Whether you’ve been dumped by your partner, or you’re facing a financial crisis, throwing a pity party won’t help. In fact, feeling sorry for yourself can become downright self-destructive. It makes overcoming adversity difficult — if not impossible — and it keeps you stuck.
Mentally-strong people refuse to allow self-pity to sabotage their success. Instead, they use life’s inevitable hardships as a way to grow stronger and become better. Here’s how mentally-strong people avoid the self-pity trap:
1. They Face Their Feelings
Mentally-strong people allow themselves to experience emotions like grief, disappointment, and loneliness head on. They don’t distract themselves from uncomfortable emotions by questioning whether their problems are fair, or by convincing themselves they’ve suffered more than those around them. They know the best way to deal with discomfort is to just get through it.
2. They Recognize Warning Signs of the Downward Spiral
When you focus on everything that is going wrong in your life, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative. And those negative thoughts will negatively affect your behavior if you dwell on them. The combination of negative thinking and inactivity fuels further feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people recognize when they’re at risk of becoming caught in this downward spiral and they take action to prevent themselves from living a pitiful life.
3. They Question Their Perceptions
Our emotional state influences how we perceive reality. When you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you’re likely to focus on the bad things going on in your life, while overlooking the good. Mentally strong people question whether their thoughts represent reality.
They ask themselves questions like, “Is my luck always bad?” or “Is my entire life really ruined?” Asking themselves these types of questions allows them to recognize when they’re outlook isn’t realistic. This allows them to create a more realistic perception of their situation.
4. They Turn their Negative Thoughts into Behavioral Experiments
Mentally strong people don’t allow their negative thinking to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, when they find themselves thinking things like, “I could never put on a presentation as good as this one,” they respond by saying, “Challenge accepted!” They perform behavioral experiments to prove their negative thinking wrong.
5. They Reserve their Resources for Productive Activities
Every minute you spend hosting your own pity party is 60 seconds you delay working on a solution. Mentally strong people refuse to waste their precious time and energy dwelling on their misery. Instead, they devote their finite resources to productive activities that can improve their situation.
6. They Practice Gratitude
It’s impossible to feel self-pity and gratitude at the same time. While self-pity is about thinking, “I deserve better,” gratitude is about thinking, “I have more than I need.” Mentally strong people recognize all that they have to be grateful for in life — right down to the fresh air to breathe and clean water to drink.
7. They Help Other People
It’s hard to feel sorry for your problems when you’re helping those who are less fortunate. Problems like demanding customers or declining sales don’t seem so bad when you’re reminded that there are people who lack food and shelter. Rather than ruminate on their own inconveniences, mentally strong people strive to improve the lives of others.
8. They Refuse to Complain
Venting to other people about the magnitude of your problems fuels feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people don’t try to gain sympathy from others by complaining about their difficult circumstances. Instead, they either take action to make things better, or they accept the situations that they can’t change.
9. They Maintain an Optimistic Outlook
Some of life’s problems can’t be prevented nor solved. The loss of loved ones, natural disasters, and certain health conditions are problems that most people will face at one time or another. Mentally strong people keep an optimistic outlook about their ability to handle whatever life throws their way.
Build Mental Strength
Developing mental strength is similar to building physical strength. If you wanted to become physically strong you’d need good habits — like lifting weights. But you’d also need to get rid of bad habits, like eating too many sweets. Developing mental strength requires good habits — and it also requires you to give up destructive habits, like self-pity.
Everyone has the ability to build mental strength. By developing an increased ability to regulate your thoughts, manage your emotions and behave productively despite your circumstances, you’ll grow stronger and become better.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-morin/9-ways-mentally-strong-pe_b_7214826.html
Don't Get Stuck In A Rut - Here's How To Move On After A Divorce
After sweating your way through proposal planning, asking (what felt like) the most important question of your life, committing your life to another person and building a life together, it can seem surreal when the ‘D’ word comes up in conversation. Even scarier? When divorce becomes the reality of your relationship, ending the marriage and the union that you had hoped would last the rest of your life. Between the financial, emotional and physical impact a divorce has on your wellbeing, health and happiness, considering a future that is full of joy might seem far-fetched and impossible.
While there's no point in sugarcoating it and say it’ll be easy to move on after a divorce, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a touchdown to still be made at the other end of the field. The hard, sad truth is that an estimated 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, meaning that you are definitely not the first person to have to move past a heartache and you certainly won’t be the last.
Here, relationship experts give you their best advice on how to mend your spirit and begin the long road of recovery that hopefully will lead you to an even better romantic match in the years to come:
1. Let Yourself Feel It
Relationship expert, psychologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., says that of all the traumatic experiences a person can go through, getting a divorce is among the most difficult. Not only are you experiencing the great divide of your assets — from your home and your bank accounts to any investments and in some cases, children — but you are also mourning the loss of a partner. Even if your ex was unfaithful to you or in the end, turned out to be more vicious, cold, cruel or vengeful than you could have ever imagined possible; at one time in your life, you thought they were the best person on Earth and letting go of that imagine? Well, it is hard.
And depending on how much time you both spent in negotiations with your respective lawyers and how intense and heated your break-up proceedings went, you may feel exhausted by the time everything is officially signed on the dotted line. “If the couple can mediate on their own then it will still feel like a death of a relationship but without the added trauma of court. Court prolongs the pain and suffering for both parties,” Michael says.
Though leaning in to the discomfort of heartbreak is never an easy task — especially when it is not just letting go of a relationship but a marriage — allowing yourself to truly, fully experience your emotions will ensure that you are not delaying the moving on process. If you ignore those waves of anxiety and depressions, frustration and anger, and pretend like everything's just fine, then you aren’t actually learning from your divorce. If you really struggle with accepting emotions, as many men do, psychologist recommend seeking therapy post-divorce, so a professional can guide you through the tough-to-navigate land of singleness that you haven’t been part of in years, if not, decades. From talk therapy methods where you are asked questions that help you understand your feelings to discovering coping mechanisms that are personal and practical to you, a therapist can identify your road to moving on, without you having to pretend for one minute that you are perfect A-OK, when frankly, you are sad. (And hey, for good reason.)
2. Take Your Time
Want to know, to the calendar date and to the hour, when you're 100%, totally, completely ready to go on your first date post-divorce? As comforting and encouraging as that would be, the time that it takes to be ready to put yourself back into that sea of eligibility will greatly depend on how your marriage ended and how you’ve handled the time afterwards.
As psychologist and love and marriage expert, Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC explains, “The time to move on after a divorce varies from person to person. For many people, the relationship was long over before the divorce was final. For some couples, the divorce was a long and bitter process that left them in bad shape. Depending on where you stood at the end of it all can dramatically change the time you need before meeting new people again.”
No matter if your friends are elbowing you into the bar scene and trying to introduce you to single, attractive women, or your parents are worried about your happiness and just want to see you ‘settled and fulfilled’ — the only person’s opinion that matters is your own. Instead of giving into the pressures or beginning to doubt your attractiveness or date-ability, give yourself a break and take the emotions as they come. Dr. Martinez says that it is much better to wait longer than you thought you’d need before jumping right back into dating post-divorce without taking care of your mental health first and foremost. Only when you are a healed, healthy person can you truly give your best self to the next partner that you decide to take a chance on. After all, ending one relationship only to rush into another one would be a dangerous gamble, given that you haven’t stopped, inhaled and figured out what you really want, and more importantly, what you need, post-divorce.
3. Get Active
Did your father ever tell you as a young teenager when puppy love got the best of you, that the best way to move on is to meet someone else? His words of wisdom might ring loud-and-clear for you right now, but before you move on to another relationship, Dr. Martinez says focusing on other interests, especially physically-active ones, can be a smart way to release your depression and anxiety that your divorce created. When you first go through the court proceedings, the moving details and the emotional windfall, you might feel uninspired to do much of anything, so building up your stamina and your health is a smart way to get the process of moving on started.
“The physical impact of getting a divorce can often go hand-in-hand with sadness and depression. You may not be exercising, you might not be eating in a healthy manner, and you may not be taking care of yourself in the way you normally would,” she explains. “There is a part of you that thinks ‘why bother,’ but the truth of the matter is that all of these activities are only going to help you build their emotional, and physical, health, during a very trying time.”
By joining pickup basketball games or joining a recreational football team, you might also meet other male divorcees that can relate to where you are in your life and help give you advice on what has helped them to move forward. Also, as you see your body continually get stronger and build endurance, you’ll build self-confidence both in your appearance and yourself.
4. Don't Compare Yourself To Your Ex
Post-divorce, it is a good idea to remove your connections to your former partner, especially if you are tied via every social media account, giving you an hour-by-hour update to what’s they're doing and worse, who they might be seeing. Even if you mutually agreed that your marriage had an end-date, accepting that they're getting back into the dating scene and moving on faster than you can be a tough pill to swallow. that is why Dr. Martinez says to remove all temptation of keeping tabs on her and instead, focus on your own road to recovery and love, without making your ex a factor.
This is also important for another big reason: forgiveness. As Dr. Martinez says, if you are constantly in contact with her (or stalking her Instagram) then you do not allow for the space and the disconnect to process your relationship and your divorce. And without forgiving your ex (and yourself, too), you can’t be ready to truly move on in an healthy, impactful way. “You are really only ready to let go and move on when you have fully let go of the previous relationship and you harbor no resentment or ill will. When you have fully closed that chapter and are looking forward to moving on with your life, then you are ready to approach a new possible companionship,” she says.
So you might be ready to grab drinks after work with a new person, but you might not be equipped to commit right away. Dr. Martinez says this just fine — as long as you are honest with yourself and with your matches. “The most important question you should ask yourself is ‘Am I ready to date
?’ — and in what capacity,” she says. “Any stage and any answer is fine, just be honest with yourself, and with the person you are considering dating.”
Source: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-move-on-after-a-divorce.html
Life’s crossroads create opportunity for us to choose between different options, and when we see someone embracing the moment when choices are decided upon, it can be awe-inspiring. A crossroads is about change. Choices must be made — not just when things are not working out as we had planned, but also during positive moments when we must choose to continue the course or veer off into something new. When we experience an ending in a marriage, a change in careers, political upheavals, the end of childrearing, or challenges with our health, the crossroads we find ourselves facing can either inspire us to choose differently, or during these moments of change we can paralyze ourselves with fear.
Making a crossroads a moment of profound and lasting change and learning how to thrive when life’s changes descend upon us can be learned.
The key to weathering life’s crossroads:
1. Do not settle for normal. When our habitual response leads us to what is expected and customary — when we choose ordinary — we can expect the unremarkable.
2. Do not resist. Attempting to control, manipulate or force things to happen is a typical response to the fear that comes with change. Some of us will be so fearful that we refuse to make a change without understanding that even if we choose not to make a decision or take action, this in and of itself is a choice. Our learned way of coping with stress and uncertainty should be reevaluated constantly as we evolve in this world. Move with the changes instead of against them.
3. Trust your deepest feelings for guidance. We all know, deep within ourselves, what we need to do — what we know, how to think, when to trust — during times of crisis. We can learn to access and trust our innate wisdom; it is personal and always available. Through this, we will know how to adjust our course, move toward our personal destiny. When we don’t follow our inner guidance, we feel a loss of power and energy.
4. Dream bigger. Change what you expect from life and then create a plan and work to cultivate the right conditions for your growth and success.
5. Limit distractions and strive to create balance in the midst of chaos. When we let go of our own or other’s agendas and when we push away the demanding concerns of the moment, we are able to hear our own thoughts. Do less at the moments of crossroads and give yourself the gift of time — time to be in the present moment. Respect the value of being here and now. Ask yourself, “What is the one area of my life that needs more balance?”
6. Failure is just another way to start again. When we face a crossroads with fearlessness and the choice turns out to be prosperous, we are hailed as a genius or visionary. When our choice creates failure, then we are judged harshly, ridiculed and diminished, and it has the potential to make being fearless more difficult when we face the next crossroads. We must remember that failing creates not only additional opportunities for success, but fosters courage and determination in those of us who are brave enough to attempt it.
When I’m faced with fear at life’s inevitable crossroads, I have learned to “let it rip“ and charge “no holds barred“ into the abyss — if for no other reason than to see what is there. I have emerged out the other side bloody and battered at times, but I’m stronger for having risked, taken a stand, trusted and believed.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-durnell/life-choices_b_1910564.html
You just got the news that your friends, that couple you’ve known for years, are getting a divorce.
Maybe you’re surprised. Maybe you can’t believe they stuck it out this long.
No matter the circumstances, you’re wondering what happens next. What are you supposed to do? And what about the friendship? Should you try to stay close with both? Do you have to make a choice of one over the other?
You’ve never (or rarely) been through this before, and are understandably concerned. You really don’t want to do or say the wrong thing, and would feel awful about hurting anyone’s feelings.
Having split with my ex almost five years ago, I’ve endured a few uncomfortable encounters. There was nothing intentional — I’m absolutely convinced those friends (or former friends) weren’t trying to hurt me. But the fact is, they either hadn’t prepared, weren’t thinking, or couldn’t see the world from my perspective.
So, drawing on some personal experience and a couple of informed assumptions, here are six tips for still-married people who don’t want to hurt their recently divorced friends:
- Communicate with your own spouse about how you’re handling the newly-split couple. Several months after separating, I chatted with a husband at a school event. As we parted, he heartily called out, “Hey, see you at our house in a couple weeks,” referring to an annual party they threw. “No, actually you won’t,” I replied. “I wasn’t invited.” Yes, the very definition of “Awk...ward!” Whether you pick sides after a divorce or stay neutral, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page.
- If you go back to neutral after making a pick, you need to explain. There was a wife who made a point of declaring I was in and my ex was out, going into great detail about why I’d “won.” I would have understood if the couple had remained neutral, but frankly it felt pretty good. Until soon thereafter I saw that my ex was back in. What had changed? Had she pulled off a last second comeback? I don’t know, because the wife never said a word. Having been jerked around, I bailed, gladly ceding the “win” to my ex.
- It’s okay to acknowledge to the “loser” that a choice was made. I wasn’t invited to a milestone event thrown by a former couple-friend; no surprise, the friendship was really through the wives. Not long after, at another gathering, the husband approached and started to explain about their event. I cut him off almost immediately. I said it’s okay, I understand, there are no hard feelings, and I really appreciate you saying something. I’d much rather he do that than ignore me, or pretend there’d been no event. And if a “loser” spouse reacts angrily, you just proved that you made the right choice.
- Be really careful of anything involving the divorced couple’s children. An online invitation came out for an event. Among the guests, I was listed individually. And right below me was a line with my ex-wife, her new husband, and our son. Our 21-year-old son, who could have been listed individually like his contemporaries, or with me. But no, he was included with his mom and the new guy, as if he was their child, not hers and mine. Yes, it seems trivial — to a married person, whose family is intact. But to a divorced person whose family isn’t intact, it felt like a kick in the stomach.
- If one party in the divorce has been wronged, or it’s plainly obvious that there was abuse, infidelity, financial malfeasance, etc., then that wronged spouse is going to see neutrality as acceptance of the ex’s actions. And that spouse will consider any embrace of the bad actor a statement that you don’t care about the hurt he or she endured. You may think it’s not your place to judge, that you should mind your own business, and that neutrality is best for all concerned. And you’re eminently entitled to those feelings. But to the injured party, the choice of neutral equals choosing the guilty spouse, and you will either lose the relationship with the innocent one, or damage it significantly.
- If you stay social media connected with both, be aware when posting something about one. For instance, if you go out with the husband and his new girlfriend, then post a shot of the four of you, arms around each other, big smiles on your faces, in front of the hottest spot in town, captioned “Best time ever with Bob and (New Babe)! They rock!!!” then Bob’s ex is going to feel a lot like I did reading that online invite.
It’s very difficult to see your friends divorce, and then deal with the aftermath. What had been a couple is now two individuals — individuals who are in the midst of a really rotten time, whose emotions are raw, and who are easily hurt. But by taking a moment to think the situation through, by being honest, and by practicing some empathy, much of the awkwardness and unintentional pain can be avoided.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/barry-gold/6-tips-to-avoid-hurt-feelings-when-your-friends-divorce_b_8068252.html
Don't allow divorce stress to define your life.
When bad things happen, and for most, divorce is a bad thing, it can trigger a number of emotions. Depending on how you process what is happening, your happiness can return or, your emotions can get away with you and your emotional life can quickly get out of hand. If you don’t properly deal with the stress and negative emotions of divorce the consequences begin to slowly affect you in deeper ways.
You may develop trust issues that make it harder for you to develop a new love relationship. Your self-confidence can take a nose-dive and emotional stagnation can cause extreme self-sabotage.
If you follow the advice and steps listed below, not only can you survive your divorce you can also thrive afterward.
As I've said, divorce brings with it many negative emotions. Some of these emotions can cause stress that will interfere with your ability to function in your everyday life before, during and after your divorce. The biggest favor you can do yourself is to learn how to relax, let go of the stress and just let the "chips fall." Focus more on keeping yourself active, healthy and moving forward instead of staying stuck in a negative space.
All it takes is being willing to be good to yourself. Recognizing and dealing with stress is an important aspect of living a healthy productive life. Below are some suggestions for ways of handling your stress during the difficult process of divorce.
1. Make sure you pay attention to your emotional needs.
Find a support group to participate in, a therapist to talk with. A little talk therapy can go a long way when you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally.
It's important for you to take responsibility for your own emotional well-being at this time of adversity and make sure that you nurture yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.
2. Keep yourself physically fit.
Stay as active as possible by keeping a regular exercise routine. Nothing helps our emotions bounce back better than physical activity. It will help in relieving tense, anger and anxiety. Regular exercise is a great way to improve emotional well-being and elevate your mood, also.
3. Do things that will nurtue you emotionally and physically.
Read a good book, get plenty of rest, take a hot bath, develop a new hobby, eat healthy and nutritious foods, and surround yourself with positive people. Put effort into living a lifestyle that will promote feelings of good self-worth and esteem during this time of adversity.
4. Let go of problems that are beyond your control.
If you are faced with an uncomfortable or painful situation learn to let it go, take some time to figure out what is best for you and then come back to it. Stay focused on what you have control over and let go of the rest.
Refuse to engage in conflict with your ex spouse. If the two of you can't be around each other without arguing, there is no shame in walking away.
5. Give yourself permission to feel.
Emotions are normal, whether they are negative or positive emotions. What we do with the emotions we are feeling plays a big role in the quality of life we experience. Avoid destructive activities such as drinking or drugs when trying to deal with your feelings.
Don't allow your feelings to cause you to seek revenge, play the victim or become abusive toward your spouse. If you are hurt or angry, it is best to find someone safe to vent to and get those feelings out.
6. Change any expectations you have.
No one has any control over the feelings and actions of another person. We might think that during our marriage we had some control but we did not. Now that there is a divorce in process we have even less control than before.
Let go of trying to control any aspect of what your spouse may feel or what actions they will take. Let go of what you feel the outcome should be and learn to accept whatever might happen.
7. Don't make any hasty decisions.
When you are living through a highly stressful situation any decisions or changes to your life should not be made until you have thought of all the consequences.
Take time to think things through and thoroughly weigh all your options. When making decisions use logical thinking instead of emotional thinking to guide your decision making. Give yourself time and be patient with the decision-making process.
8. Be sure to make time for fun.
Remember to laugh and play. Schedule activities that bring you pleasure and participate in them regularly. Maintain a close circle of friends and socialize often.
Do not isolate yourself from others. If getting out and enjoying life means forcing yourself do to so, then so be it. You will find that once you are out and engaging in fun activities you'll not regret making yourself participate.
9. Let go and move on.
Take the time needed to heal from the divorce and those feelings of loss. Try to look inward and own your responsibility in the problems that led to divorce. Forgive yourself and your spouse and don't allow the issues from this marriage to follow you into new relationships.
Taking time to identify what caused the divorce, to change what you need to change about the way you related to your ex will only help you move on after the divorce in a more productive manner.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-for-dealing-with-divorce-stress-1102740
Learn the best ways to cope with trauma.
There's a silver lining to our day-to-day stress. It's so familiar to us—the irritation of traffic and adrenaline of deadlines—that we, hopefully, have learned how to cope. Ideally, we've got a healthy outlet, a favorite walk or a trusted friend to relieve the accumulation of life's little pressures.
But what about the really hard stuff—the realization of fears we rarely dare to voice, if at all? When the scan comes back with bad news, or a loved one suffers a devastating accident; then what? How does one cope with the kind of trauma that levels life in an instant?
According to experts in extreme stress, some strategies work much better than others. A key objective for anyone in stress is managing his or her "fight-or-flight" response—the evolutionary instinct that readies our bodies for danger with the energy and focus to battle a predator or run away. Unlike animals, whose response to danger subsides once the threat does, humans have the capacity to recall the trauma and fear for the future, says Steven Southwick, co-author of "Resilience: The Science of Mastering Life's Greatest Challenges" and professor of psychiatry, post-traumatic stress disorder and resilience at the Yale Medical School and the Yale Child Study Center. "We can keep ourselves stressed 24/7, and unfortunately stress can cause all sorts of problems," including, for example, injuring the very part of the brain that turns off the stress response, Southwick says.
According to David Spiegel, associate chair of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine and director of its Center on Stress and Health, people in extreme stress should keep these key points in mind:
1. Make a prioritized checklist of what needs to be addressed and tackle each item sequentially;
2. Don't be afraid to ask people for help;
3. Know your limits, and guard them;
4. Rest—take breaks, get lots of sleep, and "practice self-soothing";
5. Maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine.
In addition, the following strategies can provide comfort and relief:
1. Express your feelings. "Don't fight your emotions. Think of them as your friend, not your enemy," says Spiegel. There's a misconception among some that containing one's emotions contains the problem or that they "need to be strong" for their families by putting up a stoic front, Spiegel says. That not only doesn't work—it backfires. People end up "wasting energy fighting themselves," he says. Plus, releasing emotions brings people together, which is precisely what's needed in times of trauma.
2. Find social support. "People who are socially isolated have a two-fold elevation in all-cause mortality," Spiegel says, calling social isolation as much of a risk to one's health as smoking or high cholesterol. "And yet, when people get sick or in trouble, they often lose social support rather than gain it," he says. Spiegel, who runs support groups for women diagnosed with breast cancer, says such groups provide an opportunity to share experiences and advice. Everywhere else in life, that woman may feel like an outsider, the one with a "death sentence." But in the support group, "you belong."
Due to his research, Southwick has become so convinced of the power of social support that he now works with his patients to draw a diagram of their social networks, examining each individual involved to ensure that they are trusted and reliable. "Strength comes from social networks," he says. "We're all social beings.
3. Find a way to relax. Whether it's prayer, meditation or deep relaxation techniques, these acts offer a powerful antidote to stress. "You really can't be tense and relaxed at the same time. They're opposites," says Carol Goldberg, psychologist and host and producer of the New York-area TV show "Dr. Carol Goldberg and Company." She suggests, for example, visualizing a calming scene, repeating a soothing mantra or deep breathing from the diaphragm to boost oxygen supply and help rid yourself of carbon dioxide. "It's something that you always have within you. You don't have to get any equipment ... You can just close your eyes, and take some deep breaths."
4. Face your fears. "Most of us have a very difficult time doing that because it's unpleasant," Southwick says. However, "if you want to be resilient, sooner or later, you're going to have to face those things, or some of those things." In fact, "avoidance is at the heart of all anxiety disorders," he says. When veterans address post-traumatic stress disorder with a therapist, they expose themselves to theirs to try to make peace with them.
The trick is to reframe fear and face it before it devolves into a state of panic, which shuts down the part of the brain responsible for rational thinking. To conquer fear, you have to learn about it and understand it. And then, "when you do approach the fear, try to do it with someone who you really trust."
5. Find a role model. "We tend to learn through imitation," Southwick says. Look to others who successfully negotiate challenges, ask them about their coping skills, and try them out yourself. For example, if that person calls a friend during times of stress, you might consider that tactic.
For his part, Southwick has found role models in the research for his book. A young woman with spina bifida who won a gold medal for swimming in the Paralympics is one of them. She not only excelled in college, graduating with honors, but she swam an average of 26 miles a week. These days, when Southwick goes swimming, he often thinks of her as he's wrapping up his mile of laps, and says to himself: "What, are you kidding? Twenty-six miles a week ... I keep going."
Source: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2013/03/21/how-to-handle-extreme-stress
If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong
One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?
My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.
I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.
In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below.
*(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.)
While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side.
Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery
- Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone
- Don't talk about your grief/feelings
- Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power)
- Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away
- Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together
- Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry
- Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions
- Don't accept your new reality and move on
- Don't trust that things will work out
- Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors
Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery
- Ask for help & let help in
- Talk about your grief with others
- Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
- Face each obstacle as it arises
- Let others know when you're not feeling well
- Allow your feelings to come to the surface
- Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
- Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!)
- Have trust/faith that things will work out
- Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process
While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."
I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take
Whether the divorce was your idea or your spouse’s, most people find themselves experiencing negative emotions when their ex-spouse starts dating again. Does this mean you still love them? Are these feelings normal? These are common questions you may ask yourself when your ex-spouse starts dating again.
Here are six tips that will help you process those negative emotions.
Your Feelings Are Perfectly Normal
You spent a large part of your life with this person, and during the years you were together, dating and married, you came to think of that person as YOUR significant other.
You two were a couple and to see your spouse with someone else will trigger feelings in you that may be surprising and unpleasant.
It does not mean you are still in love but rather you are witnessing the evidence that your spouse now has someone else in the place you used to fill. Though you may not understand the feelings you are having, they are a natural part of moving on after a divorce. When you meet someone new, you will have a better perspective on how your ex is feeling about you and the relationship you both once had.
You Should Expect to Feel Jealous
Most people are puzzled as to why they are jealous of someone they didn’t want in their life any longer. It’s a common reaction. This was YOUR husband or YOUR wife, you expected fidelity, and now it may feel like cheating to see them with someone else.
Remember what you think and what you feel can sometimes be at odds, but it’s perfectly normal to feel some jealousy and even look for things to criticize in your ex’s new partner.
And, if you've not moved on to a new relationship of your own, your jealousy may stem from the mere fact that they have.
Remember the Reasons You Divorced
Divorce is not entered into lightly, and you probably have valid reasons for the divorce. Keeping this in mind will help you to accept the changes that have come as a result and the confusing feelings you are having over your ex dating again.
Every time you experience a negative reaction to your ex dating, stop and go through the list of reasons you are no longer married. Remembering the negative aspects of your marriage can go a long way in helping alleviate any the unpleasant idea of him/her dating again.
Move Forward in Your Life
Is it possible you are uncomfortable with the idea of your ex dating because you are stuck and unable to move forward with your life?
I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, “The best revenge is living well.” Well, it’s true! If you are feeling jealous, the last thing you want is for your ex to know. Instead of focusing on what he/she is doing, focus on living the best life you can and before you know it, you won’t be concerned with whether or not your ex is dating.
No Two Relationships Are the Same
The relationship that you had with your ex will never be reproduced with anyone else. Each relationship between two people is different, and what you had together during your marriage will never be reproduced with someone else.
The special things you had together were unique to the two of you. So, when you feel jealousy or discomfort over your ex dating, remember that no one can really take the same place in your ex’s life that you had.
So, keep in mind how unique you are and that you will also have someone new to share your life with one day.
Remember That Your Ex Deserves to Be Happy
No matter how much conflict you lived through during the divorce process, if you search your heart, you really don’t want your ex to not move forward. You also don’t want to stay stuck yourself. You really don’t want him/her to be miserable. Letting go is a process, and it may take you some time and effort to get there.
The time will come when you are happy again. More than likely, with a new partner. When that time comes you aren't going to waste time worrying about who your ex is with. Why not start not worrying about that now, instead of later?
Seeing your ex-spouse with someone else can be a shocking experience, but ultimately you will come to accept it, just as your ex will have to adjust to seeing new people in your life.
Concentrate on the good memories you had and the good times to come.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-process-emotions-when-your-ex-starts-dating-1103124
You know that moment. Some of us know it all too well during and after divorce. The moment when one of your grown children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” who is at your ex’s house. Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe while you’re struggling to make ends meet.
Ah, jealousy.
The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own divorce recovery.
You’re not alone when it comes to dealing with jealousy, especially after a divorce. And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.
Jealousy is selfish.
Have you ever known someone in your life who was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Well, jealousy is like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.
And instead of focusing on yourself, jealously is there telling you, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the amazing things they’re doing!”
What benefit is there to focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is there to thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over?
You already know the answer. Being jealous has no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?
The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.
Jealousy is also lazy.
You know what’s easier than working on yourself? Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it.
One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things beyond our control. And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spent focusing on the most important thing — YOU. It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex”, rather than focusing on your own finances and schedule, so you can plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget. It’s easier to say, “That jerk already has a new partner! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.
See what I mean? Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move on. It’s a lot easier to remain bitter over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.
But I am jealous! So what am I supposed to do?!
I know, I know… you’re human and you may be hurting, especially if your marriage lasted decades. But there’s something you can do about it.
Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.
The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.
- Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.
“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”
- Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.
“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because, financially, I feel like I cannot treat myself.”
- Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?
“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go… sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.”
How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy? And what actions can you take to overcome it?
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/divorce-recovery-dealing-with-jealousy/
My husband and I have had years to get (somewhat) comfortable with the fact our marriage is ending. It’s been a long road, and we have dealt with the denial, the hurt, the pain, and the mourning. And we did it our way and kept it between us for a really long time. And now we are living apart, and are in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with our new normal, day by day.
To people on the outside looking in, they have said they see two people who look happy and are going to be okay, but that is because we decided early on to respect the other’s privacy during our nightmare. We both had very close friends to talk to over the years, but our neighbors didn’t know. Our parents didn’t know. Our extended family didn’t know. The guy who owns the corner store didn’t know. Our kids knew something was going on — they always do — but they didn’t really know.
As hard as we tried to stuff our feelings, it was impossible. The charade was exhausting. Trying to convince the ones you love the most you are happily swimming along, when in reality you can’t even tread water, is too heavy to carry.
Since we have started talking openly about our breakup, I’ve been asked the same question by women I know, and women I don’t: “What is it like?”
Maybe what they really want to say is “Give me hope. Tell me what to do.”
Some of them mention they want to do the same thing, and they simply need to know they aren’t alone. I often think they are reaching out to someone who has been there, because they are wondering if they were to end their marriage, would they be okay? Would they make it through to the other side?
They come to me, asking for the truth, all of it. I understand — I wanted to know too. I was searching for some kind of validation. I needed to know I could rewrite my story and still stand up in my next chapter. I had to be absolutely positive my family (including my husband) would be okay if we did this for real.
I don’t know what the answers are for anyone else. Relationships are not one-size-fits-all. They bend, they wear, they rust, their shape changes. Sometimes they become more beautiful with time, and other times, they become so warped and unrecognizable, you don’t want them any more. What is enough for one couple might not work for another.
So all I can say when people say to me, “I am thinking of doing this too. We are in the same place. Are you okay?” is yes and no. We seem happy because we already put our time and misery in before we shared it with anyone. We waited until we made a final decision to talk openly about it. No one has to do it this way; this is what we chose, but it’s the end of a chapter nonetheless and the beginning of a new life. The pain ebbs and flows, and you have no choice but to feel it, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Honestly, I am living a life I never thought I’d be living, and sometimes, it can feel like I am using all my energy to climb out of hell. This usually comes two minutes after I have a moment of peaceful clarity. Your marriage ending can be an asshole like that, even if it’s what both people want. One minute, you’re feeling happy, content, and free. The next? Your heart is breaking all over again, and you can’t hold back the sobs.
What you are seeing when you look at us is the undoing of a relationship that wasn’t working. We wanted to become two people who held each other’s hands and promised we would dig deep and try our best to go our separate ways while helping the other through it. And thankfully, we are.
We still have an unbreakable partnership because we made three amazing humans together. Nothing will change that. We vowed we would make this as bearable as we could for all involved, and sometimes it comes easy, and sometimes it feels like the universe is giving us the middle finger, but we are still standing.
I have days when it feels like I am living a double life. I have moments when I wonder what the fuck we’ve done, only to walk upstairs to try to find my daughter’s shoes, catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and have a feeling of absolute confidence and certainty wash over me. And when the next blow comes, I am somehow more ready to take it because I know I’m doing what is best for me, my kids, and my ex-husband too.
I cry a lot, like the day I took off my engagement ring and wedding band. I wanted to wear them longer, but the weekend my husband moved out I developed the most painful sensation under them — something I’d never felt. I lifted up the platinum bands to see my skin literally peeling off underneath. It felt like 100 bee stings. I took them off and watched them swirl around on the vanity. I knew I’d never put those rings back on as I sat on the toilet and cried into a gray bath towel. It hurt like hell.
And then I felt good, really good, and I stared at my newly naked hand just as much as I did when the ring was slid on my finger for the first time. I held it up to the light, but instead of catching the glare from the diamond, this time it was bare, the light catching only the indentation where those rings sat for so long.
It feels like freedom and sorrow. It is freeing to let go of a relationship that is no longer serving you. You can be sorry and miss someone without wanting your old relationship back, and that is confusing as hell. You don’t believe it, until you’re living it.
Some days, I float along in a trance, trying to get through. Some days, I want to go out and conquer the world.
There are days when the sun hurts my eyes, and my marriage ending feels like wanting to curl up under a down comforter and have someone hold me. I don’t even want to talk because I can’t even get my thoughts in order. I am so unbelievably tired. I didn’t know an exhaustion like this was possible.
It feels like shame. It feels like failing. It feels unnatural.
It feels like someone is peeling back my layers. I am raw and fresh and ready to move forward, but I am more petrified than I have ever been. Then I remember I am the one doing the peeling, and suddenly I know what to do — just move forward, one step at a time. And I do.
Until I forget again. Divorce is a bitch like that.
I am a mixed bag of emotions. I want to be the best mom and tell myself I will never make any more mistakes, ever. Then I call myself out on my own bullshit and give myself a break and drop the “I need to be all the things to make up for being unable to be married to their father anymore.” I can’t carry that, and I would never want him to carry that.
One thing I’ve learned through this is that when you want to make a life-changing decision, you usually do it. You move toward it even if you are scared shitless, even on the days you question yourself.
If you are moving toward staying in your marriage, that is what you want.
If you are moving away from it, then that is what you want.
And of course, you may flip-flop between both extremes before truly figuring out your next step.
Ending your marriage is not black and white. The experience is different for everyone, but it does mean you are shedding an old version of yourself. And before you start feeling better, you will probably feel worse. You will struggle, you will second-guess, you will feel like you are broken in two and the only thing holding you together is pure grit.
But deep down, you will know. You will keep moving through the pain, peeling back the layers, heading toward your truth. No one else’s, just yours. You’ve got this.
Source: https://www.scarymommy.com/what-divorce-feels-like/
You can't take back the D-word once you say it
Marriage is hard and arguments are inevitable. A minor argument can escalate into a full-blown fight depending on the topic. Everyone has their triggers. Our partners tend to know what they are and have the ability to set us off in a way no other person can.
When you are deeply hurt or angry, you might dip deep into your arsenal to dig out that “weapon of mass destruction” to make your point, be heard or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are. This is often in the form of threatening divorce, otherwise known as the dreaded “D-word.”
According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of marriage. Many couples ebb and flow throughout their relationship but manage to hold things together. Some even stay blissfully happy while others hang on by a thread. There is, of course, everything in between these extremes. However, thinking about divorce and saying it are two very different things.
Some marriages are beyond repair and divorce is inevitable. So, in circumstances where you blurt out “divorce,” it is strongly advised that you mean it, and it’s not just an empty threat. “During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are in ‘the heat of the moment,' but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advised Dr. Karen Sherman, psychologist and author. “Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people's attachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening” she explains. Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to say something instead such as, "I'm so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like even though I'd never do it, I don't want to be with you anymore." She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.
Dr. Paul DePompo, board certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author suggests, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not being said in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table." He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises till death – to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much'.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.” He recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting “the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger.” For example, he advises saying something like, “I am hurt because I feel like you are not really listening to what I am saying, and this keeps happening, and I am starting to feel alone,” or “I am afraid that if we cannot problem solve this, we are not going to be able to have the relationship that we both desire.”
Denise Limongello, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert concurs. She says “the threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” In her opinion, the happy couples she sees “avoid using that word during arguments, as it can make it seem that divorce is a possibility.” She has some tips for what couples should do instead such as, “creating a ground-rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner.” Limongello also says, “making ground-rules, of any kind, that you can both stick to, can be useful in building trust within your relationship.” She also advises “Don’t ever threaten as research shows that this leads to heightened levels of depression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” She believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met.
“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.” ~Chris Armstrong, relationship coach
There are serious reasons that a spouse should not use the D-word during an argument according to certified relationship coach, Chris Armstrong. First and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.” He discusses how the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed. After this happens, Armstrong says “whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved.” He also believes that if you get the spouse angry enough, he or she might even “call your bluff.”
Alternatively, Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner wishing to throw out the D-word stay on track with what is really trying to be communicated. These spouses should ask themselves: Why am I talking? What is the desired outcome of putting the dreaded D-word on the table? Will it help me get to my desired outcome? Have I looked at how it will land on my spouse? He emphasizes this approach because “Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs. Otherwise stated, you are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure.”
Dr. Heather M Ehinger, a Marriage and Family therapist specializing in high conflict relationships also believes that these couples are trying to get their needs met in an ineffective way. “It feels like a way to get the other person to pay attention to how serious you are. Unfortunately, just like the story of Peter and the Wolf, all threats eventually land on deaf ears.” She advised couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is you need that you are not getting.” She goes on to say that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making them as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored. Peter found out the hard way, don’t be like Peter!””
Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/threatening-divorce-during-an-argument-4088210
8 ideas to help you shape your post-divorce life.
It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.
Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both.
But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?
Here are eight of the first steps:
1. Let yourself mourn.Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss."Whatever your marriage
and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief," says psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.
"You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for them," Falk says. "Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been desirable."
2. Work through your feelings.Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti, PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they'll pollute your life going forward," Alberti says.
If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn't mean you have a problem or that you're in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.
3. Learn to like yourself.That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.
"You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn't make this relationship work," Alberti says. "You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth."
This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or through Tip No. 4:
4. Rediscover who you used to be.Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your "couplehood."
Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.
"What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks. "Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself."
5. Discover a new side of yourself.The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.
Maybe it's as simple as a pixie haircut after a lifetime of wearing long, flowing locks. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that you'd like to move to a new city or even spend a year living in Paris.
Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).
But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make every change.
"As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate," says Alberti. "Think about who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new person? What are some of the things you can do differently?"Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on what's out of reach.
6. Dare to be alone.Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so.
Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball.
"There are more than 30 million people living alone in this country today," Falk says. "That's a lot of people, and there are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."
7. Consider transitional relationships.
This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type -- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.
"For example, maybe you've always dated people from a certain socioeconomic background," Alberti says. "Or perhaps you always preferred sensitive musicians, or athletes, or the quiet, shy type. Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit."
8. Embrace your new roles.Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK.
"If your partner was always the one responsible for the money -- earning it, managing it, investing it -- suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility," Alberti says. "Dealing with those can give you confidence in your own ability."
You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help.
"Even if you make mistakes, like paying too much for a car, you can learn from that experience," Alberti says. "Mistakes give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."
Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce#1
Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their "trial separation" when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: "How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?" And, perhaps worst of all, "What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?"
At Jim's apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose's chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. "How could you do this to me?" she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him...
Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.”
But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness.
Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.
Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope.
Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry.
Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face.
So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. “Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.”
Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger.
If You are Angry
- Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
- Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
- Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
- Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
- Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
- Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
- Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
- Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
- Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
- Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
- Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
- Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
- Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.
If your Ex is Angry
- Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
- Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
- Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
- Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
- Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
- Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
- Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
- Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
- Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
- Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.
