When you’re divorced, a new school year for your kids means a lot of communication with your ex, and that may, in a word, suck. But as one mother who’s been there writes, there’s a cardinal rule of parenthood and that is: It’s hard and not really about you.
Get out those Trapper Keepers and sharpen your No. 2 pencils—it’s Back-to-SchoolWeek! Going far beyond the classroom, Lifehacker is bringing you genius tricks and ideas on how to start routines, brush up on old skills or learn something new this fall.
Your children need a community of adults who are on their team, helping them learn and grow and thrive. The transition back to school is an important time to set up systems and routines, lay out expectations for every member of the family, and establish a sense of predictability.
While every situation will look different, here are some ways to make back-to-school transitions smoother as co-parents.
Prep the Teachers
To minimize confusion and uncomfortable remarks, inform your children’s teachers of their family situation, ideally before the first day of school. Provide an overview of their routines—who’ll be dropping them off and picking them up on which days, and where they’ll be staying each night. Giving teachers this information up front not only provides them with some context for any emotional issues that may come up, but it also allows them to plan ahead. Perhaps they’ll proceed with more sensitivity when it comes to those “My Family” projects that can sometimes be painful for kids of divorce.
Set Your Own Boundaries
You and your ex should should aim to stand as a united front as co-parents, but only you know what you can handle. Ask for what you need. Many teachers are happy to schedule two separate parent-teacher conferences if a joint meeting would be too uncomfortable.
After writer Erin Silver got divorced, she felt “stumped and upset” when her children’s school asked her to send in a family photo. On HuffPost, she shared her thoughts and the solution that worked for her.
Should I send in an old family photo from when my ex-husband and I were married? Should I send in two separate photos, one of the kids with their dad and his partner, and one of the kids and me with mine? I ended up doing what felt most comfortable and natural for me: I sent in one of my boys with their dad and one of the boys with me. I worried my son would be upset to have two photos while everyone else in his class had one family photo, but he was actually happy to have everyone in his family represented.
Sync Up Your Routines
While no two homes are the same, you and your ex can establish some basic morning and after-school routines so your kids’ lives have a predictable rhythm. Homework, meals and bedtime are the three big areas to discuss. Decide on your rules: No playing outside until after homework is done? Everyone sits together and eats at the dinner table? No TV on weeknights? If you can set up pretty similar guidelines at both houses, your kids will know what’s expected and will be less likely to try to bargain by using the claim, “At Dad’s, we do this ...”
Share a Calendar
For both parents, you need one online calendar to share info about science project deadlines, volleyball practice, and when the money is due for school pictures. Google Calendar works well for this.
Older kids can view the shared calendar, but younger children will need something more tactile. This customizable custody calendar from Mighty + Bright (pictured above) lets kids see which parent they’ll be with on each day of the week. The simple visual aid helps put the child’s life in context, letting them know what’s coming next and reducing their anxiety.
Use Technology to Keep Everything Together
Co-parenting-focused apps such as 2houses, Alimentor and Our Family Wizard help you track expenses (for everything from back-to-school supplies to health insurance), manage court dates, organize medical records, switch weekends on the calendar, and more.
While it all may seem overwhelming at first, these back-to-school transitions will become easier over the years as you and your co-parent find routines that work for everyone.
Source: https://offspring.lifehacker.com/how-to-transition-your-kids-back-to-school-as-co-parent-1814076770
“I think we should get a divorce,” I said, as I thought about what it would be like to sit for more than 30 seconds without listening to a mini-tyrant shouting demands.
“What?” my husband replied, while wrestling a shirt onto our son. Confusion, possibly laced with irritation, settled in the wrinkles near the middle of his forehead.
“A divorce. It would guarantee a break for both of us at least every other weekend. Or more. Think about it.”
“You’re crazy.”
Maybe, but I wasn’t entirely joking. My divorced friends have more time to themselves now than they ever did while married. They have a contractual, court-ordered decree that guarantees them four days (or more) every month without children … or a spouse. It sounds like some sort of Tahitian getaway. Where do I sign up?
I love my kids, but raising two spirited children under the age of 5 leaves very little downtime. I’m on my feet the second they open their eyes and for the 15 hours that follow. Grappling matches over everything from who owns a broken Dory toy to who gets the sliver of crust from my turkey sandwich are hourly occurrences.
Divorce would give me at least a day or two to sleep in, clear my head and recover from the parenting marathon I run most days. There would no objections or surprises, because I’d have an official paper that states: “It’s your turn. I’m off this weekend.”
Even when my husband and I are both home, it’s exhausting. They say it takes a village, but at our house, it takes a tag team jacked up on Red Bull and 12 shots of espresso. Even those wear off before the kids wear down, and at 7 p.m. — the period we call “the storm before the calm” — both kids catch a second wind and turn the marathon into a sprint. We put on happy faces, but at that point, we’re both running on fumes.
My husband doesn’t work a typical 40-hour schedule. It’s not unusual for him to leave at 7:30 a.m. and arrive home well after the kids have gone to bed. In many ways, I’m like a single parent. On the days he is home, there’s life to catch up on: yard work, bills, grocery shopping, excursions with the kids. We don’t have time for ourselves, together or alone.
We also don’t have family nearby who can bail us out or fill in on the occasional date night. Given that our kids are a handful, we don’t trust a random babysitter. If they push us to the brink of throwing on some sneakers and taking off like Forrest Gump, imagine someone who is not bonded by blood, or love, watching them for a few hours. The risk is not worth the reward.
Our options are limited, and divorce seems to have some benefits. And I’m not being silly or selfish.
According to a study published in the journal Demography, happiness has a scientific correlation with being a parent. The study revealed that before having kids and during pregnancy, people were pretty darn happy. After? Not so much. Parenthood surpassed other major life events, such as divorce and unemployment, in causing drops on the happiness scale. Maybe if more parents had a chance to catch their breath, the real smiles would return. I can vouch for that.
Research also shows that divorce is not all that devastating for most children. Sure, it comes with some consequences and a huge adjustment period, but overall, kids bounce back. A 20-year study conducted by psychologist Constance Ahrons, and published in her book “We’re Still Family,” showed that about 80 percent of children of divorce adapt well and have no lasting negative effects on their grades, social lives or mental health.
Child-development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb analyzed thousands of studies conducted over the past four decades. He concluded that children do well when their parents or caregivers get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.
So where does that leave parents, like me, who are in desperate need of a break? Ending the marriage could be the answer. Debunking the long-standing belief that divorce does not make people happier, a recent study suggests that while it can be difficult, it’s well worth it for some individuals.
While I’m desperate for a little me time, I don’t think I’m one of those people. Despite feeling somewhat envious of happy divorcées, I’m committed to my husband and children. I don’t need a divorce; I need a break. And there are better ways to get some time alone. (If only the bedroom closet offered room service.)
A few days ago, my husband asked, “Were you serious about getting a divorce?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders as the kids spun around my feet.
While I’ve toyed with the idea of the every-other-weekend divorce vacation, I’m married for the long haul. I owe it to myself, my husband and the kids. But on the off chance that I decide to don sneakers and long, rogue chin hairs, I won’t be trekking across the country. If I run away, I’m heading for Tahiti.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/03/02/parenting-would-be-so-much-easier-if-my-husband-and-i-got-divorced/?utm_term=.5cae95711b3d
Cooperative parenting during the post-divorce Christmas season means putting your kids needs first. Let the season be magical and your kids carefree as you insulate them from any animosity your feel towards your ex or his family. The following tips can help make the holidays easier for everyone involved.
10 Ways to Make the Holidays a Little Easier and Happier for Your Child of Divorce
By: Brette Sember
The holidays can be a challenge for any parent, but when you're going through or recovering from divorce, it can be even harder. It's not only hard on you, but also on your child, who wants to please both parents, and also secretly wishes those parents would reunite for the holidays "like they used to be."
1. Plan Ahead
Make a detailed holiday plan with your ex as far in advance as possible. Plot everything out on a calendar, including transfer times and who will be providing transportation. This will reduce any last minute negotiation, bickering, or disagreements, so that transfer can go smoothly. Kids pick up on a lot of tension at transfers and will enjoy their holidays much more if things are as calm as possible. It will also make your life much easier to know what the schedule is to the minute.
2. Go Shopping
When you got divorced you thought your days of shopping for your ex were over, but your child would probably like to be able to give the other parent a gift. If you can facilitate this, by helping your child shop for an inexpensive gift, or by helping your child make a card or gift, you'll add to your child's holiday experience.
3. Pick up the Phone
If your child is with you for a holiday, have him call the other parent. This helps your child stay connected and is also, frankly, just the right thing to do. Even if your court order does not require phone contact on holidays, this can help your child feel more comfortable.
4. Go with a Gag Order
Agree with your ex that you will not discuss anything other than the business at hand when you're exchanging your child over the holidays. If there are things to be discussed about child support, alimony, future schedule changes, or issues you have with each other's behavior, table them for a time when your child is not around. A holiday celebration that is preceded by parents arguing is not very joyous.
5. Over-schedule Yourself
If you won't have your child with you for a holiday, it will likely be hard for you. It's ok to feel sad, but you can stay busy enough to distract yourself. Go to parties and events so you will have something to do. Don't give yourself time to let sadness overcome you. Focus on how you will celebrate the next time you are together with your child.
6. Schedule Meals
A kid who is overfed is often cranky. And the same goes for a hungry child. The holidays are a time of great celebration, but it's also a time of year when people eat the weirdest things at the craziest hours... Dinner at noon, sandwiches at 11 pm, Chinese food at midnight? Whatever your family's plans are, try to coordinate with your ex when your child will be eating next so that you don't send a stuffed child to the other grandma's Thanksgiving table or hand over a hungry kid at 6 pm who won't be fed again until 8 pm.
7. The Greatest Gift of All
With young kids, the greatest gift of all is a nap. It's a gift you give yourself, your child, your ex, and all the family who will be around your child. It's very, very hard to stay on schedule at this time of year, but try your best to get a nap in at naptime for your child. It might mean going a little late to a family party or leaving a little early, but it will be well worth it. Keep naptime in mind when you are scheduling holiday transfer times and schedule well around it whenever possible. With older kids, downtime is important. Think how tired you are after going to your own family's events; then imagine you are your child who is going to yours and going to your ex's as well.
8. Lower Your Expectations
It is too easy to build up the importance of a holiday, so that anything short of a magical winter wonderland event will fall short. If you spend weeks fixating on how perfect you can make it, the big day will not measure up. It's fun to look forward to the holidays. But don't let it take over your life, or your child's.
9. More Is Not More
More gifts, more candy, more decorations, more celebrations will not heal your heart or your child's. A gift may distract your child for a while, but it can't change the situation. Resist the temptation to shower your child with gifts to try to make up for the divorce. If possible, talk with your ex about gift-giving so that it does not become a competition between the two of you.
10. Embrace Tradition
It's common for kids to want things to be exactly the same as they remember them, but in your family nothing can ever be exactly the same. Instead, you can take old traditions and fit them into your life in a new way. Keep things that are familiar and beloved, but build on them in new ways so that you can gradually create new traditions for your new family.
Source: https://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-christmas.html
Having separate homes may not qualify as ‘bird’s nest custody’. But by building a whole new relationship with your ex, the spirit of nesting can help maintain a healthy environment for your children
Ten years ago, roughly nine months into our divorce, my ex and I started to build a relationship. The immediate aftermath of our split had been a sour blend of quiet and hurt. We tried to make politeness our default position, and it occasionally held. What kept us connected was our boys, then six and nine. They cut through whatever anger sat between us. We held to that one point of agreement: change the boys’ lives as little as possible. After children have seen their lives inverted, that all sounds a bit feeble, but it was a seed.
Their mother retained primary custody. The boys lived with her in the only house in New York they had known, a loft in lower Manhattan. Before moving back to my childhood neighborhood in Brooklyn, I spent two years in an apartment close to Ground Zero, then a generally inactive construction site. In 2006, it was just a way to live near the boys’ home and school. The ghosts were quiet and my kids liked the hotel restaurant next to my building.
When a central home is maintained, and parents cycle through it while the kids stay put, it’s called “bird’s nest custody” or “nesting”. We were improvising, with the help of therapists, and didn’t know what nesting was, even if we mimicked it. We maintained two separate homes, so our arrangement didn’t qualify, though we kept the boys’ concerns central. Our interactions with each other in the first year were the least generous. But a second rule went into effect early: no badmouthing the other parent, whatever the topic. And we were lucky – we liked and respected each other, beneath the turbulence. That’s where we had started. So the irregular interactions led to a committed decision to not be ugly, even when that seemed impossible. There was enough doubt and hurt for all four of us – anything to clean the air helped. It was a way of being both selfish and considerate.
Even when there wasn’t much of it, talking was a boon. When living together, decisions can be made by default, without negotiation. Sightlines become assumed statements: “There she goes with the morning drop-off. I guess she’s OK with it.” But when you live in two places, and children aren’t old enough to travel alone, every movement has to be discussed. Who will take whom where and when? Can you take Friday night, because Thursday I need to do something for work? Generosity encouraged reciprocity. The marriage cynic would say: “Well, sure. You had to get along because you can’t engage in the silent warfare of marriages.” But of course you can fight, if one parent doesn’t care about seeing the kids. That wasn’t the case, and a cold war never came. We had no choice but to talk.
Whatever else may vex me about cellphones, beginning with my own dependence on them, they allowed a reliable line to my kids. In the past 10 years, we’ve rarely gone a day without talking or texting, even when one of them had a Soviet-style flip phone that could only burp four words a minute.
Not everything clicked smoothly into place. Talking involved just as many unpleasant standoffs as reasonable compromises. “You’re letting them see what? And do what? And miss what school event?” But the distance between households in two different boroughs meant disagreements needed to end quickly. We couldn’t pretend the proximity of a shared house was some simulacrum of “dealing with it”. If we didn’t table a problem, we wouldn’t know how the other parent felt, or what we were supposed to be doing, empirically, minute by minute.
Parents make decisions that are as constant as the subjects are varied. They can involve, but are not limited to, middle schools; high schools; unexpected silences from a normally chatty boy; punishments for ambitious, unauthorized parties; whether or not 48 Hours is a comedy; the choice of a party restaurant really far uptown, way the hell away from Brooklyn; and other traditional life events.
I had no control over the most useful development. Two years into our divorce, my ex reunited with her college boyfriend. (Facebook is not entirely evil.) They became permanent partners, both wearing engagement rings to this day. “Marriage ruins everything,” they said, so suspended in love they remain, without any help from the state. Her partner became a third parent to my boys. It is hard to accept that he’s seen them more than I have in the past eight years. It would be harder to accept someone into our family who wasn’t willing to talk through whatever came up, and continues to come up.
Which is not to say the ache overwhelms the memories. For every breakfast I’ve been absent from, there is a trip to Junior’s Restaurant just for cornbread and coleslaw. For every Broadway play missed, there’s a duet of two fools twisting to the Fearless Four on dishtowels.
Right now, all three are driving back to New York with my youngest son, now 16, after visiting a few colleges in New England. Not being there does not get easier for me. Debriefing helps.
Source: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/oct/14/nesting-divorce-parents-children-custody
Is joint physical custody best -- or worst -- for children?
I am a big advocate for joint physical custody. If at all possible, I want children to spend a lot of time - and have good relationships - with both of their parents after a separation or divorce. But there are several problems and potential pitfalls with joint physical custody. I touch on the most important in this entry, including:
- For children, joint physical custody is the best and the worst arrangement.
- Joint physical custody is a lousy "compromise" between disputing parents.
- Joint physical custody is being used, wrongly, to lower child support payments.
- Joint physical custody is not necessarily 50/50.
- Joint physical custody requires a lot of logistical coordination.
- Joint physical custody is less stable over time than sole physical custody.
- Joint physical custody apparently works only for a minority of families.
Before addressing these points, let me be clear about terms. Different people, and different laws in different states and countries, use different words: "custody," "parenting plan," "parental rights and responsibilities" etc. I have no investment in a particular term. Parents living apart need to decide how to divide children's time between two households (physical custody), and they also need to decide how they will make big and small childrearing decisions (legal custody). So, you can call these issues "time" and "decisions," and drop the sometimes controversial term "custody" altogether. I sometimes do just that, but use "custody" here as convenient shorthand.
Another clarification: I think sharing big decisions - joint legal custody - is a no-brainer. Joint legal custody should be a presumption unless there are good reasons not to do it. But note the "big decisions" qualifier. Joint legal custody does not mean that parents get to second guess each other constantly. More on this in a coming blog.
Finally, a little preface about why I like joint physical custody philosophically. Children have two parents. Most children want to have a relationship with both of their parents after a separation, and most divorced parents want relationships with their children. Family relationships can and do continue despite the many upheavals of divorce. The old model of divorce as a family feud, where only one parent raises and "owns" the children is, well, the old model. Divorced parents can be parents even if they are no longer lovers.
I am a big advocate for joint physical custody. But...
BUT joint physical custody is the best and the worst arrangement for children. It's the best when parents can cooperate enough to make joint physical custody work for children. It's the worst when joint physical custody leaves children in the middle of a war zone. The best research supports this conclusion. In low or controlled conflict divorces, children fare better in joint than in sole physical custody. In high conflict divorces, children do worse in joint physical custody than in other arrangements. Admittedly, existing research is imperfect and very hard to do. But this "best and worst" conclusion also is commonly held by seasoned practitioners, and it makes good common sense.
BUT joint physical custody is a lousy compromise for disputing parents. Why? Because joint physical custody is the best and worst arrangement for children, and it's all but certain to be the worst when parents end up in court (because the parents, by definition, aren't working together). For judges, this means that joint physical custody may seem like a fair middle ground, but that's an illusion that keeps kids trapped in the middle. For parents who want it, this means you have to try to work out joint physical custody with your children's other parent, because wise judges already know it's a lousy compromise for children in high conflict divorces.
BUT joint physical custody is being used wrongly to lower child support payments. In my home state, Virginia, for example, child support schedules define joint physical custody as having 90 overnights per year with your child (for the purpose of calculating reduced child support payments). It's truly amazing how many parents insist that they need 90 overnights with their children. (The magic number differs from state to state, and so do many parents' demands...) If you really want 90, or more, overnights with your children, let's talk. If you really want to pay less child support, well, sorry, but raising children is expensive.
BUT joint physical custody is not necessarily 50/50. When I hear a parent insisting on exactly 50/50, I really worry. I worry that the parent is thinking about getting his or her half of the pie, not about the children. Sure, 50/50 can work. So can lots of different schedules. I consider about 25% of overnights as being joint physical custody in terms of having enough opportunity to have a rich relationship with your children. That might mean a schedule that is a week on and a week off, Wednesday through Saturday, every Thursday and Friday over night, or dividing the school year and the summers. And there are a million other options, many of which I discuss in my book, The Truth about Children and Divorce.
BUT joint physical custody requires a lot of logistical coordination. Kids forget stuff. Be prepared to drive soccer cleats or the tuba or the antibiotic to your ex's house. Oh yeah, and kids take short cuts. Be prepared to communicate regularly with your children's other parent. What about? Not about your own stuff. About your kids' stuff. Homework. Weekend plans. Discipline. Stuff like that.
BUT joint physical custody is less stable over time than sole physical custody. Several studies show this. And this isn't necessarily a problem. Kids' needs and desires change. So do parents' needs and desires. People move. New partners get involved. The changes can make a lot of sense, and changes can make things work better. So file this concern under "something for parents to consider" not under "why you don't want joint physical custody."
BUT joint physical custody apparently works only for a minority of families. At any one point in time, maybe 10% of children from divorced families are actually living in joint physical custody. (There really isn't great research here, but even the highest estimates I've seen aren't much bigger.) Why is the number small compared to the amount of talk about joint physical custody? I think it's for all the reasons I've discussed. Joint physical custody is definitely an option to consider - it's my preferred option for cooperative parents. But it's only one of many options that can work for divorced parents and for children.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorced-children/200905/joint-physical-custody
Your marriage may be ending, but you and your soon-to-be ex can still preserve what you created together – your family – using the collaborative divorce process.
For the last 26 years, savvy couples have found a newer, kinder and gentler, way to divorce – and keep their private and confidential business private and confidential – without having to go to court or allowing a judge make decisions for them. Collaborative divorce offers an alternative dispute resolution with you, the couple, making your own decisions. You each have an attorney, to advocate for you, both collaborative attorneys, committed to working in a civil and respective manner to allow couples to reach an Agreement acceptable to both.
The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) now has more than 5,000 collaborative divorce professionals who provide services in 25 countries. In New Jersey, where I practice, collaborative divorce professionals take pride in being in the vanguard of helping couples dissolve their partnership/marriage in a non-adversarial manner to preserve the sanctity of the family they have created.
Finding Collaborative Divorce Professionals for Your Team
Couples seeking a divorce should ask self-proclaimed “collaborative” attorneys and other divorce professionals if they are members of the IACP and what specific training in the collaborative method they have taken. There are eight collaborative practice groups throughout New Jersey, for example. One of those, the Collaborative Divorce Association of North Jersey, requires members to have 40 hours of mediation training – an important, relevant skill set – in addition to training in collaborative divorce. Its members have continued advanced education throughout each year to expand and update their skills.
A collaborative divorce team often includes a a financial professional and a mental-health professional, both of whom work as neutrals in the process.
Licensed collaborative financial professionals help protect the family’s interests by reviewing a couple’s assets, debts, income, and cash-flow to help them develop viable options for the future that will work for both parties. They are skilled not only in dealing with numbers but are also trained to do their work in the emotionally-charged atmosphere of couples dissolving their marriages.
The Role of the Mental-Health Professional
Licensed mental-health professionals may serve as a facilitator to help diminish any animosity that could threaten to derail the process. They also function as a divorce coach to help individuals and couples cope with the emotional obstacles that are part and parcel of ending a marriage.
Another key member is a child specialist: a licensed clinical mental-health professional who works with children to cope with the impact of having their family come apart. The child specialist meets with parents first and then the children to understand their needs, fears, and wishes. Children don’t always share their feelings with parents because they don’t want to further upset or anger them. The child specialist’s role is brief and focused.
Although the facilitator, coach, and child specialist are licensed mental-health professionals, they are not offering therapy in these roles. If that seems warranted, they would refer the divorcing client to another professional. However, they do utilize their clinical skills to guide parents and their children in navigating the muddy waters of the family in crisis. Divorce is such an emotionally intense experience, for all, having professionals with specific skills in this area can offer priceless guidance toward helping each family member progress.
The Right Divorce Professional for the Job
In the collaborative divorce process, each professionals has specific areas of expertise to offer that are best suited to clients’ needs and pocketbooks. For example, a couple would not pay attorney fees for dealing with emotional, communication, or parenting issues. Instead, mental-health professionals – at a lower fee – would be best suited to deal with such concerns and situations. The collaborative team is an experienced grouping, with each professional utilizing and sharing their specific expertise to help other team members, when appropriate, to offer a more comprehensive way of addressing the multitude of situations that can arise. Rather than letting things fall apart, the team strives to present a wellness approach for the future of the family.
Why Choose a Collaborative Divorce?
- Collaborative professions work to help couples resolve issues in a more positive way and can be more cost effective.
- Keeping out of the courtroom offers more privacy which is much desired by couples with high worth or public profiles.
- There is no judge involved who has to review the documents of scores of people so you benefit from more personal attention.
- You work directly with collaborative professionals who are dedicated to helping you both to create a plan that works best for your family’s needs.
- Convenience. There is no court schedule, or costly cancellations. Collaborative professionals work around your time frames and respect your emotional readiness to continue – or take a breather – when needed.
- A team of divorce experts, with specialized training and experience, efficiently addresses your family situation.
- The collaborative way helps you protect your children from the potentially damaging fallout of a “messy” divorce. The goal is to preserve parent’s mutual respect to ensure cooperative co-parenting, crucial to children’s well-being.
- After the divorce is over, some team members are available to advise on post-divorce situations or to revise any aspect of the final agreement.
Your marriage may be coming apart, but you and your soon-to-be ex can still preserve what you created together – your family – in two homes, using the collaborative divorce process. When it’s time to come apart – especially if you have children – collaborative divorce allows you to come apart “together.”
Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/7-reasons-to-consider-collaborative-divorce/
Tomorrow is ‘Divorce Day’ or ‘D-Day’, the first day back to work after the holidays when divorce inquiries to solicitors traditionally double. If you’re in the process of a break-up, FRANCINE KAYE, a relationship expert and author of The Divorce Doctor, offers advice on how to survive the split with your dignity intact.
STOP THE LAWYERS FIGHTING
Visiting a family mediator with your former partner will save you time and money by drawing up the basic guidelines for your dignified divorce. Alternatively, find a collaborative lawyer who will work co-operatively with the other side. Lawyers are trained to be litigators, not therapists, so they have to be reminded you are not at war.
Avoid provoking your former partner by responding promptly to any requests for documentation and information.
DON'T BE DEFENSIVE
This may be hard to swallow, but if your ex says ‘I want the children on Wednesday night’ or ‘I’m not paying for that’, your job is to understand their needs before becoming defensive.
When you immediately react defensively, you just prolong the war. Instead try using the following as a model response to whatever they express:
‘When you say you want the children on Wednesday night [specific behaviour], I feel frustrated [my emotion] because it means that I cannot take the children swimming, which I want to do [the impact on me]. What I want is for you to keep to our agreed contact plan so that I can make arrangements for myself and the children or give a reason why you want to make changes [my desired outcome].’
Use all four parts of this message to put yourself back in control and let your former partner know your boundaries.
QUIT THE BLAME GAME
Taking responsibility for your role in any conflict that may arise at this challenging time is probably the last thing you want to do. But playing the blame game only allows the problem to continue. Ask yourself: ‘How am I partly responsible for this conflict’?
However resistant you are to the idea of negotiating these issues with your former partner, taking responsibility for your part in disagreements will make it easier to reach resolution.
CHILDREN DON'T DIVORCE
In Britain, one in four children lives in a split family. But children don’t divorce, parents do.
It’s your responsibility to make sure your split is as easy as possible for your offspring. In order to raise well-balanced children who grow into adults capable of having great relationships, it’s our duty to help them understand that just because their parents’ relationship didn’t work, it is possible for Mum and Dad to heal their hearts and go on to love again.
PLAN TO PARENT
Create a parenting plan, agreed by you both, that covers the main aspects of caring for your children.
Ideally, your plan should cover contact arrangements, holidays and keeping each other informed about illness and school-related activities.
If your children have challenges of any kind, put aside your own disputes and talk (yes, I did say talk) about how best to deal with them. You will have different ideas and both ways will have their merits.
LIVING WITH THE ENEMY
Often circumstances dictate that you still have to live together after divorce. To begin the letting-go process while still living together, you’ll need to create the following personal boundaries. Decide:
How to talk and listen to each other.
How you will handle the finances.
What to share in terms of food, household products, cooking and cleaning.
What is your personal space, what is your spouse’s and what is shared.
How you will parent.
Where you will sleep.
When you both know and have agreed on what is expected, then firm boundaries will be established.
REGAIN IDENTITY
What makes you happy? Emerging with your identity intact after divorce means finding out what your rules for your new life will be.
What are your interests and passions? How do you take care of yourself? How much time do you make for you?
Your divorce gives you the opportunity to regain your identity and redesign your life the way you want to live it. Take time to think about what you want in your life after divorce.
LEARN TO CO-OPERATE
Your past does not equal your future — unless you allow it to. In the past, you and your partner did what you did and said what you said with the resources you had available to you both at the time.
If either of you could have done it differently, you would have done. The truth is neither of you knew any other way.
Divorcing with dignity means there is no blame. When you are able to view yourself as an individual and no longer someone’s partner, the process of emotionally divorcing will be complete.
There is life after divorce and as you gain emotional strength each day you will emerge stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible.
Source: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2081049/New-year-new-start-How-divorce-dignity.html
Modern divorce is not about who was the meanest or who slept where. It's about the money. Both spouse's income and assets are -- or should be -- on the table. But couples don't always know a lot about each other's finances, or where to look. They might not even realize how much less they're worth, due to the squeeze on incomes and the housing depression.
Divorce rates fall during hard times because couples can't afford the split. But for people quitting anyway, the struggle ramps up. Here are 10 tips for getting the most out of a diminished marital pot:
1. Follow the money. If you don't know much about your spouse's finances, or aren't sure that everything is on the table, snoop. Any financial documents can be a clue to income or property: Online bank and investment accounts, life and homeowners insurance policies, payroll and retirement-plan statements, financial statements filed when you took out a mortgage, a copy of the will or trust, credit card statements, and tax returns (if you don't have copies of them, you can get joint federal returns for the past five years by filing Form 4506-T).
Assuming that you know your spouse's Social Security number, you can also get his or her credit report free online, at AnnualCreditReport.com. Unexpected debts or charge accounts might show up.
2. Dig into your spouse's business. Wholly owned businesses are notorious for shielding income from the IRS or from a spouse. Tax returns might not present a full picture of what the company actually earns. If a lot of money is at stake, hire a forensic accountant -- your divorce lawyer will know one. The accountant will press for documents that show more fully where all the business assets are and how much cash is floating around.
3. Protect your flanks. You'll need personal money to tide yourself over during the months it takes to reach a settlement. If your spouse hit you with the split by surprise, he or she is probably prepared, so you're at a disadvantage. Holding some money separately makes sense in any relationship. So do separate credit cards. Freeze an open, joint home-equity line and joint credit cards immediately, so your ex-to-be won't be tempted to run up extra debt. In "good" divorces, the freeze should occur by mutual agreement. In bad divorces, one spouse could be left without credit or access to cash.
4. Nail down any money you brought to the marriage. You can normally take inheritances and any pre-marital personal savings away with you, even in a community property state, as long as it stayed in your separate name. If you mixed it into the general pot of assets acquired after the marriage, however, it will probably have to be divided when you separate, in amounts depending on state law. You might get a larger settlement if you can show that your money financed the family business or your ex's professional education.
5. Go after the pension and retirement accounts. Individual Retirement Accounts, 401(k)s, and company pensions all have to be divided, although not necessarily in half. If you each have plans, both of them are up for grabs.
You can split an IRA with a written agreement, but you need a court-ordered Qualified Domestic Relations Order, or QDRO, to win part of a company plan. The QDRO should say what you'll get, when you'll get it, and how the value will be figured. The company has to approve the wording, to be sure that it follows all the plan rules. Otherwise you won't be paid, no matter what the divorce agreement says.
You'll need an expert to check the value of a traditional pension. If you can get only a future payout from the plan, you might want to trade it for more cash or property now. If your spouse has stock options, an excess benefits plan, or any other type of deferred compensation, negotiate for a piece of this, too.
6. Don't expect permanent alimony. A spouse with low or no income might get alimony, but awards are often not enough to support your current standard of living and are often for a limited time period. Judges expect dependent spouses who can do so to go out and get a job
Homemakers -- male or female -- sometimes think they'll do better coming into court looking "poor," says family law attorney Linda Ravdin of the Bethesda, Maryland, law firm, Pasternak & Fidis. All that does, she says, is to leave your ex free to argue that your potential earning power is, say, $80,000 -- and what does a judge know about it? You should get a better settlement if you can show that you've applied for jobs and will probably earn much less.
7. Fight for health benefits, when you don't have your own group plan.If your spouse carried the family coverage, you can usually stay in that plan, at your expense (or your ex's expense, depending on the agreement), for up to three years. Don't let these benefits (called COBRA benefits) slip away. You have to apply within 60 days of your legal separation or divorce.
8. Get tax advice right from the start, if there's a lot of money at stake.You'll want to know what any proposed settlement is worth after tax. There are lots of tricks. For example, say that the child lives with the wife, who takes the child to day care so that she can work. The husband might pay her an amount equal to the day-care cost in the form of temporary alimony. That way, he can deduct the payments on his tax return. The alimony is taxable income to the wife, but she can offset it by taking the child-care tax credit on her return.
9. Get financial planning advice right from the start. How much will you need to support yourself? Can you cover the cost of the house, if you take it as part of the settlement, or should it be sold and the proceeds divided? Is your spouse proposing to give you the risky investments while he or she keeps the safer ones? A good planner will help you think through these issues during the negotiation. One source of advice: The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts.
10. Put $$$ in your pocket by avoiding a battle with your spouse. In hard times, divorcing couples struggle for every dime. But the more you fight, the more of those dimes vanish in lawyer's fees. If there are no children and few assets, you can usually do the divorce yourselves, even if you're only speaking by email. Otherwise, try to reach a preliminary agreement before a lawyer comes into the picture. Consider a divorce mediation professional, or a collaborative divorce where couples and their lawyers agree in advance to bargain instead of going to court. For more information, check the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals or Divorcenet.com.
Divorce, unlike marriage, lasts until death you do part. It's important to get the agreement right.
Source: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/10-steps-to-avoid-losing-your-shirt-in-a-divorce/
Be no fooled – there is no such thing as a pain and anxiety-free and easy divorce. But, there are extremely difficult and ugly divorces, and there are those that are much easier on one or both sides. Ideally, the couple will agree on getting a divorce and on the terms of it prior to even filing for the legal dissolution of marriage. This article will show you a few things you can do to ensure that the divorce goes smoothly emotions-wise (as much as possible) and you get an ease divorce emotionally.
1. Talk about resolving problems as two cooperating adults
Marriages tend to fall apart gradually. It’s rarely (we can say it’s never) some sudden unexpected bomb, it’s more of an erosion. Every argument that didn’t end in a resolution of the problems or kind words of understanding and apology chipped a piece of the relationship. And it is normal for couples to fight. As the matter of fact, not fighting about anything ever is an indicator of a potential emotional detachment and a lack of intimacy. But, there are good and bad ways to quarrel.
Now that your marriage is close to being finished, there isn’t a need to resolve past issues anymore. Not those such as who will take out the trash and on which days at least. You also have no more right (or cause) to be jealous or angry about similar things. It just doesn’t matter anymore.
Yet, there are also issues you now need to tackle, ideally before you even seek out lawyers. You will have to get on the same page about a lot of pragmatic issues. The mortgage, the house, the expenses, the children, the time together, the future. So, now you need to learn how to talk to your soon-to-be-ex-husband or wife and how to resolve problems as two cooperating adults.
2. Grieve your failed marriage
You surely heard about the need to grieve your failed marriage a few times. But this is not just a phrase. You do need to go through all the same stages of mourning as you would if you lost someone close to you. As you did. You lost your future plans, your home is changing, you won’t be having your spouse there by your side in all life situations.
This may sound scary, but, it is all a matter of perspective. What you do need to do is spend some time deliberating about your emotions, and let yourself feel sad, scared, devastated, angry, or however you might be feeling. You will probably be bouncing between different emotions at different times, and this is all right.
The main thing is to understand where you are emotionally at any given moment and to adjust your actions to that. For example, don’t make any big decisions when in rage. Know that, this too shall pass. Getting a divorce is a trauma and a very stressful event. However, the moment you step into the process, your healing also begins. Which is why, if you want an easy divorce emotionally, you need to be aware of this and not push yourself into feeling great before you’re ready.
3. Change your perspective
Yes, divorce is tough, without a doubt, however well executed. It has a potential of destroying your life. It will most definitely change it to its core. You may be very sad for a very long time, you will be more prone to depression and anxiety, you will be stressed, scared, and uncertain of what the future brings.
However, there is also another perspective on things. One that can make this stressful event become a positive thing that had happened to you. This is the perspective of growing. Western culture promotes the belief that things have to be a certain way for us to feel good. More precisely, we feel strong aversion to change and have an inclination towards keeping the things as they are. And we sometimes prefer unhealthy relationships over being single, just for the sake of that false sense of security.
However, if you move your viewpoint just slightly, you will notice that the Universe is constantly changing. And it is unwise to expect our lives to stay the same all the time. You are about to experience a big change in your life. A small change in perspective can make a difference between a ruined life and a beautiful future.
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-get-an-easy-divorce-emotionally/
Raising your kids after divorce isn't easy. You constantly worry about how the split will affect them in the long run -- and let's face it, interacting with your ex in the name of co-parenting isn't always a walk in the park.
Still, if you strive to put your kids first, divorce can absolutely be an opportunity to be a better parent than you were before your marriage ended. Last week, we asked our Twitter and Facebook followers to share with us what they believe is the best thing you can do for your kids after divorce.
See 18 of our favorite responses below.
1. "Don't talk badly about the other parent. Modeling good behavior by getting along with your ex is really critical to the kids' stability.
2. "Be consistent in everything you do. Be dependable, reliable and make them laugh. Often."
3. "Remember this: Genetically, your kids are 50 percent your ex. Every negative thing you say about him or her, you're saying about the kids, too."
4. "Be honest with your kids in an age-appropriate way."
5. "This is a good time to be a smotherer. Smother them with love and support and remind them that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that ultimately, it will be for the best."
6. "Get a therapist for the kids during the divorce, not after. We did so and my kids really benefitted from having someone removed from the situation to talk to about their feelings. She encouraged them to open up and helped us sidestep a lot of serious issues."
7. "Act like adults."
8. "Understand that some situations don't lend themselves to co-parenting. Consider alternatives like parallel parenting. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean that your spouse has changed."
9. "Allow your kids equal time with both parents. They deserve it."
10. "Don't blindly follow advice from books on post-divorce parenting. The best way to comfort your kids is to go off what you're sensing from them, not what some self-help author told you to do."
11. "Be empathetic about the grief they are experiencing. Encourage them to talk and don't judge their feelings."
12. "Put their needs first, even before your own. Everything you do should be done in their best interest and nothing you do should be done without asking how your choices will affect them."
13. "Try your hardest to co-parent. Be there for your ex so you two can support your kids as a team. It's no longer about the adults so put any animosity aside and do what is in the best interest of your children."
14. "Realize how futile it is to trash-talk your ex sooner rather than later. The kids will determine the merits and minuses of each parent on their own."
15. "If you're allowing the kids to choose who they live with, don't make them feel guilty about their choice."
16. "Keep in mind: They're the innocent victims in the situation. Treat them accordingly."
17. "Never use your kids as a weapon, a go-between or a spy against your ex. And never talk negatively about the other parent near them or anywhere they can hear or see it (hint hint: Facebook)."
18. "Love your kids more than you hate your ex."
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/parenting-after-divorce-advice_n_6679462
I've been divorced for three years, and my mother is still hoping it's just a phase.
"Are you sure you don't want to invite him on vacation?" she will ask me of my ex-husband, whom she still adores.
Although my ex and I include each other on every holiday, kid's birthday and special occasion, I'm not going to be inviting him along on vacation anytime soon. We're in a great — but still divorced — spot.
Still, she asks. And I'm hardly an exception.
A divorce may separate a couple, but it doesn't necessarily extend to members of the other's family. And this, in turn, leads to tricky situations. What do you do when your family is in love with your former spouse? Or you're in love with your former in-laws? How does everybody establish boundaries while still keeping the peace?
Although it's not always easy to maintain or sever ties, it's worth the effort to recognize the situation and find the best solution for everyone involved. In many ways, it's easier today than it was in earlier generations.
"I was a product of a divorce in the '80s and any time my parents and extended family were in the room, it was so uncomfortable," said Linda Perry, a divorce consultant and author of the ebook on mediation, "A Clearer Path — The Divorce Consultants' Complete Guide to Divorce." "But today, my kids — who are products of divorce — find it incredibly easy to be in the same room with my former in-laws and me because my ex and I set the foundation that (it's) OK for everybody to get along."
Perry said that unless there was a history of physical or emotional abuse in the marriage, making it important to limit if not end personal connections, having a friendly relationship with your ex and/or his or her family can be very beneficial — especially if children are involved.
"In divorce, you don't only lose a partner, you lose an entire side of the family," Perry said. "The old way of doing things was to declare war, but today, it's about finding new ways of communicating."
And these days, it's easier than ever to find new ways.
Technology makes it simple to stay in touch, from an emotional or geographic distance, especially if being together in person is too emotional, said Stacy Kaiser, a licensed psychotherapist based in Southern California and author of "How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know" (HarperOne).
Here are additional tips from the experts on navigating post-divorce relationships:
Create a schedule. Connecting with "ex-laws" on pre-determined dates defuses potential jealousy or resentment from all parties.
Perry, who is also an integrated life coach, has worked with many couples to establish a schedule, either with a mediator or through a counselor, to address time spent with former in-laws.
"I had a couple set things up in mediation and it avoided so many problems," Perry said. "They talked about when the grandparents will see the kids and what the holidays would look like. It helped lay the groundwork for how things would go for all of them, and the extended family had to follow suit."
Set boundaries. If you and your former in-laws are still lovey-dovey, be senstitive to your ex's feelings; a divorced spouse watching from the sidelines as his or her parents continue a close relationship with an ex can be mildly annoying to highly exasperating. If you're the frustrated party, talk to your own family first.
"My mom stayed close to my ex-husband for a while and she would call him and invite him to things all the time and finally, I had to say, 'Please check with me first,'" Perry said. "Enforce it gently — there's no need to be defensive. Just say, 'This is a sensitive issue for me and it's OK to include him from time to time but I need to be sure that it's something I'm confortable with.'
"And you may have to enforce that boundary over and over. It really takes time for them to get used to it because divorce is also hard on them too."
Kaiser agrees that being specific is the best way to set those boundaries.
"You have to think of every scenario that might come up and see what you would be comfortable with, and then relate that to your family," Kaiser said. "If your ex has a birthday party, are you OK with your parents going? You can make ground rules that say, 'I'm OK with you having a relationship with my ex but it would really bother me if you ... called him regularly or attended a big event without telling me.' Be very clear so there are no hurt feelings."
Ask your former in-laws how they'd like to move forward. "Sometimes you're closer to your ex's family than you are to your own so letting go of that daily contact might be tough," Kaiser said. "Some can handle it while others need a clean break because it's painful, so I think the first thing you do is check in with the ex's family and say, 'Are you wiling to have a relationship with me even though I'm not married to your son or daughter? I still consider you to be family and want to be in your life.'"
But be prepared to accept that your former in-laws aren't ready for a relationship, Kaiser said.
"It's hard (not to take this personally) and it's completely normal to feel sad, hurt and even angry," she said. "This is a decision they made because of their relationship with their child, and it does not pertain to anything about you, your personality or your behaviors. If you do believe that they are not having contact because of something that you have done wrong, then it's important that you apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes, and let them know that you're hoping they will change their mind."
Be honest with yourself about your motives. Are you sure you aren't clinging to an ex's family in the hopes that you will still be connected to your former spouse?
"For some people, desire to be in contact with an ex means that either they are harboring some hope of getting back together or that they are still trying to keep the connection that they once had," Kaiser said. "A lot of people who want to be in contact with their ex don't take the time to figure out the underlying motivation for it and as a result can end up hurt, blindsided or rejected. It's important to be clear in your own mind about your reasoning for wanting to stay connected."
The benefits of distance. Staying too close to your ex in-laws can also be counterproductive, Perry said.
"I worked with a man whose ex-wife spent summers with his parents because they just loved her so much," Perry said. "She didn't have a family and was very attached to his, but this has cost this man several relationships because the new girlfriends can't handle how much the ex-wife is in his family's life. So while it's nice to be in contact, you have to find a balance."
Technology to the rescue. "Traditionally, the old-school way was (that) all ties were severed during a divorce and your ally was your blood relative," Kaiser said. "Nowadays, there's email, and texting. You can be in peripheral touch in a way that you couldn't before we had cellphones and email."
Social media is another option. "With Facebook, you can keep those former in-laws in the loop with pictures but it's not intrusive or hurtful," Kaiser said. "The best practice is to try and find a balance between taking care of what you need and being considerate of everyone else's feelings."
Know where to find help. Kaiser said finding the right emotional support can help during those tough times.
"When you're feeling particularly vulnerable, sad or angry, you want to go lean on a support system filled with those who are your people. They're on your team. Whether it's your immediate family, a therapist or a close friend, they will tell you all the things you need to hear."
Perry also suggests the following sites: http://www.2houses.com/en, http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/, http://www.bothparents.com/wordpress/.
"These are great online co-parenting tools that help people organize their scheduling and finances after they are divorced — and it works whether the couple is talking or not," Perry said.
Source: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0722-divorce-inlaws-20140720-story.html
On a recent Sunday morning, 10-year-old Kaia woke up in the mood for crepes, something her mom, Alison, makes like a pro. So Alison whipped up the egg batter while Kaia's dad, Wes, pulled out the frying pans. Big brothers Oliver and Noah sliced strawberries and tracked down whipped cream. "The kids love when we do family breakfasts," says Alison, 42. "On the weekends, we form an assembly line so everyone can pick their toppings." The kitchen of their Minnesota home is large and comfy. On the wall is a calendar that tracks soccer practices and doctors' appointments. Tacked up next to it is another schedule, one with alternating weeks labeled "Mom" and "Dad." It's a custody chart.
To say that Alison and Wes are still close seven years post-divorce is a laughable understatement. In 2010, they scrapped their separate living arrangements and moved back in together with their children, Noah, 15, Oliver, 13, and Kaia. The whole brood now shares a rambling old Victorian that Wes, 43, a carpenter, gut-renovated to accommodate everyone--including Alison's partner of five years, Shari. The parents say the screenplay-worthy move came after seeing the tailspin effect their split had on the kids. "They never seemed to find a peaceful place, moving back and forth between our two houses and keeping up with two sets of stuff and two sets of friends," says Alison.
This type of living situation, in which exes share or rotate through a single home that their children stay in full-time, is called "nesting." As kooky as it may sound, Margaret Klaw, a Philadelphia divorce attorney who's been in practice for 25 years, says it's on the rise: "I wouldn't have seen this even 10 years ago, but now more couples try it, sometimes just for a year or two during transition." Rob Crane, M.D., an associate professor of family medicine at Ohio State University who nested with his ex and their daughter, explains the motivation: "Allowing kids to stay put in their house instead of uprooting them every couple days can minimize the psychological injury of divorce and give a sense of normalcy at home." His arrangement attracted so much interest from friends and strangers that Crane started a website, kidsstay.org, where those considering it can get more info.
Nesting is obviously not an option for everyone; it could prove disastrous in a split that involves violence, for example. But it's one of the many new ways that exes with children are becoming better and happier "apartners." Exes who are not only amicable but loving are part of a divorce revolution, along with mediation and collaborative divorce (in which both parties hire lawyers but agree to keep it out of court). "It's the beginning of a nationwide change of thought that divorce has to be a confrontational thing," says Richard Kulerski, a Chicago-based lawyer who now specializes in friendlier tactics after 40 years on the battlefield of divorce.
Even in these happier splits, tensions are high at first. Alison, who now teaches co-parenting classes with Wes at a local community center, says, "When Wes and I first broke up, we couldn't be in the same room without our mediator. Gradually, we found a way to relate by focusing on what was best for our children." Their setup isn't without its critics, who tell Alison that she's "messing up" her kids. She says divorce equals hatred to these people because that's all they've ever seen. "It only takes one parent--even if the other is out there getting a restraining order--to say they're willing to work together. Rarely do partners get to that point at the same time, so you have to be patient."
The key moment for Wes, whose own parents divorced when he was young, was the Sunday evening when he asked Kaia how the weekend had gone with her mom. "It was clear she had done something fun with Alison and someone she was dating. I could tell she was pulled apart, not knowing if she should tell me," he recalls. "Finally, she let it out. That's when I realized I had a choice: to close off, or say, 'Oh, that's awesome!' And that's what I did. I couldn't stay tied up in despising Alison anymore. After I let go, living together didn't seem so crazy."
When Alison and Wes first brought up the idea of moving back into one home, their children worried that they would fight as often as they did during the death throes of their 10-year marriage. Alison admits they still know how to push each other's buttons, but now they make a real effort to acknowledge when they slip up and criticize each other unfairly--as they do from time to time, being human and all. "We're not avoiding conflict; instead, we're dealing with it differently," she says. Their son Noah says the turnaround in his parents' relationship borders on miraculous: "It's hard to believe. Almost right away I noticed that the fighting had died down. It seemed like heaven."
The new communal custody
Making things easier on the kids is, of course, the most powerful incentive for ex-spouses to keep turbulence to a minimum. Numerous studies have shown that having combative parents increases children's emotional volatility and aggressiveness. The general rule in the mental health field, says John W. Jacobs, M.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York University, is that the worse the conflict between parents--whether they are married or divorced--the more difficult it will be for their children to form close relationships later in life. To protect their kids from this potentially nasty fallout, some exes are working hard, if not harder, at their relationship after the marriage is over.
Linda Kietzer, 50, got divorced 11 years ago and now lives only a half mile from her ex, Jonathan, whom she meets frequently for dinner to catch up on their two children's lives. Yet she says she still runs into people who expect her to bad-mouth him, because they just can't picture a split that is anything less than bitter. "We're fiercely loyal to each other," she says. "I shut down any negativity immediately." Milwaukee-based family therapist Holly Hughes Stoner says she's seeing more couples like Linda and Jonathan, who are really trying to find some common ground. "The more parents can say, 'We're still a united front'--with a lot of focus on the we--the better," she says.
"This idea of a dad pulling up in a woodie station wagon to take the kids every other weekend while the mom can't even look at him is really not what I'm experiencing as my reality," says Magda Pecsenye, 39, who with her ex-husband, Doug French, created the candid divorce blog When the Flames Go Up. Magda and Doug aren't the first exes to blog about divorce, but doing it together? That's what made them such a novelty when they popped up in the blogosphere in 2010. One of the things their readers appreciate most, says Doug, 46, is that they write so honestly about the challenges of true 50-50 custody. After coming across a sweet note that Magda had slipped into their 9-year-old's math textbook, Doug posted: "As it turns out, you can...create something that is, though not ideal, eminently livable: the situation when you're glad she's no longer your wife, but you're also glad she'll always be [your kids'] mom."
The Huffington Post picked up on this new, open conversation and in 2010 launched an entire section devoted to working through divorce. "Obviously people don't get divorced because they're happy with each other. Nobody is saying this is easy," says the site's founder, Arianna Huffington, whose marriage to former California congressman Michael Huffington ended in the late '90s. In the years just after their breakup, it took "real effort," Arianna says, for them to meet face-to-face, but she knew how important it was to her two daughters that she and her ex-husband come together without seismic eruptions of animosity. Now the exes take regular family vacations. "The pleasure of being with our children and seeing them happy became more important than hanging on to our own grudges," she says.
Pushing the boundaries
Fifteen years ago there were few alternatives to filing papers, says Kulerski, the collaborative divorce attorney. Mediation is an increasingly popular, less abrasive--and less expensive--option. "A divorce that goes to court can cost more than $25,000," he says. "People are fed up with spending more on their divorces than they did on their weddings." Kenny Smith and Geri Donenberg chose mediation when they split, saying it was better financially and emotionally. "There wasn't a lot of bitterness, but there was a considerable amount of pain and guilt," recalls Geri, who says that her frequent work trips caused conflict at home. At the suggestion of the mediator overseeing their divorce, she and Kenny sat down to write letters to each of their children--Emilia, now 13, and Sean, now 18--describing the lives they'd like their children to have in 10 years. "My daughter asked, 'Will we still do things as a family?' And in my letter to her, I promised her we always would," Geri says.
They kept that promise with joint outings to Sean's track meets and annual Hanukkah celebrations at Geri's. Last fall, Kenny and the kids joined Geri and her new husband (also named Kenny, which makes them all laugh) on a trip to Los Angeles for a nephew's bar mitzvah. "This was the first time we'd traveled together since we split," says Kenny. "I can't call Geri's husband and me close, but, you know, I really like him." Kenny says the trip solidified for him that he and his ex had done the right thing. "When Geri and I were withering in couples therapy, we knew it would be better for the kids if we met other people who made us happier," he says now, choking back tears. "It was an insanely hard decision, but it worked--the kids have two happy homes."
An alliance between an ex and the new partner was once the stuff of Desperate Housewives plots; now it's a common factor in many real-life splits. In fact, Amy Elliott, 38, considers Candie, her ex's new wife, a friend and almost a second mom to her daughter, Amani. For Amani's sweet 16 last year, Amy and Candie, 35, took Amani and four of her friends to St. Louis for a weekend celebration, with the mom and stepmom sharing one room while the girls crashed in another. Amani, who calls both Amy and Candie "Mom," says the trip was "the greatest ever. Some of my friends with divorced parents say, 'You're really lucky to have that. I wish my family got along that well.' And it's true--I am lucky. My mom and dad were friends first, and they're friends now."
Amani sounds truly content, doesn't she? In the end, finding an outcome that's best for the kids is what Thellen Levy, a San Francisco--based attorney who's been in practice for 33 years, wants for all her clients. "Having been in the litigation trenches, I used to get sick to my stomach representing clients who were making horribly devastating decisions that would affect their kids," says Levy, who now works only with exes willing to stay out of court. "There were no winners, just losers. But when divorcing couples have the right kind of support, they can put their kids at the center of all this--without putting them in the middle."
"Nobody is saying divorce is easy, but seeing our children happy became more important than hanging on to our own grudges."
Source: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a14116/living-with-an-ex-after-divorce/
