10 Steps to Improve Your Personal Relationships

Psychology studies show that, in the long term, the most important thing in your life is your personal relationships. More important than your circumstances, hardships or successes, stuff you own or places you go, good quality relationships increase your resilience, your happiness and protect you from depression and other related “afflictions”.

This can only be said about mature, fulfilling relationships, which we define based on one principle: “win-win”. In “win-win” relationships (be it friendships or romantic ones), all parties bring their best and leave out the worst. They focus on increasing the value of the partnership, the time spent together, the amount of sharing and avoid, conscientiously, pointing fingers and turning each interaction into a competition.

They say that you don’t get to choose your parents and siblings; however, you get to choose your friends and lovers. Here are 10 steps towards improving the quality of your relationships which can help you find what you need to lead a fulfilled life.

1. Assess your self-esteem level and decide which kind of relationships you want.

Those based on sharing, learning, fun, empathy or listening? Or those meant to increase your value in the eyes of your community? Generally speaking, the most fulfilling relationships are those which are not meant to regulate your self-esteem level.

2. Decide what you value most in life as a person.

Finding out what you like and value, what is important for your growth and happiness will help you look for the same things in the people you bond with.

3.Evaluate every relationship in your life at this moment.

Give points to each of them in the “value department”, based on what you decided that matters for you. It may benefit you to give points to those relationships that help you stay true to yourself and don’t force you to pretend you’re someone else, are emotionally balanced and above average when it comes to the learning potential.

4. Based on your assessment, try and get rid (delicately!) of everything that consumes you emotionally

or influences your self-esteem by lowering it. Without being blunt, avoid relationships that favor conflict and nurture those that do you good.

5. Increase the frequency of interactions

with people that make you feel good. At home or work, look for individuals that raise your energy levels, give you reasons to smile and be optimistic.

6. “Water” your relationships.

Once you streamlined them, it’s time to work on them. They are, joke or not, like flowers, so focus on their development and take steps towards nurturing them. Focus on their quality in particular.

7. Give first, and expect very little, if nothing, in return.

In relationships, many people tend to ask themselves the same question: “what do I get from it?”. Giving first may be interpreted as consuming – in terms of time and emotional investment, but the benefits are unexpected. Behavior breeds behavior.

8. Don’t argue, but learn to compromise smartly.

Smart compromise involves shared responsibility for the future of the relationship and assertiveness. When everybody understands the part they play in their relationships’ evolution, the focus shifts from arguments to finding a common ground.

9. Share your best.

Knowledge, experience, emotions. Be it books, music, places you went or things you did that others might find interesting, many relationships are based on shared experiences, rather than anything else.

10. Keep an open mind

and embrace the good and different you see in others. Chance is the others see the same in you.

These ten steps are just a hint of what you could do towards improving your relationships. Follow them or not, but try to find out what suits you in particular. Remember that human interactions are, in a way, like wine: they get better in time. However, this only happens if you work on them.

Source: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-steps-improve-your-personal-relationships.html

How to TRULY be in a Relationship After Divorce Broke Your Heart

You’ve worked hard to get over your divorce. Don’t let it get in the way of your future happiness.

Living through the tumultuous end of your marriage is one of the most difficult things you’ll ever do. And the repercussions of it echo through your life in often surprising ways – and sometimes for a long time after your divorce is a done deal.

One of the most common ways to experience the fallout of divorce long after it’s final is in your new relationships.

So, when you meet someone you really like, it’s natural to wonder how to be in a relationship with them or if you even want to be in a relationship again. You wonder if it’s possible to find love after divorce.

Questioning whether you want another relationship usually driven by fear. When your heart has been broken by divorce, it’s very difficult to believe that you could ever have a good relationship.

You struggle with how to be in a relationship again. Maybe you simply fear the past repeating itself. But here’s the thing, the ONLY way this fear is real is if these two things are true:

You’re exactly the same person you were.

Your new love interest is just like your ex.

Now, if you’ve done your work – really done your work – to heal from your divorce, one of the things you now understand is your part in the failure of your marriage.

And because you’re smart and determined, you’ve taken the steps necessary to make sure you no longer behave in that way and you know how to spot it quickly when you do. This alone guarantees that you’re NOT exactly the same person you were.

Another benefit of doing your work to get over your divorce is that there’s very little chance you’re attracted to the same type of person you divorced. (Remember that the person you divorced is seldom the person you thought you married.)

So, if you’ve done all the hard work to heal, your fear of not being able to have a good relationship isn’t based on facts. It’s just a fear of the past that’s holding you back from exploring your new life – the life you’ve been working so hard on making great.

Now when you really take a step back to look at it, it’s your ex and the memory of your marriage that’s keeping you from exploring the connection you have with your new love interest. And you sure don’t want your ex controlling your future!

Another reality is that the connection you have doesn’t guarantee that a relationship with this new person will work out or that you should enter it without caution. It just means that you’re attracted enough to want to explore how to be in a relationship with them.

Taking a chance to learn how to be in a relationship again with someone you genuinely care about can be extremely fun – especially after all the effort you’ve put into moving on with your life. And if this new relationship has the potential to contribute to your happiness, you deserve to explore it without fear.

So silence the echoes of your divorce and don’t let them get in the way of your pursuit of happiness.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-truly-be-in-a-relationship-after-divorce-broke-your-heart-wcz/

The Surprising Reasons Why I’m Thankful for My Divorce

It’s Thanksgiving. The time of year when we pause to remember and mark all the things in our life we are thankful for.

I can count so many things this week as I pause to consider what I have to be thankful for. The blessings are way too numerous to count. But one of the things I’m thankful for this year?

I’m thankful for my divorce and the many gifts hidden inside that darkness.

I’m thankful for the friends and family that my divorce has actually brought me closer to.

Sometimes, a difficult situation can bring people together, and my divorce has definitely brought me closer to several friends and family members who reached out during the stress of my divorce. Some had been through a divorce and understood how cut off and alone I felt. Others just sensed that I needed someone.

I’ve reconnected with old friends and the bonds are even stronger because I’ve been so honest and raw about my train wreck of a life.

And I met new people. In real life and online.

I made friends who were in a similar place and bonded over shared concerns of kids, custody and navigating being newly single.

I made friends through my divorce blog, bonding over coffee with other bloggers and shared horror stories of divorce attorneys.

I’m thankful to divorce for teaching me I’m not a wimp.

I used to think that I was weak. I mistook my own kindness and empathy for other people as weakness. Only after soldiering on through divorce. Only after crying all night and wondering if I’d end up living out of the backseat of my Toyota Prius, did I understand the sheer force of my own determination. My own core of steel.

Wimp. No way. Far from it.

Thank you divorce for introducing me to that incredibly strong unshakeable woman who lives within me.

I’m thankful for the unexpected lessons.

I’ve learned so much since my divorce and so many of those lessons were things that I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

I learned how to kill spiders in my daughter’s bedroom.

I learned how to put an IKEA bookcase together.

I learned how to hang curtain rods with my very own drill. (I left way too many holes in the wall on my way to actually drilling the right hole, but the curtains got hung so I’m counting it as a victory.)

I learned how to enjoy sleeping in a bed all alone and not feeling lonely, only blessed.

Remember that haunting song, “Thank You” by Alanis Morissette? I’ve always loved that song but I’m not sure I truly understood the lyrics.

Now I can truly understand the thanks hidden in heartache and the honesty of her lyrics.

Alanis Morrisette, Thank You

How ‘bout me not blaming you for everything
How ‘bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ‘bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ‘bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India, thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty, thank you consequence
Thank you, thank you, silence

I’ve learned during my divorce, that you can only see the lesson if you are brave enough to look through the sorrow and the sadness. You can only reach understanding if you are willing to wade through the pain.

Can you find a way to be thankful for your heartache?

Can you find a lesson somewhere in the end of your relationship?

Maybe this week especially, see if you can find the lessons to be thankful for that are hidden in your divorce.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosemond-perdue-cranner/the-surprising-reasons-wh_b_8635982.html

What Makes People Strong?

After giving advice recently, I was told, “But I’m not strong like you.” “I don’t know how you survived.” I replied, “You would have been strong, if you had to be,” and I continued, “Sometimes, being strong is the only choice you have.” Until this conversation, I had never given a lot of thought about our capacity to be strong, and I wondered — are we inherently strong, or do we become strong only after being tested through adversity?

I believe each of us has an innate capacity for strength and throughout our lives, we develop — through conditions we find ourselves in — the skills to be secure, passionate, formidable and determined. However, when we experience trauma and crisis, some of us lose those skills needed for determination, and in turn lose our capacity to “self-right.” Life is a little like math — we can’t skip algebra, or else geometry and calculus won’t make sense. Likewise, in life we can’t move past trauma, we must go through it, experience it fully, or we simply won’t have the information or the skills necessary to do well.
What Are the Traits That Make People Strong?

1. Resiliency: 

Resiliency is the ability to adapt to life’s changes and crises. We generally feel safest when we have a sense of control or predictability; but when we find ourselves upside down and not in control, having the capacity to be resilient may be critical in weathering turmoil, and it may be the key to a healthy and productive life. Becoming more resilient means we must be able to be healthy, have energy and cultivate positive feelings during the hardest and darkest of times. When we can improve our problem-solving skills and cultivate the ability to see setbacks as opportunities, we can learn to successfully bounce back from stress, crises, and trauma. We become resilient in order to overcome the many adversities we will face and so that we can bounce back from those problems with more determination and skills, which can lead to better problem solving in the future.

2. Self-Esteem: 

Life is filled with moments of bad luck, hardship, sorrow and setbacks. Overcoming adversity teaches us to be strong, survive and even thrive under the challenges of life. Those of us who have lived with and overcome obstacles have learned that there are times that require strong action — and when we step up to meet that need, we learn how to handle new situations, deal with great pain and stay stable and focused. When we face difficulty and disaster head-on and with fearlessness, we strengthen our self-esteem and develop self-confidence. On the other hand, giving in to the hardships — when we do not handle stress, are unable to endure pain, or are unsuccessful and choose to not stand up for ourselves — we are at risk for losing respect for ourselves, and our self-esteem will not thrive in these conditions.

3. Love: 

Strength grows when we have people who love us enough to set limits so we stay out of danger, individuals to show us how to do things right and help us when we are in need. When we have role models who show concern and respect, and who help us be responsible for what we do, we begin to expect that things will be all right. There are situations when we find we are stronger for another’s behalf than we would be for ourselves. Mothers who resonate with a child’s internal state will, if needed, put their own safety and survival on hold for the sake of the child. We can learn through attachments and caring that there exists help when we need it the most, and that we are never truly alone — unless we choose to be. Showing our concern for others through devotion, compassion and tenderness supports our ability to find ways to solve problems that we will face, and to develop the skills needed to be strong.

4. Faith: 

Faith is, at its core, firm convictions. Convictions are the beliefs that ground us and establish the circumstances in our life — optimism, hopefulness, tolerance and the belief in something. There are many people who don’t know what they really believe in. When you lack convictions, instability can create opportunities for weakness instead of strength. I’m suspicious that it is true: “If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.” Regardless of what is happening in your life, take a stand for what you believe in — and when we can stand firm when difficult times arrive and when we can hold it together when everyone would understand if we fell apart, we will develop a powerful strength within.

5. Acceptance: 

To accept our strengths, weaknesses and that situations that will not change, is both wise and strong. We all have weaknesses, and when we address them we develop the ability to be tenacious in our resolve to become stronger; and at the same moment, we give ourselves permission to be human.

During challenging times, my husband will often give this advice, “Life is like a game of golf — It’s a constant game of recovery because sooner or later you will find yourself in the rough.” Any one of these traits — resiliency, self-esteem, love, faith or acceptance — can help us to become strong and recover from the “rough.” When we dedicate our efforts at developing more than one trait, however, we will see exponentially huge rewards in our life and the lives of those we share.

“The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!” — Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-durnell/inner-strength_b_2007318.html

5 Positive Lessons Children Learn From Divorce

Many parents worry their divorce will negatively effect their children. However, one psychologist says divorce can have a positive impact on kids.

Your parents, a best friend, perhaps even yourself—most Canadians have had some experience with divorce. In 2008, Statistics Canada estimated that 41 percent of Canadian marriages would end in divorce before their 30th wedding anniversaries.

Despite this forecast, the actual number of divorces in Canada declined between 2007 and 2008—the most recent years studied by Statistics Canada—but the heartbreak that accompanies a divorce is still very real for many Canadian children. Thankfully, not all kids grow up to carry scars from their parents' split. Here are five positive life lessons children can learn following a divorce.

1. They become resilient and adaptable

For Gabrielle Domingues, a Toronto media specialist and married mother of two, her parents' divorce taught her how to roll with life's changes. "Divorce made me more adaptable to varying lifestyle situations," she says. "My dad lived in a different city for years, so I was more attuned to having more than one resting place with different people and things. That's a useful skill to have."

Dr. Lisa Ferrari, a Vancouver-based clinical psychologist, says Gabrielle's hunch is bang on. "A natural byproduct of going through divorce is that you are required to be more adaptive," she says. "You're in a situation where you have to develop coping strategies to deal with physical and psychological space transitions."

Often, children of divorce grow up having to develop coping strategies that their non-divorce counterparts wouldn't encounter until years later, if at all. "Having to overcome these obstacles and having to deal with change makes some children of divorce more resilient in life," says Dr. Ferrari.

2. They become more self-sufficient

Tara Richmond, a married mother to a six-year-old son and a marketing and media consultant in Collingwood, ON, found that her parents' divorce made her more confident in her own abilities. "Having a mother working full time after my parents' split taught me how to be more self-sufficient," she says. "I went home after school by myself and often started dinner. At age 11, I was doing laundry, and small grocery shops. I really relished my time alone at home. I got to know myself."

The new economic challenges that come with having a single-parent income often result in the child becoming more responsible for household chores. "It's logical that divorce offspring would view themselves as more self-sufficient, and see this strength as a positive outcome of their parents' divorce," says Dr. Ferrari.

3. They develop an increased sense of empathy toward others

A change in the family unit can make some children more sympathetic to the problems of others. "I think I am more accepting of people, their situations and circumstances," says Tara. "My parents were the first of my friends or family to get a divorce. It was 1980, so there was still a stigma."

Dr. Ferrari says that she sees this caring trait in the kids of divorce who frequent her practice. "When their peers have family problems, it's very relatable for them," she says. "I find that they can be quite empathetic."

4. The idea of marriage isn't taken for granted

"Coming from divorced parents, I have a heightened understanding to the stakes [in marriage], which hopefully makes me a more conscientious spouse," says Gabrielle. I feel a certain pride that my marriage is strong and happy when my parents' wasn't, like I'm succeeding where they didn't."

"I'm not surprised that's something Gabrielle's proud of," says Dr. Ferrari. "Even at a young age, kids want to create something different after they've experienced the hurt that comes from the separation of their parents. They say that they're going to do this better than their parents, or not do it at all. Gabrielle's doing it, and she's changing her history."

5. They learn more through quality time spent with each parent

Not all kids of divorce spend less time with their parents. "I got to know my parents on a different level by spending so much time with them individually," says Tara. "I think my relationship with each of them became closer and we learned a lot about each other."
Like Tara, the kids in Dr. Ferrari's practice often mention this plus. "The biggest positive I hear from the kids and see first hand is that they spend more time with dad, especially if their family structure was more traditional [pre-divorce]," she says. "When the parents move into a shared role, the kids find they get more time with their fathers."

While it's more common for a child, or adult, to recount negatives from their parents' divorce, Dr. Ferrari says that the legal community is adopting changes that suit the children's best interests. Hopefully, these adjustments will facilitate more positive outcomes. "We're moving towards alternate dispute resolution processes such as mediation, so parents can go through divorce without involving court," she says. "Engaging in co-parenting therapy lets mom and dad commit to parenting the kids the same way, despite no longer being married to one another. These changes are positive for kids."

Source: http://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/5-positive-lessons-children-learn-from-divorce

5 Ways to Handle Uncertainty

Will I have a job in six months? Will we have enough money? What if my new boss and I don’t get along? Dealing with the uncertainties of life causes stress and anxiety—and there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air right now. With the recent election, regardless of which candidate you voted for, our stress is at an all time high. A recent study conducted by the APA found that 52 percent of Americans reported mild to significant stress as a result of the 2016 election.

When it comes to change, we may not always be able to control the outcome, but we can control our response to it. And that’s resilience. It gives you the tools to bounce back from tough situations and thrive in the face of challenges. Here are five keys to dealing with uncertainty:

1. Let Go

The first step to dealing with uncertainty is to accept that we can’t control everything. This is where Iceberg beliefs—those big, bone deep assumptions we have about the way the world works—come into play. If you have an Iceberg Belief such as, “I should never be uncertain” or “Everything must always stay the same,” then uncertainty can be especially challenging. Tom Corboy, licensed therapist and author of The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD, suggests replacing these beliefs with one that is more open-minded and realistic, such as “uncertainty is less than ideal, but it is acceptable and tolerable.”
Recognize that there is only so much you can do right now—and that makes you human, not powerless. Things will unfold soon enough. In the meantime, the way you treat yourself is in your control, so be kind!

2. Envision the Best

We often try to spare ourselves disappointment by thinking through how things could go wrong. However, research in cognitive behavioral therapy shows that people tend to overestimate the risks and negative consequences that may result from a situation. That leads to a lot of anxiety, or worse—sets us up for failure. Beginning something by worrying about the outcome can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, try imagining the best possible scenario. Picture your surroundings and how it will feel. Not only will you feel more confident about where you’re headed, you’ll feel calmer and clearer about where you’re at now, which well help with decision-making and boost your odds of success.

3. Reflect

Remember that you’ve faced uncertainty before. The psychological concept of “hindsight bias” says that we tend to create the illusion that everything in our past was certain, when in reality, it was once uncertain. The fact that you stand here now is proof that you are strong enough to make it through. Take time to think and reflect on what helped you before. Write it down—and then read it when your worrisome thoughts start to take hold.

4. Avoid Avoidance (And Keep Moving!)

A little uncertainty can be healthy. It activates the sympathetic nervous system—our “fight or flight” response—which gives us a jolt of energy and mobilizes us to take action.
When this response makes us too anxious, however, it can have the opposite effect and be paralyzing. If you know that you tend to avoid dealing with the future, remind yourself that although dealing with uncertainty is hard, there are consequences for not facing it head on.

5. See the Possibility

A blank slate ahead means that there’s nothing written on it yet. And while that may appear daunting, think of it this way: You are standing on the threshold of possibility. Remember why you made this shift in the first place and be proud of yourself for making a move—no matter how it turns out.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mequilibrium/5-ways-to-handle-uncertai_b_13326476.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

6 Things That Keep You From Moving on After Divorce

You say that you want to move on, putting the divorce behind you and getting on with your life. You claim that you want to feel better, to stop crying and start living. Perhaps you even announce that you’re over your ex and that you’re ready to start looking for someone new.

Yet that desired progress isn’t happening.

The life you envision isn’t unfolding and instead, you find yourself stuck. Anchored in the muck and mire of the divorce. Not a member of your old life, yet not yet fully living in your new one.

It’s easy to make excuses for why you can’t seem to move on. You’re angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to be written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anaemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.
But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it’s easier to say, “I can’t move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)” rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.
So, here is your metaphorical slap across the face. This is the advice you’ve needed to hear, but your friends and family are too nice to say it. But I’m not your friend. I’m someone who has been there, done that and now makes the T-shirts. I’m okay with making you a little angry if it helps to make you better.

I’m also not going to tell you to “get over it.” I find that phrase insulting and shortsighted, only uttered by people who have never felt a certain depth of pain or who prefer to bury it rather than address it. But even though there are some things you don’t just “get over,” you don’t have to let them hold you back.

If you’re having trouble moving on, you’re probably doing at least one of these things wrong.

Forgiveness

My response to people encouraging me to forgive was one of indignation. How could I be expected to forgive? He deserved all of the wrath I could send his way and then some. How dare someone tell me I should let that go?

But they were right. By refusing to forgive, I wasn’t hurting him. I was hurting me. I was allowing myself to be a prisoner to his actions and allowing them to dictate my feelings. Forgiving him was a gift of peace to myself.
Forgiveness isn’t a pardon. It acknowledges the wrongs and then wraps them in compassion and acceptance. Forgiveness is an inside job, quietly accepting the apology you never received.

Forgiveness is a difficult road. But you’re worth it.

Grasping

When we lose everything, it is human nature to grasp onto whatever remains. And, often in the case of divorce, what is left is the pain. And so we hold onto that pain, claim it. Own it. Defend it. Even feed it.

That pain can become our identity. I remember how I would receive care and kindness when I was hurting, yet would be comparatively ignored when I was not. It’s tempting to stay in pain, to allow others to continuously nurture our wounded hearts.

But is that really what you want? To be the hurt one? The weak one? To be so determined to lay claim to your pain that you do allow anything or anyone else in? Releasing that pain is strangely scary. It’s willingly loosening your grip on your past and trusting that you’ll land safely.

Let go. It’s worth it.

Associations

Do you have triggers that are like a time warp to the past, pulling you back to moments of agony and anxiety? I do. In fact, I would say this has been my greatest challenge — learning to respond from the present and not from the past.

Even though some healing is passive, slowly softening with the passage of time, triggers are often more resistant. They take repeated attention and deliberate action to remediate. Triggers and associations are not inevitable; you can retrain your brain.
It takes work. But you’re worth it.

Replication

One of the most difficult parts of divorce is that at the same time you’re mourning your past and present, you’re also grieving the loss of the future you thought you would have. Maybe you’re lucky and you’re life is relatively untouched. Or, maybe you’re like me and you were left with only the clothes on your back.

Regardless of your situation, it is important to not try to recreate what you had. You’ll fail. My situation was unusual in that I never spent time in a decaying marriage. So, after he left, I stated I wanted to same thing again (well, without the bigamy and hidden life!). Only there were two problems with that. First, I would always be disappointed because no person and no relationship would exactly fill the shoes left behind from the first. Secondly, I was no longer the same person and so my desires and needs had shifted.
Just because something is different, does not mean that it is worse. Rather than fight against change, learn to be grateful for the hidden gifts within.

Just because your future isn’t the one you wanted, doesn’t mean you can’t make it beautiful.

Dream it. And then do it. You’re worth it.

Isolation

This is more of a problem for us introverts, but anyone can fall sway to the call of isolation after divorce. We’re wounded and often ashamed, wanting to hide our vulnerabilities from the rest of the world. Our self-esteem may have taken a blow and further rejection is too scary to risk.
It seems safer to tuck away from prying eyes until the new skin has formed over the exposed rawness. Safer in the short run, perhaps, but deadly in long term. When you isolate yourself, you lose out on the important perspective provided by others. Your social anxieties grow, making future connections even more difficult. And perhaps worst of all, you give up on the support that others can offer.
It’s scary to put yourself out there, to risk being hurt or rejected. But connection with others is what life is all about. You’re too special to hide.

Take the chance on opening up to others. It’s worth it.

Self Care

This is often the biggest struggle for single parents. You may now bear the sole burden of your children’s well-being and so you push your own care to the side. You know that your oxygen mask comes first but no parent can watch his or her child suffer while standing by.

But part of your responsibility as a parent is to teach your children how to take care of themselves. If all they see is you sacrificing yourself for others, they will emulate that in their own relationships. It is okay to be both a parent and a person; they don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Furthermore, in order to be the best parent you can be, you have to be the best person you can be. And that means taking care of yourself and your needs. Make your diet, your exercise, your sleep and your social time a priority.

You’re worth it.

You can move on. The bindings holding you back are the excuses kicked up by your own mind. And they only keep you bound if you let them. Moving on doesn’t happen when the calendar cycles to a certain date or when a certain event transpires.

Moving on occurs when you take the responsibility to make it happen.

Just because there are some things you don’t simply “get over,” it doesn’t mean you have to let them hold you back.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/6-things-that-keep-you-from-moving-on_b_5155943.html

10 Ways to Reboot Your Life and Get a Fresh Start

Everyone has wished at some point or another that life came with a reboot button.

We’re all familiar with the term “reboot” when it comes to computers. Rebooting is a troubleshooting method: when your computer is giving you trouble—for example, a program locks up or is simply not responding–you shut it down and restart it. In addition, a common way to reboot your computer is to press down on the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys simultaneously.

Sometimes an area of your life—or perhaps more than one—has gone completely off track and makes you feel bogged down and like you just can’t move forward. If this is the case, instead of making small changes here and there, you may want to wipe the slate clean and simply restart in that area of your life. Here are some ways in which your life may need a reboot:

You’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a few months and you’ve gained weight and are feeling sluggish.
You’ve been staying late at work for what seems like forever and are feeling burned out.
Your schedule is so packed with things you need to get done, that you feel nauseas when you look at it.
Your relationship with your significant other hasn’t been going well for a while.

If you feel like you need a fresh start in any area of your life, read on. Below you’ll find 10 ways to reboot your life and get a fresh start.

1. Reboot Your Diet

If you’ve been eating unhealthy foods for a long period of time, you probably need to reboot your diet. You can do this by following a detox plan.
“Detox” is short for detoxification. It consists of a focused, short term diet that will allow your body to eliminate toxins and jump-start a weight loss program or help you to completely alter your eating habits. One of the main goals of a detox diet is to eliminate toxins from your body – which is why it’s also called a cleanse.
Wheat—such as pasta and bread—is usually eliminated completely during a detox–, as well as sweeteners — such as refined sugar and high fructose corn syrup. In addition, most detox diets encourage you to eat lots of fruits and vegetables, sometimes as smoothies and shakes.
Going on a detox diet can help you to reboot your diet and set the stage for improving your eating habits and your health.

2. Reboot Your Wardrobe

How many times have you opened your closet and thought the following to yourself:
I have nothing to wear.
Nothing in here fits.
Everything in here is either stained, wrinkled, or is missing a button.
This probably sounds familiar to a lot of people, and not just women. If this sounds like you, then you need to reboot your wardrobe.
A great strategy for rebooting your wardrobe is to create a Project 333 for yourself. Courtney Carver invented Project 333 to challenge people to wear only 33 articles of clothing for 3 months — including clothes, shoes, jewelry and accessories. Here’s what to do:

• Go through your wardrobe and choose the 33 items you’ll be wearing for the next three months. Everything that you choose has to fit and be in good condition.
• Put everything else in boxes. Seal the boxes with tape and put them out of sight.
• For the next three months all you’ll be wearing are your 33 items.

Following a Project 333 will do all of the following for you:

• Help you identify your personal style — the clothes that you love to wear and that flatter your body type.
• Help you identify holes in your current wardrobe.
• Stop you from impulse buying.
• Motivate you to keep everything in your closet clean and in good shape (after all, you only have a few things to wear).

3. Reboot A Room

If you feel like you’re going to drown in stuff every time that you enter your house, get a fresh start by rebooting a room. Choose a room of your house in which you spend a lot of time and do the following:

• Take everything out. You want to end up with an empty room, which will allow you to see how open and free the space feels.
• Step back and visualize the ideal look of that room.
• Only put back the things that you need, love, and use (and which really belong in that room).
• Go slowly, starting with the most essential items.
• Once you see how neat and organized everything looks in your newly rebooted room, and how much space you’ve created in that room, you’ll probably be inspired to reboot every room in your house.

4. Reboot on a Retreat

We all need to get away from it all from time to time, especially when we start to experience burn out. Chronic stress can make you feel exhausted–emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

In addition, stress can zap your motivation, interfere with your ability to concentrate, and even cause health problems.
Going on a vacation—or more specifically, a retreat—can help you to leave the mayhem of the day-to-day behind so that you can reconnect with yourself and what really matters to you. A few days at a retreat can help you to clear your mind and gain new perspective.
There are even retreats which focus on specific life areas. For example, you can find retreats for any of the following:

• A fitness retreat.
• A marriage retreat.
• A life-reassessment retreat.
• A career retreat.
• In addition, one option is to go on a one-year sabbatical.

5. Reboot Your Internal Clock

If your sleep cycle is out of whack–you stay up until 3:00 a.m. watching Netflix and checking Facebook–and you get up sometime after 10:00 a.m., you need to restart, or reboot, your internal clock. Your body’s clock is “set” by cues like light, when you eat, or when you exercise. Here are two ways to take advantage of these cues to reboot your internal clock:
Stop eating during the 12-16 hour period before you want to be awake. So, if you want to start waking up at 7:00 a.m., stop eating at about 5:00 p.m. the day before. Don’t break your fast until you wake up at 7:00 a.m. the next morning. There’s scientific research to back this up.
If you want to start getting up at 7:00 a.m., get thirty minutes of bright light ten minutes after waking up. In addition, keep lights low at the end of the day, and stay away from bright computer screens or television exposure shortly before bed.

6. Reboot You Calendar

If you find that your calendar and daily schedule are jam-packed with activities and commitments, most of which fill you with dread, then it’s time to reboot your calendar. Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and start re-creating your calendar from scratch.
Before you add anything back on your schedule, take the time to reexamine whether that task or activity really needs to be there. Question everything:

• Your commitments;
• Your commute;
• The tasks that you carry out on a regular basis and whether they really need to be done;
• The amount of time that you spend on each task;
• How often you perform certain tasks; and so on.

Only put back into your schedule the things that you absolutely need to do, and the things that you love to do.

7. Reboot Your Finances

If financial stress is keeping you down, you need to reboot your finances. Do the following:

• Get all of the food that you’re going to need for the month.
• Get necessities such as toothpaste and toilet paper.
• Write down the absolute essentials that you have to spend money on throughout the month, such as bus fare and the cost of utilities.

Then, for 30 days, spend absolutely no money except for the things on your “absolute essentials” list. Use the 30 days to reevaluate what you’re currently spending your money on, create a budget, and create a plan on how to better deal with your finances.

8. Reboot Your Goals

There’s a little less than 100 days left of the year. How are you doing on the resolutions that you set at the start of the year? If the answer is “not well”, then you need to reboot your goals. Do the following:

• Take a look at the goals that you set at the beginning of the year.
• Choose just one and discard the rest.
• Start fresh on that goal, as if it were January 1st.

It doesn’t matter if you tried to go on a diet in January and were back to eating junk food by the second week of February, or if you started working on your ebook in March but quit after a few days. You’re giving yourself a fresh start on your goal.
Ask yourself why you failed to follow through on your goal, make the necessary adjustments to your plan for achieving your goal, and get to it.

9. One-Hour-A-Day Reboot

You can get a fresh start each day–that is, reboot every morning–in just one-hour-a-day. 

Regardless of what may have happened the day before, you can start each morning with a clean slate by devoting the first hour of the day to doing the following:

• Spend fifteen minutes eating a healthy breakfast.
• Spend fifteen minutes journaling or writing Morning Pages.
• Spend fifteen minutes meditating or following a yoga routine.
• Spend fifteen minutes exercising–you can rebound on a trampoline or walk a few times around the block.

Give yourself the gift of a daily reboot.

10. Extreme Reboot

Sometimes life goes so severely off course that we need an extreme reboot. The extreme version of a life reboot is to quit your job, file for divorce, sell everything that you own, and move to a new city (or even another country).

Only you can decide if such drastic measures are necessary. However, more often than not by pressing the Ctrl+Alt+Del keys in one or two areas of your life, all other areas will start to fall into place.

Conclusion

If you feel that you’re stuck in a pattern, you’ve been following the wrong path for too long, or your life needs a jolt, you need to reboot. You can get started with the ten reboot strategies explained above. Live your best life by rebooting any area of your life in which you need a fresh start.

Source: https://daringtolivefully.com/reboot-your-life

From Entitled to Thankful: Raising Children with an Attitude of Gratitude

It isn’t until later in life that most people discover one of the keys to happiness: gratitude. 

The concept of thankfulness can be difficult for adults to embrace, and even harder for children and teens who believe the world revolves around them.
There are so many valuable qualities we want to instill in our children — why should we focus on gratitude? Grateful teens are not only more pleasant to be around, but according to one study, they are also less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, be depressed and have behavioral problems at school.
This isn’t the first study to explore the science of gratitude. In a 2003 study from the University of California, Davis, grateful people reported higher levels of happiness and optimism, as well as lower levels of depression and stress. High school students who score high on gratitude have more friends and higher grades, while more materialistic students report more envy, lower grades and less life satisfaction, according to a study in the Journal of Happiness Studies.
While some people may be blessed with a natural inclination toward thankfulness, for most of us gratitude is learned. By learning gratitude, children become sensitive to the feelings of others, developing their innate capacities for empathy and altruism, whereas entitled kids end up feeling perpetually disappointed.

What Gratitude Is Not

Sometimes in our efforts to instill gratitude, we use approaches that look similar to gratitude but have unintended negative effects:
Threats. Lecturing your child about how spoiled they are or threatening to take away their toys because their room is too cluttered does not teach gratitude.
Comparisons. “Other children would give anything to have what you have” and other comments like these are really comparisons, not lessons in gratitude. This kind of “reverse envy” is more likely to inspire greed and guilt than gratitude.

Indebtedness. Feeling obligated to return a favor or do something nice to get out of another person’s debt is not gratitude. The feeling behind indebtedness is negative and focused on a specific person, whereas gratitude is positive and can be directed toward anyone.

Flattery. Lavishing gifts or compliments on someone isn’t necessarily an expression of gratitude. Thanking people in these ways produces resentment, guilt and a sense of obligation rather than appreciation.

Manipulation. Some people have questionable motives behind their expressions of gratitude. For example, kinds words may be used to manipulate someone into doing something, exert control or secure someone’s loyalty or good favour.

The Recipe for Authentic Gratitude

Most parents want their children to be happy, yet we shower them with gifts, protect them from the natural consequences of their actions and do all kinds of things that actually make them less happy. If we really want our kids to be happy, we need to instill an attitude of gratitude. But how can we instill gratitude in children who are naturally self-centered and growing up in an entitlement-driven society?
Model Gratitude. Gratitude isn’t just a lesson to be taught to children, but alsoan ongoing exercise in learning for parents. Instead of clamoring for the newest gadget, work on being grateful for what you have right now. When interacting with your kids, share frequently and generously and say please and thank you so that good manners are “what we do” not just what we say we do.

Share the Gift of Giving. Experienced parents have learned that the more kids get, the less they appreciate what they have. Receiving gifts can befun, but make sure your children also recognize the joy of giving. Around the holidays, focus on celebrating, making memories and visiting with friends and family rather than who gets the most presents.
Teach Family Values. Many children grow up believing that life is about acquiring money and material possessions. If your family values hard work, saving money and simple joys, make sure your principles are being communicated regularly.

Start a Family Tradition. Make gratitude a habit; for example, by going around the dinner table saying one thing you’re grateful for or reflecting on the day at bedtime, noting the small things you enjoyed.

Assign Age-Appropriate Tasks. The more children contribute around the house, the more they realize how much effort it takes to keep a household running. Even if it takes twice as long or ends up creating another mess, give your child age-appropriate chores like setting the table or feeding a pet (or for teenagers, working a part-time job). Not only will they appreciate that these tasks require effort but they will feel the satisfaction of earning what they have and making a valuable contribution to the family.

Serve Others. Service can be part of a child’s life from a young age. Get young kids involved in decorating thank-you notes, baking cookies for a friend or donating belongings to less fortunate children — and point out how good it feels to make someone else’s day brighter. With older kids, volunteer at an animal shelter, nursing home or soup kitchen, or figure out a type of charitable work they’re passionate about and offer to help out.

Practice Mindfulness. Kids spend much of their day in front of television and computer screens, too often losing sight of the small but enduring pleasures found in nature and in their interactions with other people. Take time to appreciate the sights, smells and sounds around you, and you’ll model mindfulness for your kids.

You’ve probably heard it said that “happiness is a choice.” While it can be difficult to choose happiness in tough times, research suggests that happiness is, in fact, less the result of circumstance and more the product of our own thinking and habits. In other words, you don’t have to wait until you have the perfect life to be happy — you can choose it right now by focusing on what you’re grateful for and encouraging your children to do the same.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-sack-md/gratitude_b_2277960.html

Toxic Relationships

Sometimes you can see a toxic relationship heading your way like a bullet train and at other times they creep up on you so slowly you are unaware you are in one until it’s nearly impossible to get out. Most of us have experienced – or are currently in – one or more toxic relationships. We question how they can be avoided and maybe even if we are the toxic person. We may also ponder why, after experiencing past negative toxic relationships before, we continue to draw them into our lives, or why we are continually vulnerable to their lure by Mr. or Ms. Toxic Agent.

The many faces of toxic relationships

Toxic relationships have many faces; they pop up in both our personal (parent-child, siblings, friendships) and occupational (supervisor-employee, coworkers) lives. You know the type – you lend a family member money, or a co-worker your car; or you care for their children while they go on vacation hoping they will one day return the favor. Unfortunately the toxic person doesn’t pay you back, returns your car damaged with no offer to repair it and asks you to watch their children again next vacation without ever offering to watch yours. It doesn’t happen once, it happens repeatedly in different forms. You feel hurt, taken advantage of and angry – at the offender and yourself. Bottom line is: you are consistently being brought down. You feel “used.”


Past negative time perspective and the toxic relationship
The tendency to unconsciously seek out toxic relationships frequently starts with past negative experiences when we are children and might carry on throughout our lives. They can become so deeply ingrained in the way we think and feel that we don’t realize we are steeped in toxicity until—or hopefully when- someone else points it out. The toxic person in our lives (and maybe it’s us), is generally concerned about themselves and their needs; the relationship is classic codependent. The worse form is when that other is your partner or mate, supposedly there forever!

How so?

Generally in a toxic relationship you don’t bring up how you feel; maybe you don’t want the person to be angry because they hold some sort of power over you, or you are holding on to the dream that one day they will wake up, realize their transgressions and make good. And if you do mention their offense, it’s likely to be a backhanded use of passive-aggressive behavior that only you recognize—so it is ineffectual in changing anything for the better. In a follow up column we’ll delve into passive aggressive behavior and time perspectives. But for purposes of this column, we’ll use the following examples of weenie retaliation in toxic relationships:

What you say: “Wish I had the money to fill in the blank, but I don’t.” (present-centered)

What you meant: “Because you never paid me back that money I lent you!” (past negative)


What you say: “Know of a good auto insurance company because my insurance premium just went up.” (present-centered)

What you meant: “Because you crashed my car and wouldn’t own up to it!” (past negative)


What you say: “We can’t go on that couples retreat because we can’t find a babysitter.” (future negative)

What you meant: “We watched your kids for two weeks but you won’t even offer to watch ours for two days!” (past negative/future negative)

Again, unfortunately, you wish they would pick up on the faux pas but they act like they don’t know what you are talking about. Here are examples of what you might have said to help correct the situation:

“Hey, I think it’s a good idea for us to set up a plan for you to pay back that money I lent you; unless you have it now.”

“How are you planning on paying for the damage to my car?”

“We are wondering if you could watch our kids for a couple of days so we can go on a couples’ retreat. We’d really appreciate it.”

You will open a dialogue to a possible resolution. And if not, you’ll know for sure where you stand in the relationship and make future positive plans to move on.

Five signs you’re in a toxic relationship

In our research for this column, we discovered that author Yvette Bowlin  distilled the myriad indicators of toxic relationships into the following five signs:

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right– The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.

2. Everything is about them and never about you – You have feelings too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person – Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
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4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person – You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change – Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good.

Five steps to end a toxic relationship

So how do we get out of toxic relationships? We’ve pared down Borchard’s steps to ending toxic relationships and put our time perspective spin on them:

1. Step out of denial (review past negative behaviors) - Are you energized or drained after spending time with X? Do you want to spend time with X or do you feel like you have to? Do you feel sorry for X? Do you go to X looking for a response that you never get? Do you come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Are you giving way more to the relationship than X? Do you even like X?

2. Identify the perks (discover how you feel in the present) - All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a (toxic) comfort level?

3. Fill the hole (practice selected present hedonism) - Find alternative sources of peace and wholeness - nourish yourself. In other words, do things that make you feel better and in ways so that you don’t have to rely on others. For instance, revisit that project you put on the back burner, learn meditation or yoga, call friends, and remind yourself that you won’t feel this way (sad, angry, upset) forever.

4. Surround yourself with positive people (be pro-social) – Hopefully these folks are working on their boundaries as hard as you are; they aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. Be smart with whom you choose to hang out.

5. Heal the shame (replace past negative with a bright future positive) – Work toward healing the part of yourself that may be attracting toxic relationships. This may mean exploring past toxic relationships, forgiving yourself for the part you played and realizing that you deserve the right kind of love and attention in order to create a brighter future for yourself.

Let go of the negative past and give love permission to enter your life

Let go of toxic relationships – the past negative people - and experiences and focus on the good things – the past positive experiences; makes plans for a brighter future, and live a fulfilling and more meaningful present.

We leave you with one of our favorite quotes:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”
by Maya Angelou.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201308/toxic-relationships