MY husband and I started talking divorce at my friend Sara’s wedding. It was May in the Hamptons. Standing before the crashing Atlantic in her strapless gown, my friend looked vulnerable yet serene, as if she knew this man would always hold back the tide. Sara’s bridegroom read his vows, shivering a little as he promised to always listen, to make her goals his goals, to constantly improve his mind to remain interesting to her.
I sat on a folding chair, huddled under my husband’s suit jacket, looking from the marrying couple to the man I had married. We didn’t write our own vows, but if we had, my husband wouldn’t have made those promises. I wasn’t really comparing my marriage to my friends’ wedding. A wedding is the cherry atop the dreamy early days. Marriage combined with work and parenthood can be a romance-eroding machine, especially if you have a rambunctious toddler who climbs every refrigerator, parking meter and child-safety gate he sees. I was comparing the gap between what my husband and I want from marriage and the compatibility of my friends’ expectations. Because having a shared vision for marriage does matter. After the ceremony, I slumped against one of the dunes along the shore. My husband sat down next to me. “You know,” I said, kicking off my sandals and staring toward the distant sun. “What are we doing? Why are we still doing this?” He gazed toward the water. He wasn’t expecting me to suggest divorce during our romantic wedding weekend, but he wasn’t shocked, either. We had been discussing our incompatibilities for years. We met at a book party in 2000 and were immediately attracted to each other and to certain aspects of each other’s personality. But while I yearn for a deeply united, soul-mate-style connection, he wants something looser, more independent, less enmeshed. This difference created friction almost immediately; still, we wanted our romance to last. We took a Calvinist approach to our union, as if “hard work” could yield a better match. Or he did. I was probably channeling the sculptor Rodin. As if by constantly chipping away at each other, we would reveal an edifice of perfect love. Other times, I felt we were erecting a scaffolding of a life — beautiful home, nice parties — and hoping the snug interior would fill itself in. My husband is a good person: hard-working, committed to social justice. But I’ve come to a startling truth about myself: I might be happier with a less ambitious partner, someone less focused on his career and curing the ills of the world and more focused on me, actually, and the piddling details of our family life. We rose from the sand and shuffled to the reception. The next day, driving around the North Fork, my husband said: “I met a guy last night with a great custody arrangement. He takes his daughter to school and plays with her afterward until the mom gets home. It made me feel hopeful.” I looked at him, driving responsibly, hands at 10 and 2, as always. I felt hopeful, too. I want my husband in my life, and certainly in our son’s. But I did not see why this meant we had to remain married. I’ve always had an optimistic view of divorce. My parents divorced amicably when I was 5, and I remained close to both. My father now lives jovially with his third ex-wife, who has become his roommate. My sister recently completed her second divorce and seems happier than ever. I know this may sound as if my family doesn’t respect marriage, but we care about it deeply: we keep breaking up mediocre ones in pursuit of a better match. My mother and stepfather just divorced after 35 years. While not my mother’s choice, even this painful split has an upside. My mother and father, simultaneously single for the first time since 1972, began e-mailing each other. There was talk of taking a family vacation: my mother, father, sister and me, and all our kids. The last time we took a family vacation I was 4, and I was thrilled about this proposed reunion. In November, when my husband and I finally announced our decision to split, I assumed my friends would bring Champagne and chocolates. “Finally,” they would say to themselves. “They’ve been frustrated for years.” Instead, I got pushback. “Are you sure you want to do this?” a friend asked. “Maybe you’re just unhappy in your career.” A therapist friend said, “I have a number of attractive friends your age who are single and have been unable to meet someone new.” “This may be the last party you two throw,” a friend sniffled at what was, in fact, the last party we threw. Why were my friends so reluctant to let my marriage go? Because they like my husband and care about me. But also because not many people in our circle are divorced. In fact, I live among one of the nation’s least-divorcing demographics: for educated couples in the Northeast who married after age 35, the divorce rate is often cited at around 7 percent. And even though divorce has changed in the last 20 years — improved, as has so much in our private lives — negative assumptions persist. Of course, there are vicious divorces. It’s hard to dismantle a shared life. Fear and anxiety can exacerbate anger, especially if guilt or shame clouds your thinking. Also, now that you’re cutting free, those irritating habits you’ve been ignoring can rear up with years of accumulated frustration. It takes real work to hold the nuances in your head, to remain kind and considerate, to remember why you married in the first place and still push forward to separate. As a culture, we understand that a good marriage takes work. Why not work equally hard to have a good divorce? To paraphrase the 17th-century poet John Milton in his treatise supporting divorce, a key purpose of marriage is joyful companionship; a fraught union violates the point. The negative feedback began to unnerve me. Were they right? Was I being overly optimistic, trading a subpar match for no one? Would I end up alone, snuggling up with my parti poodle, Paco? My soon-to-be-ex turned out to be one of the few people who shared my vision of a better, more connected future — with different partners. “If we get divorced, it’s going to be awful for two years,” he said. “Better to get those two years out of the way sooner rather than later.” This coolheaded stoicism, often squelching in marriage, felt reassuring and uplifting when contemplating divorce. He wanted us to focus on the good parts of our marriage and consider it a success that had run its term. “No one else seems to see it that way,” I said. “This is really between you and me,” my future ex insisted. “It’s not really their business.” I’ve longed for that us-against-the-world unity for years. In our separation, he is finally expressing it. In January, we sat on the squashy couch under our front window, legs tucked under a soft orange blanket from our former country house, and reaffirmed our commitment to split, at least on a trial basis. We refined the details — who would watch our son when, how we would talk about it at parties. While we never saw marriage the same way, we have nearly identical views of a positive, empowering divorce. Gazing at my future ex, I thought: I’m going to wind up loving him more during our divorce. He moved to an apartment around the corner in March, and many of my longstanding frustrations disappeared. I need a lot less from a future ex, and he is far more able to give it. If he is not going to be my husband, he is not “required” (by me) to pay attention to every single thing I say. If he is just a friend, who cares that he won’t try Zumba? PEOPLE insist it will get harder, that we’re still in the “honeymoon” stage of separation. Certainly other partners and new priorities will complicate things. Still, I’m committed to upholding my end of our ideal divorce. Meanwhile, my own long-divorced parents have started spending time together. They went to Mexico for a week. We have taken three family trips. They disagree on politics and how to be a grandparent, but they’re careful of each other’s foibles, solicitous. Their gentleness is a model of how I would like to be in my next relationship, which I hope is a marriage that lasts forever. But if it doesn’t, that’s O.K. I think we need more flexibility in our view of intimate relationships. You might be married and live in separate apartments. You might be divorced and never speak again. Or you might be divorced and civil. Be divorced and remain friends. Be divorced and discover a new closeness in 30 years. Now that my parents have reconnected, my vision of the Good Divorce extends “till death do us part.” I’m optimistic about my future with my future ex. Divorce, I now think, is no more fixed a state than marriage. Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/03/fashion/happily-ever-after-divorce.html
“The sooner you say ‘Yes, it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it,’ the sooner you can get on with your own life.” — E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News
We all accept, in principal, that life is hard and that “sh*t happens.” We just don’t want it to happen to us. When it does, we protest indignantly, “Why me?!” We harbor an unexamined presumption that misfortune should somehow bypass us. We should be encased in our own individualized iron domes to deflect incoming life assaults. But why the heck not us? We all agree, in the abstract, that a life devoid of struggle is a life devoid of growth. An old Arabian proverb states: “All sunshine makes the desert.” Think of the people you respect and admire the most in your life: Haven’t they had tough times and life blows to overcome? The question is not how to avoid life assaults but how to receive them when they hit. The answer lies in how we choose to think about these hardships, because how we think about life events determines how we feel about them, which, in turn, determines how adaptively we cope with them. Only in this way can we control the impact of life’s uncontrollable assaults. Can we accept life’s upheavals and soldier through them (which is not to say to masochistically welcome them!), or must we expend precious energies protesting them as unfair? One of my dear friends, a source of constant inspiration to me, suffered three profound losses in a single year: her son who was in a grisly factory accident, her beloved dog who was hit by a car, and her husband who dropped dead of a heart attack. She was remarkably courageous in the way she accepted these losses. She was, of course, beset by shocked grief at first, but then proceeded to mourn and honor their lost lives without bitter protest. With gratitude, she spoke of the happiness they each brought into her life; with tender amusement, she recalled their idiosyncrasies. And with robust open-heartedness, she goes on growing and living her life. In contrast, a patient whom I’ll call “Ellen,” was pathologically locked for two years in mourning the death of her husband. Daily, she railed against God for robbing her of his companionship. She grew embittered and calcified, refusing to grow into the hole he left behind by doing for herself what her husband had always done, e.g., arranging their social life, paying bills, servicing the car. She had seized up like a rusted hinge, immovable in her refusal to accept and adapt to her life’s upheaval. What emerged was that even more powerful than her grief in losing her husband was her fear of having to learn self-reliance after decades of living life as a “we” instead of a “me.” Her pathological mourning and helplessness kept other family members fulfilling the role vacated by her husband — but at the cost of her own growth and her family’s equanimity. Paradoxically, there is strength and wisdom in submitting to harsh realities. The fact is, we are more productive when we direct all our energies to embracing rather than resisting “what is.” Why? Because when we protest, we squander precious energy needed for coping, like driving with one foot on the brake. When we relax, release and open fully to the realities confronting us, we can be far more creatively resourceful than when we recoil from “what is” with clenched fearfulness. We can choose to think flexibly and adaptively, rather than rigidly and maladaptively, by redefining painful life blows as opportunities to evolve. Suffering is what grows the soul. Suffering is the “rock-tumbler” of life, within which the nuggets of our battered selves get polished into our highest and best selves. “A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships. The gem cannot be polished without friction.” — Danish proverb Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-rasmussen/overcoming-hardship_b_2294349.html
In times of challenge it feels like the world is conspiring against us. Every incident, event and encounter feels like another blow sent to knock us off track. There are the things that need to be resolved with our ex and the inevitable arguments to weather. Simply keeping our day-to-day life on track can feel like more than we can possibly deal with.
It’s tempting to give up. It feels like the world is conspiring against us. We risk becoming defined as a victim of circumstance, constantly dealing with hardship and someone who just can’t get a break.
What may just help if you feel like this, is that I’ve grown to realise is this is simply a reflection of life for EVERYONE. We often choose only to see the positives in the lives of others and compare those to the negatives in our own.
The scale of the challenges and the source of the difficulties may be different, but we all go through times of challenge and hardship. It’s the nature of life.
Whether it’s financial troubles, illness, bereavement, injury, falling victim to crime or facing prejudice, EVERYONE will at times encounter the obstacles that seem to block them on the path they thought was theirs for life.
We can choose to view these disruptions as blockers to our path, and keep fighting to get back on what we believe is the track we should be on, or we can accept them as the prompts for learning and growth, as part of the journey.
Maybe an illness isn’t just our health and vitality letting us down, but instead a timely warning to consider whether our lifestyle, habits, stress-levels and priorities are in balance.
Perhaps financial difficulties aren’t just a hardship to be accepted, but instead a prompt to evaluate our spending and our attitude to money and risk.
A strained friendship may not just be the result of a difference of opinion but instead an indicator that you’ve merely drifted apart, your outlooks and needs have changed and the friendship doesn’t serve either of you anymore.
Things change, life changes, the path changes.
In divorce, disruptions arise which you can view as blockers to your path, or alternatively as opportunities to learn, grow and progress.
The failure of your relationship may be a relief, or it may be devastating. Rather than it being cause for feelings of resentment or yearning, perhaps it’s a chance to evaluate whether your ex truly met your needs, nurtured and loved you as you needed, and whether that relationship was giving you what you wanted and deserved.
If you had become needy and dependent, or controlled and manipulated then maybe this is your prompt to rediscover yourself, prioritise your own needs and recapture independence.
Being separated from your kids, or losing out on custody may feel like the cruellest outcome in the process. You can suffer and protest about this to all who will listen, regretting that you’ll never be able to give your kids a ‘conventional’ upbringing. Alternatively, you can make the choice to consciously and deliberately parent your kids to the best of your ability when you have them. You can choose to be the role-model you want to be and still strive to be a powerful and positive force and influence in their life. You just have to be creative about how you do it.
Everyone experiences hard-times in life. I believe that these events are life teaching us the skills and lessons we need to grow, learn and to live the best life we can possibly live.
While it can be hard to rise-above the immediate obstacle and see them as anything more than problems, I can guarantee that you will look back in years to come and see how much they taught you and how far you’ve come.
Sometimes we’ll be enjoying a period of life where everything is going smoothly, things are on track, we’re rebuilding our lives and things seem to be working in our favour. It’s really important when this is the case, to ride the crest of the wave, to enjoy it, to celebrate it and certainly not to anticipate or fear its end.
Sooner or later though, something will happen that seems to be sent to test us, to change our fortunes and to upset our progress.
Whether this comes in the form of financial hardship, an unpleasant argument, an unexpected difficulty at work or a challenge in the lives of our kids, there are always those things that strike when we least expect or want them to; when is there ever a good time?
I recently had just such an experience. I’ve been enjoying a few months where it felt like everything was running smoothly, like life was on track and all the moving parts (work, family, kids and so-on) were working together in harmony to give me a feeling of great happiness, stability and comfort.
The upset came in the form of a conversation with my 14-year-old daughter, in the car, late on a Sunday evening (like so many challenges, it seemed to come at night!). In this heartfelt conversation she revealed some ongoing dissatisfactions with life and some perceived-hardships of hers that she felt as a child of a divorced relationship, that I didn’t understand or sympathise to.
There was of course a much wider context to this, but the key point is that while I felt everyone was happy and contented in life, she clearly wasn’t in the same place.
At the time I was shocked that I could be so out-of-touch with my daughter’s feelings and hurt by the many ways in which she felt let-down by me. I felt angry at myself for this failing, and of course it prompted me to consider whether this was really just the tip of an iceberg of greater dissatisfaction in my family and my life. She cried (a rare thing for her, usually the most emotionally-reserved of my kids) and I’ll admit that I did too.
With a few days having passed since, I’m confident that the concerns she vented can be resolved; I’ve already taken a few steps to address these and to ensure that she appreciates that her happiness is an integral part of my own happiness. It doesn’t mean we’re “out of the woods” as yet, but I know we’ll do what we can and sooner or later life will have moved on again with things on an even keel.
The reason I share this now, is that it was a timely reminder of a key aspect of life that I know that I’m prone to forget;
Life is a process of constant and ongoing change.
Just when we think we’ve got the measure of it, when we have everything as we want it and we think we can finally rest and enjoy the fruits of our labours, then something else will come along to blindside us, requiring new action to be taken.
The cynical reaction is to be angered or saddened by this, to resist it, to never take risks or seek out improvement in our lives out of fear for what could go wrong, or in a misguided bid to protect what we have. An alternative reaction, and the one that I'm constantly reminding myself to take, is that when challenges come up, they must be treated as opportunities for learning and growth. They are life’s way of ensuring that we appreciate all we have that is stable and reliable, and that we seek to change and grow through the things that aren’t as we need or deserve them to be.
There can be few times as personally challenging as working through a divorce, and when we enjoy a rare spell of calm and peace, or when we eventually think that much of the work is done and behind us, it’s really important to enjoy this fact and the associated feelings of contentment. At some point, something may come along to upset this, whether it’s an argument with our ex, a financial, legal or custody challenge, or a reminder of the hurt and pain that causes our mood to slip and our emotional resilience to suffer. When this happens, there can be a tendency to think this is the end of the good-times, that it signals an overall change of fortune or that our life has taken a step back.
What I hope you can remember, and what I had to remind myself of as I reflected on my daughter sobbing and relaying her sadness and dissatisfactions that evening, is that when such things come up, it’s an opportunity to learn, grow and change as you address the issue.
Don’t resist it, but instead try and embrace it.
Don’t let yourself believe that it is a signal of your world crumbling to dust.
It’s a chance to do what needs to be done, to tackle the things that need to change and to bring about the life that we want to create for us and for those we love.
It isn’t always easy, it won’t necessarily be quick, but it is the right thing and it’s what our life needs; it’s what WE need. It’s an inherent part of the journey of thriving and not just surviving through life.
"The Universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it"
- Marcus Aurelius
When things are on a smooth path in life, it can feel great, but then something will come from left-field to change that. How we react to things, tests, challenges and perceived hardships can determine how we tackle the problem and ultimately how well we come out of the other side.
Once you have got past your initial reaction, remember that you're going to get through it and come out of the other side, ultimately for the better.
"Your life doesn't get better by chance, it gets better by change"
- Jim Rohn
Life throws many curve balls our way—it could be said that when one person goes to bed heartbroken, another could wake up finding true love. It’s a never-ending cycle of disappointments and achievements, but although we might presume that each of us are capable of getting back up every time life kicks us to the ground, that is far from reality. Sometimes it really hurts being in a situation you have no control of, and making decisions that seem completely unfair to you will definitely find their way into your life. Regardless of the tough issues you may face, it’s getting back up and moving forward that counts the most when you need to deal with hardship. This is a list of 5 things I’ve tried in my own life just to help me believe in a brighter future and get past a tough situation. 1. Reflect On the Bad Times in Your Life This may sound like a bad idea, but it does serve a purpose: you may feel depressed when thinking about past sorrows, but the idea behind reflecting on past hardship isn’t to run you down; it’s to prove to yourself that you have gotten past them. Usually we’re afraid that a tough time will break us, but when you think about the countless times you’ve actually gotten past what you thought was the worst experience in your life only proves that you’ve gotten stronger. Allow those victories to be an opportunity for you to see beyond the baggage in front of you.
2. Write or Talk About How You Feel I’ll be honest: keeping my feelings to myself used to plague me and made me feel alone, but when I found someone who actually genuinely cared about me, it became natural to share how I felt with her and that contributed immensely to my ability to overcome troublesome situations. Not only did I speak to her about how I felt, I also decided to blog about it, and though talking to strangers about your issues may seem crazy, it actually isn’t. In fact, it’s what therapists regard as their bread-winning strategy; the ability to be neutral and use their lack of a personal relationship with you as a means of helping you. It doesn’t matter if you want to talk, sing, or write about how you feel, just get it off your chest and the weight on your shoulders won’t seem so crippling. 3. Detach Yourself From the Situation It can be overwhelming when you’re in the middle of a heated argument or office politics, and there’s no way you’ll be able to make a rational decision when caught in the midst of a fire. They say that running away from your problems will never help, and though that’s partially true, it doesn’t mean that you need to submerge yourself so deeply into a situation that you run out of air to breathe and lose the ability to weigh the pros and cons of your choices. That happens more than we like to admit, which is why its important to detach yourself from a situation long enough to think clearly without having people hanging over your shoulders. This helps because you finally have a break to think things through and in cases like this, a lot of thought is needed. 4. Remind Yourself That You’re Not Alone It’s easy to curl up into a ball and feel like your world is closing in from loneliness, and it’s so hard to remember that there is definitely someone out there who loves you. I know for a fact that we Lifehack readers are tough folks, and the fact that you’re here means that you have the strength to realize that help is but a URL away. Regardless of who or what you depend on, you need to remind yourself that you are not alone; you have people who do care. Even if it’s just one person, that’s enough to give you reason to remind yourself that you will never truly be alone. Sometimes it’s strangers who may share the same feelings as you do. Think about it—you may not know any of these readers personally but they could be in the exact same situation as you, so in fact, no one is truly alone. 5. Accept the Results and Get Back Up Again, Only Stronger Finally, it’s time to come to terms with what has happened. Regardless of whether the results of your choices proved to be helpful or not, it’s time for you to accept them and get back up. This time you have a new experience to add to your book of life so the next time something tries to knock you down, it won’t be easy because you will be strong and determined to push forward. Life will go on, time will never stand still, and it rests upon you to make the right decision of moving forward. Don’t dwell on “what could be” or “what if” circumstances; things are done, and it’s time for you to see that you may have a new battle scar, but you will certainly have gained a whole lot more character. Source: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/deal-with-hardship-and-pain.html
Every now and then life throws us in the deep end and tells us to swim. We find ourselves in overwhelming situations that we don’t know how to deal with. It might be the death of a loved one, a personal illness or a case of serious depression. In this post I want to give you a few ways to deal with the pain and hardships that you will encounter in your life. I hope it will inspire you just a little bit. The inevitability of hardships The first thing I want to talk about is the fact that pain and hardships are inevitable. No one can escape them. Every single one of us, at some point in our life, will experience pain, suffering and hardships of some form or another.
My goal in saying this is not to depress you. Rather my goal is to inspire you. How is this inspiring you might ask? Well it is simple. Being aware of the fact that you WILL experience suffering is a cause for hope because, unlike many other people, you now have a chance to prepare for it. And people who prepare are never as badly affected as those who don’t.
Suffering, pain and hardships are inevitable. Make sure your preparation for them is also just as inevitable. This is the most important step. How to deal with pain and hardships in your life
The tips that I am about to give you come from two places, my own personal experience and the experiences of history’s greatest meditation masters. Sometimes it is better to hear some pithy and real tips as opposed to some dry and theoretical ones. I will try, therefore, to keep these as practical as possible.
If you have any other tips to add please leave a comment. The comments are often the best part of this blog and I know that they help a lot of people out there.
Realize that it is your hardships that make you better Picture this. You are in the center of the Indian desert. You are just out of high school; young, naive and egotistical. You are on a bit of a spiritual journey but at the same time looking for adventure. And then after just arriving in a place miles from anywhere you wake up in the middle of the night vomiting, convulsing and shaking. You are days from a hospital and you are really sick. Things start to look bleak. That is the situation I found myself in on my first trip to India. I had eaten some poisonous food and for the next three days I lay in bed sick as a dog. It didn’t matter what I did, nothing seemed to help. I started to get quite frightened as I knew I was too sick to travel and there were no doctors around. But then something amazing happened, I was paid a visit by a very lovely Tibetan Lama. He came into my room and said one thing and one thing only. I have never ever forgotten it as it had such a profound impact on my life. He said:
“I am not interested in how much money you have or what family you belong to. I am interested in how you deal with hardships. That is the only thing that matters. That defines your future.” It is the truest thing anyone has ever said to me about suffering and hardships. It is the hardships that define your character. Everyone is charming and lovely when the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming but hardly anyone is compassionate, patient and loving when they are sick, ill or under pressure. How you deal with hardships determines your character. If you want to learn to deal with pain and hardship you need to realize that you have an amazing opportunity to grow as a person. You can prove to yourself that you are strong. You can show yourself that you have strength of character and will-power. The amazing thing about hardships and pain is that they present you with a rare opportunity to grow into a strong and decent human being. Realize that pain and hardships won’t last There is a great truth in this universe that applies to everything. There is no corner of the world that it does not touch, no depth of the ocean that it does not find, no planet in space that it cannot reach. That truth applies to everyone and everything. That truth is impermanence. Nothing lasts. We have heard it all before. What goes up must come down. What comes together must eventually part. What is composite will soon break. What is accumulated will one day be dispersed. Everything in our universe is impermanent. Nothing can escape it.
As depressing as this sounds it also has an upside. The next time you are going through some pain or hardships you can remind yourself that it won’t last. You can look at everything in history and feel secure in knowing that, no matter how bad things seem now, the problems won’t last forever. What a wonderful thing! Like all things, suffering is also impermanent.
Realize that you are not alone There is something very powerful about knowing that other people are going through what you are going through. Realizing that you are not alone is an extremely good way to deal with pain and hardships.
Let’s take the example of someone with severe depression. Depression can make you feel pretty alone. In fact, 90% of the time depression makes you feel so isolated and self-orientated that you don’t have a thought about other people for long stretches of time. I was a bit like this in my teen years.
But when you open up to the fact that you are not alone you get a boost of some really powerfulstrength. You get a sense of community, of friendship, of companionship – even if you haven’t met anyone else with the condition. Just knowing that there are other people out there like you can really make you feel good.
The next step in this idea is to realize that thousands of other people have gone through what you are going through and come out the other end. They have made it through and won. They haven’t died, lost hope or given up. They have faced the very same thing as you (whatever it is) and they have come out the other end. Never forget this.
Here's how not to blow your chances of getting things back on track
Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants to leave you. (By the way, it’s never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save the marriage … even therapy. However, what if it your spouse says “I’m done?”
As the saying goes – it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing. Top 10 Things You SHOULD NOT Do If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:
Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
Do not say "I Love You." Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or "pushy."
Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!
Here Are the Top 10 Things You SHOULD DO If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:
Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful. Muster up the best attitude you can.
Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
Do allow your spouse come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
Do not engage in arguments. Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this. You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation...then do it!)
Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor (with experience with couples). Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.
It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.
Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent with these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place. What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing from your spouse?
It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. You need to essentially change first. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.
Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain. Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/help-spouse-asked-for-a-divorce-4047516
While others are baking Christmas cookies and scaling their roofs to hang up sparkling lights, you might not be feeling as sweet and sparkly about the holidays. All of the cheer and merriment of the holidays can shine a bright light on whatever issue you might be facing—a loss of a loved one, the loss of a pet, a year that didn’t go as planned, a relationship ending, or a personal challenge—and you’d rather stay under the covers and wake up when it’s January. It’s tough to be down in the dumps or going through a tough time when everything around you is turning into a Hallmark card and everyone is so darn happy. Going into hibernation til January isn’t practical (or healthy), so I put together a game plan for you to help you through December. And maybe, just maybe, you might enjoy it a little bit too. 1.Pay tribute. If you are experiencing a loss that has you feeling empty and sad, use your emotions to pay tribute. If you lost a family member this year, you can do this by working on a photo album, writing a personal tribute you can share with other family members, or sharing stories and memories of the person you lost. If your loss is a relationship ending (divorce or a break-up) try to switch the focus and pay tribute to your own life. In what ways have you been neglecting yourself? What are some things you could do for just you that would restore your spirit? If it’s a beloved family pet that you lost, pay tribute and donate some of your time to the local animal shelter or create a positive memory by framing a picture of your cherished pet. Rather than dwelling in a place of loss, take some small steps that create a feeling of comfort in you. 2. There you are again gratitude. Whether times are great or times are tough, gratitude is the number one instant mood lifter. Take the time out to notice what’s going right. Even if you are going through a difficult personal challenge, there is always something to be grateful for in your life. Think of three things when you wake up in the morning or make a list of all the things you are grateful for when your day ends. You will be reminding yourself to pay attention to and spend some time with the positive. 3. Scan for the things you like.
Maybe you aren’t going through a loss or a specific problem right now, you just don’t like the holidays because you don’t like where your life is at right now. You aren’t quite ready to put a big Christmas bow around your life yet. Remember, your life doesn’t have to be perfect for you to enjoy it. If you feel like your life is a work in progress, put yourself on a mission to scan for what you do like about the holidays. You don’t have to put your happiness on hold just because you have some personal goals still in progress. 4. Invest in your relationships. When you are faced with an obstacle, it’s your support system that matters most. Lean on family and friends. Reach out. Talk to them. Our relationships make us feel like we are all in this together. Your relationships contribute greatly to your overall well-being. Don’t go solo, let others lift you up. Even better? Grab a friend and take a walk or go to a group fitness class. Moving your body and connecting with friends are two ways to greatly enhance your overall well-being. 5. Do something kind for someone else. The best way to get out of your own head—especially when it’s a painful or sorrowful place to be—is to redirect your focus to someone else. Giving back to someone else is not only kind, it’s the best way to feel better about yourself. 6. Be open to new traditions. If people or circumstances in your life have changed to where you can’t have the same holiday that you like to have, simply start new traditions. It might be hard to do things differently if you liked how things used to be, but you have the power to create new traditions for your family to cherish. Start with these questions: 1. What do you want your holiday to be like this year? 2. How can you make that happen? 7. Flood your brain with funny. Don’t you just love the feeling of laughing so hard you get tears in your eyes? Tune in to the latest episode of Jimmy Kimmel, sit down with your super hilarious friend, or dig out Chevy Chase’s Christmas vacation from the movie archives. Whatever makes you laugh, immerse yourself in it for a little levity and an escape from what’s weighing you down. Laughter really is the best medicine. December might be painful for you because of what you are going through, but you can make it better with lots of self-compassion and kindness. Even during hard times, you have a choice about what you think and what you feel I hope you even discover some magical moments of joy this holiday season. Source: https://gethealthyu.com/7-ways-get-holidays-hard-times/
It can be difficult to let go of certain things or to let go of certain individuals in your life. Our minds are funny that way.
Although we understand that, in theory, we have control over ourselves, our minds, our thoughts, etc., in practice, taking and exercising control proves much more difficult.
Sometimes it's a matter of quieting the mind enough to navigate through all the thoughts running loose, bouncing off each other, making clear focus and full control unlikely.
Sometimes it's about giving ourselves time to re-navigate our course in life and restructure our lifestyle – often it's the habits we're accustomed to that make change so incredibly difficult to achieve.
Other times still, what we're trying to let go of and forget has influenced our lives and the people we are today so greatly that letting go seems basically impossible.
The truth is, there are things in our lives we can't easily let go of. There are things and individuals we won't ever forget, nor – to be honest – should we forget.
Most importantly, you need to remember acting or pretending like you no longer care, like you are no longer somehow connected to that particular point or path in life, like you've moved on or forgotten isn't actually letting go.
You may be fooling the rest of the world, but you aren't fooling yourself.
Distractions can really only get you so far.
Whether we're talking breakup, career change, traumatizing event or any other life-changing experience, distracting yourself after the initial fallout does have its benefits.
It allows you to cap your emotions, giving you time to breathe – which can sometimes prove to be exactly what we need.
Taking your focus off the issue you're dealing with and focusing on other things going on in your life can make transitioning into a new life more seamless; however, distracting yourself can only take you so far; in fact, it's only good in the beginning.
Eventually, continuously distracting yourself will remove you from reality. Of course, this is the goal in the beginning, but continuously removing yourself from reality inevitably does even more harm.
Sooner or later, you're going to have to come to terms with your situation.
Likewise, it's important how we're distracting ourselves. People tend to make some of the worst decisions when trying to distract themselves from someone or something causing them emotional pain.
What we ought to be doing is our best to avoid such bad decisions, and instead force ourselves to focus on more positive things.
Acting like you don't care can actually make things a whole lot more difficult for you.
You can lie to the whole world, which is usually what pretending not to care starts off as, but you can't allow yourself to lie to you.
Everyone else in the world can – and likely will – lie to you at one point or another in your life – you have no control over that. You do, however, have control of how honest you are with yourself.
I can understand saving face, saving yourself from feeling embarrassed and from having people snoop around your business when it's none of their business.
What I can't understand is building a delusion for yourself. I want to say you aren't ever going to fool yourself, but the truth is that is exactly what may happen.
The human mind is incredibly powerful. So powerful in fact that sometimes the shifts in realities we experience, we don't even notice.
If you play a part for long enough, you may very well end up believing you actually are the person you're pretending to be. Until, however, reality comes crashing in – because it almost always inevitably does.
When that happens, you're going to have a difficult time finding yourself, once again figuring out who you are and – most importantly – what it is you want in life.
You've been acting so nonchalant for so long that you forgot where it is you actually stand.
Have you ever stopped and wondered why you feel the need to let go?
Obviously, you feel the need to let go because holding on is painful. We don't like pain because it makes us feel uncomfortable, and therefore, we want to do our best to avoid it.
At the same time, some things you simply can't, and never will, let go of. So what the hell are you to do then?
This is the point that, when most of us reach it, we begin to drown in the realization that we are never going to be able to let go and move on completely.
We will never let go entirely because we can never forget. So what are you supposed to do? Accept that you're going to be dealing with intense emotional distress for the rest of your life?
Not at all. You see, it's one thing to let go and forget and another to accept, learn from and move on. The former isn't always possible, while the latter is really the only wise and viable solution.
Some misfortunes, mistakes or people you will never fully let go of or forget, but this is a good thing. If we were to go through life forgetting all the pain we've experienced on our journey, we would never learn or make progress.
Instead, we'd keep making the same mistakes, never learning, never finding peace or happiness.
The most painful moments in our lives are not ones to be forgotten, to be let go of and left behind.
On the contrary, they are moments we should delve into, dissect and try to understand as best as possible.
If we made mistakes, we need to understand what mistakes we made and why we made them.
If things didn't work out for other reasons, we need to figure out what those reasons are. Trying or pretending to let go won't get you anywhere in life.
Being in denial of all that you've been through and experienced will only make the likelihood of you repeating the same mistakes much more likely.
Some things – and some people – you will never be able to fully let go of. Why? Because they changed you. They added their stroke with their paintbrushes, which added to the composition you are today.
Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower? “When life gets tough, the tough get going.” This timeless proverb may be true for some but, for others, hardship can be too much to overcome. When the going gets tough, their life simply falls apart. What is it exactly that separates those who thrive regardless of adversity and those who don’t? Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower? Consider that Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison before he became the first democratically elected president in South Africa. Abraham Lincoln failed in business, had a nervous breakdown, and was defeated eight times in elections before becoming president. A boy born to a teenage alcoholic prostitute and an absentee father found himself in trouble throughout his childhood, eventually growing up to be Charles Manson. These examples are extreme, but they demonstrate the different routes people may choose when facing major obstacles. Some people turn to alcohol and drugs, stealing, or physical violence. Nearly 16,000 people drank themselves to death in 2010. Every year, more than 3 million children will witness domestic violence in their home. Conversely, many people have gone through hell and back and are moral, happy, and successful. As a youth violence and family trauma psychologist, it’s my job to find the turning point between the right path and the wrong one. In my own life I dealt with hardship and failure. My family was poor. I had to cope with suicides, mental illness, and domestic violence; two of my family members died of alcoholism. My grandmother was a teacher and I thought I would follow in her footsteps. After attempting to go to school for teaching, I realized that I was not cut out for it. I felt like I had failed. When I was young, I tried to be a writer and was not successful. My first marriage was a failure, as was my first business. I was challenged significantly when I enrolled in my Ph.D. program at the age of 42 and my classmates were all 20 years younger. And the story would not be complete without telling you that someone attempted to rape me when I was a young woman. I only told a few people. I cried and cried. I wanted to scrub the skin right off my body. Yet today, I can face my fears and am a big fan of “Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit.” Despite all these trials, life marched on and turned out positive. I earned my Ph.D. I am a successful non-fiction writer and the author of two books that have sold well. I own my own practice, Eastern Shore Psychological Services, which has grown considerably and won numerous awards. And I am happily remarried to a loving husband, although I once told myself that I’d never marry again. Why was I able to overcome the negative parts of my life when others from similar backgrounds have ended up addicted to substances or in jail? The simple answer is that I had enough protective factors in my life to outweigh my risk factors. For instance: The neighborhood I grew up in was safe.
I was always supported by people who loved me.
I did well in school and had opportunities to succeed.
I had pro-social role models.
I received treatment for depression and PTSD.
There were many happy events in my life.
I kept going, one foot after the other, no matter what.
The Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention found that children who have more than five risk factors (learning problems, maltreatment, chaotic neighborhoods, etc.) and less than six protective factors (adult support, life skills, clear standards set by care givers, etc.) have an 80% chance of committing future violent acts. This means that, while we all face varying levels of hardship, there must be a counterbalance of positives in our lives so that we may continue to grow and succeed. Looking back at my family members who struggled, I realize that they did not have the level of support and education about depression and alcoholism that I was fortunate to have. At two points in my life, I had problems controlling my anger, just like my father. But I gained support through education and friends, and I learned to deal with it effectively. Without these support systems, statistical research says that I would most likely have failed. It’s true that some of our ability to deal with hardships and failure has to do with biological traits and genetics. Some of it may have to do with luck. But mostly it has to do with the environment and people around us. Our parents, siblings, peers, educators, and community all play a vital role in shaping who we become. Life is tough and we all have our own challenges to face. But we don’t have to face them alone. With a caring heart and encouraging hand, we can all play a role in supporting others through their greatest hardships. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-the-cycle/201308/life-is-tough-overcoming-hardship-and-failure-0
You know that moment. Some of us know it all too well during and after divorce. The moment when one of your grown children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” who is at your ex’s house. Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe while you’re struggling to make ends meet.
Ah, jealousy. The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own divorce recovery.
You’re not alone when it comes to dealing with jealousy, especially after a divorce. And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion. Jealousy is selfish. Have you ever known someone in your life who was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Well, jealousy is like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over. And instead of focusing on yourself, jealously is there telling you, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the amazing things they’re doing!” What benefit is there to focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is there to thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over?
You already know the answer. Being jealous has no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce? The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why. Jealousy is also lazy. You know what’s easier than working on yourself? Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it. One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things beyond our control. And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spent focusing on the most important thing — YOU. It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex”, rather than focusing on your own finances and schedule, so you can plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget. It’s easier to say, “That jerk already has a new partner! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track. See what I mean? Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move on. It’s a lot easier to remain bitter over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms. But I am jealous! So what am I supposed to do?! I know, I know… you’re human and you may be hurting, especially if your marriage lasted decades. But there’s something you can do about it. Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity. The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.
Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.
“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”
Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.
“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because, financially, I feel like I cannot treat myself.”
Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?
“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go… sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.” How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy? And what actions can you take to overcome it? Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/divorce-recovery-dealing-with-jealousy/
My husband was my family for many years, and now that is gone too. So, my friends are my family.
I am one of the first of my friends to get a divorce.
At only thirty-one-years-old, I told my husband I needed to leave our marriage in order to be happy again. I fell in love with him when I was nineteen, and when we said our vows four years later, I believed with all my heart that we would be married forever. As I've learned, signing a marriage certificate doesn't guarantee marital bliss or personal happiness, or anything really except that if you ever do want to leave this marriage, you will have to go through a painful legal process to do so.
I've learned that there is a guarantee in divorce, however, and that guarantee is that it will hurt.
It will be harder than you ever could have imagined, and just when you think you're rounding a corner, a Divorce Landmine will go off--seeing your ex's new wedding photo, for example--and you are right back where you were when the whole thing began: crying in bed with the covers over your head and feeling like you need someone--anyone--to hold you while you cry.
It's been over two years since the initial split from my marriage, and while I am truly happy most days now and have learned to allow grief to pass through me when it needs to, those landmines still go off. And because I loved my former spouse so deeply, the pain is still unbearable when it strikes. This morning, after seeing the aforementioned photograph on social media, I almost stopped a stranger on the street who was washing his truck to ask him to hug me.
I'm serious.
I just needed a hug. I had cried alone in bed all morning, and I needed someone to physically put their arms around me and let me cry.
I am the only child of two parents who love me, but who are not emotionally or physically present for me. This has been the case for some time now, so I've developed a tough skin in order to survive on my own.
My husband was my family for many years, and now that is gone too.
So, my friends are my family, and while they are true, loyal, and loving, they are not a husband. They are not a mother or a father. They have their own families to attend to, their own problems to handle. And since many of them have not experienced the trauma of divorce or the devastating effects of a deep depression (I hope they never do), they may not fully comprehend the depths to which I plummet after a Divorce Landmine goes off.
Quite honestly, I do not want to take them with me to the dark side--I sure as hell don't want to be there, so why would I drag these dear friends down with me?
In my memoir, Meet Me in Paris, I have written openly and honestly about this dark side...and about the light that can break through beyond the grief. Because there is light. The storm will pass. I am living proof of this.
Healing can be a beautiful process, which, if you allow it to, will transform you in amazing ways.
In the meantime, when a Divorce Landmine goes off, we need help from our friends and loved ones.
For those dear friends and loved ones who aren't sure what to do for your depressed, divorced friend, I've written you a poem. I hope my words will help you to understand us divorced messes a little better, and to know what you can do to help.
The Next Time The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
Act as if she has just told you that the person she has loved for sunrises and sunsets, for starry nights and stormy skies and every moment in between...Act as if she has just told you that this person has died...
Because that is what has happened.
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
Act as if she has just told you that the person who has loved her at her best and at her worst, who has been her everything for too many days to count...Act as if she has just told you that this person has died...
Because that is what has happened.
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
Act as if she has just told you that she is about to enter the most intense grieving period of her life, and that a part of her has died too...
Because that is what has happened.
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
Know that even if says she is okay, underneath her smile, your friend is drowning in loss, your friend needs your help...
Because she is grieving a death A death she may have chosen A death he may have chosen But it is a death, nonetheless.
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
Know that depression may strike, and depression is a beast, it's a killer. And when she reaches out to you, you must go to her. Drop your plans, get in the car...
And go.
Go again, and again, and again, because she needs you, even if she doesn't want to admit it.
Because there are days when she doesn't want to live, even if she doesn't want to admit it.
And because one day, you will lose someone you loved, whether through a divorce, a death, or both...
And you will need her too.
The next time a friend tells you she is getting a divorce
The best thing you can do is hold a space for her to grieve, without telling her why her life is so fabulous and why she should feel good.
When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isn’t without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints. And then it occurred to me.
He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable “something” that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days it’s at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons — at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. It’s been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses… All of it still hurts. And I still ache at having trusted myself to the institution of marriage, to the man with whom I stood at an altar and exchanged vows, and to the family court and judicial systems that broke my beliefs in fairness. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins.
You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. I also recognize my own responses as a function of marital expectations formed in the way I was raised, and my vision for what constitutes family. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away.
No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. I’ve heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that “time heals all wounds.” But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. Oh, there’s likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. Yet in our many hard years since the marriage ended, there was a great deal of good in our little household of one mom, two boys and a big mutt. But that fact doesn’t erase the sadness of having said “I do” to a man who is the father of my children, and who became a stranger to me. It doesn’t undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons’ faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my ex’s mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my children’s early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. Then I feel the empty space profoundly — not for a man I do not miss — but where a family history of four ought to be. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. And apparently, my sadness lingers at moments. Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Perhaps it arises on those occasions that invariably spark old memories. Lest you think that’s all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. But we weathered storms, my children are now young men, and they will find their own way as we all must, with time.
I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our “normal.” (How great is that?) Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. We are none of us any one thing. As for my children, I hope I have been a model of resourcefulness and curiosity, of determination and positivism. I hope they see that what is good in life can outweigh the hurt of our deepest disappointments. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. You may consider it phantom pain, but it’s pain nonetheless. And regardless of its source, shouldn’t we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/blogs/divorce-whirlwind/when-divorce-still-hurts-even-years-later/
-Japanese Proverb Whether we're facing and working through a time of struggle and adversity, or considering taking a course of action to achieve something, there's a real danger that we can get caught in a cycle of procrastination. We may be fearful of our ability to cope, to get the results we need or to muster the necessary energy and enthusiasm. We may feel we're not equipped with what this will require of us. We may be fearful of what will happen if we succeed!
In this episode I discuss why I think it's our imperative to act and more importantly, to TRY and not to allow ourselves to struggle or procrastinate out of a sense of fear of uncertainty. Things may work out, they may not. Either way, we do not know until we try.
If you have any comments or feedback on this episode you can reach out by email on toby@kintsugilife.co
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