Good dads -- the real game changer | Dr. Meg Meeker | TEDxTraverseCity

Not directly related to divorce, but certainly an indirect endorsement of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids... in praise of Dads!

Get past the fear and take action

Some thoughts on how our fears whether founded or unfounded can hold us back from achieving our goals or taking actions to achieve our goals.


What fears are holding you back from your intention to thrive?

Confronting one of my fears and moving forward with action!

Taking some of my own advice from my last video message, I thought I'd better confront one of my own minor fears and get back on the bike after a winter off; fear of failure (thanks to the lost fitness) and fear of success (if it went well I'd have to do it more regularly!) were both at play! Fortunately all was well in the end!


Hope you're having a great weekend!

5 Ways Criticism and Rejection Builds Your Capacity to Succeed

No matter who you are, when you have a dream and are committed to achieving it you will face critics and experience many rejections. You will face people who have the outright desire to take you from your path. Many people, who may be in power, will use their position to push down ideas that are not in line with their own, or ideas they do not understand or value. Just as deterimental are the “caring concerned” who, in trying to protect you from your unrealistic dreams, keep you from them.

The greatest obstacle to success is your fear and belief in what a critic says. Instead of running or quitting, make the emotionally strong choice to move forward, in spite of perceived setbacks, understanding that sometimes it is only your opinion that matters. In that way, you will receive five powerful gifts from the people and situations that don't wish you well, at all.

1. Emotional strength.

The pursuit of success nearly guarantees the more you seek to fulfill your purpose, the more obstacles you will face. As you come across naysayers you must learn to not integrate their fears into your own belief system and decision making.

Pursuing a dream is emotional strength training. The more motivated you are to make a difference and change the world, the more you rise in your success. The more you want to create and lead, the more rejection and criticism will show up on your path in an effort to derail you.

This is an opportunity to develop the skills, strategies and resolve to continue forward. In this way, your naysayers become your greatest motivators. They fuel your desire to show them just how wrong they are about who you are and where you are going.

When in doubt, remind yourself that naysayers belittle others in an effort to stop feeling so little themselves.

2. Self-control.

Receiving criticism and rejection is common when your pursuit is doing important things in the world. Force yourself to become conscious of the rude, ill-informed and unkind people who emerge to tarnish your shine. With an awareness of them you gain more control over your emotional reactions to them.

Negative people lurk around every corner. The reality is that things aren’t going to be fair on your way to the top. Accept that. Because you will interact with a fair number of these people, you have the opportunity to develop unbeatable self-control.

Critics love to get under your skin and push you off balance. It gives them a sense of power. Therefore, use these people and experiences as exposure therapy until, eventually, rejection and criticism has little to no power over you. By weathering exposure to the negativity of others you develop control of your emotional reactions to their efforts to set you back.

2. Refocus.

Learn to say “next” to every “no.” Rejection it is not the end of the world, nor does your idea merit being discarding. Look for gifts in the feedback that comes with rejection. Accept what can be successfully applied to refine and make your idea better. Then, move on.
Each rejection leads you closer to that “yes” you are seeking. Each “no” feels like another step back but is really bringing you one step closer to realization of your dream.

Refocused energy is the most creative energy. You have the opportunity to refine, repurpose and perfect what is already in place. Rejection, if you allow it, can fuel your deep desire to succeed. To be successful you must compete, compete, compete.

3. Fearlessness.

Success is all about risk. Each time you put yourself and your idea out into the world you risk rejection and criticism, so do not be shocked or dismayed when it happens. Success is about getting knocked down, learning resilience, getting back up and risking again.
Each time you take a risk you become emotionally stronger. Each loss provides the information your pursuit needs to determine what new direction to take. Risk takes courage and courage can only be developed by doing courageous things. Giving up takes zero effort, getting up takes resilience.
Most of the happiness derived from success is not monetary but the confidence you build along the way as you risk, fall, try again, risk and then succeed.

4. Unwavering belief in your purpose.

When you believe deeply in what you are doing, what you are creating and what your ideas stand for, you develop the resilience to withstand all rejection and criticism. There is nothing more profoundly necessary for true success then a deep and unwavering belief in your purpose.

There will be all kinds of people who want to shrink your ideas or steal them. Others will want to use you for your idea or simply tell you your idea is worth nothing. Pay attention to who you listen to. Be smart about who you choose to pitch your ideas to. Pay attention to your gut instincts. Protect your ideas and only share them with those whom you respect. Do your research and work with like-minded innovators.

With deep belief you can remain hard working and quiet because your success will do the talking.

5. Unflinching in the face of challenges.

What kind of true success can really come without real effort, real labor, real heartache and real sweat? Success does not come to the weak. No journey is devoid of self-doubt or setbacks. Success is a matter of standing up to your challenge. It is a matter of commitment and not giving up. It is about getting up and suiting up, even when things look bleak. It is having the complete resolve to pursue your higher purpose.

There is nothing unrealistic about a dream that is in complete alignment with your purpose. If what you are doing ignites your passion, inspires you to plan and persevere, then you will, without a doubt, achieve what you have set out to achieve. Any person with a deep conviction and commitment to success will succeed. Therefore, the only opinion about your dream that really counts is yours. The negative commentary of others merely reflects their limitations, not yours.

Success is built upon your own determination, not managed by anyone else’s opinion. This is why success is never a straight shot to the top. None of us would be nearly as successful as we are without the gifts of the naysayers, the tough rejections or the harsh criticisms. It all depends upon what you choose do with it. To be a standout success you must learn to control your emotional reactions and turn all of the criticisms and rejections to serve as your greatest advantage. Most importantly, see the value in it all and be thankful all along the way.

Success, at the end of the day, is your greatest revenge. Be sure you are the last one standing.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247634

Why Suffering Is The Secret To Success

You will do just about anything to avoid suffering. That's just how you're wired.

Problems and pain and potential risks are scary.

And when you don't think you need to experience any more hurt, it's all too easy just to back down from the fight and let someone else absorb the suffering.

Its natural to avoid getting hurt.

You're already busy and pushed to the end of your limits by the day-to-day grind. Taking on any more is just overwhelming — but suffering is also the secret to being successful.

Gain usually comes through pain.

• You can't make more money without experiencing the emotional burden of sleepless nights.
• You can't be a better leader without learning from your mistakes and developing the humility to adapt when you get it wrong.
• You can't win at sports or politics or business without experiencing embarrassing setbacks that make you question how prepared you are to win.

You can't get to where you want to be without taking body blows.

So if you have to suffer, maybe it's time to think about hurting a little bit differently. Maybe it's time to embrace the results of pain.

Instead of thinking about suffering as if you're being treated unfairly, think about the lessons you're learning. Think about the experience and wisdom that you're gaining.

Embrace the better version of yourself that you're building.

You can't have any of that without experiencing the pain you feel right now.

Pain is your path to reaching your full potential.

Suffering isn't life treating you unfairly.

It's not bad karma or horrible luck.

No. Suffering is you being prepared for something bigger than you are doing right now.
You're being tested and refined.

Your response in your moments of suffering and pain define the measure of your greatness.

You can give up and make excuses. You can run and hide, cry, and blame others around you.

Or you can quietly reassure yourself that this moment is what enables you to achieve your goals.

This is what you've been waiting for your entire life.

This is your chance to be amazing.

So go be awesome.

Source: http://www.businessinsider.com/suffering-is-secret-to-success-2014-8?IR=T

6 Toxic Thoughts Smart People Quarantine

Your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can make or break you. When you make a mistake, they either magnify the negativity or help you turn that misstep into something productive.

Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of.

All self-talk is driven by important beliefs that you hold about yourself. It plays an understated but powerful role in success because it can both spur you forward to achieve your goals and hold you back.

“He who believes he can and he who believes he cannot are both correct.” -Henry Ford

TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and found that 90% of top performers are high in emotional intelligence. These successful, high EQ individuals possess an important skill⎯the ability to recognize and control negative self-talk so that it doesn’t prevent them from reaching their full potential.

These successful people earn an average of $28,000 more annually than their low EQ peers, get promoted more often, and receive higher marks on performance evaluations. The link between EQ and earnings is so direct that every point increase in EQ adds $1,300 to an annual salary.

When it comes to self-talk, we’ve discovered some common thoughts that hold people back more than any others. Be mindful of your tendencies to succumb to these thoughts, so that they don’t derail your career:

1. Perfection equals success. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure, and end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish, instead of enjoying what you were able to achieve.

2. My destiny is predetermined. Far too many people succumb to the highly irrational idea that they are destined to succeed or fail. Make no mistake about it, your destiny is in your own hands, and blaming multiple successes or failures on forces beyond your control is nothing more than a cop out. Sometimes life will deal you difficult cards to play, and others times you’ll be holding aces. Your willingness to give your all in playing any hand you’re holding determines your ultimate success or failure in life.

3. I “always” or “never” do that. There isn’t anything in life that you always or never do. You may do something a lot or not do something enough, but framing your behavior in terms of “always” or “never” is a form of self-pity. It makes you believe that you have no control of yourself and will never change. Don’t succumb to it.

4. I succeed when others approve of me. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain⎯you’re never as good or bad as they say you are. It’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, but you can take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what people think about you, your self-worth comes only from within.

5. My past equals my future. Repeated failures can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to believe you’ll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the time, these failures result from taking risks and trying to achieve something that isn’t easy. Just remember that success lies in your ability to rise in the face of failure. Anything worth achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you can’t allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed.

6. My emotions equal my reality. If you’ve read Emotional Intelligence 2.0, you know how to take an objective look at your feelings and separate fact from fiction. If not, you might want to read it. Otherwise, your emotions will continue to skew your sense of reality, making you vulnerable to the negative self-talk that can hold you back from achieving your full potential.

Bringing It All Together

I hope these lessons are as useful to you as they have been to me over the years. As I write them, I’m reminded of their power and my desire to use them every day.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-travis-bradberry/6-toxic-thoughts-smart-pe_b_13232276.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never EVER Believe!

The biggest lies you've heard about divorce recovery... debunked!

Maybe "lies" is a bit strong; maybe the words "myths" or "stories" work better. Regardless, there is a lot of pervasive misinformation (and bad advice) about divorce out there. So I'm here to help debunk it—because divorce is hard enough without accidently making it even harder.

I've seen so many people suffer needlessly when trying to recover from their divorce as a result of believing these untruths; if you're starting over again, don't let these lies influence you.

I also suffered from divorce recovery lies when I divorced. I believed the notion that all divorces are basically the same AND that I'd get over my divorce more quickly if I didn't think about it or allow myself to feel much anger about it.

I believed that if I started dating, it meant I must be over my divorce. I didn't understand that those were such false misconceptions. But I learned—the hard way. I don't want that to happen to you. There is no one way divorce "should" go. So here are the most false ideas about divorce out there. Don't let these "lies" limit you, your healing, or your truth:

1. All divorces are basically the same. Divorces are all different. Laws vary depending on where you live. Your marriage was not like anyone else's marriage because you and your ex-spouse are two unique individuals. Your divorce will be just as unique as you are.
There might be similarities between your divorce and someone else's that you can use to help with your divorce recovery, but it won't be the same.

2. It takes one year for every four years of marriage to get over your divorce. False.
From my experience as a divorce coach, everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to recover from their divorce. Some people who stayed married for years find it fairly easy to get through their divorce recovery, and others never do.

What I believe is that it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest in yourself and moving on with your life, as to how quickly you'll start to feel better again.

3. Everyone going through divorce has the same emotions in the same order. This is just so wrong. There are similarities to the emotions that people experience when dealing with divorce recovery, but everyone experiences them in a different order, in different intensities, and for different durations.

4. The pain of divorce decreases linearly over time. For most people, the pain of divorce is more cyclical than linear. At first the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly, but over time they tend to decrease in intensity and variety. Flare-ups occur at any time after they've decreased.

5. Once you think you're over your divorce, it never comes up again.As I mentioned in the discussion about the previous lie, the painful emotions of divorce can flare up after you think the worst is over. The times when people might see a flare up are at the holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, but not everyone does.

6. Your family members will always help you as you go through divorce. As much as I wish this wasn't a lie, it is. It's not so much a lie because you can't count on your family, but because most families don't know how to help you get through divorce ... unless you're getting through it exactly as they expect you to.

So, although most people can count on their families for help, they won't always provide the exact help you need and want, when you need and want it.

7. It's not OK to feel sorry for yourself. Now, I'm not advocating becoming a puddle of self-pity, but it's OK to feel bad for yourself when you're going through a divorce. The hopes, dreams, and expectations you had when you got married won't come true.

Most people experience grief when that happens. It's OK for you to feel some sadness for yourself; however, if that's the only thing you're feeling, you might want to reach out to someone and get more support to heal.

8. You'll get over your divorce quicker if you just avoid thinking about it. Stuffing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce is not the best answer. When I did this, I wound up with health problems, including anorexia and anxiety attacks. So, at least in my case, trying to ignore what was going on actually made things worse.

9. You should feel really angry at your ex. Most people feel anger at their ex at some point during their divorce, but it's not a requirement. There are examples of people who get divorced and actually gain the ability to communicate with each other.
I have some neighbors who are recently divorced; they went through a period of intense anger, but now communicate better than in the marriage.

10. Everyone gets depressed when they go through divorce. Most people experience sadness (sometimes intense sadness) when they get divorced, but sadness is not synonymous with depression.

11. If you haven't been married for very long, you should get over it quicker than someone who remained married for many years. There really are no rules about how long it takes you to get over divorce. I know of one woman whose husband asked for a divorce after nine months of marriage. Devastated, it took her about a year to get over the grief.

I know of another woman married for about a year and got divorced, but she was over it within a couple of months. I also know of people married for 10+ years who were over their divorce before the decree finalized.

12. There's a reason there's no divorce ritual/celebration or marriage funeral—they aren't needed. Despite the fact that for every two marriages in the US this year there will be approximately one divorce, divorce is still looked at as a process that isn't something to celebrate or recognize. Maybe we consider it too personal.

For many people, having public recognition of the fact that the marriage is over is extremely helpful in putting an end to the marriage and a beginning to a newly single life.

13. The intensity and length of your anger, depression, and loneliness are directly proportional to how invested you were in your marriage.Bull. The intensity and length of your emotions is directly proportional to your ability to accept and work through them.

14. There is something wrong with you if you feel like part of you died when your marriage ended. It's pretty common to feel like part of you died when your marriage ends. The part of you that was the spouse in your marriage is no more, and it's OK to grieve the loss of that role.

15. Every divorce attorney only has their client's best interests at heart.How I wish this wasn't a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Just like in any profession, there are good ones and not so good ones. Having an attorney who truly does have your best interests at heart can make your divorce recovery that much easier, as you're not as stressed about the legalities of your divorce.

16. You attorney is also going to help you recover from your divorce.As caring and supportive as your attorney might be, they probably aren't the best-equipped to help you recover from your divorce. However, they probably have a great referral or two for you to get the help you deserve.

17. Everyone takes anti-depressants when they get divorced. This is like when we were teenagers and told our parents that everyone else was doing it, so we needed to do it, too. It's just not true that everyone needs anti-depressants when they get divorced.
In my opinion, we've normalized depression and are ready to take a pill for a "quick fix," instead of really exploring what's going on.

18. Your ex is the reason your marriage failed. Even if your ex behaved in a way that necessitated your divorce, you still played some small role in the failure of the marriage. Even if that role was only agreeing to the marriage, the faster you come to terms with your part in the end of the marriage, the faster you'll be able to recover from your divorce.

19. You should feel really sad when you get divorced. You might feel sad, you might feel relieved, you might feel angry, OR you might feel some other emotion. There's no rule that says the only emotion you should feel during divorce is sadness.

20. You don't need any time to adjust to your newly single life; you should continue doing everything you were doing before just fine. The truth is that for most people, getting divorced is stressful. Any added stress makes doing what you've always done much more difficult. So please, be gentle with yourself when you're going through divorce and allow extra time to take care of YOU.

21. You should start dating right away. Not everyone feels ready to date when they get divorced. There's no reason that you must start dating right away. Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to date.

22. The sooner you get into another relationship, the faster you'll get over your divorce. This works for a few people, but most people need to have a little bit of time to get to know themselves again before jumping into a new relationship.

23. Getting divorced means you are a failure. Getting divorced only means that your marriage didn't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you as a person.

24. Your friends will always support you. This is another one I wish wasn't on this list of lies. Your friends will support you to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, for some, they might not have any ability to support you. The thing to remember is that they're behaving in ways that make the most sense to them, not necessarily in ways that make the most sense to you.

Be honest, how many of lies on this list do you believe? If you're like most people I work with, you probably believe most of them. Heck, I believed most of them when I got divorced.
So, here's your functional divorce assignment:

Which of the lies were you surprised to see on the list? Most of us don't realize that what we, and those around us, believe about divorce isn't true.

What beliefs do you have about divorce that you now wonder are lies?It's common for lists like the one above to trigger other thoughts about what other lies it should include. Here's your chance to explore some of your beliefs about divorce and decide if you still want to believe them or not.

How has reading this article changed your thoughts about your divorce recovery? When I share these fallacies about divorce with my clients, their first response is denial that they believe any of the lies. Then, when we dig a bit deeper, they recognize they might have bought into one or two of them. Once they make that discovery, we're able to directly address some of the obstacles they've had, and they're able to get through the remainder of their divorce recovery much quicker.

Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-karen-finn/lies-about-divorce-recovery

6 Divorce success stories

So you married your best friend now you're getting divorced -- now what? As devastating as the idea of divorce sounds, it's not necessarily going to pan out negatively. In fact, we found lots of divorce success stories out there. We don't know what the ratio is with divorce success stories versus non-successes. But it's safe to say, there is light at the end of the tunnel, according to these divorcees...

1. Better as Colleagues
"I am a very successful divorcee. I married the love of my life, and after 12 years of a great partnership, we changed and realized we loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. Since we divorced, we have worked together professionally and love it! My 'was-band' found an amazing woman and we are both happier, healthier and love that we are still in each other's lives. You know the old saying, 'When you love someone, set them free?' Well, in our case, we came back to each other professionally and have a very deep love for each other. Friends called our divorce the 'divorce of the decade.'"
- Lorrie

2. Change is Good
"I got married at 20 and was completely insecure. I thought I needed a man to complete me, but I was comatose, walking through marriage without feeling alive. I was terrified my life was over but more terrified that if I left, no other man would want me. My husband wasn't bad to me -- I just got married too young and didn't even know what love was. My turning point was when some of my students dared me to rap. It led me to try, and stimulated me to see there was life beyond an unsatisfying job. My husband hated me being out so much. I was no longer the constant wife-y type, coming home from school to cook and clean and plan social dates with friends. Eventually, I decided that I needed to live instead of passing time. When I finally left I danced out and didn't take a dime in alimony. My freedom was worth everything and all I needed. I'm still good friends with my ex. It was very amicable. He was a good person, but couldn't handle me changing."
- Dalle

3. Lemons Into (Mentoring) Lemonade
"I was very inspired by my divorce. I have turned my lemons into lemonade. I am the founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, a 24/7 resource center that supports single-again women. When I divorced 14 years ago, I was searching for tools to help move my life forward, and to be the best role model for my children. That's when I became certified in the coaching field. I'm also a certified behavior consultant. I have been working with family law attorneys for years and have developed a program called "Single Again! Now What?", a 12-week program mentoring other divorcees. My joy is when I see a mom believe in herself again."
- Joanie

4. From Lies to New Love
"My first husband and I were married in a beautiful Catholic ceremony. About a year later, I came home from a meeting and my husband was at the kitchen table working on his laptop. He was in good spirits and indicated he was planning to go out to watch football with a group of friends from work. I thought nothing of it... At 2 a.m. the phone rang. It was my husband, telling me he had been arrested... He was charged with four felonies, including importuning and soliciting a minor for sex! He convinced me it was a misunderstanding. I endured the humiliation of his arrest being on television and the radio. I came to understand that our entire marriage had been a charade. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. I eventually told him I wanted a divorce. I later learned that he had been cheating on me the entire time. I was so depressed... Finally, I woke up one day and discovered that I actually had it pretty good. I picked myself up and put away the wine glasses. I went to Europe for the first time. I bought my own house -- painted and decorated it myself. I decided to start dating again. I met a man on Match.com -- he proposed 16 months later. We have one son and another child on the way. I am truly convinced that everything happens for a reason."
- Maureen

5. Stronger than Ever
"I have been divorced for exactly a year now. I am finally in a great place! I haven't been this happy nor healthy (mentally and physically) in years. I was married for 20 years and began to grow in ways that my ex just couldn't understand. I went through a very difficult divorce -- my ex was very controlling and mentally abusive. I was scared to death to leave, but I began to get stronger. I have turned my story into a business called AndeLifeCoach.com, where I coach other people to find their 'authentic' true selves. I have never looked or felt better."
- Andrea

6. Friends for the Kids
"My ex-husband and I have an excellent working relationship. We share custody -- one week on, one week off -- and have agreed that we will always give each other the opportunity to have more time with the kids if we need childcare. We both agreed that it wasn't about us. It was about the kids, first and foremost. We are told by many divorced friends that we are fortunate to be good friends now, and should be the example of what divorced parents should be."
- Natalie

Source: https://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813855/6-divorce-success-stories-1

The Benefits of Looking on the Bright Side: 10 Reasons to Think Like an Optimist

Having a cheery disposition can influence more than just your mood. "People who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people," says Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. Research shows that people tend to be optimistic by nature, but what if you're naturally more of an Eeyore? Strengthen your sense of hope: The trick is to act like an optimistic person, even if you aren't feeling particularly hopeful. "If you think that the future can be positive, you're more willing to put in time and energy to make that come about," says Segerstrom. By being engaged and persistent, even if you don't feel particularly positive, the benefits of optimism—like satisfaction and health—will soon follow. In fact, seeing the proverbial glass as half full can pay off in a number of unexpected ways, from improving your work experience to enhancing your relationships and protecting your mind and body. Here are 10 reasons strengthening your optimism is a good idea:

Optimists Feel Healthier
If you think that the world is inherently good, and that life will work out in your favor, you're more likely to rate your own health and sense of well-being as better. Best of all, it doesn't matter where you live or what language you speak: These statistics came from a study of more than 150,000 people living in 142 countries. But optimism doesn't just make you feel healthier—it can actually make you healthier, as these next few studies show.

Optimists Are Healthier
A recent Harvard School of Public Health study found that positive psychological well-being, which includes self-acceptance and positive relations with others, is linked to improved heart health. However, having an optimistic attitude was the biggest predictor of all: People who tend to look on the bright side have fewer heart problems, such as cardiovascular disease. They also have better cholesterol readings: In a separate survey of nearly 1,000 middle aged men and women, those who reported higher levels of optimism had lower levels of triglycerides, or less fat in the blood.

Optimists are More Likely to be Centenarians
If you expect that you'll live into old age, you increase your chances of actually doing so. An analysis of the health and hope of nearly 100,000 women by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that over an eight-year-period, optimists were less likely to die from all causes than cynics.

Optimists Take Fewer Sick Days
Can hope help you stay cold- and illness-free? The results are promising. In one recent study Segerstrom and her colleagues studied the relationship between optimism and immune response in first-year law students throughout the school year. When a student was more optimistic they fought off infection more effectively than during the times when they were less hopeful.

Optimists Are Less Prone to Freakouts
By nature, optimists don't sweat the small stuff. Those were the findings in a study at Quebec's Concordia University. Not only did optimists produce less cortisol—the stress hormone--during times of stress, they also didn't experience as much perceived stress during stressful times.

Optimists Are the Best Dates
Romantic relationships benefit from a sunny disposition: Optimists and their partners tend to be happier than pessimistic pairings. This theory was put to the test at the University of Oregon, where researchers found that this increased happiness held true regardless if both or just one partner were identified as optimists.

Optimists Have Happier 9 to 5s
People who see a glass that's half full tend to rate their jobs as more satisfying than those who don't. A study from Kuwait University found that people who were the most optimistic were also happiest in their jobs and had the fewest work complaints; the opposite was true for pessimists.

Optimists Get More Job Offers and Promotions
A positive outlook is just as important as a polished resume when it comes to job-hunting. A study from Duke University followed a group of MBA graduates as they entered the workforce: Those who believed good things would happen to them had an easier time finding jobs than those who had a less hopeful outlook.The same Duke University study found that optimists in the workforce often have a reason to be happy on the job: They tend to earn higher starting salaries than pessimists and they also are promoted more frequently.

Optimists Are Better at Bouncing Back
When life delivers lemons, optimists are more likely to make lemonade. Those were the findings in a survey of college freshman in Australia: The students who were more optimistic about their transition to university life experienced less stress, anxiety, and uncertainty and had a more successful first year overall.

Optimists Make Better Athletes
Optimists don't necessarily have more muscle mass or greater athletic ability than pessimists. But what they do have is hope. In a study co-authored by Martin Seligman, PhD, director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, a group of swimmers was instructed to swim their hardest then were told a false time—one that added several seconds. The optimists used this negative feedback to fuel an even faster time on their next swim; the pessimists performed more poorly than before.

Source: https://www.happify.com/hd/10-reasons-to-think-like-an-optimist/

How To Help Your Children Live Happily In Two Homes

The presumption in divorce in recent years is shared parenting. While a close to 50/50 split has been shown to be beneficial to children’s well-being, some children experience stress transitioning from home to home — especially if they witness conflict between their parents. It’s important for your kids to see you getting along with your ex without letting your emotions get in the way.

Recently, I read an excellent article on Huffington Post Divorce by Jackie Pilossoph entitled “Divorce Advice: Don’t Be Hurt When Your Kids Choose Dad” which caused me to reflect on my own experience co-parenting for almost a decade.

After my divorce, my two children (now grown) spend close to equal time with both myself and their father. During a nine year period, they experienced many transitions including a new stepfather, stepmother, and the birth of their sister, who is now fifteen. My experience with shared parenting was positive because I observed my children maintain a close bond with both me and my ex and grow into successful adults. My research shows that adults raised in divorced families report higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues if they had close to equal time with both parents. 

The following are suggestions based on my own experience, research, and advice from experts. First of all, it’s paramount that you gear your parenting plan to the age of your children and that you are consistent with it. At the end of this article I offer guidelines for parents with both younger and older children. Try your best to develop routines for them leaving and coming home when they are young.

When they get older, you may not need these routines to be set in stone. Opening up lines of communication with your children about their parenting plan is beneficial because they’ll know what is expected of them and it can ensure smooth transitions.

It’s important to consider that your children may not have the wisdom, insight, and clarity to make decisions about spending time with both of their parents on their own and can benefit from your guidance. Researcher Robert E. Emery writes, “According to leading experts in developmental and clinical psychology, there really are only two critical aspects of parent-child relationships: love and parental authority.” Your role as a parent is to help your children adjust to divorce and setting boundaries, routines, and limits is an important aspect of parenting.

Let’s face it, communication with your ex is key to successful co-parenting. It’s a good idea to sit down with your ex and come up with a few strategies to encourage your children to cooperate with their “parenting time” schedule. For instance, you may decide to make different arrangements for drop off and pick up. Most importantly, it’s key that your children see that you and your former spouse are working together for their well-being.

Next, you may need to examine the “parenting time” schedule to make sure that it’s working for your children. For example, the younger child will adjust better if they are not transitioning between houses too frequently and adolescents usually want more control over their schedule due to school, activities, and time with friends. They may develop resentment toward you if they can’t make some decisions about their schedule.

Many children of divorce I’ve interviewed describe the pressure of loyalty conflicts. Lauren, a lively thirteen year old speaks candidly about her struggle to cope with divided loyalties since age nine. She recalls: “It was really hard to interact with both of my parents after their divorce. When they were saying nasty things about each other, I just never wanted to take sides.”

Loyalty conflicts can make some kids feel as if they don’t want to spend time with both parents. Lauren continues, “I felt like I had to keep my mom’s new boyfriend a secret because my dad didn’t have a girlfriend for awhile. When my dad asked me if my mom had a boyfriend I didn’t know how to deal with it so I said I wasn’t sure.” Lauren’s story reminds us that children should never be used as a messenger between their parents post-divorce. Let them enjoy their childhood and think about how you want them to remember you when they grow up.

Even though children don’t cause their parents’ divorce, they often feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. In some cases, they might side with one parent against the other parent, which can cause alienation or even estrangement. It’s important for your kids to see you getting along with your ex without letting your emotions get in the way. In What About the Kids? Judith Wallerstein cautions us that a serious problem exists when a child and a parent of either sex joins forces in an outright alignment against the other parent. Do your best to have a cordial, business-like relationship with your ex so that your children won’t feel intense divided loyalties.

Here are ways to help your child to be successful at living in two homes:

For the child under age 10:

• Reassure your children that they have two parents who love them. If they balk at going to their other parent’s home, you can say something like “Even though mom and dad aren’t married anymore we both still love you and are good parents.”
• Remind kids a few days ahead when they will be spending time with their other parent. This helps them anticipate the change and gives them an opportunity to adapt. Planning ahead and helping them pack important possessions can benefit them. However, keep items to a bare minimum. Most parents prefer to have duplicate items for their kids on hand.
• Do your best to encourage your younger child to adhere to their parenting time schedule — being consistent with their schedule will help your kids feel secure.
• Attempt to show enthusiasm about their visit with their other parent. It’s important to put your differences with your ex aside and to promote your children’s positive bond with them.

For children over age 10:

• Allow for flexibility in their schedule. At times, teens may have difficulty juggling their busy life with school, extracurricular activities, friends, and jobs if they start working.
• Avoid giving them the impression that being with their friends is not as important as spending time with you.
• Plan activities with them that might include their friends at times — such as sporting events or movies.
• Respect your teens need for autonomy and relatedness. Dr. Emery writes, “Teenagers naturally want more freedom, but they also want and need relationships with their parents, through your adolescent may be unwilling to admit this.”

Finally, recognize that your ex is your children’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone. Modeling cooperation and polite behavior sets a positive tone for co-parenting. When children are confident of the love of both of their parents, they will adjust more easily to divorce. Keeping your differences with your ex away from your children will open up opportunities to move beyond divorce in the years to come.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-to-help-your-children-live-happily-in-two-homes_b_8596630.html

10 Reasons Marriage Is Better The Second Time Around

Divorce can be so emotionally taxing, it's enough to make you want to swear off marriage for the rest of your life.

But don't go pledging yourself to a life of eternal singlehood just yet. We asked 10 remarried folks for their best pitch for remarriage. The points they brought up will give even the most marriage-averse divorcés second thoughts.


1. You're not looking for someone to complete you.

"Gosh, what isn't better about marriage the second time?! I'm older, wiser, more confident and no longer need someone to 'complete me.' The first time I thought, 'If we were meant to be together, it wouldn't be so hard.' Now I know that it takes work, sacrifice, perseverance and a major sense of humor. My husband is my friend, a great dad and stepdad and 'the the best husband I ever had' as I jokingly like to remind him.

Be yourself while looking for love again. So many women change themselves into the woman they think a guy wants them to be. Be you and you'll find the right person." -Lisa Miller, divorced after five years, remarried for 15 years.

2. You know damn well that you can't change your spouse.

"My second marriage is infinitely better because I am not looking to change my spouse (and there are no illusions that he could change me). It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where I know who I am, he knows who he is, we accept and love each other for who we are –- faults and all.

My advice is simply to be open. Opening yourself up to dating, relationships, love and marriage again can be scary, but don’t let someone amazing pass you by out of fear." -Kim Graham-Pfeffer, divorced after six years, remarried for two years.

3. Authenticity and honesty come a little more naturally.

"When my first marriage became irreversibly damaged, it broke something inside of each of us. It inspired months, (years, really) of self-reflection and soul searching. It made me hold up a mirror to my actions and the way I process and react to situations. It made me better. If I hadn't had the disastrous first marriage, there's no way I'd be as patient, sympathetic, motivated or as level-headed as I am now in my second marriage. It's my most deep and honest relationship. That transparency has encouraged my current husband be honest about his needs as well.

If you're hesitant to remarry, I get it. You feel foolish and embarrassed because you already took a huge leap of faith and it fell through. But take a lot of time to recuperate. Heal. Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration." -Amanda Sweeting,divorced after two years, remarried for less than a year.

4. Marriage #1 has changed you for the better.


"My wife and I are both the people we want to be this time around. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside.

If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's. Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance." -Rob Walker, divorced after 14 years, remarried for five years.

5. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all.

"My husband and I have both been married before. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things. But we also know what works and what makes it better. We have grown. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be.

Don’t lace your new promises with old regrets. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. But there’s so much to gain, too." -Nicole Jankowski, divorced after 12 years, remarried for two years.

6. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom.

"In the aftermath of my divorce, I had the opportunity to look very carefully at the man I chose the first time and how I had changed since I had met him ten years prior. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again. I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson.

Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: 'I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful. I will not be bitter. And I will love again.' I wrote a careful description of the man I wanted in my life and a few months later, I met Will. He's everything I wanted and once I figured out what it was, exactly, that I wanted, he came along." -Kristin Shaw, divorced after four years, remarried for 8 years.

7. You realize that marriage is a choice you have to make every single day.

"A second marriage is an eyes-wide-open experience; you know what kinds of work are involved and say 'yes' anyway. Plus, you endured a worst-case scenario and not just survived, but thrived! A second marriage means you’ve let go of the ’perfect spouse’ ideal, embraced your imperfections and found the unique ‘must haves’ you need in a life partner.

Remember that marriage is a choice, and if you decide to give it another go, be all in. When I put my wedding rings on each morning I consciously choose my spouse. I commit to our relationship. I acknowledge that being married means I forgive past and future transgressions, and I opt to trust. My thrice-divorced mother offers this sage advice too: 'You don’t have to marry everyone you love.'" -Penney Berryman, divorced after six years, remarried for five months after a five-year courtship.

8. You know what you want.

"You know what you're looking for and what you can live without because of your first marriage. When I I met my second wife I was so much more confident about myself and my needs.

Divorce teaches you that you can be content by yourself and that it's not worth going forward with something if you're hesitant. I never thought I would marry again or have any more kids, but I met my current wife and fell madly in love with her. There is nothing I am hesitant about anymore, except being away from her for too long!"-Matt Robertson, divorced after 10 years, remarried for just over a year.

9. You've taken ownership of what you did wrong the first time around.

"Nobody goes into their first marriages thinking they’re going to get divorced. But it happens. So if you are brave enough to try again, marriage is only better the second time around if you learn from your earlier mistakes. Both partners are older and, hopefully, wiser. And both know what they need from each other and what to do to make the relationship work.

After I got divorced, I still believed in love and in the institution of marriage. I just wasn’t in any hurry to experience it again. I dated a bit before I started dating my husband. We were together for three years before we got married. And even with taking that time, it was a little bumpy for the first couple of years. Not between us but with the process of blending our families. But really, it’s a goodthing to be a little hesitant and to not rush in to getting remarried, especially if there are kids involved." -Jennifer Cullen, divorced after seven years, remarried for eight years.

10. You're incredibly picky -- and that's a good thing.

"I entered into my 30s divorced, with a young son and determined to do better. I dated some men but no one felt right and I wouldn't just let anyone into my son's life. Eventually, two years after my divorce, I met the man I would marry. I often say that had he not come along, I'd still be single today. I look at the men I know, married and unmarried, and not one appeals to me as a spouse. I was lucky to find my very best match. My biggest complaints is that he doesn't wipe counters, he's a packrat and he's often late. But guess what? He's also wonderful father to my son and our child together. He's considerate, kind and puts my happiness above his own.

Learn how to be live without a partner and figure what you need from your next-time partner in that time. Marriage is better the second time around. I'd like to take credit for having impeccable standards and being picky, but I was lucky my current husband walked into my life. I've been happy most of the days since he showed up." -Chris Doell, divorced after nine years, remarried for 10 years.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/second-marriages-are-better-_n_6865506

4 Essentials to Finding Lasting Love After Divorce

Divorce can leave you feeling like love is impossible. Quentin Hafner opens the door to finding love again—and making it last.

I recently gave a talk to a group of awesome people at Mariner’s Church who were either recently divorced or in the middle of a divorce. I was asked to talk to the group about what’s involved in finding love again after a divorce and how people can successfully navigate the sometimes turbulent waters of new relationships post divorce. In my experience as a therapist working with lots of people who have gone through a divorce, I’ve found there are “4 Essentials” that are necessary to finding lasting love post divorce, and if we work to ensure we have these “4 Essentials” integrated in our lives moving forward, our chances of getting everything we want in our next relationship is within our reach!

1. Developing Awareness:

The first essential in ensuring lasting love post-divorce is our ability to develop insight and awareness regarding some things about ourselves and our relational qualities (or lack thereof). This can be difficult for people to take a look at. To the degree that we can take an honest and objective appraisal of personalities, character, and relational qualities, will dictate our ability to be relationally successful in the future. We need to have a clear understanding of:

• What was our contribution to the relationship ending?
• What are the growing edges of our personalities?
• What did we learn about marriage from our parents that we need to unlearn?

Many people, naturally, move through divorce in emotional pain and a need to see their ex as the “bad guy”. However, in nearly all divorces, with exceptions around abusive issues, we can attribute contributing factors to both parties for the ended relationship. This can be very difficult and requires objectivity, humility, and a deep desire to grow. Why is developing awareness important?

Research confirms that our chances to remain married significantly decrease with our second and third marriages. In fact, by your third marriage, you have nearly an 85% chance of divorce. This daunting statistic is the proof that most people do not diligently seek to develop awareness as described above. Instead, many people falsely believe that if they find “the right person”, their relational outcomes will be different. Research says otherwise. Increased awareness allows us to make better conscious decisions going forward and to avoid unconscious decisions from our history.

2. Developing Self & Other Compassion:

Generally speaking, people typically end marriages in two dominant emotional states: guilt ridden or resentful. Generally, the person who initiates the divorce (The Rejecter) tends to carry with them a heavy burden of guilty for “giving up”, or “walking away.” This person’s journey toward growth is to shed this guilt, which is often implicitly casted upon us from cultural shame regarding divorce. The Guilty Rejecter, may be more inclined to have loose boundaries in future relationships or “tolerate” more than they feel is right for them because of their sense of guilt. The Guilty Rejecters need to be on the lookout for how their guilt may be influencing their future relationship.

Then there are The Rejectee’s. These are the one’s who got “left” in the marriage, and these people tend to carry with them an unhealthy level of hurt and distrust into their future relationships. Because many Resentful Rejectee’s were caught off guard and felt abandoned when the relationship ended, they have a hard time trusting in future relationships. The Resentful Rejectee’s are defensive about relationships and many adopt a posture of “I don’t need anyone.”Developing compassion for ourselves is acknowledging, but not judging or condemning, which of these two emotional states most likely represents our current situation and working toward making small changes in the other direction.

Which one are you?

In our culture, divorce is still a dirty work with lots of negative stigma associated with it. Developing self-compassion is coming to the realization that staying married isn’t always better than divorce, despite our culture’s tendency to see divorce versus staying married in such dualistic, win versus lose scenarios. In fact, in some ways, going through a divorce is a healthier decision than staying in a degrading, life-sucking marriage only to appease cultural norms and placate our ideas of what we think we’re “supposed to do.” As a couples therapist, I believe having a happy and successful marriage is difficult to achieve, but it’s doable. About 10% of the general population have one. Don’t beat yourself up for your divorce. Many, many, people who are married are not any happier than you who are newly single. Trust me.

3. Developing a Clear Road Map of Desire:

Often times, people are so emotionally numb, or emotionally distraught from their marriage ending that they have a hard time seeing a “vision” for the relationship they desire in the future. And many people simply have no clear and intentional ideas of what they’re looking for. To achieve the relationship of your dreams, we have to first know what it is exactly we’re looking for.

Ask yourself and spend lots of time reflecting on detailed questions such as:

• What do I want in a potential mate, what do I not want?
• What are my most deepest needs?
• What things are absolutely essential?
• What positive feelings am I looking for? And which negative feelings am I trying to avoid?
• What kinds of things do I like in a partner, and things I don’t like?
• What are my essential must haves? And what are my essential “bottom lines” to avoid?

Getting a clear direction of what you’re looking for and what you’re trying to avoid will help you to develop a more clear and conscious picture in your mind of what it is you need in a relationship. It will also help you avoid an unhealthy rebound relationship. About the rebound—I’m a bit of a contrarian when it comes to the rebound relationship and for many reasons, I think it can actually be a very valuable process, as long as we know what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. Sometimes a rebound relationship is developmentally appropriate following a divorce because:

• It can provide a sense of freedom to those who have been stifled in past relationships.
• It can help people gain a sense of hope in new possibilities.
• It can help you explore what you’re looking for in a new mate.
• It can make the transition between marriage and single life more tolerable.

If you find yourself in a rebound relationship, don’t judge it, just understand it for what it is and what it’s providing you. Rebounds are very normal. However, be wary if you find yourself in a rebound relationship and you’re feeling:

• You’re ready to commit and settle down right away.
• Your new relationship is “everything” your ex wasn’t.
• Caution: There are large amounts of oxytocin running through your brain and you’re not thinking clearly.
• You have found “The One.”

Remember, rebound relationships are not necessarily bad. Just try to understand this relationship for what it is, and what it’s providing you without judgment or condemnation and be cautious to move too fast with your new relationship.

4. Developing Increased “Relational Intelligence”:

Being single after a recent divorce can be a wonderful opportunity to learn, or relearn all of the tools and skills necessary for a successful relationship. Many couples divorce not having these skills, and naturally move into future relationships with this skill deficit. Without these basic skills, we will simply have no chance at having a successful marriage. And if you think you have these skills mastered, you can always ask your ex what he or she thinks of your skills set in this department. Areas we need to grow in are:

• Learning how to be effective communicators.
• Stating your feelings and thoughts clearly (and owning them)
• Reflective listening skills
• Developing empathy skills
• Learning how to manage conflict in a healthy way.
• Understanding your underlying feelings
• Know and implement basic fair fighting practices
• Learning how to set healthy limits and boundaries (for yourself and others)
• Learning how to express your needs to your partner

For some, going through a divorce will turn out to be the biggest blessing as you find and settle into a relationship that you’ve always dreamed of. Having this new relationship is not beyond reach, but it takes intentionality and a conscious decision to grow relationally, psychologically, and interpersonally. If you’re committed to growing and you find a mate with the same value to grow personally, you’ll have the makings of something special!

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/four-essentials-lasting-love-after-divorce-fiff/

The Secret To A Successful And Happy Divorce

Divorce is such an ugly word in the English language.

It has so many negative connotations.

And we’re constantly reminded of our marital status no matter where we go.

Go to the doctor and they’ll ask you the marital status.

Online, they’ll ask you your marital status. Single, married, widowed or divorced. Well, to me it’s either single or married. It’s nobody’s concern or business whether you’re widowed or divorced or separated.

All it does is reveal how you’re going to be judged.

Judged by people you speak with and literally judged by yourself.

I’ve been coaching people for almost 20 years now, and when a divorced person comes to me, they’ll always tell me how their marriage failed.

Well, their marriage did not fail. It wasn’t a failure. They actually tried to work and have a marriage, and that is not a failure. That’s an amazing, beautiful lesson that they had and shared with another person.

You had to bring that person into your life to learn more about yourself to understand the lessons that you needed to learn to make the changes that you needed to make in yourself to grow as a person. So, it’s just another step in the evolution of you as a human being living through the experiences of your life.

And that’s the first step in a successful divorce -

Recognize the beautiful lessons that were learned.

Embrace those lessons. Only after those lessons are fully embraced will you actually have a healthier relationship. The people who decide not to embrace the lessons continue to talk negatively about their divorce.

They go on to the next relationship that will repeat the same lessons again until they finally figure out that you need to really look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that you may or may not have caused in that relationship.

Now, for people who share children with somebody: children are not possessions.

They’re not negotiating tools or chips so you can get more child support or money out of an ex.

Children are beautiful souls who came into this world because two people brought them into it.

I have single mothers tell me, “I carried her or I carried him. Their father doesn’t deserve them.””I brought them into this world.”

And that’s a very narcissistic approach to parenting.

It’s all about them and not about the children that they brought into this world. Because it takes a mother and a father to equally raise the beautiful loving boys and girls into amazing men and women.

Depriving your child time with the opposite sex parent is basically sending your child down a rocky road to therapy and screwed up relationships.

When a child cannot have access or a substantial amount of time with their father and/or mother due to another parents’ control issues over the kids, it is basically just setting them up for future relationship issues when they get older.

When a child gets old enough, they will rebel and see the truth, and see how they were blocked karmically and energetically from spending time with their parents.

I’m seeing it with a lot of clients right now. Their mothers have controlled their kids. And now their teenage daughters are lashing out, literally having sex in the bathroom of school, and doing other things that are detrimental to the development of the child once they get into adulthood.

When a child can’t have a relationship with both parents, whether it’s a boy or girl, it’s going to lead to issues with their relationships in the future.

How do I know that? It happened to me.

It’s happened to the majority of clients I have counseled over the last 20 years.

But there’s a percentage of mothers and fathers out there who block their kids from spending equal time with the other parent. They do it based out of their own fears and insecurities.

They truly believe that they should not give up their child at all.

They believe that the other parent can’t do as good a job as them, but really what it comes down to is they’ve got major issues, separation anxiety and things they have not resolved in their childhood. So, they’re holding on to the one thing that they can control: their child.

Basically, not allowing the child to really have all the beautiful things that they truly need in their life.

These parents will always put themselves first.

And always claim they’re the best parents in the world because they don’t really want to look in the mirror.

The beauty of divorce is that it took two people to bring a kid into this world.

It took two people to create this magical being.

And it takes two people respect it, to bring this child up. So, for those of you who are controlling a child, blocking another parent from spending time with a child, maybe you should look really deep into your own issues and how this playing out in your life with your children and your ex.

Because you’re setting your kids up for future relationship failures, and I’ve seen it thousands of times.

You’re setting yourself up for a kid that’s going to rebel because eventually, all the control and all the dominating things you’re doing now is not going to work anymore when the kid gets older.

And they’re going to see the other parent because all they’ve done is just be about love and wanting to be with them with no control.They’re going to run right into the arms of that one.

I’ve seen it with many of my clients. So the key to a successful, happy divorce is what? It’s a means of working together, not control.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-secret-to-a-successful-and-happy-divorce_us_593316bee4b0649fff2119b3

The Science of Positive Thinking: How Positive Thoughts Build Your Skills, Boost Your Health, and Improve Your Work

Positive thinking sounds useful on the surface. (Most of us would prefer to be positive rather than negative.) But “positive thinking” is also a soft and fluffy term that is easy to dismiss. In the real world, it rarely carries the same weight as words like “work ethic” or “persistence.”
But those views may be changing.

Research is beginning to reveal that positive thinking is about much more than just being happy or displaying an upbeat attitude. Positive thoughts can actually create real value in your life and help you build skills that last much longer than a smile.

The impact of positive thinking on your work, your health, and your life is being studied by people who are much smarter than me. One of these people is Barbara Fredrickson.
Fredrickson is a positive psychology researcher at the University of North Carolina, and she published a landmark paper that provides surprising insights about positive thinking and its impact on your skills. Her work is among the most referenced and cited in her field, and it is surprisingly useful in everyday life.

Let’s talk about Fredrickson’s discovery and what it means for you...

What Negative Thoughts Do to Your Brain

Play along with me for a moment.

Let’s say that you’re walking through the forest and suddenly a tiger steps onto the path ahead of you. When this happens, your brain registers a negative emotion — in this case, fear.

Researchers have long known that negative emotions program your brain to do a specific action. When that tiger crosses your path, for example, you run. The rest of the world doesn’t matter. You are focused entirely on the tiger, the fear it creates, and how you can get away from it.

In other words, negative emotions narrow your mind and focus your thoughts. At that same moment, you might have the option to climb a tree, pick up a leaf, or grab a stick — but your brain ignores all of those options because they seem irrelevant when a tiger is standing in front of you.

This is a useful instinct if you’re trying to save life and limb, but in our modern society we don’t have to worry about stumbling across tigers in the wilderness. The problem is that your brain is still programmed to respond to negative emotions in the same way — by shutting off the outside world and limiting the options you see around you.

For example, when you’re in a fight with someone, your anger and emotion might consume you to the point where you can’t think about anything else. Or, when you are stressed out about everything you have to get done today, you may find it hard to actual start anything because you’re paralyzed by how long your to-do list has become. Or, if you feel bad about not exercising or not eating healthy, all you think about is how little willpower you have, how you’re lazy, and how you don’t have any motivation.

In each case, your brain closes off from the outside world and focuses on the negative emotions of fear, anger, and stress — just like it did with the tiger. Negative emotions prevent your brain from seeing the other options and choices that surround you. It’s your survival instinct.

Now, let’s compare this to what positive emotions do to your brain. This is where Barbara Fredrickson returns to the story.

What Positive Thoughts Do to Your Brain

Fredrickson tested the impact of positive emotions on the brain by setting up a little experiment. During this experiment, she divided her research subjects into five groups and showed each group different film clips.

The first two groups were shown clips that created positive emotions. Group 1 saw images that created feelings of joy. Group 2 saw images that created feelings of contentment.
Group 3 was the control group. They saw images that were neutral and produced no significant emotion.

The last two groups were shown clips that created negative emotions. Group 4 saw images that created feelings of fear. Group 5 saw images that created feelings of anger.
Afterward, each participant was asked to imagine themselves in a situation where similar feelings would arise and to write down what they would do. Each participant was handed a piece of paper with 20 blank lines that started with the phrase, “I would like to...”
Participants who saw images of fear and anger wrote down the fewest responses. Meanwhile, the participants who saw images of joy and contentment, wrote down a significantly higher number of actions that they would take, even when compared to the neutral group.

In other words, when you are experiencing positive emotions like joy, contentment, and love, you will see more possibilities in your life. These findings were among the first that suggested positive emotions broaden your sense of possibility and open your mind up to more options.

But that was just the beginning. The really interesting impact of positive thinking happens later...

How Positive Thinking Builds Your Skill Set

The benefits of positive emotions don’t stop after a few minutes of good feelings subside. In fact, the biggest benefit that positive emotions provide is an enhanced ability to build skills and develop resources for use later in life.

Let’s consider a real-world example.

A child who runs around outside, swinging on branches and playing with friends, develops the ability to move athletically (physical skills), the ability to play with others and communicate with a team (social skills), and the ability to explore and examine the world around them (creative skills). In this way, the positive emotions of play and joy prompt the child to build skills that are useful and valuable in everyday life.

These skills last much longer than the emotions that initiated them. Years later, that foundation of athletic movement might develop into a scholarship as a college athlete or the communication skills may blossom into a job offer as a business manager. The happiness that promoted the exploration and creation of new skills has long since ended, but the skills themselves live on.

Fredrickson refers to this as the “broaden and build” theory because positive emotions broaden your sense of possibilities and open your mind, which in turn allows you to build new skills and resources that can provide value in other areas of your life.
As we discussed earlier, negative emotions do the opposite. Why? Because building skills for future use is irrelevant when there is immediate threat or danger (like the tiger on the path).

All of this research begs the most important question of all: If positive thinking is so useful for developing valuable skills and appreciating the big picture of life, how do you actually get yourself to be positive?

How to Increase Positive Thinking in Your Life

What you can do to increase positive emotions and take advantage of the “broaden and build” theory in your life?

Well, anything that sparks feelings of joy, contentment, and love will do the trick. You probably know what things work well for you. Maybe it’s playing the guitar. Maybe it’s spending time with a certain person. Maybe it’s carving tiny wooden lawn gnomes.
That said, here are three ideas for you to consider...

1. Meditation — Recent research by Fredrickson and her colleagues has revealed that people who meditate daily display more positive emotions that those who do not. As expected, people who meditated also built valuable long-term skills. For example, three months after the experiment was over, the people who meditated daily continued to display increased mindfulness, purpose in life, social support, and decreased illness symptoms.
Note: If you’re looking for an easy way to start meditation, here is a 10-minute guided meditation that was recently sent to me. Just close your eyes, breathe, and follow along.

2. Writing — This study, published in the Journal of Research in Personality, examined a group of 90 undergraduate students who were split into two groups. The first group wrote about an intensely positive experience each day for three consecutive days. The second group wrote about a control topic.

Three months later, the students who wrote about positive experiences had better mood levels, fewer visits to the health center, and experienced fewer illnesses. (This blew me away. Better health after just three days of writing about positive things!)

Note: I used to be very erratic in my writing, but now I publish a new blog every Monday and Thursday. I’ve written more about my writing process and how you can stick to your goals in this blog and this blog.

3. Play — Schedule time to play into your life. We schedule meetings, conference calls, weekly events, and other responsibilities into our daily calendars... why not schedule time to play?

When was the last time you blocked out an hour on your calendar just to explore and experiment? When was the last time you intentionally carved out time to have fun? You can’t tell me that being happy is less important than your Wednesday meeting, and yet, we act like it is because we never give it a time and space to live on our calendars.

Give yourself permission to smile and enjoy the benefits of positive emotion. Schedule time for play and adventure so that you can experience contentment and joy, and explore and build new skills.

Happiness vs. Success (Which Comes First?)

There’s no doubt that happiness is the result of achievement. Winning a championship, landing a better job, finding someone you love — these things will bring joy and contentment to your life. But so often, we wrongly assume that this means happiness always follows success.

How often have you thought, “If I just get ___, then I’ll be set.”

Or, “Once I achieve ___, I’ll be satisfied.”

I know I’m guilty of putting off happiness until I achieve some arbitrary goal. But as Fredrickson’s “broaden and build” theory proves, happiness is essential to building the skills that allow for success.

In other words, happiness is both the precursor to success and the result of it.
In fact, researchers have often noticed a compounding effect or an “upward spiral” that occurs with happy people. They are happy, so they develop new skills, those skills lead to new success, which results in more happiness, and the process repeats itself.

Where to Go From Here

Positive thinking isn’t just a soft and fluffy feel-good term. Yes, it’s great to simply “be happy,” but those moments of happiness are also critical for opening your mind to explore and build the skills that become so valuable in other areas of your life.

Finding ways to build happiness and positive emotions into your life — whether it is through meditation, writing, playing a pickup basketball game, or anything else — provides more than just a momentary decrease in stress and a few smiles.

Periods of positive emotion and unhindered exploration are when you see the possibilities for how your past experiences fit into your future life, when you begin to develop skills that blossom into useful talents later on, and when you spark the urge for further exploration and adventure.

To put it simply: Seek joy, play often, and pursue adventure. Your brain will do the rest.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/james-clear/positive-thinking_b_3512202.html