Don't let yourself off, keep on going!

As we work towards a goal or through a period of challenge, and when faced with a difficult task, when we feel tired and in need of a rest, or sometimes just when we're controlled by fear, it can be tempting to take a break, to let ourselves off, to be 'kind' to ourselves.

At times like these, it's all the more important to keep on going, to take the difficult decision, confront the unpleasant task and to have the awkward conversation. 

Through continued action, relentlessly committing to the goal and taking step-by-step eventually we'll achieve our goals and get to where we want and deserve to be.

I wish you a happy, fulfilled and successful 2018 as you work through your divorce and forwards to your new and better life. I'm right there with you, pressing ever forwards and onwards!

5 Suggestions for Navigating a Contentious Divorce

Any divorce is difficult, even when the split is amicable. After all, divorce is a major transition, and change is tough. When your divorce is contentious, not surprisingly, things are harder. A lot harder.

“People are often caught off guard by the enormity of the divorce experience,” said Krysta Dancy, MA, MFT, a therapist who specializes in working with couples and families in Roseville, Calif.

If your marriage was contentious, you probably see your divorce as a relief, so you might feel blindsided when your stress skyrockets. You might feel utterly exhausted, anxious, depressed and unfocused, Dancy said.

You might start second guessing yourself. You might question your ability to make good decisions for you and your family, said Amy Broz, a marriage and family therapist intern who works with high-conflict couples. This may stem from being in an abusive marriage. “Often, the reason my clients are going through a contentious divorce to begin with is because they have been [physically, verbally or emotionally] abused in some form or another.”

You might not even feel like yourself, Dancy said. You might feel out of control, Broz said. You might be “worried and afraid, uncertain of what the future holds.”

How do you stay sane when it feels like you’re swept up in a tornado? Below, Dancy and Broz shared five suggestions.

Create a “divorce-free zone.”

You might feel like you need to be available around the clock to deal with your divorce. Or you might feel like you need to be perpetually prepared for the latest battle. “Often, people are afraid to leave arguments unanswered because they fear their ex will score some big moral victory,” Dancy said.

Plus, thanks to technology, you’re probably bombarded with texts and emails throughout the day (and night). Many of Dancy’s clients get emails or texts first thing in the morning, during their work day and when they’re out with friends.

Constant communication means you’re constantly on high alert. Which “allows the divorce to consume your life,” Dancy said. No wonder you’re stressed out and anxious.

This is where good boundaries come in. Because as Dancy said, “You are getting divorced to have less of this person’s influence in your life, remember? [T]he more involved you are in the conflict, the more you are still in a relationship with your ex.”

She shared these examples: A “divorce-free zone” might mean setting specific hours for dealing with your divorce—a time when you’re mentally and emotionally ready to tackle the necessary tasks. It also might mean turning off your phone and muting notifications.

Identify your goals—and use them to guide your actions.

What are your goals for your divorce? What are your desired outcomes? Dancy suggested creating a list of goals and priorities—and disregarding any irrelevant drama. For instance, your priorities or desired outcomes might be: “a workable pickup/drop-off schedule for a child, a desire to see the divorce end quickly and inexpensively, or [her favorite] an emphasis on restoring peace and boundaries in your life.”

The next time a conflict arises, ask yourself: Does it “increase or decrease my chances of achieving my ultimate goal?” This way, you: a) don’t get dragged into a trivial fight (and surround yourself with more chaos); and b) save your energy for what’s really important.

Asking the above question helps you “see outside of the anger or contention of the immediate, and make sure you are still heading in the direction you most want.”

Find moments of calm.

Find practices that help you calm down and unwind anytime, anywhere. For instance, Broz’s clients like the progressive muscle relaxation exercises from the Calm app for reducing anxiety and depression. You might search for meditation videos on YouTube, which you can watch before bed. You might listen to these self-compassionate guided meditations. Or you might start attending a weekly yoga class.

Figure out which type of communication you prefer.

How you communicate is another vital boundary you can set. For instance, you might “move communication to email so that you can be mentally prepared before approaching it, and…have the chance to proofread before sending,” Dancy said.

You also might stop texting with your ex. “It is often a source of conflict and contentious communication, running through late nights and ruining beautiful moments.”

Treat your ex like a challenging colleague.

With a challenging colleague, “you have to work together, but you don’t have to get personal,” Dancy said. Which means you respond to requests and concerns in a clear, professional manner, and disregard the rest, she said.

What does this look like? For instance, along with their text about picking up the kids, your ex includes a dig or two. Instead of getting sucked into yet another argument, you only respond to the part about pick-up arrangements, Dancy said.

And remember that it’s OK to seek support, which all of us need from time to time, whatever we’re going through. Especially a difficult divorce. “It can be highly beneficial for individuals to seek out a qualified therapist to help them navigate the murky, uncharted territory of a contentious divorce,” Broz said. Because your well-being is important. And whether you believe it or not right now, you deserve to prioritize your health.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/09/05/5-suggestions-for-navigating-a-contentious-divorce/

What Smart Women Do After Divorce

Why do some women do well after divorce, while others get stuck?” a divorcing client asked me, confronting her worries head on. “I want to be happy again. I want to rely on myself and not be afraid of the future. I can’t make it without his support, but it’s tough being tied together for so many years through the kids and the money.”

Indeed, financial entanglement is a double-edged sword. Moving on is much harder for women (and men) who remain connected via a custody share, child support or alimony. How do you get closure when the contact and financial dependency continue? What’s the key to regaining your independence and confidence?

My answer is something most people already know, but nonetheless is the greatest challenge of divorce: You commit to being happy or commit to being right. The smartest women I know choose happiness, and this has been the key to rebuilding their life. I’ve observed five actions and attitudes these women adopted that made the difference in their recovery process. It’s never too late to start.

#1: No More “Woe Is Me” (ideally after the first year)

Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.

By far the most important (and most difficult) step is to impose a statute of limitations on feeling sorry for yourself, even if the conflict is ongoing. The first year, it’s normal to dwell on the loss, to cry, grieve, vent to your family and friends about every last detail. But after that, even though you’re still raw, it’s important you make a deliberate mind shift from seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what your husband did or is still doing, you don’t want to make the pain of your divorce your identity and your calling card.

Your negative feelings won’t disappear miraculously, and of course this isn’t a one-time mind shift. Sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it. You’re not unusual (nor should you be embarrassed) if you need antidepressants for some period of time to get unstuck. Many women also find it beneficial to examine their feelings in a therapeutic setting, such as private therapy, a divorce support group, or counseling services from their church/synagogue.

Friends can be a great resource, but don’t use them only as a sounding board for self-pity. If you’re hanging around a friend — divorced or otherwise — who spends her time man-bashing and telling you how you’ve been screwed, that friendship is keeping you stuck. Spend time (and connect online) with women who are upbeat and can be role models for moving forward with strength and optimism. Two blogs I like, created by women who did something constructive to deal with their divorce, are Chick Chain Walking Club and One Mom’s Battle.

One client summed up her recovery process: “I developed the strength and discipline to give my victim feelings a shelf life ... I’d say to myself, ‘I get tonight to feel sad and then tomorrow it’s back to business.’”

An added benefit of taking this step is you’ll be a role model for your children, especially a daughter, about how to recover from a life crisis.

#2: Accept the Economic Reality of Divorce

The smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see “finding another man” as the solution.

Unless you’re wealthy or a movie star, your economic level will decrease as a result of divorce. The same income that used to run one household is now running two. Women often don’t get paid the same as men for comparable work, and women’s careers are impacted by choosing to raise children — but these are facts, but not obstacles to happiness. Smart women deal with these realities in one of two ways:

• They accept this reduction in lifestyle. Their joy comes from other things, like their children and the opportunity to be an involved parent or appreciation of their job and the flexibility it affords them even if it doesn’t pay as well as a high-paying career.
• If/when the timing is right, they make the decision to increase their earnings through their own means, such as a better job, increased hours, or additional education and training.

Either of these choices leads to greater peace and self-confidence.


#3: Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan

Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.

Divorce may be the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for the future. Although it feels overwhelming, don’t stick your head in the sand with the naive hope that you’ll be able to make it forever on what you’re getting in support and assets (or that you’ll meet someone who will take care of you).

First, educate yourself about financial planning through a book, seminar, or online resource. Second, find an expert (an accountant or financial planner) with whom you can review your finances and spending. (I strongly suggest you choose an expert who charges by the hour instead of on a commission basis.)

Looking at the economic reality is a wake-up call for most women. One client said after her meeting, “I quickly saw that I need to be much more thoughtful about how I use my assets and how I spend what I am getting in support. I’m now focused on my short-term goals — reducing my spending and finding ways to supplement my income — and my long-term goals of getting the kids through college and saving enough to have a dignified life in later years. I feel more in charge of my future and less anxious as a result.”

# 4: Repeat After Me: “I Cannot Change My Ex”

Smart women recognize they can’t change their ex-husband. They pick their battles, they let go of issues that don’t really matter or can’t be changed, and they accept with grace and maturity the general unpleasantness of an ongoing custody share — knowing this is just the reality of divorce.

It’s normal to want to have a say in how your ex behaves — particularly related to the kids. But save yourself the struggle. In a strange way, this step is about taking control of your inner life by letting go of outside control.

Sharing custody involves a lot of frustrations. The most common ones I hear from women are: he cancels or is late; he feeds the kids junk food; there are no limits at his house on TV, video games or computer; he buys them toys/electronics you said no to, instead of buying the shoes and school clothes they need; he gripes about expenditures for the kids’ extracurricular; he lets them stay up past their bedtime; he doesn’t return their clothing or returns everything dirty; he doesn’t make the kids do chores, so they complain when you enforce this rule at your house; he has joint custody but you still have to take the lead on doctor and dentist appointments, school, homework, extracurricular activities and sports.
Is this behavior fair or considerate? No. Is it worth getting upset over? No. Unless he is abusing the kids or repeatedly not showing up, you can’t generally control these kinds of actions. It’s a costly endeavor to try.

I’m not saying smart women allow themselves to be doormats — they definitely don’t. Sometimes you have to put on the business hat and confront an issue with your ex. Sometimes legal action is required. Be sure the issue warrants it and has a good probability of resulting in change. And work to let go of the rest.

#5: Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And
Build a Relationship with Yourself

Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what’s meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.

We’ve seen this or been there ourselves — how men and women “lose themselves” in marriage. For many women, their identity becomes tied to their husband or children early on, and so when the marriage ends and these roles are lost or diminished, the woman feels unsure of who she is. This is one reason divorce can be a real moment of crisis.

The smartest women I’ve observed use their divorce as an opportunity for growth and maturity. They take inventory of their life, mistakes and all, and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for their future. This process takes time, patience and dedication, but in the end, these women are able to put their divorce behind them. They go on to be centered, stable, self-assured, capable women who find the happiness they felt they had lost. In fact, when I asked these women if they could turn back the clock and stay married, the answer was overwhelmingly a heartfelt “no” — they would never go back, even with all of the known challenges.

What would be on your list for recovery?

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/what-smart-women-do-after_b_1307356.html

Extremities: The Pain and Promise of Divorce

As the divorce process unfolds, especially within the first several months, you will probably go through a series of emotional extremes. The divorce, as it tears apart the fabric of your marriage, will probably tear you up as well. You will be astounded by the intensity of raw pain that can sweep over you, sometimes quite unexpectedly.

This is a dangerous time psychologically, and it may not be clear how this emotional eruption could lead to extreme consequences. The person you thought you knew and loved is no longer there, “replaced” by some scary, spiteful stranger. Frightening scenarios, involving both yourself and the other person, become immediately present as possibilities; you will no longer know what to expect from your former spouse or even from yourself. Even if you struggle to hold onto some shred of love, or at least positive feeling, for your former spouse, you will be afflicted by thoughts and feelings that seem to flood into your mind from some primitive, nightmare side of reality.

In such moments, you may feel like you are losing your mind. You can go places emotionally where no one else can reach you. You may scream, cry, shake, or rage uncontrollably. You may feel exhausted one moment and then keyed up the next. Sleep is difficult. You do not know what to do with yourself.

Violated and violent, perhaps even filled with thoughts of hurting yourself or others, you may experience the urge to act on these extreme emotions, to enact the evils which now plague you, to overcome fear by becoming frightening, to overcome alienation by making your hell real for others, to inflict what you are suffering on the one “responsible” for it, to let others know how it feels to be in such pain, to give vent to the rage, to destroy the marriage that is “destroying” you. You want your day in court; want the indifferent world to know you have been wronged!

You may be appalled at yourself, and yet continue to hold onto this desperate “remedy,” as if it were a perverse life saver, as if this pain is all that holds you together and keeps you emotionally connected with the marriage you are losing. You know that you need to “get over it,” as friends would recommend if they knew what you were feeling and contemplating, and yet it seems that “getting over it” would leave you with nothing.

This extreme state may last for a brief moment, or several days, or longer. You may be able to suppress or contain it, for the most part. Some people may not even feel it. But most do.

If you ever find yourself on this pathway toward extreme action, do not give in. Hold on. Give life a chance to make things better for you, even if you can’t see any hope and don’t have a clue about how to keep going. Take a long walk. Call someone who loves you. Seek professional assistance if necessary, but remember that the extreme pain will eventually pass, while the consequences of extreme actions may not. You are bereft now, but not forever. Seeds of new life will eventually spring up. You can look for these little hints of life, simple, small, seemingly inconsequential moments in which you catch a glimpse of something and feel yourself respond and know that you might survive.

In the throes of divorce, people experience the pain of disrupted emotional attachment. The roots of emotional attachment go very deep in our lives. Establishing and maintaining attachment is the most crucial thing at the earliest point in life; without it, we would have died as an infant. Even now, as adults, any threat to emotional attachment feels highly upsetting and dangerous. We can feel like we are dying emotionally, like there is no more life in our life.

We may try to fill the “blankness” with the “stimulation” of sex, or with endless hours of work, or with concern about the kids, or with a new relationship. But the blankness tends to remain. With time and reflection, however, there may be a shift of feeling and new emotional connections may become possible.

Surviving the breakup of a marriage or, for that matter, surviving the loss of any cherished individual, can leave us a little wiser about love. By getting a little distance from the pain, we come to know that:

• relationships can and do end;
• love has many unforeseen, but inevitable, twists and turns;
• love is based as much on a decision to remain steadfast, in spite of the inevitable twists and turns, as it is on the fulfillment of fantasy or gratification of unmet needs; and
• we can survive loss.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, by distancing ourselves from the intensity of extreme pain experienced during a breakup, we are able more fully to appreciate the gift of a meaningful, satisfying relationship and, with time, take steps to build such a relationship in the future.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/extremities-the-pain-and-promise-of-divorce/

6 Simple Steps to Make Happiness Happen

Happiness is a funny old thing. We all want it yet we rarely know how to get it. Many call it their purpose in life and say "life is too short to be unhappy". I agree with both, but I know it's not easy for everyone. It certainly wasn't easy for me—until I changed.

Growing up, I remember many saying "do this" or "do that" or "do whatever makes you happy." I know every single one of those comments were given with the desire to help. But the only thing they did was leave me more confused. What was life really about? What made me happy? What actually is happiness?

Worst of all, there was no option to study "happiness" in school. No one taught me what happiness was all about. No one gave me a lesson on what I should do to become happier. I was a little lost, to say the least.

That's why I was absolutely mesmerized when I discovered the field of positive psychology which is also known as the science of happiness and human fulfillment. I got so into it that I left my corporate job to pursue a Masters of Science in it! Finally, I was going to get the answers to my questions about happiness. Finally, someone was going to tell me what happiness actually is and how you can actually reach it.

Now, having come through to the other, happier side, I want to share my biggest steps to happiness with you. These are the ones that transformed my life and turned me into the trained optimist that I am today. These are the ones I practice and preach religiously as The Happyologist®:

1. Learn what happiness actually is and what it is not.

There are too many myths about happiness out there that do nothing except hold you back from being happy. Familiarize yourself with positive psychology to get scientific backing to your happiness journey. All it takes is a book, an online course, or a conversation with an expert to get some facts straight.

2. Discover your unique happiness.

As with most things, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to happiness. That means you need to get to know yourself to understand what it is that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Reconnect with your values, your strengths, and your purpose to build a strong foundation for your happiness journey. Then, let them lead you to a life that aligns with them.

3. Shift your perspective to a positive one.

A big chunk of your happiness comes from what goes on in your head and how you choose to perceive the world. That's why fostering a positive perspective is super important. But before you go all Pollyanna on me, let me be clear about one thing: being positive doesn't mean ignoring or shutting out the negative. Instead, it's about acknowledging the problems that you are faced with and believing in your abilities to overcome them. It's about being honest about how you feel and knowing that you will feel better again. Basically, it's about having perspective.

4. Foster your relationships.

As a human being, you need other people not only to survive but to thrive. You are your happiest when you are surrounded by your loved ones. That's why it is critical that you make the time to build and sustain strong, meaningful relationships with the people you love.

5. Use your body.

Too often we get stuck in one place, in one position for too long and before we know it, we haven't moved for three hours (if not longer!). The human body isn't designed to sit at a desk all day so make sure you are getting up, stretching or doing some kind of movements regularly.

Your body affects your mind more than you think and if it's feeling sluggish, lethargic, or low, it's difficult for your mind to feel anything else. That's why moving throughout your day, as well as having dedicated exercise sessions daily, greatly influences your happiness. Also think about clever ways to move your body that will up your mood, like hugging or smiling.

6. Make time to be still.

If your life is a mad dash from one thing to the next, happiness will have a hard time catching up to you. Make sure you're taking the time to slow down, reflect, and to simply be. This is one way you can connect with yourself in a deeper way and perhaps even get clear, intuitive answers to questions you've been pondering for weeks.

In short, there are many things you can do to welcome happiness into your life but none of them have to be difficult. Sure, some things like changing your mindset will take some time, but if you put the right effort in it will turn into a habit that will fuel you for the rest of your life.
In the end, remember that you are a human being, not a human doing. If you slow down long enough, your contentment might just come then and there.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201709/6-simple-steps-make-happiness-happen

How to Grieve After Divorce

Grief is a tricky thing. We understand the process during the death of a loved one but forget its role during divorce.

Not allowing yourself to grieve during divorce means not giving yourself the chance to heal. And not giving yourself the chance to heal means not giving yourself the chance to move on with your life. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Divorce is like death. It is okay to mourn your loss. It is completely normal to feel like your world has crashed into a million pieces and that you will never recover from divorce. When you think about it, you’re actually reeling from multiple deaths during divorce, which makes it really hard to move on if you do not grieve:

• Death of your marriage.
• Death of the life you thought you knew.
• Death of your own identity as a partner and a member of a team.

That is a lot of loss to handle. Remember, you don’t have to just swallow your pain and act tough. Be okay with the fact that you went through something awful and traumatic that rocked the world and the life you though you knew. Unless you’re made of stone, you will feel like you have been hit by a freight train.

It is okay to be angry, in denial, scared, sometimes all within 10 minutes of each other. The trick comes in being kind enough in making peace with this loss, but motivated enough not to let it hold you prisoner, especially when there are so many beautiful things in this world, just waiting for you to discover them.


Turning that grief into insight
It is possible to process grief in a healthy manner. Remember to ask yourself powerful introspective questions that will help you move on. Some of these may include:

• What emotions can I not get my head around that seem to be ruining my life right now?
• How will I mindfully manage these emotions so they do not hold me prisoner?
• I cannot change the past. Moving forward, what steps will I take to ensure that I will heal?

Learning from your own mistakes but not blaming yourself
The things we learn are only as valuable as our willingness and ability to put them into context, determine how we would handle the situation differently, and then make a proactive plan to handle things differently in the future. This approach takes much self-awareness but without it, it may be very hard to heal. Some questions to ask yourself on the road to healing may include:

• What are some of the things that I blame myself for?
• What are some of the regrets that you still harbor?
• How can you change those feelings into something positive moving forward?

Getting support and holding yourself accountable
Regardless of whether the papers were signed years ago and you are still wondering how to make sense of it, or you are knee-deep in divorce drama right now, one of the strongest things you can do is reach out for support and remember that you do not have to grieve alone.

As a way of ensuring that you will reach out to someone, make the following pledges to yourself:

• By the end of today, I will…
• By the end of the week, I will…
• By the end of the month, I will…

These accountability pledges can be as simple or as detailed as you want. The point is to set that intention to reach out for support and follow up on it.

Healing from divorce is a process. But if you remember to show yourself compassion, the journey to the next chapter of your life is possible.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/06/08/how-to-grieve-after-divorce/

The Differences in Divorce for Men and Women

The divorce rate for a first marriage in America is between 40-50%. After a first divorce, the common assumption is that a second marriage will fare better from previous learned experience. The divorce rate for a second marriage is between 60-67%. Although many people who have divorced twice continue to marry again, the success rates are not in their favor. The divorce rate for a third marriage increases to roughly 70%.

Couples with children have a slightly lower rate of breaking up, but divorce impacts more than just the children. Both wife and husband are greatly impacted by divorce. They suffer in both similar and different ways depending on their gender.

Feelings of loss that commonly occur in both husbands and wives can include:

• Depression. This can frequently cause a lack of ambition or feelings of guilt. Both parties may lose interest in activities they once loved doing.
• Anger. Unresolved resentments may arise. When trying to “hold the peace”, many conflicts remain invisible. Once the divorce is set in motion, many feel the need to air secrets they’ve kept out of conservation for the marriage.
• Jealousy. Even if a spouse was not involved in an extramarital affair, the knowledge that he/she may be dating can lead to powerful emotions. If the couple remains in the same town, they may find themselves bumping into their ex with another partner. These incidents can fester for a significant amount of time.
• Anxiety. With divorce comes change and most people fear the unknown. The majority of couples move out of their house. They may move to an entirely different location or they may enter a foreign social scene to avoid their ex. Common interests may be avoided out of fear. The routines that were once so commonly executed on a daily basis, may be completely different than what they once were.

A form of identity is lost during divorce. Where one lives, what school their children may attend, and who they confide in are all subject to change. Since the “unit” of marriage often involves friendships with other couples, expressing dissatisfaction with their previous married life may feel uncomfortable. These friends may only know the divorcing couple as a married couple, making it increasingly difficult to separate an independent identity from the marriage identity. Financially, sexually, and socially, all aspects of individuality change for both men and women.

The Journal of Men’s Health states divorce can have a greater toll on men than women. Men are prone to deeper depressions and more likely to abuse substances after divorce. The suicide risk for an unmarried man is 39 percent higher than that of a married man. Men are also at greater risk for physical health problems such as heart attacks and stroke.

Men start to mourn later in a divorce than women, thus extending the grieving process. Since women are more likely to initiate divorce, men may experience denial during the initial stages of separation.

When actively dealing with divorce, men are more likely to use action rather than words to express their feelings. Common actions taken by newly divorced men include, working too much, having casual sexual encounters, avoiding their apartment/new home.

Women experience more financial distress after the divorce. Since often times women have custody of the children, they are responsible for more of the household and family expenses than men. According to an article in the American Sociological Review, ‘The Effect of Marriage and Divorce on Women’s Economic Well-Being’, women do not completely recover from their financial loss due to divorce until they remarry.

Women have less physical health problems than men in the beginning of their divorce. Because of psychological stress and often poverty, physical health is the outcome of these results. These physical health problems can range from the common cold to heart conditions and even cancer.

Although the statistics may range in severity from men to women, most symptoms are frequently the same. Healing from a divorce is like healing from any other sort of loss. It must be acknowledged, felt, and grieved for as long as the time is needed.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/08/07/the-differences-in-divorce-for-men-and-women/

6 Tips for Staying Healthy During a Divorce

Divorce. It’s a word right up there with death and taxes when it comes to conjuring up feelings up misery, pain, heartache, and stress. While more than 90% of Americans will marry by the age of fifty, according to the American Psychological Association, at least 40-50% of marriages will end in divorce. As one of those statistics, I can confirm the experience of those who have gone through it — divorce sucks.

But divorce need not be viewed solely as an ending, but also as the start of a new beginning. After all, change is synonymous with opportunity. Still, divorce is one of the most challenging things you may be faced with in life. Make no mistake, divorce is a trauma, and the body and mind will need time and attention to heal. With that in mind, here are six tips for making the best of it in terms of staying healthy during and after a divorce.

1. Stay Sharp and Lean into the Pain

The one piece of advice I received more than anything in the months following my divorce was to “go have fun.” To me that sounded like I should party a lot and play the field. But I also received another piece of advice from someone who helped me through my divorce, which countered the “have fun” mantra. “You must lean into the pain,” she said. It sounded like something my boxing coach would say, so I took her up on it.


Not to toot my own horn, but I didn’t heed the “have fun” advice from my friends. Instead, I didn’t drink a drop of alcohol for a year following my divorce. Thankfully, alcohol wasn’t a factor in my failed marriage, but still I recognized that alcohol is a depressant, a dulling agent, and an escape, so I chose to abstain. What divorcees need more than anything is to face trauma, not avoid it. It’s tempting to dull and mask pain. But as bad as pain is in any manifestation (physical, mental, or emotional), there is only one way through it — meeting it head on.

2. Remember to Eat, and Eat Well

In stressful scenarios, people tend to do one of two things — they gain weight or they lose weight. You might think losing weight sounds good, but neither of these scenarios is good for you. Stress manifested in the body is a bad thing. Stress causes sickness and wreaks havoc on our lives.

Food, like exercise, is one of the critical nourishing agents in the body. But eating during a really stressful time is easier said than done. When your heart is broken sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is eating. Smoothies and juicing are great way to get your body lots of micronutrients and nourishment without the chore of having to muscle down food when you aren’t hungry. Try a blend of unsweetened nut milk, spinach, avocado, natural protein powder, and a cup of fruit.

3. Find a Mind-Body Practice That Works for You

I worked extensively with a counselor, or “spiritual advisor,” following my divorce. Part of that process was exploring different chakras and energy systems in the body, and delving into the connection between emotional and physical pain.

Another part of my mind-body practice during my divorce was training in the martial arts.One rainy Saturday shortly after my divorce, I went through a muay Thai testing and literally got the crap beat out of me. It was both grueling and cathartic. In a metaphorical way, it was comforting to know I could take the hits, get knocked down, and get back up.
Understandably, getting hit or rolling around on mats might not be your thing, so the martial arts are certainly not for everyone. Other great options for mind-body connectedness are yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer, and even simply deep abdominal breathing.

4. Find a Release for Your Rage

Suppressed rage has been linked to everything from lower back pain to mass shootings. But in our politically correct culture, hitting things is not okay. Yet, we as humans are hard wired to be aggressive beings. Regardless of your opinion on whether humans should ever hit anything or anyone, one thing is for certain — rage needs a release. I know I’m not alone in this thought based on a recent news story I saw on the popularity of “rage rooms” where people pay to go in to padded rooms armed with baseball bats and destroy old computers, etc.

Again, activities like martial arts and boxing enable you to let out some aggressive anger while connecting to the internal art of finding breath and awareness. Even if it’s just putting boxing gloves on to hit a heavy bag or locking yourself in a room and screaming for a few minutes, you must find a way to release your rage — or it will come back to bite you and will inhibit your healing process.

5. Recover and Rest Well

I am a member at a sports recovery lounge where I sit in hot tubs, compression boots, and the sauna next to the likes of professional and competitive athletes. Those athletes continuously suffer physical traumas of every sort from micro muscle tears to significant physical injury. The thing about physical injury is that it has mental ramifications and vice versa. So during a time of emotional trauma, it’s important to help your body recover, as well.

In addition to the treatments you might find at a recovery lounge, other effective modalities include massage, acupuncture, and reiki. Of course, another element to recovering well is literally resting. Without question, sleep is essential for both physical and emotional recovery.

A word of caution: Be aware if you’re sleeping too much. While lack of sleep is linked to sickness and depression, so is too much sleep.

6. Exercise Frequently, But with Balance

Exercise is always listed near or at the top of the list when it comes to stress relief. But there can be too much of a good thing. Over exercising can become a literal manifestation of “running away” from your trauma. Nonetheless, exercising regularly post-divorce is critical. 

Again, think of your body symbolically. That is, when you are brokenhearted and physically stressed, what your body most needs is nourishment and to get strong again.

Think about hiring a trainer to push you to get stronger both literally and figuratively. Flexibility is also a must, so consider options like yoga and Pilates. Ultimately, exercise will help you to manage stress, sleep better, feel better, and even look better.

Your Healing Is a Balance and a Process

In the end, managing your way through a divorce is a balancing act. The blend and balance of healing your body, mind, and heart is part of the journey. Exercising is good, but watch for too much. Eating right is important, so make sure you get enough but not too much. 

Community and social support is vital, but so is your mindfulness and alone time.


A divorce is hard, but it, like any other trauma, can make you stronger and more resilient if you have the right game plan and the willingness to face it head on.

Source: https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-stay-healthy-during-a-divorce/

Lessons I Have Learned Post Divorce

Today I am reflecting on some of the lessons I have learned during and post divorce.

Happiness is a choice

This may seem obvious to some of you, but when you are caught up in a continual cycle of drama you may not be able to see that removing yourself from a negative situation is your choice. I have learned to remove myself from negative people and negative situations that don’t have a positive impact on my life. In nearly all situations I ask myself “does this make me happy?” or “do I feel good about this?” if the answer is “No” then it’s not something I pursue. You can use the ‘joy or annoy’ method! Bin the things, situations and people that annoy, keep the ones that bring you joy.

Forgiveness is required to move forward

Right now this may seem impossible for you and admittedly I still find it hard to fully forgive my ex and his (now) wife for turning my world upside-down and putting me in a very difficult situation. Not only did their actions affect me emotionally and mentally, being coerced in to bankruptcy and denied rights to an equal divorce has continued to affect my life and financial situation for nearly 5 years.

However, I am reminded of the quote “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“ ~ Buddha. I must accept that I will never receive an apology for what they put me through and that by holding on to resentment, the only person getting hurt is me!

The UK legal system is flawed

Maybe I didn’t select the right representation or maybe I was just a small fish in a big pond. If my solicitor had told me right from the start that I would get nothing from my ex due to my bankruptcy then I NEVER would have pursued him to pay my mum back what she was owed from the house. If I had known that he would come after my business/livelihood and that legally he was entitled to, I would have taken steps to protect it and myself. All in all it was a costly and emotionally damaging exercise where he kept everything and my mum only received a fraction of what she was due. I received nothing and still owe my dad for the cost of the divorce. If I could turn back the clock, my choice of solicitor and route to divorce would be completely different. My advice would be; do some research, select the right route to divorce for you and if going down the route of using a solicitor, choose someone you feel comfortable with.

Psychopaths exist outside of the movies

I have dated a psychopath, post divorce, and believe I may also have married one. I believe no decent human being would act in a malicious manner to intentionally hurt a vulnerable person.

It’s ok to ask for help

I fought for ages about seeking professional help. My defense was “I’m fine!”. On reflection, the early days of the split were when I needed help the most, over 4 years on I believe that this lack of professional help in the early stages has impacted on how I deal with my emotions now. Go get help and don’t be embarrassed about it!

Stress is a choice, depression is not

I choose to be self-employed, therefore I can choose whether to be stressed about work, deadlines or life in general. It is in my power to keep stress at a minimum level. For years I thought I thrived in stressful situations, procrastinating on projects and leaving it to the last minute to meet the deadline as working under pressure produced the best results... or so I thought! Having tried to lose weight for over 4 years and consistently putting it on, I am beginning to understand (and be educated on) the impact of stress on the body. Having been diagnosed with depression and ignoring this diagnosis I am now bigger than I have ever been, EVEN THOUGH I eat well and have 3 personal training sessions a week and complete my step goal each day. I have drastically changed some habits to reduce my stress levels and I am working on others. I may just have to succumb to the idea that all though mentally I feel ‘fine’, my body is telling me that I am depressed.

Acceptance is key

In order to move forward you must accept what has happened and learn to find peace with it. Some people may say ‘things happen for a reason’. I used to HATE it when people threw this cliché at me, but now I find myself saying it to others in times of emotional turmoil. I have accepted the role I played in the end of my marriage and have accepted that in order to have a happy life I must follow my own advice and forgive those who have caused me hurt.

Money isn’t everything

Going through bankruptcy alone and living off a small wage was a lesson I would never have wanted to learn in a million years! I was a high flyer in marketing, loved shopping and home-making... But shit happens and I dealt with it, day by day. I am still tarnished with the ‘bankruptcy brush’ as I can’t get a mortgage or write a cheque or get a credit card, but it has taught me that the important thing in life is not how much money is in the bank but how much love there is around you. My family, friends, pets and my home are among the MOST important things to me and I am truly grateful to have them in my life.

Choose your friends wisely

I learned very early on after my split that there are some friends who will be there no matter what, they’ll give you the truth even if it hurts because they care - hold on to them and don’t let them go, and there are some friends who stick around because they a) feel guilty b) are nosey c) love drama & gossip - avoid these at all costs! Delete them from social media, no need to be nasty or cause further drama, just be aware of who in your life makes a positive impact and who doesn’t.

Finally - Embrace change and all the lessons life throws at you!

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-hall1/lessons-i-have-learned-po_b_14705708.html

How Long Does "Typical" Divorce Recovery Take?

If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong

One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?

My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.

I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.

In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below.
*(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.)

While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side.

Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery

1. Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone
2. Don't talk about your grief/feelings
3. Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power)
4. Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away
5. Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together
6. Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry
7. Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions
8. Don't accept your new reality and move on
9. Don't trust that things will work out
10. Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors

Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery

1. Ask for help & let help in
2. Talk about your grief with others
3. Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
4. Face each obstacle as it arises
5. Let others know when you're not feeling well
6. Allow your feelings to come to the surface
7. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
8. Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!)
9. Have trust/faith that things will work out
10. Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process

While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."

I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take

4 Habits That Can Derail Your Divorce Recovery

Divorce is in many ways similar to death. Like death, there are different stages of divorce a person must transition through before they can completely move on.

The final stage, recovery, might be the most difficult. It’s natural for many men to want to cling to that failed relationship and replay in their minds what went wrong. It’s a vicious cycle that can lead to feelings of blame, self-loathing, anger and depression.

Men and women often deal with breakups differently, and men face a myriad of different health risks after divorce, including an increase in early mortality rate by up to 250 percent.
During this recovery process, it is important to realize that life will eventually go on and you can even come out of it better off than before.

It is critical during this time to take the proper steps to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. There are many positive things you can do to help speed the recovery process, — including taking up a new hobby, working to maintain a positive social life, and giving yourself the proper amount of time you need to grieve.

At the same time, there are quite a few things you need to avoid that can hinder your divorce recovery.

Here are four habits to stay away from during the divorce recovery period:

Avoid holding everything inside.

Many people consider divorce to be a private matter. It’s incredibly frustrating and annoying when you know there are friends, neighbors and family members gossiping about what happened between you and your spouse.

When that’s the case, it’s natural to want to shut everyone out. While it’s not necessary, or healthy, to share details of your divorce with everyone, bottling everything up isn’t a good idea either.

Depression is a common side effect of divorce and it isn’t something you should have to take on alone. Find some people you know you can trust to confide in. Simply venting and letting off some steam can be one of the most effective coping strategies post-divorce.
You might also consider counseling. Counselors and therapists can play a key role in your divorce recovery.

Don’t cope by turning to alcohol.

One of the most common mistakes men make after a divorce is trying to numb their pain by drinking alcohol. This is one of the most self-destructive decisions you can make.

Statistically, men are more likely than women to turn to drinking after divorce. Abusing alcohol or other substances can delay the recovery process and lead to a myriad of other mental and physical health problems.

Throwing back a few beers or cocktails probably will numb your pain temporarily, but alcohol is a depressant that has been linked to depression and many other health problems.

Don’t become a recluse.

You’re probably not going to feel very good for a while after your divorce as it takes time to adjust to being single again.

That’s OK. Just don’t totally shut down and become reclusive.

Try to turn the idea of being alone into a positive. Look at it this way, you now have more freedom than you’ve likely had in years. This is a perfect time to take up new hobbies, refocus on your career and reconnect with old friends you’ve lost touch with.

Embrace being a bachelor again!

Don’t jump into a new relationship right away. (But don’t give up on dating again either.)

While it’s important to stay active, you can also go too far the other way by immediately getting back into a relationship.

Just because your last relationship failed doesn’t mean you will never find love again. Plenty of people resume dating following divorce and are able to build happy, healthy relationships with a significant other.

However, immediately jumping into a rebound relationship before you’ve had time to fully recover is a crucial mistake many men make. Like alcohol, a new relationship can help take your mind off your pain temporarily, but if you haven’t taken the proper time to heal, it will likely lead to more hurt and confusion.

There is a reason the failure rate of second and third marriages are so high.

Additionally, dating too soon after a breakup can create stress and hurt for your kids. If you introduce a new girlfriend to them too soon, they might resent you both for trying to replace their mother. While you need to look after yourself, it’s also important to put your children’s best interest before everything else after a divorce.

Just because you’re not actively dating doesn’t mean you can’t lead an active social life, but make sure you take your time before getting back into the game.

Source: http://dadsdivorce.com/articles/4-habits-that-can-derail-your-divorce-recovery/

24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never EVER Believe!

The biggest lies you've heard about divorce recovery... debunked!

Maybe "lies" is a bit strong; maybe the words "myths" or "stories" work better. Regardless, there is a lot of pervasive misinformation (and bad advice) about divorce out there. So I'm here to help debunk it—because divorce is hard enough without accidently making it even harder.

I've seen so many people suffer needlessly when trying to recover from their divorce as a result of believing these untruths; if you're starting over again, don't let these lies influence you.

I also suffered from divorce recovery lies when I divorced. I believed the notion that all divorces are basically the same AND that I'd get over my divorce more quickly if I didn't think about it or allow myself to feel much anger about it.

I believed that if I started dating, it meant I must be over my divorce. I didn't understand that those were such false misconceptions. But I learned—the hard way. I don't want that to happen to you. There is no one way divorce "should" go. So here are the most false ideas about divorce out there. Don't let these "lies" limit you, your healing, or your truth:

1. All divorces are basically the same. Divorces are all different. Laws vary depending on where you live. Your marriage was not like anyone else's marriage because you and your ex-spouse are two unique individuals. Your divorce will be just as unique as you are.
There might be similarities between your divorce and someone else's that you can use to help with your divorce recovery, but it won't be the same.

2. It takes one year for every four years of marriage to get over your divorce. False.
From my experience as a divorce coach, everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to recover from their divorce. Some people who stayed married for years find it fairly easy to get through their divorce recovery, and others never do.

What I believe is that it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest in yourself and moving on with your life, as to how quickly you'll start to feel better again.

3. Everyone going through divorce has the same emotions in the same order. This is just so wrong. There are similarities to the emotions that people experience when dealing with divorce recovery, but everyone experiences them in a different order, in different intensities, and for different durations.

4. The pain of divorce decreases linearly over time. For most people, the pain of divorce is more cyclical than linear. At first the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly, but over time they tend to decrease in intensity and variety. Flare-ups occur at any time after they've decreased.

5. Once you think you're over your divorce, it never comes up again.As I mentioned in the discussion about the previous lie, the painful emotions of divorce can flare up after you think the worst is over. The times when people might see a flare up are at the holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, but not everyone does.

6. Your family members will always help you as you go through divorce. As much as I wish this wasn't a lie, it is. It's not so much a lie because you can't count on your family, but because most families don't know how to help you get through divorce ... unless you're getting through it exactly as they expect you to.

So, although most people can count on their families for help, they won't always provide the exact help you need and want, when you need and want it.

7. It's not OK to feel sorry for yourself. Now, I'm not advocating becoming a puddle of self-pity, but it's OK to feel bad for yourself when you're going through a divorce. The hopes, dreams, and expectations you had when you got married won't come true.

Most people experience grief when that happens. It's OK for you to feel some sadness for yourself; however, if that's the only thing you're feeling, you might want to reach out to someone and get more support to heal.

8. You'll get over your divorce quicker if you just avoid thinking about it. Stuffing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce is not the best answer. When I did this, I wound up with health problems, including anorexia and anxiety attacks. So, at least in my case, trying to ignore what was going on actually made things worse.

9. You should feel really angry at your ex. Most people feel anger at their ex at some point during their divorce, but it's not a requirement. There are examples of people who get divorced and actually gain the ability to communicate with each other.
I have some neighbors who are recently divorced; they went through a period of intense anger, but now communicate better than in the marriage.

10. Everyone gets depressed when they go through divorce. Most people experience sadness (sometimes intense sadness) when they get divorced, but sadness is not synonymous with depression.

11. If you haven't been married for very long, you should get over it quicker than someone who remained married for many years. There really are no rules about how long it takes you to get over divorce. I know of one woman whose husband asked for a divorce after nine months of marriage. Devastated, it took her about a year to get over the grief.

I know of another woman married for about a year and got divorced, but she was over it within a couple of months. I also know of people married for 10+ years who were over their divorce before the decree finalized.

12. There's a reason there's no divorce ritual/celebration or marriage funeral—they aren't needed. Despite the fact that for every two marriages in the US this year there will be approximately one divorce, divorce is still looked at as a process that isn't something to celebrate or recognize. Maybe we consider it too personal.

For many people, having public recognition of the fact that the marriage is over is extremely helpful in putting an end to the marriage and a beginning to a newly single life.

13. The intensity and length of your anger, depression, and loneliness are directly proportional to how invested you were in your marriage.Bull. The intensity and length of your emotions is directly proportional to your ability to accept and work through them.

14. There is something wrong with you if you feel like part of you died when your marriage ended. It's pretty common to feel like part of you died when your marriage ends. The part of you that was the spouse in your marriage is no more, and it's OK to grieve the loss of that role.

15. Every divorce attorney only has their client's best interests at heart.How I wish this wasn't a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Just like in any profession, there are good ones and not so good ones. Having an attorney who truly does have your best interests at heart can make your divorce recovery that much easier, as you're not as stressed about the legalities of your divorce.

16. You attorney is also going to help you recover from your divorce.As caring and supportive as your attorney might be, they probably aren't the best-equipped to help you recover from your divorce. However, they probably have a great referral or two for you to get the help you deserve.

17. Everyone takes anti-depressants when they get divorced. This is like when we were teenagers and told our parents that everyone else was doing it, so we needed to do it, too. It's just not true that everyone needs anti-depressants when they get divorced.
In my opinion, we've normalized depression and are ready to take a pill for a "quick fix," instead of really exploring what's going on.

18. Your ex is the reason your marriage failed. Even if your ex behaved in a way that necessitated your divorce, you still played some small role in the failure of the marriage. Even if that role was only agreeing to the marriage, the faster you come to terms with your part in the end of the marriage, the faster you'll be able to recover from your divorce.

19. You should feel really sad when you get divorced. You might feel sad, you might feel relieved, you might feel angry, OR you might feel some other emotion. There's no rule that says the only emotion you should feel during divorce is sadness.

20. You don't need any time to adjust to your newly single life; you should continue doing everything you were doing before just fine. The truth is that for most people, getting divorced is stressful. Any added stress makes doing what you've always done much more difficult. So please, be gentle with yourself when you're going through divorce and allow extra time to take care of YOU.

21. You should start dating right away. Not everyone feels ready to date when they get divorced. There's no reason that you must start dating right away. Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to date.

22. The sooner you get into another relationship, the faster you'll get over your divorce. This works for a few people, but most people need to have a little bit of time to get to know themselves again before jumping into a new relationship.

23. Getting divorced means you are a failure. Getting divorced only means that your marriage didn't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you as a person.

24. Your friends will always support you. This is another one I wish wasn't on this list of lies. Your friends will support you to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, for some, they might not have any ability to support you. The thing to remember is that they're behaving in ways that make the most sense to them, not necessarily in ways that make the most sense to you.

Be honest, how many of lies on this list do you believe? If you're like most people I work with, you probably believe most of them. Heck, I believed most of them when I got divorced.
So, here's your functional divorce assignment:

Which of the lies were you surprised to see on the list? Most of us don't realize that what we, and those around us, believe about divorce isn't true.

What beliefs do you have about divorce that you now wonder are lies?It's common for lists like the one above to trigger other thoughts about what other lies it should include. Here's your chance to explore some of your beliefs about divorce and decide if you still want to believe them or not.

How has reading this article changed your thoughts about your divorce recovery? When I share these fallacies about divorce with my clients, their first response is denial that they believe any of the lies. Then, when we dig a bit deeper, they recognize they might have bought into one or two of them. Once they make that discovery, we're able to directly address some of the obstacles they've had, and they're able to get through the remainder of their divorce recovery much quicker.

Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-karen-finn/lies-about-divorce-recovery