Staying Focussed and Dealing with Overwhelm

In this video I share my thoughts on how to deal with overwhelm and how to maintain focus when working through divorce (and in life!)


Thanks and I welcome your feedback and comments here or in YouTube!

Extremities: The Pain and Promise of Divorce

As the divorce process unfolds, especially within the first several months, you will probably go through a series of emotional extremes. The divorce, as it tears apart the fabric of your marriage, will probably tear you up as well. You will be astounded by the intensity of raw pain that can sweep over you, sometimes quite unexpectedly.

This is a dangerous time psychologically, and it may not be clear how this emotional eruption could lead to extreme consequences. The person you thought you knew and loved is no longer there, “replaced” by some scary, spiteful stranger. Frightening scenarios, involving both yourself and the other person, become immediately present as possibilities; you will no longer know what to expect from your former spouse or even from yourself. Even if you struggle to hold onto some shred of love, or at least positive feeling, for your former spouse, you will be afflicted by thoughts and feelings that seem to flood into your mind from some primitive, nightmare side of reality.

In such moments, you may feel like you are losing your mind. You can go places emotionally where no one else can reach you. You may scream, cry, shake, or rage uncontrollably. You may feel exhausted one moment and then keyed up the next. Sleep is difficult. You do not know what to do with yourself.

Violated and violent, perhaps even filled with thoughts of hurting yourself or others, you may experience the urge to act on these extreme emotions, to enact the evils which now plague you, to overcome fear by becoming frightening, to overcome alienation by making your hell real for others, to inflict what you are suffering on the one “responsible” for it, to let others know how it feels to be in such pain, to give vent to the rage, to destroy the marriage that is “destroying” you. You want your day in court; want the indifferent world to know you have been wronged!

You may be appalled at yourself, and yet continue to hold onto this desperate “remedy,” as if it were a perverse life saver, as if this pain is all that holds you together and keeps you emotionally connected with the marriage you are losing. You know that you need to “get over it,” as friends would recommend if they knew what you were feeling and contemplating, and yet it seems that “getting over it” would leave you with nothing.

This extreme state may last for a brief moment, or several days, or longer. You may be able to suppress or contain it, for the most part. Some people may not even feel it. But most do.

If you ever find yourself on this pathway toward extreme action, do not give in. Hold on. Give life a chance to make things better for you, even if you can’t see any hope and don’t have a clue about how to keep going. Take a long walk. Call someone who loves you. Seek professional assistance if necessary, but remember that the extreme pain will eventually pass, while the consequences of extreme actions may not. You are bereft now, but not forever. Seeds of new life will eventually spring up. You can look for these little hints of life, simple, small, seemingly inconsequential moments in which you catch a glimpse of something and feel yourself respond and know that you might survive.

In the throes of divorce, people experience the pain of disrupted emotional attachment. The roots of emotional attachment go very deep in our lives. Establishing and maintaining attachment is the most crucial thing at the earliest point in life; without it, we would have died as an infant. Even now, as adults, any threat to emotional attachment feels highly upsetting and dangerous. We can feel like we are dying emotionally, like there is no more life in our life.

We may try to fill the “blankness” with the “stimulation” of sex, or with endless hours of work, or with concern about the kids, or with a new relationship. But the blankness tends to remain. With time and reflection, however, there may be a shift of feeling and new emotional connections may become possible.

Surviving the breakup of a marriage or, for that matter, surviving the loss of any cherished individual, can leave us a little wiser about love. By getting a little distance from the pain, we come to know that:

• relationships can and do end;
• love has many unforeseen, but inevitable, twists and turns;
• love is based as much on a decision to remain steadfast, in spite of the inevitable twists and turns, as it is on the fulfillment of fantasy or gratification of unmet needs; and
• we can survive loss.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, by distancing ourselves from the intensity of extreme pain experienced during a breakup, we are able more fully to appreciate the gift of a meaningful, satisfying relationship and, with time, take steps to build such a relationship in the future.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/extremities-the-pain-and-promise-of-divorce/

You Can't Fool Yourself: Acting Like You Don't Care Isn't Letting Go

It can be difficult to let go of certain things or to let go of certain individuals in your life. Our minds are funny that way.

Although we understand that, in theory, we have control over ourselves, our minds, our thoughts, etc., in practice, taking and exercising control proves much more difficult.

Sometimes it's a matter of quieting the mind enough to navigate through all the thoughts running loose, bouncing off each other, making clear focus and full control unlikely.

Sometimes it's about giving ourselves time to re-navigate our course in life and restructure our lifestyle – often it's the habits we're accustomed to that make change so incredibly difficult to achieve.

Other times still, what we're trying to let go of and forget has influenced our lives and the people we are today so greatly that letting go seems basically impossible.

The truth is, there are things in our lives we can't easily let go of. There are things and individuals we won't ever forget, nor – to be honest – should we forget.

Most importantly, you need to remember acting or pretending like you no longer care, like you are no longer somehow connected to that particular point or path in life, like you've moved on or forgotten isn't actually letting go.

You may be fooling the rest of the world, but you aren't fooling yourself.

Distractions can really only get you so far.

Whether we're talking breakup, career change, traumatizing event or any other life-changing experience, distracting yourself after the initial fallout does have its benefits.

It allows you to cap your emotions, giving you time to breathe – which can sometimes prove to be exactly what we need.

Taking your focus off the issue you're dealing with and focusing on other things going on in your life can make transitioning into a new life more seamless; however, distracting yourself can only take you so far; in fact, it's only good in the beginning.

Eventually, continuously distracting yourself will remove you from reality. Of course, this is the goal in the beginning, but continuously removing yourself from reality inevitably does even more harm.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to come to terms with your situation.

Likewise, it's important how we're distracting ourselves. People tend to make some of the worst decisions when trying to distract themselves from someone or something causing them emotional pain.

What we ought to be doing is our best to avoid such bad decisions, and instead force ourselves to focus on more positive things.

Acting like you don't care can actually make things a whole lot more difficult for you.

You can lie to the whole world, which is usually what pretending not to care starts off as, but you can't allow yourself to lie to you.

Everyone else in the world can – and likely will – lie to you at one point or another in your life – you have no control over that. You do, however, have control of how honest you are with yourself.

I can understand saving face, saving yourself from feeling embarrassed and from having people snoop around your business when it's none of their business.

What I can't understand is building a delusion for yourself. I want to say you aren't ever going to fool yourself, but the truth is that is exactly what may happen.

The human mind is incredibly powerful. So powerful in fact that sometimes the shifts in realities we experience, we don't even notice.

If you play a part for long enough, you may very well end up believing you actually are the person you're pretending to be. Until, however, reality comes crashing in – because it almost always inevitably does.

When that happens, you're going to have a difficult time finding yourself, once again figuring out who you are and – most importantly – what it is you want in life.

You've been acting so nonchalant for so long that you forgot where it is you actually stand.

Have you ever stopped and wondered why you feel the need to let go?

Obviously, you feel the need to let go because holding on is painful. We don't like pain because it makes us feel uncomfortable, and therefore, we want to do our best to avoid it.

At the same time, some things you simply can't, and never will, let go of. So what the hell are you to do then?

This is the point that, when most of us reach it, we begin to drown in the realization that we are never going to be able to let go and move on completely.

We will never let go entirely because we can never forget. So what are you supposed to do? Accept that you're going to be dealing with intense emotional distress for the rest of your life?

Not at all. You see, it's one thing to let go and forget and another to accept, learn from and move on. The former isn't always possible, while the latter is really the only wise and viable solution.

Some misfortunes, mistakes or people you will never fully let go of or forget, but this is a good thing. If we were to go through life forgetting all the pain we've experienced on our journey, we would never learn or make progress.

Instead, we'd keep making the same mistakes, never learning, never finding peace or happiness.

The most painful moments in our lives are not ones to be forgotten, to be let go of and left behind.

On the contrary, they are moments we should delve into, dissect and try to understand as best as possible.

If we made mistakes, we need to understand what mistakes we made and why we made them.

If things didn't work out for other reasons, we need to figure out what those reasons are. Trying or pretending to let go won't get you anywhere in life.

Being in denial of all that you've been through and experienced will only make the likelihood of you repeating the same mistakes much more likely.

Some things – and some people – you will never be able to fully let go of. Why? Because they changed you. They added their stroke with their paintbrushes, which added to the composition you are today.

Embrace it. Don't hide from it or ignore it. Accept it. Understand it. Learn from it. And grow from it.

Source: http://elitedaily.com/dating/acting-dont-care-letting-go/1016036/

Emotional Coping and Divorce

Divorce is generally a stressful and unsettling event. At minimum, a major relationship is ending, all sorts of routines are upset, and in the midst of the stress of transition there are legal hoops to jump through before things can be resolved. Add in the volatile emotions that are frequently associated with divorce and you have a difficult situation indeed. In this section, we will talk about practical ways that divorcing people can cope with and make the best of their stressful circumstances.

There are really two sides to the divorce process; the human emotional side and the formal legal side. Different coping strategies and skills are appropriate to address each of these aspects of divorce.

Emotional Coping

Divorce can trigger all sorts of unsettling, uncomfortable and frightening feelings, thoughts and emotions, including grief, loneliness, depression, despair, guilt, frustration, anxiety, anger, and devastation, to name a few. There is frequently sadness and grief at the thought of the end of a significant relationship. There can be fear at the prospect of being single again, possibly for a long time (or even forever), and with having to cope with changed financial, living and social circumstances. There can be anger at a partner's stubborn obstinacy and pettiness, abuse, or outright betrayal. There can be guilt over perceived failures to have made the relationship work. There can be overwhelming depression at the thought of the seeming impossibility of being able to cope with all the changes that are required. Any and all of these emotions are enough to make people miserable, and to find them wanting to cry at 3am.

Painful as they are, these sorts of emotions are generally natural grief-related reactions to a very difficult life-altering situation. Though there is no 'cure' for these feelings, there are some good and healthy ways to cope with them so as to suffer as little as possible, and to gain in wisdom, compassion and strength from having gone through the experience. The emotional coping process starts with allowing one's self the freedom to grieve and ends with moving on with one's life.

Allow grieving to occur. Grief is a natural human reaction to loss. Grief is not a simple emotion itself, but rather is an instinctual emotional process that can invoke all sorts of emotional reactions as it runs its course. The grief process tends to unfold in predictable patterns. Most commonly, people move back and forth between a shocked, numb state characterized by denial, depression, and/or minimization of the importance of the loss, and outraged anger, fear, and vulnerability. The dialog between numb and upset continues over time as the person emotionally digests the nature of the loss. Ultimately, enough time passes that the loss comes to be thought of as something that happened in the past, and that is not a part of day-to-day life. Grief doesn't so much go away as it becomes irrelevant after a while.

Fighting grief is often counterproductive. Most of the time it is best to allow yourself to grieve in the ways that come naturally to you, at least part of the time. Eventually life comes back to 'normal' and the intensity of loss retreats. Different people take different amounts of time to go through their grief process and express their grief with different intensities of emotion. The amount of time people spend grieving depends on their personalities, and on the nature of their losses. Someone whose marriage was betrayed might take a longer time to work out their grief and to do it in a more vocal way than someone who chose to leave a marriage of their own accord. Someone who found out suddenly about their spouse's affair might grieve differently than someone who has watched their marriage deteriorate for years.
It is not realistic that grief over a lost marriage should be worked out in a month or even several months. Most people will continue to deal with the emotional ramifications of loss for many months, sometimes even several years. Several years is a long time, however; really too long to spend exclusively grieving when life is so short. People who find that grief has not for the most part abated after 12 months have gone by are strongly urged to seek the assistance of a professional therapist.

Choosing to move forward. While grief can be immobilizing at first, after a while, most grieving people find that, little by little, they are ready to move on with their lives. For a time, they may find themselves moving on and grieving at the same time. Over time however, if everything goes well, the grieving process loses steam and more energy becomes available for moving on with life. Discussion of the moving forward process is handled in a later section of this document.

Methods for coping with emotion

As a practical matter, there are a number of things that people can do to help themselves cope while grieving the loss of a marriage.

Prioritize. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because one is hurting. Despite grief, there will be chores that need doing and bills that need paying. There may also be any number of extraordinary tasks that must be accomplished during the transition from married to single person (such as finding an apartment, turning on utilities, changing addresses, etc.) which add to the general stress. Creating a list of such necessary chores can help to reduce their stressful impact on one's life. All chores should be placed on the list in the order of their importance. Starting with the most essential, each chore is then worked through and crossed off the list as it is completed. The simple act of prioritizing and checking off list items helps make sure that all necessary chores get accomplished, and further helps to generate a feeling of control over what might otherwise be experienced as unmanageable demands.

Put things away. As soon as it is practical to do so, start living as a single person again. Put old photographs and mementos away where you don't have to look at them all the time. Start paying your own bills and handling those aspects of life that your ex-spouse used to do for you. Limit your contact with your ex-spouse. In general, do what you can to confidently look forward towards the future, rather than backwards at your divorce.

Talk about it. Many grieving people find that their suffering is somewhat lessened when they are able to share their hurt feelings with a sympathetic audience. For this reason, it is often helpful for grieving people to tell trusted family and friends that they are getting divorced, and to request assistance from these trusted people as they are able to offer it. Finding someone who can and will listen and allow one to vent their hurt emotions and fears and offer comforting advice often proves very helpful. Not everyone is a good listener, however, and those who are will have lives of their own and may get fatigued over time, especially if one's grief process is not brought under control. Some friendships might also prove too fragile to survive one's divorce and will be lost in spite of best efforts. It is best to use judgment when deciding with whom to share, how much to share, and how often to share so as not to overly fatigue one's supports.

If existing supports prove inadequate, other support opportunities can be created by attending support groups or by working with a professional therapist.

Support groups are self-help meetings attended by people going through the same sorts of circumstances. Generally sponsored by community centers and religious institutions, divorce support groups provide a face-to-face forum where people in different stages of adjustment to their divorce come together to educate and support one another.

Online divorce support groups are also available 24 hours a day on the Internet, offering a less personal, but more accessible support format. One caveat with regard to online support forums is that they can be plagued by 'trolls' - people who are there to insult and ridicule legitimate members. Keep your thickest skin and sense of humor handy when using online supports.

Psychotherapy and counseling can also be excellent options for obtaining divorce support. A qualified therapist is a trained and empathic listener with an expert understanding of how divorce affects and changes lives. He or she will be able to provide a safe place where the divorcing person can vent their emotions and talk about their fears, especially those feelings that are too private and intense to talk about elsewhere. He or she will also be able to provide expert guidance on managing stress, grief, and self-defeating thoughts, remaining an effective parent to your children, and rebuilding an effective life in the aftermath of divorce. The 'chemistry' between therapist and client is important. It is often a good idea to interview one or more therapists prior to committing to work with any particular one so as to find one who feels safe and best appears to offer appropriate guidance.

Support yourself. In addition to seeking support and guidance from others, there are also good ways you can help yourself to cope.

Maintaining (or starting) healthy routines is a primary means of self-support that frequently gets overlooked. Divorce is a stressful time of change, and many of the good habits one has formed to help maintain health can be lost in the shuffle. At a personal level, making time to exercise regularly, get enough sleep, and eat regular healthy meals can help to preserve health and reduce the effects of stress. Keeping select important pre-divorce family routines intact (such as eating together as a family, or attending religious services) is also advisable as this continuity can be a comfort to all.

Keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings as you go through your adjustment to being divorced can provide many benefits. Most pressingly, journaling allows a further outlet for emotional upset. Describing pain and the difficult situations being coped with in writing helps one to gain a better grip and perspective on those emotions and situations, both in each immediate situation described (it feels good to purge pent up feelings), and also across time as growth and movement become apparent. Journaling is cheap, requiring only a notebook and a pen, and can be done at any time of day or night, making it an ideal self-help strategy.
Distraction. Sometimes it's not enough to write or talk about how one is feeling. In such situations, being ready and able to distract one's self can be helpful. Watching a television show or movie, reading a book, surfing the net, exercising, cleaning the house, organizing files, and other attention-demanding tasks and chores can get one's mind away from painful feelings that otherwise might drag out into depression. It is helpful to prepare in advance a list of what needs doing, and to get copies of compelling books and other media handy so that when distraction is needed, it will be easy to pick something healthy or worth doing with which to distract one's self. Although television is always available, it is not necessarily the healthiest or more edifying choice.

Self-soothing. Divorced people are often wounded people, and wounded people need to be gentle and compassionate with themselves while they heal. Treating yourself to a few comforting and healing experiences you might not otherwise allow yourself can be in order. Massage, relaxation routines, a long bath or hot shower, or a plate of one's favorite food can help produce relaxation, calmness and a sense of being cared for, all of which can be balm for a bruised soul. Religious, yoga and meditation retreats, vacations, and similar excursions can have a similar effect. So long as finances allow and healthy routines do not get bent too much, such comforts and small extravagances can help smooth the healing process.

Explore dormant interests. In divorce, one door slams shut, and people tend to spend a lot of time adjusting to that closure. What they come to see after a while, however, is that when one door closes, others open. Divorce is thus a beginning as well as an ending, and a perfect opportunity to explore new interests. Finding one or more causes, clubs, fields, hobbies or projects one is interested in (and wants to work in/on) is beneficial in a number of ways. New interests capture attention and bring it into the present, away from a focus on the past. In so doing, they help people to start thinking of themselves as explorers and decision-makers and not simply as victims of circumstances outside their control. Exploring interests can make you happy and also help you to make new friends.

Avoid dangerous and self-defeating coping behavior. Divorcing people are often wounded people, and wounded people sometimes hurt so much that it clouds their judgment. When one is hurting, one can be tempted to do most anything that promises to remove the pain. The problem is that some solutions for removing pain work well in the short term, but can be dangerous in the medium and long terms. Failure to use judgment in deciding how one will cope with emotional hurt can result in negative, sometimes severely negative, outcomes:

• Avoid using drugs or alcohol or gambling or promiscuous sexuality as a means of coping with pain or loneliness
• Avoid diving into a new intimate relationship just because you're lonely
• Avoid acting on angry impulses you might have towards your ex-spouse
• Avoid stalking your ex-spouse
• Avoid cultivating revenge fantasies involving your ex-spouse. Your successful life post-divorce will be your best revenge
• Avoid making large decisions for a while after your divorce (divorce arrangements notwithstanding).

Source: http://www.amhc.org/42-divorce/article/4391-emotional-coping-and-divorce

Divorcing a Mentally Ill Spouse

Divorcing a mentally ill spouse can be a tedious, dangerous process or it can be a relatively streamlined, routine legal proceeding. The spectrum of mental illness is so wide that it can mean a variety of things.

Mental Illness

Mental illness can mean many different things, but the basic idea is that the person suffering from mental illness has some form of psychopathology that makes his mind work differently from other people. Generally, the difference in brain function is detrimental to the person and may make it difficult to function in varying degrees. Some people suffer from mental illness that never gets diagnosed while others are diagnosed and treated with psychotherapy, medications, or a combination of both.

Whether you are divorcing a mentally ill spouse as a result of the effects the mental illness had on your relationship, or if you do not realize that psychopathology exists until after you try to leave, the stress involved with a divorce can be enough to make the effects of the mental illness increase. For example, a person who suffers intermittently from episodes of depression may wind up in a severely depressed state and perhaps even suicidal as the result of a spouse initiating a divorce.

Personal Responsibility

You may be the person closest to your soon-to-be-ex spouse, but this does not mean that you are completely responsible for what happens as a result of his mental illness. Simply put, if initiating a divorce results in the mentally ill spouse hurting himself, it is important to remember that this is not the fault of the spouse who initiated the divorce.

Mentally ill people may make irrational decisions when placed under stress, but their actions are not your responsibility. Some mentally ill people will use their mental illness as way to keep spouses around, such as in "If you were to ever leave me, I just don't know what I would do." The point is this: Unless you deliberately set out to emotionally hurt your mentally ill spouse, and in turn this results in your spouse hurting himself, it is not your fault and you should not stay hostage in a marriage out of fear that your spouse will hurt himself or someone else.

Divorcing a Mentally Ill Spouse Carefully

Take care when divorcing a spouse who has aggression issues or who is prone to delusions as a result of mental illness. In a situation where you feel threatened by the mentally ill spouse, seek out a safe place to stay and take all of the precautions possible to protect yourself.

Keep documentation of every statement or encounter that makes you feel threatened. This information may be useful if you need to request a restraining order or some other form of legal action against the mentally ill spouse. Also keep in mind that serious mental illness may compel an otherwise rational person to do things that are incredibly uncharacteristic. For example, a man who is usually kind and gentle - yet who is prone to dissociative rages that he does not remember afterwards - should be dealt with cautiously.

Serious cases of mental illness may need to involve temporary hospitalization for treatment. Until the divorce is final, you may be the person who has the authority to request this.
Compassion and Patience

People do not choose to be mentally ill. Many people with serious psychopathologies feel trapped and frustrated by their circumstances. Instead of dismissing your soon-to-be ex-spouse as "crazy," try to deal with her as compassionately as possible, just as you would if she had a chronic health problem that leaves her in pain on a regular basis.

You do not have to stay married to someone just because she has a mental illness, but the process of divorcing someone with mental illness can prove to be a little more complicated than divorcing someone who does not have these mental issues.

Source: http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorcing_a_Mentally_Ill_Spouse

How to Move Forward if You’re Getting Divorced But Are Still in Love

Your husband has asked for a divorce and you are blindsided. There have been moments of unhappiness in your marriage, sure, but nothing that you thought would ever make him leave you. You married for life, and never imagined that you would be signing paperwork to put an end to your time as a married couple.

And…you still love him.

He may have betrayed you with another. He may have fallen out of love with you and feels that there is no possibility of rekindling those loving feelings. He may be having a midlife crisis. In any case, his decision is final and there is no going back. You are left to heal your heart, a heart that still is connected to this man, despite him no longer loving you.
What are some ways that you can heal?

Acknowledge that this is happening

It would be a mistake to pretend that “everything is fine” or try to put on a happy face so that those around you think that you are handling this life change like the competent, strong woman you have always been. There is no need to be a hero during this tumultuous time. If you don’t show your friends and family that you are suffering, they can’t offer to help you shoulder the pain. Let it out. Be honest. Tell them you are shattered, you love your partner, and you need them to be there for you as you navigate this significant life event.
Find a support group

There are plenty of community groups where people going through a divorce can connect, talk, cry, and share their stories. It is helpful to hear that you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Make sure the support group is guided by an experienced counselor so that the meetings do not devolve into a series of complaints without any sort of solution-oriented advice provided.

Banish negative self-talk

Telling yourself “I’m an idiot for still loving him after what he did to me!” is not helpful, nor true. You are not an idiot. You are a loving, generous woman whose core is made up of love and understanding. There is nothing shameful about feeling love for someone who has been your life partner for many years, even if that person made the decision to end the relationship.

Give yourself time to heal

It is important to recognize that healing from a divorce, especially a divorce that you did not initiate, will take the time it takes. Keep in mind that you will, eventually, bounce back. Your grief will have its own calendar, with good days, bad days, and days where you feel you aren’t making any progress at all. But trust in the process: those little cracks you see on the horizon? There is light coming in through them. And one day you will wake up and realize that you will have gone hours, days, weeks without dwelling on your ex-husband and what he did.

When you are ready, rid your home of reminders of him

This will help in “casting off” your feelings of love. Remake your home to your own tastes. Have you always wanted a living room done in pastels and wicker furnishings? Do it! Make your home over to reflect you, and sell or give away anything that triggers those wistful thoughts of “how it was when the husband was here.”

Involve yourself in a new and challenging hobby

This is a proven way to feel better about yourself, and help you build new friendships with people who did not know you as part of a couple. Check local resources to see what is on offer. Have you always wanted to learn French? There are sure to be adult education classes at your local community college. What about a sculpture or painting workshop? You will not only keep busy but come home with something lovely that you have created! Joining a gym or a running club is a good way to work off any negative thoughts occupying your head; exercise provides the same mood-lifting benefits as taking anti-depressants.

Online dating can be a positive experience

Just flirting online with a wide range of potential dates can make you feel desired and wanted again, which, if you’ve been indulging in negative self-talk (“Of course he left me. I’m unattractive and boring”) can be a great lift to your self-confidence. If, after communicating online, you feel like meeting up with one or more of these men, make sure you do so in a public place (such as a busy coffee shop) and that you’ve left the details of the meeting with a friend.

The pain you are feeling can be used to create a better version of yourself

Take the sadness and use it to motivate you to get in shape, swap out some wardrobe items that should have been thrown away years ago, review and update your professional resume, change jobs…put this energy into living your best life.

Find the perfect balance of alone-time and friend-time

You don’t want to self-isolate too much, but you do want to carve out some time to be alone. If you were married for a long time, you may have forgotten what it was like to be on your own. You may find it uncomfortable at first. But reframe these moments: you are not lonely, you are practicing self-care. In order to love again, it is essential for you to learn to be fine with being alone. This will allow you to open up to another man (and it will happen!) from a place of stability, and not desperation.

It is normal to feel a sense of loss and sadness when the man you were in love with decides that he is no longer in love with you. But remember that you have now joined a large community of fellow-travelers who have survived, and ultimately thrived, in their post-divorce lives. Give it time, be gentle with yourself, and hold tight to the knowledge that you will fall in love again.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-move-forward-if-youre-getting-divorced-but-are-still-in-love/

The Impact of Divorce on Children of Different Ages

Children of all ages react to divorce, and are influenced by the environment parents create before, during, and after divorce. The better that children can understand the concept of what is happening, the easier it is to integrate their fear and grief. This can help them adjust at any age; however, it is important to remember that children of different ages will have different understandings of what divorce means and they will react differently to divorce. The developing brain of early childhood can be very vulnerable to stress, and school-age children who are in the process of developing their own identities may be negatively impacted from the stress hormone cortisol that can change brain architecture and impulse control if sustained over a long enough period of time.

How Divorce Impacts Toddlers

Toddlers ages one through three have limited cognitive ability. They are confused about divorce. Further, they do not necessarily have the coping skills yet to address the alterations and adjustments. As a result, they can be more vulnerable to emotional problems later in life. Moreover, young children personalize their world; as a result, they may feel that their parents’ divorce is their fault.

How Divorce Impacts School-Age Children
For school age children (ages 6-12), parental divorce can negatively impact education. This age group is still in magical thinking; they may hold out the wish that their parents will get back together. In this age group, children are still very egocentric and can feel responsible for not only their parents’ separation, but for the possibility of a reconciliation. Children ages six through 12 grieve the loss of their parents’ marriage. It is almost inconceivable that that their parents, that belong to them, are no longer living together, and that in fact, one parent is living apart.

Children have no option in divorce and may feel completely out of control. So, when children experience such distress, they may display regressive or aggressive behavior. School is the perfect environment in which to act out. Withdrawal, aggression, needy, and disobedient behavior can all be seen in the classroom. Daydreaming and not doing schoolwork are behaviors seen by the teacher by children of divorce. Also children ages 6-12 are old enough to understand that their parents have detached from one another. It is here that children criticize one parent or the other and might show their anger by deliberately taking sides.

Divorce is never easy for anyone involved. It is an emotionally challenging psychological journey for both parents and children to undergo. But in the end, the most important thing to remember is the vulnerability of your children. Therefore, your main job as the parent is to help your children adjust successfully, to be there for them, and to make sure they know they are loved.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/the-impact-of-divorce-on-children-of-different-ages_b_6820636.html

Expect The Holidays To Re-Trigger The Grief Of Loss

Have you ever noticed that your mood changes in a similar way at a particular time of year for reasons you can’t quite pinpoint? Maybe you often feel slightly on edge or blue during the week of Thanksgiving, even though nothing bad has happened (yet). Or you tend to feel anxious, irritable or vaguely ill at ease when fall turns to winter, which happens to be when your parents split up or your best friend moved away. The truth is, particular holidays, months or even seasons can carry emotional baggage that you may not recognize.

Each of us has emotional hotspots in time that are “irreversibly tied to our past,” according to Dr. John Sharp, a psychiatrist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School and the UCLA School of Medicine and author of “The Emotional Calendar.” “What’s happening is your mind is making sense of your experiences without your really thinking about it; it’s a form of pattern recognition.” In other words, it’s as if your subconscious is making a note to self, based on environmental factors or sensory conditions that trigger an association from the past.

Whether they’re obvious or hidden, these connections often involve memories of noteworthy events in our lives (such as moving to a new state or being in a horrible car accident or a frightening fire) or holiday-related family get-togethers. But they can also be tied to a particular loss (such as the death of a loved one or a devastating break-up or divorce) or to personal struggles (with finances or substance abuse, for example). “The emotions bleed across time from the past to the present,” Sharp explains.

Research refers to this phenomenon as “anniversary reactions,” “holiday effects” or “birthday blues” – and studies have found that the emotional impact is particularly strong for parents who have lost a child and for older, bereaved spouses. A 2015 study from Sweden found that mothers who lost a child had a 46 percent increased risk of dying, mostly from heart problems or suicide, during the anniversary week of the child’s death. A 2014 study from Rutgers University found that widowed older adults experienced heightened psychological distress during the post-holiday period, the month of their late spouse’s birthday and in June (when many wedding anniversaries and graduations occur). “When you lose someone, there is no such thing as closure – there’s a hole in the fabric and it’s never totally repaired,” says Ann Rosen Spector, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia.

Elizabeth Berrien is all too familiar with this phenomenon. The period from mid-to-late summer, the fall and early winter holidays, and late January are particularly tough for her. That’s because in August 2009 she became a young war widow when her husband Brian, a Special Forces soldier, was killed in action in Afghanistan, and in January 2008, they lost their son to stillbirth. “My grief usually intensifies around the fall and winter holidays, since that’s when more emphasis is placed on family-centered activities,” explains Berrien, now 34, co-founder of The Respite, a women’s wellness center in Charlotte, North Carolina, and the author of “Creative Grieving.” “It definitely magnifies the fact that loved ones are missing.”

This emotional rekindling can happen for several reasons, experts say. For one thing, your senses can stir up memories and certain emotions when you notice a chill in the air, the smell of chestnuts or a certain cast of light through the trees. For another, cultural expectations and family traditions can set the stage for old emotions to rise up. “All these patterns have probably intensified in recent years because of Facebook and social media because you see how everybody else celebrates these holidays,” notes Deborah Carr, a professor of sociology at Rutgers University. “Holidays used to be very private. Now people post the most positive experiences, which can make your experiences less pleasant by comparison.”

In 2001, Chester Goad, a university administrator in Crossville, Tennessee, lost his dad suddenly to a heart attack; his mom died of cancer five years later. “My birthday is around Thanksgiving, and my mom’s was in December, so we would have birthday and holiday celebrations all during the Christmas season,” says Goad, now 43, who is married and has a teenage son. “This time of year can be stressful for me. I still feel the joy of the season, but at times it can be a solemn joy, and I vacillate between bouts with depression over the sense of loss and anxiety over wanting the holidays to be meaningful for my family.”

Becoming aware of this phenomenon and understanding why you may feel out of sorts allows you to do something about it. The first step is to figure out why you’ve experienced a sudden shift in mood if it’s not obvious. To do that, Sharp recommends imagining yourself as an actor on stage, then broadening the spotlight to see what’s around you in terms of past memories or events and present influences. “It’s not like deep Freudian archaeology – you just have to broaden the beam on yourself [to see what could be affecting you that isn’t immediately apparent],” Sharp says.

To do that, ask yourself: What smells, sounds or other environmental factors might be triggering these feelings? What cultural expectations may be fueling my angst or agitation? When have I felt similarly in the past? “Sometimes you don’t have an immediate answer,” Sharp says, “but a little while later something can pop into your head – a free association – that makes the connection.”

Once you know what you’re dealing with, it can help to tell yourself that the feelings you’re experiencing belong more in the past than the present. Besides helping to modify your reaction, “untangling those threads and recognizing that something has to do with the past can be enormously freeing,” Sharp says. Otherwise, it can help to label it as “poignancy – a mixture of good feelings and pain,” says Richard Tedeschi, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina–Charlotte, and to acknowledge that this “is part of the human experience, the price you pay for loving someone.”

Chester Goad finds that talking to family members and friends and telling stories about his parents is one of the best ways to cope with his sense of loss. “I’ve learned that it’s important to share memories and laugh while creating new memories,” he says.

But if you feel overwhelmed during a holiday get-together, have an exit strategy or a contingency plan so that you don’t feel trapped. You might excuse yourself to take a walk or a rest or to call an old friend. “Give yourself boundaries on the time [spent with others] to protect your mental health,” Tedeschi advises.

In the future, be aware that a relapse of an emotional hangover could occur, and take steps to head it off at the pass. “Figure out what it means to take extra good care of yourself and be proactive,” Sharp says. This might mean planning to go on a special outing to a favorite place, watching good movies or doing something else that boosts your spirits.

With the holiday- and anniversary-related surges in grief that Berrien experiences, “there’s often anxiety, and sometimes I become a bit more withdrawn, so I turn to meditation, deep breathing, exercise or massage to help me be in the present,” says Berrien, who is remarried and the mother of a 6-year-old daughter and an 11-year-old stepdaughter from her first marriage. “It’s often the simplest things, such as being out in nature, listening to my favorite music or reading a good book that help me cope and bring me to a place of comfort and peace.” Indeed, finding that personal spot of serenity may be the best cure for any seasonal or emotional hangover that ails you.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-other-seasonal-affective-disorder_us_5655de23e4b072e9d1c15afb?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness