Get past the fear and take action

Some thoughts on how our fears whether founded or unfounded can hold us back from achieving our goals or taking actions to achieve our goals.


What fears are holding you back from your intention to thrive?

Confronting one of my fears and moving forward with action!

Taking some of my own advice from my last video message, I thought I'd better confront one of my own minor fears and get back on the bike after a winter off; fear of failure (thanks to the lost fitness) and fear of success (if it went well I'd have to do it more regularly!) were both at play! Fortunately all was well in the end!


Hope you're having a great weekend!

Why Friendships Take A Dive After Divorce

As a young girl, I instinctively appreciated the importance of friendship. I gravitated to older girls who I could admire and look up to. Reflecting on my adult friendships, I’ve come to realize that true friends stick by you no matter what. They’re there for you when the chips are down, your boyfriend cheats on you, or you lose your job. Since I grew up with three sisters and have been lucky to have many wonderful friends, I was surprised by how my friendships changed after my divorce.

After my divorce, which was over a decade ago, several friends seemed to vanish into thin air or became distant. To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me so many friends. I’ve spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I’m not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to research the topic.

What I found out may surprise you. While there isn’t much research on the topic of friendship after divorce, most studies report that after a breakup, friends often fall by the wayside. Fortunately, I found a highly informative chapter on post-divorce friendship in Dr. Bruce Fisher’s book, Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends. I was also inspired by a blog written by Aunt Becky for Cafe Mom’s blog “The Stir” entitled, An Open Letter to My Happily Married Friends. In this insightful post, Aunt Becky admonishes her friends to be more tolerant and empathetic about her recent divorce. She writes, “things don’t always work out as planned, my dear friend.”

Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they’re in the process of divorcing. Sadly, this was my experience and I’m still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The first Christmas after my marriage collapsed, I was struck by how few invitations arrived via email or my mailbox. I quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or become remote.

Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends — like some family members — aren’t comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or cool. They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you. Friends and family often take sides after divorce. Let’s face it — most people don’t have a clue about how to support a friend who is suddenly single.

Dr. Fisher, a renowned divorce expert, cites four main reasons why friendships change after divorce. I hope this list helps you gain insight and feel less isolated.

1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends — so invitations die off or disappear.

2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner — either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.

3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. Several women I interviewed for my book Love We Can Be Sure Of told me that the shakier their friend’s marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.

4. Social Stigma. Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-orientated culture. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we’ve witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it’s still alive in many social circles. Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable.

Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it’s important to set boundaries. For instance, you might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation. Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful. Be sure to tell them the truth but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics. It’s normal to feel emotionally needy as you’re navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.

If you’re reading this and wonder how to support a friend post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you have to offer them is acceptance and a listening ear. Try to avoid appearing judgmental since they may be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful. Think about it — when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage, they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things. Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst. Some are definitely keepers.

In my case, I’ve been lucky to make new friends who have enriched my life since my divorce. Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status. I’ve been blessed with the good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do for them.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/why-friendships-take-a-di_b_2546249.html

5 Tips For Dealing With Anger During Divorce

After a divorce, most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.

Anger is a fact of life, especially for most experiencing a divorce. Since anger is a human reality, what can you do to deal with and use proactively the anger you feel during divorce?

Below are 5 strategies that will help you understand and deal with anger in a positive manner.

1. Don’t give into your anger.

Anger is a legitimate emotion, it is your heart trying to tell you something hurts emotionally. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression which, in some cases is your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express the anger in a proactive manner.

Learning to respond in a healthy manner to emotional pain isn't easy. It's the first step you have to take if you are going to keep the anger you feel from becoming destructive. Our first response to being hurt or feeling powerless is to lash out. To attempt to get revenge and regain a sense of control. When that is your response, you're feeding your anger instead of exploring and attempting to understand it.

To lessen anger and fully understand what you are feeling, you need to allow yourself to feel vulnerable and hurt. Anger gives a false sense of empowerment, vulnerability causes feelings of helplessness.

So, I get it, the first response, the one that helps us feel like we are back in control is the one most of us give into.

Anger is an emotional fraud. It's there to trick you into not fully understanding what lies beneath the anger, a lot of hurt and vulnerability. Anger hardens your heart and, if fed, keeps you from ever getting in touch with what you are truly feeling.

There is no shame in admitting you are hurt and feeling out of control. And, doing so softens your heart, leads to being in touch with your feelings and staying open to new relationships and a healthier life after divorce. Choosing pain over anger is hell in the short-term but, healthy in the long-term.

2. Don’t fear your anger.

Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be “nice and agreeable” and not get angry. Everyone gets angry, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Journal or talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.

Feared anger leads to stuffed anger which leads to you one day blowing like Mount Vesuvius and leaving a path of destruction in your wake. As I discussed before, get in touch with the feelings causing the anger and, explore appropriate ways to express the anger you feel.

3. Don’t worry about losing control of your anger.

One fear many people have is, if they let their anger out they won’t be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger.

Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need without harming anyone.

And, that is the key, stop fearing your anger, express it but, in a way that leads you to a reduction in the anger you feel without it causing or exacerbating conflict and harm.

4. Don’t worry about what other people will think.

If you feel anger, you have a right to your feelings. Individuals may think that it’s acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame because it is generally frowned upon.

Anger can be an early warning system that something is wrong. Someone is mistreating you? Someone is trying to take advantage of you? Use your anger to build healthy boundaries and distance yourself from those attempting to do you harm.

5. Get regular exercise.

If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress.

Taking a walk, doing aerobics or finding stress relieving yoga poses, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief.

According to WebMD.com, "exercise acts like a drug, protecting against angry mood induction, almost like taking aspirin to prevent a heart attack." So, instead of working out to burn calories, work out to burn off those feelings of anger.

Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.

Nothing contributes more to divorce turning into all out war than anger. Get it under check, explore what it is trying to tell you, and when needed us your anger appropriately to protect yourself during the divorce process.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-for-dealing-with-anger-during-divorce-1102468

When a major change or decision seems too scary.

I was just listening to a podcast and heard something really significant, momentous even, and I wanted to share it with you as I think it summarises the challenge we all face in many aspects of life from time to time, whether:

• Tackling a project at work;
• Taking control of our diet or exercise;
• Wanting to contribute and make a difference to larger scale problems in the world;
• Setting out to thrive and build a new life after divorce.

The challenge? It is all far too big and scary when viewed as a whole.

The tip, whilst simple, easy to understand and probably something that we have all heard many times in many different forms, really made sense to me today…

“When you find something too big and scary and the very thought of it is paralysing you into inaction, or fear, ratchet the challenge back until you reach a level you’re comfortable with and act on that.”

Simple, right?

In the context of the examples above, our challenge may then be ‘ratcheted back’ to:

Focussing upon what progress we can make against our project today (or this morning, or this hour) rather than wondering how we’ll ever finish the whole thing.

Focussing on eating a healthy breakfast, or building a half hour walk into our day, rather than worrying about each and every meal being healthy or beating ourselves up for not being at the gym each and every evening.

Donating just £1 or $1 to a cause that resonates with us rather than getting demoralised about the plight of those far less fortunate than us.

In the context of setting out to thrive after divorce or separation, this could be as simple as making a choice today to:

• Create an online dating profile and get back into the world of dating
• Setting up a new bank account to start saving for a vacation or to invest in some education for yourself
• Starting to read a book you’d bought but have been delaying reading
• Focussing some time and attention on yourself by taking yourself out for a coffee or catching up with a friend
• Opening a debate with your ex that is proactively focussed on the future (such as to float some ideas for how you wish to raise your kids after divorce) rather than rehashing events of the past.

It really depends on where you find yourself on the journey but whichever you choose, each of these steps may help to break down the size and scale of the challenge you face, and by reducing the fear you will increase the action and magnify the results which can only be a good thing.

I hope this is of interest and use to you. It struck me as pertinent, relevant and interesting, hence my desire to share!

Should you wish to check out the podcast in question, it was the Tim Ferriss Show featuring an interview with US Senator Cory Booker; very interesting and enlightening.

If you’re interested in a recommendation for a good read too (see above!) then I can highly recommend the excellent “Tools of Titans” by Tim Ferriss; I’m a big fan of his (can you tell?!). The book is a collection of interviews with loads of really interesting and inspiring people and I’d highly recommend checking it out.

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.com

Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss - Amazon.co.uk

Thanks and have a great day!

Toby

The 7 Lessons Life Will Teach You

An education is an esteemed commodity in our society. Rightfully so, school will teach you the history of humankind, make you a master of your field, and qualify you for work in the real world. Without a proper education, one often finds their success impeded and opportunities lacking.

But the education that school can offer fails in comparison with the knowledge that lifeforces upon us. Purposefully, life ushers us into battles that nearly destroy us... merely to fortify our strength. It knocks us down more times than we can count, if only to demonstrate our resilience to stand back up. It bends us to our breaking point to foster inner endurance and flexibility. My father used to say, “The star that fights the most shines the most.” Reminiscent of his words is the ageless truth that we must face our challenges to shine with the bold light of our authentic being. We will struggle, yes, but it is through our struggles that we will radiate ever more brilliantly.

Indeed, we will meet inevitable roadblocks as we stride along our journey. Like the multiple subjects taught in a classroom, life will instill in us seven central keys of knowledge. To pass these seven tests is to evolve from one phase of being to the next, to be promoted to a higher proverbial grade. Reflect on my seven lessons and understand how they uniquely apply to your life to conquer your challenges:

1. The lesson of give and take.

Nothing is taken from you without compensation. This means that your losses will always be atoned in one form or another. Appreciation follows loss. After all, we don’t know what we have until it’s gone, right? But also subsequent to loss is gain through different means. All you have to do is search for the window that is open once a door has closed.

2. The lesson of time and patience.

Time can be our best friend or our biggest enemy. In periods of pain, time seems to trickle by. But when we are content, hours fly by like seconds. Timing is everything, and everything in time. The interconnectedness of time and patience becomes evident when we are suffering: we want something to happen right now. Yet time drives us to develop patience, a virtue that can shift our mindset and truly bring time on our side.

3. The lesson of pain and fear.

These two emotions do not exempt anyone from their harsh lesson. They also don’t play favorites. It may be under different guises and at different intervals, but we all experience fear and pain. Pain is not to be avoided. We must work with our pain — study it, comprehend it and embrace it. Yet fear is to be avoided by all means. What we fear we draw to life, and in this way we unknowingly choose to manifest our fears instead of our possibilities. Do not be afraid to experience pain. Embrace its purpose and meaning as necessary to cultivating self-awareness. But do abandon the accompanying fear with no remorse.

4. The lesson of life purpose.

We all have a life purpose but many of us either haven’t discovered it or haven’t enacted our true calling. When we act on our talents, inherent abilities and natural likings, we notice that success comes more easily. In this way we also attach love to what we do. Then, we no longer regard work as a job but as a calling. This lesson reminds us that we have a real reason to be here that must satisfy both our life purpose and provide financial security. Integrate your vocation into what you do, whether it’s as a full-time or part-time job, volunteer work or even as a hobby you practice each day.

5. The lesson of relationships.

Relationships are our link to the outside world. More complexly, they are a reflection of our innermost issues, desires and shortcomings. In a most ironic way, relationships both play on and supplement what we lack. Your partner is meant to be the missing piece to you, but he or she will also force you to work on the pieces missing inside. By meeting the challenge of relationships, we can enjoy healthy, loving connections with those around us and, most importantly, with ourselves. We can transform ourselves by resolving the personal problems we see playing out in our relationships. Begin by acknowledging the recurring issues you experience with others, then work within.

6. The lesson of stability and change.

Stability and change must fluctuate in a fair balance. We cannot constantly endure periods of change yet stability emerges from these unpleasant shifts. Never an easy task, we are nudged out of our comfort zone by unexpected change. The key to coping with change is understanding that your comfort zone is not a set of outside circumstances but a golden place within you. Know also that change in itself is transitory, temporary, and only leads to new solid ground.

7. The lesson of progress.

The sum of all lessons, the lesson of progress teaches us that — simply put — life goes on. We may emerge hurt from our trials, but our scars act as tough, resistant guards against future damage. Progress is made when we learn from prior mistakes and exercise new actions that yield different results. If we act differently than we have in the past, genuine progress can be made. And the direction in which we progress is based solely on our decisions.

Far superior to a formal education, life is our greatest teacher, sending us down winding paths to help us gain a profound awareness of our potential. We may be tested, but by recognizing the truth of our tests and applying necessary wisdom, we can triumph over every one of life’s challenges.

To overcoming your challenges,
Dr. Carmen Harra

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/life-lessons_b_4565405.html

Parenting after divorce: the art of not being ugly

Having separate homes may not qualify as ‘bird’s nest custody’. But by building a whole new relationship with your ex, the spirit of nesting can help maintain a healthy environment for your children

Ten years ago, roughly nine months into our divorce, my ex and I started to build a relationship. The immediate aftermath of our split had been a sour blend of quiet and hurt. We tried to make politeness our default position, and it occasionally held. What kept us connected was our boys, then six and nine. They cut through whatever anger sat between us. We held to that one point of agreement: change the boys’ lives as little as possible. After children have seen their lives inverted, that all sounds a bit feeble, but it was a seed.

Their mother retained primary custody. The boys lived with her in the only house in New York they had known, a loft in lower Manhattan. Before moving back to my childhood neighborhood in Brooklyn, I spent two years in an apartment close to Ground Zero, then a generally inactive construction site. In 2006, it was just a way to live near the boys’ home and school. The ghosts were quiet and my kids liked the hotel restaurant next to my building.

When a central home is maintained, and parents cycle through it while the kids stay put, it’s called “bird’s nest custody” or “nesting”. We were improvising, with the help of therapists, and didn’t know what nesting was, even if we mimicked it. We maintained two separate homes, so our arrangement didn’t qualify, though we kept the boys’ concerns central. Our interactions with each other in the first year were the least generous. But a second rule went into effect early: no badmouthing the other parent, whatever the topic. And we were lucky – we liked and respected each other, beneath the turbulence. That’s where we had started. So the irregular interactions led to a committed decision to not be ugly, even when that seemed impossible. There was enough doubt and hurt for all four of us – anything to clean the air helped. It was a way of being both selfish and considerate.

Even when there wasn’t much of it, talking was a boon. When living together, decisions can be made by default, without negotiation. Sightlines become assumed statements: “There she goes with the morning drop-off. I guess she’s OK with it.” But when you live in two places, and children aren’t old enough to travel alone, every movement has to be discussed. Who will take whom where and when? Can you take Friday night, because Thursday I need to do something for work? Generosity encouraged reciprocity. The marriage cynic would say: “Well, sure. You had to get along because you can’t engage in the silent warfare of marriages.” But of course you can fight, if one parent doesn’t care about seeing the kids. That wasn’t the case, and a cold war never came. We had no choice but to talk.

Whatever else may vex me about cellphones, beginning with my own dependence on them, they allowed a reliable line to my kids. In the past 10 years, we’ve rarely gone a day without talking or texting, even when one of them had a Soviet-style flip phone that could only burp four words a minute.

Not everything clicked smoothly into place. Talking involved just as many unpleasant standoffs as reasonable compromises. “You’re letting them see what? And do what? And miss what school event?” But the distance between households in two different boroughs meant disagreements needed to end quickly. We couldn’t pretend the proximity of a shared house was some simulacrum of “dealing with it”. If we didn’t table a problem, we wouldn’t know how the other parent felt, or what we were supposed to be doing, empirically, minute by minute.

Parents make decisions that are as constant as the subjects are varied. They can involve, but are not limited to, middle schools; high schools; unexpected silences from a normally chatty boy; punishments for ambitious, unauthorized parties; whether or not 48 Hours is a comedy; the choice of a party restaurant really far uptown, way the hell away from Brooklyn; and other traditional life events.

I had no control over the most useful development. Two years into our divorce, my ex reunited with her college boyfriend. (Facebook is not entirely evil.) They became permanent partners, both wearing engagement rings to this day. “Marriage ruins everything,” they said, so suspended in love they remain, without any help from the state. Her partner became a third parent to my boys. It is hard to accept that he’s seen them more than I have in the past eight years. It would be harder to accept someone into our family who wasn’t willing to talk through whatever came up, and continues to come up.

Which is not to say the ache overwhelms the memories. For every breakfast I’ve been absent from, there is a trip to Junior’s Restaurant just for cornbread and coleslaw. For every Broadway play missed, there’s a duet of two fools twisting to the Fearless Four on dishtowels.

Right now, all three are driving back to New York with my youngest son, now 16, after visiting a few colleges in New England. Not being there does not get easier for me. 
Debriefing helps.

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/14/nesting-divorce-parents-children-custody

Shame On You for Getting a Divorce!

How to not buy into feeling like a failure when your marriage ends

Have you ever heard anyone utter these words regarding divorce?

“I have two failed marriages.”

“How can you be so selfish?”

“We’re staying together for the kids.”

“But, we love each other. Why can’t we make it work?”

“But, you’re the perfect couple. Why couldn’t you make it work?”

“People who get divorced are afraid of intimacy.”

“I would never get divorced.”

The list could go on.

In our culture, we have so many preconceived notions about marriage and divorce—many, if not most, are unconscious. These beliefs include a soul-mate mentality (having to marry “The One”), and the idea that there’s something wrong with someone who cannot find or keep “The One.”

That’s a lot of pressure! In a time when we have so much choice, are these beliefs still pertinent? Or has the time come to stop and take a good hard look at what we’re doing?

In 2014, my, The New I Do, co-author, Vicki Larson, and I started what we called, “The Occupy Marriage Movement.” This wasn’t a message about whether or not gays and lesbians should have the right to marry (of course they should!), rather it was a call to action to stop all the shaming and blaming we do to those who don’t fit into the “one-size-fits-all” mold we call matrimony.

Take my friend, Brett. He is well into his 60’s and he’s never been married. Onlookers are quite sure that there’s something terribly wrong with him because clearly, he can’t commit. But he not only can commit, he does every time he’s in relationship (a state he’s in often!). Brett told me quite matter-of-factly one day, “I just don’t see the point of marriage but when I’m in relationship, I’m monogamous and devoted to my partner.”

Why does society make him wrong? Why is there only one acceptable way to form partnerships?

In my work with divorcing people, I see the tremendous fallout from shame people are subjected to. One woman told me the reason she never dated after her divorce was that she felt like “damaged goods,” even though the divorce was not her fault (her ex was an alcoholic and a rage-aholic). In her case, it was a sign of good mental health and self-preservation that she got out of that relationship. Yet, she couldn’t view it in any way other than that she had “failed” to keep the marriage together.

Last year, I came across a book that spoke to me in a big way because it carried the same message I’d been trying to get out there about letting go of our righteous indignation when others don’t do what they’re “supposed to” in the mating arena.

It’s called, Sacred Cows: The Truth About Divorce and Marriage, by Danielle Teller, MD, and Astro Teller, PhD. Both authors had been married and divorced prior to meeting and marrying each other. They compared notes and found that they’d had similar shaming experiences following their dissolutions. They began to talk to others who’d also been given grief by well-meaning friends and relatives. As they say in the book, these [attitudes] of condemnation “add unnecessary pain to a situation that is already plenty painful.”
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Sacred Cows pushes back and mocks the mockers! Each chapter outlines the behavior of a different attitude that they call “cows.” There are seven:

The Holy Cow: This person is especially righteous and unforgivingly rigid stating simply, marriage is always good and divorce is always bad. (Must be a Holstein – only seeing in black or white!)

The Expert Cow: Every problem a couple has can be fixed and therefore, if the couple divorces, it is undoubtedly because they didn’t try hard enough.

The Selfish Cow: Those who divorce are immature and selfish. Period. They will tell you that you have to compromise and lose yourself in service of the couple-ship. They will also say that you didn’t try hard enough to be in relationship if your marriage ends in divorce.

The Defective Cow: There’s something wrong with you because you couldn’t keep your mate. If I make you doubt yourself enough, maybe you’ll conform and be “normal.” (I didn’t marry for the first time until I was 43 and I can attest to the pressure I felt when people would say to me, “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you married?”)

The Innocent Victim Cow: These folks will spout the endless studies that “prove” how divorce harms children. They will advocate for the poor kids who, they believe, should stay in the home where the parents tear each other down and continue to be subjected to unhealthy relationship patterns. One advantage of bringing up kids who see marriage as a battlefield is that they will develop a high tolerance for bad behavior from their mate and will stay and suffer just like their parents did. But at least they’ll be married!

The One True Cow: This is the most romantic of the models and it’s the attitude that has done the greatest disservice to young men and women everywhere (luckily, Millennials aren’t buying into this ideal so much these days). There’s such a tremendous buildup to finding this one true love that when the trivialities of life and the billions of dashed expectations emerge (as they invariably will), the self-doubt it propagates is astounding.
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And, finally, The Other Cow: which states that no one should ever leave a marriage for another person. If you do, you are evil, weak, commit-a-phobic and a player.

So, what’s wrong with all these attitudes? In a word, presumption. They do not account for the many variables people encounter in their own unique relationship. We can never know what goes on behind closed doors. Like the neighbors I had years ago that clearly loved each other and used to delight in telling us how they met. They dressed alike and went everywhere together. They even looked and talked alike.

One day, they knocked on our door unexpectedly and asked if they could talk to us. They came in, sat down, and announced that they were splitting up. I literally got teary eyed—not because I thought they “shouldn’t” get divorced, but because it really threw me for a loop (Me! A therapist who specializes in divorce!). I thought they were so happy together.

It turns out the woman had been having an illicit affair for years and when confronted by her husband, she refused to give her paramour up. They just couldn’t come to an agreement about this so they parted ways. It happens.

This “perfect couple” that I made assumptions about was not so perfect after all.

One reason we shame people is because we are sad and don't want nice people to split up.

Another reason is because we want couples to obey “the status quo” so we know what to expect. If marriage is between a man and a woman and it lasts (happily) for a lifetime, then we feel safer. If marriage is open to gays and lesbians, if it only lasts five years, if it’s for any reason other than love, we stop being predictable and, therefore, we stop feeling safe. But sticking to an old, outdated script, and being safe are not the same thing and, in fact, they are much more likely to be opposing forces.

There’s no question that divorce can be hard on many people (not the least of whom are the kids), but the time has come to stop adding layers of shame to the pain.

I’ll leave you with a quote from an article (link is external) the Sacred Cows authors wrote recently:

“When divorce represents a couple’s best chance at future love and happiness, let’s imagine a world where empathy and support trump our old-fashioned concepts.”

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201603/shame-you-getting-divorce

Life Is Tough: Overcoming Hardship and Failure

Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?

“When life gets tough, the tough get going.” This timeless proverb may be true for some but, for others, hardship can be too much to overcome. When the going gets tough, their life simply falls apart. What is it exactly that separates those who thrive regardless of adversity and those who don’t? Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?

Consider that Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison before he became the first democratically elected president in South Africa. Abraham Lincoln failed in business, had a nervous breakdown, and was defeated eight times in elections before becoming president. A boy born to a teenage alcoholic prostitute and an absentee father found himself in trouble throughout his childhood, eventually growing up to be Charles Manson.

These examples are extreme, but they demonstrate the different routes people may choose when facing major obstacles. Some people turn to alcohol and drugs, stealing, or physical violence. Nearly 16,000 people drank themselves to death in 2010. Every year, more than 3 million children will witness domestic violence in their home. Conversely, many people have gone through hell and back and are moral, happy, and successful. As a youth violence and family trauma psychologist, it’s my job to find the turning point between the right path and the wrong one.

In my own life I dealt with hardship and failure. My family was poor. I had to cope with suicides, mental illness, and domestic violence; two of my family members died of alcoholism. My grandmother was a teacher and I thought I would follow in her footsteps. After attempting to go to school for teaching, I realized that I was not cut out for it. I felt like I had failed. When I was young, I tried to be a writer and was not successful. My first marriage was a failure, as was my first business. I was challenged significantly when I enrolled in my Ph.D. program at the age of 42 and my classmates were all 20 years younger.

And the story would not be complete without telling you that someone attempted to rape me when I was a young woman. I only told a few people. I cried and cried. I wanted to scrub the skin right off my body. Yet today, I can face my fears and am a big fan of “Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit.”

Despite all these trials, life marched on and turned out positive. I earned my Ph.D. I am a successful non-fiction writer and the author of two books that have sold well. I own my own practice, Eastern Shore Psychological Services, which has grown considerably and won numerous awards. And I am happily remarried to a loving husband, although I once told myself that I’d never marry again.

Why was I able to overcome the negative parts of my life when others from similar backgrounds have ended up addicted to substances or in jail? The simple answer is that I had enough protective factors in my life to outweigh my risk factors. For instance:
The neighborhood I grew up in was safe.

• I was always supported by people who loved me.
• I did well in school and had opportunities to succeed.
• I had pro-social role models.
• I received treatment for depression and PTSD.
• There were many happy events in my life.
• I kept going, one foot after the other, no matter what.

The Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention found that children who have more than five risk factors (learning problems, maltreatment, chaotic neighborhoods, etc.) and less than six protective factors (adult support, life skills, clear standards set by care givers, etc.) have an 80% chance of committing future violent acts. This means that, while we all face varying levels of hardship, there must be a counterbalance of positives in our lives so that we may continue to grow and succeed.

Looking back at my family members who struggled, I realize that they did not have the level of support and education about depression and alcoholism that I was fortunate to have. At two points in my life, I had problems controlling my anger, just like my father. But I gained support through education and friends, and I learned to deal with it effectively. Without these support systems, statistical research says that I would most likely have failed.

It’s true that some of our ability to deal with hardships and failure has to do with biological traits and genetics. Some of it may have to do with luck. But mostly it has to do with the environment and people around us. Our parents, siblings, peers, educators, and community all play a vital role in shaping who we become. Life is tough and we all have our own challenges to face. But we don’t have to face them alone. With a caring heart and encouraging hand, we can all play a role in supporting others through their greatest hardships.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-the-cycle/201308/life-is-tough-overcoming-hardship-and-failure-0

How I Took Back Control of My Happiness and My Life

In the last two years, I have been through many up moments, down moments, and moments in between. And the only time I look back is to see how far I’ve come. Having more faith than fear, choosing to be grateful, and taking responsibility for my own happiness were key to giving me the strength to take back control of my happiness and my life — after years of grieving over the loss of my father, dissatisfaction in my career, relationship and overall life.

So I put together a few thoughts to share with you five things that I did to do just that.

1. I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I often struggled (and still do, sometimes) with feeling like a victim. One minute I am on top of the world, and the next minute I am completely alone feeling sorry for myself. And then I replay the hardships of my past over and over again until I get lost in my own head.
There comes a time when you have to make the decision to stop getting in your own way.Life is not ever going to be perfect. And I am not so sure that it gets “easier” — I think that you become stronger, and more resilient — more capable of handling stress in a healthier way.

There will be moments when all you will want to do is quit, and there will be people who do not choose to stay by you when you need them the most. But strength is developed through hardships and solidified with time. You have to save yourself, from yourself.
Make the decision to believe in you. Choose to stop listening to your doubts. Own your mistakes, then forget them. Love yourself first, and get on with your life.

2. I didn’t let failure convince me to quit.

There’s something about failure that sucks us in and spits us out — it takes away a little piece of our confidence, preventing us from wanting to try as hard. And this is the absolute worst thing that you can do — let the fear of failure prevent you from continuing on and pushing through. I have failed more times than I can count. I am not the best at everything — I don’t even know if I’m the best at ANYTHING. But I didn’t let that thought prevent me from trying over and over again.

There are so many examples of iconic, successful, famous, AND everyday people that have been known throughout history to have admit that they have failed, but more importantly — admit that their failures are what helped make them who they are today.

Because our perception of failure is what we need to overcome. Failure is NOT a bad thing. It’s actually a wonderfully productive blessing — that will guide us in the right direction. If you know that something doesn’t work, you’re going to get smarter, so that the next time you try — you know what NOT to do. Why do you think that failing is a bad thing? Maybe it’s a blow to your ego — but pride is for the birds. Failure is a gift, and without it — you won’t ever be successful.

3. I took a risk and did something that scared me.

This is something that people often struggle with in life — it goes hand in hand with the fear of failure. But I’ve realized that when something scares you — it’s usually a sign that you should be doing it.

I had dinner with a friend recently and she started telling me about how she felt unfulfilled at work — she had a new boss who didn’t get along with her, she felt like her responsibilities were decreasing, she didn’t feel as though she were learning anything new — all of this, and also told me that she had the opportunity to work on something completely new.

She went on to tell me that she was scared — she wasn’t sure if that were the smartest thing for her to do — leave her team (who she loved) and work that she was good at, to do something she had no idea about. And I couldn’t stop screaming, “YES! YES! YES!”

You have to do things that scare you. Comfort zones may be a wonderful place, but nothing ever grows there. Imagine being too scared to try something new, and choosing to be in your comfortable situation for months, or even years. Will anything change? Probably not.

Being content is fine if it makes you happy, but in my case — in my story — I had reached a point where I had no choice but to do something completely radical to change my life and take back control of it. If I had stayed with what made me feel comfortable, I never would’ve been happy. I would’ve been miserable, continually, until I felt like I had nothing else let to be live for.

There will be moments that you encounter throughout life when you become nervous, anxious, scared, fearful of what could happen — but it is absolutely possible for you to harness those feelings, and look at them as signs of what to do moving forward — instead of moving away from them.

So if the idea of doing something scares you, maybe you should actually do it.

4. I stopped putting my happiness in the hands of others.

Why doesn’t he do this for me? Why doesn’t she do this for me? How could she do this to me? How could he do this to me? Why don’t they care about me? What is with wrong with me? What did I do? He doesn’t make me happy.
F-ck them. F-ck all those people. (sorry for my language, but I get passionate about this sh-t.)

I used to find reasons for why I was sad or unhappy or unfulfilled or unsatisfied by placing my happiness in the hands of others, giving people a certain kind of responsibility to make me happy. And yes, it’s great to be in a committed relationship or expect certain things like that from your good friends, but at the end of the day — no one is responsible for your happiness but YOU. If you constantly depend on other people to make yourself happy, you are constantly going to be disappointed.

And it’s important to remember that you very well do possess the power to make yourself happy. You don’t have to depend on others for your own happiness. And when you start to do things for yourself — become independent in this pursuit of happiness — no one will be able to take that happiness from you.

5. I started doing things that made me happy.

Art? Music? Travel? Eating? Writing? Sketching? Walking? Running? Swimming? What is it that you like to do? What is it that if you woke up every single day, and could do without having to worry about money or your problems, what would it be?
I wanted to get away from my immediate environment — I wanted to get away from my everyday life — the everyday life that made me unhappy because I didn’t do anything to change it. But before I could get away and go on this epic trip, I had to make do with what I had.

I started going to new restaurants, exploring new roads or streets, taking wine + paint classes for no reason, googling DIY crafts just to pretend like I’d actually follow through with them, then actually follow through with them. I tried new things, ate new foods, met new people — even though I was in the same city.

Doing things that genuinely make you happy will actually make you happier. And when you are happier, more people will want to be around you, and make you happy. It’s a chain reaction that might sound cliche, but cliche things are just that for a reason.

Look within yourself to figure out what it is that makes you laugh, smile, jump with joy, dance for no reason, be silly — and if you aren’t sure about what it is that makes you happy, then TRY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. What have you got to lose, but your sad thoughts? What have you got to lose? Nothing.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jinna-yang/how-i-took-back-control-of-my-happiness-and-my-life_b_8759732.html

How To Show Up For A Friend Going Through A Divorce

I recently read an article about how important it is, in general, to “show up” for your friends. It got me thinking, specifically, about the toughest time I’ve gone through, my divorce. A few showed up, many didn’t and I understand why. Unless or until you’ve personally gone through it, you don’t know what to do. To those who would have shown up had they known what to do, to those who would like to show up in the future, here are the best ways to “show up” for a friend going through a divorce.

Say Something

Say something, anything. By the time someone goes through divorce publicly there have been months or years of fighting, turmoil, pain, anguish and often silence. Many feeling alone in marriage retreat to varying degrees. In my case I went radio silent. For several years I parsed my words carefully in my home. Free flowing with my kids, when my ex would enter our domain I’d tread delicately. If I could keep quiet for a few more days things might be OK, maybe a blow up could be averted, a holiday or weekend lived in peace. Eventually, exhausted by the horrendous ending to my 10-year marriage I couldn’t fake it anymore so quiet became my norm in and out of my house. I stopped speaking to most of my friends, no longer engaged in small talk around town and ceased making social plans.

When my divorce became public everyone around clammed up. The silence that surrounded me was deafening. I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. I know you’re scared divorce could spread into your home. But silence stings and it lingers. It’s so much better to say something, anything, the wrong thing rather than nothing. Call and stick your foot in your mouth, I appreciate the effort. Email and tell me that you don’t know what to say but are thinking of me, I feel supported. Text “I’m sorry to hear of your divorce” or send an old-fashioned note or card in the mail offering words of regret, I thank you.

Unless you will never see each other ever again, hiding and waiting it out won’t work. Six months, one year, two years later, I had many run-ins with those who hid. Each a cringe worthy reunion filled with extra apologies to make up for the one “sorry” that never came. If you’ve known someone for 5, 10 15 years, if you’ve been in their home or see them often at yoga class or at school drop off, reach out. If you celebrated the beginning of the union don’t disappear when it crumbles, reach out. If your kids are friends or were on the same baseball team, if you’ve got a bunch of mutual friends and heard the news, if you’ve stood as bridesmaid or groomsman at the wedding, reach out.

You won’t regret saying something and those on the receiving end will always appreciate it no matter how fumbled the delivery.

Don’t Gossip

We all gossip, it’s bad, but especially so when someone has spilled secrets they’d never normally share-were they in their right mind. Ever run into a recently divorced friend or acquaintance and they blurt out something that leaves you thinking, “I can’t believe she just told me that.” Well, she didn’t mean to and when it dawns on her an hour later she’ll hang her head in shame. I equate the fog I was in immediately following my divorce with pregnancy brain. I just wasn’t all there. Past and current trauma, worries for my kids, combined with an uncertain future and a newfound freedom to speak overwhelmed and short wired my brain. Typically discreet and private with the details of my marriage as the ship went down, post divorce I often found myself blathering on about a situation I’d never normally discuss. Many a brunch with my girls involved my relationship as the main dish and much regret hours later as I rehashed our conversations. I still share, but now when I do it’s of sound mind and body. We should all keep what we’re told to ourselves, it’s hard and no one is perfect. But if someone is going through it and spills it, stick the heavy in your vault. Leave the gossip to the truly light, shallow and meaningless.

Include, Don’t Exclude

When you get divorced you lose your family unit, you lose time with your kids and you lose some friends along the way. Human connection can help ease the pain of this very lonely time so it’s unfortunate that becoming a single is the single best way to halt invitations. I know all about Noah’s Ark, two by two they went. I get it; pairs and even numbers are how it’s done. Adding a seat for one screws up your table setting and sets everything off kilter. What was once a fun night out or vacation with two couples sounds dreadful to your man who will be outnumbered in the absence of my ex. Make adjustments if that suits you, invite other couples to what used to be a party of four but as you include more don’t exclude your newly single friend. Holidays, tense for all can prove especially fraught in the land of divorce and shared custody. The first few years after my divorce I preferred to stay home in bed on those special days when my kids were with my ex. Traveling to my family to sit among everyone in their normal setting, when nothing in my life was normal, was more than I could handle. Luckily I had a friend locally invite me to her table. I accepted and while I am mostly back to my family gatherings I appreciated her invitation, one that still comes every year. Make sure the divorced in your group have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving, Christmas, Passover and the Fourth of July. Don’t forget your Labor Day Barbeque, Superbowl party and any other gathering in which you find yourself inviting a dozen of your crew. Feeling left out sucks and more so when you’ve just lost out on everything you built and planned for. I know it’s a pain-we were in your coupled file, now you have to move us to your single file and I’m asking that you keep us in the invitation file for both. I apologize for the extra paperwork but assure you on behalf of the divorced crew we appreciate your efforts.

Check In

There was a period of time after my divorce that I would wonder, what if something happens to me on a day my kids are with my ex and no one notices until a few days later when they come back and find me rotting on the stairs? My family is local and I’ve got a good group of friends but we’re all busy and consumed with our own lives and responsibilities. My response time to emails, texts and calls varies so there’s no reason anyone would worry if they hadn’t heard from me for a few days. Thus my recurring fear of rotting alone somewhere I had fallen and couldn’t get up. It’s obvious on February 14th to check in on a newly single friend. When your calendar reminds you of a friends anniversary the first year they’re divorced, that’s a clear prompt to call, text or email. It’s fairly likely on Valentines Day, anniversaries and birthdays that someone will offer up some attention to your friend that needs it. It’s the other 362 days a year that attention is sparse. Do what you can to regularly check in on that friend. Once a week say “hey,” if it’s a very close friend how about once a day? Not forever, just the first few critical months. After daily check ins as I settled into a new home, soon enough my bestie and I were back to our usual pattern of me calling and texting and her, taking her sweet, far too long in my opinion, time getting back to me.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-show-up-for-a-friend-going-through-a-divorce_us_592e1631e4b047e77e4c3f7e

Time to Tell the Kids That You Are Getting Divorced

Telling the children is the part that many parents fear the most. The last thing that they want to do is hurt their children and it’s a really difficult conversation to have as the consequences are life changing for the whole family. However there are some guidelines that will make it a little easier if you follow them.

See the situation from your child’s point of view: Children often worry that they will be abandoned by one of their parents in a divorce and they will lose them from their lives. As a couple you need to reassure them that you will both always be there for them.
Choose your timing: Make sure you are 100% sure that you cannot save your relationship before you tell the kids. If you are just considering splitting up then keep it between you and your partner. There is no need to involve the children until you are sure there is no way back.

There is never a good time to tell your child but do make sure they do not have to rush off to school or an activity. They will need time with you to discuss their thoughts and feelings.

Agree on what you will say

Make sure you are both giving the same united message across: Do not contradict each other or argue whilst you are telling the children.

Tell them as a couple: Where possible tell them as a couple so that they can see that even though the marriage is ending that you will still both be there for them. Actions speak louder than words and this will support the fact that you are saying you will still both be there for them.

Don’t play the blame game: Be fair to each other and don’t allocate blame for your break-up or try to get the children to take sides. This puts unfair pressure on your children if they are asked to choose between parents. Often this will back fire anyway as the child will side with the parent who is being bad mouthed. Put the kid’s best interests first to protect them from any unnecessary emotional damage.

Reassure your children: Make it clear that it is not their fault and they are not to blame. Ensure they understand that your divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them or anything they have done. Often children think they could be responsible for the break-up and this can cause undue emotional stress for them. Reassurance and cuddles are important here.

Don’t go into details: Keep it simple and avoid unnecessary details. There will be a lot for your children to take in so don’t overwhelm them with too much information. Allow them time to absorb the break-up and overcome the initial shock. Let them know that you will both be happy to answer any questions they have.

Be honest and real: Don’t make promises you cannot keep just to lessen the impact. Stick to the facts and don’t try to gloss over the fact that there will be some changes coming. Prepare your children on how to cope with these changes and reassure them that the divorce will not change the love that you both have for them and that you will both be there for them.

Try not to get over emotional: The children will take their lead from you and if they can see you are handling it ok it will set a precedent for them to follow. Remember that you are the adult in this situation and you do not need your child to support or comfort you. Whilst they will see this has not been an easy decision for either of you to make they will see that you are sure that you have made the right one.

Do what you can to smooth the transition for your children:
- Don’t make any drastic changes to their usual daily routines.
- Do not use them as a “go-between” between the two of you
- Keep all discussions about the divorce and any upcoming lifestyle changes out of earshot
- Do not make them the “little man of the house” or the “little woman of the house” now that your ex has gone as this is way too much pressure for a child
- Remember that the kids should not be there to comfort you, this is your role as a parent
- Do not argue or fight with your ex in front of the kids
- Do not bad mouth the other parents in front of your kids or ask them to take sides
- Notify the school and other key people in their lives so that they have support elsewhere
- If they would like to speak to a professional about their feelings then arrange this for them
- Be on hand to answer any questions that they may have as openly and honestly as possible
- Keep reassuring them as they will need to hear this regularly. Also back it up with actions that support this.

Children are more resilient that we think and can often adjust better to changes than adults. Remember they will take their lead from you so be united as best you can and reassure them that you will both be there for them. You are their role models and your children can learn a positive lesson on how to handle tough situations if you handle this well.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/telling-kids-about-divorce_b_6601964.html

Helping Kids Cope with Your Amicable Divorce

When divorce is an obvious solution to a disastrous marriage, it’s easier for kids to understand. If either parent is abusive to partner and kids, an addict whose habit has thrown the family into poverty, or a criminal in the world and a tyrant at home, it makes sense to children that the more balanced parent would want to take them away from all that. When home is a place filled with tension, where everyone has to walk on eggshells to avoid a blowup, where the primary contact between the grownups is fighting and violence or seething hostility, kids often want out as much as one of their parents.

But what can the kids make of it when the reasons for the divorce aren’t so obvious? Adult reasons aren’t always appropriate to share with kids. The reasons you can share may seem lame to them. You’re not happy. You and your partner don’t share the same interests, activities, or goals. You or your partner is attracted to someone else. Sex isn’t what you think it should be. Daily life is boring at best; clouded by low-grade hostility at worst. Little decisions get left to one or the other. Big decisions seem impossible. Maybe there is a hidden addiction (gambling, shopping, Internet porn) that is eroding the marriage but isn’t visible to the children. You and your partner aren’t a team. You aren’t in love. You think life has to be better than this. But you’ve been wise enough to shield the children from your growing unhappiness.

Adding to the kids’ confusion is that you and the other parent have managed to work out a way to be responsible parents in spite of growing apart from each other. Maybe you’ve divided the turf, with each of you taking on different tasks — one becoming the caregiver; the other doing specific routines. Maybe you can’t talk to each other but you can both talk to the kids. Most important, the kids know you both love them. Kids, being kids, think the way you are together is the way all parents live. They think your family is no different from anyone else’s. They think everything is fine.

Although an amicable divorce is what most adults would want and what is ultimately better for the kids, it only adds to their bewilderment. If you guys can get along so well, they think, why couldn’t you just stay married and keep our family together?

Make no mistake. For the children in such a situation, your divorce is their catastrophe. They can’t believe it. From where they sit, you’ve got a good family. They love you both and don’t believe that you don’t love each other. Their usual reaction is panic and protest. They don’t want it to happen. They worry it’s their fault. They fantasize they can do something to stop it or fix it. They worry their parents will divorce them, just as they are divorcing each other. They hate it. They may even hate you for disrupting their life, for making the other parent leave, for changing things that seemed just fine to them.

Helping your kids through your amicable divorce is a long-term proposition. Since there was no obvious blowup and blowout, the kids will return to questioning the decision at each stage of their development. If you expect it, if you respond with age-appropriate answers, if you can avoid being defensive, the issue will quiet down again until the next developmental milestone. It often takes until they are adults and have had experience with adult relationships for them to really understand.

There are some common and predictable issues at every “why did you have to go and get a divorce?” conversation along the way:

• The kids will wonder if somehow the divorce is their fault. Since they don’t understand adult reasons for separating, since they are by definition narcissistic little beings, they will assume that it is something they did or didn’t do that drove one parent away or made the other one unwilling to stay a couple. Little kids will think it’s because they did something “bad.” Older kids will think they didn’t do well enough in school or didn’t obey enough of the rules or weren’t the right kind of kid. Teens are especially vulnerable to thinking it’s all their fault. You and their other parent will need to reassure them many, many times that the divorce is not about them.
• The flip side is that they will fantasize that they can get you two back together. They may even try to engineer it. They will try hard to be extra, extra “good” so that you will want to be a family again. They will try to manipulate situations so that you and the other parent have to get together and talk. They may try to sabotage a new relationship. You and their other parent will need to relieve them of their imagined responsibility for recreating the family. You’ll need to explain many, many times that the divorce is permanent.
• The kids will worry you will “divorce” them too. Their reasoning is that since you once loved your partner but left, you could leave them too. You and their other parent will need to explain to them frequently that partner love is different from parent love and that there is nothing they can do that will make either of you stop loving them or being their parents.
• In their efforts to make sense of the situation, kids will sometimes decide that one or the other parent is really the bad guy. Sometimes in a moment of temper, they will say terrible things: “You’re such a ____, it’s no wonder my father/mother left you!” “My dad/mom must have an awful secret or you wouldn’t have left!” Whatever your own feelings about your former spouse, kids need to feel that they have two good parents. You both will need to explain many, many times that the other parent is a perfectly good person but wasn’t a good partner for you.
• Often kids will make threats in attempts to get their parents to stay together or reunite. “I’ll run away.” “I’ll hate you forever.” “I won’t cooperate with your arrangements for where I should live or who I should be with.” You and their other parent need to repeat many, many times that you understand why they are so upset but that threats don’t solve the problems. You’ll need to have many, many serious talks about what might make things work better for them.

There’s no such thing as an easy divorce when there are children. Divorcing amicably doesn’t guarantee that the children will go along with the new arrangement without turmoil. They need empathy. They need your support. They need you to acknowledge that you are disrupting their lives. They need to be validated that you are making the choice that, yes, you are really so unhappy that at this point your happiness comes before theirs.

When parents are honest about how hard the divorce is on their children, the kids usually eventually accept it. It’s unfair to expect them to like it. It’s unreasonable to look to them to support the decision. But when children and teens feel heard, they are more likely to join in constructing a new idea of their family. The parents’ job is to work very hard to be cooperative co-parents and to do as much as possible to accommodate the kids’ needs for predictability and stability in the midst of the major disruption that even the most amicable divorce creates for them.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping-kids-cope-with-your-amicable-divorce/

How to Handle Anxiety and Fear During Divorce

There are two very difficult emotions that almost everyone going through a divorce experiences for a long time: Anxiety and fear. If you think about it, it makes sense. The unknown can be scary and stressful, especially when it comes to children, finances, living alone, the divorce process itself, maintaining a relationship with your ex, and dating.

There are many ways to soothe anxiety and fear. Some people go on medication. While I am not personally a fan, I think in some cases, seeking medical help and taking a pill is necessary, very beneficial and nothing to be ashamed of. People also cope with anxiety and fear by exercising, making lifestyle changes, going to therapy, implementing faith in their lives, and something I’m going to address below—training the mind to re-think.

Here are 9 things you might be thinking during your divorce which could be causing anxiety and fear, and 9 ways to train your mind to re-think them:

1. Life feels like it’s two steps forward, four steps back. Hard work, dedication and consistency will ultimately move me ahead, making the steps backward not even noticeable at some point.

2. I’m scared. Fear is created in my own mind. I have the power to recognize that and to use it to drive me, motivate me, and energize me to achieve great things.

3. My financial picture seems bleak. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, heat, medical care, even a bed to sleep in. That’s not bleak.

4. I hope my divorce doesn’t affect my children in a negative way. I have the power to raise my children as I see fit. I’m a great mom (or dad), I show them love, I have open communication with them and I am doing everything in my power to help them during this difficult time. The rest is uncontrollable and therefore is a waste of negative energy to think about.

5. When it comes to dating after divorce, relationships can be complicated with kids and ex’s, and loving again takes vulnerability and courage, which I don’t know if I have. Romantic love at any age is beautiful and fun and sexy and breathtaking. Vulnerability is healthy and makes the relationship better. Whether he loves me or not is out of my control. All I can do is be me and be proud of who I am.

6. Dealing with my ex can be so difficult. Enough whining. My relationship with my ex is something I will have to maintain in a healthy way for a long, long time. I must learn to live with it and take the emotion out of it. In other words, nothing good comes from bringing up the past. And, I will never stop taking the high road. It will never be the wrong decision, no matter how he (or she) acts towards me.

7. It’s hard to be a single mom (or dad). I feel alone sometimes. Would I rather be in my former bad marriage? Also, I am not alone if I have children, a good family and/or friends, and people who love me. Plus, 50% of the population is divorced making 50 percent of them single parents, just like me.

8. Why is my ex in a relationship and I’m still single? This isn’t a competition. Let him or her live their life. I need to focus on mine. Do I want to be in a relationship? If so, how can I make that happen? Am I happy? If not, what’s it going to take to make me happy? Better figure it out soon.

9. Getting older isn’t easy. Really? You’re playing that card? Am I healthy? I need to do what it takes to get to my healthiest potential. Health should be my number one priority. What’s it going to take?

I have one last suggestion for dealing with fear and anxiety during divorce. Go to the gym. There is something about that place, as if it has some kind of a vacuum that sucks in everything that is bugging you.

I’m not saying that working out solves your problems, but rather that engaging in physical activity, lifting weights and challenging your body takes your mind to the core of what you are doing at that moment—working hard, and it makes everything in life seem so much more manageable and solvable.

I find that if I walk in there all doom and gloom, I always walk out refreshed, my mind open to all these creative avenues that are going to help solve my problems, along with a feeling of accomplishment and self-worth. It happens to me time and time again. I’ll go so far as to say going to the gym is like taking a happy pill.

Remember that you aren’t alone in experiencing fear and anxiety during divorce, and even after. It’s part of life. The key in managing it is focusing that energy on the things you have, the positives, and the aspects that are going to shape your bright future. And when you start thinking that way, good things begin to happen!

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/how-to-handle-anxiety-and_b_8332536.html