How to avoid relationship mistakes when dating after a divorce

Does the idea of dating after divorce arouse the same dread as does a root canal? Are you trying to get back into the dating scene but don’t know how or are scared that you will attract the wrong person? Well, have no fear. Here is some after divorce dating advice to help you jump back into the dating deepend before you know it!

Do

Do understand why your last relationship failed

Following divorce, it’s only natural to have cold feet when it comes to finding a new flame. Whether conscious of it or not, divorce leaves most people scared of getting burned again. And there’s good reason for fear. What’s to say you won’t make the same mistakes again? If you want to prevent your next relationship from going down in flames, it’s vital to understand the reasons why your last relationship went up in smoke. With clarity comes the courage to jump again into the dating pool -- and attract your true Mr. or Ms. right this time around.

Do take notice of your repetitive mate selection patterns

Most of us have been emotionally injured during our “de-formative years.” It is these old scars from childhood that drive us to choose partners who emotionally resemble the parents who injured us so that we can recreate our old scars; not because we’re gluttons for punishment--but because we secretly hope to achieve a happy ending this time around. If our partners bring us the emotional goodies that we didn’t receive from our parents, our old scars will finally feel healed.

Sadly, this plan rarely works, precisely because our partners are limited and damaged in the exact ways that our parents were--meaning they can’t give us any better treatment than our parents did. Awareness of our old scars enables us to make a more conscious choice this time around, and head-off unnecessary heartache.

Do choose a partner who will give you your happy ending

After identifying your old scar, your next task is to become conscious of what your happy ending is. Hint: Your happy ending is the kind of treatment that you always dreamed of receiving from the parent who let you down. Your quest for this happy ending is your blueprint for your next relationship. So, for example, if you had a father who paid no attention to you, look for a partner who is present and attentive to you. The bottom line: This time around you want to choose a partner who will feed rather than frustrate your deepest needs.

Do interview candidates and be highly selective

The only way to determine if someone is right for you is to do your homework. Dating homework consists of asking lots of questions and observing your intended’s actions over time. With both eyes open, you want to be looking for a partner who is similar to you in all the areas that count, including financial, sexual, political and religious values. The more similar you both are, the more compatible you are. And, above all, you want to ensure that the person isn’t like the parent (or your ex) who let you down. Doing your due diligence is the key to preventing a repeat performance of the heartache that you experienced in your first family and in your relationship with your ex.

Do be authentic

Thirty-five percent of all new marriages are the result of online dating. But, with online dating, it’s easy to present a false mask. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University found that 80 percent of online daters lie about their age, height, and weight. So be careful! Don’t take another person’s profile at face value. Keep one eyebrow raised until you can verify the other person’s honesty. And, when it comes to presenting yourself, remember: If you paint a false picture of yourself, you’re painting yourself into a corner! And you can’t undo lies and omissions.

Besides, the more authentic you are the better your chances of attracting the right partner for you. The idea is to give a snapshot of your personality, tastes, and interests without oversharing. So you probably don’t want to talk about your recurring IBS, but you do want to offer pertinent details that will help potential partners know who you are and what you’re into.

Don't

Do not choose a partner who hates his/her mother or father

If your date is like most of the world, he/she may be looking to replay unfinished business with a parent using you as the emotional punching bag. Your bottom line is this: If someone has an ax to grind with his/her parents, run for the hills, because it won’t be long before that ax swings in your direction.

Do not choose a partner who’s a project

When you find yourself drawn to someone who’s damaged goods, that’s your warning sign that you’re on the verge of repeating old scars. Trying to fix damaged partners is an unconscious attempt to fix our parents in the hope of achieving our happy ending. If this is your case, step back from dating until your old scar is healed. Then and only then will you be ready to find a healthy relationship rather than a partner who’s a project. Remember: The way to spell heartache? Choose a partner who’s a project!

Do not delay meeting in person

If you’re new to the dating scene, or you’ve been burned and are recovering from a messy breakup or divorce, you probably won’t feel comfortable rushing an in-person meeting. But beware: Anonymous, faceless conversations play a trick on your mind, allowing you to develop an intimacy without really knowing the other person. In other words, that guy or lady becomes a blank screen you can project your fantasies onto—enabling that person to become anyone you want. Keep that going too long, and you may fall in love with a phantom. Be wary of prolonged email exchanges and never-ending phone calls and meet in person asap.

Do not choose a person who refuses to take ownership

When “interviewing” dates as candidates for a possible relationship, listen carefully to what your date says about past failed relationships. If that person blames everything on the ex and takes no responsibility for his/her role in the demise of past relationships, grab your marbles and go home! Otherwise, you will soon be losing your marbles when you find yourself on the receiving end of that person’s blame.

Do not settle

After a breakup or divorce, our self-esteems can be lower than pond scum. In this state, we don’t feel desirable, which can make us come across as desperate and needy. When our self-esteems are flying at half mast, we are at risk of settling for someone who isn’t right for us or even attracting a dating deadbeat. So, before reentering the dating scene, make sure to raise your personal net worth and you will raise the odds of attracting your Mr. or Ms. Right!

Summary

Reentering the dating scene is a wonderful opportunity to set yourself free from the childhood emotional demons that haunt our adult relationships. The key to freedom is consciousness: Know your old scars and consciously choose a partner who will bring you healing rather than heartache.

Source: https://expertbeacon.com/how-avoid-relationship-mistakes-when-dating-after-divorce/#.WMFcexicalM

Developing Co-Parenting Plans

The organisation of cooperative parenting schedules.

A co-parenting plan is a written document that outlines how parents will raise their children after separation or divorce. Developed with the best interests of children in mind, a co-parenting plan details how much time children will spend time with each parent, scheduling details, how major and minor decisions about children will be made, exchanges of information and ongoing communicate about the children, children’s extra-curricular activities, and how parental disputes will be resolved. A written plan will help all family members to know what is expected of them and will be a valuable reference as time passes and family circumstances change.

There are numerous formats and templates for developing a co-parenting plan, but the key to successful co-parenting is to focus on the needs of the children, particularly their need to maintain routine relationships with each parent and to be shielded from ongoing parental conflict. There is no one “best” co-parenting plan that families should adopt and follow, as much depends on the unique circumstances and specific needs of family members. Some of the key issues that have to be addressed when putting together a parenting plan include the ages of the children and their developmental needs, the children’s school schedules and extracurricular activities, the parents’ work schedules, scheduling for holidays and summer vacations, the distance of the parents’ homes from each other, and any special needs of the children (such as disabilities or health concerns). Most often, it is best for a parenting plan to be as specific as possible. For example, with both routine weekly/monthly schedules, as well as specific holiday schedules, the exact times for pickup and return of the children, as well as where the exchange will take place (at a parent’s home or in a neutral location, for instance), need to be spelled out in detail. Of course, if parents are able to accommodate each other comfortably, they may not need to follow the parenting plan to the letter, but in the majority of cases, where there is some degree of friction, specificity is important.

In my own practice, I focus parent on five main dimensions of co-parenting, three time dimensions and two aspects of decision-making.  These will constitute the heart of the final parenting plan. Time dimensions include (1) overnight stays (how many will there be with each parent?); (2) routine time (the actual time the child and parent spend together in the daily routines of caretaking and parenting); and (3) activity time (time spent together in recreational and special activities). Difficulties are likely to arise if one parent has little activity time but the main responsibility for routine time, or vice-versa, or if all overnights are with only one parent.  It is also important to separate out the school year, holidays, and special days and observances for each of these time dimensions. Parental decision-making includes (1) daily decisions made in the course of daily child-rearing; and (2) major decisions (including schooling, religious affiliation and training, and major medical decisions). Again, a plan in which one parent has power to make major decisions without any responsibility for day-to-day decisions can be highly problematic.

How best to begin the process of formulating a co-parenting plan? One possibility is for each of the parents to draft a proposal with respect to the five dimensions of post-divorce parenting, and then come together to compare the lists and begin to negotiate. Another option is to have each parent work through a time survey—for example, outlining what a typical week would look like when the child is living with them, and then come together in mediation to compare their lists.  This kind of exercise helps parents consider what will be involved in parenting as separate entities, think about their strengths and deficiencies as caretakers, and identify the skills they will need to be able to carry through their co-parenting plan.

While parenting plans take many forms, it is important to include the following five clauses in the written agreement:

(1) A general statement to begin the agreement: The parents will cooperatively share the parenting of the children, with co-parenting defined as having two core elements:  shared responsibility for important decision-making as well as the daily routine parenting of the children, and parental cooperation with respect to same.  This includes respect for one another's parenting style and authority; that is, parents agree to say or do nothing that will harm the relationship of the other parent with their children.  A helpful clause to include in this section is, "The parents agree to foster love and affection between their children and the other parent."

(2) Sharing of parental responsibilities: The parents agree to confer on all important matters affecting the welfare of the children, including education, health, and religious upbringing.  They agree that each will have access to medical and school records. There should also be a clause saying that day-to-day decisions are the responsibility of the parent with whom the child is living.

(3) The specifics of the actual time-sharing and residential arrangement: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(4) Details regarding holidays and special days and observances: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(5) The agreement time period, and amendments to the agreement: End with a clause indicating the length of the agreement, and that the plan will be reexamined at a later fixed time, or from time to time.  If no revisions are deemed necessary after the agreed time period, the agreement is automatically renewable.  A clause specifying the manner in which parents will settle disputed issues in the future, with an emphasis on cooperation and a return to mediation if necessary, is also essential.

Explicit guidelines for co- parenting can be developed at the time the co-parenting plan is drafted.  These may include: respect the other's parenting rules; avoid criticizing the other parent, directly or indirectly;  avoid placing a child in the middle of an argument or using a child as a messenger;  stick to the time-sharing schedule and keep promises, but also be flexible in a way that meets the children's and the other parent's needs (try to accommodate the other parent's request for changes, but the other parent should remember that even small changes to the schedule that occur with little forewarning can cause major problems);  make transitions as comfortable as possible for the child (be positive about the child's stay with the other parent;  be courteous with the other parent;  once the child settles back in, let her talk freely about the other parent or the other home);  and respect each other's privacy (keep contacts and communications restricted to set times, and to child-related matters).

While the co-parenting plan should usually be highly structured at the beginning, over time, flexibility, creativity, and compromise should be encouraged.  Changes to the plan over time are inevitable; parenting arrangements will require reevaluation and change over time, based on children's changing developmental needs and the parents' own changing circumstances.

Contingency planning sets the stage for needed future changes.  Potential obstacles and areas of conflict regarding parenting can be anticipated; issues such as changing job demands, relocation, and how to deal with children's changing developmental needs need to be discussed.  Remarriage or cohabitation and stepfamily formation may affect co-parenting in a significant way, as the problem of mistrust often reemerges when new members join the family

Once a co-parenting plan has been negotiated and drafted, it should be implemented for a specified trial period, anywhere between 6-12 months.  At the end of the trial period, the plan is reviewed and made permanent, modified, or abandoned.  It is important to know that the plan you initially negotiate is not irrevocable.

Establishing a routine and an environment conducive to children's adaptation to the new co-parenting arrangement are critical tasks for both parents.  Children are generally anxious to know the specifics of their new routine, and the predictability of a clear schedule facilitates adaptation.  They also prefer to develop a sense of "belonging" in both of  their parents’ homes, and will adapt more easily if they have a place of their own in each house, which they have helped in creating.  Other important considerations include deciding on children's items that need to be duplicated (toothbrushes, nightclothes, school supplies, diapers and baby supplies for infants), those that are divided between the two homes (shoes and clothing apportioned in measure with how much time is spent in each residence, toys, books), and those that will go back and forth between the two homes (cherished toys,  bicycles, musical instruments).

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201510/developing-co-parenting-plans

Divorce Recovery & Your Ticket to Divorce Purgatory: A Summary of the 7 Deadly Mindset Sins to Avoid

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Wayne Dyer

"Mind over matter." It means how we think about an issue can have a significant influence in how we deal with that issue.

This innocuous phrase is nothing more than a general, feel-good aphorism - unless it is armed with specific, issue-related targets.

And, that's what we have here: Seven specific, issue-related targets that require you to choose between focusing on the past versus looking to the future.

The perspective you choose will materially affect the success of both getting uncoupled (that is, divorced), as well as recovering from your divorce.

Unfortunately, more often than not, we automatically look at divorce and the divorce recovery process through the lens of a painful past and can only see how frightening the unknown future life after divorce appears to be.

This is where the offer of a mindset shift can save you from years of unnecessary pain.

SEVEN SPECIFIC DIVORCE-RELATED MINDSET ISSUES

Issue 1. Divorce as a Problem to be Solved or a Person to Be Punished?

Do you see divorce recovery as presenting a series of problems to be solved? Or does it present you with a series of opportunities to take revenge on your ex?

Issue 2. Would You Rather Be Right or Be Happy?

If you had to choose, would you rather be happy? Or would you rather be right? There are no slam-dunk winners in divorce. Are you willing to let being happy be enough? What's truly more important to you: living a future of happiness or spending your life justifying the "rightness" of your past actions and reactions?

Issue 3. Divorce: Calamity or a Do-Over?

Do you see your divorce as a tragedy or as the gift of another chance to realize happiness and fulfillment? Are you excited at the opportunity to "start over," but now with the newly gained wisdom earned from your divorce?

Issue 4. Is the Divorce Decree a Personal Affront or an Invitation to Happiness and Contentment?

Do you see the judge's opinion in the final decree as a disastrous personal indignity, or as an invitation to experience great new things? No one likes all the aspects of a divorce decree. Can you treat the decree as an example of "what is," or do you prefer to see it as a loss of "what could have, or even should have, been?"

Issue 5. The Divorce Kaleidoscope: A Broken Picture of the Past or New Way to See Your World?

If you looked at your divorce through the eyes of a kaleidoscope, do you see an exciting new way to observe your future, or do you see a broken picture of how life used to be?

Issue 6. Divorce as a Life Event or Divorce as a Way of Life?

Do you see your divorce as just an event, albeit a traumatic one, in your life? Or, is your divorce a way of life that reflects how you think about yourself and defines who you are?

Issue 7. Do You Look in the Mirror to Remember the Past or Keep Your Eye on the Prize?

Are you willing to keep your eye on the prize: happiness and contentment in the next chapter of your life? Or does divorce provide an opportunity to relive the past and feel sorry for yourself? After the initial disappointment has passed, where will you put your energy? On a hopeful future or an unpleasant past?

FOCUS ON PAST OR FUTURE?

Each of the seven mindset issues presents a choice between holding on to the past versus looking to the future. Living in the past prepares a place of torment for you. Rather than accelerating through your recovery, you end up stalled on the side of the road in divorce purgatory with only your intimate nightmares of divorce to keep you company. The bottom line? The choice is yours, and yours alone.

ACTION STEPS

What to think: happiness and contentment are only a shift in mindset away.

What to feel: relief that you don't have to carry the past along with you 24/7.
What to do: reframe your memories of bad divorce experiences into visions of good for the future.

Warning: Just because it sounds simple to do doesn't mean it is easy.

Experiencing the death of a relationship is traumatic. Plus, embarking on life after a relationship dies carries with it the fear of an unknown future. I call this cluster of trauma and fear the "pain of divorce." In a nutshell, I end the pain. See http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/ for a full explanation of how the BeFree Divorce Recovery Program can speed up your recovery process.

Want to see how well you are handling the stress of your breakup? Fill in this short, free survey (http://smoothdivorcerecovery.com/landing-page-divorce-recovery-stress-inventory/) to find out how you compare with over 500 others who have gone before you.

Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Jerald_Young,_Ph.D./85188

9 Ways to Actually Adopt the Better Habits You Know Will Help You Succeed

Every year, we set goals for ourselves, often called resolutions. What we actually envision is a brighter future, brought about by the desired change in our daily routine or habits. You may want to lose weight, increase your client base or stop smoking. This means you have to alter an existing behavior and insert a new one in its place.

Change is always difficult, but it can be done, with a little bit of willpower. Try these simple steps to get you on track to better habits.

1. Decide what is important and why.

What is your motivation for wanting to develop a new habit? Will it improve your life? Envision the outcome if you don’t make the change. Then decide how you are going to make the change. If you want more clients, make more contacts; if you want to get more done in the day, get up an hour earlier; if you want to be healthier, instill an exercise regimen into the daily routine. Set a goal and then give yourself a timeline to complete it.

2. Make the habit reasonable.

If a new habit is too difficult to maintain, mostly likely it will fall by the wayside. Choose a realistic new habit that you desire and know you can accomplish. Start small, like cutting back on the number of cups of coffee you drink each day, or making one lunch date a week with a potential referral source.

3. Choose one habit at a time.

Trying to change several habits at once is too much for anyone. Instead, concentrate on one behavioral change until it becomes routine, then add a second one. If you’re overwhelmed by too many changes, you most likely won’t accomplish any of them.

4. Give yourself time.

It takes time to change a habit. According to a study by University College London health psychology professor Phillippa Lally, it takes more than two months, or 66 days, for a new habit to take hold.

5. Don’t expect perfection.

You’re bound to slip up one or more times as you work your way towards your new behavior. Be patient with yourself and accept the slip. Then recommit to the new habit.

6. Engage others.

Being held accountable for a new behavior is a solid way to reinforce the behavior. Tell others what you’re trying to do, and let them help if they offer. Don’t get angry if they remind you of your goal now and again. This may be just what you need to stay on track. You may even motivate them to make some goals too.

7. Be consistent.

Consistency is the key to establishing a new habit. Do the same thing day after day to set it firmly in your mind and routine. If possible, set a schedule for the new behavior, and stick to it. Be accountable, either by tracking the new habit on a chart or interfacing with others.

8. Replace a bad habit with a good one.

To ditch a bad habit, try replacing it with a better one. If your desk features a candy jar, replace the contents with healthy snacks, like nuts. Or if you like to stay up late watching TV, read in bed instead.

9. Build in a reward.

Set a standard of behavior and offer yourself a reward at the end of 30 or 60 days. But make sure the reward does not include the old behavior. For example, don’t celebrate with a big meal if your new habit it eating less at lunchtime.

Stick with your goal and you’ll accomplish the changes you desire. In the words of American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn, “Success is a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.”

Source:https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/270701

In Praise of Gratitude

Expressing thanks may be one of the simplest ways to feel better.

The Thanksgiving holiday began, as the name implies, when the colonists gave thanks for their survival and for a good harvest. So perhaps November is a good time to review the mental health benefits of gratitude — and to consider some advice about how to cultivate this state of mind.

The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word gratia, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness (depending on the context). In some ways gratitude encompasses all of these meanings. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. In the process, people usually recognize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, gratitude also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals — whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.

In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.

People feel and express gratitude in multiple ways. They can apply it to the past (retrieving positive memories and being thankful for elements of childhood or past blessings), the present (not taking good fortune for granted as it comes), and the future (maintaining a hopeful and optimistic attitude). Regardless of the inherent or current level of someone's gratitude, it's a quality that individuals can successfully cultivate further.

Research on gratitude

Two psychologists, Dr. Robert A. Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Dr. Michael E. McCullough of the University of Miami, have done much of the research on gratitude. In one study, they asked all participants to write a few sentences each week, focusing on particular topics.

One group wrote about things they were grateful for that had occurred during the week. A second group wrote about daily irritations or things that had displeased them, and the third wrote about events that had affected them (with no emphasis on them being positive or negative). After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation.

Another leading researcher in this field, Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, tested the impact of various positive psychology interventions on 411 people, each compared with a control assignment of writing about early memories. When their week's assignment was to write and personally deliver a letter of gratitude to someone who had never been properly thanked for his or her kindness, participants immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness scores. This impact was greater than that from any other intervention, with benefits lasting for a month.

Of course, studies such as this one cannot prove cause and effect. But most of the studies published on this topic support an association between gratitude and an individual's well-being.

Other studies have looked at how gratitude can improve relationships. For example, a study of couples found that individuals who took time to express gratitude for their partner not only felt more positive toward the other person but also felt more comfortable expressing concerns about their relationship.

Managers who remember to say "thank you" to people who work for them may find that those employees feel motivated to work harder. Researchers at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania randomly divided university fund-raisers into two groups. One group made phone calls to solicit alumni donations in the same way they always had. The second group — assigned to work on a different day — received a pep talk from the director of annual giving, who told the fund-raisers she was grateful for their efforts. During the following week, the university employees who heard her message of gratitude made 50% more fund-raising calls than those who did not.

There are some notable exceptions to the generally positive results in research on gratitude. One study found that middle-aged divorced women who kept gratitude journals were no more satisfied with their lives than those who did not. Another study found that children and adolescents who wrote and delivered a thank-you letter to someone who made a difference in their lives may have made the other person happier — but did not improve their own well-being. This finding suggests that gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity.

Ways to cultivate gratitude

Gratitude is a way for people to appreciate what they have instead of always reaching for something new in the hopes it will make them happier, or thinking they can't feel satisfied until every physical and material need is met. Gratitude helps people refocus on what they have instead of what they lack. And, although it may feel contrived at first, this mental state grows stronger with use and practice.

Here are some ways to cultivate gratitude on a regular basis.

Write a thank-you note. You can make yourself happier and nurture your relationship with another person by writing a thank-you letter expressing your enjoyment and appreciation of that person's impact on your life. Send it, or better yet, deliver and read it in person if possible. Make a habit of sending at least one gratitude letter a month. Once in a while, write one to yourself.

Thank someone mentally. No time to write? It may help just to think about someone who has done something nice for you, and mentally thank the individual.

Keep a gratitude journal. Make it a habit to write down or share with a loved one thoughts about the gifts you've received each day.

Count your blessings. Pick a time every week to sit down and write about your blessings — reflecting on what went right or what you are grateful for. Sometimes it helps to pick a number — such as three to five things — that you will identify each week. As you write, be specific and think about the sensations you felt when something good happened to you.

Pray. People who are religious can use prayer to cultivate gratitude.

Meditate. Mindfulness meditation involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. Although people often focus on a word or phrase (such as "peace"), it is also possible to focus on what you're grateful for (the warmth of the sun, a pleasant sound, etc.).

Source: http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude

Emmons RA, et al. "Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Feb. 2003): Vol. 84, No. 2, pp. 377–89.

Grant AM, et al. "A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (June 2010): Vol. 98, No. 6, pp. 946–55.

Lambert NM, et al. "Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Leads to More Relationship Maintenance Behavior," Emotion (Feb. 2011): Vol. 11, No. 1, pp. 52–60.

Sansone RA, et al. "Gratitude and Well Being: The Benefits of Appreciation," Psychiatry (Nov. 2010): Vol. 7, No. 11, pp. 18–22.

Seligman MEP, et al. "Empirical Validation of Interventions," American Psychologist (July–Aug. 2005): Vol. 60, No. 1, pp. 410–21.

How to Actually Make the Law Of Attraction Work For You

The Law of Attraction is based on the principle that all matter is made up of pure energy, which is in a constant state of vibration and spin.

The LOA implies that thoughts and emotions are also energy, each having a unique energy signature. Every energetic frequency is in a constant state of attraction or repulsion with all others. With the recent emergence of quantum mechanics, this notion has been largely supported at a micro level.

The Law of Attraction states that “like attracts like,” and we are in a constant state of creating our reality through the energy we emit in the form of thoughts and emotion. We continuously interact with the fabric of reality (or quantum field), through thought and emotional energy, and whatever we focus on is likely to manifest. We are each creators of our own reality, and what we put out is what we will attract.

3 Things You Need to Know First

1. A key factor missing from the LOA is that we are creating on both a conscious and subconscious level. This accounts for the seeming contradiction between “opposites attract” and the major principle of LOA, “like attracts like.” 

We are still attracting the part of the whole that has been splintered and repressed into the subconscious mind. Basically, the actively repressed traits within ourselves are still charged, and this suppressed energy is also a point of attraction. Until we acknowledge and integrate it, it will still play a role in the creation of our external reality.

2. Our belief systems alter our manifestation process. If you want to manifest $10,000 in one week, but your underlying beliefs are largely identified with a state of lack, you will only manifest more lack.

This is because Law of Attraction works with both thought and emotion, and if you try to think your way into something that you don’t believe, your emotional reaction will support your unconscious beliefs more than your conscious thoughts. 

If you try to affirm, “I will be abundant,” but don’t believe it, those beliefs will surface via an emotional response that insinuates the opposite feeling. At that point, you are literally putting the gas and the breaks on at the same time, making manifestation very difficult.

One great tip to overcome this, as stated by Abraham Hicks, is to “start general, and then get specific” with your manifestation process. Start with what you can believe, and continue to expand as you see evidence of your manifestations taking place. This allows your thoughts and emotions to be in resonance rather than dissonance.

3. We are always manifesting according to our highest values. Renowned behavioral development specialist Dr. DeMartini (who was also featured in The Secret) discovered that we all have an inherent set of values that is largely governing our behavior. DeMartini is quoted as saying, “All of our actions are strategies to align with our values as efficiently as possible,” along with, “all of our positive and negative emotions are feedback as to whether or not we are living in our highest values.” Essentially, the things we value the most filter our perception at a subconscious level. They are governing the way that we manifest, and the reasons we do.

This is why, for example, someone might set a new year’s resolution to lose weight and never achieve their goal. If one of their highest values is social connection, their unconscious will perceive that taking the time to exercise and eat right actually conflicts with the time they would rather be spending at social events with others.

The trick, then, is to change your perception by tying in how exercise and diet actually support your high value on social connection. For example, you might feel more confident meeting new people when you are healthy and strong. Or you can approach it from the other end by tying your value into your goal. In this case, you could try to engage your value of social connection by going to the gym or to nutrition classes with your close friends.

What You Need to Know During Active Manifestation

These are some useful tips if you are meditating on your vision, or practicing visualization.

Clear your mind. To speed up the process of manifestation, presence and focus are key. If your attention is scattered, your manifestation will be too. Write down on paper whatever is bothering you, and vow to leave it outside of your visualization. This will help you stay present.

Open your heart for the process. Connect with the feeling of gratitude as you begin. This can be done by writing a short gratitude list, or by thinking of people/events that you are truly grateful for.

According to the HeartMath Institute, “The heart generates an electromagnetic field roughly 60 times greater in amplitude than brainwaves do.” This field is measured by an electrocardiogram (ECG), and brainwaves were measured using an electroencephalogram (EEG) during these findings. The heart is a major point of attraction. 

Be clear. The law of attraction is described as a law. This means it responds to everything, without exception. If you are mixed in your emotions or vision, it will slow the process. The clearer and more detailed you are, the faster your vision will come to life.

Engage your senses. Did you know that the brain can’t actually tell the difference between experience and visualization? This is why visualization is so useful for athletes. This principle applies directly to the LOA. What do you see, hear, smell, touch, and feel when you have arrived at your vision? Feel each sense distinctly, and don’t be afraid to sit with each one individually.

Engage emotion. This is how to charge your vision. Emotions are the driving force behind manifestation.

Align your intention with your values. Tie what you want to manifest into your highest values. More simply put, make sure you can see how your goals support the things that matter most to you in life. This will help you manifest congruently from both the conscious and subconscious mind.

Don’t be desperate. Try to imagine that you are gently requesting. If you are being needy or desperate in your request, you are coming directly from an emotional space of lack. The emotional feeling of lack will counteract your thought-energy, and you are more likely to stagnate.

What You Need to Know After

Take action. Taking action will create momentum, while also building evidence towards creating the belief that your manifestation is unfolding.

Act as if it has already happened. “I AM” is a creative, powerful phrase. If you conduct your behavior as the person you have already become, you are more energetically aligned with your goal.

Be aware of your internal dialogue. Remember, you are in a constant state of attracting or repulsing what it is that you want to achieve. Your internal dialogue is always creating a point of attraction, along with the emotional reactions it produces. Be congruent!

Allow! You must fully release your vision in order for it to manifest. If you are too attached to it, your need for control can actually stunt the process. Faith and belief in the process are key. It can be helpful to think in terms of being at a restaurant. Once you’ve placed your order, you have to give it time to be cooked up and served to you!

We are all creators, and we all deserve to live an inspired life. The Law of Attraction is a beautiful tool that enables us to consciously put our creative powers to use! In the words of George Bernard Shaw, “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.”

Source: http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/06/26/how-to-actually-make-the-law-of-attraction-work-for-you/

3 Ways to Reboot Your Failing New Year's Resolutions

If you've already stopped trying to reach that goal you set a few weeks ago, how important was it to you to begin with?

Most resolutions for the New Year die in February.

That’s according to research and media reports, which state that a staggering 80 percent of personal goals will be abandoned by the second week of this month.

Entrepreneurs are not immune to this phenomenon. Many successful business owners subscribe to the idea of management by objective (MBO), which is based on goal setting and achieving results -- not dissimilar to the concept of New Year’s resolutions.

However, the truth is that despite their best efforts and intentions, entrepreneurs don't always achieve their business goals. If you're part of that 80 percent statistic, or can relate to it, New York Times bestselling author, productivity expert and executive coach Dan Miller says transforming failure into success is often, and literally, a matter of time. 

"One of the biggest reasons for various types of failures that I hear from clients and executive coaches I train is that they don't have enough time," said Miller. "But whether you're Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet, we all have 168 hours to fill each week. A critical key to success is deciding in advance how you'll spend those hours. Consider that every successful business has a budget that allocates specific dollars for specific use. We have to apply the same intention to our time. Every week dedicate specific time blocks for specific use and don't be distracted. You'll be amazed at what you can get done."

In addition to his dogged time management advice, Miller offers the following actionable tips based on his 30 plus years experience as a trainer of trainers, to help you get back on track if you happened to fail at any personal resolutions or business goals for this young year.

Related: The 4 Golden Rules of Millionaire Time Management

1. Revisit your goals.

Miller says something is misaligned if you've lost track or interest of a goal so soon after setting it. 

"It's important to honestly assess if that goal really was your own to begin with or merely something you were trying to achieve to meet someone else's expectations or for some other reason. The truth is that if you don't believe in a personal or professional objective, it's much harder to achieve, but you have to be honest with yourself about that," he said.

Related: The Tim Ferriss Approach to Setting Goals: Rig the Game so You Win

2. Know your "why".

Many entrepreneurs are motivated by the desire for financial freedom and to make a lot of money, but Miller says that's not enough of a reason.

"Making money is not a great goal for any of us because it's a very temporary and fleeting feeling once a financial objective is met -- trust me in that regard. There has to be a reason behind that to make the goal meaningful, sustainable and worthwhile. There are plenty of millionaires out there who are unhappy and unfulfilled because they don't know their 'why'," said Miller.

He explains that to help determine your "why" begin asking yourself why you're trying to accomplish a specific goal and then repeat the line of "why" questioning a total of five times to get to the underlying reason. It's highly possible it's a reason which you might not have previously recognized or addressed.

"If that underlying reason is not meaningful, sustainable or worthwhile it might be time to reevaluate and come up with another rationale because having a big why will drive big goals," he said.

Related: Why Discovering Your 'Why' Is the No. 1 Business Move

3. Effectively marshal your inner resources.

According to Miller one of the greatest ways to achieve your objectives is having the ability to apply the right skills to the right problem at the right time.

"One of the defining characteristics of an entrepreneur is that they have a lot of different skills, abilities and ideas. While those are great to have, they are not enough. To effectively achieve objectives those skills, abilities and ideas need to be shaped and transformed with direction and intention into something meaningful," said Miller.

With those three tips, it's time to resolve to reboot your business objectives---or maybe a failed New Year's resolution or two.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/288881