.
Funny thing, my parents’ divorce wasn’t so terrible. Overall, it was a rather good thing for my family. I gained some pseudo-stepsiblings in the process, and I learned about the ways relationships can change. I saw my parents become better parents, and even friends, because they didn’t have to be domestic partners.
I began to see divorce not as a problem itself, but as a much-needed solution to a problem. As time passed, I was able to appreciate the ways in which my life had improved because of the divorce. I also saw my mom and dad grow as individuals, and I developed closer relationships with each of them as a result of our family structure.
So, what impact has all of this had on my adult relationships?
I’m OK with divorce. We’re all human beings, learning and growing as we walk along the path of life. Sometimes part of our personal growth involves ending relationships that no longer serve us, and that’s OK. Like I said, I’m now divorced myself. My ex and I were able to be honest about the state of our relationship, and we made the difficult choice to do what was best for both of us.
I think of divorce as a shared goal. So many people think of divorce in terms of war: where two sides face off and fight. That wasn’t the model I grew up with, thus I don’t know how to play that game. I believe the process of ending a relationship (like the process of building one) takes cooperation, communication and compromise.
I believe that families should evolve, not dissolve, through the process. As a child of divorce, I experienced far more gains than losses. I gained a second home and an extended family. I gained new friends in new places, new adventures and new relationships. These days I firmly believe that divorce should be viewed as an evolutionary process for families. Seeing dissolution sets everyone up for disappointment.
I’m acutely aware of my personal health in relationships. I know my needs, and I know my boundaries. I believe that compromises are necessary, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my physical or mental health in order to save a relationship.
When I consider new partners, I think about how what it would be like to separate from them. As I mentioned before, I think the end of a relationship is an act of teamwork. Therefore, I don’t want to get involved with anyone who wouldn’t work with me through that process if necessary. I’ve no interest in men who’ve indulged in dirty divorce tricks, nor those who are adamantly against divorce.
I am a child of divorce. But I don’t think of myself as broken. I don’t believe my childhood was lacking. I think my parents made a difficult choice which turned out to be the best decision for our family, and I benefitted from that. Nowadays, I see myself as stronger, more open-minded and with greater self-awareness as a result.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/5-ways-my-parents-divorce_b_6030488.html
Within six weeks of my marriage ending, I found myself gallivanting all around Colorado with a much younger man.
He was an instructor at my yoga studio who, through his intoxicating looks and 20-something prowess, helped me temporarily forget that my life was actually in complete shambles (I had suddenly become a 40-year-old single mother of three without any plans for my future). We’d go on long hikes, spend afternoons wrapped in my bedsheets, and travel to hidden hot springs and tropical beaches enmeshed in the physical comfort of each other.
I
t was a delicious distraction, but once it came to an end, I was left to face myself. I had to deal with the raw emotional pain that would trap me until I dealt with it. I knew I wouldn't be able to move on to a fulfilling relationship before I did that.
Over the next few years, I attended support groups and coaching sessions, shed tears over past choices, spent nights reading personal growth books, and tried to make sense of the madness of this new frontier. At some point, I realized I was done. I had faced my demons. And while my past would always be a part of me, I was truly ready to move forward. Here are most important lessons I learned about finding true, lasting love:
1. Stay single until you can be sure you're starting a relationship for the right reasons.
A truly loving, committed relationship is about sharing life experiences, learning and growing with someone who is self-aware and free of the "pull" of past hurts, and being open and willing to doing the work it takes to create and exist in a safe, drama-free space together.
To reach this place, we must first commit to learning the lessons we have to learn on our own. That's the only way to escape the ending of our last failed relationship. Dig in the dirt. Let yourself fall apart and know that it’s OK not to be OK for a while—maybe for a long time. The grieving process can be lengthy and painful. But there is so much necessary growth waiting for you in the time after a breakup. You can't skip the hard part and go right to Phase 2. This is the task you have to complete before leveling up.
2. Love yourself more than you ever thought possible.
You’ve heard the sentence "No one will ever be able to love you more than you love yourself." Take it from me: This is 100 percent true 100 percent of the time. We attract people who will treat us only as well as we treat ourselves. If we believe ourselves to be unworthy or unlovable at a deep level, no matter how pretty the package of our prospective partner, we see them as our salvation only because we know little enough about them that we can project our own ideals onto them. Over time they will begin to reflect our own limitations and flaws.
Self-love needs to happen consistently on the physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional levels.
Physical self-love:
Begin by listening to, then responding to and respecting the needs of the body. Create a nurturing inner sanctuary where you feel safe. Learn what your body requires through exercise, diet, and rest to maintain balance. Commit to giving it the nutrients that it needs to thrive.
Mental self-love:
Kick out the roommate in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, beautiful/handsome enough, young enough, or wealthy enough to have a wonderful, loving, and supportive partnership. Replace self-deprecating thoughts with thoughts that affirm your wholeness, such as, "I am awesome and deserve someone who knows my worth," or "I am completely lovable just the way I am," and "I am deserving of great love."
No matter what happened with your ex, you have the power to rewrite the conversations that affirm the truth of who you are.
Emotional self-love:
Bring deep self-compassion and kindness to your wounds. Understand how you contributed to the relationship's dissolution. Examine the pain that arises from your childhood. Get therapy or divorce coaching.
Spiritual self-love:
Develop and maintain a deeper connection to your spirit by recognizing and honoring the voice of your intuition. This can be accomplished through meditation, journaling, and spending quiet moments in nature.
This inner guidance will let you know when you are truly ready for a relationship and whether someone you meet is right or wrong for you.
Create the life of your dreams by connecting to a vision that reflects your worthiness and lovability. Know your passions. Find confidence in your purpose. Make a commitment to follow those passions, no matter what (or who) comes along.
Committing to self-love and our life’s work before committing to a romantic relationship is the key to fulfillment and wholeness. When we commit to a life of service to ourselves and others, we have made the vows that must precede (and that enable) a commitment to another person.
3. Learn what a healthy relationship looks like, and take your time.
After being married or in a long-term relationship, it’s easy to idealize the next person you date. Because we have already been deeply connected to—or maybe married and had children with—our past partner, we may easily project scenarios onto people we have just met, fantasizing about the role they will play in our lives without knowing much about them.
But the truth about dating after a breakup is that the real measure of an appropriate and desirable partner goes well beyond whether or not they will be able to fit into the same role as an ex. It's about knowing who we are and what we want and then truly getting to know someone over time.
There are wonderful resources that can help clarify what a healthy relationship requires. Commit to the process of understanding what it takes to communicate and build a solid structure for a relationship before jumping in.
Healthy relationships start off slow—as friendships. Commitment, then intimacy, comes only after a physical, mental, and emotional connection has been made and consistently demonstrated over time.
When you love yourself, you can be open to many alternate resources for creativity and love and support. That allows you to avoid relying on a partner to give you something you lack. Even if you were in a codependent or unhealthy relationship, you can—and will—change these patterns by honoring yourself, knowing and sticking to your standards, and requiring (in a healthy and loving way) that others love and honor you as much as you love you.
4. Have fun.
When you do decide to date again, approach it as an adventure rather than a burden. Prepare yourself as much as possible, then let go, have fun, and trust the process.
You get to choose whether you will date a little or a lot. Learn what you might want in a future partner by meeting people and having fun. More than anything, dating is an opportunity to be exposed to new thoughts, environments, and lifestyles.
In asking and responding to questions about one another’s lives and core values, we create the opportunity to authentically communicate about ourselves with others. We can approach dating as a fun challenge. How can we get to know what really makes the other person tick?
Most importantly, we can enjoy the process of noting how we feel when we are around this person. Is there a lightness and joy or an anxious pit in our stomachs? Is there ease or awkwardness? Are there feelings that something is just "not right"? Practice nonattachment, rely on your personal support system, and stay curious about other people's worlds. Learning how they fit in with yours can be a joyful process rather than a painful one.
Now, after three years of healing from divorce and casually dating, I'm in a new relationship. I can attest to the fact that entering into a long-term commitment isn’t the endgame—it’s just the beginning. It will bring up our vulnerabilities and fears like nothing else can. When we enter the arena with an arsenal of self-love, high standards, and an understanding of the process, we can create and enjoy the ride of a relationship at a much deeper level.
Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/4-things-to-do-before-you-start-a-new-relationship
Your pain is almost unbearable but, you will get over it.
To understand the emotional pain experienced during a divorce, it might help to discuss the two types of emotional pain, according to some psychologists. There is “clean pain” and “dirty pain.”
Clean pain, is the pain that comes with living life in general. The loss of a loved one, having a serious illness, being in an abusive relationship and so forth. We all, at some time or another experience this kind of pain.
Dirty pain, is pathological pain and comes from what we tell ourselves about situations we find ourselves in. For example, negative thinking about oneself or, harsh judgments from others and a negative view of the world and experiences will cause us to experience “dirty pain.”
Both clean and dirty pain are experienced during a divorce, which is one reason the pain of divorce is hard to move past. It is common during a divorce to feel the pain of loss and the pain of pathological thinking about that loss. In other words, we experience both necessary pain and unnecessary pain during a divorce.
Regardless of whether you are the one who wanted a divorce or, the one who was left behind, there is emotional pain and healing to be expected. Perhaps if we look at where the feelings of sadness and negative emotions come from it will be easier to understand why the healing process can take longer than expected for some who divorce.
Where Does The Pain of Divorce Come From?
1. You’ve lost someone you once loved or maybe still love. There is a grieving process much like one would experience if they lost a loved one to death. It isn’t unusual to blame yourself for the end of the marriage or, blame your ex-spouse.
For those who didn’t want a divorce, there will be periods of anger at everything and everyone.
You may withdraw from friends and support and isolate yourself in an attempt for self-protection. Your ex is someone you were once intimately attached to; give yourself time to adjust to that loss.
2. You’ve lost dreams for the future. In a marriage, we live in the present and the future. There are constant thoughts of where we, as a couple will be 5, 10 or 20 years down the road. With divorce, any future the two of you had planned is gone; you have to start from scratch and learn to build a future for one after a divorce.
It is easy for newly divorced individuals to get stuck in the present or the past, ruminating over what went wrong and how they are feeling, “right now” instead of looking forward. Is it any wonder that some find it hard to get past the pain of having to let go of the future and start over again?
3. You’ve lost an intact family. If we have children we all work hard at having the “perfect” family. A lot of time and emotional energy goes into maintaining a great intact family. A lot of emotional pain goes into letting go of the idea that we didn’t have a “perfect” family.
When a family falls apart we are made more aware of the work and energy that will go into building a new and different family with a new partner.
We have to not only take into consideration our own pain and fears we have to focus on doing what is in the best interest of our children who’ve suffered the greatest loss of all.
4. You feel as if you have failed. Most of us don’t live in constant denial and are able to take responsibility for the role we played in the demise of our marriage. Admitting to ourselves that we made mistakes can leave us feeling vulnerable and riddled with guilt.
Even as commonplace as divorce is in today’s society there is still a certain amount of shame and embarrassment attached to the idea that we were not able to keep our marriage together. Facing others in our social circle, church or family can bring up negative emotions that also take time to heal. It is a matter of adjusting, going from being part of a couple to single again after a divorce.
And, that being OK within and without.
The above is a short list. It, by no means, covers all the bases. Pain is relative and each divorce situation is unique. You will suffer losses that are exclusive to your marriage and your recovery. The secret to recovering and moving on after divorce is to become self-aware and honest with yourself.
Divorce may mean freedom but with that freedom comes loss, and there must be a willingness to take the necessary time to heal.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-the-pain-of-divorce-is-hard-to-get-over-1102713
