How To Start Dating After Divorce

Going through a divorce is one of the most painful, stressful experiences that you will ever have. Much like grieving the loss of a loved one, getting a divorce can often feel like a death, as it severs not on a relationship, but family connections and the love that you once thought would last forever. And while the process is stressful (and expensive), once the paperwork is officially signed, you're challenged with the task of building your life again. From figuring out how you'll spend your solo time to making new life goals for yourself, who you become post-divorce is often a better version of who you were in an unhappy marriage.

After some time has passed, you might even start to consider dating again, only to quickly realize that it's not quite how it used to be. "For many, the hardest part of dating post-divorce is understanding the current way of dating. For someone who hasn't dated in over 20 years, the times have changed and so has societal norms. This can be very stressful for someone back on the dating scene. However, it's a good opportunity to have conversations with friends who are also dating and learn new ideas or approaches to dating," sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST says.

If you find yourself interested in getting back into the game and putting yourself out there, let these relationship experts share their helpful insights to give you a fighting chance of moving on and truly finding love again. Perhaps even a love that will really last a lifetime:

How Long Should You Wait?

You probably won't be scheduling a Tinder date for the evening your divorce papers were finalized. And depending on how intense or exhausting, emotionally and physically, your divorce was, it may be several months until you're in the mood to meet a new person. It's OK to give yourself as much time as you need because you not only want to be ready to welcome a new person into your life, but you want to also heal from those deep wounds caused by your divorce.

"There is no specific rule with dating and divorcing. Dating is not only a way to find a partner or future spouse but is also a way for men to connect with women or create a social group. In my practice, I do encourage all clients to take time off from serious dating or jumping into a new relationship immediately after ending a marriage and allow time for them to focus on self-growth including how they want their next relationship to be different than the last or any former relationships," Geter says. "On the other hand, I also encourage men to be social with others, which may include casual dating. I do encourage men to be upfront with dating partners about their relationship status and their intentions for the present moment."

Signs You're Ready

As much as you might be craving affection in the immediate aftermath of the divorce, now's not a great time to start dating. No one wants to go on a date with a guy who spontaneously cries on a first date, one who drinks too much or one that talks endlessly about his ex-wife. When you're finally inching toward being ready to date, you'll start to shift both your mentality and your expectations, paving the way for you to be a good date to a prospective partner. Here, relationship experts share the subtle signs that you're ready to mingle:

You're Actually Interested In Dating

If your relationship ended because she cheated or you slowly started falling out of love with one another, the period after a divorce is often one that's marked with extreme sadness. And when you're feeling down? You probably aren't even thinking about dating and you likely don't notice other attractive women who express an interest in you. But when you've moved on? The world will light up in color again, and it could feel a lot like spring.

"One sign a man is ready for serious dating post divorce is showing interest in women and dating. For some, a divorce can be a loss and trigger grief or short term depression. Part of depression is the loss of interest in pleasurable activities including dating or socializing. Therefore, when the depression or grief subsides, interest in activities or socializing will return. This may be a great opportunity to move from casual dating into more serious dating if that is the man's prerogative," Geter shares.

You Have A Good Attitude

Way back before you were married, can you think of any of the bad dates that you went on? While some were lackluster because you weren't attracted to your date, others were negative experiences because the girl was just no-fun to be around. When you're trying to determine if you're prepared to get back out there, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., relationship expert and author says to take a look in the mirror and consider what type of date you'd be for a new woman. If you're going to be cranky and upset the whole time, that's no way to begin a new relationship. But if you're curious and light hearted? That's recipe for a great first date. "A man is ready to date again when he has a good attitude about dating. When he's ready to have some fun and get out there and meet new people and be open. Dating with a bad attitude will only result in bad dates," she shares.

You've Processed Your Relationship

There's never just one person to blame for the end of a marriage, and for some, that can be a tough pill to swallow. Since relationship are push-and-pull, ebb-and-flow, yes-and-no, it's important to digest what happened in your previous marriage and truly process every feeling you have. A healthy place to do this is in therapy, where an expert can help you navigate your emotions, overcome anger and let go of resentment and pain.

"A man may be ready for dating when he has gained insight into patterns in previous relationships, and he can talk about these patterns including how they contributed to the dissolution of the relationship. Blaming someone else for negative situations is much easier than taking responsibility for how our actions impacted the situation," Geter explains. "When a male client can discuss how his behaviors impacted the marriage and show empathy toward the ex-spouse and relationship, this is a good sign he can approach new relationships in a different manner and understand reasons the prior relationships ended."

How To Get Started

So now that you've done the tough work to prepare yourself to meet someone new... where do you meet her? Looking out into the vastness of the dating pool, carrying your baggage in tow can be super-daunting. And while it might be difficult at first, remember that you've got this."Getting back in the dating scene can be difficult if the man was in a long-term marriage, because dating has probably changed quite a bit since he was single. It can be intimidating all of the new technology, dating sites and how to ask someone out again," Michael says. "But with time, it'll get easier — and even fun!"

Here's where to begin your search for a new love:

Give Online Dating A Shot

Though you probably don't want to download every online dating appimaginable, signing up for an online dating membership is a low-key way to dip your toe into dating. "Online dating can be tricky but it certainly is an avenue where you can meet people as well as make new friends. Find a dating site that is right for you and try it out one at a time and see how it goes," Michael says. With this type of dating, you don't want to set your expectations too high because you'll likely have to weed out several duds before finding someone who could be your match. You also want to be mindful of not chatting endlessly, but actually going out on dates, too.

AskMen Recommends: If you're not sure where to get started when it comes to online dating (depending on how long your marriage lasted, it might not even have existed last time you were on the market), AskMen's Online Dating Hub is a great place to figure out which sites or apps are most likely to help you find what you're looking for.

If you're just looking for the most popular sites to get the most bang for your buck, consider options like Match.com and Zoosk — or XMatch and FriendFinder-X if you're looking for a sexy fling more than a relationship.

Join An Activity Group

If your ex-wife was never into running and wouldn't go out on a Saturday morning with you to exercise, consider this: now you can meet someone who will. Or, if it bothered you that your ex-wife wasn't interested in traveling, you can be rest assured that you can find another woman who will collect passport stamps with you. The only hurdle in your way is getting out there and finding people who share your same interests. "A great way is to join a meetup group and go hiking or an activity he enjoys doing. This will get him out of the house and he can meet new people and that can lead to dating slowly. Join a club or group meeting and get involved in something that moves you inspires you and you have fun doing and meet people that way," Michael says.

Get Help From Friends

Now that you're available, tell people! One of the best ways to meet a partner is through a recommendation. "A way to ease into dating, is to let your friends know you're back on the dating scene and interested in meeting single women. Ask them to introduce you at parties or social gatherings where it may be more comfortable than a blind date. If you and the woman don't hit it off, then there are other people to hang out with instead of having to sit through the rest of an uncomfortable date," Geter says.

Source: https://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/46_dating_tips.html

How To Be In A Relationship After Divorce Broke Your Heart

You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.

Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.

One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.

So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again.

This pause to question whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.

Your struggle with how to be in a relationship again could quite simply be a fear of the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:

1. You’re exactly the same person you were.
2. Your new love interest is just like your ex.

Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.

And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.

Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)

So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.

Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!

Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.

Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.

So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.

Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/417-how-to-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart

Life 2.0: Coping with Divorce

If there was one thing in my life I knew for certain, it was that my wife and I were going to be together forever. That was until Christmas Eve 2014 when suddenly my life was turned upside down and the previously inconceivable idea that we wouldn’t be together, became a reality. This solid structure we spent years building together suddenly came crashing down.

At the time of events, we’d been married for 8 years and together for a total of 15 years — 40% of my entire life — and it was near impossible to imagine life without her. During the first twelve months of our separation, I had two recurring visuals. The first was of myself running shirtless, feverishly as fast as I could, down the sidewalk of a crowded Los Feliz Blvd, through concerned and confused onlookers walking three abreast, to where I don’t know. The other visual was of myself trying to keep afloat deep in a wild river, desperately trying to pull myself upstream over jagged rocks, until I realized that my attempts were useless and that it was time to let go. Surrendering, the raging waters led me down to a calmer, winding river taking me where I’m meant to be. 

In addition to attending therapy on Friday afternoons, I read articles about separation, divorce, change, how to cope with loss, and how to move on. I read how many divorced men isolate themselves and become more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes than married men. More troubling, I read how divorced men are also more likely to commit suicide than married men. 

I discovered articles from others who’d been through a divorce who shared how no matter what, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will survive this. There was a period where I honestly wasn’t sure that I was going to be one of those who’d get through this. I knew I had a choice either to sink or swim. I thought about those who get stuck, those unable to turn their life around, and the very fear of drowning from this provided me with enough motivation to swim to the top.

I was determined to not just survive but harness the energy to inspire change and experience the wisdom that grief offers, and hopefully to later help others.

What I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that grief takes time and it goes through various stages and in various phases. There is no fast-forward button. You need to be present, you need to be kind to yourself and you need be patient. You will slip up every now and then, be it through ruminating over events or perhaps escaping through bad habits like drinking too much, but you need to stay determined that you will get through this.

Initially, all you’ll want is either for your life to miraculously go back to how it was — whether those times were actually good or bad — or you’ll want to magically come through the other side, land on your feet, and move effortlessly into your new life.

The fact is you can’t speed through the stages. In an attempt to understand and reconcile why and how you’ve been forced to go through this grief, there will be times where you will “make sense” of your grief because it has now perhaps led you down this new path that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. It’s only natural that we try to make sense of events. 

There’s nothing wrong with this; in our grief we need something to hold onto — we need to know that this hurt is not in vain. The truth is, even if our separation or divorce awoke something in us and led us down a new path, it’s important to be know that our new path we’re on won’t always be an easy, straight line. There will be uneven surfaces, you will walk two steps forward and one back, and the path will get obscured or lead you to what appears to be one dead end after another. But you have to trust and believe you are on the right path and you just need to keep walking.

Life after separation or divorce is a journey. It is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. Healing from your loss doesn’t mean you no longer feel sadness when thinking about your ex, the memories and the life you shared together, but learning and growing from the experience to bring you closer to yourself.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/life-2-0-coping-with-divorce/

How Long Will it Take to Get Over Your Divorce?

Knowing these 3 phases of divorce recovery will help you understand exactly how long it will take.

The pain and confusion of divorce is so intense that at times you wonder if you’ve lost your mind. At other times, you worry that this agony is just how life will be from now on.

In less tortured moments, you know you’re still sane and that life will get better. But then you wonder when because you aren’t sure how much more of the misery you can take.

A quick Google will show you there are plenty of people who will willingly tell you exactly how long it will take you to get over your divorce. What you need to know is that they’re ALL WRONG.

These authorities are all wrong because they base their guidance on averages, observation, personal experience and personal bias. There’s no way any of that will be able to predict exactly how long it will take YOU to get over your divorce.

Divorce recovery is a process. You’ll get through it on a timeline that’s unique to you – not according to someone else’s.

So instead of looking for an exact time when you’ll be over your divorce, it makes more sense to look at other indications that you’re over your divorce.

One of the best ways to gauge how far you’ve come and how much more you have to do is to look at your primary motivation for how you’re living your life.

There are three different phases of motivation that people go through as they heal from their divorce.

Make the pain stop.

This the is the most difficult part of divorce recovery. Living in pain and confusion is the only constant amidst the chaos of your divorce.

You struggle to figure out a way to stop hurting so much as you go through all the phases of grief. You are greatly tempted to medicate the pain away in this phase. You might ask your doctor for a prescription or you might self-medicate with food, alcohol, other mood-altering substances, and/or sex.

The biggest challenge here is to not over medicate yourself so you avoid feeling what you need to experience to actually heal so you can move on to the next phase as you fight to move on with your life after divorce.

You’ll also look for guidance form just about anyone for ideas to make the pain stop. The challenge is that not everyone you’ll be tempted to ask for help will be able to really help you. They’ll each have their own reasons for offering help which may or may not have your best interests as reason #1.

Focus on others.

As the pain starts to subside, you’ll feel numb compared to the tumultuous emotions that were besieging you in the previous phase. You’ll look outside of yourself to keep moving on.
You might start to real focus on your kids or work or your pets or even your friends. This external focus allows you to re-establish and redefine the relationships and your responsibilities that suffered the most as you were dealing with your pain.

Looking at life through this lens of connection and contribution can be extremely motivating. The challenge is that it can also lead to burnout because you’re not necessarily taking care of yourself.

Creating the life you want.

Eventually, you’ll get your relationships and responsibilities stabilized. You may not have everything exactly the way want it, but you’ll accept the way things are with the important people and activities in your life.


This is when you start becoming motivated by what you want in your life. You’ll find it easy to take the steps necessary to make your life great.

This shift in focus doesn’t mean that you start ignoring what you’ve built up in the last phase, but that now you are motivated on making your life really work for you. The goal now is to feel fulfilled and happy.

And when you reach this phase you’re over the bulk of your divorce recovery work. You may still have a few triggers that hurl you back to the first phase of pain and confusion (like when you find out your ex is in a serious relationship, or when your anniversary rolls around), but you won’t stay there for long.

You know that what lies ahead of you is so much more motivating and appealing than what happened in the past.

As much as knowing these phases will help you get a feel for how much longer you’ll be dealing with getting over your divorce, they can also make it more challenging if you’re one of those people who like to push to accomplish things.

Super-achievers will be tempted to start focusing on what they want to create in their life NOW instead of allowing themselves to thoroughly work through each of the phases.

If this is you, remember that completely recovering from divorce is a process. You can certainly accelerate the process by focusing on the best ways to get through each phase, but not by short-circuiting or skipping any portion of one.

So allow yourself to progress through each of them with intention. As you do, you’ll find that you’ll have dealt with the pain, confusion and outward focus to the point that you’re able to truly create an amazing life for yourself post-divorce.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-long-will-it-take-to-get-over-your-divorce-wcz/

Positive Outcomes of Divorce

When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is "out."

Imagine that you're preparing your husband's favorite meal. He walks through the door at dinnertime and you greet him. Suddenly, and without any provocation at all, his mood changes. It's as if a dark cloud has come over the room. Your mind starts racing back, you wonder what did you say, what did you do? This scenario plays out over and over again in some marriages and can diminish self-esteem, wear down emotional resource, and kill your soul.

Or maybe you've hit a wall in your marriage. You've been here several times before with your spouse, and you both feel at wits' end. When marriages are untenable and there is nowhere else to go, in order to save your emotional and sometimes physical life, as well as secure the mental health and wellbeing of your children, sometimes the only place to go is "out."

It is at this moment, when you decide to change your life, to advocate yourself and your children, that a visit to a counselor, psychiatrist or psychologist is warranted.

Positive Outcome of Divorce #1: Self-Reflection and Self-Healing

With professional guidance you can discover what affected your choice of a mate and assure yourself that you will never make that mistake again. This self-reflection and self-healing is one of the most positive outcomes of divorce. By doing inner work, you can recognize and acknowledge your own patterns that led you to a dysfunctional relationship in the first place. Then, if you can integrate back into your psyche those early patterns from your family of origin, you can redeem them and never have to repeat them again.

At this time of greatest trauma, your defenses are cracked open, and for the first time in a long time you are your natural self. This is the undefended healthy core of your existence, and it is from this place of your natural resource that you can heal, renew and experience rebirth. By experiencing your authentic self, you will automatically build your self-esteem, depression will lift, and you are able to move into a happier and healthier lifestyle.

When you first fall in love, you may project onto the beloved your ideal: the best of who you are, those rose-colored glasses of your imagination. This is what we call a projection. However, by suppressing who you really are -- by going along to get along -- you are using up vital energy just to hold down your feelings.

You will still be compelled to move towards those old patterns that worked for you within your original family. However, because you are now conscious and aware, you will see red flags everywhere, and you have the opportunity, therefore, to override those impulses that compel you to move towards the wrong relationship and as a result make room for the right one. In essence, you're changing a habit, and as you grow and break your old habits, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience a different relationship with a new spouse. It's important to remember that we are different with different people.

This is restoration, how you bring yourself back to your full potential -- the you that you were meant to be. A healthy partner is the one who carries the positive characteristics of our opposite sex parent, and that's when second marriages can become fulfilling and mutual. Even your physical health can be restored.

Positive Outcome #2: Better Health

Now we know that telomeres, the little rings around your chromosomes that fall off as you age, also fall off when you are stressed. Miraculously, they can be restored through healthy lifestyle changes. Therefore, by releasing yourself from an unhealthy partnership, you not only can become healthier mentally and physically, but also add years to your life through happiness.

Positive Outcome #3: Self-Confidence and Empowerment

The first feeling you experience at the onset of divorce can be fear of the unknown. However, by moving into your fullest capacity, the real you, as I describe above, this will automatically rebuild your self-esteem, your sense of self, your capacity for intimacy, your creative energy and allow you to take back the power you surrendered in a poor relationship. In my work as a researcher, educator and human behavior expert, I've witnessed that poor marriages are often based on possessiveness, lack of intimacy, need for space and distance and need for control.

Positive Outcome #4: Giving Your Children the Gift of Modeling Healthy Relationships

Finally, as difficult as the process of divorce can be on your children, it also allows them to watch you make human mistakes -- and then grow from them. As you do your inner work and regain your true self, your children are watching, and they can learn the importance of valuing yourself. They also have the opportunity to learn how to properly behave and react should they find themselves in a similar situation down the road. And finally in the future, you can model, for your children, a true and healthy marriage.

The best relationships come out of strength, not weakness. When you are whole and know yourself, you will meet someone with whom you can be mutual. This is a marriage born of strength, not of lack. Once the negative and critical patterns of poor partnerships are released, you can expand into the undefended you. By rediscovering yourself, that inner you that you were before marriage, following your own rhythm of sleeping, being, staying home and going out, you act on your own behalf and by so doing find your own authority is empowered. This returns a sense of control, allowing you to grieve the past and embrace the future.

Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/positive-outcomes-of-divo_n_4768426

Two Years Post-Divorce and Still Grieving: How to Help Your Friends Understand

My husband was my family for many years, and now that is gone too. So, my friends are my family.

I am one of the first of my friends to get a divorce.

At only thirty-one-years-old, I told my husband I needed to leave our marriage in order to be happy again. I fell in love with him when I was nineteen, and when we said our vows four years later, I believed with all my heart that we would be married forever. As I've learned, signing a marriage certificate doesn't guarantee marital bliss or personal happiness, or anything really except that if you ever do want to leave this marriage, you will have to go through a painful legal process to do so.

I've learned that there is a guarantee in divorce, however, and that guarantee is that it will hurt.

It will be harder than you ever could have imagined, and just when you think you're rounding a corner, a Divorce Landmine will go off--seeing your ex's new wedding photo, for example--and you are right back where you were when the whole thing began: crying in bed with the covers over your head and feeling like you need someone--anyone--to hold you while you cry.

It's been over two years since the initial split from my marriage, and while I am truly happy most days now and have learned to allow grief to pass through me when it needs to, those landmines still go off. And because I loved my former spouse so deeply, the pain is still unbearable when it strikes. This morning, after seeing the aforementioned photograph on social media, I almost stopped a stranger on the street who was washing his truck to ask him to hug me.

I'm serious.

I just needed a hug. I had cried alone in bed all morning, and I needed someone to physically put their arms around me and let me cry.

I am the only child of two parents who love me, but who are not emotionally or physically present for me. This has been the case for some time now, so I've developed a tough skin in order to survive on my own.

My husband was my family for many years, and now that is gone too.

So, my friends are my family, and while they are true, loyal, and loving, they are not a husband. They are not a mother or a father. They have their own families to attend to, their own problems to handle. And since many of them have not experienced the trauma of divorce or the devastating effects of a deep depression (I hope they never do), they may not fully comprehend the depths to which I plummet after a Divorce Landmine goes off.

Quite honestly, I do not want to take them with me to the dark side--I sure as hell don't want to be there, so why would I drag these dear friends down with me?

In my memoir, Meet Me in Paris, I have written openly and honestly about this dark side...and about the light that can break through beyond the grief. Because there is light. The storm will pass. I am living proof of this.

Healing can be a beautiful process, which, if you allow it to, will transform you in amazing ways.

In the meantime, when a Divorce Landmine goes off, we need help from our friends and loved ones.

For those dear friends and loved ones who aren't sure what to do for your depressed, divorced friend, I've written you a poem. I hope my words will help you to understand us divorced messes a little better, and to know what you can do to help.

The Next Time
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

Act as if she has just told you that the person she has loved for sunrises and sunsets, for starry nights and stormy skies and every moment in between...Act as if she has just told you that this person has died...

Because that is what has happened.

The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

Act as if she has just told you that the person who has loved her at her best and at her worst, who has been her everything for too many days to count...Act as if she has just told you that this person has died...

Because that is what has happened.

The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

Act as if she has just told you that she is about to enter the most intense grieving period of her life, and that a part of her has died too...

Because that is what has happened.

The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help...

Because she is grieving a death
A death she may have chosen
A death he may have chosen
But it is a death, nonetheless.

The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

Know that depression may strike, and depression is a beast, it's a killer. And when she reaches out to you, you must go to her. Drop your plans, get in the car...

And go.

Go again, and again, and again, because she needs you, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

Because there are days when she doesn't want to live, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

And because one day, you will lose someone you loved, whether through a divorce, a death, or both...

And you will need her too.

The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce

The best thing you can do is hold a space for her to grieve, without telling her why her life is so fabulous and why she should feel good.

The best thing you can do is hold her and let her cry until the storm passes.

Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/two-years-postdivorce-and_b_8441374

This Is What It’s Really Like To Date After Divorce

When all is said and done, everyone’s favorite question is “When should you start dating again?” As with anything divorce related, there’s no real perfect time frame or solution that works for every individual across the board. Every aspect that goes into dating will look different depending on the marriage you are coming out of and the factors that contributed to your divorce. I will share some insight of what helped in my dating decision making.

1. Make Sure Your Marriage is 100% Over

• Discern if there is ANY chance at all for reconciliation. If you are still working on your marriage, perhaps in a counseling program, or have a lingering desire (on either end) to stay married, stick to Plan A. Dating or letting your heart wander while there is still hope for your marriage will do nothing but add more layers to recover from. Chances are, you’ll have enough craziness to deal with, why add yet another party to the mix. Remember, it’s not over until it’s over.

2. Take Some Time

• DivorceCare says, a simple equation for when you’re ready to date is take the time you were married and divide it by two. This number is the amount of time it supposedly takes for you to emotionally heal before entering a new relationship. My ex-husband and I were legally married for 5 years, but he was 100% out by year 4. Meaning, 2 years is my magic dating number. It was closer to a year and a half from the time my ex really left that I started dating my now boyfriend. However, it was two and a half years total from the day he left the first time (so much leaving, who can keep track?).
• I spent this time seeking council, reading, crying, mourning, praying, and authentically healing. How you spend this time will determine how you operate in your future relationships. I am currently in a healthy relationship (with an amazing man) because I spent this time single and grieving.

3. Resist the Rebound

• Set the bar as high as they come. Not in an unrealistic, shallow sense, but in a cautious one. Your heart has been through enough, don’t inflict any more unnecessary pain. From the start of my separation to the very day my divorce was final, all sorts of random friends were coming at me saying they had someone for me to meet. Any time I would make mention that I was going through a divorce or freshly single, their light bulb would go off and all of a sudden everyone was convinced they knew my next soul mate. All of these suitors were slightly off in one way or another. Perhaps there was no attraction or we didn’t share a similar faith or they weren’t all that thrilled that I had a child or (you fill in the blank).
• With the online dating world booming, it is so easy to get your profile up, sit back, and wait to see who wants to date you! However, online dating as a divorced person feels less appealing. You can’t explain in the 160 characters About Me section why exactly you’re divorced. I didn’t really dabble in this enough to give an accurate review, but those are my thoughts nonetheless. It seems that it would be discouraging because you have to check the divorce box, and you can’t always explain the whys initially.
• After you’ve experienced the rejection of infidelity and divorce, of course, the attention is nice. However, don’t use attention from Joe Schmo to help boost your ego and jolt you into a new relationship. It’s always, ALWAYS better to be alone than settling for someone who you’re not all that thrilled about.

4. It Will Feel Different (and that’s okay)

• Oh, the feelings! All the feelings! Falling in love after you’ve gone through a divorce feels different. Your heart will experience emotions more cautiously, which is natural. It took me awhile to really believe that history wouldn’t repeat itself. I didn’t come from a marriage where we fought or had marital “issues”, so my ex’s affair and all that transpired because of it was shocking. If this could happen to our marriage, it could happen to anyone’s or my next one! It’s a process that requires a lot of time and prayer. I will say, the love and reassurance that comes from a quality man helps combat the lie that your second marriage is doomed because of your first.
• Ask yourself if you’re feeling different simply because of the life stage you are in. Take into account the age you were when your former marriage started versus now. Not only will you feel more guarded because of what you’ve been through, but by nature falling in love at 22 feels different than falling in love at 30. That’s 8 years of growth and evolving to take into account. This is far from a bad thing.
• Lastly on this one, don’t believe the lie that you won’t find love again. I do remember feeling like I would NEVER find anyone I would ever love as much, find as funny, or enjoy life with as much. All of which are FALSE. Other lies my mind would tell were that I would NEVER find someone who would want to date a divorced 30 year old with possible trust issues, a spunky little 3 year old, and a baby daddy still in the picture. Talk about a handful o baggage (and lies). Life is unpredictable and you are who you are because of those unpredictable turn of events. Don’t deem that stronger version of yourself who overcame a shit ton of obstacles a bad thing. Most men find that strength in a woman to be an attractive quality. You will find love again and it will be refreshing.

5. Careful with the Kiddos

• Before I started dating, I was convinced that I was not going to introduce my daughter to my boyfriend until we were close to getting engaged. I did not want her to witness another man leaving her mommy. Honestly, she’s so young, it’s doubtful she’d arrive at that conclusion anyhow, but I definitely wanted to be OVERLY cautious.
• At the start of my current relationship, I obviously told my boyfriend I had a daughter, but I did my best to never put any pressure on the dynamic between the two of them. I wanted to give my relationship enough time to develop on its own before even thinking about adding in the element of my child. And my boyfriend definitely appreciated that I wasn’t trying to force him into fatherhood on the second date.
• We dated for three months before the two of them met. When they did meet, it was very casual. We treated it like any time my daughter meets a friend of mine. My boyfriend and I didn’t show much affection in front of her and in her mind, he was just another friend. As time went on, we spent more time together and their relationship developed naturally. Naturally, is the key word here. We would go out to lunch, do puzzles, play with Legos, watch movies, go to the park … pretty much activities that take place in my daughter’s normal toddler life.
• Don’t bring a “disneyland dad” into your child’s life. When the three of us spend time together it is never extravagant or extreme. He doesn’t bring her new toys every time he sees her. He doesn’t let her get away with murder and do whatever she wants. He supports and reinforces the way I parent. Their natural bond developed nicely because it was not based on presents or theme parks, but genuine care and quality time.
• Finally, NEVER allude that this person is taking the place of your baby daddy (unless your ex is completely out of the picture for legal reasons). Your new love interest is not meant to replace a parent but join the team. My boyfriend’s stepmom uses the term “bonus mom”, which I love. Step has such a negative connotation, where bonus just sounds like an added blessing. I definitely plan on using that term with my daughter in the future.
• A lot of insight, I know! My plea for all the single ladies out there is that you would be cautious and patient. The right man who helps undo all of the madness you’ve experienced is absolutely worth the wait.

Source: https://www.thesplendidpath.com/articles/2018/5/14/5-steps-for-dating-after-divorce

How to Move Forward if You’re Getting Divorced But Are Still in Love

Your husband has asked for a divorce and you are blindsided. There have been moments of unhappiness in your marriage, sure, but nothing that you thought would ever make him leave you. You married for life, and never imagined that you would be signing paperwork to put an end to your time as a married couple.

And…you still love him.

He may have betrayed you with another. He may have fallen out of love with you and feels that there is no possibility of rekindling those loving feelings. He may be having a midlife crisis. In any case, his decision is final and there is no going back. You are left to heal your heart, a heart that still is connected to this man, despite him no longer loving you.
What are some ways that you can heal?

Acknowledge that this is happening

It would be a mistake to pretend that “everything is fine” or try to put on a happy face so that those around you think that you are handling this life change like the competent, strong woman you have always been. There is no need to be a hero during this tumultuous time. If you don’t show your friends and family that you are suffering, they can’t offer to help you shoulder the pain. Let it out. Be honest. Tell them you are shattered, you love your partner, and you need them to be there for you as you navigate this significant life event.
Find a support group

There are plenty of community groups where people going through a divorce can connect, talk, cry, and share their stories. It is helpful to hear that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Make sure the support group is guided by an experienced counselor so that the meetings do not devolve into a series of complaints without any sort of solution-oriented advice provided.

Banish negative self-talk

Telling yourself “I’m an idiot for still loving him after what he did to me!” is not helpful, nor true. You are not an idiot. You are a loving, generous woman whose core is made up of love and understanding. There is nothing shameful about feeling love for someone who has been your life partner for many years, even if that person made the decision to end the relationship.

Give yourself time to heal

It is important to recognize that healing from a divorce, especially a divorce that you did not initiate, will take the time it takes. Keep in mind that you will, eventually, bounce back. Your grief will have its own calendar, with good days, bad days, and days where you feel you aren’t making any progress at all. But trust in the process: those little cracks you see on the horizon? There is light coming in through them. And one day you will wake up and realize that you will have gone hours, days, weeks without dwelling on your ex-husband and what he did.

When you are ready, rid your home of reminders of him

This will help in “casting off” your feelings of love. Remake your home to your own tastes. Have you always wanted a living room done in pastels and wicker furnishings? Do it! Make your home over to reflect you, and sell or give away anything that triggers those wistful thoughts of “how it was when the husband was here.”

Involve yourself in a new and challenging hobby

This is a proven way to feel better about yourself, and help you build new friendships with people who did not know you as part of a couple. Check local resources to see what is on offer. Have you always wanted to learn French? There are sure to be adult education classes at your local community college. What about a sculpture or painting workshop? You will not only keep busy but come home with something lovely that you have created! Joining a gym or a running club is a good way to work off any negative thoughts occupying your head; exercise provides the same mood-lifting benefits as taking anti-depressants.

Online dating can be a positive experience

Just flirting online with a wide range of potential dates can make you feel desired and wanted again, which, if you’ve been indulging in negative self-talk (“Of course he left me. I’m unattractive and boring”) can be a great lift to your self-confidence. If, after communicating online, you feel like meeting up with one or more of these men, make sure you do so in a public place (such as a busy coffee shop) and that you’ve left the details of the meeting with a friend.

The pain you are feeling can be used to create a better version of yourself

Take the sadness and use it to motivate you to get in shape, swap out some wardrobe items that should have been thrown away years ago, review and update your professional resume, change jobs…put this energy into living your best life.

Find the perfect balance of alone-time and friend-time

You don’t want to self-isolate too much, but you do want to carve out some time to be alone. If you were married for a long time, you may have forgotten what it was like to be on your own. You may find it uncomfortable at first. But reframe these moments: you are not lonely, you are practicing self-care. In order to love again, it is essential for you to learn to be fine with being alone. This will allow you to open up to another man (and it will happen!) from a place of stability, and not desperation.

It is normal to feel a sense of loss and sadness when the man you were in love with decides that he is no longer in love with you. But remember that you have now joined a large community of fellow-travelers who have survived, and ultimately thrived, in their post-divorce lives. Give it time, be gentle with yourself, and hold tight to the knowledge that you will fall in love again.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-move-forward-if-youre-getting-divorced-but-are-still-in-love/

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is a gift I want to offer you.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
(Deuteronomy 30:19)

We are born into a world that is not of our making. We are given a place to grow up, parents, a family, a home, neighbors, teachers, friends—and an era in which we evolve. We don't get a choice in so much that really counts. Are you good looking, ugly or in the middle? Are you smart, challenged or just different? Are you tall, short—skinny, heavy—charismatic, marginalized—befriended or alone? Are your parents happy or even together? Do you have a brother or sister that you are close to - or are you bullied relentlessly? Are you born into a time of peace or a time of war, a time of impoverishment or a time of plenty, a time of faith or a time of cynicism? If you take a deep breath and look at the circumstances of your early life, you will have to see that the whole project is essentially unfair. Some people are born into riches of all kinds, while others are burdened from the very beginning.

Then you live your life. You make decisions, meet people, and navigate through school and more. We all try. It is absurd to call people lazy. But some certainly have a harder time than others. With luck, someone loved you. Someone believed in you and in turn, you began to believe in yourself. If you were a more sensitive soul, you may have been injured by the numerous selfish people that you met along the way; and they are everywhere (welcome to the human condition). Some of these wounds can last a lifetime, leaving you feeling stupid, unwanted, second best and so on. If you were what E. James Anthony called The Invulnerable Child, you were able to pull yourself up from nothing and make something of yourself: look at Presidents Clinton and Obama, two men who had weak paternal support and nonetheless, perservered. There are so many stories and your unique life is one of them.

Radical Acceptance is a gift—and I want to offer it to you. We must accept what happens to us. That doesn't mean that we like it or that it is fair. Life is not fair. If you are in the midst of a divorce, you gave up so much to make your marriage work. It didn't. If he left you, then you are probably holding a bag of resentment and hurt. If you left him, you've been grieving the loss of your marriage for some time. It is a big loss. We all want to rage at the world, or crawl into a depressed spot when we feel the injustice and randomness of our pain.
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Or perhaps you were traumatized by an accident, an illness, a corrupt business deal, a rapist, the death of a child, Mother Nature. All this happens in this world and it may happen to any of us. As we age we grow wiser as the invincibility of youth is supplanted by the vulnerability of maturity. Kids simply don't know how precious happiness really is. It is a golden moment to be celebrated and cherished. And when you have love, grab it. I often say to my patients, "Grab the good, because the bad will surely find you."

When injured by others or by circumstance, I encourage you to feel it all; the outrage, the hurt, the questioning of your Maker, the fear of what will be coming next—if anything. This is grief work and it is a necessary part of healing. It is the spiritual equivalent to the body slowly healing a bad wound. It starts off in pain, and then remains tender, and when protected and soothed, a wound eventually heals. And scars are a sign that the body did its job. Grief brings you through pain to disbelief, to anger, to "only ifs" to profound sadness, to loss - and then to acceptance. It gets triggered again and again, like tsunamis of anguish that take you over when you least expect it. But, over time grief does get worked through. The wound heals, even if imperfectly. We are left with acceptance - and I would like to argue - Radical Acceptance. It's a good thing.

There is something about the human condition in that we tend to hold onto bad memories more than good ones. We have sayings like, bad news travels ten time farther or faster than good news. It is probably evolutionary, because when survival was at stake, ancient homo sapiens had to remember where danger lurked. Their very survival depended on it. So, remembering the bad had value - but in the twenty first century, this quality provides us with too much pain and it is not worth it anymore. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a dramatic example of this biological safety mechanism gone terribly wrong.)

Radical Acceptance means that you understand that bad things do indeed happen to good people - and all the time. You can stay mired in your sense of injustice and self righteousness. You can develop an entire personality around your victimhood. But what purpose does it provide? An identity fueled by hurt and rage is a soul that is preoccupied by control and not love. You lose a second time because you become a victim of your own victimhood. And, in the worst case, you can become part of the problem. Very often, it was an injured soul or group that hurt you in the first place. A cycle of victims and oppressors does our species little good.

We must accept. Not in the classic Buddhist sense of non attachment. We should be attached. A wrong is a wrong; and it needs to be righted if possible. But we must start with the understanding that what happened to us is part of the quixotic human condition. From acceptance comes clarity - and from this place, you will be more able to make a difference. If you were married to a narcissistic man, for instance, mourn the loss that you may never have really been loved. Get over it, because you will have to coldly deal with his manipulations—and your outrage will only play into his charismatic hands. If your older sister was preferred by your father because she was beautiful and you were just smart, get over it. Let go. Radically accept your father's stupid (but human) mistake. It cost you. No question. You are angry and perhaps have a chip on your shoulder. Forgive and grieve the father that you wish you had. He was just coarsely human - like most of us. This kind of acceptance is the end stage of healthy grief - it will probably make you easier to live with - and give you much needed peace.

Radical Acceptance is an evolutionary good - if not a spiritual good as well. Most of us don't have to worry about wild beasts attacking us. We can learn from our misfortunes. We just don't want to be irreparately damaged by them. To accept means to see things clearly. It reinforces the notion not to give a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it. You don't have to walk around feeling like a victim in order to protect yourself.

You see, acceptance doesn't mean passivity. It means freedom.

Let there be a blessing for us all to be free to see the world as it is, with its dangers—and its gifts. Grieving our losses is only a first step towards the wisdom of enjoying what is to be enjoyed. Most of us have blessings if only we permit ourselves to see them. Ironically, as we shed our expectations we become lighter and more open to every moment that we live.

Grab the good when it comes by. The bad will find you where you are.
It is the way of things.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201201/radical-acceptance

4 Expert Tips on Emotionally Preparing for Divorce

Stay focused on these key areas and you will healthfully heal.

Many people I talk to want to know how to best manage the psychology of divorce. Perhaps they have known for sometime that their marriage is ending, or perhaps it has already come to an end. In either case, the tendency is to remain stuck and what keeps them stuck is fear. Fear of the unknown; fear they will make a mistake; fear they will not adequately cope; fear they will screw up their children; fear there is no future to feel good about.

The hardest part about coming to terms with divorce is managing the painful rollercoaster of emotions that typically ensue. It can be so overwhelming, even when it is not a surprise, that a person may lose track of what’s important. Like a lighthouse in the dark of night, when you are overcome with paralyzing despair, shine your light on these four key areas. The point is not to be perfect, but push yourself to direct your attention each day to what’s ultimately going to liberate.

1. Financially: Strategize—Most people see their financial situation change when they divorce. The quicker you look into the facts of your situation, then the sooner you can begin acclimating to a new reality. And, whatever your situation is, once you look at it head on you can start maneuvering and strategizing to make it work for you. Changes will have to be made. Accepting this fact means you are not continually living in an angry and hurt state of mind. No sense in crying over spilled milk. Accept it. I have seen in my work that those who more quickly accept the new reality recover faster. Remind yourself that you have the power to make new opportunities to grow your financial resources all on your own. But for now, get organized, know the facts, and start making necessary changes so that you begin living and stop hurting.

2. Parentally: Tune In (Not Out)—Perhaps the most agonizing aspect of divorce for parents is the gut wrenching fear of emotionally scaring the children. This particular fear, more than any other, keeps many stuck in unhappy marriages. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If a relationship is consistently unhappy, filled with chronic anger and/or anxiety, kids are often better off when divorce provides greater stability. As parents emotionally adjust to their divorce, they typically beat themselves up for not being more perfect for their kids. As you come to terms with all that is changing in your life, it’s impossible to be a perfect parent. The single best thing you can do is to emotionally tune in and be empathic. If your children express upset over something unrelated to your divorce, be extra kind and validate—“I understand, I can see why that makes you angry.” Make room for their feelings about the divorce, directly ask and offer empathy for their concerns. Acknowledge that you understand what they are experiencing and that they are not alone. Try hard to avoid talking critically about your ex.

3. Emotionally: Grieve—You hear it so often but what does it mean… “You have to grieve…” After hearing this or reading this phrase a number of times, it starts to sound like a surgery or treatment that you can no longer avoid. Healthy grieving doesn’t mean you have to sit around and cry all of the time, alone, in a dark room. But it does mean you accept that with divorce comes a healing process. Recognize where you are in this process from time to time. The stages include: Denial—“This can’t be happening.” Anger—“I don’t deserve this!” Bargaining—“Maybe if I change something about myself I can get my ex back.” Depression—“What’s the point of life anymore.” And eventually Acceptance—“I can still be happy despite this loss.” People go in and out of these stages. There is no set order. Develop awareness for where you are at any given moment. Accept that it does take time but, eventually, if you allow it to, peace will come.

4. Socially: Seek Support—It can be tempting, particularly at the beginning stages of a divorce, to want to hide. At the end of the day you are likely drained by attending to your children’s emotional health, you own emotional health and your legal situation. After all of this, you may have few resources left and be tempted to isolate and hold up for hours or days at a time. A little of this from time to time is appropriate and healthy. But do force yourself to regularly socialize with others. Tell them what you are going through. Ask for help. Talking with trusted others will help you to feel less alone and open up your perspective—reminding you that there is a better future out there and you are getting closer and closer to it each day.

If there was one lesson that I came away with as I developed a workbook, Breaking Up and Divorce, for people confronting a painful split, it is that no two people are exactly the same, but some basic approaches can help anyone.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201608/4-expert-tips-emotionally-preparing-divorce

10 Reasons Marriage Is Better The Second Time Around

Divorce can be so emotionally taxing, it's enough to make you want to swear off marriage for the rest of your life.

But don't go pledging yourself to a life of eternal singlehood just yet. We asked 10 remarried folks for their best pitch for remarriage. The points they brought up will give even the most marriage-averse divorcés second thoughts.


1. You're not looking for someone to complete you.

"Gosh, what isn't better about marriage the second time?! I'm older, wiser, more confident and no longer need someone to 'complete me.' The first time I thought, 'If we were meant to be together, it wouldn't be so hard.' Now I know that it takes work, sacrifice, perseverance and a major sense of humor. My husband is my friend, a great dad and stepdad and 'the the best husband I ever had' as I jokingly like to remind him.

Be yourself while looking for love again. So many women change themselves into the woman they think a guy wants them to be. Be you and you'll find the right person." -Lisa Miller, divorced after five years, remarried for 15 years.

2. You know damn well that you can't change your spouse.

"My second marriage is infinitely better because I am not looking to change my spouse (and there are no illusions that he could change me). It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship where I know who I am, he knows who he is, we accept and love each other for who we are –- faults and all.

My advice is simply to be open. Opening yourself up to dating, relationships, love and marriage again can be scary, but don’t let someone amazing pass you by out of fear." -Kim Graham-Pfeffer, divorced after six years, remarried for two years.

3. Authenticity and honesty come a little more naturally.

"When my first marriage became irreversibly damaged, it broke something inside of each of us. It inspired months, (years, really) of self-reflection and soul searching. It made me hold up a mirror to my actions and the way I process and react to situations. It made me better. If I hadn't had the disastrous first marriage, there's no way I'd be as patient, sympathetic, motivated or as level-headed as I am now in my second marriage. It's my most deep and honest relationship. That transparency has encouraged my current husband be honest about his needs as well.

If you're hesitant to remarry, I get it. You feel foolish and embarrassed because you already took a huge leap of faith and it fell through. But take a lot of time to recuperate. Heal. Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration." -Amanda Sweeting,divorced after two years, remarried for less than a year.

4. Marriage #1 has changed you for the better.


"My wife and I are both the people we want to be this time around. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside.

If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's. Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance." -Rob Walker, divorced after 14 years, remarried for five years.

5. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all.

"My husband and I have both been married before. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things. But we also know what works and what makes it better. We have grown. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be.

Don’t lace your new promises with old regrets. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. But there’s so much to gain, too." -Nicole Jankowski, divorced after 12 years, remarried for two years.

6. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom.

"In the aftermath of my divorce, I had the opportunity to look very carefully at the man I chose the first time and how I had changed since I had met him ten years prior. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again. I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson.

Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: 'I am beautiful. I am smart. I am successful. I will not be bitter. And I will love again.' I wrote a careful description of the man I wanted in my life and a few months later, I met Will. He's everything I wanted and once I figured out what it was, exactly, that I wanted, he came along." -Kristin Shaw, divorced after four years, remarried for 8 years.

7. You realize that marriage is a choice you have to make every single day.

"A second marriage is an eyes-wide-open experience; you know what kinds of work are involved and say 'yes' anyway. Plus, you endured a worst-case scenario and not just survived, but thrived! A second marriage means you’ve let go of the ’perfect spouse’ ideal, embraced your imperfections and found the unique ‘must haves’ you need in a life partner.

Remember that marriage is a choice, and if you decide to give it another go, be all in. When I put my wedding rings on each morning I consciously choose my spouse. I commit to our relationship. I acknowledge that being married means I forgive past and future transgressions, and I opt to trust. My thrice-divorced mother offers this sage advice too: 'You don’t have to marry everyone you love.'" -Penney Berryman, divorced after six years, remarried for five months after a five-year courtship.

8. You know what you want.

"You know what you're looking for and what you can live without because of your first marriage. When I I met my second wife I was so much more confident about myself and my needs.

Divorce teaches you that you can be content by yourself and that it's not worth going forward with something if you're hesitant. I never thought I would marry again or have any more kids, but I met my current wife and fell madly in love with her. There is nothing I am hesitant about anymore, except being away from her for too long!"-Matt Robertson, divorced after 10 years, remarried for just over a year.

9. You've taken ownership of what you did wrong the first time around.

"Nobody goes into their first marriages thinking they’re going to get divorced. But it happens. So if you are brave enough to try again, marriage is only better the second time around if you learn from your earlier mistakes. Both partners are older and, hopefully, wiser. And both know what they need from each other and what to do to make the relationship work.

After I got divorced, I still believed in love and in the institution of marriage. I just wasn’t in any hurry to experience it again. I dated a bit before I started dating my husband. We were together for three years before we got married. And even with taking that time, it was a little bumpy for the first couple of years. Not between us but with the process of blending our families. But really, it’s a goodthing to be a little hesitant and to not rush in to getting remarried, especially if there are kids involved." -Jennifer Cullen, divorced after seven years, remarried for eight years.

10. You're incredibly picky -- and that's a good thing.

"I entered into my 30s divorced, with a young son and determined to do better. I dated some men but no one felt right and I wouldn't just let anyone into my son's life. Eventually, two years after my divorce, I met the man I would marry. I often say that had he not come along, I'd still be single today. I look at the men I know, married and unmarried, and not one appeals to me as a spouse. I was lucky to find my very best match. My biggest complaints is that he doesn't wipe counters, he's a packrat and he's often late. But guess what? He's also wonderful father to my son and our child together. He's considerate, kind and puts my happiness above his own.

Learn how to be live without a partner and figure what you need from your next-time partner in that time. Marriage is better the second time around. I'd like to take credit for having impeccable standards and being picky, but I was lucky my current husband walked into my life. I've been happy most of the days since he showed up." -Chris Doell, divorced after nine years, remarried for 10 years.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/second-marriages-are-better-_n_6865506

How to Heal From Feeling Rejected After Divorce

When a marriage ends because our partner leaves or betrays us, it’s natural to experience feelings of rejection. When we are left, it can be a devastating experience and it can leave us feeling angry, sad, and self-critical — at times, ruminating about what went wrong. We may be in shock and feel shaken to the core of our being. Self-defeating thoughts can grab hold because we are vulnerable and trying to make sense of things. However, it’s important to realize that this is a normal part of grieving and letting go after a marriage dissolves.

While it’s natural to go through a period of self-reflection when you are rejected by your partner, it’s important to keep things in perspective. Ask yourself if your fears of being alone are preventing you from looking at the breakup honestly. For instance, it’s likely that there have been problems in the relationship for some time and that one or both of you have been unhappy.

Part of the grieving process at the end of a relationship is accepting that what you wanted to happen no longer will happen. Thoughts might range from: We will never have children together, to the mundane: We won’t ever eat another meal together. For example, Kerry told me during a counseling session that the hardest part of being left by her husband Jake was watching TV alone after he moved out.

However, when we feel rejected, we might be listening to destructive “inner voices” which are rarely based in reality, according to author Dr. Lisa Firestone. She writes, “When we are listening to these destructive thoughts, we’re more likely to feel humiliation than real sadness over our loss. Our inner critic fuels feelings of not being able to survive on our own, often saying that no one will ever love us. When these voices aren’t viciously attacking us, they are often raging at our partner, which only supports a victimized orientation to a situation.”

Feelings of rejection are closely tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Part of the healing process after divorce is recognizing and accepting that the way you feel about yourself affects the way you relate to people in the world. As you learn to accept what happens and begin to love yourself again, your feelings of rejection will diminish. When you’re connected to feelings of self-worth, you’ll have more energy to relate to others in meaningful ways.

Let’s take a closer look at rejection and examine whether someone is a dumper or a dumpee in the divorce process. These two terms were coined by divorce expert Dr. Bruce Fisher in his groundbreaking book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Fisher writes, “Dumpers are the partners who leave the relationship, and they often feel considerable guilt; dumpees are the partners who want to hang on to the relationship, and they often experience strong feelings of rejection.”

It’s important to remember that the roles of dumper and dumpee aren’t always clearly defined and that sometimes they can be reversed. For instance, a partner might be told by their spouse that their marriage is over, and then they decide to file for divorce. Surprisingly, it’s not always the dumper who files for divorce. Sometimes the dumpee simply gets tired of waiting and takes this bold step as a way to take charge of their life.

When you think about it, aren’t guilt and rejection two sides of the same coin when it comes to emotions after divorce? It makes sense that a partner who decides to terminate the marriage would experience more guilt, while the person who is left would suffer from feelings of rejection. Notice the difference in their priorities. The dumper typically focuses on personal growth and will say things like ,”I have to find myself.” On the other hand, dumpees usually express a desire to work on the relationship and will say things like, “Just tell me what you want me to change and I’ll work on it.”

Although it’s not an exact science, we might expect that roughly the same amount of people would identify themselves as the person who was left (dumpee) as the one who decided to leave (dumper). However, in a small percentage of divorces, people say their divorce was mutual. In these cases, it’s normal to feel both guilty and rejected at times.

Here are six ways to heal from feelings of rejection:

Accept the fact that it’s normal or typical to have emotional reactions to the ending of a relationship. They’ve probably been there all along (in your marriage) and are simply intensified during and after the divorce process.

Acknowledge that all relationships end due to breakup or death. Just because your marriage is over, it doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or inferior — or there’s something wrong with you. Give yourself a break.

Work on self-love. You are a worthwhile person who doesn’t have to let the end of your love relationship define your self-worth. No person can complete you.

Accept that feeling rejected is an expected part of the ending of a marriage and it takes time to heal. Discover that relationships are our teachers.

Adopt a mindset of getting to know yourself better. Stay open to new experiences, hobbies, or interests that you couldn’t pursue with your partner.

Cultivate supportive relationships. Being with people who accept and support you can help ease feeling of rejection. Get energized by the possibilities ahead for you.

In closing, looking at how feelings of rejection that may be impacting your behavior can help you gain a healthier viewpoint. Are you neglecting your health, interests, family, or friends due to grieving the loss of your marriage? Consulting a counselor, support group, or divorce coach may help to facilitate healing. A person whose marriage ended due to their spouse making a decision to end the relationship must fight against falling prey to a victim mentality and take care of themselves. Lastly, developing a mindset that you don’t have to be defined by your divorce experience can help you to heal and move forward with your life.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-to-heal-from-feeling-_b_4387963.html