Managing life’s opportunities as a working mother | Stephanie Herseth Sa...

There's a real challenge about taking the opportunities that you can as a single working parent, just the same as for any working parent.

Get past the fear and take action

Some thoughts on how our fears whether founded or unfounded can hold us back from achieving our goals or taking actions to achieve our goals.


What fears are holding you back from your intention to thrive?

Confronting one of my fears and moving forward with action!

Taking some of my own advice from my last video message, I thought I'd better confront one of my own minor fears and get back on the bike after a winter off; fear of failure (thanks to the lost fitness) and fear of success (if it went well I'd have to do it more regularly!) were both at play! Fortunately all was well in the end!


Hope you're having a great weekend!

Staying Focussed and Dealing with Overwhelm

In this video I share my thoughts on how to deal with overwhelm and how to maintain focus when working through divorce (and in life!)


Thanks and I welcome your feedback and comments here or in YouTube!

4 Action Steps to Take When Times Are Tough

Under the best of circumstances, being a parent can sometimes be tough. The expectations, responsibilities and realities of day-to-day life often interfere with the image of what we thought parenting would be like.

When a family faces challenging times — illness, loss of a job, the end of the marriage, financial stress or a myriad of other problems life sometimes throws our way — parenting can be even more difficult, especially when there is just not enough time, energy or resources.

As a country, we have just experienced one of the most difficult financial downturns in decades. Millions of families were directly or indirectly affected by it. or many, times are still tough and yet, their dreams and hopes for their families haven’t wavered.
How do you successfully parent when so many resources that many of us take for granted aren’t available to you? What if you don’t have the ability to send your children to the best schools, pay for extracurricular activities that could bring great benefit or give them the things that every other child seems to have?

What’s a family to do?

1. Develop and maintain clarity about what’s really important. That’s often easier said than done, especially when we’re experiencing stress. But if we are clear about the kind of character we want our children to have, we can teach and model the values and attributes that are most important to us. It doesn’t cost money to be honest, kind, hard-working and principled. Many successful adults have come from families without great means. And many children who have been raised with vast financial privileges have failed to go on to create a life of value and purpose.

2. Focus on quality time together. When we’re experiencing stressful times, it’s natural to spend every waking minute worrying or feeling fearful about the future. But worry and fear don’t solve problems. Giving whatever precious free time and energy we have to unproductive emotions simply drains us more. If we can develop the discipline to do everything we can to solve the problems at hand, then for a few hours a day let go of what might happen in the future so we can more fully be with our family, everyone will benefit. Have a game night. Read a book out loud to each other. Be in nature. Explore whatever your child is interested in together. Sit down individually and as a family and make a list of what enjoyable activities you can do that involve little or no costs. Then, set aside as much time as you can each week to do some of those things.

3. Find support. Maybe your family of origin isn’t available to help. Or maybe their worldview isn’t one that matches with yours. But if we have just one person we can turn to when we’re down, who can help us remember what’s important, we are reminded that we aren’t alone in our efforts. And if you can’t find anyone to fill that role, think about finding articles, videos, or books about on parenting or other people’s lives and how they persevered and overcame obstacles to keep you going.

4. Give yourself credit. Maybe you can’t do or give everything you’d like to your children. But stop and think about what you are providing and the lessons you are teaching them. What children need most is to be loved, valued, and supported for who they are.

No matter what your circumstances, or whether you’re experiencing tough times or not, paying attention to what’s really important, focusing on spending quality time with your family, finding ways to support yourself and making sure you’re giving yourself credit for all that you are providing your children helps you to feel better about the parenting process. And, it enriches your children in ways that all the materials items in the world cannot do.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jan-cloninger-and-rosemary-strembicki-lcsw/when-times-are-tough_b_4941272.html

Don't let yourself off, keep on going!

As we work towards a goal or through a period of challenge, and when faced with a difficult task, when we feel tired and in need of a rest, or sometimes just when we're controlled by fear, it can be tempting to take a break, to let ourselves off, to be 'kind' to ourselves.

At times like these, it's all the more important to keep on going, to take the difficult decision, confront the unpleasant task and to have the awkward conversation. 

Through continued action, relentlessly committing to the goal and taking step-by-step eventually we'll achieve our goals and get to where we want and deserve to be.

I wish you a happy, fulfilled and successful 2018 as you work through your divorce and forwards to your new and better life. I'm right there with you, pressing ever forwards and onwards!

9 Ways to Deal with Change

Use these tactics to guide yourself through life-altering events.

Marriage, breakups, career changes, job loss, illness, having children, an empty nest, financial downturns, moving, graduating, losing someone you love. Stuff happens. All of these are common transitions and stress triggers. How do you cope? Here are a few self-coaching tips that can help:

1. Admit that you feel vulnerable and seek help, which will defuse your negativity.
2. Become proactive. Those who are empowered look for opportunities to make things better. Victims sit back and worry about what will happen.
3. Know that you are never stuck with just one feeling. You may feel afraid and optimistic and excited about the same circumstances. Focus on the positive emotions.
4. Trust yourself based on past successes, asking, When have I managed change before? How did I do that? How did it turn out?
5. Avoid obsessing about the future. The solutions for how you feel now are usually in the present.
6. When your future seems to depend on someone else’s actions, you might be inclined to obsess about what-ifs. Instead make the present moment the most important thing in your mind.
7. Take positive action to get back on track: Put on music and dance in your kitchen; go for a walk; breathe deeply; read something inspirational.
8. Quiet your mind briefly so you can see a fork in the road with a positive outcome. Find something you’re grateful for or remind yourself that things have a way of working out.
9. Get out of your own head. Many people ease their stress and fears quickly with meditation, with prayer or by helping someone else.

Source: http://www.success.com/article/9-ways-to-deal-with-change

When a major change or decision seems too scary.

I was just listening to a podcast and heard something really significant, momentous even, and I wanted to share it with you as I think it summarises the challenge we all face in many aspects of life from time to time, whether:

• Tackling a project at work;
• Taking control of our diet or exercise;
• Wanting to contribute and make a difference to larger scale problems in the world;
• Setting out to thrive and build a new life after divorce.

The challenge? It is all far too big and scary when viewed as a whole.

The tip, whilst simple, easy to understand and probably something that we have all heard many times in many different forms, really made sense to me today…

“When you find something too big and scary and the very thought of it is paralysing you into inaction, or fear, ratchet the challenge back until you reach a level you’re comfortable with and act on that.”

Simple, right?

In the context of the examples above, our challenge may then be ‘ratcheted back’ to:

Focussing upon what progress we can make against our project today (or this morning, or this hour) rather than wondering how we’ll ever finish the whole thing.

Focussing on eating a healthy breakfast, or building a half hour walk into our day, rather than worrying about each and every meal being healthy or beating ourselves up for not being at the gym each and every evening.

Donating just £1 or $1 to a cause that resonates with us rather than getting demoralised about the plight of those far less fortunate than us.

In the context of setting out to thrive after divorce or separation, this could be as simple as making a choice today to:

• Create an online dating profile and get back into the world of dating
• Setting up a new bank account to start saving for a vacation or to invest in some education for yourself
• Starting to read a book you’d bought but have been delaying reading
• Focussing some time and attention on yourself by taking yourself out for a coffee or catching up with a friend
• Opening a debate with your ex that is proactively focussed on the future (such as to float some ideas for how you wish to raise your kids after divorce) rather than rehashing events of the past.

It really depends on where you find yourself on the journey but whichever you choose, each of these steps may help to break down the size and scale of the challenge you face, and by reducing the fear you will increase the action and magnify the results which can only be a good thing.

I hope this is of interest and use to you. It struck me as pertinent, relevant and interesting, hence my desire to share!

Should you wish to check out the podcast in question, it was the Tim Ferriss Show featuring an interview with US Senator Cory Booker; very interesting and enlightening.

If you’re interested in a recommendation for a good read too (see above!) then I can highly recommend the excellent “Tools of Titans” by Tim Ferriss; I’m a big fan of his (can you tell?!). The book is a collection of interviews with loads of really interesting and inspiring people and I’d highly recommend checking it out.

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.com

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.co.uk

Thanks and have a great day!

Toby

Christmas ends in divorce for thousands

Divorce lawyers will have their busiest day of the year today after the long Christmas holiday took its toll on thousands of relationships. 

For many unhappy partners, revelations of a fling at the office party could be the last straw. Other grounds for a split include abuse, lack of sex, financial worries, and disappointing presents. 

Online advice centre InsideDivorce.com surveyed 100 UK law firms, as well as 2,000 people who were either married, divorced or separated. It found that nearly one in five of all marriages (19%) was on shaky ground, with partners believing it could end in divorce. 

Almost half (44%) of those surveyed said their sex lives had fallen flat, while one in 10 marriages was entirely sexless. 

Family lawyer Suzanne Kingston, of Dawsons Solicitors, said men or women often came to see a solicitor without their partner’s knowledge, to try to find out about their options. 

The ‘vast majority’ of people who see a solicitor end up proceeding with a divorce at some stage, she said. ‘If you’re not spending time together then the issues between you are not so apparent because they are disguised by what you are doing on a day-to-day basis. 

‘But over Christmas people are spending longer periods of time together. There’s more opportunity to argue. There is also the financial worry and the impact of relatives. And at New Year people often make resolutions and think about what they want for the future.’ 

About two in every five people (42%) blamed a partner’s affair for them contacting a lawyer, with almost half of all women citing infidelity as the main reason for marriage breakdown. 

More than half (54%) of those said they discovered the affair themselves, one fifth of unfaithful spouses confessed, and 4% were told by their partner’s new lover. Some 36% of men – the biggest single male response – cited lack of sex as a reason for divorce. 

More than 1.8m couples will have contemplated divorcing their partner during the Christmas period, according to the Family Mediation Helpline. And Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship support, said the trend to kick-start divorce proceedings in January follows a 50% surge in the number of calls over the festive period. 

Three quarters of New Year divorces are instigated by women. But according to Paula Hall, a relationship psychotherapist at Relate, this might just be because they are the ones who get around to it first. She said the New Year was an important time for people to assess thier lives, and couples who had already separated might decide to take the final step and divorce. ‘Doing the divorce is a significant step to closing the door,’ she said. 

Derek Bedlow, managing editor of InsideDivorce.com, said: ‘Basically, Christmas is a nightmare for anyone with even a remotely shaky relationship. There are just so many opportunities for things to go badly – from rowing about which in-laws are coming to dinner, to disappointing presents, to discovering a loved one has misbehaved at an office party. It’s a relationship minefield. 

‘People are quicker to throw in the towel on a bad marriage than ever before. The trend is definitely to move on as soon as you know it’s truly over – rather than clinging to the wreck of a bad relationship for year after year.’

Source: http://metro.co.uk/2009/10/26/christmas-ends-in-divorce-for-thousands-369834/

How to avoid relationship mistakes when dating after a divorce

Does the idea of dating after divorce arouse the same dread as does a root canal? Are you trying to get back into the dating scene but don’t know how or are scared that you will attract the wrong person? Well, have no fear. Here is some after divorce dating advice to help you jump back into the dating deepend before you know it!

Do

Do understand why your last relationship failed

Following divorce, it’s only natural to have cold feet when it comes to finding a new flame. Whether conscious of it or not, divorce leaves most people scared of getting burned again. And there’s good reason for fear. What’s to say you won’t make the same mistakes again? If you want to prevent your next relationship from going down in flames, it’s vital to understand the reasons why your last relationship went up in smoke. With clarity comes the courage to jump again into the dating pool -- and attract your true Mr. or Ms. right this time around.

Do take notice of your repetitive mate selection patterns

Most of us have been emotionally injured during our “de-formative years.” It is these old scars from childhood that drive us to choose partners who emotionally resemble the parents who injured us so that we can recreate our old scars; not because we’re gluttons for punishment--but because we secretly hope to achieve a happy ending this time around. If our partners bring us the emotional goodies that we didn’t receive from our parents, our old scars will finally feel healed.

Sadly, this plan rarely works, precisely because our partners are limited and damaged in the exact ways that our parents were--meaning they can’t give us any better treatment than our parents did. Awareness of our old scars enables us to make a more conscious choice this time around, and head-off unnecessary heartache.

Do choose a partner who will give you your happy ending

After identifying your old scar, your next task is to become conscious of what your happy ending is. Hint: Your happy ending is the kind of treatment that you always dreamed of receiving from the parent who let you down. Your quest for this happy ending is your blueprint for your next relationship. So, for example, if you had a father who paid no attention to you, look for a partner who is present and attentive to you. The bottom line: This time around you want to choose a partner who will feed rather than frustrate your deepest needs.

Do interview candidates and be highly selective

The only way to determine if someone is right for you is to do your homework. Dating homework consists of asking lots of questions and observing your intended’s actions over time. With both eyes open, you want to be looking for a partner who is similar to you in all the areas that count, including financial, sexual, political and religious values. The more similar you both are, the more compatible you are. And, above all, you want to ensure that the person isn’t like the parent (or your ex) who let you down. Doing your due diligence is the key to preventing a repeat performance of the heartache that you experienced in your first family and in your relationship with your ex.

Do be authentic

Thirty-five percent of all new marriages are the result of online dating. But, with online dating, it’s easy to present a false mask. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University found that 80 percent of online daters lie about their age, height, and weight. So be careful! Don’t take another person’s profile at face value. Keep one eyebrow raised until you can verify the other person’s honesty. And, when it comes to presenting yourself, remember: If you paint a false picture of yourself, you’re painting yourself into a corner! And you can’t undo lies and omissions.

Besides, the more authentic you are the better your chances of attracting the right partner for you. The idea is to give a snapshot of your personality, tastes, and interests without oversharing. So you probably don’t want to talk about your recurring IBS, but you do want to offer pertinent details that will help potential partners know who you are and what you’re into.

Don't

Do not choose a partner who hates his/her mother or father

If your date is like most of the world, he/she may be looking to replay unfinished business with a parent using you as the emotional punching bag. Your bottom line is this: If someone has an ax to grind with his/her parents, run for the hills, because it won’t be long before that ax swings in your direction.

Do not choose a partner who’s a project

When you find yourself drawn to someone who’s damaged goods, that’s your warning sign that you’re on the verge of repeating old scars. Trying to fix damaged partners is an unconscious attempt to fix our parents in the hope of achieving our happy ending. If this is your case, step back from dating until your old scar is healed. Then and only then will you be ready to find a healthy relationship rather than a partner who’s a project. Remember: The way to spell heartache? Choose a partner who’s a project!

Do not delay meeting in person

If you’re new to the dating scene, or you’ve been burned and are recovering from a messy breakup or divorce, you probably won’t feel comfortable rushing an in-person meeting. But beware: Anonymous, faceless conversations play a trick on your mind, allowing you to develop an intimacy without really knowing the other person. In other words, that guy or lady becomes a blank screen you can project your fantasies onto—enabling that person to become anyone you want. Keep that going too long, and you may fall in love with a phantom. Be wary of prolonged email exchanges and never-ending phone calls and meet in person asap.

Do not choose a person who refuses to take ownership

When “interviewing” dates as candidates for a possible relationship, listen carefully to what your date says about past failed relationships. If that person blames everything on the ex and takes no responsibility for his/her role in the demise of past relationships, grab your marbles and go home! Otherwise, you will soon be losing your marbles when you find yourself on the receiving end of that person’s blame.

Do not settle

After a breakup or divorce, our self-esteems can be lower than pond scum. In this state, we don’t feel desirable, which can make us come across as desperate and needy. When our self-esteems are flying at half mast, we are at risk of settling for someone who isn’t right for us or even attracting a dating deadbeat. So, before reentering the dating scene, make sure to raise your personal net worth and you will raise the odds of attracting your Mr. or Ms. Right!

Summary

Reentering the dating scene is a wonderful opportunity to set yourself free from the childhood emotional demons that haunt our adult relationships. The key to freedom is consciousness: Know your old scars and consciously choose a partner who will bring you healing rather than heartache.

Source: https://expertbeacon.com/how-avoid-relationship-mistakes-when-dating-after-divorce/#.WMFcexicalM

Motivational Tips: Life Tips after Divorce

Mental Health: 10 Tips to Get your Life in Order and Regain Control after the Divorce

I sometimes have restless nights where I can’t seem to get my mind off everything I’m faced with. Often I’m thinking about my next move in this world. How about you? When your marriage ends, thiscan happena lot. Divorce, and coping with it, has a way of mkaing your mind wander in these directions.

After such a night not too long ago I went for a walk along the Grand Traverse Bay (one of my favorite spots) to shake off my grogginess and fretfulness. Walking east, the morning light cast an amber haze on gentle ripples easing their way to shore. I spied two sandpipers flitting in the sand, and a few sea gulls feasting on something that had washed up on the beach. A couple of minutes later, from behind the large breakwater surrounding the marina, came a powerboat disrupting the baby ripples, forcing more aggressive waves toward me.

I made it over to the space next to the harbor house and looked north to the water’s edge, continuing the conversations in my head from the middle of the night, as well as trying to figure out what on earth I was going to write about for this column when I got back to my computer.Just as I started to head for home I caught sight of a mama duck and her babies making their way to the beach. Ten baby ducklings, all in a row. I said to myself, “They seem to know where they’re going and they’re doing it with purpose and precision. Why can’t I seem to get it together like that?”

Then I wondered: What would be the ten things I’d need to do more of to get me closer to my dreams and a more settled life? After pondering it for a short while I came up with the following list, in no particular order (and all subject to change) that I intend to work on:

10 TIPS FOR LIFE 

1. Get healthy, and lose weight, so I’ll look and feel better about myself.

2. Clean out my closets, literally and figuratively. This applies to anything or anyone weighing me down.

3. Tackle those things I tend to procrastinate over, taking them one step at a time so as to not feel so overwhelmed.

4. Stop feeling the need to take care of EVERYONE all of the time, and start caring more about my own needs.

5. Spend more time doing what I truly love to do (which is almost always tied to our purpose in life).

6. Take the time to learn something new every day.

7. Find something to be grateful for every single day.

8. Work on my relationships, especially the ones I find the most difficult (gee, where do I start?).

9. Catch myself every time I use negative self-talk, and think more positively.

10. Meditate.

When the issues of divorce are surrounding us, it’s really easy for everything to feel like one big jumbled mess. Taking the time to create a list of things we find important to our well-being (both inner and outer), and then actually acting on them, can help us feel more in control, more together. What 10 ducks are you going to compile?

Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/motivational-tips-life-tips-after-divorce/

Striving for 'Good Enough' to keep ourselves motivated

When we set ourselves a goal, or look at our current situation compared to where we want to get to, we are often comparing ourselves with the best possible outcome, the ultimate or the pinnacle of what is possible. Lofty goals can be inspiring and motivating, whether to keep us focussed as we work through adversity, or as we undertake some process of improvement. However, it can also be really off-putting, demoralising or depressing and can discourage us from taking action; we may feel like we have too far to go and it's not worth the effort. Inspired by one of my recent blog posts (http://bit.ly/2GaCPQo) this video explores how we should reframe our goals to look at the 'Minimum Viable Product' in any given circumstance. What does 'Good Enough' look like for us? What would be an acceptable place to be that might set the foundations for what we want and offer a stepping stone to getting to where we want to get to? Setting our sights on the Minimum Viable Product offers us a means of getting and staying motivated as we achieve something worthwhile that will take us in the right overall direction, encouraging us to take action, not just give up because it all seems too difficult to begin with. If you have any comments or feedback on this video you can reach out by email on toby@kintsugilife.co If you'd like to receive the occasional message from me containing thoughts, information or inspiration related to living a better life after divorce, you can join my mailing list at the following link: bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive

Becoming an Optimist

How to turn away from the dark side.

I have always been a bit of a pessimist. I generally expected the worst and and didn’t trust it when something good happened. In my early twenties I met two people who changed my life, both of whom were optimists. These people wore rose-colored glasses, saw hope and promise in every situation, and seemed to generally feel happy. Given my negative nature, I immediately saw the flaws in this approach to life: they will be disappointed and hurt frequently and they will overlook their own mistakes. But in time, I grew to respect them and envy their sunny and positive approach towards life. I wished I could be like that but I didn’t know how to become that way.

It took a lot of work and required almost constant vigilance on my part. I would quickly find fault in something and then need to search for the good aspects of a situation to negate my own negativity. I often had to ask myself what they would do or say in the situation—how they could possibly make lemonade out of the rotten lemons that were all that I saw. It felt wrong and stupidly positive sometimes to find the good in a situation when I saw only the dark and negative side of it. But with time, I noticed that it became second nature to see both the good and the bad in a situation and I was surprised by how freeing it was.

I was also surprised by how much I needed to be able to see both my own good and bad characteristics—how important it was for me to be able to recognize that there are things that I am good at rather than to excuse those things as being “just luck” or something that “anyone could do.” Even now, as I type those words, they cause a certain amount of anxiety for me—to say that I am good at something for fear or disappointing myself or others, but it also feels strangely exhilarating. I also realized that others need to hear positive feedback and the importance of balancing the good with the bad when giving students feedback, when helping someone through a tough time, or when trying to make sense of the bad things that have happened in life.

Don’t get me wrong, at times I still dip down into pessimism and find it hard to dig my way out. I have not entirely changed my “dark side” and it still rears its ugly head at times. But more often than not, I can see hope in difficult situations and if all else fails, comfort myself with the idea that things usually work out in the end even if they haven’t gone the way that I planned them to. The most surprising thing is that although I clung to my negativity for dear life and thought that it provided protection, I find that I need protection less than I thought that I did and that the optimism somehow “fits” better than negativity did.

So how does one become an optimist? We always say that an old dog can’t learn new tricks, but clearly that saying was coined by a pessimist!

1) Notice your negativity. Listen to what you say and how negative it is. Track your thoughts on a daily basis and notice the negative assumptions and conclusions that you draw. Identification of your negativity is essential to change.

2) When find yourself saying something negative, think of something positive to say even if it doesn’t “ring true” to you at the moment. If you are habitually negative, seeing the sunny side is going to feel false and Pollyannaish at first. That is okay. You can’t expect to change overnight.

3) If you identify a negative thought, write it down. Next to it, draw a column for the evidence supporting that thought. Then draw a column for the evidence that argues against the thought. You will be great at identifying evidence supporting the negative thought and struggle with the evidence against the negative thought but with practice this will come easier.

4) Search for positive aspects of situations. Your team lost the Superbowl this year, but at least you got to watch the game with your friends and had some delicious food. You lost your job but this gives you the opportunity to find a better job and you wouldn’t have taken that opportunity otherwise. Most situations can be seen in both a positive and negative light. You just have to find the positive one and keep reminding yourself of it in order to eventually believe it.

5) Think of someone you know who has a positive outlook on life and ask yourself what that person would do or think in particular situations. Then try to think that way too. This is a way of using others’ optimism to internalize it and make it a part of you.

6) Give others positive feedback. Even if someone has done something poorly, there has to be some aspect of it that is good. If you can find this, your view of the product will be more positive and the other person may feel encouraged to continue.

7) Give yourself positive feedback and notice when you discount it by saying that “anyone could have done this,” “it really wasn’t anything special,” “it’s only because I got lucky/worked hard.” These are excuses that you use to push off the positive feedback, usually because pessimists feel uncomfortable with good things and often fear disappointing others by acknowledging their own strengths. Deal with the anxiety and just say thank you if someone (including yourself) gives you positive feedback.

8) Identify the purpose of the pessimism. Does it provide protection against disappointment? Does it help you not to get hurt? Do you think that it helps you to plan for possible challenges? We often think that pessimism and worry are helpful but this is not true and we would handle the disappointment, hurt, and challenges even better if we were not bogged down by anxiety and negativity. Run some experiments to see whether the negativity is truly serving its purpose? Do you never get disappointed or hurt? Are you always prepared for challenges? If the answer to these questions is “no” that means that the negativity and worry are not working for you. It does not mean that you need to become more negative or worry more. Trust me on this one.

9) Take the risk of being positive and see how it feels. Try it on like you would try on a new pair of shoes. And just like new shoes, it may need some breaking in to really fit. But with time, optimism will start to fit like a glove.

10) Practice, practice, practice. It has taken me years of work on this and I still sometimes dip into pessimism. It took you a long time to learn negativity and will take you a long time to learn optimism.

With time and practice, you will notice that you can teach an old dog new tricks and that the old dog may become a little less anxious, depressed, and grouchy and a bit more warm and sunny over time. And who doesn’t like a happy dog?

Source:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-worry-mom/201204/becoming-optimist

Everyone is struggling, you are not alone

No matter who you are, where you live, what you do or how 'together' you think you have got it, EVERYONE is facing struggles.
Some of those who seem the most driven, and most in control of their lives and focused on creating their ideal lives are actually struggling the most. It doesn't matter if your struggle isn't about feeding your family, or keeping yourself safe. Your struggle, if you feel it is as real and valid as anyone elses. Don't let it define you. Don't let it paralyse you with fear. Take just one small step, do just one little thing each day to try and improve the situation and I promise it will help. You are not alone, you are not unique in feeling the struggle you feel, I promise. I want to be able to reach out to you with information that I think can help, and I want you to let me know how I can help you. Sign-up below to receive regular messages containing, information, support and inspiration. http://bit.ly/Choosing-to-Thrive

5 Ways to Thrive Through Adversity

In this video I want to share my 5 top tips for thriving through adversity. 

Whatever the challenge you may be facing, I believe the same key principles and steps can be applied to help bring you through it successfully; whether struggling through divorce, or facing challenges in your business or personal life the same methods apply and will help.





If you're interested in learning more, and hearing thoughts on other ways in which we can tackle adversity and rise above challenge, I'd love to share with you my new podcast: Kintsugi Life.

You can access the latest episode and all previous ones on iTunes, at:
http://bit.ly/kintsugi-life

Take Action, Feel Better, use the placebo if you have to

When we're in the midst of a challenging time, when we don't know which way to turn or are losing heart, it feels as though control is taken away from us. At these times, I've been experimenting with forcing myself to take action, even feeding my mind a notional placebo if needed to send the message that in taking action I am giving it permission to feel better. 

Sometimes the placebo effect is a powerful one; it aligns our minds to the process of growth, healing and improvement whcih will allow us to move forwards positively with expectations of success. 

Try it!

If you're interested in learning more, and hearing thoughts on other ways in which we can tackle adversity and rise above challenge, I'd love to share with you my new podcast: Kintsugi Life.

You can access the latest episode and all previous ones on iTunes, at:

http://bit.ly/kintsugi-life

The 7 Habits of Highly Happy People

“Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Happiness is the natural result of habitually living and thinking in certain ways. As a matter of fact, happiness is something that is quite predictable for almost all people (those with chemical imbalances, for instance, may be excluded) as we develop certain habits of thought, belief, action and character.

This post highlights some of the most important habits of happiness (7 of them, in fact) and acts as a tribute to the work of the personal-development icon, Stephen R. Covey, who recently passed away. His most famous work, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People has impacted a culture.

This is my play on the title of his seminal work …

THE 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY HAPPY PEOPLE

Some people are unhappy. Others are mildly or moderately happy. Some are even pretty happy. The following, however, are those principles that produce highly happy people.

HABIT #1: THINK
Highly happy people are possibility and opportunity thinkers. They see the large picture and focus on the immediate steps that lead to the life they imagine. They refuse to dwell on doom and gloom “what-if” thinking.

They think imaginatively, picturing in their mind’s eye the life they want to live, the person they want to be, the way they want to serve, the meaning they want to impart, the family they want to raise, the relationships they want to enjoy.

Their lives are extensions of their vision, of both the way they think and of what they think about most of the time.

People who live highly happy lives are people who have mastered their thoughts, who are not buffeted by ugly, critical, whiny, self-defeating ways of thinking. They don’t harbor grudges or replay old wounds or failures over and over again in their minds, except to learn the lessons embedded in them.

They focus their thoughts on the uplifting and inspiring, keeping them largely free of gutter-think and negativity, prejudice and debilitating fear.

HABIT #2: GROW
Highly happy people don’t lop-side their lives by focusing exclusively on fun or work or money or sports. They know that pounding a single note in life will create about as much happiness as pounding a single key on the piano will create music.

So they spend time growing in all significant compartments of life, recognizing the exponential growth to their happiness when synergistic growth occurs between each of the major areas of living. Highly happy people are therefore dedicated to personal growth in at least these 6 areas:

Mind: They work to develop their minds by reading good books, challenging their thinking, working at developing insight and wisdom and cultivating intelligence and building a storehouse of knowledge. They have a passion for learning and spend time and resources on its pursuit.

Body: The happiest people are not slaves to a self-limited body. They are not slaves to the appetites of the flesh. They don’t abuse the vehicle of their mind and spirit by filling it with garbage. They respect it as they would a temple. And so they eat good food and exercise regularly and avoid the poison of addictive substances.

Spirit: These people are keenly aware that they are more than mere bodies though. They recognize a higher sphere and look to feed that part of their lives that is in tune with the infinite. They read from scripture and other inspiring works. They fill their minds with uplifting ideas. They serve and bless others. They meditate and pray and connect to spiritual things.

Character: Happy people know their integrity to high values is more important than any earthly reward they could otherwise compromise character to attain. And so they constantly work on the foundation of their lives, the reputation and legacy their characters will create. They know their character is at the core of who they are and that by doing work there, all other parts of their lives will be positively affected.

Relationships: Because relationships are crucial to highly happy people, they prioritize them. In fact, they believe there is nothing more important than the work they do to build trusting relationships with family and friends.

Talents/Skills: Highly happy people know they are capable of great things. They know there is music and poetry and novels and skyscrapers and bridges and healing and improvement waiting inside to be pulled to the outside.

And so they try new things and develop new habits by replacing old bad ones with new good ones. They strengthen strengths and weaken weaknesses and share the talents they work hard to develop, not out of boastful showmanship, but as a humble steward of God-given and God-inspired abilities others can benefit from seeing and learning about … or, frankly, just for the fun of it!

HABIT #3: LOVE
Highly happy people love life. They love others and themselves too. They accept the truism that their love for others is limited by their capacity for self-love.

Highly happy people love truth and nature and beauty. They love their faith and human decency. They live lives of passion because they are passionate about so much that life provides.

They love learning and growing and experiencing all life has to offer. Their passion is an extension of the love and appreciation they have for living a life of meaning and purpose.

HABIT #4: EXPRESS
Highly happy people express their appreciation for all that fills life. They are grateful for the little things most people take for granted and for the big things as well. They express gratitude for acts of kindness and for the challenges that help build their character muscles.

They believe their thoughts and ideas are important enough to express them. They are not intimidated into silence but are not verbal bullies either. They express their interest in others and express their desire to learn from them.

They freely express earned praise and encouragement and forgiveness. They are not afraid to express their more tender and emotional sides because their insides are securely centered on universal principles of character.

So their expressions are honest, forthright, true, authentic, but respectful, honorable, decent, thoughtful and reflect a soul unencumbered by the fears and anxieties less happy people are bogged down by.

HABIT #5: CHOOSE
Highly happy people are not rudderless ships tossed about on the seas of public opinion or knocked about by the waves of circumstance or the winds of history. Rather, they are self-directed and pro-active. They choose their life’s direction. They choose their thoughts and beliefs and hopes and dreams.

They also choose their emotional responses to life by choosing the thoughts, beliefs and attitudes that create them.

They are not victims to outside circumstance and accept responsibility for the lives they live. They don’t blame their pasts or the world or God or life or the government or anyone or anything else for the conditions of their lives today. That’s not to say they blame themselves for every obstacle they encounter, but they do accept responsibility for doing something about the obstacles once they encounter them.

Highly happy people know they are the products of their choices and so make them decisively but carefully and with an attitude that nonetheless allows for flexibility to change plans, direction or timelines as needed.

HABIT #6: DO
Highly happy people act. They spend significant amounts of time doing what matters most. They don’t sit around and excessively watch other people live pretended lives on TV. They don’t have the time, even if they had the inclination.

Instead, they take action on plans and goals and ideas and dreams.They play and work and try new things and go to new places. They pick up hobbies and interests and expand their lives and experiences accordingly.

They do those things that add passion and purpose and meaning to their lives. They volunteer and serve and bless and do. They truly live life as the verb it was meant to be.

HABIT #7: ACCEPT
Highly happy people are accepting. They accept others as they are while they work to train and inspire them to be more. They accept themselves and their imperfections while they work to make them less pronounced. They accept the conditions of life as they dedicate themselves to the work of changing the conditions they have otherwise accepted.

In other words, they are committed to growth and improvement on all levels, while accepting of their shortcomings as they are right now along the path of growth and improvement. They are works-in-progress seeing the obvious that it’s okay to be broken at the beginning of a project, just not at the end.

And so they live their lives as an on-going self-improvement project, recognizing areas of needed improvement without condemning themselves (or others) for needing improving.

AFTERTHOUGHTS
“… there are basic principles of effective living, and … people can only experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their basic character.” ~ Stephen R. Covey

Happiness, then, is the predictable outcome of those principles that create it. We choose to apply those principles or to read them passively, brushing them aside as impractical or simplistic or impossible.

But ultimately, the happiness we live is the happiness we choose as the natural byproduct of the principles we embody.

So choose today to grow, love, express, choose, do and accept your way to a life of incredible happiness as we pause to tip our hats to a man who dedicated his life to human potential.

Source: http://meanttobehappy.com/the-7-habits-of-highly-happy-people/

The Health Benefits of Expressive Writing

Putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, can really pay off.

Whether you put pen to paper or type on a computer, writing about stressful experiences or emotionally charged issues in your life can be good for your health and emotional well-being. In fact, expressive writing, which basically involves pouring your heart and mind into words, without worrying about spelling, punctuation, grammar and other writing conventions, is good medicine: In recent years, research has found that it improves symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome or IBS, asthma and rheumatoid arthritis; helps with recovery from childhood sexual abuse and postpartum depression; and improves the state of mind in those with Parkinson's, cancer and many other health conditions.

It can even promote faster wound healing. In a 2013 study, researchers at the University of Auckland in New Zealand had 49 healthy adults, ages 64 to 97, spend 20 minutes a day for three consecutive days writing about upsetting events in their lives (expressive writing) or their daily activities (time management): Two weeks later, the researchers gave participants small puncture wounds on the inside of their upper arms then monitored their healing. Eleven days after the wound infliction, 80 percent more of those in the expressive writing group had fully healed compared with those in the other group.

The Magic Behind the Act

"Writing about an emotionally charged subject or an unresolved trauma helps you put the event into perspective and give some structure and organization to those anxious feelings, which ultimately helps you get through it," notes James Pennebaker, a professor of psychology at The University of Texas–Austin and co-author of the new book "Opening Up by Writing it Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain." "This can help people sleep better, feel and think better, and have richer social lives, all of which can bolster immune function and improve health."

Not surprisingly, writing about emotionally charged subjects also can improve mental health, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, major depressive disorder and even post-traumatic stress disorder among veterans. What's more, in a 2014 study involving 149 women in a residential treatment program for substance abuse disorders, researchers from the VA Connecticut Healthcare System in West Haven, Connecticut, found that those who engaged in four 20-minute writing sessions (about emotional topics) on consecutive days had greater reductions in the severity of their post-traumatic symptoms, depression and anxiety after two weeks than participants who wrote about neutral topics.

The mechanisms behind these emotional benefits aren't entirely understood. One theory is that describing your feelings with words may be somewhat cathartic, releasing pent-up feelings that may be dragging you down. Another is that the act of writing can help you organize disorganized thoughts into more cohesive ones that give meaning to an upsetting or traumatic experience. It also may be that the process of writing enables people to learn to better regulate their emotions because they gain a sense of control over upsetting experiences life throws at them.

Meanwhile, a pair of studies published in the April 2016 journal Emotion found that expressive writing helps people distance themselves from a distressing life experience, which in turn makes them less emotionally reactive to it. "We think the process of creating a coherent story out of disorganized emotional memories facilitates self-distancing because this process requires people to adopt other people's perspectives and focus on broader contexts," explains lead author Jiyoung Park, an assistant professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts–Amherst.

Feeling Is Believing

For as long as she can remember, Erin Morris had anxiety that would interfere with her ability to make decisions. In the fall of 2015, she started writing about whatever was on her mind for 15 minutes in the morning. "The important part for me is to not stop and judge myself or my writing but to let it flow and express everything that is in my head," says Morris, 36, a graphic designer who splits her time between Costa Rica and Columbia, South Carolina. Besides easing her anxiety, the writing habit has brought a considerable improvement in her previous sleep troubles, greater energy and "mental clarity when it comes to making decisions and dealing with complicated relationships," Morris reports.

Clint Evans, who spends up to 15 minutes writing in his journal in the morning and the evening, can relate to these perks. "Expressive writing reduces my stress and helps me sleep better," says Evans, 36, a business consultant and content service provider in Austin, Texas. "I feel release when writing in my journal – my mind stops racing and slows to a calm." The writing practice helps him fall asleep faster and sleep more soundly.

Most of the research has explored the benefits of writing about one's deepest thoughts and feelings about a stressful event using the first-person point of view (the "I" voice). A 2013 study from the University of Iowa suggests that assuming a distant, third-person perspective (using "he" or "she") may be even more beneficial because it's associated with less intrusive thinking and fewer physical symptoms. "Taking an observer's vantage may be vital to maintaining composure and making progress when trying to sort through a distressing or angering event or moment in life," explains lead author Matthew Andersson, now an assistant professor of sociology at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. "It's a short leap from picturing a difficult personal event from an observer's perspective to actually using a third-person pronoun, as if you're looking at a completely different person going through what you did."

Of course, "these potential pathways aren't mutually exclusive," Andersson notes, and there may be cumulative benefits. Whatever the mechanisms may be and whatever voice you choose to use, engaging in expressive writing can yield major benefits. "The beauty of this intervention is that it's cost-effective, low risk and [offers a] high payoff," notes Katherine Krpan, a psychologist who investigated the effects of expressive writing on major depressive disorder while at the University of Michigan. "People seem to like the idea of a non-pharmacological intervention. You can also do it wherever you are."

How to Write Yourself Well

To harness the power of expressive writing, Pennebaker recommends choosing a time and place where you're unlikely to be uninterrupted. Vow to write continuously about something that's upsetting you for at least 15 minutes on four consecutive days. Don't worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation, verb agreement or other writing conventions; simply pour your deepest, most honest feelings onto paper or a computer screen. "It can be related to something you're dreaming, thinking or worrying about a lot, an issue or memory that's affecting your life in an unhealthy way, or a subject you've been avoiding for days, weeks or years," Pennebaker says.

Try it for at least a few weeks and see if it helps. If it does, stick with it. Ultimately, what you do with your expressive writing is entirely up to you: You can save it for future reference, throw it away, burn it or shred it, Pennebaker says. The important thing to remember is that it's meant to be for your personal benefit and your eyes only.

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-08-31/the-health-benefits-of-expressive-writing

Take the difficult decisions, have the awkward conversations

Sometimes we all need to front-up and take the difficult decisions, have the awkward conversations and take the actions we've been putting off. This can often be the case as we work through divorce.
It's understandable that procrastination can take over when there is something we really don't want to do, either out of fear for the consequences that we anticipate or because of uncertainty over what will happen.
Sometimes you just need to get on and do it!

What we do today and how it can affect what we get tomorrow

"What we do now, echoes for eternity"

-Maximus, Gladiator


This video considers the quote above from the movie Gladiator and proposes that we would all do well from time to time to consider the lasting impacts of our actions in the outcomes that we can expect to see in our own lives.


Fixating on negativity, getting bogged down in difficulty or settling for too little and taking lowly actions aligned with lowly aspirations for life will likely ensure that we get more of the same and see the consequences of these actions in our lives. Conversely, if we can raise expectations and live in alignment with higher goals then we can reasonably expect bigger and better things back from life.