I recently viewed the 2013 comedy, “A.C.O.D,” starring Adam Scott, Clark Duke, Richard Jenkins, and Catherine O’Hara. “A.C.O.D” showcases a serious storyline in a comedic light, while addressing the psychological impact divorce can have on adult children. While I can’t speak to such an experience firsthand, I was intrigued by the subject matter. Even though they’re no longer kids, adult children may still carry the weight of divorce and unresolved childhood issues on their shoulders.
Maybe such effects manifest in their romantic relationships. They may be wary of long-term commitment. Maybe they encounter heightened stress when they’re sifting through their parents’ leftover anger and resentment, still feeling as if they have to choose sides.
Jenny Kutner’s 2015 article, featured on Mic.com, relays the perspective of the ACOD.
“Unlike a child, who is usually an innocent bystander during the end of their parents’ relationship, ACODs are, more often than not, active participants; they’re placed in the awkward position of having to provide emotional support for one or both of their parents.”
Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime, advocates that regardless of age, a child of divorce will always be considered a child of divorce and sensitivities need to align accordingly.
“Your children are still your children, even if they are 30 years old,” Emory stated in the article. “Information should be shared only on a ‘need to know basis,’ and children of any age don’t need to know much. It isn’t a child’s job to help the family heal. It’s a parent’s job.”
While it’s natural to presume that adults are more equipped to handle the aftermath of divorce, it doesn’t necessarily diminish their challenges.
In a 2013 interview with Redeye, Adam Scott shares his thoughts on divorce’s influence in today’s society, particularly noting how divorce will affect children as they continue to age.
“A lot of us grew up with divorce, and so I see people making much more measured decisions about marriage and children and stuff like that, just because we’ve seen how the generation before us got started a lot earlier with marriage, family and all of that. Just because culturally it was the norm. They saw it backfire for some people, so I think the difference behaviorally and culturally is people are waiting a lot longer now.”
And if ACODs are struggling with familial loss, if they are lugging heavy baggage from divorce, it’s not a total lost cause. By fostering a greater sense of understanding and awareness, confrontation can occur. If need be, those pertinent emotional struggles can be conquered, whether it’s on their own or with the guidance of a professional.
“A.C.O.D” ignites a dialogue, one that isn’t as prevalent when it comes to discussions regarding divorce. Adult children of divorce face their own set of obstacles; however, they of course have the ability to confront and transcend its impact.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/07/07/the-psychological-impact-of-divorce-on-adult-children/
It is not unreasonable to expect a certain level of emotional maturity, from both parties before, during and after divorce.
Two adults entered the marriage, two adults are divorcing.
In order to maintain as least a minimum of civility and respect, especially when children are involved, emotional maturity is crucial.
Be an adult.
Emotional maturity is comprised of many things and varies with individual perspectives. However, during the divorce process, the following are essential:
Take responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions. Emotions are running high, everyone is hurting. What you do and say in this situation matters. The repercussions of hurtful, negative words and actions will continue to ripple for years. Be mindful.
Own your part in the marriage and the divorce. This isn’t the time for outward blaming or playing the victim. Maybe things were unfair. Maybe things didn’t work out as you had hoped. It is over now. Own your part of it. It takes two to tango.
Stop wallowing in negative emotions. Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D., author of My Stroke of Insight
, documented the biological time-span of an emotion as 90 seconds. What you do after those 90 seconds is up to you. Challenge your beliefs to see how they match up with reality. If you need help, get help. Don’t take your negative feelings out on others.
Avoid using “you” statements.
Respond, don’t react. Negotiate, don’t argue. Be wise, not defensive. Divorce isn’t about winning or losing, right or wrong. The marriage is over, pointing fingers, keeping score, tattle telling…there is no place for it.
Try to see the bigger picture. Step back from your ego self and negative judgment.
Release the need for comparison. Both of you are disappointed, hurting and grieving.
Strive for acceptance and compassion. The choice is yours to grow from this experience or let it define you.
Apologize when necessary. Not the “I’m sorry, but…” kind of apology either. Apologize and mean it. “I apologize. What I did/said was wrong and hurtful. I wish I could take it all back but know I can’t. I will try my hardest to not let this happen again. I hope you can forgive me. I am sorry.”
Be an adult.
Your children will thank you.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/maintaining-emotional-maturity-divorce-mdrk/
You don’t often hear the words ‘divorce’ and ‘etiquette’ used together. When I hear the word ‘etiquette,’ I think manners, politeness, courtesies – again not things we usually associate with ending a marriage. And perhaps that’s exactly why so many people struggle to achieve a good divorce. So what is divorce etiquette and how can it help?
I’m not a fan of rule books but I do think being conscious about how you conduct yourself during divorce could help you better cope with the end of your marriage so you’ll feel less conscious, less awkward and avoid saying or doing things that you’ll regret later. If we did have more generally accepted guidelines on coping with divorce, then the breakups could be less disruptive not just for spouses but also for children, extended families, friends and coworkers. Who wouldn’t want that?
This episode of Conversations About Divorce is all about Divorce Etiquette and joining me for this fabulous conversation are Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell, authors of The Optimist’s Guide To Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create A New Life You Love.
What Is Divorce Etiquette?
When someone is going through a hard time, it’s part of our human nature to want to help. We often want to do something to let that person know we care. We want to do something to let that person know we’re sorry they’re in pain. But just like other difficult situations, we don’t want to say anything that will make the person feel worse.
Riss says, “When we are talking about divorce etiquette, we’re talking about making a difficult situation better rather than rubbing salt in the wound.”
It really comes down to acting with kindness and compassion in any situation. Setting that intention at the beginning of the process will guide you through the many points along the way when you have a choice. Riss says, “Make it your personal mission to treat them as you would like to be treated.”
Who Is Divorce Etiquette For?
Divorce etiquette applies to everyone whether that’s friends, family, children and especially your STBX. Both partners set the tone for the divorce and how you divorce, can be quite independent of your marriage. This means that you don’t have to carry over the level of disagreement and arguing from your marriage to your break up.
It’s important to think about this early, preferably before there’s even been a discussion about separating because it’s in that very first conversation that the tone of the break up starts to get set. There’ll be many points along the way where you’ll have the opportunity to reset the tone or reinforce it.
“We believe you can apply some rules for common decency with your partner as you go through the difficult process of separating,” said Riss.
Of course, treating your partner with respect doesn’t mean you’ll get the same back. Rockwell reminds us that you can’t control anyone else. However, “no matter how hard you are trying to be kind, understanding, compassionate, doesn’t mean that on that day, that argument, you’ll be getting that treatment back but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth maintaining that intention.”
You have to switch gears – once the marriage is over, you now have to work to transition your relationship with your STBX from a romantic partner to a business partner. That might be for the short term while you figure out the division of assets or it could be for a much longer period if you have children together.
Meeting Your STBX In Public
Meeting your STBX in public may be awkward, even embarrassing but there’s a high probability it’s going to happen. Knowing that means you can prepare.
“You have a choice at every step,” says Riss. “You can choose positive or negative.”
The example we talked about was what if both you and your STBX turn up at school to pick up your kids. Obviously, there’s been a miscommunication so what should you do?
“It’s best to try to work it out without embarrassing your kids,” says Riss. “If someone needs to be the bigger person, take on that role.” If that means you letting your STBX pick up the kids even though you’re convinced it’s your turn, so be it. Better that than having a brawl in the parking lot.
Another situation is when you arrive at your child’s event, maybe it’s a concert, maybe it’s a baseball game. Your STBX sees you and waves at you indicating they have a seat for you. Sitting next to them isn’t what you had in mind so what should you do?
Sockwell says how you handle this depends on whether your STBX is trying to control you. If it doesn’t feel safe for you to sit next to or near your STBX, then don’t. But otherwise, consider that your STBX maybe doing this with your child’s perspective in mind.
“If I were a child, I can’t think of anything I’d want more than to look out from the swimming pool, the stage or wherever I was performing, and see my parents together because they’re there not because they are in a relationship together but they’re there for me,” says Sockwell.
Friends Take Their Cues From You
Soon after my ex and I split up, one of our couple friends was hosting a cookout at their home. She called me and invited me and told me that they’d also invited my ex. She said that she and her husband liked us both, were friends with both of us and they didn’t want to choose who to invite so they were inviting both of us and leaving it up to us to figure out what we wanted to do.
This is a great model to follow but isn’t what typically happens.
Riss says the key word here is comfort. “People take their cues from you. If you’re comfortable, then the person asking you will feel relieved that you’re OK.”
Letting people know that you’re doing OK will make them feel comfortable inviting you to a social occasion.
There will be friends from whom you don’t hear. Sockwell’s straight-forward advice here is that if you’re missing a friend, then you reach out to them.
“Don’t assume they’re not reaching out to you because of what’s going on with you. They may have their own stressors or own health problems or their own separation. You never know,” says Sockwell.
Divorce is a difficult and uncomfortable topic and your friend not contacting you may be because they don’t know what to say. You taking the lead, can put your friend at ease and breakdown the barrier that threatens your friendship.
On the flip side, Riss recommends that if you know someone who is going through divorce, be proactive and let them know you’re there to support them.
Be Sensitive At Work
The workplace is a different environment. There, if you notice someone is not wearing their wedding ring, it may not be appropriate to comment in an open meeting. Sockwell says, “If they haven’t said anything, I’m not going to say anything because they’re probably doing what they can to hold it together.”
If they bring it up, then feel free to invite them to get together after work. If they don’t bring it up, then perhaps you can approach them in a private space to offer support.
If you’re going to need time off or flexibility for appointments, it’s a good idea to let your supervisor know what’s going on but Riss, recommends doing so once you can do it without breaking down in a flood of tears.
You may also want to consult with your HR department for guidance on how to handle changes to your benefit enrollments and also on company policy around name changes, if that’s going to apply to you.
Beware of Social Media
Both Riss and Sockwell agree that it’s very easy to post something to social media that you may regret later. Riss says, “Don’t react out of anger.” Social media is not the place to air your grievances. If you’re upset about something, call a friend and work through your anger another way.
Similarly, Sockwell recommends against posting updates that are calling for pity. She suggests keeping a journal and using that to work through your emotions.
Even though you may have blocked your STBX from seeing your posts, if you have friends in common then your STBX may still be able to see your posts through their feeds and that could end up hurting you.
Source: http://sincemydivorce.com/divorce-etiquette-can-help/
Dealing with your parents' divorce is never easy, no matter what age you are. And while you may not have to worry about some of the issues that can arise during childhood, such as custody battles, moving, or coordinating after-school pickups, having to deal with your parents' divorce during adulthood comes with its own unique set of challenges and obstacles. If you're struggling or trying to make sense of your parents' divorce at their age, there are steps you can take right now to deal with and overcome these overpowering issues.
1. Reach Out for Support
Even though you're now older and wiser, dealing with parents who are divorcing doesn't spare you from the wide range of feelings and emotions that children experience when their parents divorce. If you're feeling sad, confused, hurt, guilty, or angry about the situation, it's important that you reach out to close friends, siblings, and other supportive people in your life who can help you work through these emotions and tackle them head-on.
Many children often meet with therapists when their parents get divorced, and being older doesn't mean that you shouldn't reach out to trained professionals to help you work through your emotions. You'll get through this, so don't be afraid to widen your support system to help you in the process.
2. Don't Let It Ruin Your Vision of Your Childhood
When your parents divorce when you're older, it's not uncommon to look back at your childhood and carefully review every wonderful memory in search of clues of your parents' unhappiness.
However, you shouldn't let their divorce jade or cast a negative shadow on the times that you spent as a family while growing up, and you shouldn't try to scrutinize and pinpoint evidence of your parents' discontentment. Even if your parents are divorcing, you should still treasure those happy moments and let them bring you joy.
Happy childhood memories don't dissolve when your parents' marriage does.
3. Set Boundaries With Your Parents
As an adult, your parents may treat you more like a friend and confidant rather than as their child, and this means that they may individually turn to you to help deal with their grief, vent and lament about the other. If you find yourself having to listen to each of your parents complain, name call, and insult each other, you should speak up and put an end to this kind of behavior.
You need to remind them that you're still their child, and that you won't be put in a situation where you have to choose sides or speak ill about one of your parents to the other to appease their needs. They should still play a parental role and make sure that you're coping with the situation and dealing with your own whirlwind of emotions during this challenging time.
4. Don't Let It Ruin Your View of Relationships in General
If you're dealing with your parents' divorce as an adult, it's not uncommon that this kind of news start to influence how you view relationships in general. You may wonder how such a seemingly strong and happy relationship can simply crumble after all these years. However, every relationship is different, and just because your parents' relationship is now ending doesn't mean that your current or future relationships won't work out for the long haul.
Don't let their ending marriage negatively impact your view of dating and relationships. Staying positive and optimistic is the grown-up thing to do.
5. Understand That It Takes Time to Get Used to the New Normal
When you're dealing with your parents' divorce, you should recognize that it'll take time for you to get used to the new reality. It may be strange to split up during the holidays, see your parents living in different homes or even watch them date other people, and you won't suddenly feel OK with the situation overnight. By taking it day by day and understanding that there'll be highs as well as lows, you'll be better able to make sense of their divorce and settle into this new chapter of your life.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-deal-with-your-parents-divorce-4156973
The breakup may be painful, but most kids adjust well over time
Many of the 1.5 million children in the U.S. whose parents divorce every year feel as if their worlds are falling apart. Divorcing parents are usually very concerned about the welfare of their children during this troublesome process. Some parents are so worried that they remain in unhappy marriages, believing it will protect their offspring from the trauma of divorce.
Yet parents who split have reasons for hope. Researchers have found that only a relatively small percentage of children experience serious problems in the wake of divorce or, later, as adults. In this column, we discuss these findings as well as factors that may protect children from the potentially harmful effects of divorce.
Rapid Recovery
Divorce affects most children in the short run, but research suggests that kids recover rapidly after the initial blow. In a 2002 study psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington of the University of Virginia and her then graduate student Anne Mitchell Elmore found that many children experience short-term negative effects from divorce, especially anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief. These reactions typically diminish or disappear by the end of the second year. Only a minority of kids suffer longer.
Most children of divorce also do well in the longer term. In a quantitative review of the literature in 2001, sociologist Paul R. Amato, then at Pennsylvania State University, examined the possible effects on children several years after a divorce. The studies compared children of married parents with those who experienced divorce at different ages. The investigators followed these kids into later childhood, adolescence or the teenage years, assessing their academic achievement, emotional and behavior problems, delinquency, self-concept and social relationships. On average, the studies found only very small differences on all these measures between children of divorced parents and those from intact families, suggesting that the vast majority of children endure divorce well.
Researchers have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict during and after a divorce are associated with poorer adjustment in children. The effects of conflict before the separation, however, may be the reverse in some cases. In a 1985 study Hetherington and her associates reported that some children who are exposed to high levels of marital discord prior to divorce adjust better than children who experience low levels. Apparently when marital conflict is muted, children are often unprepared when told about the upcoming divorce. They are surprised, perhaps even terrified, by the news. In addition, children from high-discord families may experience the divorce as a welcome relief from their parents' fighting.
Taken together, the findings suggest that only a small percentage of young people experience divorce-related problems. Even here the causes of these lingering difficulties remain uncertain. Some troubles may arise from conflict between Mom and Dad associated with the divorce. The stress of the situation can also cause the quality of parenting to suffer. Divorce frequently contributes to depression, anxiety or substance abuse in one or both parents and may bring about difficulties in balancing work and child rearing. These problems can impair a parent's ability to offer children stability and love when they are most in need.
Grown-up Concerns
The experience of divorce can also create problems that do not appear until the late teenage years or adulthood. In 2000 in a book entitled The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, Judith Wallerstein, then at the University of California, Berkeley, and her colleagues present detailed case studies suggesting that most adults who were children of divorce experience serious problems such as depression and relationship issues.
Yet scientific research does not support the view that problems in adulthood are prevalent; it instead demonstrates that most children of divorce become well-adjusted adults. For example, in a 2002 book, For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Hetherington and her co-author, journalist John Kelly, describe a 25-year study in which Hetherington followed children of divorce and children of parents who stayed together. She found that 25 percent of the adults whose parents had divorced experienced serious social, emotional or psychological troubles compared with 10 percent of those whose parents remained together. These findings suggest that only 15 percent of adult children of divorce experience problems over and above those from stable families. No one knows whether this difference is caused by the divorce itself or by variables, such as poorer parenting, that often accompany a marriage's dissolution.[break]
In a review article in 2003, psychologists Joan B. Kelly of Corte Madera, Calif., and Robert E. Emery of the University of Virginia concluded that the relationships of adults whose parents' marriages failed do tend to be somewhat more problematic than those of children from stable homes. For instance, people whose parents split when they were young experience more difficulty forming and sustaining intimate relationships as young adults, greater dissatisfaction with their marriages, a higher divorce rate and poorer relationships with the noncustodial father compared with adults from sustained marriages. On all other measures, differences between the two groups were small.
Bouncing Back
Even though children of divorce generally do well, a number of factors can reduce the problems they might experience. Children fare better if parents can limit conflict associated with the divorce process or minimize the child's exposure to it. Further, children who live in the custody of at least one well-functioning parent do better than those whose primary parent is doing poorly. In the latter situation, the maladjusted parent should seek professional help or consider limiting his or her time with the child. Parents can also support their children during this difficult time by talking to them clearly about the divorce and its implications and answering their questions fully.
Other, more general facets of good parenting can also buffer against divorce-related difficulties in children. Parents should provide warmth and emotional support, and they should closely monitor their children's activities. They should also deliver discipline that is neither overly permissive nor overly strict. Other factors contributing to children's adjustment include post divorce economic stability and social support from peers and other adults, such as teachers.
In addition, certain characteristics of the child can influence his or her resilience. Children with an easygoing temperament tend to fare better. Coping styles also make a difference. For example, children who are good problem solvers and who seek social support are more resilient than those who rely on distraction and avoidance.
The good news is that although divorce is hard and often extremely painful for children, long-term harm is not inevitable. Most children bounce back and get through this difficult situation with few if any battle scars.
Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/is-divorce-bad-for-children/
I’m a child of divorce. Have you read the studies about me? Did you hear somewhere that I had difficulties in math class and/or severe emotional problems? Do you assume my teenage self ran away from home, used drugs and got pregnant?
You’d be wrong on all accounts. Except, of course, for the stat I didn’t mention above... the one about my higher risk of divorce. I am a child of divorce who has been divorced. But I don’t blame my divorced parents for that one. In fact, I’m rather grateful.
I was thirteen when my parents separated. At that point in my life, I was just becoming aware of love and romance, and for a time I was a little angry at my mom and dad for giving up on something so wonderful.
I’ll never give up like they did, I thought to myself. I’ll never get divorced.
Funny thing, my parents’ divorce wasn’t so terrible. Overall, it was a rather good thing for my family. I gained some pseudo-stepsiblings in the process, and I learned about the ways relationships can change. I saw my parents become better parents, and even friends, because they didn’t have to be domestic partners.
I began to see divorce not as a problem itself, but as a much-needed solution to a problem. As time passed, I was able to appreciate the ways in which my life had improved because of the divorce. I also saw my mom and dad grow as individuals, and I developed closer relationships with each of them as a result of our family structure.
So, what impact has all of this had on my adult relationships?
I’m OK with divorce. We’re all human beings, learning and growing as we walk along the path of life. Sometimes part of our personal growth involves ending relationships that no longer serve us, and that’s OK. Like I said, I’m now divorced myself. My ex and I were able to be honest about the state of our relationship, and we made the difficult choice to do what was best for both of us.
I think of divorce as a shared goal. So many people think of divorce in terms of war: where two sides face off and fight. That wasn’t the model I grew up with, thus I don’t know how to play that game. I believe the process of ending a relationship (like the process of building one) takes cooperation, communication and compromise.
I believe that families should evolve, not dissolve, through the process. As a child of divorce, I experienced far more gains than losses. I gained a second home and an extended family. I gained new friends in new places, new adventures and new relationships. These days I firmly believe that divorce should be viewed as an evolutionary process for families. Seeing dissolution sets everyone up for disappointment.
I’m acutely aware of my personal health in relationships. I know my needs, and I know my boundaries. I believe that compromises are necessary, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my physical or mental health in order to save a relationship.
When I consider new partners, I think about how what it would be like to separate from them. As I mentioned before, I think the end of a relationship is an act of teamwork. Therefore, I don’t want to get involved with anyone who wouldn’t work with me through that process if necessary. I’ve no interest in men who’ve indulged in dirty divorce tricks, nor those who are adamantly against divorce.
I am a child of divorce. But I don’t think of myself as broken. I don’t believe my childhood was lacking. I think my parents made a difficult choice which turned out to be the best decision for our family, and I benefitted from that. Nowadays, I see myself as stronger, more open-minded and with greater self-awareness as a result.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorced-moms/5-ways-my-parents-divorce_b_6030488.html
