Staying Focussed and Dealing with Overwhelm

In this video I share my thoughts on how to deal with overwhelm and how to maintain focus when working through divorce (and in life!)


Thanks and I welcome your feedback and comments here or in YouTube!

What to Do When You Feel Lost After Divorce

Divorce is tough for many reasons. Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction. The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember:

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS. Whatever decisions we made through our marriage — whether they were personal or professional — were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us — the obstacles to our vision — are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

What’s stopping me?

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

What’s stopping me?

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities — and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks — something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/05/31/what-to-do-when-you-feel-lost-after-divorce/

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Divorcing Over 50

It’s not easy growing old, and here’s one more piece of evidence. Divorce rates in the United States are declining—except for people over 50. Twenty years ago, just one in 10 spouses who split was age 50 or older; today, according to Dr. Susan Brown, professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University and co-author of The Gray Divorce Revolution, it is one in four. “If late-life divorce were a disease,” says Jay Lebow, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, “it would be an epidemic.”

Why this surge in break-ups? As people live longer, they have more opportunities to grow—and grow apart. As the kids grow up and move out, the glue that holds many marriages together dissolves. With more women working and becoming financially independent, and some of them out-earning their spouses, there is no longer a financial imperative to stay together. And with societal mores changing, there’s less stigma to ending a marriage and living as a single.

The Financial Fall-out of Divorcing After 50

Divorce at this age can be financially devastating. The cost of living is considerably more when you’re single rather than when two of you share expenses, 40% to 50% higher than for couples on a per person basis, according to the American Academy of Actuaries. More worrisome, a mid- to later-life split can shatter retirement plans. There’s less time to recoup losses, pay off debt, and weather stock market gyrations. In addition, you may be approaching the end of your peak earning years, so there’s less of a chance of making up financial shortfalls with a steady salary.

These concerns are magnified for women. After a divorce, household income drops by about 25% for men and more than 40% for women, according to U.S. government statistics. What's more, as women’s life expectancy climbs into the 80s, a divorced woman can find herself living a lot longer with a lot less.

Ten Common Divorce Mistakes

Divorce proceedings can pull the plug on your retirement dreams: legal fees, therapist bills and single-handedly shouldering bills you once shared can drain your savings. You can protect your financial future by avoiding these seven all-too-common mistakes:

1. Failing to create an inventory of assets. Often one partner has a better understanding of the couple's finances than the other. This person likely has a solid idea of how much money their investment accounts hold, the value of their assets and how much cash is in their savings accounts, while the other partner isn't as up to speed. If you're the latter person, you'll want to take an inventory of all the assets before attempting to split them up. In addition to knowing what's in your bank accounts, you should also track your retirement accounts and life insurance policies.

2. Holding onto the house. If you end up with the family home, think long and hard about whether to keep it. It may be your refuge, and not moving might seem less disruptive for any children still living at home, but it can also be a money pit, especially with only one person paying for the upkeep, property taxes and emergency repairs. Before deciding to stay, figure out if you can afford the mortgage, as well as the costs associated with maintaining the property. Also keep in mind that property values fluctuate, so don’t assume you can sell your house for the amount you need if money becomes an issue. (For related reading, see: Divorce and Mortgage Payments: What You Need to Know.)

3. Not knowing what you owe. Promising “to have and to hold” can bounce back to bite you. In the nine states with community property laws—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin—you’ll be held responsible for half of your spouse’s debt even if the debt isn’t in your name. Even in non–community-property states, you may be liable for jointly held credit cards or loans. Get a full credit report for both you and your spouse, so there are no surprises about who owes what.

4. Ignoring tax consequences. Just about every financial decision you make during a divorce comes with a tax bill. Should you take monthly alimony or a lump sum payment? Is it better to have the brokerage account or the retirement plan? Keep the house or sell it? And who should pay the mortgage until it sells? You may be excited to know your soon-to-be-ex will be handing over an investment account with gains of $100,000, but that portfolio comes with a tax hit, lowering the amount you'll receive. Even providing child support can have tax implications, so consult an accountant or tax advisor to determine what makes the most sense for your situation before divvying up assets. (For related reading, see: 7 Divorce Tax Traps.)

5. Forgetting about health insurance. If you’ve been covered by your spouse’s policy, you may be in for a nasty—and expensive—surprise, especially if you divorce before Medicare kicks in at age 65. Basically, there are three options: You can be covered through your own employer; you can sign up for your state’s health care exchange under the Affordable Care Act; or you can continue to use your ex's existing coverage through COBRA for up to 36 months, but the cost is likely to be substantially more than it was before the divorce. If new, separate health insurance policies threaten to break the bank, you may want to consider a legal separation so you can keep your ex’s health insurance but separate your other assets.

6. Rolling over your ex’s retirement account into an IRA. IRA laws trump the financial exigencies of divorce: If you fund your own IRA with your share of your ex’s retirement account and tap it before age 59.5, you’ll still be hit with the standard 10% early withdrawal penalty. One solution: Protect the assets in your divorce settlement through a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO), which allows you to make a one-time withdrawal from your ex’s 401(k) or 403(b) without paying the normal 10% tax, even if you’re under age 59.5.

7. Supporting your adult children. No matter how much you’d like to help your kids, your first priority is to ensure you have a healthy retirement income.

8. Hiding assets from your spouse. In divorces where a lot of money is at stake, you may be tempted to try to hide assets so it looks like you have less money to contribute. Doing this is not only shady, it's illegal and could set you up for more legal fees and court time if the assets are found. Some of the repercussions for hiding assets from your spouse include a settlement that will give your spouse additional assets, a contempt of court ruling, or fraud or perjury charges.

9. Underestimating your expenses. When the income that once covered one set of household expenses is suddenly divided in two, you may have to make some changes to your spending to afford your daily and monthly expenses. Take a realistic look at how much money you'll need to live on and make sure you can cover all of your expenses after the divorce without relying on your ex.

10. Thinking your divorce advisors are your friends. What you pay your divorce advisors comes out of the settlement you get. Keep track of how much they are spending on your behalf. Remember that your lawyer is not a generous confidante whom you can thank with a cup of coffee, but a paid professional who is billing you by the hour.

The Bottom Line

Divorce can be devastating at any age, but with careful planning and by avoiding these all-too-common mistakes, you can save yourself from financial heartbreak in the future. (For more, watch: Getting Divorced? Here's the Financial Info You Need.)

Source: https://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/mistakes-avoid-when-divorcing-over-50/

Seek out Help, don't go it alone

"An arch consists of two weaknesses which, leaning on each other, become a strength." - Leonardo DaVinci
We all need help from time to time, especially when working through times of challenge and difficulty such as divorce or any other hardship. There should be no shame, embarrassment or pride that prevents us from seeking help, learning and inspiration from those who've been through similar challenges to us and who can help us to understand how they made it through.
"You have two hands, one to help others, the other to help yourself" - Anon There will always be those who are a few steps ahead of us and those a few steps behind. What's important is to help those we can help and to seek help from those who can help us.

Recognise where you need help in life and then seek it out; there is great power in doing so!

Know your "Why" and live with purpose

"He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." 

- Victor Frankl


In this video I discuss how living with clarity over why you are doing what you are doing and aspiring to what you are aspiring to, can help you to deal with and accept the sometimes challenging "how" when we have to do difficult things to achieve them. 


The video is inspired by the quote from Victor Frankl who survived second world war concentration camps to live an inspirational life. His book, (linked below) is a must read for all seeking insight in how to live life when faced with adversity and challenge.


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