During divorce, we all need to surround ourselves with people who can be helpful during every step of the divorce process. There will be a need for friends to vent to, a counselor to give guidance, a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights and based on your situation many others.
Below is a discussion of who you will want and maybe even need on your divorce team. If it’s possible you should have a list of people you want on your team before the divorce process even begins.
4 People You’ll Definitely Need on Your Divorce Team
1. Friends and Family
You’ll need friends and family who’ll be supportive of what is right for you and your family. Pick them carefully! Choose to confide in and seek support from friends and family who help you grieve the end of your marriage and focus on your future. Distance yourself from friends and family who encourage angry feelings or tell you to “take him for all you can get.” This is not the attitude you need to expose yourself to during a highly emotionally charged time in your life.
Surround yourself with those who offer you, love, help when you are in need help and take your best interest into account at all times.
2. A Good Mediator
There are different types of mediators and, if you get lucky and can choose your own, you want one that fits your situation. Are you uncomfortable being in the same room with your spouse? Then, find a mediator who can negotiate your divorce settlement without the need for both spouses to be in the same room.
A mediator is going to help you settle the most important aspects of your divorce. It’s imperative that you work with one you trust and have faith in to be fair to all concerned.
3. A Divorce Lawyer
You will want a divorce lawyer who is going to look at your divorce case from the big picture while giving you the legal advice you need to ensure you have weighed the pros and cons of every choice you make during your divorce.
You want a divorce lawyer who responds to your questions, can keep you knowledgeable about your rights based on your state's divorce laws and will advocate for you and your needs during your divorce.
4. Counselor or Divorce Coach
Having someone on your divorce team to support your emotional transition can make a difference in how long you are stuck in negative emotions due to your divorce. Everyone goes through a transition after divorce. Navigating this transition involves working your way through feelings of shock, anger, grief, resistance to change, and commitment to a new post-divorce life.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen people who are stuck in anger for decades after a divorce, and unable to move on and rebuild a productive life or find a new partner. Having a divorce team member that is licensed and trained to help you work through your negative emotions and toward healing is probably the most valuable asset you will have during divorce.
Every divorce situation is different. Some people divorce after a short marriage with few assets to divide. Some divorce after decades of marriage with children to consider, major assets to divide and complicated issues to be dealt with. The more complicated your divorce, the more people you will need on your divorce team.
Below are others you will want to consider adding to your divorce team if you own a business with your spouse, have great financial interests to consider or feel your needs are more complex than the average divorcing couple.
Accountant
Financial Advisor
Real Estate Agent
Mortgage Broker
Estate Planning Attorney
Once your divorce attorney has become familiar with your case they will be able to help you determine whether or not you need to add those above to your divorce team.
Going through a divorce is one of the top three stress-producing experiences you can go through. Surrounding yourself with the proper divorce team members will alleviate a large amount of stress and leave you to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally and physically.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/who-do-you-need-on-your-divorce-team-4128815
Divorce guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms. It is normal for many of us to feel like we are somehow to blame for the divorce.
Culturally, we are taught that keeping the household and marriage successful was our responsibility, without so much a thought that it takes two people in a partnership. And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect, when the marriage unraveled, our reaction was to blame ourselves for it.
It is time to knock it off. In order to overcome guilt, you must forgive yourself.
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others, yet for some reason, we don’t give ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible and we feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.
Accepting responsibility and working to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past is neither helpful nor healthy. So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something better, like creating the good life you deserve?
Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. Right now, you are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.
Sure, you have made mistakes in the past. But who hasn’t? Remember that it takes two to tango in a marriage. You must accept that you did everything within your power at the time to make the marriage work. And even if you, for some reason, have still convinced yourself that you didn’t, the past cannot be changed anyway.
When a wave of guilt hits you, remember that guilt is a gray, looming fortress (like the Tower of London) where you feel trapped. Here is the crazy part, though: all the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?
The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question: “How will this guilt serve me in the future?” If you are coming up with a blank, that’s the point. Guilt does not serve you, so you must forgive yourself and let go.
Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words. They are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create a false past reality that doesn’t exist. The next time you find yourself with those thoughts, nip it in the bud with compassion for yourself. Take a look at the following example.
Guilt thought: I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner.
The forgiveness mindset: We went to couples therapy when we thought we needed it, and did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.
Guilt thought: I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.
The forgiveness mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both of you. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that.
Now it’s your turn. Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you. As long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can keep the guilt monster at bay.
The road to forgiving yourself and overcoming divorce guilt can be a long one, but showing yourself much-deserved compassion will ease that journey.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2016/08/28/how-to-forgive-yourself-after-divorce/
I'm happier than I've been in years, but it hasn't come without a cost.
In December, it will mark the three-year anniversary since my initial separation and more than a year and a half since my divorce was made official. In that time, my life has literally turned 180 degrees and I’m happier than I’ve been in years.
But it hasn’t come without cost.
Leading up to my life changing decisions, I was a different man; a shell of a man.
Some of you may already know my story, but I spent more than 8 years in a marriage that was full of struggle, stress, and heartache. I had converted to the Catholic faith prior to getting married and never considered divorce an option, especially since my parents split when I was 6 and it affected me deeply.
But there came a time when it seemed all but hopeless and life started to lose its meaning. Despair was followed by insomnia, which was followed by heart palpitations and night sweats, which was followed by me thinking I was literally going to die from a heart attack.
Months of counseling and workshops did little to help us better understand each others’ needs, and if they did, they didn’t help us actually do anything about it.
And in the end, it was an emotionless 30-minute conversation that felt more like a work luncheon that decided our fate and the decision was made to separate.
I share this with you not so I can relive all the painful memories, the sleepless nights, and the endless tears I cried, but to help you use what I’ve learned to make your life better.
Starting Over
As I said, my life has changed about as much as is humanly possible and I’m incredibly grateful for the new lease on life I was given. Scratch that; that I took.
To highlight some of the major life changes I’ve made in the last two years:
- Left my first home, great neighborhood, and friends to start my life over.
- Left my career of 11 years as a financial advisor to pursue my passion for fitness. My income dropped significantly and although my child support/alimony payments were high, I chose to struggle and be happy.
- Recommitted to my health and went from 188 pounds at 20% body fat to 170 pounds at 14% in a handful of months.
- Went from a miserable and depressed man to someone who wakes up each day with purpose and meaning.
- Am in a new relationship with a woman who is by far the most supportive person I’ve ever met. She is someone who defends my dreams even when I’m ready to give up on them and someone who has talked me out of three jobs because she knew it was the wrong decision long-term.
All I’m saying is that change is possible; huge changes are possible. For anyone.
I’ve spent a ton of time working through my emotional issues, learning more about myself, and growing as a person. I’ve thought about all the things I’ve learned throughout my marriage and now divorce and I’d like to share 6 of the most significant lessons I’ve learned.
Here are the 6 Lessons I Learned From My Darkest Days of Marriage and Divorce
1. Put yourself first.
This may sound selfish at first, but it’s not. It’s actually quite the opposite. So many men, including me, put their spouses and kids first and anything that’s left over is theirs. The problem is that there is rarely anything left for you at all.
All your work, energy, and time goes into making them happy and unfortunately, it comes at your expense. When we sweep our needs under the rug, and sometimes for many years, it builds up resentment, anger, and frustration. That emotion has to go somewhere and often it leads to passive aggressive behavior, guilting your spouse, and ultimately a huge disconnect between the two of you.
I love my kids more than anything in the world. I’d die for them without a second thought and have always put them first. And while you may be thinking “you’re supposed to do that, they’re your kids”, you have to look at it in a different way.
Yes, they will always be #1 in their father’s eyes. This is true for any good father. But when we focus so much on them, we neglect our own well-being. I believe there is a balance that must be found in order to be the best father you can be.
How can you or I be a great dad when we’re caught up in stress, anger, and emotional duress? We can’t. We have to get ourselves right and keep it that way in order to be the best and most effective parent we are capable of.
Does that mean neglect your children? Of course not, nor would any of us ever consider that. I’m talking about making time for your emotional and physical health and making it your priority.
If you are messed up in the head, lost, down on yourself, or any of the other things that happen to us when we divorce, how can we reasonably expect to be at our best as a parent?
Make time for you. Do what makes you happiest, whether that’s playing Halo, being part of a fantasy football league, or shooting pool, you need it.
It was only at the end of my marriage that I found my passion. It was writing and sharing my journey with thousands of like-minded people. I loved it and if my ex had been supportive of it, we might be having a different conversation right now.
2. Communicate.
Yes, it’s a cliché and we’ve all heard it a thousand times: Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Thank you Dr. Phil and Oprah.
I do believe open and honest communication is essential to a successful relationship and of those people I know who are in lousy marriages, they have poor skills when it comes to this area.
Let’s look at the effects on a relationship that has poor communication. I’ll use mine as a perfect example.
Going into the marriage, we had two totally different expectations about what married life was supposed to be like. I thought it would be an extension of the previous 5 years we had dated, and would only get better. I didn’t expect things like sex to change as a result of marriage.
Her expectation was far different. She looked at it from the Catholic viewpoint and planned to live as close to God as possible. Well I had just converted and religion up to that point was never present in my life. You can see where I’m going with this.
So as the marriage began, we each had different ideas of what a good marriage should be. We were way off. For example:
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- I thought that sex with my wife would be far more intimate. It turned out to be used for procreating and not much else. Strike 1.
- I thought we would rekindle the old days when we had fun, laughed, and actually enjoyed each others company. In reality, within a few months, we didn’t really want to be around each other and the silences were deafening. Strike 2.
- I expected us to make health and fitness part of our lives when in reality, we both fell apart physically and stopped caring about how we looked. Strike 3.
I could easily go on with 15 more strikes, but you get my point.
This isn’t her fault, nor is it mine. It was that we weren’t on the same page and never took the time to try to get there.
In my current relationship, nothing goes unsaid. This has its drawbacks as well as benefits, but being willing to talk about the hard things serves to make us stronger.
I’d advise you to do the same if/when you find yourself in a new relationship or to strengthen your current one. We harbor many emotions from our past and if we don’t make a huge effort to do things differently than we did before, we are destines to end up the same way.
3. Protect your confidence.
Being narcissistic is one thing but being physically fit is quite another.
When I got married, and I know this is true for many of you, I stopped caring about my appearance. The reason being is why do it? We had found the person we were going to spend the rest of our lives with and they would love us regardless if we looked like a tub of lard or not.
Clearly this is not the best way to look at it, but it does happen and very often.
The problem, other than the obvious health reasons, is that this is terrible for our self-esteem. When we stop caring about our appearance, the other things in our life start to lose their appeal as well. This is bad.
We also slowly start to lose our confidence, which really affects every part of our life from our competence in our jobs to our feelings of self-worth as a man.
One my favorite quotes is “The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what others think of them”.
We are so consumed by what others think that we let it control how we feel about ourselves, how we act, and how far we get in life. And all if it may be based on a complete lie!
This was very apparent in my life and for much of my marriage, I felt like a failure.
Sure I was providing a life for my family and as the sole bread winner, I took care of everything. And sure I woke up at 4:45 a.m. to train my clients before going to work from 9-5. And sure I worked my way up from a junior broker to a full-fledged partner in a $300 million practice without having any financial background or experience prior.
But that didn’t mean much to me. And for that matter, her.
All I needed to hear was how awesome I was and I would have felt 100X better. But that conversation never happened and over the course of 8 years, I started to believe I wasn’t much at all.
It got to the point where I had virtually no confidence in myself, despite all that I was doing and had accomplished. This is an awful place to be and I know many of you experienced something similar or are going through it now.
In order to protect your confidence, you have to first acknowledge that you, in fact, are truly awesome. Then you need to surround yourself with people who agree.
These people are invaluable to your personal growth and can mean the difference between success and failure in anything you do.
4. Don’t take it out on your kids.
When we’re in a bad place, mentally and physically, we can’t help how we come across to our loved ones. Since we are knee deep in negative emotions, we are blind to it and often times those we love the most get hurt.
My daughters Georgia and Lily are the loves of my life and I’d never do anything to hurt them in any way. But when I look back on some of the worst years of my marriage, the years when I hated my job the most and things were going poorly at home, they suffered the fallout from it.
It wasn’t that I’d come home and yell at them or punish them, but looking back I think it was worse than that. I was silently miserable and everyone knew it. And while they never said anything to me, they had to see just how unhappy I was. I moped, sulked, and disengaged from most people and didn’t think of the consequences of how it might affect them.
They didn’t deserve to see their daddy so unhappy. They didn’t need to learn that this is how life should be or that a marriage should be nothing but a series of arguments and crappy remarks to each other.
Now that I have cleared my head and can look back at how I was, I feel sad; sad that they had to go through that and I blame myself for not recognizing it and doing better.
I also know that they see a huge difference in me now and the day when my oldest made a comment of how much I laugh and how much fun we all have together, brought tears to my eyes.
That is what they need.
5. It’s not you, it’s them.
No, I’m not assessing blame on your ex. Both of you are responsible for your failings in your marriage and I fully understand my part in my divorce and accept my share of responsibility.
What I mean is that you are an amazing person, full of unique gifts, talents, and unlimited potential. And so am I. I just never saw it until I was with someone whomade me see it.
Sadly, many of us will choose a spouse that doesn’t see all that we are and all that we can become and it’s a real tragedy. It hurt me deeply knowing my ex didn’t believe in me. That’s extremely powerful stuff and when the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t believe or support your dreams and passions, you have very little hope of succeeding.
In the infamous book, Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill states that one of the biggest causes of failure is choosing the wrong spouse. It’s because they bring you down to their level instead of rising to yours.
You’ve also heard the quotes “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room” or “You become who you hang around” and these are very true statements. Be very careful with whom you spend your time. It can and will have a huge impact on your life.
And please remember this: At this very moment, you have everything you need to become incredibly successful and happy, whatever that looks like to you.
You just need to be in the right support system to let those gifts flourish.
6. Smile.
How many married guys do you know that just appear to be going through the motions of life? Just go to any park on a Sunday, a Target store, or a shopping mall and you’ll inevitably see a dad slowly plodding behind his family, carrying all their stuff and looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.
I see it all the time and it’s soooo depressing.
It seems to me that when many of us get married, we start to accept all the things we “have” to do and forget the things we “want” to do. We give up watching football for watching Dora the Explorer. We give up our poker nights with the guys for visiting the in-laws.
And I’m not saying these things are bad and do believe they are part of what having a family means, but I am saying that our personal sacrifices come at the expense of our personal happiness in many cases.
Of course, not all marriages are like this and many of them are filled with laughter, fun, new experiences, and a sense of closeness.
Just not mine.
Laughter is one of the best antidotes for misery, just ask any unhappily married man. When I was married, I distinctly remember losing my sense of humor. I just didn’t find anything funny because I didn’t want to see it. I was miserable and the small things that most people find interesting or funny, seemed meaningless.
It’s been four years since my separation and divorce and only now am I really seeing the benefits of laughter and joy in my daily life.
I can’t help but feel more positive, alive, and energetic when I find myself laughing so hard that tears are rolling down my cheeks. It just makes us feel good to experience that kind of healthy emotion.
Your Life
My hope in sharing so much of my personal life with you is to open your eyes to all the possibilities that lie in front of you and hopefully help you avoid making some of the same mistakes I made.
Our lives are only so long and the more time we spend doing things that don’t make us better, the less time we will have when we finally figure it out.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/6-lessons-i-learned-from-my-darkest-days-of-marriage-and-divorce-bbab/
It’s completely normal to feel like your world has been turned upside down after going through a divorce. There is a plethora of emotions to work through, your living conditions are different, and even your daily routine has been completely altered. Life as you knew it will just never be the same.
Healing from a divorce and eventually moving on with your life takes time and effort. Here are five things to do to help you get back on track after your divorce.
Seek counselling
Regardless of the reason for your divorce, getting counselling during and after your divorce can help you process through the losses and work through your emotions. Counselling can help bring about resolution and get you through a time that is completely devastating. Divorce counselling can help you get back in control of your life and make sound decisions about your future. Find someone you trust who specializes in divorce counselling.
Spend time alone
Don’t jump right back into dating immediately following a divorce. Take time to rediscover your passions and interests. When you have been a part of a pair for so long it’s easy to forget who you are as an individual. The relationship likely changed you as a person. Spending time on your own will help you figure out who you are when you aren’t attached to anyone else.
Create a new financial plan
Getting a divorce dramatically changes your financial situation. Your income, savings accounts, retirement plan, and spending looks completely different after a divorce. Once things are final and you are on your own, get your finances organized and create a new financial plan for yourself. Set up new savings and retirement accounts if you need to, create a monthly budget, and implement any lifestyle changes you may have to make in order to live within your new means. Being in control of your finances is one thing you can have complete control over during this time.
Do things for yourself
Living as a couple for so long meant that you had to make compromises and sacrifices frequently. Now that you’re free, go out and do some of the things you wanted to while you were married but that your partner held you back from. Maybe you could never eat red meat because of his high cholesterol levels or maybe she hated it when you wore a certain shirt. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do for awhile, just because you can.
Find support
Chatting with friends who have been through the divorce process and can relate to you can help immensely. Get together with them regularly for emotional support. There are also online support groups where you can connect with other divorcees any time of day and get support in a judgment-free zone. Talking about your feelings with others who have been down a similar road can be healing.
Going through a divorce can be an extremely difficult process. Taking care of yourself and getting support from family, friends and counselling can help you heal and move on with your life. It takes tools and resources to survive and thrive after a divorce, so utilize all that you can. You will get through it and can discover a whole new life after divorce.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/03/27/five-things-to-do-after-your-divorce-to-help-you-thrive/
Divorce is in many ways similar to death. Like death, there are different stages of divorce a person must transition through before they can completely move on.
The final stage, recovery, might be the most difficult. It’s natural for many men to want to cling to that failed relationship and replay in their minds what went wrong. It’s a vicious cycle that can lead to feelings of blame, self-loathing, anger and depression.
Men and women often deal with breakups differently, and men face a myriad of different health risks after divorce, including an increase in early mortality rate by up to 250 percent.
During this recovery process, it is important to realize that life will eventually go on and you can even come out of it better off than before.
It is critical during this time to take the proper steps to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. There are many positive things you can do to help speed the recovery process, — including taking up a new hobby, working to maintain a positive social life, and giving yourself the proper amount of time you need to grieve.
At the same time, there are quite a few things you need to avoid that can hinder your divorce recovery.
Here are four habits to stay away from during the divorce recovery period:
Avoid holding everything inside.
Many people consider divorce to be a private matter. It’s incredibly frustrating and annoying when you know there are friends, neighbors and family members gossiping about what happened between you and your spouse.
When that’s the case, it’s natural to want to shut everyone out. While it’s not necessary, or healthy, to share details of your divorce with everyone, bottling everything up isn’t a good idea either.
Depression is a common side effect of divorce and it isn’t something you should have to take on alone. Find some people you know you can trust to confide in. Simply venting and letting off some steam can be one of the most effective coping strategies post-divorce.
You might also consider counseling. Counselors and therapists can play a key role in your divorce recovery.
Don’t cope by turning to alcohol.
One of the most common mistakes men make after a divorce is trying to numb their pain by drinking alcohol. This is one of the most self-destructive decisions you can make.
Statistically, men are more likely than women to turn to drinking after divorce. Abusing alcohol or other substances can delay the recovery process and lead to a myriad of other mental and physical health problems.
Throwing back a few beers or cocktails probably will numb your pain temporarily, but alcohol is a depressant that has been linked to depression and many other health problems.
Don’t become a recluse.
You’re probably not going to feel very good for a while after your divorce as it takes time to adjust to being single again.
That’s OK. Just don’t totally shut down and become reclusive.
Try to turn the idea of being alone into a positive. Look at it this way, you now have more freedom than you’ve likely had in years. This is a perfect time to take up new hobbies, refocus on your career and reconnect with old friends you’ve lost touch with.
Embrace being a bachelor again!
Don’t jump into a new relationship right away. (But don’t give up on dating again either.)
While it’s important to stay active, you can also go too far the other way by immediately getting back into a relationship.
Just because your last relationship failed doesn’t mean you will never find love again. Plenty of people resume dating following divorce and are able to build happy, healthy relationships with a significant other.
However, immediately jumping into a rebound relationship before you’ve had time to fully recover is a crucial mistake many men make. Like alcohol, a new relationship can help take your mind off your pain temporarily, but if you haven’t taken the proper time to heal, it will likely lead to more hurt and confusion.
There is a reason the failure rate of second and third marriages are so high.
Additionally, dating too soon after a breakup can create stress and hurt for your kids. If you introduce a new girlfriend to them too soon, they might resent you both for trying to replace their mother. While you need to look after yourself, it’s also important to put your children’s best interest before everything else after a divorce.
Just because you’re not actively dating doesn’t mean you can’t lead an active social life, but make sure you take your time before getting back into the game.
Source: http://dadsdivorce.com/articles/4-habits-that-can-derail-your-divorce-recovery/
The teen years are difficult for anyone. They are full of change, both mentally and physically, and this is a lot to take on. Adding the stress and change of a divorce or separation makes this challenging time even harder to cope with. Teens will often feel like they have no foundation, even when they may be acting as though they are fine. If they are going to develop into healthy adults, they will need your support and love. Here are a few tips on how to help teens through this difficult time.
Take it slow
When your teen already feels like they are on unstable ground, it is best not to add many more changes to their life if you can help it. In a divorce, there is no way to avoid change, but mindfully making the changes can help give your teenager time to adjust. While it might be hard to avoid a few big changes like a new home or a new school, let your teen take their time to get used to it all. Talking to your child about the changes to come will also allow them to prepare mentally, which will help with getting used to the new way that things work.
Make sure that your teen will still have contact with their old friends. Making new friends is an added stress, and their old friends can offer emotional support as they try to work through this difficult process. Try to wait until the end of the school year before moving to a new school. Switching in the middle of the year is much harder and will cause extra stress as well as possibly failing grades. See if you can arrange for your teen to visit the school beforehand so that they don’t feel as lost on their first day.
If you are moving, allow them to decorate their own room. Try to make it a fun experience, and let them express themselves through the way they decorate it.
Expect resistance
Your divorce will be very hard on your teenager, and they will likely feel anger, betrayal, and resentment toward one or both of their parents. Even if they aren’t actually angry at you, they will probably take their negative feelings out on you anyway. Whether they are being rude, rebellious, or withdrawn, you need to be sensitive to their emotions. Try not to get too angry, but take disciplinary measures if what they did was over the line of acceptability. If they take their acting out to an unhealthy level, that is when you may need to intervene with professional help.
Consider taking them to a therapist or counselor if they start acting in a manner that causes you to be concerned about their well being. Don’t force it one them, as they probably won’t like the idea at first. Don’t lecture them about why they should see a professional, but rather explain why you are concerned for their well being. Make sure that they understand that you don’t think that they need to be “fixed”. Being forceful will only gain greater pushback from your teenager, while being sensitive and caring can open up communication and ease their pain. They are looking for solid ground; be that for them.
Don’t bend the rules
While it can be difficult to see your teen acting out or in a negative way towards you, loosening up on the rules is not a good way to earn back their affection. Instead, this will teach them that they receive rewards for acting rebellious. They need discipline and foundation in order to become healthy adults, and removing the rules removes both of those.
Give them the freedoms that you feel they are mature enough for, and reward good behavior with more freedom. If they have good grades and are respectful, let them stay out a bit later or spend extra time on the computer. Be reasonable with your teen, and remember that they are growing into young adults. As they grow older, they will crave more and more freedom.
Remember that you are the parent
Having gone through a divorce or separation, you will have your very own confused feelings to work through. While talking to them about your feelings can help strengthen your bond and show them that you respect and trust them, you must be careful about how much you share. Remember that you are their parent and must be strong for your kids. Also, don’t say negative things about their other parent in front of them. Save the more painful and negative topics to be talked over with adult friends and trusted family members, or even a professional such as a therapist. Some things would do nothing more than hurt your teen, and you need to pay careful attention what you tell them.
Helping a teen through this process can be very difficult, especially if they don’t feel like working with you. However, consistent support and love from you and others they know can help them through this challenging experience and onward into adulthood.
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/teens-and-divorce-how-to-help-them-make-it-through/
Disappointment can be profound.
In a previous blog I wrote about the concept of "sad love." But the emotion of sadness can be felt in many other situations as well, and it is particularly profound in the experience of disappointment.
First, let's consider sadness in general. When sadness is triggered, a heavy emptiness or longing is felt because your brain's appraisal system has determined that you have experienced a lasting loss. You may want to have someone or something that is unattainable or to bring back what was lost, even if what caused your sadness has to do with finally recognizing something that you had subsequently denied. Sadness is a painful emotion of disconnection from someone or something that you value or had wanted to value. It differs qualitatively and temporally from grief, which may have a greater impact on your perception of the world and is longer lasting.
Sadness helps you to remember, rather than forget, what it is or was that you desired. It promotes personal reflection following a loss that is important to you, and turns your attention inward in a way that can promote resignation and acceptance (Lazarus, 1991). Thus, the emotion of sadness attempts to assist you by giving you an opportunity to consider the impact of your loss and the necessity of revising your objectives and strategies for the future. One study found that sadness tends to decrease one's confidence in first impressions (Schwartz, 1990). Another found that the experience of sadness leads one to struggle with the painful, existential question of "Who am I?" (Henretty, Levitt, & Mathews, 2008). If sadness can help you to remember and accept reality, achieve insight that can realign your goals, alert you to be cautious before making decisions, and create an opportunity for you to observe yourself, then perhaps its adaptive purpose is evident: like all emotions, sadness, in spite of how it makes you feel, is simply trying to protect you.
Disappointment is a profound way in which sadness is experienced. People seem to do whatever they can to avoid recognizing that they are disappointed and will twist their thinking every which way to not recognize a true disappointment. You may be disappointed in a parent, your child, your spouse, a lover, an employer or job, an event, or in yourself. In any case, disappointment is the experience of sadness involving unfulfilled hopes or expectations. When you consider what might have been, in contrast to what exists in the present, you may experience disappointment.
In my psychotherapy practice I have found that people avoid disappointment far more than many other emotional experiences. Disappointment comes with finality--the recognition that you don't have, didn't get, or will never achieve whatever it is that you wanted. You might experience being angry with a parent, spouse, relative, employer, or friend, and that is far easier to feel than your disappointment in the relationship. Disappointment forces you to admit that you did not get what you wished to have, and it is actually easier for you to protest with anger than it is to encounter your sadness about the course of events. In an obstinate way, anger will allow you to continue idealizing what could have been while consciously denigrating it, and you will hang onto it only because it's what you needed at the time. Disappointment accepts reality.
There is one more aspect of the sadness triggered with disappointment that is worthy of mention. Usually it is assumed that people who value happiness are able to hold on to positive feelings and may be resilient, if not immune, to the negative effects of disappointing experiences. But this may not always be the case, according to the findings of a recent study. Under certain circumstances, valuing happiness may be self-defeating and result in disappointment, depending upon how people evaluate their progress toward that goal (Mauss, Tamir, Anderson, & Savino, 2011). The researchers found that valuing happiness can set people up for disappointment, especially if they compare themselves to an ideal. So perhaps the way in which to foster resilience is to construct realistic appraisals of what you need, avoid idealizing what could be, and come to terms with what you have.
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This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
References
Henretty, J., Levitt, H. & Mathews, S. (2008). Clients' experiences of moments of sadness in psychotherapy: A grounded theory analysis. Psychotherapy Research, 18(3), 243-255.
Lazarus, R.S. (1991). Emotion and adaptation. New York, NY, US: Oxford University
Press.
Mauss, I.B., Tamir, M., Anderson, C.L., & Savino, N.S. (2011) Can seeking happiness make people happy? Paradoxical effects of valuing happiness. Emotion, 11(4), 808-815.
Schwarz, N. (1990). Feelings as information: Informational and motivational functions of affective states. In E.T. Higgins & R.M. Sorrentino (Eds.), Handbook of motivation and cognition: Foundations of social behavior: Vol. II (pp. 527-561). New York: Guilford Press.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201111/expectation-sadness-and-disappointment
