While many couples see remarriage as a second chance at happiness, the statistics tell a different story. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is over 60% compared to around 50% for first marriages.
Why are second marriages more likely to fail?
One explanation is the formation of blended families, which can cause loyalty issues with stepchildren and rivalries between co-parents, but there are many other difficulties and stresses that come with remarrying. A foundation of trust and intimacy is vital to beating the odds.
Everyone Has Baggage
When people get remarried, they often bring unhealthy relationship patterns and trust issues from their first marriage that can sabotage the new relationship. Sometimes this baggage can cause couples to rush into tying the knot without truly getting to know each other.
For instance, if you were betrayed by your former spouse, you may be overly suspicious and lack confidence in your new partner.
Here’s how Kayla put it: “We’ve only been married for a few years,” she paused, “But I’m already questioning Jake when he’s late from work – full of mistrust and accusations.” It became clear that Kayla was having difficulty trusting Jake due to her ex-husband’s affair.
Be Vulnerable
It makes sense that a fear of vulnerability can be a real dilemma in a second marriage, yet not expressing our innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes can actually put a relationship more at risk because we lose out on the trust and intimacy that vulnerability offers.
Being vulnerable with your partner can make you feel exposed, but it is the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship. In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Given this definition, the act of loving someone and allowing them to love you may be the ultimate risk. Dr. John Gottman writes in What Makes Love Last? that “life tends to go better for those who have the courage to trust others.”
Create Realistic Expectations
Accept that there are inevitable ups and downs in remarried life. New love is a wonderful feeling, but it doesn’t make up for the pain of divorce, nor does it automatically restore the family to its former status. According to stepfamily expert Maggie Scarf, “On the contrary, remarriage will present [couples] with a number of unanticipated design issues such as loyalty binds, the breakdown of parenting tasks, and the uniting of disparate family cultures.”
A key issue for remarried couples to address is interpersonal communication. This is especially true when it comes to finances, how to discipline children and stepchildren, personality conflicts in the newly created family, and rivalries between family members.
Below are ten powerful rules I’ve learned from working with remarried couples and in my own second marriage.
1. Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
Author Kyle Benson says, “When you can, express what you cherish about your partner. The idea is to catch your partner doing something right and say ‘thanks for doing that. I noticed you unloaded the dishwasher and I really appreciate it.’”
2. Practice being vulnerable in small steps
Build confidence in being more open with your partner. Discussing minor issues like schedules and meals is a great place to start before tackling bigger matters like disciplining kids or managing finances.
3. Create time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner
Ask for what you need in an assertive, non-aggressive way and be willing to see each other’s side of the story. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman encourages us to respond to our partner’s “bids” for attention, affection, and support. This can be something minor like “please make the salad” or as significant as accompanying our partner on a trip to visit an ill parent.
4. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings
Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings, especially if it’s an important issue, rather than stonewalling and shutting down. In Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner posits that a good fight can clear the air. She writes that “it’s nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it.”
5. Prepare for conflict
Understand that conflict doesn’t mean the end of your marriage. Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples discovered that conflict is inevitable in all relationships and 69% of problems in a marriage go unresolved. Despite this, conflict can be managed successfully and the marriage can thrive! Stephanie Manes, LCSW advises us to take a short break if we feel overwhelmed or flooded as a way to restore positive communication with our partner.
6. Communicate effectively
Accept responsibility for your role in a disagreement. Listen to your partner’s requests and ask for clarification on issues that are unclear. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements that tend to come across as blameful, such as “I felt hurt when you purchased the car without discussing it with me.”
7. Embrace your role as a stepparent
The role of the stepparent is one of an adult friend, mentor, and supporter rather than a disciplinarian. Learn new strategies and share your ideas with your partner. There’s no such thing as instant love. When stepparents feel unappreciated or disrespected by their stepchildren, they will have difficulty bonding with them – causing stress for the stepfamily.
8. Attune to your partner
Eye contact and body posture demonstrate your intention to listen and compromise. Practicing what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional attunement while relaxing together can help you stay connected despite your differences. This means “turning toward” one another and showing empathy rather than “turning away.” His 40 years of research showed that happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of interactions during conflict – meaning for every negative interaction, you need five positive ones.
9. Establish an open-ended dialogue
Don’t make threats or issue ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later. Money is one of the most common things remarried couples argue about and full disclosure about finances is key to the success of the remarriage so resentment doesn’t build up.
10. Practice forgiveness
Accept that we all have flaws. Forgiveness isn’t the same as condoning the hurt done to you, but it will allow you to move on and remember you are on the same team.
The best way to beat the odds and make your second marriage succeed is to create a culture of appreciation and respect in your home. It’s also crucial to risk being vulnerable with your partner so that you can build trust and intimacy. Determination, respect, acceptance, positive communication, and having a good sense of humor can go a long way in making sure your second marriage lasts a lifetime.
Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/
Divorce can be so emotionally taxing, it's enough to make you want to swear off marriage for the rest of your life.
But don't go pledging yourself to a life of eternal singlehood just yet. We asked 10 remarried folks for their best pitch for remarriage. The points they brought up will give even the most marriage-averse divorcés second thoughts.
1. You're not looking for someone to complete you.
"Gosh, what isn't better about marriage the second time?! I'm older, wiser, more confident and no longer need someone to 'complete me.' The first time I thought, 'If we were meant to be together, it wouldn't be so hard.' Now I know that it takes work, sacrifice, perseverance and a major sense of humor. My husband is my friend, a great dad and stepdad and 'the the best husband I ever had' as I jokingly like to remind him.
Be yourself while looking for love again. So many women change themselves into the woman they think a guy wants them to be. Be you and you'll find the right person." -Lisa Miller, divorced after five years, remarried for 15 years.
2. You know damn well that you can't change your spouse.
"My second marriage is infinitely better because I am not looking to change my spouse (and there are no illusions that he could change me). It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where I know who I am, he knows who he is, we accept and love each other for who we are –- faults and all.
My advice is simply to be open. Opening yourself up to dating, relationships, love and marriage again can be scary, but don’t let someone amazing pass you by out of fear." -Kim Graham-Pfeffer, divorced after six years, remarried for two years.
3. Authenticity and honesty come a little more naturally.
"When my first marriage became irreversibly damaged, it broke something inside of each of us. It inspired months, (years, really) of self-reflection and soul searching. It made me hold up a mirror to my actions and the way I process and react to situations. It made me better. If I hadn't had the disastrous first marriage, there's no way I'd be as patient, sympathetic, motivated or as level-headed as I am now in my second marriage. It's my most deep and honest relationship. That transparency has encouraged my current husband be honest about his needs as well.
If you're hesitant to remarry, I get it. You feel foolish and embarrassed because you already took a huge leap of faith and it fell through. But take a lot of time to recuperate. Heal. Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration." -Amanda Sweeting,divorced after two years, remarried for less than a year.
4. Marriage #1 has changed you for the better.
"My wife and I are both the people we want to be this time around. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside.
If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's. Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance." -Rob Walker, divorced after 14 years, remarried for five years.
5. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all.
"My husband and I have both been married before. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things. But we also know what works and what makes it better. We have grown. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be.
Don’t lace your new promises with old regrets. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. But there’s so much to gain, too." -Nicole Jankowski, divorced after 12 years, remarried for two years.
6. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom.
"In the aftermath of my divorce, I had the opportunity to look very carefully at the man I chose the first time and how I had changed since I had met him ten years prior. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again. I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson.
Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: 'I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful. I will not be bitter. And I will love again.' I wrote a careful description of the man I wanted in my life and a few months later, I met Will. He's everything I wanted and once I figured out what it was, exactly, that I wanted, he came along." -Kristin Shaw, divorced after four years, remarried for 8 years.
7. You realize that marriage is a choice you have to make every single day.
"A second marriage is an eyes-wide-open experience; you know what kinds of work are involved and say 'yes' anyway. Plus, you endured a worst-case scenario and not just survived, but thrived! A second marriage means you’ve let go of the ’perfect spouse’ ideal, embraced your imperfections and found the unique ‘must haves’ you need in a life partner.
Remember that marriage is a choice, and if you decide to give it another go, be all in. When I put my wedding rings on each morning I consciously choose my spouse. I commit to our relationship. I acknowledge that being married means I forgive past and future transgressions, and I opt to trust. My thrice-divorced mother offers this sage advice too: 'You don’t have to marry everyone you love.'" -Penney Berryman, divorced after six years, remarried for five months after a five-year courtship.
8. You know what you want.
"You know what you're looking for and what you can live without because of your first marriage. When I I met my second wife I was so much more confident about myself and my needs.
Divorce teaches you that you can be content by yourself and that it's not worth going forward with something if you're hesitant. I never thought I would marry again or have any more kids, but I met my current wife and fell madly in love with her. There is nothing I am hesitant about anymore, except being away from her for too long!"-Matt Robertson, divorced after 10 years, remarried for just over a year.
9. You've taken ownership of what you did wrong the first time around.
"Nobody goes into their first marriages thinking they’re going to get divorced. But it happens. So if you are brave enough to try again, marriage is only better the second time around if you learn from your earlier mistakes. Both partners are older and, hopefully, wiser. And both know what they need from each other and what to do to make the relationship work.
After I got divorced, I still believed in love and in the institution of marriage. I just wasn’t in any hurry to experience it again. I dated a bit before I started dating my husband. We were together for three years before we got married. And even with taking that time, it was a little bumpy for the first couple of years. Not between us but with the process of blending our families. But really, it’s a goodthing to be a little hesitant and to not rush in to getting remarried, especially if there are kids involved." -Jennifer Cullen, divorced after seven years, remarried for eight years.
10. You're incredibly picky -- and that's a good thing.
"I entered into my 30s divorced, with a young son and determined to do better. I dated some men but no one felt right and I wouldn't just let anyone into my son's life. Eventually, two years after my divorce, I met the man I would marry. I often say that had he not come along, I'd still be single today. I look at the men I know, married and unmarried, and not one appeals to me as a spouse. I was lucky to find my very best match. My biggest complaints is that he doesn't wipe counters, he's a packrat and he's often late. But guess what? He's also wonderful father to my son and our child together. He's considerate, kind and puts my happiness above his own.
Learn how to be live without a partner and figure what you need from your next-time partner in that time. Marriage is better the second time around. I'd like to take credit for having impeccable standards and being picky, but I was lucky my current husband walked into my life. I've been happy most of the days since he showed up." -Chris Doell, divorced after nine years, remarried for 10 years.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/second-marriages-are-better-_n_6865506
