10 Steps to Improve Your Personal Relationships

Psychology studies show that, in the long term, the most important thing in your life is your personal relationships. More important than your circumstances, hardships or successes, stuff you own or places you go, good quality relationships increase your resilience, your happiness and protect you from depression and other related “afflictions”.

This can only be said about mature, fulfilling relationships, which we define based on one principle: “win-win”. In “win-win” relationships (be it friendships or romantic ones), all parties bring their best and leave out the worst. They focus on increasing the value of the partnership, the time spent together, the amount of sharing and avoid, conscientiously, pointing fingers and turning each interaction into a competition.

They say that you don’t get to choose your parents and siblings; however, you get to choose your friends and lovers. Here are 10 steps towards improving the quality of your relationships which can help you find what you need to lead a fulfilled life.

1. Assess your self-esteem level and decide which kind of relationships you want.

Those based on sharing, learning, fun, empathy or listening? Or those meant to increase your value in the eyes of your community? Generally speaking, the most fulfilling relationships are those which are not meant to regulate your self-esteem level.

2. Decide what you value most in life as a person.

Finding out what you like and value, what is important for your growth and happiness will help you look for the same things in the people you bond with.

3.Evaluate every relationship in your life at this moment.

Give points to each of them in the “value department”, based on what you decided that matters for you. It may benefit you to give points to those relationships that help you stay true to yourself and don’t force you to pretend you’re someone else, are emotionally balanced and above average when it comes to the learning potential.

4. Based on your assessment, try and get rid (delicately!) of everything that consumes you emotionally

or influences your self-esteem by lowering it. Without being blunt, avoid relationships that favor conflict and nurture those that do you good.

5. Increase the frequency of interactions

with people that make you feel good. At home or work, look for individuals that raise your energy levels, give you reasons to smile and be optimistic.

6. “Water” your relationships.

Once you streamlined them, it’s time to work on them. They are, joke or not, like flowers, so focus on their development and take steps towards nurturing them. Focus on their quality in particular.

7. Give first, and expect very little, if nothing, in return.

In relationships, many people tend to ask themselves the same question: “what do I get from it?”. Giving first may be interpreted as consuming – in terms of time and emotional investment, but the benefits are unexpected. Behavior breeds behavior.

8. Don’t argue, but learn to compromise smartly.

Smart compromise involves shared responsibility for the future of the relationship and assertiveness. When everybody understands the part they play in their relationships’ evolution, the focus shifts from arguments to finding a common ground.

9. Share your best.

Knowledge, experience, emotions. Be it books, music, places you went or things you did that others might find interesting, many relationships are based on shared experiences, rather than anything else.

10. Keep an open mind

and embrace the good and different you see in others. Chance is the others see the same in you.

These ten steps are just a hint of what you could do towards improving your relationships. Follow them or not, but try to find out what suits you in particular. Remember that human interactions are, in a way, like wine: they get better in time. However, this only happens if you work on them.

Source: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-steps-improve-your-personal-relationships.html

An Open Letter To The Ex-Husband I’m Now Grateful For

“Thank you for giving me a second chance at happiness.”

Dear ex-husband,

I used to call you names behind your back after our divorce. The pain I felt after I found out you betrayed me was like no other pain I had experienced before. It ruined not only our marriage, but my self-confidence and my hopes and dreams for the future.

And yet, over the past two years this pain has slowly receded. Surprisingly, it has been replaced with gratitude. Only in the last six months have I been able to fully realize the plethora of reasons I have to thank you. The following are a few of my favorites:

I am eternally thankful that you provided the other half of our daughter’s DNA. Last Father’s Day, I sent you a text that said, “Happy Father’s Day. Even though we are no longer together I’m thankful we were together long enough to have Olivia. I will always be grateful to you for that.” I still mean every word of that text. Olivia is my whole life. I know she is your whole life as well. Together, we made one great tiny human. I quite literally could not have done it without you.

Thank you for cutting up my food so I could eat with one hand while breastfeeding our daughter. I remember posting about this on Facebook and mentioned that it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. You cutting my food into bite-sized pieces while I breastfed our daughter still commands first place in my book. That’s one of my favorite memories of our marriage.

Thank you for teaching me the true meaning of love and marriage. My favorite quote is “Marriage isn’t 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. Marriage has to be 100/100. It’s not about dividing everything but giving everything you’ve got.” I would never have understood the true meaning of love, marriage and commitment without our own rocky relationship and crashing end.

Thank you for giving me a second chance at happiness. Surprisingly, divorce is a great catalyst for reflection and self-improvement. I have learned so much about myself since we separated two years ago. I’ve learned that I am capable of enduring far more than I thought possible. I’ve learned how to love myself and how great it feels to be single. I’ve learned that love isn’t a fairytale. I believe all these lessons will eventually lead me to a wonderful and fulfilling relationship in the future.

I used to call you names after our divorce. That was before I realized how much there is to thank you for. That’s all for now. I know there will many more opportunities for gratitude in the future.

Thank you for everything.

― Sara

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/an-open-letter-to-the-ex-husband-im-now-grateful-for_us_5807f0a3e4b0180a36e8a945

9 Ways Mentally-Strong People Prevent Self-Pity From Becoming Self-Destructive

Whether you’ve been dumped by your partner, or you’re facing a financial crisis, throwing a pity party won’t help. In fact, feeling sorry for yourself can become downright self-destructive. It makes overcoming adversity difficult — if not impossible — and it keeps you stuck.

Mentally-strong people refuse to allow self-pity to sabotage their success. Instead, they use life’s inevitable hardships as a way to grow stronger and become better. Here’s how mentally-strong people avoid the self-pity trap:

1. They Face Their Feelings

Mentally-strong people allow themselves to experience emotions like grief, disappointment, and loneliness head on. They don’t distract themselves from uncomfortable emotions by questioning whether their problems are fair, or by convincing themselves they’ve suffered more than those around them. They know the best way to deal with discomfort is to just get through it.

2. They Recognize Warning Signs of the Downward Spiral

When you focus on everything that is going wrong in your life, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative. And those negative thoughts will negatively affect your behavior if you dwell on them. The combination of negative thinking and inactivity fuels further feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people recognize when they’re at risk of becoming caught in this downward spiral and they take action to prevent themselves from living a pitiful life.

3. They Question Their Perceptions

Our emotional state influences how we perceive reality. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you’re likely to focus on the bad things going on in your life, while overlooking the good. Mentally strong people question whether their thoughts represent reality.

They ask themselves questions like, “Is my luck always bad?” or “Is my entire life really ruined?” Asking themselves these types of questions allows them to recognize when they’re outlook isn’t realistic. This allows them to create a more realistic perception of their situation.

4. They Turn their Negative Thoughts into Behavioral Experiments

Mentally strong people don’t allow their negative thinking to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, when they find themselves thinking things like, “I could never put on a presentation as good as this one,” they respond by saying, “Challenge accepted!” They perform behavioral experiments to prove their negative thinking wrong.

5. They Reserve their Resources for Productive Activities

Every minute you spend hosting your own pity party is 60 seconds you delay working on a solution. Mentally strong people refuse to waste their precious time and energy dwelling on their misery. Instead, they devote their finite resources to productive activities that can improve their situation.

6. They Practice Gratitude

It’s impossible to feel self-pity and gratitude at the same time. While self-pity is about thinking, “I deserve better,” gratitude is about thinking, “I have more than I need.” Mentally strong people recognize all that they have to be grateful for in life — right down to the fresh air to breathe and clean water to drink.

7. They Help Other People

It’s hard to feel sorry for your problems when you’re helping those who are less fortunate. Problems like demanding customers or declining sales don’t seem so bad when you’re reminded that there are people who lack food and shelter. Rather than ruminate on their own inconveniences, mentally strong people strive to improve the lives of others.

8. They Refuse to Complain

Venting to other people about the magnitude of your problems fuels feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people don’t try to gain sympathy from others by complaining about their difficult circumstances. Instead, they either take action to make things better, or they accept the situations that they can’t change.

9. They Maintain an Optimistic Outlook

Some of life’s problems can’t be prevented nor solved. The loss of loved ones, natural disasters, and certain health conditions are problems that most people will face at one time or another. Mentally strong people keep an optimistic outlook about their ability to handle whatever life throws their way.

Build Mental Strength

Developing mental strength is similar to building physical strength. If you wanted to become physically strong you’d need good habits — like lifting weights. But you’d also need to get rid of bad habits, like eating too many sweets. Developing mental strength requires good habits — and it also requires you to give up destructive habits, like self-pity.

Everyone has the ability to build mental strength. By developing an increased ability to regulate your thoughts, manage your emotions and behave productively despite your circumstances, you’ll grow stronger and become better.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morin/9-ways-mentally-strong-pe_b_7214826.html

Bend, Not Break: 9 Powerful Traits of Resilient People

The noun resilience stems from the Latin resiliens “to rebound, recoil.” As a character trait, resilience is a person’s mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness or depression.

For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball. Like millions, I have had my share of adversity. Growing up in Bangladesh, I have seen war, famine, and inhumane poverty. As an entrepreneur, technologist, and author, I have faced many professional and personal failures and rejections. I had to learn the art of resiliency to survive and then thrive.

Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking. They possess a set of powerful traits. I’ve shared some of these traits separately in my previous posts; in this article, I wanted to bring them all together.

They Protect Their Soul

Dusting ourselves off every time we fall requires disciplining our inner energy and drive to protect our soul.

1. They Control Their Destiny.

It is difficult to understand how you can control your destiny when the very nature of adversity takes away your control. Destiny results from “intention” — our spiritual will, something that drives us to do what seems impossible.

Laurence Gonzales, author of SURVIVING SURVIVAL: The Art and Science of Resilience, in an article writes:

Julian Rotter, a professor of psychology at the University of Connecticut, developed the concept of what he calls “locus of control.” Some people, he says, view themselves as essentially in control of the good and bad things they experience — i.e., they have an internal locus of control.
This internal locus allows us to create options and scenarios based on instinct, the situation, and foresight. It allows us to create alternative plans in anticipation or in the midst of adversity.

2. They Accept Their Battle.

As humans, our instincts are to fight bitterly against adversity. The most resilient among us will often find a way to fight it by embracing it.

On my desk is a copy of “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Very few have talked about embracing adversity like him. A professor at Carnegie Mellon and a husband and father of three, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only a few months to live. He gave his Last Lecture on Sept. 18, 2007. His story, and particularly this final lecture, are a powerful reminder of the strength of the human spirit.

It’s not about how to achieve your dreams, it’s about how to lead your life ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. — Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

Randy decided to accept his situation and live out the days he had remaining by making a difference. He died on July 25, 2008, and now he lives on not only through his family but also through the millions he inspired. I am certainly one of them.

If you haven’t seen the “Last Lecture“ or read the book, then you must.

Once we accept our situation and let go of the outcome, it allows us to adapt and even thrive in the face of adversity.

3. They Use Adversity As Their Compass.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. — Helen Keller
Sometimes, if we pay close attention, we see that adversity can come into our life to guide us to our true destiny. It certainly did for Helen Keller.

Helen Keller fell ill, lost her sight, her hearing and fell mute while she was a child. Today, her name is known around the world as a symbol of courage, strength and determination in the face of overwhelming odds. Through the tutelage of her teacher, Ms. Annie Sullivan, and other great supporters, she used her adversity to find her vision, her voice, and a calling for herself that led to great benefits to others.

They Learn to Suffer Well

Adversity inherently invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. Accepting and growing through our pain is part of our personal growth. This is hardly easy. Like any other skill, learning to suffer well requires conscious practice and learning.

4. They Practice Patience. 

The realization of the power of patience was most obvious to me during my visit to the Toshogu Shrine in Nikko, Japan. There, I stood in front of a famous Japanese calligraphy, a quote by Tokugawa Ieyasu, founder of the Tokugawa shogunate which ruled Japan for over 250 years until 1868.

It says: “The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.”

Over time, I have found that the practice of patience begins with:

Compassion — The Dalai Lama says, “a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” It is perhaps one of the hardest things to practice, yet there’s no substitute for compassion.

Gratitude — When life turns upside down, staying in an attitude of genuine thankfulness helps us realize what we have.

5. They Let Go. 

Fear is a protective emotion signaling danger and helps us to prepare for and cope with it. Fear perhaps is the key fundamental emotion that holds us back — fear of failure, losing people, success, the unknown, and fear of moving forward or making a change. Emotional pain is another key factor that often holds us back. Although others can cause pain for us, our pain can also be caused by our own actions, including our inability to achieve a desired aspiration.

The physical reaction to fear and pain is called the “fight or flight” response. Letting go is the inner action that stops resisting fear and pain, allowing us to restore our ability to see clearly. Letting go comes from having a “nonjudgmental” outlook toward life and people. It allows us to forgive others and ourselves equally for mistakes and incompatibility. We must be willing to let go of fear, pain, anger, and people. It is the ability to let go that drives a constant process of change — it is what makes us flexible and adaptable. This is hardly easy, takes a conscious effort, and is something I know I struggle with every day.

6. They Live in the Moment. 

Being truly in the moment allows us to escape from adversity and conserve our inner energy. Living in the moment doesn’t mean we don’t care about the past or future. It means that when we make a choice to do something, we focus on solely doing it, rather than letting our mind wander into the future (or the past).

It’s been said that the only two jobs of a Zen monk are sitting zazen (meditation) and sweeping. Cleaning is one of the most important daily rituals of a Zen monk. They sweep or rake, and they try to do nothing else in that moment. The next time you’re doing housework, try concentrating on the housework — on the dust, the motion, the sensation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as boring chores, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness — something I ritualistically try to do at least once or twice a week. Sounds simple — but it’s actually pretty hard.

They Lead From Within

Despite our darkest moments, it is our duty to stay connected to our core intention. Resilient people reach their highest potential by taking risks that are consistent with their ethos and purpose. They lead themselves by constantly standing on an uncomfortable ledge.

7. They Develop Flexibility.

Lao Tzu said, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: What is soft is strong.”

Our ability to effectively survive, thrive and lead comes from flexibly riding out our ups and downs. An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having the faith, resilience and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.

8. They Find the Right Traveling Partners. 

The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. It’s not only whom we surround ourselves with that matters, but also how we interact with them that make the difference. It is important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. While we cannot always avoid them, at a minimum we can choose to not allow them to weaken us. And sometimes the right companion shows up through chance encounters.

In life’s journey there are many encounters. Some are planned; some are by accident; and some by divine intervention. I have had many amazing “Chance Encounters,” where it seems the universe rallied to come to my aid when I needed the help most. They have occurred when least expected — and many of the people I’ve encountered have become friends and family. And whenever those encounters initially left me with a “negative” experience, they turned out to be much-needed lessons for me.

9. They Take the Next Step Forward. 

The ability to visualize our dreams creates a mindset that makes our ambitions possible. Understanding exactly what we want is the foundation for our success. But executing that success requires taking the next step, every day, no matter how hard it may be.
Author Joseph Marshall III shares Native American wisdom on taking the step in his book Keep Going.

It means letting the tears flow through the grief; it means to keep looking for the answer though the darkness of despair is all around. Each step takes you closer to the top of the hill, closer to the light of the next sunrise, and the promise of a new day.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/faisal-hoque/bend-not-break-9-powerful_b_4719513.html

How to Avoid the #1 Killer of Happiness

You’ve probably done something like this, too. And it can sabotage your ability to move on.

I thought my world had ended back in January.

I had this job and career that made me comfortable and paid well. It was not necessarily a job that I loved, but it made me feel secure and gave me the validation that I thought I needed.

Until I was laid off.

I started to panic, because although I was not necessarily happy with it, it least it paid the bills and the thought of financially uncertainty terrified me.

But here’s where my own missteps came in: As I started to assemble a resume, apply for new jobs, desperately hoping I would find employment soon, a voice in the back of my head get chiming in.

I’ll feel so much better once I get that job interview!

I know everything will be okay once I get the job offer.

I will be happy again once I am in a new job.

Once I get that first paycheck, I know I’ll smile and feel better about everything.

Do you see the dangerous pattern going on here?

You’ve probably done something like this, too. And it can sabotage your ability to move on.
Relying on external factors to make you happy.

During the next few months, we are going on a quest. And that quest is learning how to take our lives back. But we cannot do that if we are dependent on outside factors to shape how we move on from divorce.

Only we can do that and that’s why we are going to start this quest with developing self-awareness. Because the more in-tune we are with our own thoughts, our own sense of joy, and our own triggers, the easier it will be to practice that mindfulness we need to be kinder to ourselves, more confident in ourselves, and able to hold ourselves accountable to building on with the next chapter in our lives. So let’s get started.

“Once X happens, only then will I be or feel Y….”

At some point in our lives—we’ve all done this. And as we learn to heal and move the hell on from this divorce, we may still fall into what I call the X-Y Trap. We say to ourselves that it will take a certain external situation (what I call the X) in order for us to achieve an internal state (what I call the Y). While this occurs in everyday situations, the X-Y Trap loves to linger during the divorce process. Do any of these sound familiar?

“Once the papers are signed, then I will be happy.”

“I’ll be happy again when I find a new partner to be with. Somebody who will be so much better than my ex-spouse.”

“When I move out of this house with all its memories and ghosts, I’ll be happy.”

“As soon as I quit feeling so overwhelmed, then I can work on being happy.”

They sure as hell sound familiar to me, because I know as I was learning to move on, I would fall into this trap as well!

So, how do we avoid falling into the X-Y Trap? And, if we are already ensnared, how can we get the hell out of it?

Only by changing what goes on internally can we start finding happiness.

It’s simple, but not easy.

We must start thinking in terms of looking inward and relying on ourselves to be happy. No amount of money or outside validation or relationship status will do it for us. It must come from inside. We must consciously choose to be grateful and choose happiness, even when we feel overwhelmed and feel like we are a complete mess. Even when we feel like we are alone or feel betrayed or feel bad or impatient or feel like we will never get through the divorce and emerge on the other side, stronger and more confident than from where we started. Those feeling all derive from outside influence that we choose to react towards in a way that does not help us.

Regardless of where we are in life, we must all consciously choose to be happy, to be grateful, and to find joy in the fact that we are here, we are alive, and we are being given a second chance in this life. We must choose internally to embrace the fact we are now becoming independent—not only financially and now having the ability to live on our terms—but now independent to rely on ourselves to be happy—something no outside forces should determine for us.

Exercise—Take charge of your own happiness.

It may have been years—if at all—that we have looked within ourselves to find a happiness that does not rely on external factors. It may seem overwhelming and impossible, especially when we are stressed-out and grieving. But it does not have to be. Take a look at the easy exercise below, with examples to get you started.

Step 1: Name the things you have relied on to be happy. Some of my own examples are below if you need to get started.

A certain number in my bank account will make me happy.

Being in a relationship with a man who treats me right will make me happy.

Step 2: Flip the script.
No relationship in the world is going to make me happy if I do not love myself and treat myself right. From now on, I am going to focus on myself and work on myself. I need to start putting myself first—speaking up for myself, taking better care of myself, and finding joy in being alone.

Step 3: Whenever you are triggered and thinking that you need something external to make you happy, do this exercise.

Do it often. And the more you practice finding internal happiness, the more your life becomes filled with gratitude, not needing to rely on some outside factor you cannot control to make you happy. You are strong enough to find that within yourself.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/avoid-1-killer-happiness-dg/

Highly Optimistic People Do These 10 Things

We all know a person or two who always see the sunny side of life. These people are happy, outgoing, vivacious, energetic, and full of spunk and spirit. They look for the positive in every situation. They have a clear head and an open heart. Their glass is always half-full, maybe even, overflowing. Their lives revolve around the good things that they do, the good thoughts that they think, and the good things that they choose to see.

An increasing number of scientific studies and independent research has shown that optimistic people have better mental and physical health. Optimistic people tend to live longer, overcome difficulties faster, manage stress better, have lower rates of depression, and focus more on their true purpose in life. Overall, the studies behind the benefits of being optimistic prove that it pays great dividends to develop a positive outlook on life.

The world would be so grateful if it had more optimistic people in it. So, let’s start developing some habits that will move us in that direction:

Smile often.

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself and your life on the inside. It also helps to attract more positive people to you. Wear a smile like a badge of honor. When we smile, we create the type of environment we want to live in and work in. Smiling releases tension and frustration, it helps us to think about tough situations differently, and it loosens up our face so other people will feel comfortable around us. On the other hand, frowning or looking sad all the time, attracts negative energy and negative people to us. It makes difficult situations more difficult and our lives harder to manage.

Be thankful.

Appreciate the good things and good people that come into your life. Express your appreciation with words and deeds. If you’re not grateful for what you have in life, you will not get more. At the same time, we should also be grateful for the bad things in life, and even for the difficult people that come into our lives. These things are given to us to make us stronger, wiser, brighter, and better people. Be thankful for the good and the bad in every situation because all of it helps guide us to live brilliant lives. That’s the whole point of being optimistic.

Laugh a lot.

The Bible got it right: “Laughter is like medicine.” Some things in life are serious, and those things should be taken seriously. But some things are just down right funny. Some things are so stupid that they’re funny. Some of the things we do, the mistakes we make, the mindless behavior, is funny. Learn to open up and laugh. Have a ball laughing at yourself, at other people (seriously, some people are funny), at silly things, at serious things. Come on, don’t be stuck up and take everything so seriously. Don’t take yourself seriously either. You can get through the tough times of life much easier if you learn to laugh. Life is like a cake. The serious stuff is on the inside, but it’s covered over in icing so you can’t see it.

Take responsibility.

So often, people blame their past, their family, their environment, and even third parties who don’t know them, such as the government, for their problems. Blaming people for what you alone can change will only make you sadder and depressed. People who take responsibility for the choices that they make, by default, live happier lives. When you accept who you are and realize that what you do is under no one else’s control but yours, you will begin to see optimism rise in your life. You are in control of you. No one can block your sunshine or hinder you from success unless you let them.

Listen.

When we truly listen to other people, we are saying by our behavior that we are confident and secure within ourselves to be open to what other people have to say. We don’t know everything. When we open our minds and ears, we allow more knowledge and wisdom to come in and resonate with us instead of blocking out the good ideas and thoughts of others. When we know what we know and at the same time are willing to listen to what other people know, we attract more of the good stuff that we desire in life. Not only should we listen to positive people, but we should listen to God, to our conscience, and to the often silent cry of those who are poor, desperate, and without hope.

Show kindness.

Those who have a bright outlook on life are better equipped to handle the not so fortunate situations of other people. They can often bring a positive view to a negative situation and show the person going through it a different way out. Optimistic people see what can be done when other people don’t and can’t see it. These people shine a candle for others. They light the path so that others can follow in it. They step out, take a little child’s hand in theirs and help to make that child’s life better. They fight for those who are weak and they dream for those who can’t or won’t dream for themselves.

Forgive.

Okay, sure, forgiveness is easier said than done. But unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person who needs to be forgiven. People are not perfect; they disappoint, they make mistakes, they say things that they shouldn’t, and do things that they know will hurt. But you can never move forward if you’re always holding grudges against people who hurt you in the past. Let stuff go. Cancel out the debt of hurt and pain. Bad experiences and hurtful people do not define us. Forgive. Even if they don’t ask for it, forgive them anyway. 
Optimistic people don’t let past hurts hinder their present progress. Forgiveness always leads to freedom.

Do your thing.

Positive people are insanely in love with what they do. They know who they are, they know what their gifts and talents are, and they are crazily happy to wake up and make things happen. Their purpose is the fuel that propels them forward to climb higher and to do bigger and better things in life. They are undeterred by roadblocks and setbacks. They see every day as an exciting challenge. They live in the moment and are passionate about the possibilities of greatness that lie within them. At the same time, positive people are able to encourage and appreciate the gifts and talents of others. They are not envious or jealous of the success of other people. Why? They don’t have time to because they are too busy being successful themselves.

Think positively.

When we think of a hospital, we often think of all the people who are sick or dying, the needles that must be inserted, the blood that must be drawn, the skin that must be grafted, the leg that must be amputated, the heart that must be replaced, and the kidney that must be transplanted. Sure, all of these things and more must be done. But rarely do we think about the baby that is being delivered, the organ being donated, the brain tumor that has been removed, the cancer that has been caught early, the medicine that has done its job, and the lives that are being saved. See, when we start to visualize the good things that come from bad situations, we open up our minds to see the wonderful things waiting to be seen. The sun continues to shine even when it’s raining. There is always a rainbow waiting to burst forth after the rain. Optimistic people always see the good, the positive, the sunshine, the rainbow. If we think we can, we can. It takes more energy to worry about what can’t be done then it does to work on what can be done. Positive thinking people don’t live in Pollyanna land, but they do realistically see the world and life in a forward manner. They are able to deal with the tough stuff and at the same time attract more of the good stuff to their lives. Life is not left up to chance, it is left up to our choices. We often hear people say, “It is what it is.” Really? No. It is what you make it.

Be inspiring.

You can’t live your life to yourself. That’s selfish. Live openly. Let other people be inspired by what you do. Be a person who creates things for other people to enjoy. Few people write books, but millions read them. Few people sing songs, but millions listen to them. Few people know how to give good advice, but millions follow them. The world needs inspiring people, creative people, awesome people. Be one of them.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniella-whyte/highly-optimistic-people-_b_9803338.html

Turning Negative Thinkers Into Positive Ones

Most mornings as I leave the Y after my swim and shower, I cross paths with a coterie of toddlers entering with their caregivers for a kid-oriented activity. I can’t resist saying hello, requesting a high-five, and wishing them a fun time. I leave the Y grinning from ear to ear, uplifted not just by my own workout but even more so by my interaction with these darling representatives of the next generation.

What a great way to start the day!

When I told a fellow swimmer about this experience and mentioned that I was writing a column on the health benefits of positive emotions, she asked, “What do you do about people who are always negative?” She was referring to her parents, whose chronic negativity seems to drag everyone down and make family visits extremely unpleasant.

I lived for half a century with a man who suffered from periodic bouts of depression, so I understand how challenging negativism can be. I wish I had known years ago about the work Barbara Fredrickson, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina, has done on fostering positive emotions, in particular her theory that accumulating “micro-moments of positivity,” like my daily interaction with children, can, over time, result in greater overall well-being.

The research that Dr. Fredrickson and others have done demonstrates that the extent to which we can generate positive emotions from even everyday activities can determine who flourishes and who doesn’t. More than a sudden bonanza of good fortune, repeated brief moments of positive feelings can provide a buffer against stress and depression and foster both physical and mental health, their studies show.

This is not to say that one must always be positive to be healthy and happy. Clearly, there are times and situations that naturally result in negative feelings in the most upbeat of individuals. Worry, sadness, anger and other such “downers” have their place in any normal life. But chronically viewing the glass as half-empty is detrimental both mentally and physically and inhibits one’s ability to bounce back from life’s inevitable stresses.

Negative feelings activate a region of the brain called the amygdala, which is involved in processing fear and anxiety and other emotions. Dr. Richard J. Davidson, a neuroscientist and founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin — Madison, has shown that people in whom the amygdala recovers slowly from a threat are at greater risk for a variety of health problems than those in whom it recovers quickly.

Both he and Dr. Fredrickson and their colleagues have demonstrated that the brain is “plastic,” or capable of generating new cells and pathways, and it is possible to train the circuitry in the brain to promote more positive responses. That is, a person can learn to be more positive by practicing certain skills that foster positivity.

For example, Dr. Fredrickson’s team found that six weeks of training in a form of meditation focused on compassion and kindness resulted in an increase in positive emotions and social connectedness and improved function of one of the main nerves that helps to control heart rate. The result is a more variable heart rate that, she said in an interview, is associated with objective health benefits like better control of blood glucose, less inflammation and faster recovery from a heart attack.

Dr. Davidson’s team showed that as little as two weeks’ training in compassion and kindness meditation generated changes in brain circuitry linked to an increase in positive social behaviors like generosity.

“The results suggest that taking time to learn the skills to self-generate positive emotions can help us become healthier, more social, more resilient versions of ourselves,” Dr. Fredrickson reported in the National Institutes of Health monthly newsletter in 2015.

In other words, Dr. Davidson said, “well-being can be considered a life skill. If you practice, you can actually get better at it.” By learning and regularly practicing skills that promote positive emotions, you can become a happier and healthier person. Thus, there is hope for people like my friend’s parents should they choose to take steps to develop and reinforce positivity.

In her newest book, “Love 2.0,” Dr. Fredrickson reports that “shared positivity — having two people caught up in the same emotion — may have even a greater impact on health than something positive experienced by oneself.” Consider watching a funny play or movie or TV show with a friend of similar tastes, or sharing good news, a joke or amusing incidents with others. Dr. Fredrickson also teaches “loving-kindness meditation” focused on directing good-hearted wishes to others. This can result in people “feeling more in tune with other people at the end of the day,” she said.

Activities Dr. Fredrickson and others endorse to foster positive emotions include:
Do good things for other people. In addition to making others happier, this enhances your own positive feelings. It can be something as simple as helping someone carry heavy packages or providing directions for a stranger.

Appreciate the world around you. It could be a bird, a tree, a beautiful sunrise or sunset or even an article of clothing someone is wearing. I met a man recently who was reveling in the architectural details of the 19th-century houses in my neighbourhood.

Develop and bolster relationships. Building strong social connections with friends or family members enhances feelings of self-worth and, long-term studies have shown, is associated with better health and a longer life.

Establish goals that can be accomplished. Perhaps you want to improve your tennis or read more books. But be realistic; a goal that is impractical or too challenging can create unnecessary stress.

Learn something new. It can be a sport, a language, an instrument or a game that instills a sense of achievement, self-confidence and resilience. But here, too, be realistic about how long this may take and be sure you have the time needed.

Choose to accept yourself, flaws and all. Rather than imperfections and failures, focus on your positive attributes and achievements. The loveliest people I know have none of the external features of loveliness but shine with the internal beauty of caring, compassion and consideration of others.

Practice resilience. Rather than let loss, stress, failure or trauma overwhelm you, use them as learning experiences and steppingstones to a better future. Remember the expression: When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.

Practice mindfulness. Ruminating on past problems or future difficulties drains mental resources and steals attention from current pleasures. Let go of things you can’t control and focus on the here-and-now. Consider taking a course in insight meditation.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/04/03/well/live/turning-negative-thinkers-into-positive-ones.html

Forgiveness, Gratitude, Tomayto, Tomahto

A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable.

On my 30th birthday, I received the gift every girl dreams of. Well, OK, maybe not every girl. Maybe just this girl and a few others I know. It arrived on that unusually sunny February morning in England, gift wrapped in an airmail envelope. I must have sensed at some level that its contents were of a rare and mystical quality because I opened it as if in possession of the holy grail itself.

Inside the envelope, shimmering in all of its golden, legal pad glory, was an agenda-free letter of amends from my ex-boyfriend, containing 2 A4 sides of pure, unadulterated accountability for his part in the demise of our relationship. It was poetry, and it made me feel good for exactly half an hour.

It was no coincidence, in my opinion, that this man subsequently met his soulmate and is now happily married to her. He had done his work and was cleaning house from a place of genuine remorse, free from inappropriate shame but without even a whisper of justification. I could feel his heart on the page and it is for that same reason I believe, that my emotional high that morning lasted for a mere 30 minutes. My house was still cluttered with ungrieved loss, unresolved wounds, and the absence of any real clarity or accountability for my own part in what had happened between us. It took an additional three-and-a-half years for me to return the favour. I’m sure, even then I came nowhere close to doing justice to the letter I’d received.

The sense of liberation that I felt, however, in writing those lines of heartfelt remorse, was a lesson I have subsequently carried with me like a treasure. The lesson that any unresolved pain I carry in my heart can never be liberated by another human being. Even if the scenario in question is a place where my role was entirely that of being a powerless victim. Recognition, accountability and even an apology from the so-called offender in question will never set me free. Forgiveness doesn’t come as a result of my offender’s awakening but only as a result of my own.

A couple of years ago, my understanding of why and how forgiveness works in this way deepened when a dear friend turned me on to a life-changing book called Radical Forgiveness. Overnight, my perception of everything transformed from three- to four-dimensional. I would strongly recommend this book to anyone in the clutches of unresolved hurts or a painfully-insistent cycle of being or perceiving themselves as being victimized or persecuted.

The author proposes that everything is happening for us, not to us. The book suggests that our souls have made agreements with one other to act out what we need to experience in order for us to evolve into our whole, actualised selves. So, when your boss routinely passes you over for that promotion, you have, according to Radical Forgiveness, at some level agreed that they would do this for you so that you would learn something about your role in this reoccurring pattern. Maybe you need to learn to value yourself more, to speak up or to risk leaving for a new job elsewhere that is a better match for your skills. Or perhaps you are learning that climbing the career ladder is not a reflection of your worth or a match for the emptiness you feel. Or maybe you have somebody in your life who repeatedly through word or deed implies that you are worthless, of low value, unlovable, not good enough, in some way faulty or wrong etc. Through the lens of this same premise, they are consistently offering you the opportunity to begin, in word and deed, to refute those implications, and to out-grow and heal the origins of those beliefs.

I cannot tell you how many times the following scenario has happened to/for me. I have an unconscious belief that is making my life miserable and blocking me from receiving or feeling joy, abundance, love, or any of the good stuff. And I know that I don’t have the good stuff, but I’m not conscious of the belief that is blocking it or creating the circumstances I’m feeling stuck in. So, as if by magic, a character shows up my life (when the student is ready, the teacher appears), and starts speaking, and or acting out my shadow beliefs, and they do it with complete and utter impunity. Usually, I either fall in love with them or I can’t stand them or a little of both depending on the severity of the belief. But always, at some point, they become intolerable to me, because in truth, what is happening is that they are making my own dysfunctional beliefs conscious, and they are giving me the opportunity to start rejecting them.

This is true of most of us. I reject the person or the situation that is bringing the consciousness alive for me because I don’t want to own that I’m carrying it and that I feel powerless to change. So here’s a better idea: Either they should change, or shut up or go away. But that never works. Because if they do, like clockwork, a new character shows up with the exact same script. Or I keep running the script that the character I amputated was running, round and around in my mind. And on it goes until I, myself, become clear around the beliefs that are no longer serving me.

At the point that I become clear and willing to change, the character who apparently had the contract to do this for me either changes, too or disappears. And it’s isn’t always a case of being shown a shadow belief. Sometimes a situation or person shows up that has something I want, something that I have been denying myself, not allowing myself to want, or not feeling good enough to have. Same principle. They bring to life the pain of the denied desire and all the beliefs that are blocking me from having it. Usually the same process too. Immediately I either put the person on a pedestal, ie. deny that they are just showing me an unrealised aspect of myself by making them superior to me. Or I degrade the thing I’m telling myself I don’t want or care about having, or easier still the offending character who has what I want, in an attempt to make it all unconscious again. Until the next time. Because, as we all know, that which we resist, persists!

While in the moment it feels excruciating or even impossible to find the gold in the discomfort—especially whenever a perceived injustice is being enacted in my life—and I want to take the person I see as being the offender and throw them off something very tall with an unforgiving landing ground, I am still almost positive that it is all happening for me, not to me.

Every scenario I believe contains a gift for all parties.

I’ve come to see these interactions less as unwanted confrontation or conflict but as shadow theatre. A performance of characters who appear to be dark but are actually being operated by helping hands with a desire to wake me up somehow. I have my so-called antagonists, the Voldermorts and pretty much anyone with an evil laugh at Disney, who are there to provoke me into growth, and the so called support team, the Sam Wise Ganges, C3POs, and Gandalfs, who are there to inspire and nourish me into growth.


Whichever way you look at it, they’re all on the same side. How or why would Luke ever have discovered his connection to the force and his calling to become a Jedi if it hadn’t been for Darth Vader? Antagonists don’t just make for good stories; they are a necessity of life. I have come to see them as my best friends in disguise. The greater the infraction, the further I will have to travel and expand my capacity for compassion and healing and acceptance. From that perspective, the infraction becomes a gift worthy of gratitude.

Here’s the tricky part: To hold the knowledge of that truth, but to act according to the lessons. In other words, we’re not here to be boundaryless doormats in a state of transcendence around abusive behaviour. Nor should we be renouncing accountability for our own offending behaviour on the premise that we were doing someone a favour in order to help them with their personal growth. Sometimes the lesson is learning to draw the line, say no, or to speak up. Or perhaps it is learning to feel remorse or to be able to process appropriate guilt and shame around our dysfunctional behaviour. This isn’t a perspective designed to transcend accountability or difficult feelings; it is, in fact, the opposite. It is a perspective that takes the cycle of being stuck in shame, blame and waiting in order to get the liberation we need to move on or to grow.

Are apologies really only for the apologiser? I don’t think so. To be on the receiving end of an authentic, heartfelt amends can be a profoundly validating and moving experience. More than that, it seems to me to be the only pathway for deepening intimacy. The expression of authentic accountability and remorse builds trust in a relationship. A person who is able to be accountable can also be held accountable. Often it appears that the stronger and healthier a person’s ego, sense of self-worth, and personal security, the greater their capacity for personal accountability, remorse, and processing appropriate levels of healthy shame, all a necessary part of being available for healthy connection with others.

My closest relationships have all weathered a variety of storms, and been made stronger and more intimate by them. During these times we have earned each other’s trust by taking responsibility for our behaviour, and by demonstrating genuine remorse for the impact of our missteps. The desire to change and do better in the future often makes the parties involved feel valuable and valued. So perhaps this is one of the most powerful ways that intimacy is created. Because while the good times in relationships are wonderful, I wonder if our most intimate bonds are forged during times of difficulty or conflict.

People who have weathered storms together are usually closer than people who have only ever experienced the sunny parts of life together. Most healthy relationships, of course, contain a cocktail of shadow theatre and sunny picnics along with the acceptance that no human being is without dark and light. When I come to view the darkness in myself and others with a grateful and investigative mind, the world and everyone in it becomes more like a friendly school of evolution than a battlefield. While school wasn’t always my favourite place to be, I’d much rather be in class than at war.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/forgiveness-gratitude-tomayto-tomahto-lbkr/

Gratitude is a Game Changer

If you are wondering what you have to be grateful for, start with the small things and what you can label as the treasures of your heart.

What is meant by the phrase “game changer?” Who or what can that phrase be applied to? Most often it’s applied to sporting events or war. But what would it mean if it were applied to your life. Game changer refers to a shift in outcomes, either good or bad. If you are not pleased with the events or circumstances of your life, a change of some kind would be a game changer for you.

Sometimes a game changer is as simple as a change in attitude from one of dejection, lack, and inertia to one of gratitude, abundance, and boundless energy. Tall order? Maybe not. It is often extraordinary the kinds of changes that show up in our lives when it is viewed through a different lens. When you start from a place of gratitude, really internalizing all that is right in your life, you have affected the outcome. You have uncovered a game changer called gratitude.

If you are wondering what you have to be grateful for, start with the small things and what you can label as the treasures of your heart. Begin by filling your heart with gratitude for simply being. When you wake up in the morning what is the first and most obvious of your treasures? You woke up! Not enough to be grateful for? Then think of the many who did not wake up.

Once you begin to take inventory of your treasures, things to be grateful for, you are better able to face life from a different, more positive attitude—one of thankfulness. Gratitude becomes a game changer.

The benefits of gratitude are numerous. To start with, gratitude lowers stress, which we all know is unhealthy. When you have a sense of gratitude, you can successfully cope with the challenges that come your way, you have more enthusiasm as you face the day. It will actually prove difficult to feel defeated or depressed when you are grateful.

Gratitude helps you put life in perspective as it enhances your wellbeing. When you have a more positive, can-do perspective, success is easier to attain.

By expressing gratitude for even the small positive aspects of your life, you are likely to feel happier and more optimistic. You will feel more in charge. Wouldn’t you prefer to face the day in a more positive “I can do it” frame of mind? What a game changer that would be for so many people! Would it be for you, too?

If you are struggling with finding that place of gratitude in your life, start small. For example, when you make your to-do list in the morning or you are in some way reviewing the coming day, think of one small thing that you are grateful for. Write it down, either at the top of your to-do list or in a journal. This exercise should get easier everyday and your list should begin to grow. If it is still difficult for you to feel grateful, talk to someone who can help your through it and recommend other exercises you can try so that you can uncover your gratitude treasure.

You see, gratitude really is a game changer that can affect your life on so many levels. It affects your physical and mental health, your relationship with others and your satisfaction with your career or job. You are more likely to feel optimistic and you can better position yourself for success in whatever you attempt to do.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gratitude-is-a-game-changer-bbab/

Choose to Be Grateful. It Will Make You Happier.

TWENTY-FOUR years ago this month, my wife and I married in Barcelona, Spain. Two weeks after our wedding, flush with international idealism, I had the bright idea of sharing a bit of American culture with my Spanish in-laws by cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner.
Easier said than done. Turkeys are not common in Barcelona. The local butcher shop had to order the bird from a specialty farm in France, and it came only partially plucked. Our tiny oven was too small for the turkey. No one had ever heard of cranberries.

Over dinner, my new family had many queries. Some were practical, such as, “What does this beast eat to be so filled with bread?” But others were philosophical: “Should you celebrate this holiday even if you don’t feel grateful?”

I stumbled over this last question. At the time, I believed one should feel grateful in order to give thanks. To do anything else seemed somehow dishonest or fake — a kind of bourgeois, saccharine insincerity that one should reject. It’s best to be emotionally authentic, right? Wrong. Building the best life does not require fealty to feelings in the name of authenticity, but rather rebelling against negative impulses and acting right even when we don’t feel like it. In a nutshell, acting grateful can actually make you grateful.

For many people, gratitude is difficult, because life is difficult. Even beyond deprivation and depression, there are many ordinary circumstances in which gratitude doesn’t come easily. This point will elicit a knowing, mirthless chuckle from readers whose Thanksgiving dinners are usually ruined by a drunk uncle who always needs to share his political views. Thanks for nothing.

Beyond rotten circumstances, some people are just naturally more grateful than others. A 2014 article in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience identified a variation in a gene (CD38) associated with gratitude. Some people simply have a heightened genetic tendency to experience, in the researchers’ words, “global relationship satisfaction, perceived partner responsiveness and positive emotions (particularly love).” That is, those relentlessly positive people you know who seem grateful all the time may simply be mutants.
But we are more than slaves to our feelings, circumstances and genes. Evidence suggests that we can actively choose to practice gratitude — and that doing so raises our happiness.

This is not just self-improvement hokum. For example, researchers in one 2003 study randomly assigned one group of study participants to keep a short weekly list of the things they were grateful for, while other groups listed hassles or neutral events. Ten weeks later, the first group enjoyed significantly greater life satisfaction than the others. Other studies have shown the same pattern and lead to the same conclusion. If you want a truly happy holiday, choose to keep the “thanks” in Thanksgiving, whether you feel like it or not.

How does all this work? One explanation is that acting happy, regardless of feelings, coaxes one’s brain into processing positive emotions. In one famous 1993 experiment, researchers asked human subjects to smile forcibly for 20 seconds while tensing facial muscles, notably the muscles around the eyes called the orbicularis oculi (which create “crow’s feet”). They found that this action stimulated brain activity associated with positive emotions.

If grinning for an uncomfortably long time like a scary lunatic isn’t your cup of tea, try expressing gratitude instead. According to research published in the journal Cerebral Cortex, gratitude stimulates the hypothalamus (a key part of the brain that regulates stress) and the ventral tegmental area (part of our “reward circuitry” that produces the sensation of pleasure).

It’s science, but also common sense: Choosing to focus on good things makes you feel better than focusing on bad things. As my teenage kids would say, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” In the slightly more elegant language of the Stoic philosopher Epictetus, “He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has.”

In addition to building our own happiness, choosing gratitude can also bring out the best in those around us. Researchers at the University of Southern California showed this in a 2011 study of people with high power but low emotional security (think of the worst boss you’ve ever had). The research demonstrated that when their competence was questioned, the subjects tended to lash out with aggression and personal denigration. When shown gratitude, however, they reduced the bad behavior. That is, the best way to disarm an angry interlocutor is with a warm “thank you.”

I learned this lesson 10 years ago. At the time, I was an academic social scientist toiling in professorial obscurity, writing technical articles and books that would be read by a few dozen people at most. Soon after securing tenure, however, I published a book about charitable giving that, to my utter befuddlement, gained a popular audience. Overnight, I started receiving feedback from total strangers who had seen me on television or heard me on the radio.

One afternoon, I received an unsolicited email. “Dear Professor Brooks,” it began, “You are a fraud.” That seemed pretty unpromising, but I read on anyway. My correspondent made, in brutal detail, a case against every chapter of my book. As I made my way through the long email, however, my dominant thought wasn’t resentment. It was, “He read my book!” And so I wrote him back — rebutting a few of his points, but mostly just expressing gratitude for his time and attention. I felt good writing it, and his near-immediate response came with a warm and friendly tone.

DOES expressing gratitude have any downside? Actually, it might: There is some research suggesting it could make you fat. A new study in the Journal of Consumer Psychology finds evidence that people begin to crave sweets when they are asked to express gratitude. If this finding holds up, we might call it the Pumpkin Pie Paradox.

The costs to your weight notwithstanding, the prescription for all of us is clear: Make gratitude a routine, independent of how you feel — and not just once each November, but all year long.

There are concrete strategies that each of us can adopt. First, start with “interior gratitude,” the practice of giving thanks privately. Having a job that involves giving frequent speeches — not always to friendly audiences — I have tried to adopt the mantra in my own work of being grateful to the people who come to see me.

Next, move to “exterior gratitude,” which focuses on public expression. The psychologist Martin Seligman, father of the field known as “positive psychology,” gives some practical suggestions on how to do this. In his best seller “Authentic Happiness,” he recommends that readers systematically express gratitude in letters to loved ones and colleagues. A disciplined way to put this into practice is to make it as routine as morning coffee. Write two short emails each morning to friends, family or colleagues, thanking them for what they do.
Finally, be grateful for useless things. It is relatively easy to be thankful for the most important and obvious parts of life — a happy marriage, healthy kids or living in America. But truly happy people find ways to give thanks for the little, insignificant trifles. Ponder the impractical joy in Gerard Manley Hopkins’s poem “Pied Beauty”:

Glory be to God for dappled things —
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced — fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

Be honest: When was the last time you were grateful for the spots on a trout? More seriously, think of the small, useless things you experience — the smell of fall in the air, the fragment of a song that reminds you of when you were a kid. Give thanks.

This Thanksgiving, don’t express gratitude only when you feel it. Give thanks especially when you don’t feel it. Rebel against the emotional “authenticity” that holds you back from your bliss. As for me, I am taking my own advice and updating my gratitude list. It includes my family, faith, friends and work. But also the dappled complexion of my bread-packed bird. And it includes you, for reading this column.

Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/opinion/sunday/choose-to-be-grateful-it-will-make-you-happier.html