In its simplest terms, divorce means separation. You’re splitting up. You’re breaking up. The two of you have made a decision to disconnect, detach and distance yourself from each other. But what about the relationships you have formed with other people because of your marriage? What happens if you don’t want to sever those ties? In other words, when it comes to divorce, what do you do if your in-laws dump you?
I’m not trying to be funny by saying this, but often times, if you can’t stand your in-laws, your divorce suddenly has a plus side. Think about it. You never, ever have to go out for lunch or brunch or dinner with them ever again! But, what if you actually like your soon-to-be ex’s family and friends, and they basically tell you to lose their number?
When I got divorced, my ex-husband’s entire family stopped communicating with me. I seriously have not spoken a word to any of them, other than an occasional “hi” in passing at one of my children’s sporting events.
At the beginning, when we first got separated, I kept waiting for a phone call.
“We’re really sorry this is happening,” I thought they’d call and say. Or, “Is there anything we can do?” Or even, “We don’t want to get involved, but we just want to let you know we are thinking of you during this difficult time.” Nothing. I realize now just how naïve I was.
I was the bad one, in their eyes. I was the enemy. I was ending my marriage to their son, their blood. I was the witch. The devil.
The things is, I don’t expect anyone’s in-laws to side with the non-blood relative, and I don’t expect them to be best friends with him or her. But, in my case, when I was married, my ex’s family was really nice to me, so to go from feeling like part of their family to being completely dismissed without a word was very hard, and it deeply hurt me.
It made me wonder, is an in-law’s love all an act? Is it conditional love? When you get married, are your in-laws just taking you in as one of their own because of your marriage license?
I actually know a person who told his family that he forbid them to speak with his ex, and they obeyed. Someone else I know was told by her ex-sisters-in-law that she was prohibited from attending her ex-mother-in-law’s funeral, even though the ex and her ex-mother-in-law were still really close, and the woman would have wanted her there. There is also a guy I know whose ex-mother-in-law will not even attend her own grandchildren’s birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to look at her ex-son-in-law. She’s so selfish that she’d rather miss the party (and hurt the kids) than show up and just be polite, regardless of her hostile feelings.
I think the families and friends of someone getting divorced need to be open minded, and think with their hearts, versus instinctively jumping to the conclusion that the person who is divorcing their loved one is evil and deserves to be dumped. No one knows what went on in a divorcing couple’s home. Even if it’s your very best friend, or your son, or your sister, you really don’t know. What you know is what that person told you. You have one side.
That said, being upset with the soon-to-be ex, and having feelings of hatred or blame or anger is acceptable and very understandable. But just for a second, remember that you took your soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law or son-in-law or daughter-in-law into your family. So, now that it’s over, do you truly want that person out of your life? Does he or she mean nothing to you?
What parents and siblings of divorced people should ask themselves is, “If I loved this person while my son or daughter or brother or sister was married to him or her, then don’t I love them still? Don’t I care what happens to them in the future? Or do I want to just dump them, take my loss and move on?”
So much depends on the circumstances, and each divorce is entirely different. If my best friend was divorcing her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her, I would hate him, and I would not want to stay in touch. If, on the other hand, my best friend and her husband of 25 years were divorcing because they grew apart and wanted to go their separate ways, that’s a different story.
There are boundaries, of course. I have a friend whose sister is having drinks with and getting together with her ex-brother-in-law. I think this is unacceptable behavior and tells a lot about the sister’s character. In other words, it’s NOT okay. But, it IS okay to send a birthday card, or call someone if they are ill.
Not all divorcees get dumped by their in-laws. I have a really good friend who is very close with her ex-sister-in-law. They do things together all the time. I know a guy who just drove his ex-sister-in-law and her new husband to the airport for their honeymoon.
In closing, here’s my advice. If you get divorced, expect NOTHING from your in-laws. Then, you’ll never be disappointed or hurt. Let them come to you (or not come to you) thereby showing you their true colors. I think it’s okay to reach out one time, and maybe say you’re sorry that things didn’t work out, maybe tell them how much you care about them (if you do, that is) and how much you hope you can remain close. And then, you have to be done. You have to move on and accept the loss, just as you are accepting the loss of your husband or wife.
And the last thing is, if you run into them and they don’t say hi, make sure you say it. Smile and be friendly and kind. If they are rude, so what? No one ever went wrong with kindness.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/jackie-pilossoph/did-your-inlaws-dump-you-_b_3372060.html
You just got the news that your friends, that couple you’ve known for years, are getting a divorce.
Maybe you’re surprised. Maybe you can’t believe they stuck it out this long.
No matter the circumstances, you’re wondering what happens next. What are you supposed to do? And what about the friendship? Should you try to stay close with both? Do you have to make a choice of one over the other?
You’ve never (or rarely) been through this before, and are understandably concerned. You really don’t want to do or say the wrong thing, and would feel awful about hurting anyone’s feelings.
Having split with my ex almost five years ago, I’ve endured a few uncomfortable encounters. There was nothing intentional — I’m absolutely convinced those friends (or former friends) weren’t trying to hurt me. But the fact is, they either hadn’t prepared, weren’t thinking, or couldn’t see the world from my perspective.
So, drawing on some personal experience and a couple of informed assumptions, here are six tips for still-married people who don’t want to hurt their recently divorced friends:
- Communicate with your own spouse about how you’re handling the newly-split couple. Several months after separating, I chatted with a husband at a school event. As we parted, he heartily called out, “Hey, see you at our house in a couple weeks,” referring to an annual party they threw. “No, actually you won’t,” I replied. “I wasn’t invited.” Yes, the very definition of “Awk...ward!” Whether you pick sides after a divorce or stay neutral, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page.
- If you go back to neutral after making a pick, you need to explain. There was a wife who made a point of declaring I was in and my ex was out, going into great detail about why I’d “won.” I would have understood if the couple had remained neutral, but frankly it felt pretty good. Until soon thereafter I saw that my ex was back in. What had changed? Had she pulled off a last second comeback? I don’t know, because the wife never said a word. Having been jerked around, I bailed, gladly ceding the “win” to my ex.
- It’s okay to acknowledge to the “loser” that a choice was made. I wasn’t invited to a milestone event thrown by a former couple-friend; no surprise, the friendship was really through the wives. Not long after, at another gathering, the husband approached and started to explain about their event. I cut him off almost immediately. I said it’s okay, I understand, there are no hard feelings, and I really appreciate you saying something. I’d much rather he do that than ignore me, or pretend there’d been no event. And if a “loser” spouse reacts angrily, you just proved that you made the right choice.
- Be really careful of anything involving the divorced couple’s children. An online invitation came out for an event. Among the guests, I was listed individually. And right below me was a line with my ex-wife, her new husband, and our son. Our 21-year-old son, who could have been listed individually like his contemporaries, or with me. But no, he was included with his mom and the new guy, as if he was their child, not hers and mine. Yes, it seems trivial — to a married person, whose family is intact. But to a divorced person whose family isn’t intact, it felt like a kick in the stomach.
- If one party in the divorce has been wronged, or it’s plainly obvious that there was abuse, infidelity, financial malfeasance, etc., then that wronged spouse is going to see neutrality as acceptance of the ex’s actions. And that spouse will consider any embrace of the bad actor a statement that you don’t care about the hurt he or she endured. You may think it’s not your place to judge, that you should mind your own business, and that neutrality is best for all concerned. And you’re eminently entitled to those feelings. But to the injured party, the choice of neutral equals choosing the guilty spouse, and you will either lose the relationship with the innocent one, or damage it significantly.
- If you stay social media connected with both, be aware when posting something about one. For instance, if you go out with the husband and his new girlfriend, then post a shot of the four of you, arms around each other, big smiles on your faces, in front of the hottest spot in town, captioned “Best time ever with Bob and (New Babe)! They rock!!!” then Bob’s ex is going to feel a lot like I did reading that online invite.
It’s very difficult to see your friends divorce, and then deal with the aftermath. What had been a couple is now two individuals — individuals who are in the midst of a really rotten time, whose emotions are raw, and who are easily hurt. But by taking a moment to think the situation through, by being honest, and by practicing some empathy, much of the awkwardness and unintentional pain can be avoided.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/barry-gold/6-tips-to-avoid-hurt-feelings-when-your-friends-divorce_b_8068252.html
During divorce, we all need to surround ourselves with people who can be helpful during every step of the divorce process. There will be a need for friends to vent to, a counselor to give guidance, a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights and based on your situation many others.
Below is a discussion of who you will want and maybe even need on your divorce team. If it’s possible you should have a list of people you want on your team before the divorce process even begins.
4 People You’ll Definitely Need on Your Divorce Team
1. Friends and Family
You’ll need friends and family who’ll be supportive of what is right for you and your family. Pick them carefully! Choose to confide in and seek support from friends and family who help you grieve the end of your marriage and focus on your future. Distance yourself from friends and family who encourage angry feelings or tell you to “take him for all you can get.” This is not the attitude you need to expose yourself to during a highly emotionally charged time in your life.
Surround yourself with those who offer you, love, help when you are in need help and take your best interest into account at all times.
2. A Good Mediator
There are different types of mediators and, if you get lucky and can choose your own, you want one that fits your situation. Are you uncomfortable being in the same room with your spouse? Then, find a mediator who can negotiate your divorce settlement without the need for both spouses to be in the same room.
A mediator is going to help you settle the most important aspects of your divorce. It’s imperative that you work with one you trust and have faith in to be fair to all concerned.
3. A Divorce Lawyer
You will want a divorce lawyer who is going to look at your divorce case from the big picture while giving you the legal advice you need to ensure you have weighed the pros and cons of every choice you make during your divorce.
You want a divorce lawyer who responds to your questions, can keep you knowledgeable about your rights based on your state's divorce laws and will advocate for you and your needs during your divorce.
4. Counselor or Divorce Coach
Having someone on your divorce team to support your emotional transition can make a difference in how long you are stuck in negative emotions due to your divorce. Everyone goes through a transition after divorce. Navigating this transition involves working your way through feelings of shock, anger, grief, resistance to change, and commitment to a new post-divorce life.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen people who are stuck in anger for decades after a divorce, and unable to move on and rebuild a productive life or find a new partner. Having a divorce team member that is licensed and trained to help you work through your negative emotions and toward healing is probably the most valuable asset you will have during divorce.
Every divorce situation is different. Some people divorce after a short marriage with few assets to divide. Some divorce after decades of marriage with children to consider, major assets to divide and complicated issues to be dealt with. The more complicated your divorce, the more people you will need on your divorce team.
Below are others you will want to consider adding to your divorce team if you own a business with your spouse, have great financial interests to consider or feel your needs are more complex than the average divorcing couple.
Accountant
Financial Advisor
Real Estate Agent
Mortgage Broker
Estate Planning Attorney
Once your divorce attorney has become familiar with your case they will be able to help you determine whether or not you need to add those above to your divorce team.
Going through a divorce is one of the top three stress-producing experiences you can go through. Surrounding yourself with the proper divorce team members will alleviate a large amount of stress and leave you to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally and physically.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/who-do-you-need-on-your-divorce-team-4128815
As a young girl, I instinctively appreciated the importance of friendship. I gravitated to older girls who I could admire and look up to. Reflecting on my adult friendships, I’ve come to realize that true friends stick by you no matter what. They’re there for you when the chips are down, your boyfriend cheats on you, or you lose your job. Since I grew up with three sisters and have been lucky to have many wonderful friends, I was surprised by how my friendships changed after my divorce.
After my divorce, which was over a decade ago, several friends seemed to vanish into thin air or became distant. To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me so many friends. I’ve spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I’m not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to research the topic.
What I found out may surprise you. While there isn’t much research on the topic of friendship after divorce, most studies report that after a breakup, friends often fall by the wayside. Fortunately, I found a highly informative chapter on post-divorce friendship in Dr. Bruce Fisher’s book, Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends. I was also inspired by a blog written by Aunt Becky for Cafe Mom’s blog “The Stir” entitled, An Open Letter to My Happily Married Friends. In this insightful post, Aunt Becky admonishes her friends to be more tolerant and empathetic about her recent divorce. She writes, “things don’t always work out as planned, my dear friend.”
Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they’re in the process of divorcing. Sadly, this was my experience and I’m still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The first Christmas after my marriage collapsed, I was struck by how few invitations arrived via email or my mailbox. I quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or become remote.
Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends — like some family members — aren’t comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or cool. They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you. Friends and family often take sides after divorce. Let’s face it — most people don’t have a clue about how to support a friend who is suddenly single.
Dr. Fisher, a renowned divorce expert, cites four main reasons why friendships change after divorce. I hope this list helps you gain insight and feel less isolated.
1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends — so invitations die off or disappear.
2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner — either the ex-husband or ex-wife. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.
3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. Several women I interviewed for my book Love We Can Be Sure Of told me that the shakier their friend’s marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.
4. Social Stigma. Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-orientated culture. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we’ve witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it’s still alive in many social circles. Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable.
Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it’s important to set boundaries. For instance, you might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation. Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful. Be sure to tell them the truth but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics. It’s normal to feel emotionally needy as you’re navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.
If you’re reading this and wonder how to support a friend post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you have to offer them is acceptance and a listening ear. Try to avoid appearing judgmental since they may be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful. Think about it — when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage, they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things. Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst. Some are definitely keepers.
In my case, I’ve been lucky to make new friends who have enriched my life since my divorce. Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status. I’ve been blessed with the good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do for them.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/why-friendships-take-a-di_b_2546249.html
You can’t control what people say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.
You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.
And sometimes you’re lucky, and people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.
Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:
“Just get over your divorce already!” – a helping professional, a friend, and a family member
“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” – a friend
“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” – a friend AND a family member
“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” – a parent
“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” – a friend
What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is WHO is saying it.
It’s your family. It’s your friends. And it can even be the helping professional you’ve turned to for help.
So on top of the dismantling of your marriage, all the legalities of getting divorced, needing to redefine your relationship with your ex, learning how to co-parent, helping your kids deal with the divorce, and everything else that you’ve got to do to rebuild your life after divorce, you’ve also got to deal with the betrayal of these people you thought you could turn to.
This is exactly when you start to wonder who you can still trust.
Getting divorced is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever experience. And yet it can also be one of the most important turning points in your life.
If you know how to deal with the BS that others throw in your direction, you’ll come out of your divorce stronger than ever. And the strength you build now will make your post-divorce life amazing.
So how do you deal with the shit? You keep a few important points in mind.
If they’ve never been divorced, don’t expect them to have anything important to say to you about yours.
Most people who have never been divorced only have TV, magazines and the movies as reference for what getting divorced is like. They have ZERO idea of how long it takes to get over a divorce or how painful it is. So don’t let them take up any of your precious emotional energy or thought with their opinions because they’re ignorant when it comes to divorce.
Just as you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to help you figure out what all the red spots are on your child’s chest, don’t expect your family, friends or maybe even your therapist, clergy or other helping professional who’s never been divorced to be capable of providing helpful opinions about your situation.
Most people are chicken shits.
They aren’t able to have the honest conversations you need right now because it would make them feel uncomfortable.
People will project their limitations and life experience on you.
We all see the world through our own eyes and very few of us can truly step into another person’s shoes to see life through their eyes. The result is that most people will ASSume (yes, I do mean this to imply that they’re making as ass of themselves) that what’s true for them is true for you too.
They may be weak and uninformed, but that doesn’t mean you are. In fact, it takes an incredibly strong and determined person to get through divorce – a person just like you.
Just because you now understand why they’re saying the BS, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.
You definitely shouldn’t just accept what they have to say.
One way you can turn their stupidity around is to use it to build a stronger sense of self. And the way you do that is by becoming completely aware of what you’re feeling as a result of their insensitivity.
Then name those feelings. You can either call the emotions what they are, or something more creative, like George, Ringo, Paul and John. Whatever works for you.
Once you know what the emotions are and can name them, you’ll be able to choose how you experience them – because you’re not simply feeling them any more.
This power of choice is incredible.
You might choose to continue experiencing the emotions as you have been, or you might choose to experience something else entirely. It’s by deliberately choosing your experience that you strengthen your sense of self.
You can best deal with other people’s fear of being honest be being honest yourself.
Tell them exactly what you think and feel. You don’t need to attack them, but articulating exactly how what they’re saying impacts you will make you feel much more powerful, and you’ll no longer be a victim of their words.
When people tell you that you can’t do something, you can use their negativity as fuel to prove them wrong. You know what you’re really capable of. They don’t. They may be weak, but that definitely doesn’t mean that you are.
We’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we could take back.
The problem is that when other people are way too human when you’re getting divorced, it hurts worse than it might at other times, because you’re already battling a whole lot.
By keeping these ideas in mind, you’ll emerge from the chaos and uncertainty of your divorce a stronger and more confident person – because you’ll have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU can trust YOU.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-deal-with-the-sht-people-say-when-youre-getting-divorced-wcz/
When someone loses a spouse through death or divorce, that loss can be devastating. A period of mourning follows, even in the case of divorce, because of not fulfilling the dreams they had for the relationship. However, there comes a time when life has to begin again, and many singles feel lost in making this transition part of a couple to being single again.
Below are 6 tips to consider when adjusting to being single again.
1. Get to know yourself.
When a couple has been together for a while, the choices they make on where to have dinner, how to decorate their home, their personal choice in clothing, or other decisions are usually made together. After a divorce, each person may not know his or her own likes and dislikes. Take some time to try new things.
Learn your favorite foods, what hobbies you enjoy, where you like to go for dining or entertainment. This can be a time of experimentation and discovery and can be enjoyable. You will find that many of the things you've always done may not have been your own personal choice. And you will also find that many of the things you liked doing before marriage are open to you again since your divorce.
2. Give yourself time.
Therapists recommend a minimum of one year after a divorce to get grounded as a person and avoid rebound relationships. A year is only a guideline.
Some people may need longer in order to feel they have gotten themselves grounded. Be patient with yourself and don't rush things. Rebound relationships are not fair to either party. Build a new relationship with yourself and don't allow fear of being single and alone drive you into unhealthy love relationships.
3. Join some groups or clubs that interest you.
Many newly single people join a divorce recovery group and that is the first interaction they have with others as a single person. It can be helpful to find a group you can be a part of, whether it's a writer's group, bird watching, book club, or whatever you like. Getting out there and getting involved will help you move forward in your life.
Nothing makes it easier to find like-minded people and fun groups than social media. If there is nothing in your area you are interested, search Facebook for open or private groups to join. You will find everything on Facebook for Quilting groups to Nascar groups.
4. Make new friends and develop a support system.
Some of your married friends may not feel comfortable socializing with a single person, especially if they are also friends with your spouse. You may find you have more in common with other singles, so seek out people that have common interests. This may be the time to strengthen relationships with your biological family and a good therapist. Having someone to talk to during this transition can make it much easier to cope.
5. Have fun.
Life is different as a single but that doesn't mean it can't be fun and fulfilling.
More and more people today choose to remain single, and thoroughly enjoy the single lifestyle. They list advantages such as not having to ask someone how to spend their money, eating whenever they feel like it and not on someone else's schedule, and not having to share a bathroom! Think of the good things that being single has done for you. Take time to enjoy yourself and laugh often. Laughter really is good medicine.
6. When you feel you are ready to date, take it slow and easy.
Single people often complain that dating has changed and they don't know the new rules. The only rules are to do what feels comfortable for you. You don't have to conform for anyone. Be yourself and be true to yourself.
Tip:
By easing through the transition from being half of a couple to being single, you give yourself time to make a life that is happy and fulfilling.
Be patient with yourself and you just might find you like being single!
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-adjust-to-being-single-again-after-divorce-1103020
My ex and I separated in January which left me the entire year to worry about what the Christmas season would mean for our children and me. I’m a lover of all things Christmas, the decorating, the food and getting together with family and friends. The holidays had always been a time of celebration and family in our home.
What the hell would that first Christmas be like as a divorced, single mom who was feeling anything but the holiday “spirit?”
If you are divorced Christmas may be a corner you aren’t looking forward to turning. Most people happily anticipate the holiday season but for some it is a period of loneliness, isolation, depression, conflict over visitation schedules and more time thinking about an ex you don’t want to think about.
And, that is OK; it is alright to have all the feelings above and then some. I promise, you are not alone, there are many out there dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that comes along with it. Don’t get me wrong though, just because it is OK to feel sad is no reason to wallow in the sadness.
If there is ever a time of year to put aside life’s stress it is during the holiday season. How do you get yourself out of your funk? One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than festive.
It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.
You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t feeling the holiday season is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoy the holidays.
Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you feel a bit more of the holiday spirit.
4 Tips To Help You Survive Your First Post-Divorce Christmas:
1. Don’t wait until the last minute to set up the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Get all those plans made by the end of October. Set them in stone! Know when, where and who your children will be with for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then put that stress aside. Get it taken care of then let it go.
2. Don’t participate in any holiday activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!
3. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through the holiday season. Spend time with people who are invested in helping your get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.
4. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time.
Being alone for the holidays doesn’t mean you can’t hang some ornaments on a tree. Or decorate the mantle. You don’t have to go all out and deck every hall but bringing out reminders of the fact that it is a “time to be jolly” will be doing yourself a favour.
I purchased scented candles and the holiday scents waffled through the house. I baked Snicker Doodles, took a bubble bath while listening to Emmylou Harris’s “Light of the Stable.” I then watched chick flicks from a bed with clean, crisp sheets and a plate of cookies and a glass of eggnog on the night stand. I missed my children but I took the opportunity to give myself the gift of relaxation and pampering instead of ruminating over the fact I was alone and not doing exactly what I wanted to do.
Stress and negative feelings during the holidays can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When the holidays finally arrive, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else, and relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. And whether you feel like it or not, you do have the ability to enjoy the holidays regardless of your situation.
Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/how-to-take-the-bahumbug-out-of-your-first-postdivorce-christmas/
We all need our friends, especially in times of crisis. Divorce and separation is one of those life crises where you might feel that you need all the friends you can get, or do you? It is interesting to think about what place friends occupy in the new and choppy waters of a painful separation.
Having run many divorce support groups and divorce workshops, I begin to wonder whether friends are always the helping hand and the shoulder to cry on that is needed. If they are, what is the price that is paid for that? It would seem that friends can be the opposite of what is expected simply adding to the feelings of disappointment. It is natural to think that those you thought were closest to you would jump to the occasion and provide all the comfort and security without being asked.
However, friends who you might have been on numerous holidays with as families or as a couple, or friends that you spent nights in the pub with, or Saturday nights having dinner with downing a bottle of wine and having a laugh sometimes seem to disappear. That feeling of taking for granted some very basic elements of security get whipped away at the same time as your relationship. It is incredibly painful to know that your friends are now inviting your ex and not you, and have perhaps ‘coupled up’ with your ex and his or her new partner instead of staying loyal to you. There are also friends for whom you are suddenly not the draw that you were before. I hear you say, that you are not invited anymore for dinner because you are not part of a couple and don’t fit, that somehow if you are female that you are a ‘threat’ to married men.
Then there are the friends who are real friends, but who you feel you are burdening with the looped tape of your divorce. You, of course, need to talk endlessly about your feelings and what your ex has done and continues to do, but your fear is that the friendship can’t sustain it. That’s when you need a local group or workshop or some individual sessions to support you so that you can be free to feel less burdensome of those around you that you love.
There are also friends who are full of wise advice. Is it wise though, or is it a reflection of their own agendas? It is impossible to hear someone close to you saying, ‘it’s time to move on, you should be over it by now, nobody liked him/her anyway. None of those things, although meant well are at all helpful. In fact, they are quite shocking. Those words put a distance between you and your friend who is not as understanding as you thought they were.
With separation come all sorts of changes and losses. Friendships are one of those. Lifestyle changes with divorce and so do friends. Don’t be surprised, be ready and think of it as a way of meeting new people more in keeping with your new life who will grow with you through it. They will be more relevant and fit better.
There is a loss inevitably, but there is also a gain.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/charlotte-friedman/a-friend-in-need-is-a-fri_b_2036772.html
You don’t often hear the words ‘divorce’ and ‘etiquette’ used together. When I hear the word ‘etiquette,’ I think manners, politeness, courtesies – again not things we usually associate with ending a marriage. And perhaps that’s exactly why so many people struggle to achieve a good divorce. So what is divorce etiquette and how can it help?
I’m not a fan of rule books but I do think being conscious about how you conduct yourself during divorce could help you better cope with the end of your marriage so you’ll feel less conscious, less awkward and avoid saying or doing things that you’ll regret later. If we did have more generally accepted guidelines on coping with divorce, then the breakups could be less disruptive not just for spouses but also for children, extended families, friends and coworkers. Who wouldn’t want that?
This episode of Conversations About Divorce is all about Divorce Etiquette and joining me for this fabulous conversation are Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell, authors of The Optimist’s Guide To Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create A New Life You Love.
What Is Divorce Etiquette?
When someone is going through a hard time, it’s part of our human nature to want to help. We often want to do something to let that person know we care. We want to do something to let that person know we’re sorry they’re in pain. But just like other difficult situations, we don’t want to say anything that will make the person feel worse.
Riss says, “When we are talking about divorce etiquette, we’re talking about making a difficult situation better rather than rubbing salt in the wound.”
It really comes down to acting with kindness and compassion in any situation. Setting that intention at the beginning of the process will guide you through the many points along the way when you have a choice. Riss says, “Make it your personal mission to treat them as you would like to be treated.”
Who Is Divorce Etiquette For?
Divorce etiquette applies to everyone whether that’s friends, family, children and especially your STBX. Both partners set the tone for the divorce and how you divorce, can be quite independent of your marriage. This means that you don’t have to carry over the level of disagreement and arguing from your marriage to your break up.
It’s important to think about this early, preferably before there’s even been a discussion about separating because it’s in that very first conversation that the tone of the break up starts to get set. There’ll be many points along the way where you’ll have the opportunity to reset the tone or reinforce it.
“We believe you can apply some rules for common decency with your partner as you go through the difficult process of separating,” said Riss.
Of course, treating your partner with respect doesn’t mean you’ll get the same back. Rockwell reminds us that you can’t control anyone else. However, “no matter how hard you are trying to be kind, understanding, compassionate, doesn’t mean that on that day, that argument, you’ll be getting that treatment back but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth maintaining that intention.”
You have to switch gears – once the marriage is over, you now have to work to transition your relationship with your STBX from a romantic partner to a business partner. That might be for the short term while you figure out the division of assets or it could be for a much longer period if you have children together.
Meeting Your STBX In Public
Meeting your STBX in public may be awkward, even embarrassing but there’s a high probability it’s going to happen. Knowing that means you can prepare.
“You have a choice at every step,” says Riss. “You can choose positive or negative.”
The example we talked about was what if both you and your STBX turn up at school to pick up your kids. Obviously, there’s been a miscommunication so what should you do?
“It’s best to try to work it out without embarrassing your kids,” says Riss. “If someone needs to be the bigger person, take on that role.” If that means you letting your STBX pick up the kids even though you’re convinced it’s your turn, so be it. Better that than having a brawl in the parking lot.
Another situation is when you arrive at your child’s event, maybe it’s a concert, maybe it’s a baseball game. Your STBX sees you and waves at you indicating they have a seat for you. Sitting next to them isn’t what you had in mind so what should you do?
Sockwell says how you handle this depends on whether your STBX is trying to control you. If it doesn’t feel safe for you to sit next to or near your STBX, then don’t. But otherwise, consider that your STBX maybe doing this with your child’s perspective in mind.
“If I were a child, I can’t think of anything I’d want more than to look out from the swimming pool, the stage or wherever I was performing, and see my parents together because they’re there not because they are in a relationship together but they’re there for me,” says Sockwell.
Friends Take Their Cues From You
Soon after my ex and I split up, one of our couple friends was hosting a cookout at their home. She called me and invited me and told me that they’d also invited my ex. She said that she and her husband liked us both, were friends with both of us and they didn’t want to choose who to invite so they were inviting both of us and leaving it up to us to figure out what we wanted to do.
This is a great model to follow but isn’t what typically happens.
Riss says the key word here is comfort. “People take their cues from you. If you’re comfortable, then the person asking you will feel relieved that you’re OK.”
Letting people know that you’re doing OK will make them feel comfortable inviting you to a social occasion.
There will be friends from whom you don’t hear. Sockwell’s straight-forward advice here is that if you’re missing a friend, then you reach out to them.
“Don’t assume they’re not reaching out to you because of what’s going on with you. They may have their own stressors or own health problems or their own separation. You never know,” says Sockwell.
Divorce is a difficult and uncomfortable topic and your friend not contacting you may be because they don’t know what to say. You taking the lead, can put your friend at ease and breakdown the barrier that threatens your friendship.
On the flip side, Riss recommends that if you know someone who is going through divorce, be proactive and let them know you’re there to support them.
Be Sensitive At Work
The workplace is a different environment. There, if you notice someone is not wearing their wedding ring, it may not be appropriate to comment in an open meeting. Sockwell says, “If they haven’t said anything, I’m not going to say anything because they’re probably doing what they can to hold it together.”
If they bring it up, then feel free to invite them to get together after work. If they don’t bring it up, then perhaps you can approach them in a private space to offer support.
If you’re going to need time off or flexibility for appointments, it’s a good idea to let your supervisor know what’s going on but Riss, recommends doing so once you can do it without breaking down in a flood of tears.
You may also want to consult with your HR department for guidance on how to handle changes to your benefit enrollments and also on company policy around name changes, if that’s going to apply to you.
Beware of Social Media
Both Riss and Sockwell agree that it’s very easy to post something to social media that you may regret later. Riss says, “Don’t react out of anger.” Social media is not the place to air your grievances. If you’re upset about something, call a friend and work through your anger another way.
Similarly, Sockwell recommends against posting updates that are calling for pity. She suggests keeping a journal and using that to work through your emotions.
Even though you may have blocked your STBX from seeing your posts, if you have friends in common then your STBX may still be able to see your posts through their feeds and that could end up hurting you.
Source: http://sincemydivorce.com/divorce-etiquette-can-help/
Ok, I’m sorry but even as you go through your divorce, as bitter and acrimonious as it is or can be at the time, there are some things that may happen, which you might indeed surprise you, hurt you or just plain “make you have kittens” as my friend June would say. I promise you though, that at some point you will sit down and “LOL” over some of them!
In the meantime however try very, very hard not to take the following personally, not easy it’s true but definitely not impossible:
1. Fleeing Friends: this will, most likely than not, happen and it will hurt but I promise you, you will not only get over it at some point in time but they will be the ones to come seek you out. They did me and I said no thanks. I was a friend in need which was obviously too much for them and that’s ok.
2. Nameunation (Name + Ammunition): I am not one to swear verbally let alone write it out but I think you can guess some of the names that couples call each other when the divorce war is in full swing! If these words are thrown at you during the divorce process just keep in mind that this is war and that’s what happens. I always remember the first time one of my exes called me a pretty insulting word, my first thought was, “Huh? “ I was literally shocked speechless! And all I could give back was, “Wait. What?” To which he quickly replied, “I’m hanging up now.” Sounds so civilised now - I promise you it wasn’t then. It’s a war. It’s a fight and he/she is reacting to a given situation and it just so happens to be you on the receiving end.
3. Threatorics (Threats + Rhetoric): Ridiculous threats that are so obviously pulled straight from the movies. “I’m gonna get you!” “I’m warning you!” “Be very careful, very, very careful.” I remember screaming over the phone to one of my exes, “I’ll see you in court!” I hang up and promptly burst into laughter and saying out loud to myself, “Seriously?”
4. Dwindling Invites: This is the weirdest thing and I’m not really sure why it happens. Either you get fewer invites out or the ones you get are only there because it’s a blooming children’s party. Dinner parties? Well, remember the Fleeing Friends, they continue having get togethers but somehow the email didn’t get to you, neither did the text, whatsapp, facebook message etc. Again, once you pick yourself up again, the invites will begin to come again, then it will be up to you to say oui or non merci.
5. Ignore anything else that has no bearing in the direction of your life today except to make you feel even more awful about where you are. This includes stuff that people will say about you, things that you will read about being a single mum or dad or anything that is not at all conducive to your well being. Leave it. Don’t analyse, don’t internalise it, just let it come and go like a cloud in the sky does.
6. Breakupinions - other people’s opinions about you and the place you now find yourself. Like it’s often said, “what other people think of you is none of your business.” You cannot change it and really is it that important?
Look if all else fails, make sure you have a fabulous support group of people or a person who knows how to keep you in mind and support you.
Go read some of my blogs they are there to help (www.soila.co.uk)
I’ll leave you with this quote by a lady known as Helen Rowland:
“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they don’t understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to."
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/soila-sindiyo/divorce-5-things-not-to-give-a-damn-about_b_3263091.html
When my good friend confided last August that her husband had been hiring prostitutes and had a sex addiction, I launched into fighter mode. I berated everything about him — his judgment, his narcissism (my diagnosis, not a professional’s), his cowardice and his abdication of fatherly duties.
My friend nodded as if on autopilot. She was depressed, yes. But I also assumed she was in crisis mode and needing a rescue. So I tried to rescue her. I cooked meals, pitched in for a house cleaner, set up informational interviews between her and prospective employers.
In the months following her discovery of his addiction, she decided to file for divorce. As one of her sounding boards, I reacted with shock or fury each time he hurt her. I opined on her divorce settlements, urged her to put her kids in therapy and often circled back to what a jerk her ex was.
I thought I was being a good friend.
But when two more friends told me of their pending divorces, I had a reaction that embarrasses me: exhaustion. Even though their situations were not about me, I had no idea how I’d summon the energy to help them fight as I had for my other pal.
Once I stepped back, I understood that no one had asked me to fight the good fight; I’d ascribed myself that role thinking it was what a good friend would do. That reaction is common but not necessarily helpful, says Irene Lee, a therapist in Colorado who works with individuals, couples and families.
“People tend to make situations about themselves, so a well-meaning person will start doling out advice without knowing all the facts and circumstances,” Lee says. “Emotional situations can trigger our own feelings and prejudices, and we project that onto the scenario presented to us.”
My response probably stemmed from unresolved issues regarding my own divorced parents and, later, a stepfamily. But that’s my problem. And their situation, I realized, was not an appropriate time for me to work out my own issues.
So what’s a better reaction than telling your friend her ex is a loser who never deserved her? Listen. People going through divorce are bound to feel a world of emotions — sometimes all within 10 minutes — and a good friend listens to them and validates their feelings with empathy, not pity.
My divorcing friends are doing better now. They generously shared with me what was most — and least — helpful from their friends. Here’s what they had to say:
Don’t denigrate their spouse. Sure, they may be furious, and you’re welcome to affirm their emotions. But even when someone divorces over infidelity or abuse, they may still hold positive feelings for their partner. Often, an ex-spouse is still a co-parent, so it’s not helpful to label him a lazy jerk when your pal will be forever linked to this person. Lee advises focusing on your friend — not their spouse — and what your friend might need in the moment.
Don’t offer uneducated advice. Unless you’ve been through it, you probably don’t know what your state’s divorce laws are or what a fair settlement would be. “We tend to problem-solve,” Lee says. “It makes us feel better to be useful, but we often ‘solve’ a problem that hasn’t yet been declared a problem, which isn’t ours to fix anyway.” Better to listen to your friend and if there are areas where you might be able to help — such as a job search or finding an attorney — ask if she’d like help before diving in.
Don’t insist on silver linings. You might think losing that dude who’s been dragging her down for years is going to be the best thing ever, but your friend doesn’t need a Pollyanna. Meet her wherever she is emotionally. If she’s feeling hopeful that divorce is the right step, support her decision and praise her for taking positive action. If she’s apoplectic at her soon-to-be-ex, give her space to vent. If she’s struggling and negative, accept those emotions and assure her that you love her and will be there for her. Remember: This is her experience, not yours.
Don’t make vague offers of help. When she’s eyeball-deep in unraveling her life, it’s not helpful to say, “If you need anything, I’m here.” Instead offer concrete assistance. Tell her you’d love to watch her kids on Saturday to give her a break, or ask what day of the week would be good to drop by with dinner for her and her family.
Don’t tell them about someone else you know going through divorce. It may seem helpful to make your friend not feel like they’re alone. But, Lee says, they are. “Their situation is unique to them, and they don’t necessarily want to hear about someone else’s problems,” she says.
As for myself, I’ve always been feisty. Put me in a stressful situation, and chances are I’ll fight, not flee. And I want to protect my friends. But watching girlfriends go through divorce and land on their feet (without me orchestrating it!), I’ve come to an important conclusion: Most people going through a major life change simply want to be heard. More often than not, that means putting aside the boxing gloves and reaching out to hold a hand.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/03/20/dont-say-these-things-to-your-friend-going-through-a-divorce/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.0ee9b829f594
I recently read an article about how important it is, in general, to “show up” for your friends. It got me thinking, specifically, about the toughest time I’ve gone through, my divorce. A few showed up, many didn’t and I understand why. Unless or until you’ve personally gone through it, you don’t know what to do. To those who would have shown up had they known what to do, to those who would like to show up in the future, here are the best ways to “show up” for a friend going through a divorce.
Say Something
Say something, anything. By the time someone goes through divorce publicly there have been months or years of fighting, turmoil, pain, anguish and often silence. Many feeling alone in marriage retreat to varying degrees. In my case I went radio silent. For several years I parsed my words carefully in my home. Free flowing with my kids, when my ex would enter our domain I’d tread delicately. If I could keep quiet for a few more days things might be OK, maybe a blow up could be averted, a holiday or weekend lived in peace. Eventually, exhausted by the horrendous ending to my 10-year marriage I couldn’t fake it anymore so quiet became my norm in and out of my house. I stopped speaking to most of my friends, no longer engaged in small talk around town and ceased making social plans.
When my divorce became public everyone around clammed up. The silence that surrounded me was deafening. I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. I know you’re scared divorce could spread into your home. But silence stings and it lingers. It’s so much better to say something, anything, the wrong thing rather than nothing. Call and stick your foot in your mouth, I appreciate the effort. Email and tell me that you don’t know what to say but are thinking of me, I feel supported. Text “I’m sorry to hear of your divorce” or send an old-fashioned note or card in the mail offering words of regret, I thank you.
Unless you will never see each other ever again, hiding and waiting it out won’t work. Six months, one year, two years later, I had many run-ins with those who hid. Each a cringe worthy reunion filled with extra apologies to make up for the one “sorry” that never came. If you’ve known someone for 5, 10 15 years, if you’ve been in their home or see them often at yoga class or at school drop off, reach out. If you celebrated the beginning of the union don’t disappear when it crumbles, reach out. If your kids are friends or were on the same baseball team, if you’ve got a bunch of mutual friends and heard the news, if you’ve stood as bridesmaid or groomsman at the wedding, reach out.
You won’t regret saying something and those on the receiving end will always appreciate it no matter how fumbled the delivery.
Don’t Gossip
We all gossip, it’s bad, but especially so when someone has spilled secrets they’d never normally share-were they in their right mind. Ever run into a recently divorced friend or acquaintance and they blurt out something that leaves you thinking, “I can’t believe she just told me that.” Well, she didn’t mean to and when it dawns on her an hour later she’ll hang her head in shame. I equate the fog I was in immediately following my divorce with pregnancy brain. I just wasn’t all there. Past and current trauma, worries for my kids, combined with an uncertain future and a newfound freedom to speak overwhelmed and short wired my brain. Typically discreet and private with the details of my marriage as the ship went down, post divorce I often found myself blathering on about a situation I’d never normally discuss. Many a brunch with my girls involved my relationship as the main dish and much regret hours later as I rehashed our conversations. I still share, but now when I do it’s of sound mind and body. We should all keep what we’re told to ourselves, it’s hard and no one is perfect. But if someone is going through it and spills it, stick the heavy in your vault. Leave the gossip to the truly light, shallow and meaningless.
Include, Don’t Exclude
When you get divorced you lose your family unit, you lose time with your kids and you lose some friends along the way. Human connection can help ease the pain of this very lonely time so it’s unfortunate that becoming a single is the single best way to halt invitations. I know all about Noah’s Ark, two by two they went. I get it; pairs and even numbers are how it’s done. Adding a seat for one screws up your table setting and sets everything off kilter. What was once a fun night out or vacation with two couples sounds dreadful to your man who will be outnumbered in the absence of my ex. Make adjustments if that suits you, invite other couples to what used to be a party of four but as you include more don’t exclude your newly single friend. Holidays, tense for all can prove especially fraught in the land of divorce and shared custody. The first few years after my divorce I preferred to stay home in bed on those special days when my kids were with my ex. Traveling to my family to sit among everyone in their normal setting, when nothing in my life was normal, was more than I could handle. Luckily I had a friend locally invite me to her table. I accepted and while I am mostly back to my family gatherings I appreciated her invitation, one that still comes every year. Make sure the divorced in your group have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving, Christmas, Passover and the Fourth of July. Don’t forget your Labor Day Barbeque, Superbowl party and any other gathering in which you find yourself inviting a dozen of your crew. Feeling left out sucks and more so when you’ve just lost out on everything you built and planned for. I know it’s a pain-we were in your coupled file, now you have to move us to your single file and I’m asking that you keep us in the invitation file for both. I apologize for the extra paperwork but assure you on behalf of the divorced crew we appreciate your efforts.
Check In
There was a period of time after my divorce that I would wonder, what if something happens to me on a day my kids are with my ex and no one notices until a few days later when they come back and find me rotting on the stairs? My family is local and I’ve got a good group of friends but we’re all busy and consumed with our own lives and responsibilities. My response time to emails, texts and calls varies so there’s no reason anyone would worry if they hadn’t heard from me for a few days. Thus my recurring fear of rotting alone somewhere I had fallen and couldn’t get up. It’s obvious on February 14th to check in on a newly single friend. When your calendar reminds you of a friends anniversary the first year they’re divorced, that’s a clear prompt to call, text or email. It’s fairly likely on Valentines Day, anniversaries and birthdays that someone will offer up some attention to your friend that needs it. It’s the other 362 days a year that attention is sparse. Do what you can to regularly check in on that friend. Once a week say “hey,” if it’s a very close friend how about once a day? Not forever, just the first few critical months. After daily check ins as I settled into a new home, soon enough my bestie and I were back to our usual pattern of me calling and texting and her, taking her sweet, far too long in my opinion, time getting back to me.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-show-up-for-a-friend-going-through-a-divorce_us_592e1631e4b047e77e4c3f7e
Are you stuck or right where you should be?
When was the last time you thought about life with your ex? Last week? Yesterday? Two minutes ago?
A month ago, a man named Joseph called me to tell me that he was four years post divorce, but he felt like he was stuck in his recovery. Not a day went by when he didn’t think about his wife—how much he missed her, how sad he was that she left him, and how lost he was in the world. He realized that the feelings he has now are only mildly less intense than those he had when her leaving was fresh.
It’s normal and healthy to relive both good and bad moments in time when you were married. It’s an unavoidable part of the grief process. But there will come a day when, if you aren’t moving forward, the very same thoughts and feelings will be deemed unhealthy.
Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. If we don’t bounce back, that means the healing is stalled and it’s important to get a handle on why you might be stuck.
How long your emotional recovery takes depends on a number of factors such as whether you saw the split coming, whether it was your choice, whether you were left for another, whether you have kids, whether you are self-supporting, whether you’re getting adequate help and whether you have the right resources and information around you, to name a few.
There is a way out, but most people need some kind of help to get there. I can say this with confidence after 15 years of doing this work. I’ve seen who gets beyond the divorce and I see who gets stuck (and why).
Seven Tools for Getting on the Other Side of Your Divorce Grief
Those who get on the other side take advantage of a combination of at least three of the following seven tools:
1. They read books to help them sort out their experience and their feelings/reaction to the experience.
2. They have a strong support network that will go the distance with them (often friends and family are available for a couple of months but then you may feel like you’re a downer all the time or that you’re burdening them (or they stop taking or returning your calls!).
3. They journal.
4. They seek professional help.
5. They join a support group.
6. They allow themselves to be where they are and they don’t try to rush through the grief process or pretend to be further along than they are.
7. They want to feel better (this one may seem obvious but it's crucial to getting better!).
This week, one of my group members, Sally (not her real name), announced that, after 2 1/2 years, she feels she’s FINALLY getting past the divorce being her entire story. It was when she realized she had a “normal” weekend that she became aware that she was in the new chapter of her life—not waiting and wishing for it any longer!
Because she’s been dealing with a narcissistic ex (one of the most difficult kinds of exes!), she has had to work hard on finding ways to minimize the impact of his cruel and often unpredictable treatment. She knows she will never get it right 100% of the time, but what’s so good is that she knows that it’s not about her (and the best part of her healing is that she now knows it never was about her!). She’s free to move on. And wow, does it feel great.
Along with participating in one of my groups, Sally was in individual therapy, she read lots of books on the subject and she was a big journal writer (there’s actually exciting new neuroscience showing the benefits of journaling* so, while it may seem passive, it’s actually moving the pain out of your brain!) She definitely wanted to feel better right from the start but she couldn't imagine how she'd ever get there.
Joseph, on the other hand, assumed that time would heal his wounds and he was too proud to reach out for any kind of help. He didn't speak to anyone, didn't read anything (except maybe on-line tid bits once in a while), and he felt like such a loser that he didn't think he even deserved to feel better. As a result, he became stuck in his grief.
But it’s never too late to reach out and I’m confident that Joseph will find his way through the process.
Here are some books I suggest you read on healing and, if you’re interested, please contact me to join the 4-week Stronger Day by Day teleseries. There’s more information below:
READING LIST:
Stronger Day by Day, Susan Pease Gadoua
Beyond Divorce, Jeannine Lee
Splitting, Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/contemplating-divorce/201505/how-know-if-you-re-stuck-in-your-grief-post-divorce
