24 Ridiculous Divorce Lies You Should Never EVER Believe!

The biggest lies you've heard about divorce recovery... debunked!

Maybe "lies" is a bit strong; maybe the words "myths" or "stories" work better. Regardless, there is a lot of pervasive misinformation (and bad advice) about divorce out there. So I'm here to help debunk it—because divorce is hard enough without accidently making it even harder.

I've seen so many people suffer needlessly when trying to recover from their divorce as a result of believing these untruths; if you're starting over again, don't let these lies influence you.

I also suffered from divorce recovery lies when I divorced. I believed the notion that all divorces are basically the same AND that I'd get over my divorce more quickly if I didn't think about it or allow myself to feel much anger about it.

I believed that if I started dating, it meant I must be over my divorce. I didn't understand that those were such false misconceptions. But I learned—the hard way. I don't want that to happen to you. There is no one way divorce "should" go. So here are the most false ideas about divorce out there. Don't let these "lies" limit you, your healing, or your truth:

1. All divorces are basically the same. Divorces are all different. Laws vary depending on where you live. Your marriage was not like anyone else's marriage because you and your ex-spouse are two unique individuals. Your divorce will be just as unique as you are.
There might be similarities between your divorce and someone else's that you can use to help with your divorce recovery, but it won't be the same.

2. It takes one year for every four years of marriage to get over your divorce. False.
From my experience as a divorce coach, everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to recover from their divorce. Some people who stayed married for years find it fairly easy to get through their divorce recovery, and others never do.

What I believe is that it depends on how much effort you're willing to invest in yourself and moving on with your life, as to how quickly you'll start to feel better again.

3. Everyone going through divorce has the same emotions in the same order. This is just so wrong. There are similarities to the emotions that people experience when dealing with divorce recovery, but everyone experiences them in a different order, in different intensities, and for different durations.

4. The pain of divorce decreases linearly over time. For most people, the pain of divorce is more cyclical than linear. At first the emotions of divorce are intense and change rapidly, but over time they tend to decrease in intensity and variety. Flare-ups occur at any time after they've decreased.

5. Once you think you're over your divorce, it never comes up again.As I mentioned in the discussion about the previous lie, the painful emotions of divorce can flare up after you think the worst is over. The times when people might see a flare up are at the holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions, but not everyone does.

6. Your family members will always help you as you go through divorce. As much as I wish this wasn't a lie, it is. It's not so much a lie because you can't count on your family, but because most families don't know how to help you get through divorce ... unless you're getting through it exactly as they expect you to.

So, although most people can count on their families for help, they won't always provide the exact help you need and want, when you need and want it.

7. It's not OK to feel sorry for yourself. Now, I'm not advocating becoming a puddle of self-pity, but it's OK to feel bad for yourself when you're going through a divorce. The hopes, dreams, and expectations you had when you got married won't come true.

Most people experience grief when that happens. It's OK for you to feel some sadness for yourself; however, if that's the only thing you're feeling, you might want to reach out to someone and get more support to heal.

8. You'll get over your divorce quicker if you just avoid thinking about it. Stuffing your thoughts and feelings about your divorce is not the best answer. When I did this, I wound up with health problems, including anorexia and anxiety attacks. So, at least in my case, trying to ignore what was going on actually made things worse.

9. You should feel really angry at your ex. Most people feel anger at their ex at some point during their divorce, but it's not a requirement. There are examples of people who get divorced and actually gain the ability to communicate with each other.
I have some neighbors who are recently divorced; they went through a period of intense anger, but now communicate better than in the marriage.

10. Everyone gets depressed when they go through divorce. Most people experience sadness (sometimes intense sadness) when they get divorced, but sadness is not synonymous with depression.

11. If you haven't been married for very long, you should get over it quicker than someone who remained married for many years. There really are no rules about how long it takes you to get over divorce. I know of one woman whose husband asked for a divorce after nine months of marriage. Devastated, it took her about a year to get over the grief.

I know of another woman married for about a year and got divorced, but she was over it within a couple of months. I also know of people married for 10+ years who were over their divorce before the decree finalized.

12. There's a reason there's no divorce ritual/celebration or marriage funeral—they aren't needed. Despite the fact that for every two marriages in the US this year there will be approximately one divorce, divorce is still looked at as a process that isn't something to celebrate or recognize. Maybe we consider it too personal.

For many people, having public recognition of the fact that the marriage is over is extremely helpful in putting an end to the marriage and a beginning to a newly single life.

13. The intensity and length of your anger, depression, and loneliness are directly proportional to how invested you were in your marriage.Bull. The intensity and length of your emotions is directly proportional to your ability to accept and work through them.

14. There is something wrong with you if you feel like part of you died when your marriage ended. It's pretty common to feel like part of you died when your marriage ends. The part of you that was the spouse in your marriage is no more, and it's OK to grieve the loss of that role.

15. Every divorce attorney only has their client's best interests at heart.How I wish this wasn't a lie. Unfortunately, it is. Just like in any profession, there are good ones and not so good ones. Having an attorney who truly does have your best interests at heart can make your divorce recovery that much easier, as you're not as stressed about the legalities of your divorce.

16. You attorney is also going to help you recover from your divorce.As caring and supportive as your attorney might be, they probably aren't the best-equipped to help you recover from your divorce. However, they probably have a great referral or two for you to get the help you deserve.

17. Everyone takes anti-depressants when they get divorced. This is like when we were teenagers and told our parents that everyone else was doing it, so we needed to do it, too. It's just not true that everyone needs anti-depressants when they get divorced.
In my opinion, we've normalized depression and are ready to take a pill for a "quick fix," instead of really exploring what's going on.

18. Your ex is the reason your marriage failed. Even if your ex behaved in a way that necessitated your divorce, you still played some small role in the failure of the marriage. Even if that role was only agreeing to the marriage, the faster you come to terms with your part in the end of the marriage, the faster you'll be able to recover from your divorce.

19. You should feel really sad when you get divorced. You might feel sad, you might feel relieved, you might feel angry, OR you might feel some other emotion. There's no rule that says the only emotion you should feel during divorce is sadness.

20. You don't need any time to adjust to your newly single life; you should continue doing everything you were doing before just fine. The truth is that for most people, getting divorced is stressful. Any added stress makes doing what you've always done much more difficult. So please, be gentle with yourself when you're going through divorce and allow extra time to take care of YOU.

21. You should start dating right away. Not everyone feels ready to date when they get divorced. There's no reason that you must start dating right away. Take your time and you'll know when you're ready to date.

22. The sooner you get into another relationship, the faster you'll get over your divorce. This works for a few people, but most people need to have a little bit of time to get to know themselves again before jumping into a new relationship.

23. Getting divorced means you are a failure. Getting divorced only means that your marriage didn't work out. It doesn't necessarily mean anything about you as a person.

24. Your friends will always support you. This is another one I wish wasn't on this list of lies. Your friends will support you to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, for some, they might not have any ability to support you. The thing to remember is that they're behaving in ways that make the most sense to them, not necessarily in ways that make the most sense to you.

Be honest, how many of lies on this list do you believe? If you're like most people I work with, you probably believe most of them. Heck, I believed most of them when I got divorced.
So, here's your functional divorce assignment:

Which of the lies were you surprised to see on the list? Most of us don't realize that what we, and those around us, believe about divorce isn't true.

What beliefs do you have about divorce that you now wonder are lies?It's common for lists like the one above to trigger other thoughts about what other lies it should include. Here's your chance to explore some of your beliefs about divorce and decide if you still want to believe them or not.

How has reading this article changed your thoughts about your divorce recovery? When I share these fallacies about divorce with my clients, their first response is denial that they believe any of the lies. Then, when we dig a bit deeper, they recognize they might have bought into one or two of them. Once they make that discovery, we're able to directly address some of the obstacles they've had, and they're able to get through the remainder of their divorce recovery much quicker.

Source: http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-karen-finn/lies-about-divorce-recovery

8 Mistakes I Made Divorcing A Narcissist — And How To Avoid Them

One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.
I clearly remember the moment my marriage ended. I didn't realize it then, but when my therapist stopped me mid-sentence and told me that it wasn't OK for my husband to treat me that way, it marked the beginning of my chaotic tumble toward divorce.

Unfortunately, our divorce was even more traumatic than the marriage itself. Narcissists, as I eventually learned, do not go quietly into the night; they use the legal system as yet another weapon in their arsenal of manipulation and fear. No lies are too far-fetched or outlandish for narcissists to tell. Divorce, to a narcissist, is just another way for them to continue their abuse, and the legal system becomes an unwitting pawn in their pathological game.

It's been four years since that moment in my therapist's office, and two years since my divorce was finalized. While most of the wounds have healed by now, if I had to do it over again, I would make many different choices along the way.

These are the top eight mistakes I made divorcing a narcissist, and how you can avoid making them yourself:

1. Don't accept the narcissist's version of history

Even amicable divorces don't tend to bring out the best in people, and people often find themselves questioning whether they ever really knew their spouse at all. Narcissists, however, misrepresent themselves from the get-go. As hard as it is to accept that the person you loved may have been lying to you all along, it's important to go back and revisit what you thought you knew about your spouse to adequately prepare for court.

2. Don't trust their olive branches

Narcissists need a constant supply of love and validation from their spouses. As soon as the relationship ends, you are no longer useful to them, and they will no longer feel any obligation to treat you civilly, much less with kindness. As a result, any and all overtures that seem to be based in compassion or concern for your well-being should be immediately viewed with suspicion.

One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.

3. Don't get sucked in

During my divorce, I was shocked when my ex flat-out lied in court about things I had said. I quickly learned never to have a conversation with him anywhere other than in writing. I notified him that I would no longer speak to him in person or over the phone. Although he tried to start conversations during drop-offs, I simply ignored him and focused on my kids, and he eventually stopped trying.

Through time, I also recognized that he was using email to bait me. I learned to answer only the emails that were absolutely necessary, such as logistical questions about vacation time or drop-offs, and to keep them as brief, firm, and business-like as possible. Everything else went unanswered, no matter how inflammatory. The best way to strip a narcissist of his power isn't by arguing and feeding into his toxic and dysfunctional cycles — it's by refusing to engage at all.

4. Don't fall for the narcissist's script

Every narcissist has a pattern, if you look closely enough, and it is generally one of diversion. My ex's response to every situation where he was at fault in our relationship was the same; instead of discussing problems I raised, he would divert the conversation to a completely unrelated behavior of mine.

It is incredibly difficult to unravel a narcissist's script, particularly without being accused of being "high conflict." Had I been less caught off guard by my ex's diversionary techniques during our divorce, and recognized that they were the logical escalation of his relationship patterns, I could have focused on re-framing the real issues instead of constantly responding to his accusations. Dismissing his accusations out of hand would have removed their power (and his) and allowed me to focus my energies on the real issues, instead.

5. Don't expect to be believed in court — but make sure you have someone who does

My ex admitted to me before we separated that he had been lying to me, manipulating me, reading my email and my diary, and even engaging in emotional abuse. Suddenly, all of the strange behavior that had made me feel crazy wasn't so crazy at all — it was unmasked as purposeful, pathological gaslighting.

Because I was telling the truth, I naively expected that the court system would believe me. I quickly learned that emotional abuse largely doesn't exist in a court room and that the truth doesn't matter much, either.

Unfortunately, there is no magical solution to a broken legal system. What you can do to prevent re-victimization, however, is ensure that you do not look for validation of your experiences from a court. Instead, it is vital to have a solid support system in place with a designated person (preferably who has dealt with a narcissist) who can listen to you, hear you, validate your experience, and remind you that it isn't your fault.

6. Don't assume your abuse ended along with the marriage

One of the most frustrating things about divorcing a narcissist is that the abuse they inflict leaves serious damage, but the divorce occurs long before it has healed. Plus, since most abusers ramp up their abuse when their spouse tries to leave, the separation is often the most traumatic part of the relationship. This can leave the abused spouse reeling while the abuser is calm, collected, and methodically planning his every move. If the victim isn't careful, it's easy to play directly into his hand.

It is important to recognize that you are still being actively abused during the divorce, and as such, it is not possible to fully heal from the abuse. When victims acknowledge that the abuse is ongoing, it can help them refrain from making large life decisions and instead focus on stabilizing everything from their finances to their emotions. This emphasis on creating self-care routines and positive habits can bandage the wounds until the divorce is over and more active healing can begin.

7. Don't assume all attorneys are created equal

Once, in the middle of our mediation session, my ex became angry over a procedural point and halted the session while he raged at his attorney. As we waited for my ex to calm down, my attorney and the mediator kept asking me why I hadn't told anyone about his yelling and anger problems.

The truth was, of course, that I had related his emotional abuse, mistreatment of me and my kids, and even his mental health history to my attorney and the court, but it was all chalked up to differences in our perspectives. It was only when they saw him in action that they began to understand who he really was. I realized that even though my attorney tried to understand my case, she simply never grasped the reality of what we were dealing with, and we were always one step behind. An attorney who recognizes a narcissist's patterns and can head them off is invaluable.

8. Don't expect a narcissist to co-parent

Although the legal system may glorify co-parenting, it is important to recognize that any attempts you make to co-parent with a narcissist will be demonized or used as a weapon. Rather than giving the narcissist power over you, keep your life completely separate and communicate only where required.

You do not need to throw joint birthday parties, celebrate holidays together, or even participate in activities jointly. Keep your boundaries clear and firm, and recognize that your children are best served by maintaining them.

Through time, I have learned that I can best parent my children by accepting our reality and making sure that my daughters feel supported, heard, loved, and validated when they are with me. Their experience is far from ideal, but living the life we have is far healthier for all of us than spending it fighting in a court room.

Source: https://ravishly.com/2015/07/20/8-mistakes-i-made-divorcing-narcissist-—-and-how-avoid-them