Good dads -- the real game changer | Dr. Meg Meeker | TEDxTraverseCity

Not directly related to divorce, but certainly an indirect endorsement of keeping both parents in the lives of the kids... in praise of Dads!

7 Things You Need to Know to Deal With Major Life Changes

In a split second, in a freak accident, I lost much of my sight. The reaction and adaptation to the trauma and my new disability taught me some key lessons about going through a major life change. A set of life lessons that helped me to survive and thrive. And since most of us go through changes in our lives, some drastic, some minor, these lessons are applicable to you. 

1. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s natural to have feelings of sadness, to grieve over the loss of something, to feel angry about your situation, or to place blame. You have permission to feel that way, but only for moments. You can have your pity party, but only for a day or two, and then you have to move on. If you spend too much time in that place of anger or pity or blame, you end up not being able to adapt to your change. It keeps you in a place of helplessness. And what you need to be is in a place of hope and of growth. 

2. You can give yourself permission to be vulnerable: Some of us like to project an image of being strong and fearless, but sometimes it’s not the truth. The truth is that we’re scared, vulnerable, weak and in need of help. We need to allow ourselves to rely on others. And showing that vulnerability is OK. It may feel like you are exposed, but being completely exposed is not always a bad thing. There is always learning and growth that can come from it. You allow people to really see you and when they can see you, can know your stress or pain, they can help. Vulnerability is just part of who we are as people. 

3. You are never alone: Sometimes when we go through major changes we think we are dealing with something no one else can understand or no one else is going through. But there are others that can empathize with you. You’re not alone. Even if you don’t ask people to be around you, family and close friends will come to your side. You’re also never alone because you always have yourself to rely on. And ultimately none of us are separate from the Creator or separate from the universe. So the idea of being alone is a false one. 

4. You have to ask for help: Often people don’t know what to say or what to do. After I had my accident, there were people that didn’t call me for several months, and these were people close to me. Some people get stuck because they don’t know what to say or what to do. Sometimes people are natural caregivers. They jump right in to help. But these are the minority. So it is your job to tell people what to say and what to do that will be helpful. What I’ve learned is that I’ve had to ask very specifically for what I need and for even, sometimes, what I need to hear. Being able to clearly articulate what you need gives people a sense of relief. In the end, people really like to be told how they can help you in very specific terms. They need it defined for them so they can feel like they are helping and supporting you. Left on their own to guess this information, they feel helpless. And when they feel helpless they do not act. So empower them and empower yourself by letting them know specifically how they can help.

5. You can adapt to anything. Our ability to adapt is amazing. As I began to adapt to being a person with limited sight, I was continually amazed at how quickly I could figure out how to get around problems and obstacles. Necessity is the mother of invention and you will naturally find ways to solve your problems and do things in new and different ways when you’re presented with challenges. The adaptability and flexibility of our spirits and of our beings is a given. Those who cannot change and adapt have convinced themselves it is not possible. If you trust that you can adapt, then you will. And if you believe that you can change, then you will, no matter what the challenge.

6. You have to have hope for the future: I’ve been given news that there is no hope for a change in my sight and have been through two surgeries that did not improve it. Despite these setbacks, I have to believe that there is hope in the future. A belief I will get my sight back. Having that hope and having the positive perspective is what keeps me moving forward every day. If I gave up that belief it would be like letting go of a rope that pulls me forward. Believing that things can and will be different, and that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see like me, is the most important thing in getting through a change process. Knowing that there is an end in sight, knowing there are possibilities, and having hope that things are going to be better. And, ultimately, things are going to work out.

7. You will grow as a person, but you are still the same: Going through a change, especially one that is traumatic, changes you forever. It changes how you see life and deal with things. You’re never going to be the same again and that’s a good thing. Because in the midst of change is a great deal of learning, if you are willing to have vision and perspective. And if you are willing to continually ask yourself the question, “What am I supposed to be learning from this?” “How am I supposed to grow?” “How will I become a better person because of this?” In any change process, you can become stronger, and a better version of you. Just because something changes about you, even something radical, doesn’t change the core of who you are as a person. I, as now a visually impaired person, have my same mission, my same purpose, and my same values. So having something different about you doesn’t make you a different human being. If you are strong and centered and grounded, that is still who you are. Sometimes you have to remind yourself of that.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisabeth-saunders-medlock-phd/seven-things-you-need-to-_b_4129918.html

5 Ways to Handle Uncertainty

Will I have a job in six months? Will we have enough money? What if my new boss and I don’t get along? Dealing with the uncertainties of life causes stress and anxiety—and there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air right now. With the recent election, regardless of which candidate you voted for, our stress is at an all time high. A recent study conducted by the APA found that 52 percent of Americans reported mild to significant stress as a result of the 2016 election.

When it comes to change, we may not always be able to control the outcome, but we can control our response to it. And that’s resilience. It gives you the tools to bounce back from tough situations and thrive in the face of challenges. Here are five keys to dealing with uncertainty:

1. Let Go

The first step to dealing with uncertainty is to accept that we can’t control everything. This is where Iceberg beliefs—those big, bone deep assumptions we have about the way the world works—come into play. If you have an Iceberg Belief such as, “I should never be uncertain” or “Everything must always stay the same,” then uncertainty can be especially challenging. Tom Corboy, licensed therapist and author of The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD, suggests replacing these beliefs with one that is more open-minded and realistic, such as “uncertainty is less than ideal, but it is acceptable and tolerable.”
Recognize that there is only so much you can do right now—and that makes you human, not powerless. Things will unfold soon enough. In the meantime, the way you treat yourself is in your control, so be kind!

2. Envision the Best

We often try to spare ourselves disappointment by thinking through how things could go wrong. However, research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that people tend to overestimate the risks and negative consequences that may result from a situation. That leads to a lot of anxiety, or worse—sets us up for failure. Beginning something by worrying about the outcome can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, try imagining the best possible scenario. Picture your surroundings and how it will feel. Not only will you feel more confident about where you’re headed, you’ll feel calmer and clearer about where you’re at now, which well help with decision-making and boost your odds of success.

3. Reflect

Remember that you’ve faced uncertainty before. The psychological concept of “hindsight bias” says that we tend to create the illusion that everything in our past was certain, when in reality, it was once uncertain. The fact that you stand here now is proof that you are strong enough to make it through. Take time to think and reflect on what helped you before. Write it down—and then read it when your worrisome thoughts start to take hold.

4. Avoid Avoidance (And Keep Moving!)

A little uncertainty can be healthy. It activates the sympathetic nervous system—our “fight or flight” response—which gives us a jolt of energy and mobilizes us to take action.
When this response makes us too anxious, however, it can have the opposite effect and be paralyzing. If you know that you tend to avoid dealing with the future, remind yourself that although dealing with uncertainty is hard, there are consequences for not facing it head on.

5. See the Possibility

A blank slate ahead means that there’s nothing written on it yet. And while that may appear daunting, think of it this way: You are standing on the threshold of possibility. Remember why you made this shift in the first place and be proud of yourself for making a move—no matter how it turns out.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mequilibrium/5-ways-to-handle-uncertai_b_13326476.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

Avoiding Comparisons with Others

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight-reel"


- Steve Furtick (not Quantick, as I mention in the video - sorry Steve!)


This video discusses how comparisons with others are generally unhelpful in influencing how we feel since we're not comparing like-for-like and instead only seeing things from one perspective. Learn how comparison can be avoided or used productively as we navigate divorce and life generally.

Want to Thrive after Divorce?

Life Coaching: After the Split, 6 Principles to Move Foward in your New Life

SIX UNIVERSAL PRINCIPLES FOR THRIVING AFTER DIVORCE

After going through her own divorce, Carolyn Ellis, Ph.D., studied coaching with Debbie Ford, the New York Times bestselling author of “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers'” and “Spiritual Divorce.” Today, Ellis is a certified spiritual divorce coach. Ellis has developed success strategies she calls THRIVE. Practicing these six principles provides a way to move from merely surviving a divorce to thriving in your new life. Here are her six principles for thriving:

T – Trust.

OK. Right now life sucks. Embrace the suckage. Everything happens for a reason.

H – Honesty.

Get real with the grief. Develop a strategy for getting help with the loneliness. “Often parents keep a stiff upper lip and hold their grief in because they don’t want their children to see them upset,” Ellis said. “Modeling healthy ways to process your grief gives your children permission to feel their own pain.”

R – Responsibility.

You are in the driver’s seat and 100 percent responsible for your life, past, present and future. You are not a victim. You had some part in choosing what has happened. That means you get to chose where you go from here.

I – Integrity.

Don’t be thinking or saying one thing while doing another because every time you make a commitment to yourself and don’t follow through, you destroy your ability to trust yourself. Remember: your words are powerful. They must be in alignment with your actions, otherwise, you’re going to attract the wrong kind of people.

V – Vision.

While staying in a marriage is about honoring choices you made based on the person you were years ago, divorce gives you an opportunity to create a direction based on who you are today. So, create a bold vision and reach for what you really want.

E – Express.

This is a step is about learning to process all your emotions in healthy ways. Learning how to move emotions through you is important for your physical and emotional health. “Emotions are just energy in motion,” Ellis says. For example, on a day when life is really getting you down, Ellis suggests one way to model healthy expression for your children is by speaking truthfully and asking for something that will help you feel better. For example, “Mommy is feeling really sad right now. What I need is a five-minute tickle fight.” After all, laughter is the best medicine and there’s nothing like a raucous tickle time with kids to remind you of what’s really important.

Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/want-to-thrive-after-divorce/amp/