Rebuilding Life after Divorce

For divorced men, the reality is painful emotionally, physically, financially, and just about any angle you can look at it. It’s simply an unpleasant experience. To rebuild from it or from anything, the anger needs to subside, whatever humor to be found needs to be brought forth, and a renewed spirit developed.

At the same time as rebuilding begins, there needs to be an emphasis placed upon not regressing to less- developed former states. Many men in this situation fall back to a younger adult mentality of late night partying and ill-advised romantic involvements. Instead, focus on using the experience to emerge wiser and more prepared for what is next in life. Remaining stagnate or regressing are traps that usually lead to even more heartache. 

There is hope for life after divorce. Divorced men can experience less trauma and create positive growth. There are ways to rebuild life and be a better parent. Here’s how:

Make Time to Grieve

The shattered dreams, the broken vows, and the reality of starting over all cause severe emotion. Shoving that emotion down and not releasing it will cause further damage in every case. Most do not realize the destructive paths they are going down until a lot of carnage is behind them. All the stages of grief come with divorce: shock, denial, anger, and acceptance. But for men, in particular, there can be a deep sense of personal failure. Finding trusted people to share these emotions with is highly recommended. That could be a clergy person, a counselor or just a wise and sincere friend or small group. As you move into this major life transition, being emotionally unstable is not beneficial to your cause. Address your grief.

Regain Individual Identity

Marriage is about partnership and teamwork, and now you find yourself on your own. It’s time to regain your individual identity and figure out what are the things that make life work well for you. It’s important to learn to respect yourself and feel worthy again. Hone the character traits and abilities you possess that lead to positive results in your life, and critically figure out the ones that contributed to the lack of success. Doing these things will enable us to better understand what we need and expect from the next relationship. Most of all, learn to pray with sincerity and purpose. God has not and will not leave your side.

Build a Network of Friends

Just because you’re single now, life after divorce doesn’t have to be lonely. Divorce will wreak havoc on some of your current friendships, but gracefully accept that and retain the ones that reach out to you. Moving forward, carefully work to make new friends in similar situations with similar goals. This is the area that is most vulnerable to regression. It’s certainly expected to have an active and enjoyable social life, but craft it with great care.

Prudent Financial Planning

You have enough stress from the divorce already. Accumulating mass amounts of debt will make life much more miserable as you transition. Alimony and child support are going to force serious restructuring. Doing so bitterly is going to send trauma throughout the entire family unit, especially landing right in the heart of your children. They will feel unwanted and as if they are burdens, when what they need more than anything at the moment is lots of reassurance that dad is still going to be there for them. Make the hard decisions and necessary cuts. It’s going to painful, but you’ll come out of it one day much better off.

Make a Goals Bucket List

Starting over requires deciding what are the things most important to you. Make a bucket list of goals you wish to achieve in this new direction in life. A better version of the man you already are. A better and wiser parent. Be a man that prepares himself for the best chance at happiness and success. Try and feel new things.

Source: https://www.allprodad.com/rebuilding-life-after-divorce/

Opinion: Your kids shouldn't be your whole world, even as a single parent

One day they will grow up and leave and then what will you have left?

When my husband and I separated I was flooded with all manner of advice. Well-meaning friends and family covered everything from mental health care to legal issues and everything in between, but more than anything, they spoke about the kids. If I had a dollar for every version of “just focus on the kids now” I heard, I’d have a decent nest egg in the bank.

Of course, it is important to focus on the kids after separation. It is a confusing time for them, coloured with mixed emotions, unexpected gains and losses. My children needed me to be there for them, to listen, to offer explanations, and to help them adjust to all the changes thrust upon them at a moment’s notice.

What they didn’t need, contrary to popular opinion, was for me to draw the remainder of our little family into an impenetrable circle of love that might one day risk not only smothering them, but leaving me adrift alone.
Learn from their mistakes

Sadly over the years I have seen several of my peers go through separation and divorce; the upside of this is that I have had the benefit of learning from their mistakes. Unfortunately the most common of these mistakes looks exactly like great parenting, until the children concerned hit adulthood and the wheels fall off the wagon.

Corina was a great mum, dedicated and selfless. Her son was a toddler when his parents separated; lucky for him they both had his best interests at heart and worked together to provide him with the best possible start in life. Corina lived for her son. She never really repartnered – she didn’t need to – her son was everything to her and she worked hard to make sure she could be everything he needed too.

Ryan grew into a lovely young man. Grateful for the sacrifices his mother made, he was dedicated to keeping her happy and they were as close as a mother and son could be. They did everything together and Corina’s social media accounts overflowed with pictures of the two of them at functions together, making silly faces, and just generally having a good time.

Around twenty-five, Ryan met a girl and they decided to do a bit of travelling together. Like any mother, Corina was thrilled to see her son making his way in the world. Well, she was thrilled, until he was gone. It didn’t seem too hard at first, after all he had been away for weeks here and there, but three months in and it hit. In all those years as a single mother she never once resented putting her own needs aside. “I have the rest of my life to think about me,” she thought.

Who am I?

But now, in her fifties, she suddenly found that she no longer knew who she was. Her hobbies had gone by the wayside many years before and outside of work, Ryan was the only life she knew. Even her friendships revolved around her son, his friends, and other parents from her past.

As for men, well, at this point Corina wasn’t sure she’d know what to do with one if he fell in her lap. She’s not the only one. Convincing themselves that laser focus on their children is just selfless parenting, many single parents end up inadvertently using their children as substitutes. Substitute partners, substitute friends, substitute hobbies, substitute lives. They share beds, dinner dates, and decision making, almost like a platonic marriage, only the power imbalance means that ultimately, they get to call all the shots.

The dating world is already unforgiving

Making your way back into a relationship of equals after so many years in control can be near impossible, and the dating world – already slim pickings at middle-age – can be very unforgiving. Faced with an empty nest and limited prospects, many singles find themselves either clinging to people they have no connection with, or running back to the familiar comfort of an ex they were never happy with in the first place.

The children they have spent so many years protecting will often end up hurt as a result. Sometimes it’s jealousy – it can be hard to share a parent you’ve always had to yourself – but sometimes it’s because something just doesn’t seem right. Maybe the new partner is aggressive or rude; sometimes they are trying to gain a financial advantage, or even trying to cut the children out of their parent’s life.

Trying to rekindle a spark with your ex can be just as damaging. Strong co-parenting relationships take years to build, and rely heavily on trust and respect for all the families involved. It only takes one drunken meltdown to destroy the trust between first and second families forever, and even as adults, it is the children who pay the price.

Prevention is better than cure

What I learned from all of this is that prevention is better than cure. When going through a separation you can’t just focus on the present; you need to think about the future too.
So pull your children close, and certainly be selective about who you bring into their lives, but never cut yourselves of from the rest of the world. Enjoy a life outside of the one you share with your children; date, pursue adult interests and hobbies, make your own friends and follow your own dreams.

Because a time will come when your children are ready to leave the nest, and you want to let them fly unhindered by concerns about your future. That is good parenting.

Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/opinion-your-kids-shouldnt-be-your-whole-world-even-as-a-single-parent/news-story/fd723dd265992fbfcd7dde04ae9f2705

Rebuilding Life after Divorce

For divorced men, the reality is painful emotionally, physically, financially, and just about any angle you can look at it. It’s simply an unpleasant experience. To rebuild from it or from anything, the anger needs to subside, whatever humor to be found needs to be brought forth, and a renewed spirit developed.

At the same time as rebuilding begins, there needs to be an emphasis placed upon not regressing to less- developed former states. Many men in this situation fall back to a younger adult mentality of late night partying and ill-advised romantic involvements. Instead, focus on using the experience to emerge wiser and more prepared for what is next in life. Remaining stagnate or regressing are traps that usually lead to even more heartache.

There is hope for life after divorce. Divorced men can experience less trauma and create positive growth. There are ways to rebuild life and be a better parent. Here’s how:

Make Time to Grieve

The shattered dreams, the broken vows, and the reality of starting over all cause severe emotion. Shoving that emotion down and not releasing it will cause further damage in every case. Most do not realize the destructive paths they are going down until a lot of carnage is behind them. All the stages of grief come with divorce: shock, denial, anger, and acceptance. But for men, in particular, there can be a deep sense of personal failure. Finding trusted people to share these emotions with is highly recommended. That could be a clergy person, a counselor or just a wise and sincere friend or small group. As you move into this major life transition, being emotionally unstable is not beneficial to your cause. Address your grief.

Regain Individual Identity
Marriage is about partnership and teamwork, and now you find yourself on your own. It’s time to regain your individual identity and figure out what are the things that make life work well for you. It’s important to learn to respect yourself and feel worthy again. Hone the character traits and abilities you possess that lead to positive results in your life, and critically figure out the ones that contributed to the lack of success. Doing these things will enable us to better understand what we need and expect from the next relationship. Most of all, learn to pray with sincerity and purpose. God has not and will not leave your side.

Build a Network of Friends

Just because you’re single now, life after divorce doesn’t have to be lonely. Divorce will wreak havoc on some of your current friendships, but gracefully accept that and retain the ones that reach out to you. Moving forward, carefully work to make new friends in similar situations with similar goals. This is the area that is most vulnerable to regression. It’s certainly expected to have an active and enjoyable social life, but craft it with great care.

Prudent Financial Planning

You have enough stress from the divorce already. Accumulating mass amounts of debt will make life much more miserable as you transition. Alimony and child support are going to force serious restructuring. Doing so bitterly is going to send trauma throughout the entire family unit, especially landing right in the heart of your children. They will feel unwanted and as if they are burdens, when what they need more than anything at the moment is lots of reassurance that dad is still going to be there for them. Make the hard decisions and necessary cuts. It’s going to painful, but you’ll come out of it one day much better off.

Make a Goals Bucket List
Starting over requires deciding what are the things most important to you. Make a bucket list of goals you wish to achieve in this new direction in life. A better version of the man you already are. A better and wiser parent. Be a man that prepares himself for the best chance at happiness and success. Try and feel new things.

Source: https://www.allprodad.com/rebuilding-life-after-divorce/

The Secret To A Successful And Happy Divorce

Divorce is such an ugly word in the English language.

It has so many negative connotations.

And we’re constantly reminded of our marital status no matter where we go.

Go to the doctor and they’ll ask you the marital status.

Online, they’ll ask you your marital status. Single, married, widowed or divorced. Well, to me it’s either single or married. It’s nobody’s concern or business whether you’re widowed or divorced or separated.

All it does is reveal how you’re going to be judged.

Judged by people you speak with and literally judged by yourself.

I’ve been coaching people for almost 20 years now, and when a divorced person comes to me, they’ll always tell me how their marriage failed.

Well, their marriage did not fail. It wasn’t a failure. They actually tried to work and have a marriage, and that is not a failure. That’s an amazing, beautiful lesson that they had and shared with another person.

You had to bring that person into your life to learn more about yourself to understand the lessons that you needed to learn to make the changes that you needed to make in yourself to grow as a person. So, it’s just another step in the evolution of you as a human being living through the experiences of your life.

And that’s the first step in a successful divorce -

Recognize the beautiful lessons that were learned.

Embrace those lessons. Only after those lessons are fully embraced will you actually have a healthier relationship. The people who decide not to embrace the lessons continue to talk negatively about their divorce.

They go on to the next relationship that will repeat the same lessons again until they finally figure out that you need to really look at yourself and take responsibility for the things that you may or may not have caused in that relationship.

Now, for people who share children with somebody: children are not possessions.

They’re not negotiating tools or chips so you can get more child support or money out of an ex.

Children are beautiful souls who came into this world because two people brought them into it.

I have single mothers tell me, “I carried her or I carried him. Their father doesn’t deserve them.””I brought them into this world.”

And that’s a very narcissistic approach to parenting.

It’s all about them and not about the children that they brought into this world. Because it takes a mother and a father to equally raise the beautiful loving boys and girls into amazing men and women.

Depriving your child time with the opposite sex parent is basically sending your child down a rocky road to therapy and screwed up relationships.

When a child cannot have access or a substantial amount of time with their father and/or mother due to another parents’ control issues over the kids, it is basically just setting them up for future relationship issues when they get older.

When a child gets old enough, they will rebel and see the truth, and see how they were blocked karmically and energetically from spending time with their parents.

I’m seeing it with a lot of clients right now. Their mothers have controlled their kids. And now their teenage daughters are lashing out, literally having sex in the bathroom of school, and doing other things that are detrimental to the development of the child once they get into adulthood.

When a child can’t have a relationship with both parents, whether it’s a boy or girl, it’s going to lead to issues with their relationships in the future.

How do I know that? It happened to me.

It’s happened to the majority of clients I have counseled over the last 20 years.

But there’s a percentage of mothers and fathers out there who block their kids from spending equal time with the other parent. They do it based out of their own fears and insecurities.

They truly believe that they should not give up their child at all.

They believe that the other parent can’t do as good a job as them, but really what it comes down to is they’ve got major issues, separation anxiety and things they have not resolved in their childhood. So, they’re holding on to the one thing that they can control: their child.

Basically, not allowing the child to really have all the beautiful things that they truly need in their life.

These parents will always put themselves first.

And always claim they’re the best parents in the world because they don’t really want to look in the mirror.

The beauty of divorce is that it took two people to bring a kid into this world.

It took two people to create this magical being.

And it takes two people respect it, to bring this child up. So, for those of you who are controlling a child, blocking another parent from spending time with a child, maybe you should look really deep into your own issues and how this playing out in your life with your children and your ex.

Because you’re setting your kids up for future relationship failures, and I’ve seen it thousands of times.

You’re setting yourself up for a kid that’s going to rebel because eventually, all the control and all the dominating things you’re doing now is not going to work anymore when the kid gets older.

And they’re going to see the other parent because all they’ve done is just be about love and wanting to be with them with no control.They’re going to run right into the arms of that one.

I’ve seen it with many of my clients. So the key to a successful, happy divorce is what? It’s a means of working together, not control.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-secret-to-a-successful-and-happy-divorce_us_593316bee4b0649fff2119b3

You are Not Your Divorce

There are times when it feels like you are nothing more than your divorce. It’s an understandable perception – it’s always on your mind, even in the deepest recesses that you’re not aware of. And, there is the fact that the tentacles of divorce manage to touch every area of your life. Your physical and emotional health, your friends and family, your finances, and planning for your future, all are colored by the fact that you are getting divorced - or already are. It’s a big change. But it doesn’t have to define you.

I think it’s valuable to remember this – you are not your divorce. You are the sum of your life experience, which has shaped you into the person you are today. You have developed a set a values during that life experience, even if you are not aware of it. This is a good time to put them down on paper – name them, give voice to your values. Yes, even if you do it with energy that relates to your divorce. For example, “I value honesty” (and he/she obviously did not). 'I value financial security'... and so forth.

Knowing what is important to you can become a sort of moral compass in a time of crisis, like divorce. It’s very easy to be pulled in one direction or another without some sort of guiding principals in life. Especially when your foundation has been rocked.

I know a divorced woman who was a dedicated wife and mother, although very unhappy. Like Nora, in “A Doll’s House”, she reached a point of no return in terms of her discontentment, and simply left the marriage. She truly felt that it was a matter of life and death. Having few friends, no career, little work experience, and two children under the age of 10, she rented an apartment and found full time work.‘Carrie’ really didn’t know what was important to her, except for her children. For the next few years, she enjoyed the social life which she missed during her marriage, and even had several important relationships with men.

But without clarity or reflection about who she wanted to become, or what she valued in life, Carrie's children became the focal point of her life. As the children grew up, which they all do, moving into their own lives, she found herself living what she described as a “meaningless” life. She had some make up work to do, and eventually did figure out what mattered to her. Carrie now runs a food co-op for homeless people, and says she feels a growing sense of ‘purpose’ returning to her life.

I would not begrudge anyone from having a light, carefree moment or two after divorce. It’s been a stressful time, full of change and adjustment. It’s good to listen to the wanderlust need, or the need for quiet and calm. Take some time out. But keep an eye and ear to yourself, and notice what your inner voice is saying.

It’s hard for many of us to look into our own hearts and souls and listen. Many of us have been conditioned to notice what matters to others, and to make their dreams our missions to fulfil. This is the time when you must learn how to listen to yourself. What really matters to you, the kind of person you are, who you want to become, and what kind of life you see for yourself – these things together form to become your guiding light after a divorce.
You are so much more than your divorce.

Source: http://www.chicagonow.com/divorce-reality/2017/06/you-are-not-your-divorce/