Gratitude is a Game Changer

If you are wondering what you have to be grateful for, start with the small things and what you can label as the treasures of your heart.

What is meant by the phrase “game changer?” Who or what can that phrase be applied to? Most often it’s applied to sporting events or war. But what would it mean if it were applied to your life. Game changer refers to a shift in outcomes, either good or bad. If you are not pleased with the events or circumstances of your life, a change of some kind would be a game changer for you.

Sometimes a game changer is as simple as a change in attitude from one of dejection, lack, and inertia to one of gratitude, abundance, and boundless energy. Tall order? Maybe not. It is often extraordinary the kinds of changes that show up in our lives when it is viewed through a different lens. When you start from a place of gratitude, really internalizing all that is right in your life, you have affected the outcome. You have uncovered a game changer called gratitude.

If you are wondering what you have to be grateful for, start with the small things and what you can label as the treasures of your heart. Begin by filling your heart with gratitude for simply being. When you wake up in the morning what is the first and most obvious of your treasures? You woke up! Not enough to be grateful for? Then think of the many who did not wake up.

Once you begin to take inventory of your treasures, things to be grateful for, you are better able to face life from a different, more positive attitude—one of thankfulness. Gratitude becomes a game changer.

The benefits of gratitude are numerous. To start with, gratitude lowers stress, which we all know is unhealthy. When you have a sense of gratitude, you can successfully cope with the challenges that come your way, you have more enthusiasm as you face the day. It will actually prove difficult to feel defeated or depressed when you are grateful.

Gratitude helps you put life in perspective as it enhances your wellbeing. When you have a more positive, can-do perspective, success is easier to attain.

By expressing gratitude for even the small positive aspects of your life, you are likely to feel happier and more optimistic. You will feel more in charge. Wouldn’t you prefer to face the day in a more positive “I can do it” frame of mind? What a game changer that would be for so many people! Would it be for you, too?

If you are struggling with finding that place of gratitude in your life, start small. For example, when you make your to-do list in the morning or you are in some way reviewing the coming day, think of one small thing that you are grateful for. Write it down, either at the top of your to-do list or in a journal. This exercise should get easier everyday and your list should begin to grow. If it is still difficult for you to feel grateful, talk to someone who can help your through it and recommend other exercises you can try so that you can uncover your gratitude treasure.

You see, gratitude really is a game changer that can affect your life on so many levels. It affects your physical and mental health, your relationship with others and your satisfaction with your career or job. You are more likely to feel optimistic and you can better position yourself for success in whatever you attempt to do.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/gratitude-is-a-game-changer-bbab/

6 Simple Steps to Make Happiness Happen

Happiness is a funny old thing. We all want it yet we rarely know how to get it. Many call it their purpose in life and say "life is too short to be unhappy". I agree with both, but I know it's not easy for everyone. It certainly wasn't easy for me—until I changed.

Growing up, I remember many saying "do this" or "do that" or "do whatever makes you happy." I know every single one of those comments were given with the desire to help. But the only thing they did was leave me more confused. What was life really about? What made me happy? What actually is happiness?

Worst of all, there was no option to study "happiness" in school. No one taught me what happiness was all about. No one gave me a lesson on what I should do to become happier. I was a little lost, to say the least.

That's why I was absolutely mesmerized when I discovered the field of positive psychology which is also known as the science of happiness and human fulfillment. I got so into it that I left my corporate job to pursue a Masters of Science in it! Finally, I was going to get the answers to my questions about happiness. Finally, someone was going to tell me what happiness actually is and how you can actually reach it.

Now, having come through to the other, happier side, I want to share my biggest steps to happiness with you. These are the ones that transformed my life and turned me into the trained optimist that I am today. These are the ones I practice and preach religiously as The Happyologist®:

1. Learn what happiness actually is and what it is not.

There are too many myths about happiness out there that do nothing except hold you back from being happy. Familiarize yourself with positive psychology to get scientific backing to your happiness journey. All it takes is a book, an online course, or a conversation with an expert to get some facts straight.

2. Discover your unique happiness.

As with most things, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to happiness. That means you need to get to know yourself to understand what it is that makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Reconnect with your values, your strengths, and your purpose to build a strong foundation for your happiness journey. Then, let them lead you to a life that aligns with them.

3. Shift your perspective to a positive one.

A big chunk of your happiness comes from what goes on in your head and how you choose to perceive the world. That's why fostering a positive perspective is super important. But before you go all Pollyanna on me, let me be clear about one thing: being positive doesn't mean ignoring or shutting out the negative. Instead, it's about acknowledging the problems that you are faced with and believing in your abilities to overcome them. It's about being honest about how you feel and knowing that you will feel better again. Basically, it's about having perspective.

4. Foster your relationships.

As a human being, you need other people not only to survive but to thrive. You are your happiest when you are surrounded by your loved ones. That's why it is critical that you make the time to build and sustain strong, meaningful relationships with the people you love.

5. Use your body.

Too often we get stuck in one place, in one position for too long and before we know it, we haven't moved for three hours (if not longer!). The human body isn't designed to sit at a desk all day so make sure you are getting up, stretching or doing some kind of movements regularly.

Your body affects your mind more than you think and if it's feeling sluggish, lethargic, or low, it's difficult for your mind to feel anything else. That's why moving throughout your day, as well as having dedicated exercise sessions daily, greatly influences your happiness. Also think about clever ways to move your body that will up your mood, like hugging or smiling.

6. Make time to be still.

If your life is a mad dash from one thing to the next, happiness will have a hard time catching up to you. Make sure you're taking the time to slow down, reflect, and to simply be. This is one way you can connect with yourself in a deeper way and perhaps even get clear, intuitive answers to questions you've been pondering for weeks.

In short, there are many things you can do to welcome happiness into your life but none of them have to be difficult. Sure, some things like changing your mindset will take some time, but if you put the right effort in it will turn into a habit that will fuel you for the rest of your life.
In the end, remember that you are a human being, not a human doing. If you slow down long enough, your contentment might just come then and there.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201709/6-simple-steps-make-happiness-happen

7 Things You Need to Know to Deal With Major Life Changes

In a split second, in a freak accident, I lost much of my sight. The reaction and adaptation to the trauma and my new disability taught me some key lessons about going through a major life change. A set of life lessons that helped me to survive and thrive. And since most of us go through changes in our lives, some drastic, some minor, these lessons are applicable to you. 

1. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s natural to have feelings of sadness, to grieve over the loss of something, to feel angry about your situation, or to place blame. You have permission to feel that way, but only for moments. You can have your pity party, but only for a day or two, and then you have to move on. If you spend too much time in that place of anger or pity or blame, you end up not being able to adapt to your change. It keeps you in a place of helplessness. And what you need to be is in a place of hope and of growth. 

2. You can give yourself permission to be vulnerable: Some of us like to project an image of being strong and fearless, but sometimes it’s not the truth. The truth is that we’re scared, vulnerable, weak and in need of help. We need to allow ourselves to rely on others. And showing that vulnerability is OK. It may feel like you are exposed, but being completely exposed is not always a bad thing. There is always learning and growth that can come from it. You allow people to really see you and when they can see you, can know your stress or pain, they can help. Vulnerability is just part of who we are as people. 

3. You are never alone: Sometimes when we go through major changes we think we are dealing with something no one else can understand or no one else is going through. But there are others that can empathize with you. You’re not alone. Even if you don’t ask people to be around you, family and close friends will come to your side. You’re also never alone because you always have yourself to rely on. And ultimately none of us are separate from the Creator or separate from the universe. So the idea of being alone is a false one. 

4. You have to ask for help: Often people don’t know what to say or what to do. After I had my accident, there were people that didn’t call me for several months, and these were people close to me. Some people get stuck because they don’t know what to say or what to do. Sometimes people are natural caregivers. They jump right in to help. But these are the minority. So it is your job to tell people what to say and what to do that will be helpful. What I’ve learned is that I’ve had to ask very specifically for what I need and for even, sometimes, what I need to hear. Being able to clearly articulate what you need gives people a sense of relief. In the end, people really like to be told how they can help you in very specific terms. They need it defined for them so they can feel like they are helping and supporting you. Left on their own to guess this information, they feel helpless. And when they feel helpless they do not act. So empower them and empower yourself by letting them know specifically how they can help.

5. You can adapt to anything. Our ability to adapt is amazing. As I began to adapt to being a person with limited sight, I was continually amazed at how quickly I could figure out how to get around problems and obstacles. Necessity is the mother of invention and you will naturally find ways to solve your problems and do things in new and different ways when you’re presented with challenges. The adaptability and flexibility of our spirits and of our beings is a given. Those who cannot change and adapt have convinced themselves it is not possible. If you trust that you can adapt, then you will. And if you believe that you can change, then you will, no matter what the challenge.

6. You have to have hope for the future: I’ve been given news that there is no hope for a change in my sight and have been through two surgeries that did not improve it. Despite these setbacks, I have to believe that there is hope in the future. A belief I will get my sight back. Having that hope and having the positive perspective is what keeps me moving forward every day. If I gave up that belief it would be like letting go of a rope that pulls me forward. Believing that things can and will be different, and that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see like me, is the most important thing in getting through a change process. Knowing that there is an end in sight, knowing there are possibilities, and having hope that things are going to be better. And, ultimately, things are going to work out.

7. You will grow as a person, but you are still the same: Going through a change, especially one that is traumatic, changes you forever. It changes how you see life and deal with things. You’re never going to be the same again and that’s a good thing. Because in the midst of change is a great deal of learning, if you are willing to have vision and perspective. And if you are willing to continually ask yourself the question, “What am I supposed to be learning from this?” “How am I supposed to grow?” “How will I become a better person because of this?” In any change process, you can become stronger, and a better version of you. Just because something changes about you, even something radical, doesn’t change the core of who you are as a person. I, as now a visually impaired person, have my same mission, my same purpose, and my same values. So having something different about you doesn’t make you a different human being. If you are strong and centered and grounded, that is still who you are. Sometimes you have to remind yourself of that.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisabeth-saunders-medlock-phd/seven-things-you-need-to-_b_4129918.html

Perspective And Preparedness For Divorcing Women

Years ago, divorce was something discussed in hushed tones, as if it were something terrible and scandalous.

Fortunately, divorce no longer carries as heavy a stigma –and that’s mostly because it’s so much more common than it used to be. With so many people having been divorced, who’s left to do the stigmatizing? Even if we’re not divorced, we all have friends or family members who have been through it . . . and what’s more, people who stay married aren’t always so satisfied that they feel they can look down on those who choose to divorce. (Divorced women are often surprised to find that some of their married friends actually envy them!)
As Abby Rodman points out in her recent article at betterafter50.com, we’ll all be better off when ingrained societal messages about divorce become more neutral than negative. Our cultural mindset needs to shift toward acceptance and the realization that divorce is simply something that happens to some couples. We don’t all have to be aboard the “conscious uncoupling” train, but we do need to fully understand that a woman shouldn’t be ostracized just because she’s getting a divorce.

If you are divorcing, or can sense it on the horizon, this is a very healthy perspective for you to adopt. Never feel that divorce brands you as defective or inferior. Think instead of Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous words: “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Then, adamantly refuse to give your consent. (I know, I know . . . “Easier said than done,” you may be thinking, given the emotional roller coaster that divorce can be. To help you cope, I strongly recommend you include a compassionate therapist on your professional divorce team.)

As a Divorce Financial Strategist ™, I hope to broaden that new perspective even further, because being emotionally prepared and accepting of divorce is only part of the story. It’s also essential to be financially prepared, too, so that you come through divorce well-positioned for a secure future as a single woman.

How do you make this happen? Last month I wrote about four steps to being properly prepared to file for divorce: 1) having financial paperwork in order, 2) assessing your credit and opening your own bank accounts, 3) having sufficient funds and 4) assembling your professional divorce team. If you haven’t read that post, I encourage you to do so.

Today, I’d like you to think about laying the foundation even earlier. True preparedness requires a shift in another societal mindset –the one that says in marriage, men handle the money matters.

If that seems like antiquated thinking to you, then, great – you’re ahead of the game! All too often, though, it’s still common –even among Millennials –for husbands to handle big-picture finances, like investments, insurance, taxes, retirement savings, major purchases, etc., while wives govern the day-to-day spending and remain essentially in the dark about those more consequential issues. It’s time to make that traditional arrangement a thing of the past. Sure, you may find that divvying-up financial management tasks may be practical, but there should be nothing about the marital finances that you don’t fully know about and have complete access to. If that takes some educational catching up, then so be it. Get yourself informed.

Preparedness for divorce means having a solid grasp of what you own (your assets), what you owe (your debts), your income and your expenses. Boiled down, divorce is simply the legal division of marital assets and debts, and you won’t be able to make convincing arguments for a fair division of assets if you don’t know what they all are. Conversely, it’s easy to get stuck paying debts you’re not fairly responsible for if you didn’t know they existed.

Don’t find yourself having to ask a potentially hostile soon-to-be-ex-husband to please tell you what he’s worth, so that your lawyer can argue that you should get half of it. Bring yourself up to speed long before your relationship gets to that point –or, hopefully, to help ensure that it never does. Clear communication about financial matters goes a long way to keeping a marriage strong.

From your earliest days together, you and your spouse should be equal partners in your finances. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to sit side-by-side every time a bill needs paying. Few couples, especially with growing families, would find that reasonable! But do schedule regular sit-down discussions of your finances and long-term financial goals. One good suggestion is to do this quarterly, to coincide with investment earnings statements. The important thing is to choose a regular interval that makes financial and practical sense to you both . . . and stick to it.

If your marriage is beginning to dissolve, and you are considering divorce, then you need to take the concrete steps I outlined in my previous post, as soon as possible. In short: Make yourself copies of all marital financial documents. Check your credit score, and open bank accounts in your own name. Build up those accounts so that you can pay your professional divorce team, and get that team lined up.

Whether you think of divorce as “washing that man right out of your hair,” or “conscious uncoupling,” or anything in between, remember that it won’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and that above all, you’re not alone! Even more importantly, during your marriage, be a financially literate spouse. Financial know-how will serve you well in your marriage, as well as if you are ever single again for any reason.

Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2014/07/23/perspective-and-preparedness-for-divorcing-women/#228b48a05052

6 Ways to Become More Positive Today

Perspective is destiny. Here's how to improve yours.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” ― Lao Tzu

Each of us has a set of messages that play over and over in our minds. This internal dialogue, or personal commentary, influences our words, actions, habits, relationships and ultimately, in the words of Lao Tzu, the destiny of our lives.

Too often the pattern of self-talk we’ve developed is negative. This internal seed of negativity causes a dark ripple that extends to all corners of our daily lives. We walk around with a dark cloud hovering close-by, and view all glasses as half-empty. Our conversations always revert to all that is wrong with the world, and we’re constantly expecting the worst.

This negative approach to life can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Concepts such as the law of attraction, “you reap what you sow,” and “birds of a feather flock together,” speak to the magnetic power of our thoughts. Many studies confirm the correlation between positive thinking and success.

So how can we begin to brighten our view of the world, and infuse more positivity into our thought patterns? Although quite simple, these six steps can make a profound impact on your approach to life, and ultimately create a more positive outcome.

1. Practice Gratitude.
One of the quickest ways to shift your focus away from negativity, judgment, and disappointment is to list the things in your life for which you are grateful. Be grateful to be gainfully employed, to sleep in a bed each night, for the sun that comes up each morning, for the waiter who greets you with a smile, for the people that love and care for you, and for a body that lets you experience life each day. Practicing gratefulness can cause almost an immediate shift in your perspective. Keeping a daily gratitude journal, even digitally, can help remind you to keep life’s blessings at the forefront of your mind. Another strategy is to have a gratitude partner—someone who can support you in your journey to positive thinking. Each day, text, email or tell each other three things for which you are grateful. Think of this person as your accountability partner for your path to healthy thinking.

2. Two Steps Forward.
Initially, it might be hard to stop the negative flow of thoughts. This shift takes time. Be patient with yourself, and first just try to observe your thought patterns. See if you can catch yourself judging others, focusing on failures, complaining about work, or criticizing yourself or your body. When you observe these thoughts, take a moment to counter each negative thought with two positive observations or gratitudes. Think of it as taking two steps forward after your one step back.

3. Positive Posture.
The mind and the body have an intrinsic connection—each has a profound impact on the other. If you are struggling to move your mind into a more positive perspective, try moving your body there first. Try standing up straight, shoulders back, chin held high, stretching your arms out as wide as they can go. Feel powerful. Feel positive. Carrying yourself with “positive posture” will encourage your mind to feel more positive as well.

4. Smile.
Another way for your body to “trick” your mind into being more positive is through smiling. The simple act of smiling, even if you don’t necessarily have anything to smile about, can instantly change the way you feel internally. Whether you are sitting at your desk, driving in your car, or walking down the street, smile. You will be amazed how your mind reacts. Even better, try smiling at a co-worker or stranger you pass in the hallway or on the sidewalk. Did they smile back?

5. Ditch the Crabs.
If you put a crab in a bucket, it will easily climb out. But if you put a second crab in the bucket, neither of them will escape. Once one starts to escape, the other will pull it back down into the bucket. In other words, surround yourself with positive people. It's hard to maintain a positive perspective if you are constantly pulled down by the negativity of friends, family, or co-workers. If you get trapped in a negative conversation, gracefully try to change the subject to something more positive. However, if you are surrounded by a bucketful of negative crabs, it may be time to reevaluate your circle of friends in an effort to be surrounded by uplifting individuals.

6. Do Something Kind.
It’s easy to get absorbed by our own world of misfortune and to forget about the people around us. Stepping outside of your daily routine to help someone else can provide amazing perspective and fill you with positivity. Strive to do one nice thing for someone else each day. Call a family member or friend in need of a kind word, compliment a stranger, go out of your way to help a co-worker complete a task, or join the thousands of caffeinated people “paying it forward” in the Starbucks line.

Life is not always easy, and sometimes we get handed a bushel of lemons. However, it is our own perspective that ultimately determines if we will drudge through life puckered and sour, or skip along with a glass of sweet lemonade.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hope-relationships/201409/6-ways-become-more-positive-today

How to get back on your feet after divorce

Divorce is rarely easy, but for mums already struggling to balance their work and family responsibilities it can be harder to cope with.

While you may want to curl up in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself, abandon your responsibilities and head off traveling, or leave your troubles behind and make a fresh start somewhere new, you’re often trapped by finances, your career or business, children and mortgage.

You need to get up every morning, paste a smile on your face and go through the motions of your day – getting the kids ready for school or nursery, attending to the demands of your boss or clients, and taking care of your home.

It can feel like the rest of the world is getting on with their lives while yours has ground to a halt. But it doesn’t have to feel that way.

Some people find divorce easier to deal with

As counsellor and hypnotherapist Susan Leigh explains, some people seem to find it easier to bounce back after divorce. Maybe they had time to get used to the idea, or even instigated proceedings themselves.

Or perhaps they’re just better equipped to cope with negative experiences. And if so, why is that? What do they do differently that enables them to recover and move on from divorce more easily, and build a new, confident happy life on their own?

How to get back on your feet after divorce

To help you navigate your new, post-married life, Susan shares her advice on how to get back on your feet after divorce or separation.

Change your perspective

Consider your perspective on life. Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

Try to take a fresh look at your life. Can you reframe situations or events? View things from a different, more optimistic angle? After all, how we see and experience our life is what makes our reality, and we have more control over that than we often believe.

Treat setbacks as lessons

Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed – there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment and rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

So instead of getting stuck in a rut of anger and hurt, take something positive from what you perceive as injustices and failures. Think how you can do things differently in future – and move from a feeling of helplessness to a growing sense of empowerment.

Value what you have in life

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely. Before they divorce, many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy.

They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone. After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

So if you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself, try to count your blessings. Take a moment to recall how bad or lonely you felt in your lowest moments in your relationship, and then contrast that with the positive things in your life now – the freedom to choose your own decor in your new home, the support of your friends… anything that helps you to appreciate your life now.

Give yourself credit

Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. It’s easy to focus on everything we have yet to do, or aren’t doing well, but in fact there are plenty of ways that you are making positive progress in your life – so celebrate them.

You may start small initially after your break up, making new friends, and learning how to manage on your own. Even taking over jobs that were previously your partner’s domain is a big step towards independence.

So praise yourself when you make a difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, or learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

Surround yourself with positivity

We absorb energy from the people and things around us, so make sure you surround yourself with positivity.

Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people – people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along occasionally if they suspect you need it.

Steer clear of friends, family and colleagues who enjoy moaning or tend to see life from a negative perspective and seek out people who make you feel excited, content, energised and happy. And give your home a positive energy makeover to help boost your mood.

Find time for reflective interests

Learn to use your free time well. If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively – maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside.

Yes, it’s important to catch up with work and household chores, but commit some time to yourself as well and do things that revive you. So find activities that you enjoy, and make sure you prioritise them – whether it’s a quiet activity at home or getting out with friends.
Not only will this help fill you with energy and happiness, but can also help to distract you when your children are spending time with your ex. Instead of pining for them or wondering what they’re up to, you’ll be too busy enjoying yourself!

Spend time on your home

After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cosy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about your home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in and to be comfortable about returning to.

Plan things to look forward to

Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to. Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organise trips with friends or colleagues.

Volunteer

Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands.

Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

(As an extra benefit, volunteering can also be a great career boost.)

Say yes to invitations

Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone.

Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Discover a new you after divorce

Divorce isn’t just the end of your marriage or life as you knew it – it’s also an opportunity to create an exciting new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself.

There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Source: https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/get-back-feet-divorce/

The Oatmeal Exchange - Seven ways to get through a divorce when you have small children.

I married a guy with the most arresting blue eyes I’ve ever seen. To be clear, that’s not the only reason I married him. I also married him because he was smart and decent. And I liked his sense of humor, which is so dry as to be nearly undetectable. But five years after the “I dos,” we were miserable—unable to agree on so much as a grocery list, much less on where or how to live a life as loving and mutually supportive partners.

Our single successful joint venture was making babies: two in fairly rapid succession. And even then, success had its limitations. Coming up with a name for our second child proved nearly impossible. It was only at 2:30 a.m., nearly seven hours after I went into labor, that we grudgingly reached a compromise. That time.

More often, there was no compromise to be found, not for a thousand miles. On March 24, 2015, a judge signed our no-contest divorce papers.

The fact that we couldn’t make our marriage work, especially given the stakes, is one of the hardest and most painful truths I’ve ever had to face. But our divorce has worked out much better than I thought it would. That is not to say I have the qualifications to give advice—I don’t. All I tell you is what helped me.

Boggle. There’s always a point about halfway through Boggle when the only words you can see are the same ones you have already written down, over and over and over again. It’s maddening. But if you turn the Boggle board 90 degrees, you see the same letters from your opponent’s perspective, and an amazing thing happens. You find new words—and often, they are your opponent’s. It’s the same thing with divorce. Turn the board around, and suddenly, there are your ex’s words, spelling out a different story. You will never come to a mutual narrative embrace about who is most at fault and for what. But you will find new words—and with them, an entirely different way of understanding and loving your ex.

Discretion. Don’t tell a lot of people about the breakup until you can summarize it in an anodyne elevator speech that feels true and is likely to remain true. For months, my ex and I told only our immediate family. We continued to wear our wedding rings. We monitored the kids. We got used to living apart. And then, slowly, we told concentric circles of friends and acquaintances, at which point there was nothing new or murky about our situation—it was just reality.

Dignity. You are a human being. You need an outlet for your true, unmitigated, and sometimes nasty feelings about what is happening. Feelings that are not printable even in Slate. Rely on a close circle of confidants to whom you can say these things with full confidence that you are screaming down a well. Refrain from confiding in your kid’s teacher, your co-worker, or a playdate mom. Your feelings about your ex may be short-lived. People’s memories of what you said about your ex will not be.

Perspective. At first, everything seems like a federal case. Almost nothing is. In fact, your divorce should not be a case at all. If you litigate your divorce in a courtroom, it will end in disaster, both financial and psychological. Use an attorney only to help you negotiate and divvy things up. On custody, most courts will default to a 50-50 split—fighting over particular weeks or holidays is not worth it. You will make other plans and start new traditions. Fighting over money is not worth it, either. You will spend three times that amount in the process.

Rules. When you get a provocative text or email, it’s all too easy to respond with your own rapid-fire missile. Don’t do it. Picture every one of your self-righteous tirades printed out, put in an exhibit binder, and given to a family court judge. Or forwarded to your former mother-in-law, confirming everything she always thought—and told your ex—about you.

Ex Sex. When two people decide to get married, they forsake all others for the benefits of monogamy. I call this the Oatmeal Exchange. Before your marriage (theoretically at least), you could have anything you wanted for breakfast. After your marriage, you could have oatmeal for breakfast. Period. Sure, sometimes you got sick of oatmeal or just didn’t feel like it, but usually, it was satisfying and reliable. When children are involved, a good divorce should have bright-line boundaries designed not to instill false hope. By that I mean no more oatmeal. While it may feel awesome to have all of your breakfast choices back—pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream! Bagels and lox! The Hangtown fry!—you should also prepare yourself for a time when you crave only one thing, and it’s the only thing that isn’t on the menu. You should also prepare yourself for what to do if you see someone else eating your oatmeal. Quite possibly, you may be seized by an urge to rush over and snatch the oatmeal away. But you have to accept that it isn’t your oatmeal anymore and that you may need to skip breakfast for a while.

Jedi Mind Tricks. Divorce is not a linear process. There are dark days. I have developed a coping mechanism for those days. Find a picture of your children that reflects their beauty and spirit. Stare at that picture until it is burned into your brain. The next time your ex infuriates you, squint until his face blurs out of focus. Replace that image with the picture of your children. Finally, remember what my beloved mentor—the judge I clerked for straight out of law school—has so often told me. “You are a jewel.” I am a jewel, I often tell myself, even when I don’t believe it. But I keep saying it, and so should you. Like the stone in your engagement ring, you can be salvaged. Reset. Saved.

Source: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/family/2016/02/getting_through_divorce_with_small_children.html?via=gdpr-consent

How to Get an Easy Divorce Emotionally – 3 Golden Pieces of Advice

Be no fooled – there is no such thing as a pain and anxiety-free and easy divorce. But, there are extremely difficult and ugly divorces, and there are those that are much easier on one or both sides. Ideally, the couple will agree on getting a divorce and on the terms of it prior to even filing for the legal dissolution of marriage. This article will show you a few things you can do to ensure that the divorce goes smoothly emotions-wise (as much as possible) and you get an ease divorce emotionally.

1. Talk about resolving problems as two cooperating adults

Marriages tend to fall apart gradually. It’s rarely (we can say it’s never) some sudden unexpected bomb, it’s more of an erosion. Every argument that didn’t end in a resolution of the problems or kind words of understanding and apology chipped a piece of the relationship. And it is normal for couples to fight. As the matter of fact, not fighting about anything ever is an indicator of a potential emotional detachment and a lack of intimacy. But, there are good and bad ways to quarrel.

Now that your marriage is close to being finished, there isn’t a need to resolve past issues anymore. Not those such as who will take out the trash and on which days at least. You also have no more right (or cause) to be jealous or angry about similar things. It just doesn’t matter anymore.

Yet, there are also issues you now need to tackle, ideally before you even seek out lawyers. You will have to get on the same page about a lot of pragmatic issues. The mortgage, the house, the expenses, the children, the time together, the future. So, now you need to learn how to talk to your soon-to-be-ex-husband or wife and how to resolve problems as two cooperating adults.

2. Grieve your failed marriage

You surely heard about the need to grieve your failed marriage a few times. But this is not just a phrase. You do need to go through all the same stages of mourning as you would if you lost someone close to you. As you did. You lost your future plans, your home is changing, you won’t be having your spouse there by your side in all life situations.

This may sound scary, but, it is all a matter of perspective. What you do need to do is spend some time deliberating about your emotions, and let yourself feel sad, scared, devastated, angry, or however you might be feeling. You will probably be bouncing between different emotions at different times, and this is all right.

The main thing is to understand where you are emotionally at any given moment and to adjust your actions to that. For example, don’t make any big decisions when in rage. Know that, this too shall pass. Getting a divorce is a trauma and a very stressful event. However, the moment you step into the process, your healing also begins. Which is why, if you want an easy divorce emotionally, you need to be aware of this and not push yourself into feeling great before you’re ready.

3. Change your perspective

Yes, divorce is tough, without a doubt, however well executed. It has a potential of destroying your life. It will most definitely change it to its core. You may be very sad for a very long time, you will be more prone to depression and anxiety, you will be stressed, scared, and uncertain of what the future brings.

However, there is also another perspective on things. One that can make this stressful event become a positive thing that had happened to you. This is the perspective of growing. Western culture promotes the belief that things have to be a certain way for us to feel good. More precisely, we feel strong aversion to change and have an inclination towards keeping the things as they are. And we sometimes prefer unhealthy relationships over being single, just for the sake of that false sense of security.

However, if you move your viewpoint just slightly, you will notice that the Universe is constantly changing. And it is unwise to expect our lives to stay the same all the time. You are about to experience a big change in your life. A small change in perspective can make a difference between a ruined life and a beautiful future.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/how-to-get-an-easy-divorce-emotionally/