“The Obstacle is the path” – Zen Proverb
In times of challenge it feels like the world is conspiring against us. Every incident, event and encounter feels like another blow sent to knock us off track. There are the things that need to be resolved with our ex and the inevitable arguments to weather. Simply keeping our day-to-day life on track can feel like more than we can possibly deal with.
It’s tempting to give up. It feels like the world is conspiring against us. We risk becoming defined as a victim of circumstance, constantly dealing with hardship and someone who just can’t get a break.
What may just help if you feel like this, is that I’ve grown to realise is this is simply a reflection of life for EVERYONE. We often choose only to see the positives in the lives of others and compare those to the negatives in our own.
The scale of the challenges and the source of the difficulties may be different, but we all go through times of challenge and hardship. It’s the nature of life.
Whether it’s financial troubles, illness, bereavement, injury, falling victim to crime or facing prejudice, EVERYONE will at times encounter the obstacles that seem to block them on the path they thought was theirs for life.
We can choose to view these disruptions as blockers to our path, and keep fighting to get back on what we believe is the track we should be on, or we can accept them as the prompts for learning and growth, as part of the journey.
Maybe an illness isn’t just our health and vitality letting us down, but instead a timely warning to consider whether our lifestyle, habits, stress-levels and priorities are in balance.
Perhaps financial difficulties aren’t just a hardship to be accepted, but instead a prompt to evaluate our spending and our attitude to money and risk.
A strained friendship may not just be the result of a difference of opinion but instead an indicator that you’ve merely drifted apart, your outlooks and needs have changed and the friendship doesn’t serve either of you anymore.
Things change, life changes, the path changes.
In divorce, disruptions arise which you can view as blockers to your path, or alternatively as opportunities to learn, grow and progress.
The failure of your relationship may be a relief, or it may be devastating. Rather than it being cause for feelings of resentment or yearning, perhaps it’s a chance to evaluate whether your ex truly met your needs, nurtured and loved you as you needed, and whether that relationship was giving you what you wanted and deserved.
If you had become needy and dependent, or controlled and manipulated then maybe this is your prompt to rediscover yourself, prioritise your own needs and recapture independence.
Being separated from your kids, or losing out on custody may feel like the cruellest outcome in the process. You can suffer and protest about this to all who will listen, regretting that you’ll never be able to give your kids a ‘conventional’ upbringing. Alternatively, you can make the choice to consciously and deliberately parent your kids to the best of your ability when you have them. You can choose to be the role-model you want to be and still strive to be a powerful and positive force and influence in their life. You just have to be creative about how you do it.
Everyone experiences hard-times in life. I believe that these events are life teaching us the skills and lessons we need to grow, learn and to live the best life we can possibly live.
While it can be hard to rise-above the immediate obstacle and see them as anything more than problems, I can guarantee that you will look back in years to come and see how much they taught you and how far you’ve come.
Toby
I was 47 when my divorce occurred. Not 50 but by the time the divorce process had resolved itself I felt closer to seventy. I learned very quickly that handling stress during my middle years was not as easy as it had been in my twenties or thirties. I just didn’t bounce back the way I used to.
I found myself spending a lot of time focused on where my life would lead me, what was next and how I would find the emotional strength needed to “get on” with my life.
For months, I had no plan and paid no attention to what needed to be done for me in order to rebuild and start living again, on my own and on my own terms.
That is the most crushing aspect of divorce after 50. Picking up and starting over after the loss of decade’s worth of plans and thinking your life has been mapped out and all is in order. Change is uncomfortable when it comes to a change that touches every aspect of your life there is no word to describe the emotional challenge one faces. And, that is what divorce after 50 does; it touches every aspect of your life.
I remember sitting at my breakfast table one morning, staring out the window feeling sorry for myself. Out of the blue, I realized that the choice I was making to wallow in my predicament would play a role in the quality of my life, that day and each day moving forward. And it wouldn’t be a positive role!
I knew I had to put conscious effort into moving forward and making the second half of my life something worth living.
From that day forward I started making different choices in the way I viewed the divorce, the damage I thought my ex had done and the opportunities open to me in the future.
Below are a few suggestions, things you can do to keep you from getting stuck if you divorce after fifty:
1. Let go of your need to blame:
Divorce can be emotionally and financially devastating, especially for those over fifty. Your ex may have left you for another woman. They may have used adversarial attorneys during the divorce process to strip you financially. As hard as this is to understand once the divorce process is over, what happened during the process is in the past.
Blaming your ex for something that you can’t go back and change keeps you stuck in the past and stagnated in the present. If you have anger toward your ex don’t feed it by focusing energy on the anger. Extinguish it and put it out by refusing to allow it to take up space in your head.
Don’t spend time accusing your ex of wrong-doing, engaging in conflict with your ex and allowing the anger to hold you back from better things. Like I've said, the past can't be undone but, the future is yours for the making. Look straight ahead, set your sites and start rebuilding your life.
2. Admit your own mistakes:
It takes two to make a marriage and, two to break a marriage. One may be more responsible than the other for the demise of the marriage but, you played a role. It may have been a small role but you do yourself a disservice by not taking responsibility for the role you played in the marital problems.
You can’t learn from the adversity of divorce if you don’t admit to flaws and failures of your own. You can’t move forward and make productive choices in life if you continue to hold onto behavior patterns that helped lead to the demise of the marriage.
Take an in-depth, internal inventory and put effort into changing the negative behaviors that you are responsible for. Only then will you become fully in control of the quality of life you will live post-divorce.
3. Control only what you have control over:
A huge mistake most people make is attempting to control something they have no control over. You need to recognize those things that are beyond your control and stop trying to control them. This calls for you to be realistic about what should and shouldn’t be in your control. For instance:
- You can’t control who your ex spends time with,
- You can’t control their behavior toward you; you can control your response to their behavior,
- You can’t control what your ex says about you, you can control your response to what they say,
- You can’t control those who take sides in your divorce.
Basically, you can control your own actions and behaviors and it is those things that will determine the course your life will take in the future. What you are tasked with is moving your life forward regardless of your circumstances.
Getting caught up in the blame game, denial of your own flaws and attempting to control what is out of your control keeps you stuck. It takes a conscious effort to heal from a late-life divorce. Changing the way you view your situation and making purposeful choices will help you move more quickly toward healing and a life that brings you peace of mind and happiness.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/gray-divorce-dont-let-divorce-after-50-keep-you-stuck-1103023
Narcissistic behavior is one of the character traps Dr. Mark Banschick explains in his article on Malignant Divorce. According to Dr. Banschick, "the narcissist is completely self-serving and selfish." So, how do you get through a divorce unscathed if your spouse is narcissistic?
In some situations, a divorcing couple is made up of one narcissist and one reasonable person, the narcissistic spouse can single-handedly create enormous conflict.
The narcissist’s negative actions and response to the divorce cause the reasonable spouse to go into defensive mode especially if there are children involved.
To those who don’t know better, it looks like the reasonable spouse is fully engaged in creating conflict. But what is really happening is that the reasonable spouse is trying to protect themselves and their children from the narcissist who is using the legal system to bully them. Many do not recognize the characteristics of a narcissist, even during the marriage but, introduce divorce into the narcissist’s life and it can become quite evident that this person has a personality disorder. One that keeps them from being able to play fair when they feel backed into a corner.
That is why so few people find themselves emotionally equipped to survive while divorcing a narcissist. The reasonable spouse goes into the divorce process expecting the same level of consideration that they experienced during the marriage to only be met by an adversary who will stop at nothing to “win” what they perceive as a war being waged against them.
It’s difficult to stay emotionally level-headed when what you thought would be a simple process turns into all-out war and all you care about is at stake. The only way to survive while divorcing a narcissist is having the ability to quickly recognize who you are dealing with and the willingness to do battle, roll up your sleaves and go to war.
First Consider the Characteristics of a Narcissist:
- Has a need for admiration
- A need to be right
- A need to be seen as the good guy
- A need to criticize when you don't meet their need
- Is charismatic and successful
- Lacks the ability to feel remorse
- Has no conscience
- Has a tremendous need to control you and the situation
- Has values that are situational; if you believe infidelity is wrong, so do they, even if they don't, their need to impress you motivates them to hold the same beliefs
- Uses a facade of caring and understanding to manipulate
- Is emotionally unavailable
- Nothing is ever their fault
- Hangs onto resentment
- Has a grandiose sense of self
- Feels misunderstood
- Is not interested in solving marital problems, it is their way or the highway
- Is envious of other's success
When divorcing a narcissist, Dr. Bansckick says, "he completely dismisses any of your needs or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened.
You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community."
How To Protect Yourself When Divorcing The Narcissist
A narcissist finds it hard to accept that his/her influence in your life is over. Whether they file for the divorce or you, the narcissist will attempt to remain in control of his influence over your life. If you have children with this person they will work over-time at attempting to control how child support is spent, how child visitation is handled and every other aspect of the co-parenting relationship.
How much emotional abuse, financial and sometimes domestic abuse the narcissist is able to inflict depends on how you respond to him/her.
If you show the narcissist any sympathy, fear, weakness or confusion the narcissist will feed off of it and continue his/her cycle of abusive behaviour.
Protecting yourself means showing no weakness, not buying into anything the narcissist says, researching as much as you can find about narcissism and having an attorney on your side who is willing to pull out all the stops when it comes to protecting your legal rights.
4 Tactics For Dealing With The Narcissist During Divorce:
1. Examine your role in the ongoing conflict. The healthier you are emotionally the more success you will have in dealing with the narcissist. You are giving into the narcissist's attempt to manipulate every time you respond to him/her.
A narcissist is adept at causing confusion. When in an adversarial relationship such as divorce you begin to question whether the problem is with you or the narcissist. That is exactly where the narcissist wants you; confused and questioning yourself.
People often ask me what they can do to change how someone responds to them. If you are attempting to do something that will make a difference in the way he/she behaves STOP. You cannot change the behaviors of others but you can change the way you respond to their behaviour.
Your response to a narcissist should be measured. You should be aware that he/she is trying to push your buttons and wants a negative response from you. The best advice I can give is to realize that the things the narcissist does or says in not about you, it is about them. The narcissist is attempting to make themselves feel better by making you feel shame, fear or guilt.
The narcissist will project his own fears, shame, and guilt off onto you by using the Family Court System to abuse. Not retaliating or challenging them puts the shame, fear, and guilt back onto them.
2. Deal with the reality of the situation. The world of the narcissist is made up of fantasy, nothing is real, all is an expression of their need to be someone they are not. It is imperative you see the narcissist for who he/she really is and not for whom you wish he/she was.
Regardless of how good you want the narcissist to be, the more you work at bringing goodness out, the more the narcissist will exploit your goodness.
The narcissist wants you to doubt your own value. The best defense during divorce against such a person is to appreciate your own self-worth and refuse to buy into their need to dismiss and belittle you and your needs.
3. Be willing to set firm boundaries. The narcissist believes their needs are more important than yours, they believe they are more intelligent than you and find it unacceptable that anyone would disagree with them. For this reason, they lack an understanding of boundaries and respecting the needs of others.
You can't teach or expect the narcissist to ever respect your boundaries. You can, however, refuse to allow the narcissist to cross your boundaries and cause you undue stress during the divorce process. This is done by you controlling what behaviors you will and will not allow.
Don't make the mistake of believing that trying to control the behaviors of the narcissist is the answer to setting boundaries with him/her. Most believe that protecting themselves and setting boundaries means confronting and being assertive. This does not work with the narcissist. The more you confront and assert your position the more you play into their game.
When setting boundaries with the narcissist you need to refuse to communicate unless it can be done in a manner free of conflict, manipulation, and disrespect. You may need to insist that all communication is via email. You can let it be known that you will not respond to any communication that dismisses or belittles you and your needs.
You can expect the narcissist to push back against the boundaries you set. If you want to stop the cycle of abuse and disrespect you must be firm, stand your ground and refuse to allow him/her to push your buttons. Remember, you are trying to separate yourself from the narcissist. As I said, this is a threat to him/her so be on guard for efforts on their part to draw you back into the toxicity of the relationship.
4. Surround yourself with an understanding support system. During the divorce, we all go to family and friends for support and advice. Your situation is unique, though; friends and family will not understand and may even doubt your honesty when you relay what you are dealing with.
It is essential that you hire a divorce attorney who has an understanding of narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with it during the legal process of divorce. Also, find a therapist who can help you work through the feelings you will have during the divorce and after. A therapist can help you set boundaries and stick with them, a therapist can help you identify your role in the conflict and can help you understand what is and isn't "real." The people you choose to go to for help will play a huge role in how well you navigate divorce from a narcissist.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/surviving-emotionally-while-divorcing-a-narcissist-1102458
It was never in your life plan, certainly never predicted in your high school yearbook.
And yet, here you are. You’ve gone through a soul-sucking life experience and are suffering from the collateral consequences. Uncertainty, fear and disbelief rule the day. You keep waiting to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream.
The problem is that wishing, wanting and waiting don’t help. Whether you’re still in the midst of the storm or idling in the aftermath, the truth is that you have to reach down and make the decision that although you may have had no control over what happened to you, you do have control over how you respond and move forward. These six tips will help start you on that journey:
1. Don’t Compare Your Blooper Reel to Other’s Highlight Reel
At times it may seem like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Social media exacerbates this perception because people tend to show only their green patch of lawn and not their backyard full of weeds!
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see someone’s perfect vacation pictures captioned: “Don’t know how we’re really going to pay for this; We’re up to our ears in debt! The kids got carsick and puked in the rental car, and Jack and I haven’t had sex for weeks! Wish you were here!”
The grass isn’t always greener. Everyone has something in life they wish they could undo, redo or erase. They just don’t post it on Facebook.
2. Realize That Sometimes You Have No Control Over What Happens to You
Like the saying goes, life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. I truly believe that things happen for you rather than to you to nudge you into growth. When something unexpected happens, ask yourself “What’s the lesson here?”
3. Surrender to Your Situation
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving in; it simply means you stop fighting the fact that the situation happened. Accept the fact that it occurred, that it sucks, and that yes, it probably was unfair and undeserved.
When you continually try to fight against a situation, it’s like trying to swim against a rip current. You can fight it and end up exhausted and pulled out to sea, or you can accept that it is done, swim parallel to it and overcome it. You cannot change what has already occurred but you can change how you respond to it. This is the tipping point to taking your power back.
4. Understand That Your Coping Mechanisms May Be Holding You Hostage
It is natural to feel disbelief, anger and sadness, and to want to blame others for what you are going through. These coping mechanisms are designed to help you deal with the situation at hand. They are also a defense mechanism, a way to push back on the reality of the situation.
The problem is, when you get stuck defending, denying, and blaming, you form an endless loop of negative thoughts that won’t stop spinning in your head. The part of your brain that is controlling the loop is your ego. When you learn to harness your ego, you can transform the way you think and move past these self-destructive thoughts.
5. Harness Your Ego
Your ego is part of your consciousness, and it competes with your higher self, or spirit, for control of your thoughts. Your ego is fear-based and your higher self is love-based. The two cannot coexist because the higher self simply does not recognize fear. Think of the ego as the darkness and the higher self as the light switch; once the light goes on darkness cannot exist.
The ego thrives on fear and separation in order to control your thoughts. It causes you to think you need to be better because you’re not good enough or are lacking in some way. The egoic brain creates this fear of inferiority and you react by putting others down as a way to raise your sense of self-worth up.
You can recognize your ego at work when you are critical or judgmental of others, when you take on the role of victim, or when you blame others rather than looking inward. When you feel self-important, when you feel the need to be right, and when anger, jealousy, and self-importance take center stage, that’s your ego, and it isn’t helping you. It creates a false sense of self.
Once you are aware that your ego is talking, you have begun the process of winning the mind chatter war in your head. Your awareness helps you realize that you no longer have to react to the fear it is creating. Your thoughts are not you but are of the ego. Remember that your ego and your higher self cannot co-exist; When you recognize the ego it has to take a back seat to your higher self. You then can move above these thoughts and shift your perspective from negative thoughts to ones that serve you positively.
6. Create Calm and Gratitude
The ego loves for you to focus on your past, on what you lost. What if you shift the way you look at your situation and focus on what you gained as a result?
What did you learn as a result of the trial? Are you more compassionate, less judgmental? Is your house calmer or cleaner? Did you start taking better care of yourself emotionally or physically? Are you finally putting yourself first?
Focusing on what you are grateful for instead of what you lost is a mindset that creates a calmer, happier you. And that is something to be grateful for!
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-overcome-a-soul-crushing-life-challenge_b_7157082.html
After a divorce, most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.
Anger is a fact of life, especially for most experiencing a divorce. Since anger is a human reality, what can you do to deal with and use proactively the anger you feel during divorce?
Below are 5 strategies that will help you understand and deal with anger in a positive manner.
1. Don’t give into your anger.
Anger is a legitimate emotion, it is your heart trying to tell you something hurts emotionally. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression which, in some cases is your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express the anger in a proactive manner.
Learning to respond in a healthy manner to emotional pain isn't easy. It's the first step you have to take if you are going to keep the anger you feel from becoming destructive. Our first response to being hurt or feeling powerless is to lash out. To attempt to get revenge and regain a sense of control. When that is your response, you're feeding your anger instead of exploring and attempting to understand it.
To lessen anger and fully understand what you are feeling, you need to allow yourself to feel vulnerable and hurt. Anger gives a false sense of empowerment, vulnerability causes feelings of helplessness.
So, I get it, the first response, the one that helps us feel like we are back in control is the one most of us give into.
Anger is an emotional fraud. It's there to trick you into not fully understanding what lies beneath the anger, a lot of hurt and vulnerability. Anger hardens your heart and, if fed, keeps you from ever getting in touch with what you are truly feeling.
There is no shame in admitting you are hurt and feeling out of control. And, doing so softens your heart, leads to being in touch with your feelings and staying open to new relationships and a healthier life after divorce. Choosing pain over anger is hell in the short-term but, healthy in the long-term.
2. Don’t fear your anger.
Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be “nice and agreeable” and not get angry. Everyone gets angry, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Journal or talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.
Feared anger leads to stuffed anger which leads to you one day blowing like Mount Vesuvius and leaving a path of destruction in your wake. As I discussed before, get in touch with the feelings causing the anger and, explore appropriate ways to express the anger you feel.
3. Don’t worry about losing control of your anger.
One fear many people have is, if they let their anger out they won’t be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger.
Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need without harming anyone.
And, that is the key, stop fearing your anger, express it but, in a way that leads you to a reduction in the anger you feel without it causing or exacerbating conflict and harm.
4. Don’t worry about what other people will think.
If you feel anger, you have a right to your feelings. Individuals may think that it’s acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame because it is generally frowned upon.
Anger can be an early warning system that something is wrong. Someone is mistreating you? Someone is trying to take advantage of you? Use your anger to build healthy boundaries and distance yourself from those attempting to do you harm.
5. Get regular exercise.
If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress.
Taking a walk, doing aerobics or finding stress relieving yoga poses, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief.
According to WebMD.com, "exercise acts like a drug, protecting against angry mood induction, almost like taking aspirin to prevent a heart attack." So, instead of working out to burn calories, work out to burn off those feelings of anger.
Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.
Nothing contributes more to divorce turning into all out war than anger. Get it under check, explore what it is trying to tell you, and when needed us your anger appropriately to protect yourself during the divorce process.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-for-dealing-with-anger-during-divorce-1102468
1. What Does "Letting Go" Mean?
According to Dr. Lawrence Wilson, "Letting go can be as simple as recycling or giving away old clothing. It can be as radical as leaving a long-standing marriage or friendship and changing one’s entire lifestyle. Whichever it is, it is always going to be somewhat painful. I mention this because the feeling of loss that accompanies any type of letting go is perfectly normal, and should not be confused. If one expects no pain, then when the pain of separation and letting go and abandonment hit, many people turn away rather than move forward boldly."
When in the throws of emotional pain, "letting go" can be an abstract concept that is hard to grasp. When going through my divorce I heard and read a lot about detachment and moving and all I read seemed fine and dandy. The only problem? No one bothered to tell me exactly how one "lets go" or "moves on" when suffering debilitating emotional pain.
This article is an attempt to give you what I so desperately needed during that time in my life. It is a guide of sorts that will help you get through the "letting go" process while also dealing with the negative emotions that accompany a divorce.
It is about building a new path for your life that is not influenced by the pain of a broken marriage or the anger and resentment toward a spouse who has left. Dreams, hopes and fears are led by beliefs. We marry with the belief that it is going to last forever. We build dreams for a future with another person based on our belief that, that person will not let us down.
Moving forward and detaching during the divorce process means we have to come to terms with the fact that the dreams and hopes we had are now based on self-defeating beliefs. I hear from a lot of clients such things as, "he should not have cheated" or, "she made a vow and promised to stay." These are thoughts or beliefs that keep us stuck in a situation we no longer have any control over.
They also create more conflict during a time when we need to be dealing with the "here and now" instead of our belief that the marriage should not be coming to an end. "Letting go" during the divorce process not only helps us focus on protecting our legal rights, it helps us rid ourselves of old dreams and hopes so we can start building new dreams and hopes for the future. We replace old beliefs with new beliefs!
2. Letting Go With Love
If you are the one who made the choice to leave the marriage it is important to remember the love you once felt for your spouse. Although you feel the marriage is over, no longer fulfills your needs you should strive to transition from married to single with compassion for the one you are leaving behind. Any transition is easier to make if it is done with compassion, kindness and love.
If you are the spouse who has been left, letting go with love will be more of a challenge. I'm not suggesting you not set boundaries with the bad behavior of the spouse who has left. I understand that it is hard to feel compassion for someone who has cheated on you. It is almost impossible to show love toward someone who is victimizing you through the Family Court System.
There will be times when you need to be assertive and set boundaries because you do have a right to be treated with respect. Whether you are the leaver or the one left behind, I suggest you always remember the old saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
The easiest path to "letting go with love" is to never do to someone else what you wouldn't want someone to do to you. Keeping this idea in mind throughout the emotional and legal process of divorce will lead to less conflict and in the end a higher sense of self-respect.
It is OK to be angry, it is not OK to stay anger. It is OK to feel resentment, it is not OK to stay resentful. If you need to set boundaries and exert your rights during the divorce process do so kindly and gently.
3. Letting Go of Toxic Anger
"Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it's not allowed to harden into resentment or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people." Melody Beattie
The key to being able to use anger productively and in a beneficial way depends on how we react when feeling angry. The healthy way to react when angry is to become assertive. The unhealthy way to react is to become aggressive.
Being assertive when angry means you are able to express your needs and get those needs met without hurting others. I can hear you now, "wait a minute, my need is for him/her to stay in the marriage." And if that is what you are thinking then let me clear it up for you. When I talk of "needs" I am talking of those needs that are within your control. You don't have any control over whether or not your spouse chooses the marriage but you do have control over other issues and how you will be treated, how marital assets will be split and your co-parenting relationship with your ex.
Being assertive doesn't mean stomping your feet and digging in until you get your way. Your marriage is over, the need to keep your spouse in the marriage can lead to the unhealthy form of anger...aggression. Aggressive anger becomes pushy and demanding with no regard to what the other person feels they need or want.
Aggressive anger keeps you stuck, assertive anger helps you move forward with your life after divorce. If you are using your anger to get back at or punish your ex, you will be the one to pay in the end. If you are using your anger to make sure you are taken care of emotionally and legally during the process of divorce, you will reap the rewards of behaving in a healthy manner.
Whether it is divorce, the loss of a job, or the behaviors of a friend, things are going to happen in life that cause us anger. You have no control over the behaviors of others but you do have control over the way you respond to their behaviors. Controlling your anger and responding in an assertive way is the difference between your pain being short-term pain or long-term pain.
4. Letting Go of The Victim Role
I'll share a bit of personal information to make my point of how damaging it is to play the victim. My ex husband wanted a divorce, I didn't. I didn't fight him though because one of my long held beliefs about life has always been, "who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them."
We got our divorce, I didn't ask for alimony or make any unreasonable demands legally. He was given liberal visitation rights with our children even though he rarely took advantage of what he was given. He also became angry, aggressively angry.
He had to be angry and point fingers at me and blame me for this, that and the other thing because he had been raised to believe that good men don't leave their families. So, instead of being able to say, "I no longer want to be married," he had to say to the world, "I had no choice, she was so bad I had to leave." That got him off the hook, when it came to being labeled a bad man BUT it also turned him into a victim and he hasn't played that role well. But have you ever known a victim who played it well?
My ex needed the approval of others and since he new leaving the marriage would get attention, he didn't want it to be attention that would reflect negatively upon him. He had to sell me out so that he could look good through and after the divorce process. He wasn't the victim though and neither was I, we were parties to a situation that was changing and nothing more.
No one needs to play the victim role in life to get the love and attention we all crave. In fact, playing the victim role will get us less of the love we so fervently desiring. Bad things happen to good people. Good people make choices that may be viewed by others as a bad choice. Regardless of what happens to us or what mistakes we feel we make, owning our ability to stand on our own two feet regardless is the only way to get what we most need out of life, love and positive attention.
The most disturbing thing I've observed about my ex since our divorce is that he is someone who stands around and watches life happen around him. He is a very passive man who lives life by going with the flow. I can look back now and see that he was this way during our marriage and nothing has changed since the divorce.
And that is who the victim is, a person who doesn't take pro-active steps to make life happen for them. Life is something that happens to them. The victim doesn't make things happen, they wait until things happen to them.
Being the "victim" of your spouse's infidelity or desire to leave the marriage is a sure fire way of missing out on all of life's possibilities. Why not choose to be the victor instead of the victim and take control of the direction your life moves in?
5. Letting Go of The Need to Control
When in emotional pain one might struggle to remain in control of the situation in an attempt to lessen their pain. If we are busy trying to control what is happening to us, we are not able to see what could happen to us if we were more open.
I know a woman whose husband wanted a divorce. She fought him every step of the way during the legal process of the divorce. It was her belief that marriage was forever and she would do anything in her power to keep him from breaking up their family.
Many years later this woman is still trying to control the situation based on her belief that marriage is forever. In a perfect world marriages last, that was not her world though and she can't give over control to the fact that her marriage ended.
Her ex husband has a new wife and has moved on with his life. She is now putting most of her energy into changing state divorce laws to make harder to get a divorce. She and I share the belief that divorce laws are too lenient, the difference between she and I is that for her it has become an all consuming movement. She has shifted her need to control whether or not her marriage survived to controlling the laws that allowed her husband to divorce her.
I often wonder what she would be doing with her life if she had let go of her need to control whether her husband continued to love her. Or whether or not she had control over the legal system that allowed her husband to no longer love her.
Are you trying to control what course your marriage is taking? Are you bent and determined to control how another person responds to or behaves toward you? Stop and think about what you would be doing differently with your life if you only let go of your need to control that person.
When you wake up tomorrow, let go of your need to be in control. Choose to do something that will bring enjoyment to your life. At the end of the day you won't be able to deny that you've had a better day, so much better than those days when you are trying to control and influence others.
6. Letting Go of What You Want
This is a big one, probably the most difficult step you will take when dealing with negative emotions during the divorce process. Letting go of what you want entails changing your own mind about such an issue as whether or not your marriage remains intact. You will be called on, during the divorce process to let go of time with your children, marital assets and much more.
We can want something so desperately that it can feel like an actual need. It is easy to confuse our wants with our needs, especially during the demise of a marriage. You are going to be called on to negotiate and compromise on the issues above. If you can't let go of what you want (need) you won't be able to focus on what is in your best interest during divorce settlement negotiations.
A mother who has been left for another woman may cringe at the thought of giving up time with her children to a cheating husband. She will fight tooth and nail to keep him from gaining shared custody or even liberal visitation.
In her mind, her children are better off with her than a cheating scoundrel. She wants her children and dismisses the idea that even though he cheated on her, this father loves and wants his children also. This mother will put what she wants above what her children want...time with their father and that is when standing up for what you want does harm to not only you but others.
Think of it this way, we don't often get what we want but if we give up the struggle, we can get something better. You may still want your marriage but if you don't give up the struggle to get what you want, you will never know what else life has to offer in it's place.
You may resent paying child support and wish to retain that money for yourself but which is more important, getting what you want or showing your children their needs are important to you, important enough that you are willing to give up a want so they can have?
You are going to sit down with divorce lawyers or mediators and come to an agreement with your spouse about how life will be dealt with once the divorce is final. Coming to an agreement that benefits all concerned isn't going to happen if you are not able to let go of some of what you "want."
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-let-go-of-emotions-during-the-divorce-process-1103277
Learn the best ways to cope with trauma.
There's a silver lining to our day-to-day stress. It's so familiar to us—the irritation of traffic and adrenaline of deadlines—that we, hopefully, have learned how to cope. Ideally, we've got a healthy outlet, a favorite walk or a trusted friend to relieve the accumulation of life's little pressures.
But what about the really hard stuff—the realization of fears we rarely dare to voice, if at all? When the scan comes back with bad news, or a loved one suffers a devastating accident; then what? How does one cope with the kind of trauma that levels life in an instant?
According to experts in extreme stress, some strategies work much better than others. A key objective for anyone in stress is managing his or her "fight-or-flight" response—the evolutionary instinct that readies our bodies for danger with the energy and focus to battle a predator or run away. Unlike animals, whose response to danger subsides once the threat does, humans have the capacity to recall the trauma and fear for the future, says Steven Southwick, co-author of "Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life's Greatest Challenges" and professor of psychiatry, post-traumatic stress disorder and resilience at the Yale Medical School and the Yale Child Study Center. "We can keep ourselves stressed 24/7, and unfortunately stress can cause all sorts of problems," including, for example, injuring the very part of the brain that turns off the stress response, Southwick says.
According to David Spiegel, associate chair of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine and director of its Center on Stress and Health, people in extreme stress should keep these key points in mind:
1. Make a prioritized checklist of what needs to be addressed and tackle each item sequentially;
2. Don't be afraid to ask people for help;
3. Know your limits, and guard them;
4. Rest—take breaks, get lots of sleep, and "practice self-soothing";
5. Maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine.
In addition, the following strategies can provide comfort and relief:
1. Express your feelings. "Don't fight your emotions. Think of them as your friend, not your enemy," says Spiegel. There's a misconception among some that containing one's emotions contains the problem or that they "need to be strong" for their families by putting up a stoic front, Spiegel says. That not only doesn't work—it backfires. People end up "wasting energy fighting themselves," he says. Plus, releasing emotions brings people together, which is precisely what's needed in times of trauma.
2. Find social support. "People who are socially isolated have a two-fold elevation in all-cause mortality," Spiegel says, calling social isolation as much of a risk to one's health as smoking or high cholesterol. "And yet, when people get sick or in trouble, they often lose social support rather than gain it," he says. Spiegel, who runs support groups for women diagnosed with breast cancer, says such groups provide an opportunity to share experiences and advice. Everywhere else in life, that woman may feel like an outsider, the one with a "death sentence." But in the support group, "you belong."
Due to his research, Southwick has become so convinced of the power of social support that he now works with his patients to draw a diagram of their social networks, examining each individual involved to ensure that they are trusted and reliable. "Strength comes from social networks," he says. "We're all social beings.
3. Find a way to relax. Whether it's prayer, meditation or deep relaxation techniques, these acts offer a powerful antidote to stress. "You really can't be tense and relaxed at the same time. They're opposites," says Carol Goldberg, psychologist and host and producer of the New York-area TV show "Dr. Carol Goldberg and Company." She suggests, for example, visualizing a calming scene, repeating a soothing mantra or deep breathing from the diaphragm to boost oxygen supply and help rid yourself of carbon dioxide. "It's something that you always have within you. You don't have to get any equipment ... You can just close your eyes, and take some deep breaths."
4. Face your fears. "Most of us have a very difficult time doing that because it's unpleasant," Southwick says. However, "if you want to be resilient, sooner or later, you're going to have to face those things, or some of those things." In fact, "avoidance is at the heart of all anxiety disorders," he says. When veterans address post-traumatic stress disorder with a therapist, they expose themselves to theirs to try to make peace with them.
The trick is to reframe fear and face it before it devolves into a state of panic, which shuts down the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking. To conquer fear, you have to learn about it and understand it. And then, "when you do approach the fear, try to do it with someone who you really trust."
5. Find a role model. "We tend to learn through imitation," Southwick says. Look to others who successfully negotiate challenges, ask them about their coping skills, and try them out yourself. For example, if that person calls a friend during times of stress, you might consider that tactic.
For his part, Southwick has found role models in the research for his book. A young woman with spina bifida who won a gold medal for swimming in the Paralympics is one of them. She not only excelled in college, graduating with honors, but she swam an average of 26 miles a week. These days, when Southwick goes swimming, he often thinks of her as he's wrapping up his mile of laps, and says to himself: "What, are you kidding? Twenty-six miles a week ... I keep going."
Source: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/03/21/how-to-handle-extreme-stress
These 5 tips will help you feel victorious!
Making the transition from one half of a married couple with kids to being a co-parent is tough. One part of you never wants to see – much less communicate – with your ex ever, Ever, EVER again!
But another part recognizes that your ex is your kids’ other parent. And this part knows that your co-parent will be part of your life F.O.R.E.V.E.R…
You’ve got (at least) these two different perspectives warring within yourself every single time you have to interact with your ex. Every contact is a battle for you. And it’s got you completely stressed out.
You flinch when you hear your phone notify you of a new text. Your blood pressure soars when you see an email from her in your inbox. And when you know you’re going to see your co-parent you hardly recognize yourself.
The unhappy truth is that even though you’re not married any longer, your ex is still controlling you. And because she’s controlling you, she’s winning and you’re losing. Losing is not what you need right now. You’ve already lost enough with the divorce.
So it’s time to take control back, to get strategic about your co-parenting conversations, and to start winning again!
These 5 tips will help you feel victorious when you need to interact with your ex:
Limit conversations to only those necessary for conducting the business of co-parenting.
One of the most difficult parts of communicating with your ex is the emotional toll it takes on you. And the more you communicate the more painful it is. So limit your conversations to ONLY discussing co-parenting issues.
Decide on how you will communicate with your spouse.
There’s no way you’re going to get out of communicating with your ex because it’s a critical part of co-parenting, but you can choose how you will do it. Not every conversation needs to be through text or by phone. Decide what types of information sharing needs to happen by text, by phone call, by email, or in person.
Ideally, you’ll make this determination with your ex. However, if you need to do this on your own, do it today. Then, politely and firmly inform your ex of what you’ve decided. (She might test your resolve on holding to your decision and she might honestly forget what you’ve told her, so be ready for these situations.)
Decide when you will communicate.
Unless there’s an emergency, there’s no need for you to jump to respond to your co-parent right when she reaches out to you. You can choose when it makes sense for you respond. For example, you might want to set up a separate co-parenting email address and only check that inbox once a day for messages from your ex.
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And if you’ve already implemented the first tip you’ll know when you have to respond to something immediately.
Be business-like in your communication with your co-parent.
Choosing to interact with your ex in a business-like way and only for the purposes of co-parenting will go a long way toward helping you feel more in control of yourself and the communications.
(Business-like communication means that you’re brief, informative, friendly, and firm. To learn more about BIFF communication, check out Bill Eddy’s book on the topic.)
Visualize how you want to behave before you interact with your ex.
You probably go over every interaction with your co-parent that you feel like you’ve lost a million times thinking about how you could’ve or should’ve said or done things differently.
And what happens when you do this? You feel like sh*t.
Instead of beating yourself up for what has already happened, start imagining yourself behaving differently the next time you have to interact with her.
You might picture yourself using the irritating way she looks at you as a positive trigger instead of the negative one it is now when it makes your blood boil. Instead, imagine that when she looks at you that way you feel thankful you’re not still married to her. Then you can see her as just your children’s other parent who needs to be as good a parent as she’s capable of being because your children deserve that. And once you see her like that, you can easily imagine yourself interacting with her in a business-like manner because you’re doing it for your kids.
Repeat your visualizations of how you want to interact with your co-parent often. The more you imagine interacting with her in this new way, the more natural it will be for you to behave that way.
There’s nothing easy about learning how to co-parent. You’ll still have “conversations” with your ex as you begin using these 5 tips. And you may still feel like you’re losing some of them.
But persevere and be patient with yourself as you develop the skills to fully adopt each of these new ways of communicating with your co-parent. The rewards for doing so are that you’ll start feeling like more victorious and in control. But even better, your kids will win big because they’ll have at least one parent who sees themselves as a co-parent and not a battle-weary ex who is also a parent.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-win-your-next-co-parenting-conversation-wcz/
”Mom, are most divorced people like you and Dad, or do they usually hate each other?”
My son Caden and I are driving to a movie, just the two of us. Somehow, the other five children in our blended family are otherwise occupied, and we’ve ended up alone on a rare mother-son date. We’re both delighted - Caden for the one-on-one attention and me for the opportunity to hear what’s on his heart.
“I don’t know,” I say. “What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people hate each other.”
Caden keeps talking, cheerfully telling me about other kids in his middle school who act as their parents’ referees, message-relayers and peacemakers. He tells me about adults fighting on phone calls, kids anxious about custody exchanges, and friends who worry they’re clinically depressed. He’s in the seventh grade.
“Why don’t you and dad fight like that?”
I get this question often, though not from my children. Usually I get it from adults, looking for the magic reason my ex-husband Billy and I are friendly. Perhaps we had an easy divorce? No? There must be something unique about us, something that sets us apart from other divorced couples. The implication is that we are much too friendly to be a “real” divorced couple.
The truth is, there isn’t anything different about Billy’s and my circumstances. Our divorce was painful. We each hurt and blamed the other for our pain. We felt alone and rejected and as though we had failed life’s most important task - forming a family.
I tell Caden the truth. “Dad and I don’t fight because we decided early in our separation to make our divorce one wound.”
I can tell by the side-eye look he shoots me that he doesn’t understand, so I continue. Tween boys aren’t likely to ask additional probing questions, after all, and I want him to understand this.
“When we decided to end our marriage, we knew it would hurt the three of you. We knew it would be very hard for all of us. We also knew that we could hurt you once, and then each move on to finding our own happiness separately, or hurt you lots of times. Some parents hurt each other and their kids lots of times by staying together when their partnership doesn’t serve them anymore. Some parents keep hurting their families after they separate by fighting on every topic that comes up - time spent at each house, clothing, vacations.”
He’s listening.
I continue, telling him for the first time that Billy and I didn’t speak for months after we separated. He doesn’t remember that. I tell him, briefly, about the arguments we had when he and his brother and sister had fallen asleep. I share that even then, Billy and I agreed on one thing: the divorce would be the one big painful hurt we caused our children. We were united as a team on that goal, made in therapy as our marriage dissolved. Even when we were on opposite ends of seemingly every spectrum, we agreed on that topic.
“Dad and I still sometimes disagree. We’re different people. You know better than anyone, because you live with both of us. Our styles are different. We like to do different things. We discipline you differently. Dad interacts with Stephanie differently than I interact with Gabe. But we agree on the most important thing: you. We agree to coparent because it is what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I love you too much to ever hate each other.”
I remind him that hating his dad would mean I hated half of his heart. Filling my head and heart with anger about Billy would cloud the happy memories I have of our marriage, and the beginning of my adventures in motherhood. Choosing hatred instead of love would color the start my children’s story.
I’m human, of course. I don’t have only happy memories of our time together. I often disagree with my ex, even when I put the kids first and appear as a united team. I am confident he feels the same way: I can sometimes still catch the edge in his tone when he thinks I’m pushing too hard on something. Our history is messy, filled with hurt and anger. We’re divorced, after all. We chose not to continue hand-in-hand.
But we chose to coparent. We chose, each of us independently and even when we seemingly couldn’t agree on the color of the sky, to keep working as a team. Even when it got messy and complicated and seemed impossible, we kept trying. We looked at the three people we love most and let that love unite us. Our team goal is the same as any other family’s: keeping our children safe and whole.
Billy and I didn’t fail at forming a family when we divorced. Our commitment to our parenting partnership and our children’s childhood means we are forever united. We chose the path that kept our children healthiest and happiest in the long run, and we chose it together. In that way, we are like so many parents who remain married. Our choice to coparent peacefully binds us together.
Coparenting peacefully may seem like a lofty goal. You may not be in that place today. Your partner may seem miles away. I understand; Billy and weren’t always there. But coparenting peacefully is possible. Even for the couples who hurt the most. Even for couples who are miles apart. Start small. Love your babies and start today.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/do-you-love-your-kid-more-than-you-hate-your-ex_us_58fe01fde4b0f02c3870ec7f
The biggest lies you've heard about divorce recovery... debunked!
Maybe "lies" is a bit strong; maybe the words "myths" or "stories" work better. Regardless, there is a lot of pervasive misinformation (and bad advice) about divorce out there. So I'm here to help debunk it—because divorce is hard enough without accidently making it even harder.
I've seen so many people suffer needlessly when trying to recover from their divorce as a result of believing these untruths; if you're starting over again, don't let these lies influence you.
I also suffered from divorce recovery lies when I divorced. I believed the notion that all divorces are basically the same AND that I'd get over my divorce more quickly if I didn't think about it or allow myself to feel much anger about it.
I believed that if I started dating, it meant I must be over my divorce. I didn't understand that those were such false misconceptions. But I learned—the hard way. I don't want that to happen to you. There is no one way divorce "should" go. So here are the most false ideas about divorce out there. Don't let these "lies" limit you, your healing, or your truth:
1. All divorces are basically the same. Divorces are all different. Laws vary depending on where you live. Your marriage was not like anyone else's marriage because you and your ex-spouse are two unique individuals. Your divorce will be just as unique as you are.
There might be similarities between your divorce and someone else's that you can use to help with your divorce recovery, but it won't be the same.
2. It takes one year for every four years of marriage to get over your divorce. False.
From my experience as a divorce coach, everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to recover from their divorce. Some people who stayed married for years find it fairly easy to get through their divorce recovery, and others never do.
What I believe is that it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest in yourself and moving on with your life, as to how quickly you'll start to feel better again.
3. Everyone going through divorce has the same emotions in the same order. This is just so wrong. There are similarities to the emotions that people experience when dealing with divorce recovery, but everyone experiences them in a different order, in different intensities, and for different durations.
4. The pain of divorce decreases linearly over time. For most people, the pain of divorce is more cyclical than linear. At first the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly, but over time they tend to decrease in intensity and variety. Flare-ups occur at any time after they've decreased.
5. Once you think you're over your divorce, it never comes up again.As I mentioned in the discussion about the previous lie, the painful emotions of divorce can flare up after you think the worst is over. The times when people might see a flare up are at the holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, but not everyone does.
6. Your family members will always help you as you go through divorce. As much as I wish this wasn't a lie, it is. It's not so much a lie because you can't count on your family, but because most families don't know how to help you get through divorce ... unless you're getting through it exactly as they expect you to.
So, although most people can count on their families for help, they won't always provide the exact help you need and want, when you need and want it.
7. It's not OK to feel sorry for yourself. Now, I'm not advocating becoming a puddle of self-pity, but it's OK to feel bad for yourself when you're going through a divorce. The hopes, dreams, and expectations you had when you got married won't come true.
Most people experience grief when that happens. It's OK for you to feel some sadness for yourself; however, if that's the only thing you're feeling, you might want to reach out to someone and get more support to heal.
8. You'll get over your divorce quicker if you just avoid thinking about it. Stuffing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce is not the best answer. When I did this, I wound up with health problems, including anorexia and anxiety attacks. So, at least in my case, trying to ignore what was going on actually made things worse.
9. You should feel really angry at your ex. Most people feel anger at their ex at some point during their divorce, but it's not a requirement. There are examples of people who get divorced and actually gain the ability to communicate with each other.
I have some neighbors who are recently divorced; they went through a period of intense anger, but now communicate better than in the marriage.
10. Everyone gets depressed when they go through divorce. Most people experience sadness (sometimes intense sadness) when they get divorced, but sadness is not synonymous with depression.
11. If you haven't been married for very long, you should get over it quicker than someone who remained married for many years. There really are no rules about how long it takes you to get over divorce. I know of one woman whose husband asked for a divorce after nine months of marriage. Devastated, it took her about a year to get over the grief.
I know of another woman married for about a year and got divorced, but she was over it within a couple of months. I also know of people married for 10+ years who were over their divorce before the decree finalized.
12. There's a reason there's no divorce ritual/celebration or marriage funeral—they aren't needed. Despite the fact that for every two marriages in the US this year there will be approximately one divorce, divorce is still looked at as a process that isn't something to celebrate or recognize. Maybe we consider it too personal.
For many people, having public recognition of the fact that the marriage is over is extremely helpful in putting an end to the marriage and a beginning to a newly single life.
13. The intensity and length of your anger, depression, and loneliness are directly proportional to how invested you were in your marriage.Bull. The intensity and length of your emotions is directly proportional to your ability to accept and work through them.
14. There is something wrong with you if you feel like part of you died when your marriage ended. It's pretty common to feel like part of you died when your marriage ends. The part of you that was the spouse in your marriage is no more, and it's OK to grieve the loss of that role.
15. Every divorce attorney only has their client's best interests at heart.How I wish this wasn't a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Just like in any profession, there are good ones and not so good ones. Having an attorney who truly does have your best interests at heart can make your divorce recovery that much easier, as you're not as stressed about the legalities of your divorce.
16. You attorney is also going to help you recover from your divorce.As caring and supportive as your attorney might be, they probably aren't the best-equipped to help you recover from your divorce. However, they probably have a great referral or two for you to get the help you deserve.
17. Everyone takes anti-depressants when they get divorced. This is like when we were teenagers and told our parents that everyone else was doing it, so we needed to do it, too. It's just not true that everyone needs anti-depressants when they get divorced.
In my opinion, we've normalized depression and are ready to take a pill for a "quick fix," instead of really exploring what's going on.
18. Your ex is the reason your marriage failed. Even if your ex behaved in a way that necessitated your divorce, you still played some small role in the failure of the marriage. Even if that role was only agreeing to the marriage, the faster you come to terms with your part in the end of the marriage, the faster you'll be able to recover from your divorce.
19. You should feel really sad when you get divorced. You might feel sad, you might feel relieved, you might feel angry, OR you might feel some other emotion. There's no rule that says the only emotion you should feel during divorce is sadness.
20. You don't need any time to adjust to your newly single life; you should continue doing everything you were doing before just fine. The truth is that for most people, getting divorced is stressful. Any added stress makes doing what you've always done much more difficult. So please, be gentle with yourself when you're going through divorce and allow extra time to take care of YOU.
21. You should start dating right away. Not everyone feels ready to date when they get divorced. There's no reason that you must start dating right away. Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to date.
22. The sooner you get into another relationship, the faster you'll get over your divorce. This works for a few people, but most people need to have a little bit of time to get to know themselves again before jumping into a new relationship.
23. Getting divorced means you are a failure. Getting divorced only means that your marriage didn't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you as a person.
24. Your friends will always support you. This is another one I wish wasn't on this list of lies. Your friends will support you to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, for some, they might not have any ability to support you. The thing to remember is that they're behaving in ways that make the most sense to them, not necessarily in ways that make the most sense to you.
Be honest, how many of lies on this list do you believe? If you're like most people I work with, you probably believe most of them. Heck, I believed most of them when I got divorced.
So, here's your functional divorce assignment:
Which of the lies were you surprised to see on the list? Most of us don't realize that what we, and those around us, believe about divorce isn't true.
What beliefs do you have about divorce that you now wonder are lies?It's common for lists like the one above to trigger other thoughts about what other lies it should include. Here's your chance to explore some of your beliefs about divorce and decide if you still want to believe them or not.
How has reading this article changed your thoughts about your divorce recovery? When I share these fallacies about divorce with my clients, their first response is denial that they believe any of the lies. Then, when we dig a bit deeper, they recognize they might have bought into one or two of them. Once they make that discovery, we're able to directly address some of the obstacles they've had, and they're able to get through the remainder of their divorce recovery much quicker.
Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-karen-finn/lies-about-divorce-recovery
Long-gestating anger will never allow you to move forward emotionally. Instead, you are hanging on to someone that hurt you in a powerful way and your emotions are still too raw for you to do anything but linger in the past.
This will not be an article about the importance and power of forgiveness. I’ve already written about my issues with that philosophy. What I will talk about, however, is the responsibility you have to yourself and your children when it comes to managing anger issues towards your ex.
Responsibility is an interesting word. By definition, it means “a state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.” Is it your duty to deal with any anger that you may have towards your ex? Do you have an obligation or duty to raise and protect your children? I ask both of these question in full realization that anger towards your ex may be justified, especially if there was abuse, infidelity, abandonment or neglect of any kind. These are serious infractions. Unfortunately, the seriousness does not negate your responsibilities.
There is another question that comes to mind in this topical space. What is yourresponse ability? For your ex, it was likely lacking. Perhaps they lacked the ability to respond to frustrations in a mature and respectful manner and it led to verbal abuse. When temptation tapped them on the shoulder, they may have been the type to tap it back and disrespect you in the process. For them, responsibility and response ability were a bridge too far.
You are not them, however. As well, you are no longer with them. This already demonstrates a response ability on your part to teach people how to treat you. You also ensured that your children would not grow up watching a failed marriage play out in front of them. This is a responsibility that both parents have and yet you proved to be the role model that did the right thing. Great response ability on your part.
Without context to your situation, I, nor anyone else, can judge the validity of your anger. However, how you respond to that anger is what’s important. Do you control it or do you let it control you? When we let anger take over, there are several unintended consequences, a couple of which I would like to lay out here.
Anger unhinged will leave bodies in its wake. You may make rash decisions out of anger for your ex; decisions that negatively affect loved ones.
Samantha’s son Nathan really wants to switch weekends so that he could go on a fishing trip with his father (Rick). Samantha is still angry at Rick and is having a difficult time not letting her anger affect her decision. Nathan may suffer.
Erin has lingering anger issues with Ted. Her friends and family hear about it all the time and it puts a strain on conversations and relationships. In some cases, good friends have become complicated acquaintances.
You will never fully move forward as an individual. You and your ex have both moved on, at least physically. But long-gestating anger will never allow you to move forward emotionally. Instead, you are hanging on to someone that hurt you in a powerful way and your emotions are still too raw for you to do anything but linger in the past.
Once you are able to move past the anger, you will be able to begin channeling your emotions to a healthier, more personal journey of rediscovery and self-fulfillment. For every minute that you spend holding onto the past, that is one less minute you are moving forward.
Responsibility and response ability. Two things that you can decide to co-mingle or segregate. We all have responsibilities but not all of us have the response ability. There’s you, your children, your family, your friends, and your ex. Who within the many of these peeps deserves the least amount of your mental attention pointed in their direction? I think we both know the answer to this question.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/if-youre-still-angry-with-your-ex-read-this-dg/
