Divorce is never easy. But if you can find a way to come to an amicable agreement with your partner, you can save yourself a lot of time, money, stress and heartache. You’ll also make it a lot less painful for your children.
Divorce and separation is likely to be one of the most stressful times of your life. When you separate from your partner lots of changes happen at once, and you’re faced with so many as-yet-unknown factors, such as what will happen with your finances? And where will your children live?
The key to a less stressful and more amicable divorce (which is easier on everyone, and much less expensive) is to approach it in the right way. Keeping the process non-confrontational is likely to lead to longer lasting solutions.
To help you and your partner reach a more amicable agreement, Family law solicitor Angela Lally shares her advice.
An amicable divorce is better for everyone
The more that you can agree on with your partner, the better. If an agreement is reached between you about how the finances will be divided and what arrangements will be put in place for your children, you’ll retain control over your own lives without having the decision made for you by a court.
While an amicable approach may not always be possible and certainly there can be a lot of anger and anxiety involved in separation, if you are able to identify the issues and work towards an amicable solution this is more likely to result in a less painful separation.
If you have children together, you’ll remain a part of each other’s lives going forwards (you may be separating from each other, you do not cease being parents and being involved in decisions regarding your children’s future) so the more you are able to get on and agree, the better.
If your children see that you are getting on, it will make the process easier for them to cope with and come to terms with too.
Get your emotions in check first
One of the first points to consider is the emotional aspect of the separation. This is not dealt with by the legal process, but if you can come to terms with your emotions, it will help you to deal with the other aspects of your separation, such as finances and children, more easily.
Without your emotions clouding the issues, you can make more practical and informed decisions.
It’s a good idea to get help from a counsellor early on. A professional who is experienced in dealing with relationship breakdowns will help to guide you in the right direction, before things become bitter.
The three parts of separation
The process of separation can be broken down into the following parts:
- Divorce.
- Children.
- Finances.
1) What are grounds for divorce?
If you decide that the marriage should be brought to an end, either you or your partner can issue a petition for divorce in the court.
It’s not possible to end your marriage simply by saying there are ‘irreconcilable differences’ – you need to prove that it has broken down irretrievably by relying on one of five grounds set out by the law. These are:
- Adultery.
- Unreasonable behaviour.
- Two years’ separation with consent.
- Five years’ separation.
- Desertion.
So the only ‘no fault divorce’ is based on two years’ separation with consent, or five years’ separation.
You may feel that you cannot move on with your lives until you are divorced. Also, if you want to have a final financial agreement (or to ask the court to make a decision about finances) then there would have to be divorce proceedings underway.
If you have to rely on the ground of unreasonable behaviour, try and keep matters amicable by attempting to agree to the wording of the particulars of behaviour with your partner. The allegations could be kept as mild as possible.
2) How can you make it easier on your children?
Sit down and explain the situation to your children in language they can understand. Reassure them that you’ll continue to be their parents, and that they should not feel that they are in any way to blame for the separation.
Try to agree where your children will live, and how often they will see the other parent. Sometimes a shared care arrangement can be put in place.
The idea is to decide what works for you as parents, and what’s in your children’s best interests. No two families are the same so what works for one family may not work for you.
There are other factors such as work, child care and so on to factor in. The more you can agree on, the better. Also bear in mind that there needs to be flexibility. What works for your children when they are young may not work as they get older and as their commitments with school and friends changes.
If you agree the arrangements, there is nothing else you need to do – the court doesn’t need to approve them. You can record what you’ve agreed in a parenting plan which can help set out your expectations regarding the arrangements.
Advice from a relationship coach
Relationship coach Danielle Barbereau has the following advice to help minimise the impact of your divorce on your children:
Divorce is difficult for children. Do not use them as pawns or messengers. Never make them take sides, no matter how you feel about their father or mother. (This applies to children of all ages, including adult children.)
When children are young, they are likely to feel that the divorce is their fault. It is absolutely essential to reassure them that it is not the case and this comes before your own needs, at all times.
It’s okay to show sadness, but remember who is the adult and who is the child and behave accordingly. Not doing so does not attract any respect from anyone; neither will it solve anything, but it is sure to stress the child.
Even if teenagers look (and think they are) grown up, they are still children and you are responsible for their welfare, not the other way round. Always remember that children are the innocent party.
Keep the high ground, and make sure that you speak of your former partner with respect and facilitate access and contact (this does not apply if there has been domestic or sexual abuse, or if you have definite knowledge that your children are frightened of them).
Work on your self-esteem, learn to steady yourself when you feel upset (a relationship coach can help you through the worst).
Answer all your children’s questions according to their age.
And finally for you – retain a sense of gratitude and fun, don’t jump into another relationship and trust that the bad times will pass.
You can read more tips on how to handle children when you’re getting divorced here.
3) How should you separate your finances?
During your marriage you may have acquired assets such as a house, pension or savings. And when you separate, these assets are usually divided up.
The most stress-free way of dealing with matters is to agree between you who will have what. If you can’t then you may need someone to help you reach an agreement, such as a mediator or a specialist family solicitor.
There’s nothing set in stone stating who should have what, but generally speaking the longer the marriage, the more the law looks towards an equal division.
If you reach an agreement directly between yourselves or with the help of a mediator or solicitor, it’s a good idea to put the agreement in writing. This is called a Consent Order and once it has been approved by the court, there’s no going back on it (except in very rare circumstances). It finalises financial claims. Divorce itself does not end financial claims.
What if you can’t agree on a financial split?
If you are unable to agree, then you can ask a judge to decide. This is when it can become more costly. The judge will want to know what everything is worth (the value of the house, pension, business etc). Once all the figures are known, the judge will help you to negotiate a settlement.
Even when the court is involved, there is an emphasis on encouraging the couple to settle. Ultimately the judge can make a decision at a final hearing.
How to divide up your assets
So what things should you consider after you split up and are trying to divide assets? Start by making a list of what you’ve got, both jointly and in your sole names.
You should also take into account debt you have and decide whether this is ‘marital debt’ (debt you have accrued jointly during the marriage).
Try to agree on a value for the house and work out what is outstanding on the mortgage (if you’re unsure of value of your home, you could ask a local estate agent for an informal market appraisal).
Pensions are more complex. The value of the pension pot is the starting point but this does not always accurately reflect what the pension is worth, so often a pension expert is required to give an opinion as to how the pension should be shared and, if there are multiple pensions, what’s the best way of sharing them.
And finally, there is the issue of income. The person with main care of the children is entitled to child maintenance, but may also be entitled to spousal maintenance if there is a difference in your incomes.
Using mediation or collaborative law
If you’re struggling to agree then you can try mediation or the collaborative law process. This helps open up the channels of communication and facilitate an agreement. Court is the last resort and should only be used if you are unable to agree.
Family mediation is a process of resolving legal issues in a non-adversarial way. You negotiate your own settlement with the assistance of a mediator. This is based on the assumption that a decision to separate and/or divorce has already been made.
Don’t confuse mediation with counselling or marriage guidance. The aim is to help you reach an agreement in relation to issues arising out of the breakdown of the relationship.
Collaborative law allows you to meet together with your respective solicitors to discuss things reasonably and come to decisions together around the table.
Meetings usually take place at the solicitor’s office but with sufficient notice alternatives can be arranged – perhaps at a more neutral place. In this environment any issues can be discussed and hopefully resolved with future plans and division of assets being talked through in a calm and reasonable way.
When should you get legal advice?
It can be a good idea to get advice at an early stage to help clarify the issues and point you in the direction of a settlement.
If you’ve had legal advice from a family solicitors shortly after separation, you may feel more able to reach an informed decision about the arrangements for the children and the division of the matrimonial assets.
Source: https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/secret-amicable-divorce-separation/
So you married your best friend now you're getting divorced -- now what? As devastating as the idea of divorce sounds, it's not necessarily going to pan out negatively. In fact, we found lots of divorce success stories out there. We don't know what the ratio is with divorce success stories versus non-successes. But it's safe to say, there is light at the end of the tunnel, according to these divorcees...
1. Better as Colleagues
"I am a very successful divorcee. I married the love of my life, and after 12 years of a great partnership, we changed and realized we loved each other so much that we had to let each other go. Since we divorced, we have worked together professionally and love it! My 'was-band' found an amazing woman and we are both happier, healthier and love that we are still in each other's lives. You know the old saying, 'When you love someone, set them free?' Well, in our case, we came back to each other professionally and have a very deep love for each other. Friends called our divorce the 'divorce of the decade.'"
- Lorrie
2. Change is Good
"I got married at 20 and was completely insecure. I thought I needed a man to complete me, but I was comatose, walking through marriage without feeling alive. I was terrified my life was over but more terrified that if I left, no other man would want me. My husband wasn't bad to me -- I just got married too young and didn't even know what love was. My turning point was when some of my students dared me to rap. It led me to try, and stimulated me to see there was life beyond an unsatisfying job. My husband hated me being out so much. I was no longer the constant wife-y type, coming home from school to cook and clean and plan social dates with friends. Eventually, I decided that I needed to live instead of passing time. When I finally left I danced out and didn't take a dime in alimony. My freedom was worth everything and all I needed. I'm still good friends with my ex. It was very amicable. He was a good person, but couldn't handle me changing."
- Dalle
3. Lemons Into (Mentoring) Lemonade
"I was very inspired by my divorce. I have turned my lemons into lemonade. I am the founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, a 24/7 resource center that supports single-again women. When I divorced 14 years ago, I was searching for tools to help move my life forward, and to be the best role model for my children. That's when I became certified in the coaching field. I'm also a certified behavior consultant. I have been working with family law attorneys for years and have developed a program called "Single Again! Now What?", a 12-week program mentoring other divorcees. My joy is when I see a mom believe in herself again."
- Joanie
4. From Lies to New Love
"My first husband and I were married in a beautiful Catholic ceremony. About a year later, I came home from a meeting and my husband was at the kitchen table working on his laptop. He was in good spirits and indicated he was planning to go out to watch football with a group of friends from work. I thought nothing of it... At 2 a.m. the phone rang. It was my husband, telling me he had been arrested... He was charged with four felonies, including importuning and soliciting a minor for sex! He convinced me it was a misunderstanding. I endured the humiliation of his arrest being on television and the radio. I came to understand that our entire marriage had been a charade. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie. I eventually told him I wanted a divorce. I later learned that he had been cheating on me the entire time. I was so depressed... Finally, I woke up one day and discovered that I actually had it pretty good. I picked myself up and put away the wine glasses. I went to Europe for the first time. I bought my own house -- painted and decorated it myself. I decided to start dating again. I met a man on Match.com -- he proposed 16 months later. We have one son and another child on the way. I am truly convinced that everything happens for a reason."
- Maureen
5. Stronger than Ever
"I have been divorced for exactly a year now. I am finally in a great place! I haven't been this happy nor healthy (mentally and physically) in years. I was married for 20 years and began to grow in ways that my ex just couldn't understand. I went through a very difficult divorce -- my ex was very controlling and mentally abusive. I was scared to death to leave, but I began to get stronger. I have turned my story into a business called AndeLifeCoach.com, where I coach other people to find their 'authentic' true selves. I have never looked or felt better."
- Andrea
6. Friends for the Kids
"My ex-husband and I have an excellent working relationship. We share custody -- one week on, one week off -- and have agreed that we will always give each other the opportunity to have more time with the kids if we need childcare. We both agreed that it wasn't about us. It was about the kids, first and foremost. We are told by many divorced friends that we are fortunate to be good friends now, and should be the example of what divorced parents should be."
- Natalie
Source: https://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813855/6-divorce-success-stories-1
It can be shattering at first to be apart from your spouse. But "one" doesn't have to be the loneliest number: after you've grieved, adopt a positive attitude towards your situation. Take advantage of your freedom, and be who you want to be. This is the way to enjoy sudden singlehood – and maybe even prepare for a new, fulfilling relationship.
There are many reasons why divorce recovery can be a slow and painful process: there’s the plummet in your self-confidence after being rejected by a longtime partner; there’s the loneliness, the feeling of not being whole without somebody to share your life; and there’s the disillusionment in marriage as the great happily-ever-after, or at least in your own marriage as “the real thing.” You’ll grieve the loss of what you thought was marital bliss, and this is a normal and necessary stage.
What could be more painful than the loss, however, is the fear of being single. How will I cope? you wonder. It’s scary to start over by yourself after depending on your marriage for so long. You may have merged your identity so closely with your spouse’s – defining yourself as half of a couple, not as an individual – that you can’t imagine continuing on your own. Perhaps you don’t know if you’re strong enough to take care of yourself without a spouse’s help. Or you’re ashamed of singlehood in a society defined by relationships. Will I survive? Will I be of use? Can I still find happiness?
The answer to these questions, hard to believe as it may be, is a resounding YES! More than you know, in fact, and in ways you can’t foresee while in the early stages of divorce recovery. But it will take time and effort on your part. Reinventing yourself as a single person will be challenging, but through patience and positive thinking, you’ll do it, and the rewards will be more than worth it.
Therapists Robert Alberti and Bruce Fisher, in their book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, claim that “singleness has become an acceptable alternative in our society. A generation or two ago, a single person was looked upon in the community as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar.” As popular beliefs have changed with society’s transitions, so you must make changes when you move from being in a couple to being on your own. The most important change is in your mind. As Shakespeare said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Singleness can be a productive and happy experience if you consciously choose to think of it that way.
Some people discover to their surprise that the single life following divorce is full of new advantages. In such cases, their marriages were barriers to the lives they wanted; now they’re free to live to the fullest. This is not to suggest that marriage is a bad thing, or that single people are always happier than married people. But not all relationships are completely beneficial: one that involves physical or psychological abuse, or a power imbalance, or even boredom and monotonous routine, is repressive and unhealthy for both people. Renewed singlehood is often a major turning point in lives like this.
There are three basic stages toward personal fulfillment during this time:
- Finding and being yourself
- Making use of your extra time
- Reinventing your life through personal interests and/or a new career.
To Thine Own Self Be True
In your marriage, you thought you’d found your place in the world; when that place is suddenly gone, you may feel disowned and lost, wondering who you are and what your purpose is. What’s important to realize is that your relationship was made foryou, and not vice-versa: you exist as an individual regardless of whomever you have attached yourself to. “The day you wind up single through divorce or separation is the day you get to test who you really are,” writes Ernie Zelinski in his bestseller The Joy of Not Being Married. “Learning to enjoy being single involves the ability to experience everything through your own essence, instead of living vicariously through a spouse or partner.”
This is the first step: learning to stand on your own. This doesn’t only mean taking care of yourself: it means understanding your own personality. Only on your own, without connecting your life to somebody else’s, can you fully explore your needs, wants, likes, dislikes, and goals.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a leading expert on relationships and communication, believes that all people are meant to be coupled, and that a permanent single lifestyle will never satisfy the necessity for growth and love through relationships. However, he does see singleness in a positive vein — as a growing stage between adolescence and marriage. In an ideal society, “singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons,” Dr. Hendrix writes in Keeping the Love You Find. “It would be sorely needed relationship training.”
Unfortunately, many people miss out on this important training. They were taught by tradition to get married as soon as they could and to establish themselves in a nuclear family setting. As Fisher and Alberti point out, these people “never learned to be single persons before they married. They went from parental homes to marriage homes, never even considered that one could be happy living as a single person.”
Most people have a lot of living to do before they’re truly ready to settle down into responsible family lives. Marrying before you’ve sown your wild oats may have caused you to bring a lot of unnecessary baggage into the relationship. After divorce, it may be necessary to make up for lost time in terms of self-discovery. “Many divorced or widowed people,” Dr. Hendrix observes, “do with their singleness what they should have done before they married for the first time: live alone, find their own rhythms, date a variety of people, go into therapy, develop new friends and interests, learn how to live with and care for themselves.” These are the ways young people learn who they are and what makes them unique. But if you’re newly divorced, it’s not too late to follow the same path.
It’s important to learn as much as possible about somebody before you marry or live with that person. To live with yourself successfully, you’ll have to go through the same process. You could even ask yourself the questions you might ask a prospective date, to get to know him or her. “What do I like to do for fun?” “What are my dreams and goals?” “What’s a nice person like me doing in a place like this?” And when you answer, be honest with yourself. Your own answers may surprise you, if you look inside and ignore outside influences. Many of us have been so influenced early on — by our family, friends, teachers, employers and social norms — in our habits and opinions that we deny the truths about our own personalities to ourselves. Is that what led you to marrying unsuccessfully the first time?
As La Rochefoucaud put it, “Being alone is a markedly different experience from being lonely.” You might find yourself a fascinating companion.
Time is on Your Side
“We are always getting ready to live,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “but never living.” How true: we spend so much of our lives working — both professionally and in domestic ways — and seldom have time to fully enjoy the fruits of our labor, or even life’s free pleasures. Our family responsibilities can become a 24-hour job and get in the way of all the things we’d love to do. As a result, even when we do find some free time, we don’t have the energy left over to do much else besides rest.
The next step in turning the lemon of sudden singleness into lemonade is using the extra time you never had during the marriage. “Many have spent their free, recreational time in the past doing what the spouse wanted or what they had learned to do with their parents,” write Fisher and Alberti. “Your assignment now is simply to take the time to develop a new interest.” It helps when you know yourself well enough to decide what new interest suits you the best.
You may have dreamed about what you’d love to do with your life — big, ambitious projects or small, private pleasures — but dismissed them as hopeless fantasies, while assuming that time with your spouse, or catering to your spouse’s needs or wants, was more important. Now that the barrier of your marriage is gone, your dreams and desires may be obtainable. If your breakup has left you with too much time on your hands, seize that excess time and make it work for you.
“Making the most out of being single,” says Zelinski, “means taking advantage of the freedom to create a lifestyle that is adventurous, exciting, and rewarding for you.” And you can live this lifestyle without any worry that a significant other might not approve.
Suppose that you’ve always wanted to travel abroad, but couldn’t because your partner was afraid of flying, or couldn’t take time off from his/her career, or just didn’t want to. Well, now’s your chance. Have you had a book inside you for years that has been dying to get written? Nobody’s stopping you. If you have children, you’re free to spend your time building on your relationships with them — without a spouse around to judge or limit your influence upon them.
The possibilities are limited only by your imagination and determination. You can finish that college degree, go to the neighborhood bar anytime, do charity work, join a night class, stay out all night, flirt with anybody you please. With the freedom of time comes the freedom of action. You don’t have to share the bathroom or the remote control; you can watch TV or read or eat in bed without disturbing someone else; you can choose which furniture, food, and clothes to buy based on your own tastes. Even if your divorce has left you with far less money than you had coming in as a couple, at least you get to choose how to spend it.
“It’s a great time in your life to explore your internal self and get grounded,” explains Lloyd MacNeil, a brand director with Telepersonals/Webpersonals in Toronto. “When you’re in a couple, you tend to get caught up in the day-to-day of life; you ignore yourself and your own needs. It’s also a great time for bonding with other singles and other friends, and meeting new people through that.”
Yet while it’s a brave step to make your own schedule, make sure your actions and plans are grounded in reality. Take practical issues — your financial resources, your parental and career responsibilities, your health — into vital consideration; you don’t want to make any foolish sacrifices or mistakes. Also be sure to plan carefully: don’t act too quickly without thinking of a safety net.
After his divorce was finalized, Peter, a dentist in Chicago, decided to fulfill his dream of travelling across the USA in a sportscar. Responding to an ad for a 1969 MG convertible, he hopped on a plane to San Francisco. The car was being sold by an elderly widow, who told Peter that the MG hadn’t been out of its garage in 15 years. Undaunted, he bought the car, paid a local mechanic to give it a basic tune-up and new tires, and set off on his cross-country adventure.
About 200 miles into his journey, the engine seized, stranding him in the middle of nowhere. When he finally got the car towed to a garage, he found that it would need a new engine — not to mention brakes, clutch, exhaust, and radiator — to become roadworthy. Peter now has to pay to store the car at the garage until he can afford the massive repair bill. “I should have had the car checked out more thoroughly before I bought it,” he admits ruefully. “I’m no mechanic: a new car would have been a better choice for me.”
You may be tempted to try to circumvent the grieving stage by plunging yourself into non-stop adventures or new relationships. This is a mistake that will come back to haunt you: you must feel the pain of the death of your marriage, then release it in order to be truly free.
If you weren’t the motivating or decision-making spouse in your marriage, sudden singlehood may leave you unsure of what to do with yourself; you don’t know how to make your own plans. The good news is that you can learn — and the more you practice, the better you’ll get at making decisions. If your judgment is a little shaky right now, bounce your ideas and plans off a friend with good judgment.
The bottom line is that you don’t want to use this time to do things you’ll regret later, or fail to do things you’ll regret missing out on. It’s a bad idea to try to make up for your loss by overspending, or overeating, or bedhopping with everyone you meet. That can be just as fatal as getting too caught up in your grief and putting your life on pause. Always think of the consequences of your actions: the saddest words you could end up uttering are, “I made a terrible mistake.”
New Directions
Once you learn who you are as an individual, you’ll find that there are many options open that you had no idea existed. You can renew yourself by devoting your single life to stimulating new interests and goals.
This may be a good time to examine your career path. Do you like your job? If not, consider the services of a career counselor or a “head hunter” to find a new, fulfilling job for you. Your local employment center might be able to help you find what kind of work would best suit your personality and give you the most inner satisfaction. But unless you’re independently wealthy, you shouldn’t quit your present job without having accepted a new position first. This is especially true if you have support obligations or custody of children; the extra freedom of singlehood doesn’t exempt you from your financial or parental responsibilities, which may limit your options.
A person who makes enough money to live on and support dependants at a job that he or she genuinely likes will be far happier than someone making a lot more money doing something he or she dislikes. Some people choose specific career paths not because their hearts are in them, but to earn enough to provide for a marriage and/or family, plus the material perks that accompany them (suburban house, two cars, etc.), either present or planned. Suppose that when your marriage is dissolved, you don’t have (or need) that big house or additional car anymore. What’s the use of winning the extra bread if it doesn’t satisfy your need for personal accomplishment?
Marie, a former sales clerk, took a job as a tour operator in Mexico after her divorce. She’d yearned to travel and see other cultures all her life, but her ex-husband had disliked going anywhere and she had sacrificed her desires for the sake of her marriage. Her post-divorce career gave her the chance not only to find herself through a job that she enjoyed more, but also to see Mexico and other places. Obviously, she’d found a solution that brought her a much happier life.
Then again, you may be happy with your present job regardless of how modestly you live. In fact, it may also be a good idea —if it doesn’t interfere with your relationships with your children — to focus your energy on your career to move up in the world. If you have kids, ask your friends and family to pitch in as babysitters to enable you to take night classes to upgrade your skills.
But you may not necessarily be satisfied with your life accomplishments outside of your career — especially if your marriage and family consumed all of your non-work time. That’s where you have to find new passions, or rekindle old ones — both to make use of your mental and/or physical skills in a constructive way, and also to meet new friends. It’s up to you, once you’ve gotten to know yourself and what activities you enjoy, to decide what’s right for you. Do you want to join a local sports league? Build model ships? Start a side business in another field that interests you?
One popular choice for a post-divorce pursuit is learning to dance. It’s not only a great way to keep yourself fit and active, it also boosts your self-confidence. “It isn’t unusual for dancers to meet a future life partner on the dance floor,” says Craig Marcott, the author of Three Minutes of Intimacy: Dance Your Way to a Sensational Social Life, who credits the currently huge turnover in the singles market to “a constant influx of new people resulting from divorce.” Marcott encourages people to try dance lessons as a way of diverting their attention from grief, having fun, and getting exercise again. “You don’t have to be a Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers to enjoy dance,” he says.
Psychologist Pat Hudson suggests escaping from divorce-related grief through creative endeavors. “Your mind is a potential playground,” Hudson writes in You Can Get Over Divorce. “As long as you know you are playing, you are developing the creative side of you, having fun, often indirectly dealing with your feelings, and healing at the same time.” Hudson gives writing or drawing as examples; you could also join a community theater. Tom, a New York based sales rep, discovered painting shortly after his divorce — and it has become one of his greatest passions. Now happily remarried, he continues to paint, and even decorates the walls of his home and office with his art.
You might even find that creative interests lead you to that more satisfying new career. Scottish author J.K. Rowling, known for the immensely popular Harry Potter children’s books, is one example of somebody who switched career tracks after her divorce — and succeeded phenomenally. This is not to imply that everybody has the talent to become a world-renowned artist or entertainer. But even if you have to keep your day job, finding a constructive creative outlet for your fantasies is one of the best ways of enjoying yourself while single. If your divorce-related emotions are too strong to escape through fantasy, use creativity as an outlet for your feelings, as a sort of primal therapy. Write about your anger and your pain. Make art out of your suffering. “Given the time, space, and urge, we all have the potential to be artists,” writes women’s activist Victoria Jaycox inSingle Again: A Guide for Women Starting Over. “Most of it is trained out of us as we grow up and enter the serious worlds of learning and work.” Singleness can be the chance to rediscover the artist within you.
Divorce isn’t the end of your life. It can be a second beginning in which you plan everything differently: you take roads you haven’t traveled, explore new options, and perhaps transform yourself into something you couldn’t have imagined being.
Life is Beautiful
“Everyone who experiences the breakup of a partnership suffers the same depths of pain and endures the same devastating emotions,” writes relationship counselor Angel La Liberte (writing under the name Christina Basciano) in Relationship Breakdown: A Survival Guide. “Yet, as we recover and create new lives out of the ashes, we generate new identities that are truly unique, truly our own.” You achieve this by taking control of your life, rather than letting the pain continue to bring you down. You can do and be what you want. You can set free your inner longings that have been aching to materialise.
But the benefit that may surprise you most is the likelihood of your attracting a new partner and starting a relationship with far more lasting power than the first. Why? Because after you’ve made use of your new life to better define who you are, you’ll attract someone who loves the real, essential you that you’re no longer afraid of – or prevented from – revealing to the world. And even if you don’t find your true soulmate right away, you won’t be lonely. You’ll find new friendships: ones that will last because your new friends enjoy the “real” you that you’ve discovered.
Renewed singleness is the time to thrive and show the world your true colors by taking full advantage of your new freedom. The most satisfying life you can have is one that you can look back upon and say to yourself proudly, “I did it my way.”
Expert Tips for the Newly Single
“Be conscious of what you tell yourself. Negative, dangerous thoughts like ‘I’m too old’ or ‘who’ll want me after what I’ve been through?’ keep us from moving forward. Cultivate an optimistic attitude, and more good things will happen.”
– Debra Burrell, CSW, New York therapist and “Mars and Venus” workshop instructor
“Divorce produces a mixture of feelings, from relief that the fighting and struggling are over, to sadness that the hopes of a lifetime together have evaporated. Newly divorced people must not focus only on the short-term relief while ignoring the more long-term sadness. Renewing yourself as an individual must include learning how to complete what the divorce left emotionally unfinished, so you won’t be defined by the pain you carry forward and thereby sabotage future relationships.”
– Russell Friedman, executive director of The Grief Recovery Institute in California
“You can go back and take a deeper look at who you are and how you relate to other people. It’s an exploration phase: you begin to re-evaluate how to form friendships, what gives you satisfaction at work and what doesn’t, and what gets you excited on the dating scene.”
– Jamie Weiner, Psy.D., co-creator of Associates for Life Challenges in Chicago
“All human beings have the ‘right stuff’ to enable new possibilities to emerge. As the painful emotion associated with divorce subsides, it slowly opens the mind to the creative energy to imagine new scenes, new characters, and new scripts. Divorce is but one scene in an unfolding process of reproducing ourselves one moment at a time.”
– Dr. Ken Celiano, Chicago therapist and divorce coach
“There’s the opportunity to finally be able to do things you previously felt inhibited doing. Many people find that as time goes by, once they’ve gotten over their grief, they take on major career changes, new hobbies and interests, personal growth.”
– David Whealey, M.Ed., founder of Separated Anonymous in Toronto
Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/happily-single/
Divorce and shared custody suits me, and it suits my kids, too.
Divorce hits with a particular brutality when small children are involved. My ex-husband and I agreed to joint custody, and we co-parent amicably, so our situation is better than most. And yet, adding to my initial anger, disappointment, and shame about the end of the relationship was a heavy layer of guilt for forcing our children to trundle back and forth between us, wishing there was a GPS tracking device for the baseball gloves, soccer cleats, library books, and loveys that always seemed to be at the wrong house.
Those transitions were awful at first. Kissing my daughter’s tear-stained face while she clung to me—and trying not to cry myself—was wrenching in a way that seemed to symbolize the larger demolishment of our family. And don’t get me wrong: I still have those moments. But after we settled into a familiar schedule, part-time parenting turned into a strange kind of gift.
Here’s the truth: Having my two children half the time is exactly the right amount, and I cannot imagine my life any other way. Unhappily married in a 1,200-square-foot flat with two toddlers and an aggrieved spouse, I was physically and emotionally suffocated. Now the same space feels positively palatial, particularly when I am the only person in it.
I know how I am supposed to feel about my divorced-parent reality. A good mother would be devastated to lose thousands of dinner-bath-bedtime-story evenings. A good mother would be heartsick to wake up alone. Deprived of her children full time, a good mother would feel sorrowful and bereft.
Not me. I rarely feel bad when my kids are with their father. For a while, I felt bad for not feeling bad. Finally, I realized what plenty of other divorced moms figured out long ago: Divorce suits us, and actually, it suits our kids. Staying together “for the sake of the children” is not doing them any favors. Kids know everything. They know when they’re serving as the glue to hold together a teetering house of toothpicks that should have been dissembled a long time ago. They need joy and security. Cordial exes may be in a better position to give them those things than a married couple who make each other miserable. Most women don’t say so, though, for fear of getting tarred and feathered.
There is, rightly, a growing acceptance that it is not necessary to be Ward and June Cleaver to produce happy, successful, well-adjusted offspring. Families come in all shapes and sizes now, biological, fostered, and adopted, and in any number of racial, ethnic, religious, and gender combinations. What’s less accepted is the idea that divorced co-parents can produce happy, successful, well-adjusted offspring. Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. Many more are deeply unhappy, even toxic. Some people stay together out of fear—of being alone, of the social stigma of divorce, of what are often profound economic consequences. Fear that the alternative could be worse is not a foundation for a happy union, and yet we cling to the idea that children need two full-time parents under the same roof to thrive.
Could the converse be true—that some parents are better as part-timers, and their children are better off as a result? I have always liked to spend time by myself. What I did not realize is how much my parenting would improve if I got to spend time by myself. Many of the things I need to feel human are child-unfriendly. These include having time to write, work, go running, and have long, lazy conversations with friends over drinks and dinner. Many of the things that make me feel subhuman involve the endlessly repeating, mind-eating, vocabulary-impoverishing rituals—the butt wiping, teeth brushing, and hand washing of wriggling, resistant bodies, the “no, no, NO”—that constitute much of child rearing.
When I was married, my coping method was to retreat to an inner world with virtual but soundproof walls. “You’re not present” was the common refrain. Often that was true. Rather than live in the slow-motion moments of tantrum throwing and sibling-on-sibling violence, my mind went elsewhere: to the book I was writing, to a case I was working on, to anything except the two small people actually in front of me. Who wants to be “present” for this? I wondered as I crawled around the kitchen floor on my hands and knees trying to sop up every last smashed Honey Nut Cheerio with a wet paper towel.
“You are getting on my last nerve.” That is what my eighth-grade math teacher used to tell my class before the hammer came down. I envied her, because the warning implied that she had more than one nerve that we could hop on before she lost her mind.
I told myself to be grateful. Not everyone who wants children gets to have them. But knowing that motherhood is a piece of good fortune did not help me enjoy rainy weekends, endlessly accumulating laundry, and the nonstop whack-a-mole of tidying up.
Now it is different. Time reduced by half becomes a scarce and precious resource. I am far more able to be present knowing that, sooner or later, I get to be absent. I like the control that comes with deciding when we will do what. I like the freedom that comes with having my approach to motherhood go unremarked upon. My lapses in judgment occur in relative privacy, and as a result I have fewer of them. It is so much easier and more joyful to be a mother without an ever-present accusatory eye. It is so much easier and more joyful to be a mother knowing there is a reprieve.
By Day 5 with the two of them—outnumbered, outsmarted, and outrun—I am done. Seeing my ex-husband’s car coming into the driveway, I exhale with relief.
On the flip side, by Day 5 on my own, I am sad and lonely, particularly if there were no intervening school events, sports games, or joint family outings. But missing my kids has a positive effect on my parenting. When their dad drops them off and they ring the doorbell over and over, yelling “Mom!” as they jump up and down, I rush down the stairs to let them in. I feel happy and grateful and head over heels in love.
Source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2017/06/divorce-and-shared-custody-suits-me-and-it-suits-my-kids-too.html
"There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm." John H. Vincent
Negative emotions in a marriage, such as anxiety or anger, help us mobilize resources for a challenge. They are your brain’s short-term alarm system, telling you to pay attention because there is a problem, or perhaps opportunity for growth. In order to become our best selves, we must listen to our negative emotions and make a change - whether that’s individual or couples therapy, separation or divorce.
Divorce is incredibly painful. It touches every aspect of life - your children, where you will live, your financial situation, how you engage with your social circle and extended family, and of course your emotional well-being.
How can you stay optimistic during a divorce with all this turmoil? Optimism is the belief that things will eventually get better, even if now is bleak. A divorce is your personal commitment to doing the hard, painful work right now to create a happier, more authentic life for yourself in the future. Whether or not you chose to initiate the divorce, you are moving forward, believing that it will get better.
As you go through such a painful and complicated transition, it may seem impossible to maintain optimism and have a healthy divorce. Here are five strategies to remember and put to use when you are feeling stuck or low.
1. Take stock
Look at what areas of your life are going well and where you feel capable. Many people think that they are a total failure because of their divorce. However, your marriage was only one area of your life. What else is working? Where else do you feel successful? By identifying areas of your life in which you have success and mastery, you remember that this one event does not define all of you.
2. Find a balanced viewpoint
Yes, some things may be more challenging in the short term. You may have to still interact or co-parent with your former spouse. You may feel extremely sad and lonely for a little while. However, like many other journeys in life, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. By letting the marriage go you allow yourself the chance for calm and contentment. Remember past examples of when you persevered through a difficult time and came out stronger.
To stay optimistic during divorce, try to see this difficult time as a personal commitment to building a better life. -Ruth Feinblum, Therapist, Philadelphia
3. Create a calmer perspective
Blaming yourself or former partner can leave you feeling bitter and angry. Many people that divorce think they failed at their marriage and that leads to feelings of shame. Others feel intense anger at the spouse that couldn’t be there for them. However, it helps to find a calmer thought. If you choose to think that your former spouse is not a bad person that meant to hurt you but that they don’t work well with you anymore. This type of thinking tends to calm you down and allows you and your former spouse to interact more peacefully in the future.
4. Allow yourself relief
The marriage wasn’t working. Without bitterness or contempt (both of which just harm you) what are you relieved about as the marriage ends? People leave when problems outweigh connection and when they don’t like who they are in the marriage. What are the problems, challenges and arguments that are you are released from once the marriage is done? How will letting go of this set of problems lead you to a more contented life?
5. Figure out if there's something to learn
With curiosity and compassion, ask yourself; what do you want to be different next time? Perhaps your partner had different views on fidelity, did not share your values, or had a different approach to careers. If you can figure out what would work better in the next relationship, then the divorce becomes a learning experience. Learning experiences are often challenging, but invaluable to your personal growth.
Source: http://www.mainlinedivorcemediator.com/healthy-divorce-blog/5-strategies-to-stay-optimistic-for-a-healthy-divorce
Life during and after a divorce can be crippling, but there are many reasons to stay positive. Psychologist Michael Jolkovski posed the question to me: Why should there be any trouble holding one's head up after a divorce? 'Shame is a big part of why divorce is always more painful and disruptive than anyone anticipates,' Jolkovski points out. 'At some level, a divorce feels like a giant failure in one of the biggest projects in life.' It takes a lot of emotional work to get through these feelings and to feel better again. But, we believe in you. You can do it. Read 10 reasons why you should stay positive after a divorce -- they may help you along the way...
10 . What is Marriage, Anyway?
"I would encourage your readers to reflect on how they built up their understanding of what a marriage is. This begins very early in childhood, in play with dolls and drawings and make-believe with friends, which often center on some notion of family," Jolkovski explains. "These notions are running quietly in the background in adults as unconscious assumptions, which can have a brutal collision with adult reality. This reality includes facts of life such as that people come to marriage with wildly differing understandings of what it is all about; that we cannot make anyone love us, no matter how wonderful we try to be, and that none of us has that much control over the way life plays out." Instead of focusing on the failed marriage, Jolkovski suggests to realize your resilience and flexibility.
9. You Did Something for You
Peggie Arvidson has been divorced twice, and she admits it's not easy. "I guess the best reason for holding your head up, though, is knowing that you did something for you. Not in the selfish, 'It's all about me' way or in the way of making him a bad guy and you look like the victim, but rather I could hold my head up knowing that I had done a lot of inner work to make a decision that was harder than most people think and I was going to honor me," she explains. Arvidson also points out that in the process, you'll come to trust yourself more, realize that you're strong enough to take a stand, and understand that you learned something along the way.
8. Your License to Reinvent
Faith McKinney, who's been divorced twice and has been remarried now for seven years, thinks the new start is a positive change. "The great thing about divorce is that it is a license to reinvent yourself without your ex-husband's input or criticism," she explains. "I learned to trust myself and that it's OK to enjoy myself." McKinney began to make mistakes without fear of reprisal or retaliation. "Even though it is very difficult emotionally, financially and socially, I survived. Twice."
7. Anything is Possible
For Emma, blogger of DivorcedBefore30.com, the divorce gave her a sense of invincibility. "You'll have good days and atrociously bad days, but on the good days, you'll see that anything is possible," she explains. "People are, for the most part, gracious. You will have fun again as soon as you give yourself permission to let go."
6. Here's to Good Family and Friends
Don't forget about the people on your team! "Your friends and family will be there to help you pick up the pieces -- let them," Emma advises. The love will have your head up in no time. You just have to stop and smell the roses (and by "smell the roses," we mean recognize the people that love you).
5. Looking Good
For those getting divorced, a transformation is inevitable -- that's something to look forward to, according to Andrea Gross, lifestyle coach who's writing a book called, When You're Ready. She's happily divorced and has never been happier. "There were days and even weeks and months that I could barely function. Now, only one year later, I look and feel better than I did 10 years ago." People ask Gross what her secrets are, and that is the reason she started her practice. The secret? "I have found inner happiness and strength -- I am my authentic, sexy, confident self again."
4. Letting Go
It's grand -- it really is. "If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger -- it's self-destructive. Let go," says Tina Tessina, a.k.a. "Dr. Romance" and a licensed psychotherapist. "Do your grieving, cry, write in your journal and talk about it alone or with a trusted friend." You can even have a fun "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life, she suggests.
3. Relief
For Ron Thomson, who has been divorced twice with no animosity, fighting or children, believes one reason to keep your head up is because of relief. Although both of his ex-wives were the ones who initiated the breakup and wanted the divorce, Thomson did keep his head up. "Whatever problems we were experiencing are now over," he recalls. "It hits you later that your family is gone and you are alone." At either case, you get to start over again, Thomson points out. "To me the women lost out on a good man. That's a good reason to hold your head up," he adds.
2. When You Put Your Kids First
Sometimes taking the higher road is another way to keep your head up. Don't be negative -- think of the transition for the kids. "You can keep your head up if you manage to put your own needs aside for the kids. I don't mean stay married, but, during divorce and beyond, put the kids first," says Lauren Whitman, author of Austin's Best Idea Ever. "When my (now) husband and I were first together, he missed his daughter terribly. I encouraged him to stay in touch with his daughter daily and to tell her that he loved her often. I think he felt supported in keeping that connection strong since I took that position."
1. Look to the Future
Alicia Rinaldi, a family attorney who has also had to mediate in a multitude of family law matters, reminds us not to forget about what's to come. "I'm not a trained therapist or social worker, but I try to encourage my clients to see past the present so that together we can get them to a better place in the future," she says. "While the stress of experiencing a divorce or strife in your family life is certainly great, keeping an eye towards the future helps put things in perspective so that setbacks don't derail the case."
The transition of divorce can be extremely rewarding -- being in a toxic relationship can stifle a person's dreams and expressions, but separation from it can also be a stepping stone to teach you what you need out of a partner, and what you want out of life.
Source: https://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/813740/10-reasons-to-stay-positive-after-a-divorce-1
How ex-spouses and their kids can cope after divorce and move beyond the pain.
Sixteen years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels' husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce -- but he wouldn't tell her or their kids why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Michaels close to death.
Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalized, she risked losing custody of them permanently.
Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own, and begun a web site exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce.
Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. But as Michaels' story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.
WebMD spoke with the pros -- adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counselors who help people survive the effects of divorce -- to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time.
1. Seek Out a Support Network
No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. But time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: lean on a support network.
"Recognize your support network. If it's not strong enough, build it up," says Jennifer Coleman, EdS, NCC, a life transition coach who works with divorce clients of the Rosen Law Firm in North Carolina.
For Michaels, her support network while surviving divorce initially consisted of one good friend. "She has a great sense of humor," Michaels tells WebMD, recalling how she went from crying alone in a movie theater as she watched a romantic love story to laughing out loud afterward when her friend insisted they go to dinner together.
At the suggestion of the judge who oversaw her divorce case, Michaels then expanded her circle of support to include the group Women with Controlling Partners. She's glad she took him up on it. "When you get divorced, most of your old friends run. They're no longer thrilled to have you in their house; there's a dynamic that shifts considerably," she tells WebMD. That hasn't been the case with women in the support group. "We have Friday night pizza with our kids. We'll give each other a ride to the airport if we need it. It really has saved my sanity," Michaels says.
Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs. Consider David Wood, a handyman who recently went through a bitter divorce. "I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I thought people would think less of me," he says.
It wasn't until a neighbor started sharing his own story about a difficult divorce that Wood felt comfortable enough reciprocating with his own woes -- and finding it incredibly cathartic. "You've got to open up," he says.
While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated. Even before the clouds of her divorce lifted, Susan Perrotta knew she had to be a strong presence for her children, who were barely school age at the time. She made immense sacrifices to be there for them, sometimes pulling all-nighters to complete art projects for clients, then seeing her children off to school in the morning.
A single mother with no family in town, Perrotta essentially raised her children on her own. But she strategically sought and took advantage of support resources available to her. "I made friends with teachers and administrators at my kids' schools. They were fantastic," she tells WebMD.
She also chose to move to a close-knit neighborhood where she could call on neighbors for help in a pinch. She used her pediatrician as a sounding board, recalling him as "a wonderful pediatrician who knew the kids well." And she looked beyond differences with her ex-husband to get him involved. "I pulled him in when I needed his help. I made him work with me," she says.
2. Redefine Yourself
Going through a divorce means no longer being part of a couple, a reality that can come as a relief or a frightening prospect. "For the person who sees him or herself as multifaceted, it's generally a lot easier. But if someone has been nothing but a spouse and saw that as the most important role, it can be pretty crushing," Coleman tells WebMD.
Looking at this time as a period of self-exploration is one way to overcome feelings of isolation and fear. "Take up new hobbies, activities, interests -- expand yourself. Stay busy in a constructive way," suggests Patricia Covalt, PhD, a Denver-based licensed marriage therapist.
Exploring untapped interests can be both a place to positively let go of the grief brought on by divorce and a way to redefine yourself. Wood, devastated by not seeing his children on a daily basis, threw himself into starting and cultivating a community garden. "It was a big help. I'd physically exhaust myself working there. It kept my mind from wandering," he says. Taking ownership of the garden also served as a productive hobby, in which Wood grew not only seasonal vegetables and fruits but also stronger friendships with other community members.
3. Minimize the Impact on Kids
While coping with divorce, pain is inevitable -- but soon-to-be ex-spouses have the power to minimize the pain their children feel by keeping things as amicable as possible.
"You're dealing with a lot of grief and personal feelings. But always avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children," says Jennipher Cole, LPC-S, a marriage and family therapist with the DePelchin Children's Center in Houston.
She has seen the poor outcomes of clients who ignore this advice: in younger children, regressive behavior like bed-wetting; in older children and teenagers, low self-esteem and risky behaviour.
Cole also warns against pulling children into any conflict with an ex-spouse, a scenario that provokes "taking sides."
Others echo her sentiments. "If you put your kids in the middle, it's a short gain with a long loss. I'm much more interested in maintaining a long-term relationship with my kids," Michaels says.
Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce-3-survival-strategies#1
Having a cheery disposition can influence more than just your mood. "People who are optimistic are more committed to their goals, are more successful in achieving their goals, are more satisfied with their lives, and have better mental and physical health when compared to more pessimistic people," says Suzanne Segerstrom, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky. Research shows that people tend to be optimistic by nature, but what if you're naturally more of an Eeyore? Strengthen your sense of hope: The trick is to act like an optimistic person, even if you aren't feeling particularly hopeful. "If you think that the future can be positive, you're more willing to put in time and energy to make that come about," says Segerstrom. By being engaged and persistent, even if you don't feel particularly positive, the benefits of optimism—like satisfaction and health—will soon follow. In fact, seeing the proverbial glass as half full can pay off in a number of unexpected ways, from improving your work experience to enhancing your relationships and protecting your mind and body. Here are 10 reasons strengthening your optimism is a good idea:
Optimists Feel Healthier
If you think that the world is inherently good, and that life will work out in your favor, you're more likely to rate your own health and sense of well-being as better. Best of all, it doesn't matter where you live or what language you speak: These statistics came from a study of more than 150,000 people living in 142 countries. But optimism doesn't just make you feel healthier—it can actually make you healthier, as these next few studies show.
Optimists Are Healthier
A recent Harvard School of Public Health study found that positive psychological well-being, which includes self-acceptance and positive relations with others, is linked to improved heart health. However, having an optimistic attitude was the biggest predictor of all: People who tend to look on the bright side have fewer heart problems, such as cardiovascular disease. They also have better cholesterol readings: In a separate survey of nearly 1,000 middle aged men and women, those who reported higher levels of optimism had lower levels of triglycerides, or less fat in the blood.
Optimists are More Likely to be Centenarians
If you expect that you'll live into old age, you increase your chances of actually doing so. An analysis of the health and hope of nearly 100,000 women by researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that over an eight-year-period, optimists were less likely to die from all causes than cynics.
Optimists Take Fewer Sick Days
Can hope help you stay cold- and illness-free? The results are promising. In one recent study Segerstrom and her colleagues studied the relationship between optimism and immune response in first-year law students throughout the school year. When a student was more optimistic they fought off infection more effectively than during the times when they were less hopeful.
Optimists Are Less Prone to Freakouts
By nature, optimists don't sweat the small stuff. Those were the findings in a study at Quebec's Concordia University. Not only did optimists produce less cortisol—the stress hormone--during times of stress, they also didn't experience as much perceived stress during stressful times.
Optimists Are the Best Dates
Romantic relationships benefit from a sunny disposition: Optimists and their partners tend to be happier than pessimistic pairings. This theory was put to the test at the University of Oregon, where researchers found that this increased happiness held true regardless if both or just one partner were identified as optimists.
Optimists Have Happier 9 to 5s
People who see a glass that's half full tend to rate their jobs as more satisfying than those who don't. A study from Kuwait University found that people who were the most optimistic were also happiest in their jobs and had the fewest work complaints; the opposite was true for pessimists.
Optimists Get More Job Offers and Promotions
A positive outlook is just as important as a polished resume when it comes to job-hunting. A study from Duke University followed a group of MBA graduates as they entered the workforce: Those who believed good things would happen to them had an easier time finding jobs than those who had a less hopeful outlook.The same Duke University study found that optimists in the workforce often have a reason to be happy on the job: They tend to earn higher starting salaries than pessimists and they also are promoted more frequently.
Optimists Are Better at Bouncing Back
When life delivers lemons, optimists are more likely to make lemonade. Those were the findings in a survey of college freshman in Australia: The students who were more optimistic about their transition to university life experienced less stress, anxiety, and uncertainty and had a more successful first year overall.
Optimists Make Better Athletes
Optimists don't necessarily have more muscle mass or greater athletic ability than pessimists. But what they do have is hope. In a study co-authored by Martin Seligman, PhD, director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, a group of swimmers was instructed to swim their hardest then were told a false time—one that added several seconds. The optimists used this negative feedback to fuel an even faster time on their next swim; the pessimists performed more poorly than before.
Source: https://www.happify.com/hd/10-reasons-to-think-like-an-optimist/
Kids don't have to lose out when there's a divorce. Bronnie Marquardt talks to parents who've found ways to help their kids thrive.
Once upon a time, divorce was the worst thing that could happen to a family.
Children of divorced parents were said to come from ‘broken homes’. Relationships were described as having been torn asunder and irretrievably broken down.
Sensing a pattern here?
But what if divorced homes weren’t broken at all and children were, in fact, thriving? What if parents were happily living apart and setting a good example to children, who were secure in the knowledge that they are loved and valued by both parents?
Because in some cases, that is what the modern version of divorce means.
Kids can flourish
Of course, not every divorce is the same and, unfortunately, there are still those adults who can’t stand the sight of each other let alone parent the children they once produced out of love. And it’s true that children will always suffer when the two people they love most in the world announce they will no longer be living in the same house anymore.
But with care, honesty and give and take, kids get over that hurt and actually flourish once they see parents happy. Children also settle and feel secure as new boundaries are set and routines re-established.
The benefits of single parenting
“I used to think single parenting would be awful,” says Sarah, a mum of two. “But my husband was always away anyway, so I did most of the parenting myself. At least this way, he spends quality time with the kids when it’s his time to have them – and I actually get a break. And we don’t fight anymore.”
Indeed, many single parents cite the freedom to do their own thing when the children are with the other parent as the greatest benefit of divorce and separation – whether it to be to concentrate on career or study, a new relationship, exercise, or even pleasurable sleep-ins.
“I love taking up all of the bed, staying up late watching crap TV, and not having any little people coming in to wake me up early,” says Sarah. “That’s not to say I don’t miss the children – I just enjoy the freedom of having time to myself. I never got a break before."
Improving relationships?
Jayne says her children gained a father who is engaged and involved more than he was before the divorce. “We do 50 percent care, so he must do everything for them that I must do – cooking, cleaning, packing their lunches etc.,” she says.
“I think this will be important for them as they view gender roles in the future. I know some men do this in a marriage but it wasn’t the case in mine. I think their relationship with him has grown because of this.”
Single dad Bill agrees. “Our son is probably happier than when we were together. And we’ve (he and his ex) become good friends.”
Part of the reason for the harmony is that adults living together no longer argue about parenting methods, finances and the mundane matters of family life, like toilet seats and toothpaste tubes.
“Once you’re single you have freedom to do what you want, when you want, without have to seek permission from anyone, parenting your way without constant compromise,” says Catherine, a mum of five. “Financially you are your own master. And while money is a constant worry, you know exactly how much you have and where it’s going. You are the master of your own destiny.
“In terms of the children, I think they have become very resilient and flexible little people due to the many changes in their lives.”
Not so different
Far from feeling ‘left out’ or ‘different’ as they may have in the bad old days before divorce was no-fault, my own children appear to have blossomed.
They enjoy having two sets of homes, holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas.
During the recent school holidays, they spent a week in Darwin with their dad and his partner – a part of Australia they never would have been likely to see prior to our split. They came back full of tales of crocodiles , and it meant they were satisfied doing something a bit more relaxed with me here.
They know that money is tighter at my home than their dad’s and they accept that; just as they understand that our parenting styles are different. For them, it’s like getting the best of both worlds.
“Why didn’t you do it (break-up) earlier?” my son asked one day. “It’s better like this.”
More happiness, less stress
That’s not to say that I recommend divorce; in fact, just the opposite. However, the effects of modern-day divorce are not all bad, particularly on kids.
A new start and a good example to children is particularly important if the previous relationship was violent, abusive or even just hostile, as a way of showing our kids the way we expect to be treated.
People who leave an unhappy relationship give themselves the chance to find happiness. They are much less stressed than those who stay together due to fear, finances or the sake of the children. In turn, kids do better when they are not trapped in a family where Mum and Dad are constantly yelling at each other.
Even if that means living apart.
Source: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/divorce-and-separation/why-divorce-doesnt-have-to-be-bad-for-kids/news-story/71545e45b75073ab1911d6079d355085
