Highly Optimistic People Do These 10 Things

We all know a person or two who always see the sunny side of life. These people are happy, outgoing, vivacious, energetic, and full of spunk and spirit. They look for the positive in every situation. They have a clear head and an open heart. Their glass is always half-full, maybe even, overflowing. Their lives revolve around the good things that they do, the good thoughts that they think, and the good things that they choose to see.

An increasing number of scientific studies and independent research has shown that optimistic people have better mental and physical health. Optimistic people tend to live longer, overcome difficulties faster, manage stress better, have lower rates of depression, and focus more on their true purpose in life. Overall, the studies behind the benefits of being optimistic prove that it pays great dividends to develop a positive outlook on life.

The world would be so grateful if it had more optimistic people in it. So, let’s start developing some habits that will move us in that direction:

Smile often.

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself and your life on the inside. It also helps to attract more positive people to you. Wear a smile like a badge of honor. When we smile, we create the type of environment we want to live in and work in. Smiling releases tension and frustration, it helps us to think about tough situations differently, and it loosens up our face so other people will feel comfortable around us. On the other hand, frowning or looking sad all the time, attracts negative energy and negative people to us. It makes difficult situations more difficult and our lives harder to manage.

Be thankful.

Appreciate the good things and good people that come into your life. Express your appreciation with words and deeds. If you’re not grateful for what you have in life, you will not get more. At the same time, we should also be grateful for the bad things in life, and even for the difficult people that come into our lives. These things are given to us to make us stronger, wiser, brighter, and better people. Be thankful for the good and the bad in every situation because all of it helps guide us to live brilliant lives. That’s the whole point of being optimistic.

Laugh a lot.

The Bible got it right: “Laughter is like medicine.” Some things in life are serious, and those things should be taken seriously. But some things are just down right funny. Some things are so stupid that they’re funny. Some of the things we do, the mistakes we make, the mindless behavior, is funny. Learn to open up and laugh. Have a ball laughing at yourself, at other people (seriously, some people are funny), at silly things, at serious things. Come on, don’t be stuck up and take everything so seriously. Don’t take yourself seriously either. You can get through the tough times of life much easier if you learn to laugh. Life is like a cake. The serious stuff is on the inside, but it’s covered over in icing so you can’t see it.

Take responsibility.

So often, people blame their past, their family, their environment, and even third parties who don’t know them, such as the government, for their problems. Blaming people for what you alone can change will only make you sadder and depressed. People who take responsibility for the choices that they make, by default, live happier lives. When you accept who you are and realize that what you do is under no one else’s control but yours, you will begin to see optimism rise in your life. You are in control of you. No one can block your sunshine or hinder you from success unless you let them.

Listen.

When we truly listen to other people, we are saying by our behavior that we are confident and secure within ourselves to be open to what other people have to say. We don’t know everything. When we open our minds and ears, we allow more knowledge and wisdom to come in and resonate with us instead of blocking out the good ideas and thoughts of others. When we know what we know and at the same time are willing to listen to what other people know, we attract more of the good stuff that we desire in life. Not only should we listen to positive people, but we should listen to God, to our conscience, and to the often silent cry of those who are poor, desperate, and without hope.

Show kindness.

Those who have a bright outlook on life are better equipped to handle the not so fortunate situations of other people. They can often bring a positive view to a negative situation and show the person going through it a different way out. Optimistic people see what can be done when other people don’t and can’t see it. These people shine a candle for others. They light the path so that others can follow in it. They step out, take a little child’s hand in theirs and help to make that child’s life better. They fight for those who are weak and they dream for those who can’t or won’t dream for themselves.

Forgive.

Okay, sure, forgiveness is easier said than done. But unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person who needs to be forgiven. People are not perfect; they disappoint, they make mistakes, they say things that they shouldn’t, and do things that they know will hurt. But you can never move forward if you’re always holding grudges against people who hurt you in the past. Let stuff go. Cancel out the debt of hurt and pain. Bad experiences and hurtful people do not define us. Forgive. Even if they don’t ask for it, forgive them anyway. 
Optimistic people don’t let past hurts hinder their present progress. Forgiveness always leads to freedom.

Do your thing.

Positive people are insanely in love with what they do. They know who they are, they know what their gifts and talents are, and they are crazily happy to wake up and make things happen. Their purpose is the fuel that propels them forward to climb higher and to do bigger and better things in life. They are undeterred by roadblocks and setbacks. They see every day as an exciting challenge. They live in the moment and are passionate about the possibilities of greatness that lie within them. At the same time, positive people are able to encourage and appreciate the gifts and talents of others. They are not envious or jealous of the success of other people. Why? They don’t have time to because they are too busy being successful themselves.

Think positively.

When we think of a hospital, we often think of all the people who are sick or dying, the needles that must be inserted, the blood that must be drawn, the skin that must be grafted, the leg that must be amputated, the heart that must be replaced, and the kidney that must be transplanted. Sure, all of these things and more must be done. But rarely do we think about the baby that is being delivered, the organ being donated, the brain tumor that has been removed, the cancer that has been caught early, the medicine that has done its job, and the lives that are being saved. See, when we start to visualize the good things that come from bad situations, we open up our minds to see the wonderful things waiting to be seen. The sun continues to shine even when it’s raining. There is always a rainbow waiting to burst forth after the rain. Optimistic people always see the good, the positive, the sunshine, the rainbow. If we think we can, we can. It takes more energy to worry about what can’t be done then it does to work on what can be done. Positive thinking people don’t live in Pollyanna land, but they do realistically see the world and life in a forward manner. They are able to deal with the tough stuff and at the same time attract more of the good stuff to their lives. Life is not left up to chance, it is left up to our choices. We often hear people say, “It is what it is.” Really? No. It is what you make it.

Be inspiring.

You can’t live your life to yourself. That’s selfish. Live openly. Let other people be inspired by what you do. Be a person who creates things for other people to enjoy. Few people write books, but millions read them. Few people sing songs, but millions listen to them. Few people know how to give good advice, but millions follow them. The world needs inspiring people, creative people, awesome people. Be one of them.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniella-whyte/highly-optimistic-people-_b_9803338.html

Parenting would be so much easier if my husband and I got divorced

“I think we should get a divorce,” I said, as I thought about what it would be like to sit for more than 30 seconds without listening to a mini-tyrant shouting demands.

“What?” my husband replied, while wrestling a shirt onto our son. Confusion, possibly laced with irritation, settled in the wrinkles near the middle of his forehead.

“A divorce. It would guarantee a break for both of us at least every other weekend. Or more. Think about it.”

“You’re crazy.”

Maybe, but I wasn’t entirely joking. My divorced friends have more time to themselves now than they ever did while married. They have a contractual, court-ordered decree that guarantees them four days (or more) every month without children … or a spouse. It sounds like some sort of Tahitian getaway. Where do I sign up?

I love my kids, but raising two spirited children under the age of 5 leaves very little downtime. I’m on my feet the second they open their eyes and for the 15 hours that follow. Grappling matches over everything from who owns a broken Dory toy to who gets the sliver of crust from my turkey sandwich are hourly occurrences.

Divorce would give me at least a day or two to sleep in, clear my head and recover from the parenting marathon I run most days. There would no objections or surprises, because I’d have an official paper that states: “It’s your turn. I’m off this weekend.”

Even when my husband and I are both home, it’s exhausting. They say it takes a village, but at our house, it takes a tag team jacked up on Red Bull and 12 shots of espresso. Even those wear off before the kids wear down, and at 7 p.m. — the period we call “the storm before the calm” — both kids catch a second wind and turn the marathon into a sprint. We put on happy faces, but at that point, we’re both running on fumes.

My husband doesn’t work a typical 40-hour schedule. It’s not unusual for him to leave at 7:30 a.m. and arrive home well after the kids have gone to bed. In many ways, I’m like a single parent. On the days he is home, there’s life to catch up on: yard work, bills, grocery shopping, excursions with the kids. We don’t have time for ourselves, together or alone.
We also don’t have family nearby who can bail us out or fill in on the occasional date night. Given that our kids are a handful, we don’t trust a random babysitter. If they push us to the brink of throwing on some sneakers and taking off like Forrest Gump, imagine someone who is not bonded by blood, or love, watching them for a few hours. The risk is not worth the reward.

Our options are limited, and divorce seems to have some benefits. And I’m not being silly or selfish.

According to a study published in the journal Demography, happiness has a scientific correlation with being a parent. The study revealed that before having kids and during pregnancy, people were pretty darn happy. After? Not so much. Parenthood surpassed other major life events, such as divorce and unemployment, in causing drops on the happiness scale. Maybe if more parents had a chance to catch their breath, the real smiles would return. I can vouch for that.

Research also shows that divorce is not all that devastating for most children. Sure, it comes with some consequences and a huge adjustment period, but overall, kids bounce back. A 20-year study conducted by psychologist Constance Ahrons, and published in her book “We’re Still Family,” showed that about 80 percent of children of divorce adapt well and have no lasting negative effects on their grades, social lives or mental health.
Child-development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb analyzed thousands of studies conducted over the past four decades. He concluded that children do well when their parents or caregivers get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.

So where does that leave parents, like me, who are in desperate need of a break? Ending the marriage could be the answer. Debunking the long-standing belief that divorce does not make people happier, a recent study suggests that while it can be difficult, it’s well worth it for some individuals.

While I’m desperate for a little me time, I don’t think I’m one of those people. Despite feeling somewhat envious of happy divorcées, I’m committed to my husband and children. I don’t need a divorce; I need a break. And there are better ways to get some time alone. (If only the bedroom closet offered room service.)

A few days ago, my husband asked, “Were you serious about getting a divorce?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders as the kids spun around my feet.

While I’ve toyed with the idea of the every-other-weekend divorce vacation, I’m married for the long haul. I owe it to myself, my husband and the kids. But on the off chance that I decide to don sneakers and long, rogue chin hairs, I won’t be trekking across the country. If I run away, I’m heading for Tahiti.

Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/03/02/parenting-would-be-so-much-easier-if-my-husband-and-i-got-divorced/?utm_term=.5cae95711b3d

How to avoid relationship mistakes when dating after a divorce

Does the idea of dating after divorce arouse the same dread as does a root canal? Are you trying to get back into the dating scene but don’t know how or are scared that you will attract the wrong person? Well, have no fear. Here is some after divorce dating advice to help you jump back into the dating deepend before you know it!

Do

Do understand why your last relationship failed

Following divorce, it’s only natural to have cold feet when it comes to finding a new flame. Whether conscious of it or not, divorce leaves most people scared of getting burned again. And there’s good reason for fear. What’s to say you won’t make the same mistakes again? If you want to prevent your next relationship from going down in flames, it’s vital to understand the reasons why your last relationship went up in smoke. With clarity comes the courage to jump again into the dating pool -- and attract your true Mr. or Ms. right this time around.

Do take notice of your repetitive mate selection patterns

Most of us have been emotionally injured during our “de-formative years.” It is these old scars from childhood that drive us to choose partners who emotionally resemble the parents who injured us so that we can recreate our old scars; not because we’re gluttons for punishment--but because we secretly hope to achieve a happy ending this time around. If our partners bring us the emotional goodies that we didn’t receive from our parents, our old scars will finally feel healed.

Sadly, this plan rarely works, precisely because our partners are limited and damaged in the exact ways that our parents were--meaning they can’t give us any better treatment than our parents did. Awareness of our old scars enables us to make a more conscious choice this time around, and head-off unnecessary heartache.

Do choose a partner who will give you your happy ending

After identifying your old scar, your next task is to become conscious of what your happy ending is. Hint: Your happy ending is the kind of treatment that you always dreamed of receiving from the parent who let you down. Your quest for this happy ending is your blueprint for your next relationship. So, for example, if you had a father who paid no attention to you, look for a partner who is present and attentive to you. The bottom line: This time around you want to choose a partner who will feed rather than frustrate your deepest needs.

Do interview candidates and be highly selective

The only way to determine if someone is right for you is to do your homework. Dating homework consists of asking lots of questions and observing your intended’s actions over time. With both eyes open, you want to be looking for a partner who is similar to you in all the areas that count, including financial, sexual, political and religious values. The more similar you both are, the more compatible you are. And, above all, you want to ensure that the person isn’t like the parent (or your ex) who let you down. Doing your due diligence is the key to preventing a repeat performance of the heartache that you experienced in your first family and in your relationship with your ex.

Do be authentic

Thirty-five percent of all new marriages are the result of online dating. But, with online dating, it’s easy to present a false mask. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University found that 80 percent of online daters lie about their age, height, and weight. So be careful! Don’t take another person’s profile at face value. Keep one eyebrow raised until you can verify the other person’s honesty. And, when it comes to presenting yourself, remember: If you paint a false picture of yourself, you’re painting yourself into a corner! And you can’t undo lies and omissions.

Besides, the more authentic you are the better your chances of attracting the right partner for you. The idea is to give a snapshot of your personality, tastes, and interests without oversharing. So you probably don’t want to talk about your recurring IBS, but you do want to offer pertinent details that will help potential partners know who you are and what you’re into.

Don't

Do not choose a partner who hates his/her mother or father

If your date is like most of the world, he/she may be looking to replay unfinished business with a parent using you as the emotional punching bag. Your bottom line is this: If someone has an ax to grind with his/her parents, run for the hills, because it won’t be long before that ax swings in your direction.

Do not choose a partner who’s a project

When you find yourself drawn to someone who’s damaged goods, that’s your warning sign that you’re on the verge of repeating old scars. Trying to fix damaged partners is an unconscious attempt to fix our parents in the hope of achieving our happy ending. If this is your case, step back from dating until your old scar is healed. Then and only then will you be ready to find a healthy relationship rather than a partner who’s a project. Remember: The way to spell heartache? Choose a partner who’s a project!

Do not delay meeting in person

If you’re new to the dating scene, or you’ve been burned and are recovering from a messy breakup or divorce, you probably won’t feel comfortable rushing an in-person meeting. But beware: Anonymous, faceless conversations play a trick on your mind, allowing you to develop an intimacy without really knowing the other person. In other words, that guy or lady becomes a blank screen you can project your fantasies onto—enabling that person to become anyone you want. Keep that going too long, and you may fall in love with a phantom. Be wary of prolonged email exchanges and never-ending phone calls and meet in person asap.

Do not choose a person who refuses to take ownership

When “interviewing” dates as candidates for a possible relationship, listen carefully to what your date says about past failed relationships. If that person blames everything on the ex and takes no responsibility for his/her role in the demise of past relationships, grab your marbles and go home! Otherwise, you will soon be losing your marbles when you find yourself on the receiving end of that person’s blame.

Do not settle

After a breakup or divorce, our self-esteems can be lower than pond scum. In this state, we don’t feel desirable, which can make us come across as desperate and needy. When our self-esteems are flying at half mast, we are at risk of settling for someone who isn’t right for us or even attracting a dating deadbeat. So, before reentering the dating scene, make sure to raise your personal net worth and you will raise the odds of attracting your Mr. or Ms. Right!

Summary

Reentering the dating scene is a wonderful opportunity to set yourself free from the childhood emotional demons that haunt our adult relationships. The key to freedom is consciousness: Know your old scars and consciously choose a partner who will bring you healing rather than heartache.

Source: https://expertbeacon.com/how-avoid-relationship-mistakes-when-dating-after-divorce/#.WMFcexicalM

Developing Co-Parenting Plans

The organisation of cooperative parenting schedules.

A co-parenting plan is a written document that outlines how parents will raise their children after separation or divorce. Developed with the best interests of children in mind, a co-parenting plan details how much time children will spend time with each parent, scheduling details, how major and minor decisions about children will be made, exchanges of information and ongoing communicate about the children, children’s extra-curricular activities, and how parental disputes will be resolved. A written plan will help all family members to know what is expected of them and will be a valuable reference as time passes and family circumstances change.

There are numerous formats and templates for developing a co-parenting plan, but the key to successful co-parenting is to focus on the needs of the children, particularly their need to maintain routine relationships with each parent and to be shielded from ongoing parental conflict. There is no one “best” co-parenting plan that families should adopt and follow, as much depends on the unique circumstances and specific needs of family members. Some of the key issues that have to be addressed when putting together a parenting plan include the ages of the children and their developmental needs, the children’s school schedules and extracurricular activities, the parents’ work schedules, scheduling for holidays and summer vacations, the distance of the parents’ homes from each other, and any special needs of the children (such as disabilities or health concerns). Most often, it is best for a parenting plan to be as specific as possible. For example, with both routine weekly/monthly schedules, as well as specific holiday schedules, the exact times for pickup and return of the children, as well as where the exchange will take place (at a parent’s home or in a neutral location, for instance), need to be spelled out in detail. Of course, if parents are able to accommodate each other comfortably, they may not need to follow the parenting plan to the letter, but in the majority of cases, where there is some degree of friction, specificity is important.

In my own practice, I focus parent on five main dimensions of co-parenting, three time dimensions and two aspects of decision-making.  These will constitute the heart of the final parenting plan. Time dimensions include (1) overnight stays (how many will there be with each parent?); (2) routine time (the actual time the child and parent spend together in the daily routines of caretaking and parenting); and (3) activity time (time spent together in recreational and special activities). Difficulties are likely to arise if one parent has little activity time but the main responsibility for routine time, or vice-versa, or if all overnights are with only one parent.  It is also important to separate out the school year, holidays, and special days and observances for each of these time dimensions. Parental decision-making includes (1) daily decisions made in the course of daily child-rearing; and (2) major decisions (including schooling, religious affiliation and training, and major medical decisions). Again, a plan in which one parent has power to make major decisions without any responsibility for day-to-day decisions can be highly problematic.

How best to begin the process of formulating a co-parenting plan? One possibility is for each of the parents to draft a proposal with respect to the five dimensions of post-divorce parenting, and then come together to compare the lists and begin to negotiate. Another option is to have each parent work through a time survey—for example, outlining what a typical week would look like when the child is living with them, and then come together in mediation to compare their lists.  This kind of exercise helps parents consider what will be involved in parenting as separate entities, think about their strengths and deficiencies as caretakers, and identify the skills they will need to be able to carry through their co-parenting plan.

While parenting plans take many forms, it is important to include the following five clauses in the written agreement:

(1) A general statement to begin the agreement: The parents will cooperatively share the parenting of the children, with co-parenting defined as having two core elements:  shared responsibility for important decision-making as well as the daily routine parenting of the children, and parental cooperation with respect to same.  This includes respect for one another's parenting style and authority; that is, parents agree to say or do nothing that will harm the relationship of the other parent with their children.  A helpful clause to include in this section is, "The parents agree to foster love and affection between their children and the other parent."

(2) Sharing of parental responsibilities: The parents agree to confer on all important matters affecting the welfare of the children, including education, health, and religious upbringing.  They agree that each will have access to medical and school records. There should also be a clause saying that day-to-day decisions are the responsibility of the parent with whom the child is living.

(3) The specifics of the actual time-sharing and residential arrangement: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(4) Details regarding holidays and special days and observances: This includes overnight stays, routine time, and activity time.

(5) The agreement time period, and amendments to the agreement: End with a clause indicating the length of the agreement, and that the plan will be reexamined at a later fixed time, or from time to time.  If no revisions are deemed necessary after the agreed time period, the agreement is automatically renewable.  A clause specifying the manner in which parents will settle disputed issues in the future, with an emphasis on cooperation and a return to mediation if necessary, is also essential.

Explicit guidelines for co- parenting can be developed at the time the co-parenting plan is drafted.  These may include: respect the other's parenting rules; avoid criticizing the other parent, directly or indirectly;  avoid placing a child in the middle of an argument or using a child as a messenger;  stick to the time-sharing schedule and keep promises, but also be flexible in a way that meets the children's and the other parent's needs (try to accommodate the other parent's request for changes, but the other parent should remember that even small changes to the schedule that occur with little forewarning can cause major problems);  make transitions as comfortable as possible for the child (be positive about the child's stay with the other parent;  be courteous with the other parent;  once the child settles back in, let her talk freely about the other parent or the other home);  and respect each other's privacy (keep contacts and communications restricted to set times, and to child-related matters).

While the co-parenting plan should usually be highly structured at the beginning, over time, flexibility, creativity, and compromise should be encouraged.  Changes to the plan over time are inevitable; parenting arrangements will require reevaluation and change over time, based on children's changing developmental needs and the parents' own changing circumstances.

Contingency planning sets the stage for needed future changes.  Potential obstacles and areas of conflict regarding parenting can be anticipated; issues such as changing job demands, relocation, and how to deal with children's changing developmental needs need to be discussed.  Remarriage or cohabitation and stepfamily formation may affect co-parenting in a significant way, as the problem of mistrust often reemerges when new members join the family

Once a co-parenting plan has been negotiated and drafted, it should be implemented for a specified trial period, anywhere between 6-12 months.  At the end of the trial period, the plan is reviewed and made permanent, modified, or abandoned.  It is important to know that the plan you initially negotiate is not irrevocable.

Establishing a routine and an environment conducive to children's adaptation to the new co-parenting arrangement are critical tasks for both parents.  Children are generally anxious to know the specifics of their new routine, and the predictability of a clear schedule facilitates adaptation.  They also prefer to develop a sense of "belonging" in both of  their parents’ homes, and will adapt more easily if they have a place of their own in each house, which they have helped in creating.  Other important considerations include deciding on children's items that need to be duplicated (toothbrushes, nightclothes, school supplies, diapers and baby supplies for infants), those that are divided between the two homes (shoes and clothing apportioned in measure with how much time is spent in each residence, toys, books), and those that will go back and forth between the two homes (cherished toys,  bicycles, musical instruments).

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201510/developing-co-parenting-plans

Essential Requirements to Maintain Emotional Maturity in Divorce

It is not unreasonable to expect a certain level of emotional maturity, from both parties before, during and after divorce.

Two adults entered the marriage, two adults are divorcing.

In order to maintain as least a minimum of civility and respect, especially when children are involved, emotional maturity is crucial.

Be an adult.

Emotional maturity is comprised of many things and varies with individual perspectives. However, during the divorce process, the following are essential:

Take responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions. Emotions are running high, everyone is hurting. What you do and say in this situation matters. The repercussions of hurtful, negative words and actions will continue to ripple for years. Be mindful.

Own your part in the marriage and the divorce. This isn’t the time for outward blaming or playing the victim. Maybe things were unfair. Maybe things didn’t work out as you had hoped. It is over now. Own your part of it. It takes two to tango.

Stop wallowing in negative emotions. Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., author of My Stroke of Insight, documented the biological time-span of an emotion as 90 seconds. What you do after those 90 seconds is up to you. Challenge your beliefs to see how they match up with reality. If you need help, get help. Don’t take your negative feelings out on others.

Avoid using “you” statements.

Respond, don’t react. Negotiate, don’t argue. Be wise, not defensive. Divorce isn’t about winning or losing, right or wrong. The marriage is over, pointing fingers, keeping score, tattle telling…there is no place for it.

Try to see the bigger picture. Step back from your ego self and negative judgment.

Release the need for comparison. Both of you are disappointed, hurting and grieving.

Strive for acceptance and compassion. The choice is yours to grow from this experience or let it define you.

Apologize when necessary. Not the “I’m sorry, but…” kind of apology either. Apologize and mean it. “I apologize. What I did/said was wrong and hurtful. I wish I could take it all back but know I can’t. I will try my hardest to not let this happen again. I hope you can forgive me. I am sorry.”

Be an adult.

Your children will thank you.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/maintaining-emotional-maturity-divorce-mdrk/

If You’re Still Angry with Your Ex, Read This

Long-gestating anger will never allow you to move forward emotionally. Instead, you are hanging on to someone that hurt you in a powerful way and your emotions are still too raw for you to do anything but linger in the past.

This will not be an article about the importance and power of forgiveness. I’ve already written about my issues with that philosophy. What I will talk about, however, is the responsibility you have to yourself and your children when it comes to managing anger issues towards your ex.

Responsibility is an interesting word. By definition, it means “a state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.” Is it your duty to deal with any anger that you may have towards your ex? Do you have an obligation or duty to raise and protect your children? I ask both of these question in full realization that anger towards your ex may be justified, especially if there was abuse, infidelity, abandonment or neglect of any kind. These are serious infractions. Unfortunately, the seriousness does not negate your responsibilities.

There is another question that comes to mind in this topical space. What is yourresponse ability? For your ex, it was likely lacking. Perhaps they lacked the ability to respond to frustrations in a mature and respectful manner and it led to verbal abuse. When temptation tapped them on the shoulder, they may have been the type to tap it back and disrespect you in the process. For them, responsibility and response ability were a bridge too far.

You are not them, however. As well, you are no longer with them. This already demonstrates a response ability on your part to teach people how to treat you. You also ensured that your children would not grow up watching a failed marriage play out in front of them. This is a responsibility that both parents have and yet you proved to be the role model that did the right thing. Great response ability on your part.

Without context to your situation, I, nor anyone else, can judge the validity of your anger. However, how you respond to that anger is what’s important. Do you control it or do you let it control you? When we let anger take over, there are several unintended consequences, a couple of which I would like to lay out here.

Anger unhinged will leave bodies in its wake. You may make rash decisions out of anger for your ex; decisions that negatively affect loved ones.

Samantha’s son Nathan really wants to switch weekends so that he could go on a fishing trip with his father (Rick). Samantha is still angry at Rick and is having a difficult time not letting her anger affect her decision. Nathan may suffer.

Erin has lingering anger issues with Ted. Her friends and family hear about it all the time and it puts a strain on conversations and relationships. In some cases, good friends have become complicated acquaintances.

You will never fully move forward as an individual. You and your ex have both moved on, at least physically. But long-gestating anger will never allow you to move forward emotionally. Instead, you are hanging on to someone that hurt you in a powerful way and your emotions are still too raw for you to do anything but linger in the past.

Once you are able to move past the anger, you will be able to begin channeling your emotions to a healthier, more personal journey of rediscovery and self-fulfillment. For every minute that you spend holding onto the past, that is one less minute you are moving forward.

Responsibility and response ability. Two things that you can decide to co-mingle or segregate. We all have responsibilities but not all of us have the response ability. There’s you, your children, your family, your friends, and your ex. Who within the many of these peeps deserves the least amount of your mental attention pointed in their direction? I think we both know the answer to this question.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/if-youre-still-angry-with-your-ex-read-this-dg/

Divorcing a Mentally Ill Spouse

Divorcing a mentally ill spouse can be a tedious, dangerous process or it can be a relatively streamlined, routine legal proceeding. The spectrum of mental illness is so wide that it can mean a variety of things.

Mental Illness

Mental illness can mean many different things, but the basic idea is that the person suffering from mental illness has some form of psychopathology that makes his mind work differently from other people. Generally, the difference in brain function is detrimental to the person and may make it difficult to function in varying degrees. Some people suffer from mental illness that never gets diagnosed while others are diagnosed and treated with psychotherapy, medications, or a combination of both.

Whether you are divorcing a mentally ill spouse as a result of the effects the mental illness had on your relationship, or if you do not realize that psychopathology exists until after you try to leave, the stress involved with a divorce can be enough to make the effects of the mental illness increase. For example, a person who suffers intermittently from episodes of depression may wind up in a severely depressed state and perhaps even suicidal as the result of a spouse initiating a divorce.

Personal Responsibility

You may be the person closest to your soon-to-be-ex spouse, but this does not mean that you are completely responsible for what happens as a result of his mental illness. Simply put, if initiating a divorce results in the mentally ill spouse hurting himself, it is important to remember that this is not the fault of the spouse who initiated the divorce.

Mentally ill people may make irrational decisions when placed under stress, but their actions are not your responsibility. Some mentally ill people will use their mental illness as way to keep spouses around, such as in "If you were to ever leave me, I just don't know what I would do." The point is this: Unless you deliberately set out to emotionally hurt your mentally ill spouse, and in turn this results in your spouse hurting himself, it is not your fault and you should not stay hostage in a marriage out of fear that your spouse will hurt himself or someone else.

Divorcing a Mentally Ill Spouse Carefully

Take care when divorcing a spouse who has aggression issues or who is prone to delusions as a result of mental illness. In a situation where you feel threatened by the mentally ill spouse, seek out a safe place to stay and take all of the precautions possible to protect yourself.

Keep documentation of every statement or encounter that makes you feel threatened. This information may be useful if you need to request a restraining order or some other form of legal action against the mentally ill spouse. Also keep in mind that serious mental illness may compel an otherwise rational person to do things that are incredibly uncharacteristic. For example, a man who is usually kind and gentle - yet who is prone to dissociative rages that he does not remember afterwards - should be dealt with cautiously.

Serious cases of mental illness may need to involve temporary hospitalization for treatment. Until the divorce is final, you may be the person who has the authority to request this.
Compassion and Patience

People do not choose to be mentally ill. Many people with serious psychopathologies feel trapped and frustrated by their circumstances. Instead of dismissing your soon-to-be ex-spouse as "crazy," try to deal with her as compassionately as possible, just as you would if she had a chronic health problem that leaves her in pain on a regular basis.

You do not have to stay married to someone just because she has a mental illness, but the process of divorcing someone with mental illness can prove to be a little more complicated than divorcing someone who does not have these mental issues.

Source: http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorcing_a_Mentally_Ill_Spouse

Seven Ways to Thrive After Divorce

How to Enjoy Life After Divorce

Just went through a divorce? Well, the period after divorce can be challenging as well. Guest blogger, Joan Winberg has some great pointers to help you thrive after your divorce. She has a program to offer as well.

After divorce is a very challenging and overwhelming time in a person’s life.

It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that no one wants to ride alone. It is also hard to adjust to being single again, as well as living “out of the habit” of being married, especially if you have been married for many, many years.

To move your life forward, it has to start by focusing on yourself. Use this precious opportunity to rediscover who you are. Think of this time in your life as an adventure to explore the real you.

Take a deep breath and let’s get started and say… Will the Real Me Please Stand Up!

1) Treasure Your Magnificence
Realizing you are born with “gold nuggets” is a hard concept for many people to believe about themselves. Think about how magnificent you really are! Over time, you might have forgotten your unique gifts and are only thinking of what you don’t like about yourself or your life. Set a new intention, starting today, to list all of your great qualities and read that list every day. Keep reading it until you believe it. Examples: beautiful smile, kindness, generosity, loving, caring, intelligent… keep going. Your list is endless, when you start focusing on your great qualities. Allow yourself to see the shining gold within. It’s already there!

2) Ten minutes a day can make a difference
During and after a divorce it is common to have the feeling of grieving, similar to that of the loss of someone. Many people feel the need to stay busy to keep their minds off of this stressful time. To be the best you can be for yourself and your children, it’s important to remember that you deserve to do something special for yourself every day, even if only for 10 minutes. It can be as simple as taking a walk or reading a book with your favorite cup of tea. Give yourself permission. The happier you are, the happier your family will be!

3) Learn to let go
Holding onto regrets and bitterness will only keep your life from moving forward. Is your inner voice working overtime with all the “what ifs” and “if onlys”? This is normal for a period of time, but ask yourself… are these thoughts serving me or helping me feel better? Will thinking about them over and over again change anything? To move your life forward, it is important to acknowledge your feelings and to learn from your past experiences to prepare yourself for the next exciting chapter of your life. Yes, there is life after divorce. Learn to let it go! Just, let it go!

4) Lighten-up
Life after divorce usually means added responsibilities. If you are a single parent or are now the one responsible for the once shared to-do list, how do you handle it all without being totally stressed out? To start, learn to laugh more, especially at yourself. Learn to let things go and not take life so seriously. Lighten-up!

Learn to live in the present moment. Living in the present is where all the “good stuff” in life happens. Yesterday’s worries are gone forever and tomorrow’s to-do list can wait. Think of it this way, when one is missing this moment in time, one is missing out on one’s life.
So how do we live in the present?

If you are feeling stressed, immediately leave your thoughts in your head and take off your blinders. (Blinders similar to what a horse would wear, not allowing it to see from side to side). Start to look around you. I mean really look around you. Look closely at everything. Really focus. Use all your senses! For example, if you are with your children observe them. Cherish their smiles. Give them a hug. See the true beauty of who they are and appreciate them for being a part of your life. You will start to feel your stress subside and a feeling of peace sweep over you.

To be present, no matter where you are, use all your senses to pull yourself back into the moment. Take time to appreciate all the beauty that already exists around you. You only have to be present to see it!

5) What Makes You Truly Happy?
What really matters to you? What do you feel is your true purpose in life? If someone asked you that question, how would you answer them?

Why is it so important to be clear on what your life’s purpose is? Knowing your purpose, will give you a true sense of who you are and how you are supposed to make a difference in the world. It gives your life direction and helps you make clear and easy decisions concerning that direction. It’s your compass!

Without a purpose, can your life be compared to a piece of driftwood floating endlessly in whichever direction the tide decides to take it and ending up on any beach with no will of its’ own.

When you live your life based on your purpose you are living in integrity with yourself and are in alignment of who you really are in all aspects of your life - body, mind and spirit. Take this time to focus on what really matters to you. Feel the true passions that exist in your heart and write them down.

6) What Are Your Vibes Saying About You?
Are you familiar with the Law of Attraction? Maybe you have heard the expressions, “What you think about, you bring about” or “The more attention you give to something, the more attention it will give to you.” As mentioned, when going through a divorce, your emotions can be compared to a roller coaster ride. Use this time to become reconnected to your inner awareness of who you are. Learn to be still to understand the emotions you are feeling.

To get started, check in with yourself to recognize if your feelings are of low (negative) energy or of high (positive) energy.

A few examples of low energy that will keep you stuck are stress, fear, resentment, and a sense of lack (lack of time or money). Examples of high energy that will move your life forward are joy, abundance, happy, love and compassion.

If you are having feelings of low energy, how can you help yourself shift to feel more of the high energy?

One way to help yourself shift is to be thankful for what IS working in your life right now. By focusing on the positive, you will start to feel yourself shift to the higher energy instantly.

7) Be True To Yourself
During and even after a divorce, we are often filled with doubts. We question ourselves about what is right, what to do or how we feel. Should I or shouldn’t I?

It seems difficult to make a decision. Listen to your heart. What feels right? What doesn’t feel quite right? If a situation does not feel right, honor your resistance by pausing or waiting. Sometimes waiting is the best thing to do. By waiting you may have allowed the situation to unfold more easily without having to worry!

If a decision feels right, usually that means you are heading in the right direction. When we listen to our hearts, we are in integrity with ourselves. When we are in integrity with ourselves, we learn to say NO more easily.

Has this ever happened to you? You are asked to be on a committee or to volunteer for something and you say “yes”, even though you know it will make your schedule even tighter or you really don’t want to?

How do you stop this from happening? Next time you are in this situation and you are ready to say yes … STOP! Take a breath or even take a step back (this action will prevent you from saying yes). Pause! Thank the person for thinking of you, but let them know you will have to check your calendar and get back to them. When you do have time to think about it, focus on how you are feeling. Are you excited to participate or do you feel some resistance? If in a day or two you are still feeling doubtful, realize the timing may not be right. If you are feeling excited, say “yes” and have fun!

In summary:
Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step.

To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life. Why do it alone?

Are any of the following concerns keeping you awake at night or distracting from your everyday routine?

- Will I always feel this lonely?
- I can't seem to get out of my own way. I feel stuck. I need help setting goals for my new life.
- I need to find a new career or go back to work, but what do I really want to do? I've lost my purpose in life!
- How do I deal with stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed as a single parent on a daily basis?
- Dating again? How do I get start? How do I attract the "love of my life" into my life?
If you have any of these concerns, don’t wait or rely on chance that your life will get back on track or that will you feel happy again after divorce. A good plan for action can make a big difference. And, it’s tough to do it alone.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201309/seven-ways-thrive-after-divorce

Divorce Recovery: Releasing the Toxic Emotions

The way to recover and thrive after divorce is simple: Until you can release the toxic emotions surrounding your divorce, it is impossible for you to move forward in life and be happy. It takes enormous commitment and effort, but it can be achieved. If you want to lead a new life that is both fulfilling and happy, you must let go of the negative emotions and thoughts that hold you back from creating a life you love. And guess what else? Who do you suppose pays the biggest price when it comes to toxic emotions? You.

During the divorce process, the negative emotions that you were already experiencing in your marriage go haywire. During times of crisis, our world appears to crumble, and with it, our concept of who we are. Our mind chatter turns up the volume to deafening levels. We question everything. We feel emotions so intense that we often wonder if we will survive them. Anger, sadness, depression, rage, grief, resentment, bitterness, and confusion are some of the feelings that hit us.

Once a divorce is finalized, we find ourselves attempting to adjust to a new way of life that is often lonely and frightening. The negative emotions are still there, and perhaps worse, as we face the harsh reality that we are indeed divorced and on our own. Even if we are the one who initiated the divorce, it is still a brave new world. If we spend our days tied up in thoughts and feelings that disempower us, there is no clear path to the future.

We may find ourselves ruminating about our situation throughout the day. That time spent on the mind chatter based in negative feelings eats up time that we could be spent working on a new life. Think about it. If I spend hours during the day consumed with thoughts of resentment and hatred toward my ex, I don't have time for other more productive thoughts and actions to arise. There is only so much room up there in the head. If we use up all our space with negativity, we have no room for the much needed positive thoughts.

The destructive mind chatter will permeate every aspect of our being. When we are residing in a perspective or attitude that life is not fair, then everything that goes on during the day will support that perspective. If we are living in the perspective that our ex is a terrible person, then everything that he or she says and does will support that idea. It spreads throughout our lives like a cancer.

Trust me, you are the one who pays the biggest price. You suffer the most. It is you who is giving up on life, who is consumed with thoughts that cause stress, sadness, depression, and paralysis. It is you who becomes a person that few want to be around. It is you who is setting a poor example for the children. It is you who cannot move forward and is mired in the past, a past that is destined to repeat itself under the present conditions.

How then do we learn to let go of these toxic emotions and thoughts? Here is a way to begin the journey to a future filled with all that you want:

1. Understand that you are the sacrificial lamb on the altar of life. You have this one precious life to live, and you have the choice to make it great or miserable. What will it be?
2. No one other than yourself is responsible for your life, your divorce or your marriage for that matter. This is one of the most difficult things to get your mind around, but it is true. Unless you accept responsibility for yourself and everything you see in your life, then you will continue to blame others and give away your power. If you were to be totally honest with yourself, you would probably see how you played an equal part in the collapse of your marriage. Even if you are the so-called dumpee, there were two people in this marriage and no one person is solely at fault. You may believe that your ex was a bully and a tyrant and you were an innocent victim, but guess what? You allowed it. You were co-dependent; you empowered your ex in ways you may not even recognize at this point in time.And if you are really honest and willing to do the inner work necessary to move on, you will see that who you were in the marriage is who you have been all along. Unresolved emotional issues from your past colored your marriage. If you had a bad relationship with your father and he made you feel worthless, you may go looking for a Father as a mate, which is not the basis for a successful marriage.
3. To see outer change, you must first do the inner work. In order to rid yourself of the same reactive, ingrained responses from your past, you have to do the inner work of personal growth. You must conquer the demons of mind chatter that run you. You must learn what has been holding you back from living your best life, being happy and successful. Whether you work with a therapist or a life coach doesn't matter. Just do it!
4. It is during the times of the most intense pain and transition that we learn the lessons we need to learn and grow as a human being. When we are challenged is when we learn deep lessons. When we learn deep lessons, we grow as a human being. It is easy to handle life in good times, but it is when things get rough that our true character has the chance to emerge if we allow it. Again, it becomes your choice and your choice alone as to how you will handle this life transition. You alone will choose to go forward or live in the past. Once again I ask you... what will you do with this one precious life you have?
5. Everything that has happened to you has happened for a reason. If you believe that there are no reasons for what happens in life, then you will see no reasons for this divorce and you may stay stuck where you are right now. If, on the other hand, you believe that everything in our lives happens for a reason; that life is not random; that all the events we have experienced have moved us forward and in turn force us to evolve as a human being; that our purpose will reveal itself to us through these life lessons, then you can see that this divorce is a tremendous opportunity to go inside and do the inner work that will cause you to transform as a human being. You will also have a much easier time of letting go.
6. It is not so much what happens to us in life; it is how we handle what happens that counts. Things will always happen in life, some good and some bad. That's just life. Accepting that fact shows you that you have a choice to choose how you will handle things. You can choose to sit in resentment and bitterness and suffer as a result, or you can choose to call upon your higher self that resides within and leap into the future as a better person.
7. Learn acceptance of what is versus what you think should be. Very important point. Have you truly accepted reality for what it truly is, or are you still walking around in a world of should-be's? You know -- I should be married, I should have more support, I shouldn't be suffering, life should be fair, etc., etc., etc. The sooner you learn to accept things as they are, the sooner you will be able to make real choices on how you want to live your life.
8. The meanings we add to what happens to us are not the facts. Our interpretations of life dictate our future. There are the facts of life and our personal interpretations of those facts. We add meaning where often there is no other meaning than the fact itself. For example, my husband is cold and heartless. That means that I have failed to elicit his warmth and therefore I am a failure in this marriage. That is just your interpretation. The fact remains that your husband is a cold person, which is based on his past and not yours and over which you have no control. Watch carefully how you choose to interpret reality. It will make all the difference in the world for you.
9. Try separating the facts from the drama. Oh, the drama of it all. He left me for no reason, he is a cad, I have suffered such abuse, he is causing me such unhappiness, and this marriage was so destructive to me. Facts? He left because the marriage was not working and no one was happy, I am not an overly happy person to begin with, the destructive marriage is over and the future is available to me if I am willing to let go of the past. Do yourself a big favor and separate fact from drama.
10. Don't let the mind chatter run the show, because you will forever stay stuck. Learn to disempower the mind chatter by not responding to it. Hear it, notice it, and thank it for sharing and them move on. Don't argue with it or attempt a logical conversation. Mind chatter loves the status quo and abhors change so when change is in the air it will get very loud.
11. Learn to forgive. Forgiveness is not condoning bad behavior, it is simply forgiving it. If you're capable of forgiveness, then you are capable of letting go of toxic emotions. Look at the other person and see their inner child, much like your own. Separate their behavior from that inner child, and it is much easier to forgive.
12. Fall in love with yourself, warts and all. Honor everything about you. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Get your friends to tell you what they love about you. Now look at the things that you think are not so hot about yourself. Have they allowed you to do certain things that enhance you? Can you simply see that they are all a part of you? Can you see that you can also work to soften the edges? You are a totally unique individual who will never be around again. You have a gift to give the world that is yours and yours alone.
13. You have control over one thing and one thing alone in this life... yourself. Did you try to change your ex during your marriage? Did it work? The only person you can change is yourself. The only thing you can control in life is yourself. It is who you are being that will impact those around you most intensely and that is when you may see some changes. Work on yourself and forget about working on the ex. People change because they want to, not because you want them to. You will change because you want a better life.

So what will it be? Are you willing to do the work that needs to be done in order to live a great life? Are you willing to learn to let go of the past so you can live in the present and create the future? The best way to predict the future is to invent it, you know!

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/divorce-recovery-releasing-the-toxic-emotions

5 Things I Learned About Love After My Divorce

I traveled a rough road during my mid-30s. I never thought I’d get divorced at 32. But when confronted with losing myself in an unhealthy partnership or making a clean break, I realized I had only one option.

I felt horrible afterward. So naturally I plunged into another relationship to soothe the pain, but this relationship wasn't healthy, either. For four years, we broke up and got back together — over and over again.

My heart cracked into a thousand pieces. But I let the opening transform me. I discovered that suffering can prove a powerful agent for growth and personal development. And I emerged at nearly 40 a wiser, more compassionate, more grounded and happier person.

Here are a few of the lessons I learned during that time, and they're lessons that may help lead you to love and happiness.

1. Embrace fear in any way you can.

In my 20s, my greatest fear was being divorced and childless at 35. I pitied women in that position who wanted to have families. I could smell the cold sweat of their desperation.
Then it happened to me.

I was terrified. For a while, I carried that scent of panic with me. I worried that I would wind up a crazy cat lady, alone and unhinged.

So I walked straight into my fear. I turned my story around and chose to view my freedom as a gift rather than a curse. I did yoga teacher training, became a life coach, dove deeper into my writing, and learned to surf. I traveled to Costa Rica — where, it so happens, I met the love of my life and future husband.

It turned out that getting tossed headfirst into the crashing waves of my fear wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to me — it was the best. It taught me that most of my fears were irrational projections of what might happen in the future. The reality of my present was filled with loving friends and family, and exciting opportunities.

2. Make loneliness one of your friends.

I used to get shaky at the thought of spending time alone, especially without distractions. So I tackled that fear by heading off on my first 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat (then my second, then a third…).

This was the best piece of self-work I have ever done for myself. Seriously, I think I accomplished more by sitting quietly on a meditation cushion than I did in several years of therapy.

I calmed the chatter of my monkey brain. I got in touch with my higher self, who told me that everything was OK exactly as it was. I learned to accept things as they are.

3. Stand up and accept responsibility.

I could have blamed my divorce on my ex-husband. Sure, he had some pretty ridiculous ideas of what our marriage should look like. But what good would analyzing his flaws do me? I’m stuck with me for the rest of my life!

Through psychotherapy, spiritual books and self-analysis, I came to take responsibility for the role I played in the failure of my marriage. I recognized my naiveté, my willingness to compromise my values and my tendency to be judgmental. These were qualities I could change in myself, and help myself grow into a more balanced and self-aware person.

4. Find new ways to love yourself, without relying on others.

It’s such a cliché, but happiness starts and ends with loving yourself. I found my true love the moment I stopped looking for someone else to fill the hole in my soul, the moment I realized that I was more than enough.

Those single years were trying. But I came away with a profound sense of my own worth. I was so far from the desperate, panicked woman I imagined I might be. I was proud. I embraced adventure. And I had faith that life was taking me on precisely the journey I needed to have.

5. Don’t settle for less.

In those tumultuous years with my noncommittal boyfriend, my brain twisted itself into pretzels justifying our relationship. I wanted to be with someone who burst with enthusiasm for me. Instead, I settled on a man who was filled with ambivalence. I told myself this was the best I could do at my age.

Well, one day it just wasn’t enough. I put an end the seesaw ride. I wanted more. I deserved more.

No less than two weeks later, the handsome surfer I’d met in Costa Rica three years earlier called to tell me that he was single. My heart exploded. We plunged into the happiest, most fulfilling relationship of my life. I am utterly adored, and I totally adore him. I am so glad that I didn’t compromise. I am forever grateful that my higher self knew to keep the faith.

Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14533/5-things-i-learned-about-love-after-my-divorce.html