Depression as a Starting Point for Change

It takes guts to admit to yourself that things aren’t going really well. It takes courage to talk to your nearest and dearest friends about the difficulties that you’re going through. There is certain stigma in society, built upon the foundation of an egotistical thinking, which implies that having problems — being depressed — is a sign of weakness.

Research shows that in America, the main cause of stress in a household is associated with stress at the workplace. Dealing with lousy managers, lazy coworkers, and being exposed to a pressurizing environment will undoubtedly start to take a toll on you.

The world, in this regard, can certainly share a similar sentiment: we’re living in the dark ages of economic and emotional stability, even equality for that matter.

Becoming an adult.

Although depression, anxiety, and social stigma exist during the period of adolescence, the aftermath starts to become visible only after a certain age, perhaps at a time in your life when you’re being exposed to a larger number of adults who are not only dealing with their own stresses, but manage to provoke difficult emotions within yourself; all of which are associated with the things that have happened to you in the past.

It takes a certain determination to switch depression off, to use it as a tool for growth, rather than a tool for self-sabotage.

The answer lies in the question.

It’s easy to numb your pain. It’s easy to go out for drinks, to cry about your problems and then forget about them momentarily. It’s easy to reinforce anger and sadness by rehashing the same experience in your mind a thousand times. It never did any good to me, so I can’t image it doing any good for anyone else. Numbing pain is not the answer for finding a solution as to why you’re depressed in the first place. If I learned anything from spending several years in lonely solitude, it’s this: the answers to your depressive behaviors and patterns lie within you, not somewhere in the external world.

When you prepare dinner for yourself, and your family, why did you do it? Was it because you love them, or because it’s something that needs to be done every single day as part of life? What if the core reason for doing it was the fact that humans need to feed their hunger, a quintessential part of the human life is to nourish the body with food. So, if you can find the core reason for needing food, can you not do the same for finding the ultimate reason for your depression?

Why am I depressed?

Just by asking a simple question, without judging yourself, it’s possible to hear the underlying reason for why you’re feeling a certain way. Whenever I’m going through a difficult time, that is my ultimate question to ask myself, because unless I do — I find myself drifting away deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of an endless loop that starts to creep up on my awareness as some sort of a hatred machine for everything around me.

What to do with the answer.

You might be wondering, what’s next? What comes next after getting the answer? It’s simple, what comes next is internal change in how you approach your depressive behaviors, fears and anxieties about anything in the external world. It’s unprecedented how many of us have become professional suppressors of our own emotions, yet all it takes is to bring awareness into that which is driving us crazy, and within that split moment things start to change immediately.

The ego begins to lose its grip over what has happened in the past, because you’re starting to actively seek a solution, you’re seeking the underlying root cause for the emotions that you’re feeling.

During my teenage years, I developed the habit of being a bully. I bullied people because it was “fun”, my close friends liked to do it as well, and I didn’t really know any better. Then a few years later, I found myself on the other side of the coin, and became a target for others to bully me. At that time, things like karma or cause and effect never crossed my mind, but now in my mid-20’s it is starting to make a lot more sense.

I had built this pitch-perfect picture in my mind of how another person should appear, and if he wasn’t living up to those insane standards I was in the position to condemn him for not having the same luxuries as I did, of which I had very little regardless.

Pain stores itself in your body, your subconscious.

Our past experiences shape our present moment, the more we hold on to those experiences the less we get to experience of that which is already here in this moment. The more difficult our past experiences, and the less we invest to resolve emotions associated with them, the less joyful becomes the present moment. It’s a time tested theory, yet we’re still learning to navigate this concept for the purpose of becoming a better version of ourselves. In society today, it’s hard to really take time for yourself to rejuvenate and heal, without having someone yell at the back of your mind that what you’re doing is stupid, and pointless.

The irony lies in the fact that whoever does condemn you, for your humble choice to change, is likely to be dealing with emotional pain himself. My life changed completely at the age of 20, my old life had ran its course and I began to dedicate myself to mindfulness and meditation as a daily thing. It took my parents 3 years to accept that things have changed in my life, it has taken some of my friends to this day to learn how to let go of a version of me that is no longer there.

Yet, such is the journey of life. We, you, have the choice as to whether we want to hold onto things, or learn from them — to accept the inevitable and push forward in a new direction.

Change will always start within.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-ivanovs/depression-as-a-starting_b_12742436.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

Dealing with Ex-wife Drama

Each person has their own way of dealing with their emotions and overall changes that appear after a divorce. Many men complain that their ex-wives behave in ways that not only trouble them, but also greatly affects the ones around them. And when it comes to ex-wife drama, it comes in various forms. Whether it’s the ex-wife causing the drama or you are causing it in relation to her.

Whether the source is her or you, there are certain aspects that everyone who has gone through a divorce should deal with. Here are some tips:

Clarify that the relationship is over

That does not mean only in words. Be it an explanation you are required to give your ex-wife or yourself and others in order for your previous partner not to be an issue in the present, it has to be definite and it has to be reinforced by action.

It is not enough to say that a relationship has ended. Your behavior has to emphasize the same thing. How you allow your ex wife to behave is partially also within the limit of your behavior. For instance, you might stop calling her, but always answering her calls and allowing her to do something that negatively influences your life will not help at all. As with marriage, divorce has to come from both sides. And sometimes it takes more than changing the way you think and behave.

Be consistent

One of the most common reasons for ex-wife drama is that men do not end things properly or leave things in the grey zone. While it is good and preferable for a person to accept that there is always place for middle ground situations in life, there are certain instances where things come only in black or white. If you do not want to give reason for unwanted behavior from your ex-wife, you have to also behave in a manner which does not leave room for interpretation.

Be reasonable, but practical

This is important in your dealings with your ex-wife. If the divorce was something that you’ve wanted, but not your wife, it is obvious that the level of detachment will differ. The same things apply to resentment or regret or any other emotion. However, you should not be permissive to the point where being understanding and being taken advantage of no longer is differentiated.

Assuming that the amount of over-exaggerated behavior from your wife does not stem from something you’ve done wrong by her, it is important for you to decide on a system to deal with her. Drastic measures are sometimes required, but they are generally not taken well by others and might not have the favourable outcome you are looking for.

Think of it this way: You don’t want to be uncivilized as to not maintain basic human interaction, especially if you share a child together, but that does not mean you want her feeling comfortable enough to impose on you whenever or wherever she likes. You should have a clear idea of what you want and can do in relation to her before anything else gets out of hand.

Look for the reason behind it all. Every scandal and every event has a reason behind it. Unless you are dealing with an emotionally unstable person, it is correct to assume that there must be something that is causing all this that you might fix. And while this might sound like having to interact with your previous spouse more than you would like to, it actually requires very little actual interaction as it requires thinking and being sincere.

Whether it’s money, the sentiment of feeling wronged or the need to blame someone else for being unhappy, in most cases men are not ignorant of the “whys” that stand behind all the fuss and drama. And choosing to ignore it or to consider themselves absolved of any guilt in it does not really solve the situation. Sometimes, calmly talking to each other and trying to solve the problems and to answer the questions that were left unanswered can bring a lot more benefits than one could believe. As long as the other person feels you are being sincere, it will be hard for them to continue on the same note as before.

There are many ways of dealing with the issues that a man has to face in relation with his previous spouse and what is most important is to remember that each person has its own peculiarities and grievances and they should be addressed for the good of all.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/dealing-with-ex-wife-drama/

If by Rudyard Kipling - Inspirational Poetry

My favourite poem - 'If' by Rudyard Kipling... so many lines that capture the sentiment of thriving and taking control and ownership of our destiny.





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9 Ways to Actually Adopt the Better Habits You Know Will Help You Succeed

Every year, we set goals for ourselves, often called resolutions. What we actually envision is a brighter future, brought about by the desired change in our daily routine or habits. You may want to lose weight, increase your client base or stop smoking. This means you have to alter an existing behavior and insert a new one in its place.

Change is always difficult, but it can be done, with a little bit of willpower. Try these simple steps to get you on track to better habits.

1. Decide what is important and why.

What is your motivation for wanting to develop a new habit? Will it improve your life? Envision the outcome if you don’t make the change. Then decide how you are going to make the change. If you want more clients, make more contacts; if you want to get more done in the day, get up an hour earlier; if you want to be healthier, instill an exercise regimen into the daily routine. Set a goal and then give yourself a timeline to complete it.

2. Make the habit reasonable.

If a new habit is too difficult to maintain, mostly likely it will fall by the wayside. Choose a realistic new habit that you desire and know you can accomplish. Start small, like cutting back on the number of cups of coffee you drink each day, or making one lunch date a week with a potential referral source.

3. Choose one habit at a time.

Trying to change several habits at once is too much for anyone. Instead, concentrate on one behavioral change until it becomes routine, then add a second one. If you’re overwhelmed by too many changes, you most likely won’t accomplish any of them.

4. Give yourself time.

It takes time to change a habit. According to a study by University College London health psychology professor Phillippa Lally, it takes more than two months, or 66 days, for a new habit to take hold.

5. Don’t expect perfection.

You’re bound to slip up one or more times as you work your way towards your new behavior. Be patient with yourself and accept the slip. Then recommit to the new habit.

6. Engage others.

Being held accountable for a new behavior is a solid way to reinforce the behavior. Tell others what you’re trying to do, and let them help if they offer. Don’t get angry if they remind you of your goal now and again. This may be just what you need to stay on track. You may even motivate them to make some goals too.

7. Be consistent.

Consistency is the key to establishing a new habit. Do the same thing day after day to set it firmly in your mind and routine. If possible, set a schedule for the new behavior, and stick to it. Be accountable, either by tracking the new habit on a chart or interfacing with others.

8. Replace a bad habit with a good one.

To ditch a bad habit, try replacing it with a better one. If your desk features a candy jar, replace the contents with healthy snacks, like nuts. Or if you like to stay up late watching TV, read in bed instead.

9. Build in a reward.

Set a standard of behavior and offer yourself a reward at the end of 30 or 60 days. But make sure the reward does not include the old behavior. For example, don’t celebrate with a big meal if your new habit it eating less at lunchtime.

Stick with your goal and you’ll accomplish the changes you desire. In the words of American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn, “Success is a few simple disciplines, practiced every day.”

Source:https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/270701