Don't Get Stuck In A Rut - Here's How To Move On After A Divorce
After sweating your way through proposal planning, asking (what felt like) the most important question of your life, committing your life to another person and building a life together, it can seem surreal when the ‘D’ word comes up in conversation. Even scarier? When divorce becomes the reality of your relationship, ending the marriage and the union that you had hoped would last the rest of your life. Between the financial, emotional and physical impact a divorce has on your wellbeing, health and happiness, considering a future that is full of joy might seem far-fetched and impossible.
While there's no point in sugarcoating it and say it’ll be easy to move on after a divorce, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a touchdown to still be made at the other end of the field. The hard, sad truth is that an estimated 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, meaning that you are definitely not the first person to have to move past a heartache and you certainly won’t be the last.
Here, relationship experts give you their best advice on how to mend your spirit and begin the long road of recovery that hopefully will lead you to an even better romantic match in the years to come:
1. Let Yourself Feel It
Relationship expert, psychologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., says that of all the traumatic experiences a person can go through, getting a divorce is among the most difficult. Not only are you experiencing the great divide of your assets — from your home and your bank accounts to any investments and in some cases, children — but you are also mourning the loss of a partner. Even if your ex was unfaithful to you or in the end, turned out to be more vicious, cold, cruel or vengeful than you could have ever imagined possible; at one time in your life, you thought they were the best person on Earth and letting go of that imagine? Well, it is hard.
And depending on how much time you both spent in negotiations with your respective lawyers and how intense and heated your break-up proceedings went, you may feel exhausted by the time everything is officially signed on the dotted line. “If the couple can mediate on their own then it will still feel like a death of a relationship but without the added trauma of court. Court prolongs the pain and suffering for both parties,” Michael says.
Though leaning in to the discomfort of heartbreak is never an easy task — especially when it is not just letting go of a relationship but a marriage — allowing yourself to truly, fully experience your emotions will ensure that you are not delaying the moving on process. If you ignore those waves of anxiety and depressions, frustration and anger, and pretend like everything's just fine, then you aren’t actually learning from your divorce. If you really struggle with accepting emotions, as many men do, psychologist recommend seeking therapy post-divorce, so a professional can guide you through the tough-to-navigate land of singleness that you haven’t been part of in years, if not, decades. From talk therapy methods where you are asked questions that help you understand your feelings to discovering coping mechanisms that are personal and practical to you, a therapist can identify your road to moving on, without you having to pretend for one minute that you are perfect A-OK, when frankly, you are sad. (And hey, for good reason.)
2. Take Your Time
Want to know, to the calendar date and to the hour, when you're 100%, totally, completely ready to go on your first date post-divorce? As comforting and encouraging as that would be, the time that it takes to be ready to put yourself back into that sea of eligibility will greatly depend on how your marriage ended and how you’ve handled the time afterwards.
As psychologist and love and marriage expert, Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC explains, “The time to move on after a divorce varies from person to person. For many people, the relationship was long over before the divorce was final. For some couples, the divorce was a long and bitter process that left them in bad shape. Depending on where you stood at the end of it all can dramatically change the time you need before meeting new people again.”
No matter if your friends are elbowing you into the bar scene and trying to introduce you to single, attractive women, or your parents are worried about your happiness and just want to see you ‘settled and fulfilled’ — the only person’s opinion that matters is your own. Instead of giving into the pressures or beginning to doubt your attractiveness or date-ability, give yourself a break and take the emotions as they come. Dr. Martinez says that it is much better to wait longer than you thought you’d need before jumping right back into dating post-divorce without taking care of your mental health first and foremost. Only when you are a healed, healthy person can you truly give your best self to the next partner that you decide to take a chance on. After all, ending one relationship only to rush into another one would be a dangerous gamble, given that you haven’t stopped, inhaled and figured out what you really want, and more importantly, what you need, post-divorce.
3. Get Active
Did your father ever tell you as a young teenager when puppy love got the best of you, that the best way to move on is to meet someone else? His words of wisdom might ring loud-and-clear for you right now, but before you move on to another relationship, Dr. Martinez says focusing on other interests, especially physically-active ones, can be a smart way to release your depression and anxiety that your divorce created. When you first go through the court proceedings, the moving details and the emotional windfall, you might feel uninspired to do much of anything, so building up your stamina and your health is a smart way to get the process of moving on started.
“The physical impact of getting a divorce can often go hand-in-hand with sadness and depression. You may not be exercising, you might not be eating in a healthy manner, and you may not be taking care of yourself in the way you normally would,” she explains. “There is a part of you that thinks ‘why bother,’ but the truth of the matter is that all of these activities are only going to help you build their emotional, and physical, health, during a very trying time.”
By joining pickup basketball games or joining a recreational football team, you might also meet other male divorcees that can relate to where you are in your life and help give you advice on what has helped them to move forward. Also, as you see your body continually get stronger and build endurance, you’ll build self-confidence both in your appearance and yourself.
4. Don't Compare Yourself To Your Ex
Post-divorce, it is a good idea to remove your connections to your former partner, especially if you are tied via every social media account, giving you an hour-by-hour update to what’s they're doing and worse, who they might be seeing. Even if you mutually agreed that your marriage had an end-date, accepting that they're getting back into the dating scene and moving on faster than you can be a tough pill to swallow. that is why Dr. Martinez says to remove all temptation of keeping tabs on her and instead, focus on your own road to recovery and love, without making your ex a factor.
This is also important for another big reason: forgiveness. As Dr. Martinez says, if you are constantly in contact with her (or stalking her Instagram) then you do not allow for the space and the disconnect to process your relationship and your divorce. And without forgiving your ex (and yourself, too), you can’t be ready to truly move on in an healthy, impactful way. “You are really only ready to let go and move on when you have fully let go of the previous relationship and you harbor no resentment or ill will. When you have fully closed that chapter and are looking forward to moving on with your life, then you are ready to approach a new possible companionship,” she says.
So you might be ready to grab drinks after work with a new person, but you might not be equipped to commit right away. Dr. Martinez says this just fine — as long as you are honest with yourself and with your matches. “The most important question you should ask yourself is ‘Am I ready to date
?’ — and in what capacity,” she says. “Any stage and any answer is fine, just be honest with yourself, and with the person you are considering dating.”
Source: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-move-on-after-a-divorce.html
The first working Monday of January traditionally sees huge numbers end their marriages
Legal firms are bracing themselves for ‘Divorce Monday’ when they typically see a surge in queries from spouses planning to break up after limping through the Christmas holidays.
Many couples wait until after Christmas and the New Year before initiating a separation, leading to a glut of inquiries on the first working Monday of January, dubbed ‘Divorce Day’.
One in five married couples are considering separating from their partners after staying together over the festive period, according a poll of 2,000 spouses by legal firm Irwin Mitchell.
The Office for National Statistics (ONS) claims that 42 per cent of all marriages end in divorce.
The most recent data on marriage breakups shows that 118,140 divorces were granted in England and Wales in 2012.
Head of family law at legal firm Slater & Gordon Andrew Newbury told The Independent: “We’ve seen the number of inquiries double around this time and then in late January it tails off. Over the last two or three years I’ve noticed that people even inquiry a little bit earlier between Christmas and New Year.”
Divorce rates are plateauing in the UK according to data from ONS, which shows only a 0.5 per cent) from the previous year. Mr Newbury agrees with this data, claiming in his 20-year experience as a family lawyer, “only a smaller fraction will actually go on to go through with it, but I have seen more and more people inquiring each year.”
“There can be a significant gap between people inquiring and actually initiating proceedings," he said.
"People I have seen previously, it is like it is becoming a New Year’s resolution – and they are generally the ones more likely to go ahead with the full divorce proceedings,” he added.
Data from ONS indicates one in seven divorces is granted as a result of adultery, with the overall majority of divorces from first marriages (71 per cent) and almost half of all divorces granted in 2012 were to couples in the first 10 years of marriage.
Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/lawyers-prepare-for-divorce-day-as-christmas-holidays-take-their-toll-9955646.html
If you're not moving beyond your divorce, you may be doing something wrong
One of the most common questions newly divorcing people have for me is, "how long will it take before I'm over this divorce ordeal?
My answer is always the same: "How long it takes to "recover" from a divorce depends on a number of factors, including how long you were together, how good the relationship was and how committed you were to your spouse, whether the divorce was a surprise to you or not, whether you have children together, whether you or your spouse are involved in a new relationship, your personality, your age, your socio-economic status and on and on.
I liken the undoing of a marriage to trying to disentangle two trees that have grown next to each other for years. The more intertwined the root systems are, the longer it will take for the trees to go their separate ways.
In addition, grief has a life of its own and you are done* when your grief process is done, and not a minute before. There is no magic formula and no way to get through your grief on the fast track. But you can do things to slow your process down, which I discuss below.
*(I'd like to qualify this statement by saying you're never completely "done" grieving if you had a sincere love and attachment to your spouse. By done, I mean recovered to the point where you are no longer weighted down by thoughts and feelings about your spouse or your marriage and the pain of the split is a distant memory.)
While no one can tell you exactly when this will be, I can tell you there are things you can do to make the process harder, and there are things you can do to ease the process. I've created a chart so you can see the difference by comparing actions side by side.
Top Ten Don'ts for Divorce Recovery
- Don't ask for help and try to do it all alone
- Don't talk about your grief/feelings
- Count on others to tell you what you need (don't be in your own power)
- Stick your head in the sand and hope it will go away
- Pretend you're fine or try to hold it all together
- Be upset with yourself for "still" feeling bad, sad, scared or angry
- Try to push your "negative emotions" away and be only in better feeling emotions
- Don't accept your new reality and move on
- Don't trust that things will work out
- Be a perfectionist and think you mustn't make any errors
Top Ten Do's for Divorce Recovery
- Ask for help & let help in
- Talk about your grief with others
- Get as much information as you can about the divorce process
- Face each obstacle as it arises
- Let others know when you're not feeling well
- Allow your feelings to come to the surface
- Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel
- Accept your new reality and move on when it's appropriate to move on (this doesn't mean you have to like it!)
- Have trust/faith that things will work out
- Be willing to make mistakes (mistakes are going to happen no matter how well prepared you are - it's just part of the process
While I know there are more ways people have to impede or improve their recovery process, this list gives you a general overview of the do's and don'ts as well as the reminder that you can get through it but you'll need a good set of emotional and mental "tools."
I will add a note here also to those may be beyond the time it "should have"taken. If you are three or four years post-divorce and you find that you are not letting go, my best guess (without assessing you personally) is that you are practicing one of the top 10 "don'ts and that you don't have adequate emotional support.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take
Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope.
Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their “trial separation” when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: “How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?” And, perhaps worst of all, “What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?”
At Jim’s apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose’s chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. “How could you do this to me?” she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him…
Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.”
But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness.
Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.
Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry.
Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face.
So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. “Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.”
Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger.
If You are Angry
- Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
- Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
- Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
- Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
- Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
- Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
- Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
- Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
- Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
- Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
- Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
- Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
- Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.
If your Ex is Angry
- Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
- Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
- Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire…”
- Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
- Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
- Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
- Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
- Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
- Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
- Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.
Britain's leading family law judge, Sir Nicholas Wall, has renewed calls for "no fault divorce", which could see couples granted quick legal separation without one party accepting the blame.
Sir Nicholas, President of the Family Division, said he could "see no good arguments against no fault divorce", as society moves away from viewing permanent separation as shameful.
He claimed divorce was now an "administrative" process rather than judicial, and said it was no longer important "to demonstrate that you were the 'innocent' party."
In a speech to family lawyers, he said current legislation had "its roots in history", when divorce was a "matter of social status and added: "All that, I think, has gone. Defended divorces are now effectively unheard of."
His words, delivered at the annual conference of Resolution in Leeds on Saturday, have been echoed by Lord Justice Thorpe in an Appeal Court ruling on a contested divorce.
In it, he said the "painful investigations" to establish fault in divorce cases "now seem to represent the social values of a bygone age."
The concept of no fault divorce was originally proposed as part of the Family Law Act 1996, but were criticised by opponents as making it too easy for couples to break up.
Sir Nicholas added: "As a student, of course, I grew up with the three Cs – connivance, collusion and condonation. All those have gone.
"It seems to me, therefore, that the time for no fault divorce has also come."
In the same speech, he also spoke of cuts to legal aid, which he believes could make divorces and family disputes longer, more difficult and more expensive as parties increasingly represent themselves.
He claimed the changes and reductions in legal aid will “undoubtedly” lead to a “substantial increase in litigants in person”, making cases more difficult, as complainants fail to understand court processes such as cross-examination.
Stating that he would “work on the premise that the changes …are going to happen”, he said: “We are undoubtedly going to see a substantial increase in litigants in person.
“Some are very good. But as a rule of thumb, there is no doubt that they slow us down.
“Few, for example, can cross-examine or understand the process of cross-examination.”
Sir Nicholas, who has already publicly criticised legal aid cuts, said those representing themselves in family law courts will often have the “most difficult and intransigent cases”.
If they are not suitable for an alternative mediation process, he added, “cases will take longer and become more difficult” without proper legal representation.
He said: “Although good lawyers cost money, they also save it.”
In his speech, Sir Nicholas said he considers it difficult to disagree with the finding of a recent Civil Justice Counil report, which found: “Forthcoming reductions and changes in legal aid will have the most serious consequences.”
Source: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9168530/No-good-arguments-against-no-fault-divorce-top-judge-says.html
The teen years are difficult for anyone. They are full of change, both mentally and physically, and this is a lot to take on. Adding the stress and change of a divorce or separation makes this challenging time even harder to cope with. Teens will often feel like they have no foundation, even when they may be acting as though they are fine. If they are going to develop into healthy adults, they will need your support and love. Here are a few tips on how to help teens through this difficult time.
Take it slow
When your teen already feels like they are on unstable ground, it is best not to add many more changes to their life if you can help it. In a divorce, there is no way to avoid change, but mindfully making the changes can help give your teenager time to adjust. While it might be hard to avoid a few big changes like a new home or a new school, let your teen take their time to get used to it all. Talking to your child about the changes to come will also allow them to prepare mentally, which will help with getting used to the new way that things work.
Make sure that your teen will still have contact with their old friends. Making new friends is an added stress, and their old friends can offer emotional support as they try to work through this difficult process. Try to wait until the end of the school year before moving to a new school. Switching in the middle of the year is much harder and will cause extra stress as well as possibly failing grades. See if you can arrange for your teen to visit the school beforehand so that they don’t feel as lost on their first day.
If you are moving, allow them to decorate their own room. Try to make it a fun experience, and let them express themselves through the way they decorate it.
Expect resistance
Your divorce will be very hard on your teenager, and they will likely feel anger, betrayal, and resentment toward one or both of their parents. Even if they aren’t actually angry at you, they will probably take their negative feelings out on you anyway. Whether they are being rude, rebellious, or withdrawn, you need to be sensitive to their emotions. Try not to get too angry, but take disciplinary measures if what they did was over the line of acceptability. If they take their acting out to an unhealthy level, that is when you may need to intervene with professional help.
Consider taking them to a therapist or counselor if they start acting in a manner that causes you to be concerned about their well being. Don’t force it one them, as they probably won’t like the idea at first. Don’t lecture them about why they should see a professional, but rather explain why you are concerned for their well being. Make sure that they understand that you don’t think that they need to be “fixed”. Being forceful will only gain greater pushback from your teenager, while being sensitive and caring can open up communication and ease their pain. They are looking for solid ground; be that for them.
Don’t bend the rules
While it can be difficult to see your teen acting out or in a negative way towards you, loosening up on the rules is not a good way to earn back their affection. Instead, this will teach them that they receive rewards for acting rebellious. They need discipline and foundation in order to become healthy adults, and removing the rules removes both of those.
Give them the freedoms that you feel they are mature enough for, and reward good behavior with more freedom. If they have good grades and are respectful, let them stay out a bit later or spend extra time on the computer. Be reasonable with your teen, and remember that they are growing into young adults. As they grow older, they will crave more and more freedom.
Remember that you are the parent
Having gone through a divorce or separation, you will have your very own confused feelings to work through. While talking to them about your feelings can help strengthen your bond and show them that you respect and trust them, you must be careful about how much you share. Remember that you are their parent and must be strong for your kids. Also, don’t say negative things about their other parent in front of them. Save the more painful and negative topics to be talked over with adult friends and trusted family members, or even a professional such as a therapist. Some things would do nothing more than hurt your teen, and you need to pay careful attention what you tell them.
Helping a teen through this process can be very difficult, especially if they don’t feel like working with you. However, consistent support and love from you and others they know can help them through this challenging experience and onward into adulthood.
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/teens-and-divorce-how-to-help-them-make-it-through/
Putting pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, can really pay off.
Whether you put pen to paper or type on a computer, writing about stressful experiences or emotionally charged issues in your life can be good for your health and emotional well-being. In fact, expressive writing, which basically involves pouring your heart and mind into words, without worrying about spelling, punctuation, grammar and other writing conventions, is good medicine: In recent years, research has found that it improves symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome or IBS, asthma and rheumatoid arthritis; helps with recovery from childhood sexual abuse and postpartum depression; and improves the state of mind in those with Parkinson's, cancer and many other health conditions.
It can even promote faster wound healing. In a 2013 study, researchers at the University of Auckland in New Zealand had 49 healthy adults, ages 64 to 97, spend 20 minutes a day for three consecutive days writing about upsetting events in their lives (expressive writing) or their daily activities (time management): Two weeks later, the researchers gave participants small puncture wounds on the inside of their upper arms then monitored their healing. Eleven days after the wound infliction, 80 percent more of those in the expressive writing group had fully healed compared with those in the other group.
The Magic Behind the Act
"Writing about an emotionally charged subject or an unresolved trauma helps you put the event into perspective and give some structure and organization to those anxious feelings, which ultimately helps you get through it," notes James Pennebaker, a professor of psychology at The University of Texas–Austin and co-author of the new book "Opening Up by Writing it Down: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain." "This can help people sleep better, feel and think better, and have richer social lives, all of which can bolster immune function and improve health."
Not surprisingly, writing about emotionally charged subjects also can improve mental health, including symptoms of depression, anxiety, major depressive disorder and even post-traumatic stress disorder among veterans. What's more, in a 2014 study involving 149 women in a residential treatment program for substance abuse disorders, researchers from the VA Connecticut Healthcare System in West Haven, Connecticut, found that those who engaged in four 20-minute writing sessions (about emotional topics) on consecutive days had greater reductions in the severity of their post-traumatic symptoms, depression and anxiety after two weeks than participants who wrote about neutral topics.
The mechanisms behind these emotional benefits aren't entirely understood. One theory is that describing your feelings with words may be somewhat cathartic, releasing pent-up feelings that may be dragging you down. Another is that the act of writing can help you organize disorganized thoughts into more cohesive ones that give meaning to an upsetting or traumatic experience. It also may be that the process of writing enables people to learn to better regulate their emotions because they gain a sense of control over upsetting experiences life throws at them.
Meanwhile, a pair of studies published in the April 2016 journal Emotion found that expressive writing helps people distance themselves from a distressing life experience, which in turn makes them less emotionally reactive to it. "We think the process of creating a coherent story out of disorganized emotional memories facilitates self-distancing because this process requires people to adopt other people's perspectives and focus on broader contexts," explains lead author Jiyoung Park, an assistant professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts–Amherst.
Feeling Is Believing
For as long as she can remember, Erin Morris had anxiety that would interfere with her ability to make decisions. In the fall of 2015, she started writing about whatever was on her mind for 15 minutes in the morning. "The important part for me is to not stop and judge myself or my writing but to let it flow and express everything that is in my head," says Morris, 36, a graphic designer who splits her time between Costa Rica and Columbia, South Carolina. Besides easing her anxiety, the writing habit has brought a considerable improvement in her previous sleep troubles, greater energy and "mental clarity when it comes to making decisions and dealing with complicated relationships," Morris reports.
Clint Evans, who spends up to 15 minutes writing in his journal in the morning and the evening, can relate to these perks. "Expressive writing reduces my stress and helps me sleep better," says Evans, 36, a business consultant and content service provider in Austin, Texas. "I feel release when writing in my journal – my mind stops racing and slows to a calm." The writing practice helps him fall asleep faster and sleep more soundly.
Most of the research has explored the benefits of writing about one's deepest thoughts and feelings about a stressful event using the first-person point of view (the "I" voice). A 2013 study from the University of Iowa suggests that assuming a distant, third-person perspective (using "he" or "she") may be even more beneficial because it's associated with less intrusive thinking and fewer physical symptoms. "Taking an observer's vantage may be vital to maintaining composure and making progress when trying to sort through a distressing or angering event or moment in life," explains lead author Matthew Andersson, now an assistant professor of sociology at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. "It's a short leap from picturing a difficult personal event from an observer's perspective to actually using a third-person pronoun, as if you're looking at a completely different person going through what you did."
Of course, "these potential pathways aren't mutually exclusive," Andersson notes, and there may be cumulative benefits. Whatever the mechanisms may be and whatever voice you choose to use, engaging in expressive writing can yield major benefits. "The beauty of this intervention is that it's cost-effective, low risk and [offers a] high payoff," notes Katherine Krpan, a psychologist who investigated the effects of expressive writing on major depressive disorder while at the University of Michigan. "People seem to like the idea of a non-pharmacological intervention. You can also do it wherever you are."
How to Write Yourself Well
To harness the power of expressive writing, Pennebaker recommends choosing a time and place where you're unlikely to be uninterrupted. Vow to write continuously about something that's upsetting you for at least 15 minutes on four consecutive days. Don't worry about spelling, grammar, punctuation, verb agreement or other writing conventions; simply pour your deepest, most honest feelings onto paper or a computer screen. "It can be related to something you're dreaming, thinking or worrying about a lot, an issue or memory that's affecting your life in an unhealthy way, or a subject you've been avoiding for days, weeks or years," Pennebaker says.
Try it for at least a few weeks and see if it helps. If it does, stick with it. Ultimately, what you do with your expressive writing is entirely up to you: You can save it for future reference, throw it away, burn it or shred it, Pennebaker says. The important thing to remember is that it's meant to be for your personal benefit and your eyes only.
When a marriage ends because our partner leaves or betrays us, it’s natural to experience feelings of rejection. When we are left, it can be a devastating experience and it can leave us feeling angry, sad, and self-critical — at times, ruminating about what went wrong. We may be in shock and feel shaken to the core of our being. Self-defeating thoughts can grab hold because we are vulnerable and trying to make sense of things. However, it’s important to realize that this is a normal part of grieving and letting go after a marriage dissolves.
While it’s natural to go through a period of self-reflection when you are rejected by your partner, it’s important to keep things in perspective. Ask yourself if your fears of being alone are preventing you from looking at the breakup honestly. For instance, it’s likely that there have been problems in the relationship for some time and that one or both of you have been unhappy.
Part of the grieving process at the end of a relationship is accepting that what you wanted to happen no longer will happen. Thoughts might range from: We will never have children together, to the mundane: We won’t ever eat another meal together. For example, Kerry told me during a counseling session that the hardest part of being left by her husband Jake was watching TV alone after he moved out.
However, when we feel rejected, we might be listening to destructive “inner voices” which are rarely based in reality, according to author Dr. Lisa Firestone. She writes, “When we are listening to these destructive thoughts, we’re more likely to feel humiliation than real sadness over our loss. Our inner critic fuels feelings of not being able to survive on our own, often saying that no one will ever love us. When these voices aren’t viciously attacking us, they are often raging at our partner, which only supports a victimized orientation to a situation.”
Feelings of rejection are closely tied to feelings of self-worth and self-love. Part of the healing process after divorce is recognizing and accepting that the way you feel about yourself affects the way you relate to people in the world. As you learn to accept what happens and begin to love yourself again, your feelings of rejection will diminish. When you’re connected to feelings of self-worth, you’ll have more energy to relate to others in meaningful ways.
Let’s take a closer look at rejection and examine whether someone is a dumper or a dumpee in the divorce process. These two terms were coined by divorce expert Dr. Bruce Fisher in his groundbreaking book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. Fisher writes, “Dumpers are the partners who leave the relationship, and they often feel considerable guilt; dumpees are the partners who want to hang on to the relationship, and they often experience strong feelings of rejection.”
It’s important to remember that the roles of dumper and dumpee aren’t always clearly defined and that sometimes they can be reversed. For instance, a partner might be told by their spouse that their marriage is over, and then they decide to file for divorce. Surprisingly, it’s not always the dumper who files for divorce. Sometimes the dumpee simply gets tired of waiting and takes this bold step as a way to take charge of their life.
When you think about it, aren’t guilt and rejection two sides of the same coin when it comes to emotions after divorce? It makes sense that a partner who decides to terminate the marriage would experience more guilt, while the person who is left would suffer from feelings of rejection. Notice the difference in their priorities. The dumper typically focuses on personal growth and will say things like ,”I have to find myself.” On the other hand, dumpees usually express a desire to work on the relationship and will say things like, “Just tell me what you want me to change and I’ll work on it.”
Although it’s not an exact science, we might expect that roughly the same amount of people would identify themselves as the person who was left (dumpee) as the one who decided to leave (dumper). However, in a small percentage of divorces, people say their divorce was mutual. In these cases, it’s normal to feel both guilty and rejected at times.
Here are six ways to heal from feelings of rejection:
Accept the fact that it’s normal or typical to have emotional reactions to the ending of a relationship. They’ve probably been there all along (in your marriage) and are simply intensified during and after the divorce process.
Acknowledge that all relationships end due to breakup or death. Just because your marriage is over, it doesn’t mean you’re inadequate or inferior — or there’s something wrong with you. Give yourself a break.
Work on self-love. You are a worthwhile person who doesn’t have to let the end of your love relationship define your self-worth. No person can complete you.
Accept that feeling rejected is an expected part of the ending of a marriage and it takes time to heal. Discover that relationships are our teachers.
Adopt a mindset of getting to know yourself better. Stay open to new experiences, hobbies, or interests that you couldn’t pursue with your partner.
Cultivate supportive relationships. Being with people who accept and support you can help ease feeling of rejection. Get energized by the possibilities ahead for you.
In closing, looking at how feelings of rejection that may be impacting your behavior can help you gain a healthier viewpoint. Are you neglecting your health, interests, family, or friends due to grieving the loss of your marriage? Consulting a counselor, support group, or divorce coach may help to facilitate healing. A person whose marriage ended due to their spouse making a decision to end the relationship must fight against falling prey to a victim mentality and take care of themselves. Lastly, developing a mindset that you don’t have to be defined by your divorce experience can help you to heal and move forward with your life.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/how-to-heal-from-feeling-_b_4387963.html
