In conversations with my therapist, my friends and loved ones, uncertainty comes up often. How will I meet Mr. Right? How, when and where will I find my dream job or land my first client? When will I or how do I start to lose weight? Uncertainty in life often feels like the greatest hurdle to our happiness, but it is actually a huge blessing, we just need a better understanding of its nature and how to move through it. Here are some lessons I have learned about our elusive friend, uncertainty:
Lesson One: No Uncertainty = Boring Life
I know it seems brutally wrong and insensitive. Why can’t I just have a road map that shows me exactly which Starbucks location I need to buy a latte from to meet my future husband? Why can’t someone tell me where I will get my next job opportunity, and if I will get the pay raise I’ve been fighting for? All these things that cause you angst because you just don’t know the when, where and how of it all are the crux of living. I mean, truly living. Imagine if you had a road map that detailed everything that would happen to you from now until the day you die? How boring! Not only would there be no excitement (and fear and anticipation) in the unfolding of your future, you wouldn’t get the awesome right to shape your destiny as new information and realizations come into your existence; allowing your destiny to remain fluid as you evolve and grow. You don’t need to love the angst of uncertainty, but the fear and anxiety do not have to stop you from going after what you want in life. Recognize that those emotions are there, take a deep breath, and go for it anyway! Begin to contemplate that the butterflies in your stomach are more than just discomfort — they are life’s way of telling you something exciting and unpredictable is unfolding. Without it, there would be very little to look forward to. If we can begin to embrace it just a little, our life can take on a whole new meaning.
Lesson Two: Temporary setbacks often arrive hand in hand with uncertainty, but success is around the corner (if you refuse to give up)
How often have you heard someone say that getting fired turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to them? At the time, they probably had tremendous anxiety about the situation, yet suddenly out of a really tough situation many of their dreams were borne. At a recent concert I attended where Aloe Blacc performed, he mentioned that his journey to becoming a successful performer started with the end of a job. He also talked about meeting Dr. Dre for the first time. Dr. Dre didn’t shower him with compliments — he told him his music was good, but he thought Aloe could do better. While I am sure that must have stung a bit, it also forced Aloe to go back to his craft. Arising from ideas that had been simmering in his head for years, Aloe created his hit song “The Man” which was eventually featured in a commercial for Beats by Dre. You may think life is being tough on you (and only you), and sometimes it is (yet you are not alone), but it will always allow you the opportunity to take something valuable away from the experience. Challenges are there to test your metal, to give you the chance to go back to the drawing board, and dig deeper inside of yourself for something that is truly amazing. Everyone who pursues a dream will encounter challenges before bringing that dream to fruition. In his book Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill states that: “Before success comes to most people, they are sure to meet with much temporary defeat, and perhaps some failure. When faced with defeat the easiest and most logical thing to do is to quit. That is exactly what the majority of people do. More than 500 of the most successful people America has ever known told the author their greatest success came just one step beyond the point at which defeat had overtaken them.”
Lesson Three: You have to know what you want (Plus it’s fun to imagine what you want in life)
As Paul Arden said in his book It’s Not How Good You Are, It’s How Good You Want To Be, “Your vision of where or who you want to be is the greatest asset you have. Without having a goal, it’s difficult to score.” For example, you are dreaming of leaving your boring job in the cubicle doldrums. One day you are complaining of the job you despise, and someone asks you what your dream job is — but you can’t answer the question! You need to spend more time thinking about your innate talents and desires, that little voice inside that is screaming at you to do something that will make your heart sing. I always heard people say “do what you love” and “what you would do for free.” Yet having listened to that, it has taken me a long time to figure out what that thing was. I finally discovered it was writing and communications. I have been writing since I was a tween and I am in my mid-30s now! Last year alone, I hated my job, and I kept getting all these little freelance opportunities that involved writing and communications. I would ask myself the question, “Hmmmm... I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me?” Long story short, I finally figured it out — the thing I loved was writing. The universe had smacked me upside the head with a few two by fours, and I finally got the message. Get a journal and write down what you want in a life partner, a career and life in general. Create a vision board with all the fun images of what you want your life to look like, now and in the future. Spend more time in your imagination, picturing all the awesome things that would happen in your life (if reality didn’t seem to be in the way). Maybe, just maybe, reality will start to adjust to accommodate your desires. It has for me!
Lesson Four: You have to remain open and have faith in your dreams (and yes, it usually takes longer and is bumpier than you expect)
In his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford, Steve Jobs said, “Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith.” This is from a guy who is revered and changed the world as we know it. He was specifically referring to when he had been fired from Apple, the company he founded. He was devastated and debated leaving Silicon Valley. But somehow he found a way to forge ahead, doing something he loved, and well, the rest is history. We have everything worked out, but when it doesn’t work out how we planned, the voices in our head go crazy — I was supposed to be working by now. I was supposed to be further along in my career by this age. This is something I should have done in my 20s. I am too old to reinvent myself. Who is going to want to date me at this age, with this disease, with children, with a divorce, with this set of couch cushions?! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I’m telling you, if life pushes you then it is just begging you to push it back. It has something great in store for you if you just refuse to give up and keep true to the vision of what you want your life to be. Life is not easy for anyone, but the people that have “made it” are those that forged through the rough and murky waters of life. Remember the stories of Aloe Blacc and Steve Jobs — they struggled through numerous challenges before succeeding. Even Winston Churchill’s defining moment occurred in his mid-60s during World War II. You never know when a turning point in your life will occur, but you must have faith, you must know what you want, and you cannot give up. And yes, you may feel like giving up, have a bad day, or hide out until you figure out what your next move is. Let it flow, and let it go! Transition and discovery is the marrow of life. It is overwhelming, sometimes exhausting, and often exhilarating; without it we are bored, predictable, listless and underwhelmed. In the words of Ayn Rand inThe Voice of Reason, “Don’t ever give up what you want in life. The struggle is worth it.” Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/heather-martin/life-is-uncertain-but-the_b_5710797.html
Will I have a job in six months? Will we have enough money? What if my new boss and I don’t get along? Dealing with the uncertainties of life causes stress and anxiety—and there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air right now. With the recent election, regardless of which candidate you voted for, our stress is at an all time high. A recent study conducted by the APA found that 52 percent of Americans reported mild to significant stress as a result of the 2016 election.
When it comes to change, we may not always be able to control the outcome, but we can control our response to it. And that’s resilience. It gives you the tools to bounce back from tough situations and thrive in the face of challenges. Here are five keys to dealing with uncertainty:
1. Let Go
The first step to dealing with uncertainty is to accept that we can’t control everything. This is where Iceberg beliefs—those big, bone deep assumptions we have about the way the world works—come into play. If you have an Iceberg Belief such as, “I should never be uncertain” or “Everything must always stay the same,” then uncertainty can be especially challenging. Tom Corboy, licensed therapist and author of The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD, suggests replacing these beliefs with one that is more open-minded and realistic, such as “uncertainty is less than ideal, but it is acceptable and tolerable.” Recognize that there is only so much you can do right now—and that makes you human, not powerless. Things will unfold soon enough. In the meantime, the way you treat yourself is in your control, so be kind!
2. Envision the Best
We often try to spare ourselves disappointment by thinking through how things could go wrong. However, research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that people tend to overestimate the risks and negative consequences that may result from a situation. That leads to a lot of anxiety, or worse—sets us up for failure. Beginning something by worrying about the outcome can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, try imagining the best possible scenario. Picture your surroundings and how it will feel. Not only will you feel more confident about where you’re headed, you’ll feel calmer and clearer about where you’re at now, which well help with decision-making and boost your odds of success.
3. Reflect
Remember that you’ve faced uncertainty before. The psychological concept of “hindsight bias” says that we tend to create the illusion that everything in our past was certain, when in reality, it was once uncertain. The fact that you stand here now is proof that you are strong enough to make it through. Take time to think and reflect on what helped you before. Write it down—and then read it when your worrisome thoughts start to take hold.
4. Avoid Avoidance (And Keep Moving!)
A little uncertainty can be healthy. It activates the sympathetic nervous system—our “fight or flight” response—which gives us a jolt of energy and mobilizes us to take action. When this response makes us too anxious, however, it can have the opposite effect and be paralyzing. If you know that you tend to avoid dealing with the future, remind yourself that although dealing with uncertainty is hard, there are consequences for not facing it head on.
Your self-talk (the thoughts you have about your feelings) can make or break you. When you make a mistake, they either magnify the negativity or help you turn that misstep into something productive.
Negative self-talk is unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull out of. All self-talk is driven by important beliefs that you hold about yourself. It plays an understated but powerful role in success because it can both spur you forward to achieve your goals and hold you back. “He who believes he can and he who believes he cannot are both correct.” -Henry Ford
TalentSmart has tested the emotional intelligence (EQ) of more than a million people and found that 90% of top performers are high in emotional intelligence. These successful, high EQ individuals possess an important skill⎯the ability to recognize and control negative self-talk so that it doesn’t prevent them from reaching their full potential. These successful people earn an average of $28,000 more annually than their low EQ peers, get promoted more often, and receive higher marks on performance evaluations. The link between EQ and earnings is so direct that every point increase in EQ adds $1,300 to an annual salary. When it comes to self-talk, we’ve discovered some common thoughts that hold people back more than any others. Be mindful of your tendencies to succumb to these thoughts, so that they don’t derail your career: 1. Perfection equals success. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure, and end up spending your time lamenting what you failed to accomplish, instead of enjoying what you were able to achieve. 2. My destiny is predetermined. Far too many people succumb to the highly irrational idea that they are destined to succeed or fail. Make no mistake about it, your destiny is in your own hands, and blaming multiple successes or failures on forces beyond your control is nothing more than a cop out. Sometimes life will deal you difficult cards to play, and others times you’ll be holding aces. Your willingness to give your all in playing any hand you’re holding determines your ultimate success or failure in life. 3. I “always” or “never” do that. There isn’t anything in life that you always or never do. You may do something a lot or not do something enough, but framing your behavior in terms of “always” or “never” is a form of self-pity. It makes you believe that you have no control of yourself and will never change. Don’t succumb to it. 4. I succeed when others approve of me. Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one thing is certain⎯you’re never as good or bad as they say you are. It’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, but you can take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what people think about you, your self-worth comes only from within. 5. My past equals my future. Repeated failures can erode your self-confidence and make it hard to believe you’ll achieve a better outcome in the future. Most of the time, these failures result from taking risks and trying to achieve something that isn’t easy. Just remember that success lies in your ability to rise in the face of failure. Anything worth achieving is going to require you to take some risks, and you can’t allow failure to stop you from believing in your ability to succeed. 6. My emotions equal my reality. If you’ve read Emotional Intelligence 2.0, you know how to take an objective look at your feelings and separate fact from fiction. If not, you might want to read it. Otherwise, your emotions will continue to skew your sense of reality, making you vulnerable to the negative self-talk that can hold you back from achieving your full potential.
It takes guts to admit to yourself that things aren’t going really well. It takes courage to talk to your nearest and dearest friends about the difficulties that you’re going through. There is certain stigma in society, built upon the foundation of an egotistical thinking, which implies that having problems — being depressed — is a sign of weakness. Research shows that in America, the main cause of stress in a household is associated with stress at the workplace. Dealing with lousy managers, lazy coworkers, and being exposed to a pressurizing environment will undoubtedly start to take a toll on you. The world, in this regard, can certainly share a similar sentiment: we’re living in the dark ages of economic and emotional stability, even equality for that matter.
Becoming an adult.
Although depression, anxiety, and social stigma exist during the period of adolescence, the aftermath starts to become visible only after a certain age, perhaps at a time in your life when you’re being exposed to a larger number of adults who are not only dealing with their own stresses, but manage to provoke difficult emotions within yourself; all of which are associated with the things that have happened to you in the past. It takes a certain determination to switch depression off, to use it as a tool for growth, rather than a tool for self-sabotage.
The answer lies in the question.
It’s easy to numb your pain. It’s easy to go out for drinks, to cry about your problems and then forget about them momentarily. It’s easy to reinforce anger and sadness by rehashing the same experience in your mind a thousand times. It never did any good to me, so I can’t image it doing any good for anyone else. Numbing pain is not the answer for finding a solution as to why you’re depressed in the first place. If I learned anything from spending several years in lonely solitude, it’s this: the answers to your depressive behaviors and patterns lie within you, not somewhere in the external world. When you prepare dinner for yourself, and your family, why did you do it? Was it because you love them, or because it’s something that needs to be done every single day as part of life? What if the core reason for doing it was the fact that humans need to feed their hunger, a quintessential part of the human life is to nourish the body with food. So, if you can find the core reason for needing food, can you not do the same for finding the ultimate reason for your depression?
Why am I depressed?
Just by asking a simple question, without judging yourself, it’s possible to hear the underlying reason for why you’re feeling a certain way. Whenever I’m going through a difficult time, that is my ultimate question to ask myself, because unless I do — I find myself drifting away deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of an endless loop that starts to creep up on my awareness as some sort of a hatred machine for everything around me.
What to do with the answer.
You might be wondering, what’s next? What comes next after getting the answer? It’s simple, what comes next is internal change in how you approach your depressive behaviors, fears and anxieties about anything in the external world. It’s unprecedented how many of us have become professional suppressors of our own emotions, yet all it takes is to bring awareness into that which is driving us crazy, and within that split moment things start to change immediately. The ego begins to lose its grip over what has happened in the past, because you’re starting to actively seek a solution, you’re seeking the underlying root cause for the emotions that you’re feeling. During my teenage years, I developed the habit of being a bully. I bullied people because it was “fun”, my close friends liked to do it as well, and I didn’t really know any better. Then a few years later, I found myself on the other side of the coin, and became a target for others to bully me. At that time, things like karma or cause and effect never crossed my mind, but now in my mid-20’s it is starting to make a lot more sense. I had built this pitch-perfect picture in my mind of how another person should appear, and if he wasn’t living up to those insane standards I was in the position to condemn him for not having the same luxuries as I did, of which I had very little regardless.
Pain stores itself in your body, your subconscious.
Our past experiences shape our present moment, the more we hold on to those experiences the less we get to experience of that which is already here in this moment. The more difficult our past experiences, and the less we invest to resolve emotions associated with them, the less joyful becomes the present moment. It’s a time tested theory, yet we’re still learning to navigate this concept for the purpose of becoming a better version of ourselves. In society today, it’s hard to really take time for yourself to rejuvenate and heal, without having someone yell at the back of your mind that what you’re doing is stupid, and pointless. The irony lies in the fact that whoever does condemn you, for your humble choice to change, is likely to be dealing with emotional pain himself. My life changed completely at the age of 20, my old life had ran its course and I began to dedicate myself to mindfulness and meditation as a daily thing. It took my parents 3 years to accept that things have changed in my life, it has taken some of my friends to this day to learn how to let go of a version of me that is no longer there. Yet, such is the journey of life. We, you, have the choice as to whether we want to hold onto things, or learn from them — to accept the inevitable and push forward in a new direction. Change will always start within. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-ivanovs/depression-as-a-starting_b_12742436.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
The other day was a “mom day.” I spend Monday’s with my 15-month-old, Kai. While I’m not technically working, I still always feel like I need to be extremely productive. Get errands done, house cleaned, chores finished, car washed, you name it. My son had fallen asleep for an early nap, and I was extremely tired after a busy (albeit fun) weekend. I had that feeling in my body that was saying “either you rest, or you’re going to get a cold”. My first instinct was to push through: The car needs to be vacuumed! Emails need to be answered! I should just write to a couple clients! I felt guilty for wanting to take a nap. Somewhere along the line like so many other women, I’ve fallen into the belief that AFTER everything gets done THEN I can finally relax. The problem with this lie is that there is never going to be an end to everything getting done. And with this belief, slowly my psyche thinks that I need perfection in order to relax, which is a bit of a paradox. So as uncomfortable as I felt, I lit the fire, curled up with my book, and dozed off to the Norah Jones station on Pandora.
Here are 3 ways to start making yourself a priority:
1. Self-awareness is the work of the gentle warrior. It takes courage and bravery to look within oneself. The first step to making yourself a priority is to understand the underlying reasons why you don’t.
Are you too busy?
Do everyone else’s needs come first?
Do you have to make sure you get your full to-do list checked off before you can relax?
Is there an underlying emotion that comes up at the idea of self-care such as guilt or selfishness?
Once you understand why you’re not making yourself a priority, you can work with it. Next time you really need some rest, self-care, or alone time, simply notice the thought or feeling coming up. Notice the way it feels in your body and simply be with this feeling as you gently let go of the story you’re telling yourself in your head. Stay with it and notice as it dissipates. 2. Create some non-negotiable rituals. Rituals help us to stay grounded, balanced, and calm in an ever-changing and busy world. If you feel rundown, or stress is starting to affect you physically, pull back and assess. Are you putting yourself first? Are you building strength or avoiding pain? What’s one thing you can do today to take better care of yourself? The key with ritual is to start simply and slowly add on. Here are just a couple I like to incorporate into my day:
A cup of tea when I wake up.
Stretching at night.
50/50/50 - squats, sit-ups, and push-ups with my husband first thing in the morning.
A daily planning sheet before diving into work.
Turning my phone on airplane mode around 5:30 pm to start dinner and welcome my family home.
Yoga class every Wednesday.
3. Simplify. Simplify. Simplify. Learning to embrace simplicity (an ongoing process) has transformed my health, finances, relationship, and work. Simplifying isn’t always the easy choice, because things build up in life and get complicated. However, simplifying how you spend your time, how you spend your money, your to-do list, streamlining what you can, and how you focus your energy, will have great benefits. We’re surrounded with the message “you can have it all!” but what does that actually mean? Every time you say yes to something you’re automatically saying no to something else. Instead, understand the season of your life and what is most important to you right now. Simplifying means having more time for those things... including yourself. To you dear one, trying your best every day, take a break. You deserve it. Take care of yourself because we need you. While navigating the new world, we need to show up for each other. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alexis-meads/3-ways-to-start-making-yourself_b_14559870.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
In order to surround yourself with what you love you have to stop settling for what you don’t. One of the realizations you’ve probably had as you’ve been healing from your divorce is that you learned to accept less than you wanted during your marriage. Obviously, you accepted less honest communication, less meaningful connection and less unconditional love than you wanted and deserved or else you’d still be married. But in the name of compromise (or keeping the peace) you also accepted other things that you didn’t really want or like: the nagging, the yelling, the strained relationship with your in-laws, or even the color of your bedroom. So here’s the great news. Now you can stop settling! But not just on the things that you settled for for the sake of your marriage. Now you can stop settling for everything. You can create your life after divorce full of things, relationships, behaviors and experiences that you love. However, before you can fully create a life you love you need to learn how to stop settling. Whenever you ignore your preferences and choose something just because it’s what’s available now and not because you love it, you’re settling. Whenever you do something because it’s easy and not because it’s what you really want to do, you’re settling. Whenever you accept someone’s poor behavior without saying something about it, you’re settling. It’s important to recognize what settling is because it’s an insidious habit. It’s easy to put your preferences or feelings to the side for the sake of someone else. And why do you do that? So those other people can have what they want! Well, it’s time for you to have what you want out of life. Since no one is going to just hand it to you on a silver platter, it’s time for you to stop settling and create the great life after divorce that you deserve. When you stop to think about it, settling feels bad. You feel diminished and less than the person you’re allowing to have their way. If it goes on too long, you wind up feeling victimized and unworthy of what you really want out of life. Now that you know how settling feels and what its impact is in your life, you can begin to eliminate settling from your life. Start by taking a good look at your possessions. Are there things you need to purge because you feel bad just looking at them or you feel bad when you use them? Those are the things you’ve allowed into your life that you don’t really want. Those are the things you’re settling for. But don’t think you have to purge or replace all of that stuff at the same time. You can do it in phases (and as your budget allows). Maybe you’ll start by getting rid of all the pens you have that don’t write well. Maybe you’ll start by throwing out all the underwear that you’d never want someone else to see you in. The important thing here isn’t how quickly you eliminate all the things you’ve been settling for, but that you begin purging them and have a plan for how to replace (or live without) all of them. After you’ve cut your teeth with getting rid of the things that you’ve settled for, you can start looking at how you’re settling in other areas of your life. Some of the other areas for you to consider are your relationships, your behaviors and habits as well as your job. What you’ll quickly discover as you eliminate more and more of the things, relationships, behaviors, and experiences you’ll feel lighter. Your world will seem happier and more comforting because you’re only surrounding yourself with people, places, things and experiences that you want. And THAT will guarantee that your life after divorce is way better than it was before you divorced. Source: https://drkarenfinn.com/divorce-blog/life-after-divorce/357-how-to-stop-settling-and-have-a-great-life-after-divorce
